#I CANT REMEMBER IF THIS IS WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT EXACTLY BUT.. I LOVE ELISIA THANKS

[culpible]

he doesn’t have an answer for her question,    mostly because he knows it’s likely he shouldn’t be.    maybe he doesn’t deserve it.     forgiveness,    that’s something he certainly doesn’t deserve from anyone  ——-    not from elisia,     not from jessica,    not from hannah.      it’s ironic to think back on it:     all the good people in his life are now gone,    whether it be physically or emotionally.     hannah’s dead.    jeff’s dead   ——   now leah’s disconnected.      jessica’s here,     closer than ever     (   even closer emotionally than she had been when they were together    )      BUT FOR HOW LONG until he screws it up again?      elisia   ——    that’s something he can work on.    

if jessica forgave him,    maybe elisia can too.     despite him not deserving it,    it’s worth a shot.    right now he needs everyone he can lean on.    he needs to make up for what he has done to make such a ruin of his life.     at one point,    all that mattered to him was being noticed,     making a name for himself that people would remember even if it was connected to nothing other than the popular crowd he wanted so badly to impress.      everyone else in the path there was collateral damage.     elisia was a victim of that.    he knows what it looks like   ——   it’s as if he forgot all about her,    finding it so much easier to spend time with those who didn’t matter in the end.     it was never true,    the same way it wasn’t true for hannah.     he never forgot about them.    it was just easier to make a mockery of himself,    to put himself in a place of high rank rather than a place of genuine  ——  where he was when he was friends with those who cared about him rather than only themselves.

but he had molded himself to be like those people,    the ones who were selfish and greedy and didn’t care who got hurt in their power trip.      HE CARES NOW,    despite it being too late.     he survived   ——   but why,    if he’s not going to try to be better than he was back then?     his survival has to mean something.     it has to mean something for people like her,    who never deserved to be hurt by him    (   or by anyone else,     ever again.    )

❝   lost,    i guess.   ❞       words apathetic,    dry.        but his eyes roll as she goes on   ——-    not to her,    only to himself.     hand rubs at the back of his neck before taking a deep breath,      and he finally looks back to her.            ❝   you don’t have to tell me every wrong thing i did,     ‘cause i’ve got a list way longer than you can even begin to think about,   ❞       he speaks quickly,       words rushed as if she could run away at any point   ——-     and physically,    he has no way of stopping her.     it’s why he’s so desperate just go get her to stick around,     long enough he can find some words to say.     he’s never been good at them,    certainly not as of lately,      but he keeps trying.      

❝  so don’t feel bad for me.     that’s the last thing i want.  ❞         it seems everywhere he turns,    he gets one of two reactions:    sympathy or laughter.      he knows elisia doesn’t fall anywhere in between them,      and he doesn’t expect her to.       he’s more stubborn than anyone he knows,     so if anyone can understand her hesitance,    it’s him.        ❝   i’m not telling you that so you can kiss my fucking feet or something,    i’m just   ———    ❞       just what?     he has thought of this conversation a million times over in his head but never come up with the words to actually speak to her.      a sigh,     his head shaking.     ❝    i just have to talk to you,    okay?     you have to know something.    ❞          

and maybe she does know what he wants to say.     but it has to come from him,    too.      ❝   i was a fucking pathetic loser who didn’t deserve a friend like you.       obviously,    you,    like,   get that .  .   .      ❞        a gulp,      hand gripping his cane tightly.      ❝   - ——    it wasn’t about you,     alright?     it was about me being a fucking dick and caring more about what the wrong people thought about me than what the right people thought.   ❞     or what they saw,   or what they heard.     elisia,     she was the right person.        ❝   you’re right,     no one forced me too.      you have no fucking idea how much i know that,   ❞      he insists.     it has haunted him every single day for months now.      IT’S HIS RESPONSIBILITY;     no one gets to tell him that someone did something WORSE or that he’s a better person than someone else   ——-   that doesn’t change the fact that he was a bad person and a bad friend.    it doesn’t change the fact that he was selfish and greedy and inconsiderate.    

IT’S HIS FAULT.    IT’S ALL HIS FAULT.     no one has to tell him that.     he already knows.

❝   just  -----    don’t leave.    not yet.     ten more minutes,   then if you never want to speak to me again,   i deserve that.  ❞

     @lingeringscars    /     continued.