#I also intended for the dynamic to be more vague then it came out being

[enthusiastic-nimrod]

A fairytale inspired shadamy! It was mostly inspired by Rapunzel, but now that it's done it's giving me Romeo and Juliet?

[bananayuyu]

Hopeless Desire

Pairing: Yunho x f reader

Genre: smut, fluff, bits of angst

Word count: 12.5k

Summary: You were Mingi's younger sister by six years, and had a crush on his best friend Yunho since you were nine. You harbored this crush for years, never thinking it would go anywhere. Little did you know, Yunho had recently started to feel the same. But you're his best friend's little sister, so what can he do?

Warnings: MDNI, smut, fingering, vague mentions of toxic family dynamics (honestly very vague), vague mentions of Mingi having mental health issues (also very vague), pls lmk if I missed anything!

A/n: This idea came to me a few weeks ago and I had to start writing it; hoping this reaches it's intended audience if it reaches anyone at all. Please enjoy :)

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You will never forget the day you met Jeong Yunho.

It was a humid summer day, the late August weather completely punishing. Only a few weeks before the start of school, your older brother Mingi had brought you along for the day at your mother's request, slightly begrudgingly. You and Mingi were close but there were six years between you, and at certain ages this age gap was challenging. The now fifteen year old didn't want his little sister disrupting his plans with his best friend. He tried not to let his feelings show, not wanting to hurt your feelings. He was just sad that him and Yunho couldn't spend the whole day by themselves.

Him and Yunho brainstormed appropriate activities for a nine year old, and finally landed on taking you to the popular amusement park in town. You don't remember your trip on the train, it was ten years ago now. But you do remember the important things. You remember walking up to the gates and seeing him standing there, struck by how tall he was. You remember him buying your ticket for you, and buying an ice cream for you. You remember him shielding your eyes from the sun while you stood in line for the most popular ride. You remember him making you drink water so you wouldn't become faint. You remember every little touch, every time he kept you from running into an oblivious man with a backpack hurrying through the crowd to find his family, or when he sat behind you and held you close on the scariest ride that even Mingi refused to go on. It was sweet, nothing but sweet then. Yunho was charmed by your excitement and energy. He had heard Mingi mention you many times over the past year and felt grateful to have met you. He knew Mingi was protective, despite it not being a common way for Mingi to feel. You were his little sister, after all.

From then on you saw him here and there, always extremely happy to. You always wanted to see Yunho, whenever you could. As you grew so did Mingi and Yunho, until suddenly one day you looked at them and saw young men, saw the beginnings of facial hair begin to sneak onto their faces as they both surpassed six feet tall. You were still in middle school just barely hitting puberty, your height still under five feet and body still unchanged. The boys began pursuing their careers, auditioning for the same company. You couldn't have been more proud. And then your body began to change and suddenly you weren't a total kid anymore, either. Suddenly you were in high school and life became more serious, more in your hands. All of the sudden, you began developing sexual attraction and soon your thoughts surrounded only one person. Jeong Yunho.

Your friends had teased you for years about having a crush on him, because you always talked so excitedly about seeing him. You always brushed them off and insisted he was like another older brother. But your thoughts had begun to change and now you wondered if they had been right all along. Yunho had always been kind and caring towards you, always made you feel safe when you were watching a scary movie or if the three of you had stayed out past sunset. So did Mingi, so you never questioned it. You never questioned how often he held your hand or offered carry you home, and you certainly never questioned how warm and delighted these actions made you feel. Until now.

All of high school was torturous. No one else made you feel the way Yunho did, but still you knew it could never happen. You were so much younger than him, and he was now becoming and idol with your older brother. There were countless circumstances working against you, and you knew it. No matter how often you touched yourself at night thinking of him, you woke the next morning knowing it was only a fantasy. So you went through the motions of high school, graduating with decent grades and not ruffling any feathers. You missed your brother and Yunho dearly, so after college you were determined to live near them again.

After being accepted into university, Mingi and Yunho helped you move into an apartment in the same building as the boys. You began visiting them often, being one of the few people they were permitted to have over to the apartment regularly. School was fine and you had friends, but nothing compared to being able to spend time with your brother and his closest friend, as well as the other members of their group. You played games with them, ate with them, watched movies with them. You always found yourself sitting next to Yunho, eating Yunho's food, and poking fun at him. You didn't intend to, but you couldn't help your immense crush from growing and growing. You found yourself dressing up to go hang out at their dorm, despite it being down time. You swore you would find him staring at you sometimes and then he would blink away once your eyes met his.

Then, when you were nineteen, the boys moved into three separate apartments. Mingi lived with San and Seonghwa, and now Yunho lived only with Yeosang, the two of them living in a cozy two bedroom apartment. This new arrangement was when everything changed, when the world finally opened up. Finally, you had alone time with Yunho.

"Can I come see the new place?" you were on the phone with Yunho, just a day after everyone had moved. You just finished visiting Mingi; Yunho now lived in the same building but one floor up.

"But nothing is set up yet, Yeosang was busy today and I've barely had time to set up my own room. You're gonna think we're pathetic," Yunho replied.

"You know I don't care, Yunho. I just want to see it. I'll come see it again once it's all set up, I'm sure." At your last sentence, Yunho snorted slightly. Then cleared his throat. An awkward silence followed. "What?" you asked, rolling your eyes. Why was he being so weird?

"Nothing, sorry. Of course you can come see it. I'll unlock the front door, just let yourself in."

You opened the front door to their living room, still mostly covered in boxes and tools. "Hi!" you called out just as Yunho exited his room. Yunho smiled when he saw you, then looked down and saw your flimsy sandals and looked concerned.

"Be careful y/n, there are nails and screws on the ground in here. Here just... come to the kitchen. I should work on putting things away in there."

With a hand on your arm and a hand on your back he led you into their small kitchen, letting go to begin unpacking some bowls and plates and placing them into a cabinet above the counter. You jumped up so you were sitting on the counter, swinging your feet back and forth and glancing around.

"I like your new place, it's really cute," you said, sincerely. The apartment was small but not too small, a perfect dwelling for two people. The kitchen was new and nice, and the living room had a large window that led to a small balcony.

"Cute?" he repeated with a chuckle, looking down at you. Despite being sat up on the counter, Yunho was still taller than you. You had only managed to grow a few inches between middle school and sophomore year of college.

"Yes cute," you say, giving him a sarcastic smile. "Just like you," you tease, pinching one of his cheeks. He pinches both of your cheeks in retaliation and then pinches your bare waist, causing you to yelp slightly. You playfully punch him in the arm, instigating a full on play-fight. Before you know it you're slipping off the counter and awkwardly landing, about to collapse embarrassingly onto the floor. But Yunho catches you and places you back on the counter again, giving you a stern look.

"I have important unpacking to do y/n, you should really stop distracting me," he says, his sarcastic tone contradicting his serious expression.

"Oh shut up," you say, sticking your tongue out at him.

"You still act like such a child sometimes," he replies. You pout, whispering out an involuntary sorry. You never want to annoy him. "No no, it's cute," he says, "it's just hard to believe you're an adult now. Hard to believe you're in your second year of college." You look at him and he's stopped stacking plates, the look in his eye somewhat distant. "I've known you for so long, almost as long as Mingi. Sometimes I feel like you're one of the only people I can trust who isn't one of the members. I hope you know I'm very thankful for that."

You are struck by his sincerity. It is not something you are accustomed to from him. Usually he is joking around, usually he is trying to make everyone laugh. You stare into his eyes for a moment, feeling like something has shifted. But you can't tell what. You want to reach out and hug him. You want to do more than hug him, you realize. You stare out of the living room window in silence, not realizing how much time has passed.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, sorry. You just never talk like that, I didn't know how to respond..." you look at him again but now he won't meet your eyes.

"I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable," he says, now busying himself again with stacking up the plates. You can feel the slight tension now, can see it in his shoulders and neck.

"No no, not at all. Yunho.." you scoot yourself slightly down the counter so you are right in from of him, and without thinking reach your arms out to hug him, snaking them around his waist. He reaches around your shoulders and pulls your head to his chest, resting his head on top of yours. "Sorry, I just didn't know what to say. I'm glad you feel that way. You mean so much to me, you know. You're so respectful and kind and..." you trail off, your voice slightly muffled by his torso. Above you Yunho is smiling, his eyes closed and the tension from his shoulders evaporating. His feelings for you had been slowly developing in the last year or so, but he always felt so awkward with Mingi and the other boys around. He has complicated feelings about your age. He feels guilty, but a little hug never hurt anyone, right? He kisses the top of your head and begins rubbing your bare low back, melting into your softness. He had been unpacking and setting up his room all day after moving heavy boxes and furniture in the morning. The fatigue is starting to get to him.

"I'm exhausted, you want to watch a movie or something? I got my little TV set up in my room," he asks.

"We should make some food, too," you say. "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," he retorts. So you punch him again. "And always violent too," he adds, laughing. So you shove him out of the way and grab some veggies from the fridge to make with some rice. "You always want to eat so healthy," Yunho jokes, rolling his eyes.

"Guess I'll just make enough for one then," you say, which earns you another pinch on your waist. This time you're armed with a spatula, so when he laughs at your squeal you go to threaten him with it. But he catches your arm before you can make contact, holding your forearm high above your head. Suddenly that tension is back, and you feel his body move towards you, the warmth in the air increasing every so slightly. You stare up at him, and then down, and you swear it's by accident but you find yourself staring right at his crotch. His slightly bulging crotch, you're fairly certain. But you're only staring for a moment before you realize and look back up, embarrassment making your cheeks go slightly pink. You feel your whole body flush, not just your cheeks. You feel heat run down your spine right to your core. You realize you want him holding you in this position, but in another context. This realization makes your cheeks redden even further. You feel your body tense and tingle, and suddenly it's too much, and he's just staring at you as if nothing at all is happening. You finally shove him away, the three seconds that elapsed feeling like an eternity.

"Go put something on, I'll have food ready in a sec," you say, trying to keep your voice steady. Everything that is happening today is unexpected, and you feel slightly dazed and very turned on. You did not think Yeosang wouldn't be home; you did not think you'd be getting alone time with Yunho.

After finishing your food the two of you settle into Yunho's bed, watching the Marvel movie he decided to put on. You don't entirely understand what is happening but he explains some things, and overall you are more focused on the fact that you are lying in his bed with his arms around you. He beckoned you to him as soon as you climbed in and of course you obliged. He began stroking your hair with one hand, holding you close to him with his other arm. You had cuddled up to him many times when the members all lived together, when it was dark in the room and everyone was watching a movie late at night. Realistically, this wasn't all that different. But this time, before you knew it, you had fallen asleep.

"Y/n," Yunho whispers into your ear, causing your awareness to suddenly return to you. You squint around, seeing the credits rolling on his little TV. You groan, the excitement of the day having zapped your energy, your head aching slightly. You yawn, deeply. You close your eyes again, snuggling your head into Yunho's chest and groaning again.

"I'm sleepy.." you slur out, squeezing your eyes shut and your eyebrows together.

"I know sweetie," Yunho speaks quietly so as not to disturb you, rubbing his hand on your back again to comfort you. "Just sleep here tonight. I have to get up early anyway, so you won't be late for college or anything. You just need to go brush your teeth, just use one of my extra toothbrushes." You groan again at this suggestion, which makes him laugh. "Come on," he says while hoisting you up, leading you on wobbly legs to his personal bathroom. He sits you up on his counter, pulling out an extra toothbrush for you and putting toothpaste on. You look at him through hooded eyes, your exhaustion still not escaping you. "You want me to actually brush them for you too?" he asks. You stick your tongue out at him again, your tired state bringing out the childishness ten fold. "Open up," he commands, and you obey. And he tries to brush your teeth for you, but finally your adult brain has somewhat caught up and your hand reaches up to finish the job yourself. "There you go," he says, and you bump into him to finally spit into the sink. After washing your face you stare up at him.

"I need lip balm," you pout. Yunho can't help but think you're the cutest person he's ever known. That pout does things to him, and he's beginning to wonder if you know. He pulls out his lip balm and begins rubbing it across your lips, running his thumb along your bottom lip. Your mouth involuntarily begins to open and Yunho feels himself getting hard again. He'd been trying to keep it at bay all afternoon and evening, but he's continually failed. He only hopes that you haven't noticed, in case it would freak you out.

Finally you are both ready for bed and Yunho leads you into his bed before joining you, coming to lay behind you and wrap his arms around your waist. He cannot believe this is happening; the timing was all too perfect. With Yeosang out for the day the two of you finally have time to yourselves, without having to tell anyone. He feels guilt start to warm his neck, but again pushes it aside. You're tired and in need of sleep, and all you're doing is cuddling, right? You've done this plenty of times before, and Mingi had no issue.

You begin to squirm, wanting to face him, wanting to see his beautiful face up close in the soft light of the night. You feel exhausted but there's something within you keeping you awake, not allowing you to miss such a rare opportunity. 'What's wrong?' Yunho whispers as you turn yourself around, but then he realizes you just wanted to be facing him. His breath hitches at the sight of your face only inches away from his. You reach up, gently brushing your fingers over his cheeks and jaw, then running one along his eyebrow and staring deeply into his eyes. You yawn, your body's exhaustion now fighting with your brain. But you remain awake, mesmerized by his beautiful face, his cheeks, his dark brown hair sweeping over his forehead.

"Yunho, what do you think of me?" you ask, pulling yourself closer to him still, your hand now latched onto his upper arm. He's come to rest his hand on your waist.

"What do you mean? I think the world of you, you know that. I'm very proud of how well you're doing at school. And you're very supportive of Mingi, which he needs. He's sensitive, and you don't make him feel bad for that. You're a very strong person, very understanding. Very good.." he trails off slightly, smiling at you in the dim light.

"No no, I mean, do you think of me like a younger sister? Like, how do you see me?" you're blushing from his kind words but you're tired and need to know the answer. It is all you've been thinking about all day.

"Well, no. Not anymore-" he starts.

"So you used to?" you ask, attempting to keep your voice from wobbling with worry.

"Yeah, when you were little. You were so little when I first met you, obviously I thought of you that way. But now you're grown up. You're very different now," he finishes. You take in a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. It was your biggest worry, that his kindness and teasing and protectiveness only came from him seeing you as a younger sibling. You sometimes worried he felt obliged to be nice because you were his best friend's younger sister. But something deep within you knew he felt more comfortable with you than almost anyone. You just didn't want to say it aloud, didn't want to admit it to anyone, even yourself. You didn't know what it would mean, or if it would mean anything. You worried it would upset Mingi, even upset the other members. You didn't know what your friends would think. All of these worries sat in the back of your mind simmering away, never dominating your thoughts but never fully disappearing. But the isolation of the night finally allowed you the chance to ask. And though his answer was vague, it was better than nothing. You were sure he thought of you as more than just a little sibling, and were pretty sure he liked you too. Again, you just didn't know what that would mean.

"I've never thought of you as a brother," you say, which earns a slightly surprised look from Yunho. The time and darkness makes you bolder than usual. "You're too attractive for me to think of you that way," you giggle from embarrassment, turning your gaze down so he can't meet your eyes. You expect him to laugh too, expect him to tease you for saying that. You expect him to tell you you're clearly exhausted and need to just go to sleep. But Yunho does none of these things. He swallows, and moves his hand from your waist to your cheek, gently stroking down to your jaw and moving your head up so you meet his gaze. Your eyes are large and full of surprise as they meet his.

And then his lips are on yours, soft and gentle and perfect. You feel his breath brush over your cheek as he opens his mouth, his tongue grazing your bottom lip and causing deep and rapid breaths to fall from your opening lips. The kiss deepens and he moves closer to you, your legs now intertwining, your hands moving up underneath his shirt to feel the warmth of his skin. It is not something you've done before yet the entire thing feels perfectly natural, as if you've known your whole life how to move your lips and tongue in sync with his. The feeling of his strong lean body makes your head feel fuzzy, and his large hand on your chin and neck make you feel suddenly small. It's unlike anything you've felt before and you realize you really like this feeling. The kiss has deepened further, and now Yunho is pulling back to suck and nip at your bottom lip, just the way he'd been thinking about all day. It sends sparks of pleasure down your spine and makes you involuntarily buck your hips against his leg that is resting in between yours. And then he's moving his hand down from your face to your hip, and sliding into your sweats, and finally into your panties to grab onto your ass and guide you to keep rubbing yourself against his thigh. You're desperately grabbing onto him and kissing him now, your need growing relentlessly.

Yunho wants to rip your clothes off, his mind entirely leaving him in the first moments of your kiss, but suddenly his brain is messing with him, reminding him of everything else. Your age, your relation to his best friend, and as far as he knew, your inexperience. It pulls at him, while simultaneously his body pulls him the opposite direction, towards you, towards your lips wet from his tongue, towards the warmth emanating from between your legs where you slowly are coming undone. He runs his hand all over you now, feeling the warmth of your skin now, feeling your hard nipples through your thin top. Of course, you had no bra on. It seemed to him that every time he'd seen you recently you hadn't been wearing one. He's pulled away so he can watch you face and hear your moans more clearly, and now he can watch you rub yourself on his leg, too. He's so hard at this point, it's becoming almost painful. He's never felt so turned on at seeing someone else's pleasure. You've never done something quite like this, never pleasured yourself without even taking off your pants, but Yunho's touches and kisses make you feel electric, like he's turned on a switch in your nervous system that's never been touched before. The small movements of your hips bring immense pleasure to your clit, and finally as you get closer and closer, a fogginess to your head. As if he can tell you're almost there, Yunho leans down to kiss your neck, one of your most tender areas. You feel a wave building in the depth of your stomach, a strong surge of electricity about to wash over you. And then you are nearly screaming, your moans high pitched and probably penetrating the walls of the apartment, and you suddenly feel warmth all over, a tingling in your fingers and toes. You've never come so hard in your life, or for so long. Your breathing is ragged and hard and you grab onto Yunho for dear life, riding out the feeling as long as you could. His hands are around you now, pulling you two closer still, planting kisses on your neck and cheeks and lips. You're completed slumped against him now, your muscles spent and loose.

"I came," you whisper, followed by a short giggle.

"I know," he says, also followed by laughter.

"How?" you ask. But you know you are silly for asking.

"It wasn't hard to tell, baby," he chuckles. His voice sounds distant, like his thoughts are coming at full speed again. He tucks your head against his shoulder and holds you tight. Contemplating for a moment. He's conflicted, but he knows what he should do. "Sleep now, you're exhausted. I'll set my alarm so you don't need to worry."

He wants to do more with you, to give you more. He wants to see the look of immense pleasure on your face again. He wants to undress you, to taste you, to feel your hot, wet pussy as you come again and again. He wants to be buried inside you, to be buried in your mouth. A thousand lewd images flash across his mind making him even harder. But he recoils from the images too, again feeling the sting of guilt. One time thing, he tells himself. It has to be. But he knows it won't be. He can tell by the way you cling to him, by the way you came so hard. He doubts anyone has even made you feel that good. He doesn't understand how, given that you didn't even take your pants off. But he doesn't question how much you loved it. That he knows without a doubt.

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You slept like a rock, and after a few challenging minutes, so did Yunho. You both woke to the sound of his alarm, groaning simultaneously and trying to stretch. You were still tangled together, your stretching arm nearly hitting him in the face. You giggled at his exaggerated look of shock. He finally untangled himself from you and went to use the bathroom, careful to not let you see the small tent still present in his pants. Was I really hard all night, he thinks, with amusement. When he's finished peeing and brushing his teeth he comes out again to find you still in bed, your head defiantly shoved in the pillow, dramatic sighs escaping your lips.

"Y/n, don't you have to leave for your first class in like an hour?" he says. You make a loud and defiant sound in response. He sighs, and drags off the blankets, picking you up and setting you in his bathroom again. "You are not going to be late to school after spending the night with me. Everyone would kill me. Now pee, I can't do that for you." Seeing your pout again, his stomach flips. "I know I'm sorry. I would if I could." He rubs your back comfortingly as you walk towards the toilet, and then he's out and closing the door and making you both breakfast.

In the bathroom you begin to wake up fully, feeling refreshed and happy. Memories of last night wash over you like gentle waves, lulling you into a state of pleasure and contentment. You still feel sensitive. You feel it all over, but especially between your legs. You saunter out to the kitchen, eyes dragging over Yunho's bare upper body. He is ladling soup into two bowls, so you run your hand down his back gently so as not to disturb him and make him spill. You don't see it, but his face betrays the way your touch makes him feel, the gentle touch sending sparks down his body.

But suddenly he is tense and moving, putting food down in front of you and saying, "eat." He runs to his room and returns wearing an oversized hoodie. You stare at him in silence as you eat, a notable strangeness present in the air. But you can't figure out what. He stares down at your legs, still bare. All you have on are your top and underwear. It seems like he wants to say something, but no words come out. You both finish your food in silence, and you begin cleaning up your bowls. And then you hear Yeosang's door open.

His room is closer to the kitchen, and within seconds he's standing like a deer in headlights, staring at you. Then, quicker then he came, he's running back to his room, apologizing repeatedly. "Sorry, sorry! I didn't know you'd be here!" he says as he darts down the hall, his near nakedness also making him embarrassed. Suddenly you feel very awkward, and dumb. You quickly finish the dishes and dash to Yunho's room, yelling, "I'm sorry, Yeosang!" as you pass his room. It's nearly time to leave anyway so you put on your pants and make sure your hair doesn't look crazy. You need to stop home before heading to class to change your clothes and grab your books. And you need to get out of this apartment as soon as possible. A creeping feeling runs up your back to your neck, a feeling you later realize was shame. You stand completely still, waiting for Yunho to finish using the bathroom, feeling frozen and about to crack.

Yunho steps out, dressed in a black suit with a white button up, his hair still slightly messy but styled just right. He quickly sits down to put on his shoes and you are mesmerized, unable to take your eyes off him. It was always Yunho in a suit that made your heart pound, more than almost anything else. He adjusts his laces and you watch his hands work, his long strong fingers adjusting the knot. You love his hands, always have. Always felt safe in them. Now as you stare, you can't help but remember last night when his hand grazed over your hard nipple, or when he grabbed your butt and pushed you down harder onto his thigh. His hands are perfect, long and lean like him. They have a quality you just can't name. God I'm weird, you think. A suit kink and a hand kink. But you know it's just him, it's just the way that he makes everything so-

"You okay?" his question snaps you out of it, and you look at his slightly concerned face staring at you.

"Yeah," you huff out, not really sure if you are. You want to talk about what happened last night, because things feel weird now. You have a feeling it's more than just the awkwardness with Yeosang, but you can't be sure. You don't know if you have time but-

"You've got to leave, you're gonna be late," Yunho's words pull you from your thoughts again, and you nod.

"You're being weird," you slap his arm, not sure how much to say. But his playful look seems to indicate you're fine.

"Weird? Me?" he jokes with you, turning you around and walking you out the door. You make it to the front door and he opens it, guiding you through. He brushes a hand through your hair and says, "have a good day." You want to kiss him, but he seems so distant.

"You too," you mumble through a slight pout, turning and walking yourself the several blocks to your apartment building.

The whole day was hazy, spent between flashes of the pleasure of last night and flashes of the awkwardness of the morning. What happened? you thought over and over, not sure if you were asking about the night or the morning. It seemed like Yunho didn't want Yeosang to know, and that you could understand. You worried about the other boy's reactions, too. But he was being weird with you in the privacy of his room too. Not mean or cold but just... weird. You can't pinpoint the feeling, and it's starting to drive you crazy.

You give yourself a day, too busy with classes and tutoring to give it much real thought anyway. But the next day, you are over waiting. On your way home from your last class you call him.

"Y/n!" he answers in a playful tone, like he usually does. Like nothing at all has happened.

"Yunho, we need to talk," you say, heart pounding slightly. "Are you busy?"

"Not at all, I just got home," he says, then pauses. "Are you okay?" his words are kind as always but his voice is laced with trepidation. It makes you feel nervous, because he's always the one who knows what to do. You like to follow his lead on things; he never sounds unsure.

"Yunho.." you say in an annoyed tone. You want him to read your mind, but you know you shouldn't expect that. You take a quick calming breath, steadying yourself. "Yes, I'm okay. But we haven't talked in almost two days and something sort of, important happened."

"My schedule has been very busy these two days, I hope you know I wasn't ignoring you," he sounds like he's carefully choosing his words, not wanting to take a wrong step. "Was there something in particular you wanted to say?"

You take a moment to steady yourself. You're walking up the stairs to your apartment now, slightly out of breath. But you want to get it out before you reach the front door.

"Were you upset or something, the next morning? You just seemed weird," you say, managing to keep your breathing steady.

"Of course not, not at all. I just-" he cuts himself off. Again, thinking through what to say next. "We really should talk in person, if we're going to talk about this."

"Is Yeosang home?" you ask.

"Yeah, he is."

"Come to mine, then."

"Your roommates won't mind?"

"No, we're all cool with having one or two people over unannounced. Unless you are planning on being very loud, it shouldn't be a problem."

"You trust me to be a well behaved guest?" he teases.

"Yunho..." you've entered your house now, smiling at your roommate who is finishing work at your small dining table.

"Okay, I'll be there soon. That okay?"

"Yes, see you soon," you reply, a sigh leaving your lips as you end the call.

"What was that?" your roommate Tae asks you.

"Oh, Yunho's coming over," you say, which earns an oooooh from him. "It's not like that, we're just gonna talk. It sounds like he doesn't want anything else to happen, but I can't tell. I don't know..."

You moved in with your roommates Tae and Nari at the start of your second year of college, having finally met a few people at your school that you really connected with. Tae was small and delicate, a pretty boy amongst pretty boys in your school. Nari was tall and broad, with stunning short black hair and impressive shoulders. She intimidated you, the first time you met. As was your luck, the two of them were both seniors already. But thankfully they both got accepted into graduate school as well, and the three of you got to live out your college-roommate dreams. You had told them both what happened with Yunho the next day over dinner, both of them rapt and gasping dramatically at your story. You three were all quite busy, juggling school and work. Excitement like this didn't come often to the small three bedroom apartment you resided in. You liked it that way, mostly. But still, the excitement was fun.

"If he doesn't, he's crazy," Tae reassures you, sitting up from the table to come give you a hug. "We're here if you need."

You love the way you feel respected by the two of them, never prying into your life but also always making it known that they're there. They treated you like an equal, that was what you loved. They were a few years older but didn't always treat you like the baby. Not that you minded being treated like the baby, sometimes. But they respected all of you, respected that you could love childish things but also be incredibly responsible. They saw you for who you were, entirely. It was something you hadn't experienced many times in life with other people, and it had begun to shift your world view. You trusted yourself more, believed in your understanding of things. They gave you confidence, the way they treated you proving their words to be true. It was a truly special thing, knowing them.

As you walk down the hall to drop your books in your room, Nari greets you with a big hug too. "I heard," she says into your hair, "and I agree with Tae. How anyone could pass on you is beyond me." Her kindness was never-ending, despite her strong appearance. You patted her head as you walked past, thanking her.

Soon a knock came at the door and Tae answered it, welcoming Yunho in. Nari and Tae invite him in kindly, hope and anticipation present in their voices. They offered Yunho some tea, but he declined. He wanted to see you, wanted to get this talk over with. It wasn't that he'd been avoiding it, he had genuinely been busy. But he didn't want to wait any longer.

As Tae got back to his work Nari walked past you to her room, followed by Yunho. 'Keep it down tonight, our apartment is small,' she whispered teasingly, hoping to lift your spirits. It did, and you give her a joking glare. Yunho smiles at the interaction, having not heard her. But he can tell you like her, that you feel comfortable here. He's only been a few times, and only met each roommate twice. He likes them, likes that you like them most importantly.

You lead him to your room, your book bag slumped against your desk, your double bed taking up nearly half of your small room. You loved your room, loved the books and legos and plushies that covered your shelves, your colorful wardrobe full of old clothes Mingi had given you and all your favorite shirts you still had from high school. It was cozy, small. And Yunho had never been in. Very few people had, it wasn't something you allowed very often. Today you decided you'd make that exception.

You sit on the floor with your back against your bed and Yunho joins you, his long legs stretching far beyond yours. He looks at you but you can't meet his gaze, the feeling of rejection already creeping up to your throat.

"What were you going to say?" you ask.

"Can I ask how you are? You seem upset," he starts.

"I'm fine. I just know what you're gonna say. You don't want that to happen again, do you? You still do think of me as immature, don't you?" you aren't hysterical, just slightly edgy. You try hard but can't keep the slightest bit of tension from your voice.

"Y/n, I-" Yunho cuts himself off with a sigh. "No, I do not think you're immature. But do you really think it's a good idea? What would Mingi think? It's not like he ever said, 'you can't pursue my sister,' but I really doubt he'd be totally fine with it. And the other members? I lied to Yeosang, told him you slept over because you were helping me unpack until late. But I doubt he believed me. He said, 'it's fine, it's fine. Just tell me when she's over so I don't embarrass myself.' But you know Yeosang, too kind for his own good. He knows, it was obvious. I don't think he'd tell Mingi. I just..." he trails off. Sighs again. "You're nineteen." He says this part with emphasis.

You sit contemplating what he's said, a swirl of feelings running through your chest and stomach. Sure, your brother might not approve. Sure, you're nineteen. Sure-

"Do you remember when I said you're one of the only people I trust who isn't one of the members? I can't lose that." Yunho speaks firmly, like he's trying to convince you both of something.

"You won't, you won't ever lose that. I mean it. No matter what happens, Yunho. I'm not going to resent you, for anything. I know you, you won't hurt me. You take care of me, look out for me better than almost anyone. It would never come to that," you reply.

Yunho sighs, his hand coming to rest on your lower back, his body unable to keep from touching you in some way. He can tell you're tense and wants to alleviate it. It's all he ever wants when he's around you, to hold you and tease you and make you forget all the stress of normal life.

"I worry, though. I worry I'll upset you, that something will go wrong."

You sit thinking, releasing a long slow breath through your nose, closing your eyes and focusing on your feelings. "Who cares what anyone thinks? This is something between us, not them. So what does it really matter? Honestly, Mingi will probably just feel jealous at how close I am to you more than anything. And I personally don't care what anyone else thinks. I know you're closer to the members than me and have to live with one, but why should we have to do what they say? It's our lives. We are all adults, everyone can deal with their feelings if they have them."

"But I'm so much older than you, remember that girl from your freshman class. Wasn't that older guy pursuing her, and you told me how you thought it was creepy and-"

"You mean that girl that our professor was pursuing? He had a reputation of doing this, of every year dating a different freshman girl. He had done it since being a graduate student apparently, and had continued when he became a professor. That's way different than our situation. You aren't my boss or my professor or something."

"Fine, you're right. But I bet your friends will think I'm creepy," Yunho sighs.

"I can guarantee you that's not true," you respond, now looking him in the eye.

"How?"

"I already told them. And they definitely didn't think that. They though it was cute."

Yunho's lips break into a faint smile, the first smile you've seen all night. He runs a hand through your hair; he loves how soft and long it is. His insides are churning, his brain unable to come to a decision. You can sense the uncertainty. You want to make him feel relaxed too. So you scoot over and climb on top of him to hug him, tucking your face into his neck. You sigh, a sleepy haze falling over you. You stay like that for a while, Yunho's arms around you holding you tight. He plants a kiss on your temple, melting at the way the kiss makes you smile.

"I'll need to think about it. The last thing I want is to cause you pain," he finally concludes. You sit up, attempting to keep the disappointment from your face. You don't want to force anything on him. But you can tell it's other people's judgement that's holding him back, not his own feelings. Face to face with him, you stare across his beautiful cheeks and lips, not until now noticing he still had makeup on from whatever he filmed today. You reach up and touch a gem under his eye and he smiles at your curious look, like you've discovered something remarkable.

"I should go, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" he asks. You nod, climbing off of him so he can get up. Once standing he gives you a hug, wishing to reassure every cell in your body. But he still doesn't know what he's going to do. You lead him out and you roommates say their goodbyes, and finally he's out the door and the door is closing, and you stand staring at it for a second, not sure how to respond.

"So?" Tae asks, still sat at the table. Nari is now at the stove tending to a large pot.

"I don't know, I don't know.." you mumble into your hands, covering your face.

"Come here, have some ramen," Nari says, setting a steaming bowl on the kitchen counter next to you. You dive in, patting your head on her shoulder in thanks. The three of you sit at the small table now, all aggressively slurping the delicious ramen Nari made.

"That boy needs to figure it out," Nari says, making you nearly snort out the broth you are swallowing.

"That boy?" you say, raising your eyebrows and giggling.

"Yes that boy, he's being silly. I don't like that he's messing with your feelings."

"It's not so bad," you say. "I understand his worry. My brother, he can be quite jealous sometimes. He's sensitive. Neither of us want to hurt him."

"It's your life," Tae chimes in.

"I know, that's how I feel too," you say.

"Let's watch a movie tonight, none of us have to be to campus until ten tomorrow, right?" Nari says. You both nod in agreement, finishing the last of your food. You get up to start cleaning but Tae beats you to it. "It's my turn, I haven't in a few days," he says, so you give him your signature pout and thank him and walk to your room. You finally change into your pjs, your favorite sweats and cropped loose shirt combo that you wear a little too much. You sigh and look at yourself in you mirror, wondering how old you really look. You're short but not skinny, you definitely don't look childish in your body. Since puberty a small roll of fat sits on your lower stomach, above thick thighs and a pronounced butt. You always felt like your lower body didn't match your upper body, which had remained almost as small as when you were a child. Apart from your boobs, of course. They were sizable too, now that you really looked at them. Since when did I become so womanly? you think to yourself. It must have been while you were focused on school and work, focused on getting Mingi through his challenging years right after debut. You keep staring, your vision feeling almost warped. You didn't spend a lot of time thinking if people found you attractive, you realized. And that was a strange thing for a young woman. It had only ever been Yunho you thought of. But it never felt like a question to you, whether he thought you were attractive. Why hadn't you questioned it? Your thoughts start spinning and you stare at a body in front of you, warping more as your legs get even bigger and your shoulders even smaller. You think of how tall he is, of how mismatched the two of you probably look next to each other.

You snap yourself out of it, knowing there was no point to the thought spiral you were headed toward. You walk out to the kitchen as Tae is finishing the last of the dishes and Nari is turning on the TV, just in time to hear the knock on the door. The three of you look up in sync, a similar look of confusion on your faces. No one ever really knocked on your door here, your neighbors just texted. You slowly walk to the door, opening it in utter confusion.

Standing on the landing is Yunho, now barefaced, in his own favorite sweats and t-shirt. He is out of breath, a light breeze blowing his hair off his forehead, revealing the lines between his eyebrows made from concern. He stares at you, catching his breath. The moment stretches, the look of utter surprise never leaving your face.

"Can I come in?" he finally asks.

"Of course," you say, stepping aside to let him through the doorway. You close it gently behind you. Yunho and your roommates awkwardly greet each other again and you give them both wide-eyed looks, totally unsure of where this is headed. They give each other a knowing look as you and Yunho leave the room, headed straight for your bedroom. You close the door behind yourself, leaning against the back of it. Yunho stands in front of you, his eyes meeting yours with intensity.

"Why- what did-" you stumble over your words, making both of you laugh. "Why did you come back?" you finally manage.

Yunho opens his mouth as if you talk but nothing comes out. Instead he takes a step forward, closing the distance between you, and his lips are on yours again, his hand on your jaw. This time it isn't so gentle, so delicate. This time it's hot and intense in an instant, your legs feeling like they might give out. You reach out and pull him close to you, opening your mouth to let him in. Wherever he wants to go, you will let him. His tongue brushes over yours, his body moving closer and nearly crushing you into your door. A soft moan escapes your throat, the feeling of his tongue on yours making your pussy throb. The kiss makes your body feels so intense, it's as if he's licking you everywhere.

Eventually he pulls away, his hand still on the side of your face, his lips wet and slightly swollen. "I went to go home and think about things, but I just kept thinking of kissing you," he says. "I can't stop thinking about the other night. You've messed me up."

You smile and turn your head down in shyness, his words causing pride to swell in your chest. Maybe this is affecting him as much as it's affecting me, you think. Maybe he really does feel the same. You look up and reach to touch his face too, leaning up to kiss him again.

Before you know it you're swept up into his arms, Yunho spinning you to move closer to your bed. Your eyes are closed and your lips still on his; you feel momentarily like gravity doesn't exist, like you are flying. He sets you down gently, your head coming to rest on your large stuffed bear that never leaves your bed. He's almost crushing you again, this time into your mattress, his mouth ravishing every part of you he can. You feel his leg between yours, the deep pressure relieving some of the intense need you are feeling. His mouth on your neck, on your ear sends intense sparks down your entire body, a gentle moan leaving your lips as he sucks hard on your neck, not worrying about the potential physical consequences of his actions. His hands are under your shirt know, his fingers gentle brushing over your already hard nipple. He lifts your shirt, momentarily in awe of what he is seeing, and then dips his head down to suck gently on your left breast. A low moan escapes him now, as he relishes the feeling of your hard nipple in his mouth, again feeling the intense warmth emanating from between your legs. He cannot believe you have granted him this access, cannot believe he can make you feel so good. He's inexperienced too, given what he does for work. But the connection between you is palpable, so strong that no practice is needed. It all comes so easily, the communication, the affection, the way he can read your body and face and sounds so easily. It fills him with warmth, the feeling of being so connected to you. He wants more and more, wishes it were never-ending.

But he feels he must be careful. As he continues sucking on your nipples, continues running his hands everywhere he can, he feels your desperation as you move your hips against his. He lifts his up and down just slightly, the movement making you moan again in utter bliss. You imagine how good it would feel for his hips to snap against yours without layers of clothes between. Being this intimate with someone always made you nervous, but with him it simply was a need. You move your hips again, hoping it'll make him continue to move his, and it does, illiciting moans from you both. You reach under his shirt and start pulling it off, needing to feel more of him, and he finally pulls yours over your head too. And then his mouth is on yours again, his hips and his tongue moving as if connected, the slow drags of his tongue on yours making you feel almost light headed.

"Yunho..." you moan between kisses, needing him to focus his attentions elsewhere. You're beginning to feel terribly empty and jittery with anticipation. And he can tell, he really feels like he can read your mind. He moves back, just enough to begin pulling off your sweatpants and panties, slowly and deliberately to make sure he's doing the right thing. You lift your hips to help him, fighting the urge to turn your head. You don't exactly feel embarrassed, but you're so exposed now. Naked in front of him for the first time the questions finally surface. Does he like my body? What does he think of the fat on my stomach? He can see your thoughts racing behind your eyes, the way your jaw sets slightly when you're concentrated. He leans down to kiss you again, hoping to reassure any doubts.

"Can I touch you?" He says it with such warmth, such care. You feel your body turn to putty.

"Please," you say, only a whisper. You can't help the small line that forms between your eyebrows from your begging, or the slight pout that forms on your lips. That pout. Yungo can't stand it much longer. He reaches down to your thighs, spreading your legs gently. He sees how wet and pink your pussy looks, feels how soft and plush your thighs are. God, I just want to ruin her, he thinks. And then scolds himself. Since when did he get this way?

Finally his long fingers are moving up your thighs to the apex, to the place you need him. He brushes his fingers over the small patch of hair that sits there. And then finally his thumb dips into your folds, feeling the slick wetness in its entirety. He moves his finger down slowly and then back up, finally brushing over your extremely sensitive clit. You can't help but moan, loudly. Your legs open, body completely bare; you feel totally at his mercy. He begins to rub gentle circles over your clit, the feeling electric and warm. He can feel it too, can see the way your pussy clenches when he hits just the right spot. He spends a moment just watching, completely entranced by the beautiful site of you spread open for him. He now takes his other hand to your entrance, lightly pressing with two fingers to gauge your response.

"Fuck, Yunho, please," you say as you push yourself down onto his two fingers, your pleading words rocketing through him. He sinks his fingers into you, relishing the warmth of your tight pussy. He can tell two fingers is a lot for you, so he works them in and out slowly, helping you get used to the feeling. He curls them up just right, finding that spot inside you that makes your eyes roll back and your back arch. You've never felt such pleasure before, the stimulation in both spots making you feel entirely singular to this moment. You can feel a wave building again, this time intensely and quickly. Before you know it you're grabbing a pillow and covering your face, attempting to stifle the loud moans escaping you. You cannot help it, the feeling of his fingers inside you making you come undone so suddenly, shuddering and screaming as you fall over the edge. Yunho watches you clench down around his fingers, clenching so hard as you come that he can barely move them anymore. Eventually his finger on your clit feels far too overstimulating so you grab it to make him stop, removing your pillow to allow yourself room to breathe. He sits there for a moment, fingers still inside of you, unable to stop himself from looking you up and down over and over again. After a few exhausting breaths you open your eyes and look at him, seeing how how worked up he is, his flushed skin and his rapid breaths, his pupils blown far larger than you've ever seen. He pulls out of you slowly, not wanting to cause you even a moment of discomfort. And then he's slumped down next to you, kissing you sweetly and holding you, helping you onto your side so he can spoon you and hold you tight.

"You take it so well," he says, his voice still laced with lust. The depth of it sends sparks through you; his kisses on your neck and cheek are soft but possessive. You feel it then, for the first time, how much he wants you to be his, how deeply he's attached to you. It's like a warm, gentle wave has washed over you and now you're drifting out to sea. A feeling of floating, of being devoid of worry. You feel as light as ever despite the exhaustion your intense orgasm has left you with. But you can feel how hard he is against your ass, and feel like you should please him too. You turn yourself over to face him, kissing him and moving your hands down, grazing over his bare abdomen and then over his sweats until you find him hard and straining. But as you do his hand comes down to grab yours, and he's moving it away.

"Sweetie, you need to get some sleep. I can tell how exhausted you are." You whine, earning a chuckle from him. But you aren't going to push anything. You like being pleasured, that's for sure. And now that the aftershocks have subsided, you are left in a blissful and sleepy state.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wake with a bit of a start, not having slept so deeply in a long time. Yunho is next to you, your blankets pulled up over your naked body. You see now that he is naked too, having thrown all of his clothes on the floor of your room. You wriggle towards him to cuddle, waking him up in the process. He yawns loudly, running his hand through his now messy hair. He sleepily grabs onto you, placing a kiss on your forehead.

Your bladder beckons you to the bathroom so you climb over him as carefully as you can. You aren't really thinking much, the grogginess of the morning still weighing heavily on your eyelids. As you are washing your hands you finally take a good look at yourself, suddenly noticing a dark spot on the side of your neck that looks out of place. It takes a few moments for you to register but then you realize what it is, and run a hand gently over the bruise left by Yunho. You snort, feeling ridiculously happy to have physical evidence of the previous night.

You exit your bathroom to find Yunho nearly fully dressed, pulling his shirt over his head and grabbing his keys and wallet from your bedside table. His energy feels tense again, even with his back to you. It's impossible for you to not feel it. You stand awkwardly at the doorway, simply observing. Finally you walk over to put your clothes back on too, not wanting to sit in the uncomfortable tension you've walked into. You have to pull off your blanket to find your shirt, which had somehow found itself near the foot of your bed. All this movement in total silence has you again confused, but this time your confusion is laced with anger as well, anger that if Yunho didn't want this to happen again he really shouldn't have come back. Now you do feel like he's messing with you, a bit. It's only happened twice, but you know he already knows how he feels. He just isn't being totally honest with himself.

"Do you want any coffee or breakfast?" you ask, wanting to be a pleasant host despite your frustration.

"No no, I really should get going. Thank you though," he says, now finally looking at you. His eyes are slightly puffy and his hair is a mess, and you can't help but admire how adorable he looks first thing in the morning. You stare for a second, your expression unchanging as you try to keep all of the conflicting feelings inside you at bay.

"Fuck, did I actually leave a bruise? I didn't think I was being that rough..." Yunho walks towards you and pushes your hair out of the way to get a good look at the mark he left on your neck. "Fuck, I can go get some makeup to cover it up, if you'd like. I've watched our makeup artists do it a lot." You brush his hand away, this time unable to keep the irritation from your expression.

"Yunho, it's fine. I can put makeup on it myself if I need to. Or wear a scarf or a shirt that covers it or really... I don't care. I don't mind it, actually. Can you please just go? You obviously don't want to be here." Yunho's face looks immediately concerned; his hands hang awkwardly at his side like he doesn't know what to do with them.

"You like that bruise on your neck?" he asks.

"I don't mind it," you retort, not even looking at him. The frustration you feel is threatening to spill out in tears, and you don't feel like crying right now. You realize in a split second that this is all so silly, that so little has happened. You don't want to be childish.

"Yunho, I'm upset because both mornings after we've spent the night together, you seem obviously tense and uncomfortable and it seems like you regret what has happened between us. If you don't want this, I wish you would just tell me. I'm not going to be severely hurt, I will be fine. It seems like you like me, but maybe it's just convenience? I know you don't have many opportunities to date or hookup with someone who you know won't go and tell the world about it. But if it doesn't feel right, just tell me. I feel like you're messing with me."

"I-" Yunho stops himself short. He wants to choose his words well, wants you to understand completely. "Of course I like you, y/n. It's not just convenience, god no. I wish I could spend every night with you..." he stroked his hand frustratedly through his hair, making it appear even messier. "It's Mingi, I keep thinking about Mingi. Don't you? I haven't talked to him about it yet and it's eating at me. I have to talk to him before anything else happens. I feel like we're betraying him by not telling-"

"I really don't think he'll be that upset," you say, to keep both of your fears at bay. You really don't know how he'll react. And you haven't spent one on one time with him in a little while. You text every day to check in, of course. But it had been a few weeks. You sigh intensely, tears welling in your eyes. You wish desperately that you didn't have classes today.

"How can you be sure?" he asks, wondering if you know something he doesn't. "Have you talked to him?"

You just shake your head, one of the welling tears now falling down your cheek. You wipe it gently, not wanting to make a scene.

"We both need to talk to him," Yunho says, stepping forward to hug you tightly, feeling torn up inside that he's upset you. Your head on his chest, the way you fit next to him makes his mind spin. It's the thought of Mingi's disapproval that scares him more than anything. Now that he knows you have feelings for him, it's almost like his whole life is written in front of him. He sees you in his life forever, just like he sees Mingi being his best friend forever. He sees both of you as anchors in his future, a blissful, wonderful future. But if Mingi disapproves, what will he choose? He knows he won't be able to pick one of you or the other. It feels too cruel. To him, more than anyone. He knows it's a little selfish, but it's truly how he feels.

"I will talk to him tonight, I promise. Have a family thing I have to attend in the evening but afterwards I will go and talk to him. And then we'll go from there. Okay?" He pulls your face away from his chest and kisses each of your rosy cheeks, then wipes the remnants of tears from them. He kisses you softly, wanting you to know he needs you. He hopes you can read how deeply he feels through his actions because he feels he has to wait with his words. He trails down to your neck, knowing you are particularly sensitive there, wanting to distract you from the intense emotion of the previous moments.

"Yunho!" you laugh and hit his arm, not wanting to be so turned on first thing in the morning. Knowing he has to leave in a few moments and won't be able to finish the job. He feigns injury at your strike, grabbing his arm and scrunching his face up in pain. As you laugh at him he takes his moment to pinch your side, his favorite way to mess with you. And then you're hitting at him again, laughing almost hysterically, forgetting everything that just happened. It was his goal and he feels lifted by hearing your laugh, by seeing your wide smile and a more playful glint in your eyes. He gives you a final hug goodbye and then leaves, and you find yourself alone in your quiet apartment, both your roommates still asleep.

As soon as he's left your apartment, a feeling of impending doom envelopes your chest. The thought of Yunho telling Mingi tonight, of Mingi feeling so mad at the two of you that he won't talk to you. Probably not forever, you hope. But you suddenly realize you must talk to him too. Must talk to him first. If only you didn't have stupid classes. At least you're out by 4pm today, so you can still beat Yunho over there. You decide you must; it feels like your only hope. You pick up your phone and call Mingi.

"Hi, what's up?" he answers, sounding happy. Your heart sinks more knowing you and Yunho will probably ruin his good mood later.

"Are you busy this afternoon? Can I come over after my classes?" you ask. The two of you never really waste time with niceties.

"Yeah you can come today, I'll be back home by 3 today. When are you done?"

"I'm done at 4, I'll come afterwards. Do you have food I can make for dinner?"

"Yes mom, I did actually go grocery shopping over the weekend." Mingi laughs at his own sarcasm.

"They grow up so fast," you sigh sarcastically back, hoping Mingi thinks it's funny. Sometimes it's hard for him to take good care of himself, but if you ask too sincerely if he's okay he'll feel upset sometimes too. Like your concern only reminds him how sensitive and fragile he is. So you have to fit in the questions amongst humor, subtly slip them in. You'd do anything for him, even something as simple as grocery shopping if he needed it.

"I should go, I should have left like five minutes ago. See you later, love you!" he says.

"Love you too, have a good day!" you respond. Now that you know you'll be seeing him your heart beats faster; already your nerves are fried at the idea that you'll be asking him, telling him everything. Not for nearly nine hours, you remind yourself. But it doesn't help. Your heart still beats, your body still shakes. You decide to head to campus early and start studying, because there's no way your morning will be relaxing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thankfully class is busy and full and you have several assignments that keep you occupied in the morning, so your day flies by. Your final class is done and it is 4 o'clock on the dot, your professor being determined to get home earlier rather than later just as the rest of you are. Your focus had remained fairly steady during class but as soon as you exit the room and start walking your heart is in your throat and your legs feel wobbly. I have to do this, you tell yourself. I can't let Yunho tell him first. You feel certain Mingi will feel particularly betrayed if that happens. And you want to test the waters first, to ask subtly. Like you know how to do with him. Yunho knows him well, but you aren't sure he's mastered that art as well as you have.

You enter Mingi's apartment to a big smile and big hug. It's hard for people to believe the two of you are siblings sometimes, because of how much taller he is. It is a bit of a genetic surprise to be so differently shaped. You don't even look very similar facially. But you do share the same sensitivity, even if you have been much better at managing it. No one really knows how sensitive you are, except him.

"How was your day, how's school?" he asks.

"Good good, today was fine. It's been going well," you respond, trying to keep your tone casual.

"Did you get your grade back on that paper?"

"Oh yeah, I got an A-," you say proudly.

"That's amazing! You said that professor is a tough grader, right?" he asks. You nod. "You're such a goody-goody. Always doing everything right."

"I like having my shit together. Makes me feel calm," you respond.

"You should try letting loose sometime, maybe you'd enjoy that too."

"I've never really been allowed to. Or able to..." you trial off.

"I know," he responds. He pulls you into a hug again, knowing exactly what you mean. He is eternally grateful for your maturity and level-headedness. It's always put him at ease. "You wanna watch something while we eat?"

"No, let's just talk. I haven't seen you in a couple weeks."

"We text like every day," he says.

"It's not the same," you say.

"I suppose you're right," he responds. He looks at you again, sensing something is slightly off. But overall he is struck by how content you seem. "You seem really happy lately," he says.

"I am," you respond, unable to stop a smile from forming on your lips at the thought of Yunho. "I didn't know it was obvious to anyone else."

"This whole last year you've seemed so happy," Mingi says.

"It's cause you seem happy," you say, catching yourself off guard with your honesty. Has it really been that? you think. Yes, it has. Mingi has finally seemed to be consistently feeling good this last year, and it's made you more content than ever. You momentarily consider not asking him about Yunho, not bursting his bubble.

After cooking and eating most of your food you finally gain the courage to say it. The whole evening has been a wonderful session of catching up on the last few weeks, of telling Mingi the silly drama happening with other tutors at your work and him updating you about the two managers that everyone thinks are secretly dating. You wish it could just continue on in the same way for a few more hours, wasting the rest of the day away with silly conversation. But your nerves have been eating at you all evening, gently at first. Now it feels aggressive; now your whole nervous system feels like a city at rush hour, jam packed with cars and accidents and people rushing their way to wherever they're going. You feel like you'll explode if you wait any longer.

"Have you talked to Yunho recently?" you venture, hoping it doesn't sound strange.

"Of course, I saw him yesterday. We had a photo shoot." Mingi pauses. "Why?"

"I was just curious," you say, not at all sounding believable.

"Y/n, you don't need to check on me, if that's what you're doing. Me and Yunho are still best friends, as always. Just because we don't live together anymore doesn't mean I don't see him or we're not as close."

Momentarily you feel relief at Mingi's incorrect assumption that you asked to check up on him. Momentarily you feel like you could escape the line of questioning you set up for yourself. You could just go along with it, just admit that you were checking up on him and say sorry, and then change the subject. Feelings soar through your chest, one of relief mixed with shame, and one of anxiety mixed with pride. Just push through, just fucking push through, you tell yourself. You breathe, steadying yourself. Mingi knows this look, this breath that you take.

"Y/n, what's wrong?" he asks.

"Mingi, I need to tell you something. It's about-" just then you are cut off by loud knocking at his front door.

"Who is it?" Mingi asks, not wanting to get up from the table.

"It's me. It's Yunho." You body freezes, your eyes widening. Mingi stands up to go open the door but you are unable to turn and follow him. You stay still as if glued to your chair. You look at the clock, which reads 7:47. Is he really done with his family thing already?

"What's up?" Mingi asks Yunho, greeting him with a hug similar to the one he gave you.

"Mingi, I need to tell you something. I-" Yunho cuts himself off at the sight of you. You've managed to turn your head towards the door and your eyes catch on each other, an obvious tension palpable. You snap your eyes away; it felt like his were burning into your soul. You feel so stupid for having waited so long to tell Mingi.

Yunho can't stop looking at you, a mixture of concern and confusion clear in his face. And Mingi can't stop looking between the two of you, his own face twisted in confusion. You seeming nervous to say something didn't seem all that weird. You were emotional like him and prone to making a big deal of things, at least in the way you broke news to him. But Yunho's unexpected appearance and unexpected words really were not like Yunho at all. And the look he was giving you was so fully of intensity. Longing too, it seemed. Mingi's mind raced trying to put the pieces together. He thought he knew what this was about. He had been waiting for the two of you to say something. All of the members had been waiting. But now his little sister seemed hurt, and his best friend so confused?

"What the hell happened?" he asked, finally. It was all he could say.

[vasito-de-leche]

A short (or not) ramble of scenarios and questions for reverse: 1999 self aware. (sorry if this bothers you, I just don’t have enough confidence to post it on my own blog (plus I love your content))

- Okay so first of all, in the main page of the game, when you click on the upper left corner with your level and username, you go to a screen with Vertin looking fly as ever along with some user information.

So if Vertin can see the game���s ui, then she can see the year in which the player has joined the game (2023-2024). I haven’t dived deep into Vertin’s character so I can’t portray her reaction to much, but I feel like she would tell this info to someone close like Sonetto.

Also our motto: I put “When in a rush, say ‘runs in high heels cutely.’”. I’d be so embarrassed if anyone (even fictional sentient characters) saw that. Like im dead.

On that topic, when you mentioned in your Sonetto self aware post that she can sometimes see us, and honestly, I’d be even more embarrassed. Cause like, if any of the characters from games I played, were sentient and could see me, id pray they didn’t see my bad angle. Like imagine looking up to the sky to see, just for a second, the chin of a head as the hands go to scratch their nose. Like the first impressions I would make.

- P2p players. Imagine the player spending money on the game (at the risk of Vertin possibly seeing their credit card number) to help level up or get costumes for their fave characters.

(Some misc. questions)

-what would happen if player didn’t log in the game for a while (a week to a month as best) cause I would ditch some games to spend more time on others

- What does Vertin think of the mail messages that the player gets? Like the latest mail I got was the discord event invitation. Upon closer inspection and critical thinking, it would hint that there would be more players other than us because it says the winners get 60 clear drops (oh and money too)

- If I remember correctly, I think you mentioned about Vertin hearing the player sometimes. So imagine her hearing us trash talk certain character *cough* Constantine *cough*.

(Anyways, I love your content ❤️ especially your fmn headcanons, can’t wait to see more posts!!)

;R1999 - Self-Aware AU (2)

Answering some questions and discussing the Self-Aware AU. A follow up of this post.

not a bother at all, you bring up really good questions and details that are fun to explore! I'm glad you like my stuff, have a nice day o7!

On the subject of Vertin seeing the player's profile.

With the way I intended to portray Vertin within the AU, I don't think she would be affected by the date on the Player's profile!

This is the date you came into contact with her from your perspective, whatever time and space that flows within your world, not hers─the world behind the fourth barrier that she cannot see nor hear nor even fathom, let alone try to make sense of. In a way, it's like expecting ants to care about concepts we made up, such as time. They understand night and day, they do not understand 3PM nor 8AM.

Is it truly proof that time can go beyond 1999, when this is something that only she can see? When it doesn't affect a single thing within her universe by being part of a game menu meant for your eyes only? There's also the fact that she finds out the proper time of the world in the 1.4 update, in Chapter 05.

Her dynamic with the Player is something I like to keep vague, so that everyone can fill in the blanks, but ultimately it is something so complex and private for Vertin─who sees it as a one-sided relationship, since she cannot hear nor see you, unlike other arcanists who may reach the 100% bond─that I don't think she would talk about it with anyone, not even Sonetto! The name on your profile and whatever message you've written there are secrets she will take to her grave. The idea of Vertin being the eyes and hands of the Player, but having no way to truly see or hear them makes for a really fun concept to explore!

And on the subject of messages, let's be honest, if you've written something funny or some modern shitpost, chances are she won't understand it LMFAO so it's okay! I literally just have my socials and "men enjoyer" listed there.

Oh! But since you brought it up, the message section could be a fun, little way to communicate with Vertin, since she can read what's on there!

As for P2P players, Vertin wouldn't see any information from the Player's credit card since that's something that happens outside the app lolol. Like, to me, it directly opens to google play transaction stuff.

On the subject of the player dropping the game for long periods of time.

Hmm, in the first post I said that there might be characters ouside Vertin and her suitcase who may be self-aware, with their own goals and such. But nothing truly "matters" unless the Player is there to witness it. So to keep including these possibilities and details, I feel like there's two options, pick whichever you like the most!

One, time continues as usual within the game─but once it reaches an important date where the plot is meant to kick in with some important event, it simply resets back to where you left it. This is a world that exists outside of your perception, but cannot continue without you.

Two, time freezes entirely within the game─but only for those who are not self-aware. Keep in mind we're talking about long periods of time, this wouldn't happen if you log in every day, or every few days. This is what happens when your phone picks up the fact that Reverse: 1999 is one of the unused apps taking up space in your phone. This is a world that stops existing once you stop looking at it.

In both options, the Wilderness would remain unaffected as it seems to be entirely disconnected from the flow of time and space outside of it.

On the subject of the game's mail.

Since the messages auto-delete and all, I can't check but I'm pretty sure Vertin receives mail too? There were a few ones from a few characters a while back like Druvis III or An-an Lee, and I think the implication is that they were vaguely addressing Vertin?

If someone has screenshots and can confirm this, please let me know!

Either way, the easy answer is that yeah, she knows this is a game, so she could make the assumption that there's more players. She has access to your friend list, after all! And even if you don't have anyone added, the fact that it exists is enough for her to start connecting the dots.

I don't remember saying that Vertin can hear the Player, though! I think I was pretty consistent with her not being able to see nor hear you, to have the Player as some sort of eldritch, unknowable entity. But I also write so much stuff in this blog that it's hard to keep up sometimes lolol, if I've mentioned somewhere that Vertin can hear the player, it was a mistake!

[changbunnies]

After The Rain With You (18+)

�� Pairing: Farm Boy!Changbin x Princess!Reader

♡ Genre: royal au, historical au, fluff, initially intended to be light angst but i got carried away with emotion like i did with the minho fic lol, forbidden love (i cannot help myself with this trope it seems), ending is sad / bittersweet (i'm sorry !!) but also leaves hope that they'll live happily ever after ;v;

♡ Word Count: 13.9k (this was intended to be under 10k but here we are lmao oops)

♡ Summary: Y/N, a princess bored and lonely, craved nothing more than to experience the world outside of the familiar 4 walls of her bedroom in the castle. Conjuring her bravery, she snuck out of the castle walls, eventually meeting a man that would change her life forever. Changbin, a local farmer who didn't realize she's the princess, formed a close relationship with her that ineveitably turned into a budding romance. But now, met with her last moments of freedom, she prepares herself to have one final sweet moment with him before they are torn apart.

♡ Warnings: references to a parent being deceased, discussions of feeling trapped and alone, strict toxic parenting

♡ Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): reader is not a virgin during the smut scene in this but changbin is the only person they've ever had sex with, bin vaguely has a southern accent / speech style because thats how i pictures farmers talking lol, petnames (sweetheart, darlin', gendered language such as good girl), lots of kissing, biting / marking, loose dom/sub dynamics, nipple play, oral (f rec), unprotected piv, multiple orgasms, creampie, pretty self indulgent ngl lol

♡ Notes: i got the title from a short pokemon novel, iykyk. this was intended to be finished before the new year, but instead it's my first fic of 2024 and i hope you enjoy!

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

Freedom; something simple in definition, but not in practice, those in high positions of power always holding it out of the reach of those below them who yearn for it. It's intangible in concept, something you will never be able to see with your own eyes or grab with your own hands, but it was something you always yearned for, more than anything– and in the short time you had it, it was pure bliss.

You never considered yourself a rebellious girl, always dutifully listening to your elders, commiting manners and elegance to memory, never questioning the role you'd one day be made to accept. But in the past year, you'd found yourself having a bit of a rebellious streak– in secrecy, of course, because you knew very well that there'd be consequences to pay should your mother find out.

It's not that you ever hated being the princess, or that you dreaded the responsibility you held to your kingdom– you just wish you'd been given more freedoms. Freedom to speak your mind, freedom to feel the grass beneath your feet and the sun's rays on your skin whenever you wished, freedom to explore, to make mistakes, to learn and grow and love the way everyone else in the world but you seemed allowed to do. 

For years, there'd been a blindspot in the castle's defenses, a small patch of broken wall that guards were never ordered to defend or monitor closely, as the country had not seen war or received threat from neighboring countries in your entire lifetime.

"We'll repair it someday," your father always said before his passing, though it never came to fruition. It was not because he passed that the wall never received construction, but simply because your parents always preferred to delegate funds to something more pressing than a relatively small breach in the outer walls of the castle.

Sure, the hole was unsightly when noticed, but it was outside line of sight for the townsfolk, and much too small to accommodate an army through– one person at a time, maybe two if you squeezed, could fit through at most. Apart from that, the fact that your father never used taxes to pay towards selfish things such as unnecessary castle repair gained your family high favor, with most commoners considering your father to be the kindest king the country had in centuries.

During the time your father was still alive, you often walked the streets as a family, talking to the commoners regularly and enjoying your time out on the town together, and you remember how it always felt like you were as normal a family as any other, too young to realize there was any difference between you and them.

You can still remember how your mother smiled then, when she held your hand while your father held the other, the townsfolk always doting on you, and how cheerfully your every day had been spent. Your mother was quite different now; she never smiled anymore, and when she did it felt so.. forced, sad.

Like your father took a piece of her joy with him when he went, and she was unable to reclaim it. And it was at that time, when she took on all of the king's responsibilities by herself, that she'd begun to treat you differently. Stricter on your studies, never allowing you to step foot outside the castle, shutting down any talk of letting you out on the town or interacting with anyone outside the castle's walls.

And now the whole kingdom, who considered you to be the country's most beloved princess, could scarcely remember what you looked like; and even those who could remember would likely no longer recognize you. You were a child when you were last allowed outside, and now you were a grown woman, still confined by her mother's strict rules.

Despite the reclusive life you were forced into, many of the commoners still thought of you fondly– at least according to word of mouth from the castle's maids and knights.

You were the daughter to a king and queen that were practically revered as saints, and many imagined that the reason you were always holed up within the castle was because you were studying dutifully, imagining that when you came to power someday, you'd be just as benevolent, kind, and intelligent of a ruler as your father was.

You certainly intended to live up to those expectations, because as stated, you don't hate being the princess by any means. You recognize that you have privilege, responsibility, and that people put their pride and faith in you even now, before you've ever even come close to touching the throne. But all that being said, it didn't stop your heart from wanting just a little bit more out of your life.

Simply put, you found it incredibly dull sitting inside the castle all day, the same lessons being reiterated day in and day out, as if you didn't already have them memorized by the age of 10. Eventually, your mother realized you had no further need for a tutor, and requested that the woman in charge of your education stop coming, but that didn't mean your afternoons suddenly became enjoyable; quite the opposite in fact. 

The joy you initially held over no longer having to spend your afternoon listening to the same drivel you'd heard countless times from a pedantic old woman evaporated with the realization that even without a tutor to occupy for time, you'd still be stuck in the castle all day long. Your mother never permitted you to leave, even if you promised you'd stay close to the knights that would accompany you, pleaded with her to let you do something other than sitting inside all day. 

But still, her stance on the matter never changed. You'd begun to resent her sentiments, to hate that you were stuck with nowhere to go and nothing to do. The country wasn't under any threat, your fathers death was an unfortunate accident, and as far as you knew you were well loved, so what did she need to be so protective for? Especially now, when you weren't even a child anymore; you just couldn't understand.

You’d spend your days staring out your window listlessly, wondering what the grass on the horizon would feel like beneath bare feet. It’s a shame that you don’t know; you were always scolded for taking your shoes off if you weren’t within your own room, and besides that, the ground is littered with dirt and cobblestone all the way up to the gates of the town, which you had never gone past.

Shouldn’t your youth be full of experiencing things like this? Why couldn’t you explore now and then settle down in the castle later in life? It didn’t feel fair that you were so clueless about the basic truths of the world, and instead had your brain filled to the brim with knowledge of etiquette and politics.

It was with those thoughts in mind that you planned to find the answers to all your questions and sate your endless curiosities by sneaking through the hole in the castle walls that had gone unattended to.

After the first time you successfully snuck out to experience all you’d been missing (which took months of diligent watch and preparation to ensure you wouldn’t be spotted from a distance by patrolling knights), you’d slowly made your way further and further away from the castle, testing the limits of how far you could make it each day, gauging how long it would take for someone to notice your absence.

To your delight, because you spent most of your days alone in your room, no one seemed to notice you’d ever been gone as long as you made it back before dinner was to be served. And so, you'd stay out until sunset, exploring the town you'd grown to only ever see from your window, making sure to wear the least expensive looking gown in your wardrobe, doing your best to blend in with the commoners.

Thankfully, the task was easier than you'd expected given that none of the townsfolk had seen you up close since you were a small girl. You were perhaps strange in behavior as compared to them, given how much you questioned what was around you, but certainly not one person suspected you were the princess– just a sheltered, perhaps eccentric, young woman.  

As you became more comfortable, and got closer to the town gates with each passing day, your excitement would grow exponentially; the world beyond the gates was so foreign to you, even more so than the town itself had been. From your bedroom window, the fields that lied beyond the town gates appeared so miniscule, and you only knew what lied beyond because you’d been told about it, not because you’d seen it for yourself.

It was this determination to discover what lied beyond your limited world view that lead you to meet the man who'd come to hold your heart for the first time. You remember how your heart raced when you first approached the town gates, how your eyes darted to every corner to try to take in every minute detail.

The cobblestone became sparse, leaving nothing but dirt road to walk on, the wheels of countless carriages and horses hooves indented in the path, leading both to and away from town. You’d been told numerous times that beyond this point lies the farms that fueled the town with their food, and resources such as leather and wool to create clothing, blankets, and the upholstery on your furniture.

And for the first time in your entire life, you were about to see it all up close with your own eyes, instead of vaguely from your bedroom window.

You knew their work was vital to the prosperous existence of your country, and you’d always found yourself wanting to know what it was like, to learn about how the world works not from a dull lecture or written text, but to experience it yourself, to truly understand the lives of the people you would one day govern beyond what you’d been told.

To say you had a curious mind was perhaps an understatement; you were always full of curiosity about the world around you, but simply being told about the world wasn’t enough for you to be satisfied. 

To experience with your own eyes, to feel with your own hands– that was what being alive was truly about, wasn’t it? You didn’t feel your life was meant to be spent wasting away in your room until the day you became useful.

If you spent your youth seeing the world, learning about it from your own lived experiences, wouldn’t that make you a better queen some day? To know the plight of the common man because you lived it for yourself? 

That’s what you wanted– the freedom to explore, to learn, to grow, and when the time was right, you’d accept your duty gracefully, and play the role you were meant to. But until then, there was nothing more you wanted than to feel the earth beneath your feet, to understand what a blessing it truly is to feel the warmth of the sun beaming down on your skin, to learn what it is that makes life beautiful to live. 

With a deep inhale to steady your racing heart, you took your first step outside the town gates, trying your best to not appear too nervous and draw undue attention to yourself. You conjured all the confidence you could muster into your steps, your short heels sinking into the pure dirt before you.

It was a clear spring day, the sun welcoming you warmly, as if confirming that this was a decision you were meant to make, that following your heart and exploring the lush earth is what your true purpose was. 

You recall how different everything felt once you were fully outside the town– it was almost unbelievable how green, pretty and vibrant the outside looked when compared to the dull, monotonous grays and dirty browns you'd met with inside the town walls. And even the castle interior, while still pretty and not devoid of color like the town often seemed to be, still didn't compare to the nature that lied before you.

You saw children running through the grass without shoes, freely giggling as they play what you assume to be some sort of game, one you'd never had the chance to play. They were utterly carefree, and so full of life; how you wished you could be the same– just kick off your shoes and prance through the fields and the trees without a care in the world, with nothing to weigh you down. What a joy it must be, to live innocent and free, knowing nothing but laughter and love. 

You took time to admire naturally growing flowers, to lean down to carefully caress the petals, to feel the grass on your fingertips since you’re much too scared to actually take your shoes off despite how bad you’d have liked to. Following the road, past the sprawling fields where the children play, you eventually came to the occupied farm lands, and it was there, just before the fields turned into seemingly endless forest, that you met him for the first time.

His was the last farm for you to observe, and it held a surprise that made you positively gasp in delight; animals! You'd always thought the farm animals you’d seen in your books looked so cute, and you always wanted to feel their fur or feathers, wondering if they were truly as soft or as coarse as they were described to you.

Was a sheep’s wool still soft before it was knit into a blanket, or woven into clothing? How did a chicken's feathers feel before they were stuffed into a pillow? It was something you were endlessly curious about. 

However, you certainly knew better than to just waltz up to an animal that doesn't know you, and especially not one that is on someone else's land. So you settled for quietly observing them from outside the farm's sprawling gate, a huge smile on your face as you watched the animals graze.

Even at your distance, it was still the closest you'd ever been to an animal other than a horse, and you simply couldn't get over how cute and soft they looked. Sheep, cows, chickens, ducks– all impossibly cute, and how you wished you could go and hug them.

You propped your arms up on the wooden fence, resting your head against them as you simply watched. It was almost funny how something so simple and normal to someone else's everyday life could instill such joy and wonder with you. And that's when you saw him; a single man walking out from his quaint cottage towards the back of the land, attending to the animals and filling up what you assumed to be their feed troughs.

His home, you noticed, was put together the same way most of the town was– with stone and clay, a simple but well constructed wooden door, and a decent sized chimney on the left that you were well aware was necessary to funnel out smoke from fireplaces in homes such as his. And it fascinated you how his home could look so different from yours when it was comprised of the same materials.

When put down simply to its parts, there was nothing that separated the castle from a commoner’s home other than the sheer size of it. Your mother would often tell you not to compare yourself, or the splendor of the castle to that of commoners or their homes, but you never saw any harm in doing so. 

You’re all human, and the only difference between you and them is that you were born into a royal family and they weren’t. You think she focuses too much on title, when to you title is worth nothing beyond a name. Still, while you recognize that while you aren’t different from anyone else in a biological sense, you are when it comes to status, and you wanted to use your privileged position for good when the time came.

That is another reason you wanted to see the country for yourself, to put yourself in the shoes of the people and understand them. How can you be a good queen someday if you understand nothing of how the world truly works, or if every decision is fed to you from someone else? 

Really though you have to admit, apart from all the good reasons you had to sneak out, you equally had selfish ones. But was it so wrong to indulge your curiosity? You’ve tried many times to push aside your thoughts and to understand why you must stay solitary in the castle all day, but try as you might, this is all you want.

To see, to experience, to feel; why was it only wrong for you to want that, and not for anyone else? Even if you’re the princess, you should still be allowed basic human freedoms– that’s what you believe, anyways.

You lost yourself in thought for a time, simply staring out at the scene of the man caring for his animals in front of you. You wondered if he was happy doing this everyday; was it monotonous, or did he take pride in it? Did he love his animals, or were they strictly the avenue he'd taken to provide for himself?

You also wondered what you would be doing if you weren't the princess; would you be a farmer's daughter, spending all your days in the fields with the animals like he does? It was oddly fun to ponder on, to picture yourself leading a different life than one you'd led up to that point.

Maybe it was a form of escapism, and maybe you had more grievances with your upbringing than you'd let yourself believe at the time. Either way, a smile once again made its way to your lips as you pictured yourself feeling the fluffy wool of a sheep beneath your fingertips, as warm, soft, and comforting as a blanket in your imagination.

The man took notice of you after only a few moments, because realistically, how can he not notice a girl blatantly propped against his fence, staring at his land? He was sure he didn't know you, didn't recognize you from any of the farming families that have homes adjacent to his, and he didn't go into town nearly enough to have made friends outside his small bubble.

So who were you, and why were you staring at him like that? "Do you need somethin', miss?" The burly man called out to you as he started to approach, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm.

"O-Oh, uh, no, I apologize," you stuttered out, feeling instantly intimidated as he came closer; not because he was an intimidating person per se, because while his eyes are sharp, they also have a unique softness to them.

It was his size that made you shrink back and feel small; you didn’t realize just how large the man was until he was practically face to face with you. Even the knights you���re met with daily, who undergo strict, intensive physical training, pale in comparison to the muscular physique of the man you in time came to know well.

You remember how he looked at you curiously, head tilting to the side as he watched you straighten your posture and take a step back from his fence. “I was just.. curious, about the animals. They’re very cute,” you explained and the man chuckled a bit, wiping his dirty hands on his worn trousers before stepping up to his fence.

“I take it you’re from the town then? Can’t imagine you bein’ that curious about my animals otherwise,” he replied pleasantly, a warm, sort of prideful smile on his face. It confirmed his suspicions as well– you were definitely not someone he’s met before.  

"Yes, I've only ever seen them in books," you explained further, a bit timid now as you suddenly felt a wave of embarrassment wash over you. You were sure a commoner of your age would never be as fascinated by the animals as you were; they see them every day, it's a normal part of life for them.

And you recall scolding yourself, really feeling that you needed to do a better job of hiding your lack of worldly experience when meeting new people so you'd stop having interactions like this. “I apologize again, I must appear very strange..”

“No need for that, sweetheart. I think it’s nice– I’m so used to bein’ around ‘em, that I don’t really stop and take it all in anymore. Reminds me of what I got, so thank you for that,” he replied kindly, his smile spreading an unfamiliar warmth through you in that moment.

He was very, very kind, and you appreciated that he didn't judge you or find you to be a fool for your innocent curiosity. "I could show you around, if you'd like. Let you meet them," he offered, and you positively beamed, though you really should have shown some restraint in the matter.

"Could I really?" you couldn't help but ask eagerly, eyes sparkling with pure wonder and excitement at the prospect of seeing so many things you'd never encountered before up close. “Course, just come ‘round to the front” 

With no hesitation, you eagerly turned and began to sprint (in quite unladylike fashion, you might add) to where you saw the gate to his property some time earlier. You could hear the man's laugh carry even as you ran (not advised in the shoes you were wearing, but you carried on nonetheless), stopping just in front of the small, modest gate.

You waited for the kind man to catch up to you, not wanting to do anything rude or presumptuous by stepping onto his land without being specifically directed inside. "You took off so fast, you didn't give me a chance to introduce myself," he laughed as he approached you again, and your face immediately flushed, embarrassed by your excitability over everything.

"Name's Changbin," he introduced himself warmly after he opened the gate for you. You smiled timidly, giving him your name as well and a polite bow after you crossed the border onto his property. “Pleasure to meet you, Changbin.”

"Likewise," he smiled as he closed the gate behind you, and it was then that your first true friendship began. In hindsight, it occurred to you that you should've given him a fake name; and while he did ponder on why your name seemed familiar to him, he didn't ever appear to put together that you were the princess.

What was clear to him was that you were from a wealthy family; after all, that was the only explanation he could reach to decipher some of your "odd" behaviors.

Your boundless curiosity, your utter excitement for the mundane, an unmatched passion for all the small things in life that he'd never seen before in anyone else. A light in your eyes as bright as the sun, filling him with warmth and adoration, your wonder and inquisitive nature both pure and infectious. 

He asked you once, what it is your family does, if being from the "high society" part of town near the castle is what made you live a sheltered life, why you seemed so (respectfully) clueless about things beyond the scope of inner-town workings and politics.

You were surprised when he asked, and confirmed what he suspected, though you left out some of the very important details. After all, how could you tell him that the girl he's become friends with over the past few months, didn't just live near the castle– her home is the castle.

But you divulged what little you could, confided in him that your mother has high expectations of you, that she doesn't know you spend your days with him at his farm, that if she did know she certainly wouldn't approve, and he seemed to understand.

While he may not be a high born man, he's no stranger to how haughty they can be, what with their superiority complexes and luxury goods, as if it's not working men like him that provide them with what they consume in the first place.

You weren't like that in the slightest– you were good, pure natured, with an infectious zest for life that he couldn't help but find his own joy in. Seeing you interact with the world, the happiness you gained from the simplicities in life, the wonder and curiosity you held for all things, both small and grand– it was a trait of yours he'd come to adore.

You learned from him just as much as he learned from you, and you truly reminded him how beautiful life is, how there is magic even in the mundane, what a gift it is to have, to be, and to feel. Changbin introduced you to so much, shared so many parts of his life, and you were truly the happiest you'd ever been, always looking forward to the next day you could go out and see him again.

"Have you ever ridden a horse?" he asked one summer afternoon when you were in stables together, you sat on a hay bale while you watched him care for Dolly, a beautiful, black and white dappled horse that belonged to his mother, whom she named such due to 'her mane being as beautiful as a porcelain dolls.'

"Does being escorted in a carriage count?" you asked, and he laughed, shaking his head in amused disbelief. "No, darlin', a carriage don't count," he said, smiling as you pouted ever so slightly.

You were still a child the last time you were even in a carriage, given the fact that your mother never permits you to leave. You wondered what's more enjoyable; your memory of your last carriage ride is so faded, you wondered if you could even compare the experiences, were you to ever ride a horse.

As if sensing your thoughts, Changbin made an offer that once again made you beam, radiating joy and excitement. "I could teach you how. Or let you ride with me," he offered and you were eagerly nodding without a second thought, jumping straight to your feet.

"I'd love that!" Changbin returned your smile, promising that once he got Dolly situated in a saddle, he'd take you for a ride while telling you everything he knows and answering any question you may have about it, no matter how small or seemingly silly and "common sense."

He helped you up onto her back, making sure you sat comfortably on the back of the saddle, both your legs dangling over one side of her body due to the fact that you were wearing a dress. Changbin got up onto the saddle with ease, carefully not to accidentally hit you with his leg while making his ascent. After he was settled in front of you, he instructed you to wrap your arms around his torso, as it takes time to become adjusted to the movement of the horse and naturally find your balance.

You wondered if he could feel your heart race when your chest was pressed against his back, how your palms grew sweaty from holding onto him, how your face flushed every time he called Dolly a "good girl." You wondered what it'd be like if he said the same to you, if he praised you after he encouraged you or taught you something new.

The more comfortable you got, the more he allowed Dolly to pick up speed, until she was going around the enclosed pen in a brisk trot, your arms squeezing Changbin as you giggle joyfully, feeling the wind brush by your ears and pull back your hair. It was so fun, so new, another experience Changbin granted you that you wouldn't otherwise have ever had the chance to have.

When you were finished, as the sun was beginning to set and it was time for you to get home, lest your mother send a maid to summon you for dinner and find you absent, he jumped off Dolly first. He then held out his hand to you, offering for you to take it, promising he'd make sure you got down safely.

And he did, letting you squeeze his hand as you made the unfamiliar leap off, his opposite hand coming to your back to ensure you were stable on your feet after you landed. His hand lingered on your back even after it was apparent you were steady, and yours did as well, still holding onto his other hand even though you no longer had need to.

It felt as though there was a shift between you– both staring carefully at one another, a suggestion that you could be something more than this, that there was a connection beyond that of just friendship. Slowly, with the same smile for you he always had, he pulled his hand away from your back, but didn't make you part from his other hand, letting you hold it even as he walked you to his gate.

And you felt a stutter in your heart, unlike any you'd ever felt before then, returning his smiles happily, your cheeks dusted pink as you thanked him for the afternoon and bid him goodbye. Every once in a while you'd turn back just to see him still watching you, offering a soft smile and wave each time your gazes met again.

Then, there was the time you were inside his chicken coops with him, Changbin having taught you much about how to properly care for the animals in your time near him. And after weeks of observation, you wanted to help, to really try your hand at it! You did well, for the most part– your error came when trying to get a hen away from a freshly laid egg.

You tried your best to follow Changbin's instructions carefully, but still, your inexperience was greatly apparent, and you ended up upsetting the poor thing. When she flew up in protest, it startled you so much that you fell backwards. But Changbin caught you, one of his strong arms wrapped around your back and holding you upright as if you weighed nothing at all.

You blinked up at him in surprise, face growing red as he asked if you were alright, your heart unexpectedly pounding. You muttered out an apology, voice much meeker than you wanted it to be, but he simply smiled. He helped you steady yourself again to stand on your own, ensuring you that it wasn't your fault, and that he could tell you were genuinely trying your best.

"No one gets it right on their first try, don't be discouraged. You did good, sweetheart," he said, and the words somehow made your heart race faster, face growing even pinker. You were certain then– you liked him as much, much more than a friend.

You wanted him to always praise you, to console you, to call you sweetheart in a way beyond platonic. You wanted him to look at you romantically, to call you by such sweet names in a moment of love and passion.

When you returned home that day, lying in bed after finishing dinner and washing up, your thoughts were plagued by him– much more than they usually were, and in completely different contexts. How would his strong arms feel under your fingers while he held you up, supporting all of your weight as he took you in every way conceivable, across every surface of his home.

You'd had.. less than pure thoughts before of course, so it's not like this was new to you– what was new was having an explicit object of desire, someone you wanted to lie with, someone you imagined touching you everywhere. And you wanted to touch him too, to pleasure him in all the ways he'd surely pleasure you.

There were many times you watched him work, sweat collecting on his forehead, dripping down his brow, his breath growing heavier with labor, his broad chest rising and falling quickly with exertion– would he look the same atop you, under you?

You could imagine him, his body heavy between your legs, pressing you down against his mattress. And you could imagine him staring up at you, those same grunts of effort he makes while working pouring out for new reasons, for your hands all over him.

God, you were driving yourself crazy thinking about it. Changbin noticed, on another summer day where the sun was high and hot and leaving him sweatier than usual, that your face too was hot and red. What he didn't realize was that it was for reasons beyond that of the sun beaming down on you.

"C'mon sweetheart, let's go inside. It's hot out here, ain't it?" he'd said, deciding it was time, for both your sakes, to take a well deserved break. You agreed, thankful beyond words he thought it was simply the sun making you a heated mess, and not how absolutely divine he looked chopping wood in preperation for when the weather would change in a month.

You sat on his sofa together, sipping on lemonade he made himself by hand, thankful to be out of the unforgiving sun (and to have something to focus on besides how attracted you were to him.) "You seem to be thinkin' a lot. What's on your mind, darlin'?" Changbin asked after it was quiet for a time, your cup of lemonade held in your lap as you stared off at unfixed location.

"I've.. come to like you quite a lot more than I expected. As more than a friend, I think," you answered honestly, though you didn't expect him to do anything with your feelings.

While he was your first real connection with someone, you were sure he's lived a full, experienced life. You felt that there was no reason for him to like you as you like him, but still you told him. You already hid enough about your life from him, and you didn't want your thoughts and feelings to be another one of those things you keep from him.

"I'm fond of you too. More than a friend, and more than you probably know," he replied with a soft smile, setting his empty cup to the side. You blinked, cheeks turning pink as you practically gaped at him. "Do you mean that? Sincerely?" you asked, heart thumping loudly as you too carefully set your cup aside.

"I wouldn't lie to you darlin'. 'Specially not about matters of the heart," he responded earnestly, carefully moving closer to you. You met him halfway, slowly, your eyes timidly meeting his as his hand comes towards you, resting heavy but soft on your cheek.

"Tell me truly," he almost whispers, face coming close enough to yours to feel his breath tickle your skin, "Do you want to kiss me as badly as I want to kiss you?"

"Yes," you breathed out, and not even a full second later, his lips were on yours, plush and soft, butterflies filling your stomach and truly, you couldn't ask for any greater joy than that moment.

You kissed a lot after that– in greeting and in parting, sweetly, slowly, carefully, sometimes even urgently, needily, passionately. You'd help him with as much of his daily work as you could manage, so he could finish faster and you could spend the rest of the afternoon holding one another close.

Hands exploring anywhere and everywhere, both eager, both seeking more and more and more. Both indulging in the feeling of not just pleasure, but of closeness, intimacy beyond just the physical, the love and care you share for one another.

But as quickly as your happiness was obtained, it was taken away; unbeknownst to you, on an afternoon in mid fall, shortly after breakfast, a knight had seen you squeezing through the hole in the castle's wall, eager to spend yet another day with Changbin. He didn't think you were sneaking out at first– he thought maybe he was just mistaken on what he saw.

But when he stepped over, and it became clear that you were now nowhere to be seen, he had to inform your mother, as was his duty. And there are truly no words to describe how devastated you felt when suddenly, as if from nowhere, countless knights were surrounding you, pleading with you to return to the castle, lest they have to drag you back by your mother's command.

It became a spectacle in the street, commoners whispering amongst themselves as they tried to piece together what they were witnessing. Was the sweet, smiley girl they’d seen exiting and returning to town everyday for months really the princess this entire time?

You felt as if your entire world was collapsing as they escorted you back home, your heart squeezing painfully in your chest, knowing your mother would be positively furious when your eyes next met. But no, she wasn’t just furious– she was livid, the angriest you’d ever seen her in all your years.

You pleaded with her to understand, assured her that if you were truly going to run away from home and abandon your responsibility, then you wouldn’t have returned every single time you’d left. You didn’t want to be stuck here all day, every day, bored, alone, depressed, when there was an entire world out there to see, people to talk to, experiences to be had.

You’d do everything expected of you as a princess, and later as queen, but please– just this one thing, allow me this one thing. But no, your pleas fell on deaf ears, your mother completely dismissive of your feelings and unwilling to bend her iron rules.

And so you once again became a prisoner inside your own room, tears streaming down your cheeks as you stared at the edge of town from your window, Changbin so near, yet impossibly far. Your mother didn’t know of him; you didn’t tell her, nor would you ever, as things stand now– but how you wished you could tell her, “I’ve found love, and now I understand how truly a magical thing it is. I don’t want this to be the end of my joy.” 

Weeks passed, and while the pain never left you, you learned to manage it well enough, hopeful that you’d be reunited with Changbin someday soon. But then you saw them– carpenters, working diligently to fill the hole in the castle walls that you had repeatedly used for your daily escapes.

The color drained from your face, your heart sinking into the very depths of your stomach. Your plan to simply be an obedient daughter long enough for your mother to lessen her watchful eyes on you, to one day again leave the castle once her constant vigil had relaxed, was being thwarted before it could ever truly begin. 

You anticipated to be in this act for the long haul, knowing very well it could take months, or even years, to rebuild your mother’s trust in you, but you’d never imagined she’d take away the very source of your hope mere weeks after confining you away to your room. To call a hole in the castle’s defenses your “hope” may seem foolish to most, but it was all you had– a symbol of escape, of life beyond these four walls that had become your permanent home. 

The day it was filled would be the day you’d lose everything; your freedom, your friendships, your joy, your hopes, your dreams, everything. Even as you are now, a canary trapped in her gilded cage, the promise that simple flaw in the walls gave you kept you going– the promise that someday, even if it was years and years from now, you’d be free again, doing what you loved most, being with who you loved most. 

You know your mother cares for you, she wants the best for you, and the loss of your father, the king, much too soon has deeply scarred her. She fears for you, she keeps you ever at arm’s length because she can’t bear for you to part from her, to leave her behind the way your father had, but surely this isn't the answer. Surely there was something better than this, something that didn’t necessitate you being a prisoner in your own home. 

Fear of loss and devastation ruled her life, made her trap you lest you decide to leave and never return, failing to realize that it was her very actions and treatment of you that gave those fears of hers room to become reality. But to know heartbreak is to know truest love, and even should loss plague your life, you will never regret having discovered love.

You had no desire to abandon your family, your kingdom, or run from your responsibilities, but if that was the only way to be free, if there was no other conceivable way to experience life’s joys and warmth, then.. What else was there for you to do?

Ironic, how your mother had unwittingly created a self-fulfilling prophecy when she forbade you from living a life of your own, her own actions resulting in the very outcome she feared most of all.

You have to do something, anything, now, before it’s too late, and you are left with nothing but the fleeting memories of the man you hold so dear. You bide your time, waiting until nightfall when the carpenters have left for the night to make your move.

Your mother has posted knights to the spot now, instructed to keep a watchful eye should you try again to leave the premises, but you think with the right timing, you can slip out unnoticed. There’s a small window of time where, when the knights standing guard rotate shifts, the hole in the castle’s walls will have no one standing in front of them.

It’s risky, and if you’re too slow you’ll be spotted by the new knights taking over for the ones who departed, but it’s the only chance you have, so you need to take it. As soon as the knights previously keeping watch over the area get far enough away, you dart for the breach in the castle.

The hole is definitely smaller than it was before, but you still manage to squeeze past just fine, with seconds to spare. You hear the sounds of the new knights approaching as you begin to sprint away, luckily having not noticed anything amiss.

The streets are much different at night, the subtle illumination from the candles in the surrounding buildings hardly enough to point you in the right direction. You look to the horizon instead, hoping that the dark line of trees on the horizon will be enough to guide you to the gate leaving town.

Some who notice your desperate run call out, concern evident in their voice, but you can’t stop for them, can’t stop until you’ve made it to Changbin’s side. And though it is not without struggle, you do, eventually, thankfully, find your way out of the town.

You’re panting, chest heaving as your heart pounds and your lungs desperately try to suck in air once you’ve made it completely outside the town gates– but still, you aren’t where you need to be, so you can’t stop yet. Pushing yourself to your very limits, even as your legs scream at you and harsh cold pricks your skin, you can finally make out Changbin’s land in the tree-lined horizon.

Reaching the gate to his property, you push it open in haste, taking hardly any steps past the threshold before you collapse to your knees, the ache and exhaustion refusing to be ignored any further. You bring a hand to your heart, taking a few seconds to calm yourself and breathe before you attempt to rise back to your feet.

But your legs refuse the action, much too weak to support you beyond what they’ve already done. It’s good enough, you suppose; they’ve carried far, with much more urgency than you’d ever thought possible. And now you’re right here, so close to where you need to be– and despite being a princess, you’re not above crawling your way over to Changbin’s door if you must.

Once more, you try– and though weak, and unsteady, you are able to rise once more. You can’t run, can hardly even walk as sore and as exhausted as your legs are, but they carry you as far as they can, recognizing the urgency you feel, aiding you as much as it can in your last, desperate effort.

Your throat is dry, it hurts, but you call out Changbin’s name regardless, hoping he’s awake, hoping he hears you, hoping he’ll wrap his arms around you, kiss you, console you, even if it’s just this one last time.

It’s been over a month since the last time Changbin saw you, and there’s so many questions he can’t help but ask himself, that he wishes he could ask you, so he didn’t spend all his hours distracted with worry and self-doubt. There had been gaps in the time you spent together before, but never for this large of a duration of time– a week usually at most.

Did he do something wrong the last time you were together? Or did your strict mother finally learn of your deceit, and now made you keep away, unable to return to his side though you may have wished to? He just wishes he knew for certain what it is, so that even if he was saddened, he did not have to have his mind consumed by what if’s and uncertainties.

There was a time, even, where he considered going into town and asking of you, but he was worried that doing so would only create more problems for you if the wrong person caught word of his inquiries. So all he could was wait– wait, and hope, that you would return again before year’s end, and that he would have the answers he so desperately craves to his questions.

Most of all, he just hopes you’re well; you’d expressed more than once that you loved your life and your family, you just didn’t want to feel trapped. You wanted to have choices, to feel like your thoughts and opinions matter, to be allowed to live as most other people do when they are not burdened with what their future will be.

Whenever you spoke of home, he always found it unfair, and he felt for you. You loved your mother, dearly, but he could see how you struggled with her rules, how sadness lingered in your eyes and resent bubbled up within you despite how you tried to not feel such things. 

And though he understood why you could not, he wished at times that you could simply stay with him– to not have to depart the moment the sun began to sink, to lie in bed with him all night, to have breakfast and dinner together, to live without worry together.

He’d work hard for you, even harder than he does now, and it’d be worth it to see you smile at him as you always do, so bright and full of light, keeping each other company on your loneliest days and nights. Changbin sighs, exhaustion plaguing him as he sits before the small fire he has going in his living room, head falling back against his sofa.

He hasn’t slept well these past few nights– he just can’t help but think of you at all hours, and every time he closes his eyes to sleep, he’s met with the image of you. It keeps him up, though not all his thoughts of you are plagued by unpleasant worry– sometimes it’s simply just the image of you smiling or laughing, and he feels nothing but warmth, even as he is reminded how much he truly misses you. 

Should you never return again, for whatever reason that may be, he doesn’t think he would ever regret having known you and given his love to you. Short-lived though your romance may be in the grand scheme of his life, and all the years he may be blessed to live, it was of the utmost importance.

He’d be remiss to let those memories become tarnished or devalued. You reminded him of how much joy there is in life, how grateful he is to have what he does, how much beauty there is in even the smallest of things. 

Another sigh leaves his lips as he lifts his head, rubbing carefully at his weary eyes– he should probably try to rest soon, though he feels sleep will likely stay out his reach for some time after his head hits the pillows. He stands from the sofa, preparing himself to extinguish the fire and head to bed, when he hears a strange, unfamiliar sound from outside his door.

A thud, almost– as if something with a not insubstantial amount of weight thumped to the ground. It couldn’t be his logs; he knew the sound of falling logs well enough to recognize the distinct sound made when one toppled– and often times when one fell, more followed.

This was unlike that entirely, only one sound followed by silence, and the sound itself was still too dense to be one of his pieces of chopped wood. The sound felt more.. concentrated; an animal perhaps? And if it was an animal, he couldn’t let it go ignored– especially not if it was one of his own. 

As Changbin steps closer to his door to investigate the sound, he hears something else entirely unexpected– a frail voice.. your voice..? Rushing to his door now, he opens it in haste, eyes darting to find the source of what he heard. And there, he sees you, collapsed to the ground before him, looking up at him with a mix of relief, exhaustion, and anguish.

Your name leaves him in a gasp as he leans down to you, concern evident in his voice and expression. His hands reach out to touch you and shit, your body is freezing; you are woefully ill dressed for the late fall chill, and who knows how long you’ve been out in it with nothing but your dress. 

Quickly, he picks you up, carrying you inside and using his foot to kick the door shut behind him. “Just sit here a minute,” he says as he sits you down on the sofa, rushing to his room to grab all the blankets and pillows he can carry.

He prepares a sort of makeshift bed on the floor in front of the fireplace, laying down all the blankets and pillows he collected, his intention being to have you lay by the fire and spread some much needed warmth through your chilled body. Changbin scoops you back up when he’s satisfied with his work, very carefully laying you down a close (yet safe) distance to the fire, nestling beside you after and laying an additional blanket over your bodies.

He has so many questions, his mind is racing, but they can wait– making sure you’re not going to suffer frostbite is of much more importance. He lets you use him for warmth, not complaining a bit when your cold limbs tangle with his, letting you sap his warmth and take it for your own. 

He brings his hands to your face, warming your cold cheeks in his palms, looking you over carefully. You looked unhurt, thankfully– he has no idea what you’ve gone through, but he’s glad you’re here now, and looking well, all things considered.

“Do you want to tell me what’s happened?” he asks softly, pushing the fallen hair away from your eyes, letting him meet your gaze without obstruction. You swallow down your bubbling emotion, wanting to be clear and concise, to leave no room for confusion or error. 

“My mother is very strict, as you know.. She enforced her rules more harshly after she discovered how I’d been spending my time. I had to sneak out again just to be here,” you answer, and his brows furrow.

“Again..? Have you been sneaking out to see me all this time?” he asks, and you nod, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Changbin knew your mother had strict rules, he knew she didn’t approve of her daughter meeting with those of lower class, but that wasn’t the extent of it? 

This whole time, he thought your lie to your mother was simply that you exited town– not that you left home entirely. He was under the impression that you were still allowed out on the streets, at the very least; not that you were caged up inside all day like some sort of bird. But this.. This was outrageous, cruel. To not let your daughter out of the house at all? That’s what you’d been dealing with this entire time? 

Relationships with parents are complex, but he almost can’t even believe you still love her after all this, that you still want to uphold whatever ambitions it is that she has for you; if it were him, he doesn’t think he could stand it. He followed in his parents footsteps because he wanted to, not because he was forced to.

And he doesn’t imagine you’d be much different from him in that regard. Naive though you may be at times, you had a strong sense of responsibility, and were intelligent in matters he was clueless on, a completely different kind of intellect from his own. Surely she didn't have to be so strict with you.

“You can stay with me,” he wants to say, “I’ll never make you do a single thing you don’t want to do, you’ll always be respected and happy.” But he knows you’d refuse, your sense of pride in yourself and responsibility simply too strong to abandon just because of one obstacle, harsh though that obstacle may be.

In equal measure, you don’t think you could ever ask him to stay with you. How much would he have to give up to be with you? You don’t want to ask that of him– to make him give up his home and all he holds dear just to be stuck in the castle with you. He doesn’t even know you’re the princess in the first place.

And though you love him, it’s painfully apparent that you’re in two separate worlds that may not be destined to converge though you wish them to. “I don’t want this to be the end,” you say, hot tears finally starting to fall as you the emotion unleashes itself from the depths of where you’d pushed them down, “I don’t want this to be the last time I see you.”

God, Changbin feels like his heart is shattering. It’s so painful to see you reduced to this, you who is always so bright and vibrant in her joy, brought low to tears and heartache. Why must you endure this? Does your mother truly not understand how much pain she causes you but not allowing you to simply live?

“Don’t think like that. If you say it’s the end, then it will be,” he whispers, the pain in his own voice evident despite how he tries to hide it behind a mask of strength for your sake. The tears flow from your eyes and you let him rub them away with his thumb, let him fill your head with impossible, sweet promises.

Your whole life was clouded in dreadful, dreary rain, and there’s nowhere you wanted to be more after the rain cleared than with Changbin. What a ray of sunshine he was, even without intending to be– the light that illuminated your otherwise dark existence. And how painful it was to know that come morning, it would all become nothing but a memory from your youth. 

You lean forward to kiss him, tears continuing to leak from the corners despite having your eyes closed now. You want to tell him you love him, but you fear that saying so will only make the act of parting that much harder and painful.

You fear that no matter how much time passes, the name of your first love will forever be written in your heart, that you will never stop loving him even should you lead lives separate from one another. And still, you have no regrets, because for a time you felt truest joy and love, and what a gift it was to share with him. 

Taking his hands from your face, he pulls you closer, your entangled limbs being woven together more complexly, your torsos now completely flushed to one another. His arms wrap around and hold you tight, as if lessening his hold on you would cause you to dissipate.

And you will disappear, but not now– not while he has you like this, not when you are where you long to be most. Your tears slow, eventually receding completely as your lips touch. If this is truly your last moment together, you have decided you will not spend it wallowing in sorrow– you will enjoy all you can, you will memorize every detail, you will etch it in your very soul.

“Are you warm enough?” Changbin asks after he separates from you, though still close enough that his breath lingers on your lips. “Could be warmer,” you answer and he chuckles softly, kissing you again, his hands roaming down the expanse of your body, to your hips. 

“Want me to add more to the fire?” he asks, a playful lilt in his voice as he knows that’s not what you’re insinuating. While you normally speak quite openly and honestly, you become.. meek within intimate moments.

Changbin always finds it incredibly cute, how you dance around what you mean, waiting for him to get the hint and give you what you want. He always gets the hint, but it’s adorable to see your blush grow hotter, to see you stumble with your words when he plays dumb about what you mean, or purposely misunderstands just to make you state what you want clearly. 

“It certainly wouldn’t hurt, but..” you trail off, chewing on your lip nervously as you meet his eyes again. He raises his brow but says nothing, smiling patiently as he waits for you to speak your mind. It makes the blush on your face flare, how he always waits for you to say it directly when you want to be intimate with him.

However, he doesn’t intend to waste too much time making you flustered like this; it’s just.. If this is the last time like you seem to believe, then he wanted to see it again now, before the opportunity was lost to him. 

“I’ve missed you a lot, you know. I want you to touch me,” you finally answer and his smile brightens, furthering the embarrassment you feel as heat rushes to your face. But better than being cold like you were earlier, you suppose; maybe you should welcome the way his reaction makes you feel, since it never fails to make your face and body hot.

“You missed me, darlin’? I missed you too,” he smiles, kissing your face, your lips, your jaw, your neck, “thought about you every damn day.” His low voice near your ear makes you shudder, his soft kisses down your neck, to your shoulder, furthering the feeling.

You never let him mark your skin, afraid of what consequences would come from your mother finding out what you’d been doing, but you’re tempted to let him tonight– if you’re going to be punished regardless, why not be selfish, go out with a display?

“Binnie, leave a mark on me, please,” you shamelessly plead, calling his name in the way you know he loves to hear you speak. Changbin lifts his head from your shoulder, meeting your gaze with uncertain excitement. God, he’d love to, but..

“Are you certain? What of your mother?” he asks carefully, pushing your hair behind your neck to expose more of your skin. He may be apprehensive out of concern, but the minute you make it clear you have no reservations, he’s obliging without restraint, giving you everything you ask– anything you want, you’ll have it. 

“I don’t care what she thinks anymore, I want her to know that I.. have someone I love,” you answer sincerely, and he smiles, his heart feeling like it’s expanding in size. “You love me?” he asks, and you return his smile as you nod, because though you were scared to tell him, you are glad you did. His reaction to the information was completely worth it, his eyes sparkling with deep emotion and fondness for you. 

“I love you too. More than you probably know,” he says, mirroring what he said when he confessed that he liked you too, and he lets you pull him into a kiss, your affection radiating. There’s a soft giggle that escapes him, not being able to help how giddy your love makes him feel, how you love him despite what people in your life expect from you.

If he could, he’d assure them all how well he’d take care of you, how he’d make sure you never suffered a day in your life because of him. He suspects your mother doesn’t care much about your happiness, but if she did, if she gave him the chance to prove it, he wouldn’t rest until he gave you the entire world, until she could see your love as true. 

You lay your head back to the pillows, tilting it comfortably so that Changbin has more access to your skin. His breath warms you, and you all but tremble with anticipation when you feel his lips on you again, knowing your skin will finally bear his mark after all this time.

You’ve seen such a mark briefly on your maids that you know to have lovers, how they try to hide them with their hair or makeup, the sort of shame and embarrassment they feel when they realize you’ve noticed it. You will have no such shame; you will wear them proudly, in a show that is simultaneously of love and rebellion.

"I have and I know love, and that is all that matters." And people will certainly have opinions, but you’ve sacrificed enough to them. If there is only one day you can live selfishly for the rest of your life, you want it to be this day; and even as the marks fade, they will serve as a reminder of what you once had. 

He plants open mouthed kisses to your neck, the feeling of his tongue and teeth grazing you adding to the anticipation you feel. Your fingers tangle in his dark, unruly curls, as he carefully, almost gently, sucks and bites at your supple skin, leaving behind a string of beautiful, red, blue, and purple bruises.

There’s a tinge of pain, yes, but the excitement grows beyond the subtle sting, transforming it almost entirely into pleasure. When Changbin’s finished with one side, he lies you on your back and does the same to the other, your eyes fluttering closed as you tilt your head for him to have more room to work.

You unintentionally tug on his hair when his teeth meet a particularly sensitive spot, and you would’ve apologized had he not groaned in delight from the feeling. You learned something new about him every time you were intimate, and this discovery in particular had your stomach flipping.

“Want you to take it off,” he mumbles in reference to your dress, pulling at the fabric that had begun to bunch up at your thighs. You hum, detangling your hand from his hair and letting him sit up, watching as he lifts his own shirt up and over his head, tossing it aside.

In all the times you’ve seen Changbin’s skin bare, you never stopped being amazed at how divine he looked. He was so big and strong, it always left you breathless, his cute, soft stomach a direct contrast from the bulk in his arms and chest. And then there was the small patch of hair that led from his belly button to the waistband of his trousers that always left you hungry to see the rest of him. 

Still feeling a bit weak from your exertion prior, you ask Changbin to help you remove your dress, which he is more than happy to do. He’s careful with the fabric, though you’ve decided you don’t care about it at this particular moment, and he sets it aside with much more care than he did his own clothing. What a gentleman he is, you think, taking the extra time to care for your clothes even when he’s met with you bare before him.

Well, not entirely bare– you still have your undergarments on, and after deciding you’d see Changbin today no matter what, you purposely wore your prettiest pair. A beautiful, intricate and delicate white lace, one you might aspire to wear on your wedding night. He looks you over in awe, taking in all your details. You were always beautiful, but your choice in clothing somehow enhances it, drives his excitement even further. 

“Fuck, you’re stunning. How did I get so lucky?” Changbin questions aloud and you smile, a soft giggle escaping you as he leans back down to kiss you. “Take your pants off too, otherwise it isn’t fair,” you playfully complain and he grins, letting out a giggle of his own as lifts himself back up.

“Maybe I spoil you too much, giving you everything you want so easily,” he responds to your complaint with one of his own, trying not to smile so that he appears serious– though you are easily able to read that he’s playing around, just as you were. 

“You give me everything I want because I’m a good girl for you though, right?” you ask and he whines audibly; you admitted early on in your sexual relationship that you were curious about being called such things. When he tried it out, it was discovered that he liked saying it just as much as you liked being called it.

It’s not just saying it to you that he likes either– hearing you call yourself one, saying it’s just for him.. that’s what really gets him going. And while he doesn’t want to be presumptuous and say you belong to him, especially not after all you’ve suffered through, he definitely belongs to you.

You don’t anticipate Changbin pulling his underwear down with his trousers, but the sight of his cock is never unwelcome. It’s already hard and leaking, and when he leans down to you once again, you can feel it pressing against your bare thigh, smearing its fluid on your skin. It always excites you how hard he gets from your body, always enjoyable watching him get riled up just from looking at you bare or from saying a few sweet words. 

“You’re dangerous,” he says with a small huff, and before you can come back with more words to make his cock throb, he’s kissing you again, this time with much less softness, quickly shoving his tongue past your lips.

You welcome it, opening your mouth for him, letting his tongue lick yours. The feeling always makes you light-headed in the most delicious way possible– it’s intoxicating to put it simply, and you would kiss him for hours and hours if given the chance. 

His hands come to your bra, unhooking it easily after all the practice he’s had, and though he could easily toss it aside, he breaks away long enough to set it down gently. You giggle at how he’s still treating your clothes with care even while this hard and eager, but that’s what makes you love him so much.

Returning to your mouth, he nips and sucks at your bottom lip, and you mewl at the sting, which Changbin always gladly soothes with his tongue before repeating. His fingers roll, pinch, and tug your nipples, not too hard, but enough to have you whining and squeezing your legs together.

They were always so sensitive in Changbin’s rough, calloused hands, and there were times you felt you could cum simply from the stimulation of them alone– especially when he used his mouth at the same time. And he did just that when he pulled away to stop kissing you, though not right away.

He kissed all over your chest, leaving love bites and sucking small, almost delicate bruises onto the sensitive skin of your breasts, not yet touching your nipples with his tongue and teeth. You told him to mark you, and it seems he was determined to do it everywhere– not that you had any objections. It was a bit strange, seeing your chest bitten and the color of your flesh changed, but you equally enjoyed it, loved the physical proof that Changbin was on you. 

When his tongue finally swirled around one of your nipples, you let out a breathy moan that quickly turned into a drawn out whimper when he used his teeth. He made sure not to hurt you too overtly, to just give you enough of that sweet sting you found so enticing and pleasurable, and in return you gave him that same delicious feeling by tugging on his hair every time you felt good. 

Your panties were soaked by the time he stopped giving your breasts attention, and though you hadn’t reached your peak from the stimulation, you felt so close. Resuming his path down your body, Changbin’s cock throbs and twitches when he’s met with evidence of your excitement, your white panties darkened by how damp they’ve become.

He doesn’t pull them down right away– he kisses your legs first, and then your thighs, leaving behind the same kisses and marks he gave to your chest and neck. Your inner thighs are especially sensitive, and it causes you to jolt and whine when he sinks his teeth into the meat of them.

He’s got you so impossibly worked up, you feel like you could cry when he finally gives your neglected heat the attention it craves. He praises you before he slides your panties down your legs, and there’s a relieved sort of noise coming from your throat that makes Changbin chuckle. 

You keen when his tongue finally slips between your folds, licking and sucking up everything you have to offer him. There’s an enthusiastic hum that leaves his lips when your fingers tangle in his hair again, followed by a moan when you pull and tug. Your legs are trembling and twitching so much, constantly threatening to close around his head, that he has to push them down to keep you how he wants you.  

It’s when his tongue meets your clit that you really start to lose yourself, your hips jolting up and back arching, legs quivering when he wraps his lips around it and sucks. You’re panting, begging him for more, incoherently mumbling and babbling about how close you are, and within seconds you’re seeing white, eyes rolling back as further arousal gushes on his face.

He licks your release up with another eager hum, dragging out the feeling until you’re a quivering, overstimulated mess beneath him. You release your hold on his curls when you finally come down from your high and your body relaxes, opening your eyes to see Changbin grinning at you, evidently proud of the fact that he got you to cum so intensely.

He kisses you softly, quick and chaste, not trying to hinder you from taking any of the breaths you need, just wanting to show his affection. “What do you want next, darlin’? Since I’m givin’ you everything you want,” he asks, rubbing soothing circles on your skin as he awaits your answer.

“W-Want to be on top but.. I’m still feeling pretty weak. Especially after that,” you reply with a slight blush, and he giggles again, cooing at you as if you’re just so sweet and cute (and to be fair, you are– you always will be, at least to him.)

“S’okay sweetheart, I can help you,” Changbin says sweetly, giving you one more kiss before he’s lying down on the makeshift bed and pulling you on top of him. Your legs are on either side of them, his hands on your hips, looking up at you with pure affection. 

“This good? Comfortable?” he asks, and you hum with a nod, smiling just a bit as you lean down to kiss him again. Normally, given how thick he is, Changbin would prep you before having you take his cock, but given how wet and excited you are, he doesn’t think the prep is as necessary (and you might not be patient enough for it after all the build up to this point regardless.)

He helps you line yourself up with his cock, both of you letting out your own shaky noises as you sink down on him. “Atta girl, keep goin’, just like that, sit on me all the way,” he encourages you, and you do just as he asks.

Your hands tightly gripping his biceps to ground and support yourself as you sit flush with his body, the back of your thighs meeting the top of his. He rubs your thighs and legs, trying to show soothing affection as you adjust and settle, listening attentively to all the trembling exhales and noises you make. 

You look so beautiful atop him, illuminated in the gentle, warm glow of the fireplace, your hair having fallen in a way that messily, yet somehow perfectly, frames your face. He can see everything– your breasts, your stomach, your thighs, beautifully painted with all the marks he left behind. You can feel him twitching and throbbing inside you, but he doesn’t rush you along, lets you take all the time you need. 

You feel him twitch again when you lean down to kiss him, and it’d make you giggle if it also didn’t make a wave of pleasure shoot through your body. You move your hands to his chest to support your own weight better, rolling your hips as you coax your tongue into his mouth.

He lets out a moan from deep in his chest as you move, his tongue wasting no time in meeting and dancing with yours, his fingers squeezing at the already tender meat of your thighs. You lift yourself back up to begin moving in earnest, your hands still planted firmly on his chest for support as you slide yourself up and down his length.

The slow pace, while it still feels good, isn’t enough for either of you, and soon enough you find yourself practically bouncing on his cock, the sound of your thighs repeatedly slapping down on his echoing into the room. Changbin curses, biting his lip as he watches you, using his hands to help guide you up and down, trying to ease some of the ache in your legs. 

He thrusts upward into you when your pace starts to stutter and lose rhythm, and you gasp, eyes rolling back as he hits the perfect spot again and again. It reaches a point where his hands simply hold you in the right place while he exerts all his effort, feet planted firmly on the ground while he does all the work from below. Your nails dig into his skin, head falling back as you feel your release building up again. 

Changbin effortlessly flips your positions, though he is careful not to hurt you in his haste. He just wants to make you fall apart again, and it’s easier to do that if he doesn’t have to control your movements– just his own. He resumes the pace he held from below, bringing two of his fingers to your clit and rubbing in quick circles, unable to help the way he moans when he feels you clench around him even tighter in response. 

“B-Bin, please, Binnie, so close,” you babble and whine, your hands twisting the blankets beneath you. “I know sweetheart, let go, be a good girl and give it to me,” he grunts out, and again, you feel white hot pleasure coursing through your veins, your vision blurring and mind growing fuzzy as you let go.

“Good girl, just a little more, just need you to hang on for a little more,” he both instructs and praises, pulling out just long enough to flip you to your stomach, pushing back into your heat just as quickly as he left it. You whimper loudly, fingers clutching desperately at the pillow your head rests on, Changbin bringing a hand around your body to lift your hips ever so slightly.

He was hitting your spot deliciously from this angle, the pleasure so great that tears once again pricked the corners of your eyes, threatening to fall with each gasp and whimper you released. You turn your head back as much as you can, delighted in the visage of Changbin’s head thrown back in pleasure, 

He always got rougher when he started to get close, his hands always tightening their grip, his thrusts, while growing less rhythmic, became harsher and faster, almost desperate, and it was always a treat to experience. You loved watching him lose himself to the pleasure, loved that it was you and your body that brought him there, loved how his grunts and moans transformed into higher pitched whimpers and whines. 

You bring your own fingers to your clit, wanting to let him enjoy and focus on his release since he already spent so much time on your pleasure. He leans forward, his chest pressed into your back, his hot breath hitting your ear, his whines and praises pouring directly into it.

“Fuck, sweetheart, feel so good, ‘m gonna- fuck, gonna fill you up,” he stammers out, and it sends a shiver down your spine, your stomach erupting in countless butterflies, driving you to speed up the motion of your fingers. 

You release again with a strangled cry, gushing around his length and on your fingers. Changbin follows closely behind, the feeling of you clenching and squeezing around him as you cum for the third time sending him over his peak. He releases in long, drawn out spurts, both of you breathless and exhausted when he collapses next to you.

You both know you should get cleaned up, but you’re both too tired to care, and he can always clean up his messes in the morning. For now, he just wants to stay close, here in front of the fire, with you. This very well could be your last night together, but he doesn’t want to believe it is. He wants to believe that the two of you can find a solution somehow, that after all the hardship, you’ll be smiling at him in the end.

There’s a part of you that doesn’t even want to fall asleep at all– you want to stay up all night, to not waste a single moment you have left, to stare and feel and love until the very last second, so that you’ll remember him clearly always. You do your best to not become teary eyed again, having promised yourself you wouldn’t spend your night with him wrapped up in your sorrow and dread.

But oh, how you wish there was more time, how you wish that your mother would understand you, that you could have just this one thing. But you suppose for a girl with immense responsibility, happiness is too much to ask for. You sacrifice your happiness so that others may have it instead– as noble an act as any, but you selfishly wish you could have both; the people’s happiness and your own. 

The idea of running away still leaves you torn, even after all this time. You don’t want to let anyone down.. but still, you have to ask yourself, is doing what’s right for your kingdom and future worth all this heartache? If it’s what is right, why does it make your heart feel as if it’s been shattered like glass? You’ve been told in life that the right thing to do is never the easiest, but you can’t imagine that in this case, walking away from either side is right. 

You want both. Is that truly so wrong? You want to be a ruler worthy of her name and title, and you want Changbin. Why must you choose one over the other? As far as you’re aware, even now, Changbin doesn’t know you’re the princess.

He’ll likely find out soon– every knight in the town will be floundering to find you come morning, once they realize you’re gone. You should slip away before then, lest your lover be met with undue scrutiny and unfair treatment from your mother and other nobles if you're found here. 

But looking at him now, even still.. you don’t want to leave. You’ll never want to leave. “Sweetheart,” Changbin calls softly, his hand reaching up to leave comforting, lingering touches to your head. “I can tell what you’re thinkin’. But don’t be sad yet, not ‘til we’ve said goodbye.”

You blink away the accumulating tears with a nod, swallowing down the lump in your throat the best you can and burying your face into Changbin’s welcoming body. You’re so, so tired, and you know he is too, but he’s trying his best for you. And he’s being the strong one despite how much his heart aches with yours.

He rubs your head, kisses your temple, tells you he loves you. Your heart breaks and mends all at once; how bittersweet this moment is.. If you’re lucky, you'll have about 7 hours until anyone realizes you’re gone. Maybe you can sleep for just a few, just enough to get some of this ache out of your body, and then you can spend the rest with Changbin. 

You’ll cry, you know, as soon as you depart back home. You’ll cry when the hole in the castle’s defenses is completely sealed. You’ll cry when you look to the fields his home sits on from the bedroom window. Still.. you do your best to uphold your promise to yourself, and now to Changbin.

You won’t cry, and you won’t be upset– not yet, anyways. Not until you’ve actually parted ways. For now, you’ll continue to lie in his arms, continue to express your love for him, continue to smile and laugh as if this isn’t the end, until morning comes and reminds you painfully that it is. 

How beautiful it was to love Seo Changbin, to learn and to grow and to really live with his help, patience, and care. How fondly you’ll miss him in every moment, how lovingly you’ll always hold his memory. Brief though your love together is, much shorter than it should have been, it has changed you for the better, and you’ll never regret it, even should your heart ache.

And maybe Changbin is right; maybe there is room for hope, and maybe you’ll see each other again much sooner than you allow yourself to think. But no matter what lies before you, there is one thing for certain; Changbin is and always be will your first love, forever be etched in your heart– your lover, your deepest connection, your closest confidant. And how grateful you are to have known him.

[thedragonagebigbang]

Bang Creator Interview: Tumblr: @oxygenforthewicked  |  AO3: Oxygenforthewicked

The Collaboration period has begun! In these quiet months before works are due, we want to foster a sense of excitement, camaraderie, and celebration among our participants. To that end, all participants were given the option of a formal interview by our mod, Dema, or an informal “ask-game” survey. We hope you enjoy getting to know our phenomenal creators as much as we have!

10 Reasons Why Rift Hopping Is Probably Hazardous to Your Health (Hint: Cassandra Is One of Them)

Gin and Dema talk process, inspiration, and what to do when a character kicks down your door

Dema: Since this is a Big Bang I'll start there: have you done one before? If you have, what made you want to do it again? If not: what made you wanna give it a go? 

Gin: I've considered being a part of a Big Bang event before but I haven't actually done one yet. However, after seeing all of the fics and artwork that came out of other bangs last year, I got a better feel for it and decided I wanted to give it a try!

Dema: So exciting! Are you finding that this process feels different from how you usually write?

Gin: Not really, honestly. I've done NaNoWriMo in the past, and this feels similar in terms of working towards a set goal. I think the big difference (and better difference, honestly) is that this is much more community-centered, and the goal is to finish the project instead of just reaching a word count minimum. That in and of itself is a really refreshing new challenge.

Dema: When you tackle a project like this, what does that look like for you?

Gin: Usually I like to prepare a concept/vague outline first, write out in more detail the major plot points, create a mood playlist, and just start writing! I do tend to carve out time for writing, too, as that helps me focus better.

Dema: How much time do you feel like you need in a chunk? (Me, interviewing: “So, writing. How Do You Do It. AND WHY??)

Gin: It depends. Sometimes I can write for several consecutive hours, other times my brain can only handle about thirty minutes. Either way, I know that as long as I get words on the page, I'm making progress! But creativity isn't something that can be forced, so if the words just aren't coming out, I'll take a break for a while and refresh my brain by reading a book or watching something. Once my creative battery is full again, I can knock out a huge chunk of the project, and that usually feels so much better than trying to strongarm my brain into getting words out.

Dema: Is there something you are reading or watching right now that is providing particular inspiration? Or if not inspiration, rejuvenation?

Gin: Yes, actually! I'm currently reading A Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss, and it's been giving me all sorts of good inspiration.

Dema: Oh yes! I love that book. Is there anything in particular about it that's scratching the itch?

Gin: The lore and worldbuilding are both so interesting, but I'm also just very invested in the characters. This series so far has done a great job of creating a rich world with fleshed-out characters, an intricate magic system, and I love the complexity of the relationships. (In short, all of it!) 

Dema: Hard agree, I love those complicated characters and dynamics. Speaking of characters, when you're crafting an OC, what's your starting point? What was the spark that birthed Saeris, if you want to be more specific?

Gin: Most of the time, it's a picture or a song that sparks the initial concept. But there are other times when OCs kick down the door in my head and decide that they live there rent-free. Saeris was one of those characters. Admittedly, I did intend on creating Saeris for a specific project after reading The Horror of Hormak, but he was supposed to be a minor character that I was going to write once and never write again after that. (Boy was I wrong.) But what really sparked the inspiration for him was a photo I found while looking up references for gray eyes. The vibe of that photo just seemed like it fit him so well that his entire character quickly started unfolding bit by bit after that. I chose a name for him, a class, and all of it snowballed until he became my most fleshed-out character (and my favorite).

Dema: How long ago was that?

Gin: April 2022

Dema: Awwww! He’s two! 

Gin: LOL! It was when the event I was writing him for took place. 

Dema: I will not ask you if your Bang fic involves Saeris because I do not want to pry any spoilers from you, but thank you for your click-bait title and for your interview! Gin: Sounds good! And thank you!! It was very fun chatting.

[isfjmel-phleg]

Constellation of Six [Revised]

The December Josiah turned seven, his brother Mikaiah was born, his mother died, and a new companion named Tamett came to live in the royal household. But let’s flash back to late summer before all that, when the family dynamic was rather different, when six-and-a-half-year-old Josiah had other concerns on his mind…

The intended point of this story was to offer insight into why Josiah is the way he is. This isn't his complete origin story, but a glimpse into what he has since lost. We see his relationship with his family (especially with his beloved mother), how Nyella and Odren parented him, the beginnings of traits that would become more ingrained as he gets older, the source of habits of behavior and thought still present later. The relationships among the rest of the family are also important and should explain the dynamics we see in Books 2 and 3.

I've made some modifications from the previous version. These include:

using "Josiah" instead of "Josia" for clarity and consistency (I didn't want to use Liennese spellings for every name--Ayra would be spelled "Era," for instance)

adjustments to wording

expanded passages of dialogue

clearer indications that Nyella is already pregnant with Mikaiah

additional passages of Josiah's inner monologue

So here's the revision! How does (or doesn't) it work for you? How can I make it better?

Josiah hazarded one foot out of bed, certain the very furniture could hear the floor as it creaked beneath him. By daylight, the chairs, cupboards, and tables of his nursery were a solid, comforting presence, but now, utter darkness had transformed them into vague shapes impossible to rely on. Josiah hated nighttime. Nothing stayed the same. Never had he been more betrayed by his world than tonight.

Which was why he needed to be his very bravest and venture out into the corridor. He wiped his face with his sleeve, set his jaw, and stumbled across the room, trying his best to tiptoe. The crunch of the carpet with each step made him shudder. At last he found the doorknob—or rather, it found his face—and slipped out.

He had never been in the corridor by himself in the dark before, and he expected further unknown terrors. But a few dimmed lights shone high on the walls, reminding him why he needed to continue. If anyone caught him, he might get sent back to bed—and he couldn’t sleep in that nursery without a light, he just couldn’t! 

So he ran—ran as he never had before, as if he had never been forbidden to run indoors, as if all the creatures of the night were at his back. Perhaps they were. He dared not look over his shoulder.

Nor did he slow down once he reached the stairs. He remembered to safely hold the rail, but he went bumping dangerously down each step until he burst out downstairs. 

He didn’t need to count the doors. Even in his sleep his feet would have remembered the exact one he needed. It was open a crack, as if he were expected, and he let himself in. The empty room at first sent the beginnings of a sob through him, until he saw the open door to the balcony.

There sat Mama, her eye to one of her long telescopes in its three-legged stand and her hand rapidly writing or sketching something. Josiah flung himself at her, buried his face in the soft white ruffles of her loose gown, and broke down immediately.

At once, her arms were around him. “Yozi? What’s wrong? What are you doing up?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he choked out. “My nightlight isn’t lighted.”

“Did it go out?”

“Ayra didn’t light it!” he announced with smug dissatisfaction. “She left me alone in the dark.”

“And where is she now?”

“I don’t know. She and Ateva wouldn’t let me go with them.”

“So you came here all by yourself to find me? That’s my brave boy.” She kissed his forehead. One last sob shuddered out. “Oh, no need for that. You’re here now. I think you’ll live, don’t you?”

He sniffed and nodded solemnly.

“I’ll speak to Ayra later,” she added in a very different voice. “But there’s no point in being awake and not enjoying it. Come and look with me. Let’s see some stars. Up with you. I think you can still fit.”

Josiah nestled unsteadily onto her knees. There had been less and less room for him lately in her lap, and it wasn’t the most comfortable seat, but he had no intention of budging. The dark couldn’t get him when she was there. 

“See,” said Mama, “the dark’s really nothing to be afraid of. Not when there’s a sky full of stars. You’re never alone beneath them. They make the night beautiful.” 

He had never thought of it that way before, but she was right. The summer evening warmed him through till he couldn’t tremble if he had wanted to, and the friendly lights in the sky warded off the darkness. A final trickle—the last trace of his cry—dripped from his nose. He swept it away with the back of his hand.

“Now,” said Mama, “what would you like to look at first?”

“I want to see the brothers!” he said.

“Who? Oh, the twins! I don’t think they’re out this time of year. But there are other constellations out. Do you want to see a dragon instead?”

“Dragons aren’t real.”

“No, but this is one from a story. He’s right next to a warrior who’s going to fight him.”

That sounded like a very silly story. Josiah knew all about real battles from the books in Papa’s library, and they were nothing like that. “I want to see what you’re looking at.”

She put the telescope to his eye, and he squinted at the array of twinkling lights. They seemed to be sprinkled through the sky at random. Important stars that people gazed at made pictures. He tried to imagine the lines that might connect these stars into something sensible, but all he could see was clustered meaningless dots, like an ink splatter that earned one a scolding.

“I can’t see it! There’s nothing there!” he cried. “I’m looking at the wrong ones.”

“Do you see the stars? Then you’re in the right place. That’s exactly what I’m looking at. These don’t form any particular constellation. But they’re very bright, so I’m thinking about exactly what kinds of stars they are.”

And she told him about how not all stars were the same, how they came in many colors, how some were hotter and some colder and some farther away, and how there were ladies (“and some gentlemen too,” she added) at the university right now who were thinking up new ways to put the different stars in order.

“Like your books, Yozi. You like to line them up a certain way—by title, right? But someone else, like Ateva, might arrange books by color, or size.”

“The wrong way,” he said.

“Not wrong, but different. All the astronomers have different ideas about types of stars, so they talk about it and try to figure out the best way to do it.”

“Who’s winning?”

Mama laughed. “Everyone. They’ll probably use a little bit of all sorts of ideas.”

“I want to be the one to find the right way.”

“And perhaps you will someday. They can call it...the Yozi system.”

He glared at her reproachfully. “No, it’s the Prince Josiah system. Because it’s important.”

“Oh, of course, pardon me.”

“But,” he conceded, “the Prince Josiah and Mama system would be all right too.”

“After me? I’m honored.”

He returned to the eyepiece. “There are...six stars,” he announced, holding up fingers to reinforce the point. He might as well embark on his grand career at once, for Papa always said that one couldn’t begin achieving excellence too soon. 

“There are. And do you want to make up a constellation out of them?”

“Can we?”

“Of course! That’s how all constellations start.”

“But you can’t make them up. They come with the sky.”

“Perhaps this one hasn’t been discovered yet. And we’ll be the very first ones.” As he bounced with excitement, she shifted him forward a little, away from her front. “What are you going to call it?”

“Six People.”

“That sounds very...factual.”

“The dots are their heads. You can’t see the rest of them because they’re wearing black.”

“Why are they wearing black? Are they in mourning?”

“No. They just like it.”

“I see. And who are the people? Constellations need proper names.”

He counted them off. “Josiah, Mama, Papa, Ateva, Ayra, and my brother.”

She hesitated before saying brightly, “Your...imaginary brother?”

“No. The one I’m going to get.”

“Really?” She readjusted the folds of her gown. “What makes you think that?”

“I want one.” That was usually enough reason, wasn’t it?

“What if it were a sister?”

He wrinkled his nose. “No, we already have too many of those. I want someone to play with me.”

“I see. Well, let’s talk to Papa about it.”

“Talk to me about what?” The other door off the balcony opened, and Papa emerged from his private study in his shirtsleeves, wearing his spectacles and clutching a bundle of papers. His tie was missing. “Josiah,” he said, “what are you doing up? You need your rest, and you shouldn’t bother your mother.”

Josiah shrank back. “I didn’t mean to bother her.”

He started to slide off her knees, but Mama held him back. “He wanted to stargaze with me tonight. He’s like me, can’t sleep when the heavens are so beautiful.”

The conversation, once Papa bent to kiss her and murmur something in her ear, ceased to interest Josiah. Finally Papa patted his shoulder and said, “Don’t stay out too late then,” and Josiah knew he could stay as long as he liked.

“This young man,” said Mama, “would like a brother.” She paused, as if she had just made a joke. Josiah didn’t know why. There was nothing funny about his urgent need.

“Well, if our clever little plan works out…” said Papa, bending down to put a long arm around her waist and whisper in her ear again. Mama turned pink and smiled.

“I was thinking that we might try finding him a friend. Someone his age to keep him company. He’ll be starting with the new tutors soon, and there’ll be no one else in the schoolroom. Perhaps not for several years,” she added quickly, glancing down at the studiously listening Josiah.

“We can’t bring in just anyone, though. There are so few who would make a suitable companion for the Hope of Lienne. Did you have anyone in mind?”

“Not off the top of my head, but I hardly know anyone’s children here.”

“I do,” said Papa grimly. “And I envy you. We can’t afford to let in any bad influences, especially at this stage. I’m sorry, Josiah, but you do perfectly well on your own, don’t you? You don’t need anyone to do lessons with. No one would be able to keep up with you anyway.”

Josiah put out his lip. “I want a brother,” he said in a dangerously petulant tone, prepared to explain more emphatically if they still didn’t understand.

“Prince Josiah,” began Papa sternly, but instead of scolding, he checked his pocket watch and turned back toward his study, saying, “Nyella, would you talk sense to him?”

“Odren? Where are you going?” said Mama.

He held up his papers. “Business, darling. You’ll have to excuse me.”

“Oh, that can wait. You’ve been at it all night. You’ve earned a rest. Shall we ring for chocolate and make a regular gazing party of it? We can talk about this another day.” She laid a long-fingered, soothing hand on Josiah’s and squeezed it, as if wringing out his temper. He remembered to take a slow breath and blow the last of it away. There was no need to be angry. Mama understood, and she would see to it that he got what he wanted.

“Tempting, darling, but—” Papa hesitated. “Wait for me?”

“You have exactly...” She fished out her watch brooch from among the ruffles. “Forty-three minutes before the invitation expires.”

Papa’s eyes glinted at the challenge. “Thirty-five at least, see if I don’t.”

“Do it in thirty and I’ll…” She stopped herself. “Well...you’ll be glad you did.”

Once he had dashed away, Mama rang for the chocolate and some biscuits. “No sense in making you wait for it, Yozi,” she said. “I get cross when I haven’t had my chocolate either. Oh,” she said to her maid, “if you see the princesses, send them in please. I want to speak to them.”

Ayra came shuffling in shortly afterward, hands in her pockets, with Ateva in her wake, forehead furrowed, babbling a flow of garbled apologies. Mama nudged Josiah off her knees and pushed herself up slowly by the arms of her chair to look down at the girls from her full height. She was only a few inches shorter than Papa (who went on for miles), and next to her Josiah’s elder sisters looked as insignificant as they really were.

“I understand,” said Mama in her sweetest tones, “that you thought it was a fine idea to leave your little brother alone in a dark room. Would you care to tell me more about this, ladies?”

“I’m so sorry!” cried Ateva. “We didn’t mean to, only we were in such a hurry and your brothers were waiting and I really didn’t want to leave him like that but—”

“I have no doubt it wasn’t your idea, Ateva, but then,” said Mama, crossing her arms, “you were not the one asked to see that he was put to bed.” She turned to Ayra.

Ayra met her gaze sullenly. “I wasn’t the one engaged as his nursemaid either.”

“I’m sorry that one task was too much to ask on a night when his nurse is off and I had an important meeting.” 

“Must have been rather a short important meeting. If you have time for this.” Ayra raised her eyebrows at the telescope.

“What I do with my own leisure time is none of your business, young lady. And I was unaware that your timetable was so full.”

“It was, in fact. Full of entertaining your brothers. But I did put him to bed, no thanks to them, so I don’t see what the problem is.”

“You neglected his nightlight. And goodness knows what else.”

“I forgot. It was an honest mistake. And if he needs it so badly, he can light it himself.”

“I’m not allowed to play with fire,” said Josiah virtuously.

“You’re also not allowed to stay up past your bedtime fooling around with your uncles.”

He was almost certain Ayra had made up that rule. Only Mama and Papa could tell him what to do, so he needn’t listen to her.

“Your brother,” said Mama, “is six years old. You were the one given a responsibility. He needs your help, and you left him alone in the dark to cry. I hope that’s not how you plan to treat your own children someday.”

Ateva gave Ayra a pointed look, but Ayra said nothing. 

“Show her the watch,” said Ateva. “Show her.”

Ayra fished a reluctant hand out of her pocket and uncurled her scratched fingers to reveal a mound of pocket watch insides and shards of glass amid the wreckage of their former home.

Once when Josiah had been taken for a walk in the royal park, he had nearly stepped on a bird that some cat had left in the path, with all its feathers and bits strewn about. He couldn’t look at it without feeling sick, and the sensation returned at the sight of the once-beautiful watch. Its polished gold was engraved with delicate curling designs on both sides around an ornate O and an inscription inside that Josiah hadn’t been able to read since it was in Faysmondian. Besides, the watch hadn’t been in his hand long enough.

“Josiah broke it,” said Ateva. “He took it from Ayra when she told him to go to bed and then he dropped it on the floor. And I’m sure he probably didn’t mean to, but—it’s awfully important, it was Mama’s, and he didn’t even say he was sorry and it’s just not fair to Ayra. She wasn’t going to mention it but I thought you should know.”

Mama surveyed the damage. “Did you break it, Yozi?”

Technically, the floor had broken it. He had barely touched it. He had never expected a drop to the marble floor would so thoroughly destroy the watch. Although Mama would likely understand, Papa might not when he heard, and it might distract him from Ayra’s crimes, which were far worse and required swift justice.

So Josiah widened his eyes in shock and said, “No!”

Ateva gasped. 

Ayra clenched the ruined watch back into her fist. “Well, someone broke it, and I know I didn’t.”

“How could you?” said Ateva. “I saw it happen. Ayra’s telling the truth, Your Majesty. You have to believe her!”

Josiah pitied her. A twelve-year-old should be embarrassed to make such a dramatic spectacle of herself. He knew better, and he was only six and a half.

“Ateva,” said Mama, “I can’t blame you for trying to defend your sister. But honestly, Ayra, at your age this is ridiculous. A pity about your watch, and we can see about having it repaired, but must you blame Josiah? Surely you have more pressing concerns than making my little boy miserable?”

“You’re doing what?” thundered Papa’s voice. At the commotion, he had burst out of his study to investigate.

Ayra and Ateva, raising pleading eyes to him, both tried at once to present their side, but as Mama stepped in to explain that Ayra hadn’t been fulfilling her responsibilities, their faces fell in obvious guilt.

“Come to my study,” Papa said in a terrible voice. They trudged behind him through the door. Ateva’s hair ribbon draggled over her slumped shoulders, but Ayra’s narrow frame had stiffened to resemble a walking clothes rack. The study swallowed them up with a slam of the door.

Mama patted Josiah’s shoulder. “Your father will take care of them, don’t worry. I know you wouldn’t lie to me. Now, where were we?”

His face burned and his stomach knotted as he returned to her knees. He had lied to Mama. But if he admitted it, she wouldn’t think he was a good boy anymore. Josiah was good. He had to be. He had a perfectly good reason to lie.

And with his eye to the telescope again, the beauties of the heavens flooding his vision, and Mama’s voice surrounding him like an embrace as she told him stars’ names and how far away they lived, he soon forgot any discomfort. He nearly forgot his sisters, except when the muffled rumbles of voices drifted from the closed study. 

Once the chocolate and biscuits arrived, his attention was entirely diverted. The golden-brown biscuits were stacked double, cut in star shapes in the middle to reveal gobs of raspberry jam within. They crumbled in the mouth, smooth and buttery, answered by the tart, squashy sweetness of the berries. Through increasingly sticky fingers, he demolished three biscuits and washed them down with the chocolate. Despite the warm evening, the heat running down his throat with a stripe of cool cream refreshed him.

He paused mid-sip, surprised, when Papa brought out the girls and lined them up in front of Mama.

“What do you say?” he growled.

“I’m sorry, Mother,” recited the girls. Ateva ducked her head, but Josiah didn’t miss her red nose and eyes. Ayra’s face had gone blank, and her mouth buttoned shut as soon as the words were out.

And of course Mama graciously forgave them and favored them with a smile as she sent them back to their room without offering them any biscuits and chocolate. The girls exited as they were told, though Ateva glanced over her shoulder at the partially filled tray. Josiah consumed another biscuit with satisfaction, for, as a good child who didn’t need a scolding, he had earned it.

“Do you see what I mean, Odren?” said Mama.

“I’m sorry, love. If they ever give you any nonsense again, send them straight to me.”

“Oh, I would anyway, but I think a certain someone really could use some company his own age.”

Josiah surfaced from the chocolate glass to remind them. “What I want is a brother. Not a stranger.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” said Papa. “I’ll start investigating tomorrow. Doesn’t Böllingfurt have a son about the right age?”

“Three years older, I believe Erna said.”

Papa shook his head. “No more than a year older, if at all. I’ll ask around.” But his unfinished business demanded attention, leaving Josiah and Mama once more together at the telescope.

“Yozi,” she said, “if you were to have a brother, or a sister—if—I can’t promise anything, he or she would be a baby. It would be a long time before that baby would be old enough to play with. And by then— Well, you might be away at school. And he—or she—would be at home.”

“I don’t want to go away to school.”

“Your father wants you to, but not till you’re much older. You’ll want to go by then. And of course you and your brother would love each other and be good friends, but...it wouldn’t be quite like what you’re expecting.”

Josiah struggled to wrap his mind around this. As far as he could tell, the whole situation was the result of gross negligence. “I should have been a twin, Mama. Or we should have had a brother much sooner.” He took a long sip of his chocolate and eyed her over the rim of the glass.

“There wasn’t anything I could do about that, even at—oh, Yozi!” Her serious tone turned into laughter. “Look at you!”

“What did I do?” She shouldn’t laugh; he had raised a perfectly reasonable point.

“Cream on your nose! That’s not where it goes, silly!”

Josiah permitted himself a slight giggle while she wiped it off with her handkerchief.

“Trying to have a moustache like Papa too, I see,” she said. That got a real laugh out of him. “See? That’s something you could do with a friend that you couldn’t with a baby: sharing chocolate. And you could play together and do lessons and practice your music and have adventures together. You can’t do that with a stranger. But you can with a friend—more than that, a—a companion. Wouldn’t you like a companion?”

He nibbled another biscuit and thought it over. “I might.”

“I know it would be new, and new things often frighten you. They’re strange; you don’t know anything about them or what to do. But sometimes new things are much better than you expect. We gazed at stars tonight that are new to us, didn’t we? And our household is like that. We discover new members, and they make everything more beautiful. So you’re going to be brave and try it, won’t you? You’ll be kind to your companion and use your best manners and make him feel at home?”

He nodded hesitantly.

“That’s my good boy.” She kissed the top of his head and offered him the last biscuit.

“Perhaps,” he said, committing to a mouthful before he could admit to himself that he didn’t really want a sixth biscuit, “he would like to see the brothers constellation with us when it comes back later.”

“I promise you, Yozi,” said Mama, “we’ll do exactly that in December. It can be a birthday treat.”

“And you won’t forget?”

“I won’t if you won’t.”

“I won’t. Never ever ever.”

Once he filed away the promise and locked it in his brain for future reference, he couldn’t lose it. December was such a long time to wait, months and months, but he could count on the stars to plod their way through the heavens on time, and Mama to keep her promise, and perhaps even his new companion to stay by his side and listen reverently as Josiah related his astronomical discoveries.

Perhaps he didn’t really want a brother after all.

[daybreakrising]

VAUTRIN INTERACTIONS WISHLIST

bc my funky lil oceanid man needs people to talk to-

just want to clarify, these suggestions are intended as NON-ROMANTIC DYNAMICS - that's not to say i wouldn't be open to developing some of them in that direction if they vibe, but i'd like to establish any dynamics in general first!

most of these will be in his current timeline verse for obvious reasons, but any characters who would have been alive 400+ years ago are also welcome to interact in his canon past verse!

i am sticking mainly to characters that would make sense for him to interact with (this list will almost entirely be characters from f.ontaine) but i'm always open to others if you have ideas, so if a character isn't on here it doesn't mean i'm not interested - the only exception to this rule is n.euvillette, as i already have three incredible neuvis to write with and i want to focus on those developing dynamics and give them the time and unique attention they deserve.

THE LIST

w.riothesley vautrin feels a sense of duty towards the fortress, but he also has a great respect for the man who currently runs it. it's my hc that vautrin first "awakens" again within the fortress & therefore, interacts with wrio and s.igewinne before anyone else (this can be tweaked if necessary). i also like to think vautrin would offer his services to the fortress and/or request to continue serving the sentence that was cut short by his "death".

melusines - all of them, any of them vautrin will adopt all of them as his family.

c.hevreuse former captain & current captain. again, i like to think vautrin would offer any help he can provide to the team he used to be a part of. also.... i just think they'd get along well.

the HotH siblings listen, i just think they'd vibe. l.yney in particular with his dedication to his family and the fact he'd do anything, even put his life at risk, to protect them.

a.rlecchino OR any harbinger this could just be an interesting dynamic, and i've always thought the f.atui might be interested in a being who returned from the dead for ??? unknown reasons, and also has weird, lingering powers from the primordial sea. especially if they could convince him to help them........

n.avia the man needs a purpose in this new life, and he likes to help people who stand for justice and/or protecting those who are less able to protect themselves, so i feel like he'd vibe with n.avia and the s.pina di r.osula. also i feel like she'd be very good at helping him find himself again.

f.urina vautrin's parents were professional performers & he was a dancer as a child. he needs to rediscover his love for music and dance - and the stage - and who better than f.urina to do that??

a.rchons or other ancient and/or inhuman beings this is a very general, vague suggestion - vautrin needs friends who understand what it's like to be Other, to not be human, to live out of time and to face the prospect of immortality/long-life. he needs people who can help him understand what he is, why he came back, or at least help him look for those answers.

again, characters from other regions are more than welcome if there's an Idea there, and i do hc that vautrin does travel around t.eyvat at some point to see the world as it is now, so it's not impossible for him to cross paths with anyone!

and just as a quick additional note regarding potential ships:

vautrin is Complicated when it comes to shipping, as he is a very closed-off person by default, and he's now struggling with being alive again and being Not Quite Human Anymore so.... it's a lot to deal with. that being said, shipping is never a no. just please bear in mind that:

vautrin identifies as bi, but has a HEAVY preference for male-presenting partners.

he is exclusive with @wwriothesley's wrio. any dynamics with other wrios will be non-romantic only.

[unexpectedreylo]

The Reylo Heresies #1

Heresy:  Reylo wasn’t planned as a ship.

It’s an assumption among Reylos that the romantic relationship was entirely planned from the beginning and it was absolutely Lucasfilm’s intention they would end up the one true pairing of the sequel trilogy.

I’m here to tell you I don’t think that’s true at all.  Most of what we got was basically an accident, a confluence of factors that added up to something nobody really planned or expected.

What happened was the Jedi Killer--a character from early drafts/outlines that ultimately became Kylo Ren--was meant to be something of an antagonist for the female protagonist who became Rey.  Given that both were gifted in the Force there would naturally be some kind of connection between them, some push-pull, some light side/dark side tension.  Those elements made it in the films.  The oft-posted/retweeted concept art from The Art of TFA shows the Jedi Killer in a Phantom of the Opera type from behind embrace of the female protagonist.  (Weirdly and fortuitously enough it was modeled from a photo shoot featuring Adam Driver some time before he was actually cast.)  This is often used as evidence Reylo was “planned” from the beginning.  Aside from this artwork though there’s nothing suggested in Lucas’s outlines or known earlier drafts of the TFA script that Rey and Kylo Ren were being set up in the same sense Anakin and Padmé or Han and Leia were.  In fact my initial impression after seeing TFA was that Rey and Kylo were cousins!

Any discussion about romance by JJ Abrams or others involved with the TFA when the film came out was very cagey and not very specific.  In fact if anything, TFA flirts but doesn’t get to first base with anybody:  not Kylo and Rey, not Rey and Finn, and not Finn and Poe.  All Abrams did was establish a kind of connection between the dynamic duo but he didn’t realize that if you have a young attractive man and a young attractive woman looking at each other intensely a lot or if you have her faint in his strong arms then he carries her away, people are going to think there’s something going on.  Lightsabers?  That’s just foreplay!

I don’t think Adam or Daisy intentionally played up any sexual tension in their scenes together to give us an impression about something in TFA.  I think it just happened.  Early bird Reylos picked up on it.  Some critics, including the one who wrote the TFA review for Time magazine, picked up on it.  And perhaps, just maybe, Rian Johnson picked up on it too.

I think Abrams was shooting for some vague Force siblings, good twin/evil twin kind of thing.  Johnson IMO saw a thread of something else as a result of the way Daisy and Adam played off each other and didn’t want to just repeat the Luke and Leia thing.  So in TLJ he pushed the relationship more into the romantic territory and let the sexual tension between Rey and Kylo go nuts.  There’s a reason why the number of Reylos exploded after that movie came out, me included.  Johnson pulled every visual trick in the book to make you think there’s more going on than just the Force.  It’s really similar to the arc between Ana de Armas and Chris Evans in “Knives Out” but way more intense.  You could cut the sexual tension with a knife and serve it with tea.  It was also absolutely the best thing about TLJ and the sequels in general.  

Johnson left Rey and Kylo back in their enemies corners at the end of TLJ but the Reylo beast was on the loose and there was no putting it back in the cage.  I’m sure Lucasfilm, Chris Terrio, and JJ Abrams were pulling their hair out because they had no idea how to resolve something they didn’t intend in the first place.  Johnson had been given free reign and I’m sure that will never happen again with any Star Wars feature film.  If one is ever made.

My best piece of evidence that Reylo wasn’t really planned was its near total absence in Colin Trevorrow’s Duel of the Fates screenplay.  In fact, Colin T. forced Johnson to stick in that “Hi, I’m Poe” scene at the end of TLJ to justify a kissing scene with Rey and Poe in his script.  DOTF features Rey and Kylo fighting like Itchy and Scratchy until he’s dying and decides to be nice and tell Rey she was named after a beach in San Diego.  (Solana, in case you’re wondering.)  If Reylo had been planned there would’ve been a lot more than that.

Ultimately JJerio had to acknowledge Reylo even if there was no intent whatsoever to give Rey and Ben a HEA, so we got (let’s be honest) way better scenes between them in TROS than in DOTF.  There wasn’t even a dyad concept in DOTF.  And no kiss.

To summarize, we got Reylo largely from Rian Johnson as well as the chemistry between Daisy and Adam.  Nobody could’ve planned that from the beginning.

[experthiese]

WHAT MADE YOU PICK UP THE CURRENT MUSE/S YOU HAVE?

Much like how I started writing my others: I was talking with some friends on discord, expressed an interest in possibly-maybe-perhaps writing him, and was encouraged to do so. That aside, I've been a fan of Lupin III for years, and find Lupin himself to be a fascinating character. It helps that there's a lot of backlog to draw from, each part and movie with its own spin on his Core Characteristics, and as it's constantly retconning and contradicting itself, there's no pressure to be "canon compliant" and up to date on every tiny bit of lore ever introduced.

Do you follow TWCFM? Do you follow Lupin Zero? Do you gloss over it like the main parts do? Do you have your own, headcanon-based idea of how the group all came together?

There's a lot of freedom there. I like that :)

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DON'T LIKE TO WRITE?

I struggle with one-liners, at least if we actually intend on continuing the interaction. My replies only tend to grow over time, and I need at least a couple sentences to get all of my dialogue out (Lupin likes to yap).

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU REALLY ENJOY WRITING?

Developing relationships is sooooooo fun. Literally nothing like it.

I love love LOVE working with my partners to decide how we're going to take our barbie dolls from their initial vibe to whatever dynamic we've got planned. Sometimes things go even further than we were expecting! Sometimes a whole new direction comes hurtling out of left field and we find a way to work with that. It works with everyone, too-- crossovers, canons, OCs, AUs, even duplicates.

HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH HEADCANONS?

Depends. The big ones are usually because I was rewatching something and found a Fun Little Detail I can expand on and flesh out. Things like the Lupin Empire, for example -- if his father was so clearly en route to building it, why is it absent from Lupin III's life? Outside of two Part 1 references, he's never even mentioned it, much less played any significant role in its development or function. Why is that?

I mean, realistically it's because Lupin Zero was made in 2022 and the show debuted in 1971, and they weren't planning a canon for 51 years into the future. Of course there's going to be inconsistencies.

But in-universe, from the perspective of Lupin III being an individual that exists within his setting... What could explain this? How can I take this inconsistency and use it to add some dimension and depth to his world?

That's usually how it happens, anyway. Other times I just get brain blasts, thoughts beamed into my head direct from god themselves, and I type them up in three sentences or less and press post.

DO YOU WRITE IN SILENCE OR PLAY MUSIC?

Music all the way! I have a Lupin playlist I listen to a lot of the time.

DO YOU PLAN YOUR REPLIES OR WING THEM?

I usually plan out Lupin's vague response, how he's feeling and what options he's likely to weigh up before actually deciding what direction to take my writing. Specific descriptions and things like dialogue are all improvised in the moment, and only really revisited if I'm not feeling the vibe or need to reshuffle the reply about.

Dialogue is always written first.

DO YOU ENJOY SHIPPING?

Yes, and having a muse like Lupin makes shipping pretty important. Sex and romance are a big part of his character and behaviours, and so it follows that ships are likely going to come as a result of that. He's quite the Casanova!

However, platonic shipping is also incredibly fun to explore. Rivals, enemies, "friends of the family", actual friends, coworkers, etc. etc. etc. are all things I'm happy to develop and write more of. I encourage people to come to me with dynamic ideas if they've got something specific in mind.

[bridgertonbabe]

Ahhh you don't know how much I fucking love your friends au !!!

Two thing first do you have any director cut from TOW the bump on the head?? Also I re-watching friends (much thanks to you) and I came to the episode of where Ross is super gloomy because its the day he and Carol slept together and it just really remind be on Benedict and Sophie. Ik its on New Year but I just like thought that all of his sibling are wanting to strangle him just because he saw bus sign and now he moping because he misses his lady in silver.

So for TOW The Bump On The Head I didn't originally intend to have Eloise and Edwina hooking up at the end, it was just something that I decided to incorporate as I wrote it out. From TOW The Bridgerton Family Dinner in the midst of Eloise opening her Pandora's box to Phillip it's been established that Eloise and Edwina had once been a thing, and while it was always going to be the case going into this recent story, I was just planning on treating their dynamic as friends who were once lovers and leaving it at that. But as I was writing the story I thought it'd be fun to have Kate telling them not to get it on while they were babysitting her son, and from that I thought it'd be funny to have Eloise lowkey trying to hit on Edwina in a "haha I'm joking btw, unless you're dtf?" type way. And while it's more plainly obvious that Eloise is up for a casual hook-up, very very very lowkey Edwina was also kind of hoping for a hook-up and when she walked into Kate and Anthony's kitchen and saw Eloise there she couldn't help but think the timing was perfect. Of course Edwina is going to act as if she's not interested just to enjoy making Eloise think she's got to work for it, but then she does genuinely get frustrated about the situation that unfolds while they're babysitting and when Eloise is back at hers she truly is riling her up - so while she hadn't planned to cut to the chase to initiate getting off with Eloise, she figured she'd be killing two birds with one stone by getting the hook-up that she wanted while also shutting Eloise the hell up.

And as for the storyline you mentioned of Benedict being mopey like Ross, that is definitely what happened. And he wasn't just moping on the two New Years that passed by before he met Sophie again; it was anything that even vaguely reminded him of her. Whenever the family went to Aubrey Hall Benedict would heave a melancholy sigh and say, "the Lady in Silver said she loved the countryside". Whenever there was a full moon he would sigh because it had been a full moon that New Years, or whenever fireworks went off he would sigh because of course there were fireworks going off on New Years. And even when the Bridgertons had Countdown playing on the TV Benedict would tear up at the familiar tune playing along with the show's countdown clock because he kissed the Lady in Silver after the countdown to midnight - at which point one of his siblings would pull the TV plug right out from the socket out of pure frustration for their brother's over the top self-pity. And just like in the very first season of Friends whenever Ross appears and greets the group with the weariest and beaten down "hi", I can imagine Benedict greeting his siblings in the same way for those two years without Sophie and it going something like this;

Benedict: Hi.

Colin: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

And so you can only imagine the family's collective relief when Anthony bursts back home and tells them all that not only is the Lady in Silver real (for a long while the majority of the siblings were starting to think perhaps she had just been a figment of his imagination) but that Benedict's found her and she just so happens to be living across the hall from the brothers. And while Sophie doesn't actually remember Benedict and the pair don't date for another year and a bit, at least the melodramatic moping comes to an end. (Yes, it is replaced by incessant pining but it's easier to deal with than the moping at the very least.)

[bugeyedfreaks]

Am a different anon but also not commenting on the shipping thing (they're more nostalgic ships than dedicated. I just know I shipped them because I like romance and puppy love.)

I wanted to comment on about the boys being "pure evil/bad" as I want to at least point out a flaw in that argument.

First:

The Powerpuff Girls are not pure good/innocent, and therefore cannot be perfect or the expectation of it.

Blossom has reasoned herself that stealing was okay if it was for people she loved.

Buttercup provoked and beat up villains to take their teeth for money.

Bubbles has challenged her aggression to be more extreme based on insecurities of being seen soft.

The girls have lied and hid facts or truths from others if it meant they benefitted.

These are negative traits that "pureness" cannot contain, making the girls lean toward good/Justice but still be flawed to always making the correct choices.

Second:

This if the girls are not purely good, then it should be fair to state the boys are not purely bad/evil. There can also be the argument that the RRB¹ (Mojo original) may be different from RRB² (HIM iteration). This would mean that RRB¹ have the potentially to be good (non-Hellish origins to corrupt) while RRB² may be generally Hellish due to HIM's influence of their resurrection.

I am not stating the boys in canon would become heros or true neutrals — but that depending if one argues RRB¹ or RRB², they will be flawed in their own moral code just like the girls. They could be persuaded to do good IF given an incentive to follow, just as their counterparts did for "bad" things.

However, in the truth of the general matter — the PPG Crew did not care to give depth or matter to the RRB. They are just vague opposites of the girls. They were not intended to be developed characters, simply "bad boys" with Brick being the speak, and Butch & Boomer are nearly identical in mannerisms. (Seriously, both have virtually no lines, and depending on the episode, both say something or behave in an obsurd/hyperactive way that is the same).

The comics present a more interesting dynamic of the boys as more rivals more than just "plotting villains".

This whole discussion came from me saying that I think there’s a reason why the girls have imperfections and how the boys’ situation isn’t the same, therefore the opposite situation would not be true.

[womburt]

Is it mumbo withdrawal request time? /j

A reader that is really scary and tough looking and that came from the DSMP, they don't care about relationships and haven't really been in one or had the time (they could be like...Doc's really good and longtime friend as well).

They join hermitcraft to run away from the DSMP and as Doc is showing them around, they meet and lock eyes with Mumbo and its basically a "love at first sight" moment. Mumbo is all nervous, both because the reader is scary and "omg they are so pretty 👉👈", but that makes the reader fall in love even more because "oh my god he's suck a dumbass dork"

After that meeting Doc starts teasing the reader and the reader starts acting like they don't know what he's talking about, basically acting like a tsundere LMAOOO

Fresh Start; C. Mumbo x Reader

Hi Anon! I decided to be sort of vague with Reader’s background for this request because I actually don't really consume DSMP media! (Except for @secretsandwriting amazing smau you can find here) That being said, I still love this dynamic, so I hope you enjoy regardless! 

Also! The beginning of this is a lil bit sadder than I initially intended! Be cautious dear readers <3

*Warning! This fic contains mentions of anxiety and traumatic past! Don’t read if this could upset you!

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Y/n lifted a hand to their forehead, blocking the rays of sun that threatened to blind them. They squinted when their limb was only partially successful, finally giving up entirely and just looking away from the sky. Straight ahead was a treeline made up of dark oak. Y/n spun around, taking in a full 360 degrees of the Hermitcraft server. 

Buildings were situated along a vast, dwindling river. Fields of wheat grew along the sides of a structure labeled “GigaPies.” There were giant trees - some with green canopies and one with pink - shading the walkways. A tall tower of diorite stood above all else. Each inch of the spawn area was beautifully decorated with an array of build styles and genres. 

Y/n wrinkled their nose, unused to seeing such harmony in a home. Their previous server had not been so peaceful. They turned away from the busy looking town, eyes settling instead on the portal from which they’d come. 

It was a temporary structure. One that would only exist for a few moments longer. Its purpose was to bring them from the vacuum between servers to Hermitcraft, and it had done its job. Still - Y/n wasn’t sure if they were satisfied with it. 

Y/n looked into its pixels contemplatively. They could just walk back through and none would be the wiser. Return to the space between servers, find somewhere more…solitary to exist while they built up the courage to be around people again. Surely Doc would forgive them if they explained it to him. They could picture the message they’d send him, cold and alone. 

“Sorry bud, my crippling anxiety got the best of me and I chickened out. Maybe next time!” 

Before they could step back through the passageway, it disappeared. Y/n watched as the portal closed, disappearing into nonexistence - their only escape: vanished. 

They sighed to themselves quietly, shoving their hands into their pockets and turning back toward the lively-looking village. It seemed they had no choice then. 

They began walking toward civilization with heavy feet, on the lookout of the structure Doc had told them to meet him at. 

‘The giant birch tree! You can’t miss it! I’ll be waiting at the base of it!’

He’d been right of course. There was no missing the gargantuan pale tree, which Y/n had later been informed was named ‘the Tree of Whimsy.’ They hiked toward it at a steady pace, keeping an eye out for any stray mobs or threats.

As they got closer, Y/n was soon able to make out a tall, green figure standing underneath. His back was to them, a white lab coat covering fur they knew all too well. Resisting the urge to sneak up and scare the only friend they had in this new server, Y/n called out to him. 

“Doc!”

He spun around in an instant, toothy grin hung over his lips and arms spread wide for a hug. Y/n’s heart dropped at the idea, having not experienced positive physical contact in a long time. They slowed their pace, readying themself for the first hug they’d had in ages. 

“Y/n, my friend!” I’m glad you made it!” Doc took the rest of the steps for them, wrapping his fuzzy arms around them without a second thought. He lifted them up, Y/n gasping when their feet came off the ground. Doc paid their exclamation no mind as he squeezed them, settling his chin on top of their head and sighing in content. 

Y/n stood incredibly still, heart hammering and body warming up to the embrace. It had been so long…

“I was worried you’d turn around and I’d have to come get you!” Doc admitted, voice rumbling with laughter. Y/n coughed a laugh back at him, choosing not to reveal what they’d been considering moments prior. After a minute, the creeper-hybrid let them go, setting Y/n back onto the ground with a thump. They caught their balance quickly, feeling terribly cold without the touch of their friend. 

“Right. Well, I’m here now,” Y/n stated, mustering up a smile the best they could. Doc, who’d always been able to see right through them, quirked an eyebrow, but didnt say anything about it. The both of them had long conversations over inter-server communicators. He was no stranger to the impact that Y/n’s previous server had on them, it was why he was so insistent they move onto Hermitcraft with him. 

“That you are!” He replied instead, deciding that they needed his positivity today, especially if they were going to ever feel comfortable here. 

“So? How about a tour?” Doc suggested, clearing his throat and holding an arm out to Y/n. They deadpanned at their tall friend, but accepted his offer anyway, interlocking their elbow with his. 

~

“...and this is False’s eagle! It flew her here, but now it just sort of sits on that tree stump!” Doc was explaining, gesturing wildly around to each of the structures at spawn. Y/n looked up at the creature in awe, impressed by just the sheer size of the thing. Hermits sure didn't mess around when it came to scaling their projects, they noted. 

They looked back to the river they'd been walking along, catching sight of three people down by the banks. Each was a varying height, though all seemed to be bent over in some shape or form, harmonious laughter floating from their trio all the way up to Y/n and Doc. 

The tallest wore a hard hat and orange suspenders. He was sitting on the grass, head tipped back as he chortled. The shortest had large, colorful wings, which were spread into the space behind him while he held his stomach and wheezed. But it was the third man who truly captured their attention. 

Y/n couldn’t recall the last time they’d seen such pure and unbridled sunshine in the shape of a man. 

He was doubled over, clutching his stomach with dirty hands, smearing redstone dust all over his nice, white shirt. His hair was unkempt, falling over his eyes as he wheezed. But most interesting to Y/ was his face. Cheekbones protruding as a side effect of his smile, the highpoints dusted red with blush, as was the tip of his large nose. The mustache that sat underneath was dark and ruffled, shadowing a large grin and pink lips. 

 They stared at him with large eyes and a heavily beating heart, finding themself frozen when his dark eyes opened back up and stared straight back at them. He was still beaming, though he was mostly still now. The blush he’d acquired from his fit of laughter was quickly expanding, reaching the tops of his ears turning the pale man into a tomato. 

“Y/n/? Y/n.”

They shook their head as a clawed, green hand waved in front of their face. Y/n blinked and broke eye contact with the mustached stranger, looking instead at Doc. 

“I’m here,” they replied absentmindedly, though judging by the smirk painted on Doc’s face, they weren’t fooling anyone. 

“Mhm. What do you think of Mumbo?” his tone was teasing, and Y/n quickly understood that they would never be hearing the end of this. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” they rolled their eyes and groaned, spinning away from their friend. Chancing a glance back at the mustached stranger - Mumbo - as they'd just come to learn, they noticed he’d yet to look away from them. His lips were slightly parted now, an expression of pure enrapturement painted across his beautiful face. They buzzed with excitement, finding themself looking to Doc again, if only to escape the pressure of eye contact with the beautiful stranger. 

“You’re basically drooling” Doc teased like a teenager, humming his observation and pointing at Mumbo unabashedly. 

Y/n’s eyes went wide at his gesture. They quickly grabbed at his arm, pulling it down so as to not draw attention to the man they’d quickly become infatuated with. It was no use of course - Mumbo hadn't looked away since they’d first met eyes. They could feel themself deflating with embarrassment. 

“We should go say hello.” Doc decided, interlocking their arms again and practically skipping toward the people gathered at the water's edge. 

Y/n heart felt like it was about to fall out of them. They were within the vicinity of the strangers in an instant, and Doc took no time at all to introduce them to the group. 

“Hermits! This is Y/n, my friend and our new neighbor!” He exclaimed, pushing Y/n in front of him in that friendly way that only Doc could. Y/n found themself face to face with Mumbo, his features even more endearing up close. They were near enough to see crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes, surely a result of a lifetime of laughter with wonderful friends. 

“Good to meet you Y/n!” someone greeted from their left side. Y/n looked toward the voice, seeing it was the short avian-man to speak up first. He was smiling brightly at them, though they couldn’t help but note a glint of mischief in his honey-brown eyes. 

“Yes, welcome new hermit!” another voice chimed in. To the bird-hybrid’s other side was a tall man wearing a hardhat. He too, wore a mischievous grin, one that gave Y/n the impression that he was somehow conspiring with his shorter counterpart.

It was silent for a moment before the shortest man elbowed Mumbo in the side, sending him forward enough to bump into Y/n. They shot their arms up to steady him, catching the pale  stranger by his shoulders. Letting go as quickly as they’d reached out, Y/n cleared their throat. 

“Say hello Mumbo,” the bird hybrid instructed, reveling in the way said man seemed to turn even redder. Y/n, judging by the exasperated look on Mumbo’s face, got the sense that poking fun at him was not a new occurrence. 

“Right! Sorry about that!” Mumbo began, pointedly ignoring the snickering from the friends behind him. He stood up straighter, adjusting his tie and wiping his hands on his pants. Y/n watched his every move, memorizing the way his slender fingers dusted along the fabric, infatuated with his charming awkwardness. 

“It’s good to see a new face! I’m Mumbo” He finally, officially, greeted, sticking out his hand for Y/n to shake. They took it tentatively, choosing not to admit that Doc had already told them his name. He was smiling so proudly at them, satisfied with the fact that he’d pulled himself together enough to introduce himself. 

“And these idiots are Grian and Scar,” He continued after a minute, remembering the snickering forms behind him. He gestured to each in turn. Y/n noticed him knock Grian with his shoulder, sending the smaller man flying into Scar with a thud. He didn't seem to take it too seriously, however. Smiling some sort of knowing-smirk at Mumbo. 

“Should we finish the rest of our tour?” Doc asked after a moment, poking Y/n in the ribs. They jumped in surprise, spinning around to look at Doc with an embarrassed glare. He wasn’t at all bothered by their expression - Y/n would wager a bet that he had been expecting it, in fact. 

“I’ll see you around,” Mumbo spoke up as Y/n began to walk away. They looked back over their shoulder to see him waving at them, cheeks wonderfully pink and his face soft. They waved back quickly, turning back to follow Doc back over to where they were, intent on finishing the tour without another embarrassing encounter. 

“So…” The creeper hybrid spoke up when they were out of earshot of the trio. Y/n watched him silently, waiting for Doc to spit out whatever he was thinking. 

“The mustache..you’re into that?”

He boomed a laugh when they smacked his arm, the sound of the whack reverberating through all of their surroundings. Y/n wondered briefly if the noise had made it back to the mustached-man in question. They hoped not. 

“Shut up!”

[risusnet]

Something there that wasn’t there before.

Jonathan Crane x Reader

Summary: [Y/N] is a psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum. Bruce Wayne is holding a charity gala to help raise some funds for the asylum and [Y/N] along with some colleagues are invited. Her friend and crush Jonathan Crane was one of her co-workers that was invited too and they both enjoy the evening together.

Prompt: “Be still my heart.” Word Count: 2,626

You worked as a psychiatrist in Arkham Asylum and you, along with some of your other co-workers, had been invited to a charity gala hosted by Bruce Wayne which intended to help raise money for the Asylum. You were wearing a beautiful dress that you had picked out a few days earlier and had just parked up in your car outside the gala hall, you sighed feeling nervous to go in. There were going to be so many people there, one of which was Dr. Jonathan Crane, your friend and co-worker who you had been low-key crushing on for the past few years, your heart jumped into your mouth just thinking about him being there.

“I bet he’s wearing something really nice- wait no- he’s just your friend, shut up!” you thought aloud.

You pulled yourself together and got out of your car, shyly walking to the door and trying to distract yourself from the photographers and reporters at the entrance who were also here about the gala. 

“Name, please.” said a frightening-looking bouncer,

“Dr. [Y/N] [L/N].” You told him,

“Ah, I see your name, you may enter.”

“Thanks..” you quickly entered the hall.

It was a beautiful venue, priceless golden chandeliers hung from the ceiling of the corridor with marble lining the floor that led to a foyer. For a corridor it was massive, it felt intimidating. You cautiously wandered onward, the corridor was fairly empty with only a few people littered here and there, some people on the phone, some couples making out and drunk people stumbling around aimlessly. You reached the entrance of the hall and looked around, there were so many rich and famous people here, it was easy to feel like you didn’t belong here. You saw some of your co-workers spanning the hall, there were some of them together in groups, sticking together but then you saw someone in the crowd that was not with the rest of your colleagues. It was Jonathan. It felt like time stopped when you saw him, he was wearing a really lovely suit and you felt your pulse quicken, you took a step backwards and bashfully looked at the ground,

“Be still my heart.” You muttered to yourself.

You braced yourself and walked on into the foyer, you decided to get something to drink to set your head straight. After sipping your drink, you looked up only to lock eyes with none other than Jonathan on the other side of the room. He smiled at you and smiled back, if you had still had the water in your mouth you probably would have spat it out in surprise. Luckily, you were able to hide your surprise pretty well. 

The moment was cut short when a man who seemingly worked for Bruce Wayne came onto the stage and told everyone that the ballroom was now open and people began to make their way in the direction of the ballroom. You put your drink down and followed the crowd, you could see Jonathan up ahead in the corner of your eye and you tried to ignore him for your own good, however, you were doing a terrible job at that.

Once you entered the ballroom, you were mesmerised by how enchanting it truly was in here. You took in every last corner of it and smiled in awe. Your eyes travelled back down again and you suddenly felt a little shy again, remembering Jonathan was here. You really had to get a hold of yourself and forget your feelings whilst you were here, you had to act professional!

A soft song was being played by the orchestra they had hired and many people had already coupled off and started dancing and talking in the ballroom, you found a place off to the side to stand and took in the environment. Jonathan walked over to you and stood next to you,

“[L/N], Hello.” He nodded in your direction,

“Crane, good to see you.” You responded.

“It’s rather, chaotic, in here, isn’t it?” He smiled,

“Yeah, it’s a bit overwhelming,” you laughed a little.

You looked in his direction slightly, he was still just as handsome as before, shit. You ended up catching Jonathan's gaze on accident, to which caused him to speak,

“Would you like to dance for a little?” He said, his tone slightly softer than previously. You paused, you wanted to, but felt shy, how typical.

“Are you sure?” you crossed your arms and looked at him,

“It might be fun, plus, we may as well get in a few of the photos from the event.” He joked,

“Alright, sure, let’s go.” You both walked into the main area of the room where people were dancing. Your mind felt like it was literally screaming at you, you weren’t sure if it was in an ‘Oh my god, this is so exciting’ way or a ‘No no no no no, abort abort, abort mission’ way. Anyway, you still seemed pretty composed and he took your hand, either way. You started to lazily dance along with everyone else, you felt completely in your element and yet completely out of it at the same time, a very strange feeling, maybe it was just the nervousness.

Funnily, photographs were taken of you both, you spied it just out of the corner of your eye and you’re pretty sure he noticed too. Dancing with Jonathan and now you have proof of it? There’s some bragging rights! 

“Wait- what if people get the wrong idea? I’m gonna be hassled by questions and rumours going back into work.” You thought in your head. 

“What if those ideas are good ideas?” a voice replied. Voices aren’t meant to reply to you in our head so that means that…

“Huh- Did I say that out loud-” you felt a little embarrassed, then you remembered what he responded with, “..Hey, wait a minute-”

“Don’t worry about it.” He cut you off with a grin. Is he going to ignore what he said? Great, now you are going to worry about it, or more specifically, you are not going to stop thinking about this. Maybe, ever.

“If you say so.” Your eyes held a mixture of uncertainty and curiosity, whilst he looked slightly smug. There was a vague air of flirtatiousness between the two of you as you continued dancing, you both spoke to each other in a manner that wasn’t flirting, but borderline was. However, it was usually like this when you spoke, you just had that kind of dynamic. You can’t blame yourself for catching feelings in an atmosphere like that, right?

You felt a lot more comfortable than earlier, you had probably just gotten used to his presence. He was always good company and the rest of the bustling gala just seemed to phase out. There had come a point in which you and Jonathan had stopped speaking altogether and just had your eyes fixed on each other. You guys were also having a… moment? You were edging closer and closer to one another absentmindedly and a layer of tension filled the air. 

“Guests! Thank you for coming to this lovely gala we have been hosting today!” Oh yeah, that’s where you were. You and Jonathan stopped dancing and turned to face the voice and saw Bruce Wayne now on the stage introducing the event. You released a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “You all probably already know why this gala is being thrown today, we are here to support our very own Arkham Asylum and its employees who work tirelessly to try to reform the criminals it holds. The dining hall is now ready for everyone so if you follow the butlers they will direct you to your seating! Thank you.” Bruce gave a winning smile and moved away from the microphone and off of the stage.

You looked to Jonathan who nodded in the direction of the hall and you both started to make your way over.

The room was beautiful, with hundreds of tables brimming the hall. You stuck to Jonathan like glue, because despite all of the friendly-seeming faces, it was still pretty nerve-racking and he didn’t seem to mind, in fact, he seemed to enjoy being your protector.

You were eventually seated, with Jonathan being in the seat next to you on your right. You were glad for that, at least. Apart from him, you were surrounded by a load of unfamiliar faces that lined your table, not that that was surprising, you couldn’t recognise 90% of the people attending this. 

There was a lot of, ‘How do you do’s and ‘What is your name’ and ‘Where do you work’ as everyone around you settled in. They asked you and Jonathan many questions about your jobs upon learning that you both worked at the asylum.

“So, Dr. Crane, what’s it like working with a bunch of criminals? Isn’t it dangerous?” one woman who appeared to be quite rich asked. She wore an expensive dress and a face full of extravagant makeup.

“Ah, well, we don’t just have them running rampant with a knife or such whilst we are in appointments with them.” His comment earned some laughter from the table. He was good at this, you smiled to yourself knowing you were in good hands and that you could relax a little because Jonathan knew what he was doing.

A different man, one who sat on your left side began to strike up a conversation with you.

“Dr. [L/N], a pleasure to finally talk to you. I have been meaning to ever since I saw you arrive!” This comment earned a suspicious side-eye from Jonathan but he quickly looked away and continued the conversation he was in.

“Oh, well it’s an honour to meet you, sir.” you politely responded and extended your arm to shake his hand, which he took, shook and lingered for a bit too long before releasing it.

“You must be very intelligent to be a psychiatrist. Where did you study?” He leaned over remotely closer, awaiting your reply.

“Gotham University for the most part! I enjoyed my time there, actually.” You tried to be oblivious to how he was acting, but it was super off-putting.

“Ah, a good one. I have known friends who have attended there!” His breath stinks of booze. He was closer still and you were starting to feel uncomfortable.

“Thank you, I’m sorry, but could you excuse me. I think I need to use the restroom.” He nodded his head and you stood up. Jonathan had an idea of what was going on and waited two minutes before leaving too.

You walked as fast as you could to get yourself some air. You were back in the foyer and nearly at the bathroom when a hand grabbed your wrist.

“[Y/N]!” You turned around and your eyes were met with Jonathan. “Are you alright?”

“I’m... I’m sorry. Everything was just really… hectic. I needed some air…” You weren’t quite sure what to say.

“Was it that man? Did he make you feel uneasy, or something?” His eyes looked full of care and concern. He really knew you well.

“Yeah, I’m sorry for dragging you out here, you can go, you don’t have to worry.” You tried to brush it off but he could tell how it got to you. He moved his hand, which was still holding your wrist, to hold your hand.

“I’m not just going to leave you here when you’re like this. I’m someone who cares for you.” He sounded truly earnest, it made your heartbeat speed up when he said that. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Trust me. If it will make you feel better, we can switch seats. If he tries anything, even if he looks at you in a strange way, I’ll see to it myself.”

“Jonathan… Thanks.” You smiled to which he returned it.

“Shall we?” His facial expression shifted to a smirk.

“We shall.”

You both made your way back to the table, sitting in each other’s seats. You realised you were still holding hands and had to unfortunately let go to sit down. You settled back down and the man from earlier began to speak.

“I think you two are sitting in the wrong seats.” He was so clearly annoyed but tried not to show his frustration by placing an obvious artificial smile on his lips.

“Hm, it seems that we are,” Jonathan said, turning to you. “Ah well, no point in getting up again.” He shrugged and was pulled into another conversation with someone on the table.

At some point, you had ended up placing your head on his shoulder to lean against which he let you do. It was comfy and by the time you realised you had done so, it had been about 5 minutes and he was fine with it so you decided to bask in the moment.

Bruce Wayne, that mysterious rich guy, was once again back on the stage. 

“Hello everyone,” he had a drink and a tiny spoon in his hand which he clinked to the glass to command everyone’s attention. “Now, I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear, is the best part, where I give you all a load of free food! Feel free to indulge yourselves as the butlers bring the food and beverages around to the tables.” Then he confidently strode off the stage and back to his seat. His table was less full of businessmen in suits and more full of beautiful women in expensive dresses.

Everyone turned back to their conversations as trays and plates came out of the ginormous kitchen hiding somewhere in the back. There were all sorts of food that you had yet to try in your life but you were eager to. You had to sit up though so that meant lifting your head off of Jonathan’s shoulder.

You, along with the rest of the guests began to eat the food served. Whilst also maintaining some light conversation. By this time, you had quite the collection of business cards handed to you by various people at this table. 

Bruce stood up to toast to the event, “Here is a toast, to this pleasant gala and to those we are holding it for. A toast to all of the incredible employees of Arkham Asylum who are and aren’t here today!” He raised his glass which everyone else followed suit with.

Half an hour later and everyone was finishing up their meals and you too felt very full and idly set your head back onto Jonathan’s shoulder. You looked up at him from there and he looked back, laughing a little before looking away again.

The gala was starting to wrap up and people were starting to leave. Bruce went onto the stage to say his official goodbye causing a massive flock of people to also call it a night for them there.

“We should probably give it a minute before leaving, save getting trampled.” Jonathan looked to you, who was still leisurely resting on his shoulder.

“You’re right.” You said watching people leave, “This was surprisingly fun.” 

“I agree, I didn’t expect to have this nice of a time. Maybe it’s just thanks to you though.” Jonathan now rested his head atop yours. 

“I’m glad you were here too.” You sighed happily.

“We should see each other outside of work more.” He said, nonchalantly.

“That would be nice.”

“Are you free next Saturday?” Oh wow, he’s good, real smooth.

“Yeah, in fact, I am.” 

“Looks like we’ll be doing this again soon, then.” He had that smug grin again. Then sat up, took your hand and you both walked out together.

[bandsanitizer]

Okay but that scene in the hospital as letting Buck know what he means to Eddie and Christopher, not just as Eddie’s coworker or firefighting partner. Not just as someone who cares about Christopher. Not just another person there to help make being a single parent easier for Eddie. No, that scene was Eddie informing Buck that he is family—for real. That he’s Eddie’s best friend and the person he trusts the most. That he’s both a good friend to Christopher, but a remarkable guardian in his life, too. And this is so important in timing. (Explained after the “Keep Reading” because it’s a long post.)

Disclaimer: I recognize that everyone has different experiences, views, and definitions, regarding family, parenting, and the interpretation of canon. This is mine and yours are yours. This isn’t heavily romantic-Buddie inclined, nor is it intended to be, but it can be read as such. Also, spoilers for up to the s4 finale.

At the beginning of season 3, we learn what Christopher means to Buck. In his fight to save and find Christopher—risking his life—Buck showcases that he loves Christopher, that Christopher is important to him, and, in how he doesn’t have the “Oh, shit! How do I tell Eddie?” moment until he sees Eddie, it solidifies that Buck’s care for Christopher is not lenient on Christopher being Eddie’s son.

Later in s3, in the market, we see how Eddie views Buck regarding Christopher. By bringing up Christopher in the argument (“Christopher misses you.”), Eddie acknowledges a level of responsibility Buck has regarding Christopher. Granted, Buck loves kids and he’s a softie so that comment would hurt either way, BUT Eddie is not the kind of person to just use Christopher for the sake of a guilt trip. Eddie knows Buck cares about Christopher, Eddie knows Buck probably didn’t think things through, and Eddie wishes that Buck did. As much as that stands, however, it’s made clear that Eddie expected Buck to consider how it might affect them and Christopher. A big responsibility to place on a typical friend.

Yet, since this is coming right off the tsunami incident, Eddie’s expectations aren’t unexpected, but an extension. He said that there was “nobody else in the world,” that he would trust with Christopher more than Buck. And then for Buck to cut everyone off? Like it wouldn’t even matter? That doesn’t fit the way Eddie views how Buck cares—particularly, how he cares about Christopher.

Then jump to Eddie Begins. This is where we clearly see how Buck views Eddie and further confirmation that Christopher is in fact Eddie’s everything.

Buck’s reaction to the well collapsing on Eddie is very similar to his reaction to losing Christopher in the s3 tsunami arc. Distinctly different levels of reaction than he had towards Bobby being in danger and Maddie being held hostage with the rest of the dispatchers. Something Buck mentions to Sue about the latter, is that Maddie has Chimney. Bobby also has Athena. Hen has Karen. Eddie has... Well, Eddie has Buck and Buck has Eddie. The show has been pairing off characters and naturally, Buck and Eddie are one.

So his reaction to losing Eddie being similar to his reaction to losing Christopher, is a way of non-verbally conveying that Buck cares about Eddie a lot. To the same degree or within the same intensity as he cares for and loves Christopher. That it’s not just what they mean to other people in Buck’s life, but what they mean to Buck, himself. And with the contrast for worrying about Maddie or Bobby, it’s a recognition by Buck that in the same way Eddie and Christopher have a place in his life very different from the rest of the firefam, so does Buck in their lives. That he knew Maddie needed Chimney in that moment, and in losing Christopher and Eddie that he was that person in their lives. The one that’s supposed to fight with everything they got to make sure they’re okay.

We already knew how much Eddie loves his son prior to Eddie Begins, but we see his love and care for Shannon, as well. Plus, we get some sort of recognition that Eddie has much regrets over not being there for Christopher when he was younger. This is significant, particularly if you ship Buddie, but even without a romantic lense, it emphasizes the relationship between Buck and Eddie & Christopher.

The show pushes the idea that Shannon fell short at being a good mother to Christopher. Granted her running away wasn’t great parenting, but so did Eddie, and it’s not like Shannon didn’t try later. (Also that’s a completely different post.) What matters here is that Eddie trusts Shannon with Christopher. While it isn’t easy and he certainly has hesitations about Shannon leaving again and how that instability affects Christopher, it’s not that Eddie doesn’t trust Shannon with caring for Christopher. Eddie expects her to also be his wife and to have his back, and it’s in the emphasis on their marriage and getting a divorce, that focuses in on how much Eddie&Shannon weren’t working, not how much EddieShannon&Christopher were not. They both ran, under different circumstances, and they both stepped up to the plate when it came to caring for Christopher. (Again, it’s a different post for me to go into my thoughts on how them running wasn’t ever out of a lack of love or care for Christopher, and how much it was likely their marriage not working and worries about how that would affect Christopher.)

So, anyways, the point is that Shannon was there to care and love Christopher when Eddie was not. Eddie was there to care and love Christopher when Shannon was/is not. And in the s4 finale, Eddie points out the fact that Buck was there for Christopher when he was not. This, also tied to the having each other’s backs being used with Eddie and Buck in the beginning of s2 and later with Eddie and Shannon, points out that Buck role in Christopher’s life is heavily parental.

In the living room scene about Hildy and video games, the tactic of Christopher switching from reasoning with Eddie to asking Buck is very much the “ask the other parent” strategy. The look Buck gives to Eddie then (similar to the one he gives in the playdate scene in the s3 Christmas episode) is very easily read as “Eddie is the parent,” but Eddie giving Buck a look back becomes permission for Buck to handle it and that’s not just Buck being Eddie’s best friend, but Buck as someone with a parental/guardian role to Christopher. (Also consider Buck’s dynamic with the other kids of the 118–he’s very much and very strictly young fun (uncle) Buck, no?)

And with Christopher running to Buck when he was upset with Eddie and didn’t know how to express everything he was feeling—a moment when Buck was there for Christopher when Eddie couldn’t be, as well as something along the lines of knowing parents talk but still going to the other parent for something you don’t know how to talk to the other about.

The brief phone call was very parental—there’s no discussion regarding why Christopher would go to Buck or if Buck was okay with it or Eddie apologizing for it or any realm of discussion outside of Christopher is okay and Eddie is on his way. Granted, as a parent, priority just being Christopher being okay since he was missing makes a lot of sense. But there’s this underlying sense of “Of course he’s at Buck’s” as well as the innate trust Eddie is displaying with Buck.

This trust in Buck is also seen with Christopher as Christopher opens up to Buck. And the tone Buck takes & the conversation they have, is also fairly parental. Buck’s empathetic to Christopher and he listens and he gets it—he knows how scary it is to feel like you’re losing people—but he’s also pretty clear that Christopher running off wasn’t okay and that he needs to talk to somebody. And then, Buck says Christopher has him and promises that Christopher isn’t going to lose him.

This is an promise of permanence. Buck can’t technically promise he’ll always be there for Christopher—that’s something that cannot be truly certain. And interestingly, Shannon and Eddie have also promised something vaguely forever towards Christopher as well. Notably, in Shannon’s letter about loving Christopher “even if it’s from a distance” and like everything that went on in the flashbacks of Eddie Begins. So, the scene becomes Christopher and Buck recognizing the importance they have to each other.

Which means: Buck knows he cares for Christopher and Eddie. Eddie knows he cares for Christopher. Eddie and Buck knows Christopher cares for both of them. Buck and Christopher are aware of each other caring for each other. Buck’s always been aware how much Christopher means to Eddie. So what’s left?

Eddie recognizing he cares for Buck and the two of them being aware that they both care for each other. The first of which the s4 finale tackles and the second that becomes alluded to by the end of the hospital scene.

There’s a lot of reasons for why that over the year Eddie never told Buck about changing his will. It’s scary, it’s a lot of responsibility, etc. It means that while Eddie is aware of how much Buck loves and cares about Christopher, the responsibility of being a parent is a whole other thing. And yet, Eddie doesn’t really have many doubts about it. Yes, there’s the small thought that just maybe, just maybe, it’s asking Buck for too much—but as it’s said in the finale, Eddie knew Buck wouldn’t refuse.

So why not tell Buck and why tell Buck then? Because Buck needs to know that Eddie cares about him. That in telling Buck earlier or even going to Buck earlier, could come across to Buck as Eddie measuring something—whether that be how much he cares about Christopher or how much he can trust Buck or something else—it leans heavily on Buck means something to Eddie because he cares about Christopher. And while that’s true, that’s not it.

Eddie says he’s telling Buck now because Buck said he thought it would’ve been better if he was the one that got shot. Because Eddie is well aware of Evan risk-taker, doesn’t think before he does, “it would’ve been better if I was shot” Buckley does majority of what he does and thinks majority of what he thinks because he believes he’s expendable—but he’s wrong. And Eddie is trying to show Buck he’s wrong.

That Buck matters to Eddie. That Eddie trusts no one with Christopher the way he trusts Buck. That if he can’t be there, then there’s no one Eddie wants more than Buck to be there for Christopher. It’s a huge responsibility to say, “If I die, you’ll have to take care of my son,” but it’s also privlege. It’s a trust. It’s saying that I’d trust you with my world if I wasn’t around to care for it. If Buck didn’t matter to Eddie, Eddie couldn’t have possibly changed his will like that. If Buck didn’t matter to Eddie, then Eddie wouldn’t have set forth the very possible risks of upsetting the family he has—that Christopher has. That while it comes from caring about his son and wanting the best for him, considering not just what is best for Christopher but what Eddie believes is best for Christopher is very fueled towards caring for Buck.

Because, note that logically there’s a lot of ways that Eddie and Christopher moving back to Texas would’ve been better for Christopher. There’s a lot of ways that Christopher being taken care of by Eddie’s parents that would’ve been better for Christopher. Because it would mean being surrounded by family. It would mean foregoing many of the real financial struggle single-parenting can have. It would mean 100% security that Christopher would have people to care for him—given Eddie’s risky career. And yet, that’s not what Eddie believed was best for Christopher—or at least it wasn’t what he wanted for Christopher. That Eddie would fight tooth and nail to secure a stable and fulfilling life for Christopher on his own, if it may be, if it meant Christopher being with his father. Because Eddie wasn’t there for a few years, and he regretted that, and wanted to be a father for Christopher now that he had a chance to.

So, where logically, leaving Buck to have custody of Christopher if Eddie dies doesn’t make the most sense because Christopher has extended family in both Texas and LA, it was what Eddie thought was best. It was what Eddie thought was right. Almost like how it’s pretty clear Eddie’s parents didn’t like Shannon, and yes their relationship was rocky, but Eddie stands by the similarities in their running from the family and Eddie doesn’t put up with insults on Shannon’s parenting. That while between the two of them, yeah there were issues and they both can agree they weren’t great parents to Christopher in the times they weren’t there, Eddie also doesn’t let it only fall on Shannon, doesn’t stand for implications that Shannon did anything less than love her son and do better when she came back. Like literally the worst part of both of their parenting comes down to the one instance they left. Yes, not great, but, especially as a tv drama, it’s never to say that they don’t know how to be good parents. Outside of leaving, they’re capable of caring for Christopher and loving him fully. (Again that’s a whole other post)

But the point! Is that Buck loves Christopher. Christopher loves Buck. Buck loves Eddie. Eddie loves Buck. And there is no one in the world Eddie trusts more than Buck to be there for Christopher when he can’t be and to fight for Christopher. Both are also notably traits that both Shannon and Eddie display to each other (taking over parenting when the other isn’t present & overall fighting to be part of their son’s life).

All in all, this is to say that the finale points out how much Buck means to Eddie—something that hasn’t be made completely clear before. And by Buck’s face after Eddie says Buck isnt expendable, it’s a bit of a new thing for Buck to realize, too. That while they’re both well aware how much they care for the each other and how much they care for Christopher—there’s been a lack of realizing how reciprocal that care is between the two of them. (Which like romantic shipper goggles on, that’s part of where Shannon&Eddie fell apart. That while they both saw they loved Christopher and loved each other for that, sometimes there was a lack of loving each other outside of that.)

This coming within the same time of them individually starting (sort of for Eddie) romantic relationships, emphasizes a permanence in each other’s lives (that is explained nicely by @/mistmarauder (link will be in reblog/notes).) It considers the many ways that them being best friends and family is a for-life sort of thing, that isn’t bound or restricted by romance or blood or anything of the sort. They chose each other. They choose each other. And whether or not Buddie becomes canon, Buck-Eddie-Christopher are 100% an established family unit within the 118/firefam and the s4 finale was meant to establish that clearly. That where Buck & Eddie naturally pair off as the 118 does, Buck-Eddie-Christopher form one of the smaller family units that are focused on within the 118/firefam.

And if, you want to take it more romantically, Buck and Eddie realizing how much they mean to each other as something reciprocal (so far on Buck’s end, we still need a clearer moment where Eddie goes “oh! Buck cares” but the “are you hurt?” moment came close) is a great continuation for growing feelings and extended slowburn, friends to lovers Buddie-endgame. Like they’ve established Christopher loves Buck, Eddie loves Buck, Buck loves them, and Buck fulfills the sort of parental role well. Not much more checkboxes to fulfill for canon Buddie excepting navigating feelings, epiphanies, and the romance of it all. It’s not set up to only allow for Buddie, so there’s, as usual and expressed, room for other paths of canon, but it’s good set up should they choose that to be the direction they decide they want to go in.

[illfoandillfie]

Impersonal

As promised, here’s the smutty followup to yesterday’s blurb! This is the fifth post of seven in my Platonically themed event. Again, it’s not really been edited because it’s late and I’m very tired but alas, thats how it goes. 

Words: 2,278

Warning: some vague dom/sub dynamic stuff with a more dom Ben, spanking, it’s P in V sex but theres a lot of talk about butts. Also they’re still dorks. 

It had been a nice day. You and Ben had gone out with a few friends, just a little picnic in the park to catch up with everyone. If you’d been at all worried about publicly being together on a no romo day, then it was for nothing. As much as everyone there considered you and Ben to be an item, it mostly went ignored, aside from a couple of questions about how you’d gone living together so far. But having such a big lunch, everyone having brought something to share, neither of you were especially hungry at dinner time. Ben whipped up a pot of butted noodles for you to pick at as you watched TV but it was soon set aside as you shifted to lean against the arm rest with your legs stretched out to lay over Ben’s thighs. Each of you were engrossed in your phones more than the quiz show he’d flicked on, occasionally sharing something you saw or read.  

You had opened tumblr and were scrolling through your dash, pausing to read longer bits here and there but mostly just liking images and reblogging memes. Until you hit a patch of not safe for work content. One of the porn blogs you’d long since forgotten you’d followed had hit a rare patch of activity, every second post one of theirs. Those posts you paid a little more attention to, especially when videos and explicit images were involved since you knew they were likely to be taken down soon and you didn’t want to miss out on seeing something hot. Unfortunately your headphones were in another room so you weren’t game to turn the sound on for any of the videos but the visuals and erotic comments below were enough to make you feel as if the room as heated up. You could feel yourself getting wetter at each new post but couldn’t seem to stop looking at them.  

A particularly good video of a sloppy blowjob made you clench your thighs together, your foot rubbing against Ben’s thigh as a result. His palm came to rest on the top of your foot, rubbing it soothingly, though his attention was still elsewhere. In fact, his gaze didn’t shift until a little later when you were looking at a very hot gifset of a woman on all fours, crying as she was pounded from behind. He cleared his throat. You jolted a little at the sound and tried not to look too guilty as you met his eye.   “You okay?” “Mmhmm,” His eyes travelled over you from the lip between your teeth to your tightly pressed thighs and your fingers wrapped firmly around the phone.   “I don’t mean to interrupt,” he said, clearly meaning to do exactly that, “but ummmm, are you watching porn right now?” “No,” you answered too quickly. “Hey, you don’t have to hide it if you are, go nuts. I’m just a little curious about what’s turned you on so much you’re practically panting. And can I help?” “I’m not watching anything. It’s just some gifs I saw.” “Well I think QPR law states you have to show me or you’d be a big meanie.” You chuckled and handed the phone to Ben, a little curious about how he’d react.   Ben watched the gifs through a couple of times before nodding, “Yeah, that’s uhhh, that’s pretty hot,” he rubbed your foot again as he kept watching the looped footage. “Are you turned on?” “Yeah, a bit,” “Hmmm, same.” “Should we-” “Do you wanna-” You spoke at the same time and then both laughed a little as you simultaneously agreed, “Yeah.” Immediately you swung your legs around intending to walk towards the bedroom and Ben followed for about two steps before he stopped suddenly, “Wait. This is a no romo day, right? Do you still feel anti-romance?” “Yes and yeah I think so. Why?” Ben shrugged, “I don’t think we’ve ever had sex on a no romo day so...how does it work?” “Oh, good point. Well.” you wanted to keep it brief, already worked up and wanting to move to the fun part, “I think it’s probably best if we keep it on kind of the rougher side, a little impersonal even. Could you maybe hit it from behind? I’m not really sure eye contact and all that stuff would be as fun for me right now.” “No need to ask twice. My hot partner wants me to look at her gorgeous arse while I fuck her? Yeah definitely into that.” “Jesus I’d forgotten you’re an arse man.” It was true too. As much as Ben might prefer ass to tits he also enjoyed the visual stimulation of watching you – seeing the pleasure on your face, watching your body react to his. So, while doggy style was a regular position for you, variations of missionary and cowgirl were probably a little more frequent. Which was wonderful, except not what you needed right then. Ben responded by poking his tongue out you but he seemed quite as eager to move things along, “So rough doggy then? Can I spank you?” “You’d be into that?” He shrugged, “I know we haven’t really done anything kinky yet but yeah, I enjoy spanking. I mean...watching an arse jiggle after it’s hit is incredibly hot.” You giggled, “spanking is very okay then. You could be a little mean too if you wanted, maybe calling me a degrading name to get at that impersonal thing. Slut maybe.” He hummed uncertainly, “I can try it if you really want but I gotta admit I’m not as into degrading stuff as I am spanking.” “It’s fine if you don’t, whatever works. Honestly, I’m already super horny so just do whatever you’re comfortable with and don’t get too gentle or loving with it, and I’ll be happy.” “I can definitely do rough for you. For instance,” You gasped as Ben grasped your hips and turned you around, positioning you in front of the arm of the couch before he pushed you to bend over it. It was a surprise considering Ben’s typical nature. He had his controlling or domineering moments but generally seemed happiest when he was showering you in affection or letting you take charge. Adding to the surprise was the way he tugged your pants down to your knees and began to touch you through your underwear. It made you squirm, trying to find a little more friction, but he only gave you a quick spank. Not overly hard but it didn’t have to be to make you feel tingly. Just knowing Ben was capable of an action like that was hot enough. All the same he pulled your knickers down too and ran his fingers through your folds.   “Wow, okay. You meant it when you said you were horny. Pretty wet already.” “No shit Sherlock. You know I don’t need lines like that that get you interested in fucking me.” He gave you another slap for your insolence.   “Better get you stretched out then, hadn’t we?” You felt two of Ben’s fingers rest against your entrance and expected to feel them sink into you too. But it didn’t happen.   “What’s the hold up, Tiger? Ow,” the spank had been a little harder than the last.   “If you want them so bad, do it yourself.” Your breath caught as you realised what he meant and you shifted your hips back, levering yourself against the arm of the couch, until you felt his fingers penetrate you.   “That’s it Kitten. You’re too horny to wait, aren’t you? God you’ve got such a pretty arse. Giving me the best view right now. Your needy cunt soaking my fingers while your arse,” he hit you again, “jiggles. It’s making me so hard.” You whined, unable to find a better response, and rocked back against his fingers, slowly fucking yourself on them.   He let you go on like that for a little while, happy to listen to your hitched breaths and needy sighs as you got a little of what you needed. But then he pulled his fingers from you. You let out a disappointed whimper, “Ben, c’mon,” “I’m so hard from watching you be so desperate. Just gotta get my pants off. But you can play with yourself for me, can’t you?” You nodded and shifted so you could drop your fingers to your pussy. Ben gave your arse another slap, “Not what I meant Kitten. Play with your arse.” Startled by the low growl in his voice you quickly complied, leaning on the couch as your brought both hands up to grab your arse cheeks, squeezing them and pulling them apart to better show off your holes.” “That’s very good, Kitten. Spank yourself.” It wasn’t the same as when Ben spanked you since you knew what was coming and the position didn’t allow you to get as much force into your hits as he could. But it was definitely arousing and it definitely seemed to work for Ben. You’d barely registered the sound of his pants dropping before he was sliding into your wet and waiting cunt.   “I can take it from here,” Ben’s hands replaced yours, groping your arse as you dropped your arms back to the couch, though you felt it was useless to try and prop yourself up on them. It would only be a matter of time before you collapsed entirely.  

At first he kept the pace slower, letting you adjust to him, though each thrust was forceful, just as you’d asked it to be. But gradually Ben sped up, hands still playing with your cheeks, sometimes grabbing and sometimes spanking them. He tried to say more about how hot it was to take you like that but his own breath was escaping him as the words seemed to be. So he let his body talk for him as he pounded your cunt and dug his fingers into your flesh.   And then he pulled out.   You were on the verge of asking him who the fuck he thought he was when he said, “one second. Just want to try something.” and then, remembering he was meant to be acting mean, added, “And you just want me to keep fucking you, so you’re not going to complain.” In a disgruntled daze you let Ben help you up onto the back of the couch so that one leg was bent to lean against the arm he’d just had you bent over and the other dangled towards the floor. It took a little more adjustment before Ben was happy. First pulling you back towards him and the corner of the couch, and then pressing you to lean forward so your hips were raised and he could better access your pussy. You had to grab onto the back of the couch for support, digging your fingertips into the leather as Ben resumed fucking you.   The angle had changed a little and the position was slightly more awkward to maintain but it was worth it for the way your clit rubbed against the smooth leather, leaving a trail of wetness behind. Each thrust rocked your hips in such a way that you quickly found yourself getting close to release.

That, however, seemed to be Ben’s plan as he began telling you how good you were going to make him feel when he made you cum. “I know you’re close Kitten. So just cum. I want to feel your cunt on me when you do.” He lay another few spanks to your arse cheeks and that tipped you over into your orgasm.   But Ben didn’t stop.   “I th-think you can do bett-er than that,” he grit out as you clenched around him and he seemed to thrust twice as hard as he had before, “You were so,”   You grunted as he plowed into you. “So desperate before. So you can cum better than that. Right kitten?” You nodded and gasped out a, “Yes” as your arms shook with how hard Ben was fucking you.   But he didn’t relent. He kept going until he felt you tighten again and heard you moan, nearly sobbing as relief flooded your system.   That seemed to be enough for Ben and he let himself go too, holding your hip tightly as he pressed deep into you.  

Ben leaned his forehead against your back as he tried to regain his regular breathing rate and gave you a quick kiss there before he righted himself and helped you to dismount the couch. The evidence of your orgasms was still smeared across the leather but neither of you paid it any attention.   “Sorry I never called you a slut or anything,” Ben said with a slightly self-conscious chuckle, avoiding your eye as he hitched his pants back into place. “I just like Kitten better.” “Don’t be,” you said mirroring his actions to looking at him, “Kitten worked perfectly. Also, that was really good. Maybe you could be rough and mean more often?” “The double orgasm was a pretty good indication that it worked for you,” “Of shut up, I was being serious. It was really hot.” “Yes but I like teasing you, remember,” “Prick.” “That hurts,” he said with a fake gasp and a hand against his chest, “Keep talking like that and I’ll have to spank you again,” “Ha ha, very funny. Tease me all you want but we both you enjoyed it as much as I did.” “Maybe I did.” he conceded, “but I wasn’t going to hate it when I was watching your arse.” “Alright, you perv. Was there any leftover noodles? Bit peckish now.” “Yeah, in the fridge. Grab me some too would you?”

[patchun]

WBaWC Deep Dive: Part 2/2

In the game's preliminary description, ZUN describes it as "a shooting game that's darker than usual, full of animal elements, and just a bit aggressive."

Part 1 here.

Yachie Kicchou. Is this maybe the longest profile of any Touhou character? Yachie's profile gives us more information than anything else about the Animal Realm, so I'd highly recommend reading all of it before we continue. Scroll down and find her profile, then click "Expand." If you're on mobile, this will look pretty bad, so switch to the Desktop mode. While reading, keep this in mind: this profile seems to be just about the only instance of a perspective from a beast spirit. This isn't a neutral perspective, this isn't ZUN's perspective - this is the perspective of a beast spirit, though it doesn't seem to be Yachie's own perspective. I'll be giving my evidence of this later.

The Animal Realm, the ultimate survival-of-the-fittest world.

It's a world where the strong rule as they desire... or at least it was, until a few beasts that were just a little more clever and wily than others began to form organizations.

By now, a select handful of gigantic organizations dominate the world.

The thing about WBaWC is that it's very vague. ZUN does not come out and say "animal rights", he does not say "you should be a vegan", or anything like that. The only thing ZUN wants us to do, without a doubt, is to think about these things, in particular the power dynamic we currently have between humans and animals in the modern world. I mentioned previously the argument for humans to have moral rights because of sentience, and then because of intelligence - but there is another line of reasoning that is used frequently. "This is just the natural order. The survival of the fittest." Opponents of animal rights will say this. But ZUN makes it very clear here - this world no longer follows those rules at all. "It's a world where the strong rule as they desire... or at least, it was..."

Further in her profile, we learn that the beast spirits finally found peace when they gathered all the humans into one area like farm animals and made them into their slaves. So, ZUN begins the game by introducing three characters which cause us to question our notion of moral status, two of which (Urumi and Kutaka) are animals that humans mistreat on a massive scale today, and then, he flips it - puts humans on the other side - all to ask a simple question. "Do you like this? Are you happy with this?" When humans are the ones being dominated, are you satisfied?

Now, there are some really crucial lines here that indicate that this profile is not actually an accurate account, but rather, the situation as told by one of the lesser beast spirits.

Almost all of the animal spirits already have no chance of victory by themselves, and the only way to survive was to team up with one of these organizations and continue fighting as their slaves forever.

Even as everyone continues to fight to exhaustion, an organization can never be stopped.

Pre-Primate Spirit Garden. This is what indicates to me that this is not Yachie's direct perspective. This wouldn't be a beneficial narrative in order for her to maintain her status as a member of the ruling class.

The beast organizations' ruling classes created a shelter for the humans, so that they could continue to be used as ever-capable slaves without going extinct.

The shelter was called the Primate Spirit Garden.

Only when they looked over the Primate Spirit Garden, filled with humans who had no means of resisting, did each of the organizations forget about their conflict. The Primate Spirit Garden was a peaceful recreational facility for everyone in the Animal Realm.

The word here, "shelter" generally has a positive association, right? And look at the last sentence: a peaceful recreational facility for everyone in the Animal Realm? That doesn't sound right. Now, sure, this is interesting, but why am I bringing up that this profile is from the perspective of a beast spirit? What does that matter to our overall understanding of the situation? Well, because of this next line, also within Yachie's profile:

The human spirits intended to devote themselves to the divinity beyond the idols, but they actually came to worship the idols themselves.

As a result, it was only natural that these idols began to dominate the humans.

The idols took control of the Primate Spirit Garden, and the status of the human spirits plummeted to the bottom once again. In being dominated by idols, the Primate Spirit Garden became the most awful, out-of-control organization of all.

Because this, according to everything else I've read, is NOT an accurate description of what ended up happening. The word "dominate" here is particularly noteworthy - from the perspective of a beast spirit, who within this world only understand things from a lens of survival of the fittest, that is exactly what this situation appears as. The thing is, this is where the game's vagueness makes interpretation very difficult - but here's what we know. We know from Yachie's profile that the human spirits were miserable while being ruled by the beast spirits, so much so that they cursed their helpless existences and prayed to Keiki. And we also know this, from ZUN's SCoOW interview:

Q: What do the human spirits who summoned Keiki think of her?

A: The game doesn't mention even a word of that, after all. In that world, the human spirits are nothing more than "materials". Everyone's fighting to steal those materials from each other. Keiki doesn't think of them as anything but materials, either. The reason for that is because the humans in that world want to be that way. You could say they just wanted to become cogs in a better society.

These descriptions... don't really match up, right? You'd read Yachie's profile and assume that the situation got really out of control, that the humans were miserable. Even according to ZUN in the interview, it has gotten out of control to some extent, but... also according to ZUN, this is... what they wanted. So, all that to say, Yachie's profile is not an unbiased description. I thought that was pretty interesting, and it will be important to consider when we talk about the situation of the human spirits under Keiki.

But for now, let's go back to the beast spirit's story of what happened - humans were dominated by the idols and plummeted to the bottom once again.

Survival of the fittest - the law of the animal realm. It's what's natural. What's natural, according to the beast spirits, is good! There is actually a philosophical moral theory called "natural law", and it's kind of the basis for the survival of the fittest argument. But it's also usually used to argue against stuff like homosexuality, abortion, being trans, etc... so uh, I have yet to meet any actual philosophers who use that theory (though I'm sure they exist). In the end, natural law is kind of shaky - because you have to ask the question - if what is natural is what is good, then what exactly do we define as natural? For example, we can look at penguins and see homosexuality, does that mean that natural law can no longer be used to attack homosexuality? Vaccines aren't natural, right? Cars aren't natural, right? Modern technology isn't natural, right? So are these things morally bad? But that's the thing - those three things I said may not be """natural""" according to the general public, but how exactly are they not natural? Vaccines, cars, and modern technology, those things are all made from nature, one way or another. Homosexuality, even if it DIDN'T occur in "nature" occurs within humans for sure! And humans are natural! What we view as natural is fully dependent, more or less, on what we were taught to view as natural. At the end of the day, isn't everything natural? And this is where things get really funny, because in many instances, natural law has been used cynically to defend the status quo and oppression. People were taught that black people were lesser, so it was natural to have them serve us. They were taught homosexuals were unnatural, so keep believing in the church and giving us money. They were taught that animals are meant to be eaten, that's how it is in the wild, so factory farms are okay. These arguments tend not to say "the current power structure isn't natural, so we need to dismantle it" but almost always "the current way things are is the way things should stay." So when we look at Mayumi Joutouguu...

You may not like it,

But this is what peak performance looks like.

Unable to be harmed by anything spiritual, Mayumi and the other idols are invulnerable to the attacks of beast spirits, easily able to defend the humans from their attacks. In other words, in the Animal Realm... Mayumi Joutouguu IS THE FITTEST. Really let that sink in. The Animal Realm, where the strong rule over the weak. Mayumi Joutouguu is the peak of that strength - and yet?

"I shall liberate the human spirits (our prey)

from you accursed idols! Prepare yourself!

It's the law of the Animal Realm that the strong eat the weak!"

From Reimu(Wolf).

"The god of destruction who broke the laws of animal-kind!

Keiki Haniyasushin!"

And this is just two instances. On multiple occasions, Keiki is referred to as having somehow broken the natural law by the beast spirits. And I'm sure that's what the beast spirits believe, because, in Youmu's Otter ending:

"Youmu returns to the Primate Spirit Garden and finds Yachie and Keiki squaring off. Youmu is confused by this and asks if the two of them get along well. Yachie explains that there is no such thing as ‘getting along’ in the Animal Realm. Keiki is surprised by this, stating that she was willing to work with the beast spirits in the future. Yachie acknowledges Keiki as a worthy opponent, but she then states that Keiki must be removed in consideration for the struggle for resources. Keiki tells Youmu that the resources Yachie refers to are the human spirits. Youmu is disturbed by this. Yachie then points out that is another reason why Keiki doesn’t belong here. She states the animal spirits are resources too. In the Animal Realm, everyone is driven by selfishness. Yachie follows the natural order here. However, Keiki, who was summoned by the human spirits, had thought differently."

No longer is the natural law "survival of the fittest", but rather, "everyone is driven by selfishness." Natural law was only used as a justification for the power structures within the Animal Realm until the ruling class was displaced. This game, by and large, follows the narratives of the ruling classes, from the beast spirits to Keiki herself. In that way, the second half of the game is asking more questions about power than it is about animal ethics. It's likely that Yachie and the other beast spirit heads are the ones who present this narrative to the lesser beast spirits, who we have already established according to her profile earlier are miserable, "fighting to exhaustion as the slaves of the large organizations, which could not be stopped". Gives me some serious neoliberalism vibes, but because of the lack of structure in the Animal Realm, I don't think it would be easy to make a political comparison.

So yeah, it's really funny that Mayumi and Keiki aren't really breaking any rules. They're just the new fittest, and the beast spirit ruling class isn't happy with that.

Some side notes about Mayumi:

It's been predicted that the workforce of human and animal spirits will be gradually replaced by the more efficient haniwa, because they can be immediately repaired after they've been destroyed, they can't get sick, and they don't need any rest.

In the SCoOW interview, ZUN compares Mayumi and the idols to AI. He's kind of an old man about it, too, saying that the humans went from being slaves to the beast spirits to being slaves to technology. But if you recall, I mentioned labor when we talked about Eika, and I did so because, well... We don't really have any idea what kind of labor the human and beast spirits are doing, WBaWC is too vague, and doesn't give us much detail. But, ZUN presents this idea, and then describes the Primate Spirit Garden under Keiki as kind of an opposite extreme "dystopia". According to ZUN:

A real "civilization gone too far" situation, where it's becoming a dystopia in a really obvious way.

The way I see it, it's something where "they built objects to rule over the world with, and in the end came to be ruled by those objects." The same as AIs and the like.

But also remember earlier, where ZUN says that that's what the human spirits wanted. Here it's almost as if ZUN is kind of bringing up a WALL-E type situation, where humans will no longer have to work, and every need of theirs will be taken care of by their idols. A very old man thing to say, but what's funny is actually another line that was just a bit earlier in the interview about Mayumi and the haniwa.

Haniwa certainly are mysterious; you wonder why everyone was making them. Archaeology is quick to ascribe religious reasons to anything it doesn't understand, but if you think about it with today's moral values in mind, it might not seem that way. I've thought about things like that for a long time. Personally, I believe they made them just because they felt like it. That might not have been the initial reason, but the act of creation itself gradually became enjoyable, and they started making more variations. To fulfill their creative desires, you know?

Think about that for a second. ZUN has introduced a society with very little forced labor, and called it dystopian. But he has also just stated that he believes that the people who made haniwa worked on them because they wanted to. To be honest, I don't know if ZUN even realizes this.

Finally, Keiki Haniyasushin. Thanks for sticking with me so far. Taking a look at her profile, the main thing that stands out to me is this:

The idols she creates are excellent items that can gather faith, act as stand-ins, play with you, and decorate your home.

A very different description than what was given by the beast spirit, huh? Is this what Keiki thinks her idols are doing? Is it actually what her idols are doing, and the beast spirits simply see that as domination because they can't comprehend any other way? Or is this just a little joke? Or is it somehow all of these? WBaWC is too vague! I'm sorry, but I don't know! Without a human spirit perspective on this, we really just can't deduce that. All we know is that the human spirits for sure liked living under Keiki more than living under the beast spirits.

As for Keiki, I don't have all that much philosophical to say, but I did think these quotes from the Marisa endings were cool.

Marisa (Otter)

"Yachie then explains the story from the beast spirits’ perspective. Marisa thinks it would have been better if she was told this from the start. Yachie apologies, but she reasons that didn’t want to risk failure. According to her, if she revealed the plan to the humans, there would be a chance Keiki would hear about it. However, Marisa was unable to read Yachie’s true intentions from her words. It is suggested that Marisa just didn’t see Keiki as an evil god."

Marisa (Eagle)

To Marisa, Keiki didn’t seem like an evil god. She wonders why the beast spirits hated her so much.

While Reimu and Youmu viewed what they were doing as more like work, Marisa was just in it for the ride, and as a result, she had some interesting thoughts about Keiki when she reflected on what she had just done. Keiki is one of the few Touhou bosses to not recognize at all that she was doing something bad, because Keiki doesn't believe she was doing anything bad. It's mentioned multiple times that she planned to coexist with the beast spirits "so long as they started to respect human spirits". Which casts further doubt on the description of the haniwa in Yachie's profile, which almost made it sound like they were going around indiscriminately slaughtering beast spirits. Wouldn't that be unnecessary if they were invincible?

Keiki's relationship to human spirits could also be looked at as pet ownership, or more accurately, like animals at a zoo or preservation area, I think. Caring for their every need, protecting them from the cruel "survival of the fittest" world outside. I mean, I don't have a problem with pet ownership at all, but I do have a problem with people who own pets irresponsibly and don't try as hard as they can to meet their pets' needs. My cat is my son.

The last thing I'll say is this: Keiki is coming back. Probably in 17.5. This may not be news to those of you who have already looked into this, but let me inform you if not. Marisa (Wolf)'s Extra, after beating Saki:

Marisa: I got no idea what the politics of the Animal Realm are like...... But I can hardly imagine this family o'yours ruling it. There's no denyin' you guys are strong, but......

Saki: What is it?

Marisa: Keiki strikes me as the most dangerous person.

Somehow it seems like she can come at us with all her power again.

And in Reimu (Wolf)'s ending:

Afterward, Reimu learns that Keiki threw the Animal Realm into chaos through her idolatry. She had the feeling that not humans vs. beasts, not physical vs. spiritual, but a religious confrontation was approaching.

And in Youmu (Eagle)'s ending:

Later, Keiki Haniyasushin showed up on Earth. This wasn’t too surprising since Keiki was never a god of the Animal Realm in the first place. However, for some reason, it seemed eerily likely that the Animal Realm’s survival of fittest conflict would follow Keiki into the surface world.

And personally that makes me very excited. And we just got a game about markets?? Hm...

FINALLY. This game has heavy Buddhist themes, and I am no expert on Buddhism, but:

Saki Kurokoma, Prince Shoutoku's horse that was ridden around to spread Buddhism. I don't have much to say about this character, haha. But I figured you'd want to see her anyways, and it's my Buddhism segue.

As far as Buddhism goes, the "animal realm" is one of the realms of reincarnation. To go from the human realm to the animal realm is bad, it means you were probably a pretty selfish person. Which begs us to ask, what might these people have done in their past lives? Does that mean that they deserve the suffering in the unnaturally cruel Animal Realm of Touhou? And what does that say about the dynamic we have with animals in the modern world, the parallel to the Animal Realm? Well, in the (Buddhist) animal realm, according to some Buddhist teachings, you act only on instinct and only for selfish desire. This is because of the misconception that animals act only on instinct and for selfish desire, a theme that we've played with a bit in this exploration, and a theme that ZUN strictly opposes with the character of Kutaka. If you own any pets, you already know that this just isn't true. Just like with humans, animal behavior is complex, and to attribute it to pure instinct is accurate to a degree - but the thing is, you can do the exact same thing to human behavior (we're also animals). It's just another way of creating human exceptionalism, something this game is really challenging. Specifically, the Buddhist animal realm is not a place, though, it's just a cycle of reincarnation. It's not actually a hell, not even close, it just means you've been reincarnated AS an animal in the real world. And this isn't a negative thing inherently, but it is viewed as hellish because of how animals are treated, not only by humans, but also by other animals!

So, there's probably more to say here. When reading Yachie's profile you may say, "Everyone working to exhaustion as slaves to huge organizations owned by a select few? Wow, that sounds like corporate America!" and you'd be right, and there's probably something there, to be honest. But because the Animal Realm is extremely vague, it's difficult to make any connections like that.

I think there's probably deeper stuff to dive into. Like I said, I'm no expert on Buddhism, so someone who is may be able to find a meaning that I've missed here. But to conclude,

As ZUN said, if you look for something the game is trying to show you, you'll just find a world filled with satire and vague circumstances. But... if you look for what the game is trying to ask you... there's quite a lot.

What is the criteria for moral rights? Can we create a criteria that makes sense and only applies to humans?

What is our justification for our treatment of animals in the modern world?

How would you feel about it if that dynamic was reversed?

And well, we don't really get any answers. ZUN really just gives us two pieces of his personal view:

The survival of the fittest argument is bullshit.

Natural law is bullshit.

Our current relationship with farm animals is not healthy, and we need to create a more positive image for them outside of being just our tools for food.

Thanks for reading. Reblogs appreciated.