#I FEEL?!?!?!? I FEEL. I DINT KNOW I COUKD DO THAT

[dizzybevvie]

IM SO GAY OH MY GODDDDDD

[crystalis]

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my mental health is like terrible the past couple months like i feel so distant from everyone but more than usual .. i was looking at convos i had with my best friend and its like. im so emotionless in conversation but its like been like that forever like i stopped being a person forever ago and i talk like a machine or something.. and i havent even had any desire to talk to anyone ive just wanted to be alone. but it hurts ya know ive said this before its the same thing every time and i feel trapped .. and like my emotional state is like.. i dont even know

like how long can a person be alone for? how long by themselves in a bedroom thoughtless and silent until they no longer can feel or have thoughts again. i feel like ive past that point .. and it like hits me sometimes exactly how bad it is, i go so many days in a row before realizing that i spent all of that time alone without really thinking of anything at all. i looked at pictures online and played a video game and did whatever else i do every day. its thoughtless autopilot with no feeling in solitude rvery day for weeks and months and years

and every once in a while i feel something and im like dang i feel really depressed and i realize that like um ive been depressed..... thats what this whole thing is ive been depressed for years and this is the result of that like i layed here and allowed it to have me, but its been too long now and ive lost too much of myself to recover from it i think. so i dont know. i feel really ashamed of myself. its hard to reach out to people or make friends, i think everyone looks down on me, and even when i am able to talk to someone i end up feeling too shameful upon getting closer to them and i have to distance myself because i dont want them to see me and see how behind i am and how much i failed myself .. i feel really hopeless and sad

like i dont want them to know anything about me, i dint want them to see how bad it is. how could i? how could i ever stop hiding

so its like stuck in this loop its an endless cycle .. i feel like im trapped in time or whatever and also trapped inside myself until i die. i wish i could start over. i always wish i coukd go back in time

[equiteslegati]

「Rebuttal」

"After almost 3 fucking years now you decide to be who you were when i first loved you"

let me re-explain one more time because this angers me and since i cant harm myself because i guess i promised you i wouldnt:

the day before you said yiu wanted to go, i wrote a whole thing that i was letting everything go because my while entire beung was crushed by the weight of it. everyone i told about this was happy. i told everyone i was ready to gi further, i was ready to make myself better for you. the following day, i told them all you left me.

its my curse. and until i die, ut will probably bebthe same. i was Lways too late, even when i rushed myself

maybe youll forgive me

but then again, i dint even know if youd care enough to know the amount of damage our vreakup has caused. i see what it did to you, i just havent told you whT i have experiebced, and i may never. i was toxic to you and i wish id have killed myself instead of doing all of this to you.

but i never went back, i just let go of something that ate into me for 8 years and chose to rwally work on myself

maybe i coukd have saved tgis if i did it earlier but i swear to gid all i want is a gun to my head and for you to pull the trigger. you may not be happy with it, but my resolve is extreme to the end, and yiu know this.

and even as i write all of this, im still confused. you wanted me to move on but since i really have, it kills you that i became anew. we dragged each other diwn. you said we beeded a vreak and i used that time to reset myself. it was onky natural that i vecame the person you first fell in love with. but i couldnt ever bekieve that you would actually come back. yoyre around him so much, theres no way youd ever want me back. i accepted that and made it my resolve. i didnt want to, i HAD to. you didnt want me sitting here firever. i didjt expect to have feelings for someone yet, i didjt expect to get iver yoy, but you were over me and onto someone sooner in my eyes. i wont call you hypicritcal because i more than expected that from yoy- and im not trying to talk shit, i didnt thibk yoyd sticj around regardless of hiw hard i wished i had begged yiu to give me a chance. i dont think i deserve it.

but maayve the wirst thing i feel out of this on your end is that you said we beed a vreak, ran to someone else, devemoped feelinfs for hin. then came clean that you didnt want to do long distance. i kost you the minute you realuied you were touch depraved. i saw it and felt it.

im not veing a victim, but telling you more clearly my thoughs.

you may have hid that for so long and you say uve chanced since the chloe problem but never tried to hekp me find resolve. i cut her out to help me get bacj to me abd it didnt help because my past was still crushing me. had you have waited maybe it woukd have worked out, but we cant take it back now. as in pain as you are and can voice it, im reserved, and am sure i will always be reserved. i felt something special for you that i didnt think would ever be real, but i prepared fir you to hate me. i never wanted to control you, i left you with as free of a will as i could bear. you hid frim me that you hurt yourself, and that is still lying. you know i cant stand that.

ive spent more time writing all of this than i have working on a car im about to be fired for because i give a shit. i didnt act like it i guess, because i wasnt ready. i had to release everything in me and move on before i could please you. i was just too late. never love someone like me again. i may have been able to give you the world once but i guarantee yiu that if i had a second chance before this, i woukd have shown you.