#I TRIED TO PUT RELATIONSHIP IN INVERTED COMMAS AND TUMBLR TAGS REMOVED THEM
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UGH SO
THE GIRL THAT I HAVE CRUSH ON*
WILL BE BACK IN THE COUNTRY IN A MATTER OF DAYS
AND MY CURRENT FEELS ARE
PLZ DONโT MAKE ME SAD NAME REDACTED PLZ
#diary#*OBVIOUSLY ITS MORE THAN A CRUSH BC WE HAVE DONE THE KISSY KISSY ETC ETC ETC#BUT WE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP#I TRIED TO PUT RELATIONSHIP IN INVERTED COMMAS AND TUMBLR TAGS REMOVED THEM#ITS LIKE LOWKEY ALMOST A RELATIONSHIP#BUT WE HAD SO MANY CHATS A WHILE BACK LIKE BEFORE SHE LEFT THE COUNTRY#ABOUT WHY IT SHOULDN'T BE LABELED A RELATIONSHIP BLAH BLAH BLAH#THIS IS OKAY AND WE WERE ON THE SAME PAGE WHEN SHE LEFT#BUT ITS BEEN A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AND U KNO HOW PPL KINDA JUST DROP OFF ONLINE CHATS WHEN THEY OVERSEAS#YEAH#WE BARELY TALKED AND IT SCARES ME THAT SHE MIGHT COME HONME AND BE LIKE NAH GIRL BYE#I HAVE ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE AND SHE 100% HAS AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE SO LIKE#ITS PROBS IRRATIONAL TO BE SO CONCERNED THAT SHE WILL COME HOME AND DECIDE NO MORE CYNTHIA FOR ME#I'M HOT N SEXI N DREAMY OKAY#SHE INTO MEEEEEEEE#THERE BEEN ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO SAY THAT SHE LIKES ME AND STILL WANTS TO MAINTAIN A CONNECTION WHEN SHE GETS BACK#I ALSO REALISED THAT LIKE FOR HER PAST TRAUMAS AND WHERE SHES AT WITH HEALING IT HAS TO BE OKAY FOR US TO BE ~ NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP ~#WITHOUT TACKING THE WORD ~ YET ~ TO THE END OF THAT LINE#AND ALSO HAVING SPACE AND TIME AWAY FROM HER HAS ME LIKE#BRUH NAH SHE AINT READY TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND AND I DON'T WANT HER AS MY GF IF SHE ISN'T READY FOR THAT#SHE HAS LOTS TO LEARN AND UNLEARN AND I DO TOO#IF SHE WANTS TO LEARN AND UNLEARN THE SHIT WITH ME THEN I WANT TO KKNOW HER#IF SHE DOESN'T WANNA LEARN AND UNLEARN SHIT WITH ME THEN MAYBE I ONLY WANT FRIENDSHIP WITH HER WHICH WOULD FKN HURT BC#OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFT SHE MAKES ME FEEEEEEEL THINGS#EMOTIONAL AND NON EMOTIONAL LOLOLOLOLOLOL#but bruh srsly plz don't break my heart#i keep sitting in the discomfort and practicing the skills i been learning in therapy and it is helping#i hate it but i know its helping so i resist urge to send her capslock texts saying why the fuck u leave me on seen hoe why the fuckkkkkk#not like i ever do that - or not those literal words#so i been panicking a lil bit and i just want to have a soft sapphic summer not a soggy sad girl summer okay
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