#I DOJT KNOW BUT I DID AND NOBODY IS GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT

[kusundei]

jesus CHRIST im doomed. frustrated because nobody is talking to me? jonathan asked me one question ab it and i was like oh my god maybe there is hope but nooooo. no nothing. god forbid i was honest and i pleaded with you but you just ignoreddd mee. it would be so nice if you could just be . normal? and talk to me? if youre so upset then verbalize it like you do normally. youre dragging it on for no reason and just being evil and immature about it like youre my mom???? why r you choosing now to be silent??? because i told you the truth and thats not what you wanted to hear? because you felt like i was ridiculing you when i wasnt? if you could just listen and believe me and trust me sometimes there would be no issue at all. i wouldnt have to lie or anything we could literally be fine

im just. frustrated again. because even if today doesnt work out how long r you going to keep this up for??? id rather you pester me with questions and lash me than do THIS. its just so so so frustrating. you truly r everything i do not want to be if anything you and jd r soooo similar and maybe thats why i could put up w it for so long??? icjust keep going back and forth. iiii have no motivation i don’t want to do anything i want to rot away. whyyy is this so hard??? why cant you talk to me?????? was it truly that big of an issue??? i told you the truth. i wasnt making fun of you i DO think about you and your feelings iiiii swear to god i do. you say all the time i dont ever think about you but ive always tried??? maybe i am selfish and i dont exactly put you first in most situations and thats horrible on me its just. so. upsetting. i hate hate hate the mindset of being like “ohhh you did this to me so i’ll do it back” because god thats so??? immature??? maybe im being evil because im not truly taking into consideration how you’d feel its just ohhh my god. oh my fucking god?? im sorry iiii cant you r so. frustrating??? and god i fucking hate hate HATE. your voice. your voice drives me insane i dont understand how you cant just talk to people like a normal person? why is it so hard for you to consider that other people have feelings and opinions and not everything is a jab at you or is just about you in general??? i feel so evil being so upset its just oh my fucking. god. your voice is grating. i literally asked yoy i said “dont yell at me just listen to me” and yoy know what you did??? you still yelled at me??? said “how am i expected to not yell at you when you do this” like what the fuck???? thats the point but you dojt have to yell all the time? youre so angry every single fucking day and i am just asking you for one moment . where you can be reasonable and just LISTEN. i know you get upset easily and yoyre so infuriated by me but cant you just? give me one thing? listen to me for once without verbalizing how upset you are like??? anger management maybe??? i cant ever get a sentence out because you refute it without listening completely to what im saying. yoy jump to conclusions and you lash me and you dont ever BELIEVE ME. i dont lie typically theres always a reason if ive fucking lied and despite that i dont even lie to you normally??? i havent lied??? youve been like this since i was a kid you have never trusted me at all and iiiiidontgetit???????

im just. runninf around in circles at this point i am just. frustrated again. jist talk to me. literally. im being open i know yoyre not talking to me because youre thinking about it and youre being immature and BECAUSE OF THAT you r finding your own conclusions without hearing the entire thing. its so fucking frustrating i wish i could just GET TO YOU. its like im talking to a brick wall there truly is just a barrier between the two of us and i try over and over i DO i have tried to repair it over and over again but nooo? i dont think thats ever going to happen because youre never really gonna get over yourself?? am i selfish or am i deemed selfish because you have to think about other people instead of yourself for pnce??? you complain time and time again i only think for myself but i dont even? ask you for things? ive ALWAYS put other people before me iii dont care. at least in my head i see it that way and other people agree i suppose its just you. you see me completely differently and i dont know how to take that because youre supposed to know me well but cleaaarly you dont know me at all???? at least i think so. its jjst ohh my fickign god im going to tear my hair out i cant win with you. im NEVER going to fucking win its actually horrible and sickening and you make me sick time and time and time again. nothing ever makes me as upset as you do. as AWFUL. as it sounds truly i think that if you werent around or if you were different iiii would be okay. id be so much better i wouldve been fine and happy and carefree like i am when you are gone. its just i get reminded of where i am actually and especially going home and its just. god. i hate school genuinely but its so much better than being home iii cant fucking stand it oh my god

im going. to kill myself. i am. losing my mind. im so frustrated im actually like raging or something how can you be so immature iiii dont get ittt??? but then again i go back and forth being like areee you selfish or is it rlly just me and im shifting the blame??? thats why i can never rlly vocalize my feelings because i always feel so bad when i do becasue i feel like im giving myself the benefit of the doubt and not considering pther people but id like to think thats just. me being considerate. god forbid i ever feel things im just. god. god god god. i caaant^_^ im sososo fucking upset again^_^ but i am kind i am fine its fine i dont caareee IDONT CARE. idont care i just feel bad because iiimm trulyy still hoping theres some. light there still. but realistically i dont think there is and iii dont wanna admit thay im just. losing it

just rotting in bed again today i guess iii. have no motivation i cant do anything and i hateee when people r upset at me regardless if im also upset at them its jist. fucking . i feel selfish but im also soso upset but im upset that im upset because i feel like youre selfish????? iiiii. dont fucking know im just. waiting. i am here. praying to god youll talk to me or soketjingim LOSING MY FUCKIGN MIND i jeed tocalm down. i will calm down and be okay^_^ i am fine its fine i love. my boyfriend. so much. i need to get out of here i feel like im suffocating or something

[minimujina]

also i shifted a bit earlier, and like i met childe— we were doing the weekly boss fight. i shit u not my guy— childe is so expectant that he’s like “heyy you’re back!! shall we spar to the death again comrades?” but we still won and like, he’s usually knocked out when we fight.

hhh lumine and the rest (this time it was xiao and zhongli accompanied us) left or just stayed a bit behind with me. i helped childe with his wounds BC MAN— i scripted that i personally won’t feel any pain even if im like heavily injured, BUT DEAR LORD DOES HIS ATTACK AND EVERYONE ELSES SEEMS SO PAINFUL. when childe wakes up, he usually gets pretty embarrassed. teased him for a bit before doing the usual fixing up his wounds. generally, he’s a cool guy, and if we were to minus his bloodthirsty maniacal energy, he’s very fun to hang around with.

ALSO WITH XIAO AND ZHONGLI. dear god, zhongli, i had to held back multiple remarks to not get my ass lemented by xiao— zhongli is indeed a father figure, a very tired father figure for sure. maybe bc he reminds me of my history teacher, i don’t bring myself to be close to him. it’s the same with xiao. actually, you know how he’s pretty much distant? still the same concept, BUT THERE WERE MOMENTS WERE HE PULLS ME TO THE SIDE TO PROTECT ME FROM GETTING HURT BY CHILDE’S ATTACK AND I JUST??? he would say “sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable” “bear with me for a moment” “sorry, you were about to get hit” MY GOD THIS MAN—

also zhongli’s shield? MY GOD THAT SHIT FEELS LIKE YOUR IN A LIKE THOSE SHOWERING BOXES? that, but more durable—

literally i am so sorry for like this ramble. the dr was really fun earlier

BITCH THIS IS SO COOL I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO REACT PLEASE DONT APOLOGIZE THIS MADE ME SO HAPPY

i cannot imagine being able to really meet all of them ?? this is so cool to hear abt, im shaking aibsjsj AND CHILDE PLS HES SUCH A WEENER

AND GIVE ME THIS XIAO. GIVE HIM TO ME. PUT HIM IN MY HANDS SO I MAY HOLD HIM GENTLY AND GIVE HIM VERY TENDER FOREHEAD KISSES.