#I almost started crying listening to Abstract what is going on!!!!!!!!

[dizaryswrites]

The fact that I could make every single title of Whumptober an Unreal Unearth or Stick Season lyric is just.....an overwhelming amount of power....

[thethingything]

I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again

[parrythisucasual]

Perfect Imperfections

Pairing: Jax x Reader (Romantic) / Ragatha x Reader (Romantic) / Pomni x Reader (Platonic)

TW: Bullying (it’s Jax.) / Insecurities / Thoughts of body modification?

Content: You’re self-conscious about your overbite, others try to help.

REQUESTED BY @duskisnotactive

**************************************************************************************

You would have thought being digitalized would get rid of this kind of thing. Nobody else seems to have something like this, do they? You stared at your reflection in the mirror, lips pulled back in a grimace, staring at your teeth. Your overbite stared blankly back at you, almost teasingly.

Sighing, you turned away, closing your mouth once more. If only there was a way to get rid of it. You wished you could simply shove your jaw into place, and move your teeth around. You didn’t even care how badly it would hurt, as long as it was fixed…

A small knock at your door snapped you to reality. You shuffled over to it, cracking it slightly “Ragatha?” you questioned, your lovely ragdoll girlfriend smiling before you. Next to her, your best friend Pomni nervously stood. 

“Sweetie, can we come in? You’ve been hiding away for hours,” Ragatha spoke softly, reaching out and taking the door into her hand, opening it fully when you didn’t resist. “Sure… I wasn’t doing anything,” you shrug and retreat into your room, the girls on your heels. You settle onto your bed, Ragatha taking her place next to you while Pomni turns your desk chair around to sit.

“Have you been okay?” Pomni questions, glancing at you with that same worried look she normally wore, the only difference being this worry was more concern for you than anything else. “I’m fine,” you lie, knowing Ragatha would jump on that immediately. Really, you didn’t care.

“Sweetie, that's a lie, everyone knows something’s wrong,” she takes your hand, swirling small circles on your skin with her thumb, “please, tell us.” With a small sigh, you finally give in, “I… I don’t like… this,” you point to your mouth, feeling tears prick your eyes.

“What, your messed up teeth?” Your head shoots up, and you lock eyes with the smug-faced rabbit. “Jax!” Ragatha stands, placing herself between you, “who let you in?!” “Myself. The door wasn’t locked,” he swaggered into the room, one hand on his hip, “crybaby here still upset over their maw?”

You really start crying now. This was too much. You leap from your bed, running as fast and as far from him as you can. You didn’t know where you were going- you didn’t care. As long as you were alone, that's all that mattered. You ended up down by the digital lake, crying into your hands. 

You didn’t know how long you were there, alone, but it felt like hours. Not that time mattered in a place like this. Nothing did. You wondered if abstracting was really all that bad…

“Hey, toots.” That voice. You turned, and there he was in all his (lack of) glory. “What do you want?” you snarled weakly, trying to sound tougher than you felt. It wasn’t all that convincing, however, because he sat himself next to you.

“Look, that wasn’t supposed to make you that upset,” he shrugged casually. Was that supposed to be an apology? You stared at the water a moment longer, then stood, “Leave me alone. You’re the world’s biggest @#$%head and I wish it was you, not Kaufmo,” your words were tonless as you delivered them. You swore you saw pain flash in his eyes before you turned away, starting up the path back to the tent.

“Wait!” he called, “just… hear me out? Can I get that at least?” You stop, refusing to turn around to look at him, but listen. “You’re different, okay? You dint react to anything I say to you and it pisses me off. You don’t pay any attention to me.”

“That’s because I don't care about you,” you speak dangerously. “I know. And that just makes me want you to more.” You whip around, finally giving him the attention he wanted, “You want me to?! Then don’t make fun of the one thing I hate most about myself!” 

“But it’s what I like best,” he admitted, making you stop in your tracks, “it makes you look… good, okay? And if… if dollface ever doesn’t appreciate you… She's an idiot.” He finally stood, making his way past you, patting your head as he did so, “because I’d never take you for granted, okay? Anyways see ya later toots.” 

You watched him leave, back to his normal self. But something made you smile. Maybe he wasn’t so bad. After all, if he liked every part of you… who’s to say there isn’t something more to him too?

[mishsymishy]

Hi there! Could I request Ragatha, Zooble and Jax with someone who already comes kind of insane when they first arrive at the digital circus? Like having some glitches and abstracting for a couple of seconds? Thank you very much!

Thank you for making the request!(I loved the idea)

It is in drabble format, and it is friendship or romantic but it is more romantic

Warnings:Low self-esteem, panic, pain, rejection, handling, corrupted,Horrible jokes, angst.

Digital Circus x Reader having glitches and abstractions¡

Zooble!

- The first time they saw you, they thought that you were already lost, that you will probably become abstract soon or even now.

Well.., they was surprised to see how you go on and on well, as if the little glitches they gave you were nothing, I was a little admiring how you You still didn't fall into despair and well, end up like a black thing

-After being together for a long time, they starts to care about your constant glitches and abstractions,a little worried more and more that it will really get to the point where you lose control trying to find solutions to stop the glitches or abstracts , even if it is less than before

_You will have many talks, mostly to keep you mentally healthy, although well they too needs that. You tend to go to someone's room to talk or walk around, talking about your past lives or listening to Zooble complain about how unbearable everyone is. Although sometimes you also have talks about what you would do if you escaped and could finally be free

-Jax once bother you because you panicked and almost got a double abstraction eye on the back of your head, Zooble quickly managed to grab him by the neck again and threaten him that if he 'liked' abstractions so much he would be next one

-If you abstracted yourself, they wouldn't cry, but they would feel even worse about herself, as if they had failed you in everything they promised you. Making you believe that you could improve and both get out of there. Over time, they would also end up abstracted

Ragatha!

-She would really be scared to see how abstracted you are, after Kaufmo she's really afraid of being glitched or banged against the walls again. When she sees that you return to normal, she only looks at you strangely while thinking about what she just observed and how is that normal

-As he gets to know you better, he starts to ask a lot of questions about you and your health, etc. You even get the idea of ​​going to talk to Caine to see if he can solve your problem like he did with her and Pomni. When she sees your glitches he asks you if it's hurt. She, maybe, understands you a little And well, she maybe can help you reduce that little by little (At least that's what she thinks), trying to give you advice on what to do in a moment of stress just as she did with Ponmi.

-She worries a lot about you, trying to keep you from doing the hard things, like dealing with Caine's adventures as very difficult missions, and she just tells you to relax while she does all the work. Also try not to let others say bad things to you or even bother you, she really don't want to lose you! She is very overprotective of you like she was with Pomni, only much less so.

- The truth is that she loves you very much, she has captured you with affection and compassion, so if you finally corrupt yourself, She will feel bad too, only she would hit him twice as hard because she never felt too bad about her and now... hate herself a little too much, She feels like her only job was to take care of you and she just failed that simple thing. It will not become corrupt because it knows that there are still people who need her or that is what she wants to think. Oh, and I'm probably less patient now and more worried For your loss she will also have a small offering , like something that reminds her of you in a secluded place in her room.

Jax!

-At first he started insulting you, calling you strange or something like that and trying not to be with you relying on the excuse that you You were a bad and corrupted person and it was better to be away from you , try to convince everyone to stay away from you too using past reference like Kaufmo

-Then after having a mission with you and seeing how black things like abstractions came out of your body ,he was scared (and also worried) because of you.As he got to know you a little more he realized that you were just lost in your mind so you weren't that bad.

-He ends up caring about you but doesn't want to show it, if he gives you a glitch In public he won't say anything but then in private he will probably ask you everything about your mental and physical health.

-Many times he use your abstractions to scare someone, mostly Kinger, by telling them that you are also going to abstract like Kaufmo or Queenie , but if you tell him that you don't want him to make jokes about your problems, he will more or less stop doing it just because he loves you although I don't want to admit it at all.

I hope you liked it! sorry for the delay, a lot of study shit and thanks for make the request!

-If you become distracted, it is more or less that he will feel guilty for not having taken you seriously, for not having helped you so much, for laughing every time he saw something happen to you, thinking that it was not worrying. Surely now I'll stop making serious jokes on people. But he will also be much more depressed and wanting to leave that place.

-

—

Hope you like it! Sorry for the delay!

Please tell me if any pronoun or spelling is wrong, I use a translator and I don't know if some things are spelled correctly

[meowmarkie]

nct dream as yearning songs

a/n! This is for funzies only! I don’t know any of them personally so I’m only comparing and linking their behavior shown through videos with the behavior of those I know in real life (me included). And also, If you haven’t listened to any of these songs, PLEASE give them a listen bc I feel like it’ll help you guys better understand my vision :)

Mark - End Of Beginning, Djo

Just one more tear to cry, one teardrop from my eye

You better save it for

The middle of the night when things aren't black and white

Enter, Troubadour

"Remember 24?"

Mark’s always talking about finally beginning a project whenever he’s with the dreamies, so I always get reminded of this song (that’s not the only reason tho) once the “is it really starting this time?” teasing commences — even though it might pass as a “funny” quirk, the need to establish out loud that they are “restarting” or finally starting things as if from scratch, might be because of something deeper. Mark seems like the kind of guy who works hard and reminisces about his past, especially when it comes to where it all (ironically) started. He works so hard and is almost never relaxing or taking a vacation, he says he’s fine, but since I'm a workaholic as well, I can tell you guys that we always end up breaking down because of how much stuff we’re doing. So, in those overwhelming moments, I can imagine Mark looking back to when he was in Canada, being able to rest and take in all the small pleasures the world can offer, not having to worry about his image, his feelings, his needs or if he’s “korean enough” to be working as an idol (idk about you guys, but that distinction between being a pure korean vs a mixed korean would drive me insane. I’d be so upset to always have to prove myself and prove that part of my nationality), reminiscing about the times when he was full of dreams, peace, and most importantly, energy.

You take the man out of the city, not the city out the man

Renjun - Abstract (Psychopomp), Hozier

See how it shines

Renjun is a very simple and honest man; he knows what he likes, what he doesn’t and knows how to set up his boundaries. However, he’s really sensible when it comes to life (in ALL its meanings), which is why I’m reminded of this song whenever I think of him. I’m grateful for all the things Renjun has shared with us, such as his mental health, hobbies and just his personality in general. Abstract is a song that shows how much its “subject” is sensible, brave (for jumping into traffic in order to rescue the dying/already dead animal) and never seems to catch a break, while the one singing (in this case, Hozier) can only take in the sight, not being able to do anything to help. In this analogy, Renjun is the subject and his friends/family/fans are Hozier, y’all. I feel like he strives to protect those he loves, and yearns for their well being when he can’t do anything to help.

(it was tough to choose just a small part of the song, when in fact, in my opinion, the whole thing describes him so well)

The speed that you moved

The screech of the cars

The creature still moving

That slowed in your arms

The fear in its eyes

Gone out in an instant

Your tear caught the light

The Earth from a distance

Jeno - Yes To Heaven, Lana Del Rey

If you go, I'll stay

You come back, I'll be right here

Like a barge at sea

In the storm, I stay clear

We’ve got ourselves a lover boy! No surprises there, I think. Even though this song comes from a female point of view, I think it still describes Jeno really well. Getting back on track, I feel like this suits him given the fact that when he likes someone, he likes someone — if he feels strongly like that, it’s even more intense when it comes to his loved ones, hence the song. Jeno would do anything in the world for his partner, and that includes fighting for them, to keep them by his side even if things get incredibly tough. 

His reason to yearn would be his person, before he even managed to win them over. Jeno would yearn for a life next to his loved one, for their acceptance and approval of him — nothing would make him happier than hearing a yes from his lover.

Say yes to Heaven

Say yes to me

Haechan - Gilded Lily, Cults

Now it's been long enough to talk about it

I've started not to doubt it, just wrap my head around it

I remember when you told me it's an everyday decision

But with my double vision, how was I supposed to see the way?

This boy is one of the most hard-working human beings on earth, methinks. Because he’s always giving, exposing and donating parts of himself to the world, not gaining anything back… The amount of hate and fake news he gets thrown at him is insane, being the reason why I always think of him when listening to this song. He has the biggest heart ever, and he pays the price for it every single day of his life. Haechan’s personality is bright and it should shine as much as it needs to, he might look overly confident but I wouldn’t doubt that in fact, he’s totally insecure about himself and about his skills, lost in the world yearning for appreciation. Gilded Lily suits him so much it actually pains me to make this connection anywhere other than my brain.

His hard work isn’t half as repaid as it should be. Some “fans” should be embarrassed to call themselves such when the first thing they do is to attack Hae.

Haven't I given enough, given enough?

Always the fool with the slowest heart

But I know you'll take me with you

We'll live in spaces between walls

Jaemin - Chemtrails Over The Country Club, Lana Del Rey

I'm on the run with you, my sweet love

There's nothing wrong contemplating God

Under the chemtrails over the country club

In another life, I believe that Jaemin could’ve been living peacefully in a suburb, white picket fences and all. This song is filled with nostalgia and the wish to run away with your loved one, which painfully reminds me of Jaemin. He’s the perfect man, the perfect gentleman even, so that’d make his partner want to elope with him. However, this image of him resides only in my (and now, your) imagination — that’s why I chose this song for him. Whenever I take in anything that Jaemin does, I can help but think about how I’d feel in his shoes: he had the plan to become a doctor, did charity work, played the piano, got good grades and was handsome. Having such high standards and some fondness towards the academic way of life, would I be 100% satisfied living an idol life? The answer is no, ergo my need to choose this song for him. If my hunch about Jaem is correct, he’d be yearning for the possibilities of having another life, especially when it comes to love. From what he has shown us, he wouldn’t be the type to voluntarily want to hide his loved one — I feel like he’d want to boast to the world about them.

I interpret this song as a life the singer would like to have had with their loved one, but couldn’t since the opportunity passed, and is now cursed to live forever with their “what ifs”.

My love, my love

Washing my hair, doing the laundry

Late night TV, I want you on me

Like when we were kids

Under chemtrails and country clubs

It's never too late, baby, so don't give up

Chenle - loml, Taylor Swift

If you know it in one glimpse, it's legendary

You and I go from one kiss to gettin’ married

Still alive killing time at the cemetery

Never quite buried

In your suit and tie, in the nick of time

You lowdown boy, you standup guy

You Holy Ghost, you told me I'm

The love of your life

I apologize in advance to all you Chenle stans out there for bringing this up, but… IT NEEDS TO BE SAID. He fits this song so much it’s actually insane. He doesn’t have many regrets in his life (as said by the man himself), so in a world in which he’d yearn, it’d definitely be because of love, hence why his song is loml. Chenle wouldn’t be able to get over his first love, leading to countless daydreaming sessions and longing sighs. He’d reminisce about his time with the person, over analyzing everything that was said and done, remembering even the smallest things the other person said he didn’t care about. Losing something makes you realize what that thing really meant, thus creating the eternal heartache of knowing that you took it for granted — despite all the fights and wrong-doings, Chenle would never be able to forgive himself for losing the person he loved.

His first love would stay with him forever, but as time goes by, they’d be only a soft memory instead of a lingering sadness.

Our field of dreams, engulfed in fire

Your arson's match, your somber eyes

And I'll still see it until I die

You're the loss of my life

Jisung - Brother, Kodaline

If I was dying on my knees

You would be the one to rescue me

And if you were drowned at sea I

'd give you my lungs so you could breathe

If there’s one quality I’d use to describe Jisung, It’d be loyalty. He’s extremely loyal towards his hyungs, and that’s why I chose this song for him. Once the dreamies weren’t a fixed unit, Jisung shared his fear of being alone, and without his older brothers by his side, he knew not of what the future had in store for him. Hence why the lyrics (this one in particular: When we were young, we were the ones // The kings and queens, oh yeah we ruled the world) and just the “desperate” vibes of the song scream Park Jisung. He loves the dreamies so much that losing them would be as devastating as losing one of his family members. We don’t get to see the clingy and soft side of Jisung as much as the boys do, but just because we as fans don’t experience it, doesn’t mean that they can’t feel it. 

There’s just not much to say besides that he loves his members to the point of sacrificing himself for them.

I’ve got you brother

The whole group - Home, Edith Whiskers ver.

We laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night

Nothing new is sweeter than with you

I couldn’t do something like this without mentioning the dark period of when Mark was removed from the unit (sorry in advance <3), so here it is! Home would be their song from when they missed Mark, and kept reminiscing about their debut and previous comeback when their leader and older brother was still there with them. The song might come from a romantic point of view, but it’s just as fitting for a friend group, therefore making it perfect to describe the dreamie’s situation.

Losing someone important is awful, especially when that person is “removed” from your day-to-day life thanks to other people’s choices — it isn’t fair, and I’m sure the boys felt this way for a long period of time until they could shine again with Mark by their side. They’ve never been better and nct dream is now on the way to become even more powerful than before, and for that I’m incredibly proud of the children they were, who maintained themselves strong and brave throughout a heartbreaking moment. The dreamies deserve the best and my heart is at ease to see that their recognition is finally arriving. They are my home, and I’m sure they are your home as well :)

Oh, home, let me come home

Home is wherever I'm with you

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c4. The waltz of the Snowflakes.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs.

song to listen to when reading this: Harden my heart, Quarterflash.

abstract: he can get fucked, and his captain too. it's Jude if you haven't noticed. I have nothing more to add really, he's an ass and I'm not getting paid enough to deal with this shit, see ya. also, forgive me for the swearing it's a real problem I know!!

Well. That didn't exactly go to plan. Simon Whatever, what the fuck is your problem? She called a friend while driving home. 'Salvo, io gli volevo mettere le mani addosso, stu scemu…’ She was going over the speed limit, holding her phone with one hand. ‘Una merda Salvo, mi hanno mandato via come una cretina, son andata, ho parlato, mi ha detto non si puoi fare guagliù, chi cazz si pe me dicr chell c’agg fa oh!’

Now, to all my readers, I will translate. Jude speaks dialect when she's mad, bare with her. Her voice usually drooped an octave when she spoke it to accommodate the guttural and rough sounds of her language. Swear words that would make your racist grandad cry. She was calling Salvatore, she met him in 2021, he was currently deployed in South Korea. She told him she wanted to hit him, she said, they sent me away without hearing me out, they said what you're suggesting can't be done. 'Scusa, cosa hai proposto tu?' She loved Salvo, he was so understanding, he could read her mind. It was refreshing, when she found out he was from the same country as her. Speaking a bit of Italian with him was a break from all the English, the accents and the words she didn't know how to pronounce. 'Cosa ho detto, ho proposto che lo seguissero, anche grazie al cazzo vorrei dire… ( I refuse to translate all the swearing, Jude.) Questi vogliono aspettare e non fare nulla, però mi fanno perdere tempo con ste cazz'e riunioni!' (This means, 'I told them to follow him, obviously. They don't want to do anything, they want to wait and see, and yet they make me go out of my way for these fucking meetings.')

Salvo tried to reassure her that it wasn't really her problem, to which she replied, Arash was her patient. He asked her about the captain, she commented he stood there, watched her argue with his guard dog Lieutenant without saying a word. Coward, she called him. Who's the Lieutenant, he then asked. She told him, maybe she messed up the name a bit, but he seemed to recognise him. 'No, veramente?' He asked. 'Il Fantasma'. That made sense, you know, the mask an all. He told her he was quite famous for his mask and his story, which he didn't fully know. Lots of trauma I think, you could work with him. She parked her car in front of the dance school and got her bag. 'Non me ne fott, possono fare quello che vogliono, non sono io che ci rimetto. Lui nu strunz, fammi dire…' She explained she didn't care anymore and that they could do whatever they wanted. He was a dick, that's what she added, probably referring to the famous Lieutenant.

The girls could sense she wasn't having the best day and didn't want to mess with her. They stood quiet and avoided their usual chatting. They did warm up, barre and some center, she sent them off early. 'Miss Alba, we're gonna start rehearsals soon? For the Nutcracker.' It was Luna that spoke. She almost forgot. 'Yes girls next time.' Shit.

The Waltz of the Snowflakes. That's what she was gonna have to teach them. The owner of the school was crazy, the piece was way too difficult for her class. She didn't have time or strength to explain the piece was not meant for girls that young, she would have to simplify it. She put on a video on her laptop, trying to remember the best she could the original piece. She stripped of her leg warmers and her black shrug. Her mind kept wandering off the meeting with Price, not letting her concentrate. She was mad. Not because she didn’t get her way, they were the ones dying in the Middle East, not her. But because it was fucking humiliating. As a woman as well, you know. Maybe she made a mistake, going in there looking all pretty. But again, why would she sacrifice herself just to earn some basic respect? After she failed her pirouettes for the third time, she decided it was time to go home. She would talk to Arash and, if needed, follow him on her own.

notes: Since this is a shorter chapter (I've been incredibly busy with uni and work), here are some details about Jude:

height: 5’2’’ - eye colour: green - hair colour: blonde

traits: mole on her cheek, slightly crooked nose. mole on her right butt cheek, scar on her knee. at least 30 smaller moles all over her body. small boobie queen.

if she was a colour: dark blue

if she was an animal: killer whale

if she was a place: a forest

if she was a food: spicy pho - motto: for the plot

favourite position in bed: on top/doggy

favourite part of her body: eyebrows, hips

what she looks for in boys: loyalty, someone stable, good manners, honesty.

tattoos: big flower on her back, her grandmas house on ribcage with ivy on it, lavander flower between breasts, dagger on right arm, wine glass and whisky sour ingredients. nike (goddess of victory) statue on left arm, goth looking stars and white ferrari doodle. oui, non written on both knees. heaven written on ankle made with stick and poke needle.

loves to talk about: time, space, her dog, humanity, world wars, greek mythology, vegan recipes, life after death.

do not talk about: her family, weight, fire, not being the best in school and at work.

she would like to: try hotpot, paint pottery, start a podcast, go on more hikes, visit thailand, get another dog, attend a wedding.

she will never: have kids, get married, go to australia, go skiing again after she fell, have plastic surgery, drink beer.

if you’d like to know more stuff about her let me know!!

notes: Salvatore, Salvo for short, is a common southern Italy male name. Salvatore means 'the saviour', Salvo means 'safe'. Full translation of the speech: 'Salvo, I wanted to hit him, this fucker. It went to shit Salvo, they sent me away like I was stupid, I went there I told them what I thought, he said we can't do that, who the hell are you to tell me what I can and cannot do?' 'Sorry, what did you say to them?' 'I told them to follow him, obviously. They don't want to do anything, they want to wait and see, and yet they make me go out of my way for these fucking meetings.'

'No, veramente? Il Fantasma' means 'no, seriously? The Ghost.'

notes: if you want to hear what the dialect sounds like you can hear it in the tv series 'Gomorra' on YouTube.

taglist:

@ummmmmwat @ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

[spyral-out-keep-going]

Ok Hozier concert thoughts in order of the set list but also no order for the random things I remember

Awesome venue (Blossom Amphitheater). If I lived closer I’d go to so many shows. Also we drove through a little bit of the Cuyahoga National Park on our way out. It was a dark forest but would love to go back someday

Cool set! It looked like a scarf kinda, then the lighting and visuals changed it and the “scarf fringe” became the roots underground! Which like makes way more sense - it’s related to the album duh (yes I did have an edible before the show)

Opener Joy Oladokun was fantastic! Will be listening to more of her music. (Also the way she left the stage was so cool. The guitar sounded on all atmospheric and it was just neat)

Omg Hozier and band started off with De Selby pt 1 & 2 and it was magical. Like. It sounds like the album. But better even??

Also we stood up when he came out and didn’t sit down once - the energy was up!

Jackie & Wilson, From Eden - yes yes love them!

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene was another one that somehow? Was better live

Dinner and Diatribes - loved the visuals they had on the screen at the back of the main stage and off to the sides. (I posted a short clip of this one)

Speaking of I didn’t record any whole song, just tried to catch all the talking bits between songs. He named all kinds of crew (and individual thank yous. Very nice) and at the end we all sang happy birthday to one of his crew team members!

There one bit where Hozier was like if you’re down there then who’s up here on stage? And the screen shows a dude with Hozier-like hair and beard got the crowd laughing - funny guy!

Next song was Francesca - 10/10 beautiful one of my favorites I love it

It Will Come Back - excellent dirty guitar and the lows he gets to make me shiver

Like Real People Do - so pretty

I, Carion (Icarian) - SO HAPPY he played this I wanted to cry

Abstract (Psychopomp) - he introduced it by of course mentioning the animal thdid mention before they started playing that “it ends on a happy note because it died a very quick death. It was fine. It didn’t suffer. Too long. It didn’t suffer too long. Happy Tuesday” (And that is a direct quote because I got that on video). Like… Sir 😆 Happy Tuesday I guess lol

Would That I - chilling the vibe a bit more - but got the crowd harmonizing which sounded so great

Just to get the crowd hype for Too Sweet!

Almost (Sweet Music) - beautiful vibes again

Eat Your Young - his voice hitting those high notes!

And of course Take Me to Church - powerful beautiful and got the progress flag out at the end 💗

They all went off stage but he came back alone (now hair up in a ponytail!) for an acoustic Cherry Wine performance. Gorgeous

Unknown - I will sha la la anytime anywhere

Nina Cried Power - another one of my favorites! And he introduced it by of course mentioning Ms. Mavis Staples and how big and small ways we can make a difference each day, and segued into the power of protest and what it’s achieved and then basically repeated what he said at Lolla (& maybe other shows?) about calling for ceasefire and a free Palestine and contacting our representatives. Like over 5 minutes and well worth it because it needs to be said. and acted upon.

Last one was Work Song. Just a perfect end.

So many kudos to the band

And seriously a tornado touched down in the area so the venue told everyone to shelter in our cars so my friend and I watched the clouds for a funnel and heard the sirens a few times and thankfully it passed and the show went on! Just a 30 minute delay of the gate opening. I know everyone there was manifesting the end to the severe weather lol

I will definitely try to see him live again. 100% with every penny! Oh yeah and Hozier thanked everyone and recognized the money spent to see him and other artists.

Very classy guy. Quality

[psydelta]

Imagine this: Bruce doesn't understand the concept of death.

He has pretty developed abstract thinking but this concept just. Evades him. He simply doesn't understand and has no intention to. Death is a social construct, and Bruce refuses to follow it.

It has so much crack potential but I'd like to see some DRAMA. Like, when his parents are shot in front of him, Bruce goes "nope, I refuse" and simply drives the whole concept of death out of his head. Instead he tells himself that "they'll be taken to the hospital and be fine". He anchors down with them, holds their hands and waits for help. Imagine Joe Chills terror when this child looks at him with horrified expression and goes "That must really hurt! Why did you do this?" and takes bloody hands of his dead parents muttering reassuring things and constant stream of you'll be okays and this will heals.

After Alfred takes Bruce home, he tries to explain that his parents are dead. But Bruce just looks at him with big eyes and says: "But they're in the hospital, and doctors will help them, right?" Alfred tries again and again, and eventually Bruce goes into full-blown tantrum and refuses to listen, covers his ears and goes hiding. Alfred doesn't have a heart to try this again.

And after days, then weeks, Bruce starts asking about his parents. Shouldn't he and Alfred go check on them? Why aren't they home already? What's happening? Where are they? And Alfred explains again: "They are dead, Master Bruce. They'll never come back, they are dead". But Bruce doesn't hear "dead" . He nods as if he totally and completely understands and hears "abandoned you" instead. Because being alive and abandoning him is better than being dead.

He lives with this. With the thought that his parents couldn't put up with him - put up with Gotham - anymore. He imagines their new life and shows hand-drawn pictures of them - alive and happy and in the midst of craziest adventures 10-year-old can come up with - and Alfred excuses himself after to cry alone every time.

Bruce forsed into therapy. It's not healthy to just forget about death; it's not healthy to live in such complete denial. And he goes, willingly, without complaints. He talks about problems at school, about his fears and anxieties that had gotten worse after his parents left him. He talks about them at length - mother's kindness and warmth, father's guidance and patience - and cries. And every time his therapists try to tell him: "But they're dead, Bruce", he gets this blank look in his eyes for a second and goes quiet and still. His sessions last for three years; Alfred thinks about fourth and does nothing.

After that it is still the same path - Bruce decides that he must help Gotham, seeks training, becomes Batman, all that drill. He fosters Dick - and loves him with all his heart. They fight, Dick leaves, and Bruce thinks that maybe it's not Gotham - maybe it's just him.

He finds Jason - hungry and miserable and too angry to be alone. He takes him under his wing, and makes him Robin, and everything is not fine - Dick still doesn't come home but at least he picks up the phone - but it's good. Bruce is good. He content with his life.

And then Jason dies.

It uproots everything. Dick comes home to scream at Bruce about his dead- something, they wasn't brothers truly, but Dick started to accept Jason as his successor. He screams himself to exhaustion. He turns to leave again. And then Bruce pulls down his cowl and says: "I understand that you are upset. It's my fault that Jason is in this condition. It'll take a lot of time to heal but hell be fine, Dick. I promise."

Dick is frozen. He stands with his mouth open, unable to form one coherent thought, until Alfred guides him away with a gentle touch on the elbow and explains Bruce's inability to understand death in hushed voice. Dick doesn't believe him. Not at first. Not until he sees Bruce talking at Jason's corpse with almost serene smile on his face and then Dick out of the cave to promptly retch into the nearest toilet. It's too much.

It's too much for Alfred too. He doesn't know what Bruce sees inside his mind, when the are at the wake and coffin is lowered into open maw of the grave. But Bruce talks to Jason - and Alfred doesn't listen after "I'll wait for you, son, as long as I need".

And the worst part? Jason does come back.

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

okay what’s your analysis of this album. also the mv that debacuhery kind of aesthetic god *chef’s kiss*

I was so excited last night when the album and the MV came out. I had so much adrenaline in my body lmao. Then this morning I woke up, had to go out so I played the album on spotify while I was out, walking. Later, I came home and the interlude was playing again and I started ugly crying at that bit of Jimin introducing himself at the concert.

Well, it's obviously a sad album. There's so much frustration and loneliness and disappointment at oneself in almost every verse of every song. Musically, as far as sound and music genres go, I love all of it. I think it sounds expensive, polished, high quality. He sounds better than ever and his voice is so dynamic, changing with every line, every song. It should be talked more often the way he's able to mold his voice to every music genre. I really don't have much to say about the sound overall because I honestly love every bit of it. I've been enjoying listening to all of the songs, they're just good good songs. It should even be a longer album, imo. But also the songs that are there are kind of enough to send the intended message across.

Face-off starting with that clown music is just genius. To me this song feels like a critic to himself and talks about self-sabotage. I don't really think it's about anyone in particular, but just an abstract song about realizing that you've made a fool of yourself for whatever reason. I know it's a 180 from that but it actually made me think of how in Promise he talks to himself /about himself in the third person. It starts strong, talking about drinking, which is the persistent theme throughout the whole album.

Alone is a very consistent track with the overall concept of the album and the explanations Jimin himself gave for it. You could probably sum up the whole album in just two songs: Alone and Set Me Free pt2. If we go by credits order, alone it's the song Jimin had the most participation in writing and it does have the most raw, realest lyrics. In the first verse he does that thing of talking about himself in the third person "you tried to escape but you've lost your way". The line "always acting like I'm okay, I feel pathetic" really gets me. It's not really a song that needs any analysis, since it's all laid out pretty clearly. Face-off, for me when I read the lyrics, it feels like choices were made to fit the lyrics to a certain beat/rythm/concept/vibe, and not like the lyrics are the spotlight or the focus of the song. On the other hand, alone does come across as a song where the lyrics are the most important part of it. When I wrote about set me free in a different post, I talked about how my personal interpretation had to do with being stuck, with repetition and something you can't get out of; then the filming episode was posted and Jimin actually said that it was about that, the feeling of being in a hamster wheel. Alone touches upon that again. The same day, the same miserable feelings repeating over and over. Lyrically, alone is my favorite.

Letter is so beautiful. So soooo pretty and I wish it would've been in the album because it feels like a nice wrap to it. Like after all the chaos and self-hate, there's that song that's forgiving, warm and hopeful. I don't really think it's a romantic song; going by the references it really sounds like it's for army and it aligns also with the way he's talked in 2021 about how their "relationship" with army has changed from the beginning until now. I do think having Jungkook on the song was unnecessary because his background vocals aren't even that outstanding (in this song). But that's JK, he's been singing songs for army since forever so that's probably a reason why Jimin might've wanted to include him. I think Jimin said he will talk about this song when he goes live on the 29th.

I left like crazy for the end because this one is all over the place for me. The lyrics, the references, the MV, the choreo (that I haven't seen but we've all read the things people at the recording said), the explanations Jimin has given. There's like a million interpretations and then also none at all. You could take so many meanings from it depending if you're analyzing the MV, the lyrics, the things Jimin has said, later tonight when we watch the choreo that too will probably make it even more complicated than it already is LMAO.

Firstly, I think one of the reasons there could be so many angles to it and for the lyrics to be kind of... strange? It's because there's so many writers in the song. There are seven credited writers in this song, both the Korean and English version, and Jimin is second to last in contribution. Meaning that 5 other people probably had more input in the lyrics. I don't think that lyrically the song makes a lot of sense with all of the stuff that's been said about it. Is it about the movie, is it about Jimin's personal experiences, is it romantic, is it about sex, is it about a break up???

I was confused by the "she", at first. I was waiting for the Korean lyrics to come out because I wanted to see if Jimin had written it with pronouns. I geniunely didn't think it was something like him, to write a pronoun at all. And he actually didn't. If we go by this, he just wrote "baby".

I'm pretty sure the "she" was added by the other writers, to fit the beat better or to give it more sense to the whole concept. It's just a really random "she" at the beginning of the song.

Things Jimin has said about the song and what it means:

This song to me feels sadder with every listen lmao. My first time watching the MV, without subtitles or lyrics, what I got from it was that he was lost and lonely between the crowds. Again, the feeling like in set me free, of being there but not really being part of anything. There's couples kissing, and groups of friends in the MV, and some moments he's with them but for most of it he's just alone. Even the part where he's standing over the couple kissing, it doesn't feel like that's meant to represent him and a girl either, to me it's all about being alone while everyone else has someone.

I didn't get the feeling that there was a love interest, and I actually find the girl that's "wandering" kind of unnecessary because it leads nowhere...? I feel like they could've gone all the way and show them as a couple/exes if it was the intention, because it's safe. But that didn't happen. I don't know if the choreography will be more "romantic", but from what people have been saying it sounds like it could be more about just mindless touching, meaningless human interactions that are just a distraction for something else. That, I understand; I do get that from the MV and it makes sense with the explanation that Jimin gave about it being a song in which you're just trying to escape from feelings you don't want to -well, face. In the English version there's a line that says "numbing the pain", which is quite literal.

If I think about the movie, the characters are both alone in different parts of the world and they both date other people while still missing each other and never really letting go of what they had. They didn't get any closure. I could see that in the half-assed metaphor with the girl and how she and Jimin are "searching" for each other but never really getting together. In the movie, they're constantly trying to make it work but it just doesn't work. The characters are stuck in the past (again, a recurring theme in the album), and they keep trying to be together but it gets to the point where it's like "are we trying to make this work because we still love each other or because we're clinging to what we used to be?". It's in those particular feelings that the movie evokes where Jimin explanation makes sense, that it's about losing yourself because you want to stay in that fairytale with a loved one. Even if that daydream-like experience has already passed and now it's just painful and draining and a neverending circle of self-loathing because they can't be that same couple again.

Before the song/MV were out, a friend and I talked about how it would be about separation, and I thought that it could be about BTS, even. Then, Jimin actually said this:

And this:

I think it's another valid angle from which you could interpret this song, too. It would even make sense with the timing, because he said he was feeling like that during their Vegas concerts, and that was the last moments BTS were together as a group. Though I wouldn't necessarily take his words so literally. He said it began at those concerts, so it probably went on for a while after that. The songs are in order for a reason, and like crazy is one of the last songs of the album.

All in all, to me it really is unclear if this song was written based on his personal experience, a real romantic break up he actually went through, or if he was going through something else (disbandment) that he related to the story in the movie.

As for a general commentary about the album, I think he did a fantastic job at blurring the line and making songs where the subject is ambiguous. The songs can be read as being about other people, failed relationships, or they could even be read as self-criticism.

[call-me-lil-sunshine]

Trouble Maker's point of view

Chapter 2

Declaimer!: This is kind of a rewriting of original TFP series. This is just for fan so please no hate, some points of plot may not line with original one, sorry for that :) The main character has her own bio in previous post, you can read it but there are major spoilers, so if you want to have a full experience just jump right into my story. Enjoy <3

Small room with one little window, to see the starry sky. Bed, table, chair, what else does she need? Trouble was sitting here whole day. Just sitting. Thinking. Better to say rethinking her whole life to this point. All 10 years that she was there, on the moon, she stupidly thought that her mother was still alive. Why? If she was alive she would return to her, she would never abandon her child… So why does Trouble thought that she is still alive? That was very stupid… Tears started forming in the corners of her eyes, and immediately started running down her cheeks. Seventh time already. She couldn't stop. That's the main reason why she was still sitting in the room even though she spent 10 freaking years to finally escape the moon and find someone alive. She just couldn't stop crying.

No, why is she doing it to herself? Yes, her loved ones are dead but she finally is not alone. She can just go out and talk, and listen, and look people in the eyes! Though, almost all of transformer here look the same, all black and purple, and no face showing, absolutely different from her fellow scientists. But what was she expecting? These guy's are soldiers, warriors, of course they look tougher. Especially Optimus Prime, their leader, he looks so threatening! That made Trouble think, how powerful he is? He looks very strong… Strong… The gravity here is pretty strong. Absolutely different from the moon gravity, that is interesting… And uncomfortable, she is not used to it, she feels really heavy. And all of her fighting skills might be in question here, that though gave her the idea.

"I should train… It will certainly help me"

Yes, physical activity helps to distract yourself. That's what she was doing the last 10 years. She is an expert in abstracting from reality.

Megatron told everyone to treat this girl patiently. He was just having fun with this lonely child, who could think that such surprises will appear? He told Decepticons to call themselves Autobots for some time, and call him Optimus. Oh how he likes that, very refreshing. Life becomes fun again. Yea, of course, this is a small little lonely Autobot, it makes it 10 times funnier to mess with her. Yes, there is no constructive reason for him to do it, this girl probably won't help him, and she is absolutely no threat. Though, maybe he could make a good deal out of it, trade her for something with Optimus. He probably doesn't know her, but this guy is willing to save everyone, especially a child. That could work...

"Mister Prime."

Quiet voice broke through Megatron's thoughts. Little bot was walking beside him through the corridor of the ship. Fun begins.

"Oh, child, you feel better already? All tears gone?"

He was laughing at her inside, but outside tried to look very caring. He just thought about how Optimus would react and tried mocking him, that was surprisingly easy, he knew him very well.

"Um…" Trouble felt a little embarrassed, but, what could she do? She can't turn off her emotions. "Yes… Also, I'm not a child…"

"Well, comparing to how old I am you are certainly a child. How many cycles have you lived already?" "Eh… Cycles? H-how many Earth-spinning-around-the-sun is that?.."

Trouble looked at Megatron with a very confused eyes. Somehow she managed to show emotions even though her face was very still. Or maybe Megatron is just imagining it.

"How pathetic... don't tell me your "incredible" mother didn't teach you Cybertronian counting system?"

Megatron laughed at her, oh this stupid Autobots couldn't even teach their children to count cycles. He thought for a moment that maybe they didn't expect her to be able to survive even one cycle. That makes sense, she is so pathetically small and weak...

"She didn't have a chance..."

Trouble lowered her head, looking at the floor. There it is, sadness again. She didn't understand how rode Megatron was right now, so many years of loneliness took away her social skills. Her sadness only warmed Megatron's spark. He had no tolerance to any kind of Autobot, though this one wasn't even annoying. Maybe because she wasn't aggressive, she naively believed him, it was the funniest of all.

Trouble shook her head, trying to concentrate again.

"I wanted to ask... is there a place here where I can train?" "Train?" Megatron smirked. "What are training? Jumping and running?"

Decepticon was very skeptical about her words. She is weak and stupid, what does she even mean? But he was quiet surprised with her answer.

"Well... Running and jumping is included in my training, but I also need to train my fighting. It is affected by the different gravitation, also I thought maybe your soldiers could teach me a thing or two, I learned how to fight from the scientists you know. But I also gotta see if my shooting is affected by gravitation..."

Megatron stopped.

"Are you trying to tell me that this little weak body actually knows how to fight? I doubt that." "Well, I am definitely not as good as you, but I know a couple moves that can save my life."

Damn, she actually speaks like a grow up...

"And shooting?"

Leader of Decepticons already started rethinking everything that he planned for this weakling, when second phrase hit him.

"I am a sniper. Very good sniper."

Megatron brought the girl to the training room. It was large and obviously armored, so that no one would break through the walls of the ship with their attacks. It is not clear who exactly could do such a thing, because all the Decepticons were too weak to do such a thing, and Megatron, after so many years of fighting, could definitely control himself, although who knows.

Trouble looked around the room. She wasn't used to training indoors, the Moon had… the Moon for that. You go outside and shoot at targets. And here, some fancy devices everywhere, some swords, cannons, all that… Yea, this is not training with scientists, these are real soldiers.

"It's interesting in here." "Huh, you probably have never seen how real warriors train..." "Oh really? You think so?"

Trouble didn't like how "Optimus" talked down to her, how she could have seen if she was alone on the moon for 10 years? And before that she only had scientists by her side, who obviously were not very skilled warriors? Megatron was surprised by such rudeness. He thought that the Autobots were all very polite from birth, yes, such a strange and unjustified stereotype. Although… It's not important, the important thing is that obviously the girl without society completely forgot about all the rules of behavior, well, ok…

"You're too rude for an Autobot" "You too."

Megatron's eyes widened in surprise, and the girl continued to look at him with a completely emotionless look, although now it seemed to him that she was even a little angry. But to Trouble's surprise, the man…Laughed??? He was amused by the way Trouble answered him. She was really brave, for someone who couldn't take down Megatron even in a parallel universe. The girl really didn't understand what exactly made the older man laugh, but it seems like it was a good sign…

"Come on, show what you can do, I don't have all day."

Megatron said wiping away a tear that had rolled down his eye from laughing. Trouble pulled her sniper rifle from behind her back and scanned the room. There were several targets in front of her, all at different distances from her. She intercepted the rifle more conveniently, and with three light shots hit exactly in the middle of each of the targets. The man just grunted, folding his arms across his chest.

"Well, anyone can hit static targets. Although… Knockout probably wouldn't, he's a terrible shot. But he's more of an exception to the rule…"

Megatron was not strongly impressed, although it was obvious that the girl could shoot. Trouble looked around again, a bomb caught her eye, a small portable explosive device. Trouble came up and took it in her hands, held it a little in her hand…

"What are you going to do?" "Will this room withstand an explosion?" "Of course, it was built for that." "Great."

Trouble moved closer to the exit to leave more free space in the room. She tossed the bomb into the opposite wall, and as it flew, Trouble turned her back to it and aimed her rifle in the direction of the bomb. Megatron was a little confused by what was happening, it all looked like some kind of nonsense to him. But when the girl fired, and at that moment the bomb exploded somewhere under the ceiling, with a very loud bang.

If this room hadn't been designed just for such situations, they probably wouldn't have had a ceiling anymore, but luckily, it was intact. Megatron was surprised, he covered himself with his hand when he felt the explosion, so he remained intact, but apparently some of the devices in that room were ruined forever. Yes, Megatron was really surprised, even astonished. In shock that this little girl came up with such a thing, in shock that she managed to do it, and in shock that she aimed successfully. Maybe to the other transformers it would just be a show off or some kind of clever trick, maybe she activated the bomb when she set it off? Maybe she tricked him! But when the smoke from the explosion dissipated a little, the man saw only traces of the explosion itself, and no damage from the shot, so she really hit…

The man stood quietly, thinking about everything he saw, while Trouble returned, inspecting her work, and quietly watching how the elder reacted to it. He clearly wasn't angry, even though she expected him to be. Her scientists often quarreled with Trouble when she did even minor damage in the laboratory, but "Optimus" was… Of a different opinion. The man was very intelligent, he perfectly understood what this meant. And that's why he was now very seriously considering what to say to her.

"It's... Impressive..." "Really?"

Megatron looked at the girl in surprise. But one glint in her eyes was enough to understand — she had never heard a praise. At least not the last 10 years… She's just a child. A child who can and wants to kill Megatron… He needs to act fast.

"Yes, I've never seen such sharp shooters… In our war, to be honest, I haven't seen snipers in a long time." "Really? Why? Snipers are very useful on the battlefield-" "Yes, I know, snipers can easily kill all the important transformers, just hide them better and give them a stronger rifle… That's why I… That's why Megatron haunted down them all, they ruined all his plans… That's why.. ."

Megatron moved closer to the girl, placing his hand on her shoulder and squeezing tightly, copying Optimus. He always did that when he wanted to support other Autobots.

"The Decepticons aren't expecting you, maybe you'll be the one to end this war forever, you could become a hero…" "Could I kill Megatron?"

The elder hesitated a little… He knew that it was quite possible…

"Yes, you could kill him."

To be continued...

[purgatoryartsociety]

kkochan: FLOURISHING, A flower’s first

What would it take to be mistaken as a flower?

In fields where the air sway its way, the trees howl ever so lightly, and the light from the sun illuminates what’s below, a flower follows the current. “tell me I look pretty today” said the tiny flower.

“kkochan” is an art student from LPU-Laguna, who is just starting to navigate things that linger inside him through the small nuances he call as ‘art’. Kkochan is not perfect nor tries to be one. He could be considered as a persona created to uncover the concealed feelings and messages that was masked due to fear. It may sound like a sad story, but it definitely is not.

Back in 2020, “kkochan” decided to make an art account because he wanted to showcase the things that he has created in some sort. In the same way, his friends influenced him in doing such action. Unfortunately, he went on making one without thinking about his true self or how he envisioned his own art. He forced it and proceeded with something “quirky”, where it’s based on someone he had a silly crush on. Kkochan’s first art account was named ‘bebenichan’, which as expected, made him feel displaced and disjointed after months of creating the account. He took a dip, a slumber, a turmoil? with his art and art in general, added with the downward situation of the pandemic, which made him feel unmotivated or felt like, he didn’t care as much as before about art. It was such a critical feeling especially since he is taking an art course, an art student. It was frightening to feel and even until now, he still haven’t completely regained the same amount of passion that he had when he was in his freshman year. Now that he is third year, he is still worried whether that passionate person would comeback. To be honest, he have already accepted the worst and it’s okay, but still he can’t help to think if things would’ve been different if he had the same amount of interest back then. Going back, kkochan spent almost two years of evaluating and rethinking about his relationship with art, deliberating about what is “me” in his art, and of course, thinking of a name for his possible rebrand. Initially, he associated himself with flowers ever since his senior high school days. No specific flower but just a general flower which exceeds beauty. he often hear the phrase “what would it take to be mistaken as a flower?” inside his head, to which formed the name “kkochan”. Kkochan is derived from a Korean word kkoch (꽃) which means flower and ‘chan’ which is his nickname. He combined both words which produced ‘kkochan’ (꽃안). If directly translated it would mean “inside the flower”, which is also the tagline. With that, ‘kkochan’ is born.

Like a tiny flower, ‘kkochan’ is simple, it is beauty, innocence, genuineness, and rawness. It doesn’t necessarily hold a deep meaning or tries to make things abstract but rather, it wants to be understood or converse something that is simple but would make you feel and knowing. For kkochan, if he would compare his vision and art to another mode of art, it be similar with IU’s lyrics and songs. IU’s songs is known to tackle really simple concepts, especially day-to-day ones, like missing a friend, wishing someone to sleep well, a love letter, and etc., which is lyrically written in such a beautiful and genuine manner that it resonates so deeply which hits a listener’s inner core. In the same way, IU has songs that feel abstract with how sensitive it could be but it’s still simple because it is a fact, or it is “life”. An example is saying your goodbyes and letting go of love, reaching out to your inner child in a vast ocean, and how time moves, and how seasons change even if someone is stuck on their own time for eternity. It’s all written so lovely and personal, that people would cry with how beautiful it is even with such tragic concept. It would feel like you’re being consoled and comforted without directing the words to you but rather making you feel and realize how beautiful it could be, which is what he want to encapsulate in his art through ‘kkochan’.

To see more of kkochan’s works, check out his art pages: https://www.facebook.com/kkochan.insidetheflower https://twitter.com/kkochan https://www.instagram.com/kkochan_

[no-facts]

my kingdom for a life purpose

Something is very wrong.

I must have known when I was a child. Children have the intuition for these things, before that intuition is shamed or beaten out of them.

Tears are never very far from me these days. I am never more than ten seconds away from crying, and it is only rigid self-control that prevents me from bursting into tears. (The version of me who was an aspiring actor, who wanted to be able to cry on cue, that person who in their junior year of college used to time themself to see how long it took to produce tears—they would be proud, at least.)

Somewhere inside of me an alarm blares. I don't know how long it's been going off for, but I hardly even notice the sound anymore. You see, somewhere along the line I learned how to ignore my body's signals in favor of listening to what others had to say.

And thus have decades passed, and today I have no idea who I really am or what I really want.

When I say I want something, particularly something that is abstract and long-term, more often than not I am merely guessing. I don't have a clue what I really want. I thought that I wanted to be an actor for four years. I thought that I wanted to be famous for almost my whole life. Guess who doesn't want either of those anymore.

Recently I was re-introduced to the "five whys" technique, a root cause analysis tool, though it was originally developed for the manufacturing industry to understand the reason why a new feature or tool was needed. After applying this technique to several different things (I thought) I wanted in life, the results were supremely depressing. Do I really want to get married and have kids? Apparently I just think that marriage and kids will give my life meaning and purpose. Do I really want a PhD? Apparently all I want is to do something of import with my life, to be able to support my family, and to have an audience. Do I really want to lose weight? Apparently I'm just insecure and fear getting dumped. Do I really want to become a musician? Apparently I just want a life purpose and think that reaching others through music could be a life purpose.

Again, supremely depressing.

I did the above as part of a workbook called "Get What You Really Want: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Defining Your Future." This was part one, "What Do You Want?" The results were the opposite of illuminating; I don't think I've felt this level of existential crisis since 2019. All that was made clear to me was that I am desperately reaching for something, anything, that could be a "life purpose" and that I am supremely lost without one.

I have no idea where to find a "life purpose." Can I buy, beg, borrow, or steal one? But seriously, where do these come from? Do I wake up one day and decide what my life purpose is? Does it appear to me one night in a dream? Am I to expect a road-to-Damascus scene, complete with light from heaven and the voice of Jesus?

Perhaps I've gone about this all wrong, and I don't need a singular life purpose. That's probably the reasonable conclusion to draw. But somehow that feels like giving up, like failure, like death.

I don't know what keeps me going other than the fear of death.

Perhaps it is time that I start listening to myself instead of other people.

[pieofdeath]

god. pacing. this is ROTD spiff so badly its INCREDIBLE.

so like. i DID intend ROTD spiff to be an asshole!! lord barkis is SUCH an asshole in the movie! he's visibly older than victoria by a good bit. he flirts with her in a way that just feels. sooo gross. there's a scene in the movie that I didn't adapt to the fic because I didn't want ANOTHER pov change where Lord Barkis (IIRC) talks to a portrait of Victoria and says something along the lines of how she wont have to suffer this union for very long. BRO. YOU'RE IN THEIR DAMN HOUSE STILL. I intended ROTD spiff to be similar! just rude and an asshole and unrepentant about his crimes!

and then he just. wasn't. and it's mostly my own fault jakdfjs.

My first mistake was that I made Spiff too young. I made him too close to my age, which made me keep thinking about how I would've felt- I'm turning 20 in march, and I made him 20 in Jan of 1877, which makes him 17 in 1874 when he murders Dan.

My second, and primary, mistake is that I thought about him for too long. When writing the final chapter, I went. huh. Spiff is 20 here, a few years younger than Kevin and Seán (who are 21 and 22-almost-23 in Jan 1877 respectively). and he killed a guy at 17. That's gotta fuck a guy up.

and then i couldnt stop thinking about it. ok. abstracted, we have a guy that has killed a guy and planned to kill another and is still literally only 20. age is not an excuse for Actual Premeditated Murder but you can't tell me that it didn't fuck him up, at least a little. and add that on top of the possibility that he killed the only person who genuinely, really cared about him. how long do you think he deliberated on if he was going to go through with his plan. do you think there was a span of time where he truly let himself love dan. do you think answering "yes" or "no" to those questions makes it worse?

i reblogged this post into the rotd tag back in April. i think that's a good summary of ROTD spiff. a guy who was unloved (woa what who said that) and couldn't handle being loved and made the worst mistake of his life. and proceeded to keep making it because then he could pretend he meant it. spiff can be summed up by "hubris and hates it" i think.

there's a lot of similarities between spiff and jim I think. interpret that as you will. there's actually a really rough idea for an alternative universe where everything turns out fine because jim or grim or someone finds out about spiff's plan to kill Seán before he goes through with it. jim and spiff are murder buddies and rtspiff reconcile- the trio shifts into a strange little polycule in that verse.

and while writing the finale I started toying around with the idea of writing his perspective, and then i listened to a few songs that gave me a few ideas for future events and it was all over. He hasn't left my head. I'm thinking about him ALL THE TIME. I'm only barely exaggerating.

hes a squeaky toy to me. im chewing on him. I'm making him cry. I'm making it better but I'm making him cry.

woa hold on i just rambled a LOT I'm so sorry aksjdfksa I need to go listen to his playlist maybe then ill feel better

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c24. Christmas.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs.

song to listen to when reading this: La sera dei miracoli, Lucio Dalla.

abstract: It's Christmas. it's Alba, I'm better now. I know you weren't expecting all that sweetness last chapter hu? brace yourselves, this one is even worse (literally nothing happens). anyway, I'm a fucking chef.

It was December 24th. She spent all day cooking and cleaning. It was surreal, she had come to life again to be the perfect housewife. She woke up at seven, took Jinx out, who was very happy to see her run with him and play fetch in the park. She cleaned her apartment, she did the laundry, swept the floors. She turned on the humidifier, put in lavender essential oil inside (yes, she really liked lavender). She proceeded to start cooking after lunch, she did dessert first. She made a simple chocolate cake that didn't require an extensive preparation and didn't need to rest. It was meant to have a fragrant external crust and be softer inside. She put on some music, she was singing along, she had her whole fridge restocked with fresh ingredients for Christmas dinner. She was a whole different person. It was probably too much food for two people. Two people as in her and Simon. He did, unbelievable I know, agree to Christmas dinner at her house in the end. 'Sure, okay', he had said, probably too embarrassed to say no in that moment. He had nowhere to go anyways… She asked him if he was allergic to anything, she was gonna make sure to add it to her shopping list. He said strawberries. She told him to bring wine, white wine. Goes with fish, cause yes, she was gonna cook fish. In Italy they don't eat meat the day before Christmas, a religious deal. She was going to have a fish based menu, it sounded fancy and she wanted to impress him. It was the first time she had ever had anyone over at her apartment. Salvo didn't count cause he was practically her brother and they usually had instant ramen together. She wanted to make a good impression, she hosted quite a few big dinners when she was in uni, hundreds with Salvo, and when she visited his family in San Francisco she always helped setting the table all pretty and cooking with his mom. She prepped two large cod fillets by marinating them with a few herbs and lemon. She checked on the cake, trying not to have Jinx jump inside the oven to eat it. She was almost anxious to have Simon over, not because of the fact he was who he was, but mainly for the cooking, and the menu and her apartment which was small and not too great…

He showed up exactly at eight, the time they had agreed upon. He had a bottle of wine in one hand, a box of chocolates in the other. Cause what the fuck are you supposed to bring for a Christmas dinner? Let alone, Christmas dinner at her house, them two together. He couldn't show up empty handed… Or maybe he could, he wasn't sure, he wasn't used to this. He debated on cancelling on her, he thought about it all week. He didn't have her phone number and he didn't want to ask Price, it would have sounded suspicious. He had to stop showing up at her workplace, so that was a no. Showing up at her house just to tell her that he wasn't going to that stupid Christmas dinner was gonna be even weirder. She had asked him in the worst timing possible, she had been crying and nearly got killed, he didn't feel like upsetting her further. And he had to come up with an excuse as well, one that wasn't that he hated Christmas for reasons he couldn't tell her. Last time he celebrated was so long ago he didn't even remember, he usually spent it at base, or drinking alone until he fell asleep. He sometimes went back to Manchester, though he stopped for a while. It was a time of sadness, a time of sorrow and deep anger. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to eat, he wanted to be alone in his grief. He got the stupid chocolates cause he wanted to be polite, and he used to bring chocolates to his nephew back in the day when he went to see him… The only thing that kept him from cancelling was the fact that she was alone as well, for Christmas. He felt like he could endure an awkward dinner, so she wouldn't be alone. He felt out of place, he walked away from base like he was sneaking out. And he kinda hated himself for it, he was sure many men would have been be thrilled to be invited to dinner by someone like Alba. He didn't look the part. He wasn't made for that, and he wasn't going to change.

When she opened the door he knew he was doomed. The house smelled heavenly, there was music playing, the lamps were giving the living room a fait and tender orange aura. She was standing there, smiling. She had her hair up tied with a hair clip, she was wearing a black t-shirt and sweats. She was dressed to spend a night in, but still looked extremely put together. She looked gorgeous, that is. At her feet, Jinx was trying to get out the door and whining for attention. She said hi and let him step in. She was thanking him for the wine and telling him to put the jacket on the sofa. When he noticed the table he understood how much of a mistake going there was. She was fucking too much, she was unbelievable. What the actual fuck did I get myself into…

There were two tablecloths on the kitchen isle, a cotton one and a paper one, the ones you can throw away after use. She had drawn on the white paper with a black sharpie. She had drawn two plate shapes, two round shapes where the wine glasses stood and wrote 'Simon' on the side. He stood petrified looking at his name in that beautiful cursive handwriting, the letters majestically floating just above the plate shape. 'Alba' was written in the same handwriting on the other side of the isle. Simon and Alba. He didn't belong there… 'I saw it on Instagram', she said, circling him and getting to the fridge. 'The drawings', she added once she noticed he was still standing in the middle of the living room. He managed to swallow the lump in his throat and put down the wine and chocolate. 'Oh, thanks, these look nice.' She took the box and inspected the flavours list. She would tell him later that dessert was covered… She gave him a bottle opener while she got the appetisers from the fridge. 'So this is hummus I made, and this is a ricotta cheese spread with basil and honey', she set two plates on the counter in front of him. She had two types of tortilla chips in a little bowl, and in another plate, cucumber and carrots to dip in the whatever she had made. She set everything in front of him and finally stopped to properly look at him for a second. He looked incredibly lost. He looked small, he clearly was out of his comfort zone. He looked out of place, behind him was her small home library and her paintings on the wall, he looked like a fish out of water. She let her sight linger on the features that weren't covered by the black mask. His messy hair, his forehead, his cheekbones. His nose looked more crooked than usual, his eyes a mixture of frightened and surprised. For a second she thought the drawing was too much, or maybe the food was too fancy for him. She quickly changed her mind, the hummus was fucking amazing and homemade, what more did he want uh? Plus, she had pasta and fish to serve, it's not like he would starve…

'Sit down.' It was an order, but her voice was too soft to sound intimidating. Jinx had immediately started bothering him, trying to get him to give him some food. 'You can take off your mask, I'll turn around.' He looked at her turn to the stove, getting a pan and removing something from it, then he heard the sizzling of onion or garlic or something like that? She was moving like a professional, chopping stuff and stirring what looked like spaghetti… He didn't know how to feel, it was like he stepped into another reality. The smell of fish and rosemary, the faint music, her. She had turned around so he could eat. It was considerate of her, no? He tried the hummus, which was very nice and spicy. The other dip was fresh and aromatic, a good balance of sweet and sour, he was impressed. 'You're not gonna eat?' She didn't turn around. 'Yeah later, this is just appetisers.' He nodded even though she couldn't see him. She took the lead of the conversation. 'What wine did you get?' He quickly grabbed the bottle and started opening it, so he could keep himself busy. 'Hum… chardonnay?' he said. 'Good choice.' He wanted to tell her it was probably a cheap bottle. He realised he should have gotten a better one. He should have gotten more chocolates and maybe something else, he wasn't at her level. She strained the pasta. He asked her if Jinx could have a chip, she said only a small piece. 'Can I turn around?'

Now, he really didn't expect she would ask. He didn't really eat around people, when he drank in public settings like a pub, he kept his mask on his nose or made sure to have it on most of the time. She already saw half of his face when they ate that burger together. He thought about it for what felt like hours, deep down he wanted to be normal, he wanted to feel at ease and just relax for a second, she had even asked him permission... He put his mask back on and told her to turn around. When she did, she placed a pan on the table. 'Calabrese', she said. 'It's from a region in the south of Italy, I had a roommate that was from there.' She served him a good portion of spaghetti, topping them with the sauce that was at the bottom of the pan. 'Melted anchovies, chilli pepper, tomatoes…', she grabbed a small bowl, '…toasted breadcrumbs and basil, which are optional but recommended.' She raised her eyes to look at him, in sitting quietly on the small stool with is shoulders curved foreword. 'I can go eat on the sofa if you want, it's not a problem.' She wanted him to trust her really bad. The fact that he had that fame of unbreakable soldier with a hard past intrigued her, she wanted to know him and she felt like she had the power to do so. She was polite, she was respectful of his boundaries, she was understanding and would not push him. She wanted him to feel alright in her presence.

He felt that from the way she was talking to him. He felt dizzy and uncomfortable, she was putting him in a position of complete control over the situation, she was giving him a choice and offering to keep his face concealed, his identity protected. Protected from what, he wasn't at war, fucking hell. He was with the girl he had thought about at night, truth be told. He was with Alba who he had talked to before, in situations in which he went to see her because he craved her presence. He was with her right that second. She had cooked all that just for him, she let him into her house, him specifically and only him, her fucking dog was licking his shoe right that second.

'No you can stay', he slowly peeled off his mask and put it aside.

'There's your name written on the table.'

notes: nice… pasta recipe soon?? also December 24 and it's chapter 24, guys I'm a witch.

notes: i hope you liked the' first hug' moment in the last chapter and this kinda first moment alone together. a reminder, these two have a enemies to colleagues to major enemies to lovers kinda trope sooooo... I don't know, we'll see what happens I guess, I have a few more chapters written down and then it's season two. we'll just have to wait and see eheheheh. love y'all.

taglist:

@ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

[odetoagirl]

step forth

pray, make me a little braver, may i say the words and find freedom? i still have crushing weighty hope which cloaks me, better i keep it on to keep me warm or should i risk it all, throw it off and step out into darkness; into light?

i kneel outside your door, as a godless freak might, what is it with a child's persevering want for love, surely no love exists greater than this suffering i feel at the expense of the chase. upon her death should i be let out of this cage or does she take the key when she leaves. i should just say, i could go to her now and beg and pray, and end the night in a fount of unconditional love and understanding. but i am so timid and shy and i know before i would say a word i would just cry, and anger her too.

but there is no other side, and i don't know where or why i stay in hiding. i know what it is to be unknown, and this side, so unbothering to me when i used to see her every day, now eats my alive every day i do not see her, i can feel the opportunity fading away, there's such little space left for us to get it. so surely i must just step off that cliff, we argue often enough. at worst this could only end in crying or cruelty, and is that not where i already am?

but why does it have to be me for fucks sake she is my mother is she not? how hard is it to ask about me, she knows nothing about me, she could show interest by asking me anything as a way to reach out it doesn't even have to be something scary i promise. and i know i know she shows her care, rarely, in other ways; she fills the fridge, she bought me a dehumidifier for my damp room. but surely to be loved is to be known and we are utter strangers. she knows a little of my little sister, so why nothing of me. is she as scared of me as i am of her? does she fear me, resent me, hate me? does she worry she would not understand me if we spoke? that we are too far gone

suddenly i remember why i do not talk to her. because what could i say to such a woman. lets think clearly, through my tears. i can not speak about ideas, my ideas, the things i write or think or feel, she has expressed frequently of her misunderstanding of philosophy and psychology, abstraction and metaphor. okay, so we shall think of something tangible instead, start small, lets not small talk about the life i make up to tell her. It's a lie, and it's about all we talk about regarding myself, i can do better. the truth is i do nothing but drugs (off the table, certainly) my degree (philosophy, struck) and see my friends. what would i say of my friends? that they are smart, funny, and how exactly is this relevant to making her get to know me? okay, so not friends.

what exactly is it then when i say i need her to understand me then? do i even need her understanding or do i simply need to know that she wants to? maybe just that would be enough. does she know the way this feels, i will never raise my children this way, if i ever found out they felt as i did my heart would wilt. they never will. i will always want to understand them. i know what i want, deep down. i want her to fucking be a peer to me, actually see me as an almost equal, i want her not to be who she is. i want her to ask me about my sexuality but not in a pointed way, in a soft, open way because she knows how weak i am i know she does. i need her void of judgement, reaching out across a room to me. my immune system is shitty but my mind and soul are so much weaker than my body. i think she thought that teaching robustness was about exposure to the elements, independence, resourcefulness. and in some ways it is, but i am not a baby puffin you can throw off of a cliff. i have no system, no support, no one to listen, no anchor, no lighthouse, no home. i don't know where i'm going, i have no idea about anything. i carry every single thing i have ever experienced around with me, never a moment of catharsis or a leak to drain the dam. but my walls were only as strong as they were when i was born, i grew up in desolation and no one ever taught me how i might reinforce all these feelings, and i am so weather worn that soon, without her, it all might just burst forth, and my death will be a sweet release of pressure, no faith, no bravery.

[mosscoveringitall]

1/5/2024 or: Different Apples

The only cool thing I did in college was become a DJ on the radio. I did many, many uncool things in college: I was in improv club, I joined an honor society, I was an RA. These things were mostly awful experiences that swept me into curtains of laziness and melancholy I had never encountered myself within before, but I was always proud of being a DJ. When I moved to New York, I wanted to become a DJ again, even though I was never all that good at it. My friend and I found out that another friend had paid $25 to become an internet DJ on an internet pirate radio (a decidedly uncool type of pirate broadcasting). We paid the $25, and are well on our way to activating ourselves in front of an audience of nobody in particular to talk about nothing of importance. I am listening to my other friend’s radio show right now. The songs she chose are whiny and listless and warbly and beautiful. It makes me like her more than I already do.

I was a specialty jazz DJ in college, and I also ran a show with my best friend in the whole world where we played a variety of genres. This show always had a theme, or a story that we assigned the night, to provide us a bit of a challenge. For example, we would describe a castle through the rooms, each room with its own song. Or we would go on an interstellar journey and become mired in a black hole’s gravitational pull. Or we were four different types of apples. Most of the shows were bad, and my best friend always found a way to play Elliot Smith, but we had lots of fun, and that’s what I was proud of. Being a DJ gave me a reason to listen to lots of music I had never heard of before and find reasons to like it enough to listen to it standing up and focusing mostly just on how it sounded. I have found then, as I find now, that listening to and loving music is one of the biggest and most sluggish pastimes one can have. It exhausts me.

There is a way I have to build playlists, and I can’t like music organized together unless it exists in this way. Each playlist has to have an image, with a 55px-thick border, and a slightly abstracted nonsense title with an emoji in front of it. I make three of these a year, unless it’s a genre playlist, which I can make as many of as I want. One in the summer, one in the fall, and one in the spring. I designed this system when I was in school, because I was a radio DJ and I was sad and angry one semester, and listlessly, deliriously happy the next quite often. Until I wasn’t. By that time, I had started dating my girlfriend. She tells me that she doesn’t listen to much music anymore, because it can overwhelm her to think about how much music she likes. She says that songs make her cry too easily, that there’s too much history in every song to take on anything new. She also says she’d rather listen to audiobooks because they calm her down and music stresses her out. I have, according to Spotify, listened to almost 20,000 less minutes of music the years that I have dated her. This bothers me immensely, even if I’m not sure why.