#I LOVE LATE STAGE CAPITALISM /sarcasm

[flightyalrighty]

wow that anon is dumb. anyone who is that concerned about starving artists "taking away" from other people in need of donations - is directing their energy the wrong way.

love the comic, hope you can afford that controller <3

Thank you! Me too! I really really really hope I can!

[bioticbooty]

15 questions for 15 friends

Tagged by @pigeontheoneandonly!

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: My birth name, no. My coming out as they gayest fucker without a gender you've ever met, yes, but oddly, after myself??? Because I decided to write a self-insert (SaOS) and writing my birth name felt WRONG (for reasons I didn't understand at the time) so I made a new name that felt "right," examined those feelings over the course of a decade, and when it came time to change my name, I already had one thanks to my weird Mass Effect-loving, fanfiction-writing, stumbling-into-an-epiphany-yet-completely-missing-it self. In other words, I named myself before I knew who I was.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: Saturday, April 6, between 7:30 pm and 9:15 pm, watching Star Trek: Discovery Season 5, episodes 1 and 2

DON'T LOOK AT ME

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?: I have zero offspring and sometimes I feel a way about it and sometimes I don't.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?: Track. And I am also going to include marching band because we walked for MILES with HEAVY INSTRUMENTS wearing SHITTY SHOES THAT ARE DEFINITELY NOT MADE FOR HIKING and WOOL UNIFORMS in the fucking HEAT (and also in the cold, in which case we were stuffing little heat buddies into the toes of our shoes).

I do not play a sport now. But I do go on little mental health walks and occasionally hike a volcano.

DO YOU USE SARCASM?: Not once in my entire life.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?: How they look at other people. Which is such an incredibly autistic thing, but I fucking studied the shit out of how other people communicated with and looked at other people around them in an attempt to understand it myself because I was always missing these cues that everyone else acted as if they were immediately obvious to the point they didn't need to be said. Communication became one of my special interests as a way to understand and survive in social situations.

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?: Hazel. When I was 17 and on a picnic with a friend I was incredibly gay for (but who was tragically straight), she gazed into my eyes as the sun sparkled around us and said my eyes looked like sunflowers in a meadow.

Naturally, I fucking love sunflowers.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?: Happy endings. Both are good, and scary movies can have happy endings too, but I like soft and kind stories more where people don't have to suffer in order to experience or earn joy.

ANY TALENTS?: Writing (though writing that makes me feel an imposter), cooking, building, and the ability to stand in a room and spatial reason the shit out of it without moving a muscle to come up with the perfect layout.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: Portland, OR

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?: Writing, reading, painting, home improvement, gardening, photography, rock-hounding, traveling, being a professional asshole.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: Three cats!

HOW TALL ARE YOU?: 5'6"

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?: I loved history and literature the most at the time.

DREAM JOB?: I don't know. This is a complicated question. I don't like that jobs are tied to our ability to thrive. I like doing a lot of different things, and most of those things at the rate I like to do them are not sustainable for paying my bills. It's hard to divorce "dream job" from the hellscape that is living under late-stage capitalism, where everything we do is monetized and categorized according to how productive we are. In which case, the job I have now as a labor organizer, actively combatting this system, is my dream job. But I wish I didn't have to do it and I wish it didn't exist.

No pressure tags: @cr-noble-writes, @pushingsian, @therev28, @eletaniia, @galtori, @mrsd-writes, @rotschopf-thedrow, @swaps55, and anyone else who feels so inclined

[bm-binger]

The story unfolds in three acts...

The first act comes with a lot of hurt and anger; derisive words and tongue poised to lash a venomous curse at each other.

Screams of rage and shouts of frustration; each meant to hurt an already aching bearer.

Lauren was all spite, sarcasm, and thinly veiled insults. A defense mechanism the girl is wont to do when feelings come in the equation and hurt tramples over.

Camila was all tears and a rapidly crumbling resolve--- walls breaking down as each of the green-eyed girl's words a sharp knife slicing through her inside.

Slurs of despicable meaning went back and forth. Words of, "management's bitch" and "a heartless cheating bastard" prompted the other to walk away.

Neither soul really meant the words, just that they had to hurt the other as much.

Yet, their own pride burned the bridge and left them with scorched marks that will never fade.

A wound that claves the two as their paths formed different routes; a story beautiful in its telling but was never meant to last longer than an eclipse in its bearing.

-

The second act comes with healing and a restoration of an old feeling.

3 years passed and neither had a chance to talk after their disastrous parting.

Camila was the star of the media, constantly guesting on countless talk shows and making her name known. Her songs boasting on the radios and her smile more genuine than ever.

Lauren became reclusive, private and not at all the limelight queen the fandom predicted her to be. She still fights for what she believes in, constantly seen in charity events and marching protests against the vileness of patriarchal capitalism.

They both found the place they were comfortable with. And that's when the scorch marks left in the wake of their parting mended into an almost translucent scar from its angry welting.

An accidental encounter at the most random of places led to a casual greeting.

Exchanging of new phone numbers.

Asking for the other's well-being.

Until eventually, the faithful apology was uttered from both ends.

It was the end of an era full of bittersweet reminiscing, now in its place is a new relationship mended from the broken bridge of the past friendship.

They weren't anywhere near how they were before, no. They've both grown up in their years apart and molded themselves into new people.

But it didn't stop the flame to flicker at the wick of Lauren's heart.

And it didn't stop Camila from entertaining the could have beens that come to mind.

However, they were two souls that have grown cold without the other for a long time and one is bound to go somewhere else for warmth.

After all, the sun never saw it fit to brave the cold on its own unlike its moon counterpart who embraces the cold like an old soul.

-

Act three comes with loving, but it's not how the story anyone would want it ending.

It started with an announcement of a concert in a place where it all started.

A grin spread across red painted lips, hoping and hoping and hoping that this time will be a chance to mend a broken vow.

Because in this story, one still holds a candle of love-- silent in its light and soft in its warmth; fretfully hoping for another chance at radiance. While the other has long since laid the candle to rest, wick gone cold and found the embrace of another warmer than the old.

A text of "will you come with me? For old time's sake" was turned down with a polite "I'm sorry, I have somewhere else to be on that night."

Green eyes softened into resignation and forlorn detachment. She looked down at the two tickets that was meant to be a way for her to confess her still growing fondness.

The feeling that never died even after all the countless years they were apart.

After all, the moon was used to the cold. It is the one that brings comfort during the nights of high summer in the south.

It was used to the cold, but the frost that bit her this time was a newfound hurt that took refuge in her heart.

Nevertheless, she went to the concert. She didn't start loving The 1975 for Camila.

The hours dragged on and each music played was a bittersweet memory to that time when she had brown eyes staring at her softly, mouthing the lyrics of fallingforyou on her skin, and tracing the back of her neck with gentle fingertips.

The elation to be in a crowd, basking under the music of her favourite band was laced with a longing that she only really felt for one person, the person who she is currently staring at.

The person with her arms around a man, giggling quietly under the soft undertones of the stage lights.

It hit her then that it was too late. She was too late.

Never before has something hurt her worse than this.

Because looking at her looking at somebody else?

It was the kind of torture Lauren really never wanted to be in.

So with one final glance and green eyes watering, barely holding back a sob of anguish– she turned her back.

And left for the second time.

--

The end of an eclipse might be a painful affair but let us remind ourselves that it happens again.

And somehow, in someway, the sun and moon reunites in its own private moment.

-----

[09yards]

3 - maybe we’ll be better off, perhaps we’re not meant for this universe (days gone by NCT)

Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist

2nd of august [continued]

5 new messages

(1 new message) Hyuckie – happy birthday, I guess! See you tonight, can’t wait! 😊

(1 new message) Injunnie – do I really still have to wish you happy birthday after all these years? Is it not just a given smh

(1 new message) Jaehyun – happy birthday lil guy! See you tonight!!! Doyoung and I are very excited to see you!!

(1 new message) Lucas – yo, happy birthday dude! 8pm tonight right?

(1 new message) Jaemin – sending you birthday love! Catch you later 😊

TO Lucas (11:38 am) yep! See you tonight, ‘fashionably’ late as always right bro?

God did mark hate calling people bro.

TO Jaehyun (11:43 am) I’m really not little, how long are you going to keep this up for? Actually, don’t answer that, I’ll see you and Doyoung tonight.

TO Injunnie (11:45 am) wow, I love this kind of treatment on my birthday, so kind of you.

FROM Injunnie (11:47 am) We’ve known each other, what fifteen years? I think we get the idea now, do we not?

In other news, considering I don’t really care about your birthday right now, do you happen to know what’s up with Jaemin? He hasn’t messaged me in three days, the last time we spoke he couldn’t end the conversation any quicker.

Oh my god! The audacity! How dare he not message you?

Your sarcasm is not appreciated nor is it necessary right now. Usually I can’t get him to stop talking to me, I’m a tad scared.

You don’t think he’s going to break up with me, do you?

Oh my god!

Mark what if he breaks up with me? Like are we even together? We aren’t together so he doesn’t even have to break up with me.

You don’t think it’s to do with that new girl Yuna do you? He was the one who gave her tours!!

He said he was gay but maybe he’s not, maybe he feels like he got the wrong soulmate! He used to date girls, what if he lied to protect my feelings. That’s cute but messed up.

Jesus fucking Christ Injun, he’s not ending anything you're soulmates, he loves you.

and yes he did date girls but I had to listen to him drunkenly tell us he's 'strictly dick now' at Jaehyun's birthday - how did you not know?

I’m sure he’s just busy

He messaged me earlier, he said he was coming tonight, just look hot as usual and problem solved.

S T O P  B E I N G  A  P A N I C K E D  G A Y

And you better not be practicing your break up speech.

Okay, okay

Sorry – panic over. I’m good, we’re fine!

Let’s get back to you!

(1 new message) Hyuckie – Heejin is going to be there tonight, right? You need to help me pick an outfit; I need to look H o t - specifically with a capital H *cry*

Good because shit, Hyuck just messaged me asking what to wear tonight so he looks hot as Heejin is going to be there.

It’s my birthday why can’t he look hot for me and not for Heejin smh

Hold up,

Wait just a second here,

You’re now 18.

Really? No shit sherlock, I had no idea today was my eighteenth birthday

I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner!

D-did you get your soulmate mark yet?

Not you too

And did you seriously just stutter over text?

Yes, I did Mark, this is serious business, you have your soulmate mark don’t you?

Oof look at the time, I better run. Hyuck needs my help!

Mark

Mark Lee

You did not-

You really did huh

I guess I’ll see you later, happy birthday I guess

It was safe to say Mark had well and truly panicked. Renjun may be his best friend and what are best friends for if they don’t tease you to no end about your soulmate mark. Mark did exactly that when Renjun got his early after Jaemin’s confession at their schools annual end of year dance. Mark, Hyuck, Renjun and Jaemin had all gone together – bro’s come first and all – and while a slow song came on, Mark and Hyuck had made it outside just in time to not get roped into the dance floor, the other two hadn’t been so lucky… or maybe they had. Mark and Haechan couldn’t quite believe that after four months of the two of them trying to set their other best friends up, it took one dance, some fresh suits (they’d grown out of the old ones) and Jaemin’s freshly pink hair and Renjun’s freshly blond locks and newfound love for his glasses for the two to finally admit their feelings.

- - - - -

15th of June - end of year dance

“I cannot believe Mark and Haechannie left us here. How come crazy maths lady didn’t catch them sneaking out the back!”

“Uhm… I don’t know Jaemin, they just got lucky I guess.” Renjun was distracted, he’d wanted to be left alone with the other when he was ready, not when he risked blurting his crush as they may have only had very little alcohol courtesy of Johnny and Jaehyun before the dance – ‘you can’t go to a mundane school dance without a little something, how else will you get the confidence to dance’.

“I’m sorry I don’t really know how to dance either. How do you want to do this – your hands around my neck?”

“O-okay, sure.” Renjun could feel his hands shaking as he raised his arms up and clasped his hands together at the base of Jaemin’s neck. They were so close, Renjun could only hear the metronome that was his heartbeat thudding against his ribs. He could see the glimmer in Jaemin’s eyes, he could see the sweat beads forming just below the flop of his hair on his forehead due to the god-forsaken heat of the school’s assembly hall. Renjun’s focus was only on him, the music being played by the band on the stage gradually drowned itself out until it was at the very back of his mind, Jaemin was right in front of him, he had Jaemin’s breath tickling his cheek every time they swayed slightly to the non-existent beat.

“You know, if I knew that this was all it took to get you this close and practically melting in my grip, I wouldn’t have missed out on any god-awful school slow dances. Injunnie calm down, I can practically hear your mind whirring, attempting to process this.”

“I’m sorry I stopped listening at melting.” The reason Injun had stopped listening was due to the presence of Jaemin’s hands lowering themselves further down onto the cusp of hips and it was rather hard to concentrate when the best friend you’d been harbouring a crush on for quite some time was talking about you becoming weak under their touch and this felt like all you’d ever dreamt of (besides winning the lottery and academic success etcetera). It was one-hundred percent true; he wasn’t even going to bother fighting Jaemin on it. Anyone who looked at them would be able to see the utter panicked mess he’d become. Hands fiddling with his rings, becoming increasingly clammy, hair matting slightly as his heartrate continued to speed up and he started to feel the sweat building up.

“Injunnie, you know I love you right?”

“Of course, I do, what are best friends for?”

“No, I mean I love love you. Like I want to kiss you and hold your hand and cuddle up on rainy days and binge-watch all the Harry Potter movies with you, even though I know the whole time you’re going to sit there and give me a running commentary on how the books are better than the films and that J.K. Rowling is a goddess.”

“Don’t we do that anyway? Aside from the kissing thing, you attempt to kiss me and I push you away. And, J.K. Rowling is a goddess.”

“Injun, I want to date you – I- I want to be your boyfriend.” Jaemin’s hands were gradually pulling away from their position on Renjun’s hips and he wasn’t quite ready to let him go yet. “Just say something please, something relevant… please. If you don’t want to do this we can just move on, go back to being the best of friends. You know, maybe we’ll be better off, perhaps we’re not meant to be a couple in this universe.”

“Jesus Christ Jaemin you really never stop talking when you’re supposed to, do you?”

It was Jaemin’s turn to blush now, Injun was never this forward.

“I’m sorry, what did you want to say? I can handle the rejection you know! Sure, I may just have to drown my sorrows in several litre tubs of ice cream but I’m sure I’ll get over it. I’m strong yeah- “

Jaemin was cut off with a very light peck to the corner of the mouth and that left him spluttering, unable to form a coherent sentence.

“Wow, that got you to stop talking didn’t it? The Na Jaemin, speechless right before my very own eyes.”

“S-shut up, I’m not blushing.”

“I never said you were, but you most definitely are.” Renjun leant closer, mouth hovering just over Jaemin’s ear, “But, don’t worry about it, I know I’m blushing too and I can’t wait to see every way I can make you blush.”

Jaemin deemed it far too inappropriate of a conversation for their assembly hall, it was one-hundred percent not okay for anyone to over hear them.

“D-do you want to get out of here? Jaehyun isn’t home and maybe we could talk about t-this.” Jaemin could feel himself blushing more as every word left his mouth. What happened to him being the confident one?

“Let’s go.” Renjun took his hand, almost (but not quite) dragging him out of the hall, confidence overtaking his rationality, the alcohol coursing through his bloodstream, to where Jaemin’s pride and joy sat – the car he’d inherited from his grandfather, a 1967 black ford mustang and Renjun wouldn’t lie, it made Jaemin all that more appealing.

The two’s plans to make it home hadn’t quite worked out that way. Leaning over the gear stick, confident Jaemin was back and ready to make Renjun blush just as much as he’d been doing beforehand.

Raising a hand to his jaw, “Maybe I could get a proper kiss now; without you pushing me away.” Renjun’s entire body was heating up, the others voice had dropped at least three octaves, sultry and quiet but deafening to his ears. All he could do was nod lightly, leaning into the feeling of Jaemin’s hand. It was soft and gentle, like Jaemin was scared to hurt him but quickly turned darker and deeper. Licking into one another’s mouths, light moans and whimpers, hands grasping at clothing. Before he knew it, Renjun was seated comfortably on Jaemin’s lap, back against the steering wheel, hands clutching his shoulders while the others were on his waist. Whimpers turned into groans, Renjun had managed to slip Jaemin’s jacket off and was now working his way through the buttons of his shirt, hands shaking too much and eyes closed as the two gasped for breath in between rough, passionate, desperate kisses.

“Injunnie, don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe we should slow down. We’re in my car, in the car park remember?”

Renjun continued with his work on Jaemin’s buttons and rocking his hips back and forth with zero regard to what he was doing to the other and blatantly ignoring what he’d said.

“Holy shit.” The smaller let out a not-so subtle gasp as he pulled away.

“I know, I’ve never enjoyed kissing so much but, we can’t get too carried away.”

“No Jaem shit, shit, shit! Look, oh my god, look at your fucking stomach.”

“What? I know I have abs, Jesus Christ Injun, you’re acting like you’ve never seen them before.”

“No, you bloody twat, I know you have abs, I’ve looked at said abs many, many times, I’m talking about that.” Jaemin whelped at the sensation of Renjun jabbing just below his ribcage, finally noticing what Renjun was talking about – their make out session now long forgotten.

“Well, you’re the only person I’ve confessed to and been reciprocated and that definitely wasn’t there when I got out the shower about three hours ago so, um, congratulations? I guess we’re soulmates. But seriously I’m going to need an explanation about this.” Gesturing at the words pressed into his skin, ‘they’re definitely staring’.

“Drive back to yours. Now.” Renjun quickly slid back into his own seat, neatening his hair which had been tugged and ruined by his soulmate’s hands. He’d immediately gone into emotional shut down, all defence mechanisms had been activated. He was scared. He knew this meant they were soulmates but what if he couldn’t give Jaemin what he wanted, what he deserved.

“Earth to Injun, hey? You still with me?” Panic was evident in Jaemin’s voice as he watched the other stare off out the window. He opted for getting out the car, hoping that would be enough to alert the other of their arrival at Jaemin’s house. A house which was empty and quiet and the moment they went inside they’d be away from the public, all alone, to have a conversation Renjun was fearful of having, but the sleepiness had overtaken him as well and his eyes were beginning to droop.

“Come on, we can talk another time. You look sleepy, I’ll take you to bed.”

Renjun’s body was so used to this action that his limbs moved on their own, arms wrapping and locking at the back of Jaemin’s neck as he felt an arm slide under his knees. It was nice, relaxing even, he turned into Jaemin’s body – in search of warmth and the smell of home. The metronome that is Jaemin’s heartbeat, thumping softly as he was carried up the stairs. His own heartbeat, although slowing in search of sleep, was becoming increasingly irregular as Jaemin’s hands moved across his body, finding their way to undoing the buttons of his shirt and gently pulling one of Jaemin’s t-shirts over his head. Renjun managed to stay awake long enough to change himself into a pair of sweatpants and curl up under the thick duvet of Jaemin’s bed before allowing himself to drift off.

“Goodnight Injunnie,” a delicate kiss to his forehead before climbing in next to him, Renjun’s body on auto-pilot curling himself up into his side, “we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

FROM Haechannie (10:58 pm)

Where the heck did you go?

FROM Haechannie (11:05 pm)

Seriously we can’t find you anywhere!

FROM Haechannie (11:19 pm)

Okay, I’m hoping you and Renjun have gone home because you’re both missing and so is your car

FROM Haechannie (11:25 pm)

God help you, you better be fine

FROM Haechannie (11:27 pm)

The only valid excuse I’m letting you have to get out of this is if you and Renjun disappeared because you were making out

Mark agrees

TO Haechannie (11:43 pm)

Well, I guess you can’t be too mad at me then?

Renjun’s with me by the way

Excuse me, what?!

OH MY GOD – from Mark

Tell me everything, now.

Well, since you abandoned us at the dance, we were about to dance and a slow song came on so I just went with it you know?

And well I told him that I love, love him and I started rambling and well he kissed my cheek to shut me up and then we were going to go home but only made it to my car

Holy shit this is better than a drama

Hurry the fuck up I wanna know what happened next -mark

Wait ew, you better clean your car before I get in it

we didn’t have sex in my car!!

Injun was kinda up for it though, he was sat on my lap and wow his hips can move and his kisses GAH! Fnjvnldf and his waist is so tiny?? Like we’ve cuddled before, like we are right now but wow, my hands on his waist as we kissed was totally different

Jesus, you sound like you came from just making out

Or did you get left with blue balls lol -mark

mark wins this round

I said we should slow down because I was majorly hard and I was not having sex for the first time, in my car, in the school car park

He completely ignored me and carried on kissing me and undoing my shirt and then he pulled away and gasped really loudly and I was like ?????

Honestly thought he came for a second but no

He’d undone my shirt completely and was just staring at my stomach so again I was like ??

We get it Jaemin, you have abs

How many times do you want to tell us?

I have nice abs okay but that wasn’t what he was looking at

Um, turns out I have a tattoo now

I really, really want to say I’m surprised but we been knew, you and Injun were clearly soulmates -mark

Okay Hyuck is super excited and is currently dancing and screaming and said to tell you congrats so congrats

But after that, he just switched and got off me and told me to drive home, he acted like nothing happened.

And then he fell asleep in the car so I carried him up to bed and changed him into pjs

but like, I can’t see a mark on him so unless its somewhere super hidden (and I mean super) what if he doesn’t have one? Is that a thing?

I’m sure you just haven’t seen it, try get some sleep and the two of you can talk in the morning. Hyuck’s still screaming so I’ll get him to message you tomorrow.

Thank you, Mark. Sorry for unloading this on you, I’m just so so scared. Johnny and Ten had such a rocky start from best friends to soulmates, we aren’t all Jaehyun and Doyoung I guess

No, we aren’t, but you and Injun are your own people and you’ll figure it out. Johnny and Ten worked things out after all. Good night Jaemin.

Jaemin finally let himself relax, the soft snores of the small, blond boy lulling him to sleep. They’d figure this out.

They always do.

Right?

[betterfor4-blog]

My Pursuit of Happiness Manifesto

--- In a nutshell (to take the time to read or not): This post gives context to my life, why I have started this blog, the clear goals I have set for my family and how I am going to manage it. ----

Dear Universe and the Human Race,

The Context of My Life

Thank you for my life.  Through nothing else but chance and luck I find myself truly blessed (in a completely non-religious way).  Even if I didn’t intend, plan or pursue it, I find myself in my late 30s with a beautiful old-fashioned, very-not-cool nuclear family.  We could be the poster family for hetero-normative, white, 2 young kids and a dog in an average brick house.  Please don’t for a second though think that I believe or promote this as the only way as being.  This is the context for my life, however, I am open-minded and supportive of all the different kinds of ways that family and love exists in this world. 

I acknowledge that I live on this planet in a way many cannot or will never get the opportunity to.  I acknowledge that the way I live is because of the toil of many who will never have my privilege.

Completely off life-plan I married my first love who I met when I was a teenager.  He is intelligent, gorgeous, compassionate, funny, loyal and simply a good person (if not sometimes a little too ‘linear/pragmatic/black and white in his thinking).  We both had opportunities to become well educated and ambition to form our own independent careers.  We both trained and work in the Sciences; I am an educator.  We lived exciting lives with lots of travel and friends and then 3 years ago we welcomed our first lovely daughter into this world (Miss C1).  Late last year our family was completed by our second lovely daughter (Miss C2).

The Reason For This Blog And What I Want In This Life

I am genuinely happy, 8/10, like Scandinavian happy (those guys have it all worked out).  I know who I am and I am very clear in my mind about my goals, values and ambitions for myself and my family.   I have prefaced and contextualized my life in this post however, as my problems are slight, though they still exist an I am in pursuit of  happiness (9 and 10 numbers).

I want to live meaningfully in this life and raise my girls consciously and with clear intent.  I want our family activities, daily life and conversations to be ‘rich’ in the holistic manner of the word rather than the dollars and cents version.  I want for a lot and have some clear goals/thoughts:

1. MINIMALISM - I want to live better with less...

-  I want to spend less on the stuff we don’t need.  

- I don’t want to waste things (especially food and other such resources). 

-  I want every item in our home to bring joy, be useful and used frequently. 

- I wish to invest in family experiences more than things.

- I don’t want to get caught up in the fast fashion cycle, buying my girls $2 t-shirts that last 3 washes and are thrown away at the cost of both environment and people.  

- I want high quality goods that are fixed or re-purposed rather than just thrown away.

- I want to our modest block of land to be productive for 

- I don’t want to spend my life cleaning or battling with storing stuff making our home and lives less enjoyable.

- I want a clean and organised house that I don’t have to feel burdened by maintaining but I am not ashamed by unexpected guests.

2. Experiential Based Family Life - I want our daily lives to be rich in conversation and experiences.

- Less Screen time or maybe more meaningful screen time for everybody.

- More games and playing.

- More travel and family experiences more frequently.

- More nature in our daily lives.  More getting outside.

- Ensure my girls get the best education possible by exposing them to opportunities and educational experiences.  Peppa Pig is not nearly educational enough (read severe sarcasm).

3. HEALTH - A Healthier Family

For us health comes in 3 pillars: sleep, food and exercise.  To be honest all are crumbling a little at the moment...

- I am overweight and have been my entire adult life and I want to rectify that for the most important reason in the world; it gives me the best chance to be with my family for the longest amount of time.  I’ll blog about this later.

- I want my family to eat well and diversely.  I want my girls to have a good relationship with food where no food is forbidden.  I need to create strategies and structures to allow and develop this.

- We need to be working towards 8 hours of sleep a night, the girls need more.  

- We need strategies in our lives than ensures that Mum and Dad are getting at least 10,000 steps a day and some cardio (I would love to know how far Miss C1 goes in a Day).

4. IMPROVE MY IDENTITY CAPITAL - be the best Mum I can be.

I think for the first time in my life I am ready to live by the wisdom of ‘taking care of yourself before others’ (the old apply your oxygen mask in a plane emergency before helping others).  I am tapped out, my cup is dry... whatever you want to call it.  

Basically, I am a stay at home Mum with 2 girls under 3 and I am TIRED.  Not just sleep deprived but emotionally exhausted.  I feel like junk and everywhere I look I see work to be done.  Worst thing yet, I just returned from a holiday super relaxed.  Which was good, because it reinforced to me that I am more than run down, I am depleted.

I want more ‘arrows  in my quiver’.  In short, as my husband would put it I need more diverse identity capital.  I need to my life to be filled with hobbies and activities and people to recover some of my energy and zest for life.  Yet at the same time I feel the Social Media Direct Messenger culture of 21st Century melts my mind a little. 

Previously, my job consumed me and that is the way I liked it.  I have chosen however to sacrifice my career in order to give my girls the best chance (see goal 2-5).  Staying at home was not an emotionally easy choice, but an easy logical one.  I am an educator.  This is what I do.  The idea of returning to work (when I didn’t have to) and allowing someone else to raise and educate my girls at this early stage seemed like insanity.  I am also lucky that the system I work for holds my job for me for about 6 years.   But back to the point, it left a career sized hole in my life that of late has been harder to fill. 

My mind is a fog of fruit pouches, nappies and nursery rhymes.  Yet, I know that this time of my life will pass faster than I will in retrospect have liked it to.  Before it does though I need to write in full sentences on a regular basis.  I need to stretch my mind.  I need to model to my girls how you can work towards a work-life balance.

Vainly, I am also in desperate need of a Mum makeover.  I need some Mum style before my girls start school.  B.C. (before children) I had work clothes and a few casual pieces.  2 pregnancies and no work later I am adrift in my new life, at least style wise, and it has left me feeling fairly invisible.

5. WEALTH - I want us all to be grateful for what we have and show that.

This one really doesn’t need dot points.  My family are privileged and that is not a crime, but to become entitled or not appreciate our good fortune, well that is.  I want us to not waste and give back where we can as often as we can. 

As for our actual finances.  I figure if we live more mindfully with less we will spend less.  The money we save will be able to fund our experiences and travel.  It is the old “take care of the cents and the dollars will take care of themselves” approach.   I will be exploring this later though.

Summary

So on rereading this, two things I note.

- I sound far more ‘hippy-dippy’ than I feel I am, but the list is accurate.  I wonder if this resonates with other 21st Century slightly left-leaning Mum’s out there?  Where is my tribe?

- I am WAY daunted by this list.  To set an appropriate mental image I am sitting at my dining room table eating a carrot as the baby bashes her drink bottle on her highchair pulverizing crackers into dust (now on the floor) and the toddler is talking to me asking constant ‘why’ questions.  The latest question was “why do doctors say you can’t jump on the bed?” referring to the song ‘5 little Monkies’.  Both of these things are an improvement from 30 minutes ago where they were both competing to press any buttons they could on my laptop.

How Will I Achieve This?

Don’t know in short.  But I know this... I cancelled my gym membership recently because getting there with the two girls was near impossible and ridiculously expensive once I paid for the creche for the both of them.  I felt like I had lost something too.  Like the cards were proverbially stacked against me and my fitness goals as a stay at home Mum (CHAINED TO THE HOUSE I TELL YOU).  On the way home though I questioned why I honestly needed the gym, more specifically an instructor telling me to ‘sashay’.  I decided on two reasons.  The first, the group environment means I won’t quit as I would never give in when being observed by others.  The second, because the instructor had the knowledge.   

It occurred to me on that trip home that I could replace those classes with YouTube and a blog.  A blog to keep me honest and check in (even if no one reads it) and YouTube for the knowledge.  The internet is a global community of ‘DIY knowledge’ and all I had to do was harness it.

So that is the strategy for this blog.  I am going to use the power of the internet to learn, share and record my improvements.  

How Will I Measure Progress And What Is The Timeline?

I am going to have to research that on the internet (LOL).  I think I am going to need different tools for different aspects of my life.

I am going to start by posting Mon, Wed, Fri and tackling a different aspect each time:

Monday - Health

Wednesday - Minimalism

Friday - Experiences

I am writing this to no one in particular and everyone in order to keep myself honest and on track in the way I am going to change our lives. 

The purpose of this blog and particularly long post... I’ve got to be better for the four of us.  I have to live my best life to honor this extraordinary life I have been gifted.

[infobrokerkid]

15 questions, 15 mutuals

Back at it again with them QnA games. I’d love to thank @licoricerootstuff for tagging me in this one! ♡ You guys know how much I love talking about myself filling these!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Surprisingly enough, I kind of am! It’s not after anyone from the family, though. My father chose my name in the honour of various queens who ruled over our country back in medieval times.

2. When was the last time you cried?

O o f, starting of with such personal questions, are we. But to keep it real; it was actually on Sunday morning. So approximately 3 days ago. 

3. Do you have kids?

God, no! 

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Quite often, yes. But I’ll say this: you really should be aware of your surrondings, to some degree at least, when using sarcasm. Some people might just not fathom the point you’re trying to get across while being sarcastic. Thanks to some little comments of mine certain people from my high school are still 100% convinced I used to cut my wrists. :^)   Recently I’ve been much more cynical than particulary sarcastic, honestly. 

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Once they open their mouth then definitely the way they talk. What words they tend to overuse. The tone of their voice. Their sentence structure and vocabulary extent in general. Plus, of course, the topics they talk about.  In terms of ‘before they start to talk’, then I’m probably going to say their expression. It may be too vague, but I’m not really interested in only their eyes or only their lips or anything like that, I’m interested in their whole mimics. Which goes along with taking notice of their body language. Also, if someone is wearing a cologne or perfume I tend to pick up on that very easily, too!

6. What’s your eye color?

I have your typical stormy blue-ish grayish eyes with dark blue lacing around the iris. They run in the family. My brother, mother and father have the exact same kind. 

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

Scary movie as in scary movie or Scary Movie itself? Assuming we’re supposed to be talking about a scary movie with a scary atmosphere, then it depends how do you define ‘scary movie’. I’m not very fond of what you’d normally call a scary movie. Meaning horrors where it’s all about what amount of blood and guts gets spilled. But neither am I a big fan of happy endings.  In the end I’d choose a scary movie over a happy ending every time. But it has to be a certain kind of scary movie. Something where the atmosphere and anticipation alone has you tensed on the edge of your seat. Not something with just blood and poorly staged violence.

8. Any special talents?

Depends on what you consider a special talent. I could have some ideas myself that I’m ‘special’ at something but that might be just me being dellusional. So if we were to measure it objectively I’d have to say ‘writing’, probably. Since I’ve taken part in multiple writing contests and have always managed to get a decent award-winning place.  People also tell me that my special talent is the way I talk. They usually say that I just know how to talk. But I don’t know if bullshitting your way through is considered a talent. 

9. Where were you born?

I was born in my hometown where I’ve been living ever since; Prague. 

10. What are your hobbies?

Jesus, too many. The exact kind of hobbies you’d expect form so a person who has a tumblr account. I love to read and write. I love to translate, that’s one of my biggest passions. I like to educate myself on psychology, politics and philosophy, amatuarely. A very basic hobby B U T I really do love to listen to music. Can’t even recall when a day passed without me listening to any music - this ties with attending concerts! I have a passion for graphic design as well (exactly why I’m constantly putting out nothing but memes) . I love to discuss vague, conceptual topics where there is no real/correct stand point to achieve. Advocating what I stand for, spending time with people... I’ve kind of begun to describe my day schedule rather than listing my hobbies...

11. Do you have any pets?

I’m allergic and incapable of taking care of living creatures, so I don’t. 

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I haven’t been doing anything actively for a few years now. But I used to do aerobics competitively - even won some awards! Also gymnastics, although any gymnastic I remember til this day is mostly self-taught. I attended taekwondo classes, too. 

13. How tall are you?

I’m 171 cm tall which is a curse since I’m addicted to wearing high heels. I still wear them, though. It transfers to 5.6 ft, a p p r o x i m a t e l y. 

14. Favorite subject in school?

Either History or Literature! 

15. Dream job?

Well I... don’t know. I can’t say one single carreer. I’ve always wanted to be a writer or a translator but lately I’m not so sure if these professions could keep me satisfied. I’d just like to have a job where the main part is about talking. I’d like to come in contact with a lot of different people on a daily basis. I’d like it to not be periodical, or have strict schedule for each week/day because in that case I feel a nature urge to rebel against it, plus I’d get bored of it in no time. The best case scenario would be me being in charge of the schedule. This description itself is a real dream job with capital D because it’s pretty much unachievable. Fact of the day: one personality/career test actually included ‘international spy’ in career recommendetions. 

Thank you very much if you managed to read and survive the whole thing! It’s really flattering when people who visit my blog are also interested in me and not just the content I post relobg.  (ノ▽〃)

I’d like to tag the following (hAH) mutuals: @ask-izamika ; @rukazaya ; @humanitys-shortest-soldier ; @chelseanyan (you have no idea how mUCH I love your profil picture omg) ; @izayabayo ; @tamtam-kalani ; @borderline-izaya ; @lycoryllis ; @actually-the-devil ; @jesswcg ; @scythe-swinging ; @quantum-mecha ; @kakashi-hockeybae ; @demon-of-ikebukuro ; @too-young-to-ber And everyone else who’d like to do the tag, consider yourself tagged by me! To all the tagged mutuals: filling in the tag is, of course, optional! If you were already tagged or want to keep your tumblr account impersonal or simply don’t feel like answering these questions then feel free to ignore me tagging you! 

[daysswithyou]

With love,

Characters: DAY6 Jae x OC

Genre: fluff, slice of life, romance

Words: 2.6k

Description: penpal!jae – when the flame of love rekindles

---

"From: Jae."

You raised a single eyebrow at the letter, surprised that this even appeared in your mailbox. You definitely weren't expecting him to write to you so soon, if not at all. But you couldn't deny that a small part of you was excited to see what he had written - he was a rather funny character. Tearing the slit open, you were greeted by a whole bunch of capital letters and haphazard punctuation - he clearly wrote this in a rather unclear (and possibly drunk) state of mind. You tried your best to decipher his scrawly handwriting (which was rather hard in all honesty) but by the end of the letter, you were laughing to yourself, the little drawing of Chicken Little at the end as he signed off tickling your funny bone. You immediately flashed back to how you met Jae on a school exchange program, the first moment you met him already proving to be rather diabolical. 

-

"Y/N your partner is..." 

The teacher scanned the classroom for a certain someone before heaving a deep sigh. 

"Jae, who's late."

Right at the moment, the door burst open, revealing a geeky boy with a sharp mohawk hairstyle and brown glasses hanging skewed off the bridge of his nose.

"Jae, you are exceptionally early today." The teacher's voice dripped with sarcasm before fixing an admonishing look upon his student. But the cheeky youth was clearly unfazed by the scolding (or the attention) and instead merely shoot his teacher a wide grin before defending himself. 

"Sorry Mr Franklin I had to take time to look extra good today for the exchange students." He then winked at his teacher whom simply turned back to address the class; it was quite obvious that he was rather used to such situations from the boy. Jae then turned to you, finally aware of your presence.

"Hi are you my partner?"

"Yes."

"Hi my name is Jae. Sorry for being late, I actually overslept."

"It's alright, my name is Y/N."

"Yea I know."

You found out later from him that he had chosen you as his partner because of your interesting name, which he had described as 'pretty like you', causing you to turn into a tongue-tied mess. He didn't say that to flirt, he had meant that a geninue comment. 

For the rest of the day, Jae led the pack, a natural orator that had managed to captivate all the students as he went on raptly about your school. You spent the next five days getting to know Jae very well, especially during lunch break where he led you away from the crazy lunch crowd towards the band room where both of you talked endlessly about everything ranging from America's history to embarrassing childhood stories. Time flew fast when you were having fun and before you knew it Jae was sending you off at the airport. You had just said goodbye to him and had just only turned towards the transit area when he called you again. 

"Y/N wait! Could you...give me your address? I'll like be...erm...penpals ya know?"

He then passed you a marker but no paper. 

"Jae do you have paper now?"

"No?"

"Give me your hand." 

He stuck out his arm and you quickly wrote your address on his palm.

"I'll write back. Bye Jae!"

You then took off past the gates but little did you know that Jae's skin was still tingling from your touch.

-

You kept your promise and continuously wrote back and forth to him, both of you sharing your troubles and successes with one another. But the most memorable one had to be the one with the ring, the one where he suggested flying to meet you.

"Since you've been to California before, I thought I'd use the summer break to visit you in New York. The ring is for us to identify one another just in case our looks have changed too much since the last time we met HAHA. Let me know what you think about it?"

Of course you were ecstatic. You couldn't wait to see Jae again and you drove out to mail your letter even though it was 12am at night.

But a letter never came back.

You tried writing many more letters to him but you never got one back. It was as if he had dropped off the face of the earth. After a year, you simply stopped hoping for a reply and soon Jae slowly faded to the back of your memory as you got busy with being an adult.

But somehow, you still kept the ring, wearing it faithfully each day.

-

"Go to this concert with me?" Your childhood friend, Janice, that was currently living in Korea had pleaded with you using her famous puppy eyes, anticipating your rejection. 

"Ok. But who are they? And what kind of group are they?"

"They're a band so they play their own instruments. And the name's DAY6!"

"I've never heard of them before so I'll give it a go."

"Yay! I'll pay for your ticket!"

"Really? How much must you like them to want to pay for me? "

"You'll see."

Indeed you will.

-

That night, you wore the ring on your middle finger as usual. When you entered, the hall was already crowded with fans, the excited buzzing had already began. Fans were wearing white wristbands as you were and they were also holding cute handmade banners filled with words of encouragement. You smiled at the adorable sight and felt this small bubble of joy growing within you - so this was an inkling of what it felt like to be able to see a band that you loved so much. You spotted six different instruments on stage: someone was on the rhythm guitar and another on the bass guitar. Someone would be playing both the synths and keyboard, an interesting combination for a band. The drums look majestic sitting at a spot higher than the rest, granting the drummer a greater view of the adoring crowd. Last but not least, the electric guitar. War flashbacks of Jae playing the electric guitar in the band raced through your mind and for a moment you could hear his laugh and see his infectious smile again. He quizzed you on the different instruments and you got most of them correct as you did now.

Jae would be proud of me I suppose

Before you had time to think further, the lights around the hall dimmed as the stage lights illuminated the 5 different spots on the stage. The members filed out one by one and Janice squeezed your hand particularly hard by the drummer came out. Manly body with boyish features: a man with dual charms; clearly he was her style. But when the electric guitarist came out, you felt your heart stop beating as the world came down to just you and him. 

Jae was standing on stage right in front of you. He still had that same wide smile with straight teeth and he still wore his glasses wherever he went. The only difference was the blonde hair and weight loss; his baby fats in the cheeks were gone, giving his face a much more angular look. 

Different look, but definitely still the same person. 

His eyes scanned the crowd quickly as Sungjin did the opening mention. When he reached your area, you swore his gaze lingered on you a little longer, the gears in his head rapidly doing the math to calculate the probability of that being you.  But before he could make up his mind, Dowoon's drums started off 'How can I say', giving him no time at all before he had to rock out on his own. For the rest of the night, Jae belted out song after song effortlessly but whenever they had breaks in between songs or special interaction with fans, he would always try to search for you amongst the thousands of people but his eyes showed that he wasn't sure. As for yourself, the same could be said. You weren't sure if you'd want to reveal yourself to Jae. But perhaps you were afraid of his reaction. Would he hate to see you? Would he remember you? But worst of all, would he pretend that he didn't know you when you knew he could? A million thoughts ate away at your mind throughout the concert, and you couldn't focus on anything much except for Jae. When the concert ended, you decided to flee before you did something stupid or had your heart broken by Jae.

"Y/N where are you going? There's still the fansign."

Oh right, she got VIP tickets for me too.

That means you'll have to face the inevitable: Jae. As the line in front of you got shorter and shorter, your face got redder and redder from many illogical things at once: embarrassment, anticipation, awkwardness. You thought of the worst case scenario that could happen later when you got to Jae, whom just had to be the last in the row. First was the bassist that looked ridiculously cute followed by the leader that spoke with a thick accent. The shy drummer could barely hold your eye he signed your poster for you and the adorable pianist gave you the sweetest, widest smile. 

When you finally got to Jae, you said the lamest thing off the top of your head. 

"Hi Jae. It's been a long time."

"Hi Y/N I've missed you."

You nearly cried there and then. 

-

Jae POV

It's her. I swore it was her. I could recognise her from a million miles away. I rushed off stage once the concert was over to find her but Sungjin pulled me back before I could even take a step off stage. Then that's when I see her towards the end of the snaking line, her hands trembling slightly as she chewed on her nails, and that's why they say old habits die hard.

When her name fell past my lips now after so many years, she almost cried, her eyes turning red instantly. The staff was rushing her and I hastily signed her poster (across my face by accident) but before she could leave, I had to do something. Grabbing her arm like she did to me, I quickly wrote a message to her before letting her go.

-

"Meet me backstage later." - the note said.

What do I do now? What's he going to say?  

"So how was it? Were they fantastic?"

"Absolutely."

"So who's your bias?"

"Jae."

"No wonder you lingered so long at his spot."

"Yea haha, hey would you mind waiting for me a little? I need to use the washroom."

"Sure. I'll wait for you at the entrance."

Once you were safely out of her sight, you took off in the backstage direction and before you could locate him, you felt a hand reach out to pull you into a storage closet. 

There, surrounded by floor cleaners and mops, you met Jae again after so many years.

"Y/N there's so much to say to you but there's so little time...how do I even..."

"Slow down Jae. I'm going to stay in Korea for some time, we can always meet again to talk. It's just so good to see you again."

"It is. I'm sorry for disappearing so many years ago, I tried so hard so find you after that-"

To prevent him for rattling on, you grabbed his hand lightly.

"It's alright Jae, you can tell me all about it in future. For now...I'm just glad to see you again, that's all I can say."

You felt him twisting the ring and when you looked down, you found him wearing the same ring on the exact same finger. 

"I can't believe you wear it after so long..."

"I could say the same."

"I wear it as a reminder to fulfill my promise to you."

"Well, I guess fate has given us a little push now."

"And I love it. Oh and sorry about the poster, I signed on my face in a hurry."

"Well, I won't be needing the poster much since I'll be seeing the man himself soon."

Jae smiled widely at your statement, holding onto your hand tighter so that we won't lose you again. 

-

Epilogue

It was Christmas season but here you were hunched over your laptop, typing out the last few segments of your report for submission in 2 hours time. You were shivering badly in the cold; today was unnaturally cold with heavy snowfall and the heater was broken. You tried to ignore the biting cold and focus on the task at hand. Right at the moment, Jae walked over with a snuggie and draped it over your shoulder.

"Stay warm baby."

"Thanks Jae." You kissed the back of his hand before letting him go. Despite the additional layer, you were still shivering and you had to breathe some heat into your palms every few minutes to prevent your fingers from going numb. 

"Here baby." Before you could register what was happening in your slow mind, a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Jae now had a regular blanket wrapped over himself as he wriggled his awkward body into the space between you and the couch. Spreading his legs out, he pulled you into his embrace as he wrapped his arms around your frame. The finishing touch was his head upon your shoulder as he stared ahead at your laptop screen. He was essentially koala-hugging you. 

"Jae?"

"I'll keep you warm as you finish the report. Just write." He then kissed your temple before closing his eyes to rest whilst squeezing you slightly. Finding your way out of the thick blanket and his long arms, you rapidly typed out the last few segments and managed to hand in the report an hour early.

Closing your laptop softly, you turned back to Jae to slowly rouse him. Rubbing your thumb along his cheek, you mumbled against the side of his lips. 

"Babe I'm done. You can wake up now."

"So fast?"

"Hmmm"

"That's great..." The end of his words dragged out as he let out a yawn, rubbing his eyes and stretched his hands above his head.

Taking advantage of his unguarded position, you decided to have some fun after a long day. Spotting the thin strip of his soft belly that was peeking out from underneath his blue stripped pyjamas, you launched a tickle attack, successfully catching him off guard. Jae yelped before bursting into laughter, completely unable to defend himself as he slowly deflated from laughing too much. Your mistake came when you decided to be nice; Jae immediately attacked from the sides and this went on till both of you somehow ended up on the couch with you on top of him. Once the giggles faded away, you looked down at the beautiful man that was now yours and some wire in your brain decided that now would be a good time to kiss him. Leaning down, you placed your lips on his and it made you giddy with happiness when you felt him smile into the kiss. 

Breaking away, your hands went to play with soft hair, running your fingers through them. All this while appreciating the beauty of this man that you can now call yours. 

"You should probably get some sleep, it's late."

And so you did. You fell asleep that night with your head tucked under his chin, your arms wrapped tightly around his torso.

[boffinblackleader]

Tagged!

I was tagged by milady @throughtheparadox. Rules: 
Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you’re finished, tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy! 1: Are you named after someone? 
I share my first name with my mother, but I go by my middle name. Curiously enough, it was the name of a doll my mother had when she was a child (Coppelia). She loved ballet then and it was a good idea… Even when it is odd to be named after a doll, I love the name because it is uncommon. 2: When was the last time you cried? 
Last night, out of frustration. I'm the producer in an improv show and we had a very difficult session because of one of my biz partners. I arrived home late and gave it a good cry to clean myself out. 3: Do you like your handwriting? 
I love it! I worked really hard in having good penmanship. 4: What is your favorite lunch meat? 
Does meatloaf count in here? I'm such a fan of meatloaf! 5: Do you have kids? 
No, and I don't want to. 6: if you were another person, would you be friends with you? 
I guess I would love to meet me, but then grow a little tired about trying to hang out with me and my busy schedule and my persistent problem with planning out my interactions. 7: Do you use sarcasm? 
A lot, can't help it, my favorite emojis are 😏😒 8: Do you still have your tonsils? 
Still here *opens mouth* * says 'aaaaaah'* 9: Would you bungee jump? 
Never in life!!!! Terribly scared of heights. 10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? 
Frosted Flakes! And I found a couple of really strange cereals that I love whenever I can find them —Honey Graham Toasters, and Cinammon toasts. 11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? 
I’m so lazy, I could have left @throughtheparadox answer in here 😬I never, ever untie my shoes to take them of, unless my feet are swollen and I find myself struggling more to get rid of a tied shoe than I would struggle bending down and untying it 😉 12: So you think you’re a strong person? 
Physically, sometimes. I'm the sort of person who would do better on an endurance test than in a stress-speed test. I also think that, as I've become more emotionally aware, I've also become stronger. 13: What is the first thing you notice about people? 
Their eyes… And their 'fatal flaw'. I tend to have trust issues, so I'm very good at finding where is the breaking point where each and every person in my life would stop being trustworthy. 14: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? 
I've worked a lot in loving myself as I am, but that doesn't mean that my power thighs and exuberant bottom are my faves. 17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? 
No pants for me today 😂 I'm wearing a dress, but I'm wearing aqua tights with aqua sneakers (and bright pink shoelaces, which I find really fun to wear) 19: What are you listening to right now? 
The sounds of the café I'm eating at. 20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? 
Probably, bright blue, or red violet. 21: Favorite smell? 
Petrichor (blame this word on Doctor Who) 22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? 
A student whose thesis I'm directing. 23: Favorite sport to watch? 
I used to love soccer, but lately I'm enjoying baseball and american football more. 24: Hair color? 
Dark black with lots of grey hairs that I've dyed blue for the third time this Monday. 25: Eye color? 
Reddish brown. 26: Do you wear contacts? 
Only when I'll be on the stage, or if I have a formal party. My glasses are a part of me since childhood. 27: Favourite food to eat? 
Tacos, desserts, meat, bread, cheese… 28: Scary movies or comedy? Romantic Comedy. If we are going to the cinema, probably action movies or superheroes, or any saga (Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, The Hobbit, Potter movies…) 29: Last movie you watched? A movie done by the husband of a good friend, 'Acapulco - Life Goes On' 30: What color of shirt are you wearing? 
Grey with white stripes 31: Summer or winter? 
Life in the tropics is a blessing… I prefer the season when it has stopped raining, but the weather is not too dry. Last year we had so much rain I really missed heat and sun! 32: Hugs or kisses? 
Hugs, even when I didn't like them when I was young. Right now I am a hugger. 33: What book are you currently reading? 
Research Methodology for Social Sciences. Blame it on the many thesis I'm advising or directing this semester 😕 34: Who do you miss right now? 
In this precise moment, a good friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while. 35: what is on your mouse pad? 
It's been years since I've stopped using mouses… Absolutely used to trackpads. 36: what is the last tv program you watched? 
Stranger Things, which I haven't watched and my husband found that unadmissible 😂. 37: What is the best sound? 
Wind through trees or in the beach (breeze). 38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? 
Both remind me of my father, but The Beatles were his choice to wake me up on Sundays when I was a child, and their music put the soundtrack of my very difficult teen years, so they are quite special for me. 39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? 
I had to search which city was farther from my own, and it seems to be Chicago. Such a pity, as I loved Bogota. 40: Do you have a special talent?
I've just came out of my therapist's office, so I feel really compelled to say 'freaking out and making a fuss'… but I won't 😁 My real talent is to have a lot of lyrics stored somewhere in my head and remembering them as soon as I listen to them again —I'm a human jukebox of sorts. I'm also quite good at appearing organized despite having a poor executive function, so I'll give myself credit for that. 41: Where were you born? 
Mexico City, food capital of the world (if you were asking why the power thighs 😉) I tag: @losethehours @uomo-accattivante @renniejoy @germanladybug1980 Tag me if you did. :)

[hollyeyoung-blog]

I am not kind

It is the time of year you’ll be getting an influx of self-reflective personal essays and articles about the approaching end of the year and the beginning of a new one. I guess you can count this among the fold, but at the risk of being annoying I’m going to push my luck and ask that you consider me as being the black sheep of the group. So, if you please, bear with me while I air some of my self-depreciating thoughts and watch me attempt (with all the grace of a drunk Gough Whitlam at a Young Liberals meeting) try to articulate my genuine, yet masked in sarcasm, thankfulness and hope for the future. 

This week, I had every plan to write about being kind to yourself, but I ran into some trouble. Yes, even at Christmas I found this difficult, feel free to chalk it up to my atrocious year. The trouble I’ve run into hasn’t been a lack of thoughts or convictions on the subject, but rather an entire lack of confidence and practice in the execution of any such so-called self-kindness. 

In short, I am not kind to myself and you shouldn’t listen to me on the subject. 

It does feel as if every other day there is some advice piece or personal essay on self-care or being kind to yourself and they’re all very nice. I read them, I nod… I think yeah, that makes sense, I’m sure I do that, but in truth I don’t. In fact, I do the opposite. I won’t bore you with the specifics…yet, but I’ve had a bad year. truly. Friends talk to me about all my important learnings and how I’m going come out the other end a stronger and wiser person. I’m glad they believe this and I hope they’re right. 

So, the marriage didn’t work out, you get not one but two triple figure bills at the same time, things aren’t working out at work, you lose your appetite, your plans for the future fall through… these are all shit. there is no denying this and I am not even going to bother wasting your time or mine by trying to dress them up as lessons in disguise, because they’re not. they are all entirely unrelated things that happened. We can chose to learn from them, or we can continue making the same mistakes. this is something only time will be able to tell. *side note: time is on your side and friendship is a privilege. 

Also, Trump really did get sworn in as President of the United States of America back in March, we didn’t dream that, it wasn’t some new version of the Mandela effect (sadly). 

At the time of writing this (isn’t it terrible I had to stipulate that?) there have been EIGHT school shootings in the U.S.A.

Severe flooding lead to deaths running into the thousands in India, Bangladesh, Nepal, Sierra Leon, Sri Lanka, Zimbabwe, Peru and China. Landslides in Colombia, the Democratic Republic of the Congo as well as snow avalanches in Afghanistan lead to hundreds of deaths, and major earthquakes in Mexico also lead to further deaths running into the hundreds.

 Here are some more natural disaster for the month of December alone. It’s a collection of natural disasters as well the knock-on effects felt by those living in the social and economic constructs imposed upon them within the criminality of late capitalism (she types arrogantly on her MacBook air). One headline reads “Debts add to disaster for climate-hit nations”. lovely…. 

oh yeah… and one million people in Puerto Rico are STILL without power, you know… only three months after Hurricane Maria. 

Also, women all over the world had to repeatedly endure the infuriating lecture that “not all men” hurt women and that getting angry won’t help us. Well, complicity hasn’t protected us much at any stage in history either. But thanks for your input Matt Damon, now kindly shut the fuck up.

(image nicked from a Facebook feed. If it’s yours please speak up)

Naturally this is not an exhaustive list of the 2017 shit. There are four days left of 2017 and that isn’t enough time to cover it all. 

But as for you, I’m sure you had your own shit going on too. 

Yeah…. that bad thing/things that happened to you this year? yes. it really did happen. 

Here comes a good thing…. a great thing that happened to me this year, was I learned to ask for help. I know this sounds dumb, but it was a revelation. I was musing earlier today with a friend about how isolating it can be when things go bad. You find yourself in shame spirals, even over things that were not your fault. However, as soon as you start talking, as soon as you begin to open up and become just a little bit vulnerable this magical thing happens… people start wanting to be there for you, friends from long ago call out of the blue and come back into your life. You start seeing the beauty in small kindnesses. Even strangers jump out of bushes screaming “MEEEEE TOO!!!! LETS HAVE COFFEEE OKKKKKKKK????”… no? was that just me? ok, that was me. 

Back to the point. 

We internalise our problems and blame ourselves. Hey, it’s what we do. This constant pushing of blogs and personal essays flying the positivity flag over look one thing, it’s healthy to feel sad and uncomfortable, maybe not all the time… but we aren’t robots…yet. Or are we??? what did I miss??? THE BOTS.

It’s totally human to feel like a failure. It’s well rounded to wonder what the hell the point in all this is and if there is even a place for you in this world. how could you ever possibly know what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive if you never considered why you’re even here? I realise this sounds bleak, and I promise this is not a cry for help (but it would be ok if it was, and it’s definitely ok if you need help. Do you need help?).

All I’m trying to say here is that if you don’t ever question what you tolerate, how could you ever possibly know why you tolerate it or if you should? 

Why do we tolerate debt, jobs we hate and people we could do without? No, really, I’m asking. why? In the stark light on the truest drunkest honesty, I’ve yet to have a conversation with anyone who has been able to attempt this question without crying. 

My wonderful housemate gave me a book for Christmas (books are my love language). This particular book is called You Do You, I’ve only just started it so no reviews yet, but so far, it’s been a laugh out loud type of read and already it’s done one thing for me. That one thing? it has drummed into me that I am a-ok. I really am. 

It has been a heck of a year, on both micro and macro levels. When considering what everything looked like this time last year, I certainly do not recognise this world, or even myself. Maybe, for better or for worse, you feel the same way. 

I think it will be ok. You know how I know? Because the world kept spinning, and so far, we’ve survived 100% of everything that has happened on this little blue ball. Truly, we’re fucking killing it. 

also, I’ve been listening to this  a bit today. Have a safe new years kiddies!