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quarter-life-crisis2 · 2 years ago

Text

Here’s my reaction, thoughts and mini review:

During the testing convo: Tae “I don’t even remember her smile” he says sadly staring out the window at the rain vibes

Jk: send Getty photo of her smiling “there you go”

I was laughing at that hahhh

Also this was fucking funny. I mean I’d be mortified but that’s why it’s funny in this context

Dude,” says Max, taking a seat on her other side, “are you just going to keep staring at your ex until your uterus explodes? Because it’s getting really obvious.”

I’m so nervous for the conversation

Oh god I’m cringing how do you come back from this

"I…" Taehyung rubs the back of his neck, looking uneasy. "It wasn't like that. It wasn't… a relationship. Like a real one. We just - I mean, it was already public and I - I didn't want everything to have been for nothing."

Oh no no you have got to be kidding me. You know the drunken blow job is one thing, whatever is after nah fuck you I don’t know if she can forgive him but I don’t know if I can. This is like when your friend and her partner argue, they might forget them, but you never will. I feel so protective over her.

Excuse me??

It’s just kind of confusing,” he continues after a moment. “Walking around the garage. Being a mechanic and seeing the driver every day, not knowing what’s going on inside her head.

Nothing more unattractive than a man that doesn’t take rejection well.

I actually live for her when she’s like this. I’m not saying it’s healthy but the rage I feel inside needs to come out somehow

Dilara scoffs in disbelief. “What, are you afraid Max is going to hear? Do you really think he gives a fuck? Hey, Max,” she says loudly, turning to him. “Do you care that I was stupid enough to date a world famous popstar who got his cock sucked by another girl and then ghosted me till I got the message?”

Dressed in a checked shirt over a white t-shirt, sneakers and a baseball cap, Kim Namjoon looks like he’s ready to go on a hike at a moment’s notice.

Lol

You know when I read these stories I’m always sad while I’m reading and afraid to scroll cause I know it will end. You’re my favourite writer for sure.

The talk with namjoon, he’s just that dude isn’t he.

Oh god Hannah the intern my lord, this is why I never want to meet any celebrity I actually like. Girl please read the room take a breath and calm the fuck down

Noooo it’s finished why is it so short I need moreeeeeee

Solid solid episode god damnit

We’ve got good progress, especially emotionally. How can you trust him again though? I have to say the whole stating publicly that him and Jennie are dating was a big mistake. Also, being like “it wasn’t all for nothing”. I don’t get how he thought that might help at all.

Argh so frustrating but I love the pain. I love your universe so much I need it in video format.

I did draw a version of Dilara btw, a while back. But I’m not happy with it and I wanna get better before I even show you. I’m hoping in the new year I’ll be more consistent with my hobbies. One day it will see the light of day, but I fear I’ve postponed so long it will be disappointing no matter what. Nonetheless, your stories and characters are often on my mind.

The Reason (Taehyung x OC)

Summary: After a moment of unexpected nostalgia, Taehyung and Dilara have a talk.

Pairing: Taehyung x OC

Genre: Angst, minor smut

Word count: 15.3 K

Rating: 18+ for language and brief smut

Warnings: crass language (I mean it), mentions of infidelity and blowjobs, jealousy, kissing, nipple play, fingering, sex, masturbation, minor physical altercations

A/N: It hurt to write this one. Begins a little over a week after Melbourne in the present day and contains mentions of Namjoon and Kaya. The soundtrack to this fic is one of my all-time favourites 🖤

For my disclaimer regarding the other idol who plays a role in this fic, please read the sidenote in Melbourne.

Tagging: @bbl32 @quarter-life-crisis2 @meirkive @dreaming-with-happiness, @kflixnet (drop a message if you want to be added)

Listen to: “the reason” by hoobastank

taehyung masterlist | main masterlist

It doesn’t escape Dilara’s notice that one by one, all the members are getting back on her good side. It happens so gradually and so circumstantially that she doesn’t think much of it, not until they’re back in Italy a week later, this time in Imola, and she realises she’s not dreading seeing them as much as she was after the summer break in Belgium.

Even with Taehyung, it’s not dread she feels anymore. After the initial horror, awkwardness and forced avoidance, after seeing that absolving himself seemed to be his top priority, all the sadness and pain somewhere transformed into anger and borderline disgust. Being around him isn’t exactly difficult anymore, not the way it was before. Now, she’s just determined not to give him what he wants: a chance to apologise.

It's not easy. He's still he and she’s still she, and their history doesn't disappear just because she’s decided to torture him. There are still moments where it feels as though she might break down at any moment, demanding an explanation from him in a haze of tears.

Where the rest of the members are concerned, Dilara is still wary. Jimin is still far too loyal to Jungkook and Taehyung, the only two members she’s still consciously avoiding, to interact with her beyond pretty smiles and the occasional greeting when he catches her alone. Yoongi was never one to actively approach her anyway, choosing to talk to her only if the situation presented itself. Seokjin still seems to feel rather guilty and keeps a respectful distance, only ever asking her, for some reason, if she’s eaten.

Namjoon is the one person Dilara honestly wishes would be less guarded around her. After the shower incident in Austria, she’d awkwardly given him an actual travel size bottle of her cocoa butter conditioner as a thank you. He'd blushed and initially refused, but eventually taken it with a bashful and dimpled smile. She doesn’t know if it's the leader in him or if, like Seokjin, he's still feeling guilty, but either way, his absence is one that genuinely feels like a loss.

That leaves Hoseok, the only person in the entire house that speaks to her completely normally, calling out her name, asking her questions, offering her food and even offering to train with her when she offhandedly mentions how much aerobic training Lexie usually did with her. It's a beautiful offer and she’s almost considering accepting it when Jungkook enters the room and conspicuously loses his smile, looking from her to Hoseok before muttering something and stepping out of the room.

It's a different kind of awkwardness with Jungkook. For one, he's the only member younger than Dilara which makes the subtle power distance that exists with the others disappear. His guilt also feels different; his hesitation in meeting her gaze, his hurry in Austria to make sure that she knew the one detail she wanted the most… all combined with the fact that they silently work out together almost every day without a single word passing between them proves it. He didn't just help his friend dump his girlfriend; he also betrayed a friend on the way - and he knows it.

On Wednesday in Imola, after a hot and tiring day consisting of way too much PR with Netflix and unnecessary paddock drama, Dilara arrives at the house. The sun has set by now but the air isn't any cooler. Even in a tank top and sweatpants with her hair tied up, the heat is palpable. All she wants is to strip, get into the shower and stay there, possibly drown herself while she’s at it.

But when she nears the house, Dilara spots the group through the window in the living room. She can’t hear them from this distance but it looks like karaoke, with Namjoon and Taehyung holding mics while Jimin and Hoseok laugh and do a ridiculous routine in sync, all four of them facing the same direction. If she enters now, she’s guaranteed to ruin the mood. It's exhausting, being this Grinch-like figure, especially after the news Max gave her today.

Somehow, amidst all the relationship drama and racing incidents, Max Verstappen has managed to find a loophole and worm his way out of this PR shitstorm they have with BTS. Apparently his contract has a clause, allowing him to cut down on PR and endorsements if he's in the running for world champion.

It's foolproof, especially since Max is very much in contention for the title. But, selfishly, it means he's gone from here, choosing instead to live out of the luxury motorhomes most of the drivers usually use around Europe. As much as she tries to resist the urge, she ices him out enough to make it known to him just how much she resents him for leaving her alone in this house.

For the icing on the cake, Christian and Helmut give her a stern lecture on "taking one for the team", partly about this stupid PR nonsense and partly because they want to switch out her power unit for this race, which can only mean an insane grid penalty.

"You're a Red Bull driver," said Helmut, thick Austrian accent sounding more severe than ever. "If you can't make it through the field from P12, you have no business being here." He'd brushed her off after that, followed by Christian who'd simply shook his head at her. Now, standing outside the house, Dilara finds she has no desire to go inside and be the odd one out once again, darting through their taller figures and shutting herself inside her room for the rest of the weekend.

Suddenly overwhelmed by how fucked up everything is, Dilara rams her fist into the punching bag hanging outside. Her knuckles sting and for a fraction of a moment, she forgets about everything else. She punches it again, and again, and again, before she takes off her stupid backpack and swings it, hitting the stupid sack with it. Every punch is punctuated with a grunt or a scream of annoyance, each more satisfying than the last. Finally, she chucks her bag down and kicks the sack, once, twice, and collapses on the ground, facing the sky and not moving, trying to catch her breath.

She sees stars. Not in her head, but actual, real stars in the sky. It's too peaceful a sight for her mood at the moment so she shuts her eyes, wondering briefly if she can just sleep here and not wake up.

A soft sound does that for her, though. It's right next to her head, like something being dropped. She opens her eyes to see Jungkook looking down at her, wearing a t-shirt and shorts which are predictably all black, hair messier than ever and his expression a mixture of concern and hesitation. He doesn't say anything, so she turns her head to see what he dropped on the ground.

When she notices the boxing gloves, she scoffs quietly and looks back up at him again. He has another pair in his hands, his long fingers fiddling with the strings in what she imagines is nervousness. His offer is clear, even if he isn't saying anything. Dilara considers it, replaying an array of phone calls and how Jungkook had ignored each of them, until she’d finally tricked Jimin into answering her.

From the way his gaze falls momentarily, huge doe eyes meeting hers, she can tell he’s thinking the same thing. After another moment of considering it, she sits up and grabs the gloves, silently getting to her feet and following him to stand in front of the punching bag. They put on the gloves and he demonstrates a few moves to her, showing her how to stand, how to move her arm, how to use her back, where to concentrate her strength.

"No, try turning from here," he corrects after a while, coming up behind her and tapping her side before holding her shoulders and turning her. "Use your back. The force should come from here so that your arm doesn't get too tired," he explains, showing her how to do it and delivering a strong punch to the bag.

"Right," mutters Dilara, nodding and brushing her sweaty bangs off her forehead. She tries the move, and all the other moves he's shown her. It works for the most part; the strength and the adrenaline keeps her mind from going towards the suckfest that was today, especially when Jungkook brings out the pads and she tries to keep up with him.

"Don't go easy on me, Jeon," she warns him breathlessly, before throwing a surprise punch that he just catches.

Jungkook cracks a smile and for a moment, her stomach does a backflip at the world famous smile she hasn’t seen in weeks. "Not at all, Komyshan," he replies, tossing his own sweaty hair out of his eyes. "I know it’s not easy being the second strongest person in this house."

Dilara scoffs, not stopping. “Excuse me?”

“You know what I mean,” he mutters, eyes locked on her fists as he moves the pads in quick succession. “It’s a compliment. Oh, come on - you call that a punch?”

She doesn’t reply, partly unable to speak and partly unsure of what will come out of her mouth if she opens it. Instead she punches faster, her bangs falling in her eyes, her breath now coming in ragged bursts.

“Yeah, that’s better. Faster, faster - use your shoulders to - oh, fuck!” Jungkook’s hands, pads and all, fly up to his face, his eyes screwing shut as he covers his nose.

Dilara’s hands instantly fall to her sides, her jaw dropping. “Holy shit. Are you okay?”

He mumbles something incoherent before nodding and holding up one pad again. “I’m okay. Come on, keep going,” he instructs, his head tilted up with the other pad still covering his nose. “Come on,” he urges, waving his free hand, looking like some kind of demented windmill.

She looks at him incredulously. “Are you insane? I may have broken your nose.”

Despite the awkward angle of his head, he gives her a look. “You’re not that strong.”

“Shut up. You need to ice your face or something, Jungkook. We can do this some other -”

“No, come on, I hate leaving workouts midway.”

“We’re not going to keep boxing now.”

Jungkook groans, gingerly letting go of his face. “Why not?” he whines.

“Because I don’t want to get sued, you idiot,” snaps Dilara, knocking his hand away as he tries to stop her and moving closer to study his face. It looks alright from where she is, and she feels an unexpected bit of relief when he tries to move his nose and winces only a bit. “Can we just… I don’t know. Do something with less physical contact? Before someone thinks I did this on purpose?” she mutters.

Thankfully, he doesn’t respond to the last statement, only rolling his eyes and heading back into the gym. He returns with a shotput ball, easily four or five kilos, and they start tossing it back and forth, each catch working her arms, her back, her glutes and her quads. Finally, when they’re done and Dilara can't possibly move another muscle, she sighs and bends down, resting her hands against her knees.

"You're good," he comments after returning the gloves to their original place, running a hand through his jet black hair.

"Of course I am," she pants, straightening up. "Do you know how much strength we need to resist the G-force through every turn?" She frowns and tilts her head. “How’s your face?”

"Fine. The pain’s almost gone.”

“If you say so.”

“I’m telling you, it’s not that bad.” He smirks. “You’re not that strong,” he repeats.

She gives him a look. “Next time, catch me when I’m actually working out and not after a shitty day in the paddock, little boy,” she informs him. “We’ll see who’s the second strongest.”

“Deal.” Jungkook flashes her a toothy grin, and this time she can see relief in it as well. It reminds her instantly of why he might be feeling relieved and once again, the air is awkward.

“Anyway,” she begins after a moment, picking up her bag from where she’d abandoned it. “Thanks, for, uh…” She gestures to the workout gear.

Jungkook nods, eyes wide and anxious as he watches her leave. Just as she’s climbing the porch, he speaks again. “Dilara,” he calls. When she turns, he visibly hesitates. His expression reminds her of Jimin’s when he’d apologised, but a moment later he changes tacks.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t box without gloves.”

“Got it. Go ice your face.”

—

Tae [01:34] Jungkook

Jungkook [01:35] Yeah

Taehyung [01:35] Are you awake?

Jungkook [01:35] No, I’m sleep texting

Jimin [01:36] What’s happening

Jungkook [01:36] Why are you texting from the other room

Taehyung [01:36] Because Yoongi hyung is asleep in my room

Jimin [01:37] Yeah Hobi hyung is asleep in mine

Jungkook [01:37] So? Jin hyung is asleep in mine And how did we all end up in different rooms??

Taehyung [01:38] Unimportant I think Dilara is in the living room so we have to text

Jungkook [01:39] You’re avoiding her now?

Taehyung [01:40] No She’s avoiding me And if I have to watch her leave a room because of me again I think I might kill myself

Jimin [01:41] Since when do you call her Dilara?

Taehyung [01:41] Since she asked me to

Jungkook [01:41] Ouch

Jimin [01:41] She did?

Taehyung [01:42] Yeah, when she hurt her ankle So she was a bit preoccupied to realise she was ripping my heart out

Jungkook [01:43] Damn hyung

Taehyung [01:44] Forget it Are you two friends now?

Jungkook [01:44] I have no idea honestly But I’m leaning towards no

Taehyung [01:45] You were boxing with her

Jungkook [01:45] I was just helping her out

Jimin [01:45] Wait whaaat? Seriously?

Taehyung [01:46] Yeah, before dinner

Jungkook [01:47] That’s it though She was having a bad day and taking it out on the punching bag But she would’ve hurt herself the way she was doing it With bare fists

Taehyung [01:49] Why did she have a bad day?

Jungkook [01:49] I didn’t ask

Taehyung [01:49] Why not?

Jungkook [01:50] She hates me hyung

Taehyung [01:50] Apparently not

Jungkook [01:51] She’s still mad at me though The hyungs apologised to her which is why she’s sort of talking to them

Jimin [01:52] I apologised too

Taehyung [01:52] You did?

Jungkook [01:53] Wait what?

Jimin [01:53] In Austria

Jungkook [01:53] ��

Taehyung [01:54] Why am I only hearing about this now?

Jungkook [01:54] What did you say?

Jimin [01:55] That I was sorry I was the one that lied to her face Well, on the phone And I hate it when people are mad at me

Taehyung [01:57] What did she say?

Jimin [01:57] Nothing really I don’t think she was really prepared for it But she still seemed mad

Taehyung [01:58] At you?

Jimin [01:59] Not me so much

Taehyung [02:00] So... me What else did she say?

Jimin [02:00] Nothing

Taehyung [02:00] Really?

Jungkook [02:01] Jimin hyung

Jimin [02:02] She thought Taehyung sent me But I told her he didn’t

Jimin [02:03] I told her you still love her

Taehyung [02:04] You did?

Jungkook [02:04] Hyung 😬😬😬

Jimin [02:04] It’s true isn’t it?

Taehyung [02:05] What did she say to that?

Jimin [02:05] I don’t remember

Taehyung [02:05] Liar

Jimin [02:06] She didn’t believe me

Jimin [02:07] Taehyung She was angry and confused It doesn’t mean anything

Jungkook [02:10] Taehyung hyung?

Taehyung [02:12] So you don’t know why she had a bad day today?

Jungkook [02:12] Um no I didn’t want to make it worse by asking her

Taehyung [02:13] But she might need to talk

Jungkook [02:13] Not with me

Taehyung [02:14] Who else is here? You two were friends Although it seems like she and Jimin are too

Jimin [02:15] Taehyung It’s not like that And I don’t even know if she’s forgiven me

Jungkook [02:16] She has other friends hyung Her trainer Lexie?

Taehyung [02:17] She’s not here Have you seen her around? One of her parents is sick so she’s back home in America

Jungkook [02:18] How do you know

Taehyung [02:18] She told Namjoon hyung Apparently she’s telling everyone everything Except me And yes, I know it’s my fault

Jungkook [02:20] What about Max Verstappen?

Taehyung [02:21] He’s her competition, she would never talk to him And anyway, his solution is probably just to get her drunk

Jimin [02:22] Taehyung I think you should try talking to her again

Taehyung [02:23] That’s the worst idea

Jungkook [02:24] I think Jimin hyung is right You’re so worried about her She’ll know you still care It might even be a good thing

Taehyung [02:26] How could I fuck up this much? How could I do it? How did I put her in this position? Fuck fuck fuck

Jimin [02:29] Taehyung, don’t She’ll forgive you eventually Even if it takes time

Taehyung [02:30] What if she doesn’t?

Jungkook [02:30] She will hyung A few weeks ago she wouldn’t even look at any of us Now she’s talking and all

Taehyung [02:31] Will you box with her again?

Jungkook [02:31] If she wants to

Taehyung [02:31] She won’t ask Did it seem like she felt better afterwards?

Jungkook [02:32] Yeah She smiled and said thanks

Jimin [02:32] She smiled?

Jungkook [02:32] Like a tired smile

Taehyung [02:33] I don’t even remember what her smile looks like

Jimin [02:33] Taehyung…

Jungkook [02:33] Wait

Jungkook [02:34] [picture]

Jungkook [02:34] It’s a nice smile

Jimin [02:34] Jungkook!!!!

Jungkook [02:35] What?

Taehyung [02:36] I can’t do this Goodnight

—

Pain. It's pain, but a good pain. It's a stretch, like muscles that haven't been used in a while, like a stinging on the brink of turning sensual. She tightens her fingers and feels her nails sink into skin, followed by a hiss, partly of pain but mostly of pleasure.

She’s wet. So wet. Her thighs feel sticky and the soft, almost silent sound of fingers against her clit are barely audible over the sighs and moans. The stretch is worse this time but she’s filled up, so filled up…

"Taehyung..."

He pauses only long enough to toss his long hair out of his eyes, before looking down at her with such lust in his gaze that she wonders for a moment if he’s even aware of what he’s doing to her.

"Say it again." His voice is deep as he commands her softly. His hips move faster now, and every thrust is a whole new sensation of having her walls wrapped tightly around him.

"Say - say what?" She knows what. She can say it - she wants to say it. But she wants him to ask again.

Swiftly, in one movement, he picks up her left leg and throws it over his shoulder before lowering himself onto her. The stretch in her hips feels so good, so wonderfully colliding with how he's fucking her in this new angle, that she lets out a whimper.

"You know what. Say it. Tell me who's fucking you so good." In contrast to his lewd demands, his voice is soft, like deep velvet, his lips brushing her earlobe and his warm breath on her neck.

A particularly deep thrust makes her moan, her fingers threading through his thick hair and clutching at it. "Fuck, don't stop…"

He doesn't, but he moves his head lower and takes her hard, slightly sore right nipple into his mouth. His tongue swirls around it, lips brushing it, kissing it… everything apart from what he knows she really wants.

She pulls his hair slightly, urging him. When she feels his hair brush her breast, she looks down to see him gazing up at her, big eyes challenging. She sighs and drops her head back on the pillow. "God… Tae, please," she begs, admitting defeat. She just wants the sweet finish.

She hears his satisfied hum at her voice before he lowers his head again and sucks on her nipple. She moans louder as he increases his rhythm, straightening up a bit to support himself better. His hands reach up to knead at her breasts before he lowers one of them to between her legs, long fingers finding her clit again.

"Fuck, you're -" He grunts, breaking off to momentarily close his eyes, and she knows he's close, too. "You're so beautiful, Lara, fuck…"

His fingers move faster now and she knows she’s seconds away. "Tae, I'm - "

He nods, long hair falling into his eyes. "Cum all over my cock, baby… fuck, I want to see you cum…" He squeezes her nipple with his fingers and she lets out one last -

"Min Yoongi!"

Like the sound of a gunshot, Kim Seokjin's voice wakes her up with a jerk. She sits up suddenly, wondering for a moment if something’s wrong. Her breathing slows down when she registers silhouettes through the curtain on her window, recognising Seokjin, Yoongi and Jungkook, running around with what looks like a basketball in the backyard.

Sighing in relief and annoyance, she realises her legs are still trembling. With a throbbing in her core, she recalls the dream, shutting her eyes when she remembers who the subject was… and what he was doing to her. The thought alone sends another wave of heat through her and she involuntarily squeezes her thighs together.

Dilara checks her phone for the time and sighs. She doesn't need to be at the paddock for another hour and a half - or, rather, they don't. Today is another day of rigorous PR, both with F1 and BTS. They are to accompany her to the paddock, where this time, they will take turns driving fast cars. Thankfully, all she has are a few interviews and a couple of quiz-type things, mainly with Max, so as far as she’s concerned, he's the only person she needs to really interact with.

The tingling still hasn't gone away… she closes her eyes and, before she knows it, she’s lain back down on the bed. Just for a moment, she tells herself, snaking her hand down into her underwear, cursing softly when she feels how wet she still is. She hasn’t got properly laid in ages; he may have started her off, but there's nothing that says he needs to be there while she finishes, right?

But that resolve goes to shit fairly quickly, especially when the moment she closes her eyes, a familiar, beautiful face comes into view, jaw clenched, eyes heavily-lidded under his bangs, lean and golden torso within reach…

Dilara finishes in under a minute, biting back a moan and feeling only partly spent. The other part feels a bit glum, if she’s being honest, not to mention disgusted that after everything, he can still make her climax faster than ever. When she thinks about what his reaction would be if he knew, all traces of her orgasm disappear and she hurries out of bed, needing to shower this whole sex dream away.

It doesn’t get better after that. When she reaches the paddock, trying to brush off Max who comes at her with an apologetic hug for abandoning her with the group, but eventually giving in, she discovers that while she’s brought BTS, he’s brought Kelly Piquet. It takes a chorus of aahs from the bunch of the boys behind her to realise that not only has she arrived in a blur of shiny hair and red lipstick, but Penelope Kvyat has made her first appearance in this half of the season as well.

Predictably, all through filming the PR gimmick, Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon, and Taehyung most of all, are obsessed with her. Penelope is an adorable, lively child and the undivided attention she’s getting from the boys just makes her more so. Kelly is beyond thrilled, too, showing off her daughter and beaming with heartwarming pride, especially when any of the boys does something to make her giggle and laugh.

Dilara tries her hardest not to pay attention. She’s not particularly drawn to kids and neither, ironically, is Max himself. P is sweet, though, so Dilara can’t help but engage with her a bit when she first arrives, especially since she recognises her and runs towards her, squealing “Dilala!” before hugging her legs with her tiny arms. Even though Dilara prefers dogs doing it, she kneels and hugs P back, asking her exactly two questions she always asks kids before relying on the more kid-friendly people to take over.

Even after the PR shoot, the boys hang around, playing silly games with P, dancing with her and just making her laugh. Towards the end it’s just Jimin and Taehyung, both of whom look at her with such wonder and affection that Dilara is half-tempted to film it and release it on Twitter, watching the carnage around the world as she stands back and watches.

It’s the first time that Dilara has been around Taehyung for this long since Spa without him trying to approach her. He already seems so in love with Penelope, his boxy grin permanently etched on his face as he plays hopscotch with her. Nearby, Kelly looks on fondly as her daughter runs around.

She’s never seen him around kids, but now that she is… it doesn’t surprise her at all. Dilara watches him while she waits for the reporters to set up their cameras for her and Max’s interview, a strange ache in her chest. She can’t fully put her finger on it; it’s not love, or any kind of sadness. It’s almost nostalgic, as though if the smallest domino hadn’t caused a landslide of events, this exact moment would see a world of difference. She searches, half-heartedly, for the anger in her but it’s just too tiring.

Eventually, she gives up on hating him for a few minutes, watching with a tightness in her throat how happy he sounds when he laughs, his gigantic smile when P reaches up to fiddle with his fringe, how tall and limber he looks when he picks her up and spins her around.

“You know, you can still talk to him.”

Dilara snaps her head around and almost pulls a muscle. Next to her, Yoongi casually sits down on the pavement and stretches his legs out, giving her a brief and unreadable look.

“I don’t -”

“You were smiling.”

“No, I wasn’t,” she says immediately, suddenly realising he’s right and hoping no one else noticed. “And it doesn’t matter. Talking’s not going to change anything.”

Yoongi shrugs. “Maybe. Or maybe you’ll feel better. You know he’ll keep trying, anyway.”

She does know. He’s stubborn, so he’ll keep trying. He doesn’t want to feel like a bad person, so he’ll keep apologizing. He gets jealous, which explains the flash of blond she’d seen in the kitchen window when she and Jungkook were boxing together. He loves kids, so he’ll indulge them all day long.

“He hasn’t changed,” she murmurs, realising too late that she’s said it out loud.

“People don’t change in a few months,” says Yoongi. “Even people who’ve done the stupidest things,” he adds in a mutter, his eyes on Taehyung.

It’s not exactly what Dilara means, but she doesn’t voice it. It’s a dull, slightly painful realisation for her, because acknowledging her feelings doesn’t make them any less over. If anything, she’s looking forward to hearing him out even less now, now that she’s actually let herself think about him for more than thirty seconds without cursing him or crying.

At that moment, another familiar figure comes up behind them.

“Dude,” says Max, taking a seat on her other side, “are you just going to keep staring at your ex until your uterus explodes? Because it’s getting really obvious.”

Dilara chokes, ignoring Yoongi’s roll of the eyes; she doesn’t think he particularly takes to Max’s brand of frat boy commentary. “What are you - I wasn’t looking at -” Her stuttering only makes things worse and when Taehyung suddenly glances in their direction, his face softening when his eyes meet hers momentarily, she feels her heart skip a disproportionate beat. “Don’t be an idiot, Verstappen,” she mutters, standing up and dusting herself off before tugging at his t-shirt. “Come on, the interview’s starting.”

It's impossible to stop thinking about it, though. Even when they get back, the image of a carefree, happy, almost childlike Taehyung haunts her. It stays with her all day and before she knows it, Dilara’s heading to the lounge in the evening where she knows all the guys are.

Standing outside, she takes a deep breath, wondering if she’s really about to do this. She forces herself to think about how he looked earlier today with P, happy and laughing, so similar to how he’d looked in a field of puppies once upon a time. Before she can change her mind, she knocks.

It takes a few moments; the door opens to reveal Jungkook, eyes wide in surprise. Behind him, the others are frozen, barring Namjoon and Yoongi, the former shaking his head and the latter sparing her a glance before going back to his phone. Giving Jungkook a nod of acknowledgement and a polite hint of a smile, she looks straight at Taehyung in his white CELINE t-shirt, standing behind the sofa.

“Can I talk to you?” Dilara is careful to reveal nothing in her question or her tone. Judging by his frown and momentary hesitation, she’s succeeded.

“Yeah,” he says finally, as though pulling himself out of a trance. She nods and turns around to leave, glancing back when she reaches the front door to see him right behind her, pulling on a black jumper.

They head out to the backyard - or she heads out and he follows her, trailing a couple of steps behind. Dilara stops where the path to the gym begins and leans against the railing. He leans on the one opposite her, a good ten feet between them. Now that she’s finally in front of him, her words seem to fail her. She has to remind herself that right now, she has the power in this dynamic.

“So… why did you want to come outside?” he asks after a moment. He sounds doubtful, and she realises she hasn’t said anything yet.

Dilara shrugs, not knowing where to look. “Too many ears in there. And out here for that matter,” she adds. When he frowns, she raises her eyebrows and tilts her chin towards the house. He turns and they see three or four faces hurriedly disappear from the window.

She half-chuckles while Taehyung curses under his breath, slowly turning back to her. “How are you?” he asks. The question is innocent enough, but his tone burns with curiosity and - she isn’t sure - concern.

“Same old,” she answers. Before he can use this excuse to chit-chat, she exhales. “You said you wanted to explain.” She nods. “So… explain.”

All traces of his smile fade and he swallows, clearly knowing that this is where they were headed all along. For a few moments, he says nothing, just looking at the ground as he presumably gathers his thoughts. Then, he looks up, looking nervous but determined.

"Dilara, I -" He breaks off, sounding rather like he hasn't thought of what to say beyond these two words. She’s in no hurry, though. For once, she feels calm.

"First of all, I'm… God, I'm so sorry, Dilara, I'm so -"

"Stop," she interrupts, shaking her head. "Just… stop. This isn't… I don't want to hear you apologise." Dilara looks up to see his devastated face looking confused. "You said you wanted to explain. I assumed you meant… how it happened."

For a moment, it seems like he's going to argue. But then he licks his lips and nods, and she braces herself for the worst.

"I… we -" He huffs in frustration, and she knows it's because he's unable to think in English in a situation like this. "It was - it was a bad few months, Dilara. We were being overworked to death and you and I couldn't - we weren't… we didn't get time. Ever."

She says nothing. She knows what he's talking about but the last thing she wants to do right now is agree with him and give him an out he doesn't deserve.

"I know that doesn't make it okay. I know that." He shakes his head and runs his hand through his messy blond hair. "And I didn't - I wasn't… I had no intention of cheating on you, Dilara. I didn't want anyone else, ever. It was just… it was so busy and I was so angry that I couldn't talk to you and I missed you and it was just -" He breaks off, pressing the heels of his palms to his forehead. "I started feeling so far away from you and I hated it, I hated thinking we were going to be one of those couples that just - just drifted apart and fell out of love or -"

"So this was better?" Dilara can't help it. It almost sounds like an excuse and she’s not about to accept one.

"No, that's not what I meant, Dilara… come on, you know it was hard. And I was trying everything I could but it wasn’t enough and I didn't know what else to do and then… and then…"

The tone of his voice tells her what's coming. She swallows and pulls her hoodie tighter around herself, suddenly wondering if she’s ready to hear this.

Taehyung sighs shakily. "Jennie and I -" He breaks off abruptly and Dilara realises she’s automatically looked away at the mention of the name. "She - we've known each other for a while. Not well, of course, but… we've met at award shows and stuff and - and we were at a party and we were all drinking and…" His voice cracks and it looks like he's about to cry. "It was - it meant nothing. Not a thing. I promise you -"

"What happened?" she interrupts. When he frowns, she stands her ground. "What happened with her? What did you do?"

She can see it dawn on his face, what she’s asking. "I - are you serious?" he asks in horror.

"Yeah. I want to know." I want this to be as hard for you as it is for me, Kim Taehyung.

“I - that’s not a good idea.”

“I don’t care. I want to know.” Dilara holds his gaze. “You kissed her. Did you use tongue? Did you take off her top? Suck her tits?” She’s being brutal and extremely crass, but it’s the only way she’s going to make it through this confrontation without breaking.

Taehyung looks tortured. “Dilara, don’t…”

“Fine. I’ll go first. You know I went out with Jaden, right? Do you want to know what I did with him? Well, he actually did suck my tits when we went back to his room, but before that he kissed me in -”

She gets interrupted when Taehyung swears loudly, eyes blazing and looking livid. “I don’t want to fucking know!”

“Then tell me.”

"Dilara…" He warns through gritted teeth and she knows she’s lit a fuse. Good. Get angry. Bring it, Kim. When she doesn't respond, he squeezes his eyes shut and sighs before opening them, glaring at her as though telling her she’s asked for it.

"You really want to know? We - we made out, okay? She kissed me and I - I wanted to push her away but… I kissed her back and my hands, uh… went up her -” He breaks off, wincing, but Dilara doesn’t say anything. “... and I… and then she started unbuttoning my jeans and then she got on her knees and sucked me off until - no, Dilara, I’m sorry, please don't cry, baby…"

The tone of his voice changes instantly and she can hear the guilt washing over him. She feels him gently pull her by the shoulder to face him but she flinches out of his grasp again.

"Don't touch me!" she snaps hoarsely, sniffing and stepping back. "I’m just… God, I fucking - hate you!” she shouts suddenly, pushing him back by the shoulders. “I hate you so, so much!” she sobs, continuing to push him backwards, hating how he takes it in silence before his hands come up to hold her wrists, his strength overpowering hers for once.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, baby…”

Dilara can’t hear him. Physically, his voice sounds like she’s underwater because all she can do is picture it, picture the tall and beautiful idol - she can’t recall her face for the life of her, but imagines her tall and slender - getting down on her knees, adjusting a flowy dress, looking up at him with sexy eyes as she unbuckles his belt and pulls down his trousers… Dilara barely registers Taehyung bringing her into his chest, murmuring wrecked, desperate apologies in her hair, languages blurring into each other.

She can’t stop; it’s like a movie rolling in her head. Did Jennie palm him through his underwear first? She pictures him straining against black material, head tilted back as he lets out a throaty groan, a glass of whiskey in one hand. Dilara imagines her pulling his underwear down, taking him in her mouth, his large, angry length, bobbing her head, his fingers tangling in her hair… she lets out another shaky sob before she realises what she’s doing and with a strength she rarely uses outside her car, she pushes him away.

Taehyung stumbles backwards, taken off guard. Ignoring the shocked expression and how the tip of his nose is already reddening, Dilara angrily wipes whatever tears have escaped down her face. “Go on,” she snarls. When he sniffles, she stomps her foot. “Goddamnit, Kim! She sucked you off - what happened after? Did you fuck her? And you may as well tell me the truth because believe me, this can’t get any worse.”

He swallows. "I didn’t. I - I swear,” he says immediately, and Dilara believes him. When she raises her eyebrow at him expectantly, he shrugs. “Well, I - I mean, that was it," he says lamely, shrugging and stepping away. "I realised what I was doing and - and I just got the hell out of there. I felt so terrible, Dilara, you have no idea."

“Did you cum?” she asks quietly, looking at his feet. The silence is so long and deafening that the answer is obvious. She closes her eyes as her heart sinks.

“It meant nothing,” he whispers dismally. “I don’t even remember it. It didn’t mean a thing, Dilara.”

"Meant enough to date her after,” she mutters, unable to get the image out of her mind of him finishing in someone else’s mouth, eyes closed, a frown on his forehead, mouth open in ecstasy, emitting a low and raspy grunt that always echoed in the room...

"It wasn't like that… Dilara, I didn't know how to face you after that. I was so ashamed - I felt like such an asshole." Taehyung pauses, as though expecting her to agree with him. When she says nothing, he continues, bottom lip trembling now. "I couldn't believe what I'd done and I just needed - I just needed some time to figure out how to tell you and I…" He looks up at her and shakes his head, looking completely devastated. "I'm so sorry, Lara, I should've -"

"Jesus, stop apologising!" Dilara turns away from him, more angry than sad right now. "What the hell was I supposed to do while you were figuring it out? That didn’t matter to you?”

"I handled it horribly, I know. I knew I was going to hurt you and I -" He sighs, running a hand through his hair again. "I know I did anyway. But I swear, Dilara, I was going to tell you. I was going to tell you and do whatever it took to fix it. I didn't want to end it… I didn't want to lose you."

But you have. She doesn't need to say it - he knows. It lingers, unspoken, between them.

"But I guess I took too long…" His gaze falls and she hears him sniffle. "Jennie came to our studio and everything and we talked about it and we decided nothing more was going to happen, that we weren't… but then the article came out and I knew I was fucked. The moment I saw it I told Big Hit to put out a statement and I called you but I could never get through and then I got your package and -"

"And then you started dating her," she finishes for him, not finding it necessary to tell him that his tokenistic phone call means nothing to her, that blocking him achieved more than just rejecting his calls.

Dilara stares at him. "You - what? Are you kidding me?"

"No, I just mean that -"

"What the hell do you mean by everything?" she exclaims, dropping her hands to her sides. "Nothing happened to you - you're the one who -"

"I know and I hate what I did, but I never wanted us to be over, Lara -”

“I told you to stop calling me that!” she shouts, wanting to throw something. From the corner of her eye, she sees figures at the window again but she can’t be bothered about that right now. “You thought dating her was going to - what? Make the whole thing worth it?”

“Of course not - how can you say that? I fucked up, but I - I want to make it up to you, I - I know this couldn’t have been easy for -”

“Make it up to me?” she repeats, cutting him off again. “How? With your Starbucks coffee runs and pity trips to the medic? Save it, alright? I don’t want you to make it up to -”

“That’s not what I mean, Dilara! Come on, you - you won’t even let me apologise!” Taehyung cries, and this time the tremble in his voice is unmistakable. He’s frustrated and crying and, she realises right then, that she’s crying too. He walks up to her and tries to hold her face. “Dilara, I’m so sorry -”

“I don’t want your apologies,” she snarls quietly, pushing him away again. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Don’t you get it? Not after what you did.”

To her surprise, he nods and takes a step back. “I know,” he admits, sounding crestfallen. “I know what I did was unforgivable and - and cowardly and…” He meets her gaze, eyes glistening. “Lara, I love -”

“Fuck you.”

He breaks off abruptly and she feels his hand grab her wrist, stopping her where she’s walking away already.

“This was a mistake,” she spits, yanking her hand out of his. “Just… leave me alone.” Ignoring his shout of frustration, Dilara runs back inside, furiously wiping away her tears at the realisation that no matter what, nothing is going to change for her when it comes to Kim Taehyung.

---

The next morning, on the first day of Free Practice in Imola, Dilara is out of the house before anyone else has even woken up. She reaches the paddock at seven a.m in workout gear and goes for a run around the track; even in the empty circuit, she feels far more at home here than back at the house she’s actually living in.

Dilara blasts the music in her earphones to the highest volume, wanting to give herself no opportunity to think because she knows exactly where her mind will go if given the chance. She’d already spent an hour last night crying into her pillow before finally falling asleep - without dinner. When she’d woken suddenly to a notification from Lexie in another time zone, she’d sneaked out to the kitchen and scarfed down a bowl of cereal with cold milk, reflecting forlornly about how much of a disaster the previous evening was.

One round of the track is as much as she can manage without exhausting herself too much. She reaches the Red Bull garage, satisfyingly sweaty, and takes off my earphones as she heads to the water cooler for a drink before her shower.

“Hey, stranger.”

She whips around, startled, and her stomach flips uncomfortably. “Jaden… hey.”

Jaden gives her a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Did I scare you?” he asks, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Dilara shakes her head, suddenly conscious of what a mess she must look like. "I just didn't expect anyone else to be here this early."

"We're tweaking the power unit on Max's car," he explains, rocking back on his heels. "We need to get started early if we plan to get it done by FP."

She nods, realising a second later that she has no response. It's not that it's awkward, per se; one date is too less of a history to warrant anything other than cordial friendliness, especially when she’d broken things off with him so long ago. Right after the Korean GP, to be precise. She’d run into him in the paddock right after receiving the horrific news of Red Bull’s latest PR plan, and she’d decided to just nip this thing in the bud before it got too complicated.

Jaden had displayed more surprise than Dilara thought warranted. Since she couldn't tell him about the ex-boyfriend drama, she’d had to rely on simply sticking to the date and the fact that it wouldn't reflect well on either party if it got out that a driver and mechanic were a thing. He’d tried to argue, citing that they’d sneak around if they had to, that he'd help her through it.

She hadn’t thought much of the offer, especially since she’d succeeded in hiding her relationship with a BTS member from the whole world, but eventually Jaden relented. She could tell he was disappointed even if he did try to hide it, attempting to remind her that should she change her mind, he was right here.

Now, being alone with him for the first time since then, Dilara genuinely can't remember if she was ever really attracted to him at all. She’d snogged him… but then again, she’d been in a very vulnerable state of mind, with a lot of her thoughts occupied by a different man.

"No gym at the hotel?" He gestures to her physical appearance and she realises she hasn’t replied to his previous statement.

"Oh, um…" Nothing good can come of telling him the truth. "Yeah, no, there's just something about running on the track, you know? Almost like a mini track walk," she adds, confident in her fib.

"Huh," he nods, but she can tell he isn't really listening. "So… how have you been?"

"Same old," she answers safely, feeling a rush of deja vu. "Not a lot going on for a twenty-two race calendar."

"No boyfriend?" He asks teasingly, but she can sense the curiosity behind the question.

"That would be a no," she tells him, now shuffling away. “Look, I need to go and - and shower,” she says quickly, gesturing to herself and pointing vaguely in the direction of the changing rooms. “I’ll see you around.”

Dilara leaves before he can say anything else, but he finds her again later, less than an hour before FP 1. It’s a bit weird this time, though; he’s not mean in any way, but the friendliness seems much more staged.

She’s warming up in the back, earphones in with one eye on the screen and barely paying attention to the commentators debating today’s session, when she looks up and sees him at the doorway. She frowns, still in a plank position.

“Oh. Hey.” When he doesn’t say anything, she prods hesitantly. “Did you need something?”

Jaden shrugs. He’s dressed in his fireproof suit, just like her, with the overalls unzipped and hanging around his waist. “I was hoping to…” He trails off and sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry, I’m not… sure, really.”

Dilara swallows, resting her knees on the ground and standing up. “What’s up, Jaden?” she asks cautiously.

He licks his lips, apparently considering his words. He still looks like Kai from EXO; she’d thought that when she’d first met him at the fashion show in London and she still can’t shake the comparison from her mind.

“I wanted to know if… if you’d maybe want to go out again… with me.”

“Um… Jaden, we - we talked about this,” she reminds him, the anxiety already making her heart race uncomfortably. “It’s just not a good time and it’s - it’s not a good idea. So, I’m sorry, but… no.”

Jaden shifts on his feet, a frown creasing his forehead. “I hear you. But,” he begins, and her heart sinks, “those reasons… I just don’t know what they mean. I mean, did I, you know… did I do something that wasn’t -”

“Jaden,” she interrupts, now feeling really hassled. “It’s nothing to do with you, alright? I’m just not dating.”

“It’s just kind of confusing,” he continues after a moment. “Walking around the garage. Being a mechanic and seeing the driver every day, not knowing what’s going on inside her head.”

Dilara wants to frown incredulously but she holds herself back. “Good thing you’re on Max’s pit crew,” she points out finally.

Jaden gives a hollow chuckle and takes a step forward. “I just want to know -”

At that moment, the door behind her opens.

“Dilara, can I -” Taehyung stops when he sees she’s not alone and from the slight shuttering of his eyes and hardened jaw, she can tell he recognises Jaden. Standing in the doorway in just tan trousers and a black t-shirt, Taehyung looks absolutely breathtaking. He recovers in a second, slipping his hands casually into the pockets of his slacks and face going blank, smooth and impassive as always. “Can I have a word? It’s about PR.”

He’s lying. She’d know it even if she wasn’t sure they have no PR right now. Kim Taehyung’s a good actor, but she knows what the slightly upward tilt of his chin means, or the normally big eyes that are suddenly half-lidded. But right now, Dilara doesn’t care if he is. They may be as estranged as ever, but right now she’d choose being around him over Jaden.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Dilara turns back to Jaden, registering just before doing so that Taehyung didn’t even seem surprised at her agreement. “I need to, um…”

“Right, of course.” Nodding and looking slightly annoyed, Jaden backs up and goes out the door he came from, closing it behind him.

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, only to turn back and see Taehyung standing three feet away from her. “Jesus, you know, I just - I don’t have time for this right now. I have free practice in a bit,” she informs him hurriedly, starting to walk towards the coffee machine, but he stops her.

“Wait, what?” He looks confused. “You just said okay.”

Dilara scoffs. “Please, I just did that so I could get away from him,” she mutters, picking up a paper cup from the stack.

“Why?” Taehyung’s tone is sharp this time and, if she’s not mistaken, laced with concern. “What did he do?”

She finally looks up at him, eyes widening. “How is that any of your business?”

“Okay, fine, it’s not,” he agrees quickly, coming to stand next to her. “I just want to talk about last night, okay? Can we - “

“No, absolutely not.”

“Dilara, please, I just -”

“No. Just stop, okay? Look, you have to -”

A third person enters the room just then in the form of Max Verstappen, who nonchalantly moves to her other side to use the coffee machine. Dilara turns her attention back to Taehyung.

“You have to stop this. You have to stop talking to me like we’re together because we’re not. So can you -” She breaks off when his gaze darts to Max and he bites his lip before looking back at her, shaking his head a little.

Next to her, Max’s eyes flit up above her head to Taehyung momentarily. “No,” he says dryly, sounding like he genuinely means it, before reaching for the milk.

She turns back to Taehyung. “See?”

“Dilara…”

“No, stop. Stop seeking me out, stop giving me those eyes,” she says firmly. “Just stop talking to me. We’re done.”

Taehyung simply sighs as she picks up her coffee and moves around him to leave. Just before the door closes behind her, she hears Max mutter, “Race weekend is tough on everyone, mate.”

Thankfully, the most stubborn man Dilara has ever known actually listens to her this time and doesn’t approach her again the rest of the day. FP 1 goes about as well as she can hope, but the heat is something she knows is affecting all the drivers a fair bit. Dilara heads outside during a few minutes of rare breeze, sitting in the shade with a bottle of cold water.

She’s there for less than a minute when she sees a different Kim approaching her, expression one of chaotic calm. Dressed in a checked shirt over a white t-shirt, sneakers and a baseball cap, Kim Namjoon looks like he’s ready to go on a hike at a moment’s notice.

Even though they’re in a part of the paddock that isn’t accessible to the public, Dilara spots a couple of girls in Aston Martin uniforms point and break into furious whispers before running away. From Namjoon’s embarrassed chuckle, she knows he’s seen them, too.

“Does it ever get tiring?” she asks wryly, shifting slightly to make room for him as he sits next to her. “Knowing that wherever you go, there’s a thousand girls who’d like to show you a good time?”

“Nah, I kind of just ignore it now,” he answers, voice deep and comforting. “I have a girlfriend. Kind of eclipses the thousands of girls,” he says sincerely.

Dilara nods, the semi-romantic deep, deep down inside her knowing what he means. “It would break their hearts if they knew.”

“Guess it’s a good thing they don’t.” He shrugs. “It’s not worth the hassle.”

“Are you here to defend your friend to me?” she asks him, trying not to sound too wary and keeping her eyes trained on a grassy patch on the ground.

Namjoon bites his lip and looks at the ground, long hair covering his face. “No. I want to apologise,” he says after a moment. He waits for a few seconds, as though waiting for her to process the words. “I know I didn’t directly do anything to you. But I didn’t… not do anything either. And I’m sorry, Dilara.”

No, you didn’t. But she doesn’t feel like saying it out loud. Having him admit it… it feels different, unlike how Jimin’s apology felt. Jimin had guilt - plain, simple, heartbreaking guilt. Namjoon sounds disappointed, a soul-crushing image when she thinks about it.

“I’ve known Taehyung for over a decade, you know,” he says, looking up. “And we’ve had our share of disagreements and problems and stuff, but I’ve never been this disappointed in him before,” he confesses, surprisingly echoing her thoughts.

"You and me both," she murmurs after a moment. "But thanks."

"And also…" Namjoon clears his throat. "I hope you know that you can always… you know. Talk to us. Or me, at least. I kind of get the feeling that you think we're all on his side."

Dilara frowns. "Aren't you?" Isn’t that why this whole disaster happened?

"No," he clarifies immediately. "I mean, we're his - we're his friends, his brothers, his family, but… that doesn't mean we give him a pass for everything. What happened with you two…" He sighs, looking truly troubled. "I know we - the rest of us - played a part. But we're not choosing sides."

Dilara doesn't realise until this moment just how much she needed someone to say this, for someone to acknowledge that Taehyung fucked up and that she has questions - at least a hundred. But something holds her back.

As though picking up on it, Namjoon tilts his head to catch her eye. "You can trust me."

The paddock is emptier in this area than a usual Friday. She wonders briefly if it's because Namjoon is with her, or if everyone has flocked to where the rest of BTS is.

"You know, at first I didn't believe it," she begins, voice low and playing with the rings on her fingers. "I thought maybe he lost his phone or maybe he was angry with me or - or maybe he was hurt. Anything but this. I thought he loved me too much to do this.” She can’t keep the irony out of her voice. She swallows, her throat hurting when she relives that horrible week in March. “But Jimin is a bad liar, and I knew that if he had you guys lying for him, I didn’t stand a chance.”

“And then I saw the article and…” She sighs, remembering how everything had suddenly felt so empty. “And it proved everything I said to him when I told him we shouldn’t be in a relationship.”

Namjoon raises his eyebrows. “You anticipated this a year ago?” he asks, and she can tell he’s trying not to sound too sceptical.

“Maybe not the part where he ghosted me,” she allows, shrugging. “But Jennie? Sure I did,” she admits, feeling humiliated even saying it out loud. “I’m not blind, you know. They look perfect together.” She’s quiet for a moment, not trusting herself to speak anymore. “And it’s not even that. They’re both idols, they’re Korean, she’s… tall…” She trails off, finding it far too depressing to talk about. “It just makes so much more sense.”

Namjoon is chewing on his lip. “You know, I meant it when I said that I’m not here to defend Taehyung, but…” He gives her an apologetic look when she rolls her eyes. “You can’t possibly think it’s that simple,” he says, barely masking his incredulity.

Dilara doesn't like his tone. “Why not? What has he done to make me think otherwise? And besides," she continues when Namjoon simply sighs, "it's not even about her. Do you know how stupid I felt when I saw that article? That I was waiting for an explanation, getting worried about him, while he was too busy screwing k-pop’s ‘it girl’ to drop me a text to tell me he was done with me?" She shakes her head. "And… yeah, I know that's not exactly how it happened. He told me… something. Doesn't change the fact that I can’t stop picturing it, though," she mutters, rubbing at her eyes.

Nearly a minute passes, but Namjoon says nothing.

Dilara raises her eyebrows. "Seriously? You're really not going to help him out?"

He chuckles, a little nervously. "I think this is something he needs to fix himself," he says wisely. "That being said… I do think you should know that he wasn't quite as cavalier as you think," he adds. "I promise I'm not defending him. And I won't tell you if you don't want to know." He pauses, as though waiting for her to confirm.

Her resolve ends in about five seconds. "You're an evil man, Kim Namjoon. Alright, out with it."

Namjoon laughs. "Well, we were there, but… we didn't really know what was going on. We knew something was wrong and we found out about Jennie because we walked in on a fight between Taehyung and Seokjin. He'd actually caught them at the party, apparently…"

Dilara recalls Seokjin's face when he’d made her a sandwich, how his guilt had been plastered all over his face. At the time, she’d thought it was guilt by association. But he knew… he knew the whole time.

"... and he'd confessed to Jimin as well - did you know it was the first time in years that we'd ever seen them fight like that?" Namjoon shakes his head, as though trying to get rid of a bad memory. "But… apart from that, we had no idea. Honestly, until you started calling us, we didn't even know he was avoiding you. We thought he was being Taehyung, keeping things to himself, dealing with it in private… we kind of didn't feel like it was any of our business." He sighs. "And then the article broke."

She chuckles without humor. "That damned article."

"Yeah. Of course, it exaggerated everything - they actually weren't dating at the time. The pictures looked bad, I know, but she was speaking to YG and we made Big Hit put out a statement and everything and we kind of thought that was it." He shrugs apologetically. "We thought he'd finally call you, you'd be angry, he'd apologise and somehow you two would be okay." There's a frustration in his voice. "He would never do something so stupid to risk losing you like that.” He gives her an apologetic look. “But then your package came."

Dilara’s heart skips a beat; she’d almost forgotten about that. "So he got it, huh?" she asks quietly, remembering the ring he's still wearing on his index finger, the one that had hung around her neck for over a year.

"Oh, he got it." Namjoon bites his lip, as though suddenly wondering how much to tell her. "It arrived in our dorm and when he opened it and pulled out… I think it was a t-shirt? He didn't say anything. He just picked up the box and went into his room and didn't come out again for the rest of the night, not until we had to leave for the airport the next day. He was…" He shudders. "He was a wreck. I don't think he spoke to us for nearly two days. Then Jungkook tried to call you but when it didn't go through, we realised you'd blocked us. And Taehyung, presumably, which explained how he was acting. And, no, we couldn't even blame you," he finishes quietly.

Dilara doesn't know what to think. Her chest feels tight; she doesn't know if it's the thought of Taehyung in pain or that everything she thought she knew may just have been different. "So… what are you saying? All this happened because he was too late? I should forgive him because he was going through a hard time, too?"

Namjoon frowns. "Of course not. He still fucked up. Massively. And forgiving him is your decision. It's not my place to tell you what to do."

She’s quiet. She can tell he isn't lying about being disappointed. He sounds like he is, the slight edge in his voice, his determination that Taehyung deserves whatever she’s throwing at him.

"Do you miss Kaya?" Dilara asks him after a moment.

He frowns curiously, clearly not expecting it. "All the time," he answers. "Why?"

She shrugs. "Is it worth it? The distance and the secrecy and all that?" When he simply tilts his head slightly, she sighs. "Sorry, I know it's none of my business. Just thought a different perspective could help."

Namjoon nods slowly. "Well, then, yes. It's totally worth it. It's hard, for sure, being apart for so long, missing birthdays and stuff…" He trails off, and she’s worried for a moment that she’s ruined the mood - if that's even possible at this point. He exhales and shakes his head. "But… man, she keeps me sane. I’d probably have a breakdown once a month if she wasn’t there. Right now, even the worst day ever can't be that bad if I can still call her at the end of it." An automatic smile spreads across his face as he looks at his lap. "And she’s doing her Ph.D. Sometimes she feels way out of my league."

Dilara nods slowly. "Well, now I'm waiting for BTS's next hit, Ph.D.," she says wryly. When he chuckles self-consciously, she waves her hand in apology. "Sorry. She sounds great."

"She is," he agrees, nodding. "That's the part that's worth it. When you find someone like that, you really do anything you can to make sure you hold on to it, even if it means taking extra flights or staying up to video chat and stuff." He pauses, swallowing. “Seriously, I mean anything.”

Ah. Namjoon’s disdain for Taehyung’s actions is clear now, understandable even. For a man in a long distance relationship with what sounds like his the one, watching his friend screw up a similar situation while he himself is working so hard to maintain it has to be frustrating. Dilara wonders if that means he's equating her with Kaya, but she’s too afraid of the answer.

"Are you ever afraid it'll stop working?" she asks quietly. "And… feel free to tell me it's none of my business."

Namjoon considers it for a moment, and his face darkens as though battling with a memory. "I'm not… afraid of it. I'm worried, if that makes sense. I think it'll always work for me; my job would mean a long distance relationship no matter where my girlfriend lived, even if it was Korea. It's a drawback of the entire role, with BTS, producing, touring. But it's not her life," he admits, and I think he sounds sad. "She lives a normal life, with normal friends and a normal job and if she ever decides that she needs a boyfriend she can see more than once every couple of months…" He shrugs, but it seems tired. "I can't stop her. I'd want that for her, if it's something that she wanted. If it made her happy."

"Sounds… rare," says Dilara honestly, finding it hard to meet his eyes. She can feel him watching her and she thinks he knows what's on her mind.

"You know, Taehyung didn't really talk to us about this at all so I don't - I can't really pretend to know what he was thinking. But I do know what he was like during that time. With you versus without you," he clarifies. "With you… he was happy. Like, really, annoyingly happy. Without you… God, it was like living with the grinch. A mean, petty, heartbroken… and very handsome Grinch," he allows grudgingly. "He was moody, would barely talk to us, picked fights for no reason until Hobi finally had enough and threw a banana at him."

Dilara snorts at the image and Namjoon’s face breaks out into an exasperated smile as he shakes his head, as though reliving how he had to manage that fight.

"It was pretty funny, if you ignore why Taehyung was being so irritating," he concedes. "In any case, he improved a bit after that. Still kept to himself and was a bit sharp if the topic ever came too close to you… but he at least started trying again."

"Bet Jennie helped with that," she mutters.

"Dilara, it wasn't…"

"No, you know what?" Dilara pauses, wondering how to phrase this without sounding too pathetic. "You're not the first person to tell me that he didn't just forget me out of the blue. Jimin tried, but I told him I'd leave if he started talking about him. I think Jungkook wanted to say something but I accidentally… punched him in the face," she mutters, wincing slightly at the memory, and Namjoon snorts.

"It's just hard to believe, you know? Especially because I know he started dating her right after. And don't bother telling me Big Hit denied it, Namjoon. I know some fans don't give you guys your privacy but that was literally the only way I found out anything."

Namjoon shrugs. "I'm not denying it. They did date - technically. But - okay, you know what?" He changes tacks abruptly. "I don't know what happened in their relationship, I don't think it's right for me to talk about it."

She stares at him. "You're kidding me, right?" When he doesn't answer, she shifts to face him. "Namjoon, you just told me the story of how one of your members threw fruit at my ex-boyfriend and this is where you choose to draw the line?"

He raises an eyebrow. "You're sure you want to know? Because I don't know much either, to be honest," he declares, holding up his hands. "He didn't talk about her too much and we didn't really pry after a point."

That doesn't sound too good. But Dilara is weak. "Yes, I'm sure. Please, please tell me about the gorgeous, skinny pop star who was important enough to get him to throw away a year's worth of history."

Namjoon winces. “Not a great start.”

“Okay, fine. I won’t say anything.”

“Well, in short," he begins, “I think both of them were just dating on paper, for the most part. Maybe they intended to do it genuinely but at least Taehyung I know wasn’t in the mental state to move on.” He pauses. “It never seemed like Jennie was following up too much either.”

Dilara frowns, confused. “So… what? You’re saying it was staged?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think…” Namjoon’s eyebrows scrunch and he looks like he’s choosing his words carefully. “I think he just wanted something to come out of the shitstorm that happened with you. Like he didn't want all of that to have been for nothing. I guess it would've been harder for him to deal with, that he lost you over one incident, as opposed to losing you over something that turned into a relationship.”

So… Taehyung wasn't lying. He'd sort of said the same thing but not nearly as eloquently, and she’d had no patience for anything he was saying in any case.

“Didn't really work out, though,” he adds, unaware of her begrudging revelations. “One fine day he just told us at breakfast that he and Jennie were over and immediately changed the topic. A couple of weeks before the fashion show actually."

That fashion show. The day she’d spotted Jungkook and Jimin at the airport, and later seen them be received as the guests of honour at her work event, like some sick joke.

"Is that why he's trying so hard all of a sudden?" she asks after a moment. "Because it’s pretty fucked up that he cheated on me, broke up with me, dated the other girl, spent months without a word and it's only when I'm actually in front of him that he even tries to talk to me? What about those three months before the fashion show? What about all that time after the fashion show? Is he just after me to apologise because we're in the same house and he's bored or something?"

Namjoon gives her a look. "You know he tried to call you before, too," he reminds her in a tone that suggests sheI shouldn't forget. "But you'd blocked him - and you were completely within your right to do that," he adds hastily when she opens her mouth, murderous. "He was too late. It was his fault.”

She raises her eyebrows. “But…?”

He sighs. “I think he assumed that you'd moved on. When you sent him back all his stuff, including gifts, and then blocked him, it looked like you'd, you know, cleanly cut him out of your life," he explains, slicing his hand through the air. "You did a fantastic job ignoring us in London and then again in Yeongam, so most of us really did think you didn't care anymore."

"Good," she snaps savagely. "That was the point."

He nods, a little humbly, and Dilara immediately feels a bit guilty. "But then when we started this PR thing, it became pretty clear that you did care. He was devastated about your break-up, of course, but seeing you so broken up about it changed everything."

It's a lot to digest. "So what does he want now?" Dilara asks finally, feeling tired. "Does he just want to get it off his chest, feel like a good person again? What is it?" She’s baiting him. She wants him to confirm that Jimin's theory is wrong.

Namjoon does no such thing, however. He frowns at her in a manner that suggests he knows exactly what she’s doing and that he isn't going to spoon feed her the answer. "What do you think he wants?" When she simply huffs and rolls her eyes, he chuckles. "Come on, Dilara, I think it's fairly obvious what he wants, don't you think? How he feels? What he's trying to do to prove it? You're a smart girl," he says patiently, like she’s a schoolgirl.

"God, you must be one hell of a leader," she mutters, annoyed.

Namjoon laughs and stretches, dimples popping on his cheeks. "That's why Kaya keeps me sane, because I'm not her leader."

“Would’ve been cool to meet her.”

“I think you’d get along. You have a lot of things in common.”

“Yeah? Like our conditioner?”

“Well, that. And, yeah, she didn't think we'd work out at first either," he allows, shrugging.

"Yes, well, at least in your case you proved her wrong."

"So far," he agrees. "But that's what I mean, anyway. When you find someone like that, you do everything in your power to not mess it up. Or you grovel and grovel until she forgives you. It really takes a special kind of person to be able to date someone in BTS, you know? With this job and the fame," he says innocently.

Dilara stares at him. "What a sweet and incredibly manipulative thing to say."

He laughs. "So dramatic. Sometimes you and Taehyung make so much sense together."

She chokes. "Don't try to sweet talk me into forgiving him,” she warns, ignoring his grin. "And, anyway… I told him to leave me alone." A thought occurs to her. "He's stubborn, though. Do you think he really will?"

Namjoon looks thoughtful, then shrugs. "Like you said, he's stubborn. And if he sets his mind to something, he usually does whatever he needs to to get it." He looks down at her, but she doesn’t respond, sensing that he isn't done. "But at this point, I don't think there's anything in the world you could ask him for that he wouldn't give to you. Even if it kills him."

—

One fallout of Dilara’s conversation with Namjoon is an unexpected one: a slow, unexpected concern for Taehyung’s feelings. Most of what Namjoon said she could believe; all the moodiness and snapping, something she’d witnessed many times herself. The fact that it had apparently hurt him so much… she thinks she can believe it, but somehow it doesn't help the anger any.

But it's not really anger anymore, though. She wants it to be; it was far easier when it was just pure, unadulterated fury at his actions and disregard for her feelings, something she’d partly unleashed in Monza. But now there are different emotions creeping up, ones she had tried so hard to suppress for months, each of them reminding her that even though their relationship is over, they aren't.

Dilara replays their conversation - or their fight or whatever it was - over and over in her head. She’s barely able to concentrate on the actual words, though, each time stopping to relive how his hands had felt around her wrists, how the familiar scent of lotion had felt like summer, how his voice sounded when he accidentally called her Lara… and how helpless he looked when she’d cut off his apology. Even now, thinking back, she doesn’t know why she did that, why she stopped him from apologising. She just knows she doesn’t want him to.

The next race is at the Nurburgring in Germany, a cold and foggy track where everyone is in multiple layers and the only talk is around how the drivers are expected to ever warm up their tyres on this frigid track, let alone race. Dilara is on her way back from a rather pointless drivers' briefing with Max, Lando, George and Mick, all of them bundled in team gear. She’s the only one who looks like a potato, though, in her opinion, while the boys, all lean and tall, look like Burberry models.

She and Max lose the other three when they reach the Red Bull garage, entering the screening room to immediately be engulfed by the scent of chocolate. She’s confused for about a second before a cup with steam rising from it is thrust into her hand and she yelps when she feels how hot it is.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry!" The blonde intern, Hannah, immediately withdraws the cup from Dilara’s hand. "Sorry, sorry… it's hot chocolate! And guess whose idea it was!"

She sounds far too excited about hot chocolate; Dilara catches Max's eye who gives her a confused frown and she can almost hear him go what the fuck. She suppresses a snort, even though it’s not much of a guess, though. Hannah Kumpen had joined the hospitality team at the beginning of the year, and while her initial claim to fame had been her insistence to be positive, no matter the fuck up, the fashion show in London had brought forth another aspect of her personality that she seemed to want to suppress, but Dilara could recognise from a mile away: fangirl.

Dilara watches as Hannah skips over to where other Red Bull-clad people are standing, all clutching steaming mugs, along with the tall figures of BTS themselves. The first thing she spots is Jimin with a hat on his head, looking so much like a freezing cherub that she involuntarily smiles. The next thing she notices is the member next to him, her one and only ex-boyfriend, with the blonde intern standing much too close to him.

She feels a stab of anger at the sight, although she can't immediately pinpoint why. She doesn’t know if it's because Hannah is pretty, or if Dilara wants everyone to hate Taehyung as much as she does, or if it's just because he's her ex, or if the words that she's saying right now basically credit him with the idea of hot chocolate for everyone.

"... and he just decided, just like that," she gushes, clearly trying to keep her admiration under control but failing. "And then he wouldn't take no for an answer, even when Christian offered to at least split it! It was so generous," she declares, looking up at him like he's hung the moon before looking directly at Dilara."You would know, though, Dilara," she says knowingly, making her heart stop for a moment and she spots Taehyung do a double-take as well, "I'm sure that's why he's your favourite, isn't he?"

"I - I don't think I've ever said that," she stutters, but Hannah apparently isn’t looking for confirmation.

"No, I know you haven't," she says teasingly, still annoyingly chirpy. "But it was really generous.”

There’s a moment of silence where her eyes dart from Dilara and Max, both of whom looked mystified, to Taehyung whose head is bent low, to the rest of the group, who look like they’re on the verge of bursting a blood vessel as they try not to guffaw.

When no one responds, Taehyung exhales silently and looks up, apparently relieved his ordeal is over. Then -

“He rescues animals, too,” chimes Hannah, looking rather proud of this fact, as though he’s the child she raised to have such wonderful values. “He has a dog with health problems,” she says to no one. “His name is Yeontan.”

Dilara doesn’t know which to focus on: the exaggeration, because as far as she knows, Kim Taehyung has only ever adopted one rescue animal, or resisting the urge to throttle this girl and snarl that she fucking knows who Yeontan is. However, John, one of the mechanics who’s standing next to them with a mug of his own, glances up briefly at that.

“Oh, you adopted a rescue, that’s fantastic. I have a couple myself,” he adds. “One’s a terrier and the other -”

“Oh, Taehyung’s is a shitzu,” she says immediately, and even John looks a bit miffed at being cut off. “He's always featuring in lives and pictures and stuff. I think it takes a really good person to adopt a dog with health problems, don't you think? Pets are a huge responsibility and with an idol’s job… I mean, it's admirable…"

Dilara looks up at Taehyung, a little disbelieving that he hasn't told her to get a grip yet. He does look pretty mortified; he'd started off with mild bashfulness when they’d walked in, but now looks like he's rather regretting the hot chocolate entirely.

He gives Dilara an apologetic look when she meets his eyes for a moment, as though reassuring her that he knows she knows who Yeontan is, that he'd tell Hannah the truth if he could. It's actually hilarious, but she’s far too annoyed at how Hannah is now holding his arm casually, as though she hasn’t even realised. Next to him, Jungkook, Hoseok and Seokjin are red in the face from the cold - or from trying not to laugh. Jimin has disappeared behind Hoseok entirely, shoulders shaking with what is clearly laughter.

Even Max looks unbelievably amused, and Dilara notices Taehyung catch his eye and shake his head slightly in embarrassment. Thankfully, Christian joins them then and Hannah tones it down a bit with the personal information, to everyone’s relief.

"Oi, why don't you two have drinks?" Christian asks, raising his own mug, and Hannah seems to suddenly realise and immediately calls for two mugs when Max and Dilara shake their heads.

"It's a race weekend," she explains, mostly for Taehyung’s benefit, for no matter what their situation is, it actually was a nice thing for him to do.

To her surprise, his eyes light up at her comment and he opens his mouth to say something, but Hannah beats him to it.

"Oh, don't worry! Tae actually got you guys low sugar ones!"

While Dilara internally fumes at her nerve to call him Tae, right on cue, two mugs appear before them. She looks at Max, who shrugs and reaches enthusiastically for one of them.

"Works for me," is all he says, sighing when he takes a sip. Dilara takes that as her cue to accept as well, a not altogether unpleasant squirm in her stomach when she realises that Taehyung remembered that she prefers not to have sugar on a race weekend.

"Isn’t he wonderful?” Hannah repeats for what seems like the hundredth time.

Next to them, Christian nods in assent, studying his drink. "Stellar bloke," he agrees absently, raising his mug slightly. Max agrees, too, but the dry amusement is more than evident.

"Yes, Taehyung's the best," says Yoongi, straight-faced.

"He's just great," agrees Namjoon, while the others only silently shake their heads. Dilara sees Taehyung give them a murderous look, just before multiple pairs of eyes turn to her and she feels a terrible sense of foreboding.

There's an expectant silence in the air, and it takes her a moment to realise it's because everyone is expecting her to say it next. How Taehyung’s a good person, so generous and so thoughtful… she looks away from him, suddenly unable to say anything. Once three, five, ten seconds pass, Dilara knows the group at least have picked up on her hesitation. She’s deliberately not looking at Taehyung, but even in her slight peripheral vision, she sees his face crumple and she knows her lack of response is breaking his heart.

Next to her, Max nudges her quietly. She looks up to see Christian frowning at her and she knows she’s lost. "Yeah, of course he is,"she agrees finally, unable to stop a note of irony from creeping into her voice.

Dilara doesn’t say another word until everyone starts leaving the room. Predictably, Taehyung stays back. She knows what she did, how uncalled for it was, but she has no way of making him realise just how hard it is being around him - especially when she knows he hasn't changed, when his lapse in judgement becomes more and more apparent as a lapse, when she can see him doing and saying things that remind her of why she fell in love with him at all.

She feels him standing behind her, close enough that if she stretches her hand backwards, she’d be able to touch the soft beige coat he's wearing. Her heart drops when he says her name.

"Dilara…"

It still sounds like a song coming from his mouth, a sad but treasured song. He’s just wonderful. She wanted to scream when Hannah said it, wanted to demand that if she really thought so, what about all the shit he did to her? How did it matter that he bought everyone hot chocolate, that he had a special needs dog who meant the world to him, or that he was wonderful with kids when he still loved Dilara and hurt her anyway?

“Dilara, I know I -”

“No, they were right,” she interrupts, stepping away and not meeting his eyes. “You’re just awesome. And you’re wonderful and - and you’re perfect. Everyone thinks so,” she adds icily, swallowing when her eyes start to sting. “They can’t all be wrong. Guess I must have done something really awful for you to do what you did to me.” She finally looks up at him, scoffing slightly when he immediately shakes his head.

“You know you didn’t,” says Taehyung, voice low. He takes a step forward and she immediately steps back. “This was all me.”

He’s probably right, so when Dilara is in the library of the house later that evening, looking for a book Namjoon had recommended after their heart to heart in Austria, and she sees Taehyung enter from the corner of her eye, she doesn’t walk away. She shivers, but she doesn’t know if it’s because of the cold breeze through the open window or him coming up to stand behind her again, keeping his distance but still feeling so, so close.

She thinks she knows why he’s here. She hears him take a deep breath, completely steady.

“I’m sorry, Dilara.” His voice is heavy with regret, and her knees almost give away. “I’m so, so sorry. For everything. What I did… I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave me or never talked to me again. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know that means nothing because I did anyway but… I’m so sorry.”

She can’t tell if he’s crying yet. His voice gives nothing away; he sounds oddly exhausted, but she knows what that’s like. It’s the only thing keeping her from sobbing, from snarling at him and stopping him from apologising again.

“I ruined it. The best thing that ever happened to me. Because you were, you know?” He sniffs, and she has to grit her teeth from making a sound. “You are. But that’s not… I’m not going to talk about that now. This is… I owe you an apology. And I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know.”

Dilara can feel him behind her again. He’s so close and for a moment she wants to stop being strong and stop hating him and stop being angry with him. She’d almost done that when they’d fought in Austria, except then the explanation had been too raw and too fresh, and all her focus had been on the hurt and betrayal.

Now… now it’s just him. It’s the warmth of his body inches behind hers, heat radiating off of it even in the freezing cold, his deep voice like velvet, and his words coursing through her veins, bringing up all the emotion she’d felt months ago when she’d seen him in Yeongam and broken down in front of Lexie.

“What did I do?” The words are out of her mouth before she even realises. “I thought…” I thought you loved me. But she stops herself just in time. “What did I do that was so bad that you chose to - to leave me behind like that?”

Taehyung sighs, a guttural sound, and she knows he’s hanging his head; his hair brushes her shoulder. He’s so close; she can practically feel his breath on her neck. She pictures, for a moment, what it would be like to turn around and kiss him, feel those lips on hers again, lips she genuinely thought would be the last ones she would ever feel. Her eyes flutter shut momentarily; irrespective of how she feels, her body clearly reacts to him the way it always has.

“Nothing. If I’d known you still -” He breaks off, taking a deep breath. “I was too late. If I’d known you still cared, I would’ve flown anywhere in the world to explain everything to you. I was too late,” he repeats, almost to himself. His bangs brush her neck ever so slightly as he takes a step back, and she feels the cold breeze on her skin again.

“Trust me, Dilara,” he says softly, and she wants to sob at how her name sounds on his tongue, reverential and intimate all at once. “You can’t possibly hate me for hurting you as much as I hate myself.”

Dilara sighs. She doesn’t know that she will ever be able to explain to him the real reason she wasn’t letting him apologise. Harbouring the anger, watching his frustration as she avoided him, the grim satisfaction that he was now the one being ignored; they helped - until they didn’t.

She doesn’t know that she will ever be able to put into words just how her chest is loosening up, now that the weight of the anger is shedding, but also how her heart feels heavier than ever because now that the anger is gone, she’s finally forced to acknowledge what’s underneath all that… what’s still underneath all that.

Dilara exhales and slowly turns around, the book in her hand. Taehyung's standing closer than she’d expected and she has to tilt her head up to look him in the eye. She’d always loved how tall he was, but she shakes the thoughts away. His blond hair is tousled and she has to resist the urge to brush it off his forehead.

"That's the problem, though," she tells him, catching herself before she says his name, "I don't hate you." With one last look at his slight frown, she brushes past him and leaves the library.

—

#quarter life crisis favourite #quarter life crisis reviews #taehyung x oc

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