#Hes BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES 2 at a TIME

[airi-p4]

Face up - Chapter 2

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Epilogue

Finally!!!

I wanted to finish the fic following the rest of the song from Chapter 1: ‘Face up’ by Lights (Lyrics in bold), which would have been easy and quite short, but then I had a little drama / misunderstanding idea and when I asked @ladyfreya123 she said me to go for it soooo... this turned out to be way longer than expected ^^; There’s also going to be an extra short epilogue.

Thank you @livrever​ for checking this for me!

AO3

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Chapter 2

The next day Marinette did something totally out of her character: sneak out of her apartment, neglect her work, and go to the ‘Liberty’, that bar ship she went to the previous evening with her friends. She hoped to see the blue haired guitarist that picked more than her attention again. She got on the ship and moved to the bar counter, where the purple-haired waitress from the day before was arranging some bottles.

"Hi… May I ask you something?" Marinette asked, earning an affirmative nod from the tall woman. "When is Luka performing again…?"

"Sorry, nothing until next Friday" the goth waitress answered.

"Oh… Is there- Is there a way to contact him…?" she blushed.

The tall young woman let a tired sigh as if thinking 'not again' before giving her an answer. "Sorry Miss, but we don't offer this kind of service. We like to keep our staff's privacy"

"I- of course… I understand. I'll come again next Friday…" the blue eyed lady apologized, with a depressing look returning her face- a look the waitress recognized.

"Wait, you're the girl from yesterday aren't you? The one who had been feeling down"

"Ah, yes… That's right… I'm the one" Marinette awkwardly admitted.

"Hmm…" The tall woman analyzed her for a few seconds, her fingers touching her chin. "I see” she raised her eyebrow with a faint smirk. “Luka had never done anything like that before. I think you piqued his interest"

"Eh? His interest…? Re- really...? How?" She opened her eyes in surprise, her cheeks getting warmer.

"I don't know" the waitress shrugged. "Look. Luka is not here, but I'll give you something special if you buy a drink" she signaled the grey haired middle aged woman to take her place. "Wait a minute, I'll be right back"

"Ok…"

"Hi. What will it be?" The bar owner asked.

"Oh… One mango soft drink, please"

"WHAT!? A real pirate doesn't drink that! Have some rum!" The woman almost scolded her, violently pouring the drink in a glass that pushed towards the perplexed young lady.

Marinette nervously gulped as she looked speechless at the drink. Noticing how the owner's gaze was urging her to take it, Marinette felt intimidated under her stare. Luckily, the blond-haired waitress called her and she could recover her breath.

"Captain! Official Roger is asking for you"

"Argh!! Not again!" the grey-haired woman groaned.. "What's his problem now? My music is too low if I follow his 'law'. So annoying… Rose, I leave you this customer to you"

"Yes, Captain" she answered, focusing on Marinette and shoving the rum glass aside. "Hi, excuse the owner. What would you like?"

"Anything sweet, please" she sighed, grateful and relieved with a faint smile on her face.

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A few minutes later, the goth waitress returned. "Sorry for the wait" she said, her eyes attracted by the rainbow colored drink on Marinette’s long glass. "Rose, don't tell me you gave her your crazy original cocktail?" She sighed.

"Yes, Juleka! She loves it!" Rose grinned happily.

"Really…?" Her eyebrow arched in doubt. "I bet she's only faking it to not hurt your feelings… Anyway, here" She offered a DVD case to Marinette. "I don't usually do this, but we record all our performances and I'm making an exception and letting you have a copy of yesterday's live"

"Can I really have it!?" The designer's eyes glowed in hope.

"Only if you erase this terrible depressed expression from your face" she flicked Marinette's forehead with her finger. "Luka hates unhappy faces"

"Ouch!” she complained, touching his forehead before her grin became wider one second later. “Thank you so much! It means a lot to me!" She jumped, hugging the DVD case while the waitresses exchanged smiles. "See you next Friday! Oh, how much is the drink?"

"Nothing. I could never let you pay for Rose's disgusting original cocktail" Juleka teased.

"Hey! It tastes good!" Rose pouted.

"It tastes like strawberry syrup but with triple the amount of sugar." Juleka rolled her eyes.

"That's not true!" Rose complained. "Tell her, Marinette!"

"Yes, I like it. It's good"

Rose was now showing a proud smile while Juleka shrugged in defeat, one of her hands patting the blonde's shoulder.

"Rose, you're lucky a pure soul is willing to drink that sugary cocktail." Rose giggled at the tall woman's comment. "Feel free to come anytime. Uhm… Marinette, was it?"

"Ah, yes. Thank you so much. For the drink. And for the DVD. And for having me. See you soon!" She giggled while waving goodbye.

"Oh.. wanted her to taste my sparkling unicorn special drink too…" Rose pouted in a low voice.

"Oh Rose, it's ok. I'll take your sweetness later for you instead, how is that?" Juleka spoke close to her ear with a smirk.

"Yes!"

'I think I wasn’t supposed to hear that' Marinette thought, rushing out the bar with flustered cheeks and hugging the DVD.

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It was just Wednesday and she was at the bar again. 'Why do I keep coming every single day? I know he only comes on Fridays…'

Marinette felt lonely. After awakening feelings of love again, she noticed how lonely she actually was. When did her loneliness start? Was it something that comes together with growing older? She didn't even realize how single and solitary she was before Luka's performance. She seemed fine on her own, she mostly was... but last Friday proved her wrong.

It had been hours alone at the bar, ignoring her work and phone calls and, as expected, the guitarist was nowhere to be found. The bar was not as crowded as last Friday. In fact, it wasn’t to the point that it couldn't even compare- she almost felt bad for the blond guy performing. When the clock on the wooden wall turned to 11:30 PM, she sighed in defeat. She took her wallet out of her purse to pay for her 'sparkling unicorn drink' and her mango soft drink and got ready to go home, expecting to have better luck tomorrow. She raised her hand slightly to call the waitress.

"Excuse m-"

"Hey. Didn't I mention no sad faces were allowed here?"

A familiar voice cut her from the side, close to her ear. It startled her, making her gasp, but her pupils lit up as she turned and her gaze met the blue eyes she had been eager to see for days. She couldn't help to blush at his closeness, unable to control her wide but shy smile. He smiled back at her and her reaction.

"That's better" he winked, resting his arm at the bar counter. "So you've come back, huh? Did you enjoy your time here last Friday? Are you feeling better?" Luka attentively asked.

He kept smiling at her, melting the young woman's insides. She flustered in realization. "You remember me?"

"Of course. Not many people come here looking as terrible as you did. You seem better now. I'm glad"

"Oh- Uhm- Thank you…" she lowered her head to hide her blush under her bangs.

"What brings you here? Today's performances are Electro-pop, but you don't look like you're interested in those?" He curiously asked.

Marinette looked back at the stage. "I guess you're right… I've never really liked XY…" she confessed and Luka snorted.

"Wanna know a secret? Me neither. We just keep him because his father pays us"

"We? Us?" she blinked twice.

"Ah, crap." He noticed his mistake. “I mean the owner- Anarka" he answered.

"Oh…"

"Lu, it’s fine. You can tell her" Juleka approached, and Rose nodded in agreement. Luka seemed uncertain, but that didn't stop Juleka. "You see? Luka is my older brother and the bar owner is our mother.  We all live together here, except for Luka when he's out studying abroad"

"Jules…" Luka glared at his sister. "You can't give customers private information about us, you know that. Mom is going to kill us if she finds out…"

"She's not a customer, she's our friend. We can tell a friend. Especially when she's-" Juleka's words were cut by Marinette in panic, scared she would let him know about her feelings for him.

"Aaahh! It's ok! Thank you for telling me, Juleka. I'm not going to tell anyone! Not even my best friend!" she promised. The women were smiling while Luka let a deep sigh out.

"Anyway, may I join you?" Luka asked Marinette, titling his head to get a better angle of her face.

"Her name is Marinette," Rose interrupted and winked at him.

"I think he already knows by now, Rose. Especially after-"

"Shh…" Luka signaled, his index finger in front of his lips in a warning. "Don't continue Jules, or I may spill the beans about you know what…"

"My bad" Juleka apologized under Rose's confused expression and Luka's knowing look.

"So… Marinette? Fancy a drink with me?" The young man returned his attention to her, making her blush as he pronounced her name in his voice. Marinette stared at him in awe. She short-circuited. "Marinette?"

"Ah- yes! I mean- Really? Is it really ok...?" She blushed.

Luka looked back at the designer after shushing his sister and her girlfriend, who giggled at the scene. "Yes, it's fine. I want to have some drinks too and I'm sure it's going to taste better with company"

"Oh… ok… Let me remove my jacket from this seat..." She offered.

"No, not here" Luka stopped her movement by placing his hand on her jacket and getting closer to whisper close to her ear. "We're starting to get looks on us. Go outside, turn left and go upstairs. It says staff only, but you have my permission to go. Wait for me there. I'll come in a second". He moved farther and lifted her jacket. "Don't forget to put on your jacket. It's cold outside"

"Oh- Ok…" Marinette blushed while rushing out to follow his directions. She tripped on her feet when walking up the stairs, still flustered by the unexpected invitation.

After Marinette left, Luka waited for Rose and Juleka to prepare some drinks, and kept unavoidably smiling while seeing Marinette turning left once out the door. The ladies smirked at his rare expression.

"Lu. We like her. Don't mess up, ok?" Juleka stated and Rose nodded effusively. Luka rolled his eyes with a subtle blush on his cheeks until he eyed the glasses Rose had just handed him.

"Are you really planning to make Marinette drink that?" He looked at Rose's original cocktail raising an eyebrow in disgust.

"Why does everyone complain about it? It's delicious! Marinette thinks so too!" Rose pouted.

"Think about it, Rose. Luka isn't much into sweet drinks. How can he kiss the girl if you make her drink that?" Juleka teased.

"Oh… Oh, no! You're right! Let me prepare something else!" Rose excitedly exclaimed and Juleka smirked triumphantly at Luka, who rolled his eyes in response.

"First she would have to want to get kissed, you know…? And what makes you think I-" he could foresee Juleka's counterattack before it happened, so he surrendered beforehand. "Nevermind"

"Oh, she would be more than happy to kiss you, I know that much" Rose grinned, handing him the new drink while sharing a knowing smile with Juleka.

"Whatever" the musician sighed, grabbing the glasses and a pair of bottles of his favorite liquor and moving upstairs. Juleka knew her brother well enough to know he had a smile on his face even if she could only see his back.

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The upper part of the boat was nicer than Marinette had expected. The decorations there were fancier than downstairs and despite it kept the pirate theme, colorful flowers surrounded the space, like a little garden in the middle of the river. It was chilly since it was late September, but the breeze felt nice on Marinette's flustered face (perfect to help her cool down).

Marinette moved to the river side to enjoy the view of Paris at night time. The city was shining bright, beautifully, she has seen it multiple times from her apartment. And despite that, the view from the ship felt more special and even prettier and magical, she couldn't seem to find light inside of her. Her monotonous life was draining her, and her lack of inspiration didn't help her either.

Why…?

She shouldn't be thinking about that. Luka had invited her! And that was clearly the first spark she felt in a long time. She should be happy! Why was it always negative thoughts that stand out the most? She knew it was wrong, but her negativity kept spiraling... She had given Luka a bad first impression and he had probably invited her just because she looked pitiful. Why would he be interested in a workaholic and depressing woman like her, anyway? Someone plain and boring, more like a heartless robot than alive most of the time. It was impossible, wasn't it? Plus, he was going to find popularity and fame soon and he may have so many beautiful fans around him, definitely a better audience than her.

She sighed again. She knew she was being crazy- acting like one of those fangirls from the previous week. Because, in the end, she knew almost nothing about him. 'I'm not special. I'm not amazing as he is'. But she still wished, hoped, for this new found love to not end like her previous one. She wished to feel alive again, like last Friday night when he was on that stage and his eyes met hers.

And her crush on him was making her feel alive again, which was exactly what she wanted. But she was afraid everything could end in a blink before it even started. And with those thoughts in mind, some tears started forming in her eyes. What if he rejected her? It was crazy to think he would accept her feelings just like that. They had just met. Geez- it was the first time they even talked! What was she even expecting? He was out of her league, she convinced herself, and the thought alone made her feel lonely again. Back to her lifeless life.

"Sorry for the wait." Luka arrived, and when her face turned to him, he noticed her tears. "Hey, what's wrong? No crying allowed here, remember?" He emphatically said, placing the drinks on the table and approaching her.

"Sorry... I don't know what's gotten into me..." she tried to stop her sobbing, with no results.

"Easy. Shhhh... A beautiful face like yours shouldn't get tainted with anything, especially not tears" he said, offering her a handkerchief she hesitantly accepted. "Listen"

Luka took a few steps away to get some space as he took his acoustic guitar from his back and started playing a familiar song. When her eyes locked on his, he started singing the lyrics she had listened to hundreds of times on the DVD Juleka gave her.

The times you don't wanna wake up

'Cause in your sleep it's never over when you give up

The sun is always gonna rise up

You need to get up, gotta keep your head up

Look at the people all around you

The way you feel is something everybody goes through

Dark out, but you still gotta light up

You need to wake up, gotta keep your face up

"Sing with me, Marinette"

"Luka…" she whimpered.

"C'mon!" He encouraged her, and she started singing with him. At first, she just babbled the chorus between sobs, but after a few repeats, her voice started making sense as she sang in unmatching rhythms. His music dragged her face to smile faintly.

Alive again.

"There you go," Luka smiled tenderly, making her blush. "Your bad times are just a phase. This bad stage is going to end. Take it easy and be yourself. You are good enough"

"Am I really, though…?" She furrowed her eyebrows.

"I have no doubts" he assured her with a bright smile that made Marinette's heart throb. But doubt and fear still remained.

"How can you say that? You don't know me. Or my life. Or my feelings! How can you say that so lightly?" She gasped at her own words,  immediately regretting them. Why was she even getting angry? She was making Luka pay for her frustration and that was horrible. Before she could apologize, he interrupted her.

"Because you're sincere, Marinette. Your heart, your eyes, your gestures, your voice, your whole aura- they all tell me about you." He stared at her eyes. "Not only verbal language can communicate. I myself work better with music rather than words. And with those pieces of information together, I can tell you're going through a bad phase, lost motivation, maybe you're not even sure about where you want to go or your purpose in life, but that's normal. As the song says, everyone goes through that at some point. I did have one myself too"

"You… You did?" She asked, incredulous.

"Is it that surprising? You can ask Juleka, if you don't believe me. I'm not perfect- nobody is." He shrugged with a sympathetic smile. "But that's not the point. I can see your potential whenever I look at you. The Marinette from last Friday shone brighter than a diamond to me. I've known you were special from the first time my eyes landed on you, and, the more I see you, the more convinced I am. You're extraordinary, Marinette, and your heart song is the most beautiful I've ever heard." The young woman couldn't help but blush and show a hopeful wide smile at Luka's words. "Now, that's a beautiful smile! There's no way anyone can deny you anything to that" He smiled while staring at her eyes.

"Even you?" She involuntarily asked, and his eyes opened wide. "Ah-" her hands rushed to cover her mouth.

"I would be the first to fall for it" he laughed, but kept the second part to himself: 'if I already hadn't'

Marinette blushed even harder. Luka was even more impressive than she thought. Wasn't it too good to be real? Too incredible. Especially for someone like her.

This wasn't a crush, she realized. The spark in her heart was something more- the warmth she felt and the butterflies in her stomach… all of it made it obvious.

It was LOVE.

Was it even possible? So fast, so easily.

"It pains me to see how you don't believe in yourself and your potential," Luka continued. "Besides, Juleka and Rose like you, and let me tell you, that's already a big accomplishment."

Marinette's smile became even brighter but shy. "I like them too. Do you think they'll want to become my friends?"

"You heard them downstairs. I'm quite sure they already consider you that. Just how much time have you spent here since last Friday?" He teased, and Marinette flustered red, mumbling something incomprehensible that made Luka smile even wider before returning to the topic. "Anyway, don't put fences or walls to yourself. Life itself will already do that, there's no need for you to add more unnecessary difficulties. Try to give more credit to your positive features instead of blaming yourself for the negative ones. Flow with it"

"What if I can't? Or what if it's not a fence, but an unbreakable wall?" She asked, thinking of her neverending work routine and Audrey Bourgeois.

"Nothing is unbreakable, Marinette. You just need to believe you can do it. And if you can't go straight through it, then you can go around it, or even jump over it. Maybe get help too. There is nothing wrong in getting support when you need it. Definitely nothing to be ashamed of" Luka strummed the strings of his acoustic guitar lightly, in an unknown melody that spoke to her heart. She could relate those new tunes more than to any song she had ever heard. She closed her eyes to enjoy the notes that ran from her ears to her heart. Luka looked at her smile, pleased. "That's my favorite part of playing music, you know? Help people feel better and put smiles on their faces. And it's specially rewarding when is someone as beautiful and pure as you"

Marinette stared astonished at his fond expression. His smile was so perfect she wondered if it was even real.

"Marinette?" He called. "Let's enjoy this moment, this view, the breeze. Forget about all bad things for now. Take it easy and relax. Have a drink with me?" he suggested,  pointing at the glasses on the table with a welcoming smile.

Marinette’s eyes glowed in awe. She had thought she would be fine with just a little bit of Luka, even if it was only during his performances. But now? She wanted it ALL. She wanted to feel as alive as she felt whenever he was close. She wanted her love- this electric feeling to be mutual and last forever.

With those feelings in mind, her face rose up to meet his blue eyes with conviction.

"Thank you, Luka. I won't be looking down anymore," she proclaimed, and took the glass Luka offered her. Once in her hand, Luka lifted his tall glass, encouraging her to cheer with him.

"Face up?" he smiled, satisfied as she confidently bumped her glass to his. "Face up" she replied, and drank the alcohol while staring at his eyes and returning him a shy smile under his gaze.

With their empty glasses on the table, and without even noticing, naturally, they started leaning towards each other, lost in the deepness of their eyes. Their faces were barely a few centimeters apart, his fingertips brushed her skin and her hands moved to his chest. Their lips were almost touching when two voices interrupted them.

"OMG!! Isn't that Luka!?" "OMG, yes he is!!" "LUKA!!" KYAAAH" Two fangirls called from the nearest bridge.

Marinette jumped and backed away, nervously, and Luka turned around to awkwardly wave at them from afar after giving Marinette an apologetic look.

"Lukaaa!! Let's go have some fun?" "Yeah, like old times!" "Yeah, come have fun with us"

Luka turned to Marinette in alarm, and her mouth twisted.

"Sorry, girls! I'm not interested. Go have fun on your own" he told them off, somewhat angry, and they protested.

"Shh… He's already with someone!" One of the girls said to the other. "Hey! Didn't you say you didn't do that anymore? Liar!" "Oh, c'mon! She looks boring! Come with us instead, you'll have more fun!"

Marinette's expression turned into a mix of betrayal, sadness, anger and embarrassment.

She felt like the spell he had casted on her just faded away and Luka's heart ached in guilt and frustration.

"Shut up! I told you I’m not interested! Stop insisting! Don't you know what NO means!?" Luka finally yelled, losing his usual cool. But the fangirls continued.

"Oh, we may be scaring the lady! Poor thing, thinking she can have Luka all by herself..." "Have fun with your boring catch. How disappointing…" "What a shame…" "It's his loss, girl! Let's go" "Yeah, whatever" the pair of fangirls finally walked away.

Luka exhaled deeply and nervously turned to Marinette. "Sorry, Marinette. It's not what you think. Fangirls can get very annoying..."

Marinette's eyebrow arched, both demanding and hurt. "Not what I think? You owe me no explanation..." she was more hurt than she was willing to admit, and her face was at the lowest yet.

'It was my fault for having expectations… of course it was too beautiful to be real… Why did she even think she could be special to someone like him? To have him all by herself? She didn't know him! She thought he was amazing and sweet and caring… but her first impression has been proven wrong- absolutely wrong' she thought.

"Marinette! You're misunderstanding! I don't date fans, that's my policy!"

"So you just play around with them? Is this why you invited me? Am I your toy for tonight?"

She wanted to cry. She had fallen in love with an illusion. Of course someone that perfect couldn't exist. What was she thinking? She should have learned her lesson with Adrien, but this time was even worse. It hurt. A lot. More than a heartbreak ever hurt her. Because, this time, it also took hope away with her.

"No! Of course not-! You're getting it all wrong! That's all in the past! I was young and stupid- and... I don't do that anymore." He sounded so desperate Marinette almost believed him. "I wouldn't have invited you if I didn't genuinely mean it. Believe me, please" He pleaded, but she directed a glacial glare at him.

"Right… so that's what you say to all your fangirls, huh? No wonder they all fall for you. But I guess I have nothing else to do here: I know your policy now. I won't make you break it. Goodbye"

'How stupid of me to have hope something magical or exciting could happen to me. All that time invested for nothing. Not only out of his league, but also a playboy who had taken advantage of her weak state to seduce her with pretty words and music. How pitiful she was!

She wouldn't have minded to be his even if it was only for a night until moments ago. But now, she had decided she wanted it all- mutual love. And it was obvious he didn't feel the same.

Before leaving, her eyes darted to the empty glasses of alcohol. She grabbed one of the bottles Luka brought with him and refilled her glass violently. Luka was too late to react, before she drank it in one shot.

"Marinette, wait-"

Too late. The alcohol was already making her feel dizzy. That wasn't the soft drinks she used to drink, neither water: it reeked of alcohol. Logical, since it was something strong Rose prepared for Luka, not for Marinette. And her tolerance was incredibly low (which is why she always went with soft drinks in the first place). Luka rushed to catch the young woman when she slowly fainted.

"Marinette? Hey! Wake up. Open your eyes. C'mon! Don't do this to me" he lightly shook her small body. "Come back, please. You've got it wrong" he insisted, but Marinette left a light snore that made him calm down in relief. "Why are words so complicated…?" He sighed in worry.

After confirming she was deep asleep and nothing made it seem like she would wake up anytime soon, Luka carried Marinette in a princess style downstairs in concern.

"Marinette!" Rose gasped and rushed to her friend in Luka's arms.

"What have you done, dumbass? Is she ok?" Juleka slightly hit his arm, before checking on Marientte.

"Yes… Yes. She's just sleeping. The alcohol was too much…” He lamented. “Do you know where she lives? Or any relative or friend?"

The waitresses shook their heads in negation, and exchanged a worried look. "Lu… What happened up there?"

"I guess I'm still not good with words…" he shrugged, after a long silence, letting the Marinette's body rest on his bed. Juleka and Rose exchanged a worried look watching Marinette sleeping in distress, mumbling Luka's name in her dreams.

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The next morning, Marinette woke up in an unknown room. 'Where? What? How? Why? When…?'

Music coming from the next room startled her. 'That song…?' It was a song she had never heard before, yet it felt familiar for some reason. 'Who is playing it?' stepping out of the room, she realized where she was: the Liberty.

She jolted in realization and she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked horrible, but her clothes were still the same. She sighed in relief. 'What happened?' before she could think more, her eyes met Luka's in one of the couches.

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" He asked her with a soft and apologetic smile.

"I- ugh… my head… what happened?"

"You don't remember?" He asked and she shook her head. "You passed out," he explained, signaling for her to take a seat. She complied. "You seriously startled me, Marinette. It was so sudden... And since you didn't seem to wake up, I let you sleep on my bed"

"Oh- sorry… and thank you…" she muttered, looking down, embarrassed.

"Hey. No more looking down, remember? Face up" He raised his own face in encouragement.

"Face up" she repeated, following his lead with a shy smile.

“You know? About yesterday… I want to-” Luka started, breaking the silence, but Juleka interrupted them.

"Lu, the label called you. You better say yes this time or-" Juleka noticed her friend. "Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were still here, Marinette. How are you feeling?"

"Better, thank you," Marinette answered. 'Label?' She wondered.

"Jules. Marinette's got a headache. Could you give her some medicine while I'm on the phone, please?" Luka asked Juleka and she smiled tenderly, aiding her friend to the counter.

"Here" Juleka offered her an aspirin and a glass of water, and Marinette accepted. Juleka noticed how Marinette kept staring at Luka's direction with curiosity.

"Luka had an appointment 10 minutes ago. Jagged Stone's label wants him to sign a contract with them" Juleka explained, proudly. "He has been turning them down for weeks, but this time he seemed to have decided to sign. That's why he came back one day earlier than usual, actually. Isn't my dumbass brother amazing?"

A contract… with Jagged Stone's label? Luka was going to sign it? Marinette remembered Nino's words: 'he's gonna be big in no time'. She had agreed with that affirmation… She just didn't expect it so early. So sudden. Where would their chances be if he became famous…? With all his fangirls- wait- what was that about fangirls?

She remembered.

"Fangirls" Marinette mumbled to a confused Juleka. "Why did you lie to me, Juleka? You said I was special, but Luka just thinks of me as a fan! And he doesn't date fans! Were you making fun of me?"

"What? Of course, no! Where did you get those ideas from?"

"Those fangirls from yesterday said it, and Luka confirmed"

"That dumbass…" Juleka's tongue clicked and Marinette started to cry. "Hold on, Marinette. You're misunderstanding everything. It's true Luka had a 'rebellious stage', but that's part of the past now, he's different now. If he invited you it's because he is really interested in you. I promise. He ditched the meeting with the music label so he was there when you woke up and he even-"

"How can I know you're not lying?" Marinette demanded in a yell and Juleka looked at her in shock.

"We hate lies, Marinette. We may be chaotic and a bit crazy, but we're always honest. Luka too." Juleka explained, hurt by her friend's distrust.

At that moment, Luka returned. "Sorry- I have to go now. Will you be- Marinette?" Luka cut them, and the fashion designer showed him an enraged expression and took her things and rushed out.

"Marinette, wait!" Both siblings called, but she didn’t stop. Luka ran and somehow caught her by the wrist and Marinette was finally letting go of the tears she had been holding. "Marinette…!"

"Let me go, Luka!”

"You remember the misunderstanding," Luka realized. "Let me explain, please," he begged.

"No! I don't want to hear it. Do you want to make me look even more pathetic? I'm sick of it! I'm sick of my own stupidity. Falling in love with you was a mistake!"

"Love...?" His jaw fell, leaving him puzzled with his mouth open.

"You have fun with your fangirls, you don't date fans as per your policy and you'll soon be famous internationally and forget I exist! Coming here every day was a waste of time. Goodbye, Luka. Good luck with your life" she freed herself from his weakened grip and started running away.

Luka's feet were glued to the floor in shock. Did she really say love?

"What are you doing!? Go after her, stupid!" Juleka shouted and Luka snapped out.

"Shit!" Luka ran, "Marinette!" but she was nowhere to be found. "No… Dammit!" He cursed.

When he returned to the Liberty, Juleka and Rose scolded him. "You better pray for her to be here tomorrow evening for your performance. But now go and sign that contract before they give up on you.  Hurry up!" Luka nodded, took his guitar with him and started walking, deep lost in his thoughts.

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As soon as Marinette arrived at her apartment, she let herself fall on the bed and started crying uncontrollably. She received some phone calls and messages, but she didn't feel strong enough to check. She was supposed to be working at Audrey's at that hour- of course she would call. Her boss was going to kill her. But she didn't care. Instead, she played again the live performance of the previous Friday, when she felt more alive than ever. Music to accompany and silence her tears- tears of heartbreak and betrayal.

Once again, she let her negativity win. Again… And without listening to his excuses.

She felt at her lowest yet.

____________________________

And just with that, in a blink of an eye, Friday arrived.

Marinette coped with heartbreak with stress working- she had a lot to catch up after the time she had spent in the Liberty the past days, and she worked better under stress, anyway. At 6 PM a message from Alya arrived on her phone.

'Girl, we're going with Nino to Liberty again. Wanna come? Your hot guitarist will be playing tonight! We'll be waiting for you there!'

She ignored the message.

________________

Just before 11PM, the Liberty was absolutely crowded. The last performance had ended, and people could already feel the rush in anticipation for Luka's performance. But the musician wasn't feeling it as he usually did. He had been rewatching past Friday's performance in loop, focusing on Marinette exclusively. He felt terrible. An unfortunate misunderstanding due to the past he was ashamed of, had come to chase him at the worst possible moment- the moment he had finally found the person with the heart song he had always wished for.

It was past the time for Luka's performance, so Juleka knocked and entered his cabin to call for him. "It's time"

"Marinette…?" He asked and she shook her head in negation, biting her lip. He sighed deeply.

Once at the stage, he looked at the empty chair he had reserved for Marinette in the first row, and then he looked around to confirm she wasn't there, indeed. He was sad, more than he had been in a while, but the Liberty was a place to be happy and he was a professional, so he had to give it his all, like always. Only those who really knew him (or really devoted fans like Nino) would be able to notice something was wrong with him.

"Good evening, everyone! Thank you for coming. Ready for some rock & roll?"

"Yeah!!" "Woohoo!"

_____________________

Marinette checked the clock on the wall of her apartment: 11:58 PM. Despite her efforts, she couldn't take Luka and the Liberty out of her mind.

Luka's performance would be ending right now, she thought, moving forward the DVD recording to the moment he thanked the audience and fans had asked for an encore. At that moment, he had asked her and only her, if she wanted one too, and she raised her voice like she never had before. It felt great, she remembered. ALIVE. The video ended when Luka left the stage, mentioning a new song. Did he play it tonight? She wondered, but she had no way to know, because she hadn't been there and his performance had already ended...

The clock pointed past midnight when she buried her face in the pillow, tears finding their way out.

________________________

At the same time, at the bar, Alya and Nino were talking at the counter.

"Woah Alya! It was amazing! Too bad Marinette didn't come. I thought she enjoyed last week?"

"I know… She's been stress-working since yesterday, it seems. Something must have happened, but she's keeping it for herself. I wish I could help her more… She should be enjoying her youth! Falling in love and-"

Suddenly, fangirl squealing started and Alya and Nino felt a hand on their shoulders that startled them. Neither expected to find Luka when they turned.

"You two- You're Marinette's friends, aren't you? From last week-" He asked and they nodded when their voice refused to come out, shocked and processing what was happening. "I need a favor, please." Luka asked.

Alya and Nino exchanged a look and followed him to his cabin, shoving his fangirls away as they walked through the crowd.

_________________________

‘Girl. You better tell me what's going on asap, because I'm losing my mind’

Marinette stared confused at the screen as a new message arrived on her phone: a video. Marinette was a little unsure to play it seeing Luka in the preview image, but her longing feelings for him and her curiosity won over her fears.

She played it.

"Hi again, everyone. Ugh" Luka looked unexpectedly nervous. "I know it's way past the time we're allowed to 'be noisy', so I'm going to make it quick before agent Roger comes and gives the owner one of his fines." Some people laughed at the back. "I composed this song for a special lady who, sadly, isn't here today- which is why I asked these amazing people to make it reach her. Thank you, guys!" 'He called us amazing!' Nino fuzzed and Alya laughed at her boyfriend. "Anyway- I hope I make myself more clear with this song than with words. This song is for you, Marinette"

Marinette's eyes opened big and she audibly gasped. A song for her…? She knew that melody- the one he was practicing and that reached her heart. And the lyrics…

A confession of love…? Could it be…? She felt tears in her eyes, moved by the perfect harmony between the acoustic guitar's melody, the lyrics he sang with his beautiful angelic voice and the conveyed feelings through it… His feelings for her- his love and his wish for her to be confident and shine.

The song ended and he looked directly at the camera.

"Marinette, I'm sorry for our misunderstanding. I hope I made myself clear this time. Whenever you want, if you want- of course-, you know where to find me. I'll wait for you."

Marinette let out a restrained cry as she pressed the replay button.

______________________________________

Luka was at the upper part of the ship, alone, with a tall glass in front of him. He had only taken a sip, and had focused on his guitar instead, playing 'Marinette's song' tunes.

It had been hours since Marinette's friends- Alya and Nino- had sent her the video, but she didn't appear or reply to them. Being almost 4 AM, he wasn't expecting much. 'So my feelings didn't reach her, huh?' He sighed in defeat.

"Didn't you say no sad faces were allowed here? Or do you have privileges? Because that's unfair"

Luka turned his head and met Marinette's eyes, who had just seated next to him, bringing out all her courage. His face immediately lit up in relief.

"Marinette. You came" he smiled. "Did you-"

"Did you really mean it? The song… those feelings..." she asked in determination. Her heart was about to burst out in both fear and expectation.

"All of it" Luka didn't even flutter, no doubt in his voice.

"Hmm…" Marinette secretly smiled under her bangs and soon, her eyes darted to his drink. She blinked in surprise. "Rose's unicorn special drink? I would have never expected you would like it."

"I don't. I have no idea how you can drink this, actually. It's way too sweet" he stuck his tongue out in disgust and Marinette's lips curved wider.

"Then…" her hand moved to cup the rainbow colored glass. "I hope you don't mind it if…"

"Go ahead- sorry it's not very cold anymore..."

Was she doing it on purpose? Licking her lips, so teasingly after taking a sip… He was feeling all hot out of the sudden, so he rolled his sleeves up. His throat felt suddenly dry.

Still seated next to him, Marinette moved her head to rest it on his shoulder. "Could you sing again...?"

"Of course. Which part?" He strummed his guitar's strings, but she didn't answer and just hummed, as if she was telling him to guess it. "Ok, let me guess. Maybe that you're…

'An extraordinary girl. Clear like a musical note, sincere as a melody. The song that's been playing in my head since our first encounter'

He sang and she blushed, shaking her head. "Not this one? What about this then?" He continued.

'Clear all the fog around you and raise your voice to shine, like the diamond you are. A bright smile no one can deny. Don't be afraid to feel ALIVE'

She shook her head again, and he sang another part, hopefully.

'You're the one in my heart, the perfect melody to admire'

Marinette's smile widened, but she shook her head once again. It didn't pass him how she looked at him from under her lashes.

'Face up, so I can see your glowing eyes and your dazzling smile'

Always up, never behind, don't be afraid to take my hand. A new love story to write, the clock no longer in standby. Give me a second chance and I'll never say goodbye'

Redness found its way to Marinette's face, as she hummed happily. Luka smiled back at her, equally happy, but Marinette didn't have enough yet. She stood up and yelled loudly to the river: "Encore!"

Luka laughed, remembering their first meeting one week ago. "You want an encore? Any requests?" He asked, confidently.

“I want to listen to something PURE” she blushed. “Something that tells me your feelings are genuine as mine. Something that tells me that I’m special to you. Something to clear all the uncertainty I may have left…"

Luka listened to her attentively, and after giving a thought, he knew exactly what to play. He left his guitar aside and took a step closer to Marinette- very close. She was trembling but expectant when he held her hand, exhaled deeply and pressed the palm of her hand on his chest.

His heartbeat.

"This. This is new, even for me. It only happens when you're around, Marinette. And if you allow me to kiss you, I'll prove it right. Shall I?" Marinette opened her eyes wide and her face flustered again. Next, she nodded, and looked up so he could brush his lips to hers softly, carefully, treasuring the feeling the contact gave them… With her hand still on his chest, Marinette noticed how their heartbeat soon beat as one. In unison. Matching tempo, same feelings of love. And that was the best encore she could have ever received.

She was certain now: like the song said, she had cleared up all the fog and was ready to hold his hand without ever looking back.

And with that, all her fears vanished. No more redness on her face. No more stammering. No more nerves. No more negative feelings. She just felt as she always wished.

ALIVE.

More than ever.

Confidently, Marinette raised her glass and drank it whole while staring at Luka’s eyes. Luka gulped, feeling thirsty out of the sudden.

"Marinette. I think I made my feelings clear now. Will you give me an answer? Or at least say yes to a date?" Luka asked, a little impatient.

"I thought you didn't date fans…?" She teased.

"You're not a fan, Marinette. What kind of fan would miss their favorite artist's live performance on purpose? You're the one my heart chose and the most beautiful person I've ever met. You inspire me to compose a thousand songs"

"I can't be your fan, then?" She tilted her head to the side, playfully.

"You can be whatever you want, Marinette," he assured, and her smile brightened.

"Even your one and only official girlfriend?" She said, reaching for his arm.  

"Please be?" He almost begged.

Marinette felt shy out of the sudden. "Yes… I really want to" She nodded and hid her blush burying her face on his shoulder.

"Marinette. Face up" Luka reminded her, happily, and she raised her head to meet his eyes directly, lost in its blueness and his loving smile. One of his hands moved to her hair, brushing her bangs to have a better look at her face, while the other held her hand steadily. Her face flustered and her fingers squeezed back at his. Slowly, they moved closer until their lips melted in a tender kiss. A slow, longer kiss followed.

"That drink sure is sweet" Luka mentioned, licking his lips and making Marinette smile. "But it's not that bad, I guess. I think I could get used to it…" he said, and Marinette giggled.

"See? I told you it was good!" A high-pitched voice yelled from the stairs, followed by a loud gasp.

"Rose!" Another voice called.

"Ah-" the blond lady covered her mouth. "Sorry, keep going! We're not looking! Or listening! We're just here- chilling- we won't interrupt! Go on!"

Luka rolled his eyes and Marinette giggled again. Soon, Juleka excused Rose and dragged her downstairs, giving the new couple some privacy.

"They were worried about you, you know? Don't get mad at them"

"I know" Marinette smiled widely. "I have to apologize to them later, especially to Juleka. What I said… I'm sorry I didn't listen to your explanations…" she lamented, looking down.

"Shhh… That's for later." Luka shushed her and tilted her face up with his hand under her chin. "Do you have more spare kisses to share or are you tired?"

"I- I do have them… a lot, actually" she blushed at his closeness. "And you?"

"For you? I don’t think I could ever get tired of them" he gave her a short kiss, before continuing. "But next time drink something else, please. You're sweet enough, I don't need the extra amount of sugar" Marinette laughed and pressed her lips to his. And he immediately kissed her back. "I love you, Marinette"

"I love you too, Luka" she embraced him closer, her face finding comfort in his arms.

And like that, they kissed until the sunrise. 

[nyfoodee]

Im MOE GREENE I Made My Bones when you were Going Out with CHEERLEADERS Freddo is BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES 2 at a time MoeGreene Got SHOT in the EYE 2atatime the GODFATHER AL PACINO PUZO COPPOLA

Im MOE GREENE I Made My Bones when you were Going Out with CHEERLEADERS Freddo is BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES 2 at a time MoeGreene Got SHOT in the EYE 2atatime the GODFATHER AL PACINO PUZO COPPOLA

“I’m MOE GREENE ! I Made My BONES when You were  Going Out with CHEERLEADERS!” . “He’s Banging Cocktail Waitresses 2 at a Time” “The Players Can’t Get a Drink at The Tables” FREDDO CORLEONE was BANGING COCKTAIL WAITRESSES TWO at a TIME In MOE GREENE’S Las VEGAS CASINO

[aion-rsa]

10 Best Movies of 2021 (So Far)

https://ift.tt/3iTu7sI

Can you ever really go home? Millions of cinephiles are likely asking themselves this as summer 2021 winds down with doubt again lingering over their favorite movie houses. For a time, theaters were once again open for big business in the U.S. and UK, and remain so in at least one of those venues. But box office reports paint an ambiguous future, and many casual moviegoers clearly remain reluctant about returning to the cinema.

Nonetheless, it’s still good to be back in those old familiar places, as well as to have an ever expanding list of options to discover on streaming. Compared to last year, 2021 feels like a sunny balm, particularly now that the heaviest hitters and biggest surprises of July and the dog days of summer have landed.

It’s why we typically save our “mid-year” ranking for that deep breath between the end of summer escapism and the awards season push that begins in September. There have been some real treats on the 2021 calendar, so whether you’ve seen the entire list below or are looking for something you missed, sit back and enjoy a collection of the best movies of 2021. So far.

10. Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo wrote and star in this bizarre, brightly colored, and utterly joyful comedy that defies expectations throughout. The two are middle-aged best friends who take their very first vacation to Florida together to visit the idyllic Vista del Mar.

But it’s not all cocktails and banana boats. Behind the scenes, super villain Sharon Fisherman (also played by Wiig) has an evil plan for the resort. With shades of the best of Austin Powers (though far more sincere) Barb and Star is a good natured friendship comedy through a surrealist lens, which could scratch an itch for anyone missing a bit of beach time this year.

9. Psycho Goreman

Unexpected gem of the year surely goes to this utterly bonkers grue-filled cosmic horror B-movie which is also really funny and kind of sweet at the same time. It follows annoying little shit Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) who bullies her brother Luke (Owen Myre) mercilessly. After defeating him in a game of “crazy ball,” Luke’s punishment is to dig his own grave (!) but instead the pair discover an artifact which turns out to be the key to controlling a universal evil imprisoned on earth for trying to destroy the galaxy.

So of course Mimi names him Psycho Goreman and forces him to hang out with her family and friends despite his insistence that he will bathe in their blood the moment he is freed. From Steven Kostanski, the director of 2016’s The Void, Psycho Goreman is a spot-on blend of brutal slaying and hardcore gore, a cosmic plotline involving an alien council and a wholesome family comedy. An unexpected delight.

8. Cruella

Emma Stone is a punk rock designer in the mold of Vivienne Westwood in this vibrant London-set comedy, which is on paper a prequel to 101 Dalmatians. But in reality, take it as a standalone and you’ll have way more fun.

Up and coming fashionista Estella manages to impress one of the leading designers The Baroness (Emma Thompson) and secures a coveted job at her world famous fashion house. But when Estella discovers a dark secret relating to her own past, she takes on the outrageous alter-ego Cruella to destroy The Baroness by out-fashioning her at every opportunity.

Packed with banging tunes and great dresses, Cruella is a high energy spectacle but it’s the sparring of the two Emmas that brings the real electricity. Forget any future she might have as a puppy killer, in her own film, Cruella is a legend. 

7. In the Heights

The sunniest film to hit theaters this season, Jon M. Chu’s In the Heights was as sugary sweet as the frozen Piragua Lin-Manuel Miranda hocks around this movie’s block. Based on the Hamilton composer’s earlier Tony winning musical, the picture was the rare thing: a Broadway adaptation that actually soars as high as its stage production and (rarer still) the first Hollywood blockbuster with an all-Latinx cast.

Read more

Movies

How Cruella Got That Crazy Expensive Soundtrack

By Don Kaye

Movies

In the Heights: You Need to Stay for Post-Credits Scene

By David Crow

The film came under fair criticism on social media for not being as inclusive as it could be, but that shouldn’t be the last word on such a big-hearted achievement. From the buoyant performances which have already opened doors for Anthony Ramos and Leslie Grace’s immense charisma, to the Latin, salsa, and hip-hop infused melodies which celebrate a culture long left out of the Hollywood image of American life, In the Heights is a jubilant celebration. There really hasn’t been a giddier time at the multiplex this year. Plus, those “96,000” and “Carnaval del Barrio” sequences really are fire.

6. Zola

Based on a “true” story which was told via a series of tweets posted back in 2015 (and the subsequent Rolling Stone article that brought the tale to prominence), Zola is a stranger-than-fiction saga seen through the lens of social media. An ultra contemporary, experimental, low budget comedy-thriller with a backdrop of abuse and sex trafficking, the film is as willfully uncomfortable to watch as it is massively entertaining.

From the jump, Zola (Taylour Paige) is a Detroit waitress and part time exotic dancer who meets a customer named Stefani (Riley Keough) and agrees to take a trip with her to Florida to hit up strip clubs where Stefani promises they’ll make a lot of money. With them are Stefani’s feckless boyfriend (Succession’s Nicholas Braun) and her obviously dodgy roommate. Sometimes told through spoken tweets with switches in perspective, this marks director Janicza Bravo as a compelling new voice, and her cast of leads as nothing short of captivating.

How much of what you’re watching actually happened? Well, that’s the elusive quality of social media…

5. Judas and the Black Messiah

Fred Hampton was murdered with the consent and planning of law enforcement at both federal and local jurisdiction levels. That Judas and the Black Messiah made this common knowledge would be reason enough for consideration. Yet that director Shaka King tells Hampton’s story so thrillingly here elevates his film into one of the most compelling crime dramas in years—only with the FBI’s illegal COINTELPRO program being the primary criminal element.

Told from the perspective of the man who spied on the Black Panthers and eventually facilitated the raid that took Hampton’s life, Judas radiates a despairing quality which somehow can still feel electrifying whenever Daniel Kaluuya’s powerhouse performance takes center stage. Which is pretty much any time the Black Panther chairman takes the microphone. Kaluuya deserved his Oscar, but LaKeith Stanfield’s paranoid turn as Bill O’Neal, the poor bastard coerced into being a snitch while still a kid, is what gets under your skin and walks beside you after the credits roll.

4. Pig

Are there really folks out there who wandered into a screening of Pig and assumed they’d get the Nicolas Cage knockoff of John Wick? I like to think so, just as I love to imagine what they said to each other afterward. To be sure, Michael Sarnoski’s Pig sounds on paper like something in that ballpark: Cage plays a hermit living in self-exile from his past life when ruffians steal his beloved… truffle pig. In response, he comes down from the mountain, ready to reengage with the old ways.

Read more

Movies

Judas and the Black Messiah Remembers Fred Hampton Was a Man of His Words

By Tony Sokol

Movies

The Suicide Squad Character Guide, Easter Eggs, and DCEU References

By Mike Cecchini

Yet when you realize those old ways involve being the greatest chef in his state—and reengagement means partaking in a fight club that’s far more pitiful than it sounds and simply cooking gourmet meals—the more apparent it is that this is a sophisticated, nuanced allegory about grief and self-identity. Anchored by Cage’s best performance in a long, long time, Pig is a gentle and revelatory experience that slowly unpacks its brilliance piece by piece, vignette by vignette. For those coming in wanting fast food, this probably will be a disappointment. For all others, it’s a resplendent five course meal.

3. The Suicide Squad

For once the marketing wasn’t kidding. Writer-director James Gunn does have a horribly beautiful mind, and we at last get to see it fully unleashed on a superhero property. Yes, the filmmaker made many cry over a CGI tree and talking raccoon in the Guardians of the Galaxy films, but perhaps not since Logan has a storyteller seen such free rein over valuable studio IP. Gunn didn’t waste it.

The Suicide Squad plays very much like the men and women on a mission ‘60s capers its director grew up on, but that structure is channelled here through a filthy and deranged sensibility. How else can you describe a picture that makes you want to cuddle a land shark who just swallowed a bystander whole? The Suicide Squad does that and more while providing a showcase for sure things like Margot Robbie’s irresistible Harley Quinn, as well as the dregs and rejects of DC Comics who ultimately steal the movie: David Dastmalchian’s Polka-Dot Man and Daniela Melchior’s Ratcatcher 2, namely. Box office be damned, this is one of the best superhero films ever made and will be a classic in the years to come.

2. The Green Knight

When you hear the name “King Arthur,” certain elements spring to mind. It’s one of those classic properties which have been adapted, exploited, and parodied with killer rabbits ad nauseam. Even so, it’s safe to say you’ve never seen the lore become as foreboding and startling as this. Reimagined through the gaze of writer-director David Lowery, the 14th century poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight at last takes on a trippy and witchy connotation. An interpretation that pulls as much from medieval paganism as it does obsessions with chivalry and Christian virtue, The Green Knight successfully reinvents its Arthurian quest into a journey toward certain doom.

Read more

Movies

The Green Knight: Why David Lowery and Dev Patel Reimagined Arthurian Legend

By David Crow

Movies

The Green Knight Ending Explained

By David Crow

As the central figure on that mission, Dev Patel reveals superstar charisma and the ability to completely command the screen. His version of Gawain, the wayward nephew of King Arthur (Sean Harris), is vain, cowardly, selfish, and somehow wholly sympathetic as he searches for Ralph Ineson’s Green Knight: a godlike creature who has promised to behead Gawain when they meet again. Through it all, Lowery and company craft a sumptuous world that in every shot looks like the most transportive Dungeons and Dragons cover you’ve ever seen. The atmosphere is oppressively brooding, and it will not appeal to everyone. Yet like the very best films released by indie distributor A24, there is a touch of mad genius at work here that demands to be seen and then seen again.

1. Inside

As arguably the best piece of art to come out of 2020’s torments, Bo Burnham’s Inside was not marketed or even conceived of as a film. Nevertheless, it slowly transformed into one throughout its months-long production process, which forewent mere sketch humor to reveal an undeniably cinematic, experimental, and ultimately bleak heart. In other words, it’s a perfect distillation of how all mediums are blurring into that loathsome word: content.

Through heavily edited, conceived, and revised set-pieces, the film’s director, star, writer, and composer lays his insecurities and vanities bare. Filmed inside Burnham’s home studio space, Inside is the result of the young filmmaker behind Eighth Grade becoming acutely aware he’s regressed to his early resources as a teenage YouTube star: a camera, a music keyboard, some synth programs, and hours of idle boredom.

Within those numbing hours, Burnham built something both reflective and suspicious about technology, the internet culture which gave him his career, and even his own self-image. With a catchy songbook of synthesized bangers, many of which echo ’80s pop ballads, Burnham crystallizes better than any typical three-act film the anxieties and delirium of a year spent mostly at home. He also provides a scathing critique of how our concepts of communication and identity have been co-opted and undermined by tech companies whose products incite division for profit—all while still releasing his film on the biggest streaming platform in the world. It’s a challenging, self-loathing, and haunted piece of work that will invariably become a time capsule for its moment in history.

Runner ups that almost made the cut: Annette, Black Widow, Coda, Mr. Soul, No Sudden Move, Raya and the Last Dragon, Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go For It, The Sparks Brothers, Val.

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The post 10 Best Movies of 2021 (So Far) appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3mi6Pip

[nitewrighter]

I need hea-more Noire Gency because i'm weak sdfgdfsf

…man neither of my Noir AU posts broke 1000 words? I’ve been putting this off too long.

Previous Noir AU Posts: 1, 2

—

Snap out of it. You’ve seen her in a dress before, Genji thought to himself, tearing his eyes away from Mercy again. That was probably the third time he told himself that, but this dress was different from her usual navy Kitty Foyle dresses though. It was a smartly tailored yet curve-accentuating amber-gold cocktail dress, with a neckline he found… particularly distracting. Her hair had been swept over one shoulder, and around her neck was a black velvet choker featuring a gold brooch of a swallow in flight. She had one arm hooked in his, and the other holding onto her unusually heavy clutch purse. He could hide his holster under his own suit jacket, but for her… He had to tear his eyes away from the clutch now and stop running Murphy’s law through his mind, stop calculating how many seconds it would take for him to cover her while she loaded her own gun if it came right down to it (and god he hoped it wouldn’t come right down to it).

“Don’t look so nervous,” said Mercy and her voice seemed to drag him away from the dozens of hypothetical firefights in his mind and he glanced at her. “Here,” she handed him her clutch and straightened his lapel, then adjusted his collar and tie. “Very handsome,” she said, with a slight grin and he felt his face burn. The line was long but it moved quickly. Club Talon was far more popular than Genji previously thought it would be. The bouncer looked them up and down before waving them in. The air inside the club was thick and warm, uselessly pushed around by ceiling fans and heavy with cigarette smoke. The pluck of a bass underscored the din of the club like a heartbeat, and every so often a trumpet cut through the air. They took their seats at a table tucked in to a corner, but still having a decent view of the dance floor, the stage, and of course, the exits.

“Drinks tonight?” a waitress dropped by their table.

“Saint Moritz for me,” said Mercy. She gave a glance over to Genji.

“Gin and tonic,” said Genji.

The waitress gave a nod and walked off toward the bar. Mercy’s eyes were flicking around the room, scanning everyone’s faces, Genji could tell she was doing her damnedest to see if she could recognize any of the faces of those entering the club from their records. She settled into her seat, her eyes still flicking around until her Saint Moritz was placed in front of her.

She picked it up and sipped it, thumbing the cream off of her lips.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the lead trumpeter of the band had broken forward to the front of the stage and taken the mic, “It is with great pleasure that we introduce to you, the superlative, the incomparable, Widow.”

Applause broke out across the club as the trumpeter returned to his position with the bang, and they played out a bright and warm intro as a woman in a violet dress took the stage.

“Genji,” Mercy said, eyes wide. 

“I know,” said Genji, watching the widow as the lyrics of “C’est Si Bon” filled the air. He sipped his gin and tonic to try and keep the dread from dropping into his stomach. The singer matched Lena Oxton’s description to a T, however, she was a singer. She could have all the alibis in the world for the night Mondatta died.

Mercy’s eyes flicked across the club. “We need to dance,” she said, taking another sip of her Saint Moritz and watching the dance floor gradually fill up.

“Yes we should—What?” Genji glanced up at her but she was already standing up and straightening her skirt. They still had to blend in, he realized. She held a hand out to him. He took her hand and stepped up, walking out with her to the dance floor. She brought his hand to her hip, draped her forearm on his shoulder, and clasped his other hand in hers. They started moving with the music. He made eye contact with her and felt his pulse quicken, then glanced off and attempted to case the club. 

She pulled him close, he could feel her breath on his ear. “Two armed guards by the door. One upstairs, an office, maybe?”

“You’re hoping to find a way in later?” Genji murmured back.

“Kiss me,” said Mercy.

“What?” said Genji. He watched her eyes flick over his shoulder and felt them being watched. He pivoted on his heel and turned in the dance to see what she was seeing and saw two figures in suits staring at them.

“Kiss me,” she said again, looking at him dead in the eyes. He stared at her, blinking a few times, processing this.

“If we don’t do something,” Mercy was saying, “They’ll—-“

He kissed her on the mouth. It was a half-panicked, half instinctive thing. Sudden, yet tentative, deep. Long overdue. He brought his hand to her neck and nearly lost himself before remembering why she had said to kiss her to begin with. He broke from her and his eyes flicked past her to the two men in suits whose gaze had apparently went past them back to the singing widow. He looked back at Mercy.

“We’re safe for now,” he said.

Mercy was staring forward, stunned, eyes wide and shining, face flushed, lips still parted.

“…Angela?” he said softly and she blinked several times and shook her head.

“Wh-What? I wasn’t–What?” she said.

“…I said I think we’re safe for now,” said Genji, pivoting on his foot to show her the two armed guards.

“Safe…” she said, listening to the widow sing, “Right. Safe,” she said, pulling in a bit closer in his arms.

[einstein-robin-hood-blog]

Untold Tales of the Proletariat, No. 5 - Renaissance Country Club, Dramatis Personae, Part 2

Head Altar Boy Jimmy

When I started at the Renaissance, Head Altar Boy Jimmy was the hors d'oeuvres chef. This meant he cooked the hors d'oeuvres (more about them later), made the salad, and spun dross into gold with our Extremely Sophisticated Dessert: PEACH MELBA - always referred to as “the melbas.”  As in: “DID YOU DO THE MELBAS?” “DON’T FORGET THE MELBAS!” “LEAVE TIME FOR THE MELBAS!” Or my favorite: “”WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THE MELBAS.” They haunt me to this day: Tireless Caretaker Bride will confirm that I often wake up in a cold sweat, shouting “THE MELBAS!!!” before collapsing back into a fever dream (with raspberry sauce). Just the other night, I had to white knuckle it through Cooking With Jacques Pepin - that’s right, he was making melbas.

During cocktail hour, the waiters and waitresses would line up to have their trays filled with hot hors d'oeuvres by Jimmy. Little plastic cups of ketchup and mustard on the trays. Classy. And yes, those plastic cups were perfect for simulating the sound of riding a horse, a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975).

The plastic cups were so perfect, in fact, that from time to time everyone in the kitchen would grab a couple of them and prance around for a few minutes, like complete jackasses, pretending to be riding horseback. A sight to behold.

Whenever we had a new waiter, Jimmy would like to pull a little prank. While the newby was waiting on line to get his tray filled with hot-from-the-oven hors d'oeuvres, Jimmy would pretend to be a mute, mentally disabled hunchback. He’d stoop over, knuckles dragging on the floor, bang his spatula on the table, and yell incomprehensible nonsense at the new waiter: “EEEEEEEAAAUUUUGH.” “WAAAAAAAH!! WAAAAAAAH!!” Meanwhile, the other waiters would badger the new guy: “C��mon, just do what he says!” “Hurry up!” Eventually, after much confusion, mortification, and desperate attempts to figure out what Jimmy wanted, the new guy would get his tray filled and scamper off. Of course, the next time newby came back, Jimmy would be calmly chatting with someone while dishing up the pigs-in-blankets.

Jimmy was also very tuned in musically. We had the radio going all day long. If certain songs came on (Celluloid Heroes, China Cat Sunflower/I Know You Rider, Help On the Way/Slipknot), Jimmy would hush everyone and call our attention to the Good Parts. A welcome break in the midst of chaos. 

Ernest the Chinaman

When Jimmy left, Ernest the Chinaman took over. He wasn’t Chinese, but Relampago called him “Chinee” and it caught on. Why did he call him Chinee?Because several years earlier, Relampago had worked at the Renaissance and at that time, the hors d'oeuvres chef was an Asian gentlemen. By Relampago’s logic, Ernest thus became “Chinee.” Bob Dylan said it best: “The only thing we knew for sure about Henry Porter is that his name wasn't Henry Porter.” Brownsville Girl, c. 1986. Relampago was direct from Africa, and spoke seven languages (all at the same time, it seemed) including Spanish, so all day long, we’d hear “Oye, Chinee!” 

Ernest was a prankster. He’d do this trick where he’d come at you with a two-foot long butcher knife and swing it right at your chest, until at the last minute he’s flick his wrist, and you’d get his first banging into your chest. Hysterical. He also liked to ask “Is this knife sharp?” and then quickly rub the dull edge of the blade across your upper arm.  One time he tried it with me, not realizing that he was holding a double-edge knife. There was an unexpected robust flow of blood. And that was the end of the knife pranks. Many more pranks from Ernest the Chinaman to come, however, in future blog posts. Including an epic Hot Sauce War and a Lemon Eating Contest.

[soymilkandtoast]

Hello Serah,

It’s been a while. How are you?

Today I woke up late, setting my alarm to 7:30 but forgetting to set the volume and waking up at 8:45 instead. I’m still leaving the house with wet hair and running to catch the bus in the mornings. Cleary still haven’t learned the ways of properly adulting or as a working, functioning, member of society; despite being alive for 26 years. I’ve forgotten my scarf and my Spotify playlist is recommending that I listen to Morning K-pop on my commute to work and I’m obliging. It’s one of those February mornings even though it’s March where the wind is bitingly cold, and the sky is a deceiving shade of blue.

 Working at an Islamic museum I’ve been experiencing subtle racism from visitors, having been asked multiple times by white folk where I learned my English and why do I speak so well? and whether I was born in this country or recently arrived as a refugee, and how unfortunate it is that my country is in total ruins. I’m not sure if they are genuinely ignorant that a woman with brown skin could also be Canadian by birth and (also not from Syria) who ironically works at an Islamic museum, or if they are exercising their privilege and sense of superiority with a woman of colour( given that they can disguise this racism as ignorance inside a museum.

 “If you see my friend who hasn’t arrived yet tell her I’m on the tour.”

“Of course!”

 No that wasn’t a middle of a conversation, this just happened. Who is her friend? I don’t’ know, she hasn’t arrived. Who is the lady that just said this…well i don’t know either.

My dating life has been nothing but colourful in the recent month. Last week I went to a Tiki Bar with a 27 year old cook/music producer off Tinder who’s redeeming feature was that his brother was the creator of the Simpson’s: Tapped Out! The millennial game of choice back in 2015. I remember I would play it almost religiously and advanced pretty far collecting all the little buildings until I forgot my log in information one day and had to delete the app. Who knew that one day I would be lucky enough to meet said guys brother.The bar was cheesy and gimmicky and everything you can imagine a Tiki Bar in the middle of Toronto to be. I felt like I was in one of those tv movie specials back in the 90’s and enjoyed the nostalgia of it all. The way they’d bang on this leather skinned drum after anyone ordered one of their specialty drinks. Or how the waitress in the Hawaiian shirt would emerge from the fog with huge bowls of heavenly intoxicants while the Beach Boys cover of “In the Jungle”  plays in the background(yes there was a fog machine). I’m not a cocktail girl, however, I ordered 3 cocktails that night.

 He gave me 20 dollars for the cab ride home and instead I asked the driver to drop me at the nearest station and kept the 5 extra dollars for lunch the next day. Our bill at the bar was $80 dollars and because I was late by almost 2 hours I thought the right thing to do was pay. We said our goodbyes, while the promise of never seeing each other again lingered in the air.

 “Where do I go for the tour?”

“Right at the sign that says “tours start here.”

 Anyways, I should get back to work, by work I mean giving people very obvious answers to their very obvious questions. Hope you’re doing well.

Karen.

[parentingguide8-blog]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

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30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

[adambstingus]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164620778542

[samanthasroberts]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/

[allofbeercom]

30 People Confess The Most Embarrassing Thing Their Parents Ever Did

Found on AskReddit.

1. Dad had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks.

We were having a sweet sixteen for a family friend which was a pool party and I was invited being the same age as the birthday girl, the adult had their section over by the grill (naturally) where the hot tub was well. My dad unfortunately had the task of lifeguard since he was the only one that was CPR certified for his job. When I look over, the other adults had gone in and he was alone tending the grill and keeping an eye on the 20 other teens (most of them girls) lounging and playing games in the pool. As we walks over to the other side to pick up trash or whatever one of the girls yells EWWW and points at my dad. He had a giant boner where the tip was poking out of his stupid tight swimming trunks. And I was known as the son of a pedophile. I changed schools and that was that.

2. My mom accused me of sucking dick because I had zits.

My mom just said earlier that when she was younger, shed get zits on certain parts of her face for reasonsand her brother knew. You’ve been sucking that dick, haven’t you?

3. My mother would dress me as a girl when I cried because only girls cry.

My mother would dress me as a girl when I would cry when I was around 3 years old because only girls cry.

4. Dads horseplay left me nude in front of my friends.

I believe I was in third grade when this happened. I had two of best friends to my house for a sleepover and we were doing something in the living room when it was time for dinner. My dad thought it would be funny to take me to the dining room by picking me up by my feet and carrying me upside down. The only problem was that I was wearing sweatpants and when he lifted me he was grabbing more pant than ankle. I was in the air for a few seconds before I fell out of my pants onto the floor bottomless and dazed. Out of the sweats and boxers and all. I immediately ran away, Porky Pig style to cry in private. My dad came and tried to apologize but couldn’t stop laughing. At the time it was the most embarrassed I’d ever been. In retrospecthilarious.

5. Dad danced naked and projectile-vomited at a Christmas party.

My parents would hold a Christmas cocktail party every year. One year, my parents hired my sister and my sister’s best friend, let’s call her Patty since that was her name, to act as circulating cocktail waitresses, bringing drinks and finger foods to all the guests. They probably had 20 or 25 guests.

Dad got hammered. Woo-hoo, boy-howdy D-R-U-N-K. like in the movies, lampshade on the head drunk. Mom angrily sends Dad upstairs for a while.

The master bedroom was directly over the living room. All of a sudden, the guests start hearing these…noises from right above their heads. In her annoyance, my mother sends 15yo Patty, my sister’s best friend, upstairs to check.

And she proceeds to find my father, naked as the day he was born, jumping on the bed like a hyperactive 4yo, his manhood flapping in the breeze.

“Mr. Smith, are you OK? Patty asks, shocked to her core.

“I’m ” Dad exclaims, and then goes all Regan-from- on her. Just projectile vomiting everywhere. Covered the bed, two walls, a full-length mirror…an oscillating lawn sprinkler of puke.

Patty didn’t get married until her early 40s. I am convinced this incident had an impact on that situation.

My mother and father had a passionate, tempestuous relationship. But in the 24 years they were married, I don’t think I ever saw her as angry as I saw her that night and….for like the next two months. It took some other husband in her Junior League circle of friends to get caught banging a babysitter or something for my mother to get over it. It was just….

6. They made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

Made my brother and I wear matching outfits every day until we were 11.

7. Mom is a little too open about her yeast infections.

My mom was on the phone with her doctor because she had thrush or something in her mouth. The doc said it’s probably a yeast infection. She immediately says Oh how strange. I usually get them on the other end! What the fuck, mom?

8. Mom nodded out from drugs and began snoring during my choir recital.

My mother liked drugsshe was high-functioning during the day at the time of this story but in the evening she partied. I begged her not to go to my high school freshman year Winter Concert (choir, and I had a solo). Second row there she was, positioned right in front of me with the lights from the stage illuminating her face…as she nodded out, and began to snore. I want to crawl inside of myself.

9. Mom clogged a motel toilet and bragged to the maintenance man.

My mother and I were staying at a hotel when I was around 15, and she took one of her epic dumps and clogged the toilet, so she had to call the front desk and have them send a maintenance guy. Guy walks in, he’s around 25, beautiful (of course), and my mother jokingly says to him, So now you have to guess which one of us has the huge colon.

10. They found my condoms and then gave me sex tips.

Found my condoms when they helped me move out of my freshman dorm. Then gave me sex tips.

11. My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over.

My dad used to freestyle whenever I had friends over. We are 100% white and I grew up, mostly, in the country. The one that I always remember happening was about diarrhea. Looking back though my dad was spittin hit fire in the 90s. He needs to drop a mixtape.

12. Mom would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police.

After my Dad died in 1999, my Mom went a little nutty. She would give me permission to go out with friends or to a sleep over and then report me as a missing person to the police. Do you know what it’s like to be at a sleepover and have the cops come down the driveway for you? My friend’s Dad was PISSED. And then I get home and she like Oh, I’m so glad you’re alive. The police got sick of her and I got a cellphone.

13. My parents made out with each other at a party to embarrass me.

At my fourteenth birthday party my mom was lying on the couch while my friends and I all ate pizza in the dining room. My back was to the living room so I was the only person who couldn’t see my mom. Suddenly my friends all started to giggle. I turned around to see my father slowly crawling on top of my mother to make out with her. I guess I should mention that my parents weren’t ever affectionate with one another and that this was done purposefully to embarrass me.

14. My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality.

My dad has horrible gas. HORRIBLEas in quantity and quality. I’m pretty sure he emits toxic fumes. Anyway, when I was a kid he refused to contain or excuse himself to privacy like a normal person. He perfected the skill of nonchalant farting. He swore if he acted normal, no one would know he had passed gas. The icing was that he told a select few family and friends about this habit, so he knew those people would fidget and get uncomfortable when they realized he had dropped a stealth bomb; their uneasiness would make other people think they were the offender and not him. Needless to say, it was very embarrassing, but my dad was calm enough about it thatyes, people would often carry on like they didn’t smell it. This went on for years. My mom got sick when I was pretty young. She had early onset Alzheimer’s which for her meant she had no filter for many years prior to her diagnosis. So she started calling my dad out whenever he did it. Loudly. It was horriblehorrible to be the child of the man who is constantly farting around other people and the woman who shouted at him to shame him for doing it. In hindsight it’s kind of funny.

15. Dad ran away screaming from a mall interviewer.

Was with my dad at the mall, and you know the people who approach you to answer the surveys?? Well, this lady picked the wrong person, AKA my dad.

Sir, do you have time to answer some questions?

(Screams at the top of his lungs, puts up his hood and screams NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOO, while running away)

Leaving me there like.

16. There mom was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage.

Some backstory to add to how embarrassed I felt. My mother’s family was working class, many of which were trashy. My mother was clearly one of the trashy ones. My fathers family were immigrants, but all became wealthy somewhat early on and were a bit more refined. Anyway, not that important, but basically there was just this perceived dynamic that my mom was trashy and me and my brothers were always self-conscious about that.

So fast-forward a few years, my parents split up. In a few years my mom gets pregnant. Which you know was to he expected honestly. But then because she is aware of how my father’s family (who were grew up with more, and were still very close with) viewed her. So she knew this was just going to be icing on the cake for them. She basically decided to deny the pregnancy. No problem, right? If she wants to buy herself a month or two, go ahead.

Well, my genius mom decided she was going to deny the pregnancy the whole way through. How would she handle the birth of the twins she was carrying? She had no clue, till this day we have no idea what she thought she was going to do.

But basically she forced us to play along and waited until she was 5 months pregnant, and huuuuge to finally admit (basically my dad just said to her we all know and have known for a month at least) it.

But yea there she was, waddling around with this massive stomach talking about having too much gas, and calling my Dad’s new girlfriend a whore for being in a relationship outside of marriage. Speaking about it now, it’s the funniest thing I have ever heard ofbut at the time I felt immense shame.

17. My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

My parents, who were quite conservative, took 12-year-old me to see a production of My mother elbowed me in the ribs and stated, This is the nude scene.

18. In front of my football team, Mom yelled, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back.

When I was 13 years old my mother dropped me off for football practice and when I was getting out of the car she said love you. wanting to look cool in front of my friends I didnt say it back, she said it again and I had joined my friends and closed the door. So of course the only logical thing to do was roll down the window and yell at the top of her lungs, BYE JACOB, MOMMY LOVES YOU and wouldnt leave until I said love you back. What a nightmare.

19. My dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python.

Not really a specific time, but when my friends come over (or any time really), my dad sits on the couch in his underwear while typing on his MacBook and quoting Monty Python. After a while of this, he will pick up his over 80-year-old saxophone and proceed to blast everyone’s eardrums with his improv jazz. Embarrassed me as a kid, but now I have the most chill dad out of my friends.

20. Mom put the ‘sag’ on in front of our whole school.

7th grade story. My mom hated the whole sagging-your-pants fad and threatened to sag her pants in front of my whole school if i continued to do it. Fast-forward to a nice and busy morning in the parking lot in front of the school where students were dropped off. I get out of the car, pants sagging along. She screams out the window to pull up my pants. I pretend like I dont hear her. She honks 5+ times to have everyones attention and proceeds to get out with her sweat pants down below her ass cheeks, granny panties flopping in the wind walking like a duck all while yelling mijo look! Needless to say I never sagged my pants again.

21. My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants.

My mom complains about food to the staff in restaurants. The last time we ate she ordered fish and chips, she told the waiter it looks like it’s from McDonald’s. It makes me cringe inside forever.

22. My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication.

My mom showed up to my school while I was in class to scold me for forgetting to take me ADHD medication. Like full-on screaming while I sat silently in horror while my classmates laughed. She interrupted an entire class to do this. To paint a better picture, my mom is like Lois from

23. My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it.

My dad pushed me off my scooter in the middle of the high street and rode off on it. He also put rap music on his car and sang along with the windows open through the town

24. Dad was a snoring/farting machine.

My dad had a form of narcolepsy; he slept everywhere he went, people would stare at him all the time. The embarrassing part of this is, when he was asleep, he would let huge farts rip with no shame sometimes. I do miss him, though, even though he was a snoring/farting machine. To be more descriptive, imagine sitting in a crowded doctors waiting room or some other such public places. Your father is sitting next to you, sawing logs as loud as he can, all of a sudden he leans over and lets one rip. Simultaneously he lets out a loud AWWWWWWWWWWW to trumpet his ass-jiggling flatulence. Then in the end none of this would wake him up.

25. On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period.

TMI incoming…On the phone with my friend and my dad comes into my room to scream at me for getting period blood on my panties….after my very first period. My friend on the phone heard everything and i couldnt even bear to keep talking, so i just hung up.

26. Dad made his butt talk in front of my friends.

I was watching TV with some friends, and my dad came out of his room, stood in front of the TV with his back to us, pulled his shorts down to expose his butt, and grabbed his butt cheeks to make them talk and say I have bad breath.

27. My grandpa would insult other kids out loud during baseball games.

Not my parents, but at my brother’s baseball games my grandpa will sit in the bleachers and insult the other kids out loud, oftentimes to the parents of those children themselves. Examples include _____ is such a fuckin’ jerk or He’d be a good first baseman if he didn’t suck tits.

28. My father wore a “Huggies #1” hat because he knew it embarrassed his sons.

My father wore a Huggies #1 hat, like the diaper brand, that he found on the side of the road. He wore it whenever he went anywhere with me or my bros for a few years.

He did it solely because he knew it embarrassed his boys. He loved trolling us.

It’s now in his garage collecting dust, and I want it… but he won’t let me have it because it’s his favorite hat.

Oh, and he did wear it again recently when we went pier fishing on a visit. Still embarrassing, but I see the humor now, too.

29. Mom yells at retail workers.

Im always humiliated when my mom yells at retail workers…or waiters…she seems to have no concept of when a problem is actually someone’s fault or not. Like, the lady behind the cash register has no control over the irregular sizing of the Old Navy jeans.

30. My dad mowed the lawnWITH me.

My dad is a bit of a control freak, especially so about his lawn and garden. My father didn’t make me mow the lawn. I was not ALLOWED to. To be totally honest, by and large he didn’t like the idea of teaching me how to do any man stuff, he’d prefer to just do it and be done with it. I am a super-advanced flashlight holder and beer fetcher, though.

One summer he had reconstructive shoulder surgery. Dad, come on, you can’t be pushing the mower around with your arm in a sling. It isn’t rocket science. I am happy to do it for you.

He hemmed and hawed for awhile but finally conceded I would probably have to do it. He gave me the the super-complicated instructions of pull cord, push around in straight line before doing the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done to me.

He walked with me, his good hand on the mower, for the entire duration of mowing his front and back lawn.

I was like 26 at the time. TWENTY-SIX.

I was married and living on my own at the time. Also I am a dude.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/26/30-people-confess-the-most-embarrassing-thing-their-parents-ever-did/