#I HOPE THIS IS OKAY ANON?? I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF

[johaerys-writes]

OH MY GOD HOW CAN I CHOSE THERE’S SO MANY OPTIONS AND THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD 😭😭😭

let’s see if i can control myself and just ask for three

so MODERN OMEGAVERSE PLEASE I’M BEGGING

PYRRHA MY BELOVED I NEED HER

PLEASURE SLAVE AU!!!!!!!

i really want to ask about all of them but let’s save some for the people 🫣💕

Aaaahhh okay let's have a look!!!

Modern omegaverse: I've talked about this here before I think, but it's basically modern AU college omegaverse, featuring alpha Patroclus and very messy and jealous omega Achilles. They're friends but their relationship has been a little rocky since going away to college (Patroclus is a little older so he went away first, and he has all those cool and hot friends now and that makes Achilles crrraazyyyy, so crazy in fact that he accidentally goes into heat LMAO) It's very messy and they both make really bad decisions, the writing is also a mess because I started it a couple years ago, changed my mind about a couple plot things, then I got stuck so I actually left it on the backburner but I really want to get back to it!! Here is a little snippet from the beginning:

“Got any plans for the weekend?” “Not much,” Achilles says. Odysseus and Diomedes have asked him to go out with them for drinks, but Achilles is secretly hoping that Patroclus will ask him to do something together. If he does, he’ll ditch Odysseus and Diomedes in a heartbeat. “What about you?” Patroclus flashes him a grin, a little mischievous. “I’m hoping for a date with a really cute guy.” “Oh,” Achilles breathes, but it feels like a gut punch. Fuck, he’s always known this moment would come, and he’s always dreaded it. Patroclus is gorgeous, and Achilles isn’t just saying that because he’s had a crush on him ever since he can remember himself. Patroclus is smart and funny and caring, and so easy to be around. It was only a matter of time before he would find someone else, and ditch Achilles for good.  That doesn’t stop his fists from clenching, simply at the thought of whoever it is that caught Patroclus’ attention.  “Cool,” he says, trying to give him a smile that definitely comes out more tense and tight than he meant. “Awesome. That’s great, Patroclus. Anyone I know?” Patroclus stares at him in confusion for a moment, before he blushes and blurts out, “You! I meant you. Sorry, I was just trying to be funny— I thought— I asked you last week if you’d be free to hang out…?” “Oh! Right, sorry, I forgot.” The surge of relief rushing through Achilles leaves him dizzy. It’s a little embarrassing that he jumped to conclusions so quickly, but honestly, it’s not that hard to do when Patroclus has so many friends and acquaintances now, vying for his attention. “Of course, we’ll hang out together, of course. What do you want to do?”

2. Pyrrha worship: I got an anon ask a while ago with a request for a smutty one shot with disasters patchilles when they're older, and I sat on it for a long while because I couldn't really come up with anything exciting, but then I was listening to Miss June '75 by The Brian Jonestown Massacre the other day and my mind instantly went, Pyrrha??? Ahaha, so basically it's a smutty one shot where Achilles dresses up all fancy in his favourite red dress and his stockings and heels and everything, and after they come back home Patroclus just has to worship the fuck out of his wife <3 I don't have much to share yet but I'm hoping to get to it once I post the next BBB chapter!

3. Pleasure slave AU: boy oh boy do I have a lot to say about this one haha. I've been teasing about this AU for a while now and I'm not at all close to sharing any writing for it, mostly because it's a bunch of notes and plot points and random bits of conversation in the doc BUT essentially the idea behind it is that Patroclus didn't grow up in Phthia with Achilles, but instead was sent to Lyrnessus and grew up with Briseis, so when the Achaeans attack the city, Patroclus is given to Achilles as a pleasure slave instead of Briseis. It's quite horny and very angsty and I swear I will get to it eventually after I finish one of the million works I have in progress right now lol!!!!

[subhumanselflover]

Hello, can you do smut to fluff with Baiken getting impregnated by the reader and then how she would be as a mom? Thanks

note: okay. i'm not gonna lie this is a scary request for me because this is NOT subject matter i'm used to, and i still need to figure out how to write baiken.. especially in this particular scenario. however, i am an encourager of playing with canon like dolls, and don't wanna leave ya waiting any longer, anon. anyways, i'm formatting it as a few scenarios. if you want more and something more specific, my ko-fi is linked in my pinned :3 also no offense anon but i chuckled a little at this being the third request i got. lightheartedly, i feel like i've been hit with the writer's equivalent of "now draw her pregnant". okay, anyways, enough mar yapping, hope you enjoy

Baiken x Reader NSFW, Dearest

Hands wandering over her, you worked to please the samurai under you. Thrusting into Baiken's warm wetness, she let out a quiet, growling moan, reaching for your head to pull lightly at your hair. "I'm getting close, Baiken," You warned her, trying to be polite, which she usually appreciated. "Mm, I can tell," She said with a smirk, clearly a bit softer than usual. "Cum inside this time," She demanded, leaving little room for argument, or anything of the sort. And so, without wanting to displease her, you did.

Something about that was.. strange. Baiken seemed to have no interest in motherhood before. Sure, she had practically adopted Delilah, and done a damn good job taking care of her, but she had never willingly talked of being a mother. But due to the fact that she fell asleep right after sex, snoring rather loudly next to you, you couldn't talk to her about it until the morning. For now, you curled up with her in your arms, and decided you'd make it the topic of conversation over breakfast.

And when the morning came, you brought it up to her. However, Baiken being Baiken, simply stated that she decided she'd like to be a mother. She wanted to give someone a life that had been better than hers, at least as much as she could control. Understanding, you began to prepare together to become parents.

Baiken's pregnancy was not easy. The emotions were.. difficult to deal with, and you swore you were going to get your head cut off one of these days. All in all, you did your best to take care of her, but she took it the wrong way on a fair amount of days. "You think I can't take care of myself?" She'd growl, and you tried not to make a big deal of defending yourself, as that would only likely make it worse. You both did your best.

(I am not writing anything about childbirth. If you wanted that, I remind you that my ko-fi is in my pinned post.)

In the early days of having a newborn, Baiken got up many nights to deal with your child crying. She'd grumble as she left your shared bed, but if you went in to check on her, you'd find her lovingly holding the child in her arms, trying as she could to soothe the little one. As she held the child, she gave you a dirty look, as if you hadn't seen her act soft before. You laugh to yourself a little. When you left the room, she kissed the newborn on the head, and put them down into the crib once they stopped crying. As you had went back to bed, you notice in the morning that Baiken didn't rejoin you-- no, you found her the next morning sitting on the chair adjacent to the crib in the child's nursery. She had stayed all night, just in case she was needed again.

[acciocriativity]

BETTER THAN WORDS - JWY (FROM THE 300 FOLLOWERS EVENT)

(Pictures are not mine, credits to the rightful owners)

Ateez Masterlist

Requested from anon!

Thank you so much for the request, dear anon 💕 Since the idea is that I choose the prompts, I inspired myself to create ones based on yours. Hope you love it anyway 💖

"No, I'm telling you, I've seen the way she looks at you", San has been bothering him all morning, because Wooyoung was feeling defeated.

Wooyoung was, at least most of the time, a cheerful person. It came naturally to him. His friends at school expected that from him. He was their happy pill they would say and he was proud of it... but it's impossible to be positive, when you are so damn dense!

"I don't know San-ie, maybe we should give up on the mission".

This is not the Wooyoung he knows, it was the only thing on San's mind at the moment. Something must had happened for him to be sulking around like this and San would figure it out as if his life depend on it.

"Listen, let me try something and after that, you can do as you want, just pick up the phone when I call, okay?", San said in such a serious and determinate tone that Wooyoung couldn't say no.

You came into his life, their lives, out of nowhere. One day, it was the three of them, San, Yeosang and Wooyoung, then the next day there was you sitting with them at lunch being bombarded with questions by Wooyoung.

San was soo confused at first, because sure, they were known as friendly people, Yeosang being the shiest and quiest, but they kept to their own group most of the time. It was rare to find someone that would fit in with them the way that you did.

Wooyoung adored you, trully, but after everything that he tried already, you still didn't have a single clue about his feelings. It made him anxious and a tiny bit insecure, maybe you just did not like him back...

"Don't!", San whispered to Wooyoung as they got into class. "I know this expression, whatever it is, it's not true.

THE 1° ATTEMPT: FAILED

He asked you out on a date. It was quite straight forward to be honest, how can he be more direct than that?

Your answer?

"Sure, where do you want to go?", there was that smile on your face that showed him you thought he meant in a friendly way.

Maybe he wasn't that straight forward then. The both of you went out together a lot for the past month already, but without a name to it. A name he desperately wanted to put on it.

"Hum, maybe that café that opened last week?", you didn't know him enough to notice his smile was forced yet, he was way to good at faking it.

THE 2° ATTEMPT: FAILED

He decided to pull out every trick he knew of. By the end of the week following his first failed plan, he clingied to you like a koala, more than he already did!

While you thought he was adorable and sweet, cuddling to you at every chance and staying by your side whenever you four were walking to class... You missed your personal space a little. You felt what it was like to be Yeosang for the first time, it wasn't a easy job to be that loved all day every day.

Still, how can you ask to that pretty face to give you some space? You could imagine it the kicked puppy face he'd make and that only already broke your heart.

"Wooyoung-ah", you said as you stood together side by side, waiting for the others to meet you at the front of the school.

He looked up from where he was. Chin on your shoulder, hands around your waist as he sway you both to a song he just came up with. His eyes shined in adoration, his smile contagious as he waited for your answer.

His skin was glowing... No, he was glowing that day for some reason. His whole demeanor screamed happiness since 7:30 A.M.

"Did something good happened today?"

It did. Someone asked him if you guys were dating. He had to go to the bathroom to regain some control over his body.

"Just you".

There he was again.

He always been quite flirty, but the past week it only increased. You didn't know what to do with yourself in this situation, you were always caught off guard and your mind came up with a million scenarios to explain this behavior. None of them left you happy though.

"You are impossible, aren't you?", you laughed it off, like you've been doing. You felt like you have to do it to protect yourself and the friend group you barely got into.

THE 5° ATTEMPT: IN PROGRESS

In San's humble opinion, Wooyoung was doing everything wrong. He was way too lost in his feelings to realize that it wasn't how direct and how obvious he could be, it was about you.

You and Wooyoung somehow were like twins, your energy matched in a way no one saw coming. You were the smart kid in class in their minds for the first half of the school year. You're quiet, but kind hearted and smart. Everyone thought the same until Wooyoung decided enough is enough.

He saw bits and pieces of your personality and being the direct man he's always been, he decided right then and there to get to know you more.

But that also meant you also weren't happy 24/7, you struggled a lot too and you could be as insecure as everyone else, even with your cheerful personality shinning through.

San could it see it looking from the outside, you're scared of falling for Wooyoung or maybe you already fell deep into it and couldn't be sure if he was serious about his attempts. He didn't know which one, but he knows he has to do something about it.

"Why don't you talk to him?", his tone wasn't judgmental and his eyes were kind as he sat by your side.

"I want to, but what if he's just being, you know, Wooyoung", you didn't need to explain it further.

San let out a snort, he couldn't help himself as he smiled.

There was a ultimate truth in this, you didn't know Wooyoung for long. You didn't see him go through the lowest up to the highest point in his life. You showed up in a high and since then, Wooyoung has been flying higher and higher because of you.

"He's not like this, you know... I'm mean, he is but he's been so much happier and energized since you came along", he said as he looked forward.

This words stayed with you for a long time, but there was still something missing. Something you wanted to see for yourself and Wooyoung didn't give it to you yet.

So you asked to meet up with him in hopes of seeing it.

"I know what you've been trying to do, you know? You're not discreet, Wooyoung-ie".

He was stunned. Was he getting rejected right now?

The bright smile in his face faded in front of you and you hated it the sight. Your instinct was to grab his hands in yours.

"I just wanted to see it for myself, Yeosang said you looked at me like Winnie the pooh looked at some honey", the smile in your lips only grew as you repeated the words.

Wooyoung was baffled, embarrassed and feeling a little betrayed, because at the end of the day he knew it was true.

"I just wanted more than words", you whispered as you saw it for yourself the effect you had on him. "But don't get me wrong, you are usually good with those".

"Usually?!"

You laughed as you intertwined your hands in his.

"Honey, you're blushing like a tomato right now", you thought he was blushing even more because of your teasing, but he wasn't.

He wouldn't ever tell you how much he loved the petname though.

[eatmeandbirthmeagain]

Can I request salahuddin and reader? It doesn’t have to be a ship just like a reaction really. I want the reader to be from another religion and she’s like really wild and like a troublemaker! Quite loud too! Like quite the opposite of salahuddin! I know it sounds crazy but I’m just very curious! Anyways love your work !!! <3

☆ Headcanons: Salahuddin x Outgoing Reader ☆

☆ Headcanons ☆

A/N: Hello Anon! Thank you for the request, I'm so glad you love my work! I do enjoy it when I get Salahuddin requests, I dont get many of them but when I do, I love it! I decided to do headcanons because I just thought it was better to get in more ideas out than a fic.

Also I hope you don't mind Anon but I made it a ship.. I couldn't help myself, it's such a cute dynamic. As always, this is based on the film Kingdom Of Heaven, not the real historical figures. Enjoy!

Okay to set the scene, you were the daughter of a powerful lord. A lord from a far away country looking to make a residence in the holy land in hopes of finding his daughter (you) a husband.

When Salahuddin first met you, he did not like you very much. Simple as that.

He thought you were immodest and loud.

However, after a little while of being around you he grew quite fond of you.

You weren't just loud, you were actually pretty fun to be around. And funny too.

More than once he had to stop himself from laughing at a comment that you made or a dumb joke.

You noticed this and made it your personal goal to make him lighten up a bit.

You were quite the trouble maker too. Always getting into something or getting into a fight with somebody.

He thought you were interesting. Things seemed much brighter around you for some reason that he could not quite place.

Salahuddin didn't know how to feel about you. He tried his best to be annoyed by your presence but your personality was far more vibrant than anybody he had ever met before.

He simply could not feel any negative emotions towards you. No matter how hard he tried.

No doubt he had taken a liking to you, but just how much he liked you and why wasn't evident until passing through the market with you, your father and a few other royal officials. 

After being caught stealing from a market stall, the owner (who did not recognise his king at the time) looked at him and yelled to “control your wife”. Salahuddin did not correct the angry man and simply apologized, pulling you away quickly.

He could not stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. You as his wife. Why didn't he correct the man? What was happening to him?

You were far too “untamed” to be a wife and you were not Muslim. It was just not possible.

But still, you stayed in his mind for the rest of the day.

This was obvious to you. You noticed that he was very quiet, especially around you and seemed to be in deep thought for a long while.

It had occurred to you that he did not correct the man at the market, perhaps that meant something?

You liked him, that's for sure. You liked how he tried so hard not to like you, it was oddly endearing for some reason. You couldn't quite put your finger on it.

That night, he couldn't sleep. You consumed his mind entirely.

There was something about you. Something that he tried so hard to ignore, but it wouldn't go away.

After hours of tossing and turning, he couldn't take it anymore and went to find you.

He knew you stayed up late every night, messing around with whatever you could get your hands on. 

He found you in the courtyard, halfway up a palm tree (??) for whatever reason. You never ceased to surprise him, he liked that.

Noticing him standing there, you jumped down from the tree and greeted him cheerfully.

The two of you took a walk around the courtyard, this was the first time you had been alone together.

“I could get used to this” he had thought.

You were your usual energetic self, even in the dead of night you were as colorful as ever.

You spoke of many things together, including how your father had not yet found somebody for you to marry and how you wished that somebody would ask you instead of him trying to find someone. 

As you said that, you looked up at him with a small smile that caused his heart to flutter slightly. This time, he didn't fight it.

You both talked for what felt like hours until Salahuddin suggested you both get some rest. You declined the offer but said that he was more than welcome to leave whenever he wished.

He simply smiled and told you goodnight before returning to his chambers.

He slept peacefully that night with the decision made that the following day, he would ask for your hand in marriage.

[yelenasdiary]

Read this or don't, that's completely fine. I was going to explain everything in a reply to an ask that I was sent but an anon that has nothing to do with this, they are lovely! I just think a post on its own is more appropriate.

Below the cut I warn you that topics like, Sexual Assault, Physical & Mental abuse are spoken about. Please do not bother to read this if you're not comfortable. I literally do not expect anybody to read this, I am simply posting this because of how I am feeling towards the asks I received before I went to bed last night.

I just want to say that I've been open about certain things in my life on here and that is simply because I want my blog to welcome everybody (within reason). I want those who unfortunately have been through similar stuff to feel seen, heard and know you are loved! I want those who feel alone to know that you're never alone, I am here for you, my blog is here for you.

This isn't the first time I have received asks about my sexual experiences. A month or two ago I received a spam of asks that I never answered because of how disturbing and outright disgusting they were. Now, after last night, I feel that I need post this. I am not asking for anything in return, I just want to make that clear. All I want is for people to understand the hurt I am currently feeling.

I've always been open on here about the fact that I am a virgin. It's nothing that I feel ashamed about, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I know there are plenty of people like myself who are also virgins. I wish there were more people who are open about being a virgin, if people can be so open about the fact they aren't a virgin, why can't we be open about the fact we are?

So when this anon asked if I was a virgin, I was honest and said yes. My mind was already racing with "oh god, what's next?" and I was just hoping whoever they are was jus being curious. But instead, I feel like they've made me ashamed of the fact I am a virgin, 25 and write smut.

TW; SA, Physical & Mental Abuse Mentioned -

A few of you would already know that unfortunately yes, I am a victim of sexual assault. I was a child and it was something that happened daily for a couple of years. Due to this, I have trauma, PTSD, depression and anxiety. I grew up with little knowledge on the basics of sex because of how triggering it was for me. I couldn't sit in on sexual education classes, I couldn't joke around about penis's with my friends let along look at one. For so long, I genuinely believed what happened to me was normal. I was 12 when I realised it wasn't.

It took me years to even be okay with the topic of sex, to see it in movies or even think of it. My sexuality wasn't something I always questioned, I had a big crush on Bieber during my teen years and there were a few other male celebrities that I found rather attractive, it wasn't until I was 17 that I saw women in a different way and tbh, the feeling I got from thinking about myself in a relationship with a woman was a lot more comforting then it was to thinking of myself with a male.

Did my abuse make me bisexual? Maybe. I don't know. I don't really care. I like women a lot more than I like men, I feel more comfortable talking to women than I do men.

Did my abuse stop me from having 'normal' teenage experiences? Yes. I have never physically been with anybody, I have never kissed anybody nor have I ever been on a date. Is that sad? maybe to some, to me? No.

I have little to no trust in males. Given that my abuser also physically abused me for such little things and mentally, I don't know what it feels like to not have the thoughts I do about myself. This person has ruined so much of my life and has had control over what I do because of the trauma they caused me.

But all that aside for a moment, I am still a human. I am a woman who still feels things. I am learning every day of new things. I have done plenty of research for the things I felt I missed out on in school. I have a best friend who is so fucking patient and understanding with me that he will explain things to me if needed.

Writing & reading smut over the last year has been really good for me. I don't mean that in a weird way, I mean that in a way it has helped me explore things I didn't know were a thing, it has helped me grow more comfortable with sex and that sex is a normal thing. Don't worry, I know what is written in smut is purely fiction, I know what happens in porn isn't real. I am not stupid.

But I can't sit here and say that smut has been really helpful. Some of you might not understand that and that's okay. But I have come a long way with being comfortable and finally feeling like I can be open about things I enjoy.

Back to this anon.

Yes, I am 25 and never had sex. I have never voluntarily sucked a guy off. i have never voluntarily slept with a male, touched a male or seen a males body. Why any of that is important to you makes no sense to me. You have brought back things that I wish to not think about. You have made me feel triggered and as though I shouldn't be writing such topics because of my lack of experience. You had no consideration whats so ever and I believe found it rather funny.

I am feeling so many feelings and having thoughts that I wish to express but I know you'll most likely see it has a sob story and make matters worse. What I do hope though is that if you have read this that you understand that your words and actions hurt. I am not weak for telling you this, I am not weak for not having any sexual experience, I am not weak for asking you to understand that your thoughtless actions were not called for.

I do not need to have sex to know what I am doing. I do not need to have sex with a cis male to know how to write about dicks. I do not need you to make me feel ashamed of this either.

This is already such a long post and I don't even expect anybody to still be reading this but if you are, please, please remember to always be kind! spread love, support and happiness. You honest have no idea what your words and actions can do to somebody. Be aware and be considerate, you would never want your closest friends to feel that way I am currently feeling.

I am sending love to everybody, if you ever need a friend to talk too my DMS//asks are always open. I will listen and be whoever it is you need 💜

[quanticowrites]

Surf (Kate Whistler x Reader)

•• First Whistler fic! For anon, I hope you enjoy! ••

“Ow! God damn it!”

“If you’d stop moving, this would be less painful!”

“You’re putting too much pressure! It’s going to start bleeding again!”

“I’m certified in this shit, (y/n).” She said, tightening the bandage some more around your waist. “I know what I’m doing.” You winced. Well, you had no one to blame but yourself for getting shot. You’d hesitated because the shooter was so young. Kate leaned back on her knees and sighed. “You never should have been there in the first place.”

“I was doing just fine until-!” You stopped and took a sharp intake of breath through your teeth. Yelling did not help the pain that blossomed from your torso. “Fuck.”

“Don't strain yourself.” She stated, getting off the bed and helping you get leaned up against some pillows at the headboard. “Tennant knew I would object to this. That's why she was sure to get you out there before I could say anything.” She paused as if she wanted you to say something. Maybe tell her she was wrong. Unfortunately…she wasn't. Jane knew how Kate would feel about you going into deep cover, so she rushed you out of the building as fast as possible before Kate’s FBI team could catch wind of her plan. There was a new chain of dry cleaners popping up on the island, but it was a front for a drug ring trying to establish itself here. Jane wanted to nip it in the bud before it could get out of control. So, she put you on the inside. You'd been under for two weeks before this incident. Meaning you had two weeks of Kate ranting to go before she got over it. “Are you going to object?” She asked, crossing her arms. You scoffed.

“No, I'm not. I agreed with Tennant’s decision.” You saw her jaw clench. She wasn't happy about this new revelation.

“You what?”

“I chose to go undercover.”

“Why would you do that?” You blinked. She hadn't been informed of that part?

“Kate, I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. I've been with NCIS just as long as you've been with the FBI.”

“It's not that-.” She huffed. “I just…you couldn't find two minutes to tell me about it?”

“Not really.” You start, already not liking the answer you had to give. “With helping Ernie make the fake background and social media to Tennant running me out of there…my mind was scrambling.” Kate sighed again. But this one seemed more understanding. If that made sense. She gently sat on the other side of the bed. Doing her best not to jostle you.

“FBI Agents go dark in the field all the time.” She started to fidget with her fingers. Picking at her nails and peeling the nail polish off in chunks. “I'm used to that at work. But…I never thought that might happen with you.” She laughed. “I don't know why, you're an agent just like I am. It could happen to us at any moment.”

“Come on, Kate. It's late. Lay down.” You lifted the blanket and Kate sent you a smile before snuggling underneath and curling up close to you. “How about…we have a secret word.” She blinked, her lips twitching upwards.

“Like…for sex?” You laughed, before biting your lip. Laughing that hard did not help the pain from your gunshot wound.

“N-no. Not for s-sex.” You waited until you regained your composure before telling her your actual idea. “For if one of us gets called to go undercover.” You saw her eyes moving through scenes in her mind. She ultimately nodded.

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“I have good ideas.”

“On occasion.”

“I have good ideas all the time!”

“Tell that to the last load of laundry you did.”

“I genuinely thought adding bleach and detergent at the same time would wash both white and regular clothes.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“No one! I just thought of it!” You reached your hand out and held a finger to the tip of her nose. “Anyway, you're getting off-topic. We still gotta pick a word.”

“Alright. Fine.”

“How about…Aristotle?”

“The Philosopher?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Okay. Cheetos?”

“Cheetos?”

“They're my favorite junk food.”

“I already knew that.” You moved your finger to her forehead. “Let's pick a word that can be easily moved into a conversation. In case we have to be quick about it.”

“How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time.”

“It baffles the mind.” You looked her over with a smile. “Come on, that brain of yours can think of something.”

“Then….how about surf?” You nodded. That was a practical word for two agents that worked in Hawaii. Surfing was one of the most popular things to do on the island. It could work.

“That's perfect.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Kate.” You sighed, feeling the constraints of your bandages. “Your bandage skills aren't perfect though.”

Tag list:

@stanathanxoox , @nikkiwierden , @malindacath , @havlindzk , @countrygal17a , @memyselfandmaddox , @octobersmog , @mizzezm , @diaryofafan17 , @emmitheacefangirl , @a-sad-excuse-of-everything , @marennnx

[misc-obeyme]

congratulations on 500!!

I absolutely love your writing and have been meaning to send in a request haha, so is it okay if I request satan with the prompt silence?

thank you if you do it, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡

Hi there, anon!

I'm so glad you've been enjoying my writing and decided to make a request! I love Satan and this was fun to write!

Thank you for participating!

GN!MC x Satan with prompt Silence

Warnings: none!

It had been a long day at the House of Lamentation. Everything that could possibly have gone wrong did. You were in the common room with the brothers where you had all been subjected to over an hour of lecturing from Lucifer. He had finally gone back to his office, leaving you all to your own devices.

The rest of the brothers began to engage in their usual activities. You were sitting beside Satan, who was engrossed in a new detective novel.

Things were peaceful for only a few moments before Mammon and Levi started arguing about something. It wasn't long before things got heated and somehow Asmo got pulled into the argument. They went back and forth, the noise level of the room steadily increasing as each of them got more annoyed with each other.

You could see Satan's eye twitching, even though he was clearly trying to ignore them and focus on his book.

You knew you couldn't just sit by and let Satan explode, which seemed inevitable at this point. You put a hand on his knee, which caused him to look at you.

"C'mon," you said. "It's getting noisy in here. Let's go read in your room."

You watched as he tried to fight the blush that crept onto his face. "Whatever you like, MC."

You took his hand and pulled him out of the room. The others continued to argue as you left them behind.

Satan didn't speak as you guided him to his room. This was a good location because the others generally knew better than to disturb him here.

You sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at him. "Wasn't there a book you wanted me to read?"

"There are many books I think you should read," he said. "But if you mean the one I was talking about earlier, then yes, I have it right here." He turned to a stack of books, taking one off the top and bringing it over to you.

You took the book he offered, smiling as it was very clearly a book you would enjoy. Satan had taken the time to get to know your reading style and the kind of books you liked most. Now he always had the best recommendations for you.

The two of you settled back on Satan's bed. He sat up against some pillows with you between his legs, leaning back against him. He wrapped one arm around your waist, holding you close while he held his book in his other hand. The two of you sat in silence for some time, both of you content in your reading.

A slight shifting of fabric reached your ears as Satan set his book down so he could put his other arm around you. He pulled you in closer, pressing his face into your neck.

"You knew I was about to lose control earlier, didn't you?" he asked quietly, his voice slightly muffled.

"It's been a long day," you said casually. "I was about to lose it myself."

Satan laughed shortly. "You don't have to pretend," he said. "I know I make your job more difficult."

You put your book down and twisted around in his arms so you were on your knees in front of him. He looked up at you with an unreadable expression.

You held his face in your hands. "You don't make my job any more difficult than any of your brothers do. You've said that being with me makes you feel calm. Do you have any idea what that means to me?"

Satan's grip on your waist tightened. "I…" he began to say, but trailed off. He seemed uncertain how to say what he was feeling.

You smiled, shook your head, and kissed him. Satan pulled you into him, holding you against his body as he kissed you back. One hand left your waist, trailing up your back to end up tangled in your hair.

Satan seemed to find it much easier to show you how he felt and he made it very clear as a different type of silence filled the room.

the original prompt list

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[literatureloverx]

HIII<3 How have you been doing rn? Are you eating and drinking right? Getting a good sleep? (If not then please do🙏🙏, if you have a hard time to do them then try and make a schedule or a reminder to do it, it's helpful❤️❤️)

The MBTI post was something (in an amazing way obv🤩🤩) Like seriously the amount of work you did just to write them??? Augh truly you are god sent(=^^=). You're so smart, kind and pretty😍😍 that I can't help to turn into dazai and get on my knees and beg you to never ever dissappear. Speaking of that everyday I see myself in your blog re reading everything patiently waiting for the next post(this might come off as desperate I'm sorry😭) you've become a regular part of my life. Okay okay we've lost track I'm sorry, while reading the MBTI post I couldn't help but giggle and stuff cause I'm an INFP which is fyodor type. I'm so in love it's crazy. Istg if I didn't control myself I would've been broke from buying everything about this man.(currently reading white night and why do i find it so funny for some reason🤭🤭 maybe it's cause it's fyodor) and you are so right why is this man not real? How are we not right besides him drinking tea, reading or just simply doing anything? I love him and you😘❤️❤️

Also my baby ryunosuke akutagawa is there too🥺🥺 I can't wait to see more of him🤗🤗he deserves lots of love😔🥺

That chuuya nsfw post🤭🤭 seriously that was so nice to read. The way that this man is so other worldly handsome(... Yk his fictional... ). Of course that's not the only thing I like about him. His very smart mostly street smart which is something I don't really have. I admire his humanity . The way his back story was made and everything else about him??? Love it. He's a lot like my oc who i adore alot and I can't help but be sad over the way they're treated in their respective world. I just wanna dote on my babies🥺🥺😔 but alas.

That was a lot of yapping😭😭Anyway I hope you have or had a good day dear<3

Sincerely—🧛🏻‍♀️🫀anon

You’re so adorable, 🧛🏻‍♀️🫀-anon!❤️

It’s so interesting that every single dominant Fi user seems to develop an obsession with me. I’m definitely sensing a pattern. I wonder why that is? Lmao.

Jokes aside, how did I not guess it? A vampire and a heart emoji (very Gothic Lolita-coded, if you ask me), the use of many emojis, the excitement in your tone, the sense of humor, the way you express yourself…it all makes so much more sense now. ♥️

And omg, the way you praise me is just 😍. I might actually faint. The most amazing compliment for me is being called smart/intelligent, so… I’m on my knees!

I could put my name on everything you said about Chuuya, and especially for Fyodor. That man is simply ethereal.

There are no words that wouldn’t fail to express and depict his greatness. He makes me talk like Shakespeare in a very obsessive and impulsive manner (which is not like me at all), and it’s not even funny anymore (I’m so in love).

This is me looking at Fyodor:

[v3nusxsky]

Hi there!! I would absolutely LOVE a super duper fluffy age regression fic with lady lesso if it isnt too much trouble!! Your fanfictions are simply lovely, they make a lot of people happy, i myself included. Keep up the AMAZING work, you're doing such a good job!! :))))

Hey lovely anon, thank you for your kind words I hope this is what you were looking for my lovely.

Little dove~ fluff

*Authors note~ I feel like a motherly lesso is just top tier and I absolutely adore the prompt. Your kind words are fuelling my mind to write I don't know how I feel about this one :(*

Trigger warnings~ regression little r cg lesso

Prompt~ tumblr anon~ Hi there!! I would absolutely LOVE a super duper fluffy age regression fic with lady lesso if it isnt too much trouble!! Your fanfictions are simply lovely, they make a lot of people happy, i myself included.

Keep up the AMAZING work, you're doing such a good job!! :)))

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

You had been regressing for years, most of that time you spent alone. In your little state all you could desire was someone to hold you, comfort you, and play with you. Yet you couldn't have that. You had to keep your regression to yourself. It wasn't safe for you to be open, you knew what would happen and what would be said if this got out. That's why you did your very best to hide.

You joined the staff at the newly joint school for good and evil, you thought it would be easy to hide. After al being around adults and teens would force you to stay in your "big" state. Knowing you had responsibilities for these students just kept you on track. Little did you know you would meet the love of your life here. And that women, was the one and only Dean of Evil, Lady Leonora Lesso. Suddenly hiding your regression had never been harder.

Spending time with Lesso, caused you to feel safe and content, which meant you felt yourself slipping a lot more often than usual. And that was okay. When you had been caught in your little state by your girlfriend, she handled it impeccably well, immediately amplifying her motherly instincts and coming to hold you. That was truly the first time you had ever felt so safe and content in this mindset. That fact caused you to slip even further than you had before, knowing that your Nora had you. You were safe in her arms.

The next day, you and your girlfriend had a long chat about your need to regress, what if anything you required from her and any words that would upset or trigger you in that mind set. You instantly told her about your special box, that contained your little items. From that day forward you were to find your lover if you felt the urge to slip, she would call you her little princess or her little Angel. You called her momma. Finally for the first time in your life you felt loved, safe and cared for.

Unfortunately not everyone was understanding as you knew. Your classes had been particularly difficult today and you constantly felt the urge to slip, you were showing subtle signs that you knew your girlfriend would pick up on but others would ignore. On your way to the staff meeting you couldn't help but notice just how much the slip would be needed. Your desire to hold it off till after the meeting was strong, you couldn't let anyone know.

Your control dwindled quickly and you couldn't stop the slip. Others instantly picking up on the change, your thumb found it's way to your lips and you were slightly sucking on it. It was a self soothing manner you had developed in the little land. You began to blink incredibly slowly and fiddling with your sleeves, until a comment was made. That one comment filled you with panic, you immediately let your eyes dart around the room in search of your momma. Unable to find her you did the only thing your little brain could think of. You cried and fled the room. Your legs carrying you to your safe place, your home, your momma.

You didn't knock when you reached her room, you just tore through the room in an panic, searching or your special box. Lesso was immediately on edge when you entered without your teasing comments or that beautiful smile that met your eyes. She was up and on her feet following you having a small guess on what state you where in. When she found you, your contents of the box were thrown all over the floor as you clutched a bear to your chest, playing the the hair of the bear. Tears streaming down your cheeks as you began to rock yourself slowly.

Lesso came to kneel in front of you, carful not to touch you until you initiated it, and whispered "why's my little angel crying?" Alerting you her presence, you threw yourself into her safe embrace while stuttering and mumbling a babbled explanation of what had happened. Clearly, you weren't able to communicate what had happened so she settled on comforting her princess. She showered you with love, reassurance and praise. You were her baby and she adored you. Calming you down is her priority, she would find the cause later and punish them accordingly.

It took some time for you to calm your little mind enough to explain to her what was said. Really and truly it wasn't that bad and you knew that, but I'm that mindset it was the worst thing that could've been said. Being told to grow up when you mentally can't is hard to hear. Lady lesso knew just how that would've affected you, so she focused her attention and energy on you. You were her baby, and she didn't want you to be hurting. Showering you with affection before she helped you stand so she could carry you to her chambers. Your thumb finding its way to your mouth again, your body becoming sleepy as you felt her heart beating bellow your hand.

"Pretty princess are you tired baby?" She murmured bringing a hand to rub your back. "Yes momma" you whimpered before yawning into her neck. That's how you found yourself snuggled up to the older women on her bed, with your bear and lesso you felt like nothing in the world could never hurt you.

Word count~ 1008

[polyamorouspunk]

This is for Weed Tips anon;

I've tried it before, and I have to give you a big heads up for trying weed; If you're one who gets nervous SUPER super easy when it comes to changes in your body, DO NOT go hard on it.

If you try smoking it, please mind the dosage and wait a few minutes before smoking it again if you don't feel the effects immediately. If you try an edible, for the love of everything PLEASE read the instructions if possible and only eat a SMALL amount depending on the amount that's in it. Edibles take a long while for the effects to hit your system, so when you see that popular meme of "'This edible ain't shit' *an hour later* 'I can taste colors'" it really is what that feels like.

Your body will relax a lot and will feel extra heavy if you don't go easy on it. I panic easily if I don't feel like I'm in control of my body. That alone has made me have a few bad trips because I felt like I wasn't feeling the effects I should have, then took another hit and ended up pretty much stuck in place for an hour or two screaming in my head because I couldn't move a muscle, not even to speak.

The stuff I've tried relaxes your body a LOT. My partner is fine with that because he has severe pain sometimes and it helps him take his mind off things for a while and feel comfortable. He enjoys it, I don't, unless I hit it extra light so I can still be able to move.

My biggest tip is if you want to try it for the first time, make sure you have someone you trust with you in case you have a bad trip and need some reassurance just in someone being present with you. Don't do it when you know you have to drive somewhere. Be in a safe environment and definitely have some snacks and water or other hydration with you. The Weed Munchies will hit ya lol

I don't want to discourage you from trying, but if you don't have a disclaimer, it really can be a bit scary if you're not told ahead of time. I hope this helped in some way though! Good luck to you anon <3

-@hoodieanon

I must apologize, i forgot to mention 🫐 anon by name. I didn't realize until reading 🫐 anon's ask back again heh

Yeah this is why I haven’t been able to try it, because I can’t do it at home, anywhere I go I drive myself, and I don’t have any irl friends who smoke. I don’t have a safety net here to try it outside of my mom who I don’t feel like she would be supportive of it even though in the past she says she would be but when I’ve actually been like okay here I go she’s like NOPE. Same with drinking. Anywhere I go out that I don’t drive my mom drives. Otherwise I drive meaning I would have to drive home. I don’t have anyone’s house or mutual place I can try stuff at without driving myself to/from, let alone any actual like. Friends.

[peachyghuleh]

I hope it's ok if I suggest this, but maybe a comforting little thing where someone spirals and is feeling unsafe in themselves with Copia helping them cope? (teehee cope-ia)

Hello lovely anon! Of course! I hope this is what you were wanting, if I misunderstood please do another ask to clarify and I'll write another ❤️❤️

TW: MENTIONS OF SH AND VAGUE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE PLEASE DON'T READ BELOW THE CUT IF THIS COULD TRIGGER YOU

You had spent days upon days stuck in your quarters, stewing in your wretched feelings. Slowly, you spiralled into a state where you felt like the only way to quell your feelings was utterly self-destructive. Laying in your cold, dark room the only thing on your mind was the razor in the bathroom and the collection of painkillers in your medicine cabinet. As much as you tried to combat those feelings, they just wouldn't leave you alone. All you wanted to do was feel that sharp pain across your arm once more, but you couldn't, you knew you couldn't. 

You heard a soft knock at your door, "tesoro, can I come in please? I haven't seen you in days and I'm worried" it was Copia.

You continued lying in your bed, not making a sound, hoping he'd just leave, you didn't want him to see you in this state.

"Okay cara, I'm going to come in, I hope you're decent."

The creaking of the door and slow, steady footsteps pulled you out of the state you were in and brought you back into the real world. "Cara? What's wrong? Can…can I see your face? Please?"

You didn't want him to see your tear-stained face so you stayed put in bed.

"Please, I'm worried about you."

You couldn't deny that you needed support and you knew Copia wouldn't take no for an answer so you came out from under the covers and looked at him.

"Oh cara" He made his way towards you, holding out his arms, ready to embrace you. Holding you tight he whispered in your ear "it's okay tesoro, I'm here now, do you think you could tell me what's wrong?"

After sobbing into his chest for a good 5 minutes you felt well enough to tell him your worries. "Copia…I'm…scared, scared of what's going on in my head…scared of my thoughts." He stroked your hair gently and with such devotion.

"Cara, I have to ask, but please know you can trust me, what thoughts are you having?"

You hesitated, wondering whether or not to reveal the fire raging in your mind. "I've had…intrusive thoughts. About hurting myself mostly." You told him hesitantly, "b-but I've not done anything this time I swear Copia!"

"This time? Cara, have you…ever done anything like that before?"

"Yes. The urges are just so fucking hard to control." You started sobbing, feeling immensely vulnerable in that moment. He pulled you into his chest.

"Tesoro, I cannot describe how proud I am that you managed to overcome this today, the fact that you didn't do anything, even with those thoughts raging is incredible."

"I-I'm scared Copia, I don't feel safe."

"Tesoro, come and stay with me for a bit, I can keep an eye on you and we can play some games, si? You can even hold my rats!"

You nodded, content and feeling safer being around someone who understood how you felt.

──────── ⛤⋅⛧⋅⛤ ─────────

Peachy⛧Ghuleh

[plural-culture-is]

Okay, I'm seriously questioning being a plural or somehow counting as a plural because there are a LOT of common experiences of plurals that don't feel right but also a LOT of common experiences of plurals which is something I've had for as long as I can remember

When I was younger, I had at least 4 imaginary friends that I honestly don't remember much about, but I probably didn't control or didn't feel like I controlled any of them, as they did things on their own that were a bit difficult for a child at my age to think, like sit somewhere on their own because they were tired (according to my mother) and still had quite a different personality from me, but they weren't inspired by me at all (as a girl from rainbow hair who wore jeans? I DON'T EVEN LIKE JEANS!!!), but I honestly don't know if I really imagined them on my own or not, I just know that they disappeared some time later and I never saw them again

Sometimes, when I'm really stressed, I write texts talking about how I would protect myself or how I would treat myself well if I "were there" and hmmm maybe it's just some form of self embracement? idk

Since I was very young, I've had A LOT of problems with identities, including various dissociations (with unusual frequency) where I couldn't look at or think about my face or myself in general without literally feeling unreal, or somehow "in the wrong body", I thought for a while that it could be dysphoria or something but I realized that no, it's just feeling like I shouldn't be there but also feeling like you shouldn't be anywhere or even exist in fact. Also, my gender is inconsistent, I don't have ANY name or title that I'm comfortable with or that "sounds like me" (and even when one sounds good, once I start using it it always starts to sound wrong), my pronouns are endless because there's no right pronoun for me so I just accept them all, my sexuality and feelings in general also always seem SO weird, like I don't have any fixed identity, like I'm a shapeshifter who changes all the time and doesn't have a single true or close to true form, and that's annoying. It almost doesn't even feel like I'm a person. I don't even identify as human or feel like I'm any species or concept, everything feels right and wrong at the same time.

I don't inherently feel like there are people in my brain that are separate from me, but I feel like my identity is a weird mix of various people's identities, like there's nothing right because technically all of this is right and all of that is wrong at the same time.

I, since I heard about the experiences of being a system, felt something very strange, like a feeling that I should be that. Something like an ache because "hm, I should be that, but for some bad luck I'm not", it was almost sad, like "bro i want to be a separate person instead of THAT WEIRD MIX"

I also don't feel like there are people "controlling" me, nor do I "hear voices" (no more than those normal voices of thought), much less do I have an "inner world", I just... I feel like I am "one thing that shouldn't be just ONE thing", if that makes sense, like "I'm just one person, but something tells me there should be more people here" and at the same time it scares me because my whole I've been that "together", I also know that it seems wrong to say that I'm "just one person" because I technically AM one person, but not in the way that one person is just one person, but in the way that a fusion of Steven Universe could be considered one person while assuming that it is a mixture of different people that have come together so well that there is now only one person.

I think that's it? I'll probably say more if I remember, so I'll just call myself "🤔 anon" for now

(Btw, if it's important information: I'm autistic, I have ADHD, I have OCD, I'm probably BPD and I'm almost certainly AvPD, and maybe-but-not-sure DPD and do have trauma so... hm, i hope it helps 🐞)

(🤔 anon) ANOTHER VERY COMMON EXPERIENCE FOR ME is how many times I find myself saying "we" did something when I mean "I" did something. But "I" always feels wrong because I feel like there were more "parts" of me in that situation. Maybe it's something along the lines of "I had too many thoughts at the time to say it was just one person thinking", but I'm not entirely sure.

Another experience that I also think is important to mention: There is a kind of fictional "default" scenario in my brain that I usually imagine myself. It's almost like a world of its own and I can almost feel myself there. It's my grandmother's house (where, funnily enough, most of my dreams, that aren't in totally non-existent places, happen) and there's a kind of party going on, so all the people at the party (my family) are gathered in one place and sometimes I automatically start imagining myself in this scenario showing them things. Other times, that scenario is a little less visual, but I'm still showing them all these things and listening to their docile responses. They practically NEVER react like my family would (or even close to it) and in fact, even though in my head their image is VERY LIKE my family, I never refer to them by my family names, let alone feel any connection to them and my real family.

Of course I have a few other imaginary scenarios, like when I imagine myself hosting a show or something, but it's different, because those are more conscious scenarios, whereas it almost feels wrong not to talk to "my fictional family" if I like to something. Maybe this is just a way of dealing with the fact that I don't feel like there are enough people in my life that I can talk about my tastes, but it's still weird that I can spend literally 4 hours straight in a quiet room without a single device or distraction, just talking to my fictional family about anything.

Also, another thing that might be useful: I've tried MANY times to separate myself into several "persons" to try to understand my identity, but I always have to fill in endless blanks and it's literally impossible for me to say which traits of mine match each of these "persons".

Think of it as seeing a ball of yarn and trying to unravel it in order to make several clothes because it was big enough to make dozens of coats! But then you started to unravel it and you realized how all these threads are too small to make one garment by themselves, but they are all too different to come together to make one garment. So all those threads are stuck in the state of "being a mess" because there isn't anything they could be harmoniously, whether it's several whole garments or a single garment made up of all the threads.

honestly some of that is relatable for us, those were some of our feelings when we were first questioning if we're a system. maybe you're a median system, which could be why you can't separate yourself into distinct individuals, or maybe you have did/osdd which means you don't necessarily have to identify as plural, you could see it in the more medicalised view of you're not multiple people, but you do have different identities that you dissociate between (and if you don't have distinct identities it's more likely to be osdd-1a). also, as a monoconscious system, we don't usually "hear" headmates speaking because in order for them to speak they'd have to be conscious, and it's difficult for more than one headmate to be conscious at once. we also don't feel anyone "controlling" us because we have non-possessive switches, so we just feel as though we become each other. so that's possibly what's going on for you. or maybe you're another type of plural that doesn't have a name yet or we haven't heard of. also that family thing is interesting but unfortunately i have no input to give on it. i'm asking people reading this to let anon know if you relate to any of this and maybe give your own input, if you'd like. but as always, only you can know if you're a system. also having an unstable identity and taking on traits of other people can be a part of bpd. so just make sure you do your research before you decide what label/s (if any) to go with!

[sunflwryu]

tldr; i'm probably not going to write on this blog anymore.

i don't want to say that i won't completely because hey, maybe one day i'll feel like it, but this is what i wanted to say because i don't want to leave you all waiting...well, it's likely you've stopped after some due to my inactivity and that's okay and valid!

i became inactive here because i wasn't enjoying writing anymore, nor was i into k-pop that much, especially since i was into it a lot to help me cope with how terrible and lonely my life was and felt, and sometimes it still is. writing became somewhat of a hollow thing for me, and i tried so many times to write my drafts, to get the words out, but i couldn't. i would be taking things out of my control that had to do with my blog and writing to heart, i would get so frustrated and depressed at myself to the point that i put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to write something, anything, and when i didn't, my thoughts would spiral on top of what i already had to deal with irl.

so i left this tumblr behind for the sake of myself, hoping that maybe my passion and love for writing would reignite after a break, but it hasn't, not for this blog, only for the journal entries i wrote to cope with my daily life and mental health. i've never been much of a social media person anyway.

i feel like a completely different person than when i was last here. i'm not into k-pop anymore and i barely know what's going on in terms of news and drama but i'll tune into some songs and the older ones that give me nostalgia from simpler times. i've made friends who genuinely appreciate me and i've gotten better at setting my boundaries when it matters and taking care of myself. i have someone that genuinely likes me and always is there for me and tells me i'm beautiful everyday without fail. my skin has gotten better and less painful these days too.

there's a lot that's happened since my last post a few months ago, but what i can say is my life has improved, although there are things i'm still working on, including my ultimate goal i'm still reaching for of a happiness that isn't so fragile.

i want to focus on that goal now.

that's not to say that this blog doesn't mean that much to me, because it does. it helped me so much back then to cope with what horrible things i was dealing with, to write about a world that's not this one, to help others who maybe felt like me, to free my heart of the ideas i kept suppressed for a long time. it really built that foundation for me to grow as i am now.

so thank you so much for all the likes, all the reblogs, the comments, the moots, the readers, the followers, the anons, everyone who's ever set sights on this little blog of mine.

thank you for sticking with me along the way and helping me to make this blog a place that i'm proud to look back upon, to reread my works again and remember how much fun i had writing them. thank you for liking them and telling me your thoughts, thank you for giving them love because that made me happier amidst what i was going through at the time. i hope i was able to give you all comfort and entertainment through the works i enjoyed to write.

i'll pop in sometimes (no promises on the frequency of that), read some stuff, answer asks, make major update posts, but i don't think i'll be around too much. oh, and don’t worry, my blog will stay up, i’ll never personally take it down unless smthg else interferes. if you've read this far, congratulations! have a heart ♥

but seriously, thank you for everything. — yumi

—

p.s. credits to @argodeon for the banner/image! it's so beautiful!

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Hey lys. How do i accept myself? How do i let go of the hurt from the past and the guilt?

I hope you're doing great! Take care 💕

Hi Anon, I'm doing okay and I hope you can too :)

Healing is a long path, so first of all allow yourself time. Do not rush things, do not overwork yourself even in healing but give yourself time to breathe and do something you enjoy, something not inherently related with healing. Be patient and kind, as you'll probably have fallbacks (even harsh ones at times) and doubts if you're doing the right thing. That's all normal, that's the process. So try to stay focused on your practice or, even better, seek for help to professionals: I'm not one of them so I can only talk from my experience and what I have been trying to learn, but professional figures do study upon these things and they can help you more accurately and also specifically for your situation.

Back to what I was saying about taking breaks... you can also take advantage of these periods to know yourself better: sometimes when we do not accept ourself, it's due to the fact that we look at ourself through the eye of someone else, someone who couldn't make us notice all the beautiful traits we possess but only made us focus on the little "flaws" (we're human, we cannot be perfect according to the definition of perfection of anyone -yeah, a standard "perfect" does not exist, no matter what society wants you to think. Look for example at models online and you see how much the so called "beauty standards" have changed in the last 50 years).

Now the thing is: what you cannot accept of yourself? And why? If it doesn't hurt you too much, you can try and analyze these questions. Generally, accepting yourself is about forgiving yourself, first and foremost. You don't have to be someone you're not, you're already perfect and even a mistake cannot change this. Then, realize that behind all the "bad" you are focusing on now, there's lot of good and try to see it and focus on it too. Balancing your bad traits (what you perceive or were taught are such) with the more positive ones also through affirmations (but to start this: what do you consider positive and what negative? It's important that you try and work from your own set of values imo or refer to the ones of someone you can trust to start with). Remind yourself your worth is there and you don't have to compare with anyone to have it estimated; your worth doesn't depend on anyone else nor a few failures or imperfections can mine it. Accepting yourself means you accept yourself even when you're wrong cause you know you cannot be perfect all the times and mistakes are about learning and growing, and even bettering yourself if you really think you need (just for you, not for others). Meditation can help you too, but even more trying to find your strong points, realizing you cannot control everything or please everyone around you (and let yourself down doing this), being proud of all the nice and good things you have done and traits you possess, be more positive (not saying to avoid seeing the negative, but again, balance more) and kind with yourself (once again, forgive yourself more about mistakes), and surround yourself with people that you feel can really help you see the real you or help you let it out. People you feel safer with and start to be you without fearing being judged or them not liking you: the more you get out of the shell, the more you'll be able to be seen by people that are good for you. Not everyone will like you, and that's okay: you don't have to adapt to them to be liked at all costs. You are worthy of acceptance even if someone is not for you (we're not for everyone as everyone is not for us).

About hurt and guilt, it's basically the same story. And it's all related with your self acceptance too. What are they caused by? What hurts and what are you feeling guilty of? Again, accepting that what we're talking about is a past-related situation and that you cannot change what has been, can be a good start. To keep staying connected with a situation that is closed (you're the only one keeping it alive in your mind, probably trying to search for unconscious confirmations of your "unworthiness" in the way minds usually like to do), to keep overthinking the reasons and all, is not good. It won't change anything of that, it will only hurt you on and on and make you see yourself everyday worse. Try to not neglect these feelings you have but work through them together with yourself too (and with others as well, if you need). Try to be a little less judgemental about yourself, your choices, your words, your decisions... you did them for a reason (even if you were taught you are not worthy and were harshly judged for anything "bad" you did, it's not so. Forgive yourself: if you made a decision you regret or deem as wrong or made a mistake, it's cause you didn't know something, very likely).

We all do something wrong in life, but we don't have to keep having our inner critic reminding ourself of how unworthy we are because of them. Cause we're not. And we can slowly unlearn this by being kinder with ourselves, by giving ourselves more support and acceptance (something we didn't get when we needed the most). Our worth, our abilities, do not depend solely on one single (or a bunch of) fact or a (few) mistake or a (some) failing point, something that didn't go as we wanted or mean to. The more we do and live, the more possibilities of failing and making mistakes we create. That's okay. To not make mistakes or not fail, we just have to not do anything: but that's not what we're here for (despite what our minds want us to do by keeping us in this cycle of hurt, guilt and harsh self judgement and telling us how "unable to do" we are, as your mind seems to do too). We're much more than that, so refocus on who you really are and all your other successes (be objective: you have them. Even getting out of bed on a tough day is a success). Take your time and space to get over the situation (to grieve what has been), to really be more compassionate with yourself cause it wasn't and it still is not easy to go through it all. Do not dismiss your feelings, ever.

I wrote this post about guilt, so maybe you can find more insights here too.

Hope this very long post somehow gives you some hints on how to start working on getting out of that cycle. All the best, here I am if you need. Take care :)

[drukhari]

I just had a weird thought: see I have a fairly small chest (like small enough that I get mistaken for a guy), and I've been thinking about top surgery but ik I can get away with my small chest not to mention I wouldn't have to deal with transphobic family being particularly vocal about their transphobia... but I was thinking okay maybe top surgery is something I can get a little down the line but then at the same time I was thinking what if I get it in like 5 years and I would have had wasted 5 years of me being happier and it's like now I have to rush to make this decision but objectively I know I don't have to rush and I should take my time but I just feel like whenever I do decide to get top surgery, I will inevitably have that thought of "I've wasted so much time, I could've had it before" and idk I just feel very conflicted, like I'm postponing my own happiness

If you feel like you're postponing your own happiness, that kind of implies that you're already not happy with the state of things (or at the very least, not as happy as you'd like to be) and to me that's a very important point to acknowledge. Contrary to what some people may think, you don't need some grandiose reason for why you want to pursue any gender affirming surgery. If you truly feel that having it will make you happier than you already are, then to me that's enough.

Depending on where you live, the process of pursuing top surgery can already take some time and can involve having to have conversations at the very least with prospective surgeons (if not also a therapist, particularly when it comes to getting health insurance to cover it), so those kinds of conversations may help to either confirm your choice or bring up important considerations that maybe you hadn't thought of before. I know one thing I did myself was I joined a few online communities for people who had already had or were soon going to be having top surgery, so that I could hear firsthand what it's like and what kind of questions other people had along the way - and for me those conversations drove home that this is absolutely the path I need to take for myself to be happy and comfortable in my own body, and that I couldn't live my life any other way.

The last thing I'd like to add is that when it comes to your family, if they currently have control over any aspects of your life (e.g. shelter, food, help with paying bills, tuition, etc) or if there's a chance they'd try to physically harm you for pursuing top surgery - then you'd want to make sure that you're in a safe position to pursue the surgery before you schedule an official date with the surgeon. You can always start down the road of gathering information, speaking to some doctors, talking to other trans people online who've had it already, etc - everything up to the actual procedure itself since at that point it becomes a bit more difficult to hide. It sucks having to postpone your own happiness until you're free from a situation like that, but risking your health or safety isn't something I'd advise for anyone.

I hope that some of this helps, anon, I wanted to take some time to really think about your ask and make sure that what I was saying at least made sense - but ultimately the choice is no one else's but yours and whatever you choose should be what makes you feel happy and comfortable.

[idyllic-affections]

do you have any specific ways you keep the characters you write, well, in character? i dont think ive ever written an already existing character without thinking to myself if it was even the same person :/

🐌.

hi lovely!!!!

honestly... keeping characters in character can be really hard, even for me. half of the time, i'm not even sure if the characters i write for remain in character, but i do have some advice that may be helpful. as with all my advice, anyone can use these tips, not just 🐌 anon <3

character studies! write a piece that explores the character's motivations and why they do what they do, why they are the way they are. an example of what this might look like is this fic.

analyze their speech patterns! an example of this is how i write my version of pantalone--noble characters have a very specific way of speaking. these kinds of characters tend to speak very formally. any insults they make towards others will be well-veiled behind flattery and flowery words. these kinds of people will rarely swear, if ever, solely because doing so indicates a lack of control and elegance. everything they do and say will be very... pretty. very rich in vocabulary.

think about how other characters describe them, if this is viable! again, using pantalone as an example...

"Oh, now that guy has a head full of grandiose plans fueled by raw ambition. I don't understand a word he says once he starts talking about his theories... Eh, but as long as he keeps our cash reserves stocked up, I'm not complaining." —Childe "Oh, the ninth-ranked guy. He's obsessed with the idea of "fair exchange," to the point of wanting to overthrow the natural imbalance between gods and humans. But, I guess it's just how ordinary mortals are like — it's easy for them to come up with pointless delusions. Honestly, it's nothing worth writing home about, just like how there's also nothing impressive about his abilities or choice of partner. Hmph. Anyone who chooses to work closely with The Doctor is sure to meet a nasty end." —Wanderer what we can take from these lines is that pantalone a heretic and conspiracist (which also describes dottore—hence their partnership). be mindful of character traits such as these, because they can drastically affect the way your character responds to certain situations.

consider their backstory, if it is available at all! again, in the case of pantalone... regardless of if it is actually canon or not, the general consensus is that he was born into poverty. this will affect how he behaves as a noble and will create a distance between him and those who were born into wealth.

do not be afraid to use headcanons! sometimes there is not a lot known about a character. there isn't anything inherently wrong with using headcanons. it's okay. if it ends up being non-canon? that's fine! you couldn't have known that it would be disproven.

ultimately, a bit of ooc-ness is okay. it's not awful and horrible. writing a character in character just takes a lot of patience and practice; you won't be perfect at first, and that's fine. i hope these tips are of use to you!