#House went looking for sexytimes and found... a rat friend

[bougiebutchbitch]

House: lol maybe if I exterminate the rat that is plaguing my ex, she’ll fuck me again

House, five minutes later, ignoring his ex while cuddling the rat and feeding him top-shelf cheese: This is Steve McQueen and he is my baby and I am going to diagnose why he keeps tilting his head and I don’t believe in affection or love but if anything happens to Stevie I will kill everyone in this hospital and then myself

[authoressskr]

It Must Be Love?

Balthazar x Reader

Warnings: Language, Injury to Reader, Preludes to Sexytime

SHOUTOUT TO @murdochinthetardis for all the wonderful “dating __ would involve”, “enemies to lovers with ___ would involve”, and “being friends with __ would involve” cause I love making them extra sassy in the reblog tags. Also SHOUTOUT to Vee ( @nobodys-baby-now ) for encouraging the sassy Balthazar tags.

Note: Do NOT repost, copy and paste, post or share my works on any other platform without my EXPRESS PERMISSION. -+- REBLOGGING is fine! -+-

From the moment the angel had appeared at the Bunker, soaking wet and surly, he had rubbed you the wrong way. At first, you had tried to be as nice as possible to the angel, hoping he just had a snarky outer shell and that he would come around.

Time only seemed to make it worse.

Every little thing you did seemed to give him a reason to look down his nose at you.

The first time you actively noticed it was in Kentucky, on a ghoul hunt. You’d never come up against a ghoul before - you had only heard of them - and you hadn’t anticipated that it would move that fast. Cas was headed towards you when the ghoul sank its teeth into your arm. You had dropped your gun into your left hand and pull the trigger once it was pressed firmly against the ghoul’s head, biting down hard on your bottom lip to keep from screaming out at the pain. As it fell away after taking three direct shots and a healthy chunk of your arm with it, you felt a large hand haul you off the ground, out of the line of another rushing ghoul.

“Hell of a hunter. Turned herself into ghoul chow.” Balthazar snaps out, shoving you behind him towards Cas. It was all over minutes later, Cas healing your arm as Sam and Dean made sure all the ghouls were dead. Balthazar just raised a blonde eyebrow as you skulked to the Impala, angry with yourself. You were not going to let Balthazar get to you. You were going to let it roll off your back like water on a duck.

The eighth time, you were pinned to a wall by a witch nearly five months later, his meaty hand wrapped around your throat as he pressed a glass of orange liquid hard against your lips - hard enough you could feel the glass scrape against your teeth. Sam and Dean were tied up across the room, having been knocked out with some strange powder right after you three had entered the house, but the witch had left you conscious. “Something to play with,” he had muttered in your ear, making your stomach lurch.

One of those fat fingers trailed down your face before resuming its place at your throat once more, tightening when a small groan came from Dean.

“Your boyfriends are waking up, little hunter.” His foul breath fanned over your face, making you dry heave, which was the worst thing that could have happened. As you open your mouth to gag, he pours the orange liquid in your mouth, half of it spilling past and dribbling down your throat as his hand clamped down over your lips as Dean began snarling profanities at your captor, Sam throwing out his own threats as he rose to consciousness.

“Cas! Balthazar!” Sam bellowed, fighting at the rope restraints as the witch let you drop to the floor before turning at the sound of wings filled the room. You stumble and drag yourself over to Sam and Dean, your eyesight making you see double as you pull Dean’s spare knife from his boot. It takes you longer than you’d like to get the rope cut on him, handing him the knife with a heavy sigh to cut Sam loose.

“Fuck,” Sam’s big hands are reaching for you but suddenly you’re on hands and knees, heaving again as your body starts to shake uncontrollably. Tears are streaming from your eyes as he hauls you upright, only to have the witch fling Cas right at him, the two of them landing in a heap in the corner. You use the chair Dean had been tied up in to keep steady, blinking to try to clear your vision. Fuck. One eye was showing just black and white now as the other was showing you so many colors it was nearly nauseating. The two of them together with the double vision was making every task, hell, even just focusing a feat you weren’t too sure you were capable of right now.

“What do you see now pet? I made that up special for you!” The witch cackles as he moves towards you, Balthazar and Dean scrubbing hands over their faces frantically.

“You,” huff “Have terrible taste in men, darling.” Balthazar sasses, still rubbing his eyes. God, he’s such a dick.

You channel the stumbling towards Cas and his angel blade, your fingers wrapped firmly around the handle when the witch yanks on your shirt, jerking you to your feet as you turn in his grasp, plunging the blade as deep into his chest as you can. He crumples to the ground, taking your unsteady ass with him. By now the shaking has gotten worse and you don’t even have the strength to cry out as you hit the hardwood floor.

“Clear.” You groan out, mostly for Dean so he’s not going to attack you. You mutter a few choice swear words as you stumble to the kitchen, pulling out the biggest pan you can find as you practically vibrate as you wait while it fills with water.

As carefully as you can, you reenter the room, dipping the dishtowel into the warm water before wiping it as steady as you can across Dean’s face. You let him manage once you get the majority of it away from his eyes before turning to help Balthazar. Not that he deserves it.

Before you are even done with the first swipe, you hear “Scared, trapped, rabid animals are steadier than you are.” You grab the pan - so thoroughly done that the anger helps calm the shaking a little - and throw it at Balthazar’s face, watching in double-vision delight as he sputters then growls. Sam’s hand falls on your shoulder, tugging you away from the angel as Cas moves in to help his brother.

“I think that was pretty fucking steady, wouldn’t you say?” You reply sweetly before you feel Sam’s arm snake around your waist, hauling you out of the destroyed living room.

You didn’t see the angel for nearly three weeks after that incident.

Which was the most peaceful three weeks you’d had since the angel had shown up nearly ten months ago - promptly ending at 9:38 am.

You had just gotten out of the shower, enjoying the fact you got to sleep in after the rough ghost hunt just over the border, tossing yourself down onto the comfy couch that Sam and Dean had scrounged up from a lounge-like room somewhere. You wiggled down, finding a comfy position as you let your eyes flutter closed - still bone tired from the hunt and the various bruises that were scattered along your back and right side - totally oblivious to the angel hovering just an arm’s length away.

---

Dean, Sam, and Cas shot up at the sound of Y/N screaming, all three men barreling down the hallway towards the library. She’s standing there, drenched, little pieces of ice scattered around her feet. Her chest rising and falling slower now.

“I must say, you are the prettiest drowned rat I have ever beheld.” Balthazar nods with approval as he smiles, crossing his arms over his chest.

Dean eased closer in case he needed to intervene, with Cas mirroring his movements.

Y/N just took a deep breath and, giving Balthazar wide berth, headed back towards her room.

“She’s going to inflict grievous bodily injury on you, brother,” Cas commented, frowning at his sibling.

---

In the week that followed, you were convinced that Balthazar was trying to break you.

Removing all the blades from your razor and stealing all your long pants. Fine, that’s not so bad. If Dean wore shorts around the Bunker, so could you.

Replacing the material of your pillow with packing peanuts. That one irked you because you loved your pillow. You’d gone through three other pillows before committing to that one. But whatever - you did have those other three in your closet.

Stopping your phone from charging all the way - no matter how long you charged the damn thing for. Okay - *deep breath* - that’s fine. Sam has a couple spares in his room anyways.

But on the fifth day, when you went to put on your bra, only to realize that the underwires had both snapped. Upon digging through your drawers, you discover that every bra you owned had the underwire snapped. You pull on an older wireless bra you found buried at the bottom of the drawer, tugging on the too small garment before half-ass buttoning your dark blue long-sleeved shirt.

THIS WAS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!

“BALTHAZAR!!” You scream, stalking from your bedroom as Dean sticks his head out from the kitchen before beginning to follow behind you at a brisk pace.

“Y/N...” Dean cautions as you stomp into the library, waving your favorite bra at the blonde angel.

“FIX. IT. NOW!” You snarl as Sam slides into the library’s archway with Cas appearing behind Balthazar.

“I knew I’d get you to scream my name.” He smirks, ignoring the fury painted on your face, his blue eyes darting down to take a long glance at your chest and exposed skin.

“Fix all my fucking bras, you asshole! One underwire snapping is unfortunate. Two snapping is weird - but EVERY. SINGLE. ONE?” You take a deep breath, well as much as the old, tight bra will allow. “That is some asshole angel shit!” His eyes briefly flicker back up to yours, smirking before rolling his eyes.

“There, darling. All fixed.”

“You have disliked me since day one! I don’t know what I fucking did to you, motherfucker, but I am done! It is one thing to mess with me - with my pillow, my razor, my phone and replacing all my lotion with tapioca pudding - but MY BRAS?! Do you know how expensive these are? Do you know the care it takes to maintain them? No!” You take a few steps forward and jab a finger into his chest. “I am so beyond done with this. I don’t deserve to be treated like this, Balthazar.” You tilt your head a little, staring him right in those baby blues, making sure he understands. “Look, I get that you were all raised pretty shitty. I get you’re disenchanted with a lot of humanity - besides your rampant addiction to booze and sex - but being a dick,” His eyebrows shoot up. “Isn’t funny and it isn’t endearing. In fact, it just makes me want to shoot you in your fucking foot with angel bullets.” There is complete silence at your tone, a frown forming before you head back to your room. “And stay away from my fucking underwear.”

---

You avoid Balthazar as much as possible in the next few days after that and, surprisingly, he doesn’t pull any more tricks or pranks.

When Jody calls that evening, it’s a relief. She’s having a little trouble pinpointing what the thing is that is skulking around three towns over and with Claire dealing with a cursed object somewhere near the Georgia-Florida border, she needed a little help.

“So, what do the bodies look like, Jody?”

“Scratched all to hell, look like they put up a fight, Dean, but...” Jody sighs, lowering her voice a little, “the chest was open, heart crushed and there is a lot of blood missing.”

“Lamia.” You and Sam mutter in tandem before you rise, quickly scanning through the closest bookshelf - ignoring the sound of wings directly behind you - before yanking two heavy books from the middle shelf.

“Okay, well bad new first or good news Jody?” You ask, setting the books down carefully by the phone on the table.

“Hell, might as well start with the bad.”

“Well, uh, it’ll be a woman - but they look human most of the time. When they don’t, well... it ain’t pretty. Lots of claws and a nasty roar. Two ways to kill it though; Silver knife blessed by a curate or priest.”

“Or, throw a mixture of rosemary and salt on the creature then light ‘em up.” Sam finishes, Balthazar moving closer behind you.

“And what’s the good news?”

“They’re pretty rare and tend to attack only men, so I guess the good news is that you’re a badass lady sheriff.” You offer lamely before Dean scoffs loudly. “Oh, what I meant to say was the good news is that the rosemary and salt route is easier, and lamias tend - at least according to Greek mythology - to favor young or unfaithful men.”

“Huh. Why unfaithful men?” Jody questioned, the sound of the sheriff’s station now added in the background.

“Mr. Zeus-I-Fuck-Everything knocked up a very beautiful Libyan queen. When Hera-Queen-Of-Misplaced-Anger-Bitchypants finds out, she, of course, blames the woman and kills her children by Zeus. This drives the queen to madness and she begins to devour other children. She becomes distorted from her horrendous acts and then starts crushing young men’s hearts and sucking their blood.”

“Sounds like a bad 80′s video.” The muffled sounds of the sheriff’s station grind to a halt as a heavy thud sounds over the phone.

“We’re loading up and heading out now, Jody,” Sam explains as Dean wanders out of the library. “We’ll see you in about 4, four and a half hours.”

“Alright. Drive safe.”

“Will do.” You nod to Sam before scooping up the books from the table, turning to head to your own room only to nearly run into the fair-haired angel. His hands shoot out to steady you before dropping quickly.

“Careful.” He smirks out, his eyes somehow softer, making your forehead wrinkle up slightly.

“Yeah.” You agree, shuffling around Balthazar and head to your room to pack up.

---

The pair of lamias easily tossed Jody, Sam, Dean and you around like ragdolls, while Cas and Balthazar attempted to get close enough to smite the damn things. Your latest blow had been softened by landing on Dean, so you shoved yourself upright and grabbed the shotgun with the modified salt rounds from where Sam had dropped it after his second airborne flight.

You get three shots fired into the lamia currently pinning Cas to the far wall before the second one is coming at you, claws drawn as it opens its wide jaws to scream.

But no sound comes out except a gurgle as a blinding white light pours out of its semi-human eyes and agape mouth. The other shrieks, tossing Cas through a nearby window and rushes towards Balthazar and Dean. You fire another two rounds before the pump action shotgun clicked empty, Jody aiming her own gun as it shrieks, making all the humans wince and shy away at the sound. Cas reappears, he and Balthazar hold it down so Cas can plunge his angel blade into the creature. You sigh, leaning against the peeling wallpaper of the old sitting room, watching as the two angels easily snap away from the bodies.

“Everyone good?” Dean inquires, clapping Sam on the shoulder.

“Yeah,” Sam affirms.

“I’ve been better,” Jody mutters, giving her head a shake to clear the slight still ringing noise echoing in her ears.

“Bruised but alright.” You give a nod to the Winchesters before all four of you file out of the musty room. Your following behind Dean when another roar screeches out, sending you flying into an old oak tree. “Fuck.” You groan out before a scream tears itself from your throat, the claws of the lamia digging hard into your side. And just as soon as it had appeared, it’s gone - Balthazar’s handsome face replacing the hideous gray one that had been staring hatefully at you.

“-- Be just fine, love - tattoo - stupid hunters --” You don’t catch all of what Balthazar says before you feel the tingle of grace warm your side and an arm snake around your back and under your knees before darkness sucks you under.

---

The first thing you can smell is bacon and then the underlying scent of Jody’s house. You force one eye open, before rolling to your side - letting your hand roam over where you knew you had been torn up. You roll onto your stomach, trying to figure out what Balthazar had been saying to you when you’d passed out.

“You up?” Dean’s voice sounds from the doorway, making you shove your face deeper into the pillow. “Come on.” He orders, moving into the room.

“Nnnnhhh.” Dean’s hand comes down sharply on your ass.

“Come on, kid. Breakfast.” You push the blankets back, sit upright and, prying your eyes open, peer down at your pajamas.

“Did you change my clothes?”

“Come on. I made you French toast.” He moves back to the door, gripping the frame before tipping his head to the left. You slide a hand over your face as you follow Dean.

“Hey!” Jody calls out cheerfully as she dishes up eggs, slipping down into the chair Sam holds out for you before giving your shoulder a hard squeeze. Dean plops down beside you, forking over three thick slices of French toast onto your plate as you yawn. “So, how do you feel?” Jody coaxes, taking a bite of bacon before passing Sam the orange juice.

“Mmhmm. Fine, I guess.” You finish pouring the syrup on your French toast, shoving a large piece in your mouth as the soft sound of fluttering fills the kitchen.

“I am glad you’re feeling better.” Cas’s deep voice rumbles out, a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Thank you, Cas.” You manage to say around your mouthful of breakfast, giving what Dean liked to teasingly call your “chipmunk cheeks” as you smiled. Balthazar says nothing, just watches the exchange with those baby blues flitting over you a few times in the span of a handful of seconds. Part of you was wondering what was going to come out of his mouth, shoving another piece of French toast into your mouth as you waited.

He pulled the chair next to Jody out, slipping into it and staring at you before rolling his eyes.

“No ‘thank you’ I see.” He mutters before pursing his lips and looking away.

“I honestly thought you’d have a smart-ass line or some mention of finally getting your hands on me.” You answer with a little shrug before chomping happily on a piece of bacon. Those sky-blue eyes bored into you, his jaw clenched tight. “But thank you, Balthazar.” You wait for a beat, finishing your bacon and letting him relax a smidge. “My heart will now go on.”

“Don’t you fucking -”

“Near.” You cut the rest of your breakfast up, taking a few quick bites of the scrambled eggs on your plate before softly breathing out the next word. “Far.”

“I am going to turn you over my knee, Y/N.”

“Wherever I am.”

“That’s it.” Balthazar snaps, knocking the chair over as he rises, his arm wrapping under your breasts and the both of you disappearing from the kitchen as Sam shouts your name. Balthazar pins you between the door (if the sudden jiggling of the door handle and shouts of your name were any indication) and his body, arms caging you in. “Darling, I’ve been exceedingly patient -”

“Patient? You’ve been an asshole since we met!” A deep voice sounds on the other side of the door then several pairs of footsteps recede.

“And I’ve been attempting to be nicer.”

“The last week or so has been nice?” You ask incredulously, eyebrows shooting up. He licks his lips, dropping his gaze to the floor before meeting your gaze once more - the softness from hours ago reappearing.

“I asked you to be careful.” You scrunch up your nose at the sudden change in demeanor and tone. “It was easy to smite the lamias but so much harder to see you injured.” He lifts his right hand, running his thumb along your jawline. What the actual fuck? “I have - made an effort - the last week or so, to be nicer. I brought you all the expensive sherry. No more tricks on you. Left those nice diamond earrings on your dresser. And healed your pretty rib tattoo.” You tilt your head to the side minutely, trying to process what the angel had said. “I’m supposed to protect you, love.”

“Then why did you act that way?” You hated the way your voice sounded, more sad than angry. “I tried to be extra nice to you. To make sure the boys weren’t total dicks to you. And how you treated... wait, are you drunk?”

“Mmhmm. I am a little tipsy, even for me.”

“Jesus.” Placing both hands on his chest you attempt to push him away, but he doesn’t move. Except to drop his face in the crook of your neck, his hand that had been cupping your cheek now slides into your hair.

“You smell wonderful.” He mumbles against your skin as he closes the space between your bodies. “I wanted to lie with you as you slept. To wrap my wings around you. Scent you.” A few soft kisses pressed along your throat sent chills down your spine. “My human to protect.” His lips brush against your jaw as your hands move to slide up his sides then down his back. You get a firm grip on his ass, his erection pressed against you as he captures your lips.

“Don’t think this suddenly abolishes everything you’ve done.” You pant out as Balthazar’s lips, and teeth, return to your neck.

“I am willing to work very hard to make amends, Y/N.” He promises before kissing you once more, rutting himself against you. He pulls away sharply, his hands sliding over your ass before grasping the backs of your thighs, signaling you to wrap your legs around his waist. Your suddenly naked back hits the bed, gasping as his weight settles atop you. “I am going to pound into your little human body until you pass out. Does that sound abolish-worthy?” You tangle your fingers in his short blonde hair, tugging his mouth down to yours.

“It’s a hell of a start, Balthazar.”

Tags: @nobodys-baby-now @thewhiterabbit42 @chelsea072498 @lucis-unicorn @sakurablossom4 @clockworkmorningglory