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bengiyo · 2 months ago

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Love in the Big City Eps 7-8: Always Forward

Writing about the end of Love in the Big City is hard for me because it’s hard to seem to happy about a show going so dour for this long, but I mostly feel relieved that the show didn’t completely pull back on Yeong’s bleak existence after Gyu-ho. Overall, I really loved this adaptation, and especially enjoyed Sang Young Park’s opportunity to revisit this story after a few years away from it.

Starting with the way Gyu-ho haunted this section, I absolutely loved how they were able to flash back to the previous part and allow us to see how much closer Yeong got to Gyu-ho. I thought the looks at their trip to Thailand outside of the Yeong depressive haze of Part 3 played out really well here now that he’s mourning the relationship. It’s always so sad to me with Yeong how he will choose to isolate rather than subject his bullshit on others.

I find myself thinking a lot about the pills they got for Gyu-ho, how they were able to have one night of lovemaking without Kylie hanging over them, how the side effects of those drugs were pretty rough at the time, and how Yeong probably hated the idea of Gyu-ho taking pills forever because of him. It’s ironic that the idea that they could build a relationship around Kylie scared him more than anything because he knew it would be less than what he envisioned Gyu-ho could have for himself.

I wrote last week about how the apartment was too small, and I’m so glad that we got to see Yeong move out of that apartment in the finale. It felt so appropriate that he moved to a new place that literally looked like a blank slate for him to start over. I’m glad he took so little of the old apartment with him. He kept his mother’s nicest liquor cabinet and her trophies, a few personal items, and otherwise gave himself a new start. Like many of us, he had a big love in his 20s and it didn’t work out. He’s had some success as an author, and now can try to move forward. I like that the only things he takes with him to the new apartment beyond a few personal items are his friends. That feels like the right place to end a story like this.

Speaking of the T-aras, I really loved including them in this show. I hope that for SYP, there really was a group of friends like this for him during his 20s when he was experiencing the events that inspired some of this story. It feels like a not-so-quiet love letter to those friends that he made sure we saw how they grew and supported Yeong over the course of the story.

I loved that we saw Yeong grow closer to Eun Su in this section over the broken engagement. Gay relationships can be hard because we don’t have the structures of heteronormativity to help keep us together, like child rearing. So much of it comes down to whether we want to be with this person in and of itself, and for many of us marriage just isn’t the right solution to affirm that. I like that Eun Su realized this about himself before they committed to far, and it was Yeong who he knew would understand him on this.

I am so glad they went with different directors for each section. I think Hur Jin-ho might be my favorite with the way he used a lot of still shots to capture the stifling nature of Yeong’s time in the hospital and his broken relationship with Yeong Su. I loved the way Kim Se-in shot the follow up look at the trip to Thailand in Part 4, after the beautiful work Hong Ji-young gave us in the small details of the relationship with Gyu-ho that Hong Ji-young captured in Part 3. I would also like to applaud Song Tae-gyum for getting so much energy out of the cast and the shots in Part 1, because the long toll of events on Yeong does not land without coming down from the energy of Part 1. Absolutely phenomenal work from all four directors and the crews.

As a single story instead of four connected vignettes, I respect the choices the adaptation made to soften some of the heaviest parts of this story, and in particular give us a more hopeful look at Yeong’s future. I love that I feel like I can love the book and drama together and separately. It’s rare that I find a drama adaptation does a good job or elevates the original work, and I’m really glad that I can say that about this show. Everyone put they whole foot in this drama, and it shows.

Finally, I would like to give a huge thanks to Nam Yoon Su, Jim Ho Eun, Lee So Kyung, Kown Hyuk, Na Hyun Woo, Lee Hyun So, Byun Jun Seo, Jung Chan Yeong, and Oh Hyun Kyung, and the rest of the cast for all their work on this show. This feels like a once-in-a-generation show, not unlike Moonlight (2016), where we may never see the direct impacts of it. Someday, I hope we see the spiritual successor to this show, and can point back at it and thank it for getting us to that future. It’s rare that we get this much experienced talent in dramas playing queer life this frankly, and I will carry Go Young with me for the rest of my life, and will reflect on him and myself in his relationships with his mom, the T-aras, Gyu-ho, Yeong Su, Mi Ae, Nam Gyu, and even Habibi. What I am thankful for with the drama is that we leave Yeong looking forward and not back.

It has been an honor reacting to this show with all of you in the Love in the Big City Book Club. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, gifs, and creations with us for this past month. I am so thankful that we got to do this experience together twice. I look forward to our next big outing.

#Ben watches #Ben writes #love in the big city #litbc book club #kdrama #korean bl #bl series

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solitaryandwandering · 3 months ago

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A Ramble: Love in the Big City Eps 5-6

Well, @lurkingshan welcomed me into this house of pain and I set up camp with full awareness of what awaited me. And yet. And yet. I cried so sadly at the end of episode 6. Genuinely, I don't think I've been this heartbroken watching anything recently. Gyu-ho is so wonderful. He didn't deserve Yeong shutting him out like that. But in the end, they just weren't right for each other. Not with all the heaviness Yeong carries with him, now. And poor Yeong. He was never malicious, never truly wanted to hurt Gyu-ho, but he's in so much pain. He's never been in a relationship like this, which asked for so little (yet so much). And so, here are my scattered, discombobulated thoughts.

On the cinematography front, I continued to geek out over how well each director is communicating Yeong's internal and external worlds. The last section saw Hur Jin Ho start to darken Yeong's world around the edges, still taking full advantage of environment and space. In this section, Hong Ji Young is much more economical. We have tighter shots, more close-ups (especially extreme) and fewer wide shots. Since we are much more in Yeong's head we are forced more into his perspective - what he is seeing takes precedence over placing an audience emotionally in a scene. Her direction is less stylized (which is not to say there aren't creative uses of camera) but that's not to say she lacks a stylistic vision. Rather, where prior sections relied more on movement or camera placement, Hong let lighting do much of the talking.

I mentioned yesterday that this section's color palette seemed more muted in comparison. Episode 6 was brighter but saturation didn't really change all that much, at least not from my perspective. What enhanced this perspective was Yeong's clothing, which was almost austere in comparison to how he dressed in the past. He's in dark colors, usually black, with stern or severe silhouettes. I think he's in lighter colors at work but that's it? Those are still pretty washed-out. I was especially taken with his long black coat, which has to have appeared in the past but I didn't notice it like I did in these episodes. It's like he never left the funeral garb behind. His long coat actually reminded me of Yeong Su's coloring style-wise (and of the brown coat he wears during their break-up). But maybe that's just me. I just can't let go of the ways I think we're visually supposed to see him haunting Yeong, especially after that dream sequence in episode 5. His clothing just seems... older. It reminds me of both of his older partners; maybe he feels like he needs to emulate them? Maybe he feels like he's not mature enough? I could also see Yeong Su showing up in the way Yeong broke up with Gyu-ho, though I think Yeong was catching himself from fully leaning into that. He smiled, he didn't answer Gyu-ho's questions or give any empty reasons, and so on. Yet, he still achieved that same cold detachment. Yeong Su is certainly there in the way Yeong carries himself: ramrod straight. Much of his looseness or vivacity in past episodes is gone. Could not get over how dead his eyes felt in this section.

Anyway, back to cinematography. It felt like to me the lighting was creating a slightly blurred effect, like we were seeing certain things in a haze. Obviously this is in one way a reflection of his depression. Sometimes it felt like it was reminiscent of him wading through a fog, of memories, trauma, dissociation, whatever it may be. In both episodes there is also really cool use of illumination of objects, people, or scenes. In episode 5 there's a scene where he is in his mom’s (oppressively dark) place and a single shaft of light cuts across pictures on the wall. Intentional darkening is used just as often as illumination or brightening. I'm pretty sure every time we get an extreme close-up of Gyu-ho's eyes they are cast in darkness rather than light, which is what you would assume would happen if he were, like, gazing into the eyes of someone he loves. But instead, he's in the dark. In one scene he is hanging up curtains in Yeong's apartment and turns from the light outside (towards Yeong in the dark). When we cut to the close-up we can still see a sliver of light behind him which casts him in darkness. He brings light but Yeong cannot receive it. Lighting (or lack of it) in this section more than in other parts colors/represents what Yeong feels, how he sees others, what he chooses to look at or acknowledge.

In line with that, I really appreciated that this director chose not to overly-romanticize this part. I know the original author wrote the screenplay so that is in part why it didn't feel that way but I do think in a lesser director's hands it could have been very easy to lean into Kdrama romanticism. Without having read the book I was concerned this section would feel like fan-service rather than a continuation of the overall story. I am so relieved not to feel manipulated. Beautifully mundane and sad!!

And can I just say, I love what a complicated and real character Yeong is?? I love him so much even while he infuriates me. Even while he allows his past traumas to influence this relationship with Gyu-ho. And I actually wonder about his motivations in pursuing Gyu-ho? He's obviously very attracted to him and has good chemistry with him in general, so it's not that I think he went into the relationship with false pretenses. But he obviously knows it's not the right time for what he feels like he wants, which is a serious relationship. Initially as he walks away from the subway he turns to go back when girls run by him and one screams that her mother will kill her for missing the last train. Is it a “fuck you” to her that he decides to go after him? A feeling that he wants to live his life, pursue happiness in spite of this oppressive grief he feels? So much to untangle there. He's nothing if not fully human.

The last thing I wanted to get out of my head in this ramble was my thoughts about what themes I detected in this section. So here's what I’m thinking of: distance, shame, and honesty/communication.

All throughout this section I just kept hurting at how detached Yeong seemed from himself and everything around him. Completely distanced from his emotions. He goes into the relationship already with distance since he’s fresh off two horrible traumas, especially that of losing his mom. And he allows every small moment of perceived distance (mostly Gyu-ho not sticking to pre-established patterns Yeong has grown used to in his relationship to sex and intimacy) to widen that gulf. Writing is his passion but with each new rejection he allows himself to drown in it and creates even more distance. He's writing out reflections of their relationship instead of living it. Observing instead of feeling. He begins to enforce the distance he felt in his last relationship - all he wants is attention but is unwilling or unable to give it in this go-around. Even in the ways he opens up to Gyu-ho he maintains his fake-happy, carefree persona. Smiles are weaponized as a distancing tool. And in speaking with Gyu-ho he also can't resist making small digs at him about his job or intelligence. Gyu-ho is not given much opportunity to bridge distance even as they move in together. And what can Gyu-ho do when he is constantly rebuffed? He runs away, looks to fill the void with attention from other men. Returns, only for the cycle to begin again. "Constant goodbyes" as I believe Yeong puts it. As soon as their relationship begins he puts them in the rear view mirror. It's like he moves through much of their relationship as a representation of himself rather than as Yeong, himself. A shadow. When he actually places them in the rear view at the end of episode 6 he says "I guess you'll remember me as a joke you once heard a long time ago... The world's dirtiest joke."

Shame was the biggest thing coming up for me in these two episodes. For obvious reasons, of course. The reveal of his HIV (or "Kylie" which is his way of putting distance between himself and the disease, casting it in anonymity) was as shocking as it was expected. As an aside, this somewhat vindicated my personal interpretation of Kim Nam Gyu's death and subsequent empty funeral as a connection to the deaths of gay men with AIDS (including my uncle). I don't actually think they were necessarily trying to draw a line between the two but it hit me like a crowbar over the head so!

But yeah, Kylie is the obvious connection to that theme of shame. HIV in general carries a HUGE stigma globally, so much so that many countries including China (as we saw) have strict rules for travel of HIV+ folks. As far as I can tell in my brief search online, China ostensibly allows HIV-positive foreigners to come to the country but only for a period no greater than 90 days after which they will (and have) deported people. And that's just their official stance. Yeong discovered his status in maybe the worst way possible, in the military from a homophobic doctor, which colors the way he approaches it from then on. Medically discharged (as a reference, in the U.S. HIV-positive people are allowed to serve if they are asymptomatic and have an undetectable viral load, not sure how it is in Korea) he doesn't even tell his queer friends. This part made me so sad. How the queer community can shut other people out for something like this is deplorable especially considering our history. The T-aras demonstrate themselves to be bigoted in their negative regard of those with or suspected of having HIV, literally telling each other to "cover their glasses" when they see someone in the club who has been rumored to be positive. Yeong can’t wrap his head around being accepted for such a thing or as himself in general. Yeong traps himself in assumptions he makes of others and of himself. In some ways, those expectations are reinforced.

I wondered at why Yeong chose to tell Gyu-ho his status before anyone else. A part of me wonders if he intended this as another weapon of distance, so sure of this as being the thing that would cause Gyu-ho to run. I think he was completely unprepared for his total acceptance (he asks to ask for confirmation of his sincerity later in Bangkok) though it did make him happy. And once he has that acceptance he has no idea what to do with it. He is constantly pushing Gyu-ho away, only knowing how to ask for and accept the intimacy that comes with sex (which is - unprotected - what gave him HIV in the first place). He wants that easy fun he felt as a younger queer but is struggling to heal in this undemanding relationship. All Gyu-ho wants is quality time, emotional connection, a place to call home. Yeong has wanted this, needed this in the past but denied it time and time again he doesn't know what to do when granted the opportunity to have it. Gyu-ho doesn't want Yeong to be anybody except himself, gives him space and has healthy boundaries (practically non-existent in past romantic/platonic/familial relationships). He has nothing to fight against except himself and a world that doesn’t want him. Fighting against faceless rejections from publishers and bigoted HIV attitudes and restrictions are abstract battles, larger than just one person. When facing a bland job which wants a certain imagined version of him he can face off against his boss but she doesn't even show up in a way he can solidly face off against (wearing headphones blasting loud music, for instance). All he can do is fight Gyu-ho who doesn't even give him the battle he wants.

Gyu-ho is the first he tells about Kylie and it kinda feels like he’s punishing him for it sometimes? I’m not sure how much he shares about himself with him other than that. I don’t think Gyu-ho knows that his mom had just died when they started dating or about his past with Yeong-su. Gyu-ho assumes he has his life together and says he can’t understand what it is like to want something of your own. Yeong does nothing to dissuade him of the fact. He knows Gyu-ho can tell he's distancing himself and that makes him even more ashamed in himself and makes him lash out. Against the only person who knows his deepest secret and has wholly accepted him for it. How could he not hate himself for rejecting what he's always wanted?

Mi Ae shows up as another specter of his shame, using him as a prop. It is here that he becomes relegated to the "gay best friend" trope. To Mi Ae, he is perhaps the biggest representation of her "dirtier" or "shameful" past. She uses him to appear cooler to her younger sister-in-law(?) without fully claiming their relationship. The sister-in-law even jokingly flirts with him in the bar. Literally flaunting heteronormativity in his face. It does not feel as if he can fully own himself anymore. And when Gyu-ho moves in, they live together in a place Gyu-ho sees as his but was originally Mi Ae's, a place he was abandoned in, a place he tried to kill himself in. Shame festers and breeds in this space.

Honesty and communication is what bridges the gap, what heals shame. Yet, that is what Yeong cannot bring himself to do. He’s unmotivated to make a change in his approach to Gyu-ho and uses reticence as even more of an obstacle to genuine connection. He’s ashamed of himself and thinks of himself as dirty, undesirable. Yeong doesn’t even tell Gyu-ho about the HIV restrictions that keep him from applying to the job in China. Easy way out of their relationship, maybe, but it’s more about clinging to shame (is his shame is his remaining connection to his mom?). And in the end, he can’t even give him an honest break-up. His opinion of himself is so low he can’t help but prove it right. I think he sees Gyu-ho shrink into himself and comes to the conclusion he takes up too much space. ("I wonder why you sleep in silence. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's yours. Or maybe it was inevitable.")

In prior episodes Yeong's loves came in pairs: Mi Ae/Nam Gyu, Yeong Su/his mother. I wonder if Gyu-ho is the only love represented here. In prior sections love was more or less freely felt or offered even if toxic or lacking honesty. Unable to crack through Yeong's loneliness. Maybe the pair here is the absence of self-love. Or the absence of Yeong's ability to place his love in something external. In this section Gyu-ho shows him the love he was missing and wanted in prior sections but he is no longer open to it. He cannot show that love to himself. And maybe that's represented in the city, in Seoul. Big, teeming with potential, but also a lonely chasm where souls go to be lost.

Yikes, that was long. Largely nonsensical, I'm sure. I am terrified for how this show will end. This episode more than any other made me want to read the book RIGHT NOW (and make my brother read it). That's the sign of a good adaptation!

#love in the big city #megan watches #it's me #spoilers

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