#I KNOW I FORGOT HER COAT I WANTED TO DIE WHEN I REALISED UGHH

[emergys]

The genius u'll only meet once.

[lesbiansastiel]

so far untitled fic chapter 2

here it is! sorry for the Dramatique™ that’s just how i write ajkdjfk.. also this took a while bc tumblr deleted it when i was editing and ughh. double editing yay

cas x sam visiting heaven. mentions of jess. dean is just kinda there. mentions of john also. idk what else to warn u of hmm… title is a reference to a shura song again, check it out!

chapter 2. flyin’

When Cas rolls the sleeves of their stupid beige trench coat (that has been burned to Sam’s retinas so much that whenever he sees a trench coat, anywhere, his first thought, or feeling, is Cas) Sam’s first instinct is to take a step back. He is not sure about their plan, but he wants to help Cas. Apparently, Cas can tap into Sam’s soul by touching it and follow him to heaven. As he dies, or goes to a life and death between zone, or something. Cas’ powers aren’t fully there yet, and he’s not allowed in heaven, so they’re a little unsure about how this will go. Taking Dean would be like taking a time bomb, because all the angels, especially Zachariah, have their radars beeping for him. Sam is secure with Cas, as long as he does not actually die, and can be zapped back to his body. But that’s what worries him. And how does he just leave Heaven? He can barely wake up from his dreams anymore. 

“So, there’s no way of contacting you when you’re... up there?” Dean looks uncertain, and not amused.

“No.” Cas says bluntly.

“That’s just great! I’m on watch-duty and can’t even alert you if something goes wrong! I don’t like this plan, Cas.”

“No one likes it” Sam chimes in, but with less opposition.

“You agreed to this. It’s the only way, if there’s any chance this could bring us closer to God, ending all of this,” Cas looks at Sam, “killing Lucifer, we have to take these odds”.

Before Sam has the chance to say anything Cas continues:

“This is my only choice. Please,” Cas pleads, “please help me”.

Sam sighs and curses the day Cas became good with words. And the damn puppy eyes. He’s gonna throw himself to a death-like between-zone that could kill him because of Cas’ recklessly ambitious plan to find God. 

In the background, Dean sits down on the bed defeatedly and rubs his temples. In all of this, Dean has not said a word to Sam. It makes Sam a little upset. Dean acts as if he’s not a part of this, even when “this” is Sam’s life.

“I want to help, of course, but promise me you’re being a realist thinking I can survive this.” Sam looks at Cas, who is just standing there, not moving at all.

“I’m not letting you die,” Cas confirms and Sam thinks this is the best answer he’s getting and puts a tiny smile on his face. Dean sighs in the back and stands up. He starts pacing the room again.

Cas motions Sam to sit on the couch and takes the belt that he removed earlier from the table. 

“Okay, I guess we’re going to heaven” Sam declares. “Tell me all about it soon, Sam.” Dean says from closer behind Cas now and Sam can hear that he’s worried. Sam smiles and nods. 

The next thing Sam feels is Cas’ fingers on his forehead as he puts him to sleep-ish.

The worst part about dreaming is how it makes you want to never wake up. There’s no plan, no pressure, no Lucifer, no Michael. Sam’s dreams are often just calmness. Sometimes there’s a plot, or some people, sometimes they’re even based on memories but mostly it’s just a snippet of heaven, or what he thinks heaven is like, anyways. Calm. The feeling of sitting on a bus, car, plane as the word goes by. The sounds of the ocean. Sitting on a dock, or lying in the grass looking at the night sky. Just being still. Sometimes Sam dreams of a family, his family, Mary and John and a happy big brother playing with toy cars. Sam is a fly on the ceiling, looking at all of the everyday life go by. Sometimes, rarely, he has a family of his own, a partner, dogs, maybe even a child. Lying in bed next to a person whom he adores and life goes by without pain, just happiness and so much love that it makes the heart hurt. Often Sam doesn’t have an active role in his dreams but when he does, he’s dancing, or jumping from joy and he has a strong sense of self and braided hair and he kisses someone he loves and they love him back. He feels in control and he can decide who he is and what he does. Sometimes dreaming is an escape, but more often dreaming feels like the bigger life and everything else is the blurry background. Dreaming isn’t always something you do when you’re asleep, sometimes he dreams when he’s eating, reading, or just lying awake in bed. He learnt it as a kid, spent way too much time like that in class and when lectured by John, or Dean, for that matter. 

Heaven wasn’t like that. Heaven turned out to be better. In heaven, his daily, everyday life was the main subject and all his best moments were just playing out one after another. Like the time Dean and him spent time watching cartoons all day and eating nothing but burned toast all day, but somehow it felt like the best day ever. That year he was at the nicest school and he had friends and John wasn’t home a lot, but Dean was old enough to drive them to school and back and Sam trusted him, and admired him. And life felt good. The same year they went to that one meadow one night, with a bag full of fireworks and Sam set them off and they were loud and pretty and it was all so big. And then when he met his first crush. That was a confusing time, but he was so happy whenever she looked at her during classes, or passed by in the cafeteria. Or when they were in that group assignment together and Sam got to talk to her. 

Heaven was better than dreaming, because it was living. He was reliving all his best hits and his heart was filled with joy and love. He wanted to stay so badly he forgot what the plan had been, and just floated in heaven, in those memories. Until he got to Jess. Meeting Jess. It shocked him and made him realise his heart had not recovered from all that.

The promise of happiness shattered. Heaven shattered.

Heaven crumbles down and Sam sees Cas in front of him. They look at each other, Sam with tears in his eyes, and Cas looking apologetic.

“I’m so sorry, Sam,” they say, and take Sam by the hand, “we have to move on.”

Sam feels something like wind blow past him and suddenly they’re standing on a ledge, with the ocean underneath, loud as a chainsaw, hurring and roaring. Cas is yelling but Sam can’t hear. He’s too overwhelmed. Everything hurts and his heart is breaking. He can still smell Jess, like she smelled when they first met and her first words to him keep playing in his mind.

He wants to go back to Jess, to hold her, to tell her he loves her, to kiss her. 

Cas keeps yelling, and motioning at him and shaking him. Sam looks at Cas and sees the panic in their eyes. The ocean quiets down underneath, and Cas’ voice comes through the noise.

“Sam! Please! You have to listen to me”

“Cas?” Sam feels out of place and numb and like this was a mistake. How will they ever get out?

“Sam. Listen. You drifted, I could not reach you, we’ve wasted time. My grip on your soul almost slipped, you wanted to go, please don’t do that again,” Cas looks terrified. 

Sam feels like falling down and crying. All he can think about is Jess, and all the people he loved and lost. How much more can he bear? Cas takes a grip on his shoulders and presses his thumbs against his collar bones. 

“Focus on my voice. We have to keep going. Do you know which way to go from here?”

“What? I… I don’t even know where we are,” Sam looks around and it does not look familiar, at all. Has he ever even been on a ledge?

“It could not be a place where you’ve been, it can be a feeling or an image, even a sound?”

“A feeling?”

Suddenly Sam recognises it. This is how he feels when he thinks of Jess, lonely, alone, crushed and distant from everything. As he realises this, the world turns, and fades and twists at the same time. 

It doesn’t take long before they end up in the next place. It’s the impala, parked. It’s quiet, only some birds chirping. The sun is painting the horizon orange and red and purple. It’s early spring and outside looks cold but it’s warm and toasty in the car. Sam knows what this is. Cas is sitting in the backseat, and talking. Sam can’t hear him again, but he starts the car, intuitively. They have to get out of here.