#I STILL HAVE -ANY- TIME/ENERGY FOR ART AND THATS WHAT MATTERS TO ME!!! I WILL CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD

[scatterpatter]

i got FIVE ATTACS DONE IN 24 HOURS

i wanted to do at least 10 this month but THATS OKAY ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING

i am DOING MY BEST and THATS OKAY

IM ALSO GETTING TRANSITIONED TO A NEW THERAPIST SO IM DOING MY BEST

[kimaswork]

A challenge. That was your solution. So many men in Sumeru wanted you for your beauty, so what was a young witch like yourself to do? Thats when you saw a stray cat in the distance and an idea hit you.

Putting up a notice on the commission board, you wrote that whoever could get a bell from a stray black cat, would be given the chance to date you. A simple challenge right? No.

For there was a catch- you were the cat.

Being a witch, a chaos witch in particular, you weren’t restrained to any rules in the magic world. Other witches like Mona, are bound to astral magic. But you could use any kind you wished with bor limits. Chaos was yours to wield and that involved having all the magic arts at your disposal.

There were many attempts made as men dashed, leaped, and chased after you. Some even resorted to traps, of which you were displeased with as you occasionally tripped just for the fun of it. You snickered as you watched the men exasperatedly groan as their traps were found empty or torn to shreds.

In full honesty this was more for your entertainment, but having the males leave you alone was a major bonus.

One day you saw a tall male with large fennec fox like ears wander into town. He gathered supplies and stopped by the board, most likely because your commission was the talk of the town. His ears perked as he saw your picture on the commission,Like all the others, your beauty captivated him, and that was when he decided to take part.

A few weeks went by as you tricked the men of the city. But only one caught your eye. The green stripes in his hair mesmerized you, seemingly glowing in the darker areas of the underground market.

You saw him disabling traps that once were laid out for you. Seeing him do this made your heart melt. He seemed to really care for the condition the cat, well, you. He was rather kind, kind enough that he tried to feed you at times. Unlike the other men around, Tighnari, as you had learned was his name, was a sweet soul. As you observed him work and continue with his duties when he wasn't gaining your trust. You found he was both a forest ranger and a healer of sorts.

His smile was like a sweet treat. His voice smooth and calming to your ears. You knew he was the one when he kneeled down before you and gently pet you, not even going for the bell that laid on the collar.

You leaned into his hand, enjoying the attention of the sweet man. It was at this moment that you had made up your mind, you'd choose him.

The only problem? You only had to get him to take the bell. The challenge you once set for the men was now a challenge for you. He didn't even seem interested in the bell, only you.

Time and time again he seemingly didn't notice the bell. No matter how many times he stroked your soft fur, gentle fingers grazing the collar, he neve took the bell.

Growing mildly impatient you sook him out each time he returned to the city. As he was in the markets, you found him and sat beside him. Only moving to follow him around the area. You nipped your sharp teeth at his puffy pants to get his attention.

Your efforts only brought a smile to his face every time he gazed down at you.

;&───⇌• :🌷: •⇋───&;

After nearly a month of trying to get him to take the bell you grew impatient. Deciding he was the one and you were going to have him.

In your natural form you decided to approach him whilst he was in the city collecting supplies. If he wouldn't take the bell then you would just take him, simple as that.

But before you could even get in a word he turned from his trade and saw you. "Why hello there, you must be ____." His cheery tone took you by surprise. It was still so early, yet he seemed to have all the energy in the world.

"Yes, that's me. And you are Tighnari, correct?" You asked, if only to keep up a more formal appearance rather than admitting you had essentially stalked him while in cat form.

"Correct. Can I help you?" He asked, his sweet smile curling his lips. "Ah, yes." You replied, clearing your throat as you put your mind back on track. "I was um..."

God, how were you supposed to ask him out? Technically this was your first time meeting. Speaking with him only now seemed difficult.

His head tilted and his large ears flopped to the side as he looked to you expectantly. You cleared your throat once more. "Ahem, I was wondering if you would perchance go on a date with me?"

Your hands clasped behind your back as you looked to your feet bashfully. Hearing a snicker you looked up to him.

"I was wondering how long it would take for you to ask!" He chuckled, leaving you confused. Was he so confident in himself that he knew you would want him? Or was there something he knew and you didn't? Before you could say anything more than a soft "How?" He began to explain.

"Your scent, I knew you were that cat. Despite the form you take your scent remains the same." He states matter-of-factly. "O-oh..." You mumbled thinking you should have seen that coming.

"So is that a no?" You inquired sadly, feeling your hopes begin to fall. "Of course not! I would love to go on a date with you." He chirped. Heart soaring you looked up to him. "Really?!"

He responded with a nod before setting his hand on your head, giving it a gentle ruffle. "Of course, I'd love to." You grinned from ear to ear as he spoke his next words. "I'll pick you up tonight around 7, sound good?" Words falling short, you nodded happily.

"Alright then, I'll finish up here and see you tonight." He said as he waved you goodbye. You returned the gesture as you waved him off and returned to your home, preparing your best outfit for the night.

;&───⇌• :🌷: •⇋───&;

That's all for today, wrote this while in the psychward lmao.

Send in a request if you have any ideas for me to write!

Have a lovely day babes ❤️

[wiltkingart]

Do you have any advice on how 2 not overwork a drawing? Over-detailing my art (to the detriment of the final result) is a big weakness of mine, and ive been working on it lately, but simplifying my art is way harder than I thought itd be. I keep getting stuck in a mentality that less detail = less effort, even though all my struggling should prove that isnt true lol. & I almost always like my simpler drawings better, even though that makes me feel kinda lazy…as long as it’s fun tho, right? [1/2]

I’m asking here bc one of the things I adore about your work is how confident and striking your paintings feel. I really admire the way colors and shape language interact in your art…I always want to keep looking to see what I can find hidden in the details, but they don’t take away from the main focus of the image. How do you manage to strike that balance? [2/2] (sorry for the long question lol)

honestly this is still something i struggle with at times! but some things that have helped me are:

- identifying which parts i tend to overwork the most. for me thats faces so i have made it a conscious habit to render faces last. that way i can match my level of face rendering to the rest of the piece.

- working on all parts of the painting at once. some artists are able to work on a painting from section to section. this is not me, regardless of detail level. jumping around all over the place keeps me from focusing too hard on one section above others. i even take this one step further by working on 2+ paintings simultaneously but there is something wrong with me for this one i'll admit.

- staying zoomed out for as long i can. this goes in hand with the previous point but when you're zoomed out its easier to lay down the biggest/primary color blocks without the temptation to detail. once the main color blocks are nicely balanced its easier to pick out a few points of interest to add spots of detail to, and restrain myself to them. (easier said than done! but i try!)

- getting comfortable with backtracking / deleting overworked sections and layers. this might seem scary but this has saved my ass more times than you might think. i always save a version of my drawings before i merge everything / start rending so i can always copy over earlier sections if needed.

- cold turkey removing details from the equation for a while. i did this more from necessity than choice, because i was struggling with my health a few years back and had zero energy to sink into art for long hours. but looking on the bright side it helped me realize what details are/aren't necessary and how to build my features from big -> small. this progression of my patho art shows pretty well how i introduced details back into my work over time.

but yeah! sometimes i do still find myself creeping a little too close to overwork territory for comfort, even with all these safeguards in place. in that case i have to accept that not every piece i put out will be my 'best' and that perfection has no place in art. that's not the point of it!

simplifying forms isn't easy, the same way abstract art isn't lazy. but with all things it can be learned with enough practice. and if you decide at the end of it all that you still like drawing a lot details, it might be a matter of readjusting how / where you implement them. best of luck <3

[lucabyte]

ppl saying they look to my comics for inspiration and pointers on how to format things is WILDDDD to me (and delightful don't get me wrong!! i am overjoyed) because like. none of you are privvy to the absolute WAHHH I DONT WANNNAAA bitchfits i was *CONSISTANTLY* throwing every time i forced myself to make a comic before i got into isat. like no joke. i considered comics such a fucking difficult medium they always drained my drawing energy so hard because they always felt like they took sooo long and had so many moving parts and were so much harder than storyboards (WHICH I ALREADY STRUGGLED WITH) because you had to account for panel shape and speech bubbles and-- like you get it. but genuinely for real. the sheer amount that i complained whenever i clawed my way through drawing a comic (which thus! was not very fucking much!!) compounded by the fact that i *genuinely have trouble reading comics*. as in, i really struggle to parse the flow of contiguous movement or action between panels (possibly connected to the fact ive got mad aphantasia?) of even really well done best-of-the-best professional comics...

... BUT. basically. what im trying to get at is. if you wanna learn to draw comics, evidently you super can?! I genuinely *didnt* draw comics before drawing isat fanart! I have no idea what it was about ISAT fanart that made it finally click for me? (I think it was... not having to think about colour? Removing a step from the process really helped. Plus, it being fanwork meant I could just start en-medias-res and not have to think about setup... Trying to cram too much explanation and setup into my oc stuff was always a big hurdle too...)

I find them fast to do now! and damn if i dont value speed in art (<- impatient little fucker). its still going slowly on my oc comics.. mostly due to the colour again, i think. but it's not extremely, ecruciatingly difficult anymore. is what im saying. and im genuinely baffled by it every time i put pen to page. its fucked up. did you guys know that practice makes things easier? . fucking perverted if you ask me.

As for looking at other people's things for inspiration. if you want to know where I was looking when I was piecing together the first couple fancomics I did for ISAT i want to specifically point at . well besides everything rebecca sugar has ever done (for hands and facial expressions *especially*), the main person i really dug into the work of was Leo Fox (Website link). I feel like i wanna point people to the source of a lot of the inspiration for my more off-kilter panel choices so you all can get the full experience rather than through my regurgitated mimesis. I'm now at the point where i can wing panel layout so i wasn't in there for longgg but. everyone go add it to your knowledge banks as for SUBJECT MATTER aka why i am i so deranged. those are squarely the 2019 postcanon homestuck golden era bleeding through my CLENCHED BITTEN DOWN JAW. A BULL TERRIER ON YOUR BRACHIAL ARTERY. namely that @/floralmarsupial and @/tomatograter's works (no i am not tagging them . im shy) are things i go back to frequently and floralmarsupials pure black/white inktober comics were *especially* an inspiration. if you've been following me a few months you may remember me reblogging a bunch of their stuff from 2019~2021 for seemingly no reason. this was why. The narratively divorced reality of jade strider & Liminal Space are big in my mind here. I balk to call myself anywhere near as good as these but these are what i'm aiming for, tonally and quality-ways with it. also detective pony but ive mentioned that already and thats farrrr too inside baseball for this post.

BUT YEAH TL;DR: I DIDNT DRAW LIKE ANY COMICS UNTIL UHHHH LIKE, WHAT, LIKE 8 MONTHS AGO? JESUS. ANYWAY. THIS MEANS YOU 🫵🫵🫵 CAN DO IT TOO. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. DATTEBAYO!!!!

[musashi]

As a creative, how do you keep going? I see you making fanfics, videos, art, gifs, sitting down and learning something new just because you wanted to. I've always had such a hard time turning ideas into actual finished pieces. At first i thought it was fear of failing but I've been tackling that for years but the progress I've made its still not enough. I've tried doing it "just for fun", for personal growth, for money, as part of a community. Hell, I've tried out of spite. Please, how do keep creating?

that's a tough one because it really is about getting to the bottom of what is stopping you, and it sounds like you've done a lot of work on that with little results. thats gotta be frustrating!

i can tell you that for me, i feel fully fucking crazy when i do not create. this is not as much the case anymore, but when i was younger i felt like the ideas were trapped inside me and that holding them in was literally making me sick. i created because i had to or i felt physically bad.

i had a huge sprawling story in my head for YEARS tho and i had to get it out. and i wasn't. and back when i wasn't it was because i was depressed. depression for me feels like a lazy sunday that never ends, like i can't do anything, like i am locked in my own body and the only thing i have the energy to do is scroll social media for short-term dopamine.

but when i eventually decided ok, this is it, time to tell my story, what fixed me was seeing it like a job instead of a passion. for YEARS i had been fed this lie about "inspiration" and "motivation" and "writer's block" and now i am fully 100% of the belief that all of those concepts are bullshit lmao. i straightup do not believe in them any longer. i believe they are shields that creatives hide behind to absolve themselves of the guilt and frustration they feel when they are not creating.

in the end for me it just came down to this: once a week, it was time to write. no ifs ands or buts about it. at a set hour, on a set day, i would write for a set amount of time. and i could either make fucking hemingway or the worst collection of sentences known to man, but i HAD to write. i was not allowed to talk myself out of it. so that is what i did.

now, years later, looking back on all of my work--i could not tell you what i wrote when i felt "inspired" and what i wrote when i didn't. it all just looks the same to me, and most of it is pretty damn good.

i no longer write once a week. i write every day now. set times. set moments. sometimes alone. sometimes with friends. but every day, when it is time to write, no matter how i am feeling, i write.

currently i am also trying to get medicated for my ADHD so that focus doesn't feel so much like pulling teeth! that is also something i am excited to pursue more and see if it helps. but tl;dr my process is brute force and a schedule.

here is a little more i have said on the subject. i am sorry if it's not helpful, but maybe you will find something in my story that lines up with your own.

[facks-stories]

I doubt you guys want to read this long message,

Point is, I’m going to leave tumblr for longer, reasons under cut:

Reasons

1 - writing

Like I’ve said before, I like writing more then drawing, and I love you guys and all the art I make for you guys [love is pushing it for the art but let’s ignore for now]

But I asked someone for their opinion [if I should write more,ect, ect.] and they told me to do what I wanna, so I am, I’ll still draw but probably not as nearly as much, only for the characters sheets and art trade

I’m going to write a lot more, its better for my heath anyway [not sitting up for so long], the same format for anyone who doesn’t want to see my storys/the opposite, @weather-story for just writing, @facks-arts for just art, @facks-stories for text and art with context,

2 - heath

As you know, I’m built with fucking legos or something because my heath is so unstable and unreliable, so I have limited energy, I can’t spend much more of that energy making posts and drawing,

Hopefully this break can give me more of that energy back, I’ll also have more time to figure out what going on

3 - burn out?

I think I’m getting burn out, from something, so I might not have that much art, or even writings when I come back,

4 - mental health

As you guys know, my mental health is also built out of legos- its shit and every one knows it, especially because I lost someone I considered a best friend [starby is alright and alive, we just don’t talk anymore]

And especially it’s been bad because I found out something personal, I’ve just been a little rocky lately. So I don’t really feel like talking to people that much,

What can/will happen during the break?

-I’ll try and answer any dms I get, I still care about you guys so dm me if you need or want to talk

-Receive asks, the ask box will still be open, send asks while I’m gone, don’t, doesn’t matter

-answer in polls I’m tagged in, its just a poll

-make the weekly cotton posts

What won’t happen during the break:

-I won’t do picrew chains, 😔 as much as I love not being able to make myself I’ll do them after I come back

-answer asks, same with this^ I’ll do them when I get back,

-make posts [that isn’t weekly cotton]

-send asks [I’ll probably wrote them down if I have any

After break?

I’m going to write more, maybe I’ll repost some of the writings on this account but I doubt,

Basically go back to being normal but probably a lot more rants

Asks, picrew chains, and the character sheets will be done after I come back

Thats all from what I know, I’ll edit this if I need to, but this will be pinned until I get back

[sporesgalaxy]

since i dont want an entire "zim age debate" on your blog im keeping this off anon so you can answer this privately if you want

im ALSO not trying to "convince you" to change your interpretation of zim because thats stupid and completely defeats my entire point that its up in the air. thatd also be pretty mean of me!

but my main point is that i think different writers on the show have different ideas for how they see him, considering jhonen is not the sole opinion-haver there and his favorite thing to do is make shit up. like richard and andy((zim and dibs voice actors, respectively)) im pretty sure dont think hes an old man otherwise the puppet kiss incident or the "i love you zim" wouldnt have happened. ((not that i want this to be About shipping but thats a big example)) and then theres advertisements calling zim an "alien kid" or jhonen himself calling zim a child in the old pilot bible

i understand what you mean with tak the hideous new girl however thats also the episode where he tries to Date tak under the impression that shes a human child and id rather not see my funny greenboy as a predator. i just always thought that the 60 years joke was "haha isnt it funny that were using ridiculously long periods of time and theyre still children"

not to mention mopiness of doom where it shows that zim and dib are grossly codependent enemies and i just dont really want to imagine a 60+ year old man and a child depending on eachother like that,,,,,

theres more "evidence" but i think this ask has gone on long enough

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID!!!!! theres no definitive proof either way and i find that unless youre shipping or really want to dig into the child soldier angle((which i personally find interesting)) it doesnt really matter. again this isnt supposed to be a persuasive essay just like,, idek. i like discussing this show and the characters in it! theres story benefits to either interpretation of zim and i like your art either way

uhh,, cheers and also sorry i think!!

eh. I had to write so much to respond to all this, it seems wasteful not to post.

TL; DR

There is no way for me to 100% guarantee that zadr will be read the same way by everyone, because it won't be, as is the nature of all media. That is exactly why I don't think that everyone who interprets Zim as a child necessarily has ill or manipulative intentions.

But I can provide arguments like the following for why I think zadr and kids who ship it would be a likely target for groomers, and therefore why I feel it is a good idea to discourage this ship.

As I mentioned in the previous ask, I think that said discouragement should be approached with the mindset that not everyone involved is malicious or arguing in bad faith. It is necessary to determine how best to act depending on the situation.

Personally, I'm going to continue pointing out the problems I see with the ship as much as I can in hopes of changing peoples' minds, whenever I have the time and energy to do so.

re: the VAs: This does not refute my point about Zim being easily read as an adult bc of the 50 years comment/ many other contextual implications made by the show. If anything the vagueness about Zim's age because of his alien society could make this a more useful grooming tool. I feel the same way about Bill Cipher x Dipper. Bill has just as much childish adult coding and just as little certainty about his age within the context of his alien species.

•••

re: the pilot bible: the show changes lots of things from the pilot bible so this is no more reliable than any other "word of god" (input from creators of the show rather than material within the show) from Jhonen.

That said, I think the VAs were joking around and did not put much thought into it. Joking around by making characters act the opposite of normal (hating each other -> liking each other) is common.

That said, I think the unprovable nature of the intentions behind the VAs comments is a good argument for excluding word of god from the Zim age conversation entirely. I think that zadr is still Not Good and should be Discouraged even if you only look at the show with no additional outside input, for all the reasons I explained in the first ask and have added here.

re: advertisements calling Zim an alien kid: a bunch of characters in the show call him a kid because they are genuinely convinced he is one, so it doesnt surprise me that advertisement/bumper writers who arent really paying attention would call him that.

re: trying to date Tak: in that episode it is made VERY clear that Zim does not understand romance at all, and does not care to beyond what's necessary to blend in. He clearly does not genuinely want to date her and only wants to use it to seem more socially normal. The Keef episode established a precedent for how Zim treats human relationships he's unfamiliar with, and it's by doing the bare minimum and then ditching them immediately. It's not GOOD behavior by any stretch, but he isn't acting with genuine predatory intentions.

re: 60 years joke: yeah sure that is a joke the show might make. But the additional cultural context we have for Zim's life (that he has been a soldier for a long time + that he trained to become a soldier for a long time, as we see in The Trial) gives Tak being a janitor for 50 years more potential to be taken literally.

re: mopiness of doom: yeah honestly I just personally don't like that episode script. But also, as codependant as they are and as weird as that is, nothing about it is inherently romantic. My frenemies argument from the end of the original post still stands, as do all of my arguments about the ship being potentially useful for grooming because of the lack of clarity.

re: your conclusion: The fact that Irkens HAVE child soldiers IS interesting, yes, and we see in The Trial that Zim has been trained to be a soldier basically since birth, which is also interesting to consider for Zim's character.

However, I explained in the previous ask how I think reading Zim as a child during the current events of the show weakens some of the show's core themes about incompetent, unquestioning adults. I think the whole show just makes more sense if it is centered around a socially shunned child and socially shunned adult fighting against each other. The fact that Zim is old and still a loser further highlights how futile both his and Dib's aspirations to greatness are within their respective societies-- and they are CLEARLY meant to be seen as futile.

I cannot think of a theme or character arc that would be served by Zim's age being unclear, so I do not think it comes across as intentional, even if you rule out word of god. But still, even if nothing I've read into here was intentional, what matters is that it is lends itself to being interpreted as an adult/child ship, or being interpreted as an age gap that "doesnt count" for superficial reasons. And NO I am not claiming that there is any way to conclusively determine that a ship with an unclear age gap has crossed the line into potentially harmful territory. It HAS to be considered on a case-by-case basis. And you've made it clear that there are muddling factors to sift through for this one in particular!

But I feel very strongly that these muddling factors are more circumstantial than, less intuitive than, and ultimately outweighed by, the parts of the text which contextually place Zim as an adult, and will continue providing examples supporting this conclusionc whenever I am able to.

[krytus]

quinn what happened to the hot king

short answer: he died

long answer:

it is august of 2018 — no actually. our story begins in september of 2017. voltron: legendary defender is released by netflix to widespread acclaim. a community forms on tumblr, and then immediately shoots itself in the foot face and ass as horny people move to make suggestive content of this preteen space lion show. the community not only splits, but implodes and descends into rabid frenzy. in the year that follows, and as the quality of the source content declines, death threats and callouts and blacklists become not only ordinary, but daily. but, as einstein or some other guy said, matter and energy cannot be destroyed and this rabid energy of hundreds of annoying gay teenagers must be redirected — somewhere close, and quick.

enter me. one of them. not doing great in college. yes, academically i was excelling but socially isolated. lonely. i needed some distraction. netflix releases a teaser for an upcoming animated show. the look of it — dramatic set pieces, colorful magic use, armored knights — piques my interest. i haven't had any good medieval content since kalots's release in 2017. the teaser is short, provides only a taste of whats to come in the approaching season. some words, some characters.

one character specifically grabs my interest: the king. i look online, searching for a name to the beautiful face. i find none. not quite discouraged, but rather engaged, i decide he will be my favorite. the other characters are children, and this man is beautiful. i cannot resist the allure. i find like minded individuals. we are all love the unnamed dragon prince king. and this is where i must remind you of the reformed voltron gays. we'd been slighted. we'd been hurt. netflix cartoon had already broken our minds spirits and sanity once, but this was a different netflix cartoon, different animation studio, different creative team. in fact, it was the child show of the men who created avatar: the last airbender, which i had not watched, but which i know was beloved. i had faith. i had trust! surely, this unnamed king would be given grace and dimension! surely, they would not waste such a great design with shallow writing and a cold hard future in the fridge! <- this is what we in show business call foreshadowing.

days pass without a name for the king. not unexpected, netflix puts out only minimal effort in promoting a series. its usually up to whoever created it to hype it up. in this case, the offender is wonderstorm, who quickly realizes there is a large, jilted audience in their target demographic (teens and teens adjacent) itching for a new series to latch onto, like eels being given a pizza. they get to work, setting up both a twitter and tumblr account. here is their best work, and arguably the peak of the entirety of the dragon prince experience: the hype harvested by the dragonprinceofficial account before the release of the show.

see, they'd done their homework, learned from the blunder misstep and nuclear detonation of voltron's more than lacking, downright insulting pr team. dpo baited. dpo waited. they released bits and pieces. hints and riddles. they were tuned into the biggest memes of the moment. they capitalized. and i was not immune. at the time, it was fun. thats the first tragedy, i think. the pre-show era was actually fun, while the show itself became such a slog, a heavy weight on the experience when it should have been the reward it was promised to be. but, im getting ahead of myself. show release is still a few paragraphs out. we finally get a name for the face: king harrow. a frantic google search for the etymology of the word harrow leaves us worrying for this guy. the king, the father, associated with such a negative connotation.

nonetheless, we stan. edits and art and even some fics — mind you, we still only have the name and a brief teaser, nothing in the way of actual characterization — sprout. hype builds. the first episode is screened at a convention and i turned into fucking sherlock holmes finding posts and tidbits about it. about my beloved harrow. i am able to sleuth. the man has promise — a king who made a mistake so grave it'll send him to his. in this day and age we'd call him doomed by the narrative. its wonderful. im latched and hooked and pack bonded. and in this looking around, i find something else that's interesting: a character by the name of viren. someone we haven't seen, but who has an important dynamic with the king. im 👁👁 because the only thing better than a good character is a pair of them.

anticipation continues to build. the delirium only deepens. news about the show is promising, engagement with dpo is rewarding. golden age. the good old days. the official trailer comes out, and, to put it biblically, i go batshit. here, finally, more harrow. some viren! drama! call me a tick, call me a feral cat shown kindness because babey i form some unhealthy unbreakable unshakable bonds. i turn into wonderstorm's bitch. "the king is in danger" some promo material warns, but do i miss the red flags? baby, i miss the entire red dawn. my faith is will be rewarded. there is no doubt in my mind: harrow will be fine. he's a good father, great man. the power of love or friendship or some other adolescent bullshit will save him.

i have hope.

and then, right on time at 12:00am PST, Friday, September 9th, 2018, the series is released.

google, look up synonyms for disappointment. no, that's not fair. disappointment is too mild a term, too mild a feeling for the experience. it was brutal, gutting, a crucible of fire and blood that only made me worse. i stayed up until 4am, swallowing as much of the show as i could stomach. i didn't even finish that night. i could have, but i was feeling the effects of sleep deprivation and, much worse, the pain and embarrassment of being so completely and utterly wrong.

in the nine episodes of wonderstorm's the dragon prince season one, harrow is in three of them. technically, his lifeless corpse is in the fourth, but exists only to be desecrated and disrespected by his white friend.

harrow is a frustrating character — given the illusion of depth, but given little to do with it. he's more plot device than person, here to die to kick off the story, to launch character arcs, to be the big sad tragedy that everyone brings up every other episode. he becomes an abstraction, his death used as motive and purpose. he dies to showcase that this isnt your dad's animated series! suck our dick nickolodeon! see we have depth!

but, despite this, his death feels temporary. there is ambiguity, shadows, a fade to black that leaves us with a wink and promise. he dies, but we're told he dies, never shown final moments, never confirming it for ourselves. like yesterday's leftovers, he's shoved in the fridge.

to give a name to the tactic, i'd call it shrodinger's representation. its the writers putting a foot in two doors. we didnt kill the kind black father, they say, because he isn't dead! but at the same time, frustratingly, we're told there isnt a way to bring the dead back to life. viren rushes to cremate the body, and you think ah there is more afoot but there is nothing afoot. there is no mystery to solve. in the same breath that they ask us to look more into harrow's death, they also say, without question, that he is dead. he has to be dead for the story to work sorry ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ nevermind that several, MOST other characters cheat death. the writers ask, beg, and whine for you to pay no mind to these future instances. harrow is dead.

harrow dies less than sixty minutes into the saga, and my interest in the show hould have been taken out into a patch of quiet woods and killed as well, but it isnt. having nothing else do to, i engage in behavior that can only be described as Bitchless. which nets me two thousand followers and a callout post but hey. i have my fun in the month after the show is released. making gifs making theories getting into scraps in the tag. its a different kind of experience than before. i may have lost the rosy film, the romantic lens with which i viewed the show before it was released, but nothings so broken it cant be fixed. tdp would get another season, there was a plan, there was the chirpening theory, there was angst to write. viren was a weak, confusing character, but i could fix him. i could take out the interesting bits, polish them until they shined.

i was promised everything, and given nothing, but that didnt stop me. because im a dumbass.

months pass. s2 looms as a threat. i try to move onto other things but its only a few, short months before the new season is released. i go in knowing harrow is dead, but, unfortunately i also go in knowing there will be flashbacks with him.

even worse: flashbacks with him and his wife.

queen sarai. i must at this point remind you i am a lesbian so you see the kind of strain i was under. trapped between a beautiful man and his epic wife. i never stood a chance. and she was [unintelligible gibberish]. another of tdp's weak characters with some interesting attributes. her relationship with her husband was at points stupid, but they loved each other and Did I Mention I Was Lonely. throw viren into the mix and baby. unhealthy coping mechanisms thy name is quinn daggerons. it was at this point i divorced canon for the most part. i took these three characters, all the characterization that tickled my brain, and just went hog wild with aus. second golden age. sure, sarai was dead, harrow was dead, and viren was [unintelligible gibberish, sounds of violence] but that didnt matter. here on tumblr dot hell they were alive and well and i wrote a 20,000 word, four part au where they were the main characters of the series. next level brainrot. multidimensional brainrot, even. embarrassing.

anyways.

by the time season two's ending credits rolled, i had given up on the show. another season or four was something that was going to happen, but not happen to me. and mix in some Controversy: a fun little case of bury your gays, some elements that felt racially insensitive, white men showrunners behaving like white men and i was ✌️ checked out. i would keep these characters, thank you very much, but i would not say anything nice to the people who made them.

s3 unfortunately, eventually came out. more of the same. viren was.... doing Something. what? i didnt care. harrow was still dead. someone told me there were some flashbacks with him, again, and i was like good on luc roderique getting that netflix money. genuinely hope he has good luck with other projects, he was too good for this show.

but i sat my ass down and watched said flashbacks. they were alright. thanks for giving us harrow depressed about the death of his wife. im gonna hit you with my car aaron ehasz. viren's fun time war crimes happen. it sucks knowing the thing that will eventually get harrow killed wasn't even something he wanted to do. it was something he agreed to only after having his grief for his dead wife exploited by his white friend. i giffed my beloved man one last time. and blurred out viren because it was funny.

so, to answer your question, dear friend. what happened to the hot king? he lived, he served cunt, he died, and then his corpse was dragged around for the rest of the show.

[vorpalfae]

coffindollie copied your intro post

" copied this copied that "

i've gotten so many messages accusing ppl of "copying" me. or accusing me of "copying" others.

literally just let ppl do why makes them happy. if it looks similar to mine then who cares??? i think its cool that they like similar things as me. thats why i follow her. im not here to dictate what ppl can and can't like or can and can't post on their OWN blog. if it makes her happy then thats fine!!

idk if u genuinely were trying to warn me with good intentions or ur just trying to cause drama, but just know:

i do not care. i do not care what other ppl do online, i do not care what ppl do with their lives or how they choose to dress, portay themselves, etc. i do not care if they have a similar aesthetic or vibes as me. i LOVE meeting ppl who i have stuff in common with💜

i'm going to be 26 years old in a matter of days and i don't have the time, energy or desire to put others down or make them feel bad because they like my aesthetic or like the same aesthetic as me. its just childish. everyone takes inspiration from everyone. its very, very hard to find anything that is 100% unique and hasn't been done before. its 2023. what is the point of accusing ppl and being mean just because they like something that you also like? when u could literally just be friends with them and have a community where u can share ideas and bond over interests. i love @coffindollie and her blog. i love all her edits and her overall aesthetic. i love that we post a lot of the same stuff. i share her posts all the time because i like them.

just be nice to ppl. let them do what they want. the accusations and drama are so unnecessary and ugly and i don't want any part in it. i've had more than my fair share of having to deal with bullies and ppl just wanting to be cruel to others and i don't care about that shit anymore.

unless someone blatantly plagiarized my art, like my crochet, or my writing, or original artwork, then i don't care. and edits don't count as original artwork. because if we are being honest, 99% of the posts and edits ppl make on tumblr are NOT made with their own original photos and artwork. ppl post stuff from pinterest, google, deviant art, web archives, ebay, etc. and i like that. i love that tumblr allows ppl to share things they've found and give others the opportunity to make pretty edits or share them again on their own blogs. if i like something then i post it. nothing i post is with the intention of wanting to be like anybody else. it just means i genuinely LIKE that thing. and im almost positive that anybody doing something similar as me is doing it because they LIKE it. not to "copy" me.

thats just a weird, negative, and creepy way of thinking. ive seen plenty of stuff that looks almost identical to what ive done. and when i was younger and immature, it USED to bother me. but now i know its because i inspire ppl, or i may have introduced someone to something, or because i have good taste in a lot of things! its actually a compliment! if someone does the same thing you do its because what ur doing is obviously appealing to them in some way, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

trigger warning for this next part:

sorry for the rant, but im just so over it. im tired of ppl trying to start drama with ppl they don't even know. or trying to bring me into drama. i don't hate anybody or have issues with anyone. it makes me have so much anxiety when ppl are unnecessarily mean. i myself have been a victim of bullying to the point of harming myself or attempting suicide. its not okay. and i still don't understand why ppl are fine with making others feel bad about themselves.

im just here to post what interests me and what makes me happy. im not by any means a gatekeeper of my style or my interests. if u love the same stuff as me then lets be friends💜🖤 i would love to meet u and discuss our interests together 🥰

[oswednesday]

waa @proceduralbob tagged me! thank youu

name: wednesday

pronouns: they/them

where do you call home?: without the right to roam, in a planet with boards and states and nationalities, this is kind of a faulty concept, people ask this sort of thing to judge your worth, sometimes i poke fun at people for like what state or city they live in but know its kind of in a post-ironic or whatever sort of way, i live online! but i suppose the geographical answer is the usa equating that with home feels gross, home feels personal and all encompassing, doesnt it?

favorite animal: im like, rabbit themed, so there's that of course i love so many animals i feel like i have a fave per genre of animals, im really into jellyfish , my fave owl is great horned, i also love flamingos and giraffes and bats and cockatoos

cereal of choice: i only eat cereal as intended like two months out of the entire year max, i like applejacks (with banana slices) and cocoa bunnies from the annie's brand (with strawberries) (cereal feels really naked without fruit on it!)

visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: im pretty sure this is something that gets taught in schools in conservative states cause no one gives a fuck whether its junk science or not, i Prefer someone to show me how, then walk me through it and then ill do it a bunch with assistance until i get it, but thats often so taxing to be vulnerable with someone else and not everyone has the patience for me so maybe like visual/kinesthetic/auditory in that order maybe? maybe thats just self fanfiction

first pet: fish! like the first animal i was aware of like, the concept of a pet like we have a pet in the house were two box turtles but those were like, my parents pets, they did not take good care of them! the first pet i consciously was like i want to keep and take care of them were fishes

favorite scent: (oops i forgot to remove the previous answer and fill this in)i have a lot of scents i like but rn i think murphy's wood oil soap!

do you believe in astrology: i think there are three "categories" of astrology

there is the math; the history and the culture and the arts and how much it like is apart of human history like that's real and inseparable from understanding the world around us you cant be like well thats astronomy because its also people folk lore and mythology of their cultures and belief systems and that kind of math was not separate from each other, it was used and is used as aid to make complicated numbers more digestible, as a way to memorize and to pass along oral traditions, its also a form of a people's wealth, so thats real yes

then there's social/economics/psychology of it like time periods coincide with ups and downs of wealth in a place like historically and its also like how the seasons impact people, what food is available, what sicknesses are more easily transmittable during certain seasons, which impacts somewhat the way we interact with the world as early age roles are set in by family, society, so on, thats real

then there's my cringe fetus in the womb is an aries i can feel the energies, that shits fake, but that feeds back into like point two and this point isnt any different than the other awful ways parents can interact with their children about 'metaphysical' matters

so i suppose yes i do, like, in a social science and a traditional art sort of way

how many playlists do you have on your music service of choice: i have a lot i like to make playlists a lot, maybe ill share them with the internet more often

sharpies or highlighters: highlighters are cute! sharpies have more use though, highlighters might win simply for the cute factor

song that makes you cry: once the pokemon 2 movie starts its ON <-the tears, from the ost for some reason

song that makes you happy: i listen to a lot of vashti bunyan and haruomi hosono for that feeling, oh maybe im not answering these correctly, i know nobodies got me like still alive (portal 2007)

and finally, do you write/draw/create: i do all kinds of gay stuff

[first-mistake-forever-more]

ive noticed while yr output has slowed down a bit, more shamelessly "inspired" artists have cropped up on ig. im not someone who thinks styles just suddenly are made by one person, but its obvious tht this strain traces back to you. do you care about any of that or feel a pressure to 'claim' the style and not be left behind? or are you someone who just wants to do their best to focus on making what they want, and then leave others to eventually give credit if they want?

Ok finally replying to this one ive had this one on hold here for Like a yr bc my feelings on th matter change all th time but lately it's been a lot of acceptance a& Just like feeling good about it that anything i made was important enough to anyone to make something inspired on it be it blatantly or not im just happy to inspire people like that i still have silly feelings abt it sometimes bc i feel its so ridiculous that id make something so apparently inspiring and appealing for a specific pocket of people on the internet when i was just making art for myself but i guess thats always how it happens right and sometimes but not that often anymore i get angry feelings about it too. I think it's so stupid people way older than me, art students too, just curate what I make and process it into a repeatable format and get clout & sell merch off of this and get job opportunities and become more "popular" than me. I get angry. I get jealous. It's Ok. these feelings are valid and I don't try to repress them but deal w them

DMs w a friend Like oliver shout out @asphaltfchewinggum said :

I don't worry abt that falling off part anymore bc i don't feel i will ever be left behind because im always coming up w new stuff and novel ways of expressing my feelings and ppl still relate to it and get inspired by it a lot as long as i stay true iv only been going up as usual since then. I think i still have very unique things to say so I;ll just dedicate myself to saying them. I think every yr my art becomes more and more unique and apparently appealing but I can't ever say that second one for certain.it doesnt depend on me

☝️some shit from December i didnt finish bc im developing my new style now my new things to say & new truths. Exclusive Leak

an old Pinterest board somebody made inspired by me(didnt even send it to me, it was supposed to be this private curation thing ig) My output slowed down bc since 2021 my life has changed a lot and become a good bit more fulfilling by itsdelf without the need of art, I miss the energy ihad in 2020 of working all day everyday but at th same time this new ifestyle is very fun and iv felt more assured professionaly and emotionally so its all good. 2022 started college and this year im not going anymore ! i didnt Like it and realized it would stunt my growth so i stopped going. Last year I grew a lot las a person and took on new responsibilities and i think it was the beast year of my life .its moments &moments and i think 2023 im working very hard again hopefully bc i got a lot of shit in check.

me yesterday morning looking very ugly almost asleep w some food i went out & groggily bought for my girlfriend. I love her soooo much ... she gives me similar gratification making art gave me but she does it by just existing. Not having to prove anything. I'm happy. I think loving is a form of art. I'm not that good at it but i'm learning. Living is a form of art too. I guess what changed is my life stopped being all about myself

"im still here" and here i remain

[cypress-punk]

There are many reasons I find it hard to invest my time and energy into TTRPGs anymore. Chief among them is the fact I have much more limited time and energy these days and no longer have any chance of meeting in person with the people I like to play with regularly enough to make face to face games possible and often even scheduling online games is a nightmare that is difficult to sustain long term.

The other thing that killed it for me is the culture of TTRPGs online. On one hand you have the DND suffocated monoculture that is TTRPGs in most quarters where ad nauseum conversations about DND occur that make me feel like I'm going insane as people regurgitate the very specific things that only get said about dnd. Some of this is actually just passing down useful advice. Much more of it drek, pure noise without signal or meaning. In either case the repetition makes it untenable to me at this point.

The other hand is the part of the space that is not DND and is full of people who nonetheless talk a lot about DND and how much they don't like it. And while they are almost always right to say these things it does dishearten me that they basically say the same things again and again in cycles and those things are always about DND. I can only read so many posts about the inherent racism of DND or the myriad gaping flaws in its design before they just begin to repeat themselves and its stuff I've already seen and already know and already understand. Repetitive, and worse, focused solely on DND. The monoculture consumes the whole space no matter where in the space you try to be. It feels stifling and stagnant. There isn't really much talk of other systems besides an occasional designer highlighting their new game. Everything is muffled and obscured by the shadow DND casts. It annoys the shit out of me and further kills my joy for the medium.

There was a time when I was younger where I wasn't involved in these spaces very much at all, I just read a lot of TTRPGs and played them with my friends and that was nice. That was i. Highschool and college and as already mentioned I no longer have time to make playing regularly possible and i spend my time and money on other things so I dont read new games as often. So I've lost the connection to actual practice and experience that I enjoyed and have mostly replaced it with the social media space noise around the hobby and that is really killing any joy for the medium. I think I need to unplug from the social media side of things and just hear less about TTRPGs for my own sake since its a hobby I'm kind of already retreating from in favor of other hobbies that I actually have time for.

Its just hard to come to terms with that when I really loved and spent a lot of time in these spaces playing these games or at least reading and appreciating them as works of art and design. I love TTRPGs a lot, I just don't have the time for them i want to have and the kind of community engagement I can find on the social media sites I still use isn't the sort thats doing that love any favors. Its also just hard to come to that conclusion when "constant consumption" is the mode social media is built to program you for so the idea of just not hearing about a thing constantly and engaging with it constantly is alien to how you're trained to use these sites.

Also please don't read this and try to argue with me about what I've said. This is mostly a rambling attempt to put my thoughts somewhere other than my head and make sense of a personal problem I'm having with the medium.

[keefwho]

xenokhi Questions 2

Are there any artists that you like to keep updated with on their art or learn specifically from?

Only loosely. While I search tags/topics I'm interested in I will see work from the same few people and a few have stuck out but I don't tend to follow anyone and specifically keep up with them anymore.

Do you feel any urge to be more part of your local community and wish there were more oppurtunities to share your art?

I do, however I live in a valley with a population of 500, many of them off the grid people and their art tastes revolve around local wildlife and conservative themes. I think it could be fun to try and break into that anyways as an opportunity to get out of my usual subject matter if only I had the time and energy for yet another project.

Have you thought about doing public art or more community based projects? What about collaborations?

Since I don't have connections or a community, I tend to stick to myself. I've done small collaborations with friends in the past though and I've liked it. What I've learned is that it takes an acceptence of differences from all parties involved to collaborate on anything effectively and that is hard to find and maintain. Because of that it's not something I've found I can just jump into, it has to fall into place naturally.

How do you feel that your art impacts those that you do intereact with? Could you describe a normal interaction with your clients?

This is a tough question because in the past I've been known for my "unsavory" work. Most people I talk with including my friends didn't know I was an artist before meeting me so they got to warm up to what I did and were okay with it considering how normal of a person I was. As for clients, I keep things strictly professional and never choose to say more than I have to. I work with people who can have pretty extreme interests and while I respect that, I try to keep a reasonable distance. Most seem to understand this.

What barriers have you experienced in gaining exposure for your work as an independent artist?

I don't think the algorithm favors art like mine, I disagree with the idea of an algorithm completely because of how tailored it can get to people as if no one is able to make choices as to what they see anymore. In other spheres like that of VRchat, the infrastructure isn't there at ALL to support the discovery of new or interesting content. As a solo entity, there is not much I can do for myself it seems other than rely on people searching for specific tags.

How has social media influenced your approach to creating art? Do you feel pressured to follow certain trends or cater to popular themes?

I do not feel pressured but I do see the appeal. Trends seem to be a chance to get seen. It's like a big community event almost where if you participate, there is a decent likelyhood you will be seen by more people including those who might see something they like and stick around.

Have you observed any conflict between creating art for yourself and creating art that sells? How do you balance personal expression with market demands?

I have been conflicted about this. Generally I've found time to do both, however. Given the way I schedule, commission work has a specific amount of time I need to do it and after that I'm free to do my other stuff. I have suffered from the time commissions take out of my life though. I have a mountain of ideas and projects that can never be done thanks in part to having work to do that drains my creative battery.

Do you feel that there is a risk of “capitalizing” on certain artistic movements or themes? How does this affect your choices?

I see no risk unless you fear losing yourself. I see them as an opportunity to try something new and maybe even stay relevant in the long run if thats what you want. I'm thinking about 90s/2000s artists whose style/subject matter is still firmly rooted in those times which is cool in it's own way but experimenting with new themes could enhance that and make something very unique.

Have you encountered community pushback on any pieces you’ve displayed, and how did you handle it?

Like I mentioned before, I was known for unsavory content. I've never personally cared what people think of me or my work for a specific reason. My philosophy is that artistic expression should be free and limitless. I do not judge content I don't like, I simply do not partake. Likewise I expect the same for myself. I respectfully disagree with anyone who thinks otherwise. The good thing about the internet is that I do not have to engage in conflict if I really don't want to. So I don't.

I would also like to provide a space for just a general discussion at this point and ask where do you think I am going with all of this? I know it may seem like a super silly question and very open ended but I am curious how my vague request has impacted you.

You seem to be someone interested in knowing other people's perspectives regarding art, maybe to enhance yourself using knowledge from so many different sources? Maybe it's just a simple interest that makes you feel good. Either way I support people choosing to listen to other's opinions. I personally am trying to open myself to more social opporunities so that's why I responded to your post about interviews. It's nice to be heard and to admit to myself and others that I do know a little bit about something.

[letsaskthegalaxy]

oops using this as a personal venting blog again whoopsie doo

I am so scared of quitting the things I did last year

but whenever I think of doing robotics now I'm just so unengaged

Someone suited to this would be like "alright, time to build another robot!" but I just can't spark genuine enthusiasm into the prospect

I liked learning the skills (lathes, mills, calipers, ect...Very cool) but I would rather apply them to other things (making sports equipment, compact cases, cool everyday gadgets and crafts) instead of a robot

These things are unmistakably cool, and I appreciate the work that went into them, but I don't gush about them enough for the 8 hours a week (in addition to school and other activities) to feel like a good payoff instead of a drag at my time and energy

And thats what really sucks

I'm scared that my lack of enthusiasm for a project will inevitably create a chasm between these mentors who I still want to learn from and also seep into every aspect of my life

I spent all of last year shaping an active life for myself through sheer will, because it was what I needed to push through other life circumstances, but this year I'm scared to pick things back up again

And its not just the getting back into it (though I don't deny that might have some effect), because I was still going through the motions during the summer sessions that were meant to keep people engaged (but were more focused on shop skills)

Knowing that the next year of my life would be put towards a project everyone else is invested in as I'm just sorta there is disheartening

I'm trying to condense this, promise ToT

I'm not going to be a robotics specialist

Nor am I interested in making robots for automation, competition, or any purpose

I enjoyed this activity in the first place because through building a robot, I could learn about making things with my own two hands

I got the confidence to make my own shelf, something that used to feel too big to tackle (I even put it up by myself, something that was quite risky in retrospect but I'm still here so fate let me go that day ig)

I gave myself permission to think "I could make that," and I like to think that one day, I truly will

I let myself engage with the world under the identity of 'robotics member' and 'STEM girl(with a question mark because WHO KNOWS)' and sometimes it filled me with pride

But when I think about it in retrospect, it's not true to me

Okay, I spent the last 15, 20, 30 minutes writing this instead of my resignation letter to my mentors, which will probably skip the entire diatribe about my personal feelings on the matter and end up sounding a little callous as a result

I always do this aaaaaghhhhh

I very much pity any poor tumblr user who stumbles on this,, please take some free holy water to cleanse your eyes from teenage angst

though in most likelihood this will likely be me reading this over in like, 3 weeks - 3 years

Honestly, in retrospect, my best machining ideas were always related to the niche hobbies I had outside of robotics

and those weren't exactly welcomed, since the focus is so much on the actual robot (or side conversations that were targeted towards an old man (sorry but that's just the genuine audience for it) demographic that I polite engaged with n times) that I didn't feel as welcome trying those things out

I hope that should I ever have access to a shop again, I can pursue the projects that make me happy to engage in, especially now that I know how to

I'm really grateful they introduced me to CAD and laser printing, because I want to use those in my own art

and try some architecture stuff too (architecture as a concept, and a way to engage with humanity, scratches my brain very much, I should find some good tumblrs about it)

In short, thank you robotics, I wish you luck on your way!

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Depressive Episodes : Owning up to my emotions and allowing the waves of depression to push me through my toughest battles.

One thing about me, is that I never give up.

Im resilient, even when I don't believe it.

I've never allowed myself to fail, even when at times I knew I was falling. Its just... not in me to let go. I just gotta breathe, man. I can't see myself allowing the world to dig me into my own grave.

But that doesn't mean I havent thought about it.

Sometimes when I can't see the future, I go crazy and can't stop myself from having a manic depressive episode.

Other times, I can see the future, or the idea of it, and still go into a manic episode. So of course.. it doesn't matter when, what or where, when that wave of depression hits.. it starts to get me down to one of those spiraling series waiting to be channeled into something else.

So far, I've learned to creative outlets for my depression. Being honest, and escaping into worlds of creativity like painting, drawing, poetry.. Im still learning how to paint my emotions and make it seem more meaningful. But hey, anything to cure the depressive thoughts. I can't live like this anymore.

But the thing is, depression comes through waves and tries to leave its mark on society due to a painful reality we seem to suppress within. We can't lie to ourselves anymore, things are getting worse, and it seems as if it has no plans on getting better.

Or so they say...

I have a feeling that depression in our society has a LOT to do with our needs not being met, but ALSO because theres something negging at us to be seen. And its love.

We live in a cold reality, where most people pretend to be in their ego but not in their hearts. The warmth we are needing is in community, but there hasnt been too many spaces for community to fondle in. Depression sticks due to some of the food we eat, the shows and news we digest, the constant negativity that is plastered in front of us day in and day out. You know.. this can tire out a lost soul, and distract you from the primary mission. So to say that depression can be easy to fix, isn't the most practical way of thinking, at least not on my end.

Its taken me 5 years to really get to the nitty & gritty of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, fear.. etc... and I've come to the conclusion that this thing can be generational as well as something going on in the psyche and needs further analyzation in other to appreciate the whys and the why nots of depression so you can heal it clearer. In most cases, depression can find healing through the arts, but what if thats not your niche? What if theres something more you must succumb to and haven't figured it out?

One of the things I've learned is mathematics. Boy I hated math as a kid cause I 'sucked' and I kept failing, however as I've made it to adulthood, I realize I DO love math, just not the way it was taught. Over time, I've made time to study math and all its different layers, its like a universal code. It helped me remember some parts of my childhood that made it easier to appreciate it. I say this because it's been one thing that's lifted me up along side photography. On of the main things that lifted up my energies into higher vibrations and being able to relieve myself of any depressive wave that entered my energy. Anytime I do feel depression sometimes I sit with it, sometimes I go and find purpose.

Because depression is causing you to lack clarity, focus, drive and remembrance of your souls horizon. Your purpose. Your mission. What reason did you decide to come here, love?

So what I want you all to know is that when your feeling depressed, there is something in you that wants to be notified. Yes those emotions are deep and sometimes rather intense but the only way to get out of the mud is if you get to digging and remembering why you even started doing it in the first place. It's so you can get back to you.

So began to say good bye to your depression, your healing era awaits my love. Depression is only a wave of thunderstorms creating a destiny for you to see that rainbows are on the other side of that tired, daunting feeling.

[pheemuru]

I want to get a little personal for a sec

Below the cut I'm going to talk about my struggle with art, energy, time management, and trying to be an artist in the current social media climate while having a full time job in an unrelated field

In august 2023, i moved out of my parents home for the first time--I moved out of state and got a full time job. this is a good thing and a super positive life event for me! I'm now living with my partner of nearly 7 years and my best friend of 5.

However my relationship with art since before I even moved out... has been really rocky. My job now occupies my time for 6 hours a day 5 days a week. I work from 6:45 am - 10 am (im including travel time here because its still my time thats occupied by work...) and then I have a break until 2 pm. Then I work 2 - 6 pm, and depending on where I'm working at, I get home anywhere from 6-7 pm. I go to bed at 11 pm (This is a very big struggle mentally for me since my jobs schedule is very much opposite of how my body functions. I'm a night owl and not at all an early bird.) This is my monday thru friday.

By the time the weekend comes, I have other household chores to keep up with before I feel like I'm "allowed" to waste my time basically. I also use my time just... recovering for the next week. Every night I get home from work I take a couple edibles to wind down and relax, which is possibly the best part of my day when I finally get to turn my brain off from having to mask and wrangle 30 something kids throughout the day. (daycare aide moment)

How this relates to my art is that I really have zero drive to do any kind of art. I have no ideas. I see stuff online and think "wow I want to do that, I wish I thought of it". Creativity doesn't come naturally to me if it isn't the result of a college assignment or a commission. I struggle a LOT with concepting and sketching. I genuinely don't know how to doodle anymore either

In 2024 I want to focus a lot more on what's going to make me feel satisfied in a career, and so far the only option I have for that is making art my full time gig. However, anyone that is trying that or has tried that knows how difficult that is and how unrealistic it is to just be able to do that with no build up.

Here's where my struggle comes in; I have no fucking energy for anything anymore. I got diagnosed with adhd and autism last year, or just about last year. My job is insanely socially heavy (I'm around 30+ kids and have to manage them) so by the time that I get home, I just want to get stoned and watch movies. I don't want to create. I don't want to do anything. not even shit i like to do.

drawing has become so fucking hard for me. it takes me so goddamn long to finish a piece, I get overwhelmed by current trends, and it doesnt help that the fact of the matter is, social media has moved onto video formats. This means I will have to keep up with video trends to get any kind of eyes on my work. But how do you keep up with video trends when you don't even have any art to show to begin with, nonetheless ones that fit with the theme of the trends going around?

So now I need to make supplementary/filler recordings to fill out content if I want to be serious about my social media presence. On top of the fact I actually have to create art. On top of the fact that there's dishes in my sink every day and laundry that has to be done every week and groceries that have to be shopped for and a job that has to be attended to five days a week. I know 30 hours a week truly is not as much as others work to be full time but my god is it exhausting? All this shit on top of itself makes me feel like I regret moving out a little bit. Overall I don't, because I don't have to live with my parents and I can relax around my partner, but like. oh my god?

literally how does anyone live like this and not want to kill themselves. I had to get a zoloft script because i kept having mental breakdowns every sunday because I have to go back to fucking work and I never feel like I have enough time to do anything meaningful. by the time my brain is like, "ready" to work, its 9 pm and i have to get ready for bed in 2 hours.

I've contemplated getting my masters in teaching to be an art teacher, but I really wouldn't.. want to do that for the rest of my life? you don't really get days off if you need it, youre obligated to work outside of work hours just to get anything done, parents right now kind of suck, school admins also suck, curriculums are cutting art programs, and kids are also becoming so much more disengaged with art at younger ages.

with the state of everything I find it really hard not to just spiral into a depressive episode. I don't know what my future holds. Sure, I have my parents as a safety net now, but theyre approaching their 70s and arent going to be around for the majority of the rest of my life. what happens then? what happens when theyre gone and i have literally no other support beyond the little life i made for myself right now? i already feel like im not allowed to prioritize myself at the moment given my position in the household (full time consistent job that pays somewhat decent ((Decent being $16.75/hour lol)) for the area im in, im the one that can drive, im the one with the largest paycheck and most consistent hours). I can't really get days off at work if I wake up having a panic attack or even physical sickness. I'm supposed to just deal with it and clock in because we dont have enough people to cover last minute like that. And I'm someone with (honestly) debilitating stomach issues. I had to have an upper endoscopy and tests done which only yield so much if you don't follow up with an allergist, which I still have yet to do...

Currently I'm supposed to set up appointments for my dentist, an allergist, a cardiologist, and I need to contact my psych because my pharmacy told me my zoloft cant be refilled (second month on it btw lol).

so like. when the fuck am i supposed to have any kind of every to dedicate to a second part time job, my own fucking art business? the thing i want to be the most passionate about, i have no energy left for. I feel so wildly unsatisfied in my life right now because of this. I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot and I wish i didn't have to work at all. I wish I could just have my art be my full time thing, but I dont have the audience nor the social media prowess to make that happen so quickly.

I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. everyone keeps saying "take care of yourself" or "self care" but jesus christ how am i supposed to when i cant even just work 4 days a week consistently because for whatever reason I'm the only person at my job that can do what i do? how am i supposed to practice self care when that self care would mean i quit my fucking job lol. i'm at such a loss and i feel like im just letting the time pass by like grains of sand in an hourglass. being torn between wanting to die and wanting to push through is a fucking insane feeling. all we do in life is struggle until we die and I'm finding it harder and harder to get over that kind of mental hurdle. every time i drive i have to fight the genuine intrusive thoughts of yanking the steering wheel to put myself in a ditch with my car just to give myself a couple weeks of a break.

I'm tired. And there's nothing i can do about it. how long can one weather a storm before getting lost at sea