#I SPOKE TOO EARLY VAX JOINS THEM

[gay-dorito-dust]

How about 29. actions to make them happy for Vox Machina?

Keyleth took immense pride in her upkeep of her botanical greenery within the gardens of the keep and the potted vegetation on her window sill; she’d rise early in the morning to water them, moving the plants that needed the most light whilst keeping others in the more shaded areas of the room.

So when she awoke one morning to start watering her plants, the watering can she kept on the bedside table had been taken and before her thoughts could grow to harbour thoughts like ‘did I misplace it by accident?’ Or ‘did Scanlan have one too many and thought to use it as a toilet?’ The sound of your humming and the sprinkle of water from her watering can filled her ears.

Keyleth couldn’t restrain the tired smile that graced her face as she pulled herself out of bed, uncaring of her subsequent bedhead as she pulled open her widow and looked down to see you tending to her peonies, marigolds, daisies and Lily of the valley. “What’re you doing up so early?” She asked, curiously but the smile never left her freckled face.

“You looked a little out of it after the mission yesterday so I decided to take it up myself to take care of your flowers in your stead so that you may get some extra shut eye.” You told her as you sat the watering can down by your feet before your eyes widened in realisation before looking back up at Keyleth.

“Oh! In the kitchen I made you some food. I’m not great at cooking but I hope it’s to your liking, chuck it away if not, it won’t hurt my feelings in the slightest.” The more you talked the more Keyleth’s emerald green eyes glowed with love and affection at your kindness and selflessness to take up some of her tasks so that she recover as much energy as she could.

It may seem small to others but to the Druid, it meant everything and her heart couldn’t take how happy your actions made her day all the more better and it hadn’t even started.

Vax’ildan only ever had his sister for as long as he could remember. She was the only one whom he truly trusted wholeheartedly and he was content with that being his truth. He didn’t feel the need to hide whom he’d rather save in a heartbeat.

However he had yet to realises that his sister can’t be for him for every goings on in his life as Vex herself had her own life to navigate, she couldn’t keep holding his hand to guide him out of the dark that he got lost within every time either. So whenever he couldn’t find his twin, he would spend his time with the second closest person to him; you.

“Lost in your thoughts again, lil magpie?” You teased as you joined the rouge half-elf on the roof of the keep, seeing how his eyes were seemingly transfixed on the stars above. He scoffs halfheartedly at the nickname you’ve chosen for him. “Why’re you stilling calling me that? I thought we already discussed that I’m nothing like a magpie.”

“Yeah, you talked -well more like ranted- and I was relegated to the listening.” You retorted, shoving him by the shoulder, “and my reasoning for calling you that is because magipies are attracted to shiny, valuable things, they’ve got an eye for those things.” You look at Vax with soft eyes as you uttered your next words, “and so do you.” You broke eye contact with him and chose to look up at the stars instead.

“Look I don’t act like I know you and I don’t because your only showing what you want to show but some parts of me likes to think I do.” You chuckled, amused at your own delusion. “I know it’s stupid to think that but I’d really like to know the real Vax under this facade you’ve placed yourself in.” You spoke softly as you looked into his eyes again.

“It doesn’t matter how long I have to wait in order to see that side of you but I’m willing to wait for as long as you need me to. Try to push me away as much as you want, I don’t care because I’ll keep coming back.”

“Why?” Vax asked, unable to comprehend what you were saying, “why would you do that to yourself?” You shrugged, “your my friend and friend’s have each other’s backs even if the other doesn’t want it. You have my shoulder to cry on whenever you need to vent, cry, scream or just someone to talk to. I’m not that hard to find.” You told him and as you were about to leave him to his own devices, Vax reached out and grasped your hand, preventing you from taking another step.

“You’re not going to leave me out on my own in the cold are you? Besides I could use your company.” He said as he looked up at you with pleading eyes, squeezing your hand tightly like a lost child. “Of course buddy, of course.” You replied, squeezing his hand back as you sat yourself down by his side but neither one of you decided to let go of the others hand. Not just yet.

(Honestly didn’t know what to do for him so I thought, why not give him a friend whom he could open up to.)

Percy didn’t have the best track effort in looking after himself, seeing as he spent so much of his time in his workshop, tinkering, melding, wiring his newest invention together; completely devoid of any sort of awareness of the passage of time.

He frequently ignores his bodily needs and needs someone reminding him almost on an daily basis that he has to eat, hydrate and sleep if he wished to continue his little projects. In due to his bad habit, you took it upon yourself to be the designated person to go up to Percy’s workshop and drag him out by the ear to eat, drink, sleep or just to get a bit of fresh air.

You highly doubted being tucked away in that room with all his inventions certainly weren’t good for his lungs; especially when some of his mechanical works relied on highly reactive and or explosive substances such a gun powder to properly fulfil their function.

“Percy?” You knocked on the door, “just a minute.” Came his muffled reply, followed by some scuffling and before you could blink, the door opened to reveal the gunslinger. “You called?” Percy asked and from the smudge of soot across the brim of his nose, he was in the middle of some tinkering. Typical Percival behaviour.

“I just wanted to ask whether you’d wanna go on a walk with me through town you know? Just to get some fresh air and possibly to clear your mind?” You suggested, clearing your throat halfway through your words, as you now stood awaiting Percy’s answer. He seemed to contemplate on it for quite a bit, looking over his shoulder and back into the room then looking back at you before he sighed in definitive defeat.

“I guess I can accompany you as I have been in the midst of a struggle as of recently and I could sure use a change of scenery.” This was partially a lie, yes he was struggling with some aspects of his recent invention but overall he was just using that as an excuse to indulge you.

Percy wasn’t stupid, he knew what you were doing and for that he found you endearing. He knew his tendencies often caused him greater issues for future him to deal with but right now? a walk in town with you sounded like a great idea. He could even use this as an attempt to thank you for looking out for him, his bodily needs and mental health.

Percy truly didn’t know what he would do without you pestering him to take a break and eat but he’s sure a hell willing to make up for the hassle you put yourself through for him by making something truly as unique as you for he knew he was stubborn but he was happy that you hadn’t given up on him just yet.

Vex’ahlia as Vox Machina’s unspoken leader of sorts had put so much pressure on her aching shoulders. Nobody said being a leader was easy and she wasn’t saying it was easy either but still it didn’t make the cluster of thoughts within her head any more easier to navigate.

With some help from the rest of Vox Machina, you managed to get set up an archery range for Vex’ahlia to use whenever she felt pent up about anything in particular. You even enlisted the help of Trinket to lure her to the archery range as a surprise, also with the added fact that the half elf couldn’t stay as mad at Trinket for very long in comparison to how she’d get when the rest of you came across her at a very bad time.

“Why are we heading so far out trinket? Did you spot something?” You heard trinket grunt in response but you didn’t know whether it was an indication for you that they were here or a response to Vex’s question. It didn’t matter as you were already finished with the preparations by the time you visibly saw the bear and half elf.

“What’re you doing out here? Did something happen?” Vex asked once she saw you and all you did was move aside to show her the archery range you, Percy, Keyleth and Vax put up. “I’ve noticed that you’ve been a lot more pent up lately in, due to everything that has been happening so far, and decided that what’s a better way then to resolve that pent up anger then by shooting some targets as therapy.” You answered back honestly, watching on with bated breath at Vex’ahlia observed the archery with a observant eye.

“This is all for me?” She asked, already knowing the answer but the fact that someone did this for her benefit felt foreign to her. Needless to say she was skeptical but that didn’t meant she was going to look a gift in the eye. “Who else in vox machina is skilled enough to use a bow and arrow if not yourself?” You rhetorically asked as the edges of a smile appeared on the half-elf’s lips but quickly disappeared soon after.

“You didn’t have to go this far.” Vex told you, “but I thank you for having me in mind when coming up with this. I appreciate it.”

Pike was often left exhausted after combat but even more so after having to do double duty as one of Vox Machina’s pivotal healer besides Keyleth. So when she came over to finally heal your wounds, you immediately noticed the fatigue upon her face and immediately began to decline her aid.

“You’re hurt aren’t you?” She asked you, confused, her eyes locked on the wounds littering your skin. “Let me heal you and be done with it before they get worse.” You took a step back when she attempted to get closer to you again, causing the cleric to grunt. “What the hells wrong now?”

“I just don’t want you pushing yourself into healing me, your obviously exhausted from healing the others and besides from the lessons I’ve been taking from Kiki, I’ve managed to nail down some basic healing spells. The rest of my wounds will just have to heal the regular way.” You explained and just as you saw her face turn into one of dishearten, you immediately reached out to touch her shoulder.

“It’s not like I don’t want your help Pike, it’s just. I figured that we’ve come to expect so much of you that we haven’t seen the stress you’ve been under in order to continue meeting our standards when you shouldn’t.” You smiled softly at her as you continued. “So please if not for me then for yourself, take a fucking break. You deserve it more then anyone and if anyone needs you I’ll tell them to wait until you better rested.”

“Are you sure you don’t need me to heal anything-“ “Pike!” “Fine, I’m going I’m going!” She exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air as she walked back to her room to replenish her magic.

(I didn’t know what to do for her either but I thought that she’d needed a break from her constant overexertion of her magic. She needs a definitive break.)

Scanlan groaned as he opened his eyes to you letting in the golden light of the morning, shielding his eyes by burying himself deeper into his bed. “What the fuck happened last night.” He whined out to no one in particular.

You set down a glass of water along with a bacon and egg sandwich to help him with his predicament that you seemed to be responsible for resolving periodically that it had just became routine at this point. “Where do I start? You thought that I wanted to sleep with you-“

“Did you?”

“-no, stop interrupting. Now where was I? Oh yeah! You then proceeded to puke on an unsuspecting tavern patron and I had to haul out asses back to the keep, which leads us up to the here and now.” You finished explaining.

“Oh.”

“Yeah oh. Now eat up, we’ve got things to do today and-“ “thank you.” You looked over at Scanlan who was already halfway through his bacon and egg sand which and looking a lot better then he did a couple of seconds ago. “Whatever for?” You asked, “all I did was make sure you were in the right state of mind for the day ahead.”

“That’s exactly what I want to thank you for.” Scanlan said, “you didn’t have to do this but you do. Everything and I think it’s about time I speak my thanks to you. It’s nice to be cared for once in a while.” Neither of you said anything for a while but soon enough one of you had to speak. “It’s nothing to thank me for Scanlan, what’re friends for?” You told him softly as you left his room.

Unaware of the small smile on his face as he looked down at your bacon and egg sandwich that you’ve prepped for him. “Yeah…what’re friends for.” He uttered softly to himself as he continued to eat the rest of his sandwich.

Grog’s beard belt had been damaged in battle which upset the Goliath who had been grumpy for the remainder of the day, rubbing his fingers against his bare chin muttering, “naked, I feel naked.”

So in order to cheer him up, you took the belt to Percy in hopes that he could in the very least repair it and thankfully he could but voiced his disparity about the whole magic beard aspect of the belt; Saying that he wasn’t certain that even after he fixed it that Grog would never retain his beard ever again as magic wasn’t his field of expertise.

“We’ll have to take the risk.” Was all you told him in response.

Once the belt was properly fixed, you quickly rushed to place it back into Grog’s room before anyone could spot you of suspicious behaviour and the next morning, everyone was awoken by the Goliath’s bellows of. “MY BEARD IS BACK, MY BEARD IS BACK!”

[coffee-colored-hopeless-romantic]

A Flirt and a Hero?

This is my first fanfic on here and it’s been AWHILE so be gentle with me and let me know if you want more!

Slight warning!: hint of violence and gross intoxicated men flirting.

——————————————————

You were on your first month or so working at this tavern/inn and it was the busiest time of week, thankfully it was still early and the rush hadn’t come yet. You had gotten used to the brash comments and drunkards of the nightly crowd, getting to know a bit of the regulars and hearing the tales of adventures near and far, though half the time you know most of the stories are a bit stretched to say the least. Although it paid fine and the tips are typically pretty good, given you were a fairly attractive elven woman, it wasn’t too hard to flirt your way into making a few extra coins. Plus you enjoyed a good flirt once and awhile.

As the night was picking up and the crowd was flowing it slowly but surely you saw some familiar faces, some you like and some you frankly wish they’d lose a bar fight and never come back but what can you do, just smile, get the ladies out a bit and work your magic, just another night.

You were bringing out an order along with another barmaid that worked there, cute curvy tiefling girl named Scarlett who had been working there forever apparently. Walking over to her table she took lead and was doing most of the talking, being respectful to her getting her tips you remained on the quieter side of things and spoke when you had to, dropping off the drinks, it was a loud group that you had seen fairly often, Vox Machina is what they called themselves, you yourself hadn’t heard of the group but a few coworkers sure did.

The small male Gnome was flirting up a storm to Scarlett, not that you could blame him, some of the stuff he said was…creative to put it nicely. Though there was a certain half elf man that caught your eye and luckily you had his drink.

“And this is for you handsome.” You said as you sat his ale down on the table, he turned his head to you and gave a smirk followed with a light chuckle “well well if I knew the service would be so charming I would’ve dressed better.” He returned your energy, you knew were going going to have some fun flirting with this one if he keeps it up. “I bet you say that to all the barmaids” you teased as you playfully pouted and walked away from the table with Scarlett. You felt his lingering gaze upon your back and you couldn’t help but have a slight grin on your face.

As you continued to make rounds, refilling tankards and bringing over food you caught the waving of a hand, your eyes followed the arm and saw that same half elf man dressed in black, although he was at a different, smaller table and his friends were scattered about the tavern. You sauntered over towards him with a sweet smile. “Need something?” You ask as you hold the currently empty tray in front of you, flat against your body. “Yes indeed, I need your name, love.” He stated as he leaned onto the table he was sitting at, resting his chin on one hand, the other gesturing for you to join him. You get closer to the end of the table but don’t sit down, you might get in trouble for that given it’s gotten so busy. “My name? How can you ask me that when I don’t know who you are?” You tap his nose with your finger to further the flirtation and he takes your hand gently before you can pull it away and placed his lips on the back of your hand, giving it a kiss. “The name is Vax, now it’s your turn beautiful.” He gave you a wink afterwards.

Even you, who’s heard every line, every flirt and then some felt your cheeks become slightly warmer than before, he was good and he knew it. “Well if you’re gonna kiss me more to get my name, maybe I won’t tell you!” You playfully pulled your hand back and rushed off, gotta leave them wanting more right? Even though you were the one wanting a bit more this time. He, unbeknownst to you, swiftly followed you back to the bar and was sitting down when you turned back to head back out to deliver yet another ale. You stopped, a bit surprised he was so quick to follow.

“Now, aren’t you a naughty one.” He chuckled out as he scanned you from head to toe and back up. Your uniform tight against your body and corset bringing out your curves. “Wait right here and I’ll tell you anything you want.” You say as you pass him, speaking softer so only he would hear. Your free hand brushing some hair as you do so. You deliver the ale to the table and one of the very drunk men grabbed you a little more aggressively than you’d like. “Oh- was there something else you needed?” You asked, trying to pry away from his grasp slightly, it was no use. He pulled you onto his lap and was trying to convince you to come with him for the night.

“C’mon little lady! A pretty thing like you should have fun with someone like me, let me show you a good time!!” He was slurring his words and barely keeping direct eye contact despite you being literally on his lap, you hop up and push away saying “No! Now let go of me!” He had said some less than respectful things to not only you but every waitress in here so he lost the whole ‘politely decline’ privileges. As per usual this didn’t sit well with him or his other wasted buddies at the table. You were backing away as they advanced and soon you felt an arm snake around your waist and pulled you away, as you looked you saw a familiar black garb and saw Vax. “Now I believe this lady and many others have said ‘No’ and I best believe your respect that before you get your ass beaten.”

The men in front of you both laughed. “And what are you gonna do pretty boy?! Hit me?” Vax, who was calm as still water laughed himself a bit and shook his head “Oh no no, you’re mistaken, I can’t be bothered with that, but he will.” He pointed.. above him? Oh right! He has a Goliath friend! From what you saw he was the cheerful one other that the Druid girl, but when you saw him now he looked battle ready, even without a weapon in hand. He threw his fist into his other hand and had a bloodthirsty grin. “Best we go now, love” Vax spoke softly to you as he weaved you both through the crowed just in time for the brawl to break out. You blinked as you watched the main hall get absolutely destroyed by not only the man and Goliath but everyone else who started fighting elsewhere in here.

You looked up at him as he let you go, his hand resting on his hip paired with his grin. “A flirt and a hero I see, what a combo.” You smile and close the distance a bit, your chest touching his. “My name is Y/n, it’s nice to meet you Vax.” His grin grew bigger as you got close. “Trust me, the pleasure is mine. Wanna get out of this place?” You weren’t sure if he meant to have some ‘fun’ or to just flirt more but either way you were game.

[beautyswhereyoufindit]

I didn't know "Scanlan gets pegged by Pike confirmed" is what I needed from the VMxM9 one-shot, but I'm glad it happened.

[blakelywintersfield]

what do you think about cancel culture?

So it took me a while to answer this ask ‘cause I have... a lot to say about the subject.

There’s a lot to unpack when it comes to cancel culture. Its roots I like to believe are well intended -- a means to alert vulnerable groups about individuals that have a history of hurting them. But people have taken it... way too far.

I think it’s important to hold people accountable for their actions. There’s a lot of people who get away with horrible things, simply because they produce likeable material (makeup, music, movies, entertainment, etc.). People like Jeffree Star, PewDiePie, and Kat Von D have gotten away with their horrific treatment of others for years because people enjoy their content -- and two out of three of them still are wildly successful. What pushes people over the limit? Often times it’s a matter of what white people take major issue in. In Kat’s case, being anti-vax. Is being anti-vax bad? Hell yeah it is. As someone who’s immuno-compromised it literally could lead to an early, painful, slow death for me. And don’t get me wrong, I wanna die, but not from something that takes months of suffering. But people blatantly ignored her other awful acts -- such as her antisemitic actions (telling her former boss to “burn in hell jewbag” (sic) in the form of writing on a photo she left for him and drawing a Nazi symbol on it), complacency in victim blaming (her neo-Nazi husband blames his daughter’s rape on his daughter), denying and viciously responding to criticisms about her pedophilic makeup names (”Underage Red”, “Lolita”, second not in reference to the Japanese style but the book), and actively killing her pets (she killed one cat by leaving a house full of burning candles -- cat knocked down the candles, house went up in flames, cat died; she also was found forcing a vegan diet onto her cats -- I’m unsure if this has continued but I believe one of her cats died from it). All of these are huge reasons to “cancel” her -- to boycott her products. But people didn’t actively hate her until she came out as anti-vax, something that effects the majority. And that’s part of the issue with cancel culture: people pick and choose what’s acceptable depending on how badly it effects them personally.

Let’s focus on the other two mentioned: Jeffree and Felix. Jeffree has a very, very, veryyyyy long past of being a racist piece of shit. Not even lowkey ignorant white person racist (i.e. ”I didn’t know making fun of AAE and viewing dreadlocks as trashy was racist”). I’m talking straight up using the n-slur, with the hard -er too, towards a black woman. And this was recent, too. There just haven’t been any physical references beforehand, only personal accounts. But people have defended him -- and still defend him -- on these actions, because he apologized. But then he’ll do it again a month later. And there’ll be definitive proof of it. He’ll keep doing it over, and over, and over again. And people will continue to excuse him because he keeps apologizing! That’s not how apologies work! As someone who’s been abused, apologies mean nothing if you don’t actively work on fixing what you’re apologizing for!! My abusers would apologize and then do the exact same thing again so many times that I lost count long ago! And of course, Shane Dawson hasn’t helped because he’s head over heels for the guy, so he’s been using his popularity to try and clear his name -- which is ironic, considering he’s been under fire for being racist in the past too. The only difference is he actually cleaned his act up, until now, of course. Because now, instead of creating racist content himself, he’s defending a chronically racist shitbag. And people continue to defend him, because his shitty actions effects mainly black women -- a minority in comparison to the amount of white people in the states. Jeffree continues to be wildly successful because his problematic behavior only effects a minority, and that’s... not okay.

Felix has a very similar history to Jeffree, but with antisemitism, and in my opinion he’s even worse because he’ll apologize then do something nice like donate to a charity. And that would be fantastic if he wouldn’t continue to do antisemitic things like actively support white supremacists. People continue to defend him because he does charitable things, but I constantly remind people that abusive people aren’t abusive 24/7 -- that’s literally how they get away with abuse. They abuse, then take you out for a fancy date, kiss you gently and tell you how beautiful you are. Then they do something abusive. It’s an endless cycle. And that’s honestly what Felix does. Apologize, do something really fucking nice, and then repeat his shitty action. And he has other extremely influential people defend him -- it’s why I had to stop following JackSepticEye and Markiplier. They continuously vouched for him. They continuously defended him. And they did it in the form of saying “he’s a really good person, I know him personally, he’s really fucking sweet and nice”. That’s what people say about the partner of someone really close to me! Their friends defend them all the time, but they’ve never seen how they treat my friend. They don’t know about how they are in a relationship. And that’s all we ever hear about abusers. No one wants to accept that their longtime friend is shitty. But Mark and Sean contribute to the toxic ideology of “defend your friends to the end”. And it disenfranchises those effected because 1) they’re not Jewish, they have absolutely no say in the matter, and 2) they’re abusing their popularity to keep their friend from being properly criticized. I don’t think either of them are shitty people, per se, but they’re being extremely toxic by not letting their friend see that they’re a repeat offender and need to either work on their shit or face the music. Mark and Sean both have the power to make Felix change if they just give him the ultimatum of “us or this”.

But I digress. The main issue highlighted here is that people who actually do bad things and continue to do bad things aren’t being held accountable because people don’t care to acknowledge what doesn’t directly effect them. This is the first main issue with cancel culture.

Let’s focus on another man under scrutiny: John Lennon. Now, let me put out there for disclaimer purposes that this man is far from perfect and has problematic parts to him as well. He’s done some shitty things. But cancel culture looooooooves to dig at this man. To put it crudely, they really enjoy beating this dead... man. And mainly over one really bad thing he did, which was hit his wife. However, people love to 1) over-exaggerate it, and 2) completely ignore how he handled the aftermath. Cancel culture often refers to him as a “wife beater”, as though this were a chronic habit or that he severely brutalized his wife. But they conveniently ignore that he apologized, both to her and publicly, taught himself about domestic abuse and spoke up for women’s rights, and even wrote multiple songs about how he fucked up and he shouldn’t be excuse for what he did. And, most importantly, his wife forgave him. The victim in this situation forgave him, and people still dig into this one thing and use it as their reason to hate him and his band to this day. Genuine criticism of him and what he’s done have gone to the wayside because of this one fact with no context, and it’s a huge phenomena because people, for whatever reason, love to hate popular things. Like I said, he’s done shitty things! He wasn’t perfect! But to use one issue that was literally resolved to hate him is just a lazy excuse to hate what’s popular, and that comes to our second issue with cancel culture: people want to hate what’s popular and will go to any lengths to excuse their hatred, even if issues that have been resolved.

The last main issue I have is that cancel culture is often set up in very black and white terms. Person does bad thing, they’re bad, end of discussion. But that’s... not how life works. Not at all. I know religion isn’t universal, especially Christianity, but there’s one point in Christianity that is universal: humans are flawed. No human being to have ever existed is perfect. And with the rise of technology and social media, a lot of mistakes have a permanent proof out there. Be it through tweets, tumblr or Facebook posts, Instagram or Snapchat stories, whatever it is, there is proof. And people like to take it way too far.

For example... well, I’ll use myself. There’s good things to not being tumblr famous, and I’m blessed with that, because I used to be a major shithead. Well. Okay, I still am, but I was bigoted, uninformed, and had a lot of internalized issues. For anyone that doesn’t know, I was raised in a conservative Christian household where my father was Southern Baptist and my mother had been raised Catholic (her personal religious views are much more lax though, thankfully). Both came from small towns in Illinois and Missouri respectively, and their parents, the same. I was aggressively homophobic and transphobic (ironic, eh?), covertly racist and sexist, and just overall a really shitty person. And while I didn’t join tumblr until after I’d finally started to grow, a lot of people on here are younger -- some even lying about their age and joining before they’re 13. And like me, many of these kids are in close-minded households. And for the longest time I refused to listen to other people because of the good ol’ backfire effect, but once I began to accept I was wrong, I learned. Of course I still have learning to do -- I always do. I always will. And that’s okay. But if I were 12 year old me on tumblr today, I would, well. I would’ve probably killed myself by now, because of all the bullying and hate for being a shithead child. A shithead, yes. But a child. Someone that’s going to be ignorant to a lot of things because they haven’t been alive for as long. And not everyone has informed parents that make it a point to teach them. Adults are a little harder to forgive, I’ll admit, but children have a lot more potential to learn and grow, and we often treat them just like adults.

The final issue with cancel culture is that it gives no room for improvement and no assumption of someone’s innocence. While it hurts to be on the victim end, we as a whole are obligated to correct the issue. I personally would like it to be those not effected doing that (i.e. someone making a transphobic comment having other cis people explain why it’s transphobic and isn’t okay), but regardless, we need to assume innocent until guilty with these kinds of things. It’s not easy, sure, but if I had been on tumblr while I was a shitty kid parroting my dad’s awful world views, cancel culture would’ve labeled me a piece of shit with no chance of redemption, and if I didn’t kill myself there’s no fucking way in hell I would’ve learned, because that kind of treatment would’ve stuck with me and made it harder for me to listen to the other side’s reasoning, even if they were right. We need to approach people in a manner of calm education, instead of ready to kill. In no way am I saying this is an easy thing to do, but unless they’ve refused to open themselves up in any way whatsoever, immediately chalking someone up as a lost cause is just... counter-productive. We have to acknowledge that people are flawed, and can learn and grow. We need to give people space to improve. It’s not all or nothing.

All in all, cancel culture has a good base, but its execution has become irrational and a means to justify hating those that really don’t deserve it, while turning a blind eye to those that actually are problematic. There’s a lot to be improved on.

[otdderamin]

Fiction: Pandemonium, CR C1 Ep115

CONTENT WARNING: Mental health crisis

SPOILERS: End of Campaign 1

I've been thinking about this since the end of campaign 1. There were an awful lot of lose threads for Percy's mental health between the last scenes of the campaign and the epilogue. Descriptions of Pandemonium sounded like a terrible place to put someone in Percy's state. I am going off my existing theory about Percy's mental health.

Story

Vex and Percy camped in the woods the night Vax died. The day Sylas got away, and she'd helped kill Cassandra, and they'd battled Vecna the ascended, and he'd tried to fight The Raven Queen. They got drunk and cried themselves exhausted. She fell asleep being held by him. She woke up alone in the hours between late and early.

Hers was the panic of finding him, the day before, alone on the steps on the verge of throwing his life away for a shot at hurting Death. She found him sitting outside in the damp cold. He said he couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake her. He'd been sleeping badly since they’d found the Briarwoods alive. She managed to coax him back in the tent. She tried not to mind how fitfully he slept.

They slept late. It wasn't the respite they were hoping for, and they packed up their gear disheartened. They had to go back to the grim reality of everyday life eventually.

Instead, they found Keyleth waiting anxiously by their door. She told them Grog had pulled a card and gone catatonic in the night. Pike, JB, and Scanlan were researching what had happened. Vex took Percy's hand. He was staring off at nothing looking crushed. She said she'd join the research. Percy said he had to resupply in the workshop. There was a note of panic in his voice. He brushed off their concern. He was fine. He had to be.

He looked exhausted at dinner in the castle. He'd already been drinking. He picked at his food and ate little. He was quiet while they talked about their findings. All of them were drinking heavily that evening. Two missing seats haunted the room. Percy passed out at the table, never making it to bed.

Vex found him in the workshop early the next morning, hard at work. She brought him a mug of coffee. He hadn’t changed and looked disheveled. His energy was off, frenetic but dragging. He'd been hit hard by the last few days and it was showing. He didn't leave the workshop all day.

At dinner they reported they knew what had happened to Grog and where he was. Tomorrow they'd figure out how to get there. Percy tried to be cheered by that glimmer of hope. His appetite was better.

He broke down crying in their room. Even if they got Grog back, he'd lost so many people. Cassandra's death was eating at him. She gently joked they were even now. He laughed grimly, but it turned back to tears. Everyone was at risk because of them. She held him and said, "We’ll save them, then. We’ll build better defenses and wards." But he was right to worry, and she knew it. It hung between them. She cried for her own losses and he tried feebly to console her. He finally fell into an uneasy sleep, overwhelmed by exhaustion, and woke late.

They made a plan the next day. They briefed everyone for what was known about Pandemonium, then split to prepare. Percy packed all four hip flasks and two bottles of whiskey. He rebraided Vex's hair tightly, and added the black feather left on their windowsill. They saw a similar feather newly tied to Keyleth's antlers, taken as a sign from Vax. Cassandra saw them off from the castle foyer, looking worried.

 Pandemonium was more intense than they imagined. The yawning caverns were pitch black. Even with their lights they could barely make out the far side. The bewildering gravity pulled to the walls instead of towards one ground. Winds howled through the tunnels. They had to yell even over the earpieces.

They located the Styx and followed it for a while. Vex found flying low, while tricky, was less disorienting than walking. The gnomes rode Keyleth as a bronze dragon while Percy and Vex rode the broom. He lost his lunch after they went through a corkscrew of weird gravity. When they stopped to orient themselves, he chased a long drink of water with his flask. He struggled with the roar. He picked at his food. He slept badly, waking up twice from nightmares, screaming.

Day two was nearly a repeat of the first, but longer and more grueling. They fought a group of bugbears whose souls were locked there. He floundered in the battle. His aim was off. Animus jammed three times before breaking. He took hard hits from the psychic damage. The crack of Bad News was magnified in the caverns. His ears rang so badly, he could barely hear them. The healing spells helped, but not completely. He was moody and out of it by the time they stopped. He slunk off to the workshop to fix his gun. He ate little with great effort. He turned in early but tossed and turned anxiously before slinking off to read.

Keyleth found him in the library early in the morning, hunched in a chair spaced out. His eyes were red, and there were tear streaks on his face. Half the whiskey bottle was gone. She asked if he was alright and needed to talk. He said he'd be fine. They just had to get through this. He sounded distant. He tried to be subtle about adding whiskey to his coffee at breakfast. Vex and Pike caught it, and shared a glance, but said nothing. He looked tired but moved with an inattentive, hasty energy. She helped him fix the buttoning on his vest. Pike kept up on the healing spells.

Two more days passed as they tried to pick their way through the caverns. The constant gale was getting to all of them. Scanlan’s singing and verbal spells barely carried. Percy seemed more affected than the rest. He was badly stressed, distracted, making mistakes, and taking stupid risks. When he broke his silence, he was rushed and rambley. His jokes were cutting and harsh. The punchline was still being alive.

He did his best to force himself to eat. He seemed more and more fey. He held Vex when she broke down crying for her brother. He stroked her hair, but all he found to say was, "I'm so sorry." He didn't cry with her. He sounded numb and hazy.

They were getting close on the sixth day. The tunnel became narrow. The weird gravity made it too hard to fly. Vex took the lead as their best scout. When the terrain ahead got treacherous, they stopped for lunch. Vex watched Percy stop short, look around confused, and sit where he was with his elbows on his knees, apart from the others.

She knelt beside him and asked, "Darling, can I get you something?" He didn’t respond, just stared blankly ahead. She gently laid her hand against his cheek, and called louder, "Darling, are you okay?" He didn't melt into her touch. He didn't react at all. He seemed oblivious to everything around him, and she was suddenly terrified.

She felt the weight of the others looking on with concern. She cast Cure Wounds, praying some injury had brought this on. She wasn't surprised when it found nothing to heal.

"I didn't see any spell or trap," offered Keyleth. "I was behind him all day. I have Greater Restoration prepared."

"Do it," said Vex, her voice breaking. "Maybe it will help." She didn't sound convinced. She sat back to let Keyleth work, taking his hand.

Keyleth placed her palms on either side of his face. She concentrated until a light like spring growth and autumn leaves washed over him. There was a flicker of relief, and then pain. As Keyleth took her hands away, he started crying, shuttering, and panicked. He pulled his hand away and curled further into a ball of misery. He was nearly incoherent except to faintly repeat, "I can't..."

Keyleth was shocked. "Percy?"

"Get the mansion up! He can't stay out here," called Vex, stress and concern flooding her voice. She laid a hand gently on his shoulder, and said soothingly, "Darling it's alright. You're going to be alright. We're going to get you inside." The minute to cast the spell felt like an eternity.

He resisted when they tried to help him up, recoiling wretchedly. Finally Vex popped Trinket out and asked Percy if she could use it on him. He made no reply but disappeared when she tried. She carried him to their room, bare of decor at her request, and released him towards the bed. He sat down hard. A strange high-pitched noise filled the room. It took her a moment to realize it was a sound of deep distress from Percy.

"Darling it's alright. You're going to be alright."

The others milled about the hall, too worried to go far. Eventually Vex motioned Keyleth back in to help her. Percy sat in a quiet daze on the edge of the bed. They got off his outer layers, his armor, and his boots. Keyleth started to see the grim practice in what Vex was doing. She let the silence hang between them until Vex said she'd get the rest.

They sat awkwardly outside a long time taking off their own gear, before Keyleth said, "Why didn't we do anything? We all knew he wasn't alright."

"Have any of us been okay with all this?" asked Scanlan.

The silence spoke for them.

Vex looked worried and worn when she eventually came out.

"How is he?" asked Pike.

"He's resting. I don't want to leave him alone for long, but there's nothing I can do and I'm starving."

"Vex…" Keyleth struggled for words. "I saw in there… This isn't the first time."

Vex stared guiltily at the floor before leaning into Keyleth's offered hug. "It was bad after the dragons. Never this bad. We pushed ourselves hard because we had to. We all knew the cost of failure. I kept telling myself I was worrying too much, but I should have done more.

"His depression crashed, but he was also manic. Like he's been since we found Delilah. He shut himself away in his workshop for days but made little progress. He couldn't focus or think clearly. He got frustrated, upset, and careless. He got hurt a couple times. Sometimes I'd find him just drinking alone and crying. He pushed me away. Said he couldn't do it anymore. That was that for a couple months. There were a few nights I was afraid…"

"Eventually it seemed to lift. He was calmer, more productive. Clearer and sharper. He went back to work improving Whitestone. We started over again. Maybe a little impulsively, but we didn't want to waste more time.

"We felt like there was something left to do. We were waiting for another mission, but not this. The Briarwoods threw him. He's been struggling since. I don't think he let any of us see how much. It was all so fast.

"I think Cassandra… even though we brought her back, then Vax…" her voice broke, "then Grog getting trapped was too much. Like it would never just be over or safe. Like the last year of getting better didn't happen." She was crying. "I don't want to lose him, too."

Pike gently took her hand. "I'll go sit with him. You get something to eat. Take off your armor." She left before Vex could protest. Vex did her best to take care of herself before worry overtook her and she went back to do what little she could for him.

The others tried to make a plan for the next day. Worry won out over the mission. They'd take another day here. Grog wasn't going anywhere as best they could tell. Pike observed the Restoration spell had some effect. He was doing so badly it was worth trying again.

Percy slept fitfully and late. The time to renew the mansion was getting near when Pike tried Greater Restoration. The wave of peace lasted longer. He seemed more aware of his surroundings. He put himself together enough to go outside. But even the minute back in Pandemonium was overwhelming and draining. He collapsed back into bed and curled up crying.

They debated what to do. It was too risky to send him back alone with Planeshift, and too risky to be down two people. If they had to, they’d cast fly on Trinket and put Percy in the necklace. He was still far too fragile to set out tomorrow. They'd wait another day. Pike would try Greater Restoration again before dinner. It was expensive and incremental, but it was working.

He started coming back to himself after the next round of spells. He said, "Thank you. Both of you. I'm sorry I haven't been myself. I'm sorry I've been a burden. I…" Vex hugged him and reassured him. However hesitantly, he relaxed into her arms and tried to believe her. He ate well. For the first time in many days he got a good night's rest.

After the morning spells he was brighter, more lucid. He spent the day reading with Vex and Keyleth in the library. He made light conversation. It was clear he was still far from alright, but the very worst of it had passed.

He continued to improve with the evening and morning spells. His appetite was better. His nightmares were milder, though he'd flipped to sleeping very long. He didn't look so pale or so exhausted. After checking in with him, they decided to continue their journey.

The rest of the quest was uneventful, if slower. Percy was still struggling. They could only stay out a few hours before he began to glaze over and dissociate. Keeping up with Greater Restoration helped, but it could only fix so much so fast, it was expensive, and they had to start rationing the supplies quickly. He was still drinking more heavily than the rest of them. But by the time they released Grog, he was back to his usual cutting wit. He teased Grog about losing an arm. Vex wondered how much of himself felt missing.

When they Plane Shifted back to the center of Whitestone, he hugged the Suntree and said, "Never again. I'm never going back to that horrible place for any reason. I'd rather go back to Hell."

 His recovery was slow. He took another week off his duties as Sophist of Native Ingenuity. When he tried to get back to work, he couldn't focus. He overslept. He zoned out in meetings. He couldn't understand plans through the brain fog. He took another week off, then two, then a leave of absence. He was gone nearly a year. He hated it. He hated feeling useless. He hated feeling like a burden. But Vex was right that he wasn't in fit shape to do it.

And so it went over the next two years of slowly piecing himself together after years of breaking. Keyleth made the trip back to Whitestone for Greater Restoration once a week, or any time he had a crisis. The magic helped a lot, but even magic couldn't undo everything at once. With need and resources, Whitestone was the first to start developing psychotherapy separate from temple work. Cassandra and many of Vox Machina were happy to participate.

Keenly aware of the privilege and community that allowed them help, Percy and Vex drew up a plan to lower barriers for all. When the final plan was put forward, the Chamber of Whitestone voted unanimously for socialized medicine out of taxes on timber and Whitestone production.

A lot was done with more careful study of plants and minerals. The discovery of a lithia spring in the mountains was a boon for Percy's health. Keyleth's regular visits could be cut back to once a month.

However slowly, the pain of the past started staying there. The future, with family, friends, and a prospering home, had begun to flourish.

If you’d like earlier access to my work, follow my blog at deramin.net.

If you like this transcript, consider buying me a coffee (ko-fi.com/otdderamin). I’ve been working on these while struggling to adjust to disability. Donating helps me justify spending time on these projects.