#I actually saw the 'bear in mind' post you tagged me on AFTER I'd posted this :D

[bleach-your-panties]

First of all, I just want to say THANK YOU to all of my mutuals, readers, and followers.

I write what makes me happy first and foremost, but it makes me so excited to see that others enjoy and look forward to my work! ✨️

So for that, I'd like to celebrate with a lil contest.

🎀𝒞ℴ𝓃𝓉ℯ𝓈𝓉 ℛ𝓊𝓁ℯ𝓈🎀

1. This contest is for my MUTUALS and FOLLOWERS only.

🎀Mutuals: Meaning I am following you and you are following me. It will look like this when we interact:

🎀Followers: Meaning you are following me, but I am not following you. It will look like this when I post or interact with you:

DO NOT SUBMIT DUPLICATE ENTRIES. THIS WILL VOID YOU FROM THE ENTIRE CONTEST. I will be checking for duplicates.

Only enter as either a mutual or as a follower.

2. Fill out my commission form here. The winning entries will be treated as if they were paid commissions, so please read the original commission post here and read all guidelines on the form carefully before submitting it.

3. There will be 4 winners in total. 2 mutuals and 2 followers.

4. Yes, you can still enter as a follower even if you started following me as soon as you saw this post. I will do two drawings for followers, one for new followers and one for the OG's.

♡Keep in mind!! I will only be including followers that have interacted with me or my posts. Ghost followers are fine to have, but it is not fair to others who actively engage if you get chosen over them.

5. MINORS, AGELESS, BLANK, SPAM/MEME BLOGS WILL NOT BE PERMITTED TO JOIN THIS CONTEST.

6. If I check your blog and the first thing I see is a meme, you're getting blocked. If your blog looks inactive, block. No pinned post or visible, BELIEVABLE age anywhere, blocked. Do not fill my entries up with spam, you will not be counted.

🎀Directions for Completing Commission Form for Contest Entry:

1. On question #1, type your preferred name/alias, pronouns, age, blog name with @ symbol, and whether you're entering as a moot or a follower.

2. Fill out the rest of the form as usual.

3. When you reach the payment question, select 'other' and type in 'contest entry'.

4. Submit.

5. I WILL delete any incomplete entry forms, duplicates, or entries that did not adhere to the guidelines.

6. You may submit an anonymous entry, but you still have to list your actual blog URL (it will not be tagged if you win) and I MUST have a valid form of contact for you as well as an age verification. See the commission form for complete details.

🎀Winner Selection Process:

1. On Saturday, March 16th, 2024 at 16:00 US CST (4:00 pm US CST), I will live screen record from my phone or laptop as I put all of the names into the random name generator.

The recording will be removed from my page after I have contacted the winners, but the video will be kept as evidence that I indeed did not choose favorites.

2. Once I contact you, if you've won, please respond promptly so we can hash out any fine details and I can begin working on the piece.

🎀Final Notes:

Alongside the contest, I will be running a 10% off promo on my writing commissions during the entire RSVP period (2.29-3.15)!!🎂🥳🎊

Discount code is ' SWEET1600 ' (do not include quotations)

♡kofi-page for commission ordering

♡make sure you've filled out the commission form first!

♡thanks again for helping me to hit this special milestone!💞

♡i will be sharing this post periodically over the next 2 weeks.

(*I've been having issues with my PayPal, so please bear with me while I get that handled!*)

*please direct any questions about the contest to @bleach-your-panties or @1zurusprinc3ss DM's. questions about commissions/ordering will go to my email (ask)*

-byp🌹

[effemar]

hi are there any trc fics you would recommend? (saw your tags on that one fandoms with good fic post)

ohhhhh tumblr user after my own heart...

First of all, some of my thoughts on the subject. I love fanfiction -- both as a phenomenon and as a genre of writing. I have a deep and sincere appreciation for the earnest engagement with media it fosters, the creative potential it holds, and the way it can be truly and deeply bad. This being said, what I think makes a fic good is different from what makes a book or a movie good. To me, a good piece of fanfiction is simultaneously a story and a piece of analysis. It should respond to the work it's based on, even (or perhaps, especially) to the detriment of its functionality as a standalone narrative.

This is all to say that the fics I'm recommending here rely heavily on knowledge of the books, and their main merit is in how they engage with the canon narrative. So bear that in mind.

TRC has a lot of fic in a variety of niches and tones. I will try to give you a diverse sampling. That being said, the vast majority of TRC fic that exists is Adam/Ronan (because fandoms are predictable like that) which means the recommendations here are slanted that way.

In no particular order:

Son of the Nuclear A-Bomb -- This is the fic I recommend most among this selection. A clear divergence from canon, it nevertheless extrapolates perfectly on existing themes, to the point that it straight-up predicted several plot points regarding Ronan's family in The Dreamer Trilogy. It's the TRC fic of all time.

Out for Re-henge -- Among TRC fics, there's a surprisingly substantial percentage that are, simply and exclusively, about Blue and Ronan having platonic bonding moments. It's just two teenagers having unmagnificent adventures. Like, as a distinct genre. I've never observed this in any other fandom. You can find more of these under the 'Ronan Lynch & Blue Sargent' relationship tag, with Gen checked as the work category. There's some real gems.

empire that runs on its own -- MIND THE TAGS. I said I'd give you diversity, so I'm giving you diversity. I hesitate to recommend this fic usually, as it can be unpleasant to read and has genuinely upsetting subject matter, but if I'm going to talk about how good TRC fic is, I have to pull out the big guns. It's genuinely incredible work. There's imagery and themes in this that still echo in my head, years after I first read it.

feels better biting down -- Everything by this author is incredible, but I enjoy this fic in particular because it's set in an unexplored bit of time before the series actually starts. It has a unique, lethargic tension that mimics the state of the characters' relationship at this point. It is almost pointedly unromantic, despite dealing with characters who we know have/will have a romantic dynamic during the events of the books.

my bones into your bones -- This fic frustrates me so much. It's incredibly emotionally intense, it has lines that are tattooed on the inside of my eyelids, and it's completely and unapologetically About People Fucking so I can't recommend it to anyone without paralyzing embarrassment. I skipped over this fic in the tag for like three years because of this, but eventually I decided to see what all the fuss was about, and gave it a try. When I tell you it's good, I mean that I felt like I'd been put through the fucking laundry.

Those are mostly pretty serious fics, so here's some light(er) runner-ups as palate-cleansers.

see you somewhere, someplace, sometime -- Ronan assholery, feat. Declan

Hey, Brother (PUNKBITCH) -- Ronan assholery, feat. Blue

in your manner of speaking -- Ronan assholery, feat. Adam (are you beginning to notice a pattern)

[filet-o-feelings]

WIP Wednesday

Thanks for the tags @hippolotamus @jesuisici33 and @mammameesh and @a-noble-dragon 💕 I wasn't going to post anything because I haven't worked on any of my wips in ages, but then I thought maybe posting a (highly redacted) snippet from one might get me motivated to work on it again (plus, 2 more days of work and I'm on vacation so I'd love to trick my brain into doing some writing next week!) so here's some from the build-a-fic:

He’d suspected, of course, but he’d only stayed with David for a year, unable to be around the constant reminder of the life they had been forced to leave, unable to bear the weight of the knowledge that he himself was that reminder to David reflected [redacted] but there he was, as beautiful as ever, only this time David was running from him.

It was only fair, Patrick supposed, that David hated him still. He deserved this loneliness, but still, he couldn’t help but feel relieved in the knowledge that in this ever-changing world one thing remained constant, that David was still breathing and walking the same earth as himself. It was something to hold onto, at least.

He took a shaky breath to steady himself, determined not to chase after David, before forcing his legs to move against their instinct to run towards the exit toward wherever David had run off to, down the next aisle in the opposite direction to finish his shopping and pretend that his heart wasn’t breaking all over again.

[redacted]

Patrick understood though that it was his fault. He’s the one who left. He made a choice, a spur of the moment decision that he’s regretted every moment since, and the brief glimpse he got of David’s face when he registered who stood in front of him with a tower of canned soups as witness told him David wasn’t ready for an explanation or forgiveness. The flash of anger and hurt that Patrick saw before David dropped everything and bolted was seared into his mind’s eye and he hurried through the store to get his essentials before he broke down completely.

Don't worry, there's only 8% angst so it will get better. Actually, here's a reminder of the poll results, so you can have an idea of what to expect even though I'm being pretty secretive about the actual story:

Fake relationship - 31%

hurt/comfort - 13%

Enemies to lovers - 12%

Friends to lovers - 12%

Angst - 8%

Fluff - 6%

Historical AU - 6%

Crack - 6%

Slow burn - 6%

1 write-in for smut

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hey m, what's your stance on separation of the art from the artist when it comes to the artist being of a questionable character?

And on a wholly separate note, did you ever talk of Letter and Jimin and Jungkook and if there's a case for interpreting the song as most shippers have done?

Wow, that is a totally separate note there, anon 😆

But let's start with the first part of your ask. I'm sure I've written about this in the past, but my tagging system is not the best. Anyway..

What I can tell you is that there is no definitive answer. Which is probably boring because we're "supposed" to pick a side and stick to it. Regardless of our position, it's almost expected for us to be radical. I've had this exact debate so many times, with people of different ages and backgrounds. It's an ongoing debate and I really don't think there is a correct way of looking at it. I think that the more we try and move away from an abstract position and rather look at the particularities, it would be easier to understand our own arguments and how/why we choose to accept or dismiss some people. Then we also have to keep in mind what is condered questionable character. Does its definition include a general understanding of a person that is accepted all across the board? Or our own character and world views influence the way we perceive other people? And sometimes, there's another element that perhaps it's easily explicable, but in my mind, it's the one about a lack of logic. I'll give you an example. It's close to impossible for me to rewatch CMBYN because of Hammer's cannibalism allegations, more than the ones of abuse against women. I also publicly and vehemently condemn Woody Allen because I believe he is guilty of what he's been accused of, but it doesn't mean I will also never watch Annie Hall. Does that say that I'm a bad person? A hypocrite? Maybe. But it also says that I can't help but be subjective depending on each singular situation and that some of my views don't have any logic even in my own mind.

But these are extreme cases, of people who had actual charges brought against them. There are countless others that are usually accused of wide range of things, from sexism, racism, homophobia to xenophobia, you name it. Everything under the sun. Some people will not care, while others will. It's an individual choice. Not only a moral one, but economic as well.

I'd like to end this though by saying that I personally don't expect art to be made only by morally righteous people. I think that's a dangerous trap that leads to just another type of extremism.

Now, the second part, a bit more fun!

The only time I mentioned Letter was in one of my early posts on the new blog. I said it reminds me of a studio Ghibli movie but that I also have a more personal attachment to it.

I know how it's been interpreted by jikookers. I personally don't subscribe to the theory, but not for some major reason. I think it's nice Jimin had Jungkook do the backing vocals and seeing him sing during a livestream was moving. That's sort of enough for me. I think it's perfectly possible for the song to really be a letter to his fans. What I'm trying to say is that as much as it is really sweet, if it's for Jungkook or not, it doesn't have a major bearing on my opinion regarding them.

But I want to be very clear that just because I believe that, it doesn't mean I have an issue or condemn any jikooker who believes in the theory that it's a song for JK and about them. It's a harmless theory that is not based on any toxic or weird narrative. People should be free to talk about it, without having condescending anons or bloggers making fun of it or even criticising it too harshly. I've seen that happen a lot after the album was released.

P.S. Anon, I just saw your second ask. I'd rather stick to my answer as it is now, without going into any RM specifics as of today. I'm not in the mood for that.

[delilahcalicocat]

★~I'll Never Stop~★

{Rating: Cotton Candy Colored Fluff that is hella fluffy}

◆–Warnings: Kissing, Swearing, Hugging, A long car ride with professional yappers, Lilith being Insulted by Trent–◆

【Pairing: Orange Cassidy x Lilith Punk】

《Summary: Matt and Mike tried to make a plan to stop Orange from winning with trent but things before their normal tag match take a turn...》

★– WC: 800 or 900 –★

A/N: This is not proofread, sorry for any mistakes of text color, Fonts or words in a sentence

[Lilith's POV:]

It was 10:00pm, Rampage just started filming. I was planned to appear with Orange and Trent since Chuck was busy with Tony.

A couple hours before the whole Rampage event, I'd heard Taven and Bennett chatting about how they'd interfere with Orange's Match. In which I did not approve of that.

Those little undisputed Asses shouldn't even be in this fucking tournament since they have the ROH Tag Titles. But this was just a normal tag match.

"Orange, You ready?" Trent Asked

"Mmmh" Orange hummed against my chest in the bear hug we had going on.

"I'm sure he's ready Trent, just give us like three more seconds-" I spoke

"Ugh! Enough with that hug! We're gonna be late!" Trent growled

"Jesus dude- calm the actual fuck down. You'll be fine, beside we never complained when you and Chuck hugged-" Kris and Hook spoke in unison

"Oh so what?! You're both gonna side with Lilith because Orange is just being sweet?!" Trent Sighed Loudly

"Trent. I don't think you should wrestle tonight. You should go home and Fucking rest!" Kris Spat with Venom on her tongue

"I agree with Kris here, you should relax. I'll go fight with Orange or something. Because we don't need someone getting hurt over you being angered" Hook Spoke.

"Fine! I'll fucking leave!" Trent Spat before he stomped off

"What the Hell is going on over here?!" Chuck Asked

"Trent just flipped out on Lilith over a fucking hug! Go talk with your asshole!" Hook Shouted

I had covered Orange's Ears before Hook shouted, Because the Anxiety and Anger in the locker room had built up 10x as much as it usually does...

——————————🍄——————————

After the Match, Me, Hook, Orange and Kris decided we'd just share the car that Trent and Chuck originally came to the arena with me and Orange in. It took 2 hours to get to that goddamn hotel

"So, uhm Kris. What are you gonna do for this year's Battle of the Belts in October?" Hook Asked Kris.

"Oh, If she still has it after WrestleDream. I'm gonna beat her for it." Kris spoke

I kept my focus on the road, My knuckles Bone-white from the pressure I'd applied to the steering wheel.

Meanwhile Orange was on his phone lazily Scrolling through X until he saw a post that piqued his interest, it was by Trent himself.

[Post]

Hey All, Just wanted to say. Tonight I almost got fired from AEW thanks to a certain Bitch. [@LilyPunkAEW], over a goddamn hug. If you see this Lilith. This is for You and Orange 🖕😒. ‐ Trent Beretta AEW

[Lilith's POV:]

Orange had gasped at the post and at the red light he'd shown it to me.

So I took out my phone as soon as we got to the hotel and typed out

[Post again this time Lilith's]

Hey Everyone! Lily Here to speak her mind. Since I saw a little Someone [TrentBerettaAEW] Post about me and My Boyfriend. [FreshlyOCAEW] and Complain about us. Fuck off. You're really gonna get upset over a goddamn hug? Like talk about sensitive much. We all sat and ate shit while you and [ChuckieTAEW] would hug, so why can't you do the same for me and Orange. It's a simple gesture of love you fucking dumbass. Get. Over. It. ⛤- Lily Punk ★

[Lilith's POV:]

I put my phone down on the nightstand, gave Orange a kiss and he fell asleep.

I laid down but struggled to rest, since my brain was aching to see what Trent responded, Turns out the Replies I got were

From Hook and Kris, who were up at like 1:30am.

But I think Trent learned something Today.. don't mess with Lilith Punk.

[littleragondin]

5 Songs Tag - QL Shows Edition

I'm having a blast checking everyone's selection to this new tag game from @troubled-mind so i'll throw my list out there too!

When you get this, list 5 songs from the Asian QL shows that you actually listen to.

🎶They do not have to be custom-made for the series. 🎶Non-western tracks only. Let's support Asian music and languages! 🎶Feel free to tag anyone who may be interested in participating. 🎶Add #5qls tag to your post for others to find the new favourites!

ถ้าสักวันเธอจะกล้าพอ - In Budokan

Yes or No (2010)

I think I saw this movie before I even saw my first thai BL, making it maybe the very first piece of Thai media I ever consumed. And this song has stayed with me ever since. I really like the guitar, and In Budokan's voice is absolutely beautiful. If you are curious, the lyrics are also very touching.

ping-pong - Harada Tomoyo

Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna (2022)

This is the song Nomoto and Kasuga listen during the car ride in episode 10. While the episode happens during new year, the song (which reminds me of some of capsule's older music) has such a fun, sunny pop vibe it is in my summer playlist of the year. Here's a translation of the lyrics (I want to make you laugh/With you/The night after the sunset/I want to live together - (´꒳`)♡)

LIFE - Tokuyama Hidenori

Ai no Kotodama (2007)

I plugged 'Eve' from the same singer/movie in one of my last music tag, but I will use this opportunity to push the second song of the OST too. I find Tokuyama Hidenori's voice very soft and pretty, and the chorus has a melody that sticks to my brain. It's also a very sweet love song imo.

รอเธอรู้ใจ - Tee Thanapon

The Miracle of Teddy Bear (2022)

I am an easily pleased rodent, I do like a good piano heavy love song as much as the next romantic person ok? I really enjoy Tee's voice (had never realized before this one that he also sang), and I always find myself humming along the chorus.

Sabi Mo Dati - Niko Badayos

Rainbow Prince (2022)

Look I can't NOT put something from Rainbow Prince given how heavily the OST weighs in my playlists since I watched it. I could have picked most of the songs from that (incredible, campy, fun, touching) musical, but I think Sabi Mo Dati is the most beautiful of the track list. Ignoring who is supposed to sing it in the story, it's a lovely song about heartbreak and broken promises and Niko Badayos' voice is stunning (*¯ ³¯*)♡

If you feel so inclined, I'd be curious to see what would @benkaaoi @petrichoraline @sparklyeyedhimbo @fandomfairyuniverse and @machikeita pick for thise one! (and if you see it and think 'hey i do listen to some QL show music I don't see here' please do it and tag me =D)

Ok and now I am going to cheat under read more, and put some of the BL openings/endings that are in my main playlist (AKA the one I play by default) that I have not yet seen on the tag.

Rakdiao  - Rakdiao by lazylox

Ameiro Paradox – Go Sign by Billy Laurent

Eien no kinou - 遠い夏の日 by Aoi Kubo

Senpai danjite koi dewa - あと数センチ by Hilcrhyme

Old Fashion Cupcake – blue blur by Ryu Matsuyama and mabanua

Fukou-kun wa kiss suru shikanai!! Perfect By OCTPATH

Ocean Like Me – Ocean like me by HOLLAND

My Oxygen – My Oxygen by Nut Supanut

I will Knock you – พรหมลิขิต by Gun Napat

[nataliaphantomhivesblog]

In the end of it all, Monaca Towa was still a child.

To start this off, this isn't my usual Black Butler posts but ive been meaning to talk about Danganronpa for a hot minute, so please bear with me! Second, this is solely my opinion and before anyone wants to attack me please read thoroughly first. Thank you:)

(Spoiler warning for Danganronpa: Ultra Despair Girls and Danganronpa 3)

Also, before we dive in I'm going to list some trigger warnings:

Physcological abuse

Physical abuse

Manipulation

P*dophillia

Suicide attempt

Violence (?)

Childhood trauma

Please take care and read at your own risk<3

Hello there Danganronpa fandom! Today I will be talking about Monaca Towa (as stated in the title) and how people often minimize her trauma and sometimes forget the fact that shes still a child who got heavily manipulated by Junko too.

Monaca is seemingly very amiable and caring, because of her charming personality, all of the Warriors of Hope love her and try their best to keep her happy and go along with what she wants. However, it's slowly revealed that she is actually manipulative and cunning behind her friendly facade.

Monoca is a character that is cruel, manipulative, and extremly unhinged. Many of her actions cannot be excused or justified, but you can understand where she's coming from.

Monaca's Backstory:

She was born an unwanted child by both her father and her mother. Monaca's mother was supposed to take care of her but instead abandoned the child soon after her birth. Because of all her actions, Monaca saw her mother as a completely selfish and pathetic person. Monaca's father thought of giving her to an orphanage but instead took her into his family.

However, Monaca was always unwanted and everyone else felt uncomfortable around her. Every time Monaca smiled or joked, the others looked at her coldly, as if she didn't deserve to laugh. Every time she spoke, the others turned silent. His older-half brother thought of her as an alien, not part of the family.

She was also physically abused to the point that she pretended to be seriously wounded for them to stop as a result.

Monaca also attended Hope's Peak Elementary School and was part of the "trouble-makers class" along with Nagisa, Masaru, Jataro, and Kotoko.

Along with her fellow abused classmates, she planned a group suicide; however, Monaca never had any plans to commit suicide in the first place and was planning to let the others die as a prank.

The group suicide was stopped by Junko, who took the kids in and manipulated them by treating them with kindness and love.

Monaca then helped Junko mass produce Monokumas for the Tragedy by using her position as a representative of the Towa Group.

She lied to her father and the other adults in order to produce the Monokumas, telling them that she wanted to create futuristic robots that could be domestic helpers and emergency aid workers.

Due to her separation from the family and her genius, her family decided to give her leg room to do what she wanted as long as she brought in profits to the company, and didn't delve too deeply into her plans.

Things to keep in mind about Monoca's backstory:

She was emotionally and physically abused from a very young age.

She started to pretend to be paraplegic because she was finally treated with some kindness and she could have more control over people.

She convinced Nagisa, Jataro, Kotoko and Masaru to commit suicide.

Out of all the Warriros of Hope, Junko took the most intrest in Monoca due to her position, meaning that she was the one who got used and manipulated the most.

How Monoca's mindset works:

The moment she got physically abused to the point that she had to fake her injuries to make her family feel bad was the moment she learned that through sympathy from others comes power. Due to her families neglection and abuse, she started to quickly pick up on things in which benefited her yet hurt others.

She started to use manipulative tactics on her family to gain control over them. She then started implicating these tactics with the Warriors of Hope.

When Junko got into the picture, everything changed for the worst. Junko was the only person in Monaca's life who showed her affection. Even though deep down Monaca knew Junko only cared for her as a means to use her robotics genius for the Tragedy, Monaca didn't care, and happily helped out Junko with her plans if it meant being loved and appreciated in return. At the heart of it, despite all her horrific acts, that's a very child-like thing to do, right? So when Junko dies, Monaca's entire reason for living basically disappears.

AI Junko via Kurokuma may have planted the idea of a successor in her head, but in Monaca's mind it's a way to get her big sis back, and very specifically chooses to mold Komaru into becoming Junko's successor. That's for a big reason, Monaca doesn't want to become Junko, I'd say she actually just wanted her big sister back who would love and appreciate her again, and hence tried to make someone else take on that role initially. Once again, that's the mindset of a child.

Monaca's relationship with the Warriors of Hope:

The Warriors of Hope are a group of children who are extremely resentful and hateful of adults, regardless of whether or not they were involved in their rough paths. 

We all know that the Warriros of Hope are extememly tramutized kids. Masaru had alcoholic parents who physically abused him, Jataro was physcologically abused to the point he bealived he was so ugly that if anyone saw his "repulsive" face they would die, Kotoko was r*ped multiple times by disgusting p*dophilic men (not to mention, Monaca's brother was attracted to her), and last but not least we have Nagisa who had pressuring parents who wanted to raise him as the child prodigy and expirimented on him constantly.

Monaca used the Warriros of Hope's trauma against them, manipulating them to the point were they had to do her bidding completly.

As much as I hate to say it, Monaca truly saw them as pawns. Although there are some instances where she openly declares her care for the Warriors of Hope, it's likely she does that as a form of emotional manipulation.

If anything, she probably did see them as equal in the beginning but then when she started to gain control over her own family, she started to do the same with the Warriors of Hope as a way to protect herself from getting hurt, then again this is my baseless assumption.

Her dynamic with Nagito:

Monaca was amused by Nagito's strange behavior and contradicting beliefs and appeared to be somewhat annoyed with him at the times. However, the two appeared to at least seemingly respect each other in some way, as they treated each other somewhat formally as allies.

Her dynamic with Nagito is one of the most intresting ones. Obviously I think that her being rasied by Nagito was potentially a dangerous thing, considering Nagito's goal was for Monaca to become Enoshima's successor. Monaca seemed to agree with this goal, but Nagito's constant rambling about hope and despair made Monaca bored and feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

She claims he made her an adult in a way, as she grew up in the mental sense and became more cynical and apathetic, not really caring about anything.

In the end, Monaca found Nagito creepy and annoying, but she also appeared to get closer to him during their time together, while originally calling him just "Mister Servant" in UDG, she later refers to him as "Big Bro" in Danganronpa 3. I do think their dynamic was sort of soft and I would've loved to have seen more of it. Honestly the concept of Nagito being a soft brother to Monaca warms my heart, and the wasted potential will forever anger me.

(If any Danganronpa fanfic writer or any writer in general is reading this post: if u could be so kind and do a PLATONIC Nagito and Monaca prompt and tag me in it, I would love you forever!!)

My opinion on Monaca:

I think that Monaca was a very well-written character who deserved more than what she got in the end of Danganronpa 3. She was abused, mistreated and belittled by her family. If anything, I see her as a completely misguided little girl. If she actually had a positive authoritative influence in her life, she wouldn't have turned astray.

A lot of people disregard Monaca's trauma and forget that at the end of the day, Monaca was a child who the moment she was born, the people who were supposed to love her were unwelcoming.

Don't get me wrong though, there is no way in hell I will ever justify or condone the things Monaca has done. If anything, I just think that she alongside the rest of the Warriors of Hope should've been properly taken care of.

Also, if you dislike/hate Monaca thats 100% valid! She did a lot of inexcusable things and its alright to hate on her. I personally love her character but I know she is not everyones cup of tea.

If you read all the way, I'm actually surprised! Thank you and I hope you enjoyed<333

[rikumorimachisgirl]

So, I started writing this Mystic Messenger fic last year but lost the inspiration to continue. I finally finished it today, so I hope you like it.

Oh, and I commissioned this lovely artwork from @hydeine last year, too. I said I'd tag her when I finally post the fic. I suppose today's the day. Here we go...

Title: Strawberry Pancakes

Pairing: Jumin Han x OC (Iris)

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 2,665

Author's notes: Some of the scenes were faithful to the game.

Disclaimer: I do not own Mystic Messenger, but I own the idea of this fanfic.

It started with pancakes. Those thick, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth fluffy stove-top cakes that both of them - apparently - were both fond of. 

The first time they talked about it got him into a spot of trouble. Over an utterly dull lunch date with his father and his latest conquest, amidst the rich ambiance of the Michelin star restaurant where only the who's who in society were spotted, Jumin Han chose to indulge in a little tête-à-tête of his own at the RFA chat room with her. 

Her. Iris  - RFA's accidental member, unofficial party organizer, everyone’s cheerleader, and about the only other person who resonates with him. Jumin quietly as he waited for her to respond to his last message. Over the last twenty minutes, they have gone from talking about Elizabeth the 3rd’s grooming habits to his favorite breakfast food.  

| ‘I like chocolate chip pancakes.’  He felt his lips stretch sideways as he read her message. It was strange, he thought, how he's been joining the chat room more often since she joined. In the two weeks that they've been chatting, he felt closer to her than he's ever been with anyone in his life. 

| ‘I figured you would.’ He typed and sent.

|’Huh?’

|’You seem like the type who'd indulge in something with high sugar content early in the morning.’

|’That was a lucky guess, Jumin.’

|’But I don't believe in luck.’

|’Oh, and I suppose you think you've got me all figured out already? If you're so smart, tell me what I’m thinking at the moment.’ He smirked at her cheeky response. 

| ‘Iris, I'd like to remind you that I’m a businessman, not a fortune teller. If you’d like me to infer based on our conversation though, I'd say you're thinking that I like buttermilk pancakes, to which the answer is no. I prefer strawberry pancakes.’

Silence. 

| ‘Am I really that predictable?’ Her message finally came in two minutes later. He chuckled. In his mind, he imagined she probably would’ve pouted as she replied. 

“You seem rather amused, son. Did something happen?”

The sound of his father's voice snapped him out of his daydream. The young executive silently cursed himself for carelessly dropping his guard. Clearing his throat, Jumin straightened up and ran a hand through his dark locks. 

“My apologies, father. I had urgent business to take care of.” He tucked his phone in his pocket while wishing that Iris would understand why he hadn't gotten back to her. 

“Judging by your smile, I take it that business is going well?”

It took all of his willpower not to roll his eyes at his father's new girlfriend. Glam Choi was it? And what was it that she did? Judging by how she managed to turn heads, he deduced she must be some kind of celebrity. Nothing special, he thought; after all, his father, the Chairman of the Board of C & R International, seemed to have dated them all - socialites, celebrities, models, beauty queens - some of whom were even a year or two his junior. 

“Jumin? Are you all right, son?”

He silently cursed himself once more. While he was silently judging his father’s new girlfriend, he had once again dropped his guard and gave the older man the opportunity to call him out. 

“My apologies.”

“That's twice you've apologized. My, what an interesting day it is indeed, ” the stately older man said curtly. “Is our company not to your liking, son? Please just bear with us for a few minutes more. After all, your assistant told me that you won't have an appointment in the next hour or so.”

Jumin took a deep breath and sighed. If he had only known his old man’s agenda was to introduce his new girlfriend, he would’ve begged off right away. God knows he’d much rather be eating pancakes with her now than having a full-course meal in this place. He shook the thought away for a moment. Now wasn't the time to dream of her. Fixing his grey eyes at his father and the young celebrity he decided to date, he feigned a smile. “Very well, father, you have my full attention until then.” 

OoOoO

The second time they talked about pancakes was more of an afterthought. It happened right after their first kiss. 

Their first kiss. The very thought of it still made his heart race. He remembered every little detail as if it were yesterday. He had Assistant Kang to thank for arranging everything for him. Thanks to his efficient employee’s quick thinking, he was able to meet Iris a week earlier than the rest of the RFA members, although if he had a chance to do it over, he wouldn't be as flustered as he was when he first laid eyes on her the night before.

He watched in awe as she stepped into the foyer. She was everything he’d imagined - slender and graceful, her brown hair cascaded down her back, and her dark brown eyes looked back at him with the same level of wonder. 

“Jumin, i-it's so nice to finally meet you.”

He swore he’d never felt his heart beat faster than it did at that exact moment. ‘Get a grip, ’ he scolded himself, as he schooled his emotions before it got the better of him. He must not lose his footing, after all, he was Jumin Han - businessman, philanthropist, future CEO.

“You’re beautiful.” The words slipped from his mouth quite naturally, and he immediately regretted it when he saw her cheeks turn several shades redder. 

“I’m sorry, ” he cleared his throat. “What I meant to say was that I hope you traveled safely. If I had known Assistant Kang was going to ask you over, I would’ve sent out my driver to pick you up.” 

And then she smiled, and he knew right away that he was going to do whatever it takes to keep her. 

“Who is this woman and what is she doing in your house?”

Jumin gazed at the shameless woman his father had been forcing him to marry and resisted the urge to throw her out of his penthouse himself. 

“Sarah, please don't be like that. I'm Jumin's friend -”

“And what kind of friend comes a man's house alone? By the looks of it, you probably stayed the night, too!”

If Iris was the least bit upset at the insults hurled at her, she did not let it show. Unfortunately, he was far from being gracious. 

“This is dragging on far longer than I expected. I'm actually quite surprised I hadn't thrown you out the door the minute you showed me that fake cat picture. My security will show you out.”

“What? No, you can't do that. I'm your fiancée,” Sarah cried out incredulously. 

“Oh, please,” he said haughtily. “If you think that we'd  gotten engaged just by exchanging a few words, you're clearly delusional.”

“So, you're choosing her over me?”

“I don't know why you're even asking,” the dashing Chief Director of C & R International said, as he turned his attention to the willowy brunette who stood quietly in the corner. Something about the way she looked at him urged him to come closer to her. With each step he took, the answer became clearer. He stopped in front of her and smiled. She was a good head shorter than him, and she looked adorable gazing up at him with those big brown eyes. 

“It wasn't like I had another choice to start with,” Jumin finally said, his eyes never leaving hers. “Iris,” he whispered, as he lifted her chin and closed the gap between them. He could've sworn he felt a shock wave run through his body the minute his lips touched hers. Suddenly, the sound of Sarah's protests faded, and all he could hear was the sound of his heartbeat - or was it hers? He really couldn't tell - but every single one of his senses zeroed-in on the beautiful woman in his arms.

Her lips were the softest he’d ever kissed - not that he’s had lots of experience - as a rule, he only kissed women because he needed to close deals with them and the kisses they shared were always cold. This, however, was different. As his mouth moved over hers, again and again, all he could think about were two things - how her kisses taste like strawberry pancakes, and that he could never get enough of her. 

OoOoO

The third time they talked about pancakes was a memory guaranteed to make her blush almost immediately. He remembered vividly - Provence in July, a month after they'd gotten married. He promised to take her on an unforgettable honeymoon anywhere she wished. He thought she'd choose to go to Paris, Santorini, Milan, or even Ibiza, and he’d be happy to take her there; but instead, she chose to go to his newly-purchased winery so he could still oversee their daily operations while spending time with her and Elizabeth the 3rd. 

That's so like her. 

He woke up alone in bed one Sunday morning. Frustration marred his beautiful face as he ran his hand over her now-empty side of the bed, and found it still warm. She couldn't have been gone for long, he thought. And Elizabeth the 3rd, who usually enjoyed sleeping late, was not in the room as well. Still half-asleep, he forced one eye open to glance at the clock on her nightstand. 

‘Six-thirty, ’ he groaned silently, as he rolled on to his back. What exactly could his wife be up to this early? Sighing, he rolled out of bed and left the room in search of the beautiful woman who disappeared from his side before he even got to kiss her good morning. 

The house was quiet except for some movement coming from the kitchen. Raising an eyebrow, he quietly made his way to the large French country-style kitchen his wife loved so much and found himself entranced at the sight of the lovely brunette he now called wife, stirring something in the mixing bowl while their pet sat on the counter, looking curiously at her. 

"I hope I get this right, Elizabeth the third, " she told the cat softly. "Jumin's pancakes always taste good, so I hope he'll like these."

Her innocent declaration made him gasp. She was making pancakes for him. And that realization made him pick up his feet and head over to where she was at. 

"I see you both are up early."

"Jumin -, " she cried out in surprise, as she felt his arms wrap around her waist from behind. "Good morning, my love. I didn't expect you to be up so early."

"I could say the same about you, especially after we made love several times last night, " he responded, as he planted soft kisses on the side of her neck. Her cheeks turned red at the thought of their passionate night together, and he smiled, knowing how embarrassed she was. "You're blushing."

"I can't help it…, " she murmured. "And I think you've disappointed Elizabeth the third." 

He watched their pristine white cat jump off the counter and saunter out of the kitchen. "I think she's just giving us some privacy. Don't worry, she'll be fine, " the dashing young businessman said as he stopped kissing her, but kept her in an embrace. "So, tell me what you're up to." 

"I was going to make strawberry pancakes for you, " she started, her face still flushed. "But I'm not sure they're as good as the ones you make."

"Is that so?" He unwrapped his arms and moved closer to the counter where the mixing bowl was. "I suppose there's just one way to find out." 

She watched in silence as he dipped his long and slender finger into the bowl and scooped up a tad bit of better. Carefully, he brought his finger near her lips, while watching her gently. "Say ahhh…, " he said and laughed at how dutifully his wife complied. "Well?"

"It's sweet…"

Cocking his head to one side, he smiled at her wryly. "Is that so?"

"Why don't you taste for yourself?" 

His eyes twinkled with excitement, as she failed to realize how enticing her offer was. Cupping her face with his hands, he leaned forward and whispered, "I suppose I will, " before he ravished her mouth - and all of her body - over and over just like the night before. 

The pancake batter was left untouched until later that day. And as she had placed ointment on the scratches she had left on his back, he feasted on the strawberry pancakes she had made just for him. 

OoOoO

The fourth time they talked about pancakes was on Valentine's Day - the first of many they'll be spending together. He thought of many ways they could be celebrating this together and spent a lot of sleepless nights thinking of the perfect present for her. Never once did he think they'd be spending the day spooning her in bed, with one hand caressing her swollen belly. 

Thirty-eight weeks. She had been carrying their first child for nearly nine months, and despite her growing belly and her slight weight gain, she continued to look even more beautiful. 

"I really want pancakes, Jumin."

His hand stopped moving, and he raised an eyebrow at her upon hearing her request. "Darling, I asked you what you wanted for Valentine's…"

She snuggled closer to him as she felt his low voice vibrating on his chest. The gentle sound of his voice always soothed her and the baby, and she wanted to hear more of it today. "And I told you I want pancakes."

He frowned, feeling a little upset at her answer. In truth, she could have anything she wanted - jewelry, cars, all the designer items a woman could get her hands on - but all she wanted to for Valentine's was his home-cooked pancakes. "That's all you want?"

"That's all I want, " she hummed. A few seconds later, she felt the baby kick and the sensation made her giggle. "See? Even the baby wants pancakes."

"But the doctor said you should lay off sweets…" He should have known better than to speak those words because no sooner had he said them, she immediately turned to him with sad puppy eyes. He sighed. He knew at this point that he had lost to her once again - after all, he could never resist her - but he wanted to make her victory a little harder. "As I was saying, the doctor said…"

"But Jumin, I haven't had anything sweet since we found out I was pregnant, " she said, pouting. "And I'm really craving the strawberry pancakes you make."

"Will that make you happy?"

"Very much so."

Sighing again, he untangled himself from her and rolled out of bed. "All right. I suppose I can alter the recipe a little bit. You just lay there and rest, okay? I'll be back with your pancakes."

Elizabeth the third jumped from her bed and walked beside Jumin as he stepped out of the room. "How long do you think before she rolls out of bed and follows us?" He asked, glancing sideways at their precious feline as she mewled her response. "Ten minutes? That's too generous. She's been too fussy lately, but something tells me you're spot on, so we need to move fast."

And true to form, a very pregnant Mrs. Han waddled out of their room ten minutes later, enticed by the mouthwatering scent wafting from the kitchen. 

"Those smell heavenly, " she said excitedly, as she made her way beside her husband and stood on tiptoes to give him a kiss. "Thank you, Jumin, " she whispered before she waddled towards the cozy little breakfast nook she had designed for them. 

He smiled, as he watched her walk away from him. She had no idea how happy she's made him, how lucky he was that she came into his life, and how thankful he was for all the many things that brought them closer together. Especially strawberry pancakes.  

The end. 

[janiedean]

Hi Lavinia! Can I ask for your opinion about Jaime and his relationship with his stump? I mean, everyone knows he hates it, but is there a possibility that Brienne can change his mind? I belive he hates it most of all because his sister hated it, but it can be changed even a little if he finds someone that does not care. Plus: do you think Brienne can "love" his stump and act tenderly towards it? Like kisses and caresses? I know it's weird but I'd love to care for it to make him feel better!

a) first: man it’s not weird I mean guys I’m gonna tag it so I’m not gonna get into the specific but let’s just say that there are reasons why frankenstein was one of my five formative books and let’s leave it there

b) second: well I put it in every damned fic I do where they have sex so the short reply is yes, but the long reply would be...

c) now, why is it yes and going into your specifics:

he hates it but more than cersei I think the issue is that to him it’s basically a perpetual reminder in his face that a) he lost his right hand (which was what made him the best swordsman around) which in turn means that b) he’s lost one of the things that (in his conception at least) defined him ie ‘if I don’t have that what am I worth’ (which he thinks more than once in that asos chapter when he wants to let himself die) and most of all:

"The lack of my hand is troubling me." The mornings were the hardest. In his dreams Jaime was a whole man, and each dawn he would lie half-awake and feel his fingers move. It was a nightmare, some part of him would whisper, refusing to believe even now, only a nightmare. But then he would open his eyes.

“The wench would have told him he had to eat before he slept, to keep his strength up, but he was more tired than hungry. He closed his eyes, and hoped to dream of Cersei. The fever dreams were all so vivid . . . Naked and alone he stood, surrounded by enemies, with stone walls all around him pressing close. The Rock, he knew. He could feel the immense weight of it above his head. He was home. He was home and whole. He held his right hand up and flexed his fingers to feel the strength in them. It felt as good as sex. As good as swordplay. Four fingers and a thumb. He had dreamed that he was maimed, but it wasn't so. Relief made him dizzy. My hand, my good hand. Nothing could hurt him so long as he was whole.”

now, counting that the whole spiel cersei (and him) have going is that they’re not whole without each other, the point is: he’s not feeling whole without the right hand because it’s what makes him good at sword fighting which in turn gives him worth. now, if you look at the whole procession of thoughts in the dream above, you have the following (which is necessary to get into your question): he feels alone and surrounded by enemies and he had dreamed he was maimed (which is what happened irl) which in turn equates his lack of a hand with inability to protect himself/the others around him/makes him feel vulnerable. BUT, he has the right hand in the dream, and right hand = swords = swordplay = sex, like the four things are all put on the same level (mind it: who is the last person he fought before losing it? right, brienne) and having it back puts him back in a supposedly favorable position because nothing can hurt him as long as he’s whole (ie: he has the hand and cersei) and he supposedly can do the job himself;

too bad that he doesn’t have it anymore;

so like to him the fact that he doesn’t have the hand is a reminder that, again, he can’t do his job, and if he can’t do his job he isn’t whole, and if he isn’t whole he can’t fight (which is basically half of what he loves, the other half being cersei + tyrion + what other relatives he has that he does but it’s not many) and he can’t have cersei either and he can be hurt;

now, I once ranted about the romantic connotations of jaime’s weirwood dream vs brienne’s dreams in affc and I’m linking to it so I don’t have to go again over that, but another thing that’s fundamental about the weirdwood dream is that after it tells us what he fears most ie a) being hurt, b) the people he loves leaving him behind, c) his guilt over his supposed responsibilities in elia’s death and her children’s (which technically is not on him but nvm, d) cersei leaving him behind and after all of that happens... ah, right, BRIENNE shows up, asks him for a sword to protect him after he frees her from her chains and she gets it and she does it until hers is the only bright light in the entire cave, and after that dream he goes back for her and saves her life in the bear pit doing one of the two 100% truly heroic deeds that have happened until now (the other being theon saving jeyne hahaha). which he does... without having the hand;

now, back to the beginning: cersei hates it because a) it’s not aesthetically pleasing, b) he sets jaime apart from her because NOT MIRRORS ANYMORE, c) it cuts down his *usefulness* by a lot since he can’t fight as well as before, d) she cares about the fact that if he’s her male counterpart then she can be with herself just male, she doesn’t care about him or his needs or anything else of the kind, which anyway ties with the fact that by losing the hand he also loses something that was intimately tied to his old life (in the bath he tells brienne he lost the hand he killed aerys with/pushed bran down the tower with/made love to cersei with), so.... by losing it he also has to narratively lose cersei and put himself on the track he wanted to be on when he was fifteen and believed in being arthur dayne if you catch my drift, and the thing is that he can do that without it as well - and we saw it when he saved brienne WITHOUT IT;

as far as brienne is concerned though, the entire thing with losing the hand is actually tied to her in a positive light. meaning: while cersei hasn’t wanted anything to do with it (the stump/his lack of hand) and has been disgusted openly/called him a useless cripple because of it when she’s supposed to love him no matter what, brienne has actually helped him live through that loss even when she was supposed to hate him. like, a lot of people brush over what brienne does for him just after he loses it (or think she could never love him because she did that, lmao as if) but guys let’s be real here, post-hand loss he was pretty much 100% helpless there and she spent the rest of the road trip a) giving him pep talks when he felt like giving up, b) materially cleaning him up, c) telling him that losing the hand didn’t mean his life was over, never mind that after that they have the harrenhaal bath where without going into the whole cleansing symbolism of having him unload why he killed aerys for the first time in his life to her while taking a bath during which they’re both naked and... when he about faints she catches him and she’s gentler than cersei (and later cersei is Really Not Gentle with him at any point ops) and again, she never gives two fucks about his lack of hand or not.

also I realized this meta is overall 3k+ and the next part is choke-full of quotes so I’m gonna cut, more under the cut. sorry I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THIS SPECIFIC TOPIC.

moreover, never mind that after he saves her backside and she comes to see him when he gives her oathkeeper she’s all like ‘OH THE WHITE CLOAK BECOMES YOU’ (one day I’ll break apart that scene line by line is2g), what happens in her first affc chapter?

Brienne remembered her fight with Jaime Lannister in the woods. It had been all that she could do to keep his blade at bay. He was weak from his imprisonment, and chained at the wrists. No knight in the Seven Kingdoms could have stood against him at his full strength, with no chains to hamper him. Jaime had done many wicked things, but the man could fight! His maiming had been monstrously cruel. It was one thing to slay a lion, another to hack his paw off and leave him broken and bewildered.Suddenly the common room was too loud to endure a moment longer. She muttered her good-nights and took herself up to bed.

now, compare that to these gems from cersei’s affc chapters:

Her own twin interrupted her musings. "Would Your Grace honor her white knight with a dance?"She gave him a withering look. "And have you fumbling at me with that stump? No. I will let you fill my wine cup for me, though. If you think you can manage it without spilling.""A cripple like me? Not likely." He moved away and made another circuit of the hall. She had to fill her own cup.

"And our valiant Lord Commander?""Ser Jaime is at his armorer's being fitted for a hand. I know we were all tired of that ugly stump. And I daresay he would find these proceedings as tiresome as Tommen." Aurane Waters chuckled at that. Good, Cersei thought, the more they laugh, the less he is a threat. Let them laugh. "Do we have wine?"

Jaime hugged her, his good hand pressing against the small of her back. He smelled of ash, but the morning sun was in his hair, giving it a golden glow. She wanted to draw his face to hers for a kiss. Later, she told herself, later he will come to me, for comfort. "We are his heirs, Jaime," she whispered. "It will be up to us to finish his work. You must take Father's place as Hand. You see that now, surely. Tommen will need you . . ."He pushed away from her and raised his arm, forcing his stump into her face. "A Hand without a hand? A bad jape, sister. Don't ask me to rule."

there was more tho I picked the first three, but if you compare them, cersei basically either mocks him or thinks the stump is ugly and doesn’t want it forced into her face (reminding her he’s-not-her-exact-mirror anymore), brienne’s only horrified that they did it to him in the first place and she considers it cruel, but she doesn’t give two fucks about his hand being ugly nor considers him lesser. actually:

"I will find the girl and keep her safe," Brienne had promised Ser Jaime, back at King's Landing. "For her lady mother's sake. And for yours." Noble words, but words were easy. Deeds were hard.

When she was small, her nurse had filled her ears with tales of valor, regaling her with the noble exploits of Ser Galladon of Morne, Florian the Fool, Prince Aemon the Dragonknight, and other champions. Each man bore a famous sword, and surely Oathkeeper belonged in their company, even if she herself did not. "You'll be defending Ned Stark's daughter with Ned Stark's own steel," Jaime had promised.

I know. It was on that very road that Ser Cleos Frey had died, and she and Ser Jaime had been taken by the Bloody Mummers. Jaime tried to kill me, she remembered, though he was gaunt and weak, and his wrists were chained. It had been a close thing, even so, but that was before Zollo hacked his hand off. Zollo and Rorge and Shagwell would have raped her half a hundred times if Ser Jaime had not told them she was worth her weight in sapphires.

She had learned the truth of that once she went into the world. Even Jaime Lannister had come at her that way, in the woods by Maidenpool. If the gods were good, the Mad Mouse would make the same mistake. He may be a seasoned knight, she thought, but he is no Jaime Lannister. She slid her sword out of its scabbard.

(that EVEN is already telling because it puts jaime above other men she ran into EXCEPT that even he underestimated her)

Perhaps she had made a mistake in abandoning Ser Creighton and Ser Illifer. They had seemed like honest men. Would that Jaime had come with me, she thought . . . but he was a knight of the Kingsguard, his rightful place was with his king. Besides, it was Renly that she wanted. I swore I would protect him, and I failed. Then I swore I would avenge him, and I failed at that as well. I ran off with Lady Catelyn instead, and failed her too. The wind had shifted, and the rain was running down her face.

I could slink back to King's Landing, confess my failure to Ser Jaime, give him back his sword, and find a ship to carry me home to Tarth, as the Elder Brother urged. The thought was a bitter one, yet there was part of her that yearned for Evenfall and her father, and another part that wondered if Jaime would comfort her should she weep upon his shoulder. That was what men wanted, wasn't it? Soft helpless women that they needed to protect?

now, I could rant at you for ten minutes about how in all of those quotes a) she looks up to him, b) never thinks of him as crippled or ugly or useless, c) at most has pity for him because he lost that hand, BUT a thing not many people bring up is that...

He was better than Pyg, but he had only a short throwing spear, and she had a Valyrian steel blade. Oathkeeper was alive in her hands. She had never been so quick. The blade became a grey blur. He wounded her in the shoulder as she came at him, but she slashed off his ear and half his cheek, hacked the head off his spear, and put a foot of rippled steel into his belly through the links of the chain mail byrnie he was wearing. Timeon was still trying to fight as she pulled her blade from him, its fullers running red with blood. He clawed at his belt and came up with a dagger, so Brienne cut his hand off. That one was for Jaime. "Mother have mercy," the Dornishman gasped, the blood bubbling from his mouth and spurting from his wrist. "Finish it. Send me back to Dorne, you bloody bitch."She did.

brienne literally kills one of the people in the brave companions after cutting his hand off saying *it’s for jaime* and after then she kills another (shagwell) after making him dig the graves for the others, AND:

"I have no spade.”"You have two hands." One more than you left Jaime."Why bother? Leave them for the crows."

that’s what she says before she stabs him to death and getting really worked up about it:

She knocked aside his arm and punched the steel into his bowels. "Laugh," she snarled at him. He moaned instead. "Laugh," she repeated, grabbing his throat with one hand and stabbing at his belly with the other. "Laugh!" She kept saying it, over and over, until her hand was red up to the wrist and the stink of the fool's dying was like to choke her. But Shagwell never laughed. The sobs that Brienne heard were all her own. When she realized that, she threw down her knife and shuddered.

like, tldr: we all focus (rightly) on jaime punching ronnet connington for disrespecting her (WITH THE FAKE HAND) but I don’t think as much on the fact that brienne killed two of the brave companions while thinking specifically of how they hurt him/maimed him and thinking that she’s doing it *for him*.

as in: to avenge the fact that he lost the hand because they took it from him.

now, this entire rant with probably too many quotes was to say that brienne cannot give a single fuck about whether jaime has the hand or not beyond thinking it was unfair and unjust to take it from him and leave him without rather than just kill him and she actually avenged it on what brave companions she ran into (which she couldn’t do when they were captured) and she’s into him to the point where (as stated above) she dreams about him all the time INCLUDING him putting a cloak on her and would rather die than bring stoneheart his head, and........ after all of this we really would assume that if they did the deed she wouldn’t not only not ignore that he has a maimed wrist but that she wouldn’t make sweet love to it? especially when according to her he’s omgamazinglybeautiful and she thinks she’s the ugly one that no one’s ever going to want? like, she doesn’t even think about the stump when she thinks about wanting to weep on the guy’s shoulder/when she wants him to come with her/when she thinks he looked like half a god/when she wants him to put a cloak on her or come back for her. she’ll take him exactly the way he is, stump or not, and since she’s seen worse than that - like fuck’s sake she spent time tied to him with the rotting hand in between them - I’m 100% sure that she would totally not shy away from loving all of him including the maimed wrist;

(mind that if you go back to what I was saying in the beginning ie that loss of the hand = loss of sense of security = loss of feeling safe but brienne is associated with a) keeping him safe, b) keeping him alive at both basic and not-so-basic-level, c) the rebirth imagery, d) literally caring for him regardless of her personal feelings......... if they actually become lovers the whole thing plays out because he doesn’t need the hand if he has her who is also framed as the knight to his damsel 98% of the time including in his head/when he dreams about her appearing and keeping him safe with oathkeeper just after he *frees* her ie lets her be the knight she’s meant to be, like literally the one time it doesn’t happen is the bear pit and she’s stuck with him through pretty much everything and has seen the best and worst of him and still didn’t leave [and he doesn’t know but she’s willing to get hanged for him], I mean can we get more obvious here?)

now, can she change his mind? well, if they have idk two years of uninterrupted marital bliss in which they have all the good kind of sex in the world and in which she does it first thing in the morning most likely yes, I mean, the moment he realizes he’s not his sword hand and that he has worth beyond it and that he doesn’t need it to be the person he always wanted to be (and he’s trying for that matter) then he’ll care a lot less about it/won’t hate it as much and if she shows him that she can’t care less it certainly will help, if one of them (or both) dies two months after they get together that might cause a problem X°D but in the best possible outcome (the first one ofc which is a prelude to THEY GROW OLD TOGETHER ON TARTH OR WHEREVER) sure thing he would get over it. tbh I think he should get over it within the end of the saga because that would be basically capping his arc if he lived while having become the person he always wanted to be without giving two fucks about the lack of hand or not but anyway that’s mvho;

tldr: yes he would change his mind. indeed. X°D

[glowwormsmith]

There's so many good prompts to choose from! I think I finally chose one though. I'd like to request #9 “You’re safe now. I’ve got you.” with John Seed x Fem!Deputy please! Thank you! :D

Thank you, anon! I hope I delivered on what you asked for! CW for: mild blood/gore, some suggestive talk (if you need tags let me know)

I’ve had shitty daysbefore, Rook thought, but this one takes the cake for sure. 

If she ever got out of thissituation, this would be one hell of a story to tell her kids. That is if shedidn’t bleed out all over the forest floor first.

It had started whenshe had been marked by John after blowing up his silos all over the valley. Shethen led the cult on a fun goose chase (well, fun for her at least) before she ranheadlong into a very angry grizzly. She barely escaped and found herselfstaggering away into the woods clutching her torn shoulder and ruined foot asher pursuers dealt with the beast. After limping past trees and losing blood,she found an abandoned home where she could recuperate. After all, there was still work to do and people to help.

She tripped upon theentrance-way and nearly fell face first, only catching herself clumsily on a nearby bookshelf that had certainly seen better days. A pained cry escaped her throat as her ankle twisted, but she kept it together. Grimacing, shepulled herself up, wincing and groaning as she found her sight blurring at theedges from the pain. Her chest was tight, and even breathing was beginning to be a struggle.

Stop…being weak…Head to…couch…She found herselfflopping onto the couch, leaning back against it as she gazed at her shoulder,foot forgotten. God…don’t let…that bebone…

While she was able to useher meager medical supplies to perform some field medicine, Rook knewthis wasn’t enough and she pulled out her radio to contact anyone out there.

Wished I…had brought someone along with me…no one knows… “H-Hello? An..yone outthere? I…I need some help.”

After some silence, avoice she really didn’t want to hear came on. “Well, Deputy, it seems your in a bit of a situation. Ready to come tome and confess?”

“Fuck…me…’course ithad to be…you,” she said, gritting out the words. “No, I’m…good, you canjust…gahh, fuckin’ ribs…”

“You don’t sound good. Where are you?” It may have been becauseof the blood loss, but she could have sworn his tone had become a bit lesssmarmy. More strained.

“A bear…attacked me. Gotmy shoulder, every…thing hurts…went into a house, no people. There’sa…cute piggy sign out front though…cute piggy…” She felt her eyes closingas she turned to look at the out-of-focus sign out front. “Fuck…guess I’lldie…good for you and your family, you…won…”

She thought she heardhim calling her name and angry, tense shouting coming closer, but it was harderto focus when she wanted to just close her eyes and drift off.

It’s better this way…no more cult, no more Seed’s, no moreresponsibility or guilt or being everyone’s hero…

Rook’s eyes eventuallyopened to an unfamiliar ceiling, sight still blurry. She felt sore, but not in overwhelming pain like previously.Her body was heavy, but comfortable and it took her cloudy mind to realize shewas on a bed in a relatively dark, small room. As her senses were coming backto her, she realized her arms were tied together to the bed post and her ruinedfoot was bound in a cast.

God really is cruel, huh? As soon as she was putting two and twotogether, the door opened and she felt her stomach churn when she saw thefamiliar face strode in.

“Ah, Sleeping Beauty hasfinally awoken,” John said, approaching the bed with a smirk. He was way toocheery about all this. “Here I was worried the Bliss concentration given to youwas too much, but the Lord truly delivers.”

As Rook tried to pullherself up, wincing from the pain in her shoulder and chest, she felt himgently push her down.

“Don’t push yourself.You have at least three broken ribs, a damaged shoulder that needed severalstitches, and a sprained foot. You’ll just end up hurting yourself even more.”

She tried to mumble outa “fuck you,” but her tongue felt like lead, so she simply opted for a raised,shaky middle finger, barely formed from her tied-up hands.

“Charming. You should bethanking me for saving your life, you know,” John said, letting out a wistfulsigh. “That wrath of yours will be the death of you if you continue acting thisway.” He then walked over to a table and pulled out a small box.

Shit, here it comes. Rook did her best to move away from John as he camecloser. “D-Don’t…”

“Stop squirming. I’m simply changing your bandages. Or do you want one of the followers whose family orfriends you slaughtered to actually do the treatment?”

Rook looked to see thatit was a medical kit and John was holding bandages. He helped her sit up and shereluctantly agreed. Upon realizing she was only in a white cotton bra and plainshorts (definitely not her ruined, ratty one), in front of one of her greatestenemies, she attempted to pull the sheets over her.

“Don’t tell me the greatDeputy is too coy to let anyone see her like this?” John said, smirk returningas his eyes trailed a bit over her body. A sharp glare from Rook caused him tolift his hands, his manner softening. “I’m hurt you’d think I would do anythingunseemly. I am just trying to help; may I proceed?”

She sighed, realizingshe wouldn’t get better quicker and escape if she put up too much of astruggle. She nodded and allowed herself to relax, though her gaze was stillwary. As John tended to her injuries, the only sound being his soft hummingthat Rook did find (reluctantly) soothing, she cleared her dry throat andasked, “Why?”

“Hmm? I do have someexperience with patching injuries up and I don’t exactly trust others to dothis job right…”

She shook her head. “No,I mean…why help me? You could’ve let me die. Get rid of a huge problem. WhenI get better, I’ll just go right back into stopping you and your family’splans. So why…you in love with me or something?” she added the last partjokingly.

John scoffed indignantlyas he finished up his task, but Rook could have sworn she saw his cheeks turn abit pink. He’d almost be dashing andsweet if not for the whole insane cultist gig.

“Don’t be absurd;falling for a hellcat like you? Ihave standards, and Joseph would never allow it. But if you think you canescape your atonement for all that you’ve done through death, you have thewrong idea. And don’t think I’ll let you leave now that I have you. Once youget better, the confession will begin. I think you’ll be more…willing as wespend some quality time together as you heal. I believe you’ll be begging to embrace the Power of Yes inno time.”

It was Rook’s turn toscoff as John stood up, med kit in his hands and still smiling smarmy. Shecould feel her throat tightening once more as she cursed her currentpredicament. “And here I thought you actually had a shred of human compassionand decency. Too bad, and here I might have grown fond of you.”

A small snort oflaughter came from John as he laid a hand on top of her head. While she tensedup from his touch, she didn’t shake it off as she held eye contact with him,trying to be tougher than she felt.

“There’s nothing toworry about, Deputy. You’re safe now. I’vegot you,” he said, an odd glint in his eyes that made Rook gulp.

Yeah, I feel safer already.

[killerqueenjoy]

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

eh

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

no

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

[frost-felon]

Simple. Trying to fix my sleep schedule, thus being awake for several hours without a clear mind

+ Obito x Reader or other NSFW headcanons being so frequent in the tags

= Me second-guessing my initial thought, which /was/ just "Ah, yeah, Obito could probably use a cane." He's not shown signs of a walking disability since he completed his lonesome physical therapy, but it's reasonable. That said, because of the previously mentioned factors, my brain basically went, 'Ah, actually, they might be sharing a kink, especially given the #hey look jules is projecting again' tag.

I had no idea that you meant you related due to having a disability, since I haven't seen much before from you. That said, my apologies for this undeniably weird fucking reblog.

EDIT: My first edit apparently flew into the void, so. Bear in mind that when I wrote this post, it was some time after I'd woken up and saw your response the first time. Not sure how I managed to forget to post, other than that this was in my drafts.

H e l l

obito uses a cane and thats that on that

[justagayguysworld-blog]

Not sure what you will think of this one, but my mind inhabits the most unusual of places.

It was the last beer and we'd shared it on the way to town for another twelve-pack. I barely knew Antonio. He'd only been there a couple of weeks, but it was the damnedest thing I'd ever seen. Nobody, and I do mean nobody, could talk to a horse the way he did. I thought it was a fluke the first time. Then he did it again and I knew it couldn't be natural.

We had a contract with the state for wild mustang management. It wasn't the easiest job in the world, but I liked the outdoors and it beat hell out of watching my old man slap his third or fourth wife around. Maybe Sheila was the fifth; I'd stopped counting or giving much of a shit by that point. For my purposes at nineteen, it was a godsend they'd hired me and paid my bus fare to Utah. We rounded them up, checked them for diseases, tagged them, sold off the limit, gave them their shots and then trucked them back to the desert.

I'd been at the ranch for maybe three months when he came up one night seemingly outta nowhere and sat next to me at the fire. I greeted him in what little Spanish I knew. "Save it, dude. I speak English." And that was that.

One of the stallions was raising bloody hell in the pen and stirring up the other horses. I stood up to see if I could go quiet him down. Antonio braced a hand on my knee and said as he was standing, "Can I borrow that? Thanks." He took the beer out of my hand, turned it up and walked over to the corral with it in his hand. Sitting the bottle on the post, he hopped the fence, picked the bottle up and walked straight over to the hellraiser.

Just walked inside like he owned the place. He was fixing to get trampled to death near as I could tell, when he grabbed that bad boy by his mane and said something. The horse shook its head side to side. Antonio jerked harder on a handful of hair, the horse quieted down and lowered its head. Then the crazy fuck turned up that bottle, and I swear to God, I saw a mustang down the rest of my beer.

Tossing the bottle over, he walked back to the fence and hopped it again like nothing had happened. Picking up the empty he came back to the campfire and said, "Sorry about that. Can I get you another?"

Stunned, I asked, "What the fuck was that about?"

"Horses can smell fear. And some of them like beer." He walked away leaving me gape-jawed and went to the bunkhouse for another round. When he came back with our longnecks, he twisted the lid off one with his forefinger and thumb. I'd never seen anyone do that either.

Bottle in hand, I asked, "Where you from?"

"Can't say exactly. I tend to move around a lot. Guess you could call me a restless spirit." Bending down, he placed the same hand on my knee again to sit like an old man trying to find his bearings and steady himself. I hadn't noticed it earlier, but the chill of his touch radiated through my jeans to my kneecap.

The hand was just as icy when he extended it. "Antonio. What's your name, cowboy?"

"Jason. Jason Sparks. But most people just call me Rufus or asshole. Seems I'm the low man on the totem pole around here."

He laughed and said, "Not anymore. I just blew into town. I'll be working the night shift."

"Night shift? I wasn't aware we had one."

"Yeah, I'm something of a specialist. These positions can be hard to fill. Not everybody can handle an alcoholic horse with bad dreams."

I literally fell off the log laughing. Struggling to get up, Antonio grabbed the collar of my jacket and pulled me back to an upright position. Without any real effort on my part, I found my ass firmly planted on the log again. If he was superman, I didn't see where he could be hiding the muscles. We were about the same size and weight from what I could tell. He chuckled and mumbled something about horses not being the only alcoholics in those parts.

"I'll drink to that. Let me get us one more beer and then I guess I'll turn in for the night. Where are you bunking?"

"Next to you if there's room still available at the inn. Larry said to grab any empty bed I could find. And yours kind of looked like a mess when I was stowing my gear. But at least it didn't smell like shit."

Stopping to take a piss I wondered how he knew which bed was mine, but in the quest for brewskis I'd forgotten the question by the time I returned. As if reading the mind I was in the process of losing, he stated very matter-of-factly, "You don't smell like a cowboy or a horse with a drinking problem."

Not knowing exactly how to or if I should reply, I thought a moment and said, "Generally speaking, I don't go around smelling cowboys or their sheets, and I damned sure ain't smelling a horse's breath to see if they've been drinking."

He must've sensed my unease. Clinking his bottle against mine, he offered, "Sorry, I have a really weird nose. It smells the strangest damned things. Guess that's why I'm good with the horses. I smell what they smell."

"Ain't nothing wrong with your nose, Antonio," I blurted out. "You have a real nice nose. Most of these ugly old bastards have had their's broken in so many bar fights, I don't really want to think about it, much less how they smell."

Bumping his shoulder against mine, he clinked his nearly empty bottle to mine and said, "Yeah, I'll take loving over fighting any time I can. Probably why I get along with the horses and avoid divorces.

We had minimal contact after that. Other than rolling over or the occasional fart, I didn't hear much out of him for the next two weeks. Except in my dreams if I'm going to be perfectly damned honest about this. And generally speaking, I didn't have much of a habit dreaming about other men, at least not in that way. But there he was, more than once, pretty damned specifically. If I'd been anyone else, it would've been hard to ignore. Only I'd learned to master any direct concern for my actual feelings, and dick management had never been an issue for me personally.

The crew I was working was out on range management. I'd barely been back to the place long enough to sleep, much less for fireside chitchat. Then Saturday night came, we were going to take a couple days off and there he was. Just like in my damned dreams. I have no reason to lie. It was disconcerting when I saw him sprawled out there next to the fire. Not a care in the world, acting as if he'd grown up right out of the ground on that very spot, he smiled.

Looking me directly in the eye as if he hadn't invaded my dreams, he said casually as a cousin, "Hey Jason Sparks, if you're going to the house, could you grab me another cold one?" It had been a particularly hard week, I was bone-ass tired and his nose still wasn't broken in six different places. Two beers later we were left alone with a raging fire and the feelings I was experiencing that matched that blaze. I really wanted to kick his ass. Antonio had seriously fucked with my head, and he didn't seem to know or at least care.

He got up for the third round. It wasn't my knee he touched that sent icy shivers up my spine this time. It was my thigh. About three inches below the part that separates the men from the boys. Close enough for discomfort, I met his glaze and that fire was dancing in his eyes. His nose still wasn't broken, but the quiet smirk on his face made me seriously think about rearranging it.

Fucker scratched my head as he walked away like I was some kind of damned puppy in love. Brought back another round and said, "These are the last ones, Jason Sparks. Let's polish them off and make a run into town. I'm still thirsty. If you'll drive, I'll buy."

That was the night and I guess the moment that changed or ended my life. Something deep inside me could hear it slowly rumbling. I'd seen it in those dreams. I simply didn't have the power to say no or the least of will to fight him. And we weren't struggling. I guess that was what's so odd about it. Everything in my body and soul knew it was happening, even if my conscious mind was slow in catching up. I wanted him. I'd be the worst kind of liar if I said I didn't. And I knew he knew it.

He took my hand and pulled me up off the ground. I could've just as easily staggered to my feet of my own accord. But he wanted that ice running through my veins clashing with my toasted toes inside those boots. And I felt it. Felt it thoroughly as we climbed in the truck and started the motor. Only once did he touch my body on the way to the store. It was completely casual and anything but innocent as the shivers raced up and down my spine.

He went in and came out. I felt very strange. Almost in an out-of-body floating feeling I drove away into the darkness of the rural night. I still remember. It was as vivid, quiet and unstoppable as a freight train bearing down on the family sedan stalled on the side of the tracks.

"Pull over." I could've kept driving, but the truth was that I'd pulled over two weeks before. "I said pull over, Jason Sparks." He didn't have to ask again. And the truth, as he very well knew, is that I'd been wanting to pull over my whole life. The cab of the truck was full of echoes and whispers as I floated above my body while it and he crawled into the back seat. Voices were everywhere, the engine was running and for the first time in my life I didn't give a damn.

I thought in some delirious way I was about to kiss a boy, but that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all. My feelings, those secreted desires weren't important. We weren't boys. I'd become a man without realizing or acknowledging it, and that brief period of my life was about to end abruptly.

It was brutal. How could I possibly forget when he folded down the lambswool collar of my jacket and sunk his teeth into my flesh? I could've fought him off, but I'd already struggled my whole life to be something different than what I was. Antonio was reconciling my conflicts, meeting my innermost longings and he'd bought the beer.