#I WROTE 9.5K WORDS IN LIKE 3 DAYS

[maddogmp3]

the only feeling worse than knowing you're having a manic episode is the terrible sense of dread of it ending 👍

[laurenairay]

Summer days pass me by - T. Jost

“I feel like I’m stuck, doing the same thing over and over with the same nothing at the end. I need to do something new. Wanna help me make this the best summer ever?”

“You do know that sounds like the start of a coming of age film, right?”

Summary: Mollie Thomas has been friends with Tyson Jost since they were children – but this summer by the lake could change everything.

Warnings: childhood friends to lovers, some bad language, a little angst

Word Count: 9.5k

A/N: I love Tyson Jost so much – this is a super indulgent fic that I started back in August 2020, and it’s been one hell of a journey writing it, including a complete rewrite about 2/3 through. This OC was actually the first one I ever attempted on hockeyblr, although I’ve since written a fair few in stories I've since posted over the years, and she holds a special place in my heart.

This Tyson blurb I wrote in July 2022 is what inspired me to rewrite this story (and thank you @bqstqnbruin for all the encouragement to finish it!).

~

If there was one thing about summer that Mollie Thomas loved the most, it was being by the lake. As soon as the weather was good enough, she would head up there with friends to relax, have barbecues and mess around on the water. Being by the lake simply was the epitome of summer, sunshine and friendship – she’d grown up doing it, her parents trusting her to go alone since the age of 15, and now 10 years later (despite some friends moving away), she still loved nothing more than watching the days roll on by from the lakeshore.

Utter bliss.

Mollie had been teaching history at the local Kelowna high school ever since graduating from the local college three years ago, and when the weather started getting consistently sunny, she even went up to the lake some evenings after work, depending on who was around. But now that the end of the school year was approaching, she would no longer be restricted to the occasional evening after work, and she honestly couldn’t wait.

Why? Because soon one of her best friends would be coming back to Kelowna for the summer. Tyson Jost.

Mollie had known Tyson ever since he’d moved to Kelowna to live with his grandparents when he was 13, his family's house being down the road from Mollie’s family. Her older brother John had been on the same hockey team as Tyson, so he’d always been around – but with John being a couple of years older than them, Tyson and Mollie had become fast friends.

Sure, things had become harder when Tyson had gotten more serious with ice hockey. When Mollie’s brother John had quit playing, choosing to focus on school instead, Mollie had been worried that they wouldn’t want to hang out any more – but that wasn’t the case. Hockey or no hockey, Tyson had always been there for her, and she knew she could count on him for anything.

He was the guy that encouraged her to get out of her comfort zone. He was the guy that turned to her for help asking out his first girlfriend Sarah Cooper. He was the guy that punched her first boyfriend for kissing Jenny Prince behind her back. He was the guy that made her laugh down the phone when college had been stressful. He was the only guy that she would wear another team’s colours for whenever he played against the Canucks. He was the guy that called her with a broken heart when the Avs had traded him. He was the guy that she looked forward to seeing most every summer, and she couldn’t wait to see him this year.

She missed him – who could blame her?

It was a Sunday afternoon, just about to head into the last week of the school year, and Mollie was soaking up the sun by the lake with some of her best friends; Bryony, Louis, Michael, Chase and Allison. There had been other people hanging out with them in the morning, including Mollie’s brother John and his wife Michelle, but the remaining six were the tightest group. So tight, that they’d all chipped in to rent a cottage together this summer, Allison’s uncle owning a couple in the area and offering them first dibs. Naturally, they’d all sprung at the chance of having a summer home base, even if not all of them were there all the time, so Mollie had that to look forward to starting next weekend, the moment that the school year ended. Bryony, Louis and Michael were also teachers, although across various different schools to Mollie, so at least she wouldn’t be the only one up at the cottage during the weekdays.

“Anyone for a refill?”

Mollie turned her head to the camping chair next to her, watching Bryony stand up and wiggle her empty can in the air. Mollie nodded, smiling at her friend, and a few others nodded too. As soon as Bryony walked away, Allison plunked down in the vacated seat, turning to Mollie with a grin.

Allison was probably Mollie’s closest girlfriend in Kelowna – also living on the same street as Mollie’s family – and while the two of them couldn’t have looked more different (Allison a curvaceous insta-airbushed blonde compared to Mollie’s chestnut hair and tomboy runner’s body), Allison had encouraged Mollie to be as confident and friendly as her, and Mollie was forever grateful. Sure, Allison was an incorrigible flirt and flitted between jobs, and sure Mollie had her moments where her anxiety got the better of her – but Allison was as close a friend to her as Tyson was, and Mollie loved that.

Even when Allison’s grin spelled troublemaker, like it did right now as Allison got comfy in Bryony’s vacated chair.

“So you know how my Uncle’s got me helping out with administration for his holiday home rentals this summer, in exchange for us getting our cottage for a lower price?” Allison prompted.

Mollie raised an eyebrow at the glee in her friend’s voice. Whatever it was, clearly she was excited about it – and considering that the cottage had been a good deal, clearly this was good gossip.

“Yeah, I remember…why?” Mollie mused.

“Well, a couple of cottages on this side of the lake have been rented…one of them by someone you know very well…”

Mollie knew her friend meant well, but this cryptic stuff was not helping.

“Out with it, Ally,” Mollie said bluntly.

“Tyson rented the cottage closest to ours for two months,” Allison grinned.

What?

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

“He’s going to be here all summer?” Mollie asked, excited.

“Yep! As far as I’ve heard, Tyson’s got some buddies coming up to stay with him at various points, and probably his sister too. I don’t know when or for how long, but there’s definitely enough rooms for all of them in that cabin to be there together so it’s going to be so much fun!” Allison told her, “Now that I think about it, I probably wasn’t meant to tell you. Tyson was probably keeping it as a surprise. Oops.”

Mollie just giggled, too happy to care that Tyson hadn’t said anything to her about his plans. It had been too long since she’d seen her childhood friend – summers just weren’t enough time with him – and knowing that he was going to be around for two solid months just made her heart soar. This was everything.

“Oh man, this is going to be the best summer,” Mollie sighed happily.

“Maybe this summer you and Tyson will finally admit how much you love each other.”

Mollie rolled her eyes, shaking her head. For some reason, Allison (and the rest of their other friends) had it in their heads that her friendship with Tyson was more than platonic. Sometimes it got really annoying because honestly nothing had ever happened between them (not even a hint of an almost) but she tried not to let it bug her. She knew where she stood with Tyson – yeah, he was incredibly handsome, with a good heart and a wonderful smile, but she wouldn’t trade their friendship for anything. Ever.

“We’re just friends, Ally-cat,” Mollie sing-songed, rolling her eyes.

“We’ll see,” Allison sing-songed back.

Honestly. Troublemaker.

Mollie ignored her friend’s laughter as she pulled out her phone, opening up her text thread with Tyson.

From: Mollie

A little birdy tells me you’ve rented a cabin by the lake for the summer…

Mollie barely had to wait a couple of minutes before her phone buzzed with a reply.

From: Tyson

I swear Ally can’t keep her mouth shut.

I was trying to surprise you!

Mollie giggled to herself, ignoring Allison’s wriggling eyebrows.

From: Mollie

Trust me, I’m surprised.

School finishes next week – I can’t wait to see you!

It really had been too long.

“Tell your future husband we miss him!” Allison crowed.

“Oh you’re texting Tyson? Say hi from me!” Chase grinned from across the chair circle.

Mollie stuck her tongue out at him as Allison cackled next to her. Her friends were such dicks sometimes.

From: Mollie

The gang say hi and that they all miss you

“Done, happy?” Mollie said dryly.

“Extremely,” Allison grinned, looking like the cat that ate the canary.

“I don’t know why I like you at all,” Mollie said bluntly, although her smile gave away her lie.

Allison just wriggled her eyebrows again, earning laughter from the whole group and another eye roll from Mollie.

From: Tyson

Hi back from me!

I miss them too

I miss you the most

Mollie’s eyes widened slightly, a light flush warming her cheeks. What? Why was she reacting like this? Tyson said that all the time. Kind of. No, stop it. Mollie swallowed heavily, keeping her eyes down to avoid a reaction from their friends.

From: Mollie

I miss you too

With that, Mollie shoved her phone back into her pocket, just in time for Bryony to arrive with a fresh round of beers, which Mollie was more than grateful for. What was that all about?

~

“I am so ready for a drink.”

“Make it two,” Mollie mused, grinning at Allison’s words.

“Make it three,” Chase laughed, “I can’t wait to cool off in the lake, it’s too damn hot today.”

That was an understatement. The temperature was sweltering and even just thinking about jumping into the cold water was almost too much to bear. Mollie been waiting all week for this Friday evening – while the four of them who were teachers had been up at the lake during the week every day since their schools finished for the summer a week ago, Allison and Chase had weekday 9-5s, so Mollie had volunteered to drive back into town to bring them out for the weekend, finally bringing their big friendship group together in their rented cabin for the summer. Of course Mollie had visited her family (with her brother John and his wife Michelle reminding her they wouldn’t be up at the lake until next week) to fill the time while she waited for Allison and Chase to be ready, as well as stocking up on supplies, but now Mollie was more than ready to kick back and relax.

After she’d been in the water, of course.

Thankfully Mollie had put a bikini on underneath her clothes, just a simple little red thing, before picking up her friends today, so as soon as she’d parked outside their cabin, brought the cooler of drinks and snacks into the kitchen, and dumped her duffel bag by the stairs, she stripped off her clothes as she walked towards the tempting water. Bryony wolf-whistled as Mollie walked past the three who were already there, and Mollie just flipped them all off with a grin, kicking off her shoes quickly before taking off in a run down the dock and diving into the water.

Bliss.

Allison and Chase, both having stripped down to their swimsuits too, wasted no time in joining Mollie in the water, and all Mollie could do was smile as she resurfaced. This was summer. All of them together in glorious weather at the most beautiful place in Kelowna. What more could she ever want?

“LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!”

Mollie turned her head at Michael’s hollering, grinning at the sight of the familiar figure walked over from the neighbouring cabin. Tyson. Mollie eagerly hauled herself back up onto the dock, slipping back into her shoes and picking up a towel from the stack at the beginning of the dock to dry herself off with as she walked back to the cabins, waving hello as she got closer.

“There you are.”

Mollie just grinned and threw her arms around Tyson’s neck, him just laughing as he picked her up, swinging her round in a circle, not seeming to care that she was getting him wet.

“You’d think you were happy to see me or something,” Tyson teased, setting her back on her feet.

“Oh hush, you know I am,” Mollie sighed happily, running the towel over her wet hair, “Are you happy to be back here?”

“You know it,” he nodded, smiling sweetly at her, “even more so knowing that I’m nowhere near Buffalo and that you’re here.”

Well Mollie would never say no to a bit of Tyson charm.

“Flattery gets you everywhere, Mr Jost,” she mused, trying to calm her racing heart.

It wasn’t fair that nothing about him had changed at all and yet somehow his pretty curls and pretty face were even more handsome since she’d last seen him. So unfair.

“HEY LOVEBIRDS!”

A shout from Bryony broke Mollie out of her thoughts, and she saw Tyson blush fiercely as they both looked at the group by the chairs to see them all smirking at the two of them. And to think it was usually Allison who was the troublemaker. Mollie just flipped them all double birds, earning laughter.

“We’d better go before people start talking eh?” she laughed, trying to hide her blush.

“Let them talk,” Tyson grinned, but starting walking over to the ring of chairs anyway.

It wasn’t fair that her stomach filled with butterflies at the simple sight of his smile.

As Louis handed Mollie a cold white claw, Tyson already having one in hand, she took the empty seat at Tyson’s side. By the time that Allison and Chase hauled themselves out the water to join the group, they were all well on their way to catching up.

They talked about Bryony and Louis still being together, their relationship going on 5 years strong. They talked about Allison losing another job, her uncle having taken pity on her and letting her do his administration for the summer cabins he owned. They talked about the school year, how parents and kids were a stressful nightmare most days now. They talked about Tyson’s season, sort of, Tyson just saying that he was happy to be back up from the AHL. They talked about Tyson’s sister Kacey, how she was kicking ass and taking names. They talked about Chase’s hard-earned promotion at work, finally getting the recognition he deserved. They talked about all the plans they had for the next two months here at the lake and the more they talked and drank and laughed, Mollie just sank back in her chair, taking everything in, soaking everything up.

This really was heaven.

Tyson noticed her relax back in her chair and just smiled at her, earning a genuine smile back. Yeah this was going to be a summer to remember, she could feel it.

~

Another couple of days passed at the lake cabin, Chase and Allison heading back into town while Tyson stayed at his place, and Mollie couldn’t be happier. Happy enough to make breakfast pancakes and bacon for Bryony, Louis and Michael after she showered following her early run around the lake, leaving it all in the oven for them with a note while she cleared up. Breakfast she could handle – it was the little things. She knew her friends would appreciate it anyway.

As she was taking out the trash though, she spotted Tyson doing exactly the same from his cabin, and waved enthusiastically at him, grinning as he laughed. He was clearly still adjusting to waking up early, same as she was – he still looked a little bleary eyed as they walked towards the end of their driveways.

“Good morning Tys!” she said cheerfully.

“Morning!” he mused.

She jogged over to him, Tyson catching her in a hug as she reached his side, making her laugh and squeeze him back tightly. Mornings like this were exactly what she had missed while he was away. As she pulled away though, her phone buzzed with a series of texts, and she pulled out her phone only to frown at the sender. Her ex. Ew. He really wasn’t getting the hint.

“Who’s making your face do that?”

Mollie cursed under her breath and tucked her phone away with.

“It’s no-one,” she said simply, willing him to let it go.

“No-one doesn’t make you grimace like that,” Tyson pointed out, “And it doesn’t make you hide it from me. So who is it?”

She really couldn’t pretend around him, could she? And it wasn’t like he hadn’t heard about her terrible ex boyfriends before.

“It’s my ex. Justin. It’s been six months since I caught him texting other girls with all the things he wanted to do to them, and while I don’t know if he physically cheated, I still kicked him to the curb the moment I found out. Every now and again he blows up my phone, even though I never answer him,” Mollie explained, “His mom even knows and yells at him for bugging me. He’ll get bored soon enough.”

Yeah, this latest ex wasn’t exactly one of her finest choices.

The deep frown that shifted onto Tyson’ face was an interesting reaction though.

“If he doesn’t leave you alone, tell me. I still know enough people in this town, and I can hunt him down and punch him if he doesn’t back off.”

A rush of heat went through her veins at his words, a flush spreading across her cheeks.

There was a flashback in her mind to when they were 15, when Tyson found out that her first boyfriend Todd kissed Jenny Prince behind her back, and sucker-punched him at school in her honour. It was a beautiful memory. And to know that he’d still defend her like that?

“You always were my knight in shining armour,” Mollie teased.

But Tyson just shrugged. “You know I’ve got your back no matter what. That’s what best friends are for.”

Such a sweetheart.

Something about his tone though, how seriously he’d taken her words, made Mollie keep her eye on Tyson throughout the day, and by the time that late afternoon rolled around when their barbecue was in full swing, she finally cornered him again. There was just something in his eyes that looked…tense. It wasn’t the Tyson she knew and it worried her that even in the most relaxing place in Kelowna, he still looked so stressed.

“Hey, Tys, fresh beer?”

Tyson smiled his thanks, taking it with a nod. There was no one else standing too closely so she didn’t feel bad for confronting him like this, not at all.

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?” she said softly.

Tyson’s eyes widened a little, before he huffed out a laugh.

“There’s no point hiding anything with you, is there?”

Just like her with him. But Mollie winced. “If there’s something you don’t actually want to talk about, then I’m not going to push. That’s the last thing I want.”

Tyson just nodded, taking a sip of his beer, as if to steel himself. Clearly this was more than passing worry. What was going on?

“Every summer I’ve ever had has been the same. Arrive back to Kelowna, get sympathy and pitying smiles for how shitty the season was, hanging about by the lake, train, start hockey again. I’m tired of it,” Tyson groaned.

“Tired of it?” she asked, confused, trying to understand what he meant.

Surely he didn’t mean he was tired of hockey? She knew how much the sport meant to him.

“I’m tired, Mollie. I feel like I’m stuck, doing the same thing over and over with the same nothing at the end. I need to do something new or I feel like I’m going to go crazy,” Tyson sighed.

Okay, okay that she could manage.

“It must be so frustrating, pouring your whole heart into the sport you love, and not getting the reward you deserve. And the fact that you still feel like this in the off season? That’s not good, Tys,” Mollie murmured, “What can I do to help?”

He sent her a sad smile.

“I’m not sure, really. If I don’t know what I can do, I don’t know what anyone else can do,” he said softly, “But being here with you right now, talking with you like this, I appreciate it. I don’t exactly trust many people with my full thoughts like this.”

That both saddened her and made her heart soar. The fact that he didn’t really have anyone else he could really talk to was devastating…but the fact that he trusted her enough? That was everything.

“Then we can talk and vent and rant and scream as much as you need. And we’ll build your happiness back up, just like you deserve. I’m here for you, Tyson,” she said firmly.

“Yeah?”

That smile would be the end of her, she just knew it.

“Yeah, I mean it,” she nodded, helpless to do anything but smile back.

“Wanna help me make this the best summer ever?” he grinned.

“You do know that sounds like the start of a coming of age film, right?” Mollie teased.

Tyson nudged her with his shoulder, earning a nudge back.

“Is that a yes?” he asked, hope filling his voice.

“Obviously,” she grinned.

How could she say no to him?

But as she looked into his eyes, there was something in his gaze that made her breath hitch in her chest, her grin sliding from her face. Tyson seemed to be caught in the moment too as his own face drifted into neutral, his eyes locked on hers in return. She didn’t realise how close they had shifted until her fingers brushed against his arm, Tyson’s eyes darting down to where they were touching before he looked back up at her. Her heart was pounding, ears full of a rushing sound, her thoughts filled with nothing but the dazed look on Tyson’s face.

It was when his gaze flicked down to her lips that she jolted out of her reverie, just in time for a couple of shrieks and splashes came from the end of the dock.

Fuck. Fuck.

What was that? What the hell was that?

“Mollie…” Tyson murmured, fingers brushing against hers finally.

“I’m going to get some more food,” she said quickly, stepping backwards.

It took all her strength to turn away from the confused hurt expression on Tyson’s face, and walk over to join Bryony and Louis at the barbecue, plastering a smile on her face as her head whirled, desperately trying not to panic. Tyson had almost kissed her. She had almost kissed Tyson. Tyson wanted to kiss her. She wanted to kiss Tyson. Did she want to kiss Tyson?

Of course she wanted to.

But since when did she give into fleeting desires around him? And since when did he ever look at her like that? No, she couldn’t deal with this. She wouldn’t, not tonight. Maybe not ever. What the hell, Tyson?

~

Tyson and Mollie didn’t talk about the moment they shared at all. The first two weeks of their two month summer, almost a full week since that fateful night, passed quickly and the longer they went not mentioning it, Mollie found herself burying the topic completely. From Wednesday morning to Friday midday, Mollie, Tyson, Bryony, Louis and Chase all quickly fell into a routine that she knew would carry on for the rest of the summer. Mollie did her usual run along the lake front each morning, with Bryony and Tyson joining her for a yoga session today, the Friday morning. She spent each day cycling through swimming, sunbathing, and reading, all of the group taking it in turns to cook dinner while sorting out their own lunches. She kayaked with Chase and Tyson for a couple of hours before lunch on Thursday, the three of them paddling in a comfortable silence most the way, taking pictures to make their friends jealous of the beautiful views.

And now Bryony and Louis were back from their grocery run for the barbecue tonight, to celebrate Mollie’s brother John and his wife Michelle coming up for the weekend, as well as Tyson’s friends Mat and Dante arriving ahead of their own week’s stay. They’d all met Mat and Dante before, the two of them joining Tyson for a few summer’s now (and Dante joining on his own the year before that started) so Mollie was well prepared for the chaos those two always seemed to bring. At least in comparison to the peace and calm that Tyson’s friend JT brought when he visited (which he would be doing for two weeks after Dante and Mat left).

It was going to be an interesting stretch of time, that was for sure.

After Tyson had gotten his friends settled in, they immediately joined Mollie’s group to chill on the clearing by the dock, relaxing for a few hours before they needed to start prepping for the barbecue tonight. Chase and Allison wouldn’t be joining them until later, and neither would John and Michelle, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t have fun before then.

“We’ve got snacks and fresh fruit and cold beers, help yourselves,” Michael grinned, waving towards the coolers on the back decking of their cabin.

Mat, Dante, and Tyson saluted, making them all laugh, Tyson carrying over their own crate of beers to add to the coolers too. Mollie just stayed silent, offering Tyson a small smile, to which he sent a hesitant one back. Great. He was still going to be awkward around his friends too. With a quiet sigh, quiet enough that no-one else heard it, she laid back down on her deckchair, eager to let the sun wash away the underlying tension she was desperate to ignore.

Maybe with his friends here, Tyson would get over the awkwardness and they could return to normal. At least, she hoped they could. She didn’t know what she would do if they didn’t.

~

“So, Mollie looks good, huh?”

“Don’t even think about it Barzy,” Tyson scowled.

Dante and Mat looked at each other only briefly before bursting into laughter.

“We know she’s yours, Josty. Chill,” Dante snickered.

“She’s not mine,” Tyson shot back, narrowing his eyes.

His friends just laughed harder.

“Yeah okay, and you totally weren’t distracted when she was sunbathing in that tiny pink bikini this afternoon, right,” Mat teased.

“I swear, I will throw you in the lake.”

~

The weekend was…odd, to say the least. Mollie didn’t spend nearly as much time with Tyson as she normally did, mostly because he looked like he didn’t know what to say to her and she didn’t have a clue what to say to him. She got away with it though, having her brother and sister-in-law up at the cabin, and Tyson having his friends to distract him. She had to get over this weirdness. She needed to.

On the Sunday evening, when her brother John and Michelle drove back into town, she followed them back, staying at her apartment for a night ahead of a family dinner their mom had insisted on for the Monday night. It wasn’t a hardship to take a little break from the cabin, using the time to pamper herself with a long bath and a face mask, giving herself the time to refresh. And Monday she spent giving her apartment a giant deep clean, driving all thoughts from her mind until she only had enough time to shower and change before heading over to her parents house.

“Mollie! Baby! Are you eating enough?”

Mollie just rolled her eyes fondly at her mom’s greeting.

“Nice to see you too mom. I brought wine,” she mused, stepping into her childhood home.

“Ooh, I do love a good cabernet, thank you darling. John and Michelle are already here – they’re with your dad in the den,” her mom said cheerfully, “I’m just finishing up in here!”

“I’ll help you, mom. It’s been a while.”

Mollie’s mom just beamed at her, kissing her cheek before wandering back into the kitchen. She followed with a smile on her face, heart bursting with the love that only a mom could cause, her mom especially. Mollie put on the apron that her mom passed her, the two of them chopping vegetables for the salad in a comfortable silence, Mollie just enjoying her mom dancing along to the radio while they worked. True to her word, they didn’t take long to finish preparing everything, and in no time at all, her mom was calling everyone to the table for dinner.

Incredible chicken pot pie, with creamy mash, a variety of greens, and homemade gravy, with a fruit cobbler for dessert. This was exactly what she needed.

What she didn’t need was her brother opening his mouth the moment that they finished eating.

“So mom, has Mollie told you about Tyson yet?”

What the hell?

“No? Is everything okay?” her mom asked, voice full of concern as she turned to look at Mollie.

She kicked her brother under the table but he just smiled sweetly at her. Her older brother was such a child.

“He’s fine mom. A little stressed after the season, but fine,” Mollie said, as calmly as she could.

“I was talking about all the flirting actually,” John said innocently.

“Shut up, John! There hasn’t been any flirting!” she hissed.

He was a dead man. Michelle could move on happily.

“Flirting?” her dad frowned.

“Flirting?!” her mom cried happily.

For fuck’s sake. She needed to nip this in the bud before her mom pulled out her scrapbooks.

“There is no flirting. John is delusional, maybe a touch of heat stroke. You really check that out for him, Michelle,” Mollie said firmly, her sister-in-law just sending her a pitying smile, “Tyson and I don’t flirt with each other.”

“It’s been different this year and you know it,” John shot back.

Michelle elbowed him, but other than a grunt he didn’t react at all, his smirk staying put.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s one of my best friends and you know it,” Mollie scowled.

“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much,” John sing-songed.

“Oh you assho-”

“That’s enough,” their mom interrupted, gaze firm. Mollie snapped her mouth shut, John doing the same. “Johnathan Neil Thomas, cut it out. If Mollie says they’re still just friends, then that’s that.”

Mollie smiled triumphantly, earning an eye roll from her brother.

“And Mollie Eliza Thomas, if there ever is a change between you and Tyson then you know you can be open with us.”

Ugh.

“Mom!” Mollie hissed.

John just threw his head back and cackled, not even flinching at the elbow from his wife this time. How was he 27 years old?

“Alright, alright, I’m stopping,” their mom grinned, “and so is John.”

Seriously. It was bad enough that her head was messed up from whatever the hell had happened at the lake the other day, whatever the hell had been happening since Tyson came back this summer, but she didn’t need her family adding to it too.

“Cheer up buttercup. Whatever happens, happens,” her dad shrugged, smiling.

Mollie didn’t know if that made things better or worse. Sure, John could be doing the opposite, getting defensive and shutting down a ‘potential’ relationship between her and Tyson (not that there was anything) but this wasn’t helping.

“I’m disowning you all,” Mollie grumbled, “not you Michelle. As always, you’re an angel.”

Her brother’s wife just beamed. “If John doesn’t want to sleep on the sofa tonight, he’ll stop.”

What an angel she was indeed.

Her dad tactfully changed the topic to his upcoming fly fishing trip, finally giving Mollie some peace, but she was lost in her head from there on out, Michelle just filling up her wine glass in solidarity. By the time John and Michelle went home, Mollie had drunk a couple of glasses too many to safely drive home, so she crashed in her childhood bedroom, her mom thrilled that she got to fuss over her for another day.

Her dad promised to make her a hearty breakfast.

While she got ready for bed, doing her usual skincare routine after she changed, Mollie finally let herself embrace her thoughts. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, John’s teasing had gotten under her skin.

It’s been different this year and you know it.

Because it had been different this year. This summer had been full of all of this tension that hadn’t been there before that she didn’t know what to do with. This was her and Tyson. If she couldn’t figure out what it all meant to her, then where did that leave them?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh no.

John was right. He’d been right all along. It was different this year. Everything with Tyson had felt different this year, the flirty teasing, the innocent touches, the way her heart had skipped at his smile. But why? What had changed?

And what could she do about it?

Tyson had never said anything to her about being more than friends in all of their years of knowing each other, not even as a joke in passing. There’d never been a moment like that almost moment before the barbecue the other day. There’d never been anything that had flared Mollie’s feelings into a tailspin like this, but now? Now she didn’t know what to think.

Breathe. Take a moment.

Mollie inhaled shakily, running her trembling hands through her chestnut hair. It was like a dam had burst, her emotions rushing over like a tidal wave, her heart racing and her breathing getting ragged. This had changed everything. How could she not think about Tyson differently now that the floodgates had opened? How could she ignore that he was her everything now that she’d admitted it to herself? What the hell was she supposed to do now?

“Mollie? Is everything alright?”

Mollie snapped out of her thoughts at the sound of her mom’s voice through the door, clearly having seen her light was still on. Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it.

“Yeah mom, just doing some yoga!” Mollie called back, hoping that the lie wasn’t too obvious, that her voice wasn’t too shaky.

“Alright sweetheart, get some rest! I’ll see you in the morning,”

Mollie just squeezed her eyes shut tightly, balling her fists at her sides as she curled up under her duvet. This wasn’t fair. All these years she’d maintained an amazing friendship with Tyson, a constant steadiness that she cherished, but now…could it really stay the same? Could she stay the same, knowing her feelings were actually real, when he didn’t feel the same? Could she pretend to be normal?

Could they even stay friends?

~

At the lake, unbeknown to Mollie, Tyson was going through his own emotional turmoil, sitting with Dante and Mat in the living area of his cabin.

“What’s going on with you and Mollie?”

“It feels different this year,” was all Tyson could offer to Dante’s question.

“Different…how?” Dante frowned.

Tyson sighed, running a hand over his face, missing the look that his friends exchanged.

“Tys, seriously. You and Mollie have always been so close, and yeah we tease you about it…but has something happened?” Mat said softly.

“I don’t know. There have been some moments. Like, emotionally-charged moments. That first weekend when we first saw each other again, she was wearing this tiny red bikini and she just looked so carefree and beautiful and so goddamn hot that it completely blew past all my defences. I couldn’t help but flirting and she flirted back. Talking to her felt like my heart was clenching and there was something in her eyes that said it wasn’t just me. And the other day at the barbecue, I just���I don’t know. We almost kissed and then she basically ran away,” Tyson said miserably.

Mat laughed softly, making Tyson whine in protest.

“This isn’t funny!”

“Oh it’s kinda funny. Why is it that everyone can see the connection between you two other than you?” Mat mused.

“We’re just friends. That’s all she wants, clearly,” Tyson sighed.

“That’s all she wants? Are you saying that you want more?” Dante asked, grinning.

Tyson just whined again at his friend’s excitement, dropping his head to rest in his hands. He couldn’t deny it, not any more. Not now that things felt so different, so…new. How could he?

“So you’re admitting that you like her. Finally. Are you sure that friendship is all Mollie wants? Have you even said anything?” Mat asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Why would I say anything?!” Tyson yelped, lifting his head up again.

Was Mat crazy?

Both Mat and Dante rolled their eyes. “You literally said that it wasn’t just you that had that emotionally charged moment,” Mat pointed out.

“I know but…”

“If there’s another moment like that, why don’t you just take a chance?” Dante interrupted, before Tyson could spiral into a panic, “if things are stressing you out this much, then maybe she’s feeling the same.”

Tyson bit his bottom lip, contemplating his friend’s words. Could he really do that?

Mat sighed, seeing Tyson’s hesitation. “Look, bud, you never know until you try. The friendship that you and Mollie have is so solid – even if things don’t happen between you two, nothing will change that.”

“I guess you’re right. She wouldn’t be weird about it, even if it is just me with feelings,” Tyson murmured.

Mat frowned, opening his mouth to argue, but Dante just elbowed him in the ribs, making him grunt.

“I don’t think it is just you, but yeah, you really should act on this, before you get too in your head about things. I know it’s scary and I know that you’ve got to take a risk, but I honestly think it’s going to pay off. It’s Mollie, Tys. How can things not?” Dante said warmly.

Mat nodded enthusiastically, making Tyson laugh softly.

“You really think I could take a chance?”

“Absolutely. You’re Tyson fucking Jost – you’ve got this!” Dante grinned.

Tyson smiled weakly, trying to put on a brave face. He wasn’t convinced, not with how much was on the line. Mollie was too important for him to lose. But maybe, just maybe, he could gain even more?

~

The week went on with Mollie no closer to an answer to what her next steps should be. At least Tyson was a little more relaxed around her, offering her genuine smiles rather than the awkward ones he’d been giving her since their almost moment. On Mat and Dante’s penultimate day, Allison arranged for a four jet skis to be sent up to the lake as a surprise, and they all took turns in racing each other on them, no-one getting too drunk to make sure they stayed safe.

After a few races on the jet ski, Mollie took a break, letting Louis take over to race Bryony, Mat and Dante, while Michael cheered them on and took photos. She could see her phone lighting up with jealous messages from Allison and Chase – FOMO was a bitch – so she could already predict that Allison would be extending their rental until after the full weekend had passed so she could have a go herself.

Mollie headed back out of the cabin with a book, a bottle of water, and some sunscreen, ready to relax for a little while now that she’d pulled some shorts back on, only to see Tyson already sitting where she had been planning to sit. Maybe it was fate. Maybe this was the time they needed, apart from the others. Maybe this was a sign.

Then again, Tyson had been fairly quiet today so far, letting Mat and Dante take the reins in conversation.

“Hey Tys. Mind if I join you?”

He jolted, looking up at her like she’d surprised him, making her frown slightly.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.”

Okay, not quite the reaction she’d been expecting. Even for him, this was weird. Still, she sat down in the chair next to him, reapplying her sunscreen before opening up her book. But the way that Tyson was sitting silently next to her, just staring out at the lake, was unsettling.

“Is everything okay?” she murmured, putting her bookmark in her book.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

His answer was so short, almost distant, unlike any way he’d ever spoken to her, and it hurt a little to hear that tone in his voice. Maybe she was just missing something, but him brushing her off like that on top of all of her emotional turmoil lately was just enough to make tears spring to her eyes.

It was all she could do to swallow heavily to keep her composure, and she stood up, dropping her book on her chair.

“Where are you going?” Tyson frowned.

“I don’t know. Just need to clear my head, I guess,” Mollie shrugged, attempting to keep her voice light.

“Can I come with you?” Tyson blurted.

That would be the opposite of helpful right now. But when he looked at her so hopefully, how could she say no? Maybe he’d actually open up, and his attitude was all a big misunderstanding? She could only hope. She couldn’t take him pulling away from her, if that’s what this was.

No, she had to have hope.

With a quick glance over her shoulder to check that their friends were all occupied, Mollie started to walk in the opposite direction down the lake front, knowing that Tyson would be following her. She wandered, a little aimlessly, trying to clear her head as she’d said to him, but nothing helped knowing that it was his footsteps following her.

Eventually she slowed to a stop at a little cove, ducking into it to get out of the harsh light of the sun, and Tyson stopped next to her, offering her a small smile. She had to return it – this was the place they’d dubbed ‘their spot’ after all. Back in Tyson’s first summer, she’d found him here after a difficult training session, full of frustration and homesickness, and it had been one of the things that bonded them so quickly. She’d never told anyone about this place, that it was hers and Tyson’s. Mollie hadn’t intended to come here, but clearly her subconscious had other plans.

Tyson took a step towards her, slipping slightly on a rock, and Mollie’s hands darted out to stead him, Tyson clinging to her forearms as he regained his balance. It was only when she laughed and looked back up at him that she realised they were standing so close that she could count his eyelashes, and she froze.

No, no she couldn’t do this. She needed less drama, less intensity, less…

“Mollie,” Tyson murmured, voice breathy.

“Tys, I…I can’t,” she choked.

Her head was swirling as she jerked out of his grip, trying not to slip herself as she stepped past him, but Tyson grabbed her hand to stop her leaving.

“Mollie, please don’t go! Just listen to me!” Tyson begged.

The desperation in his voice made her stop in her tracks. She closed her eyes, keeping her back to him as she tried to control her racing heartbeat, jumping slightly as his hand move to touch her shoulder. Against her better judgement, with a gentle squeeze of his hand, she turned back around to face him, biting her lip at the devastation in his face.

“Tys,” she whispered, a little helplessly.

He’d never looked at her like that before, like she had the power to destroy him completely. She wasn’t sure if she liked it.

“Mollie, sweetheart…”

Sweetheart. He trailed off at her whimper, running a shaky hand through his unruly curls before he looked into her eyes with such determination that butterflies erupted in her stomach.

“You’ve got to know how much I like you, Mollie. Seriously. You’re one of the only people I keep in touch with from home, one of the only true friends I can count on, and you know how much our friendship means to me. But you’ve got to know how our friendship has evolved. It’s…more now, right? You feel it too?”

Mollie’s breath caught in her throat. He…what?

How much I like you.

How much our friendship means to me.

Our friendship has evolved.

You feel it too?

“Please. Say something,” Tyson begged.

How could she deny him that? After everything she started admitting to herself? She closed her eyes, swallowing heavily, only opening them when her heart cracked open a little. If he could be honest, as much of a dream as it felt, then so could she.

“I do feel it, Tys. I just…I didn’t let myself hope that you felt the same,” she whispered.

There it was. She’d finally said the words out loud. Tyson let out a wounded noise, low and sad, but Mollie didn’t say anything. What else could she say without losing all composure?

“I’ve liked you for so long, Molls. I just never let myself act on it because I didn’t think you felt the same. But now…”

Tyson trailed off again into nothing, letting out a whoosh of breath. The hope and wonder in his voice sent a thrill through Mollie’s body, her heart beating a little bit faster. Tyson liked her. He really liked her! And she’d told him how she felt about him too? She’d never thought this moment would actually happen. Definitely not since her emotional realisation a few evenings ago. But now that it was? It felt mindblowing. Was this really happening?

But there was still that niggle of doubt she couldn’t deny. So Mollie gathered her thoughts while Tyson stayed silent, hoping they wouldn’t bite her in the ass.

“I can’t do this if it’s just for the summer,” Mollie blurted, “I can’t be only a fling for you, Tyson. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that. Not with you.”

Tyson quickly shook his head, reaching out to clasp both of her hands in his, making her gasp softly at the warmth in his grip.

“You could never be a fling. This is the real deal between us, Mollie. I know it is. You know it is,” Tyson said firmly.

Mollie just nodded, choking out a laugh, unable to stop the tears welling up in her eyes as she smiled at him, earning a hopeful smile back. He was right. Deep down, no matter how her insecurities whispered, she knew that their friendship meant a solid foundation. It wasn’t a temporary wavering summer-fun. It was…everything.

“So what are you saying?” Mollie murmured, trying to blink away the tears.

Was this really happening?

“Will you be my girl?” Tyson asked, his voice full of hope.

Mollie choked a laugh, her voice thick with the tears that wouldn’t leave. “Yeah, Tys. I’ll be your girl,”

Tyson let out a whoop, throwing his head back, making Mollie laugh again. What a ridiculous guy. She liked him so much. He rested his forehead against hers, one hand rising to cup her cheek, making her inhale sharply as his eyes went more serious.

“Can I kiss you now? Finally?”

Mollie tilted her head up to press her lips to his in answer.

~

Being with Tyson was easy, easier than Mollie could’ve ever imagined. Somehow that transition from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend was seamless, with not even a little awkwardness like she’d feared there would’ve been. She attributed that to Tyson mainly though – he was such a driving force of happiness, and now that she’d allowed herself to feel all those thoughts she’d subconsciously pushed down before, it was like everything had clicked into place. It was almost like it was fate.

Fate that she was seizing with both hands and never letting go.

The moment that they’d returned to the cabins from the cove, Dante had taken one look at them and demanded Mat to ‘pay up’. Bryony had immediately pulled out her phone, typing away furiously, until she groaned and admitted that Allison had won their pool. Tyson had just laughed when he realised that everyone had been betting on the two of them, Mollie hiding her face in his chest with a groan. Somehow she wasn’t surprised – it was their friends after all – but that didn’t make her feel any better in the moment.

Nor did John’s smug texts – Michelle’s happy ones soothed that a little. She wasn’t surprised either when Tyson came to her after the weekend and admitted that John had given him a shovel talk in private, one that he refused to share the details of (so she knew it had to be violent), but when she’d texted John to berate him, all her brother said was that he approved and that Tyson was a good guy.

That much she knew already, thank you very much.

The rest of their summer raced by. After Mat and Dante left, JT stayed for two weeks, just as thrilled for them as Tyson’s other friends had been (especially since he won the bet he had with Alex Kerfoot about them). After JT left, Kacey and Tyson’s mom came up to stay for a week, and their genuine heartfelt welcome to the family talks left Mollie more emotional than ever, Tyson just smiling with watery eyes (that he later denied).

And obviously her parents were thrilled, Tyson being dragged down to a couple of family dinner over the remaining six weeks of summer, in between his intense workouts, getting him ready for the upcoming season.

But those six weeks flew by faster than Mollie anticipated, the end of summer drawing closer, and Tyson only had few weeks before he needed to get back to Buffalo for training camp. His time at his cabin had come to an end, as had Mollie’s, so he’d come to stay at her apartment with her while he figured out what he wanted to for his remaining time.

The more time Mollie could spend with him, the better, so she wasn’t going to complain. Especially if it meant waking up in Tyson's arms in the mornings. Even if it meant Tyson watching her with adoring expressions as she shuffled through old lesson plans to see which she could spruce up ahead of the upcoming school year.

A few days into them living in her apartment together though, Tyson made breakfast for them both and sat down opposite her with a serious expression on his face, making her a little nervous. They ate mostly in silence, the radio playing in the background, and it wasn’t until he’d put their plates in the sink that Tyson was ready to talk.

“Everything’s been so good between us, right?” he blurted.

The nervous expression on his face made her heart twinge, and not in a fun way.

“It has for me?” she offered, wincing.

“It has for me too, I promise,” he said quickly, taking the edge off her anxiety, “I just…I’ve been thinking a lot. About our future. Where we could end up. Where I want our relationship to end up.”

She tried valiantly to ignore how her heart started beating a little faster.

“What have you been thinking?” she prompted, hoping her voice didn’t sound too shaky.

“I don’t know where I’m going to end up with hockey in the future. The Avs didn’t want me, it didn’t work out with the Wild, and who knows where I’ll be after this coming year with the Sabres after all the up and down this past season. I don’t know where I’ll be playing or what city I’ll be in, but…will you come with me?”

Mollie’s jaw dropped slightly, her breath catching in her throat. He wanted her to go with him? To leave Kelowna? Tyson saw her shock and immediately reached across the island counter to take both of her hands in his, desperate to ground her as he knew she needed.

“I know this is fast, or at least it would be by normal relationship standards, but with how long we’ve known each other and with how right this feels…I just can’t bear the thought of another 9 months without you. Especially not in Buffalo,” Tyson said, his eyes wide and honest.

Go with Tyson? Uproot everything she’d ever known, move away from all her friends, her job, her life?

“Tyson, I…”

She trailed off, biting her lip, unsure of how to continue as her thoughts swirled. But as soon as she did, she noticed how Tyson’s shoulders slumped slightly, his grip on her hands going limp.

“No, you’re right. It’s too soon, isn’t it? I couldn’t ask you to give up your whole life, just like that, that's not fair on you,” Tyson sighed, finally dropping her hands.

Her breath caught in her throat at the defeat in his eyes. That, more than anything else, she hated. How he second guessed himself? His lack of self confidence? That devastation, it just wasn’t right. So Mollie shook her head, taking his hands back in hers.

“Tys, I need a moment to process, yeah?”

He nodded, a glimmer of hope entering his eyes again, making her smile slightly. Mollie huffed out a breath, running her thumbs over his knuckles, as she tried to process his words. Moving with Tyson – moving in with Tyson fully – would change everything. It would be the biggest step she’d ever taken with a relationship, but with Tyson it would be…

“Tell me what’s going through your mind,” Tyson begged, interrupting her flow.

“You just can’t stand the silence huh,” she teased, unable to resist.

“You know I can’t,” he laughed.

But the laugh was strained, making her sigh. Time to be honest.

“I guess…the main thing going through my mind is that this is such a big step,” she admitted.

“Yeah it is. But it’s also exciting? And I wouldn’t have asked you if I wasn’t sure it would work,” Tyson said honestly.

She couldn’t help but blush slightly. The fact that he was so certain about their relationship was refreshing. And she knew that Tyson always put his whole heart into everything, which was exciting - no-one else had ever had this conviction.

“What about my job? My friends? My family? And a visa? I’ve never even left BC, you know I haven’t,” Mollie prompted, going through all her doubts.

Tyson tilted his head back slightly, averting his eyes as he chewed his lip, clearly deep in thought. She couldn’t help but smile – he really was putting so much effort into this.

“I know you love teaching, even though the school you’re at right now has terrible parents…but I know you’d also smash any teaching job in any place, so I think that part is solvable? Family and friends though…that’s the big sacrifice. And I know, because it sucks leaving mine at the end of every summer. It’s sucked leaving you at the end of every summer, even though we were only ever just friends before. I don’t want to leave you again, but I understand if only seeing everyone else a few times a year outside of summer is a deal breaker,” Tyson sighed, “The visa thing I can work out with my agent, so that shouldn’t be an issue. And I know that you haven’t ever left BC – but there’s so much of the world I want to show you, even if that starts with Buffalo.”

Mollie huffed out a breath at his words, knowing he was speaking from the heart. But what should she do? Tyson watched the frustration play out across her face and smiled sadly, squeezing her hands in comfort.

“Hey, whatever you decide, just know that it won’t change how much I love you, yeah?” he said softly.

He loves her? Of all the times to drop that declaration, so simple and sweet. How could her heart not sing at that?

“My god, Tys, I love you too. So much. And you’re right, it would suck to watch you leave again because everything is so different this year. I finally have you and to lose you?”

Mollie frowned, shaking her head as she cut herself off. How could she let him go?

Tyson saw the change in her expression, a wide smile spreading across his lips. “So…?” he asked hopefully.

She laughed at his prompting, and squeezed his hands back.

“Yeah, Tyson, I’m willing to try this, to try us,” Mollie nodded, smiling, “I’ll move with you, to Buffalo, and then wherever you go after that.”

Tyson whooped and stood up from his chair, making her laugh again as he ran around to her side of the island, which quickly turned into a squeal as he threw his arms around her and picked her up to spin her in a circle. The joy in his face was just pure happiness, and Mollie knew right then that she’d made the right decision.

“I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us,” Tyson grinned, resting his forehead against hers.

There was so much to think about, with moving, with getting a visa, with her job, with her apartment in Kelowna. But a future with Tyson? That was all Mollie wanted - and she couldn’t wait to see what the future held for them either.

[mirjam-writes]

20 questions for fic writers

Tagged by @suavissimapenna <3 Sorry it took so long!

How many works do you have on ao3?

7 for Sherlock and 23 Good Omens that are completely mine. 6 collaborative fics I have either partly written, or just made art for. So, 36.

What's your total ao3 word count?

380,863

What fandoms do you write for?

Good Omens! I used to write for Sherlock too, but that's now in the past.

Top five fics by kudos:

Truth Or Dare (E, 6.5K words), my first proper smut ever! Post s1 gettig together story.

Angel Of Justice (T, 9.5K), my first ever Good Omens fanfic. Post S1 from Michael POV, A/C as a background couple.

!False (It's funny because it's true) (E, 5.4k), an office romance human AU set in software company.

A Stable Relationship (E, 9.9k), horse rider AU with trans Aziraphale. Friends with benefits becoming a romantic relationship.

Girls Just Wanna Have Sun (G, 1.7k), outsider pov scene about Robin's day at the beach, where she meets two weird gentlemen who have never been to a beach before.

Do you respond to comments?

YES I DO! Slowly, possibly, but yes I do, and I read and reread them!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhhh... angsty ending? What is that? Technically Be Still My Soul: The Rift, but does that count if it's a middle part of a trilogy? That's definitely my angstiest fic of all time BUT I tried to write the happiest ending possible to it. But also, yeah, people died in the war (just not A or C), so maybe I'll count that story.

Edit: WAIT NO! To Love Somebody, a story from Shadwell pov about how he fell in love both Aziraphale and Crowley, and how that changed him. That's sort of angsty and the ending is bittersweet!

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmmmmmm. I have so many. I can't compare. Maybe Watching You (Watching Me), it's the porniest porn i have ever written, and it has...uh... several happy endings :D

Do you get hate on fics?

Not so far!

Do you write smut?

Yessss. I'm in my porn writer era at the moment :D

Craziest crossover:

I did some super weird anime crossovers as a teen (I hope those are long lost) but haven't dabbled on that since apart from very vague blink-and-you-miss-it references.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

One of my Sherlock fics was translated into french in 2018!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Only for one round robin event, which produced four stories! Not sure if that really counts as collaborating since we weren't allowed to talk about it when we did it, we just got the fic, read it, and added 600 words and gave it to the next one! It was super fun though.

All time favorite ship?

Aziraphale and Crowley. No competition there.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't usually start posting unless I'm 100% confident I'll finish the story, so I don't have public wips.

I had one pretty cool Sherlock post-apocalypse story idea, which I'd love to talk about if someone is interested, but writing it? Hmm probably not. But it's not really a wip, if I have only like two bullets in a doc?

What are your writing strengths?

I think I write pretty good bickerflirting and humour even in dark situations. And, uh... historical research.

What are your writing weaknesses?

LONG ASS SENTENCES. I need to cut them down. Chop chop chop. Also, I over-use commas and em-dashes.

Also, not being a native english speaker, but I think I've got a lot more fluent during the past years, so maybe that's not my biggest weakness anymore.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I have done it myself, in a situation when my pov character wasn't supposed to understand what was being discussed, but I did only a couple of lines.

My languages (apart from english) are finnish, very rough swedish, and teeny tiny bit of german, but many fics I've read that have used another language in dialogue, use French or Spanish (which are popular languages for English speakers to learn in school!), and with those I'm woefully lost!

But honestly, i don't need to understand every fic under the sun! You do you, I bet there are people who can understand whichever languages you'd like to mix in your story, and that will be amazing for them!

First fandom you wrote in?

The Book Series That Must Not Be Named. I projected so much of my teenage angst into wizard school drama.

Favorite fic you've written?

You monster! Making me choose. Uh.

Okay, fair. It's easy. Be Still My Soul, hands down. @be-still-my-soul-fanfic

No pressure tagging: @hkblack, @ambrasue, @tawnyontumblr , @ack-emma and @zehwulf and anyone else who wants to answer!

[kairospy]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @moondal514 (im a bit late my bad)

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

4

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

37,248

3. What fandoms do you write for?

All for the Game is my bread and butter, but i did write one for the Marauders

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

it takes two(but you and i are one) (AFTG / 13.6K) - the dynamic between neil, abram and nathaniel, delving a bit into the DSM-V because i am pedantic and a psych student

the ticking of a heart (AFTG / 5.3K) - andreil after a bad episode. hurt/comfort

genesis' wane (AFTG / 9.5K) - the twinyards

Owl Light (Marauders / 8.6K) - wolfstar with background jegulus but using fancy words

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do!!! i respond 99% of the time mostly because getting them makes my day (and week) so i should let the commenter know that

them: "really liked this!"

me: "hey just letting you know you made my fucking year and im no longer mentally ill so thanks for that" :)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

pf… Owl Light or it takes two

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

the ticking of a heart starts gut-wrenching but ends rather fluffy? so that one.

god i really have to post more

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i've gotten a "critique" and a bookmarks rating that's since been deleted. i would've been offended hadn't i found it funny

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i… could? the thing is my writing's very much all nonsensical flowery prose and metaphors so i fear i'd get lost in the dramatics of it all instead of actually describing that they're fucking

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i do not (yet?)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had art stolen (posted without credit) but not a fic

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had many suggestions but i've yet to take someone up on the offer mostly because it would feel like having someone do a job for free and morally that feels a bit wrong

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

lord knows we've tried @butallmystars

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Andreil takes the cake and gold, silver goes to probably jerejean (because it's my current hyperfixation), and bronze to jegulus…maybe? (the fandom has made me resent them so much perhaps i should take the medal away)

honorary mentions go to wolfstar, jily & drarry

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

…yes

16. What are your writing strengths?

um flowery depictions of the mundane? idk i like talking like a thesaurus while getting my point across with excessive metaphors

That and characterization judging by what others have told me

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

if you know that language or have a way to fact check it with someone other than google and the demon you accidentally summoned writing that gibberish, yes. 100%

otherwise, i'd say to use things like "he said in french" / "he muttered something in undecipherable german" if it's from the pov of someone who doesn't know the language

BUT do as you please, at the end of the day the point comes across, we're all here to have a good time not a long time, and people who don't know the language find it compelling :)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

…next question?

(on ao3 it was AFTG)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

probably it takes two (but you and i are one) but i honestly forget what they're about once i've posted them

No pressure tagging (apologies if you’ve already done this I haven’t been keeping track ): @butallmystars (suffer with me evelyn) & @soliloquy-dawn

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[closer-stars]

Gut Feeling (3)

Member: San Genre: Comfort, Fluff, some Angst Word Count: 9.5k  Requested: Yes Content: Part 3 of Gut Feeling/San x Manager!Reader series ayooo. Roughly around Inception/Immortal Songs time period. Food mention.  References to some of the stuff they’ve written for the fans also are in this lol. Reader comforts San also in this. The fun kinda starts here. Note: pls this was tricky to write and edit... lmao, gotta juggle manager work with relationships amirite. Anyways, I hope this is okay cause this was... A Field Day. Not much else to say except hahaha Flashes a Peace Sign. I’ve proofread this a couple of times, and to just specify again, I’m trying to keep this gender neutral, so if there’s a slip up of gender specific traits and the like, please do tell me. Ty to @hwaberrykiwi , @yeocult and @yeochikin for dealing with my brain farts and questions as I wrote this. ilysm

Part 1, Part 2

It’s been hectic for everyone in the company. Everyone’s been almost up to their necks preparing for the comeback. Various deals to be made for various photoshoots; it was a miracle that some brands have invited the boys for their magazines rather than the other way around. Despite their lengthy hiatus, it seemed their popularity only continued to grow. It wasn’t a bad thing (at least they managed to catch up on rest), the pressure to make sure they make up for what was lost is there and perhaps an added burden.

Everyone’s been working harder to make sure their performances for their promotional period were good, if not better than how they did in the past. You haven’t been running on your usual hours of sleep-- save for a few power naps here and there, having to bring the boys back and forth from the company to stylists to the dorm to recordings and so on. You can only assume that it’ll get wilder once promotions do start. Yet, the gradual climb of their activities is met with mixed feelings: relief to be back on stage, worry for everyone’s health, pressure to meet not only the standards of the public but also theirs. 

So now, San’s overthinking once more, getting caught up in his insecurities. The closer their comeback is, the later he stays. While he always does stay in the studio up until he can barely dance properly, the past few weeks have been harsh on him. You’ve only been with this group for a few months but you can already read him. He’s always been the type to wear his heart on his sleeve. He’s also the type to find himself being his own competition. He’s focusing on his shortcomings as a dancer, frustrated that there were certain parts that he couldn’t do properly. You’re in the studio with him again. With the amount of times you’ve done this, you’ve eventually blocked off parts of your schedule for him. The rest of the boys have gone home at this point, catching up on rest to prepare for the next day. 

You sit back, taking small sips of your iced green tea as you watch helplessly as San goes through the same counts, never quite getting it the way he wants to. “San..” you call softly. 

“Just give me thirty minutes.” This is the sixth time he’s said it. He hears your heavy sigh and he looks at you, brows furrowed, still too engrossed by the demons in his head. “What?” He rasps out. It’s a miracle you could hear each other over the music but you do. With his question, you beckon him over. He sighs, stopping the music before standing in front of you. You pat the seat next to you. He doesn’t fight back and drops himself next to you. “What?” he repeats himself. 

“You’re getting in your head again.” 

Your words catch him off guard but he tries to scoff at it. A feeble attempt to brush off your words. Was he that easy to read?

“San, I’m serious. In the time I’ve worked with you, I know when you’re getting into your head.” You say it clearer this time. “Talk to me.” You say though it sounds more like a plea. He’s a stubborn one. You readjust yourself to face him, your drink now in between your legs as you reach for his water bottle. “Maybe not as your manager but as your friend.” You just wanted to help him, as much as his stamina is better than anyone you know, he’s still human. 

San’s head rests against the white wall, the cold feeling of the wall cooling down how hot his head has become from constant exertion. He can still feel the muscle soreness from his workout from two days ago. “There’s so much on my mind.” He murmurs, gnawing slightly at the rim of his water bottle in thought. 

“We got time.” You return softly. 

He doesn’t know what to say. It’s not an everyday thing that he talks of his worries. He’s been the type to carry the burden of others but rare were the times he lets others carry his burdens. He lets your words sink in first as he tries to figure out with thought to speak out about first. He takes small sips to gather enough words to sound cohesive despite the incohesive thoughts. He sets his bottle down and that’s when he starts talking. He’s not happy with how he’s dancing lately. He sees how better Yunho is compared to him, how quick he gets the choreography. While San does know how to help others, asking for help for himself is another thing in itself.One way or another, he figures it out on his own. A blessing and a curse it was to be this independent. “...There’s so much I lack in, I don’t think I’ll live up to their expectations too.” His eyes are closed the entire time he speaks, not wanting you to see that he’s near tears.  It’s one part pride, one part insecurity, one part pressure, and a whole lot of perfectionism. The fact he manages to talk about it is a step out of it but the struggle to get through it is another thing. 

It pains you to see him like this. No matter how much he improves, he still sees where he lacks. It’s normal but to see him have his insecurities eat at him hurts you. “San, look at me.” You urge softly. He doesn’t move but you notice that his breathing has slowed down. You do know he’s still awake so you tilt his head to make him look at you. “Look at me, open your eyes, San.” It’s the gravity in your words and tone that makes him follow your order. He sees his reflection in your eyes and for a moment, he’s stunned. The distance, or lack thereof, is disorienting him. He’s never seen you this intense-- well he has, but not like this, this protective that he can’t get himself to move or look away. He could easily shake your hold off or look at a corner but he can’t. 

Goddamn, what is going on? 

“San, you’re amazing out there. Everyday, you improve. Everyday, you take everyone’s breath away with how much you put yourself into your performances. The performer I saw months back has improved to become the performer he is now. But San, you’re still a human at the end of the day. It’s okay to go at your own pace. ” Your words make his chest tight. Those were the same words he tells his members and his fans. He knows the turmoil of putting yourself up in a competition where you’re the only player yet he always does it even if it hurts him. But the feeling of having someone say it back to him, it feels different. It’s words he needed to hear not from him, but from someone else. To hear it from you washes over him in mind numbing comfort. “It doesn’t matter if Yunho gets it before you do, or if you don’t do it perfectly in the first try.” You continue, the pad of your thumb wiping away the tears that have fallen from his eyes. “What matters is you’re improving. San, you’re still human. It’s okay.” You’ve heard the stories of how they started as trainees over meals you’ve shared with them. From one trainee who couldn’t dance properly to being the idol that others look up to for their passion in dancing. He’s become the standard from what you were observing. 

Your words make him rest his forehead against your shoulder. In other circumstances, you would’ve made a face at the feeling of sweat seeping onto your shirt. For now, you hold him, rubbing his back gently as he quietly cries out his frustrations. There were things he wished he could share these concerns with Seonghwa but he couldn’t. He never could. Yet, here he is, showing his vulnerability to you. Someone who he has only known for a few months. Someone who he has become vulnerable around. Even in his blubbering incoherent mess of thoughts, you somehow manage to be on the same page as him, bringing him back to reality, bringing him the clarity he needs. 

It takes a while before his sniffles even into breathing. You tilt your head to check on him and he pulls away when he feels you shift. “I’m sorry.” he mumbles, wiping his tears away. 

You shake your head, turning down his apology. Your eyes shine gently at him as you study him carefully. Damn, even your eyes feel a little hot. His shoulders aren’t as heavy as they were earlier. His hands reaching up to rub at his eyes. It wouldn’t be long now before exhaustion takes him under to slumber. “Let’s go home, you deserve the rest.”

“Can we get something to eat first…” He asks, just in time for his stomach to growl in agreement. 

“7/11?”

He nods, his bottom lip jutting out slightly. 

“Get some comfort food, I’ll pay for it this time.”

--------

The ride back is relaxed this time, well as relaxed it could be when San’s in a better mood. San sings at the top of his lungs to the songs that play on the radio. It’s tricky to keep yourself serious on the road when he’s being this carefree. It comes to the point where even you sing along with him, though softly. A small voice in your head sulks at how this is short lived. By the time you reach the apartment complex, it’s back to reality. It’s back to being their manager. Somehow you wondered if in another life, would the two of you meet as well? Would the two of you get along still? You shake the thoughts away quickly, mentally reminding yourself to focus. 

“Something on your mind?” 

You wonder if you’re just as easy to read as he is to you. “Mm?” You glance at the stop light then turn your gaze to him. The question takes a moment to register then you reassure him. “Ah, it’s nothing.” He doesn’t get the chance to press when the red shifts to green, pushing you to start driving again. 

It was quiet for the rest of the trip, until you arrived at the parking lot again. Once you switch the engine off, he lets out a groan of relief. The sweet embrace of sleep is so close, if only he could just be in bed with a snap of his fingers but alas, this world is dependent on machinery. The two of you hop off the car and head to the elevator. 

You press his floor number and he waits for the second button to be pushed but it never happens. The doors of the elevator close already and is already bringing the two of you to his floor. “Wait, but--”

You cut him off. “You need your sleep first so I’m dropping you off first.” You glance at him under the cold lighting of the elevator. “Even your eyes look tired already, Sannie.” He catches his reflection on the elevator’s reflective surface and you’re right. His eyes are puffy, his eyelids are heavy and he makes a face at how he looks. You glance at your watered down green tea then at his hands. “Are your hands cold?” You ask him. 

The odd question catches him off guard and instead of feeling them, he wraps his hands on your cheeks. “What do you think?” The sharp contrast in temperatures causes you to yelp, swatting his hands away. 

“I was gonna tell you to press your cold fingers to the puffy areas!” You complain, trying to stay far from his reach. 

It takes a moment for realization to set in his eyes. “Oh my god, you called me Sannie!” He squeals, elated to know that your relationship has gotten to the point where you call him a nickname. A common nickname but he loves it coming from you. You laugh behind your cup and the fun is cut short with the doors opening. 

You keep the doors open for him. “Come on, Sannie.” You repeat just for him. “Get your rest. Manager Bae will be bringing you guys to the company and your schedules tomorrow.” You inform him, still smiling at how happy he looks now. 

“What about you?” 

“Paperwork plus bringing the rest of the staff to check out the places for your music videos.” You coo at the sight of his pout. “I’ll bring you guys home if I get back early, I promise.” 

“Ah before I forget..” you rummage through your bag and pull out his hoodie. “Here.” You state as you hand it back to him. The look on his face makes you a little defensive. “I promise, I washed your hoodie before returning it.” Your words make him chuckle and he puts it in his bag. 

“I wasn’t saying anything, but thank you.” He teases but then extends his pinky out as he steps out, bringing it back to the topic at hand. His free arm blocking the doors from closing in on the two of you. You don’t bat an eyelash as the child-like reassurance, you link your pinky with his, sealed with your thumbs pressed against each other.

“Now shoo! Sleep well, Sannie.” You say, pressing your floor number this time, as the two of you smile at each other until the doors completely cover the other. 

--------

Everything's moving so fast. For every music show that had to be cancelled, two more guest appearances take over. You were ready for the constant moving being a manager entails but not to this extent. After this performance, you had to bring them to their next radio appearance. At least there was an allowance time to bring them back to the company then to the radio appearance. You were a little relieved though, since the talk with San, he’s been able to perform with a clearer head. You watch each member perform and you need multiple runs to watch each and everyone of them. They always had little tricks in their sleeves that more often than not, you weren’t sure which ones they would do until the day of. While you know that they wouldn’t cry in the middle of a performance, a small part of you was alarmed at how believable they looked. 

The results of their hard work were evident, various news sites have been tracking their growth, and before they knew it, they’ve sold over a million albums, their songs are charting upon release. They’ve improved immensely and it was getting tricky to not let yourself go “I told you so.” to San who months earlier was in his head, doubting everything. Hell you remember even having to talk to Hongjoong on the ride home over his fears for his members and himself. 

The stylists had their phones out recording the announcement. As much as you want to do the same, you found yourself fiddling with your sleeves, nervous as well. They always take their loses gracefully as said by the managers but still you worry. As intense as they were with their work, they can be intense with their emotions too. Once it was announced that ATEEZ is indeed taking home the trophy for Inception, everyone screams. You let out the breath you were holding the entire time in relief, and you feel pride swell in your chest. Everyone celebrates in the dressing room over their first win. You could see how the group is doing their best to keep their cool in front of the cameras but you can already expect the amount of excited screams and jumps from them. Manager Bae and some of the stylists had gone out to quickly get them cake to celebrate when they return. “Stay here so that they won’t notice anything off.” Bae goes with a grin. He looked like a proud hyung for the boys, still giddy over the win. You quickly push him off to buy the cake, losing precious time. 

You watch them on TV, singing to their song as they bounce about on stage. They’ve thanked everyone as they dance about. You see Manager Bae with another stylist lighting the cake in the back of the room and you sigh in relief. At least they got back in time for the credits to roll on the TV, evidently cutting short the encore stage. Yet, you know those boys would take a while before they’re back in the dressing room with everyone. “You got back fast..” You say softly, making sure the candle doesn’t get blown off from any external factors. 

“We asked to have the cake packed already, Minhee paid for it and made me go ahead.” 

“We have to pay her back then.”

“Hey don’t worry too much, she used the company card.” That shuts you up. ATEEZ’s excited yelling elicits a surprised yelp upon their entrance. They yell louder at the sight of the cake and this time you bring out your phone to capture the moment of celebration. It takes a while for them to settle down, taking selfies with their trophy along with a group shot to thank the fans for their hard work. The cake is back in its packaging, Seonghwa bouncing on the balls of his feet while he has the cake in his hands. 

“Aah, Hyung be careful! What if the cake gets destroyed?” San complains lightheartedly to which Seonghwa sulks for a moment. 

“What are you talking about?” The older returns, hints of his accent slipping out in his defense. “The cake’s secure inside, right Manager-nim?” He continues, looking at you to back him up. 

The way he looks at you really makes you wonder how he was the eldest sometimes but you decide to play along. “It’s safe and sound in there, Ddeonghwa but still, be careful!” You return, patting the top of his head, or at least whatever you could reach as you busy yourself with packing everything up. 

“Manager-nim! We did great on stage didn’t we?” San asks from behind you, wanting a head pat or some praise from you as well. To his luck, you had to be called to help out in carrying some make up bags out of the room as the stylist’s hands were already full. He deflates for a moment as you rush about, leaving him in the dust with his members. 

“You’re getting obvious.” Seonghwa muses as he pats the younger’s head with his free hand. 

His words fluster him, his bottom lip jutting out once more. “What are you talking about..” He mutters through a pout. He just wanted praise, is that so bad?

His defense makes the older chuckle. “Sure. Let’s get ready to leave, we still have a radio appearance tonight. Our managers are gonna wait for us by the parking lot.” 

--------

As the promotion season progresses, you don’t keep track of the days anymore. You just keep track by the agenda for the day and for the following day, you’re just waiting for the promotions to end at this point. You’re getting sleep but it’s not enough, just to get by and still function. You’re still getting the basic necessities of a human being but you hate to admit that you need more to feel a little more awake. 

San notices your lack of energy as they wait for their call time for their next TV appearance so while the other members busy themselves with a few games. He sees you dozing off again, leaning against the wall as you keep yourself warm with your own jacket this time. He doesn’t ask if you’re doing okay, your eyebags and tensed muscles tell him enough. He sits next to you as you try to find a comfortable position to catch up on rest. “You can lean on my shoulder.” He says softly, making sure to not startle you. Regardless of his volume, you sit up straight again at his voice. You don’t make a coherent word come out of your mouth except for something that sounds like a mix of “I’ll be okay” and “No thanks”. One way or another, you found a position comfortable enough for you to not get a stiff neck and stay warm. He lets you do what you do and instead lingers near you in case you fall into an uncomfortable position. 

An hour passes and you wake up to your phone vibrating to wake you up. You shuffle about in your spot, stretching your limbs as you try to gain your bearings. The presence of another person next to you makes you wary of stretching too much, until you look over at them and you see San dozing off in his seat. You look around you and some of the members have dozed off as well, though the rest of them were in comfortable positions. You bundle your jacket up and carefully put it under his head. You pick up on his soft snores before slipping out of the room quietly. Your feet lead you to the nearest vending machine, looking for your pick me up throughout the day. As you count your loose change to pay for the coffee, someone’s voice startles the living daylights out of you. 

“Coffee again?” 

You turn to the voice and it’s San, who clearly looks like he just woke up but can’t rub his eyes. Instead, he takes his time blinking repeatedly to rid the sleep off from his gaze. “What? This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me drink coffee.” 

“That’s going to be your fourth coffee..” He points out, and you can hear in his voice that he’s waking up now. He’s also a little concerned by your gradual rise in caffeine intake. His concern doesn’t faze you as you continue with your purchase. 

“At least I don’t drink Americanos..” you say with a light tone. The last thing he needs to worry is about your health. You’ve been in worse situations and this isn’t that bad still. “San, I’m still okay, I promise.” You try to reassure him, though it seems that he doesn’t buy it. For now, he lets it be. 

“At least I don’t confuse an americano with a latte.” He returns with a smirk He remembers your mishap a few weeks back of mixing up his americano with your latte. The face you pulled after getting hit with the bitterness, only to realize that he has your order. It was a small mistake but looking at it now, it was probably the start of your stress. His retort makes you look at him, miffed at the idea he would use that against you. He sees your reaction and is already ready to apologize until he hears you laugh. You turn on your heels and head back to your designated room and it takes him a few minutes to snap out of it and follow you. “I’m serious though. That’s your fourth coffee and you haven’t been sleeping a lot.” San points out softly, greeting any artist or staff that they pass by. 

You greet them too, but your bottom lip is against the rim of your coffee in thought. “I’m still getting used to the new environment. You have to admit the cancellation of other shows and the additional guestings are disorienting too.” 

You had a point but that wasn’t what he was getting at. “Manager-nim, what I’m saying is, please take care of yourself too.” The two of you reach the door and before any of you step in, you look up at the male, and he can see how your brain is working. 

“I will, now let’s get inside, they might worry where you’ve been.” You say eventually and before you could open the door, he beats you to it and lets you enter first. 

He hopes you keep your word.

--------

On the free days they had, they were back in the studio rehearsing for another performance. They already knew of the offer and without hesitation accepted it. Win or lose, this was a big thing for them. While you managed their schedules with the other managers, you also had to juggle keeping track of the logistics of their stage design. The idea they have is an ambitious one you had to admit, rare do you see idol groups going this far but they did carry the philosophy of performing as if this stage will be their last. 

A small issue comes up in their stage planning, the dresser already got the green light but they worry about the prop to drive in the theme. The various lipstick shades offered to them didn’t quite stand out to them, hell even the make up artists were a little torn on which one would be best. “Just mix two shades or textures.” You suggest. While you had a fair knowledge of make up, it’s not up to par with those who have this as their profession. The suggestion you had given had already taken into account the dark and harsh lighting they’d pull for the stage. While you carry your laptop everywhere you go, you also have some copies of your paperwork in your phone-- just to save your back and shoulders from unnecessary pain. Would glossy finish work to bring it out? Shit, which red shades would even be a stark difference against San’s skin. “Technically this would also mean San has one shot in doing this.” Your head was swimming with thoughts and you rub your eyes as the exhaustion still hangs over you. You wanted the best for the boys in any situation. Him and Jongho were going to carry the atmosphere and they had to make it work. You stare at the shades of red that marked the back of San’s hand. You had to admit, it reminded you of your hand whenever you went out with the makeup artists. 

The make up artists suddenly perk up at the suggestion, an idea quickly forming in their head, they grab San’s hand to look for the two shades that were the closest to what they had brainstormed. Once they found it, they made a note of which shades and decided to try and hunt for it. San looks at you, thoroughly thankful for your suggestion as it had solved their last issue. “As expected from Manager-nim’s brain.” Hongjoong praises and you flash a small smile. You take note of the final list of everything from their outfits to the lighting and props. You have to send this list by tonight and you only have three hours before the deadline. Talk about clutch.  

As they rush about you, you settle yourself on the bench, typing away furiously at your near dying laptop. Maybe you only had thirty minutes before the deadline at this rate. You read the details outloud to everyone, making sure you didn’t leave anything out. Fifteen minutes after small edits. Once satisfied, you send the files to the producers and close your laptop, relieved to have one thing crossed off your list. Manager Bae senses your exhaustion and eyes the boys. “I’m driving tonight anyways, go and eat your dinner already and catch up on sleep until we need to bring them home.” 

You don’t go against his words this time and keep your laptop in your bag. “Watch over my stuff, I’ll grab something at the 7/11 downstairs. Want anything?” He shakes his head and you don't push your offer as he returns his focus on the boys. You only bring your wallet and your phone. Your earphones are drowning out how your brain begs for rest. Once in the store, you pick the first thing your stomach can tolerate from the lack of rest and for once you skip on the coffee and opt to grab the orange juice. A small attempt at staying healthy. 

You’re back in the company, eating your sandwich as carefully as possible and even through your earphones you can hear them rehearsing. The clock tells you it’s somewhere past midnight, you don’t know where the arm is, you just know it’s past twelve and you’re beyond exhausted. Once you finished with your sandwich you head back to the studio, the boys just a few counts away from the ending. Carefully, you slide your way to the bench with Manager Bae watching over them. “Did I miss anything?” You ask as you twist open your orange juice. 

He shakes his head.  “They’re wrapping up in an hour and a half.” That makes you settle in your seat, taking small sips of your juice. The way it makes you feel a little lighter is concerning but you push forward. As long as you have your sense of taste, you’re fine. As they finish up for the night, you’re already zoning out, your fingers dragging themselves against the edges of the bottle to keep yourself awake. 

You snap out of it every now and then. When you do, your eyes go to Jongho and Seonghwa, the two members who had just recovered from their injuries. They storm through the long rehearsal, they’re also the last ones standing as they walk around after the intensive run. The others already on the floor breathing heavily. Manager Bae snaps you out of your thoughts when the choreographers start packing up. Time to end the day. 

You pull up some of the members who seem to have become one with the floor. Sometimes having to use both hands from how they’re dragging their own weight down. “Boys, we’re going home. Come on.” You grunt amidst their whines of a few minutes to rest. San gets up without your help but helps you pick up the other members. You count the members, looking for the missing two. You glance over and you see Seonghwa has busied himself making sure Hongjoong goes home tonight. Once satisfied, you hoist your bag over your shoulder, stretching your tired body. “That’s all eight.” 

San looks over at you, your eyes looking a lot heavier than usual. “Are you free tomorrow?” He asks, pulling off his beanie to ruffle his hair. 

His question confuses you, how sudden it is to ask someone about their schedule for the following day, especially if their schedule technically revolves around them. “Yes, why? Do you need me to bring you somewhere?” You ask, as you wait for everyone to leave the studio. 

“Sleep in.” He says and that’s the only time you stared at him. The incredulous look on your face makes him sigh. “Hey, Manager-hyung. Does Manager-nim have a day off soon?” San asks Manager Bae and you shift your gaze to the mentioned man. 

The man looks at San with a raised eyebrow. “Yes because otherwise that would be concerning.” Just as San was about to say something to add to that, you cut him off.

“San, do not.” You actually don’t know what he was about to say exactly but you were not going to let him tell you when to rest. “I already made my day offs on the days after your promotion cycle, and I’m not changing that. I’ll just come to work a little later tomorrow.” It’s a compromise to ease his protective instincts kicking out. You sense that Seonghwa has been waiting for the two of you, not wanting to leave you behind. “Come on, Seonghwa’s already waiting for us.” With that, you make your way to him, already starting small talk with him and Hongjoong. 

San trails behind you, watching you chat with his hyungs without a worry, as if your head wasn’t spinning a few moments ago. He wonders if you’ve caught feelings for one of his hyungs. You did spend more time with them for various reasons. Was it Hongjoong or was it Seonghwa? Deep in his thoughts, he lingers around Yunho as everyone heads towards the car, trying his best to not always look at you. Even if he doesn’t, thoughts run in his head, thinking back to times you’ve interacted with Seonghwa or Hongjoong. In his head, it seemed that you and Seonghwa were more believable than you and Hongjoong. You’ve shared a few moments with Seonghwa in the past. Unknowingly, his brows scrunch up at how his thoughts have led him to such a conclusion but he keeps it to himself. The chatter in the car has mellowed down to tired sighs and soft hums: sounds not enough to drown or push away the thoughts that tangle themselves in his head. So he turns up the volume in his earphones, anything to distract himself from the thoughts. The songs that play are their latest songs and the final version of their remake. While he can’t dance in the car, he closes his eyes and visualises how he wants to do the stage. It doesn’t take much time before he falls asleep on the way home. 

The murmurs and sighs eventually became even breathing and soft snoring from the boys. You and Manager Bae softly discussing the next schedules and shifts. “Is it alright if I come in a little late tomorrow? I just really need to catch up on rest.” You tread carefully with the question. Promotions have already on their way and you’re already asking for a small break. 

“It’s fine. I can cover for you until you arrive.” He reassures. “What time do you plan to come in?” 

Your phone unlocks under your touch and you look at the calendar. “1 PM. I’ve done all the paperwork and logistical work for their Immortal Songs appearance and other radio appearances. I’m just waiting on the replies from the producers to relay to externals.” Somehow you manage to finish the last of your orange juice. Looks like you’re grabbing hot tea instead of your usual iced coffee tomorrow. 

The man next to you nods at your word. “You’ve been working hard lately too, it’s okay to rest every now and then.” He says with a laugh. “No wonder you and the boys get along.” The road in front of you is near empty, just a few taxis carrying businessmen tired from a long day of work and drinks. “But honestly, don’t stretch yourself too thin. If there’s anything you can’t do, Manager Yoon or I can help you.” 

The words touch you for a moment that you tip your head in thanks. “Yes, I’ll try my best.” Despite your sluggish feeling, you stay awake on the way home. 

--------

You arrive at the apartment complex with Manager Bae and you waking up the boys who have fallen asleep. They only had to be told that they’re at the apartment already to wake up and make their way to the elevator. San was the last to wake up-- as expected, and you were the last one with him, as usual. “Sannie, wake up. We’re home.” You say softly as you shake him awake. He doesn’t reply. “San, wake up. I can’t carry you.” Again, silence. You sigh and look through your contacts, about to call Yunho to help you wake him up. “San, if you don’t wake up I’m leaving you in this parking lot to sleep.” His eyes open at that threat. “San, I swear…” you trail off with a sigh, somehow you can’t get mad at his antics. He slides out of the car and with that you lock the car up, making sure everything else is secure. 

This time he brings you to your apartment first. He didn’t take a no for an answer, typical of him. The two of you quietly let the elevator bring you up to your designated floor. On the usual, you and San would be talking about the day or whatever was in his mind. This time, it was quiet. You stand next to him, and you lean your head against his shoulder, a long exhale of relief slipping through your lips. “You’ve worked hard, you know?” You say softly, his eyes on the display as the number goes up. “You’ve done a lot too, Strawberry.” The nickname came because of how your phone case had strawberry prints all over it. Along with your excitement for anything strawberry flavored.

No wonder you and Seonghwa got along so well. 

You smile at his words. “Thank you. You did amazing today too.” You return softly. Your words make him smile as well. He wishes the trip to your floor was slower, just to make the most out of moments like this.

 He kind of hopes that you don’t feel how hard his heart is pounding now. 

The elevator rings cutting the moment short and you stand up straight again. He doesn’t stay in the elevator this time. He opts to walk with you to your apartment. You look at him, a quiet question at him walking you to your apartment but he gives you no answer. Despite that, you aren’t scared. “Sannie, if you’re worried that I won’t rest, I will.” You start. “I’m coming to work at 1PM so it’s Manager Bae or Yoon bringing you guys to the company tomorrow.” You hand the car keys to him to give to either manager tomorrow. 

A sigh of relief comes out of him at your words. Without the cameras, he mellows down. “That’s good. I’ll see you later in the day then.” He says as he makes his way back to the elevator as you take a step into your safety. 

“Also, San?” 

He stops in his tracks and looks at you, waiting for you to continue.

“Thank you for taking care of me too. Please take care of yourself too.” You don’t think that he’s been a factor to you being able to keep yourself together. It’s part of your job to keep your shit together even in high amounts of stress but his concern for you warms you greatly. He's become a part of why you managed to keep yourself together for this long too.

He smiles at your words and hopes you sleep peacefully for the night. It’s been a long day for everyone. The last thing you see is his warm smile and back before you let yourself retreat into the comforting safety of your home. You figured that seeing his smile to end the day wasn’t so bad. 

--------

Everyone’s nervous for the stage, even you, but you can’t show your nerves. There’s enough nerves going about in this room for the ten of you. Their stylists are the first to arrive at their room, and everything goes on like clockwork. This time it was you and Manager Yoon who took over this shift. The previous days of rehearsal were really just to make sure the clothes fit them right along with the props. Everything they've prepared for has led to this day. As much as they are hungry for the win, the mere idea of them being in the same room and performing on the same stage as big names was incredibly humbling and overwhelming for them. 

The director gives them a run through of the schedule for the night which could stretch over to past midnight. In your bag were a few copies of their albums that they would give to the seniors and fellow idols, and you wondered how fans could carry so many albums when the albums in your bag was already your workout for the day. Seonghwa shuffles over to you after the director lets them get ready for the recording. 

“Let me take these from you.” He says softly as the rest of you enter the room. 

“Seonghwa!” He manages to get your bag off your hands and sets it down within your reach. 

“Even I know they’re too heavy to carry for prolonged periods of time.” The male quips and you can’t help but sigh a little at his thoughtful actions. Glad to see that even without cameras, they’re still the same kind hearted boys. 

You wave him off, handing his clothes to get ready for the long night ahead of them. “Now go change and get ready, you got a stage to tear down.” You watch him walk off to get changed and you catch San looking at your direction, as if too deep in thought. It takes awhile for you to snap him out of his thoughts. “Are you okay?” You ask once he gets back to reality. 

He blinks for a few moments, a little startled by the sudden lack of distance. “H-huh? Yeah.” The answer stumbling out of his mouth. He’s not gonna admit that he saw you and Seonghwa talk the entire time. The shaky answer musters a small smile from you. You hand him his clothes, gently pushing him to the dressing room. “Come on, go get ready. Show everyone what you guys got.” You hope he doesn’t catch the soft meow you let out as a joke to lift his spirits. Yet he does, take it from someone who’s a complete cat person to catch anything cat related. Once the meow lands on his ears, he smiles so brightly. 

“Ah! So cute!!” He squeals softly, his dimples making an appearance but he listens to you nonetheless. Even when his thoughts are in such a disarray, your words don’t fail to bring him peace even for a while. He can’t get himself to be bitter if someone else makes you happier than him. As long as you’re happy, shouldn’t that be enough? But he's greedy, he wants you to be happy because of him too. He’s also aware of how selfish that sounds and he's disgusted by how self centered he can be.

Once he leaves you alone with the rest of the staff, you bring out the albums, arranging them for when they visit the rest of the artists later on. One by one the members come out of the dressing room, fully dressed for their stage. One third of the magic is done, you were looking forward to how they’d look minutes before being called on stage. Now you can’t be in that part of the stage, only seeing the cuts through the monitor in the room. Once that was all finished, they’re ushered to the room where the magic begins. You and Manager Yoon give them supportive words as they leave the room. 

The recording goes by without a hitch but god was it long. You and Manager Yoon often went out to grab food or drinks for the staff in the same room as them to stay awake, even for the boys during the long breaks in between shoots. You didn't want to admit it out loud but you wish the shoot goes by quickly, but that was wishful thinking. There’s so much to record that goes on in this show and you know the boys can’t and wouldn’t complain. Being in a room with the legends, as San would say, is already an honor in itself. Performing in front of all of them? Another honor. You can only assume that the boys are going through so much emotions that they have to keep in control in front of the cameras. 

Everyone’s given a two hour break to eat dinner and freshen themselves up in time for the second half of the shoot. It doesn’t take the boys ten minutes to barge into the dressing room, still energized, if not more. The management was able to bring the entire room their dinner with some refreshments. As if they weren’t already loud, the sight of their meals made their voices boom through the room. 

It’s clear in Seonghwa’s eyes that he has to keep in mind his portions. While you respect his decisions, he sees how you look at him. He reassures with a look as well, knowing how concerned you get with how strict he can be with himself. The eldest member settles himself near you once he grabs his share of the meal. It’s because of him that the other members were sitting around you too, all of them telling stories of how the recording went and the antics they did. 

You stare at Yunho incredulously upon hearing that he made his ears turn red in less than five seconds. All he could do is hide his stuffed smile behind his hand, trying to shift the attention to the fact that San did another impersonation for national TV. 

“So I guess that he also did some taekwondo too?”

“You know me too well.” 

“It would be concerning if I didn’t, San.” 

The back and forth causes laughter to bubble from the small group. When they realize they only had half an hour left, they quickly finished what’s left of their meals and got their makeup retouched before rushing out. “Watch our stage! We’re performing soon!” Hongjoong asks the room as a staff member picks them up and ushers them back to the venue. 

The second half of the recording goes smoothly, and with how the MC was describing the next everyone knew it would be ATEEZ next. True enough, it was them and they’re ushered backstage, everyone’s glued to the monitor now. 

You weren’t able to see the dry run of this stage, too busy dealing with other brand deals and work that comes with being a manager. This means that this performance is going to be your first time watching it. The nerves were setting in now as your bottom lip is caught in between your teeth in thought. 

The stage starts and you have to commend Jongho and San for the haunting beginning that sets the tone for the entire performance. You weren’t sure as to why you were so nervous and worried for this stage when they managed to do everything they wanted for the stage and more. Even you felt out of breath by the end of the stage, but nonetheless you feel nothing but pride and relief for a smooth performance. Somehow even you keep note of the praises they receive for the stages, knowing that somewhere down the line they’d need this for future performances. They win the favor of the audience and for the rest of the show, they stay backstage. Without the cameras on them, you can only wonder what they’re up to. 

“You think they’re catching some sleep?” Yoon jokes to you as he keeps his eyes fixed on the screen. His words make you snort. 

“Pretty sure they won’t be able to catch some shut eye at this rate, they won against the previous artist, that’s enough adrenaline to keep them up until they get brought back to where everyone else is.” You speak a little too soon. The boys win once more and there’s only one last artist left to perform and everyone in the dressing room is stunned by the progression. The stylists knew that ATEEZ had a charm but none of them expected their charm to be this strong. 

The last artist performs and everyone’s at the edge of their seat for the final round wondering if the boys would make it. The lights flash back and forth and once it stays on ATEEZ, the entire room erupts in glee. You lose feeling in your legs at the results, too stunned to say anything. The boys on screen are in disarray with their emotions: Seonghwa and Yunho are breaking into tears, Mingi and Jongho practically jump off camera, Hongjoong, Yeosang and Wooyoung are too stunned to move, even San had to crouch down from the mere shock and happiness of everything. The rest of the recording goes by quickly and the boys are finally back in the room, a mix of hyper energy and quiet content. You and Yoon quickly take videos of their thoughts about winning for their log videos: you with the older four, him with the younger four. The quicker everyone finishes the needed work, the quicker everyone can go home. 

Once San has changed out of his stage clothes, he makes his way towards you even if Seonghwa drapes himself over you just for the sake of some shut eye. At least your bag’s a lot lighter now, otherwise you’d have to deal with a grown man draping himself over you like a dozing cat and albums. “Manager-nim! What do you think of our stage?” San asks, trying not to sulk at the fact your attention wasn’t completely on him. 

“San! You did amazing out there. You kinda looked scary out there too.” You praise him, even while readjusting Seonghwa’s position on you; at least he wasn’t putting his entire weight on you. 

San notices your attempt to carry the conversation even with his hyung being a baby. As expected, he tickles Seonghwa to get him off your back, literally. This results in a match of flailing hands from both boys. Maybe performing Black Cat was a perfect fit for these boys. You let them flail about for a few moments until everyone is accounted for. “Come on, time to head home for your cat naps.” You joke as you head to the car. 

It was a good thing that you and Manager Yoon brought two cars for this schedule. For sure some of the boys would sleep by the time their back hits the backrest of the seat, while some would still be buzzing with energy. You end up with the boys that would knock out by the time they get in the car. San called dibs on the passenger’s seat, while the rest sat at the back without complain. The ride home is a quiet one, San trying his best to stay awake to keep you awake as well. 

“San, it’s okay. Just get your sleep, I’ll wake all of you up when we get there.” You reassure him when his words start to slur and his head starts to bob to one side. 

“But..” He fails to finish his words as a yawn slowly erupts from him. Yeosang, Mingi and Hongjoong were at the back, too tired to even talk, you can only assume that they’re slouched over on their seat, already asleep. 

“San, it’s okay.” You repeat, as you drive carefully through a corner. “Sleep.” You say, almost as if it was an order. Moments pass with no response and you think he finally has fallen asleep. The rest of the drive is just your quiet breathing and the soft snores from who you can only assume is either Hongjoong or Mingi. 

What you don’t know is that San’s still awake, only his eyes were closed the entire time. His thoughts running wild, usually you didn’t let them be overly affectionate with you during work hours, yet you willingly let Seonghwa be on your back even with the possibly prying eyes. He’s certain that you don’t return his feelings at this point. He was sure some of the members already know of his feelings, hell Seonghwa teased him about it a few days ago. Illogical questions pop into his head; if Seonghwa knew of his feelings, why would he be like such towards you? He didn’t want to think so poorly of his own hyung. It was a war in his head, two different sides making possible points that were easily debunked by the other side. If he doesn’t do something about this, it would just be a disaster. He needed to find a way about it. 

In his tormented thoughts, he somehow managed to drift off into a state of in between conscious and unconscious up until he reached home. The three boys have gone up with the rest of the members, and it was only you and him left. 

“W-where..” he mutters, pushing himself up his seat, looking around with sleep weighing his eyes down. Maybe sleeping in that position wasn’t a good idea. When he realizes where he is, the thoughts rush back to him. 

Your voice was gentler this time, “We’re home, sleepyhead,” gently shaking his leg to wake him up a little bit more.  I’m bringing you to your dorm first.” You don’t take his whines to change your mind. He’s more tired than you are, hell he didn’t even remove his makeup on the way home. It takes a few minutes for you to lock the car up and make sure everything’s in place, when you turn around you still see him lingering about, hands rubbing his eyes. “I thought you’d go ahead.” You note, as you walk with him to the elevator. You wait for the elevator to arrive while making sure he doesn’t topple over. 

At least it’s Monday tomorrow. There’s no shows to rush to, no guestings either, it was just a day for them to recover after the hectic filming. You didn’t want to admit it but this routine is something you’ve come to love. As much as you love it though, you do worry for him especially now where he seems like he could just crumple over from the exhaustion. 

This time though, you don’t let San carry your bag on the way up. He’s tired enough as it is. He was practically sleeping while standing up. “You didn’t have to wait for me, you know?” You murmur as you wait for the elevator to arrive. 

“Wanted to.” he says under his breath. His eyes were heavy but the way he manages to still smile is a miracle. “... like being with you.” he continues softly. He rubs his eye with the palm of his hand, trying to push the sleepiness away. It can only help so much. 

“San, we have so many other chances. It won’t be long either until they lower the levels for the social distancing and health measures.” You reason gently. Truth be told, you’re scared he’d collapse from exhaustion here. Though you were strong, you’re unsure of your capabilities to lift a grown man along with two bags. “Come on, the elevator’s here.” You make sure the doors don’t close in on the two of you this time, instead of him doing it for you. 

You press his floor number first this time. 

He hums again, or says something that fails to make sense to you. “What?” You ask as you wait for the elevator to move. 

“I said, it’s hard to not like being with you.” He says, voice a little clearer now as he pushes himself up against the metal wall. “You’ve been doing your work to manage us and be a friend to us, even going beyond that. You’re really amazing.” 

A part of you wonders if he drank without you knowing in the car ride home but you let him continue. 

“Really jealous too. You’ve got your eye on someone no?” He asks, his smile carries something you never saw from him. 

“What?” That wakes you up. 

“Wish it was me instead, the one who has your heart y’kno?” He mumbles. 

“Choi San, did you drink alcohol without me knowing on the way back here?” You ask, clearly alarmed by the words falling from his mouth. Adrenaline slowly waking you up as you start to scan him for anything weird.

He looks at you and you see exhaustion has colored his features. Even with that, you see that he’s not inebriated from any substance. “N’t call me that..” He mutters. 

“But that’s your name.” You reach for his bottle, trying to see if he did drink without your permission. “San, I swear, if you drank without me knowing, I won’t tell the company _but_ you are in trouble to me.”

He pulls his bag away from your reach. As if that helps prove his innocence. “I’m serious.” He says, clearer this time. You wonder if the lift towards his floor was always this long, you look at him and he doesn't look as exhausted as he was earlier. He sees how you look at him with hesitance and disbelief so he takes the leap. “I really like you and I wish it was me instead that had your heart.” 

You weren’t sure if the lightheaded feeling was from how high you were from the ground or from his confession. Just as you were about to say something, the doors open to his floor and you’re greeted by Yunho on the other side. The two of you face away from each other in a feeble attempt to sweep everything under the rug. “Yunho, I thought you would be asleep by now.” You say, genuinely surprised to see the tall man. 

“Seonghwa Hyung got worried over San not being in the dorm yet so here I am.” He reaches out just before the doors close again. San steps out of the lift and waves at you, not wanting to look at you. 

“Sleep well guys.” You bid them goodbye and somehow something inside you hopes that him not looking at you was because of the need to rest and not because of what had happened minutes before. The last thing you see before the doors close in between you is his back and his heavy shoulders. 

Part 4

[cuubism]

friday fic update - 5! ⭐

by hiding and neglecting all other responsibilities SOMEHOW i posted TWO things this week? they’re both sequels to that one sort of dark yet humorous oneshot from a few months ago (Violet) and are here: 

1. Rouge  |  2. Cloud

dissolution 2. finally made some progress on this and now about.... 1/3 of the way through chapter 2??? 

here’s a (big) snippet:

The only thing left to do was to say goodbye to Chairman.

As if on cue, the cat padded over, his crooked tail stuck straight up in the air. He sat down at Magnus’s feet and mewed plaintively, looking up at him with his round green eyes.

He was sort of a jankily put-together cat, kind of small, and with a tendency to wobble when he walked. Alec had found him sitting on the front steps of their building a few weeks ago.

Most of the stray cats Magnus fed stayed outside, but with Chairman’s mobility issues, Magnus didn’t trust him not to get run over by a car. So he got to live in the loft, where he kept Magnus company when he was working—mostly by trying to sit on his head, knocking over potion ingredients, and disappearing for days on end until Magnus worked himself into a panic looking for him, only to emerge from behind a bookshelf or under the bed like he’d been there all along.

Magnus loved him.

“Hello, baby,” he crooned, leaning down to scratch him between the ears. “Who’s the most precious, most sweetest, most precious-est kitty in the world?”

“Nyah,” said the cat.

Alec made fun of him for how he talked to Chairman, but he was absolutely no better, and Magnus had video proof of that. He liked to watch it to cheer himself up whenever he had to deal with a particularly ornery client.

“You must be good for Cat and Madzie,” he told Chairman, pointing a stern finger at him. “Don’t disappear into the walls. And don’t play dead, I know you like to do that, too.”

“Mew,” said Chairman innocently, twining around Magnus’s ankles.

“I don’t like that tone,” Magnus told him. “Watch yourself, young man.”

wc: 10.9k / 60k 

mini bang. i’ve seriously been having to physically restrain myself from posting a snippet of this. having 17k words of tenderness that i have to SIT ON for another MONTH is agony 🙃

wc: 16.9k / 19k 

in the palm of your hand ch. 5. i’ve decided that i am GOING to write this this weekend. it’s been like almost a full month since i’ve updated it which is too long. it must happen now. 

wc: 4k / 8k 

wait... does this mean i wrote 9.5k words this week? eeeeeep no wonder I’m so fucking tired 😅 

good night! ⭐

[pink-grapefruit-cafe]

grapefruit’s fanfic masterpost

(because i think you should read it x)

Branjie

multi-chapter fics

trainwreck (3/3)

[lesbian fake dating au. teen branjie. 5k]

if we have each other (6/6)

[dad!vanjie centric kid fic containing heavy branjie and ninex and bits of scyvie, trixya, kasia and more. 16.2k]

treat me nice (never let me go) (15/15)

[branjie, lesbian pretty woman au. 34.5k]

summer lovin’ (8/?)

[lesbian love island au ft. every possible pairing. 27.1k] 

we didn’t start the fire (1/?)

[firefighter au. multiship. very domestic. multiship. light angst. 6.3k]

e le v e n (series)

imagine me and you (i do)

[episode 1. 1K.]

(and then you say) i think we’re alone now   

[episode 2. 811 words]

one (it’s the loneliest number)  

[episode 3. 1.2k]

(the danger is) i’m dangerous 

[episode 4. 842 words]

i was standing (you were there)  

[episode 5. 1k]

keep breathing (i can’t do this alone)  

[episode 6. 883 words]

(i know you’ll be by my side) in the heat of the moment 

[episode 7. 1.2k]

(run boy run) this world’s not made for you   

[episode 8. 1.1k]

hang onto your hopes my friend   

[episode 9. 991 words]                        

don’t stop me now (cause i’m having a good time)

[epsiode 10. 912 words] 

won’t ya kiss me (on that midnight street)  

[episode 11. 912 words]

dancing to the rhythm (of our heart and soul)    

[episode 12. 1k]

i light another cigarette (learn to forget)      

[reunion/epilogue. 111 words]

coughing up petals (series)

save your breath

[songfic save your breath - adore delano. 2.6K. brooke pov poetic angst]

twenty seven club   

[songfic twenty seven club - adore delano. 2K. dark vanessa pov angst]

les fleurs de l’enfers  

[hanahaki flower fic. 3.1k. can i argue this is underrated?]

my sense of wonder’s just a little tired   

[songfic lost - dermot kennedy. 1.2K. reunion centric angst]

of roses and bleeding and crying too much.

[songfic ivy - frank ocean. 792 words. idk]

freedom tastes like gasoline                                             

[songfic since you left me - joy cooke. 768 words. vanjie centric]

i’ll never be free

[songfic i’ll never be free. 624 words. for frey]

interlude (series)

interlude 1.1  

[5 times brooke kissed vanjie to calm her down, and 1 time vanjie kissed brooke. 2.8K]

interlude 1.2   

[The five times they follow the rules, and the one time they break them. 2.3k]

one-shots

summertime sadness  

[a depressing romp through finding love again. heavy angst. metaphors. 8.8k]

say it soft (and it’s almost like praying)   

[them saying i love you. metaphors. 1.1k. very soft. maybe my favourite]

colour theory  

[the colours of emotions basically. 888 words. i like it]

ice cream. 

[lesbian branjie kidfic. 1.1k. the kids grow up and ice cream is special]      

sunny (yesterday my life was full of grey)  

[happiness? idk that’s the description. 1k words.]

baby (you’re like lightning in a bottle)  

[vanjie meets brookes mom and is awkward. 1.2 k]

the broken hearts club.

[lesbian vanjie centric breakup fic. 2k]

an intimate discussion on the state of hotel beds

[lesbian friends with benefits, guilty pining, 1k words]

(wo)men in glass houses

[friends that should not have benefits. songfic. 1.5k]

Trixya

i hope you’ve got the time (to keep that air between your lungs) 

[lesbian university flower soulmate au. 4k. technically 2 chapters]

we’re not bruised they’re just party tattoos  

[i wrote this in 2017. 503 words]   

we’re not bruised they’re just party tattoos

[i rewrote it in 2020. 969 words]

who we are and who we are not

[good place au sort of. time bendy. does not require knowledge. 3k]

we didn’t start the fire (1/?)

[firefighter au. very domestic. multiship. light angst. 6.3k]

just like a folk song (our love will be passed on) (1/3)

[folklore songfic, coming of age. fluff. angst. 6.9k]

the language of flowers 

hello, goodbye, hello

[kasia and katya coming of age pre trixie. 3.6k]

ancolie (innocence, foolishness)

[lesbian flower shop/bakery au. 1.6k. fluff. flower metaphors.]

i’ll be yours (if you’ll be mine)

[multiship valentines drabble chapters set in katyas shop. much trixya. 4.5k]

workplace romance series

1793

[ the beginning of time. 1k]

1983

[ anaheim, the third time. 1k]

1990

[ santa monica, meeting two. 1.2ish k]

1995

[milwaukee, the fifth time. 1.2k]

2002

[ boston, no.4. 1k]

Ninex        

i believe that we will win

[iwhe universe fic. monet x nina with kids being supportive soccer dads. 736 words]

bad idea (let’s keep kissing)

[songfic bad idea - waitress. theatre lesbian au. 2.3k]

i’ll be yours (if you’ll be mine)

[multiship valentines drabble chapters set in katya's shop. 4.5k]

we didn’t start the fire (1/?)

[firefighter au. very domestic. multiship. light angst. 6.3k]

how will i know?

[phd student lecturers. songfic how will i know - whitney houston. 6k]

Kam/Asia

hello, goodbye, hello

[kasia and katya coming of age pre trixie. 3.6k]

we didn’t start the fire (1/?)

[firefighter au. very domestic. multiship. light angst. 6.3k]

drunk in love series (also a part of the iwhe universe)

(hey baby) i think i wanna marry you 

[rare pair fic challenge. 2.5k. drunk marriage. tour fic] 

peppermint and tequila     

[exactly how they got drunk enough to get married. 600 words]

Trixie/Bendelacreme

how did you get in (nobody’s supposed to be here) 

[based off of bens elimination in as3. 900 words.]

Jan/Jackie

i do like you.

[university fic, year abroad, pining, angst, loveeee, lesbians, 3.5k]

star-uncrossed

[Jan and Jackie meet and Jackie is the sweetest. falling in love. 1.7k]

we might be hollow (but we’re brave)

[coming of age songfic to lorde. fluffy. 3k]

liability

[a depressing romp through finding yourself after trauma. 6k. fluffy ending]

the kind of love you don’t believe in

[divorce lawyer/wedding planner lesbian au. pure fluff. i love it. 7.3k]

papillionlisse (3/6)

[harry potter au, exchange student, fluff, 9.5k]

we didn’t start the fire (1/?)

[firefighter au. very domestic. multiship. light angst. 6.3k]

Gigi/Nicky

i do like you.

[university fic, year abroad, pining, angst, loveeee, lesbians, 3.5k]

papillionlisse (3/6)

[harry potter au, exchange student, fluff, 9.5k]

Taywhora

don’t just stand their staring honey (try to move your feet)

[they were roommates/fake dating/friends to lovers. slowdance universe. 4k]

ain’t no doubt about (it i’m in love)

[soft valentines day fluff. slowdance universe. 1k ]

i couldn’t be more in love

[canon compliant. metaphors. angst. coughing up petals. 764 words]

Rose/Denali/Gott Mik

we cry tears of mascara in the bathroom (honey life is just a classroom)

[gottrose. drunk in bars. lesbian. songfic ]

tu besos es my salvation

[rosenali hanahaki. canon compliant competition based. ]

home for the summer

[gottrosenali. friends to lovers. coming of age. ]

Drabbles

i’m so tired [branjie]

they know the best of you [branjie]

middles [trixya]

evolution [branjie]

insomnia [ninex]

the birth of venus [branjie]

moments like these [trixya]

happy birthday [ninex]

3 a.m. [branjie]

witching hour. [branjie]

team building [jan x jackie]

my feet hurt. [jan x jackie]

cute [ninex]

can i kiss you? [jan x jackie]

grinch season [ninex]

family dinner [ninex]

miscommunication [ninex]

is that how you flirt? [jan x jackie]

Poetry

g r a p e f r u i t

[poetry collective]

Avengers Anthology Contributions

delicious

[an extended metaphor about pancakes. 1K. branjie]

[elisalromagnoli]

The Beginner’s Guide To Writing A lot - Camp NaNo Advice

First timers: Listen up

I'm doing a little series the first week on April on my writing blog to go further in depth on some tips and stuff but I saw a post on my dash and I was instantly inspired to write something because you can never have to many opinions. (*clears throat* 'hypocrite,' I murmur to myself.)

Camp NaNo isn't about writing 50k, so you can set your own goal... blah, blah, blah. I'm working on 65k this April - a lot, I know, but it's because I'm rewriting my NaNoWriMo novel. The stuff I'll be talking about are things I used to write 51.8k my first NaNoWriMo, which was last November and I also used them the time I wrote 9.5k overnight to hit a deadline ('I do not recommend this. Do not try this at home kids - and young hearted adults,' I let out a small sigh before continuing.). 

A word of advice whenever you’re doing some sort of ‘write a million words in a day’ challenge: even if you’re a planner, do not plan or outline heavily, especially if it’s your first time. ‘Why?’ you may ask, thinking that outlining will make your job easier. 

The first draft doesn’t need to have any super discernible plot, at the least it needs to be a series of scenes that connect to each other with some sort of shaky arc. At most it needs to be a series of scenes that connect together with a trembling arc. You can fix it in a couple centuries when you’re done cringing at it.

When you’re writing quickly, trying to keep at least some what in line with your outline wastes precious time and is really difficult. Plus, you’ve spent millions of hours working on what you want your story to look like and it’s hard to part from something that took so long. 

NaNoWriMo was the first time I kind of pantsed in a long time, it felt weird but I learned a lot about myself as a writer and I figured out how to let my characters tell their own stories. I used a tiny outline, meaning: I had an idea of what I wanted for my characters in the end, a few scene ideas in order, and I knew what I wanted the ending to look like. The basics.

First of all, get some sort of word count progress thingie-ma-jig, the one that NaNoWriMo and Camp NaNo have is adequate but it’s not really customizable.

If you don’t mind spending a few bucks I recommend using Pacemaker (i think you get like two custom plans for free), and if you’re looking for completely free beta website, I recommend myWriteClub. 

I go into all the details, pros and cons here. (x) 

Second, once you get into the head space, don’t stop writing. Stock up on diapers (It was a joke, but I might actually do this), food, water, caffeine, plenty of i-wrote-3-words-time-to-treat-myself books, and noise canceling earphones for those of us with siblings or kids (’It’s ok,’ I say with a nervous chuckle. ‘In theory, there’s only so much damage they can do.’).

Your fingers may scream protest. Keep writing.

Your fingers may give up. Become really good at dictating.

Third, don’t write every day. Yes, it’s recommended to write 1667 - or something like that - every day do finish with 50k, but you do want time to let your story rest and let your mind rest. You won’t finish if you wear yourself out.

With this being said, set your own word count goals: the great thing about Pacemaker, was that I could set up a custom schedule where I only had to write a couple hundred on some days and other days I could push myself, plus the plan adjusted itself based on what I wrote.  Some days I wrote 5k, other days I stared at the screen until tears rolled down my cheeks.

Four, please have an idea of what you’re writing before hand. I  didn’t figure out what I was going to do until 3 hours before NaNo started. Do note recommend. 

You can change the plot as much as you want as you’re writing but you’ll get started much faster if you have an idea in mind. 

Five, don’t delete words. 

You. are. forbidden. to. delete. words.

Six, group sprints will save your life and your sanity. myWriteClub has an awesome sprinting software set up, so does NaNoWriMo (I believe you can use it all year round now). Camp NaNo does not (*cries in writing*).  The competition will change your life, your story plot, and almost crash your laptop (don’t sprint on a phone.) - but you’ll hit your word count goal in no time at all. 

Seven, Pinterest and Instagram are awesome social platforms but this month we’re going to be asocial. 

Eight, turn off spell check. (You may also want to turn off your kids/siblings, your phone, your significant other, and your life in general.) Those red squiggly lines are insignificant, spelling doesn’t actually exist. 

When you’ve got spell check on, it’s 100% guaranteed (or your money back. jk, I’m almost broke.) that you’ll spend about 5 hours a day correcting your spelling mistakes from your speed writing sessions which will then turn into 10 hours of correcting grammar, and then you’ll have wasted the entire month editing your story.

Nine, if you can: write at night. Your inhibitions will be lowered, your mind will be blessedly full, and your fingers will type. The best part: your inner editor is too exhausted from stressing you out during the day, so you can writer whatever you want, however badly you want.

Dear old number ten: enjoy the experience. Whether you write 500 words or you write 12 million, it was a learning experience and you grew as a writer. Whether it’s your fourth time or you’ve being doing this since the very first year, it’s brand new. Squeaky clean. 

You’re writing a new, albeit sloppy, part of your history.

Also, disregard everything I’ve said here and go wild: live and learn, am I right?

I’ll also be doing daily and weekly updates like I did during NaNoWriMo, so follow my personal blog for those. If you don’t have wordpress, you can follow via email. 

Stay Safe.

Ellie

Random extra tip (eleven for the price of ten): make your playlist before, you will save so much time and effort.