#I LITERALLY CANNOT THINK OF ANY OTHER EXPLANATION. OF WHY THIS HAS NOT BEEN DONE YET.

[hymnzz]

alice's relationship with the different sinners 🐇:

i am just rambling for funsies :-) they're all so dear 2 me... (utc cus i cant stop talking)

yi sang 🪶:

poetry buddies. sort of. at first, many of the sinners cannot understand yi sang, and therefore either ignored him or didn't pay him much mind. he's an odd, awkward sort of fellow, but instead of this fact pushing alice away, they only become more intrigued by him. alice's hyperactivity at first wears on yi sang, but eventually this actually grows on him. yi sang finds their... unique perspective on everything interesting, and takes a weird sort of pleasure in deciphering their words— much like alice has done for him.

faust 👻:

the pestered and the pesterer... alice is immediately taken with faust's extensive knowledge, but then more intrigued by the person she is underneath. more than anything, alice wants to see faust smile and laugh, and overall just enjoys talking to her. though most of the time faust will only respond with "i cannot grant access to that information at this time" alice will take this as a sign for him to start talking instead. this is less about alice's usual tales about their time in wonderland, but more about their several theories about the world around him. faust will occasionally chime in with her own knowledge— but it's mostly to shut down a theory that is getting progressively more far-fetched.

don quixote 🎠:

besties of all time. in fact it is advised to keep alice and don quixote away from each other, in order to preserve the peace of the bus. this is who mainly hears of alice's adventures in wonderland, and in exchange don quixote tells her own tales. if there's anyone who will follow don quixote's spontaneous bursts of carrying out justice, it's alice. not because they are particularly moved by that sort of thing, but because they think it would be interesting just to...do. they're very very similar character wise and while i didn't mean to do that.... they're so sillay together now that i dont necessarily regret it1!1!1

ryoshu 🚬:

i don't think alice takes their curiosity too far with ryoshu 😭 whereas most sinners will find alice annoying and end things there, ryoshu will just. kill them. it's not necessarily fear that keeps alice away, but the knowledge that their questions just won't go anywhere. that being said, i think the two of them could enjoy some brief banter at times. if alice were to kill an enemy in a way that catches ryoshu's attention, ryoshu might huff and say "N.B." while alice quite literally clicks their heels and jumps for joy.

meursault 🌇:

human jungle gym. alice's pet rock. meursault has a way of making alice laugh that not even he understands. he's just funny to him and alice gives no explanation as to why. that being said, it's not like meursault especially feels any sort of way about this treatment. he is also a victim of alice's yapping, but meursault's comments mainly consist of "That is incorrect." or "That is not physically possible." (the latter of which, alice has been able go prove him wrong due to their monster shenanigans.) meursault isn't especially close to anyone as of right now.......but i think he really is growing a lil soft spot for everyone ☹️

(they are that one tumblr post: "i told this guy he looks like a wrought iron gate and he just stood there. much like something else i know of...")

hong lu 🔮:

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT I HATE THIS GUY.

originally, two people just curious about the world and each other. alice is curious about hong lu's family (wealth is not a concept alice is very familiar with), whereas hong lu is interested in wonderland because it is so much different than the outside world he is just being introduced to. their conversations are pretty one-sided at first, though, with hong lu changing the subject from his past so often. it doesn't take long for alice to pick up on this, so introducing victim of alice yapping number.... holy shit is this number 5????

um once alice starts gaining feelings well. heh. im blowing up this fucking bus.

heathcliff ⛈️:

do not. do NOT. let alice near heathcliff. at least at the beginning of their relationship.

alice never saw heathcliff as a brute as he described himself, but they do find his temperament amusing. they kinda have a sibling dynamic, honestly. alice playfully annoys that man, and promptly, heathcliff beats them to death with his bat. unlike ryoshu, heathcliff's killing is straight and to the point, and at the very least alice will get something. post canto 6, heathcliff warms up to alice significantly.

ishmael ⛪:

... unlikely friends. i don't think they're the Closest but because alice has probably never seen the ocean, it really piques their interest that ishmael is a sailor! i think ishmael respects alice a liiiiittle bit just because they are the only other one to have read the manuals before missions. (information about the world around him!!!) i also think alice really enjoys ishmael's kind of??? dry sense of humor??? idk they find her silly!1!!22 they also really admire ishmael's determination. canto 5 went crazy and i think alice was watching intently as ishmael's arc progressed (to avoid spoilers 😭)

rodion 🪓:

rodya is the gossip of the whole gang, so while alice and her were friendly beforehand, their relationship really starts to bloom when alice starts having a crisis. she plays the role of a laid-back older sister, but alice is especially gentle with rodya when her cheerful mask starts to really slip. alice affectionately calls rodya their "axe buddy" which on occasion gets rodya to crack a smile, even if it is a bittersweet one. rodya is one of the people who sees the less hyper side of alice, and alice is sort of a keeper or rodya's secrets (the ones she's willing to share, at least).

sinclair 🐣:

the pestered and the pesterer...part 2. except alice doesn't even mean to bother sinclair, he is just constantly baffled by their existence. talking to alice for too long literally makes sinclair sick, and something about alice... unnerves him.

outis 👢:

alice is the WORST for the sort of militant personality that outis has. they don't get along well at first at all. outis commands respect and alice is quite intent on not giving it. there's a push and pull sort of thing going on— outis remarks that people who complain are weak, and alice makes a point to complain ten times louder. but when alice listens he can carry out orders well so outis doesn't start anything, really, because of that (and with some urging from dante).

um. i havent really figured out how they get into gay territory yet. but when i do trust this bus will be blowing up again.

gregor 🪲:

at first, gregor thinks alice is purposely ignoring his arm in order to spare his feelings and avoid making him uncomfortable— but this isn't exactly true. there is no awkward glances at his arm before snapping to his face, alice just. doesn't seem to notice it. the reality is, alice doesn't see his arm as unusual. compared to wonderland, having a bug arm is actually quite tame. alice and gregor kinda have a mentor/mentee relationship i think. gregor says something like "ah, you don't wanna hear this from an old man, huh?" and alice goes "I DO I DO!" like his words will become lost media if he doesn't say them aloud. alice also goes to him for advice, even if he can't help most of the time. not because he isn't wise or smart, but because alice's issues are incomprehensible. alice seems to look up to gregor, and while he appreciates it, the pessimistic part of him wonders why that is and how long it'll last. (UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭UUUUE😭🥺💧🥺😭 ue 💧ee😭🥺💧ue 🥺e e e😭 💧🥺😭Uueuuue.💧ue 😭🥺ee e🥺🥺😭eUEE 💧🥺💧EEE 💧💧😭EE H💧🥺😭E EUU💧🥺😭UUEHH🥺😭EUEH🥺 😭💧💧ue e😭😭eeeeee💧💧💧uu🥺😭 hh 😭🥺uUEEE🥺😭😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭UUUUE😭🥺💧🥺😭 ue 💧ee😭🥺💧ue 🥺e e e😭 💧🥺😭Uueuuue.💧ue 😭🥺ee e🥺🥺😭eUEE 💧🥺💧EEE 💧💧😭EE H💧🥺😭E EUU💧🥺😭UUEHH🥺😭EUEH🥺 😭💧💧ue e😭😭eeeeee💧💧💧uu🥺😭 hh 😭🥺uUEEE🥺😭😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭UUUUE😭🥺💧🥺😭 ue 💧ee😭🥺💧ue 🥺e e e😭 💧🥺😭Uueuuue.💧ue 😭🥺ee e🥺🥺😭eUEE 💧🥺💧EEE 💧💧😭–😭EE H💧🥺😭E EUU💧🥺😭UUEHH🥺😭EUEH🥺 😭💧💧ue e😭😭eeeeee💧💧💧uu🥺😭 hh 😭🥺uUEEE🥺😭😭 UEE😭🥺💧Eu💧💧E E😭😭 E EUE🥺🥺😭)

[royjamierot]

Roy and Jamie sharing a cold peach on their front steps on a hot summer day. (On the intimacy of sharing fruit)

this has been in my inbox foreverrr thank you for sending it because ive been thinking about it literally constantly. i wrote this and im so tired so im sorry if it's terrible hope you enjoy though!

Roy doesn't know how he ended up here, staring at Jamie, who's laughing with him on his front stoop. They had finished with practice, and grabbed some fruit from Roy's kitchen before walking outside to enjoy the weather as it cooled in the evening. They were talking about Jamie's stint on Lust Conquers All, and now Jamie is laughing at a comment Roy made about one of his costars.

"You know, people still come up to me to tell me they think me and Amy shoulda gotten married," Jamie and Roy both laugh at the absurdity. "I don't think I even have her number. I don't know her last name."

"The yoga mums always said that. They're always going on and on about how you and Amy just clicked. I never understood any of that shit, they told me it was- what is that dumb fucking-"

"Body science?" Jamie finishes for him smugly.

"Body science." Roy growls. "I don't understand what the fuck that means."

"Well, I'm fucking fit right?" Roy sees Jamie extend his arms in a questioning movement, and for a moment Roy doesn't realize Jamie is looking for a response. Roy glares at him. He doesn't answer seriously, too afraid of revealing something he shouldn't.

"You know what I think of your looks." Roy says, and Jamie laughs. It's a fucking lovely sight. Jamie's laugh is loud and unabashed, just like the man it belongs to. Roy feels his own lips lilt without his permission. Roy looks down at the soft peach in his hands, and murmurs something about Jamie's ugly hair. He doesn't mean it. He knows he doesn't.

"Everyone thinks I'm fit, you're just contrarian." Jamie nudges him, his eyebrows raised, and Roy looks back up at him. The sun catches his eyes and Roy notices flecks of yellow he's never seen before. He freezes slightly, something in Roy's body taken off guard. The skin of the peach is molded under the pressure of his hand tensing.

"Big word for a prat like you." Roy snipes back, hand relaxing, the marks from his grip left behind in the ripe fruit.

"Fuck off." Jamie says it offhandedly, without hesitation, and he fucking smiles too. Roy wonders when they got to the point that they both know he doesn't mean it.

"Anyways, body science. No matter what your dark-ages gecko brain tells you, I'm fit as fuck, and so was Amy. That's body science. Two fit people existing in the same room." Jamie illustrates his point with a nod at the end of his sentence, and a half serious look, like he's really educating Roy on something.

"That cannot be it." Roy almost laughs at the absurdity.

"Nah, it is mate. Isaac explained it to me." Jamie assures.

"I've heard Isaac talk about it and he did not fucking say that."

"Okay maybe that's my explanation of it, but that's what body science is on a show like Lust Conquers All. The whole show is based on body science."

"Do you mean sexual tension?"

"No, that's different, I have that with everyone." Jamie grins at him, and Roy rolls his eyes.

"You're a right twat." Roy says.

"You still have me around." Jamie tells him, like they're not sitting around hanging around even though their practice has been done for over an hour.

"I'm not sure why." He says it, but he does know why.

"Who would you take your anger out on every morning?"

"Some other dickhead who deserved it."

"Aw, don't say that, I thought we had something special." Jamie makes eyes at him that would look somehow more in place on a puppy, but also somehow fit Jamie.

Roy just looks at him, and shakes his head. Jamie takes a bite of his own peach, undented and orange and ripe.

He takes a big bite out of the side of the peach, and Roy watches him chew for a moment before he notices everything about Jamie and has to look away.

"Fuck, that's good." Jamie basically fucking moans and Roy isn't a strong enough man to not look back.

The juice of the peach drips down Jamie's well sculpted jaw as he takes another bite. It almost drips off entirely but instead falls on his jawline. Roy's fingers crave to reach out and wipe it off. They don't. Instead, he runs his fingers over the indents in his own fruit.

Jamie takes another bite, and notices Roy just watching him.

"This peach is fucking lush, you should have yours." Jamie advises through a mouthful. It does nothing to help the situation on his chin and his lips, suddenly shiny and sticky with the juice of the fruit. Roy can't find it within himself to look away, or to stop holding his own peach too tightly, damaging the skin ever so slightly.

It takes him aback, how much he notices the juice on his face.

Jamie hums after his bite is finished. Roy looks away when Jamie almost catches him staring. He looks down at the peach in his hand and the marks he's made in it. Holding it up to his lips, he takes a bit. His face scrunches. It's too soft, and slightly sour.

"Mine's no good. Overripe." He turns the peach over in his hands, the deep marks from little pressure making sense. The fruit is almost mush in his hands. He sets it on the concrete knowing he can't eat anymore.

"Shit. Try mine." Jamie holds his peach out, and Roy can't look at it. Why would he? Jamie is right here in front of him.

"I'm not eating your half eaten scraps."

"No, you don't get it, it's the best peach I've had in my life, you gotta try it." Jamie insists, shiny juice still coating his lips and chin. Roy wants to lick it off.

His brain goes fuzzy, the way it does when his body overrides his ever working mind, and does something stupid. There's one thought in his head, and it's Jamie.

"Okay." Roy murmurs. His hands move of their own accord, and one finds itself cupping Jamie's chin, pulling him closer to Roy. Jamie goes with his hand.

"Tell me to fuck off again. Tell me you don't want this." Roy tells Jamie, their breath mingling from their few inches of space, their noses almost bumping.

"I want this." Jamie says, and Roy is gone. He kisses Jamie like he's trying to consume him whole, trying to taste him. He bites Jamie's bottom lip like it's the fruit itself. Jamie smiles against him. It's so good he doesn't think the fruit could possibly be better. His thumb rubs Jamie's chin, and he pulls away. Jamie instinctively chases him, and Roy smiles.

Roy's thumb collects the dripping juice from Jamie's chin, and he tastes it.

"Mm. Good."

Jamie stares at him, shaky grin occupying his face, and he holds up the peach.

"Try it." Roy takes a bite, and it's good but he was right. It's not comparable to the taste of Jamie.

"Good. Not you though." He murmers though half lidded eyes, diving in for another kiss.

[agentrouka-blog]

Targaryens were not magically attracted to each other, it was social conditioning that made it ok for them to be so. Cultures where cousin marriage is allowed, cousins do feel attraction and love towards each other. Cultures where its seen as taboo, no one would even think like that. Its the same for sibling incest. No normal person wakes up one day and gets attracted to their sibling or someone they think of as a sibling, there are always some influencing external factors. You can say Jaime/Cersei but they were influenced by Tywin's ambition of wanting to be like Targaryens. His mentality that Lannister are superior to other lesser mortals is exactly that of Targaryens and this reasoning is what Jaehaerys used to justify sibling incest. So Jaime and Cersei literally grew up hearing this, why won't they think its okay for them to love each other like Targaryens, after all their father wanted to be like them in all other aspects? This is why I think its impossible for Jon to ever feel attraction towards Arya and vice versa, because they wholeheartedly think of each other as siblings and they have grown up without any conditioning that makes sibling incest okay, meanwhile with Sansa there is always the added factor of them considering the other 'half' sibling, its not always spelled out but they are written in such a way that we do get the gist they love each other but its not the same as with their other 'actual' siblings. George has really done his best to lay the ground to make any romantic relationship between digestible lmao.

(post referenced)

Hi anon!

Ah yes, that non-existent magical Targ attraction that is invoked to cover up the level of generational trauma and legacy of abuse and indoctrination that informs these "choices".

I mean, this sure as hell is not meant to be viewed with alarm, I suppose:

Daenerys said nothing. She had always assumed that she would wed Viserys when she came of age. For centuries the Targaryens had married brother to sister, since Aegon the Conqueror had taken his sisters to bride. The line must be kept pure, Viserys had told her a thousand times; theirs was the kingsblood, the golden blood of old Valyria, the blood of the dragon. Dragons did not mate with the beasts of the field, and Targaryens did not mingle their blood with that of lesser men. Yet now Viserys schemed to sell her to a stranger, a barbarian. (AGOT, Daenerys I)

If he had been nicer to her, would Dany have coped with this expectation by talking herself into a devoted attraction to her heroic older brother who protected her all her life? Much like Sansa invented a palatable reality with Joffrey after the Trident?

And the thing is, never mind Cersei and Jaime those two warped Targ-cosplayers, even relationship between Jon and Sansa is absolutely due to a traumatic fracture within the Stark family dynamic.

Ned's claimed infidelity, Jon's resulting bastardy, and most of all the patriarchic power Ned had, to place Jon into the rest of their family without any explanation or any consent from Catelyn... that's a massive ripple in what otherwise masquerades as harmonious and respectful mutual treatment. It introduces the brutal power differential between men and women, between upper and lower classes right into the middle of their childhood home.

For most of the siblings this is a thing they block out enough to foster a close relationship with Jon - and they ignore or cannot yet grasp what this truly means for him, for Catelyn, for society in general. But they do know, from Bran to Arya to Robb, they know.

And so does Sansa, and her comparative isolation from the boys and identification with Cat's role makes her perhaps the most aware of what Jon represents, for himself and for her. Double realities and denial are a defensive trait she develops. As is her idealisation of romance.

His identity and the way he grows up privileged but without permanence - it others Jon. Not only to his family, but also to himself, who grows up with (to him) shameful longings for unattainable things, and a fear of the social prejudices against his core character. He has no normal relationship with himself, with his desires, with his identity.

The mix of distance and closeness, the discomfiting breach of a social boundary in the pursuit of a deep-seated longing for repair... that's definitely a part of Jonsa. They are receptive to each other in a way they normally would not be. They are a bit wonky that way. But unlike with the Targaryren practice of incest, theirs is a voluntary, spontaneous attraction they will freely struggle with or act upon at their own volition.

Basically, while the relationship becomes "magically" okay through the surprise revelation of RLJ, we are still talking about an attraction and romance that would not be happening if they had not also grown up warped at their core.

Luckily for them, there is that escape clause.

You did it to yourself, Ned.

[shellxrls]

cw for (light) discussions of noncon

first of all, ddne is an umbrella term. it's sole purpose is literally to act as a warning to emphasise that you will find dark and triggering content on my blog, not to specify the type of triggering content because there could be a variety of thing that aren't going to appear consistently (namely, you’re calling me out for writing rape but i’ve only written 2 noncon fics, and the rest of the dddne content on my page has been due to other things). it’s an initial warning that literally stands to indicate: you will definitely find dark and triggering content somewhere on this blog and read at your own risk!!

these forewarnings - before you even click follow or look at any of the other contents on my blog - essentially mean that you cannot be mad if you end up viewing dark and triggering content on my blog, a page that literally explicitly states it contains dark and triggering content - you should've just left my blog seeing that as a warning and knowing you didn't like noncon (which is a strong element of dark fics & ddne content).

secondly, i clearly and explicitly mark everything triggering that i post/rb with the appropriate and specific triggers beforehand - both in the tags and in the warnings. so its not like you (or anyone else) can’t just block out the tags ‘cw noncon’ & ‘cw rape’ if you have an issue with seeing that type of content at all, that way you have a direct filtering system and you won't have to see any of that type of content.

thirdly, the dddne warning is there for a variety of reasons, not just to warn others. for one, to avoid scenarios like this where i'm unfairly called out - if you don't like something, simply don't read it. i have enough warnings throughout my entire page to prevent you from actually going through the process of reading what may be triggering for you, and if you make the choice to read a noncon fic all the way through, i'm sure you would've also read the content warnings and actively made the choice to disregard the triggers.

i apologise if even the words noncon or rape are triggering (and even seeing them in the content warnings triggered you), as i understand they could be, but then it circles back to the fact that i have a massive dddne warning on my pinned post in the first place - which means you should’ve just clicked off my blog/blocked me knowing that dddne explicitly indicates you could eventually find triggering content.

lastly, i’m not going to go into an in depth explanation on why i shouldn’t be penalised for ‘writing rape’ and i don’t owe it to you to explain why i personally choose to engage with or write noncon content. but i will say that fiction is there for a reason and writing is an outlet for people to explore things - especially dark media and traumatic situations - the important thing is that it’s done in a safe, controlled way and in the end, it’s not real. people cope in different ways and writing is actually an incredibly healthy way to do so. as long as everyone is over the age of 18 (as they should be to be on my blog) - able to think rationally, consent and form objective opinions about these kind of topics - then i’m not actively hurting anyone by producing this kind of content.

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT:

I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that Persephone really got intimate with someone despite her sexual trauma and we just glossed over it like it did not matter. I don’t see how anyone could be satisfied or okay with this shit since the situation was a huge plot point for years, not months, YEARS. Yet the time when it finally came up to it everything was rushed and never spoken about again, like Persephone’s trauma is important and I don’t can’t understand how no one ever questioned that.

Like I keep saying in these damn rants, Hades has a plethora of explanations for his trauma and whole dedicated chapters towards Kronos and being eaten. Everything he does ties back to it and it’s clear that this affected him in a major way since we were able to actually see how different he was after the fact. We know so much shit about the Kronos situation yet we barely know bits and pieces about Persephone’s trauma and that gets on my fucking nerves, am I asking anyone to be descriptive? No. Am I asking anyone to speak on it every other chapter? No, but what I am asking is why didn’t it actually matter. The assault felt like it was only there to establish a bad guy, it also felt like it was only there to make Hades a knight in shining armor to save Persephone mainly because nothing she did up until then made any fucking sense. Something terribly traumatic happened to you and you’re telling me you’re going to tell that very personal and vulnerable piece of information to a guy from a party you got absolutely wasted at, ended up in his home, almost got attacked by his dog, and was offered to have sex with him over the slightest bit of shoulders revealing themselves. That’s absolutely manufactured, it doesn’t even make sense in the story at all which makes me feel like it was set up just so Persephone would have a reason to talk to Hades.

Which I personally feel is really fucked up, why did anyone think it was a good idea to have her assault be the reason why they’re made for each other? Persephone could’ve called him for literally anything else to build their friendship since she already was under the impression that they were friends, I don’t understand why she would trust him of all people when he was literally trying to get in her pants out of nowhere. And then every single thing tied to Apollo and her trauma in later chapters always somehow involved Hades, FOR NO REASON. It’s been established that she has a completely different support team that doesn’t even include Hades yet he’s the main one always there whenever she “needs to be rescued”, there’s no way that this wasn’t used as a fucking ploy to push these two together. It’s obvious that Hades isn’t a great person at all, like genuinely fuck the whole “he’s not perfect but he’s trying :(“ thing he’s just irredeemably bad, and by the looks of it he would never be a good husband or partner for Persephone so Rachel had to do something to cover that up and like everything with Hades it was ultimately the bare minimum.

It’s just so fucked up to me. You can’t even deny it either because there are dozens of stories (romance) where the main character has something absolutely traumatic done to them and the love interest just so happens to be there to “fix” them or “save” in this case. It’s very popular and I’m not saying that it’s always all bad, the way that you execute the trauma and the way that your characters interact with it are what makes it either really bad or really good. With Lore Olympus though, it had to be the worst case of this honestly because not only did you rush the healing process just so they could screw each other smoothly but you also made a complete mockery of it. I’m sure there’s a bunch of people who relate to Persephone’s story and I don’t want to knock them nor am I criticizing them and I understand that not all survivors are going to react the same, there’s millions of people on this Earth and since we’re not clones of each other we’re always going to share major differences, but this is just so incredibly bad. You have Persephone literally resting in the bed that she got assaulted in with a man, you have this man touching her and invading her personal space multiple times without asking days after this happened, and you have a man that you need to comfort while you tell him your own trauma. You see how none of this makes sense? I know not all survivors react the same I know it and I feel bad for even pointing this out but at the same time you’re going to be affected by stuff like this.

This was days after it happened everyone, days. Not weeks, not months, not years, not decades, and not even centuries. Days after Persephone experienced a huge violation of her body in her own room and she does not worry or think about it once when she’s with Hades. This stuff does not just go away, trauma never goes away because what’s done is done sadly your brain and body has already been affected and you may not be able to revert back to the person you were before. Of course there’s ways to make your trauma less prominent and less of a problem for your everyday life whether it be medically assigned pills, therapy visits, and other supportive resources that specialize in things such as that but it’s never just going to disappear from your life entirely. It’s going to follow you like a dark cloud and it’s going to control your every move especially when it’s just happened, it’s a massive impact on a person no matter how big or small which is why stuff like this needs to be taken more seriously. So many people expect you to get over it and forget about it but you can’t because it’s not something that you can forget so easily, it’s draining and it’s consuming and sometimes it’s very isolating. Which is why I appreciated the therapist episode since it really does showcase just how daily it can be and how it just molds itself apart of your everyday life but sadly I know it’s very clearly just trying to appease readers’ concerns about Persephone’s trauma being forgotten which makes me have another problem to talk about.

How am I supposed to believe that Persephone was struggling with this stuff almost everyday when there’s nothing alluding to that fact. Persephone rarely has any symptoms or experiences the effects of trauma unless Hades can be involved somehow, her trauma is only important and valid when the story can use it for romance and I think that’s again, very fucked up. You don’t see Hades’ trauma only being brought up so Persephone can fix them, he just says them and we can see how even though it’s been centuries he’s still dealing with the long term affects but you don’t see the story using it as a ploy to get them together (mainly), no one’s using Hades being swallowed up by his own father as a kid as some cute moment for Persephone to take him to dinner or something this treatment only happens to Persephone. If her trauma can’t be cute in some way then it’s not going to be shown and it’s again, very insulting.

Anyways, I will end this rant here yet I will never not be upset at the fact that Rachel only made Persephone “heal” just so she could give us the most unnatural intimate scenes ever. Endgame for them was just having sex and I think it’s so incredibly mind boggling that we’re supposed to look at this in a romantic sense, nothing about this is romantic and it’s very obvious that this was just used as “drama” which should’ve never been the case in the first place.

[mae-i-scribble]

After watching Across the Spiderverse for the second time, I think I’ve finally managed to put into words what about Miguel’s characterization made me so conflicted. Obviously spoilers below.

While Miguel is clearly intended to be a sympathetic antagonist I don’t think that intention is fully realized in the movie, because from the minute we meet him, we know that he’s wrong in his conclusions. Miguel is supposed to be a “the ends justify the means” archetype, but after his explanation on why canon events cannot be disrupted Miles immediately points out the obvious- how can his father dying being a canon event when it is cause by a dimensional anomaly? And more than that, based on Miguel’s logic Miles’ world should have collapsed long ago because it was missing its Spiderman, a person who was not meant to die in that timeline. It’s the same as replacing a person who was meant to die only now there’s a gaping hole in the world where a person was meant to exist. Also- nothing about what happens in Into the Spiderverse is a result of any canon disrupting phenomenon, nothing could have been done to prevent it and none of what happened is Miles’ fault. (there’s more evidence against Miguel’s logic but these were the most obvious ones to me). One of the most crucial aspects of a sympathetic antagonist is being able to sympathize with *why* it is they do what they do. Miguel’s logic hardly holds up past its introduction which means that gets thrown out the window very quick as a viewer.

The next thing then, would be for us to see how Miguel leads the other spider people and what makes him into such an inspiring leader to these thousands of heroes. And the movie... doesn’t really show us much of that, to be honest. The best moment we get is when Miguel is explaining the concept of canon events to Miles, because he is genuinely understanding and empathetic. It’s very compelling to his portrayal- but for me it was overshadowed by his anger. The moment Miguel meets Miles, the first thing that he does is chuck something at the kid full force towards his head. And then in the chase afterwards, Miguel gets increasingly more violent and spiteful towards Miles because Miles’ keeps angering him- which is something that is expected of him from the other characters- Gwen is visibly nervous at the idea of Miles speaking to Miguel at all. Jessica is also well aware of these angry outbursts when she warns Gwen about failing to catch the Spot. All these things, along side the final scenes of the movie giving him solid red as his backlighting serve to make him seem far more villainous than antagonistic in his narrative role.

About his introduction with Gwen, I do think it gives him that sympathetic light, but it is important to point out that he only begrudgingly gave into Jessica’s request when Gwen had literally nowhere else to return to and then the moment she messes up he sends her home (theoretically back to that exact terrible scenario where he dad wants to arrest her) with no support. So for me its still kinda ://

I don’t consider Miguel a villain, and I’m really interested to see what they do in this next movie with his character because I do believe he’s going to get redeemed. And I genuinely think that he believes in his cause based on the terrible tragedy he had to endure, but that something about what happened with him is different than what is happening with Miles and the other worlds’ canon events. Honestly I wish we had seen more of the citadel and Miguel outside of Miles’ introduction to it. It’s clear that Miles himself is a very sore spot for Miguel which doesn’t make him the most objective character to see Miguel through.

Also on that note, Jessica Drew has a lot of the same issues as Miguel on a smaller scale because while she’s amazing for her introduction scene, after that she’s downright rude and dismissive of Gwen at every turn despite claiming Gwen to be her “star pupil” (this was said sarcastically while she was berating Gwen). While I understand why Jessica was so upset- Gwen really and truly did mess up by letting the Spot escape. It’s hard to see her as a good mentor when that anger is 90% of what we’re seeing out of her in the movie. It’s only at the end when Gwen gets a few sympathetic glances from her that she seems more similar to how she was in her introductions. The movie was packed to the brim as is but I do wish they had even more runtime to expand on these things. I want to believe in the sympathetic nature of both these people but the movie gives very fleeting attempts at doing so.

[tooclosetothestaars]

STUPID VENT (this is kind of embarrassing for me)

No one knows just how much I hate that stupid woman who brought me into existence. Yes this is disrespectful and I really, really don't care. I don't think she even deserves my respect, I think she deserves to be referred to this way, because this is how angry she has made me with the things she has done. So, it's really not that terrible.

The amount of HATE I have in my heart for her cannot be described with words. I truly, truly hate her so much and cannot stand her. For the longest time of my life, the person I used for hate the absolute most in the world and in my life was my sister. Now it's my mother. Why is it that my family members have to be the ones I absolutely hate from the bottom of my heart? There is NO ONE ELSE THAT I HATE AS MUCH AS I HATE THEM. I don't even HATE anyone outside of them at all. Why is it that the people I am forced to live with are the ones who have to be like this and who I have to hate so much? How can this be? Could I not have had a better family, this is the family I end up with, all of whom I hate so deeply and am so disgusted and irritated by? I don't think I will ever hate anyone as much as I hate my mother and sister.

Today morning after already being absolutely horrible beyond words and way worse the morning before she enraged me so deeply, I was crying tears of anger, I'm saying I was not WEEPING or just shedding tears I was genuinely sobbing and wailing and I was so enraged, if someone saw me in that state they would be horrified and concerned and if no one was there and I was free to make noise, I would've screamed and sobbed out of anger but of course, I have not once been free to cry the way I normally want to but I've been forced to cry silently and it's so painful. I was genuinely exasperated, so deeply exasperated. I was SEETHING. I don't know why it's so hard to be me. Being who I am is so hard. Anyway I literally hate EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE AND WORD that comes out of her mouth, SHE SAID SO MANY DAMAGING, HARMFUL, INVALIDATING, JUST ABSOLUTELY WRONG THINGS YESTERDAY AND TODAY IT'S LIKE..TOO MUCH. It's like when a person does sooooo many things that are absolutely wrong and infuriate you and you are so deeply shocked it's like you become numb and don't even feel any anger because no amount of anger you feel would be an appropriate reaction to what has happened so you just don't feel anything at all, that's how I feel the other morning. And this morning I actually "felt". I couldn't help but cry, I I am so helpless and I've been feeling this way for so many years while living with these people and having my terrible experiences, I don't know why I'm alive, I don't know why I exist to only have a life like this. There is so much I have to say about all this, about what happened, that it overwhelms me. It's especially shocking to hear everything she said because I have actually told her how both her and my father are terrible parents and SO MUCH MORE like countless times, like I mean literal speeches in writing, and after reading allll of that, all my explanations, she STILL thinks she can act this way? I've actually realized now that she understood NOTHING and she understands nothing. No matter what I tell her, what insights I offer her, how angrily I tell her everything, she is never ever ever going to understand. I think my whole family is really stupid...I genuinely have good reasons for thinking that. There is no way they would be like this if they were more intelligent. My mother has to be fucking stupid. And she is so oblivious.

I felt so exasperated and infuriated by her words and behavior I just wanted to die..I genuinely cannot stand her. This is so hard to explain and I can't even go into detail and explain every single thing she said because I don't even remember every single thing she said but I clearly remember how bad it was and how it made me feel, and also she wasn't speaking to me in English, of course. The way she speaks to me, the tone she uses, the words she uses, the sentences that come out of her mouth, the way she acts and the way she says everything she says and how she goes on and on and on...it exasperates me soooo deeply and infuriates me. I think I have absolutely wild self-control, it's INSANE how I'm able to hold back and not do or say a single word while something terrible is happening to me and I'm feeling such intense emotions so deeply. I don't know why I have this dumb ability but I honestly wish I didn't control myself so well and could just snap and say EVERYTHING. How can a person feeling so much anger have such insane self-control, I really don't fucking know. Why is it so hard being who I am. No one has ever understood me, what I'm going through, my anger and pain and suffering, I've always been alone with it all, and I've been misunderstood by my family. I hate saying it because it makes it sound like I'm trying to be pitied but this is genuinely and truly how it has been. No one is ever there to witness what I'm going through and to understand my feelings or anything. And I am so inexpressive and silent all the time, I'm unable to express what I feel and think verbally..

I'm not even ashamed to admit that I imagined killing my own mother in my head because of how angry I was. Honestly, I wish I could hold a weapon while standing before her and show her how much I hate her and cannot stand her. Anytime she touches me I feel so angry.

[memeticsdivision]

For the ask game (feel free to pick and choose) 1, 3, 11, 19, 24, 25?

i like this ask game a lot so ill do my best to answer all of these!

(it gets long so answers are under the cut)

1.) how would you describe the world your story takes place in? essentially our world, but like the universe of scp. supernatural, paranormal, and anomalous things exist but are hidden behind a veil of normalcy. a big part of that, for example, is that ideas and concepts created or held in collective belief by people can be given shape, form, and become real (i.e tulpas and thought-forms), which is the in-universe explanation for things like ghosts, some cryptids, and other paranormal things.

as it relates to moratorium, reality is a very prominent aspect of this world, since because concepts and ideas can become real, reality is a malleable structure. reality benders are humans (humans is a dubious way to refer to them though for numerous lore reasons) who are able to directly impose their ideas and beliefs onto reality and make minimal to major changes based on whatever ideas they have for it. there aren’t a lot of them, and they’re very, very rare, which is why the universe hasn’t collapsed because of a catastrophic change yet, but fenris is one!

3.) any recurring images/elements? mannequins, fire, rain/thunderstorms, dereality, and ofc time loops

11.) give a general summary of the plot/world/characters. oh jeez its really hard for me to summarize things SDHGFJHSDFG so ill do my best

the story goes that, on the night of the death of fenris’ parents five years prior to the start of the game, several things went wrong. there was a fire that started suddenly, someone in the home with them that shouldn’t have been there that night, and the fact he was the only one who survived. five years later, he’s an adult now (just turned 20). he is chronically depressed, burdened with years of unprocessed childhood trauma, cannot relate or connect to the world around him, and is desperately trying to be normal while having reality bending powers that he hates since they remind him hes Not Normal and have basically done nothing but ruin his life.

part of getting older and out in the real world though is that he’s starting to process how messed up his life has been. and he does not like it. so he starts rapidly repressing and compartmentalizing all of his issues and trauma so he doesn’t have to think about it anymore. unfortunately, his powers give that trauma a place to go, and he creates physical manifestations and representations of his personal demons and fears that are placed in the town he stayed following his parents death, port rosnu.

one of those manifestations, cernunnos, is very unhappy with being created as a copy of him but exclusively all of the parts of himself he hates and all of the trauma he worked to repress, and starts reaching out to him in his dreams to lure him back to port rosnu. eventually it works, and when he gets there, he learns several awful truths he spent years trying to forget. he also accidentally creates a time loop that resets whenever he dies which keeps him trapped there, forcing him to face everything hes repressed and everything hes done

tdlr: a severely mentally ill orphan with an emotional detachment from reality has reality bending powers. mistakes ensue

as for character summaries i’ll keep these short but basically:

fenris (he/him) the protagonist. a reality bender with a fucked up connection to reality due to heavy childhood trauma and like no motivation to do anything in life because he’s spent all of it running from his past, said trauma and how it affected him, and Himself (aka he has wildly rampant self loathing). has one million issues and disorders

cernunnos (they/it): the literal manifestation of those one million issues and disorders. a copy of fenris, but specifically all of the “bad” parts he doesn’t like about himself, who goes insane because of all of the trauma they got forced onto them and, since they cannot kill themself, decides the only way to be free is to kill fenris since he’s the one who made them

mor (she/her): a recreated version of fenris’ deceased abusive mother but specifically of how he wishes she was, nicer, more loving, and more accepting. unfortunately, she’s also a literal monster. she fully accepts her identity as his mother and is VERY obsessed with him and the idea of reuniting with him, but has also come to the conclusion that in order to make a happier family, she needs to kill him in order to reunite all of them in death and also so she can have him by her side forever and she will never have to lose him ever ever again.

19.) describe the sillies you think about but that dont go in the story. pre-plot shenanigans amongst the denizens (aka the monsters in the story, including mor and cernunnos). they didn’t have much to do so in my head its like a sitcom where everyone hates each other. but in-canon its not like that

24.) best scene youve written? i haven’t written a whole lot in the land of google docs, but probably fenris meeting cernunnos (hopefully ill finish it soon e_e)

25.) best scene you havent yet written, but have an idea for? i can’t really go into heavy detail since that requires lots of plot details, but the finale.

[autism-connoisseur]

tjoughts on bro strider?

i know i just said it but !!! so far i. dont know??????? like i have a lot of Hms about the way he raised dave especially about how he. apparently frequently beats his ass BUT!!!! to say that he doesnt love dave would be a lie i think because he did raise him at the end of the day, and he also protected him from the meteor and i just KNOW this guy has the Older Brother instincts. you cannot see a cute baby and decide to call yourself his Brother and not have the Older Brother instincts. and theres another thing!!! hes dave's bro, not dave's dad, so i think it would be fair to assume that hes the youngest guardian??? he must have been 20 when he found dave and i get that raising a kid when youre fundamentally a kid yourself isnt easy.

but like i cant Ignore how the way he brought up dave has given him a lot of issues and trouble expressing his emotions ((similarly to rose, i think mom lalonde and bro are very similar in that they care for their kids but they were literally thurst into their hands out of the blue, and they had some Issues they needed to sort out first to be a Good Parent; more obvious with mom and her alcoholism i think but bro has this too)). then again we dont know how bro was raised ((or at least i dont know yet, if they ever tell us)) and maybe he genuinely thinks hes doing whats best for dave. i dont want to get in too deep about how i also think that the fact that theyre both men might have a play in this too ((perpetuating toxic masculinity; also in a way similar to how roses relationship with her mother appears to me very influenced by the fact that theyre Mother & Daughter specifically)) but uh its a point to consider imo.

i just. i truly believe that like every other guardian he loves his baby brother. i also believe that hes never been taught how to properly express emotion, that hes basically a teenager when he finds dave, that he doesnt know what hes doing but he cant let it show because hes Too Cool for that, that hes been told that Men Are Tough and thats what he tries to teach dave albeit in an enterely wrong way ((i mean the idea itself is wrong but you get it)). basically i think he can be very interesting from what i know about him so far!! ill probably update this later on because theres no way were done with him or with any other beta guardian for that matter. but also i can understand perfectly why people wouldnt like him because he did basically abuse dave so.

tldr jurys still out with him but hes very interesting to me and im hoping that the story gives us any sort of explanation about why he is the way he is. i love sibling dynamics so im rotating him & dave in my brain 24/7 also i literally talked about this w my gf like 5 hours ago

[thescentofrainonstone]

Why is it always about Him?

So either you got a crush on a character someone created or on the old style of Stephenie Meyer and even more recently Deborah Harkness, you write fiction to self insert yourself.

50 shades of grey was born as Twilight fanfic and its main audience was... Mums on their 30s , 40s and over.

Why? Simplistically for the same reason I reckon Stephenie Meyer wrote twilight at all: to escape somehow the frustration of living within the very strict confines of housewifeship, with a husband and 3 boys, in a Mormon contest. I mean who wouldn't lock themselves away to dream about someone powerful and wealthy to whisk them up and save them from that kind of life? I get it.

But why in every story that wants *HIM* to notice either the empty vessel protagonist in which you can pour yourself ( hello Mary Sue) or actually *you* given all the fanfic X reader or OC that really is potential reader, the point remains to describe... Him?

I mean, self insert right? Deborah Harkness with A Discovery of Witches is very blatant about it and I actually resent we didn't get a curvy Diana cast in the TV show. Even when the point is that she is writing herself as Diana to be the chosen one... She spends pages and pages going into minute detail about the "He", in this case Matthew, but you'd think she'd spend just as much if not more over Diana because... Well... This entire thing exists to elevate her, no? This entire thing you write exists to make *you* feel special and chosen... And even if it has to be left as generic enough for people to pour themselves into the aforementioned vessel... Why does it seem every Bella, every Diana, every Suki, every Elena... Don't get the treatment their male counterparts do? If Stephenie Meyer locked herself out of her entire cast ensemble's minds because she wrote from Bella's point of view, Deborah Harkness isn't shy about changing depending on the chapter, from the *I*s of Diana to the Third Singular Person who accidentally can also let transpire other character's thoughts. Cool, I'll take it.

Yet why do we have almost 4 pages of drooling over the first time we see Matthew and yet, special as we want to feel as Diana, nothing of the sort is given? Not really.

Same with Loki fanfictions of every flavour, shape, size.

Why do we want to be special but cannot spell out why and casually, all these characters are just innately special, no merit or work recognised?

And then it hit me: most of these stories are written by white, relatively comfortable, bored women. The main target audience for patriarchy objectification, who have basically been told from birth their value is intrinsically connected to their existence (read beauty) and unquestionable because the standard of culture aka Whiteness.

Put othering markers on them (fatness is the first that can be so quickly connected to its racist roots) and the frustration of not getting the Prince from Beauty and the Beast after they have done all culture told them they should (usually husband and children, with luck a degree that gets put second to the first 2) leaves them with this energy that has basically created fandoms, but still unable to vocalise why they are special other than existing (because whiteness as an idea born in the 1600s was supposed to become the birth lottery ticket where by doing nothing but being born white you were better than who was not).

And so we spend pages over pages getting flushed over the minutiae of male characters or even other female characters but not themselves, and the amazing reason why they will be chosen and loved will be intrinsic, something they had from birth and could not chose, let alone work for: for Diana is the magic, for Bella the blood who sings exactly Edward's tune, for Suki the blood as well but at least we try to go the fairy explanation, for Elena she's literally a doppleganget of Catherine.

Why has it never occurred to any of them to spend that time in the brain of their male character singing the praises of not only who they are but who they have become and grown to be?

[runninguplenorahills]

post more Yes! also from experience with my notes it's always a bit interesting to see people adamant about "the simplest/in hindsight most obvious thing is usually what the writers are going for" which, yeah. until it comes to sexuality debates where arguing for bi Mike needs So much hoop jumping. like how "boys only" comments are only meant to be taken literally when Will is making them or long explanations about how "it's not my fault..." wouldn't just end up being left as homophobia no matter how Mike really meant it. when "he was projecting" is Right There. simplest answer

Or how the family parallels are all of a sudden a hint that “Mike and El will not last but they were definitely in love once”, when “Mike never had romantic feelings for El” is right there lmao.

But bad takes from aspiring gymnasts aside, there are so many things that aren’t directly connected to what’s happening in the show which the people in the different camps (bi Mike/gay Mike) do that are just telling of what’s really Mike’s canon sexuality.

(Quick side note: i don’t mean that every single person in each camp has contributed to this but there are some things that have only happened in the bi Mike camp and things that have only happened in the gay Mike camp which I have picked up on over the past year. So again if you (general) specifically have not done any of these things that’s true and I’m not arguing against that but what I’m taking about exclusively happens/happened in your (general) camp).

For example what I said in my Doofenshmirtz post. I don’t know if there’s been more instances but I for once have seen two blogs that are openly bi Mike truthers post alternative arcs for Mike that do not include him being queer, trying to convince people that Mike wouldn’t be a jerk if he’s straight.

And why is this telling? Well, the bi Mike interpretation leaves unanswered questions. It does not explain everything we’ve seen of Mike in the show so there’s a whole lot of room for doubt. But instead of opening up their minds to Mike being gay instead of bi they think that if he’s not bi he’s gotta be straight (because for some reason people obsessively cling to the idea that Mike is attracted to girls). So they’re making up a super vague arc that somehow would explain Mike’s actions if he’s straight and tell people that Mike wouldn’t be a jerk if he was actually straight because they’ve become attached to Mike but can’t explain all of his behavior with the bi interpretation so they’re trying to make people still love him even if he was straight (even though Mike’s character would just objectively suck and be badly written if he was). And that just shows us how fucking fragile the bi Mike interpretation is.

Not once have I come across a gay Mike truthers who’s so insecure about the gay Mike interpretation that they’ve resorted to trying to explain how Mike’s character would still make sense if he was straight lmao.

Another example is the infamous question: “are all interpretations equally valid?” to which most gay Mike truthers answer with “no” while most bi Mike truthers answer with “yes”.

Gay Mike truthers analyze the show with the goal of finding out what the writers’ intention is. We’re analyzing the source material and our conclusion is that the writers’ intention is gay Mike which only logically means that not every interpretation can be equally valid as the writers’ intention cannot be both gay and bi Mike etc. The show cannot portray both, it portrays one or the other. Thus the gay Mike interpretation is more valid than the bi Mike interpretation because gay Mike aligns with the writers intention. It aligns with what the show is actually portraying. Which all makes sense given our standpoint,

So what does this tell us about bi Mike truthers saying that every interpretation is equally valid? Well, either it shows us that they’re insecure in their believe that bi Mike is actually the writer’s intention, or it shows us that they’re analyzing the show with a different goal entirely. That being just interpreting it for themselves which is also supported by the common argument that every interpretation must be equally valid since “everyone interprets things differently”.

And that’s outside evidence for the gay Mike interpretation being more valid for canon than the bi Mike interpretation if I ever saw one.

One thing that counts into this too is the fact that bi Mike truthers often preach that “every headcanon is valid” while simultaneously not listening to us when we tell them that gay Mike is not a headcanon! Which is actually just hilarious because they’re just confirming that they themselves see the bi Mike interpretation as a headcanon, while the gay Mike truthers separate these things because a headcanon is something that can be made without any regard to canon but gay Mike is the conclusion we got from exclusively analyzing the canon source material! Which makes it not a headcanon.

And my favorite difference between the camps truly is that saying “Mike is not gay” will get you notes from gay Mike truthers telling you that you lack media literacy, while saying “Mike is not bi” will get you notes from bi Mike truthers telling you that you’re biphobic.

And all of that is just kinda shows that Mike’s canonically gay which I got from simply observing the people from the different camps lmao.

[softmoonlite]

do you have proof that the uyghur genocide is fake? it's crazy to me that you think china cannot be a bad country when its modern history is coloured red by the violent suppression of its people. im not saying that western countries aren't purposefully driving up sinophobia with media, and the west is just as bad if not worse than china, but dear god you cannot seriously defend china as a country.

i am seriously defending china as a country. it’s modern history isn’t colored red. the chinese govt literally eradicated poverty like 2-3 years ago. y’all think the cpc is made up of evil powerful ppl when in reality it’s everyday citizens who make up members of cpc.

and yes in regards to the genocide being fabricated: it’s main “source” is from a “study” conducted by adrian zenz who is a far right antisemitic who believes it’s his “God given right” to “westernize china”. he is a bad man.

the xinjiang region is home to huge muslim uyghur population and china openly allows freedom of religion, which is why there are thousands of mosques there. in 2019, china invited UN officials to come visit the so-called “concentration camps” to see for themselves that no genocide is is happening. but for whatever reason they refused. if the UN actually cared about human rights then why wouldn’t they go to see the truth? the invitation still stands btw.

most famous pictures or videos you’ve seen of these camps have been proven false.

if anything, there are re-education sites where de-radicalization occurs to those most vulnerable to recruitment of ISIS and other terror organizations, especially after the terrorist attacks in china in 2009 from the ETIM. so these education sites HELP uyghur citizens that were victims or soon to be victims of recruitment from terrorist groups and are taught mandarin, skills to enter the workforce, and mental guidance to overcome the horrors they may have experienced (this is from a Khmer Times article called “China Focus: Unveil the truth of XinJiang vocationial education centers”).

all these lies that are fabricated against china is just to fuel another cold war against them by the west.

for more information i suggest you check out the Qiao Collective, a diaspora chinese media collective who’s efforts is to combat and challenge the U.S ongoing aggression on china. they also provide more sources that prove that the so called genocide is a lie. (here’s an example of a good article with plenty of reliable sources and explanations of what’s really going on: https://www.qiaocollective.com/education/xinjiang)

the chinese govt has done more for its people, especially their big muslim population, then any western country has or will ever.

[randomcontentdude]

I just woke up and its 1am, for the little time I was able to escape being awake I had to deal with this situation anyways, I dreamt of him. I am hurting right now, quite a bit. I am replaying everything and trying to figure where I went wrong, but did I ever go wrong? what was my mistake, what was the thing that lead to this outcome?

I can't help but wonder, what would have been enough for him to decide it was worth trying? It breaks me to imagine this carefully crafted person I made up in my mind going around with other men, it just breaks my heart.

I don't want to give any explanations, and I am just overwhelmed by the way things went. I am in shambles, I don't want to do anything but I know that if I give up myself into this feeling it won't take me anywhere productive, I can't stop. But also I cannot keep going with my life as if nothing happened, how could I have miscalculated so badly? this wasn't in my playbook and now im shocked. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Nothing makes sense and I feel like even tho I am older than him for exactly a week, I am a clueless child and he is an adult.

It has been a while since I made peace with the idea of never having a partner and if im honest it didn't really bothered me, but, I am still hurted this didn't go my way, because I really liked him and I felt I was never going to like someone the way I liked him. I juts feel like I want to lock myself in and never go into society again, im a joke. and there's so many things I don't understand, here where I start to believe and get insecure about the way I look, or maybe its my personality that drives them away, or maybe its my ambition what scares them but I. don't. fucking. know. I think im good looking, I think im funny and smart, and I think I am a good influence or help to those unsure of what to do. Yet I feel I always get flushed and I am not understanding why, I am pretty normal and im not smelly, my acne is under control and even if I don't have a glass skin, I feel like mine looks pretty nice, it looks healthy. My body is looking proportional and even defined in some parts. I just dont get it anymore, idk what is wrong with me, I don't get why im never enough.

It's always me the one that fooled around but then decide to get discarded and even though I have wondered multiple times, I have no idea of what's wrong, what am I doing wrong? am I too nice? why can't I be treated the way I want to be treated.

All I can picture in my head is all the time at the clubs when I've had other boys kissing and touching me, and then I was enough, but never enough to get a text the next morning. What is up with me? WHAT SHOULD I HVE DONE FOR HIM TO CHOOSE ME? When I saw him the first time I felt I could die, and it is quite literally documented here that I was going crazy for him, why, why couldn't he like me enough? I feel like im never going to be capable of liking someone ever again, he just really felt like the one but I guess I was wrong, I am always wrong.

[faerunsbest]

I was tagged by @kimberbohwrites

When did you start writing?

Middle school? I cant pinpoint a time but thats about the tim i started going comics and scribbling down story ideas and plots

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

Yes i love horror and monsters and i love when the monster isnt the villain maybe its not the hero but its not what you should be fighting. I love the concept of love starting from respect and honesty. So far I actually have big long stories that result in romance that cannot become sexual., i don't think that romance is inherently sexual for all people or that it is the spine of romance. I think for some people it can be a huge bonding experience and for some its just revolting. I just want to write romance that has layers and feels tangible. I also want to write about bonds beyond romance. I think platonic love is also vital

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often? 

Ive not been around the shop long enough to be compared to anyone i don’t think but if I could emulate anyone, it would be Brom. I read that book krampus and half a page in I had to close it and just stare at the ceiling because it hit too hard. He's a huge inspiration because he's both artist and writer. And I feel like that's just outstanding. How can you professionally be both?!

Can you tell me a little about your writing space?

Um? Its wherever I can pull out my phone. lol I can be anything or nothing. Sometimes I want a million page notebook, sometimes its the busted part of a pencil and half a napkin. 

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

?????????please help i have no clue here

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you? 

Rage

I underestimate the volume of rage a person I made can have but what I never understand until after the fact is how they handle that rafe that feeling. Do they tamp it down or let it take the lead? The other one is literally romance

On a personal level I feel like I offend myself because I'd rather eat vomit than risk romance but writing it is a whole separate beast. There's just so much that can be done and should be done for these relations and bonds and it can be thrilling!

What is your reason for writing?

If i dont write ill die i dont know how else to explain this. Theres just so much that needs to be said and all these journeys my mind went on without me 

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating? 

I love the one with explanation as to why they did or did not like what ive done, clarity without cruelty is wonderful to me

Explaining that you thought things were good or bad because one thing another mean a lot they're so useful. Also on that same page i love those unreasonable comments that make no sense because someone was just having so many feelings

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I dunno its just kinda neat of you think of me at all !

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer? 

Dialogue, i love listening to characters talk and i feel like it shows. I used to focus a lot on the setting but that rather faded

How do you feel about your own writing?

Depends on the day if im honest. Sometimes i think im amazing sometimes i'm astonished with hope clunky and poor my skills are sometimes i just don't care

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write 

purely for yourself, or a mix of both? 

You cant tell me you write and never imagine what it might be like if someone 

discovered you and LOVED what you did. I do what i want and hope for the best. My favorite part is the interaction which is why rp is great it feels like a lovely skill sharpening challenge but also it kind of eats my brain. 

I really and with all my heart love writing and i love when other people love it too

---

am drank forgive any fuckery

[masks-for-reality]

SPIREALM ending spoiler.

Is RNZ the mysterious childhood friend?

Thanks, this is perfect and makes so much sense! I really feel like I am too late to the fandom but finding your old posts is awesome.

Your theory number 3 also explains two scenes I was wondering about. The first one is in the dorm room when RNZ finds a file on LQS and then LQS materializes. This could show us when the double virtual personality of LQS was formed. It probably happened when LQS first played the game and thus became a virtual personality before entering his first or the 11th door. It formed in the 12th door where RNZ is. The second scene was a flashback to the wolf scene. Here, strangely, we could see one LQS fighting a wolf and another one running over the snowy field - and then merging with the one fighting the wolf. Thanks to your explanations, I take it that this shows us the moment that the real LQS enters from RNZ's point of view - that is why he comments that it is fun to direct a real person, because he literally saw the stand-in NPC become a real person when LQS entered the door.

I have also been thinking about a few other motives that pop up throughout the show though I am not yet sure what to make of them. One scene we see repeatedly in LQS's memories is when his friend deserted him - leaving the one he knows for saving the unknown. LQS's comments that he would have done the same and does not hold a grudge. Yet, it still caused a break with his friend to the point that he did not even say goodbye. So I do not quite buy the 'I would have done the same' - and the game seems to test whether LQS really would do the same. The last episodes bring up the dilemma very explicitly - save the one one knows and loves and sacrifice the unknown many, or sacrifice the one known for the unknown many. LQS here says that he will save the ones he knows and cares about - thus doing the opposite from what his friend did. I am wondering whether the game (which in many door challenges connected to traumas from LQS's life) here replicates a choice that had a huge impact on LQS - in the end, making him lose his best friend since childhood. Yet, this time it is him, not his friend who must make the choice or at least must bear being faced with the dilemma. And he seems unable to do so, leaving it up to fate in the end.

We might think of it as a character test though what the right answer would be (or whether there is one), is left open. Ultimately, they both pass through the 'right' door, enabled by Xia jie 'sacrificing' herself for them. I put sacrificing in quotation marks because I ended up wondering: Is Xia jie a NPC, too? It was only her and RNZ who passed the 10th door and both were seemingly tied to a high achieving player whom they loved and could not let go off. This would imply that maybe there were two 'real players' in the game - LQS and YBL. They show us stark contrasts - while LQS does not sacrifice people, especially not those he cares about, YBL is happy to do so (think of all the cannon fodder newbies he employed to davance through doors) and especially and openly sacrifices the one who loves him - he does not just accept Xia jie's sacrifice, but even asks her for it. He chooses the wrong key and dies. Xia jie, however, not just survives but stays. It is not clear to me why that would be if she is a real person. Why did she not take her chance to leave? It would make sense if she were also a NPC who actually cannot leave the game. She might pass the door but still be in the game. However, if she enables RNZ to pass through the right door, the game would end (as was stipulated so far). She lets both LQS and RNZ use the right door because she might know that otherwise, neither of them will go through any door.

Finally, circling back to your theory that even after they pass through the 11th door, they are still inside the game, and that the true 12th door passing is when LQS has programmed RNZ back and meets him. I cannot quite make sense of it yet, but my feeling is that this as well might be related to the question of what one would do for a friend and the theme of programming the other one back in one's life. First, it is only because LQS does not give up RNZ, but in a way gives up his 'real' life that he is able to pass the door. Giving up one's life to bring back one's love is the key. This leads me to a wild hypothesis: What if RNZ is LQS's childhood friend? We never see the face of this childhood friend except once when they are kids. For some reason, my first impression upon seeing that child was "This is RNZ" but then I thought I must be wrong because it is revealed that this is LQS's childhood friend. Also, LQS's memory of talking with his childhood friend about the perfect NPC and then RNZ seemingly fitting that image perfectly would speak against it. BUT: What if the childhood friend was RNZ? Some clues might be:

1) RNZ saying that he knew right away that LQS is 'the one' and LQS speaking in the same terms of his childhood friend (I think he said something that amounts to "There was no spending time with each other and getting friends through that with him. The connection and friendship was immediate" sometime when he speaks about how one becomes friends with people).

2) LQS says that both him and his friend had no family growing up, just each other. So is RNZ's tragic backstory a story or the real life that the friend had (and that LQS forgot when passing the door)?

3) Each of them have a special ability. They decided against giving one NPC all special abilities but might have very well split amongst each other.

4) LQS cannot seem to remember the face of his friend inside the door. Is that because it would be RNZ's face? It certainly would be a nice co-incidence that RNZ is so handsome and basically LQS's dream guy. But who says it is impossible? It might be more than possible if the two in the real world were more than friends and when LQS described the ideal-looking NPC he was flirting/ complimenting his friend by giving the NPC his characteristics.

5) If they were actually in love in the real world, then the betrayal of leaving LQS after the earthquake would be even harder. If that is true, the whole game might be a (bad) apology and a way to get back together. How so? First, as mentioned above, the game is constructed in such a way that it recreates the choice that LQS's childhood friend faced. This might be a way of making LQS more sympathetic as he understands how impossible/ hard of a choice it is. Second, RNZ sacrifices himself to save others. If the friend is RNZ, it is a way of showing him that he would have done the same if he had to sacrifice himself instead of LQS to save the many others. Again, going for sympathy and understanding here. But also, if RNZ is not just an NPC but also LQS's childhood friend, it would explain why he can cleanse the game. He programmed it after all and understanding his story might be what makes the door appear. Third, by programming RNZ, who is himself, to sacrifice himself for the sake of cleansing the game, he also lies his fate in the hands of LQS. After ostensibly passing the 11th door and being back in reality, LQS could have forgotten about RNZ and just lived his life. Or he could do all he did to 'resurrect' RNZ by re-programming him. What bigger proof of love could there be? This last thing might also be another neat way of mirroring (the original post has already spoken extensively on other mirror motives): In the real life, the childhood friend programs a game to bring LQS back to him by making their shared dream come true. In the virtual reality. LQS does the same for him. What happens when LQS passes the final door, we can only guess. But we might hope that he meets his childhood friend again who is the real world RNZ.

Ona side note: What if LQS had not spent his life programming the Spirealm and instead continued life within the doors? We can only guess what would have happened: Might he, like the other characters that died in the doors and then were alive again, just live out his life in virtual reality, aging and then dying? Would that death of old age be the death of the 12th door that would kill him in real life (and possibly all the other players that decided for that option?)? Then the game would not have been cleansed though. On the other hand, it would not be the first time that a clue inside the doors is not correct and that helping a door NPC opens a door (think back to the wolf story, Sako, the skin drum...). If LQS stayed, would he die in real life at all? Were the other characters ever real people? It is not clear whether the game really endangers one's life. I opt to think no. Not only would that be an admittedly very risky love declaration but would also, I think, endanger any happy end in the real world. If LQS's life depends on saving RNZ by re-programming him, then his friend basically went: Either you love me (in that case you re-program me and get out of the game) or you do not (in which case you die). That would be not a great start for a love story and does not seem in keeping with RNZ's character at all (and remember, if the forum post is correct, the virtual doubles closely resemble the personality of the real people).

I am also left wondering about the significance of the ring that RNZ insists LQS takes and wears. What is up with that?

So, still a lot of open questions and I am aware that my interpretation deviates from the book ending quite a lot as far as I can gather without yet having read it. Still, for me it is an option that could make sense within the drama universe and a version that definitely is happier than many other interpretations we might have available.

I’ve been thinking a lot about KoD/ The Spirealm lately (no surprises there), and I think, after having watched the show two times and read the novel a couple of times, I have an inkling of a theory of what really happened in The Spirealm. And I don’t mean just the ending. I mean what was really going on throughout the entire show. Because when I was doing my rewatch, I noticed that beyond the obvious lines, this show is rife with foreshadowing.

So here’s my theory, with evidence picked out here and there from the show. Beware: this will get very long, and a lot of it might be overthinking on my part (as an INTJ, overthinking is my middle name). There will be spoilers for BOTH the novel and the show, so if you don’t want to be spoiled for either or for both, perhaps you might want to scroll on or save this post for another day.

But, if you’re absolutely curious and totally okay with spoilers… We shall press on.

When I finished the show for the first time, I went “oh god yet another open-ended cdrama ending”, and only had two theories for what that ending meant.

1. Everything had really happened, everyone that had been involved had really gone into the doors. When RNZ managed to cleanse the game, ~somehow~ time got rewound and events got rewritten, and everyone (including those who had died) went back to how they had been before encountering the games, memories wiped clean and all, except for LQS.

2. LQS had dreamed everything up in those few seconds between getting hit by the car and regaining consciousness. The games did not happen in reality at all.

The first one didn’t sit well with me, just because it seemed too damn unlikely. Even if we were to consider advanced technology and all, it just seemed too… far-fetched (for lack of a better word) for such a technology to completely rewind time and rewrite things, including the minds of everyone except LQS.

So I thought well okay maybe it’s Theory 2 which seemed more likely, LQS dreamed up everything and none of it had actually happened, and he spent the next 50 years remaking and rebuilding the entire Spirit Realm. And this theory pained me. Because it meant that after it all, LQS was still alone, and was a RNZ made up with data that LQS had input, who had never “experienced” what they had experienced together, really RNZ at all? Besides, how did LQS manage to dream the names and personalities of so many different people so accurately?

Which leads me to Theory 3, which is actually pretty close to what had really happened in the novel, and also kind of an offshoot of Theory 1, but with a but.

Now, circling back to Theory 1, it’s a chilling thought that something like this could happen in reality. But what if, what if, what we thought was reality reality is not actually reality? Could there be a technology that’s so great it could rewind time and rewrite events and minds… à la The Matrix? 

And so, Theory 3, which is the one I strongly believe (with >95% conviction) is what really happened:

THE WHOLE SHOW IS DOOR 12.

My supporting evidence, split into a few sections:

The Forum Scene

More Individual Instances

Common Motifs

What Happened Outside the 12th Door? + Unanswered Questions

A Simple Chronological Diagram

Tidbits

EXHIBIT A: THE FORUM SCENE

This was a very quick cameo of Wu Qi scrolling on the forum and then proceeding to still impersonate as a college-going girl (after the crying baby arc). There was absolutely no reason for this scene to be there, which highlights just how important this little cameo discussing the 12th door is and what it could entail.

A summary of what this says (bolded parts added by myself for emphasis), as far as I can since some parts are blocked:

A Quick Deduction: The Rules of the 12th Door

Everyone says that the higher the level of the door, the closer to reality it gets. That means that the 12th door is extremely close to reality. In the 12th door, your entire world is exactly the same as the real world, and there might even be doors within doors.

The people who enter the 12th door will lose all memories, including those of their relationships, and will exist in the 12th door with the identity of “if they had lived till then without entering the doors”. An NPC will replace the “personality” of the person who enter the doors, and other than their appearance, their personality and identity will be very similar, and the progress rate will be very high. (This sentence is quite blocked out so I don’t really get it.)

Then, the two will meet. Because after waking in the 12th door, one will find themselves in the “1st door”, then meeting place will naturally be in the world of the doors.

After that, the condition to clear the game would be to, under such circumstances, go through the eleven doors all over again.

I know, it’s a forum post, and it was titled “deduction”, but this is exactly what the novel was revealed to be about, and it also explains a lot of the foreshadowing that I started seeing throughout the show.

EXHIBIT B: VARIOUS INDIVIDUAL INSTANCES

Right at the start of the show, even before entering his supposed 1st door, LQS is shown to already have very sharp hearing. If these additional abilities are gifted by the doors to selected people, then why does LQS already have it not just outside the doors, but also even before setting foot into one? Unless, he is not outside the doors, and he has already set foot into not just one, but in fact, several.

RNZ says this line when he is directing LQS to run from the wolf. This is not just a foreshadowing for RNZ’s identity as an NPC, but also hints that the people that RNZ has been “directing” till that point (think all those people in the villa, including the twins, Chen Fei, etc.) were also not “live people”, but NPCs.

After the 1st door, LQS returns to the real world, while still wearing the jacket he had put on in the door. It is later mentioned that only selected props from the doors can be brought out and back in for special uses to be figured out by the players themselves. So how can LQS return to the real world with the jacket, which is never mentioned to be one such prop?

Ah yes, the lovely RNZ fake death scene. It’s a huge piece of foreshadowing for RNZ’s identity, but it might be foreshadowing something more. I’ve wondered, since RNZ is an NPC, if he “died” in one of the doors, would he respawn somewhere else? This quote might be referring to that. But it also sounds very much like he’s hinting to LQS that what he thought was reality was also not reality at all.

In the penultimate episode, LQS, out and about after his accident, running first to the villa to see if RNZ and co. are still there, and then proceeding to question himself if his reality is really reality at all. I think it's at this point he starts to suspect that he's really still in the world of the doors.

The final pre-time leap scene: notice how LQS says find (寻找) the point where reality and virtual world meet, and not create (创造)? Which means that here, LQS has already realised that this reality is not reality at all, but he’s still in the world of the doors. Now, he has to find the point where reality and virtual world meet, i.e. the physical 12th door.

Post-time leap: “including the 12th door”. After spending 50 more years in the 12th door, LQS has finally found the physical 12th door, at the point where reality and virtual world meet.

And when he touches RNZ’s hand, he gets restored to his younger self, because he has solved and unlocked the 12th door and the 50 years that had passed have not really passed at all.

EXHIBIT C: COMMON MOTIFS

1. Kaleidoscopes

Of course, kaleidoscopes. The original intention was definitely as nod to the name of the novel, but they’ve been written into the plot in a different way. Also a clue to RNZ’s identity as an NPC, since the only other ones that have been shown to have kaleidoscopes are the NPCs/ door gods. But, the kaleidoscopes only appeared in the doors, but RNZ has been shown to have them outside the doors. Unless… you know the drill by now.

2. Corridors

In the first episode alone, not one, not two, but four hallways of doors are shown. The first is a straight corridor that starts off the entire show (with credits and all), the second is another straight corridor and is shown to be rotating clockwise, and the third and fourth are the one we’re most familiar with: the one with the doors facing one another like a cross-section of a kaleidoscope. Here’s my theory for each: the first one is the “real” one, the one that LQS walks to get to the 12th door. It starts off the entire show and hints that the entire show is the 12th door. The second one that rotates (see next point on this motif) is the one in the bootleg game that LQS plays in the PC bang. The fourth one is when LQS enters the door world within the 12th door.

Also, this could very well just be an artistic choice, but note how in the poster of the show, the doors are also shown not in the cross-sectional kaleidoscope format, but in a straight corridor.

3. Circularity

I don’t know how to summarise this motif because it’s a combination of a few, but this show has a lot of circles, things in rotation, clock imageries, and the idea of things being in reverse.

The clue that Gao Dawei gives LQS through the kid NPC, “Flower in the water, moon in the mirror” (水中花，镜中月) is actually a reversal of an actual Chinese idiom “Flower in the mirror, moon in the water” (镜中花，水中月), which means a mirage, something that is an illusion. While this is a huge analogy for the whole real world vs. door world theme, it’s also another instance of reversal or something flipped in the show.

Some other examples are the flipped clock in the 11th door, RNZ’s quote in the 11th door about ending at the beginning, and even in the lyrics of that painful song that plays whenever someone dies: “Please don’t rewind time again, for I’m afraid I will do anything regardless of the cost” (请别再倒数时间，我怕我会不顾一切). Now… this idea of circularity, of rewinding time, of going back to the beginning to end… sounds a lot like everything restarting again after LQS emerges from the “11th door” and finding himself in a car accident. Or maybe, just maybe, it also sounds a lot like going back to the first 11 doors to finish the 12th door, doesn’t it?

4. Repeated Phrases

Now these might REALLY just be me overthinking. But Wu Qi mentioned a couple of things in his monologue (side note: this show has some SERIOUSLY GOOD angsty monologues) that made me go… hang on a second. These mentions of “light”, “the meaning of friendship”, and “path” - they were all also brought up in previous conversations between LQS and RNZ. “Light” - so many times (another side note: I find it hilarious that Xia Zhiguang also has the same “light” character in his name, so whenever RNZ says that LQS “has light on him” I get sad at the foreshadowing but I also snicker a bit for Reasons). “The meaning of friendship” - when RNZ and LQS argue over accompanying TZZ into her 6th door.

“Path” - when RNZ and LQS walk under the umbrella in the rain doll arc and RNZ mentions (also foreshadowing) that “legs are longer than paths, and paths will always have an end”. Again, these might jolly well just be coincidences, but my overthinking brain says I think not. Because, if LQS is really still in the door world, then Wu Qi and everyone else around him are really NPCs, and then it makes sense for the system to throw these words that had popped up before, in situations where Wu Qi was never present, right back at him.

5. Premonitions

There are so many of these. 

In episode 1, LQS already briefly “hears” the blades of the air vent of the room he had been trapped in with Gao Dawei, even though he’s still in the PC bang and the memory of that kidnapping is not at the forefront of his mind… unless it had already been triggered at some time shortly before that (i.e. in the “real” door whatever number it was when he had met the NPC that revealed the nature of the doors to him).

Just before LQS is hit by the car, he sees a door on the road, that is the same door as one of the two in the 11th door - the one that represents “illusory life”. How did LQS manage to conjure up the image of a door that only appears in his future? Unless, he has already seen the door before in the real 11th door.

BUT that being said, in the same flashes, he does also see the kaleidoscope cross-section style (seriously, I need a better name for this) of doors - the third hallway he sees in the first episode. This one, admittedly, I’m still trying to figure out, since technically, based on the theory I’m working out, at that point, he should not have yet actually stepped into the hallway.

LQS also encounters Li Dongyuan and Xiong Qi in the “real world” before he enters his “1st door”.

And also explains why he could dream the names and personalities of so many different people so accurately before actually meeting them “in real life” (that asshole in the hospital arc - I forgot his name -, Xiao Ke, Chen Fei, the twins, TZZ, Lu Yanxue), including the “real” owner of the villa.

This might also be me overthinking and just be the cast trolling, but the “actual” Spirit Realm game in the “real world” also seems to draw upon elements of what LQS had experienced in his 11 doors in the show, albeit in a more chibi form: from the door and Nanqiu and Toast and Chestnut on the front page, to the kaleidoscope and entering the door on the loading page, and the woman in the rain, Xiao Jiu, rain doll, nurse, and Zuozi characters on the game grid. If this was really the real world, was it really a coincidence that LQS had “dreamed” or “experienced” doors that had these very same elements? Or do we have cause and effect the other way round here, where the “reality” is actually drawing on what LQS had “dreamed” or “experienced” in the doors? I say, it’s no coincidence at all.

EXHIBIT D: WHAT HAPPENED OUTSIDE THE 12TH DOOR? + UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Now, if the entire show is about the 12th door, then what happened in the real world? In doors 1-11? Well, it could be anything at this point.

Perhaps it’s something closer to the novel, where there’s nothing game-related about it at all, and people get pulled into the doors because they're about to die a sudden death, and the world of the doors is a "gift" for them to fight for that chance to continue living. The whole business is really just a supernatural thing, and the 12th door just happened to take on the setting of a virtual reality game.

Or, perhaps it’s really more like the show, where doors 1-11 happened exactly as they did (or close to) in the show, where LQS had to save the world from the nasty game that had been sullied by the capitalists in Piao Liang Guo (an analogy for the USA, if you haven’t yet realised), but he had to sacrifice his closest friend (read: bosom buddy) for the sake of the greater good.

Again, it could be anything. But I’d like to believe that it’s the latter. Because it goes exactly with the idea of circularity (see Common Motifs), of starting from the beginning again. 

But, post that, after everything is said and done, does RNZ end up going to the real world? I really hope so, because I need my happy ending damn it. It was possible in the novel which was more supernatural-coded, so the idea of a door god stepping out of this supernatural door world and into the real one to live with his husband seems a bit more… probable. (I know we’re talking about fiction here but please hear me out it’s like the walrus vs. fairy thing.) But if RNZ is really just made up of data, how the heck does data step out from the virtual world and into the real one? Maybe LQS really does end up making a “body” for him in the real world and takes a few years (or decades) to code him from scratch? But that just kinda goes back to my 意难平 with Theory 2 - is this RNZ really RNZ? Not to mention, the pain of LQS being alone for decades and trying to make RNZ from scratch.

Another unanswered question: what the heck is with LQS’s evolving hairstyle and fashion throughout the show? Is it an analogy for LQS’s changing personality, that even TZZ’s director “friend” mentions in episode 62? Or does it symbolise something else? I really don’t know, at this point.

EXHIBIT E: A SIMPLE CHRONOLOGICAL DIAGRAM

If you’ve managed to read till here, MASSIVE kudos to you. And here’s a simple diagram that I drew on PPT just to illustrate this entire theory, because I was also confusing the heck out of myself and I needed to see it visually to make sense of it.

EXHIBIT F: TIDBITS

These don’t really support Theory 3, but I’m including them anyway because I find them… interesting.

There’s a Yuyu Hakusho book in LQS and Wu Qi’s apartment. Now I’m in no way familiar with that series (I only watched that one live action adaptation of it), but in that series, there also exists a Spirit World (霊界, Reikai), which (ahem Wiki copy and paste) is the world where sentient beings (humans and demons) go after they die; not the equivalent of heaven or hell, but a station in between worlds where a soul's fate is decided. Which sounds… a lot like the premise of the doors in the actual novel.

I also find it extremely punny that the drama changed LQS’s name to Ling Jiushi (凌久时). For one, the characters for Jiushi are the exact ones that mean “long time” - which reminds me of the final exchange that RNZ and LQS have in the show. Also, the fact that his surname is now Ling instead of Lin? Absolutely hilarious… once you realise that the Chinese slang for bottoms in a MLM pair is 0 (零)… pronounced exactly the same way as show!LQS’s surname. And, if you haven’t yet figured out the running thread through this entire damn long ass post by now: coincidence? I think not.

[perpetual-fool]

The real world must be somewhere else.

I saw this clip from an anime, details not significant. Guy responds to something the protagonist did with something like "we get it, you're angry". And that's a pretty clear example of one of the types of non sequitur attacks that generally throws me into a panic. But I realized, there's no 'honest' reading of this. Either it has no meaningful effect, or it (contributes to) destroys the person's psyche. There is no possibility of successfully gaslighting the person into thinking they were actually angry. I can see some people making malicious use of that, but not literally everyone almost constantly, not unless they aren't actually human. And things aren't fitted well enough for Truman Show scenario, too many things don't relate to me well enough for everything to be about me.

So, twenty five years later, and now with actual critical thinking skills, I'm back to 'brain in a vat'. My best explanation for why this is happening is that it's not actually happening.

(Then again, if the whole thing is artificial, there's no reason for only the humans to behave senselessly. The physics could be inconsistent too, like sometimes tape will just have the 'sticky' turned off or something. Then again again, if nothing ever made sense then I'd have no foundation from which to be confused.)

I guess I'm making progress towards feeling better. The major roadblock has been explaining others' behavior, as that's what means I must be wrong and bad. I'm concluding the above, and particularly that at the least most of their actions can only be for the purpose of destroying others. Refuting the ideas more specifically, the concept that I deserve to suffer doesn't make sense. Analogously, say you're writing a computer program. The computer doesn't know what you're trying to do (and it would lead to bad outcomes if it tried to guess), so it's going to run your code as is. If you made a mistake in writing it, or if the language doesn't work quite the way you think it does, then the computer is going to do something you didn't want. But that's your fault, the computer cannot do anything other than what it's told to do. You tell it the wrong thing, it does the wrong thing. As a human, I don't have a magic solution to this problem. If I conclude things others don't like or feel things others think I shouldn't feel, they'll blame me for it, sure. But I don't have a way of arriving a different conclusions with the same logic, and I can't act on information I don't have. I can try to guess what people intend but I'm always wrong and they won't clarify anything. So, I am what I am and feel how I feel, and yelling at me for not being what you want is as sensible as doing the same to a computer. And I ought to respond as such. (Aside, much of the time I'm imagining being berated by someone who's a Christian, and that would make the whole argument moot. Like, the core belief is that everyone innately deserves to be tortured forever, you don't have to do anything to deserve it. So saying that I belong in hell isn't really saying anything at all.)

Then next is justifying why I 'deserve' to be happy. And that's also just nonsense. May as well be asking if a plant deserves water. That's someone hijacking my emotions and then extorting me with them. Except, ya' know, they never made any demands. Hypothetically, step one of brainwashing is to destroy the person, and then step two is replace them with something else. But there has never been a step two, only step one, endlessly. But actually I 'deserve' whatever happiness I can create? It would make more sense to think of happiness as something to be created rather than a reward magically bestowed whenever I've done the correct things to 'earn' it.

Anyway, I still have some shit to work through.

As usual I feel a bit bad about this. 'Cause it also applies to Cat, and I don't want to think poorly of Cat. Though also, this might be because I want things to be as significant as I felt about them, I don't want to think this badly of V either. I believed in her more than I believed in god, and now I think her behavior is so stupid that it isn't plausible that there was actually a person behind them. I suppose that says more about my mental state than her. I guess I'd rather think there was something real that I missed out on, instead of that everything I ever hoped for was a lie. She still seems like something I desperately need in my life. But I talked to that human, there isn't a person in there. Those songs might as well be wholly her fantasy. Like I was a convenient mark to pin her martyr complex on. Oh how terrible that I don't understand when you won't fucking tell me anything. How terrible it is that you don't understand when you won't fucking ask. "When it all comes around, I don't mind" says the one who left.

It seems like there's so much to connect to, but there's just not. The only crumb of connection I ever got was from Cat.

And that's the trap. My spirit is broken, I'd do anything for anyone who'd let me in. But all I find is more breaking.

And apparently with the carrot aside, there remains the stick. There must have been instances of being punished for non sequiturs, like being yelled at "you're being X!" followed by getting hit with the belt. Or maybe yelling at a five year old is enough to convince them that you're going to hurt them? It's further back than I can remember at this point. I definitely remember getting the belt a few times, but not very often. I'm told they stopped using the belt on me at some point because it "didn't work" on me, not the way it worked on my sister. Or maybe it was mostly elementary school that taught me absolutely anyone would try to harm me if they think they can get away with it, and no one would ever come to my defense. So I'm afraid of inescapable violence with gaslit justification. Like, if the right people say the right things, they can have you locked up and tortured for the rest of your life. And nothing people say or do needs even a distant relationship to the truth. But that is inescapable, if it's going to happen then it's going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it. Like, when I was having heart trouble awhile back, for about a month straight I thought I was about to start dying at any second. Towards the end of it, right before the surgery, the medication wasn't keeping my heart in rhythm anymore. So I was very weak, needed a wheelchair to get around the house, couldn't stand up long enough to take a shower, and I felt like I was about to die. But I was getting dirty, starting to be uncomfortably so. And I decided, I can die dirty, or I can die clean. So yeah, I showered mostly sitting down, took me a long time to get back out and get my clothes back on, had to take lots of little breaks.

So I can wait for the unfathomable torment in constant overwhelming anxiety, or I can do it playing video games and eating burgers or whatever.

At least, all that in theory. This has been all I know, and from past experience what actually changes how I feel are counterexamples. Like with Cat actually explaining what an idea means, which proved to me that I'm not crazy. So the next step is to flesh out my imaginary companion and simulate what a real connection would be like. Then maybe I can enjoy being a glutton and a pervert or whatever while I can. (Aside, it kind of makes sense that I haven't built up anything (don't know how to phrase that better), since everything I know is destructive. I can hardly even imagine an honest conversation. So I feel somewhat optimistic about this.)