#I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT 2 DO. BUT CANNOT DO ANYTHING ANYMORE BCUZ ALL I CAN DO IS STARE @ THIS. I AM GOING 2 SHED TEARS. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

c-osmicparadise · 7 years

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From 100 to 0

Back on tumblr for a while because I feel like I should be documenting this whole experience down. (Also because I don’t have the mental capacity nor mood to be studying, and I’ve exhausted everything interesting there is on the Internet). So here goes...

Today is 11/11/2017. About 3 weeks back, I made the crazy decision to come back to Singapore for reading week + the extra week of ABFC I had left to submit the Mini-Proj. I came home on 29/10/2017 and it was great! Being home meant not having to cook but still having amazing food; not having to stress over laundry/ cleaning and just focusing on my work.

I spent the week mostly cooped up at home trying to complete the Mini Project Report because our results were sadly very insignificant and it was tough trying to justify them. I was free on Friday after submissions, and the next day (3/11/2017) headed to meet my best friend and also catch a play at Yale-NUS.

Met many USP friends across Monday and Tuesday as well and that was when the condition of my body became more apparent. While preparing for a meetup with A on Monday, I had already pictured what I was going to wear. A proven ensemble of a nice grey top and a green maxi skirt. But when I put it on, it looked terrible. I was confused. This same thing happened for a couple of dresses that I knew I looked good in, but I just didn’t anymore?? How could it be. I expressed my slight disdain to my folks, and they were puzzled too.

Fast forward 2 days later, mom and aunt were convinced that there was something wrong with my abdomen. So they made me lie down, and true enough, unlike what would happen with fats i.e. you would still look flat when you lied down; my abdomen was protruding out.

And all this time I had brushed it off as “FUPA - Fatty Upper Pubic Area” / Lower Belly Fat which even made me go for HIIT sessions with M and G during the week. So it turns out that it was not.

The whole fam was activated as we went to Thomson Medical Centre for a Women’s clinic on Weds 8/11/2017. It was quite a funny experience tbh initially, as everyone there was pregnant and I felt sorely out of place/ conditioned to think that I may be pregnant too (???) but of course we know that wasn’t possible. But I was still super happy to see all these budding young couples who are looking forward to new bundle of joy in their lives. After some waiting time, the doctor proceeded to lay me down and press my abdomen area, and recommended I went for an ultrasound scan. So I did. That was another 3-4 hours of long waiting + actually doing the ultrasound scan.

I obtained my results, showed it to the doctor and it revealed that I had an 17.7cm cyst in my body. That is freaking huge. To put things into perspective, its longer than a 15cm ruler. Its also a 4month old baby. And your ovaries are 3cm each. So this bloody cyst was essentially covering both of my ovaries, and they couldn’t tell whether it was ovarian or from the intestines. This was extremely worrying.

My biggest cause for concern were too many to count, in my mind there were so many things going on! I was due to fly back to the UK to continue “normal life” on the night of 11/11/2017, but obviously, here I am writing this post. This cyst was huge, and cysts are pretty much also tumours I guess, so the main question was whether this damn thing was cancerous. Had it developed cancerous characteristics? But perhaps the thing that made me cry the most, was the fact that it could originate from the ovary, and even if it didn’t, my ovaries are in a very precarious situation. They could risk being removed alongside the cyst, and that speaks a lot about future fertility. I was quite broken when I heard that. It was even more terrible as we were in a Women’s clinic and everyone around me was pregnant/ brought their baby over and it was just heartbreaking to even think of the possibility that I might never have that chance.

Surgery was imminent, and we knew that it had to be removed asap. However, I was in the middle of my final Autumn term at Imperial, my final year. It was again difficult to grasp that I might have to skip school/ take a year out/ stop classes/ not graduate on time??? :( Coupled with the fact that we were going to be seeking private treatment just bcuz it’ll be much faster but the bills will also skyrocket, this whole thing was just a massive blow. From 100 to 0 I felt my life went.

We obtained a referral to Dr. Wong’s friend, Dr. Tay (oh same surname!) who was apparently a very famous oncology&gynae. The appointment was Friday 10/11/2017.

On Friday, we headed to Thomson Women’s Cancer Centre. Now the name alone was scary shit enough. There were quite a substantial number of people there, I was quite shocked tbh, but then it dawned upon me that yeah, everyone always has a different story of why they are somewhere, a cancer centre too. I had my appointment with the doctor, and he carefully explained that I would have to undergo a laparatomy, and the various options should the cyst turn out to benign/malignant/borderline. There was no way of making sure what condition it was until during the operation, whereby he would take a frozen section of the cyst on the spot to determine its condition. Throughout, he ascertained that he would do his best to protect my reproductive system, but again that would be conditioned on the cyst’s characteristics. The more potential for it to be cancerous, the more organs I’d have to remove.

I then took a blood test to test for any cancerous markers and thankfully the results seem like it’s good, no scary amount of cancer markers.

So its Saturday now, 2 days to the surgery. I’ve just been googling what a laparatomy really means, and what happens post-op.

http://my-flights-of-fancy.blogspot.sg/2011/09/ovarian-cyst-and-laparotomy.html

What I got out of this blog post and several others, was the sad thing that I’d have to lose all my normal bodily functions after the operation incl drinking, feeding and any form of excretion :( but also walking, standing, running (haha) wow. This whole episode has really made me realise how important health is. Without a healthy body, you truly can’t do anything, not even study, regardless of how smart you can be, the mental capacity ties in with the physical capacity too.

And things that we take for granted, like a healthy reproductive system or even menstruation, are actually also privileges. Things that not everyone is endowed with. It pains my heart to think about what would happen if I had my ovaries removed, just one even, could reduce fertility despite what my doctor friends saying that it’ll be ok. But hell no, you’re not the one who’s gna be MISSING something from your body.

This brings me to another point about friendship. So far I’ve only told those who asked about my whereabouts/ well-being or are close friends eg. J and also Daniel. But of those that I’ve had to recount to, I notice a few phenomenon. Some I am thankful to have known, who are worried from the very beginning, who understand that no matter what they say, it cannot be equivalent to the struggles that I as an individual or me and my family are going true, who offer love in many ways. And then there’s the other spectrum where I get the “I know how you feel” (but do you?) and “are you okay?” (what if i say I’m actually not) or the “one ovary is still ok!” (how’d you know?), where I find myself having to play up the fact that this thing might be god damn cancerous, this thing is bigger than a 15cm ruler, this thing is stopping me from going back to school, from dancing, from going out, and then later on, this thing will make me bed-ridden and unable to even pee or poo or fart (!!) on my own, to make you actually think that my condition is serious. I don’t think I’m trying to gain sympathy or pity or anything, but I don’t think its hard to have true empathy, to think from my perspective, to realise that my WHOLE life is on hold because of this surgery, to realise that the magnitude of this surgery does not reside in whether or not the cyst is cancerous, but that it’s the size of a freaking 4 month old baby. But I also understand that not everyone can give up their own normal life for a while and truly be with a friend in need. But for those who can, thank you for being a friend indeed.

Will update with more experiences in the hospital. Sigh.

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