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lifechurchgb · 5 years ago

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The Book of James

I have been hearing a lot of great feedback about the series of messages we’re in on James. It’s been an easy series to write because I’m just letting the scriptures speak for themselves. It’s however not been an easy series to preach, because I’m letting the scriptures speak for themselves. James is an incredibly practical book while simultaneously being an incredibly provocative book. It’s challenging isn’t it? I only have one regret when it comes to this series. I wish I had more time to go through it. Planning is really important to me so I try plan my preaching schedule well in advance. I gave myself 7 weeks to journey through James �� I wish I had given myself more. With that thought in mind I am going to periodically jump over sections of the book on Sundays but I will supplement those times by writing an article or blog about the portions that have been passed over. Today I want to come out of James 2:1-11 and talk to you about Judgment & Favoritism. I pray that God will use these words to continue to challenge you from His Word.

Have you ever been judged? Of course you have. And, none of us like it. No one likes being sized up. No one likes being analyzed or criticized or categorized. Yet, we do it every day. We size people up. We look at people and affix an endless number of labels to them. We judge what people wear, what they drive, how they walk, the size of their waistline, how they wear their hair. The list of examples could go on and on. This is a serious problem in our culture, and it was during James culture as well. So much that James takes this topic head on. I want to look at what Pastor James has to say about judgment & favoritism as well as what his older brother Jesus had to say as well. Let’s start with James.

Look at how Chapter 2:1-11 reads in the New Living Translation:

“1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others? 2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives? 5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear? 8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law. 10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.”

I don’t think there’s anyone who would be reading this blog who hasn’t thought about judgment. However, many of our thoughts on judgment have focused on the effect it has on others. We’ve likely considered the lasting hurt our judgment has inflicted on others, but James has an interesting angle on this issue. James considers the effect judgment has on us – the actual source of the judgment. He lets us in on an insight that I have never considered. When I judge someone, it actually creates more pain on me than it does on the person I am judging. Many times, when you judge someone they have no idea you’re judging them at all. Judgment has a lot to do with assumptions. We assume things we have no idea about.

Years ago I had an amazing kid in my youth ministry. Even to this day there have been few people God has placed under my leadership who have more natural talent or potential. He had a clear call on his life to serve God in full-time ministry. He dove into serving in our youth services and on our service teams. He acted in dramas and served as an intern to Sonny & I. I was so excited to see him growing and striving to fulfill his potential. I served at that church for a few years before I transitioned to another church to serve as their youth pastor. When I left the church this young man was in he almost immediately took several steps backward. Before long he wasn’t attending church at all. It took a few years but I was finally able to connect with him and got to ask him why he wasn’t serving God anymore. His answer caught me a bit off guard. He told me point blank – “It’s because of you.” I didn’t even know how to respond other than to ask him what I had to do with it. I had mentored him. I had spent countless hours pouring into him. I loved him like a little brother. He went on to tell me that I had told him I was going to be at his church forever, but the minute an opportunity was presented for me to go work at a bigger church with a bigger youth ministry I broke my promise and walked away leaving him and his friends in the rear view mirror. He felt like I was a fake and a hypocrite. What my young friend did was make an assumption about my actions. He judged my motives based upon my actions. He had no idea what went into me making that decision from my end. The truth was, I wanted to serve as the youth pastor at his home church my whole life, but unfortunately that decision was not left entirely up to me. When my Senior Pastor retired after leading the church for 30 years, a younger Pastor from another state was brought in to lead the church and that Pastor had a team of his own that he wanted to lead with. I was given my notice to find another place of ministry. In case you’re not catching my drift, I was fired. I hadn’t communicated that fact to the students or the church because I wanted to protect their view of the new Pastor. I didn’t want their view of him to be hindered by their love of & loyalty to me. When I explained that to my young friend years later he understood, but it had cost him years of hurt and disappointment and unfortunately had changed the trajectory of his life. The point is, by making an assumption about me and judging my actions, he hadn’t brought any hurt to me, he only brought hurt to himself.

Dr. Jim Richards defines judgment as; “Assuming to know why someone did what they did or said what they said.” Knowing what happened is an observation; trying to figure out why it happened takes us into the realm of judgment. We have to be able to separate facts from the presumed motive.

What does Jesus say about Judgment & favoritism?

In Matthew 7:1-5 He says;

“1 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. 3 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”

It’s so much easier for me to see your speck than it is for me to see my log. It’s natural for me to see what’s wrong with you, while hoping you don’t see what’s wrong with me. I want you to view me as perfect because I not only judge you, I also judge myself. I want you to look at me like I’m perfect because of my own understanding of my deficiencies. I make the assumption that, if you knew about me what I know about me, you may not want to know me at all. I am judging myself right out of my own reality and our potential relationship. If I can see what’s wrong with you maybe it’ll be a relief for what’s wrong with me. Unfortunately, we don’t only judge others and judge ourselves, we also judge God. We try to assume to know why He did what He did. When something bad happens to us or someone we care for, we immediately begin to ask why He caused it, or in the very least why He allowed it to happen? When we assume God’s motives we put ourselves into a position of judgment or authority over Him. We fail to remember that God has but one motive. God’s only motive is Love. His only motive is good. His ways are higher than ours, His view is higher than ours. He sees the end from the beginning. He understands the outcome when we don’t. We simply can’t judge His motive when we don’t have all the facts.

So, a question arises; what do we need to do? How do we stop? How do we stop judging others, ourselves & our God? I wanna give you:

4 Things To Combat Judgment In Our Lives

Here’s the first. We need to…

Value People

Philippians 2:3 says;

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves”

The great theologian and Apostle of the Church Paul tells us that the act of valuing others requires the characteristic of humility. Judgment is the complete opposite of humility. As soon as we judge someone we elevate ourselves above them. We become the authority on their actions. We assume to know why they did what they did or said what they said. We assume we know why they hurt us. I hate to break it to you but that’s not humility. It takes humility to value people. Now, it doesn’t take a lot of humility to treat someone good if they have something to offer you. But, when there’s nothing to gain from that person we tend to not value them.

When I was attending college in Minneapolis, I met a guy named Red. I met Red because he was a regular “customer” at the Walgreens by my apartment. I put the word customer in quotes because there was a 50/50 chance that Red wasn’t going to be paying for the items he needed from the store. Red was homeless and a seemingly hopeless addict. He would use whatever resources he could to escape his current reality. One of his primary sources of alternate reality was Lysol. You read that right – Lysol – the air freshener. Red would get the biggest can of Lysol he could from the store and spray it into a paper cup then drink it. Apparently, not only does Lysol instantly remove 99% of germs, but it also immediately gets you 100% messed up. It would have been easy for me to assume Red was just some loser base head, but even back then, before Jesus, I valued people. Let me take a side note and say, we have to be careful who we devalue, because God values every single person. God knows something about that person that you don’t know. Every person is the way they are for a reason. We may not know anything about that person but God does. God knows every moment of their life. For example, God knows that Red wasn’t always drinking Lysol on the streets of Minneapolis. God knows that Red used to be police officer in Phoenix Arizona and was a member of the SWAT team. God knows that one-day on a raid of a drug house Red was distracted by a sound for a split second. He was distracted just long enough to take his focus off the partner whose back he was responsible to watch. He was distracted just long enough for that partner to be shot in the head by one of the drug dealers inside the house. Red turned around to watch his partner fall to the ground dead. Red shot and killed the dealer who shot his partner then in a fog he walked out of the drug house. He didn’t stop walking until he hit Minneapolis. I don’t know why he picked Minneapolis, but in listening to his story, I can understand a little better why he wanted to escape reality. So, while Red is pan handling for enough money to buy another can of Lysol, God knows the back-story and values him while you judge him. My point is, the more we get to know about people, the more our grace goes up & our judgment goes down. We go from zero to judgment so quick but 1 Samuel 16:7 says;

…people judge by outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart.

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could value more?

Here’s the second thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Accept People

Romans 15:7 says…

“Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.”

Acceptance is so simple, when you understand the outcome. God will be glorified when we accept each other. It is the model of Jesus. Jesus clearly communicated that you don’t have to change anything about you. That’s what Jesus does. He accepts us as is. We don’t have to change a thing to be accepted. It’s throughout the New Testament. Jesus accepted sinners. He accepted a woman caught in the act of adultery and a man possessed by demons and the list goes on. He accepted them because, from His eternal perspective, they had great worth. Let me give you a picture of acceptance.

If I took a $100 bill and handed it to you, almost all of you would readily accept it. Now keep in mind, you have no idea where that $100 bill has been, whose dirty hands have been on it, or what it’s been used for. That $100 bill may have been a part of a drug deal or a hit on someone’s life or paid for pornography or prostitution. We have no idea the evil or the good that $100 bill has been used for. When I hand you the money, you don’t care in the least how dirty or wrinkled it is, you immediately think what you could do with that money, because no matter how wrinkled or dirty it is the value of that $100 Bill is still $100. The $100 bill hasn’t lost one ounce of value since the day it rolled off the press. It would probably never even cross you mind where that money has been or who that money has been with when you decide whether or not to accept the $100 bill.

The same is true of you. Regardless of how wrinkled or dirty you are, regardless of the journey you’ve been on or the current location in which you find yourself, none of that determines whether or not Jesus will accept you. Today Jesus will accept you and assigns the same value to you as He did the day you were born. Do you live by the same virtue? Do you accept people in their current tattered condition as to be glory to the God who accepted you in your most tattered condition?

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could accept more?

Here’s the third thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Forgive People

This is the most difficult, but if we don’t forgive, we will stay locked in a box of judgment. We will never get free if we don’t forgive. In the Gospels, Jesus’ disciples ask Him to teach them how to pray. Jesus responds by reciting a prayer that is now famously referred to as “The Lord’s Prayer.” Look at how it reads in Matthew 6:9-13…

9 “This, then, is how you should pray: “ ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10 your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11 Give us today our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. ’

If you’ve been a Jesus Person for very long, you probably know that prayer, and may even be able to recite it from heart. But, check out what Jesus says next. In the verse right after “The Lord’s Prayer” Jesus says this…

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Not only is it important to forgive, but according to Jesus it is necessary. Jesus says that because He knows that forgiving others is a matter of the heart. If you can’t forgive others, you ultimately can’t forgive yourself. If you can’t forgive yourself, you can never see yourself through the lens of Jesus. You are not who you think you are. You are more than you will ever see yourself to be, but you have to forgive yourself, and for that debt to be forgiven, you must first forgive your debtor. You have to forgive those who have hurt you, abused you, disrespected and dishonored you. We’re hesitant because we think we’re giving the offender power, but in truth, when we forgive we’re taking the power back. That person no longer has the power to minimize your life or hold you hostage by their actions. We’re hesitant because we think we’re giving the offender our trust back, but we’re not. We’re actually taking our trust from them and putting it in God. When we forgive we acknowledge our trust in God to heal our hurts and hearts. Forgiving people isn’t based on our feelings but on God’s heart. Even after enduring unimaginable torture, from the cross Jesus said; “Father Forgive them…” and the “them” He was talking about included me and it included you.

Don’t you think there are people in your life you could accept more?

Here’s the fourth thing to combat judgment in our lives…

Get Close To People

Relationship is essential. The closer you get to people, the further you get from judgment. On the flip side, isolation is a breeding ground for judgment. Some of the most critical people I know have no meaningful relationships. It’s no wonder they sit around and think of everything that’s wrong with everyone they know. They probably think those people are sitting around thinking about what’s wrong with them. It’s a vicious circle. Relationship is the antidote to judgment. It’s why we have Life Groups. If you can surround yourself with people who care about you, suddenly the overwhelming problems of your life become more manageable because now you have someone with whom to share the burden. There’s a fascinating portion of scripture in the book of Luke. You’ve probably heard it or read it before, but let me try to give you a different perspective on it today.

Luke 6:38 says…

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Like you, I’ve heard that scripture as a pre-offering message about money. Let’s be honest, I’ve used that scripture as a pre-offering message about money. In truth, that scripture can be used in regard to money because of the principle of sowing and reaping. But, in this scripture Jesus is actually talking about relationships. Reading the verse before will help you see the context. Look at John 6:37-38

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

That’s the picture of a beautiful relationship. People respond in direct accordance to how we treat them. If we treat them with generosity, they’ll respond with generosity. If we treat them with love, they’ll respond with love. Treat them with acceptance, they’ll respond with acceptance. If we treat them with cynicism, they’ll respond with cynicism. If we treat them with criticism, they’ll respond with criticism. Treat them with judgment, they’ll respond with judgment. It’s interesting to note that when you give, you generally get back more than you gave. That rings true for the positive as well as with the negative. Today I want love, so I will give love. I don’t want to be judged so I won’t judge. How do I do that? I get close to you and I let you get close to me. The closer I get to you, the less I’ll judge you because I begin to understand why you are the way you are.

Again, relationship is the antidote to judgment. A relationship with other people, but more importantly, a relationship with Jesus. He’s the only one who knows you, understands you, and yet still values you, accepts you, forgives you and longs to have you close to Him. Are you close to Him today? If you’re not, you can be. All you have to do is ask. If you’ve never done that, will you do it now? All you have to do is read these words and believe them in your heart:

Dear Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m a sinner. I repent of my sins and ask you to forgive me. Would you come into my life and make it new. I can’t live the way I’ve lived any more. Save me from myself. Empty me of me and fill me with you. I receive you as my personal Lord and Savior. In Jesus name Amen.

If you prayed that prayer we want to help you walk the Jesus Journey. Will you do us the honor of emailing us to tell us you’ve received Jesus as your Lord and Savior? I want to personally connect with you. Thanks.

See you Sunday;

Shawn

#pastorshawn

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cpdevos · 4 years ago

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3/17/21: How Could They Do That?

Hey everyone! I hope you all are doing well this week! Please pray to begin so that you can set your mind on hearing from God. There are so many distractions in our life that draw our attention away. Pray that God will help you to focus on Him and to put Him before everything else.

Recently for my devotions, I've been reading through the book of Exodus. So far I've read about God's miraculous works in bringing out His people, the Israelites, from the land of Egypt, and His provision for His people during their wandering in the desert. Every time I read through these stories, I always notice a couple of themes. The first is that God is so powerful and really loves His people. The second is that, even though the Israelites see all the amazing things that God does for them, they quickly forget about those things once something difficult comes up. Several examples pop up in the first half of Exodus. Here's one example.

Exodus 7

3 But I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, so that I may multiply My signs and My wonders in the land of Egypt. 4 When Pharaoh does not listen to you, I will lay My hand on Egypt and bring out My armies, My people the sons of Israel, from the land of Egypt by great judgments. 5 Then the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord, when I extend My hand over Egypt and bring out the sons of Israel from their midst.”

Beginning in chapter 7, God had instructed Moses and Aaron to approach Pharaoh to demand that he free the Israelites. However, God knew that Pharaoh would not free the Israelites immediately. Instead God had actually made Pharaoh stubborn and resistant so that He could show His power. God had performed many miracles in Egypt by sending the 10 plagues (Exodus chapters 7-12). He judged the land of Egypt through the plagues and through His power freed the Israelites. God then led the Israelites through wilderness to the Red Sea by a pillar of cloud and fire. That's not something you exactly see every day either.

After this, when Pharaoh had begun pursuing them (chapter 14), they became frightened and wished they had never left Egypt. They quickly forgot how God had just rescued them from the hands of Pharaoh and the many miracles that He had performed. God then further demonstrated His power when He led the Israelites through the Red Sea and washed away the Egyptians that were chasing them. How did Israel respond to this?

Exodus 15

22 Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea, and they went out into the wilderness of Shur; and they went three days in the wilderness and found no water. 23 When they came to Marah, they could not drink the waters of Marah, because they were bitter; for that reason it was named Marah. 24 So the people grumbled at Moses, saying, “What are we to drink?”

They started complaining again when a challenge arose. Think about that. Just a FEW days after God had split a SEA for them to walk through, they complained about God not providing for them. It was almost like they didn't see God just do the impossible. They once again doubted God's power and did not trust Him to provide for them. God did provide water for them, and not only water, but bread from heaven (manna) and quail (Exodus 16). Then, in chapter 17, the Israelites complained AGAIN about not having water, and God once again provided them with water, this time out of a rock.

Later on... the Israelites blew it again.

Exodus 32:1

Now when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down from the mountain, the people assembled around Aaron and said to him, “Come, make us a god who will go before us; for this Moses, the man who brought us up from the land of Egypt—we do not know what happened to him.” The people became impatient and doubted God. After they had seen all these miracles God had performed, they decided to rebel against God and create their own "gods". Moses' brother, Aaron gave into their request by creating a statue of a golden calf. Obviously, God was obviously very angry with them and was ready to destroy them, but Moses pleaded with God to spare the Israelites. God listened and had mercy on them, but there were still consequences for the Israelites (Exodus 32:25-35).

It's easy to criticize the Israelites for their actions after witnessing God perform miracles and rescue them. But we always have to ask the question, "Am I being like the Israelites?" We notice that they literally were eyewitnesses to all the amazing things God did, but do we ignore the things we see God do in our lives today as well? While they may not always seem as miraculous as splitting a sea into two parts, God most definitely is still working in incredible ways now. We see these great things that God is doing, and if I am honest, I often respond like the Israelites did. I am no better than the Israelites who were complaining, because I do it myself too. I doubt God, or forget the amazing things He has done, such as what He did in the Bible, what He is doing in my life, and what He is going to do.

Jesus warns us in the Sermon on the Mount about judging others (Matthew 7:1-5). We may judge someone for the speck in their eye, but we are ignorant about the log in our own eye. When we read about any of the people in the Bible, including the Israelites, we need to remember that they are just like us, flawed human beings. The Israelites failed to always trust God and often forgot His amazing deeds, and we often do the same today.

So, here are some closing application questions that I want you to think about:

Am I being like the Israelites? Do I doubt God and forget who He is?

What are some of the "logs" in my own eye? What do I need to do to make sure I am not in the wrong as well?

What are some steps I can take this week to be less of a judge and to give grace to others when they fail?

Pray to close,

Dan Dan

#dandan #exodus #matthew #faith #judging #march2021

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haikumomentsandinspiration · 5 years ago

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#healthcarevacation, part IV

Today is Sunday, May 10, 2020: Mother’s Day. (I like that in Turkish, the name of the day is Mothers’ Day—plural. I prefer that.)

This felt like the appropriate time to sit down and catch up with the documentation of this long journey.

If you need to catch up, you can read Part I here, Part II here, and Part III here.

So where were we? Ah, yes. December 2019. The pregnancy/birth guarantee program at Fertty International Clinic in Barcelona, Spain.

In my research looking for a new clinic after the last failed transfer (and the poor communication after staffing changes at our old clinic), one thing became clear: G. needed to have more tests and analyses done to try to figure out why all these transfers, including a donor egg cycle with two transfers, had failed.

After much struggle trying (in vain) to have Kaiser cover the tests and analyses Gene and I needed to have done, we realized it was going to be cheaper and easier for Gene to fly solo to Spain in November to get all that done. He would come back to SF, we would wait about three weeks for the test results, and then, based on the test results, we would finalize the protocol for me and the embryo transfer.

Thankfully, G’s results came back normal, everything within expected ranges and levels. So our application to the birth guarantee/shared risk program was officially approved. I would go to Barcelona (solo this time) at the start of my winter break, have a first scan to check my lining, adjust my medication as needed, and get ready for transfer day in about a week.

On December 10, G and I went out for sushi in San Francisco one last time (we hoped) before pregnancy, and a week later, I left for Barcelona. My first check up at Fertty the day after my flight was mostly just blood work and an initial scan to see how my lining was coming along. The lining was fine, but surprise, surprise: I was getting sick with a cold—December flights/weather change were working their magic on me again. My doctor asked to see me in a couple of days, and told me to keep the clinic updated on my health. Two days later, my cold had gotten worse, but my lining was still all right. I spent the rest of the day looking for a reputable and affordable acupuncturist (the second part being the challenge), and thanks to a friend’s rec, I made an appointment, with a focus not on uterine lining support this time, but on kicking this cold’s ass before transfer day.

I took it easy that week, feeling no pressure to do any sightseeing since my priority was the healthcare part of this #healthcarevacation without a doubt. I feasted (!) on soup, bone broth, and hot tea and not much else for several days, and slowly started getting better. My clinic decided to keep my transfer day as scheduled: December 27. Meanwhile, Rina joined me again in Barcelona for a few days for emotional support leading up to transfer day (she doesn’t need much of an excuse to travel, especially to Barcelona).

December 27: Transfer Day! I went to the Fertty for my final blood work before the transfer and to sign some papers. Then, off to fertility acupuncture, and back to the clinic for my transfer. Everything went smoothly; we transferred one embryo this time, with four more good quality embryos left for future attempts/a sibling, so I was feeling good and positive. Besides, their recovery/rest room was the most comfortable one I’d been in in all these cycles at three different clinics. After resting a bit, I went out for lunch, then headed back to my acupuncturist for a post-transfer fertility acupuncture session. Stick, baby, stick!

I took it easy the rest of the time I was in Barcelona. Went out for a walk at least once a day, but had lazy days for the most part.

On New Year’s Eve, the woman I was staying with, Renata, and I went for a late lunch at her favorite Brazilian Bistro (she’s from Brazil). And for dinner, we decided to go to my favorite Turkish restaurant, which I knew would be open till late with their regular menu and would not be charging an arm and a leg for a modified menu. After lunch, Renata, another Brazilian friend of hers, and I walked to the beach for a Brazilian ritual honoring Iemanja (Brazilian spelling). We made wishes, prayed, meditated, and threw yellow and white carnations to the sea for Iemanja, then sat together and watched the sunset. I felt so grateful to be invited to join this ritual (this will be my new cultural appreciation vs. cultural appropriation example the next time I teach that class!). Ever since I’ve known about her, I’ve always felt drawn to Iemanja—being a Pisces and considering my home to be the sea more than any piece of land and all. I felt at peace, and all felt right in the world in a way that I hadn’t felt for a while during this long fertility journey.

I took it easy the next day. And the day after that, the morning of January 3, I had some spotting...very faint, but still spotting. I called G. and cried on the phone. But as he said, we were not out yet. I let Fertty know, too; they said they would up my progesterone dosage and monitor me closely. I had a big lunch and a late dinner that day. Big mistake. I woke up around 3:30 am, nauseated, and threw up twice. In the morning, my spotting had gotten slightly darker, but it was still not heavy spotting and definitely not considered bleeding. I went up from 600 to 800 mg of progesterone a day, and followed the BRAT diet—well, just the R part. The following day, I was feeling better, and finally went outside and played tourist. Surrounding myself with the beauty of Barcelona felt healing. Meanwhile, my clinic told me I could come by the morning before my flight back home for a blood test so they could tell me sooner than later both the result and what the next steps would be. If I weren’t pregnant, I didn’t want to keep taking all those pills and patches loaded with hormones.

January 7, 2020: pregnancy test day! A year ago today was transfer day at Irema clinic, I noticed. I had a glimmer of hope, but no gut feeling either way. I repeated the lesson I had learned from a guided meditation that had been helping me a ton: there is hope in uncertainty! I distracted myself by finally sitting my ass down and doing some lesson planing for my cultural competence/equity literacy unit. In the middle of that, around 2:30 pm came the phone call from the clinic. “Do you want me to tell you on the phone or do you want to come in?” I didn’t want to go in just to hear “I’m sorry...” and I wasn’t sure I wanted a hug. You can just tell me now, I said, bracing myself.

And that’s how I found out I was pregnant.

I don’t remember the exact words the patient coordinator said. I just remember it took a second for it to sink in, and then I started crying while still somehow continuing the conversation and smiling from ear to ear. I finished up my work, and headed to the beach for sunset, which was my plan whether it was positive or negative. Whether I had to celebrate or grieve, I wanted to do it facing the sea.

I went to the beach, watched the sunset, thanked Iemanja, thanked the Universe, and recorded an “IVF Log” video, which I assumed we would eventually share with our baby.

At this point, you may have noticed I didn’t call G as soon as I heard. The next day, January 8th, was my flight back, and the day of our first date 11 years ago. The plan was to tell him in person—our anniversary gift.

When I arrived home, I didn’t let him know I already knew. I didn’t know if he knew that I knew. We had decided on no anniversary presents this year since we had plenty of medical expenses. Turns out G got me a couple of gifts. I would have been upset with him when we had said we weren’t doing presents. Instead, I went to the bathroom, took the pregnancy tests I’d been saving for this day, then went back to the living room, saying I did have some presents for him from Spain. I gave him the couple of small gifts I had gotten for him from Barcelona. Then, I said I realized there was one more thing, and went back and got the pregnancy tests.

The adventure didn’t end there, leaving its place to a blissful period. I had some bleeding week 7 and week 8, and ended up going in for five ultrasounds in those two weeks, freaking out each time since that’s around the same time in my pregnancy and the exact way my miscarriage had begun back in 2016. Each visit, though, instead of the “I’m sorry...there’s no heartbeat” of 2016, we heard “there’s the heartbeat” and exhaled, immensely grateful. After week 8, all was well, but I remained cautious and scared, and didn’t want to share the news with anyone other than family for a while.

Then, the month after my return from Spain, of course: a global pandemic! We were handling all the challenges of this fertility journey so well, apparently, that the Universe thought, “Here, how about a global pandemic during your pregnancy in case things seem too easy now?” “Awesome,” I thought sarcastically; “what perfect timing.” Then, I realized: wait...this IS perfect timing. I came back from Spain, and not long after, Spain was suddenly one of the epicenters of the pandemic, one of the first countries that took significant precautions. This pregnancy did have perfect timing for real. I feel for women whose cycles had to be canceled or postponed.

Today, Mother’s Day, is exactly 22 weeks into my pregnancy—we are more than halfway there to our estimated September 13, 2020 due date. So it feels like it’s a good time to share the news at last.

I want to say that I do not take this pregnancy for granted—especially with the context of a global pandemic and how it has impacted assisted fertility cycles in mind. Each day, I thank the Universe “for this healthy pregnancy—for all the healthy days so far, and all the healthy days to come.” Each time I light a Shabbat candle, I pray not just for my own family and friends’ health, but also for all who are pregnant, and for all who are trying to get pregnant. I had thought that after almost five years of trying to conceive, when we finally succeeded, we would have celebration and community...and hugs! Instead, we found a global pandemic, isolation, distance from our loved ones, and more than the usual dose of a new parent’s fear of the unknown. Last month, I spent a lot of time crying upon slowly realizing all the things I wasn’t going to get in this pregnancy:

- being pregnant out and about in the world and experiencing what that’s like, even with all its irritations (people trying to touch my belly, people not giving their seat up for me on public transportation...); watching people slowly notice it at work...

- looking at baby stuff in person with G.: “OMG...Look at this one! Isn’t this soooo cute?!?”

- an all gender (in-person) celebration/party with our family/friends in July or August (silver lining, I guess, is that family/friends who aren’t in the Bay Area can attend the Zoom party now...whatever that will look like);

- going to Turkey in June one last time in a while before the baby comes; being pregnant on a beach in Turkey; going baby stuff shopping with my family in Turkey; eating all the amazing food in Turkey and knowing it was nourishing not just my soul, but also our baby.

- having my parents’ hands on my pregnant belly, feeling the kicks of their first grandchild;

- coming back from Turkey with my mom, who wanted to come for a visit before the baby to help us get ready at home;

- the September visit from both my parents; possibly having my mother in the delivery room, and knowing my dad is in the waiting room, being anxious and impatient; wondering if Rina could make it, even, and if she could, knowing she would be taking some amazing newborn photos.

Gratitude has been my savior this whole time, and it still is. I know we will have time with my parents, my sister, and my in-laws as they each meet our baby in person eventually, and we will all make beautiful, sweet memories. I know there was a time when there was no FaceTime that would allow a partner who’s not allowed to be at the anatomy scan to still be there virtually. I know there was a time there was no anatomy scan via ultrasound. I could go on.

There is so much to be grateful for still. Thank you, Universe, for this healthy pregnancy—for all the healthy days so far, and all the ones to come.

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outsidersunsets-blog · 8 years ago

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Trove Bot

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