#I also have beef with the pacing of the whole dang thing

[thecandlesticksfromlesmis]

truly the most egregious part of the 2012 Les Mis is that they changed Valjean’s line from

“It’s the story of those who always loved you, your mother gave her life for you then gave you to my keeping.”

to

“it’s the story, of one who turned from hating. The man who only learned to love when you were in his keeping.”

LIKE?????!! How dare they remove Valjean specifically mentioning Fantine’s sacrifice and putting that before he mentions his own part in the story?? How dare they make Valjean imply that it was only when Cosette came into his keeping that he stopped hating everything and learned to love WHEN THE FUCKING BISHOP IS THE REASON FOR THE GODDAMN SEASON????

Like OF COURSE Cosette softened Valjean, of course he became a better man when he became her father, of course their relationship is important.

But this story would not have happened without the love of the bishop and it was his love that rekindled the love that was dormant in Valjean’s heart. And it was Fantine that fanned that flame, then Cosette’s that kept it steady.

I just hate how flat it makes Valjean’s story seem. “It’s the story, of those who always loved you.” Is THE answer Cosette has been searching for her whole life. I wish they’d kept it in instead of feeling like the audience would only feel fulfilled by Valjean’s story if he only mentioned his direct relationship to Cosette.

Whatever idk. It’s a good Les Mis for a lot of reasons, but a bad one for a lot of reasons too 🥲

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Re-reading The Fellowship of the Ring for the First Time in Fifteen Years

Ok, so, as we move further into this book, I kind of don't understand why they didn't click with me when I read them at seventeen. I mean, I was DEEEEEEEEEEEP into the Star Wars EU at that point, so maybe it was just genre and writing style whiplash. That said though, I am very much enjoying myself this time around. Let's talk "Three is Company.

So my four key reactions to this chapter were, in the order they arose,

Frodo is the single most relatable hobbit ever. His whole "To tell the truth, he was very reluctant to start, now that it had come to the point" thing is just like...I don't care who you are or when you are, you have felt that at some point in your life. Like...yeah, that hobbit needs a hug and a swift kick in the ass to get him moving.

WHAT THE ACTUAL TITS IS TOLKIEN'S BEEF WITH LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS!?!?!? Like yes, she is a deeply unpleasant hobbit, but like...Frodo does not offer her any tea and leaves her the washing up, and frankly that kind of seems unnecessary? Like why is Tolkien a dick to Lobelias?

I had forgotten that Tolkien leaned on characterizations of elves that swing from near-childlike delight and wonder and bluntness ("...and hobbits are so dull," anyone??? Like I was literally raised with better manners than this) to absolute solemnity and wisdom. What I'm saying is that Gildor and his buddies gave me whiplash while Sam was getting starry-eyed.

WHY THE HELL HAS NOBODY TOLD THIS HOBBIT ANYTHING??? Literally they have almost been nabbed by black riders THREE DANG TIMES, and they're still basically in the heart of the Shire. Someone needs to fill these guys in, and frankly I think in Gandalf's oft-remarked-upon absence, then Gildor should probably step up and--as Frodo rightly fucking says--fill in some of the gaps because the vague warnings and ominous allusions are objectively worse than just knowing what is happening.

So with the key reactions sorted, let's walk it back a little and chat through this chapter. I--like every other nerd who existed on the planet in the 2000s--have seen the Peter Jackson film adaptations. I was also tangentially aware that there was a LOT of time compression in those movies, but uh...reading the book is a whole other level of understanding that. There are gaps of literal months and years between "oopsie poopsie, it's the One Ring" and "hey, you probably need to leave the Shire" and "OK FINE, WE'RE GOING." And even once Frodo, Sam, and Pippin get their asses on the road, they're like...meandering. Hanging out. Enjoying the walk.

What I'm saying is, the sense of urgency is utterly nonexistent.

Which is not a judgement, I actually enjoyed the pacing and watching our little hobbit bois be happy hobbit bois, but the feet-nailed-to-the-floor practical side of me was in a screaming match with the -delightedly-kicking-her-feet side of me the entire time I was reading this chapter. Like...guys. The Enemy is LITERALLY ON YOUR DOORSTEP. THEY ALMOST GOT YOU. MAYBE HAUL ASS A BIT??? BUY YOURSELVES SOME TIME AND SPACE???

I'm pretty sure that running into Gildor and his buddies saved their hobbity butts.

Just before we get into Gildor and the company of elves though, I want to take a brief second to just...acknowledge the goddamn WHISPLASH I got when the song movie Pippin sings over Denethor just destroying a roast chicken and cherry tomatoes popped up this early in the trilogy. It's a walking song and it's very hobbity, and I love both versions (book and movie) but for DEEPLY different reasons. The book version is sweeter, a little cheekier, and I imagine it paces because it is indeed a walking song, meant to keep those feet moving. It also is very much Pippin going "bed please!" which is deeply relatable. The movie makes it way weightier, more melancholy. And in the film context, it's also tragic. The shift from "away shall fade" to "all shall fade" is doing a TON of heavy lifting too. I don't have much else about that, really, because in terms of adaptation, that's not so much an adaptation as a recontextualization. And...I like both? Both are good? They're different, and I'm not gonna get bogged down in judging differences, I'm just going to enjoy both versions.

Back to the elves.

Frodo has some social cache with them, given his relationship to Bilbo and his grasp of the elven language, however small. Frodo also goes in for the traditional polite greetings and exchanges, which is all great. That said...

Thank christ that Pippin has no chill, because if he hadn't burst in and gone, "Tell us about the Black Riders," we'd have been doing social graces for literally another few pages. And I'm willing to bet that Frodo might not have actually gotten there, and then the three would not have been taken under the elves' wing, which again, I'm pretty sure saved their halfling asses. So thank goodness for Pippin just cutting through the bullshit and getting the plot moving a little. And he is amply rewarded with just hella good food and a good night's sleep, so all is right in his little hobbit heart.

I might love Pippin. Like, disproportionately.

What I did not love was Gildor. Gildor and his "Then I think it is not for me to say more - lest terror should keep you from your journey," and his "advice is a dangerous gift," and his "is it not enough to know that they are servants of the enemy?" and his "courage is found in unlikely places."

Gildor. My dude. Sweetie, honey, friend. YOU ARE NOT HELPING HERE WITH THE PHILOSOPHIZING AND THE PASSING OF THE BUCK. This is actually how you know Tolkien was a tried and true academic, because you can't get a straight answer to a direct question without being taken through a masterclass in philosophy first.

Like, I'm so happy for you and your education and your erudition, but for fucks sake, if I asked you if the sky was blue, we'd be debating what "blue" is for hours over tea when what I needed was a straight answer so I could plan my day. (I would be a terrible elf, you guys. Just absolutely terrible.)

The best I can say about Gildor is that he names Frodo an Elf-Friend, which I'm willing to bet is going to be beneficial down the road. He also made sure that Frodo, Sam, and Pippin were safe that night, and they got fed. So I guess that's a win.

Overall a fun chapter, and I'm excited to finally catch up with Merry and start planning to bail on the Shire in the next chapter!

[ghostenluvs]

my little sister's rewatching s3 despite Also watching it yesterday and its just. so funny to me. like first off bc the fight against nine is paced like a rpg boss battle (which. nine also talks like an rpg villain so that tracks. he just keeps spawning minions and saying things like "you fools. bring me sonic")

also nine is just so. rotating him. id put him in the microwave but i do not think that would end well for anyone. BUT HES LIKE. "well i tried caring and it just got me hurt." and hes just so so scared of being hurt again, so he cuts everyone off and hurts the people he wants to care about him. bc he cant let anyone get close. robots are the only ones he can depend on, they won't turn on him because they can't. and he HAS to believe that sonic betrayed him, that sonic wanted to hurt him and never really saw him as a real person or cared about him, because if he does then he has to confront that He is the one lashing out. etc etc etc. i am one of those goopy eyed white grandma dogs and nine is the squeaky toy i am furiously shaking around and disemboweling.

ok so yes all of this.

nine just keeps doing such edgy boy anime villain in the background of a tvshow cover poses during this season.

nine is like. so cool to me. squeezing him like a stress ball. patting he on the head and giving him a nintendo switch and a hot chocolate. blasting a character analysis of him through my headphones at an irresponsible volume.

i have so many thoughts about him. like. so many.

most of them [many of them, not all] are like.

"hey nine is like [insert other character here] but [insert adjective here]" sort of. and like comparisons or situations and such.

for some reason after i realized "hey nine is like elsa but boy and technology" my brain immediately went: ctubbo dream smp

and i couldn't figure out why.

and then my brain went:

"hey nine is like ctubbo if he never had someone to lead him around places and just entered his 'ive been traumatized must build incredible technologies to defend self' phase wayyyy early."

so yeah i'm insane about him. because ive somehow made ctubbo connections to tails and nine now. [tails prime also he is like disc era-l'manburg ctubbo in my brain]

because like. he's a kid!!!!! that's a child!!!!! bro is like 8 years old!!!!!

he should be having beef with jessica over the swingset seat at recess!!!!! and instead he's getting horribly traumatized and left alone to deal with any injuries or fears on his own, feeling there's nobody else in the world like him and not seeing sunlight for years on end.

oh gee i just had more ctubbo nine thoughts dang it.

[tommy valueing the discs over tubbo even in the split second of an arguement and not meaning it really / sonic taking about the original people and green hill like he was this whole show despite the huge care he has for everyone in the shatterspaces]

IM NORMAL I PROMISE.

[fallingin-like]

november 23

the real folk blues by @annawrites [requested by @allforthebee]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this absolutely amazing and captivating fic that has the foxes as space bounty hunters and neil who is, as usual, and exceptionally skilled runaway. set away some time to read this fic as soon as possible, because once you start, you won’t be able to put it down until you finish.

this is such an entertaining, fun fic and you did an amazing job at balancing the softer moments with intense, action-packed scenes. at all times i was fully immersed in the story, you handled everything so well. i’m always a fan of your writing, so it’s not a surprised that i had a wonderful experience rereading this.

bits that stood out to me:

”counting stars has become a habit, something to subdue the memories” ah this is really cute and i can totally imagine canon andrew, lying on the roof of some building counting stars instead of trying to sleep

”renee cracks a chicken bone smile in the corner of her mouth” i have never heard this phrase before but i love it!

”there’s a collective intake of breath - andrew, who remembers every single bounty ever placed, can’t remember it ever being this big” for some reason, i love when this kind of thing happens. it feels so cool, knowing someone wants that character that bad and gets me excited for what kind of skills the hunted person has, to be able to evade the people looking for them (reminds me of john wick lol)

”nathaniel wesninski alias neil josten is a hacker, con artist, engineer and pilot” BLESS HIM FOR BEING SO CAPABLE AND SKILLED

matt’s infamous bell peppers and beef with no beef!!! that’s funny and i think about it surprisingly often

”renee pulls up a few more photographs of neil wesninski on the hologram screen. she deals them out like cards until they fan out in a neat timeline of faded hoodies and various iterations of the same polished smile, a mouth sharpened to cutting perfection… the eyes, in contrast, look consistently hunted” holograms and just this space tech is SO cool. i love seeing how the foxes view neil before they meet him. it’s interesting how many sightings they have of him, but also how blank he seems, when we all know that there’s so much personality under that surface

”the ISSP are a bunch of corrupt, incompetent idiots” LOL

”’tone down the optimism, day,’ andrew drawls. ‘we might start overestimating our chances’” agh i love your characterization of all of these characters and this is a great example of why! and i like that you used drawls, it feels very andrew-like

”andrew waggles his fingers lazily in the air” yeah this is andrew

woah i have never seen the art for this fic (i guess because i have the fic downloaded and i just read that version instead of going on ao3, the pictures must not have downloaded) but it’s great!

gasp, i love the idea of the foxes Dressed Up

ALLISON BEING BANNED FROM PLAYING!! “her former alias - lady luck, also known as poker alice” oh this is great. for some reason, them having reputations like this really excites me

”it’s in my blind spot” ANDREW this is so funny

ahhhh i can’t believE you added the “better luck next time” line in!!

okay so the whole action part of this scene is so intense, love andrew throwing the poker chip as a diversion, and neil pretending to give up for a moment before ACTIVATING HIS ARMED SHIP AND SHOOTING EVERYONE. ugh, hearing about neil being so good at what he does (steering, hacking, while taking off his jacket) makes me love this scene so much

”vowels rolling like a pair of dice” this is so good on its own, but paired with the casino scene that precedes it? stunning

”kevin values his ship, and his life, in that order.” i can imagine. i wonder, is there competitive racing in this au? i can imagine kevin being obsessed with that

thank goodness riko is dead, one less thing (on a list of many things) to worry about. whoop and i see that easthaven has passed, good.

KEVIN DAY WITH A METAL ARM AND A TRANSMITTER PLATE THAT COVERS HIS TATTOO YEAH

oh dang limb regrowth tech in this au? wild

”’minyard and the monster, how lovely to see you again.’ neil greets him through the once more hijacked comm. they’ve been playing this game for weeks now, racing each other across the milky way like starved lovers. even allison is starting to run out of lewd jokes” i find it so interesting hearing about this relationship that’s being built between them even though they basically never meet in person, the joking from neil’s side

these hints of andrew’s eye mods are really great, i definitely didn’t notice them as much as i should have when i first read this fic, but every time after that, i appreciate little details like these more and more

RENEE WITH A KATANA YES PLEASE

”andrew shakes off the last dregs of sunday sleepiness that cling to his lips like the skin on warm milk. neil wesninski might have become a game by now, but the malcolms still mean business” ohhh boy, even knowing what comes next i get nervous hearing this. i love the contrast between the softness of what sundays mean with the conflict to come, especially when you jump right into the action

”renee pants, her voice cool and slippery like broken tiles amid the crackle of static” oh i love this description

LOL i can’t believe that andrew got matt’s dessert rations and gets to invite neil to be a part of their crew

”missions are slow and neil’s face keeps showing up on big shot, though not for lack of people trying to hunt him down.” i don’t know why but i really like this!! you go, neil!

oh oh thank you so much for the way that you describe neil alone on his ship, his hoodies, gloves, “one sad-looking sock”, “the one sock he’s wearing has holes”, talking to himself, “yet he’s still inexplicably trying to shield his robots from andrew’s gun” so cute!

”eyes like the gleaming insides of a wire in the dark” this!!!!

the! cats! neil made his robots cats!!

NEIL HACKING INTO THEIR COMMS I LOVE HIM

”neil is like a live fish under his hands, constantly wriggling and sliding out of his grip, fingers twitching back toward his abandoned project like flies caught in a spiderweb” ahh squirmy neil is super cute, “neil shivers under the touch like he’s not used to being touched at all” this doesn’t surprise me. even if i didn’t have an idea of what his childhood might have been like (with mary and nathan, i imagine there was not very much affection), he’s probably been alone for so long, when would the last time someone would have touched him? i don’t think i would be able to handle it

ahh barefoot neil is always cute

SCARS no matter how many fics i read, i always love moments when neil’s scars are revealed

NEIL RUNNING LAPS IN HIS TINY SHORTS AROUND AND AROUND AHH

”neil slinks into the room late, looking tousled and a little sticky around the edges like he’s just woken up from a nap. he freezes when he sees andrew, stuck standing right in the middle of the projection, and only moves when dan throws a cushion at him” your writing actually paints scenes in my head which for me, a person really bad at visualizing things, is really impressive. it makes the experiences of reading exponentially more interesting, and doesn’t happen that often.

renee as praying mantis!! what a perfect nickname. is she religious in this au as well? i can’t remember if any religions even exist in this au (whoops i know nothing about cowboy bebop)

”she looks stiff and faded like old newspaper in the light of the kitchen lamps” what a gem of a sentence

me: sees the nickname gorilla and gets excited because i know some action is going to go down

”the three of them would just  about reach his head if renee sat on andrew’s shoulders and lifted neil up” THIS IS AMAZING. i mean, andrew and neil are tiny but they are not that tiny

”andrew begins tonelessly, tracing patterns into neil’s skin” if we ignore the fact that andrew is telling a terrible terrible story, this is so soft

”his breathing is viscous now, like syrup in his lungs. his left eye aches and the corner of his mouth twitches painfully into the ghost of a manic grin. he bites his tongue and it tastes like the word please” i am speechless but i really wanted to acknowledge this sentences lakjsdf

NEIL WINNING THE BET ABOUT BEING ABLE TO STEAL THINGS FROM THE VENDOR AND ROBBING THE MAN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING. uGH you do such a good job of integrating humour like this into your story and having it fit the tone and pacing of the fic effortlessly.

excuse me how is it possible that you followed such a lighthearted scene with something so devastating as andrew explaining his past to allison and neil and have it still flow??? “because… i did not mean for you to get hurt” ANDREW YOU’RE SO GOOD

”he’s smoking outside and watching the dusk unfurl like an exotic flower when there’s a crash inside the store” this description is so gorgeous

what in the world, andrew i don’t even know how to describe you. he really just helps catch the robbers with his headphones on while choosing things to buy, killing a dude, then checking out, no big deal???? i understand neil’s attraction to him a little bit more now…

andrew and renee sharing clothes is now canon, please and thank you

oh no, lola is Bad News, especially when it comes to threatening neil’s family

NEIL PACKING ANDREW’S LEATHER JACKET AHH

”the bebop crew are basically overgrown children and react very well to the little sugary rewards for good behaviour” yeah this is very true haha

”’your blatant flirting woke me up,’ matt grins weakly. ‘can i have a lollipop too, neil?” i remember this whole scene so well, the second the infirmary was mentioned i knew it was lollipop time. matt, is basically how i feel right now HAH

woah wymack taking care of bonsai trees? i didn’t know i needed that in my life so badly. just like neil and the twins, so tiny :’)

uhm so, the tape that nicky sent to andrew? it’s actually making me cry (which is super rare for fics) “i hope you know that i love you”, “things aren’t so easy at the moment, and maybe they still aren’t easy for you watching this ten years from now, but i’ll always be there for you, and for aaron, too. i hope that one day we can be a family. happy birthday, my little piyoko, don’t eat all the cake by yourself!” i love this so much, and it makes me so sad and happy. this nicky is so good, and as much as i think andrew needed to see this, i think that i needed to read this more. thank you

nicky calling the twins his little piyokos, his lucky birds ;-;

the reunion scenes are so good, i really don’t think i can write anything that sufficiently describes how i feel. the way that nicky acts, the new relatives, older aaron, it all feels so right, so real.

andrea minyard deserves her own bullet point

neil just goes and makes all the police ships crash by controlling them remotely just for andrew to be hit by a moon rock?!?!?

”something irritatingly warm rises and swells inside andrew like yeast dough and he plunges his fists into it and kneads it into submission, twists it until all that remains is sticky, frothy anger” and “andrew sits down on a crate and prods at the yeasty mass still fermenting in his insides. the sudden bloating of anger has subsided to the usual starchy nothingness, but there’s a sugary residue of unease that he doesn’t want to examine any further right now” as much as i adore your jokes and beautiful descriptions of scenes, sentences like these ones that blow me away completely are why you’re one of my favourite fanfic authors. these are the kinds of sentences that i carry with me even after i am finished reading

”i can’t decide if you two are more like toddlers or like an old married couple… either way, it’s really bizarre to see andrew having feelings other than hate and destruction” LOL

thea is the coolest person ever

”kevin makes a noise like a dying dog” me too, kevin

NONONONONO ICHIROU AND JEAN AND EASTHAVEN

thank goodness neil is here

apparently i am very fond of the words “juice pack” and think it is cute. why? i also do not know

huh, riko naming his identity kevin king?? feels… not good

oh boy, lola is back

ANDREW CAN PICK OPEN HIS HANDCUFFS THANK YOU FOR THIS

is it bad if i am happy that all these people are dying (proust, lola, etc.)

NEIL AMPUTATES NATHAN’S HAND WITH A CLEAVER WHILE HE’S HOLDING A CLEAVER AND THEN KILLS HIM LDKSJFLK

oh dang, it’s stuart (i trust him)

andrew’s eye! thank goodness, because although it kind of sucks, it also Really Does Not Suck

”it’s stiff and awkward and neil quickly wriggles out of it. kevin must be really shaken up, because he tries andrew next. andrew waits passively until he’s close and then steps to the side at the last moment, smothering his amusement in a cough when kevin walks straight into the wall with open arms. serves him right for thinking even for a second that andrew would let him” LOL i love you, anna, so so much

money!! woohoooooo (or should i say woolonghooo okay sorry that’s like the world’s worst pun)

BELL PEPPERS AND BEEF WITH ACTUAL BEEF AND NO PEPPERS YES! what a great way to bring things full circle, even though it’s small

sweet dumplings filled with fruit? i am intrigued

THE SHIRT

i can’t not acknowledge the bit with the key, neil is too clever for his own good

we finally get to see bee! ugh i love the relationship between bee and andrew

”they may be marks of destruction, but they are still andrew’s; still proof of his existence” yeah (like a good yeah)

interesting about andrew’s memory not being as good without his left eye. does he have eidetic memory in this au? maybe it’s better if he doesn’t

i remember the first time i read this fic, in startling detail. this fic was so good then, and it has been just as good, if not better, every time i have reread it

it’s kind of embarrassing, but one of the things that i remember distinctly (among a lot of other things) is the noodles! reading this fic never fails to make me want to eat instant noodles

so one thing about me is that i am actually really bad at visualizing things. when i read stories, i can never imagine what a character looks like, i just see the feature that is being highlighted at the moment, and the second that sentence ends, that image is gone. like i just have a magnifying glass to someone’s face but i can’t piece together the parts. it makes it so that i often struggle with the visualization of stories. but something about your writing makes it easy for me to pictures scenes happening. everything is so vivid, and real (hence, the instant noodle cravings lol) and i love that so much. it’s so special.

the flow of this fic is amazing, the characterization is incredibly authentic and really helps with carrying the plot. you integrated lighthearted scenes with pure angst and awful things (easthaven) and i’m honestly curious as to the cowboy bebop episodes you took inspiration from. this fic was so well written, you are so skilled at introducing characters, locations, plot points, although i’m not familiar with this universe i wasn’t confused at any point. you explained everything without me noticing. this was just a breathtaking fic. thank you so much for writing this!!

[junker-town]

A WrestleMania 33 preview for people who don't watch wrestling

Going to a WrestleMania 33 viewing party? Here’s what you need to know.

So, you’ve been invited to a WrestleMania 33 watch party? First off: Congratulations for having friends who care enough about you to invite you into their home and are comfortable enough to disclose their love of WWE without fear of judgement. Now, being invited into a environment full of wrestling fans can be pretty daunting, but we’re here to help.

Essentially you’re coming to watch a TV show you haven’t seen all season and turning up for the finale. That’s what WrestleMania is. Storylines that have been developing for months will end, so we want to prep you as best we can to enjoy your evening by giving you a quick rundown on how each match got here.

WWE Championship Match Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton

Bray Wyatt looks like a murderer in True Detective and now has dreadlocks. He’s a Bayou cult leader who likes to kiss people on the forehead before ending them.

Randy Orton is a mound of muscle packed in a Speedo whose personality is based entirely around the idea he is emotionless and calculating like a snake.

How it got here: Orton pretended he was part of Wyatt’s cult then burned the compound to the ground.

Universal Championship Match Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar

Goldberg is a buff dad who breathes in sparks on the way to the ring, so it looks like he vapes. His body hair looks painted on and he wears adorable little shorts.

Brock Lesnar is a sentient piece of angry beef brisket that’s sponsored by Jimmy Johns. He beat people up in the WWE, then UFC, and now back in WWE he’s a mythic figure.

How it got here: They fought at WrestleMania 13 years ago and there needed to be some nostalgia on the card. Goldberg demolished Lesnar for no obvious reason so now this is happening, and with a title involved.

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

You probably know The Undertaker at this point. He’s big, he’s old, and people still love him. He’s only lost once at WrestleMania in history, to sandwich monster Brock Lesnar.

Roman Reigns is the physical embodiment of the word “fetch” from Mean Girls. There’s nothing functionally wrong with him, and he’s actually pretty good — but fans caught on to WWE jamming Reigns down their throat and hate him in defiance.

How it got here: WWE has wanted Reigns to be the next Undertaker for years, in terms of popularity and his place in the company. Now they’re going to try and force it come hell or high water. The set up for this match is weak and comes from Reigns eliminating Undertaker at the Royal Rumble, but the match could deliver if Undertaker doesn’t wrestle as old as he looks.

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

John Cena is a legend. Nikki Bella was one of the best women wrestlers before being injured. They’re a real-life couple who talk entirely too much about boning on Total Divas.

The Miz is a former reality TV star who is cocky. Maryse is his real-life wife. They don’t talk about boning even though they are also on Total Divas.

How it got here: Maryse hit Nikki Bella with a pipe and then Miz and Maryse made a series of videos making fun of WWE’s power couple. Now the couples are at war.

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Shane McMahon is the son of WWE owners Vince and Linda McMahon. He likes to shuffle around and punch the air a lot then occasionally get in the ring and do something silly looking and super dangerous.

AJ Styles is one of the best dang things in WWE and he’s stuck wrestling Shane McMahon.

How it got here: There’s a whole bunch of longstanding history beef from the dissolving of WCW here and inside business stuff that is boring. It’s basically a dude wanting to beat up his boss.

RAW Women’s Championship Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

Bayley is the plucky, hard-working paragon of virtue in WWE and everyone loves her because she’s just so dang good.

Charlotte Flair is Ric Flair’s daughter and is so great at acting evil and entitled.

Sasha Banks is Bayley’s real-life BFF who’s been relegated to sidekick way too much over the last year when in reality she’s probably the best superstar in this match. Don’t throw things at me please.

Nia Jax is awesome because she’s atypical of what WWE has looked for in women superstars in the past. She’s a powerhouse who will help change the pace of this match.

How it got here: Bayley and Charlotte have been feuding all year, Sasha got involved because she likes Bayley and Nia Jax just wants to kill everyone. Yanno, wrestling stuff.

United States Championship Match: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens

Chris Jericho is the aging rocker you unabashedly love even though his best years are behind him. Sure his nickname is Y2J and based around a computer disaster that never happened 17 years ago, but he’s fun.

Kevin Owens looks like someone who would work in the kitchen of a pizza restaurant. Then you see him move around and realize he’s 1,000 times more athletic than you will ever be despite being much bigger than you.

How it got here: Jericho and Owens used to be BFFs before Owens attacked his buddy. Then Jericho cost Owens the Universal Championship. Now they hate each other.

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H

Seth Rollins’ nickname is “Crossfit Jesus,” and you’ll realize why when you see him. He has a really long neck and a sweet beard and he’s awesome.

Triple H likes to climb in the ring once per year to prove he’s still got it. There will probably be some movie tie-in for his entrance, so don’t be surprised if he runs to the ring dressed like a minion or some shit. But like, a skeleton minion.

How it got here: Triple H is Rollins’ boss. Rollins used to like his boss. Now he doesn’t like his boss. Now he wants to fight his boss.

Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin

Dean Ambrose is the one guy in WWE I would be legitimately terrified of if he challenged me to a bar fight because I assume he has knives hidden everywhere. Just like a whole stack of knives pressed in a coat. That’s Dean Ambrose.

Baron Corbin is the kid from AV Club in high school cosplaying like a biker. He’s fine.

How it got here: Corbin crushed Ambrose with a forklift. Now he wants his title.

Champion Alexa Bliss to defend against all female SmackDown LIVE Superstars who are available to compete.

Alexa Bliss is an incredible young superstar who will absolutely lose the title because her boss doesn’t like her.

How it got here: Alexa Bliss’ boss doesn’t like her.

Raw Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Ladder Match Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus

Okay lots of big wrestleboys here so we’ll do it quick. The ladder got added at the last second, and they have to climb it and grab the titles to win.

Gallows and Anderson look like clones of bald accountants who dress up like daddies for Halloween.

Enzo and Cass are a walking episode of Jersey Shore and somehow make it work.

Sheamus is an angry pale Irishman who looks like a Dwarf Slayer. Cesaro is amazing and Swiss and possibly an irl video game character.

How it got here: The tag teams have no stories. They just get angry and fight each other which makes them angrier and fight more.

WrestleMania kickoff show: Airing before the main pay per view on WWE Network.

The Fourth Annual Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

A bunch of big men will stomp around a ring and throw each other out of it. This is what you thought wrestling was if you’ve never seen it before.

How it got here: Every year a bunch of big men stomp around a ring and try to throw each other out of it.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries

Neville is an angry British man who likes to fly though the air and do neat stuff. He had no real personality until he became evil. Austin Aries’ jackets are way too ostentatious to belong to a good guy, but we’re just rolling with it for now.