#Honestly idk at this point I'm just trying to convince myself to post what I want when I want instead of trying to fit some weird standard

[moopbox]

CW/TW KNIFE AND WINE!!!!!

Also edgy cringe :p

EVIL Two tpot stimboard!!!

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|| 🍷-🟩-💄 || 🍰- 2 -🍰 ||💄-🟩-♟||

also the center thing is my art >:D

[yujeong]

Vegas not knowing about Pete's boxing past is nothing but sloppy writing if you ask me. Paranoia is family trait of the Theerapanyakul clan and no one can convince me Vegas hasn't made background check on every single bodyguard, staff member and associate of the main family. It's also interesting to point out that Vegas knows about Pete's grandma so he must've read something about Pete beforehand. Which is why Vegas not knowing about Pete being a former boxer and victim of domestic abuse is weird. (My God Vegas would've been a dick if he'd had held the latter against Pete.)

But since we're talking Vegas here his paranoia turns into obsession and he makes a file of Pete thick as the Bible post canon. Needles to say, this stirs some drama between the two because even saint like Pete has his limits with Vega's BS.

Hmm, honestly, I'm at this point in my brainrot with kpts/vp that I'd be able to rationalize any plot point, no matter how absurd, while still acknowledging that it's most likely a plot hole (though tbh, BOC could only do so much with the horrid source material they had to deal with, so hats off to them regardless).

For example, one argument I'd use for Vegas not knowing about Pete's backstory, is that Vegas seems surprised Pete has been through similar experiences that he himself has with his own father, not about him doing boxing. I rewatched the scene for the millionth time and as Pete is narrating his story, Vegas' face remains neutral until Pete tells him winning didn't change anything - he was still being beaten up by his bitter father who never became the boxer he wanted to be.

All I'm trying to say here is that Vegas could very well have known about the boxing, but not about the abuse. Maybe nobody from the family knew about the abuse, though I can't claim with confidence that Korn wouldn't know.

However

To Korn (and to Gun), what Pete's father was doing to his son wasn't abuse. It was discipline. It was him showing Pete he loves him. So, maybe Korn knew about it and thought it was good. Or maybe he compared him to Gun and thought Pete's father was a coward and bad at being a father.

Who knows?

I'm not trying to prove you wrong in any way, btw. As I said, if Vegas didn't actually know about Pete doing boxing, then that'd be super weird for someone like him. I just find it fascinating for Vegas to have known about everything in regards to Pete EXCEPT the most important thing that basically makes them connect from that point onwards in the story.

Though, I do have to disagree with you on one thing - or more precisely, express my doubts: I don't believe Vegas would have had the guts to use the abuse Pete suffered by his father against him. ESPECIALLY after Pete sees what happens at the basement between Vegas and Gun.

Vegas is a hypocrite and a coward when it comes to Pete. He'd be facing a mirror - and Vegas really hates himself and what the reflection would show back. We see it throughout their arc plenty of times and with the abuse element added in, it'd go to astronomical levels imo.

Did Vegas cross the line with Pete a million times? Yes. Would he cross it on this subject? Hmm, idk. I'm willing to believe so, but I'd never write it myself.

Now, about post-canon, many people in the fandom have said the same thing as you and I believe the same. He'd want to know e v e r y t h i n g about Pete, down to the last detail, and on the days he'd feel especially shitty, which would be most days, he'd want to drag Pete down with him.

We were talking just today with @wretchedamaranth about Pete snapping after everything that happened in ep14 + hospital era, and tbh we can add this one in it, too: Vegas' need to pry Pete open would push him to his limit.

And Pete isn't like Vegas. He wouldn't snap like Vegas does, and I'm trembling just thinking about what that would entail.

[bish-plz-haha]

I haven't seen any posts about this so I wanna make it; bare with me as I'm not sure my thoughts will be entirely coherent and understandable (this Pennsylvania summer heat got my brain melting, no joke).

So I rewatched the Lightning strike ep and the coma ep, and I found something quite interesting on my watch-through (as well as watching some edits of buddie on tiktok). So I've been thinking: why was everyone else in Buck's coma dream but Eddie. Eddie is one of the closest people to Buck. So why wasn't he there?

I'm not sure if this will make any sense, but the coma ep is basically Buck living out a dream where everything was fine and he grew up with his brother and parents and sister.

Now almost everyone except Eddie and Athena were in his dream. All completely different people: Bobby was an alcoholic and drug addict (at least that seemed my take from the ep), Maddie was still playing happy wife to dickbag, Chim and Hen were friends and firefighters but they had NO CLUE who he was, his parents were actually kinda nice and supportive of him (kill me now. That's nice and all but I hate them so much). And even Chris was there at the end of the ep, though he didn't particularly recognise Buck. He sounded lost, and like he was asking a stranger for help, not his best friend.

Now when 'Daniel' tells Buck when he wakes up, "Next time you go up a ladder, have someone there to spot you." And, as we know, Buck replied with, "I did," we get kinda a quick flashback to the ep previously to kinda remind the audience what happened. We kinda see a quick flash of Eddie hooking him up and hear his voice saying "go get em cowboy" (the implication of that is another thing in and of itself if we're being honest).

Now, why would Eddie not be in Buck's coma dream?

Honestly, with Buck being able to 'remember' he went up the ladder with a spot (AKA Eddie), I don't think he really had a reason to hold on to him. He already remembered him as he was- in uniform, doing his job, and having Buck's back ("You can have my back any day").

He has all these people in his dream because he's trying to hold on to them. To remember who they are, not necessarily how they are, just who. His central nervous system had a jolt and he was clinically dead for 3 minutes (and 17 seconds, courtesy of Eddie counting the time it took for them to get him down and start compressions: you cannot convince me that that man didn't mentally count each passing second from the moment he realised Buck had been struck and was dangling from his safety line to the time he got Buck down and placed onto the stretcher). That's a lot for someone's system to take. His brain lost a lot of oxygen in that time: and, speaking generally, when the heart stops for a good amount of time (being about 2 and a half minutes or more since the brain can take only about 5 minutes without oxygen before permanent brain damage without CPR), the chemical makeup starts to change because your brain is basically sending signals to the body that it may be dying and it might be time to shut down the body too. To go into a permanent slumber (hence the "superpowers," which is a real thing. Though a lot of people, including myself (it's my fun fact about myself: surprise! I've died), develop a "sixth sense" if you will).

So back to my main point; why Eddie wasn't in the coma dream.

Buck's subconscious already remembered Eddie. He may not have remembered his face or anything, but he most definitely remembers him. He remembers key things about him. There's no need for Buck's brain to conjure up a version of Eddie because he's already significant enough. He is the only one we hear and see that Buck actually remembers being there for him. The shot they replayed as his memory was solely of Eddie and himself. Yes, Chim was in the background but he wasn't the focus of the shot. He was barely visible. And, again, we only hear Eddie's voice.

Idk maybe I'm crazy thinking about this but I'm at work, I'm bored. And it's been on my mind for a few days now.

[norellenilia]

Damn, I remember the first time I watched FMA 03, when I was 16 or 17, I stayed up until 1 am to finish it, and today, watching episodes 38 through 42 turned me into such an emotional mess that I have to take a break lmao what happened??? My own emotional traumas, that's what happened

I'm feeling so many things again

In episode 38, when Ed and Al are fighting, Al drenches Ed in water and he says "it's going to rain!!!" and I'm like haha no don't try to pull a Mustang on me I know this episode won't make me cry and GUESS WHAT the flashback with Trisha convincing Ed to go and find Al so they can talk things out and Al looking so happy that Ed isn't upset with him anymore it's so cute I CRIED

I need -- no, I DEMAND a spin-off series where Winry and Scziezka solve murder mysteries together (I'd love to write it myself but I know I'm not nearly good enough at coming up with mystery stories lol), they're adorable I'm so happy they totally get together post CoS

Martel's death hits SO MUCH HARDER than I remembered holy shit, she and Al actually got close, we see more of her, her death is so horrific and hearing sweet sweet baby boy Alphonse cry just BROKE MY HEART I never wanted to hug an armor so badly

Scar's brother's last moments, the way he looks so terrified and desperate to protect his little brother from Kimblee and Scar being so devastated when he dies I just-- *clenches fist*

Sloth using Ed's PTSD against him that's so UNFAIR; also I was thinking that I was a bit disappointed that this anime did not include the nightmare that Ed has at some point in the manga where he sees his mom saying "why didn't you make me right" etc but this is it, this is this scene, and it's worse because he's hearing it for real, he is very much awake, he has the real voice of his mom in his ears and she's saying this to him and I'm-- *clenches fist harder*

Rose's story, I'm still so mad, she deserves all the happiness in the world

Speaking of Rose, it's so funny how the moment Al is like "I wonder how Rose is doing" the show just full on goes "Ed/Rose shipper" mode lmao, with Ed blushing while pretending not to remember her, him being so awkward when he speaks to her just before they go on their separate ways and her son just smiling and giggling when he speaks (first time we see the baby laugh, he had only been crying up until then) :') To be honest it feels a bit out of the blue to me but idk

Dante sporting Lyra's white ass in the town of brown people and speaking as if she was part of them just because she's following Rose around to manipulate her is incredibly cringe, but then again, it's Dante, she's the villain and we're already supposed to know something is up with "Lyra". But still.

Very random but Al pulling objects from or putting objects inside his armor from behind the cloth always looks very awkward lol

I used to never really care about Scar but I have learned the errors of my way as I now realize he is actually one of the best characters in this goddamn series, even with the orb of knowledge and the three arm losses, and Mangahood!Scar being much more villainized and ending up working with the military will never come even CLOSE to 03!Scar using his last bit of strength to save Alphonse to honor his love for his lost brother and take his ultimate revenge on those who murdered his people in the goal of protecting oppressed people, all of this while an epic music is playing (honestly it even feels like Ed is made to be seen as an obstacle as he tries to prevent the soldiers from entering Liore lol)

Sorry but Wrath is annoying as hell, I know that I'll probably have a different opinion if I rewatch CoS after that, but for now I hate him

We're finally entering the "Rewrite" era of the show and I had forgotten how much it rocks (Ed's hair animation at the beginning fhjkfhkdhjk)

I only have 9 episodes left but between Lust and Sloth in the upcoming episodes I'm not even sure I'll be able to watch it all in one go lol. Still excited to see more of Winry and Scziezka and remembering how much Hohenheim is absolutely useless in this x)

[wrongcaitlyn]

hiiiii tawny I had free time for the first time in like WEEKS and so I caught up on your solangelo au week posts and now for my thoughts:

so american: YES. I LOVE. SO WORTH THE WAIT. NO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY THE VIBES WERE VIBING. I read this as soon as it came out so the thoughts have left my head but trust I loved it.

renegades au: omg I love it. v v excited to see where it goes. also may have convinced me that I need to read renegades?? but I love the dynamic that the anarchists have. also I love scientist percy for some reason like it’s def not the easiest power you could’ve went with but I like the idea of him being a more behind-the-scenes guy bc I think that’s what he’d choose for himself if given the chance. also your percabeth dynamics are on point in literally every fic from this week (even tho they’re just in the background lmao).

new rome au: I think this route for nico is like. actually way more plausible than what happened canonically. like he DOES have way more friends in new rome than in chb. dont get me wrong im glad he stayed in canon but this was SO INTERESTING. I love the idea of nico healing on his own and separate from will. I feel like it takes away some of the… unhealthy codependency of their relationship LOL. once again the percabeth dynamics🫶🏻 also I feel like some space from percy and then seeing him while he and annabeth are in college more often would be good for their friendship??? like idk I am a big fan of taking ur space when needed. also risk is SUCH a will song. boy was in love with a dude before they even had a conversation.

nerds au: as a nerd a nerds au is something that can be so special LMAO I love this dynamic perhaps bc it is also my life (esp in hs). all of the character dynamics in this fic were just. chef’s kiss. I loved. I think you translated nico’s unhealthy habits from canon into a hs au in a really interesting, believable way bc nico WOULD stay up late to do hw out of spite. maybe not canon nico but a nico who grew up in the (possible public) school system. also I love the quiz bowl addition (at my hs it was called scholar bowl so sorry if I type that instead LOL) bc I had so much fun in quiz bowl. I made some of my best friends thru it :) are u in quiz bowl?!? the rules were way too accurate to be written by someone unfamiliar with it lol.

long story short I love all ur fics and will forever be excited to see an update to any one of them <3

oh my GOD. you have literally made me die dead. kicking my feet and giggling at this AHHGSDF

i'm SO glad that you liked so american!!!! was highly anticipating ur response bc u convinced me to actually write it so!!!! i'm so happy <33

ABSOLUTELY READ RENEGADES. srsly it's such a good series like i will recommend it to EVERYONE. the anarchists dynamic is so😭😭 keep in mind that this is a heavy au of renegades, so the dynamic is slightly different (+ a very different ending in the series, i took a lot of creative liberties) but i'm so glad that you liked it!! and YESLKSDJF i just realized that i had background percabeth in all of my solangelo week fics. which like. THEYRE SO ICONIC THEY HAVE TO BE EVERYWHERE i think there are some couples that i absolutely LOVE but i prefer to actually write them as background couples?? like i obsess over their dynamics, but i like it from an outsider's perspective and not as the main plotline (at least when writing fics) so i very much enjoyed including them in all of these

honestly SAME with the new rome au. like. absolutely love that nico managed to make a home in chb, but like?? reyna jason AND hazel were all in new rome... i honestly wouldn't have blamed him if he took that opportunity instead!!! i think this would be a really cool au to expand on and like actually make a full multichap but i am trying desperately to not turn everything into 100k monstrosities. i tried limiting myself to 5k words and didn't even manage that so. but i definitely think he would've grown a lot + gotten some healthier coping mechanisms when living with all of his friends, then meeting percy a year later, and THEN going into a relationship with will - and ofc, will is happy with whatever ends with a solangelo endgame. he's their own number one shipper!!

I'M SO GLAD U LIKED THE NERDS AU nico's characterization was definitely something that i considered (and, tbh, that i consider in all au's, because trauma and coping mechanisms do not often translate the exact same over universes - characters are always going to behave slightly different in other situations, so it's always exciting to see how that works!!). one thing that DOES translate throughout every universe is that he has no semblance of a sleep schedule; this time it's just due to hw instead of tartarus nightmares! SAME WITH THE QUIZ BOWL and yes i am part of the club!!! genuinely made my friend group through that, and we actually did what was in the fic irl - as in, we made a discord server and like quizzed each other over that. my team lost be an insane amount. i am nowhere near as skilled as nico and will. i maybe have gotten, like, 4 questions right in my two years of being part of the club (though i will use the excuse that my anxiety makes it VERY hard to hit the buzzer. i hate being wrong more than not answeringslkdf) but!!!! i do think nico and will would SLAY at quiz bowl, they both definitely feel like people who have random encyclopedic knowledge on the most niche topics

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH ILY <333

[strangertheories]

Honestly, byler to me has become a stressful 'thing' now i cannot even enjoy it due to the whole discourse and drama surrounding it lol. Also it feels like the shipping culture kinda died because people just stopped shipping things for fun but it became a match where you have to prove your ship's 'validity' 'morality' or how it actually exists in canon and it should exist in canon (for this and that reason), and you have to constantly prove yourself that you are a master analysist and you Get The Narrative and that's why you ship this ship and if it doesnt become canon then it means the writing is dumb/poor and im like..? You dont really have to do all that and i get that sometimes feeling so passionately about shipping is natural part of fandom and i have been there and done that too, but this whole narrative and mindset surronding it is just really tiring. if a ship makes you this stressed and traumatized and if it happens you say stuff like 'imma kms' maybe just kinda take a step back idk. I ship ron/nce and i adore their dynamic, but i am well aware that it is not going to happen even if i see a certain level of dynamic between nancy and robin. and i get that it is different for will since will is canonically into mike now but the overall point still stands. you can still like a ship even if it doesnt become canon you dont have to try so hard to prove its existence or validity since the shipping is usually supposed to be... fun.

Anon, I'm convinced I somehow sent this to myself because I'm exactly the same. I get being critical of the show's queer rep and plot if Byler isn't canon or being disappointed which we saw a lot of post volume 2, but yeah. Being a Byler shipper has become not fun™ and it's become a requirement that you think it's going to be endgame in order for you to ship it. And I also think the sense of superiority a lot of Byler shippers have about being great critical thinkers or having media literacy can make it feel scary to ever question anything anyone ever says, although most people were actually quite supportive when I spoke about this. All of that to say, letting go of Byler endgame before S4 has been great for me; I love analysing and theorising about Byler without the pressure of needing it to be canon.

And I know people will read this as "you shouldn't be bothered by the show using Will" but what I and I believe the anon is trying to say is that fandom should be built off of fun and wanting your ship to have content because you enjoy it, not because you're terrified it's not gonna be canon. Easier said than done, but I think you need to take care of yourself and your mental health too. I'm not famous or anything but I have quite a few followers now and I'm not going to lie or guarantee 100000% that it will be canon because I just do not know and I genuinely think people's mental health will be damaged because they've been hyping up an expectation of ST5 for years.

If shipping Byler has become too stressful for you, try take a break for a bit (I've been posting less over the last few months partially because of this too). Especially since we all have hiatus brain where expectations and theories become more and more wild because we have to keep digging deeper into the same content. I'm so scared that S5 will come out and it doesn't happen because I like a lot of people in this fan community and if Byler isn't canon, we'll get angry posts for a couple of months and maybe some theories about interference or deleted scenes (this happen post S4 a bit as well) but then it's gone ): the community revolves more about being 100% sure Byler will happen instead of enjoying the pairing of Mike and Will so without canon Byler, I don't know what will remain.

Thanks for the ask, anon. Also Ronance forever! <3

[error-dark]

BMARS Spoilers ahead!

So I was not prepared for today's lore.

First up, Stitch is... idk how to feel about that guy since idk much about them. (they're probably a bigger deal on MAFS, but I hardly watch that channel unless it's connected to the lore. although I think it kinda is??? idk that channel hasn't been my main focus).

Second, when I saw the notification from the discord server while grocery shopping, I felt my heart sank in a bit of panic, but luckily I was able to convince myself to finish the errands before watching it. So when I finally got around to my first watch, most of the time was just listening to Ruin and Stitch's conversation, not really trying to form any thoughts, more like just watching it fully before coming up with anything.

And then the phone call with Bloodmoon happened... And what Ruin said afterwards... tbh, I figured Ruin would find out quickly, so that's not a surprise to me. However, I'm very concerned and worried for them now that Ruin's catching on very quickly. (I had to step away from my laptop for about 30 minutes to allow myself to proper process what I watched before doing a bit of note taking. I felt the same exact feeling I felt earlier again after watching it for the first time, so that little break actually helped).

Over all, this is all very excited lore that's happening, and I'm really hyped to continue watching as it continues.

Note: I'll be rambling about my thoughts of today's lore out of order for the rest of this post.

Ruin warned the twins not to kill Bonnie otherwise there'll be consequences and it's NOT the shocker. I'm very positive that no one wants to see Bonnie getting hurt or killed, but unfortunately BM's probably gonna do that. But he did mentioned there's something else that BM could go after and kill if they wish to afterwards. I'm hoping it's not Solar, but knowing Ruin, he's probably talking about Solar. I honestly don't know who else Ruin could be referring to.

The twins are also tired of Ruin's bullshit (honestly mood). So far, they're doing an okay job at keeping their interaction with Solar a secret. Also... "don't know how to use a computer"??? I think Adapt (calmer, younger twin) meant that they both don't know how to use/work an advanced/fancy computer like the static TV. Like, I know their trying to continue acting the way they do, but guys, come on. Not THAT dumb! xD

As I stated earlier, Ruin has definitely caught up to the point where he knows he's being lied to. He even started working on changing his plans when it's just him and the mysterious other POV that he talked to (I'm guessing that it's us, the audience/viewers, but I could be wrong). I feel like he mostly likely will try to find a way for Bloodmoon to tell him what their plans are and what they're doing behind his back one way or another. And it won't be pretty either.

I hope Solar could help Bloodmoon as much as he can before Ruin finds out. And I hope Solar and Bloodmoon makes it out alive.

[gcldfanged]

🧸 + 🧱 >:3 !!

RP PREFERENCES [ACCEPTING]

🧸 What's a nice, familiar part of your dash? Blog?

I'm not really sure what this means, but I guess the likes page? Cuz sometimes I 'like' posts so I can read it later or use something as inspo.

Blog wise, searching my own tags is pretty frequent because I am stupid and forget shit all the gd time. Oh, I wrote this months ago? Fuck if I can recall that headcanon.

🧱 Something you don't involve yourself with? uninterested? Anything you prefer to read instead of write?

-I used to not be into A/B/O because I didn't understand why people needed an excuse to have certain kinks, but someone explained it to me as like... a social setting/rules to play around with. And also kinda compared it to trans stuff, which I honestly had never thought about it like that before. I haven't explored it myself lately, but idk- Maybe if someone convinces me to try it, I might? I just am neutral towards it now.

-I also don't really do dnis in my rules anymore because someone pointed out how they're interpreted by other people and I didn't want to place that onus on potential mutuals.

Like, yeah, I have personal beef with some people for very valid reasons and I don't wanna see them- But that's what tumblr savior's for since 'block' doesn't always catch reblogs or asks.

It was more a matter of me wanting to protect myself because the RPC was getting active again and I wasn't sure who was kissing whose asses anymore, so I figured "okay if you're tight with so and so, you're not gonna wanna follow me ANYWAY" but, a friend corrected me on how they look to other people as some kind of rp 'red flag'.

-I'm aro grey-ace so I don't really read smut, but I find writing smut kind hard because I feel like it gets repetitive for my writing partner and I don't want to bore them. So I've actually gotten some recommendations of erotica novels and I'm reading them! One of them is actually really fucking funny, like it's very witty about the MCs observations of certain characters, so it's obviously not just about sex, which helps. More like court politics and schemes, which I LIKE, but then some smutty stuff thrown in.

Hopefully this will let me upgrade my skill level in writing sexy stuff, I'm accumulating experience points.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Halla, I get that you have to deal with lots of naysayers but wow… that was really not necessary. I'd actually be the first one who’d agree that most of the items in the house set bear specific meaning but, as my reply clearly showed, I'd already looked into the books a bit because I had the very same idea as you. Shocker, I know — there are others who think about those things!! That is why I had the link at the ready btw. I’ve just not found any deep/ convincing connections to the themes yet but I'm open to change my opinion if you find any. I also suggested that they picked the books for family connections/ sentimental reasons. I didn’t say "not that deep". And concerning Faust - I actually studied this play at university (in Germany btw) and teach it every year so that lecture wasn’t needed. I am perfectly aware that it’s about "selling your soul to the devil" duh. The themes that I named are perfectly correct. (ofc there's still more than that…) I'd normally be really excited to read your thoughts/ discuss how those themes relate to ATVB/ SATVB (and yeah, there’s plenty of cool things to talk about) but now I'm not that keen anymore. I get that I am just some rando on anon and maybe I didn’t express myself that well but you really didn’t have to bite my head off.

Excuse me? “Bite your head off” because I said to each their own??? What the fuck, man?

Just how stupid do you think I am? This is why I honestly should get off this fuckin app at this point. It’s not worth it trying to have a conversation with anyone anymore cuz all people want to do is be like you’re wrong and I’m right and how dare you even question me.

Idk you mentioned you’re a German teacher yeah? So i would imagine that as a teacher you are familiar with a middle ground??? That’s something we have in common. Teaching I mean. It’s all about synthesis of ideas. At least mine is. And when we have evidence that a) Patricia has helped to provide specific things to make the set look a certain way but also b) that books on the shelves are specific to Matty (he’s read infinite jest at least 3 times; the song “surrounded by heads and bodies” comes from a sentence in chapter 1 of infinite jest; he mentions David foster Wallace in 2020

In the video where he cries about not being able to perform cuz of Covid, I could keep fucking going but you get my point). Then the logical thing to conclude, as a teacher, is that both positions are valid? This is, after all, the 1975. So, while yes they’d build a set around a certain aesthetic, they’d also never not personalize it because the core of their work is about personal involvement???

I don’t know why any of that would threaten you and make you feel like he bitten your head off but that sounds like your problem not mine. Idk what you think you’re doing here but I don’t appreciate it.

Sorry I bit your head off or whatever.

Alright that’s it I’m done here.

I think I had the right idea the other day when I said that I will only use this blog to post fics from now on. Let me return to that.

Hope this helps. Peace.

[minnieposting]

another late night thought dump post (12:44 am starting point)

my fear of intimacy/affection has been on my mind lately. and also my jealousy of people with close friend groups that all mutually love and care about each other so much, since i had one in hs/early college and it just blew up in my face. was only one of the factors of 2020-2021 being the worst yrs of my life loll (feeling weird just writing abt it) but anyway. idk. stream of consciousness, moving on

i crave affection and i crave it so deeply yet it scares me so much. apparently the fear of it can stem from negative experiences which checks out with me, but i personally cant pinpoint what exactly my problem is. the closest i can get is that im convinced we'll just stop talking so getting attached is useless. and ill just always hold myself at a distance no matter how much i want to be close to you. honestly, one of my closest relationships irl is only one of my closest bc of how hard she pushed to be my friend. if she didn't do that i would've just gotten distant, probably. and i really want to stop doing that, i want to stop being so scared but i dont know how!!!

my pattern recognition is sensing a pattern! with people leaving. clearly i'm the problem, not even sarcasm everyone says that if you're the common denominator. idk whats wrong with me. w the people im thinking of rn, i know it wasnt a good fit, im just sad i lost smth, but it wasnt sustainable based on where it was going. but idkkk. i trusted u guys sm and i loved u guys sm and then i just get dropped out of nowhere. sucks. this was the most recent thing in my life and just !!!!!! IDK where im going with this idk what my point is. moving on bc its upsetting me

i just feel very lonely, even tho its like i induce my own loneliness. i live in my head and dont like to let others in. im trying tho... its just scary. i dont want to deal with this all over again. dont want to love someone only for it to blow up in my face

[alihightowers]

20 Questions for Fic Writers! 

tagged by @stars-of-kyber thanks bb 💕

1- How many works do you have on AO3? 

11 

2- What's your total AO3 word count? 

103,319  

3- What fandoms do you write for? 

I’ve written a few things for the haunting of bly manor (damie), bridgerton (kanthony), and I'm slowly working on getting into hotd (rhaenicent). 

4- What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

letters to my beloved, light a flame and let it burn, a love found in secret, as the dawn breaks, love me tender. 

5- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? 

always. It blows my mind all the time that people actually take time out of their day to read some silly story I wrote and liked it enough to leave feedback. I'm just forever grateful and want them to know that. 

6- What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? 

None of them have angsty endings. I do have an idea for one that will just be angst, but that’s barely hit the drawing board. 

7- What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? 

Idk, they’re all happy lol. 

8- Do you get hate on fics? 

thankfully, no I haven’t, but I'm always afraid of it.  

9- Do you write smut? If so, what kind? 

yes, and I don’t know? cringe explicit? lmao. 

10- Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? 

no. 

11- Have you ever had a fic stolen? 

I doubt it. 

12- Have you ever had a fic translated? 

nope. 

13- Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

no. 

14- What's your all-time favorite ship? 

I don’t think I have one tbh, I have several ships that I love for different reasons. they're all on the same level. 

15- What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? 

I started a POTO kanthony au that’s in my drafts and it’ll stay there lol. also probably 'a love found in secret'. it's my least favorite.

16- What are your writing strengths? 

honestly, I'm not sure. I enjoy trying to write emotions and setting scenes but have no idea if I'm any good at it. 

17- What are your writing weaknesses? 

I'm very critical of myself, so I often spend too long going over something until I get it “right”, which then elongates my writing time and I end up taking forever to finish anything. and usually by that point I've convinced myself that I suck and give up lol. 

I hate dialogue. character mannerisms I usually feel okay with, but when it comes to their voice, I feel like I fall short most of the time. 

I also feel like I recycle details/descriptions from story to story which I hate. 

18- Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? 

i only speak english so I've never written in another language.  

19- First fandom you wrote for? 

the first fandom I wrote for for and posted on ao3 was carmilla lmao. 

20- Favorite fic you've written? 

probably 'light a flame and let it burn'. It was the first thing I wrote for kanthony, before I let myself get self-conscious lol. It was also the first thing I'd written in literal years and was/am proud of it. 

[hard-core-super-star]

good morning! I was so tired yesterday that I forgot most of what I wrote so it will be a surprise for me to read it all again 😶 ALSO, EXCUSE ME??? I wake up and see that you posted a fic, I was expecting something cute (it was cute) and I got punched in the middle of the face!! I love parker!reader because I wanted to be spider-man sooooo bad, but I'm halfway there because I'm miles morales coded, it's more than enough to make this girl here happy 🙏

not even with a second star...? Hjdkaajk I would like to know how I make this easy, would you tell me? 👀

to preserve myself I will neither confirm nor deny this. you have a point there, but by the way the carriage is going your star won't arrive anytime soon. I won't be waiting. oh that's good, because I don't like doing that either and it's not like I wasn't climbing the walls with that last fic you posted. since we're not talking about alpha!Kate, will there be more of this, like a part 2 or something like that? asking a friend-

c'mon, I'm trying but you're not helping at all! I could easily say aww and laugh at the same paragraph again because I definitely see an opening. why financial compensation?? I just laughed! OH- you're threatening me with the sad eyes emoji?? again!?!?!?

thanks. i am still learning. YOU- JDHKSAKAK It's always a phrase that matches the context, how is that possible 😭

yeah? why does portuguese scare you? 🤔 there's definitely a lot to add, but in a way you kind of left the idea complete??? she knows what that feeling is like and not wanting anyone else to go through the same thing and not wanting to drag people down with her is so- this makes me think that she hates being alone but thinks that maybe it's the best thing just so she doesn't bring someone into this mess that she is (I'm pretty sure I said exactly what you said). anyway she just needs a hug damn ☹️

– 🌟

good morning! i''ve been awake for a while but i have a feeling my responses will still be messy af 😶 at least i only have one class today and then i'm free to freak out over my assignments. i love being unpredictable like that :) but yeah, i tried to make it cute to counteract the sadness. i honestly feel that, i liked tobey's version of spiderman a lot but andrew's is...i honestly can't decide if i want to be him or with him [and i'm gay af lmao] miles morales coded, you say? interesting.

hmm, i might be convinced with a second star but idk. it kinda sounds like you'd be willing to bribe me 👀 i could tell you but then i'd have to delete my blog so, these thoughts will stay in my mind.

hmmm, i think that just proves my point further but sure. well, considering you were offering me another star to get me to admit you were right, i'm not too worried about my second star not arriving. good 'cause it's not like that's what i'm going to do later today. i'm so glad we're both on the same page about this 'cause it'd be awful if you kept doing it. i'm definitely not very excited that you're not asking about a part 2 to alpha!kate. and because you're not asking and i'm not excited i won't tell you that i really, really, want to do a part 2 but idk what i want the plot to be. i could just suck it up and do like...multiple fics in one, like a look-through of the relationship starting from when alpha!kate rescues R. but idk. i certainly wouldn't like to hear your thoughts on this.

how is it my fault that you're laughing at me??? you could just say aw and move on, you don't have to laugh 😑 you don't think that requires financial compensation? i'm out here being vulnerable and you're laughing. i'm one sentence away from spamming the sad eyes emoji.

like i said, you're doing great, i might have to pull out my handy emily dickinson poetry book and really test you. i honestly don't know how i do it either, i just associate a lot of words with things so when i see an opening i drop a reference.

i don't know, it just feels like a lot to tackle which is, again, ironic since you could argue all the other languages i've chosen are difficult af to learn. i think it just scrambles my brain when i hear it spoken out loud 'cause i can catch some words while others sound very different. my ideas are anything but complete lmao. that's exactly what i mean. although i do wonder how much of it is just me projecting lmao. it's just striking that someone so talkative and excitable has like...zero friends. that we see anyway. and considering how loyal she is, you'd imagine there'd be at least one reference to her friends. which definitely adds to why she instantly attaches herself to clint. like yes, she's trying to prove herself but also, she doesn't really have anyone else. i definitely agree that being alone is sort of a defense mechanism for her and that's probably why i love her sort-of friendship with yelena. they compliment each other in a way they both so desperately need, even if they won't admit it. hard agree with that last point, see all my headcanons about kate being touchstarved af.

[magesforthedas]

Continue reading if you want to be SAD 😢

Okay, more updates + a couple photos! Honestly I got a few screen caps of the tragedies I just experienced, but idk if y'all really want to see those. I can post them if you want, just let me know, but also be warned!! I also can't post any more videos on this thread :P

Okay, notes!

Where you can go in and see the fallen, there's something placed over the sheet for big characters; ie Emmerich's staff, Taash's axes, Viper's hat, Strife's sword.

Talking with your remaining companions is terrible bc they'll mention (at least some of them) their grief at losing their friends :(

I tried leaving Lucanis to help the other forces at the begining of The Dread Wolf Rises, since he's a HotV, but he still dies. Possibly because it's the Dragon King that the companion faces, so either if that companion quest was completed, OR if any ally strength was higher, even if both things weren't true, he might have survived. Oh well, looks like everyone dies.

(I went back and left Harding bc if he's not going to survive anyways I wanted my boyfriend with me 🥺)

Said scene is HORRIBLE 😭 as in, super traumatic. There's the ogre, or the Dragon King if he's still alive, and your companion goes to protect Morrigan but gets knock down, and then it shows your companions face as their enemy delivers the final blow. Like, my hands flew up to my mouth in shock.

I could post some screenshots of these moments if people want, instead of suffering the actual video, but like.... Maybe you don't want to see.

I think the scene of (Bellara in my game) controlling the blight is the same? I couldn't remember the details from the last time, and then the blight covers her over. Difference is, at the end we don't see her breaking out of the blight again, so it just consumes her.

There was no decision to make once I got to Solas. It just auto played into attacking.... Your two remaining companions get turned to stone and Solas stabs Rook in the gut, though not before you manage to get him too. Then both of you get pulled into the tear while you are struggling over the knife. It shows the statues of your companions, left on the platform.

Morrigan says something ominous about the victory costing too much (I don't remember the exact words, which to be fair I'm already trying to block this whole thing out) over a black screen.

Then NO EPILOGUE ART CUTSCENE. It just shows this-

And then THIS

They're like.... Yeah, you f*d that pretty good, try again.

IM SO SAD 😭😭😭 it's kind of late but like.... I must start my next playthrough because I have to convince myself this was all a terrible dream 🥺 I had the thought that it'd be interesting to see what other companions say in between the last two missions, in the safe house; whichever three are still alive at that point.... Or if it's possible to have whatever last hero you leave survive, but you don't, and if that might give you any ending cutscene (I kinda doubt it, I think it depends on whether Rook makes it). But I CANNOT do that again, so those will remain unanswered 🙂‍↔️

Anyways I hope this benefits anyone else, and maybe keeps you from feeling the need to put yourself through this! ❤️

Mom I'm scared. Why oh why did I have to be curious about the bad ending 😭

NO IM NOT SURE.

NO IM NOT CONFIDENT. BUT WE'RE DOING THIS ANYWAYS.

I'm going to be so sad for the next few hours.

Update below the cut so y'all can see it (Beware)

Ooookay

I haven't finished bc I have to go to work, but I made it to the end of The Last Gambit... I'm in tears 😭 some things if you want to know but don't want to actually play it (why have I done this):

Whoever you send with the Veil Jumpers to take down the wards lives, but Strife dies.

Whoever you send to help the Crows & Lords dies. (Taash for me)

Whoever you send to help the Wardens and Mourn Watch dies. (Emmerich for me)

If the Shadow Dragons aren't strong enough, The Viper dies.

Haven't seen any sign of Anaris, and no Dragon King (though there was a letter right before Tearstone Island warning about him). No Red Lyrium Harding either, and Davrin is dead already in mine, but no blighted griffons or Gloom Howler. I finished Lucanis' quest bc I didn't romance him on a Crow the first time, and my next Crow will probably be romancing someone else, so wanted to see the Crow/Lucanis things during his quest line. But I wonder if Zara was still alive, if she might also make an appearance.

So far none of the other allies died: Irelin, Teia, Viago, Myrna, Vorgoth, Tarquin, Antoine, Evka, and Isabela are all still alive. So small mercies.

Irelin talks about Strife in the safe house, as does Isabela about Taash, and Tarquin about The Viper.

Some really terrible things thought of:

If Emmerich and Strife were in a relationship, and only one died? Even worse possibly, what if Emmerich was the one sent to help? But would Emmerich mention Strife, or Strife mention Emmerich if only one survived? Strife asks you to keep Emmerich safe in the good version.. Probably?

Also, if Manfred is still around and Emmerich dies... Worse if you didn't even do Emmerich's quest (like me) so he doesn't have magic or can talk or anything... What's going to happen to Manfred??? Did he even survive the battle, because he was in a cutscene but I haven't seen him at the safe house????

Didn't do enough content to have Harding and Taash in a relationship, so can't find out. But if they're in a relationship and Harding survives Tearstone Island, what happens if one of them dies here?

What if Lucanis & Neve are in a relationship and one of them dies here? Like, if Bellara got captured and Lucanis dies fighting Aelia? I'm making myself sad just thinking about how Neve would feel.

anyways I'm sad and have to go to work, and then finish my no good, terrible, awful playthrough when I get home. Wish me luck and sanity 😭

(and then I must immediately start my fourth playthrough bc no, they must have as much of a happy ending as possible)

[moghedien]

So I just realized that Greta is wearing the same red outfit in the “if coach says it’s okay, then it’s okay!” scene, as she is in the goodbye kiss scene. And quite possibly in the scene where Charlie is giving Carson a pep talk and she is glancing at them sadly. How are we feeling about this?

I have autism and am kind of tempted to make a spreadsheet or something similar of what outfits they were wearing for what scenes, and try to see if there is any meaning from it. (Aside from the obvious peaches outfit, their original practice/night/day practice outfits, and the ones that people have made posts about already like Greta’s date outfit and Carson’s favourite dress etc.)

Imma be honest, I don't really think much into the clothes symbolism

I'm not saying there isn't symbolism there, and I know that someone else has done a break down of it before (apologies I don't know who it was but feel free to link their post if anyone knows), its just not really where my brain goes, I guess.

honestly the most I think about clothes is like, I'm glad they have all of them repeat outfits fairly often because it shows that they all really are just living from what they brought with them. and also I like the detail of Carson saying that one dress is her favorite and then she wears it to the gay bar. and then she's still wearing it for most of episode 7 to the point where she leaves with Charlie still wearing what she wore to the gay bar because she and Greta never slept after it got raided and thus never changed. but I just like that detail because its painful.

Anyway, that red outfit. like I said, I don't really like think on the symbolism of their clothes much on my own (and I haven't read what others have said about it so I have no idea if I'm repeating takes here).

But.

Idk, you could draw some connection with Charlie, I guess. Because even though Charlie was in no way involved in the first instance of that outfit in episode 4, he kind of was? That scene is immediately followed by the scene where Carson tries to have sex with Greta for the first time and is overwhelmed so Greta stops it, and the first thing Greta asks when she stops them is if Carson is thinking of Charlie. Then later when they're having their snacks, Greta makes a point to acknowledge to Carson that she will go back with Charlie once the season is done and that she and Greta are just having an "adventure" (someone ask me about the use of that word because I have lots of thoughts on that lol).

Then yeah, Greta wears the red jacket twice in episode 8, like you mentioned. First is when Charlie is trying to give Carson the pep talk and you can just kinda see Greta watching them in the background and not looking happy about it. She isn't wearing it once they're inside, but once they're inside, Greta sort of has that conversation with Carson about how she needs to not be so focused on Charlie. Like in this instance she 100% means when it comes to baseball and how she's treating the team but like....you know. We know what else this could apply to, even if Greta definitely didn't mean it like that.

Then when they kiss before leaving, Greta asks if Carson if she's going back with Charlie and Carson says no (to which Greta looks genuinely so happy, you don't immediately see it because the camera is on Carson but its clear). Then like, we also know Charlie saw them kissing. So its like....idk what this all means but its something.

Also you can see those three scenes like 1) Carson making an active effort to be with Greta despite being with Charlie, 2) Carson seeming to make an effort to be with Charlie and not with Greta, and 3) Carson deciding not to be with Charlie but not ready to be with Greta completely

idk this all probably means nothing but I will dig until I've convinced myself there is gold, so I'll just stop here lol

[acourtofantumbra]

Pulling at the Thread of the Day Court and the Dawn Court Pt.1 - Alchemy & Other Realms

☆ All SJM spoilers: ACOTAR, CC, and TOG ☆

I might be putting this insanity out into the tumblr wilds, but trust that I do not think anyone would ever care to read something this long. Idk if my college thesis was this long. This is a literal invitation into how my neurodivergent brain works. Expect real a to b to q to wow we've just fully veered off the road... where are we even going? energy. If you get tired along the way — yeah, trust me that's normal.

So, I'm doing my first re-read of ACOTAR!! Tbh during the first go around I struggled with the OG trio (I DNFed ACOFAS multiple times lol) and it's been well over a year since I've read them. But recently, I binged every other SJM book/series. So during my messy reread I've been picking up on a lot. And enjoying it more! But there were two fleeting moments from ACOMAF & ACOWAR that caught my eye and led me down what will become (maybe) the longest fucking theory spiral. Like multi part...

Honestly? It's been so fun. My job is very soul sucking.

In short — nothing about this will be short lol — the thread I followed brought me to Helion, his Day Court, and weird connections to both the Thesan/the Dawn Court and one of ACOTAR’s many unexplored Faerie Realms. And some realms not in ACOTAR. I also take a look at both Helion and Thesan’s powers (as well as some others) that have me questioning... some unexplored "magic" from multiple worlds. Happy to call all of it crack theory, but I will be citing as much canon as tumblr's image limit allows. This is gonna be a long and winding road!

I always add books and page numbers (and try to add any other relevant citations) to the visuals/sources I use, so check those out if you need some extra info!

Color Key: spoilers, notes from me 2 u, important, important + links, mentioned later in the post, mentioned in another post of mine or in a future post

Day Court Powers and Dawn Court Powers

Alright, so the moment that caused me to spiral was a snipe from Lucien in Chapter 11 of ACOWAR. Feyre’s plan to GTFO of the Spring Court is fully in motion, but she's freaking out about Hybern weaponizing faebane. Breezing past that, Lucien confronts her about being a big ol’ liar whilst reminding her that he has other friends, ok? 

So, two things: I was trying to remember who Lucien’s friend was and thought, Oh right, the ‘Master Tinkerer.’ The friend that made Lucien’s golden eye, which is itself magical.

But then I got caught up in a different question... Like hold up, what healing powers did Feyre use in this moment he’s talking about?

Because that's the main power of the Dawn Court that's canon thus far. Especially because Lucien is pointing out that his friend’s light and Feyre’s light comes from “the same power,” which he seems to know intimately, and their “light is identical.” At first, I was just confused because who is this non-High Lord person with High Lord power? And are we all cool with that or...?

So I flip back to ACOMAF to remind myself wtf we’re talking about here… which of Thesan’s — or the Dawn Court’s — powers did Feyre use in the Hybern/Cauldron event at the end of the book? A display noticeable enough that Lucien clocked Feyre's light looking familiar — perhaps because his mechanical/magical eye might have related functions. 

As it turns out we're not talking about Thesan’s powers at all… we’re talking about Helion’s powers. Which might be why Lucien is intimately familiar with how the power works — for wholly different reasons... like having inherited Helion’s powers himself.

So Feyre breaks through Hybern's wards so she can get her sisters and IC out and reestablishes her bond speaking with Rhys, but notably she still can't feel the bond with Hybern's spell crushing down on it. But she pretends she's broken the "curse" Rhys has put on her to make her like him more than Tamlin...

Tamlin... my dude... no...

And while Feyre gave an Oscar worthy performance convincing everyone that her very nice Night Husband was evil the whole time, Lucien is suspicious as hell... and so is his eye.

Lucien knew Feyre was full of shit and with “centuries of cultivated reason” he might know about some other lies *cough* who his real dad is *cough*. But his mating bond with Elain has freshly snapped into place… so his priorities shifted, one could say, and doesn’t call Feyre out.

Ok, so where are we now? 

Feyre used Helion’s Day Court power - his light and his cursebreaking/spellbreaking to take down Hybern’s wards so the Night Court could get her recently Made sisters out of dodge. Lucien clocks this because he has a friend in the Dawn Court with the same abilities and the same light and also maybe because he personally knew Papa Helion’s powers were being used.

Here's a post from whitewolf-ofdoranelle: detailing some evidence about Lucien maybe knowing the truth about Helion and his powers.  

About Light in the SJM Multiverse:

It's becoming more important by the second!

We have many different shades that seemingly allude to overarching people/powers/plots. Most of the time when we encounter characters using or emitting light, they/we don’t exactly know where it comes from or how it works. Which is why so much of the understanding re: our shining characters is still just speculation at this point.

But we know it's for sure important with the introduction of the Starborn Line in Crescent City and the lore that connects Midgard and Prythian (tho the stories are not identical... someone is lyinggg). We’re building that knowledge more extensively as the multiverse comes into play.

For example, when Feyre glows after the mate-a-thon with Rhysand in the mountain cabin she wonders what court's light is turning her into a 100 watt bulb...

It very well might be a different light! Helion's light has been described as healing! Of all the glowy boys — Thesan is actually the glowiest and the brightest! Are they different? Are they the same? I really don't know!!! And I'm sorry if I've made you more confused now too. Tho I do delve into Thesan more towards the end.

A thought I've had re: Helion's kind of light (I'll get more into in another post) has everything to do with Pelias... and Helion's sensitivity to the Dread Trove.

In ACOSF, Helion has to have the IC cover the mask and physically remove himself from the area... no one else has this sensitivity (at least to this extreme) and all Helion has to say for himself is this:

It's worth noting that in Midgard they don't seem to have the same distinctions regarding light powers. Like... everyone who glows (minus Hunt) is Starborn?

In Prythian we have Dawn Court light, Day Court light, Night Court shadows and perhaps this (to borrow the Midgard term) Starborn light. Pelias, the controversial figure in the lore connecting P + M in the King Fionn and Theia story, is said to be a Starborn prince. But at every turn the Princes of Hel are quick to point out that Pelias' power and his light are nothing like Theia's — who is, by their claim, the true Starborn power holder — and her daughters'. They also say Theia's daughters have starborn and shadow gifts, but that isn't necessarily part of Pelias' skill set either... I'm lookin' at you Aidas.

Anyway, I've toyed with the idea that perhaps Pelias' light powers, because Midgard lacks the distinction between light powers, could be Day Court-like. And it would make sense that the Dread Trove would ward against anyone in that lineage considering "Pelias wielded [Luna's] Horn until he died" (HOEB). JUST SOME THOUGHTS.

Check out this absolutely incredible (a comprehensive) theory post from @wingedblooms about the different kinds of light in the SJM Multiverse

But back to Lucien’s friend who has Day Court powers… who is she? 

It’s Nuan! A character I was like, "She seems cool, can’t wait to get to know her.”

And then ACOWAR ended and we never heard from her again... womp. But, some might call this a loose end.

It's me. I'm calling it that.

Considering she played a big role in Lucien’s life (a former main-ish character with nothing but loose ends), provided critical help to win the war against Hybern, has a suspicious amount of power, technical skills, and connection to distant faerie realms we still know frustratingly little about… Nuan has nothing but potential! Welp, let’s get into it. 

So remember how Feyre is like “What if everything I eat has faebane in it, wow that’s suddenly a huge problem for us right now on the verge of war?” And then Lucien is like, “You have my friend’s powers, you liar?” Coincidental? Cool.

When Nuan is finally introduced by name, she's shown up at the tensest High Lord meeting ever at the Dawn Court. Why? She wants to let everyone know she invented a cure for that pesky Faebane. Helpful!

There is a metric ton stuffed into her introduction and it's hard to even know where to begin, but I'll try.

Just know the “she looks kind of like Amren thing” is incredibly specific and out of nowhere.

Whenever SJM throws in an “oh, I just kinda thought that… strange” and “oh hm maybe i saw that person glowing like a 60 watt bulb but maybe not” etc etc etc… statements, they are always important. There are more of those moments to come and every series by her is full of these.

Anyway, ACOTAR has had 5 books (4 novels, one novella) and this comparison to Nuan is among one of the more specific pieces of the “who and what is Amren” puzzle we get. We’ll get to it, but we’ve got a mountain the size of Ramiel  to dig through first. 

Back to the Dawn Court scene: Being his usual discriminatory self, Beron aka the High Lord of Autumn is suspicious of Nuan’s miracle cure for faebane for because he's an asshole and a xenaphobe — we’ll come back to this. But she counters with her own commitment to protecting the fae from being poisoned and powerless. Go Nuan! It also seems like she's a very dedicated scientist, but that behind this science there is also magic. Makes sense when you consider the whole magical appendages gig she has!

Nuan monologues about the Mother aka higher power/god/[insert mystical lore here] situation who is suspect #1 in the whole “what are the gods?” conversation. The gods, etc. are known lore — which exists in different forms ACOTAR, TOG, and CC — and they're complicated enough to warrant their own massive post.

Anyway, Nuan explains that the Mother provides “everything we need on this earth.” Nuan simply needed to find what the Mother has provided Prythian to stop Hybern from “wiping out” their powers. Considering she applied this logic and it worked… seems legit... and important?

So yes, the way she phrased her scientific method struck me... and left me with so many more questions than I started with. Like what did you use and how did you do it and where did you find it??? What do you mean this earth?! I could keep going!!!!

However, her antidote can’t protect fae entirely because physical objects made from faebane will still have dangerous effects. Sounds like her compound is able to… dare I say… break the curse or spell of faebane? But if  the physical object that makes fae vulnerable comes barreling at them… well that’s a whole different story. Kind of like how from the first scene I mentioned: Feyre could break the wards and the spell silencing her mating bond with Rhys, but she still couldn’t feel any of the physical effects of the bond with Hybern’s spell shutting her down.

Nuan, it seems, not only has Day Court-like powers as a person whose family isn’t from Prythian, or the Solar Courts, she can transform magic/power into physical objects - magical mechanical body parts and medicines, for ex. Kind of like less spooky Nesta sword versions of Made objects?

But this is apt considering she’s not just a tinkerer (a word that will always make me lol), but Thesan introduces her as an alchemist.  

Let's talk about alchemy, baby

So let’s take an unplanned detour off the cliff of what tf is alchemy? VERY COMPLICATED is what it is! You may wonder where the heck are I'm going with this... patience my friend. Possibly somewhere... maybe nowhere... idk. Look, I said this would be long.

I promise we'll delve into actual historical contexts, but I'm gonna be real with you... I'm not a scholar, or a philosopher, or an archaeologist, or a theologian, or a chemist, or an anthropologist. I took courses on these subjects, but I just enjoy learning about this stuff/consuming content about it. Alchemy is very mysterious, very "lost to time," so it's hard to get it right. And just to keep it 100... my deepest and longest exposure to alchemy comes from a beloved manga and anime series. If you're like... "yup, absolutely not." Skip the rest of this post if you'd like... or skip ahead. To both fandoms... I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do. lol.

Alright, raise your hand if you too love the manga and anime series Full Metal Alchemist… If you’re not raising your hand, I highly recommend giving it a whirl. And maybe don't ruin it by reading any of this. If you think Kingdom of Ash has insane world building culminations and… pain... yeah FMA has that and emotional pain I’ve never healed from. *sobs* 10/10 

Much like SJM and her use of universal mystical concepts and traditions, FMA also references much of the real history of alchemy and, by association, incredibly complex mystic religious principles. And what would ya know? Turns out FMA is a super helpful tool to explain/understand this very difficult subject.

So let’s take a quick look at the main character in FMA…

That’s Edward. He’s a rascal. He’s also an incredible alchemist who’s able to transmute — woefully basic explanation: turn objects from their original form into something else through the law of equal exchange — without a transmutation circle. That's a rarity among even the greatest alchemists. Because he can do this, at age 12, he becomes the youngest State Alchemist (he works for the government begrudgingly). Though, in the image above, that's Ed with a transmutation circle and hm... is that a star shaped rune? I digress.

You might ask... where is there an instance of a "law of equal exchange" in SJM's worlds? It might not be a perfect parallel, but... there's definitely something going on with give and take regarding magic. And that has major implications re: how much magic each world has (and how much the Asteri need to consume/wreck worlds for). I'm a broken record but... that perhaps will be its own post one day.

When Nuan talks about the Mother providing what that world needs... I feel like we're touching on something here. And as an alchemist, her work would be centered around this law of balance. Of course, we get absolutely no details from SJM.

But let's look at something we've encountered a bit more, like the Great Rite. Note: not my favorite magic tradition in these worlds... But it keeps coming up, especially where characters with mysterious pasts are concerned.

I've also made a post tying it in with Hunt from Crescent City and... idk... once I saw it, I can't unsee it.

First off, Lucien shakes off shadow hands multiple times talking about the Great Rite... please take note of that for a point below.

But we get reference of a tradition that must occur every year for their magic's cosmic "give-and-take." Sounds equal exchange-like.

High Lord becomes the Hunter (Hunt... is that you?) who needs to find the Maiden (Bryce is this what you guys are doing?) selected by the magic. Then they "couple" *sigh* and generate magic that's released back to the earth and all is well and magical for the coming year. Sure.

The Maiden has come up countless time in the references to the triunity or triple goddesses throughout ACOTAR, CC, and TOG (Also long and complicated - I am 100% doing a post on this). Short version: the triple goddess = mother, maiden, and the crone. Three-faced goddess. All the moon goddesses implicated. Witches and their goddesses... Persephone-like characters... etc. etc. etc. I'll get into it another time... this is my super bowl. But the Maiden has everything to do with the Mother and vice-versa, just as Nuan pointed out in her assessment of balance and magic within this world.

Outside of the Great Rite's Hunter and the Maiden ritual, Lucien says the rest of court takes a part in the night, "though it’s not the Great Rite, our own dalliances tonight will help the land, too" (ACOTAR, Chapter 21). Energy spent becomes energy reaped... even if they don't get the ritualistic title. Is this reminding you of science class and the first law of thermal dynamics: energy can't be created or destroyed it can only be transformed? It should.

It's notable that every Court has a Great Rite they must comply with to power the magic of the land, though we're only familiar with the Spring Court's Calanmai tradition. But in ACOSF, Gwyn mentions multiple times that when females "come of age" they can, and seem to be expected to, participate in the Rite. And we all know rituals with titles and milestones have never gone wrong for anyone... *stares in Crescent City* (The Drop). But also, we're seeing instances in both CC and ACOTAR where magic is waning... like the balance is off. Rhys tells Feyre that Starfall souls are less plentiful and well... we know the Asteri are over indulging in first light. Essentially, exchanges are not equal and there are traditions in place to keep them that way! What's changing? What does this mean?

The TikToker ahappyhermit posted her first podcast episode about Starfall and the dwindling souls and it's awesome. She's also got a lovely reading voice!

Back to FMA, transmutation boiled down also feels suspiciously similar to Aelin and co. drawing their wyrdmarks... something many SJM theories speculate will make a big return come CC3/ACOTAR5.

Alchemists even wear objects (clothes? yup! prosthesis? yup! fake eyes... eye patches? yup!) or have tattoos (Aelin and Bryce's world walking tats? TOG witches w/ the Eye of the Goddess tats?) with transmutation runes to help them attempt to do what Ed can do — transmute without crouching down and drawing out a rune.

In an attempt to try and spare you the full rundown of the science and magic of both alchemy and the world of FMA... there's gonna be metric tons of nuance I'm leaving out. The FMA fandom are effectively scholars at this point and I just want you ALL to know I know I'm watering some of this down.

Why can Ed transmute without a circle? It's really complicated, and important, but I'll do my best to summarize. First, it helps that, like Nuan, he has a metal arm - in FMA it's called automail, it's as complex as we've come to know Nuan's work is (albeit a little less magical), and basically he can do science faster/easier with it (I'm so sorry this would simply take too long to explain). And because *giant and complete FMA spoiler alerts across the board - like seriously I'm going to discuss all of the big reveals* he does some majorly taboo alchemy — resurrection of human life — that takes his leg and arm (and his brother's entire body, but not his soul leaving him as animated armor). Performing the taboo human transmutation opens a portal to the Gate of Truth. It opens, revealing a dimension of information which manifests as a shadowy void with several shadow-like hands coming out of it and a single large eye within. And this isn't just pure FMA canon, it draws inspiration from the lore of the Tree of Life.

Shadowy hands and something with a big eye watching you in a knowledge void? Hm... Let us turn to Nesta spiraling out and falling down the House of Wind steps and into her Making memories from the Cauldron. This does not include the MANY times characters, from multiple worlds, mention feeling shadowy hands (*wink* Dorian), but we saw examples with Lucien above.

The Cauldron kind of sounds like a big eye in a shadowy void that is perhaps a different dimension stacked with information, huh?

And what happens after Nesta's spiral? She comes to and realizes she's sparked and embedded her hand, and then handprint, in stone... which is also glowing.

Did anyone else find this moment/detail weird when they were reading? Cassian found it super weird!

Back to Edward, at the Gate of Truth, he meets a god, Truth. It's a whole thing. Insanely long story short, by reaching the Gate, Edward sees into the void that holds the truth of the universe. This allows him to bypasses the need to draw runes and instead channels the energy of alchemy/all the nature bending stuff he does by his own will.

Effectively, Ed seeing beyond the Gate allows him to break the rules of nature and freely wield a "different magic".

Interesting, because what Nesta has taken from the Cauldron seems to allow her to bypass the natural order of things too. No markings or weapons needed.

Throughout the series some (Illyrians) call Nesta a witch and refer to her different, powerful magic as unnatural. In fact, even the other magical beings of Prythian do not get her magic.

Hypothetically, and just pretend with me, Nesta could (she gave it back) do a kind of alchemy without the limits of nature/the laws of Prythian because she she took too much from the Cauldron/void of truth... it stands to reason that, much like using the wyrdmarks in TOG, that alchemists like Nuan are tapping into something totally different magic-wise. Like most High Fae have some magical capabilities, but the High Lords are usually the ones with the more robust skillset. Alchemy might be this secret link to why characters — multiple groups of high skilled/non royal fae/even humans in TOG — can display huge power... as well as create objects with incredible abilities like arms and eyes... and... Prythian iPods?

Helion might not have tinkerers like Thesan, but he does have piles of libraries and scholars... oh ya you can be I will be doing a post just on libraries.

Anyway so we've got some suspicious powers around, suspicious magic objects created for other purposes originally, and magical objects like body parts and medicinal powders. We've got multiple instances across worlds that implicate magic and cosmic balance... specifically that balance being off now.

Especially with magic being targeted (First and Second Light in HSOAB) as a deity food source - I think correcting the broken state of magic with alchemy could very well become... something. And I explain below an instance we already have seen where non-magical magic does just this in the SJM multiverse.

But in the next part of this theory spiral this connects (perhaps!) to Nesta and the Cauldron/Gate of Truth concept I outlined. Specifically, alchemists who see it and come back have taken too much from it. It comes at a great personal cost, but they have superior nature-bending abilities. The "great personal cost" thing is a TOG quote... just btw. Spoiler alert: witch mirrors

Ok, I promise just a few more comps using FMA and we'll move this train right along...

Finally, in FMA and alchemy seven is also big number and I get into some other instances in the real history below. There are seven Homunculi, beings with tremendous power who have their own agenda with a much bigger scope than what's happening on this sole planet/realm. And actually, there's a secret eighth Homunculus that's been hiding in plain sight for the whole show (like a secret 8th court?)... and ends up being the creator of the other homunculi... as well as being Ed & Al's dad (like said secret court being an origin point for all our favorite fae?). What is a homunculus? It refers to the medieval legendary concept of a being Made and brought into existence by certain means of alchemy and it requires the Philosopher's Stone (too complicated to even get into, but it comes up again in my Pt. II post). Also fun fact: in FMA, Homunculi all carry the mark of the Ouroboros... like that (witch) mirror in ACOTAR that people have been mighty suspicious of.

The Homunculi are aptly named after the seven deadly sins - pride, envy, lust, wrath, greed, sloth, and gluttony. Makes you think... Asteri are pretty gluttonous... Valg? Princes of the Pit? Angels? Scions? Some High Lords? Nesta? IDK?! Anyway, the Homunculi begin as villains and some change their allegiance along the way. But not all not all of them are inherently evil. Despite looking like the human characters/beings in FMA, "Homunculi are still aberrations of nature created by violating the laws of the natural universe, and as such, have no souls." It's complicated, but they're incapable of accessing the Gate of Truth or regular alchemic (read: magic) powers, because they lack souls. Some weird Valgy/TOG god/Asteri/can't get through a damn portal parallels, no?

Ok, that was still SO long, and I'm just gonna leave these many kernels of thought I have failed to really wrap up here... whilst staring into my own void... and catalog of all the characters and beings we've run into described as something else or Made or bred. I will spare you from the whole chimera conversation... FOR NOW... but I'm looking at all of the spooky murder pets our heroes have fought off... and truly every Asteri "experiment" being. Just know that.

Has Sarah watched this show? Dude, I don't know. But I do know that we both entered the world of fantasy via Sailor Moon. According to this post she even wrote wildly popular Sailor Moon fanfiction. So she has watched and loved at least one anime. FMA is wildly popular, has a rich fantasy plot that's a masterclass in world building with brilliantly researched foundations in global mystical traditions, and it's penned by a woman! So, no, I'm not 100% convinced she hasn't.

So, is alchemy real? Kind of...

OK, I swear I'll focus now. So alchemy! There was a time when people believed it was real (from the ancient past to Isaac Newton who wrote a lot about alchemy and very real science). The way I have come to understand it, alchemy exists within the crossroads of science and mythology. It's even been considered a kind of witchcraft or spellwork. However, alchemy did either lead to, or exist along side, many important scientific laws and discoveries we still hold as truths/are taught today.

So... witchcraft, eh? We've had allusions to witches in ACOTAR, but we seem to be lacking the noted presence of such beings like we've seen in CC and TOG (though we still don't fully understand their powers across the board)... unless they're hiding in plain sight dressed as something else?

Interesting... no? I am far from the first to suggest the Made Archerons are witches (and Pt. II will have more witch talk and citations to great theory posts I didn't write). But hey, they could be alchemists too...

We know from Nesta's perspective in ACOSF that she absolutely took more than she should have from the Cauldron and she is using/making tools (read: swords) right and left. Plus, Mor's description sounds suspiciously like alchemy that's... gone rogue or without equal exchange. Also, more simply, everyone calls Nesta a witch (specifically the Illyrians) and she's cool with it. But that's could be because she revels in being scary and we love her for it.

Alchemy as word reveals much about it. Like most terms that have an "al" to start (algebra, algorithm, alfalfa, alcohol, almanac...) is an Arabic syllable for “the,” and we see it show up in the language of math and science.

"Alchemy was rooted in a complex spiritual worldview in which everything around us contains a sort of universal spirit, and metals were believed not only to be alive but also to grow inside the Earth... Historian Nevill Drury, in his book "Magic and Witchcraft," notes that, "The word alchemy is thought to derive from an Egyptian word, 'chem' or 'qem,' meaning black — a reference to the black alluvial soils bordering the Nile ... We know that the Greek word 'chyma,' meaning to fuse or cast metals, established itself in Arabic as 'al kimia' — from which alchemy is derived." Live Science

"Alchemists attempted to purify, mature, and perfect certain materials. Common aims were chrysopoeia, the transmutation of "base metals" (e.g., lead) into "noble metals" (particularly gold); the creation of an elixir of immortality... The perfection of the human body and soul was thought to result from the alchemical magnum opus ("Great Work"). The concept of creating the philosophers' stone was variously connected with all of these projects." Wikipedia

There's a lot going on there, but we're speeding right along. You can ask questions at the end of class. No, seriously ask them because I'm probably not gonna dig that deep here.

Alchemy has roots in many different ancient places and sprung up independently of one another.

"[There were] at least three major strands, which appear to be mostly independent, at least in their earlier stages: Chinese alchemy, centered in China; Indian alchemy, centered on the Indian subcontinent; and Western alchemy, which occurred around the Mediterranean and whose center has shifted over the millennia from Greco-Roman Egypt to the Islamic world, and finally medieval Europe." Wikipedia

As it turns out, Sarah and alchemy have a lot in common — they love mixing a matching the myth of many places into one magical tangle. There's a lot to unpack there and I wont get to all of it here... but I will try to eventually. One thing I will definitely touch on in another post is alchemy's connection to the God Hermes who keeps coming up in my research — he has many powers, but notably he's a world walker.

So from the quote above I'm gonna dive into connections with what we know about elemental fae magic, then we get back to Nuan and Alchemy's far reaching geographic history, and how that brings us to major questions marks around Helion and Thesan and their Courts.

Elemental Fae Magic vs Alchemy

So we don't know everything about elemental fae magic across worlds, but from the recent books and leading plots... we get a ton of focus on weapons (swords) being the biggest world connections (CC 3), Nesta forging narban blades, and Rhys explaining finally what this world is and what magic/fae used to be like.

Something new, eh? Something different?

As the LiveScience quote above points out, alchemy is magical, scientific, but it's also deeply connected to the Earth and laws of the universe. So elements play a big role and, you guessed it, we get the number 7 again (if you don't get why I keep referencing 7 I encourage you to take note every time the number 7 comes up in TOG, ACOTAR, CC because it's near constant):

"The elemental system used in medieval alchemy... consisted of seven elements, which included the five classical elements (aether, air, earth, fire, and water) in addition to two chemical elements representing the metals." Wikipedia

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of aether, here's an incredibly rushed explanation that's still somehow too long:

Aether has roots dating back to ancient Greece and means, "in Homeric Greek, 'pure, fresh air' or 'clear sky'. In Greek mythology, it was thought to be the pure essence that the gods breathed, filling the space where they lived, analogous to the air breathed by mortals. It is also personified as a deity, Aether, who is at times relates to Chronus, Erebus, Nyx, Chaos and Hemera (this is its own post) in traditional Greek mythology. Aether is related to αἴθω 'to incinerate', and intransitive 'to burn, to shine'."

Traditionally there are 4 elements - air, earth, fire, water. But in the Medieval Age (read: alchemy time), scientists concluded there was a 5th element. Aether was considered the material that fills the region of the universe beyond the terrestrial sphere. Unlike the four terrestrial elements that were subject to change and moved linearly, aether was a celestial element that moved circularly and had none of the qualities the terrestrial classical elements. Aether also is tied in quite often with light. And this is significant because light is notably how scientists (have — some theories since disproven — and currently do) measure distance and travel within space.

I find aether particularly interesting because, within the SJM multiverse, we have seen magic wielders display powers that would fall within the terrestrial elements (ex. Autumn Court's fire powers, Rowan's/Whitehorns' wind powers, House of Many Waters & Aelin's mom's water powers, etc.). But then we have these outliers whose powers work a little differently... perhaps more powerfully... specifically when we're talking about light and shadow. And with the allusions to burning, shining, and breath... we've got a lot of interesting Starborn connections. Also... travel within non-terrestrial spaces??? Come on now!

Back to Elemental Fae

In the ACOSF passage above, Rhys explains that Prythian Fae magic used to be more elemental — like the elements above. He also says their kind of magic could forge great weapons, just like Nesta who creates her narban blades... and a reminder that there are the 5 discussed elements and also 2 metals (we wont get into specifics here, but just... metals ok?) to create the 7 alchemic elements.

Tons here to analyze but take a look at TikToker chemicalrosie killing it on the analysis of elemental fae magic, weapons, and connections across the SJM worlds. She does most of the heavy lifting on this point (thanks Rosie).

In Crescent City we get more hints of elemental fae magic. In fact the Houses themselves seemingly represent these elements: House of Sky and Breath (aether? Also potentially air?), House of Earth and Blood (earth), House of Many Waters (water), House of Flame and Shadow (fire... also aether?). Under the House of Sky and Breath there are even beings called "Elementals," though we don't exactly know what an elemental is yet because their mentions are limited. Am I screaming "alchemists" into the void? Sure am. If they were elemental fae... wouldn't they just be called fae??? We do know they belong in the same House as angels, fae, and those blessed by major gods (which we know can give a magical or non magical being gifts of varying levels from TOG).

We also get mention of an Elemental War, which Lehaba mentions a distant relative sprite being involved in. Though that is sort of the extent of what we know about it (unless I'm wrong and feel free to tell me I'm wrong always).

We also get another depiction of elemental fae magic forging a weapon (refer back to that TikTok above if you want to delve into who this is and what it depicts in the multiverse).

So we're not gonna get too much deeper into elemental fae magic (tho let me know if you want further digging on this because my unhinged brain knows no bounds), but let me sketch my overarching point with this.

We have multiple points of reference within the SJM Multiverse where elemental magic and its noted difference to starborn/aether-like magic is being woven into this bigger world-spanning plot. Obviously, I referenced CC and ACOTAR here, but I could have dumped a ton of TOG references in here too (and will... later!).

We also have a multiverse with magic that seems... out of balance. We do not not know why all of these element-related mentions have been baked into the plot here and there. What was the Elemental War and why are magic abilities so different among Fae at the very least — and why are they different than they were before?

We also have metal/Made/superior substance swords linking our multiverse and being forged despite that not happening in a very long time. But now that Nesta has relinquished her stolen power back to the Cauldron... and we've got a world walker stuck in Prythian who may want to leave with one more sword than she landed with... seems like special weapon forging might be a useful skill. If only there was someone who could make magical metal objects without the powers of some spooky void or magical land decree...

Oh wait... we do have that person. And perhaps she also has a whole team of alchemists like her.

That's right folks... the last part... of this first part...

Back to Nuan and Other Faerie Realms

Oh my god this is so long. If you're still reading... I think we're officially betrothed? Idk. I love you.

Ok, so Nuan is described to us as so unique looking (look, I am not saying this is a great moment from SJM) she can only compare her to Amren... a [we have no idea but lots of speculation] being from another world.

Then we get a stark moment of xenophobia from Beron during the Dawn Court-High Lords meeting... because Nuan's parents are from a Fae realm called Xian. Xian is a faerie territory located somewhere in the Continent (I will speculate a ton below) that notably supported the loyalists during the war that resulted in the wall between the mortal lands and the fae realm. That means Xian was pro human slavery and that they ultimately lost. Nuan follows this up by reminding High Lord Asshat that she is as Prythian as his sons (let's go girl).

Beron's outburst also causes Thesan to jump to her defense because (that's his girl) his mom was from Xian... actually the majority of his court is from Xian?

ALRIGHTY THEN! Where to start?

So first off, just extrapolating from what we get in this exchange re: Xian... a place like most places SJM has not explained at all to us in that we know almost nada about it. If Xian supported the loyalists... and then they lost... and then a bunch of fae relocated to the Dawn Court in search of "a better life," we might (read: I do) assume that this was a territory south of the wall. Faeries, after the war, were not allowed to stay in the southern part of the continent.

Why do I find this interesting? Why have I spent 800 years getting to this point about an alchemist from Xian? Why do I even think alchemy is worth spending this much time thinking about when this is the only time we encounter it in ACOTAR?

Well, because it's not the only time we encounter it in the SJM multiverse.

So, in TOG, there are alchemists on the Southern continent who provide really important firelances to Aelin & co.'s fight against the Valg. A magical, very effective weapon that non-magical beings can use... and it's so impressive Aelin is relieved that her waning fire magic will be supported by such... firepower.

You know what else conveniently pops on the Southern continent in TOG? Healers and their Torre Cesme... Yrene Towers ilu. Isn't it just so coincidental that the Dawn Court's powers just so happen to be healing powers? And that in the TOG world there's an entire Fae healer community that relocated to the Southern Continent, bred healing powers into the mortal population, and then just... disappears? And also like are dead in crypts that are unbreakable for Valg related reasons, but I digress.

And something else that's fun is that Thesan and Nuan aren't even the only characters in that scene to get a cryptic allusion to a familiar sounding Southern continent that is notably... not one we've met via ACOTAR.

When Feyre describes Helion (it always comes back to him doesn't it?) in, yes, that meeting of the High Lords at the Dawn Court... I swear to all these freaking gods I didn't plan this! Anyway, she "all the sudden for some weird reason" starts thinking about a place her dad (feeling like I have to do a deep dive on Papa Archeron because the more I research not looking for him the more he pops up) visited as a merchant — south-eastern kingdom that sounds suspiciously Antica from Tower of Dawn. And we know when she thinks fondly of her father's merchant days she also always brings up spices... so there's that. (worth noting that this scene with Helion is BIG in my pt. 2 post)

So, obviously we get allusions to actual empires/places within these "different realms" in the SJM multiverse. Xi'an is the name of a real province in China (and has gifted the world so much food-wise and i'm sure countless other ways but I wont rest until I have cuminy lamby noodles asap) and the Khagnate/Southern Continent of the TOG world draws inspiration from the Mongol Empire (how I feel about SJM's... useage of these empires is it's own separate convo). It also includes a lot of the territories where alchemy sprung up independently and thrived that I mentioned before.

Sadly I'm out of images I can post (holy crap), so just... google it

Cool so we've got a lot of relevant territories covered here re: their SJM multiverse parallel.

Obviously Amren is the mystery that keeps giving and tons of people have their theories about her... and I guess SJM at one point said she's some kind of archangel... personally? IDK! Do I think it's strange, in my untangling of this curious maybe from another world territory population, that Amren... a being we know is from another world chose a Xian fae body? Yup! Especially because the southern continent, as we learn in Tower of Dawn from the Stygian Spyders (her handmaidens... which is what I thought Amren could have been, but that's not my theory battle I choose to fight) that there was a big ol' door/portal/whatever that Maeve walked herself and clique through. Hm...

Also, let us not forget when Nuan casually mentioned in her alchemic practice that the "Mother provides everything [they] need on this earth." What does she know that we doooon't?

And while I know I've wanted more, more of the other solar courts — I think perhaps they've been held back because they'll play an integral role in whatever happens next. I mean in addition to everything else Thesan's got a population of winged beings that sound suspiciously like Midgard's angels and Helion's got the only flying horsies (and libraries... I cannot stress how preoccupied I am with libraries in these worlds).

Re: Dawn Court... light-filled healers in TOG (specifically Yrene) play an essential role when it comes to the Valg (who we're not 100% are also the Asteri or Daglan, but let's say they're in the same fam). Yrene can "cure" the people the Valg infect and *the biggest of TOG spoilers* she kills the big bad Valg with her powers. But before she does that... Erawan (which will always just remind me of the fancy shmancy grocery store) wants to capture her and says her powers/what she can do goes far beyond what she understands... and... at the end of the day... us too... SARAH!!!

I will be doing a verrrry deep dive into TOG-world healers because every single page I read describing... like anything about them was making my SJM insanity senses tingle. We haven't spent a lot of time with Thesan and his powers, but we know Feyre's blood can heal others so... curious to see where that one leads.

But the other thing we've got in TOG is a lot of people of varying... let's call them heritages having varied power abilities... and even humans being able to use magic (like wyrdmarks). They've also got a god city and scions and I simply cannot spend anymore time going on tangents here, but know I only have more questions... no answers... help.

OMG we made it. To recap we've got: connections to other faerie realms (whether in ACOTAR or the multiverse which would implicate some world walking), we've got alchemists/alchemy, we've got healers, we've got two light wielding courts with some magic overlap and, and at the very least, magic irregularities. We've got gods all over the place. We've got... so many questions... but hopefully some thought provoking parallels!

If I had to make my very bold "conclusion" to whatever hellscape of a hypothesis this is it's that I do believe the Dawn Court and the Day Court have some mix and matching travel/world walking situations with the southern continent in TOG and ditto for that relationship regarding more elemental fae and Midgard. And with alchemy (that I really hope either exists in this world, manifests as just witches like babes I'll take it) acting as the connecting thread between the power balances of the worlds... idk I think we're gonna get some answers there. And I think perhaps they'll be very important to connecting the worlds.

Mostly... this is my plea to SJM to bring back Nuan! Tell us about the other glowing boys (Thesan & Helion).

Seriously, if you read any of this... thank you and just know I'm sending you a little virtual kiss. Ok, let's both go touch some grass now.

Pt. II is mostly written and coming to a tumblr near you soon.

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

https://matthewfairchildfanclub.tumblr.com/post/622613826051932160/okay-im-ranting-because-i-started-re-reading-the

What do u think about this? I'm kinda struck. I didn't read it that way? It didn't feel ooc to me? I am just stunned how many ppl agree with this because...thar entire thing was cardan and jude being dumb and sad and... Jude is a strong protagonist and ever scheming and persistent but she's...like human? She has feelings and is allowed to be sad??? Idk it's just strange to me

okay first thing's first: i'm not trying to start beef with OP (or anyone who agrees with OP). that is their opinion. they're allowed to have it. Jude and Cardan aren't real, but the person on the other side of that blog is.

second. i really only briefly skimmed the post because, honestly, it's the same argument i've seen everyone who doesn't like QON make. they think because Jude wouldn't burn down villages to get back into Elfhame after having her heart broken, she is, therefore, OOC.

let me tell you why i, personally, disagree with that statement. (TW: discussion of mental health and dissociation under the cut)

i'm going to split this into two parts. one is more anecdotal and the other is more character based.

as you point out, nonnie, Jude is strong. she is fierce, she is determined. but again, she is human. with human feelings. teenage human feelings, at that.

anyone who is not convinced Jude would feel pretty shit for a while after going through her first heartbreak is either too old to remember the rollick of teenage emotions mixed with the legless lord of young love, or they've simply never had their hearts broken before.

if the first, they're looking at Jude's situation with years of maturation behind them, years Jude doesn't yet have at that point. i think people forget this sometimes. Jude is just a teenager. and they probably want her to keep fighting because it's what they didn't do, but wished they had.

if the latter..... oh, my sweet summer child.

when i was young and in love (kind of) and then suddenly had everything ripped away from me within the span of a month, i honestly couldn't tell you what happened that summer. because i don't remember. i was backpacking but all i remember is sleeping well into the afternoon almost every day. lashing out at my friends for stupid shit. not eating. taking every chance i could get to isolate myself. being fine one moment, then in the next feeling like i was going to burst into tears out of nowhere. i had my first dissociative episode. it lasted for three days.

now, i'm probably not as scary as Jude. but i'd like to think i'm stubborn and spiteful enough to warrant some shadowy semblance. what i became was not who i or anyone else wanted or expected me to be. i wanted to be angry and rage and seek revenge, but i couldn't. people expected me to get over it, but i didn't. i was just stuck in this awful liminal place.

heartbreak isn't a single moment where your heart is shattered and then you immediately begin to pick up the pieces. that's unrealistic. heartbreak shatters you and then steals what's left away into a dense fog and laughs as you fumble around blindly on your hands and knees, searching for the lost pieces of yourself.

so, as nonnie pointed out, it is okay for Jude to be sad. it is more than okay. it's what we should expect.

okay, now on to my character based argument. to me, anyone who has this interpretation of QON has severely misjudged Jude's character throughout the series as a whole.

it's true, Jude might put on the facade of tough scary lady with sword–and sure, to a certain extent that is part of her. but Jude is not inherently wicked or menacing or unforgiving, even if she can be at times.

just because we can be a thing doesn't mean we are that thing. mere adjectives simply do not have the breadth to define us, your honours. we exist in multitudes, or however the fuck that Walt Whitman quote goes.

i'm not going to comb through the entire series for moments where Jude is not scary or menacing because, frankly, there are a lot. if you're not actively looking for the moments where she is terrifying, i think you'll see her kindness, her gentleness, even at times her grace, quite plainly.

i'd also like to point out that the times in which Jude is any of those scarier things are all when she is literally terrified for her life. it's a survival tactic. be scared or be the scariest thing in the room. easy choice from where i'm standing.

now in terms of Jude's exile, Cardan is a little dumb here, but not in the fanon himbo Cardan way. just in the normal "dude madly in love" way. by exiling her to the mortal world, he thought he was giving her what she wanted: safety and a clever riddle to solve. because she can't break, right?

he also sent her away for selfish reasons. her safety was more absolute in the mortal world and he couldn't risk losing her again. plus, he wanted to show off his cleverness, smug prick that he is.

but what Jude actually wanted were the things he promised her in his vows: to be the Queen of Elfhame, and, ultimately, him. she wanted a place to call home and Cardan by her side. he took the only things she truly desired in the world away from her by exiling. so yeah, homegirl has every right to be sad.

to close, i think people with this perspective of QON have the same view of Jude as Cardan once did, and it comes from a place of well-intentioned misunderstanding. he thought she could not break. so did the anti-QON crowd.

they were wrong.

–Em 🖤🗡

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