#Her not wanting summer to end is so real id do the exact same if that was me at that age I'd do the same

[duckduckngoose]

finally watching gravity falls s2 and Mabel I love you so much you can do nothing wrong ever

[rookthorne]

⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐓𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

Bucky being a nurse meant that he knew of many ailments, as well as how to treat or cure them. It was just your luck that he knew exactly how to take care of you, in every way you needed him to.

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 ღ Nurse!Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 ��� 1.8k

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ღ Fluff ჻჻჻ SMUT: Thigh riding, Soft Dom!Bucky ჻჻჻ KINKS: Praise, daddy, uniform

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 ღ Y'all can thank @smutconnoisseur for this, and this ask. It's all her fault — I am innocent in this.

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 ღ Say It Right by Nelly Furtado

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 ღ @buckybarnesevents Hot Bucky Summer ჻჻჻ Week 3 — In My Lap — Masterlist ღ @mcukinkbingo 𝗕𝟭 — Character dresses in uniform — Masterlist

𝐀 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐨 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

There had been an itch under your skin all day – hours on end of feeling restless, misplaced, and yearning for something. It had worsened tenfold the moment Bucky had walked out to leave for work, his bag slung over his shoulder, dressed in scrubs and his long hair tied back in a ponytail that rested against the back of his neck. It was training day, a small relief where you knew he would be working at a normal pace, and not go to super soldier lengths.

“Catch you when I get back, sweetheart,” Bucky had said, parting with a chaste kiss to your lips and a small smile. “Behave.”

You sent him away with a simple, “Stay safe, babe,” and that was that.

That was forever ago, and Bucky was due home any moment. You were waiting, quite desperately, to hear the sound of his shoes on the landing of the front door. The sound of Bucky’s bag shifting on his shoulder sounded far too real, and close. Perking up from your perch on the couch, you realised something – that wasn’t in your head, those sounds were at the door. 

He was home. 

“Hey, baby- Whoa!” Bucky rushed, catching you in his arms as you slammed into his chest. “Holy shit, sweetheart–are you alright?”

In lieu of an answer, you crashed your lips against his. The urge to pour your need into it overpowered your sense of rationality, but Bucky only kissed back after dropping his bag to pull you closer. 

“Ba- Wait, hang on,” he gasped, his breath fanning over your lips. “What is this? Are you alright?”

You nodded and groped for Bucky’s hand, pulling it along as you stepped into the living room. “Need you,” you mumbled.

Realisation dawned in Bucky’s darkening eyes. “You need me, huh?” he mused, stopping short. “Let me get outta these scrubs- What?”

At his words, you shook your head and glanced up and down his body. The shoes he was wearing were long discarded by the door, and the light blue scrub pants – they hugged his thighs, just shy of too tight, and the matching light blue scrub shirt pulled taut across his chest when he inhaled, or moved his arms. His clip on ID tag rustled against the fabric with every shift of the fabric, and the sleeves showed off his biceps. The very same arms that held you as you broke and pulled you back together, the exact same arms that he used to selflessly care for others, day in, and day out. 

You couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Keep them on,” you whispered, and Bucky’s eyes widened slightly. “Y-You look–” The sudden stutter frustrated you beyond belief, but you barrelled on, fuelled by the patient, soft gaze Bucky gave you. “You look good in them, please don’t take them off.”

Bucky chuckled and shook his head, stepping into your space to brush your cheek with his thumb. “Is that so? That’s what you want?” 

You couldn’t decipher his intentions with his guarded expression, but the blue of his eyes was rapidly disappearing behind the black of his pupils. Taking a step closer, you took Bucky’s thumb into your mouth, nodding slowly. 

“Oh, baby girl,” Bucky breathed, biting his lips. “Y’know I’d do anything for you–I’ll keep ‘em on, especially since you asked so nicely, huh?”

“Thank you,” you whispered – grateful for his understanding. “Please, need–”

“Panties off. C’mon,” Bucky interrupted, moving to the couch and sitting down heavily, a low groan in his throat that shot straight between your thighs. The fabric of the scrubs hugged his thighs so tightly as he spread his legs, you were shocked they didn’t split the seam. He cleared his throat and you glanced up, not realising you had been openly staring, when he slapped his thigh. “Sit down–right here, sweetheart.” 

“Okay,” you replied, pulling off your panties before you climbed into his lap, just as he asked. “This is… strange.”

Bucky chuckled and moved his hands to rest on your hips, a brow raised in question. “Strange?”

“Haven’t really… been in this position, before,” you mumbled, a stab of insecurity tampering the flames. “That’s all. And your thighs are fucking huge.” They were – your own legs had to stretch a decent amount to sit comfortably down on the corded muscle that kept twitching and tensing as he started to laugh. 

“My thighs are huge, huh?” Bucky mused, his gaze flickering between your eyes and lips. “You know I have to make sure they’re the best seat in the house for my girl, right? You have to be comfortable.”

The two of you started to laugh again, the tension and awkwardness vanishing in an instant. A comfortable silence settled as you stared at him, biting your lip from nerves. “Kiss me,” Bucky said suddenly, pulling your face to his by the back of your neck.

Your lips met his softly, a gentle kiss that deepened when he swiped his tongue over your lip, asking to explore, and you granted it. An urge to move – get closer – overcame you and you shifted, eliciting a quiet gasp of shock when the pressure against your bare cunt became much firmer. Bucky pulled back and grinned. “That feel good, baby?”

“Y-Yeah,” you rushed, looking at him while furrowing your brows. “I didn’t think it would, I mean–”

“Shh,” Bucky soothed, and his hands tightened on your hips. “I’m going to take control, and you just let yourself feel, alright, sweetheart? Let daddy take care of you–make you feel good.”

The air left your lungs sharply as his words cascaded over you, sweeping you away from the anxiety and nerves of being in unfamiliar territory. “Okay,” you murmured, and Bucky smiled softly. 

“Thank you, my pretty girl,” Bucky praised, and his hands pulled you forward, the drag of his clothes against your bare clit made you shiver, your hands instinctively flying to Bucky’s broad shoulders to ground yourself. “Gonna go back now…”

A quiet moan fell from your lips at the sensation. “Oh, wow,” you giggled. 

“Want me to go faster, baby?” He sounded amused – smug bastard, you thought.

You nodded quickly, gripping the fabric of his shirt tight in your fists. “Please.”

“Alright, hold tight–you can pull my hair if you want, too,” Bucky offered, and it was your turn to raise a brow at him, though your hand moved to his messy ponytail anyway, freeing it so it fell to his shoulders. He kissed you quickly and you sighed against his lips. “Thank you, baby,” he murmured. 

Slowly, Bucky moved you back and forth, each pass over his thigh a little faster than the last, and every small whimper was met with praise and a kiss to your neck. “So pretty like this, baby girl,” Bucky said, his words ghosting over your skin as he pulled you down harder around his thigh. “Think you can come like this, all over my scrubs? Make a fuckin’ mess?”

“Feels s’good,” you moaned, pulling at his hair and fisting his shirt. “Don’t stop, please, please- Daddy, fuck–”

“I won’t, jus’ feel for me, sweetheart,” Bucky groaned, his hands moving you faster so your moans became high pitched and wanton. “Such a good girl for me, so fuckin’ dirty too–look at you.”

Pleasure burned through every nerve and your breath hitched, the feeling of being pulled under approaching faster than you had ever experienced – was it that this position was entirely new and vulnerable? Was it the fact that you were ruining his uniform with slick and he was encouraging it?

Your jaw fell slack when Bucky sped up his hands, your hips now rocking back and forth steadily with slicked ease. The sudden urge to look down into his lap overwhelmed you, and you did, moaning loudly at the sight – a large wet patch had formed over the top of his thigh, spreading down the sides the more you moved. “Oh, god, daddy–”

“Yeah, baby girl, that’s all you,” Bucky breathed, his voice hitching on a moan when you fisted his hair through a harsh rock of your hips. “Look at the fuckin’ mess you’ve made on me, sweetheart–fuckin’ look at it.”

“I am, oh fuck, I am-” A choked off moan fell from your lips when a sharp stab of sensation shot through your clit. “Please, please!”

Bucky grinned at you and somehow moved his hands even faster – he was revelling in the high whine that built in your throat from the pace. “You wanna come?”

“Mhm, mhm,” you hiccuped, flexing your hands again in Bucky’s hair to hear a quiet hiss at the sharp sting. “I’m close!”

“Give it to me, then, baby,” Bucky growled, his tone dark and his eyes even darker. “Let go, soak my fuckin’ thigh, sweetheart, now.”

Bucky’s words washed over you and forced you under, your back bowing and pushing your chest into his face, his pace never faltering as you crested through your climax – toes curling next to his knees and hands gripping tighter than iron in his hair and shirt. “Coming! ‘M coming!”

“Good girl! That’s it, let it out, c’mon,” Bucky cooed, slowing down as you began to twitch and shake. “Did so well for me, sweetheart, so good for me.”

“Bucky,” you sighed, slumping in his hold as the frenetic and desperately energy that had you in its grip all day ebbed away. 

“C’mere,” Bucky murmured, and he pulled you into his chest, wrapping his arms around your back to embrace you tightly. “You with me, baby?”

“Yeah,” you murmured. Your limbs felt loose and your mind floaty, but much calmer and quieter. “Sorry I jumped you, couldn’t help it.”

A laugh shook Bucky’s shoulders, and he squeezed you, before placing a soft kiss on your temple. “Not gonna lie, baby, but if that’s the greetin’ I get every time I walk through that door, you’ll not find me complainin’–not one bit.”

“And I ruined your scrubs…” You mumbled sheepishly, shuddering at the feel of wet fabric between your thighs. 

“I’ll let you in on a secret, sweetheart,” Bucky replied, and he moved you off his chest to look you in the eye. His gaze was heated, and if you weren’t still recovering from your climax, you would have begun to grind in earnest. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, and you better fuckin’ do it again–you got no idea how you make me feel when you’re like that. And, baby,” he murmured as you bowed your head in a sudden, overwhelming shyness. His fingers tipped your chin back up so you could see his soft smile. “Daddy loves the way you make him feel–don’t you dare stop.”

Bucky surged forward and kissed you hungrily, and with that, you fell pliant in his arms once again.

⠈⠂⠄ 𝐢𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐱 | 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 | 𝐚𝐨𝟑 ⠄⠂⠁

⠈⠂⠄ 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ⠄⠂⠁

[isolemnlyswearpevensie]

Hot Chocolate in the Summer | Sirius Black x Reader

Warnings: None 

Era: Marauders era (Graduated)

Word Count: 1k

Summary: On a brisk summer evening, Y/N and Sirius reminisce about their past 

Request: A Sirius black x reader when you and Sirius get married and/or have a child together right after Hogwarts

A/N: First Harry Potter imagine on this blog! Yay! I hope you enjoy <3

Masterlist | read on ao3

Being a young father wasn’t what Sirius imagined when he thought about his life plan. Y/N wasn’t either if he was being completely honest. He always imagined himself a young bachelor who would charm bartenders out of free drinks or ride around his motorcycle until dawn with no hesitation. That all shifted when he met the love of his life during his fifth year. 

Sirius didn’t pay attention to people outside of his house, or, really, anyone outside of his close circle of friends. His friends were his world, and other relationships outside of the circle were jeopardizing. A new clique member could throw off the dynamic, and if worst comes to worst, break up the tight bonds they had. Sirius was not about to let that happen because he was dating some silly girl. 

In Herbology, debatably Sirius’ least favorite class, he was paired up with Y/N for a project. He had been partnered with James originally, but they goofed off in class, broke four pots, and lost the privilege to even look at each other. Y/N was the best in the class and was very well behaved, so naturally, Sirius was stuck with her. 

He thought she was shallow at first; just a know-it-all that would boss him around and get under his skin. But, as they worked together, he discovered that she was the exact opposite of that. She was sweet, funny, sarcastic, and most of all, smart. Y/N was muggleborn, yet she came to Hogwarts knowing more about the school than Sirius did. How she knew, Sirius didn’t know, but it was still impressive. Not to mention, they shared a ton of the same interests. Y/N’s father was an auto mechanic and when he showed her his bike for the first time, she knew the exact model. I helped Dad work on one of these last summer, she explained. 

The real test before asking her out, though, was how James reacted to her. James was the end-all-be-all opinion. Y/N had the boy wrapped around her finger within three minutes of meeting him. Sirius asked her to Hogsmede right then and there.

Their wedding had been quaint; only friends and Y/N’s immediate family. The meadow they chose to get married in was bustling with life, whether that was clovers and dandelions, or bumblebees and wildflowers. A nearby stream could be heard from the reception, as could frogs, and lightning bugs lit up the venue when it got dark. It was simple, fresh, and beautiful. Y/N had a gorgeous, flowing dress and a flower bouquet of sunflowers and red roses. Sirius wore a red bowtie. It was the perfect wedding to start a perfect marriage. 

Except, it wasn’t perfect. Six months after their wedding, the couple had discovered that Y/N was pregnant. The two had spoken about kids previously, but they had decided to wait many years until they started a family. They had plans to travel, to see the world, and be happy-go-lucky young adults. After many evenings of discussing what to do, the happy couple decided to be the best, most badass parents a kid could have. Not long after Sirius and Y/N, James and Lily announced that they would also be having a child. That meant the new additions to the marauders would have a built-in best friend, and that made the couples happy. While the timing wasn’t the best, due to the war, at least they weren’t alone. 

On May 15th, 1980, Y/N gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Ellie Marlene Black. She looked exactly like Sirius, with hints of Y/N. It was love at first sight for Sirius and when Y/N saw him hold her for the first time, she knew that Ellie would be daddy’s little girl. 

~

“Who knew it got cold at night,” Y/N said one summer evening as she rocked her daughter. Her and her husband were standing on their porch watching the sunset; Sirius sat comfortably in a chair with his legs spread out while Y/N paced. Ellie wasn’t falling asleep. Instead, she tugged at Y/N’s hair. 

“Well, it tends to do that every day, love,” Sirius answered, sipping on a beer and watching his girls with an amused look on his face. 

“I didn’t ask for sass, mister.” Y/N continued to bounce the one-and-then-some-year-old. 

“Ah, come on, darling. Give it up, she’s not going down.”

“Gid id up! Daddy!” Ellie reached her grubby fists towards Sirius. Sirius scooped her up and blew a raspberry on her tummy. 

“Yeah, that’s right! Give it up, Mama!” Sirius situated Ellie on his hip and kissed her cheek. 

It was interesting seeing him interact with Ellie. Here Sirius was, barely 21 with long hair, a leather jacket, piercings, and tattoos, holding a toddler that absolutely adored him. The contrast was insane. It was especially odd seeing them together when Y/N visited him at work. Sirius was an apprentice at a magical tattoo parlor in Diagon Alley, so it was always fun watching the customers’ reaction to Ellie’s precious deminer. 

“I’m going to go make us a treat, babe.” Y/N calls, opening their screendoor and walking back into their kitchen. Sirius hummed in response. A few minutes later, Y/N returns with two mugs of hot chocolate. 

“Baby, it’s the middle of August.” Ellie’s head was starting to droop and her thumb was in her mouth. 

“Yeah, so? It’s cold outside. Do you want it or not?” Y/N’s smiled ear to ear. 

“I never said I didn’t want it,” Sirius remarked back, taking the cocoa from his wife and taking a sip. The warm liquid warmed his body and left him feeling a little groggy. He stared lovingly at his wife. How did he get so lucky?

“You’re so beautiful, my love.” Sirius comments, taking a sip of the cocoa again. “You’re such a good mom, too. Ellie adores you. I adore you.”

This made Y/N flush a deep red. No matter how many times he compliments her, she still feels like the nervous school girl who was paired to do a project with him. How far they’ve come since then.

“You’re the amazing one. You work two jobs to support us...I can’t even imagine how hard that is. And the Order is so dangerous-”

“It’s all worth it to see the my two girls so happy.” Ellie was now asleep on Sirius’ chest. Her thumb was placed in her mouth and her body was limp. 

“I love you, Sirius.”

“I love you even more, my love.”

[artangel3993]

this is pt 2 of this drabble and it wont rlly make sense w/o it!  time 4 violet. cw for i mean general fuckery that is conditionally present in the box boy universe, contracts n ownership discussed, also mention of drugs

the inspiration for the setting of the underground military bunker turned psychedelic warehouse is from a real case that was i think still the largest lsd bust in the 2000s which is neat. drug history! that link has pics of the actual bunker too and im p sure vice also did a documentary on it, its a really interesting case! anyways i just want to get to bunker time so i can introduce poppy bc i love her. 

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Safiya could not, for the life of her, figure out what the fuck was wrong with this algorithm. She kept running it through her IDE over and over, checked all the spellings of the variables, and it still wouldn’t run the way she needed it to, or be a functional block of code in any way, intended or not (she got that sometimes, when a program would run but it would do something completely fucking different than her intentions.) She dragged her hands down her eyes, and took another long sip of her energy drink. She hadn’t slept in two days and she was still behind on her end of the code for her company’s new game- which fucking sucked, but at the same time, Saf liked the challenge, the conflict. Having something to do. Vi left her with enough money that she’d never have to work a day in her life again and still be fine, but she was good at game development- well. Not right now, but in general. Right now, she was about to ring whoever invented C++ by the neck.

Safiya was set up at the table by the kitchen, hosting her computer, a jumble of folders and piles of unorganized papers, at least three finished Monster’s scattered in between it all, and herself: wrapped in a knitted blanket, the monitor’s blue light bathing her dark skin. Summer was a couple steps away on the couch, lying down on her stomach and watercoloring, her legs idly kicking this way and that in the air (when Saf was working, Summer liked to create with her, she’d put on one of Saf’s records and make all kinds of art in a concentrated, comfortable silence, but watercoloring was always her favorite. Sometimes she’d give Saf painted pictures of the characters in whatever game she was working on, which made Saf smile like an idiot every time and put them someplace safe.) There were still wildflowers and weeds weaved into Summer’s golden hair, mud caking her tennis shoes laid forgotten by the door, and a soft smile on her face; all clues that made Saf infer she’d probably been out in the garden this morning that Summer had recently started. Saf had a lot of land extending from the cottage she’d never explored and left wholly wild and uncared for, so Summer kind of took over. 

Now when Saf looked out one of the front windows, there were all kinds of flowers lining the house, fluffy bumblebees laying on their petals, the beginnings of an apple tree supported by two wooden poles on either side as big as the sapling was. Once, she got dressed in all of her protective clothing because Summer asked if she could bring her outside and show her the full tour, just to see her get excited talking about all the different seeds she’d planted, her plans to tie a swing to the big oak tree out front. Safiya, in those moments, felt like she knew Summer, really. Felt like she knew what she could do to keep her in that good place, and even if she still slipped into being far away, Saf could handle it.

(There were other kinds of days, too, when Summer felt like a completely different person and Safiya was out kicking in the fucking deep end with no understanding of what to do, if anything she could do would make a difference anyways. Sometimes Summer wouldn’t talk for days. Sometimes, she’d sit poised and elegant- on the couch or the rocking chair or her bed in what used to be the spare room- for hours and hours and hours with the only movement being her blinking every so often, her face otherwise looked like it was as trapped in a pose as the rest of her. Safiya would try sitting down with her, and talking as quiet and gentle as her voice would allow, ask her if she was alright, if she wanted to maybe stand up with her and they could take a little walk around the rooms of the cottage, maybe, or- or Saf could put on all of her gear and they could go outside together- take my hand, everything’s okay, you’re safe I promise- but Summer would be unresponsive at that point, staring straight ahead, and Safiya would realize just how fucking unqualified she was to try and help her at all.)

Safiya fell out of her thoughts as the record Summer put on got caught in a groove, and started repeating the same chord over and over. Summer’s head peeked up from the couch, and she walked over to the record player, delicately flipping the vinyl and motioning towards putting it back onto the player.

She never got the chance, though. The front door made a clicking sound, the hinges sighed, and Violet Lowe was standing in the doorframe. Summer dropped the vinyl and it shattered. 

“I thought I changed my locks.” Safiya didn’t move from where she spoke.

Violet shrugged. “You did.” There was quiet. She closed the door behind her to keep the light out.

Safiya stood up, her blanket dropping to the floor, and she felt stupid for being in her sweats and a pair of fucking crocs because it would be really great if she was anything close to intimidating right now. Still, she walked over to Vi, putting herself in between her and Summer. 

Safiya intended to say a lot of things to her, everything that had been boiling in her mind since the morning Vi left and didn’t come back, insults and how could yous and I deserve better than thats. Instead, this is what came out: “I missed you, Vi. So much.” If, Saf thought, she was just a little less emotionally stunted, there’d be tears in her eyes. She really thought Vi wasn’t going to come back this time.

Violet smiled, but it was unreadable behind her sunglasses. She was definitely selling again, it showed in the gold and silver coiling around her fingers in serpentine rings and  dripping down her neck, contrasted starkly against her black cocktail dress. She had new heeled boots that made her stand almost as tall as Summer was, their glossy cold-black finish the exact same shade as her perfectly maintained bob. “I know you missed me. It’s why I came back.”

“Where have you been selling?” Saf knew Vi had friends in the business with mansions up and down the west coast they’d hop around, going from city to city giving out all kinds of compounds and getting rich as fuck in the process, living like psychedelic royalty. But this felt different, she’d been gone for too long.

Vi shook her head. “Not selling. Manufacturing. That’s where the real money is. We don’t have to move around, either, we bought this underground military bunker-”

“A bunker. An underground military bunker.” How the fuck do you just buy an underground military bunker.

Vi mhm’d impatiently, as if she was puzzled as to Saf not being able to keep up. “It used to be for large weapons storage, but it got auctioned off. One of the smartest decisions me and Nic ever made.” Sometimes Saf didn’t recognize the names Vi would rattle off, but Nic, Nic she knew from the one time she’d been with Saf while she was away on her business trips. She swallowed the memories she, frankly, could not be less prepared to deal with, back down.

Violet took Safiya’s hands in hers, the cold metal of her rings making imprints against Saf’s fingers. “Saf, Elana’s making psychoactive compounds nobody’s even theorized about before, with the amount of privacy we have there. You understand? We’re about to change the drug underbelly of this entire nation. And I want you there with me.”

“I’d go with you?” Vi’d never offered to take her with, ever since everything happened that summer, with her Vi, Elana and Nic. Safiya looked back at Summer in her floral sundress (she only wore that one on days when she was feeling good, Saf knew it was her favorite,) who at that point had pressed herself against the wall, standing straight and dead silent, staring at the both of them, her face unreadably calm to most, but Saf knew she only disconnected like that when she was fucking terrified. The record was still in pieces on the ground. With both eyes on her, Summer peeled herself off of the wall and hurriedly started picking up the shattered bits. Safiya moved towards her, breaking Vi’s grip. “It’s alright, Summer, I’ve got this, don’t worry about it-”

“Summer?” Vi said behind her, and Safiya realized just how badly she does not want these two people in her life to interact ever. Fuck. “It suits her so well. How have you liked my birthday present for you so far?”

Safiya stomped back up to Violet, and in a whisper edging on a growl, “We are not doing this right now Vi.” Saf would make grave eye contact with her if it weren’t for the fact that Vi still had her fucking shades on. 

“Now, if you had such a problem with my generosity, she’d be gone by now, wouldn’t she?” And then, after a moment, she added: “Stop acting like a saint, Safiya. You’ve never been a good liar.”

The room buzzed with the echo of her words, and Safiya stood there, quiet, for a dragged out moment, trying to think of some way to spit back at her. It didn’t happen. With the most calm face she can put on right now, she turned back to Summer. “Summer, maybe you should... go outside, for a little bit. I’ll tell you when I’ve shown Violet out.” She makes those last words taste like venom, matter-of-fact, so Vi can hear her anger. 

“No, she can stay.”

Summer stopped dead in her tracks. Looking at the fear in her eyes, that sinking look that overpowered any kind of calm Summer usually had when Saf was there, Saf knew she was lost. Summer was listening to Vi, now, all Vi, the kind of gone Saf was all too familiar with people getting under Vi’s words.

“Anyways,” Vi said, a tad annoyed, as if all of that had just been a mere blip in the conversation, turning her head to address Saf, “yes, you’re coming with. You’d be safe in the bunker, I made sure of it. All of your special lights. I want…. I want you there. With me.”

If this had been in literally any other context, Safiya would’ve smiled at Vi’s effort to communicate her feelings, Saf had been with her for years and she knew how hard it was for her to even understand her own emotions, much less say them out loud. But she was pissed at her, and she was going to hold onto that feeling for as long as she could to make her feel worse. “Summer stays here.” There was no way in hell she was going to let Summer anywhere near Vi’s fucked up drug empire. 

Vi just fucking shrugged. “She’s coming.”

Saf charged at her again, pointing an accusing finger at her and getting close enough until it buried into the fabric of Vi’s dress. “You can act like I’m as fucked up as you are but I would never trust her with your or your f-”

Vi smiled, and batted Saf’s hand off of her as if she was a somewhat disinterested cat. “Let me rephrase that. My name is on her contract. She’s coming.”

[chasholidays]

Bellarke AU for To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before!!!!!! Pretty please! Thank you for doing this every year, you’re the greatest!

when I wake up in the morning and post this, it will be my 500th t100 fic on AO3, so that’s a cool milestone

Bellamy Blake does not identify as “good at feelings.”

Well, okay, that’s not entirely true. Realistically speaking, he gets that he’s better with feelings than a lot of people, especially in the teenage boy demographic. He’s empathetic and fairly good at helping other people through their own emotional issues. It’s more that he’s bad with his own feelings, especially romantic ones. He’s bad at developing feelings for appropriate and realistic people, he’s bad at dealing with those feelings, and he’s bad at getting over those feelings.

Which is how he came up with the letter thing in the first place. He’d had a stupid, incoherent crush on Clarke Griffin which was bad before she started dating Lexa Commodore, and once that happened, he felt not only annoyed but actively like an asshole about it.

So he wrote a letter, explaining how he’d come to like her–one stupid kiss in one stupid game of spin-the-bottle–and all the reasons he really shouldn’t like her, starting with how they couldn’t stop fighting and ending with the way she was possibly not even into guys and he should respect that, covering pages of ground between the two.

It wasn’t a particularly good letter, but it was a great way to purge his feelings, and over the next few years, any time he caught himself watching the curve of Clarke’s smile or agreeing with her in a debate for once, he’d go home, read the letter, and remember all the very good reasons he didn’t have a crush on her anymore.

It worked so well that he did another one explaining to himself why just because he and Echo Argent made out at one debate-club tournament, it did not mean they were going start a functional long-distance relationship, and then another reminding himself that John Murphy was weirdly attractive but it would absolutely never work between them.

And then his last, for Nathan Miller, which really only needed one reason: he was dating Monty.

He came up with other reasons too, obviously, but Miller dating his foster brother was the biggest one. He could get over the fact that Miller is one of his best friends–that’s a plus, mostly–and get over the fact that Miller was kind of a crutch after his mom died when his whole life was in chaos. After all, he’s doing a lot better now. Monty’s family is great, Octavia’s largely stable, his life is in order. But Monty and Miller are together, and that means he will not and cannot have a thing for Miller.

Which is why the two of them breaking up is so catastrophic, and why he goes to find the letters in the first place. There was probably some valid reason to not like Miller somewhere in there. Once he gets going, he can usually keep going for a while; his letter to Clarke was like five pages long, and turned into, not to be too Hamilton about it, an itemized list of thirty years of disagreements.

So all he has to do is reread the letter, and he’ll remember all the good reasons that Monty and Miller breaking up doesn’t mean his Miller thing is allowed to come back. He can even add a post-script: siblings’ significant others are off limits, even after they break up. That seems like a good rule. If he was dating someone and they broke up, he’d think it was weird if Octavia or Monty picked them up on the rebound.

He’s working through the exact wording of the planned post-script when he realizes that he can’t find the box of letters, and his whole body goes cold.

His first, obviously incorrect, thought is that he misplaced it during the move to the Greens’ house, but he wrote the Miller letter after that, and then he put it in the box with the other letters, and put the box in the corner of his closet. He’d even brought it down about a couple months ago to reread the Clarke letter again after they were in the same group for an English project and it went really well. He remembers thinking about editing it, since she’s single again and he knows she IDs as bisexual, but it didn’t seem particularly important.

“Must have moved it somewhere this weekend,” he mutters. Monty was getting packed for his semester abroad, and it was a good excuse for everyone to reorganize and purge.

But he turns the room upside down and finds nothing, ends up sneaking into Monty’s empty room next to make sure it didn’t end up in there somehow. He doesn’t look inside anything, doesn’t violate privacy any more than he has to, but if his foster brother somehow ended up with a box that contained a “why I don’t have a thing for your ex-boyfriend anymore, really” letter, Bellamy needs to know that.

Of course, even though the box isn’t in Monty’s room, he could have taken it with him for his semester abroad. But if he did, there’s no way of knowing that, so Bellamy lets it go, tries not to think about the box stowing away in Monty’s luggage. It’s got to be somewhere in his own room, he just hasn’t figured out where yet.

He goes on not telling himself that right up until Wednesday morning, when Murphy leans against his locker to say, “You’re right, it never would have worked between us.”

“What,” he says, flat.

“It’s a little weird to send a whole letter about it, especially when I never asked if you wanted to fuck me, but I guess it was cool to find out you were thinking about it. Even if you decided to give it a pass.”

Bellamy’s stomach drops so low it feels like it’s actually left his body. He looks up at Murphy, sees he’s got the letter in his hand, the familiar envelope the most horrifying thing Bellamy has ever seen.

“What the fuck,” he says.

“That was my reaction, yeah.”

“Seriously, where did you get that, Murphy?”

He rolls his eyes. “In the mail, where else would I get it? It’s a letter.” His eyes flick up and down Bellamy. “You actually wrote it, huh?”

“It was a moment of weakness. I wouldn’t fuck you if you paid me.”

“That’s cool, I’ve got better things to do with my money anyway.”

“Glad we’re on the same page,” he says, and then he sees Clarke, down the hall at her own locker. She’s watching him, and he realizes, rapidly, that if Murphy got a letter, Clarke probably got a letter, and Miller got a letter, and his whole life is going to unravel very, very rapidly. “I gotta go,” he says, and ducks into the men’s bathroom before Clarke can come his way.

Murphy’s not a real problem; he and Bellamy aren’t friends, he was never a real crush, and he’s got a girlfriend now. He thought it was funny, but it’s not going to go anywhere else. Echo isn’t either, she lives on the other side of the state, and even if she gets the letter, they don’t really have a relationship to ruin.

Which leaves him with two crises: Clarke and Miller.

Clarke’s the less obvious but more pressing problem, as she’s in his grade and a lot of his classes, including his first-period history class. Miller’s a year younger than the two of them, so Bellamy won’t see him until after school, if not later. He can avoid Miller.

Unless he cuts class, he has to see Clarke. And his letter to her is definitely rough. He can’t imagine she needs a list of reasons they’ll never work, and it’s been years since that stupid spin-the-bottle kiss, at this point. She’ll probably figure out that something weird happened, but he can’t imagine she’s just going to let it go.

And then, miraculously, she does. She doesn’t look at him in history, or in English. He skips lunch because he and Miller have the same lunch period that day and doesn’t talk to Clarke through two more classes before the final bell rings and he escapes to his locker.

He’s almost convinced himself that she’s going to let it go when he hears her ask, “Hey, Blake, you want a ride?”

He glances up at her, but her face is blank, her expression giving nothing away. Clarke’s always had a good poker face.

“You don’t have stuff to do?” he asks. “Practice?”

“Nope. Do you want the ride or not?”

If he says no, she might never mention it again. This could be her way of asking if he wants to talk about it, and if he turns the ride down, this will be the end of it. She’ll let him off the hook.

But then he’ll never know what she thinks about the letter, and that’s always going to bug him. Plus, he and Miller take the same bus. He’d been thinking about hiding in Mr. Pike’s room and waiting for the late bus, but if Clarke’s willing–

“I would love a ride,” he says, shouldering his backpack. “Thanks.”

He and Clarke still aren’t friends, but they get along better than they did when he had his stupid crush on her. They mostly just don’t interact unless they have to, and Bellamy can admit he avoids her a little. There’s always this worry at the back of his mind that whatever weird fluke that caused him to like her in the first place will flare back up, and everyone in the world is convinced she and Lexa are going to get back together any day now, so that would be bad.

Although it might not be worse than having a crush on his foster brother’s ex-boyfriend. Seriously, if he could just opt-out of romantic feelings entirely, that would be great. He doesn’t need this.

“So, how old was that letter?” Clarke finally asks.

“End of eighth grade. I decided I was going to get over you so I could have a summer romance.”

She snorts softly. “How did that work out?”

The truth is that his mom was starting to get sick and he didn’t really have time for that kind of thing, but it doesn’t seem worth spoiling the decent mood they’ve got going. “Well, I got over you.”

“And you found the letter and got nostalgic and decided to send it to me after all?”

“No.” He leans back in his seat, rubbing his face. “Fuck, I honestly have no idea how they got sent out.”

There’s a long pause, and then Clarke says, a little prickly, “What do you mean, they?”

“This is how I get over crushes.”

“You write down a list of all the reasons you hate them?”

“Why we wouldn’t make a good couple.”

“How many did you write?”

“Four.”

“Who else got one?”

“You know Echo from debate?”

“Sort of. You had a crush on her?”

“We made out in ninth grade. It wasn’t that great, but I still kind of fixated for a while.”

“So the letter was basically you will have better makeout sessions?”

“And closer ones. She lives like four hours away, it wasn’t practical.”

“Okay, that’s two.”

He debates which one to share next, goes with, “Murphy.”

“Like–John Murphy? Murphy Murphy?”

“I had this dream about making out with him and it fucked me up for like a week, until I wrote down a complete list of reasons I didn’t want to actually make out with him.”

Clarke clucks her tongue. “It seems like a lot of your crushes start with kissing. Have you tried casual sex? Just to see if it’s an option for you?”

Bellamy hasn’t tried sex at all, but he’s not telling her that right now, or ideally ever. He’s not hung up on virginity or masculinity or whatever, it’s just not something he wants to discuss with her.

“Maybe I only kiss people who are really good at it.”

“Thanks, I think.” She pauses. “Was the list of reasons not to date Murphy longer than the list of reasons not to date me?”

“No, yours was the longest. I was inspired.”

“Thanks. You know I’m bi, right? Not a lesbian. And Lexa and I broke up.”

“I didn’t in eighth grade. It’s not like I go back and edit them,” he says, conveniently omitting that he’d been thinking about doing just that.

“And neither did whoever sent them out.”

“It must be my sister,” he says, sighing. “It’s not like Monty’s parents would do it.”

“Did you guys have a fight? Is she pissed at you?”

“She’s twelve, she’s pissed at the world.”

“That sounds right.” She shoots him a look. “That was only three. Who’s the fourth?”

He sighs. “Miller.”

“Shit,” she breathes. “Like–Nate Miller. Like Monty’s boyfriend.”

“Ex-boyfriend,” says Bellamy. “Yeah. It was mostly before they were going out. When I was dealing with all the stuff with my mom, he was really great. I kind of imprinted.”

“But he and Monty broke up, right?”

“That makes it slightly less awkward, yeah. But only slightly.”

“Was your whole reason for not liking him that he was dating Monty?”

“Pretty much.”

“So if he gets it–”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t actually know what you’re agreeing to. I was going to say he might be interested, but you sound like you’re dying.”

“I was going to say it would be really awkward.”

“It never occurred to you that someone you like might like you back?”

“It’s not going very well so far.”

“Isn’t Murphy not being interested kind of a good thing?”

“Kind of.” He sighs. “Thanks for being cool about this, by the way.”

“It’s flattering, right? Finding out someone likes you?”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never found out anyone likes me.”

She takes the left turn onto his street without his having to remind her. “I knew how to spin a bottle and get it to land on the right person even in seventh grade,” she says, once she’s pulled into his driveway. “Good luck with the whole Miller situation.”

He’s not sure what to say besides, “Thanks for the ride.”

“Don’t mention it,” she says, and he watches her drive away.

It definitely could have been worse.

*

Miller doesn’t call or text that night, which he tries not to let bother him, and Octavia denies any knowledge of the box or the letters or anything convincingly enough that he has to believe her. He has no real grounds for accusing her of doing anything once he’s asked and she’s said no.

So he’s back at square one, Murphy smirking at him in the hall, dodging Miller when he sees him, feeling a weird lurch every time he sees Clarke. She looks worried, like she’s actually dwelling on this, and that’s weird too, and not something he’s prepared to deal with.

But it means that when Miller makes a beeline for him Friday morning, he feels comfortable assuming Clarke will have his back, so he ducks into her conversation with Raven Reyes and slides his arm around Clarke’s waist.

Raven’s eyebrows shoot up. “Blake.”

“Reyes.” He wets his lips, turns his attention to Clarke with an expression that he hopes somehow pulls double duty as “adoring boyfriend” to Raven and “damsel in distress” to Clarke.

It must get across some message, because her expression softens and she leans into him. “Morning, Bellamy.”

Impossibly, Raven’s eyebrows go even higher. “Bellamy?”

Bellamy goes by his last name because Mr. Hartford, their seventh-grade science teacher, misread his roster and thought Bellamy’s name was Blake Bellamy, which is, admittedly, a much more normal name. But Bellamy didn’t correct him, and no one else did either, mostly because they wanted to see how long it would go. And once you’re in the habit of calling someone something, it sticks.

He calls everyone else by last name too, mostly to remind them that Blake isn’t his name, but that’s more of a personal preference.

“Did you forget I have a real name?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’m the one acting weird here.”

“I told you Bellamy and I were hanging out,” says Clarke, which he wishes he could react to but probably can’t.

“Not that you were on a snuggling before first-period basis. Did you know about this one, Miller?”

Miller goes by his last name to avoid confusion with Nate Thompson, which is a much better thing to think about than what is actually happening in his life. It’s hard to believe pretending to date Clarke beats having a conversation with Miller, but somehow here they are.

“Nope, this is news to me,” says Miller. “Is this why you’re suddenly skipping lunch?”

It’s only been a couple days, so Bellamy doesn’t feel judgement for his life choices is entirely warranted, even if he has been being fucking weird. It could have just been a busy couple of days, and Miller would have been reading into things.

At the same time, it’s not normal for them to go this long without talking, and Bellamy is avoiding him, so he has no real right to get indignant about the whole thing.

“He’s been helping me with a project,” Clarke says, smooth. “You have late lunch today, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool. We should be done in a few days,” she tells Miller.

“Sorry I’ve been busy,” Bellamy adds. Miller hasn’t mentioned the letter, so maybe they can just pretend it never happened. It was clearly older, just like Clarke’s; he doesn’t date them, but the information was from just after Monty and Miller started dating. And if Miller doesn’t feel the same, he’ll probably just let Bellamy off the hook. He’s not Murphy. Or Clarke, for that matter.

“Are we still on for gaming this weekend?” he asks. “Or are you going to be too busy?”

“Saturday should be fine,” he says. Octavia will be there, so it won’t be that weird. Probably. And he can’t actually avoid Miller forever. He doesn’t want to.

The first bell rings, and to Bellamy’s shock, Clarke takes his hand as they walk to first period. It’s not a big deal, really, but it’s public and unambiguous and everyone is really going to think they’re together.

“I could use a fake relationship right now,” is how she explains it at lunch. They’re in Ms. Rodriguez’s room, since she likes them and has a free period right now.

Of course, she’s also still in the room, so that’s weird.

“Excuse me?” she asks.

“Just plotting,” Clarke says, flashing a smile. “Bellamy is having a minor crisis.”

“Why do you need a fake relationship?” he asks.

“Because everyone is convinced me and Lexa are going to be back together any day.”

“But you’re not?”

“I don’t think so.”

“I don’t know her that well,” he admits. She’s popular, maybe more popular than Clarke, but in that aloof way he associates with teen movie villains. Everyone says they like her, but she’s not that close to anyone.

Not that Clarke is a social butterfly. But he can’t help wondering how much she’d fly under the radar if she hadn’t been one of the first kids in their grade with a steady relationship, and a queer one at that.

“I like her, we’re still friends. But she’s got this–I like that she’s passionate and driven. But she can be myopic.”

“Good SAT vocab there.”

She elbows him. “You know what I mean. Have you and Miller talked at all?”

“No.”

“Would you want to date him?” She sounds curious, a little small. “If it wasn’t for the whole Monty thing.”

“I don’t know.” He pushes his hair off his face with a huff. “I think when Monty’s back, they’ll get back together. I get why they broke up, but I don’t think it’s going to last.”

“Does no one at this school understand what breakups are?” Clarke grumbles. It sounds like she’s only half joking.

“If Monty was still here, I’d say they were broken up,” he says. “But he’s spending a semester in France and he’ll be back in the spring. I’m not going to be the reason he comes home and finds out his ex really did move on.”

She winces. “Yeah, okay. But what if they’d never dated? Would you want to date Miller?”

“Who cares?”

“You sent four letters,” Clarke says. “And if they were all like mine, they weren’t love letters. They were anti-love letters. They were lists of reasons why your crushes were stupid and you shouldn’t have them. Have you ever had a crush you didn’t write to and tried to actually date?”

“No,” he admits.

“And if Miller hadn’t been dating Monty, you would have come up with another letter talking yourself out of liking him.”

“Probably, yeah.”

“And you’re pretending to date me just to get out of having a conversation with him. Can’t you just tell him it was an old letter and you’re not interested in him? Why is Miller different from me and Murphy?”

“Because I’m actually friends with Miller,” he says. “No offense, but it’s not like you and I hang out. There wasn’t much to ruin.”

“Nowhere to go but up.” She sighs. “You really want to lie to your friend about your relationship to get out of having a conversation?”

“Just until the end of the semester,” he says, even though want is a strong word. But if Clarke wants a fake boyfriend and it would help him, it’s a victimless crime.

Like Clarke said, he wouldn’t be dating Miller anyway.

“End of the semester,” Clarke agrees. “I can live with that.”

“You know I’m going to gossip about this with the other teachers, right?” Ms. Rodriguez asks, dry.

Clarke doesn’t miss a beat. “As long as it’s just the teachers, sure. We deserve it.”

“Yeah,” Bellamy agrees. “We definitely do.”

*

Fake dating someone isn’t nearly as difficult as Bellamy would have expected. If anything, in fact, it’s too easy. The biggest change is how much time he spends with Clarke, but as it turns out, spending more time with Clarke isn’t bad. When Bellamy was in middle school, he hadn’t yet learned how to disagree with people without it becoming this giant argument, but now that casual shit-talk is a hallmark of most of his close relationships, being with Clarke more is easy. They can tease each other, but they have a lot in common too, share a lot of classes, are applying to a lot of the same colleges. She hasn’t played a lot of video games, but she’s interested to learn, and she has a lot of good Netflix recommendations for him. She even gets along with Octavia, which is a minor miracle.

Then again, she is giving them rides every day. Octavia loves anyone who keeps her off the school bus.

The major miracle is with Miller, who is being so normal it’s actually a little unnerving. They hang out and play video games the Saturday after the fake relationship starts, and Miller has a lot of questions about how and why he and Clarke got together, but they had the group project they were working on that had inspired Bellamy to revisit his letters in the first place. It was easy enough to turn that into a relationship origin story, a crush that somehow didn’t go away over the summer.

And once he’s done that, Miller is just Miller again. September bleeds into October and November and absolutely nothing about their relationship is different, not even slightly.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Clarke asks. It’s a week before Thanksgiving and she’s on his couch with her feet in his lap, doing her reading. No one else is home and won’t be for hours, so there’s no even real reason for them to be hanging out, but his family will be home eventually and Clarke was bored. “The whole point was that stuff was normal with Miller.”

“I know. I’m just still waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“So you bring it up. Hey, remember that weird letter I sent you? That was weird, right?”

“Wow, what a great conversation starter.”

She digs her heel into his thigh. “I’m trying to help. If you want to talk to Miller about it, you don’t just have to wait for him to start it.”

“If I mention it, he’ll think I care.”

“You do care.”

“It is weird, right? You told me about getting the letter, Murphy told me about getting it, Echo’s came back with a wrong address. And Miller just doesn’t care?”

“Maybe he never got it.”

He frowns. “Never got it?”

“Yeah. Maybe it went to the wrong address or his parents misplaced it before he got it or he lost it or something. What if Miller just never got the letter and he has no idea why you were acting weird for a week or two?”

“It wasn’t that long.”

“It really was.” She smiles at him over her book. “You got better.”

“Thanks.”

“I still don’t get what exactly you want,” she says, and it’s so quiet, like it’s this giant revelation. Like she spends a lot of time wondering about what’s going on with him. “Are you still in love with Miller?”

The answer comes quickly. “No.” He sighs. “Honestly, I don’t know if I ever was. I don’t know if I really wanted to date him. Jesus, I probably suck at dating.”

“No, you don’t.”

“We’re not really dating.”

“So, you think if we were, you’d be bad at it? It’s pretty much the same skill set.”

“There’s no pressure,” he says. “I’m not worrying about being a good boyfriend or making sure I’m paying enough attention to you or whatever. And I don’t have to kiss you.”

“Wow, you don’t have to kiss me. Lucky you.”

She sounds genuinely hurt, and he can’t blame her. “Fuck, that’s not what I meant. It’s not like–of course I want to kiss you, but I’m not, so it’s not–I don’t have to worry about being bad at it.”

“I thought you made out with that girl from debate club.”

“For ten minutes. It’s not like I got feedback. I really didn’t mean it like that,” he adds, softening his voice.

“Do you really want to kiss me?” she asks.

It had not, at any point in the entire course of their relationship since seventh grade, ever occurred to Bellamy that kissing Clarke Griffin outside of a spin-the-bottle game might have been an option. It hadn’t occurred to him he could kiss her during a spin-the-bottle game until they were there, on the floor across from each other, and she was doing her first spin. As the bottle went around, he thought, wildly, that she might kiss him, and then she did.

He’d kissed four girls that night, Clarke only once, but he’d already liked her before then. She hadn’t been his crush because she kissed him, he’d just been denying it. Giving himself reason after reason to not like Clarke Griffin, rereading them every few months, when he wanted a reminder.

He’s spent so long telling himself he didn’t have a crush on her, that it wasn’t even slightly possible. Not having a crush on Clarke Griffin was a part of his identity, a personality trait.

One he had to work very hard at. One he had to remind himself of almost constantly.

“Yeah,” he breathes, and she puts her book away and climbs into his lap.

It’s nothing like the spin-the-bottle kiss, not light or quick, no circle of kids around them, giggling at the first press of lips. It’s just him and Clarke, her mouth so warm and close, her fingers tangling in his hair, his hands sliding up under the back of her shirt, time losing meaning as their mouths slide together.

“I don’t want to be your fake girlfriend anymore,” Clarke murmurs, bumping her nose against his.

“Yeah,” he says, breathless, stupid, gleeful. “Definitely not.”

*

Octavia owns up in February, once Monty is home and he and Miller have reconciled and Bellamy has almost totally forgotten about the letters going out in the first place. He knows, of course, that his girlfriend has a long list of reasons he said he’d never date her, but it was that list that make Clarke think he might actually like her, since about half of them were things he resented liking about her and the other half were either outdated or his protesting too much.

On reflection, he was talking himself into liking Miller and out of liking Clarke, without even realizing it. It’s a miracle it ever got sorted out.

So when Octavia comes in with the box of letters, he’s not as mad as he could have been. But still, he is her brother.

“So, you lied to my face, huh?”

“Yeah,” she says, at least sounding a little guilty about it. “You would have killed me!”

“You would have deserved it.”

“Because that letter to Clarke turned out sooo bad,” she says, with a roll of her eyes.

“It could have. And that was just one letter, the one to Miller–”

“I didn’t send that one,” she says. Bellamy blinks, and she nods to the box. “Open it, it’s still there.”

It’s a little surreal, opening up the box and seeing the single remaining letter, addressed to Miller in his own blocky hand. Clarke asked him once why he’d put actual addresses on there, and he’d explained it added to the sense of closure. It made the whole thing real.

“Jesus, Clarke was right. Why not?”

“Because I wanted him and Monty to get back together, duh. I wanted you to date someone, but it was supposed to make my life less stressful because you had something to do other than worrying about me. You hooking up with Monty’s ex would have just made everything worse.”

“That was still a shitty thing to do and then lie about. You’re really fucking lucky it turned out okay.”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over how much you owe me forever for this.”

“O.”

She huffs. “Fine, I’ll never help you again. Happy?”

He puts his arm around her, gives her a squeeze. “So happy, yeah.”

[theartificialdane]

Andromeda: Maybe this year

A Melati focused Andromeda about not doing as well in high school as she had expected.  Originally inspired by “Anybody have a map” from Dear Evan Hansen.

A million thanks to @veronicasanders for not only being a fantastic beta and cowriter, but also forcing me to confront my angst for angst and do what is needed to make the story work!

{Melati...} Violet wanted to reach over the table, wanted to touch her daughters hand. {Is there something on your mind?}

Violet ran, her feet hitting the pavement, her heart beating rhythmically, her breath coming in and out, in and out. It was early morning in mid autumn, the air chilly.

Violet’s watch beeped, and she slowed down, finally stopping in front of the property she and Sutan had bought when they relocated back to America. It was a lovely three story house, a brownstone on the Upper West Side, their neighborhood one of the reasons they had picked this specific property, but the real reason was next door.

Violet could see a dim orange light from the second story window. A shadow moving around inside. Raja was already up, the woman without a doubt sitting in her study and getting some work done before everyone else woke up. Violet smiled to herself. She should have known that Raja and Sutan would find a way to buy houses right next to each other, though she suspected Jinkx had had a finger in the game since two almost identical properties had shown up at the exact same time. It was all worth it though, when she had heard her husband’s sigh of pure relief as he took his jacket off for the first time in their new house, the world finally right again for him since his twin was back where she belonged; only a single set of walls away.

Violet checked her watch, the slim fit bit on her wrist telling her that her time was a little slower than the day before. Violet had never cared about how fast she ran, she had never done it for the physical fitness, but instead the quiet that overtook her mind, the nagging voice in her head only a tiny presence at the very back of her skull, but now, she was training with an actual goal in mind. A half marathon she would be running with Shane, the watch on her wrist a gift from the man that had been consumed by the idea of doing it before he turned 45. Violet hadn’t planned on joining him, Shane having never ran before, but she had volunteered when she saw the look of pure terror on Betty’s face the moment her friend realised her husband was serious about it.

Violet opened the door to their garden, the sound of tiny paws and yiffs coming around the corner hitting her before she even had a chance to reclick the lock. Asta and Nora both looking up at with big eyes, the pugs’ small tongues out their mouth. “Don’t look like that, darlings.” Violet smiled, bending down to quickly pet each of her dogs. “You’ll get your breakfast.” Violet quickly waved to their security camera. She was unsure if it was ever watched, but she felt weird not acknowledging its presence. Fame had forced everyone to get security installed when a fan of the show had followed Sutan into the bathroom at a bar, and Violet was grateful that Fame had taken that step, the woman one no one spoke against, even when she was being paranoid or unfair since she wasn’t one to ever let anything go.

Violet opened the patio door, and Asta and Nora followed her inside as Violet finished the rest of her morning routine. Shower, hair and makeup, all before 6.30.

The next step was her least favorite part of her morning, but she knew she had to do it.

The walk to the third floor was an easy one, but the task facing her was not. Violet knocked on the door, carefully opening it, the light from the hallway shining in and hitting her sleeping daughter in her bed. Melati was burrowed under the covers, the only thing visible her dark curls. She had inherited her father’s heart for sleep and late nights, Violet sometimes waking from the sounds of Melati working away in her room. Violet turned on the lights, the light dimmers they had installed in there on Juju’s recommendation a true lifesaver.

The soft jade green walls were filled with trinkets, the curtains were closed, the door to her walk in closet opened and her clothes spread everywhere, canvases lining the wall. Melati had a craft room, the space freeing up in the house when Violet had relocated what had turned into an ever growing workshop to an actual studio space, but Melati still prefered to keep much of her stuff in her room. Her computer was still open on her desk, the screen dark.

Violet took one final deep breath, stepping into the room to wake the most terrifying creature known to man. A cranky teenager.

///

{Melati, you have to wake up.}

Melati could feel her mother's presence looming by her bed. She cracked an eye open, her phone still in hand from when she had fallen asleep texting her dad last night as he had been making his way home, promising that he’d be there by evening.

He and been gone for over two weeks, helping the Indonesian producers shoot the first edition of Asia’s Next Top Model.

{It’s 6.45..}. Melati knew why she had been woken up, but she still wished her mom would get off her back a little. She didn’t know anyone else who’s mom was as overbearing as hers. Not that she had many American friends to ask, but she was certain that no one else was still woken by their parents at 14.

{You’re riding with Auntie Raja today.}

{Do I have to?} Melati turned, looking up at her mom, standing by her bed. She had only been in high school for a little over two months, and she still hated every single second of it, none of it made better by the fact that she more often than not had to ride to school with her demonic cousins. Normally she’d go with her dad, Sutan going downtown anyway because of work, but he was an entire world away. {I’d rather ride the subway with Maggie.}

Violet cringed. She’d always hated the subway, and the fact that her daughter was so independent should have made her proud, but instead it just consumed her with worry.

{Please? I’ll text you when we get to school.}

{Fine,} Violet sighed. {10 minutes, or you’re gonna be late.}

///

Melati opened the patio, Nora and Asta shaking their feet. Melati could hear her mother in the kitchen, walking the dogs one of her responsibilities in the morning. She was just about to leave the living room to change her socks, the damp grass soaking her sneakers, when their home system dinged. Someone was calling them. Melati turned around, the caller ID a familiar bright and smiling face. Melati quickly accepted, and Courtney Act showed up on the screen. Both Asta and Nora perked up, the pugs yipping happily.

“Courtney!” Melati smiled brightly, a blush creeping into her cheeks. “Hi!” Melati wasn’t proud of it, but no matter how many times she met her, she always felt a little starstruck around Courtney. She had seen her movies almost as many times as she had seen Moana, and she had performed her songs for every school talent show when they still lived in Paris.

“Hi lovebug! How are you doing?”

“I’m good.” Melati pulled a lock of hair behind her ear. “Another day of school.” Melati laughed, the English feeling like wool in her mouth.

“Awww, hang in there, babe. It won’t last forever.”

“Thanks.” Melati felt a rush of relief. She had spent some time with Courtney and the kids in LA during the summer while Bianca and Sutan had been filming last season’s Top Model, and the whole thing had felt like a dream. One day, Courtney had taken her out for sorbet, just the two of them, and actually listened to her. Courtney was her favorite adult to talk to, the blonde always understanding.

“Is your mom around, sweet pea?”

“Uh, she’s making breakfast...”

“Oh, bummer. I was hoping to ambush her with a little project,” Courtney said, eyes twinkling with glee.

“I can tell her you called,” Mel said, smiling. “So… I read that you’re leaving your talk show? Is that true?”

“It’s true. I’m stepping down at the end of the year.”

“Really? Why! I love your show,” Mel told her.

A smile pulled at the corner of Courtney’s mouth as she said, “Well...let’s just say that I’m trying to be a supportive wife.”

“A supportive wife?” Mel’s brow furrowed, confused. What did that have to do with her show?

“No no,” Courtney said with a giggle. “I’ve already revealed too much! But you’ll find out soon eno- Violet!” Melati saw Courtney wave, a grin on her face. “Good morning!”

Melati turned, her mother coming out from the kitchen.

“You’re awfully chipper.” Violet walked over, a note of mild irritation in her voice. “Is this about your email?” Melati knew her mother hated having her routine interrupted, but she was still being overly hostile.

“I’m great, thanks, and how you you?” Courtney said.

“Is it so important that you can’t wait? You have kids yourself, you know how mornings are-”

Melati bristeled. She was 14, that meant she was only two years away from getting a driver's license, and four years away from college. {I’m not a kid.}

Violet turned to Melati. {I didn’t mean-}

“I’m sorry for interrupting,” Courtney smiled, holding up her hands. “But I just couldn’t wait.”

“For what?” Violet had crossed her arms, her eyes narrow as she watched the screen. “I think my reply to your request was perfectly clear.”

“Listen. I know you don’t want to design kids’ clothes.”

“That is one way to phrase my direct decline.”

“Right, but that’s not what I’m asking for. I was just hoping that you’d do some low key consulting. It could even be anonymous. You know how much I value your input-”

“I’m not a children’s designer, Courtney.”

Melati rolled her eyes, falling back on the couch. Sometimes she felt like her mom spent so much more time telling people what she didn’t want to do compared to what she actually did. Melati knew Violet designed couture, that almost everything her mother made was sold and designed directly for her clients. She knew the waiting list for Violet Chachki's time was miles long and that the chance of getting an appointment almost non-existent, but that didn’t excuse being so rude to someone Melati cared about.

“Okay, I hear you, but please, Vi, just take a quick peek before you give me a final answer!  I mean I got to Amsterdam this morning and they showed me some of the samples and they are just so cute! Like look at this, you think it’s just a little gender neutral pea coat but then look closer and THE BUTTONS ARE DISCO BALLS!! And then there’s-”

Without even looking, Violet grabbed the remote and hung up, cutting Courtney off mid sentence.

{You just hung up on Courtney Act!} Melati knew her mouth was hanging open, her jaw slack with surprise.

{I did.}

{You can’t do that!}

{Actually, I can.} Violet looked at her watch. {You have to get going. Are you sure about the sub-}

Melati crossed her arms. {You were really rude. She’s supposed to be your friend.}

{Go brush your teeth.}

////

Violet had just finished making breakfast when Melati came down the stairs, this time dressed for the day in a soft cream sweater and jeans, her curly hair collected in a half bun. She was wearing pearl earrings, a thin gold bracelet and a ring Violet had given her.

Melati grabbed a bottle of juice from the fridge, dumping her backpack on the floor as she sat down at the table, her teenager still prickly from the mornings conversation. Violet liked Courtney, had maybe even come to love her, but the blonde was still much like the devil. Give her a finger, and she’d take your entire arm and Violet did not have time for Courtney’s project, not when Melati acted like a porcupine ready to fight whenever Violet dared say anything to her.

{Do you have to throw your things?}

{What?} Melati barely even looked up, her eyes occupied with checking the French news on the kitchen screen. Violet sighed as she sat down, Melati obviously ignoring her. Violet hated how much tech that had made its way into their house, Sutan always hopping on whatever the latest trend was with enthusiasm while Violet would happily have prefered a home with no electronics at all. At least she had managed to keep their bedroom a screen free zone, though keeping Sutan away from his work email often turned into an uphill battle. Violet placed her hand in Melati’s field of vision, the teen finally looking up before she repeated her words.

{Do you have to throw your things?}

{Does it matter?}

Violet looked at the bag. It was a designer backpack, the thing a gorgeous black with thick rims and leather that had clearly been cared for and crafted lovingly.Violet hated the look of how her daughter was mistreating it, Melatis laptop and her books distorting the shape. It had been given to Melati by Raven, a ‘welcome to american high school’ gift. When Violet protested at the extravagance of it, Raven informed her that it was very important - Heaven forbid Melati get bullied at school for having the wrong school bag. Violet relented, although she suspected that Raven’s idea of high school bullies was a little out of touch.

{It does.}

Melati rolled her eyes, but then picked up her bag, putting it on the chair next to her. Violet desperately wished Sutan was home, her husband a master at navigating Melati’s moods. Her daughter as prickly as a cactus most days when Violet only wanted to soothe and understand, though Juju had insisted that was just how teenagers were. But although Violet could begrudgingly accept a certain degree of surliness, it seemed like this week had been especially unpleasant. Her kind, loving, enthusiastic daughter was suddenly slamming doors, refusing dinner and not answering direct questions. Something was wrong.

{Melati...} Violet wanted to reach over the table, wanted to touch her daughters hand. {Is there something on your mind?}

{No.} Mel snatched her hand back.

{Okay...} Violet retreated.

Melati finished her juice, the clock nearing 7.30, which meant they had to get going. Melati picked up her bowl and took it to the sink while Violet did the same, her own breakfast almost untouched. She’d text her assistant later and ask for some breakfast, though she wasn’t sure the hunger would come, her stomach turning into a knot. Violet missed Sutan more than she wanted to say, but she was also happy her husband was traveling the world and chasing his dreams, though it kind of beat the purpose of why they had moved continents in the first place.

{Do you want me to send a car to pick you up after school? I have to stay late at work.} Violet had never planned on running a studio of her own, to have people that depended on her and wanted to have meetings and hear her opinion on things she genuinely didn’t care about, but it had become her life, and her team did give her the opportunity to do things she never would have accomplished on her own.

{I’m going to Maggie’s.}

{Again?} {What's wrong with Maggie?} {Nothing.} Violet tightened her robe. {It's just, maybe you should try making more friends in your class, someone you haven’t grown up with-} {I wish /Dad/ was here...}

Violet barely heard it, the words whispered under Melati’s breath. She reached for her daughter, attempting to give her a hug, but Mel ducked away, picking up her backpack and heading to the door, barely glancing over her shoulder as she grunted out a goodbye.

////

Melati descended into the subway, scanning the platform for Maggie’s tiny body and sparkly blue backpack.

“MelMel! Over here!” Maggie waved excitedly, a ball of energy as always. Her brown bob, orange sweater, matching miniskirt and huge glasses making her stand out amongst all the other uptown commuters. Maggie jumping up and down as if they hadn’t seen each other in years was so cute that it was /almost/ not embarassing.

“Hey Mags.” Mel leaned in to give her friend - or rather, her ‘almost cousin,’ as they called each other - a hug.

Maggie adjusted her glasses, asking, “Sooo… How was your night?”

“Okay.” Melati bit her lip. VIolet hadn’t been home because of a fitting until after dinner, so she had spent the afternoon in her room with Asta and Nora, working away. “I almost finished my collage, but then I accidentally fell into a black hole on Youtube. Did you know that the world's biggest species of bumble bees come from South Africa and is called Bombus Dahlbomii?”

“Cool. Weird, but cool,” Maggie said.

Mel smiled and closed her eyes, enjoying the whoosh of air as their train approached.

“Aaaand…” Maggie said, linking arms with Mel as they entered the subway car. “... did you talk to your mom about that English test yet?”

“Ugh, no way.” Melati knew the question would come, but that didn’t make it any better. “Are you kidding?” Maggie had been bugging her about it all week, but there was no way Melati would willingly walk into the lion’s den.

“It probably won’t be as bad as you think. I know I was really freaked last year when I got a B in Spanish, but my moms were so sweet about it. Alaska ended up taking me to the spa to de-stress.”

“Yeah, well, that’s your family.” Melati crossed her legs, the sense that everyone around them could listen to their conversation extremely uncomfortable. “Your moms aren’t uptight like mine. And I didn’t get a B. I got a D. A /D/, Maggie!” Melati sighed. “She’s going to /murder/ me.”

Maggie took a deep breath and stood in front of Melati’s chair. She placed both hands on her shoulders, singing sweetly and earnestly, “/Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens… bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens-/”

“Maggie…” Mel hissed, glancing around at the subway car self-consciously. It was great that Maggie was so confident and unconcerned with what everyone else thought, but Mel didn’t mind blending in. In fact, she preferred it.

“/..Brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favorite things!/...Did that help? A little Julie Andrews magic?”

“No.” Maggie kept staring at her, her brown eyes expecting and filled with mischief. “Besides.. That movie is only.. I don’t understand why you love it so much? It’s not that good.”

Maggie gasped dramatically, and then made the sign of the cross, clasping her hands together. “She didn’t mean it, Julie!”

Melati blushed and pulled Maggie back into her seat. “Why are you making a cross? Aren’t you Jewish?”

“Jinkx says that the Church of Julie is non denominational.”

“Ugh, I wish my dad were here,” Mel sighed, hugging her backpack to her chest, her exam inside it almost burning. Melati hated keeping secrets, and this was growing bigger each day.

“Like, back in New York, or here with us on this Subway car?” Maggie joked.

“My mom is just so impossible!” Melati exclaimed. “And, she said that I’m hanging out with you too much.”

“... She said what? But I thought your mom loved me? Remember that time she almost smiled in my general direction?” Maggie did a little shimmy, making Mel chuckle.

“Okay, she’s not that bad. She just wants me to make new friends.” The train lurched forward and Mel nearly fell out of her seat, grabbing a pole nearby. “But how am I supposed to make new friends when my cousins have already told everyone I’m a weirdo?” Tanya and Isolde Amrull were seniors. Seniors in the way Melati had only seen on movies. They were ever popular, dressed every day as if school was their personal runway, a group of people always around them to get their approval or to hope they rubbed off on them. Melati had only been in the school a few months, but she had already seen hoop earrings disappear from one day to the next, since Isolde had said they were over during a lunch period.

“Well, first of all, you are a weirdo, but in the very, very best way. And second, Tanya and Isolde are the /worst/, so only total assholes would believe them. And you don’t want to be friends with assholes, right?”

“I guess not.”

“So, when’s your dad getting home anyway?” Maggie asked, leaning a head on her shoulder.

“Tonight… I really didn’t want to deal with this on his first night back, but...I think I have to.”

“Or you could just like… Never tell them?”

Melati smiled, the train stopping. “That’s good… Let’s call that Plan A.”

///

Violet sighed, looking over the printouts she had made her assistant do of the several emails Courtney had sent her. The collection was...Violet didn’t know what it was, except hideous, but Violet also didn’t know anything about children’s clothes. Melati had thankfully never requested glitter slippers or bunny shirts. Violet had no idea why Courtney had requested her advice. The only thing she really knew anything about was fabrics, and as she was running through the different suggestions from the Dutch company, her brows shot higher and higher since most of it would be terrible for toddlers. Cotton in colors that would stain horribly, nylon so close to the skin it would irritate, and shoes so narrow it could impact the shape of a baby foot. Violet was two pages into an email, detailing everything that was wrong, when her phone rang.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Violet put the phone under her chin, her private phone only for family members and the very few people Violet considered friends.

“What are you working on?”

“What?”

“I can hear the pencil.”

Violet looked down, a small laugh leaving her as she had not even realised she had been sketching away on her notepad, creating a new version of the jackets for Courtney’s line.

“I’m sorry.” Violet put it down, quickly flipping over the paper and turning her chair around so she was looking out on the street instead of her computer. She could hear Sutan chuckle, but also the bone deep tired of her husband's voice. “How far are you?”

“Made it to LA. Boarding in 30.”

Violet felt a hot surge in her stomach, her cheeks blushing instantly at how stupid she felt. They had been married for almost 15 years, and she still didn’t feel right when Sutan wasn’t with her, her excitement to have him home after two long weeks prickling in her fingertips.

“God I hate this fucking airport.”

Violet laughed, knowing exactly how much Sutan hated LAX.

“I’m in the worst mood, I’m sorry.”

“We can get pizza tonight? If you want?” Violet knew Sutan would most likely be dead to the world the moment he touched down in New York, her husband never sleeping well on planes because of his height. If she was lucky, he’d be up and about when she got home that night, and the promise of pizza even if sober Violet didn’t enjoy it much, was a certain way to get Sutan to do pretty much anything.

Sutan groaned, and Violet could almost hear how he sunk a little deeper into his seat. “I love you. You know how much I like traditional Indonesian, but nothing beats a double pepperoni”

Violet smiled, her fingers tapping against her chair. “Love you too.”  

“So.. I read your texts.”

“Ah.” Violet could hear the change in Sutan’s voice instantly, and she knew she only really had herself to blame. She had messaged him from her closet, her body almost shaking when Melati had left the house that morning, her daughters words still ringing in her ears.

“I know you’re worried.”

“I-”

“But Violet, I promise you. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“There is.” Violet said. “There has to be something wrong Sutan, you haven’t spent time with her, she’s.. She’s never been like this before. She talks back /every/ chance she gets.”

“Like every other teenager in history?”

Violet bristled, the smile in Sutan’s voice not helping her mood at all.

“This isn’t normal.” Violet knew she hadn’t exactly had the normal experience of being a teenager, the ballet academies indisputable hierarchy and the pure time it took to not only manage a fulltime job but also keep her physical fitness up had meant she had never had anyone to argue with where she could win, no skipping school or drinking in the parking lot, but there was something called basic respect, and even if Melati was a teenager, she was still her child, their child, their sweet and kind girl. “Something is bothering her, something extra, I just... I know it.”

“A mother's intuition?”

“Don’t make fun of me.” Violet sighed. She knew Sutan was only trying to make things better, but most of the time Melati was a completely different girl around him, her father never making mistakes in her eyes, even though Sutan’s job was the true reason they relocated back to America.

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“Thank you.”

///

Melati unlocked the front door, dropping her key in the bowl by the door. The house was quiet, just as she had expected, her mom rarely showing up until after it was dark outside when she said she was working late, but Melati had still hoped someone would be home, since she had gone to Maggie's after school. Alaska had been there, the tall blonde chatting away in her slow drawl while Maggie had happily reenacted everything that had happened at drama club and Melati had sipped her tea.  

Melati was just about to take her shoes off, when she bumped into something. It was her dad's suitcases, the four bags taking up the entire hallway. A surge of happiness rushed through her, and Melati bolted for the stairs, her shoes still on.

[DAD!]

She threw open the door to her parents bedroom, fully expecting to see her father underneath the covers. The room was small, heavy curtains keeping out the sunlight, and dominated by a king sized bed, a set of double doors leading to her parents closets and their bathroom, but the bed was empty though also unmade, which meant he had to be somewhere in the house. Melati took another set of stairs, her dads office on the other end of the floor from her bedroom. Melati stopped in front of the door, the muffled sound of music coming from inside. Melati knocked three times, waiting for a reply.

[Come in puppet!]

Melati opened the door, looking inside her father’s office. [How did you know it was me?] Melati stepped inside, feels calm. A bookshelf lining one wall filled with Batman memorabilia, heavy oak dominating the room, small bar, stacks of magazines and things Sutan’s current and former models have worked on.

[Mama never knocks like that.] Sutan turned in his chair, and pushing his glasses up, and opened his arms.

Mel rushed over for a hug. Sutan laughed, kissing the top of her head and pulling her into his lap. He turned the chair back around, facing his computer.

[I’m just ordering pizza for tonight.]

[Really?]

[Mmh. Which one do you want?]

[Spinach please.] They sat together for a while, Sutan absentmindedly asking Melati how her day had been, the two just enjoying each others company when Melati realized that she was still wearing her backpack and stood up. [Actually... Dad?]

[Changed your mind?]

[No. I... I got back my grade from that test last week. You know, the English exam?]

[You did? Anything fun to share?] Sutan smiled. [Shall I call the framers?] Melati sighed. Normally her dad’s teasing and enthusiasm would make her happy, but today it just grated on her nerves.

[Just read it. Please.] Melati handed the blue book to Sutan, watching nervously as he grabbed his glasses and flipped to the back, reading the first grade she had ever gotten that was below a B+. Melati had no idea how her mom would react, but she was counting on her dad to be the calm one, and hopefully help her break the news to her mom. Maybe even offer to do it for her if she was really lucky.

[Well, that’s disappointing.] Sutan looked up. [Is this grade correct?]

[What?] Melati hadn’t even realised how small her voice sounded. [Umh... Yes. Yes it is.]

[Did you study? Or did you expect to skate by without any work? Because that’s not going to cut it at this school.]

[Yes! Yes I studied! I tried my best. I...I guess I just didn’t understand the book and-]

[Well, you’ll have to do better. When I was your age, I had two jobs, and I still managed to get straight As. There’s no reason for anyone as smart as you to get grades like this.] Sutan shook the pages of the blue book for emphasis.

Melati stared at her dad. Her laid back dad, who had always told her to just try and try again, who walked through life as if everything always worked out for him. Melati had never been asked to take a job, had never even considered it since she used so much of her time on her art. Melati had expected her mother to be the one to tell her these things, to be the one who ignored how she had tried, telling her it wasn’t good enough, but here her dad was, looking at her as if she had somehow done this on purpose.

[And if you need help, you tell us. We’re not paying for one of the best schools in the country so that you can just-]

[I didn’t know I needed help!] Melati yelled, Sutan growing quiet instantly. [It’s not my fault, I tried! I really tried!] Melati had had been to every class, taken diligent notes, read the texts multiple times, had even discussed them with Maggie - but somehow, in the classroom, with the seconds ticking down, it was like everything had slipped from her mind. Her thoughts were a confusing jumble of three languages and twisted phrases, and none of it came out right on the page. [It’s - it’s this stupid language and not enough time and I don’t understand why we’re even living here!]

[Melati-]

[I hate this country! I hate it, I HATE it!]

Sutan stood up, holding up his hands in surrender. [Calm down, and we can talk about this-] His voice was calm, even, like everything she had said didn’t matter to him at all.

[Calm down?! Do you even understand anything?!] Melati’s voice had reached a shrill, fevered pitch. She felt like an animal in a cage. Trapped against her will. [Of course not! Of course you don’t because no one cares about me!]

[Melati.]

[Why don’t you just leave again like you always do?!]

Sutan swallowed. He had never seen his daughter like this, fat tears streaming down Melati’s cheeks. Before he could attempt a response, Violet appeared in the doorway, her coat still on, her keys still in hand like she had run upstairs the moment she got home.

{What’s going on?} Violet asked, {I heard yelling, is everyone okay?}

“We’re only talking, lovely eyes, just give us-”

{No! No! It’s not fair, it’s not- it’s not!} Melati whirled around, her fists clenched in anger.

{Little darling, I-} Violet didn’t know what she had expected, but Melati flinging herself into her arms, sobbing like she had as a kid when she was consumed with worry and missing her dad, was not anywhere on the list. Violet grabbed Melati, pressing her cheek to the top of her head, rocking her back and forth, holding her closer than she had in years. {What’s going on?}

“It appears we’re fighting.”

“‘A mother's intuition’ huh? What about a father’s?” Violet shot Sutan a dirty look, her husband visibly cringing, though she couldn’t entirely blame him. She couldn’t remember the last time Melati had yelled, and least of all at Sutan. Mel said something, the sounds of it muffled in Violet’s coat.

Sutan cleared his throat. “We were just discussing her grade.”

“And that leads to my daughter crying?”

“She got a D, and I was just telling her she needs to take school seriously if she ever wants to-”

“She’s a child, a teenager, not a robot. I know you got into UCLA but-”

“She needs to work hard if she wants to-”

“Sutan, just- Melati.” Violet gently took Melati’s face, turning it up. {Why didn’t you tell me, puppet?}

{You’re… not mad?} Mel gulped, breath hitching. {I thought you’d be mad..}

{Over this?} Violet wrapped her arms more tightly around her daughter. {It’s just a test.} Her whole body felt lighter, the relief that Mel’s problem was a simple academic one flowing through her, filling her with gratitude. {I know you’ve worked so hard.}

{I did... I promise I did} Melati wiped her face, clearly both ashamed and embarrassed over the yelling Violet had heard from downstairs though she had no idea what had been said. {Everything is so different from the other school and I can’t... I don’t know...}

Melati felt a touch on her shoulder, Sutan’s hand closing around it. [I’m sorry I’m an idiot.] Melati turned, looking up at her dad. [You’re right. I’m not around a whole bunch. You didn’t chose this move and you didn’t chose an American high school, but we’re not leaving, and I just want you do to do well.]

Melati nodded. [I know...] She pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, very aware at how both her parents were looking at her. [I think...a tutor might be a good idea...]

[I’m sorry for going all...tiger mom on you.] Sutan smiled, still looking extremely apologetic.

[It wasn’t your shining moment.] Melati told him.

[Yeah..]  Sutan hugged her tightly. [Sorry.]

///

{What are we watching?} Violet sat down, Melati and Sutan both grabbing their pizza boxes and opening them at the exact same time.

{Glimmer!}

Violet looked at her daughter, Sutan pressing play on the ever familiar movie. {You get to pick any movie you want, and you pick Courtney’s Disney debut?}

{With the English audio. It’s educational, Mama}

{Yes Violet. It’s educational.}

Sutan laughed, and Violet couldn’t help but smile. Violet grabbed her plate, picking a piece of Sutan’s pizza out of his box, her husband and daughter back to being two peas in a pod. As she settled in, Sutan’s arm behind her back, she felt a sense of peace fall over her. Nothing was perfect, but Melati was okay, and her problem was fixable. Everything would be okay, and they would get through it together, Melati getting everything she never had.

[batsysims]

didnt wanna do an actual Simself Edit™ so have an arrested development reference

anyways

i was tagged by @0cherub & i tag any1 who hasnt done this yet bc who doesnt like answering 125 questions abt themselves oh also @flavortowne im forcing you to do this sry

get to know me tag

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

3. BIRTHDAY? september 15

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES?  what?? are books

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye both

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? ummmm idk lmfao i havent “read” a “book”” in like 5 years 

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? 35 & 36 on sirius are like basically the exact same station but that doesnt mean i dont constantly alternate between the two whenever im near a radio

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? pink is a v trustworthy flavor

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? *owen wilson voice* wrow

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? what kinda question is this wt f ive currently reobsessed myself w marina and the diamonds so honestly any of her discography

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? idk any words :^/ sry

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? wheels on the bus im exhausted

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? man in the high castle. man in the high castle. man in the high ca

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? clerks al;dksfjf

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? almost exclusively sims and fallout but every once in a while some indie game i find on steam so. yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? never doing anything in my life and having nothing 2 look forward to!! yay

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? probably my resiliency, maybe?? idk

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my habit of allowing bad things to happen to me lol

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? cats but im sorta kinda indifferent 2 both i think i might 1 of the 5 ppl on earth who dont like having pets

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer and fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yea

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? not being lazy lmfao

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? @flavortowne eye emoji

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? its natural brown but im thinkn abt going either red or blonde again

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? like 3 ppl irl and everyone on discord u guys legit

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my person and @flavortowne eye emoji

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? tom hardy. what is his end goal

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? tbh going 2 basic lmfao im!! lame

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? as of right now,, spiderverse lol

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? teletubbies was fckn legit and so was old school spongebob

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my person

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? im not superstitious,,, but i am a little stitious

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? i cant deal w fishing poles idk

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? in front babey

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims or stitching play foods 4 the kid to use on her play kitchen

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? stop asking book questions

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? spiderverse yeye

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? piano & i try 2 pretend i know what im doing w a ukulele

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? stingrays :^)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? legit all my mutuals

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? i had an oc that could read ppls memories like a scrapbook if he touched them and i always honestly thought that was. cool

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my house!! the door b locked bitch!!!!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? toddler being an idiot toddler

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY?  its not really,, a sport,, but i bike

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? cream soda in those glass bottles is top tier non-alcoholic beverage

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? i wrote a letter 2 my person telling him he was an idiot and by the time it was mailed 2 his house i was already living there lol

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? either ppl blowing vape in my face or holding something so close to my face i cant see i just go ballistic

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nope unless u count a sesame street liveshow like 10 years ago

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? nope!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cop lmfao

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? this is horrible but the setting of new vegas i just feel like id be at home there, w the radiation and constant danger and dehydration

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? the kid

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? only when im looking in the mirror adlkfj start thinkn abt a different face showing up instead of mine idk

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yea

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? skipped a whole year adlfkj

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? this is basic but i miss the tri-state area

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? this is basic but i miss nj

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yea :^/ a dog, a cat, and uhhhh 14 fish

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but honestly im just always tired

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsettttt

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? i do

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones. they just work

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah but i need em

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? i listen to everything tbh

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? michael cera

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? i used to read them religiously but not so much any more. i am reading the TAZ graphic novel tho

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? having to repeat myself 20 times. or being an idiot when i wanna start a new hobby

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? idk how to read

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? honestly i had a blast in econ and my law enforcement class

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? a bro, another sibling, and a half-bro

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? food lmfao

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? every time i measure myself im 5′2″ but the government insists that i am 5′3″ so w/e

75. CAN YOU COOK? yeap

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? alcohol, bike riding, wearing stupid makeup

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? ppl holding me back, bird box, when my nail breaks before i can file it so its all oglee

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uh idk?? i dont have,, many,,,, friends

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? bi

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? sc :’^(

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my brother

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 nights ago the kid pistol whipped me in the chin w her phone and it just hurt so bad it legit made me lose it

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? ok this is dumb as shit the kid is obsessed w Blippi and i have a mom crush on him afdslfkjs

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? ye

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? i am currently obsessed w L.O.L. Surprise! Pop but all in all probs Pocket Camp

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? bad as parents but theyre fine now that im an adult and they have a grandkid they can like

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? i dont like a majority of them lmfao but idk maybe uh?? irish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? rly wanna go to nevada but im moving to the mojave soon anyways so

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 15

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? i was raised christian but i dont rly give a shit abt any of that

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? outer space my dood the ocean is dumb and scary

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im jus livin my life

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? i mean. im lactose intolerant but thats abt it

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nope

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? no

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when im wrong abt something

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest ig bad choices

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? i dont think i was ever given advice, ever. maybe thats why im like this

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? idk i try not 2 lie unless its like. an obvious exaggeration for the lols

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? wtf idk ok i just did one of those quizzes & im a slytherin?? what does that mean

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? yeah

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? more of an introvert but im ok w going out there if i gotta

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? i keep one for the kid but thats abt it

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? nah. unless it was something stupid like burning food like im not gonna ban u from the kitchen

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? if theres an id i guess mail it 2 the address on there?? idk ive never just. found a wallet. i think this happens a lot less than all the hypotheticals make it out to be

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? if theyre dedicated to it. i dont think ppl can just do it over night and i dont think its ever a 100% change

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? dont touch me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yep

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? 2 in both ears but thats it

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? spidr...mna

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? no :^( once im cleared for them tho deffo

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? i hate that this is the answer but enlisting adlfkjs

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yeah ig??

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? 2 late

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? we all b stupit

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? idk?? i get embarrassed but also get over it quick so like. idk

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? yea

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black & red

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? mhm

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? i was on nickelodeon back when they had those cuts to the Live Studio Audience™

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 21

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i almost never eat anything sweet

[spin-me-a-tapestry]

85 question game

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people

tagged by @dasfreefree

the last

drink: water

phone call: a work call lol

text message: (to my friendo kelsey) “aahhhh omg i totally forgot lolol ill do it tonighy”

song you listened to: Do I Wanna Know? by The Arctic Monkeys

time you cried: *katya voice* i havent felt emotion since the accident (jk it was yesterday lolol)

dated someone twice: never lolol

kissed someone and regretted it: back in junior year of high school when i had to kiss someone on stage for the musical lolol

been cheated on: never

lost someone special: i guess when my grandma died which was 3 years ago now

been depressed: right now lololol

gotten drunk and thrown up: back in junior year of college i did a performance art piece for one of my classes where i filmed myself taking a shot of vodka roughly every minute for a half hour (i ended up consuming like 19 shots)

three favourite colours

baby blue

forest green

baby pink

in the last year have you

made new friends: hhmmmm idk??  ive def met new people

fallen out of love: idt ive ever been in love so uuhh no

laughed until you cried: prob this past weekend

found out someone was talking about you: idk im always paranoid about other people talking about me tho

met someone who changed you: not really

found out who your friends are: i guess??

kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? basically everyone

do you have any pets? yep! a kitty

do you want to change your name? not really, i cant really picture myself with any other name tbh

what did you do for your last birthday? my friend took me out to brickwall tavern and i had a really good chicken pot pie

what time did you wake up? for work i have to get up at like 6 or 6:30 but when im not working it depends on how late i stayed up the previous night lolol

what were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping

name something you can’t wait for: to move the fuck ooouuutttt and also to have enough money to go on a trip somewhere ive been dying to travel

when was the last time you saw your mum: last night cause uuhhh i live at home still :’)

what are you listening to right now? the sound of my own typing

have you ever talked to a person named tom? yeh!!  i was friends with a guy named tom in college and we had a lot of studio classes together but i havent talked to him in a while

something that is getting on your nerves: work related things

most visited website: its between tumblr youtube and facebook i kinda just check those three on an endless loop all the time

hair colour: blonde but im trying to grow the color out so my natural colors coming through (its like a light brown)

long or short hair: suuuuuuuper long i havent gotten a haircut in like a year

do you have a crush on someone? yeh sort of

what do you like about yourself? im smart and funny and actually have some common sense B) B) B)

piercings: just one on each ear

blood type: omg i used to know this and i forgot but i think im AB something

nickname: ernie B)

zodiac: capricorn

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): Rupauls Drag Race, Steven Universe, Legion, Chewing Gum, Bob’s Burgers, Louie, Black Mirror, Face Off

tattoos: none but i want one sooo baaaddd

right or left handed: left!

surgery: got my wisdom teeth removed and got a mole excised but thats it

sport: played basketball for 2 weeks in the 1st grade lololol

vacation: last time i went on a legit vacation was last year to Cape Cod with the fam

pair of trainers: sketchers B)

more general

eating: nothing right now but i just had a panera sandwich & chips & a cookie for lunch

drinking: water

i’m about to: avoid doing more work for the next like 10 minutes

waiting for: this day to be over so i can go home and sleep

want: to go to the beach again before summers over but the weathers been so crappy

get married: i honestly dont want to???  like if i settle down with someone and they wanna get married i would but if they didnt id be cool with that too

career: just trying to make money and pay my bills tbh i havent done what i actually enjoy doing (art) in months

which is better?

hugs or kisses: ive never been kissed before but i think id enjoy kisses more tbh

lips or eyes: waahhh this is a hard one!!!  uuhhhh eyes

shorter or taller: taller

older or younger: older or same age

nice arms or nice stomach: both please (but nice arms is always gud)

hookup or relationship: relationship!

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant but its my secret fantasy to be a troublemaker rebel lil shit who doesnt care about anything and like has millions of piercings and a shaved head and wears leather jackets all the time u feel me

have you ever

kissed a stranger: nope!

drank hard liquor: thats literally all i drink lolol

lose glasses/contact lenses: i lost my glasses multiple times as a child my parents were not happy with me

turned someone down: yeah a few times and i honestly regret it but im such a nervous anxiety-ridden lil shit its a vicious cycle

sex on the first date: prob not i would get nervous just kissing someone on the first date

had your heart broken: oh yeah

been arrested: nope!  just pulled over a couple times

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: hehehehehehehehehehehehehe

do you believe in

yourself: recently not really but im trying

miracles: not really??  its nice to think that miracles do happen but im not spiritual/religious enough to fully believe in them

love at first sight: hell no its a lie

santa claus: i mean who else gives me sick presents certainly not my parents who eerily have the same exact handwriting as santa claus

kiss on the first date: never been kissed never kissed anyone so no

angels: idk about this one cause i like to think that somehow family members who have died are looking out for me???  but again my atheist ass finds it hard to believe

other

eye colour: green!

favourite movie: u cant ask me this do u know how many movies ive seen i cant even count all my fave movies on both my hands

idfk who else to tag cause all the people i know have already been tagged so if u see this and u follow me DO IT IF U HAVENT ALREADY DONE IT!!!!!!!

[deeeknows]

Wowwwwo im honored and excited for you to read this blog. This one was hard for me to write so dont hate me if it is less easy to understand. Id love to discuss anything you guys hate/love in the comments. See you on the other side.

June 28

today was a big day for me as i was looking forward to taking my math assessment all day. i should have studied but hindsight is 20/20. what i will note is my trip with Uesin. he selflessly gave up his afternoon to drive me to my house, to get food, and then to lanham. What i appreciate about him is how thoughtful all of his actions are. not even just the ones that place me on the receiving end but rather how he places purpose in every decision he makes. i want my relationship with God to mirror how his looks in these ways one day. but after we the assessment i drive back and there is a group meeting centered around Vaughn and he was telling us about his relocation story. a very humbling experience but it seems like God does that to many people that being give them a task they cannot complete on their own. Important Part There is no way for me to claim i trust God with my life and then not my child’s life. so when i feel called to move into the city and education for my child comes up i dont think I want the best for my children. i want what God has for my family and i trust that following his will we do the rest. secondly i learned there is no way to do this alone. no matter how much i tell myself i hate people and want to be alone community is neeeeeeded for relocation. not only will God get you plugged into the city but he will plant you in community with folks with the same mission as you. your church should represent where you live and the values of Christ. make the sacrifices needed to do Gods work if youre going to go there you might as well all the way do it. Important Part people call tell when youre just moving in as compared to bringing Jesus into their Community.

June 29

without much change in my day to day this week i was eager to see where my life would be challenged. my first adventure came when i went further out of the city with Megan and Lestle to the bank. our walk confused me slightly because of what i anticipated to be true about the city was just not lining up to be true at all. everyone thinks the city is the worst part of baltimore but Important Part i am starting to believe i have reason to believe that the people who live outside the city before they are in the county technically that have the most strenuous places. ostracized from the county because they arent good enough and without the “resources” of the city. its a hard life out here. fastforward to dinner time im walking to hiphop chicken and a woman starts screaming to me if i want to buy any movies. its in my nature to stop and talk because i just cant pretend like i cant hear someone speaking directly to me or keep walking when someone is trying to get my attention. so tell her i dont have any interest in any DVDs or console games or perfume but that also wasnt good enough for her. so she crosses the street to better communicate her need for a dollar just have something to drink. the thing that was catching me was we were on our way to eat dinner and i had already decided i wasnt going to spend my money because i wasnt to hungry. so i told her i didn’t have any singles but she can have and i assured her that if i did she would be in luck. shortly after i ended up giving her the 5 to her surprise and she starts crying. i ask her name and then she tells me and i say i will be praying for her but my family group was standing a ways off and were waiting for me to go to dinner. as i tried to walk away she reaches out for me and asks for me to pray for her now. by the time im finished she is in full blown tears and i just gotta go because i cant be out here crying in these streets. i tell this story because i think for me and her it was more than about the mere 5. Important Part while the 5 would get her something to drink it wasnt going to meet all of her needs and we both knew that. the immediacy she wanted her interaction with her Savior right then. and it just teaches me not walk past anyone again because besides “costing me” 5 dollars which was only mine for all of 5 minutes i was able to be with her in her interaction which i believe she will remember way longer than she will remember the 5 i dont even remember what it looked like.

June 30

Who am I. Question I’ve found in all of my conversations since Sunday. Looking for ways I could define myself without telling people what I’m not. Today’s thought provoking comments came by the brilliant minds of Feitian and Lestle. After I was taking notes on my Asian culture 101 class I started to realize my questions weren’t specific to myself and that many other people groups go through the very same things I do. Seeking to find ones self. Feitian communicated to me the exact thing that I knew I couldn’t have been the only other person thinking. That people don’t want to know you, they’d rather skip all the time it would take to get to know each person and use what they have gathered previously through most times skewed lens to contextualize you. Important Part Who you are and who you aren’t are two different people trapped in one body. And most times we are stuck in between looking for someone else to shine some light on us to help determine where our strengths and almost-strengths lie. But I didn’t come to this until the 3 of us went around and spoke about how we were having such immense difficulty communicating who we were to the next person or how hard it was without describing what we weren’t. I believe we live in our pursuit for purpose in our lives and we start with figuring out who we are and what we like. Most times we never make it to the second part without placing our identity in Christ. Important Part It sounds super corny but I have been thinking all week and those are the only concrete things I can describe myself with that others cannot change the definitions to. Who knows. Maybe one day I won’t be afraid of someone knowing me better than I do. But I can’t call it as of yet.

July 1

Writing this a day after wasn’t my smartest idea yet. But we didn’t do as much. It was comprised of a seminar on racial reconciliation. while this seems like a super broad topic and it is. the main parts of what we were doing were focused around a couple steps that really broke down the process into knowing who you are racially and ethnically and what that means for our society and how can we knowing our differences work to create heaven on earth. this whole seminar was a challenge as to what i thought heaven was going to look like. i can see now what a real working definition of unity looks like. unity is fully realized in diversity. as a puzzle works there are many many pieces and they are all shaped through cultures and experiences they have been in. Important Part we needed more than 1 uniqueshape to complete the image of God and thats what unity is about. accepting people who are different from you and working with them because we all together reflect God

After the seminar we went on a trip to the National Blacks in Wax museum. While it was a learning experience i would have enjoyed maybe another hour or 7 to properly pace myself to get to really digest the museum. The worst part about this whole thing for me is in the idea that many of the atrocious acts that were used to oppress black people in the past were not only “based” out of christian beliefs but also done by christian people. So to think about reconciliation for me is to attach myself to an agent that was used to divide people in the past didnt sound appealing at all. Important Part But i realize i serve a God that is big enough to take what some people manipulated to hurt and dehumanize my people and redeem not only what was taken but Christ’s name. This is so important to me because the more broken the more we can see God’s grace cover many times over.

July 2

as practicing sabbath becomes more and more a thing im getting used to im thankful for the time im putting aside to be alone. lol and be with

God. i went over to the Zubeks home and there i met so many new friends. these people im starting to see work together to get your will done and i say the way teamwork looks. vision casting and group work does more and helps to create a community that is dependent on each other. every part of me hates being dependent on someone else but im trying my best to do more than just isolate myself and grow to work with people towards a common goal. but today i went to worship at a mass. it was so new and short i didnt even realize it was over when it was. a different pace but not something i dont think id do long team. i dont see enough variability for myself. i like the experience. id want to get to understand why they do all of what they do for their practices.

July 3

monday was a day that we began to get back into everything with brother Jeff. as a starter we spent about 30 minutes in prayer interceding on behalf of the kids who were just coming back from camp, playing in the league, and the coaches. This is so valuable to me because of what the kids experienced while they were at summers best 2 weeks. This christian camp was a structure and environment that many different kids have in. Brother Jeff took these 7 kids and they all took MAJOR steps in their walk with Christ. And this is great to see but everyone isnt going to be at the best 2 weeks forever and the situations these kids are coming back to isnt one that would accidentally foster them to continue to grow. Important Part Which is why we were fighting in prayer for these kids to meet us halfway so we can continue to pour into them while they are around. becoming an intercessor is exciting me more and more because im becoming like my momma and i see the importance and value of what she does so well. pray for others. i might have to get me one of those closets that dont have a door since i feel like id get locked in and die. but thats besides the point. we then went shopping for the 4th and the weekend for him before coming back home and doing more admin things. then my favorite part of it all. spending time with the youth came. we took timmy*** to the park to hoop for quite some time. seeing and getting these kids to be themselves and slowly begin to look up to myself and lestle and begin to ASK us questions just shows how willing and eager they are to learn. cant wait for more times.

July 4

Writing this blog now I’m still experiencing the 4th in the city and so the nonstop fireworks kept me awake enough to write this entry. To begin my 4th I went to brother Jeffs home and had a cookout with the kids and some of his closest mentees. Over a couple games of uno, burgers, and corn we discussed among many other things honor. While it might seem like a little thing to you guys honor for these kids is VERY VERY important. As I believe it should be for everyone but in biased. Honor and respect is given to those who earn it and something you would never give up on your own accord without a fight. While I know this to be true in my life it didn’t settle in how serious this was until asked point blank where put in a situation you had to Choose walking away with your life or dying with your pride that some would choose to die. Not only did this seem almost ludicrous to me but it wasn’t until shortly after that “death before dishonor” really held any weight. Not only were these kids being put in these situations but they were being forced to make these decisions and would rather die and be known as a real one that held to their values than to flake even when your life is on the line. I love it when someone teaches me something new about myself and this was definitely a time i could realize who i was and where i could grow, Because just putting it in my Blog doesnt mean id be willing to give up my life for anything. Important Part These soldiers would be rocking it in the army of God but until we can get them to stand on the solid rock of Jesus things prolly not gon stay too bright.

My second part of my day I want to compare firework experiences. While they aren’t entertaining to me I enjoy seeing others amused by them. To start off we went to the Zubek Home to watch then after our crab feast. People start to filter onto the roof of their rowhome in SOWEBO and lean up pretty much with their significant others. As people all around the city shoot of their fireworks the thing that stuck out most to me in this situation was how people were celebrating. The laid back privileged group of christians versus the constant street show that we watched for close to an hour as they blocked off stricker less than 50 meters from our home opens my eyes to so many things and actually visible comfort zones. Important Part I want to remember to that the people in Baltimore are not here to put on a show for me on my rooftop but rather that im challenged to learn, experience, and love on the people to try and better understand them. Connections work wonders as we watched and listened to the fireworks go off from 9-2 am non stop.

While this blog was harder for me to write i think there were less Important Parts as well and i dont want yah to hate me for it. Hopefully the ones ive pointed out in this last week add help with anything you might have experienced once upon a time. My last impressions would be to find 3 things you can tell me about yourself without telling me who you arent. My challenge would be to try a vegetarian lifestyle for a week. And my question would be where would you put yourself on the death before dishonor scale?

[amuelle]

The prequel…

How did we get here? Drunk and uninvited…

Younger Amo didn’t find him attractive when we first. I could tell he had something charming about him but my love for grandeur and risky business blinded me. At the time he seemed safe. There was something missing for me that made him unimpressive, memorable, but still just not exciting and that was that. In 2014 I met with a mutual friend and she couldn’t stop telling me how he had been asking about me. I asked about his status. Like me, he was newly single. I don’t like hook ups so I told my friend not to give him my number. I was running the streets and so was he. I knew I’d see him eventually.

I remember that winter, my mother got me a beautiful white coat for my birthday. Every time I wore it I felt invincible. He had been the last thing on my mind till I saw him. It felt like I hadn’t seen him in years. Like he had spent the last two years travelling the world. He had changed. Everything about him had changed. His aura was less unsure and incredibly seductive. Since hearing he was looking for me I hadn’t seen him. But since we were both running the streets it was inevitable we ran into each other.  Shrouded in white wool on the tail end of a two tequila shot high. I started a conversation that would ultimately change my life….

Me: I heard you’ve been looking for me? Why were you looking for me?

Dark Adonis: I wanted to talk to you.

Me: Talk to me now.

Dark Adonis: Not here, not like this.

Me: Give me your number?

Dark Adonis: (gives me his number)

Me: Don’t worry. I’ll use it…

(Note to self: I was such a bad ass!!!)

My night continued, I drank, I danced then he circled back around. It was magic. I can’t remember the exact contents of the conversation. I just remember the feeling. It felt like common sense leaving my body. The exact moment the match stick rubs against the sandpaper and the friction creates enough heat to make fire. It was INCREDIBLE!! Like Tyler said, it’s the dirt coloured eyes, between those and his smile I was mesmerized! 3am. He offered to take home but i declined so he walked me out and there under the lights in the parking lot of Maseru Mall not caring who saw. The hug turned into a kiss that lasted a little too long for what was supposed to be just good night. For the next almost 3 years of my life when it came to this man I would be unable to think rationally and it was all because of that kiss.

I lamented for what felt like days till I finally used his number. I wanted to be available but not too available. I had gotten the number on Saturday night but only on Tuesday did I finally cave. That one ‘Hi, its Amo.’ turned into midday phone calls, chocolates delivered to my office, inside jokes, kisses under the moonlight and so much reading between the lines on my part. There was never a firm offer. I knew I was clowning. I didn’t care. The attention felt like love because I wasn’t used to it.

We NEVER saw each other during the week. There were very few instances when he would initiate contact when we weren’t in person. In person his whole demeanor would change. He would act like I came there specifically to see him and he had asked me to even though I hadn't. He treated me like an answer to his prayers and even though he was only giving 20% that 20% felt AMAZING! He would leave whatever and whomever he was with. I always acted like I didn’t want more and that the 20% was enough. It never was.I couldn’t get enough. I always wanted more but it was clear he didn’t want to give more. Still I continued to hope. In my mind the chemistry between us and the “apparent” feelings we both had would be enough to spawn something more. Not necessarily a relationship but something that felt less like purgatory. I was wrong! He had secrets. When you ask someone if they are single and they pause before answering and then say yes. The yes is never convincing. The story was they had just broken up and they ran in the same circles. But NO they weren’t together. It was convincing because I wanted it to be. I knew at that moment I was choosing to ignore a large red flag. I went colour blind...WHAT FLAG????!

So we continued to be half in, half out and both not talking about the elephant in the room. It had been months. Week after week it became less of an issue for me and it clearly didn’t bother him. I’m not sure how I wanted it to end. I don’t even know how he came up in conversation but the instant I heard “yeah, I know him. He is dating so and so”. It felt like my ears were betraying me. It couldn’t be that this person who was an idea for so long, was actually real. A real person and a person I actually knew. I knew her, where she lived, who her friends were, how she made her money. LISTEN TO ME. I. KNEW. HER! I was CRUSHED! There are few moments in my life where I can say I have felt like a part of me died. This was one of those moments.

I decided that this was a conversation that needed to be had. How could he have forgotten to mention that they got back together?? Or were broken up and still dabbling, whatever they were doing he should have told me because now he had me looking like stupid!

We talked about it. Between my inability to be honest with myself and his relaxed “honest” ways I never had a chance. He just said he had told  me about it. As if it would hurt me less to find he hadn't told me the whole truth. I was gutted, however  this wasn’t a deal breaker for me. I mean, it was and it wasn’t. I knew now that I had to let go but I also knew that I would never say no if he called, texted or came to see me and LIE to me some more. Those words, ‘I want to see you’, ‘you are important to me’ clouded my vision. 

I took a few weeks away from him. Absolutely no contact and I was miserable. I even dated a whole other person and still I yearned for him. I missed him. Being together felt so good I didn’t understand why he didn't want that. I remember beginning to unravel. I was still pretending his presence didn’t affect me but when I saw him being led outside the spot we were at by a female my blood began to boil. It wasn’t the girlfriend and I couldn’t figure out what to do next….Where were they going? What were they going to do there?… should follow them and see for myself?? I stood there feeling crazy, took a big gulp of my drink…and I followed them.

This was the moment, walking around aimlessly in the parking that lot I caught myself.

Inner Me: AMO-HE-LANG…What on earth are you doing?? He doesn’t love you, he never did and even if he does care….it’s not enough.

All the nights I had ditched my friends for him, every time I had gone out of my way for him. ALL the hurt feelings finally made sense. It was all for nothing. The feelings were not reciprocated. There I was standing alone in the parking lot trying to catch a glimpse of him doing something shady but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I had put myself in this situation by ignoring the truth that he just wasn’t that into me.

Shortly after realizing I’d never win a series of tragedies then befell me. I lost my job, got fat, went on a vacation I could not afford and found myself in debt. I was in a hole I had no idea how to climb out of…and then my sister got a call and she decided to change cities. I don’t remember how the conversation started but I remember her saying ‘You could come live with me for a few months and see what opportunities are out there for you’ and that’s when I decided to move. The Sunday before the Monday of the move I found myself desperate to see him. I felt the need to say good bye. Drunk and uninvited sitting on the couch.I was replaying the events that had got me here. It was too late to leave, I was here now and I remembered EVERYTHING...

 Bisou…bisou

[emlydunstan]

7 Tips to Help You Find the Right Therapist (and Why You Need One)

My mother believes everyone needs therapy. And she’s right, they do. After being around her. Everyone, that is, except her. Don’t be like my mother, requiring the world to change around you. (It won’t.) And don’t be like my Dad either, who tells me I’m overreacting every time I have an emotion. Don’t be like me, either, an asshole exploiting her parents for profit. Wait. Do you need therapy? Probably. Could you benefit from therapy? Definitely. Can you afford therapy? More easily than you think. Many therapists keep sliding scale spots open in their practice, for those who need help but don’t have health insurance or a large income. I found my current gem of a therapist through Open Path Collective, a network of clinicians who offer therapy at a rate of $30 to $60 per session for individuals.It was a therapist who first told me that I wasn't in therapy because I was bad and out of control, like my mother said; I was in therapy to learn how to deal with having an emotionally unstable mother. And I didn't talk too much and ask too many questions; actually I was curious, the therapist said, and had a lot to say.It was a therapist who said: “I can’t see you and your husband at the same time, the relationship is too damaged and he just shuts down and threatens to end it.” The same therapist asked “Are you drinking every single night?” And, ��Have you tried AA?” And when I couldn’t get myself to stop or go to AA, she found a rehab, called my parents, and helped make all the arrangements from her office.It hasn’t been all Aha! moments and cleansing cries on couches though. I’ve had a couple of negative experiences. None, however, were as negative as the summer I tried to therapize myself on my own with just books. That experiment ended with me smoking crack for the first time, shooting up heroin while smoking crack (neither of those were my thing, but that summer!), and my first DUI.Maybe you’re surviving - but you could be thriving. It might be helpful to look for a therapist who specializes in addiction or whatever you believe your specific issues are, but it’s not necessary. Your intuition is your greatest asset in your search. If you don’t like your therapist, leave and find another one. Repeat until you have the seven experiences I describe below.1. Your emotions are validated.Therapy helps you accept that your emotions are valid, something our culture certainly doesn’t want you to do. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings is an underrated gift. Your emotions may seem out of proportion to the event that caused them, and that’s okay. You learn that they are actually a response triggered by the event to a deeper, older wound. You will learn, as the poet Rumi said, to “meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.”2. You get to talk about anything you want.This is one of the most exciting things with a trusted therapist, thinking what would I like to discuss today? The toxic friendship I want to find the courage to give up; that awful conversation with my dad; or do I want to recount everything that happened this week? It’s all up to you! You can plan it in advance, and you don’t even have to stick to the plan, you can talk about whatever comes up! Where else do you have this kind of freedom, where you don’t have to dance around sensitive issues, where there is no fear of being judged that isn’t your own projection, where you are safe, completely safe, to talk about the most trivial and most traumatizing of issues? What joy! The time is truly yours.3. You don’t have to caretake or worry about anyone else’s thoughts or feelings.If you aren’t worried about your friend’s thoughts and feelings at all and constantly dump your problems on them, quit being an asshole. That isn’t their job, even if they think it is. The only thing addicts are better at finding than their drug is codependents. Your therapist is one of only people in the world with whom you don’t have this burden. This doesn’t mean you should abuse them, just that you don’t have to worry if they are sick of hearing about your dumb boyfriend again. 4. Unconditional presence.Therapists are masters at the art of holding space. They are fully with you as you explore the pains and confusions of life. You are never too much, never unacceptable. You just are. We live in a culture that doesn’t teach anything unconditional, least of all love and presence. People have to learn how to do it. Your therapist knows how, and it is their job to provide this for you. Your therapist isn’t invested in pushing the journey to a certain place for their own benefit. They are just there to walk with you along the way. My therapist held that space and accepted me until I could learn to accept myself. When I beat myself up after another relapse, she didn’t join in. Her unconditional presence and nonjudgmental interest helped me to finally break that pattern.5. You’re given the space to work out your problems on your own.Therapists aren’t there to solve your problems for you. They are impartial witnesses, bringing a gentle, open, and noncritical attitude to your experience. It’s the exact opposite of my childhood. I can tell you from experience that nothing feels better than figuring out a problem on your own, with someone with no skin in the game standing by as a witness, someone who only wants to see you do well and who isn’t going to scold you when you fall (but will encourage you to explore why).6. They notice, and can help point out your patterns.After I stopped obsessing about a man who treated me carelessly, my therapist pointed out that I had a pattern of acting as if sex was all I had to offer and offering it to people who didn’t deserve it. I remember the moment because she said it so gently, as a question, and then she paused. She knew to bring it up only after I had described a scenario which shown I had grown in self-love and respect. It blows my mind how she is able to hold back until the moment is right. I had a previous therapist who I never let get a single word in, and when I finally asked after a year, “What do you think?” She said, “I thought you’d never ask!” She told me that she had been planning to bring it up soon, but that she sensed that it was going to take what it took for me to learn to trust her.7. Safety.Before we can change anything, we first need to get to a place of safety. I breathe a huge sigh of relief every time I walk into my therapist’s office. There is nothing more important than feeling safe. And it is so rare in this world, in this time. To paraphrase the great Eddie Pepitone, “It’s a sign that a society is falling apart when murder is entertainment, though the Ted Bundy special was very good.” I can’t think of anyone I know who hasn’t had their car broken into, or their body broken into, or their mind hijacked by the needs of another who didn’t see them as real. Therapy is a true safe space. And in therapy, you can learn to create safe space within yourself, which is something nobody can take from you. In conclusion, get a therapist. I mean it. What are you waiting for? Give your friends a break. Learn to see your parents as flawed humans who did the best they could. Lean on your sponsor for no more and no less than they can handle. Get. A. Therapist. You don’t have to stay stuck anymore, you don’t have to keep hurting yourself with a million tiny infractions. Help yourself. Allow yourself to be helped.I love you. Especially the nastiest among you. You need it the most. Leave your excuses in the comments.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://www.thefix.com/7-tips-help-you-find-right-therapist-and-why-you-need-one

[alexdmorgan30]

7 Tips to Help You Find the Right Therapist (and Why You Need One)

My mother believes everyone needs therapy. And she’s right, they do. After being around her. Everyone, that is, except her. Don’t be like my mother, requiring the world to change around you. (It won’t.) And don’t be like my Dad either, who tells me I’m overreacting every time I have an emotion. Don’t be like me, either, an asshole exploiting her parents for profit. Wait. Do you need therapy? Probably. Could you benefit from therapy? Definitely. Can you afford therapy? More easily than you think. Many therapists keep sliding scale spots open in their practice, for those who need help but don’t have health insurance or a large income. I found my current gem of a therapist through Open Path Collective, a network of clinicians who offer therapy at a rate of $30 to $60 per session for individuals.It was a therapist who first told me that I wasn't in therapy because I was bad and out of control, like my mother said; I was in therapy to learn how to deal with having an emotionally unstable mother. And I didn't talk too much and ask too many questions; actually I was curious, the therapist said, and had a lot to say.It was a therapist who said: “I can’t see you and your husband at the same time, the relationship is too damaged and he just shuts down and threatens to end it.” The same therapist asked “Are you drinking every single night?” And, “Have you tried AA?” And when I couldn’t get myself to stop or go to AA, she found a rehab, called my parents, and helped make all the arrangements from her office.It hasn’t been all Aha! moments and cleansing cries on couches though. I’ve had a couple of negative experiences. None, however, were as negative as the summer I tried to therapize myself on my own with just books. That experiment ended with me smoking crack for the first time, shooting up heroin while smoking crack (neither of those were my thing, but that summer!), and my first DUI.Maybe you’re surviving - but you could be thriving. It might be helpful to look for a therapist who specializes in addiction or whatever you believe your specific issues are, but it’s not necessary. Your intuition is your greatest asset in your search. If you don’t like your therapist, leave and find another one. Repeat until you have the seven experiences I describe below.1. Your emotions are validated.Therapy helps you accept that your emotions are valid, something our culture certainly doesn’t want you to do. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings is an underrated gift. Your emotions may seem out of proportion to the event that caused them, and that’s okay. You learn that they are actually a response triggered by the event to a deeper, older wound. You will learn, as the poet Rumi said, to “meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.”2. You get to talk about anything you want.This is one of the most exciting things with a trusted therapist, thinking what would I like to discuss today? The toxic friendship I want to find the courage to give up; that awful conversation with my dad; or do I want to recount everything that happened this week? It’s all up to you! You can plan it in advance, and you don’t even have to stick to the plan, you can talk about whatever comes up! Where else do you have this kind of freedom, where you don’t have to dance around sensitive issues, where there is no fear of being judged that isn’t your own projection, where you are safe, completely safe, to talk about the most trivial and most traumatizing of issues? What joy! The time is truly yours.3. You don’t have to caretake or worry about anyone else’s thoughts or feelings.If you aren’t worried about your friend’s thoughts and feelings at all and constantly dump your problems on them, quit being an asshole. That isn’t their job, even if they think it is. The only thing addicts are better at finding than their drug is codependents. Your therapist is one of only people in the world with whom you don’t have this burden. This doesn’t mean you should abuse them, just that you don’t have to worry if they are sick of hearing about your dumb boyfriend again. 4. Unconditional presence.Therapists are masters at the art of holding space. They are fully with you as you explore the pains and confusions of life. You are never too much, never unacceptable. You just are. We live in a culture that doesn’t teach anything unconditional, least of all love and presence. People have to learn how to do it. Your therapist knows how, and it is their job to provide this for you. Your therapist isn’t invested in pushing the journey to a certain place for their own benefit. They are just there to walk with you along the way. My therapist held that space and accepted me until I could learn to accept myself. When I beat myself up after another relapse, she didn’t join in. Her unconditional presence and nonjudgmental interest helped me to finally break that pattern.5. You’re given the space to work out your problems on your own.Therapists aren’t there to solve your problems for you. They are impartial witnesses, bringing a gentle, open, and noncritical attitude to your experience. It’s the exact opposite of my childhood. I can tell you from experience that nothing feels better than figuring out a problem on your own, with someone with no skin in the game standing by as a witness, someone who only wants to see you do well and who isn’t going to scold you when you fall (but will encourage you to explore why).6. They notice, and can help point out your patterns.After I stopped obsessing about a man who treated me carelessly, my therapist pointed out that I had a pattern of acting as if sex was all I had to offer and offering it to people who didn’t deserve it. I remember the moment because she said it so gently, as a question, and then she paused. She knew to bring it up only after I had described a scenario which shown I had grown in self-love and respect. It blows my mind how she is able to hold back until the moment is right. I had a previous therapist who I never let get a single word in, and when I finally asked after a year, “What do you think?” She said, “I thought you’d never ask!” She told me that she had been planning to bring it up soon, but that she sensed that it was going to take what it took for me to learn to trust her.7. Safety.Before we can change anything, we first need to get to a place of safety. I breathe a huge sigh of relief every time I walk into my therapist’s office. There is nothing more important than feeling safe. And it is so rare in this world, in this time. To paraphrase the great Eddie Pepitone, “It’s a sign that a society is falling apart when murder is entertainment, though the Ted Bundy special was very good.” I can’t think of anyone I know who hasn’t had their car broken into, or their body broken into, or their mind hijacked by the needs of another who didn’t see them as real. Therapy is a true safe space. And in therapy, you can learn to create safe space within yourself, which is something nobody can take from you. In conclusion, get a therapist. I mean it. What are you waiting for? Give your friends a break. Learn to see your parents as flawed humans who did the best they could. Lean on your sponsor for no more and no less than they can handle. Get. A. Therapist. You don’t have to stay stuck anymore, you don’t have to keep hurting yourself with a million tiny infractions. Help yourself. Allow yourself to be helped.I love you. Especially the nastiest among you. You need it the most. Leave your excuses in the comments.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://ift.tt/2VXB2CR

[astralsecrets]

Dream - A Troubled Mind & Searching For Anita & She Saves The Day & I Own This Shopping Centre

Date of Dream: THU 20 SEP - 2018 Dream No. 428 - Separated Sections Dream 428 A - A Troubled Mind The dream started with all the WarioWare characters in this one room that I had never been into in real life. At first, they were all just casually conversing in there. I clearly remembered seeing Wario, Mona, Dribble and Spitz, Kat and Ana, Dr. Crygor, 9-Volt and 18-Volt and many others. There was then this teenage girl that came up me to me, looking really upset. She was a distorted version of LA, having the exact same facial features as her but looking rather totally Gothic and severely depressed. I asked her what was wrong but I forgot what she told me. I said that I would her to go and talk to 18-Volt as he’s been treated in a similar fashion for not fitting as a kid, “the other room are all a bunch of bullies”… I was referring to the rest of the WarioWare characters. The girl then followed me as I walked around and started calling for 18-Volt. Dream 428 B - Searching For Anita I entered back into what seemed to be the same dream. I was walking around in my house and wandering into the front room when I thought to myself, “What should I name this girl?”. I thought about naming her Jessica but then realised that one of my friends already had the name. I finally decided that I would call her Anita. So now, I was walking around the house, trying to find Anita. I ended up walking towards the bedrooms and when I went into my bedroom, I saw a rather scary sight. I saw a version of myself lying in my own bed! She looked exactly as I would at night time, she was wearing the same nightie that was on me in waking life and her hair was in the exact same mess. I forgot what she said at the start but she was nasty and I was feeling rather creeped out by my own clone. I thought it wasn’t going to end well but after talking some more, my clone and I actually got along really well! Once I had finished talking to my clone, I continued to look for Anita. When I found her, she had exactly the same appearance and behaviour as she did in 428 A. We eventually got to 18-Volt but before I could even get a word in, in-fact, at the first glimpse of him, the dream faded out on me. Dream 428 C - She Saves The Day The dream started again I was looking for 18-Volt with Anita, she had exactly the same appearance and behaviour as in 428 A and 428 B. The dream thought suddenly changed the location to be at the grounds of Killester College. I walked in, with Anita following me, and when I look up the driveway, there is Dreamy WB as a hologram, hovering and prompting for us to come over to her. She wasn’t human sized but she wasn’t massive either. She looked really beautiful and glamorous as she sported her school summer uniform. I thought she was just going to comfort Anita but then she also signalled that she wanted me up on her lap as well. Both Anita and I got up and occupied one of Dreamy WB’s legs, then receiving a long, hard hug from her. Apparently she hugged Anita due to her initial stress but Dreamy WB could also tell I was upset from failing to reach 18-Volt, me thinking that he didn’t want to see us. I thought Dreamy WB was going to take us somewhere but after a few seconds, Anita and I actually hopped off her. Anita then thanks me and walks out of the gates of the college, ultimately leaving the dream. I then decide what I want to do with myself and I end up heading out as well. When I am out of the school grounds, I am at the bus area and my parents are also there. There are four teachers that I end up talking to; they were Ms M, Mr Gr, Mr K and Mr M. I can’t remember what else happened in this dream. Dream 428 D - I Own This Shopping Centre I can’t remember how the dream started. From where I can remember, I was walking along the bottom floor of this shopping centre that I was apparently the owner of. The shops though didn’t look like any shops that exist in real life and rather, it all felt like a cheap and junkie international food section. Though later in the dream, I was taking my brother through the same area and there was one place that I thought he’d like; apparently a Scnitz existed. I was then back at the level 2 car park in which I called that car park H2, so the car park below me would be H1 and the one above would be H3. I went up the travelator to this time enter level 2 of the shopping centre. At first, the shops didn’t look to impressive but eventually, I came across a “Budget David Jones”. I then continued to explore the shopping centre and there were some good shops around. Eventually, I went into the food court and noticed that UD ---> UU (she's married now) was working in one of the places; she was wearing a navy chefs uniform with red piping. The message then came into my head that there was now a restaurant complex on level 1, including a Grill’d and a Schnitz. I looked over the rails to see many neon lights but didn’t end up going down there. I continued through level 2 and eventually came to this outdoor area that connected from either level 2 or level 3. Then after that, I was back at the travelators where I had started. There were some traffic lights that were going green, amber and then red. I knew that when the traffic lights went red, the lifts were going to open, of the doors saying H2 and the other one saying L2. So I ran onto the travelator as fast I could. The dream ended there. Dream Tasks - Have Logan receive harsh penalties from Dreamy WB due to reckless social behaviours (Achieved? Partially) - Have all members on the dream guide team obtain and apply knowledge on how to provide in-dream discipline to unruly parents (Achieved? No) Challenges - Start the dream off with a dream guide already present (Achieved? No) Dream 428: Results (Competition #7) 428 A Competition Night: 19 Lucid or Non-Lucid?: Non-Lucid Dream Guide: None Emergency Team: None Eligible For Competition Points: Yes 428 B Competition Night: 19 Lucid or Non-Lucid?: Non-Lucid Dream Guide: None Emergency Team: None Eligible For Competition Points: Yes 428 C Competition Night: 19 Lucid or Non-Lucid?: Non-Lucid Dream Guide: Dreamy WB Emergency Team: None Eligible For Competition Points: Yes 428 D Competition Night: 19 Lucid or Non-Lucid?: Non-Lucid Dream Guide: None Emergency Team: None Eligible For Competition Points: Yes Points For This Entry: 12.0 Calculation Details: - Non-Lucid Fragment (0.5) - Full Non-Lucid Dream x3 (3.0) - Have a Dream Guide Appear Automatically: Dreamy WB - 428 C (0.5) - Help Some In Need - Over 3 Dreams (3.0) - Meet yourself from the future in person: Cloned Karla when she wakes up in the morning (5.0) + Previous Total: 67.0 Total Accumulated Points: 79.0

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8297989 https://www.dreamviews.com/blogs/karlab18/dream-troubled-mind-searching-anita-she-saves-day-i-own-shopping-centre-85492/

[azanycollectormilkshakeworl-blog]

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

"Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolutions.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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ok to make it real short i am going to turn 16 here in about 2 months here and there is this car ive wanted ever since i came out of my moms woumb lol. Literally this car is my all time dream car. They are not the most ammount of money in the world they are about 10-15k and i was wondering if id be able to pay payments each month when i have a job if i cant would i be able to give my mom/dad the money and they pay the insurence and payments. And also my dad i going to give me around 4k to put on a down payment. Please give me ways i can do it cuz i literally need this car its a dream of mine

18 Year old car insurance.?

Hello, I am looking at car insurance and the cheapest I can find is between 2,800 and 2,999 based on a corsa and the price changes depending on the year I put. I do not want a fancy car just something safe, secure and that I can drive. That quote only changes by about 50-100 by adding my mom and it goes up not down by doing so. This quote is tracker based with insure the box. Please can you advise on cars that may be cheaper or ways to cut the cost. I have had a licence 4 months but will be 5 in the new year so i am basing it on that. When just trying quotes based on 6 month licence (coming up soon) and with a 1 year no claims (can do with no claims accelerated insurance but not may companies and they say they not quote me) and the price was 1,8500. Thanks""

Why public opt for health insurance and not public opt for health auto insurance?

Just a random question. Auto insurance is required in most (if not all) states. Health insurance is not yet. They both cost about the same out of pocket. Just curious as to why people who support public option are not also complaining about the cost of mandatory liability.

Title insurance in WA?

My lender charged me about $2,100 (for both lender's and owner's title insurance) for a home price of about $260,000. Is this normal? How much the rate for title insurance in WA state? What is the best title insurance company in WA state? Thank you in advance. Jo""

Car insurance for teens. Do I NEED to be listed on my parents policy?

My parents have triple A auto insurance and I have recently gotten my drivers license. I have tried to research the requirements for insurance by law on the California DMV website and the most concrete statement I found was some numbers that cover various damages and injuries (DMV website is not working properly so I cannot look it up). My parents insurance obviously covers the basic and more. However, my parents policy states that Any relative that has consent of the owner to use the insured vehicle is covered by this policy - These are not the exact words as I don't have the policy on me, but it is pretty damn close. In the definitions portion of the policy, it states a relative as anyone related by blood, and some other stuff. I am my parents son so I am obviously related by blood, thus their policy coverage extends on to me when they give me permission to use their vehicle. I did not find ANY California laws that required me to be on the policy. i only found information that said I only need that minimum coverage which my parents policy does provide. We did contact triple A about this and they did not give us a reasonable answer. All they said was that they WANT my parents to add me because THOSE ARE THE RULES. Seems like they just want more money in their pockets. Can someone give some advice? Thanks.""

Car insurance groups 17/18 year old?

well im from London, 17 years old and will be 18 in about 1-2 months and i should have my full license by end of summer. I've been looking to buy a VW Golf 1.4 S mk4 as first car which is group insurance 4. I just checked on GoCompare for quotes but its giving me 6.5k per year for third party! WTF? and i tried on under my dad's policy quotes (frontin) and it only droped by about 250 quid... so about 6.25k. Why is it so high? do these prices sound right for group insurance 4?? i mean i know im young and i might give boy racer image to them but wow... if it doesn't sound right what am i doing wrong? what things does drop the quote? i put stuff like locked in garage an anything i could think of.""

Do I have to register my car and change my insurance if I am an out of state student in California?

My insurance company told me that I do not need to change my insurance since I am a student living outside of my home of record address. Now, I keep hearing that I need to register and smog test my car in California since I'm currently living there while attending school. If I do such a thing, does that not mean that I will have to change my insurance to California rates? I do not plan on residing in California post graduation, does this make a difference also? Someone please help....""

The cheapest car to insure for a 17 year old boy?

and dont just say lowest insurance group because iv been looking and so far its been a group 3 clio and iv looked at insurance for an aygo (group 1) i need real examples like i had a fiesta and it was blah not just small hatchbacks are cheap

How much does auto insurance cost?

How much does auto insurance cost?

WHere casn i get cheap insurance in toronto canada?

Hi guys i need help, where can iu get real cheap insurance for my car thanks""

Car Insurance claim or private repair?

Hi I have accidently damaged another car parked in private car park. I have been touch with the owner who has very kindly agreed to get her car repaired and not to go through insurance but she is insisting to get it repaired from garage of her choice who are charging double the amount of original cost. My first question is do I still need to inform my insurance company even though I have not given her any of my details yet. I am happy to get it repaired rather then loosing 10 year no claim bonus. Should I just agree to pay the garage of her choice or legally I can get a quote from another garage who might be cheaper? any advise would be very much appreciated. Thanks

Which is life insurance company is number one position?

Which is life insurance company is number one position?

""Where can I get cheap car insurance for a vw golf 1.4 51 reg? Im 17 and just passed, I'll b on parents policy?""

I will be on my parents policy, with a parent as the main driver and me as the named driver? Ive looked at tesco value and its coming up as 2500!!! i was hoping more along the lines of 1500""

Will I get dropped from my insurance?

i took a urine test with my doctor the other day. I asked what h was testing for and he said everything , so Im not sure what hes testing. He said he was gonna check for diabetes and what not. I was wondering, in the case he drug tests me can he tel my insurance? Can I get dropped from the insurance for this? I smoked weed about 5 weeks ago. I live in California amd hnet is my insurance. Thanks!""

What is a good health insurance? I need help please!?

I just turned 18 and am looking for cheap health insurances that cover well! I'm trying to get on social security disability, because I'm really sick all the time. I'm actually in the hospital right now on my phone!! But until they approve me I need good health insurance! PLEASE!! There's this $5.00 a day health insurance, is that alot????? I just don't know any comparison. Thanks.""

What can I do if my car insurance company denied my claim for inconsistency in my report?

Im going to lay down what happened and I would appreciate your opinion. It started when my 2007 gs eclipse clutch gave out the dealership close to my house wasn't a very professional looking place when it came to their shop they mistreated the cars that where there and had old rusted cars parked in their lot. So, I did not want to get it repaired there, I made a big fuss with mitsubishi but after sitting the car in my lot for 2 months I lost my job and I had to get it fixed there anyway cause of warranty issues and I needed my car to look for another job i'm a truck driver that's why it took 2 months and my car had 7000 miles on it i hardly ever used it. I noticed that after I had it back the cruise control wasn't working I didn't take it back because of the fear of something worse happening to it. My mom suggested that I get repair by my cousins husband so my mom handed me her cell phone called him and told me to bring it in the morning because he worked all day til 7pm and if i couldn't get to him to leave the key under the plant in front of the garage door (that call was on 6-24-09). I tried to get there early enough (6-25-09) but i missed him and no one was home so I placed the key under the plant and left I told the police officer that I had made a call to him after dropping the key but the phone number to reach him was on my moms cell phone. I thought I did I couldn't remember because I came back a day later for the car. After I walked home I thought id leave it there a day so he could find the problem, since he gets home at 7pm. When I got there on 6-26-09 my car wasn't there and they said they never saw it there so i called the police to see if it was towed it wasn't and the key wasn't there either, police came over and took my statement but on the report he stated that the car was stolen on 6-26-09 and the phone number I used to call to tell them I was leaving the car there was written down wrong. The insurance company said that the inconsistencies where that I did not use my cell to make a phone call on the 6-24-09 or 6-25-09 I told them that i used my mothers cell phone in the oath recorded meeting they recorded my statement a week after i reported my car stolen and i failed to tell them i used my mothers cell phone but they didn't ask and I also told them I called when I placed the key under the plant but I was confused because I had called my cousin twice on 6-24-09. I never failed to make a payment on any of my bills and i have good credit score I'm in fact almost done with my car payment. They also brought to my attention that I tried to sell the car but i have proof that i've been trying to sell my car since 2008 and there was a buyer and i have his emails that offered to buy my car with a $1000.00 profit for me. please tell me what do think i should do about this situation?""

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Do I need insurance just to keep the car?

I have a car in California, but I don't drive it right now because I moved to other state. (I asked my sister to keep it while I'm gone) But recently I received a Notice of Intent to Suspend that says DMV doesn't receive the report from the insurance company anymore, and I need to send the proof of the insurance. Do I need insurance when I don't drive my car? Please tell me! Thank you!""

How much does car insurance cost?

I'm an 18 year old male. My GPA in high school was 3.4. No criminal record. I'm going to be driving my mom's Honda Accord 2005. She only got into 2-3 accidents ever. She has Farmers Insurance. They never respond when my parents ask them how much insurance would cost me so I figured I should ask someone here for an estimate.

Garage fire insurance?

My parents garage caught fire this weekend. It started in one of the cars and burnt the entire thing down pretty much. Two cars, a boat, and a camper were lost in the fire. Now the insurance company (Farmers) is trying to say that none of those are included under home owners insurance because they have their own plates. The cars is semi-understandable because they have their own insurance, but the boat and camper don't. Beside the fact I'd like to say how crooked this is, I'd like to ask a question. Now the boat hasn't been registered in two years. Because of this we have been told by another insurance company that it should be covered considering it is there because it's not being used. Anyone out there have any idea if this is true or not?""

What is affordable insurance for nasal fracture (nose broken) in Texas?

i'm looking for insurance that cover foe nasal fracture that i can affort..I live in Texas .. i look for the cost for the doctor, and it is too much to pay put of my pocket without insurance""

Pay Per Mile Car Insurance - have you tried it?

I've heard from a friend about a pay per mile car insurance - as I only use my car on a Saturday it sounds ideal. Anyone have any links or recommendations?

Where can I get an honest auto insurance quote?

Hi I was wondering if anybody could point me in the direction of a website that gives honest auto insurance quotes? I have been looking to get an auto insurance quote online for quite some time now but most of the websites look like scams to me.... Thanks in advance!! -David

After a motorcycle wreck how much will my insurance go up?

After a motorcycle wreck how much will my insurance go up? I'm 21 and just got the bike a few months ago.

Will car insurance go up if I get a speeding ticket?

Will my car insurance rate go up if I got a speeding ticket? Im in California. This is the first one ever, and I've been driving for about 4 years now. Anyone with an answer? Thanks in advance!""

Buying a new car but confused on car insurance...what should I do?

I am going to be part exchanging my old car for a new one. In terms of car insurance I still have 2 months left so I believe its cheaper if I just go with another insurance company as my current insurance might charge a lot for just 2 months. I am thinking of using my previous insurance NCB( elephant 1 year ) for the new insurance as proof of my NCB but the problem is I sent my NCB 1(year) (elephant) to my current insurance(Directline). Basically I would like to know if its possible to use my previous NCB (Elephant) which I it proves I have 1 year no claims for the new car insurance. I done some research and found it that having 2 years NCB makes 20 compared to 1 year NCB. What should I do?

Car insurance for an 18 year old?

I was thinking about buying something like this: http://www4.autotrader.co.uk/classified/advert/201136414321909/sort/priceasc/usedcars/price-to/1000/model/corsa/make/vauxhall/postcode/hp100bg/page/1/radius/10?logcode=p (it's a 1996 1.2 Corsa LS), would I be able to get cheap(er) insurance if I asked to go on my dad's insurance (with Direct Line)?""

How much is it to insure this car?

I'm 17, B student, took Divers Ed, and my grandpa and I restored a 1998 Mercedes-Benz SLK230 Kompressor. The only problem I see is insurance. Does anyone have an estimate of how much this will cost per year?""

Is it illegal to have car insurance from Florida if you live in New York?

I'm a new driver and was interested in getting car insurance through my grandmother's policy in Florida, I have a mailing address out there and visit Florida once a year, but live in New York.""

How can we make health care insurance work like car insurance?

Everyone is familiar with how car insurance works. Its available to all. Its pretty cheap. They can't drop you from coverage even if you are a drunk driver. Once you have a accident they dont raise you rates too much. Why can't health care be more like Geico (insurance) and your local car repair man (doctor) and the DMV (government help)?

Will applying for medicaid affect the insurance I have now in any way?

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I am covered under my dad's insurance through Tricare. I remain eligible under his insurance until I am 23 and everything is full coverage. However, as soon as my baby is born he is not covered at all. I am looking into my options and I read that if I apply for medicaid now, then I can call the day my baby is born and just have him added on so that way he will have coverage right away. I am worried if I do try and apply for medicaid now that it will affect the insurance I am covered under now by Tricare. I do want to stay under tricare, I do not want to lose this insurance and its coverage if that is the case. I am also worried that since I have to wait until the baby is born to apply him for his own insurance through CHIP or Medicaid - whichever one he ends up qualifying - that I will have to wait a long time before he is actually covered and I know the baby is going to need check ups and a pediatrician right away. I am really worried about all this and wondering what is my best option and what I should do! Will I lose my insurance if I apply for Medicaid in advanced so my baby will be covered right away? Is my best option waiting until the day he is born and then applying? I also live in PA if that makes any difference. Anybody who can help out, thanks!""

Car insurance price difference?

I have just partially cleared my garage and want to know before i clear the rest of the garage and run around getting different quotes, how much cheaper is insurance parking in a garage rather than a drive.""

Car insurance under a company policy?

I've never owned a car in the UK and may be joining a company where I will need one. This company offers a car allowance and I'll probably use the car for business. Would I be covered under the company car insurance policy or would I still need to get a policy myself? I'm trying to avoid the massive bill given that I have no UK driving history :-)

Best non-owner liability coverage insurance?

What is the best non-owner liability coverage insurance in New York ?

How much would full coverage insurance be with 2 points on my license?

I am almost 24 and I want to get a new car but I'm not sure how much I can afford a month because I'm not sure how much full coverage insurance would be. I was recently in an accident so I have 2 points on my license and never paid full coverage so I have no idea around how much it would be.

Do I need a valid driver's license to have auto insurance?

I got pulled over by a cop the other day, and he asked for DL and insurance. I lost my DL along with my wallet months ago and I haven't had the time to go to DMV and re-take the test. Anyway, I showed my Texas ID and insurance and he said without a DL your insurance is not valid. They're pretty much just eating your money. So he gave me 3 citations: No DL, speeding, and no insurance. The ticket said if I had insurance at the time I got pulled over to show it to the payment window and it will be dismissed. I wanna know if I should do that or is the cop right and I'm completely done?!! Any good answers would help. BTW this was in LaPorte, Texas.""

What's a good car insurance but cheap car insurance?

or how about the cheapest one!!!lol I'm turning 18 so I'm aware that car insurance for people under 21 are really high, any suggestions? thank you!!!""

I am 16/m and looking for a cheap car insurances?

Im currently living in nyc, I am 16/m and looking for a cheap car insurances. Does anyone know of any?""

Can I use my student loan to pay for a car insurance bill?

I recently took out a student loan, and after doing research on it, I saw that I can only use it for school-related activities/items, such as paying foor books, tuition, fees, computer, etc. I also have a car insurance bill that's $140 a month, and I took out the student loan mainly for that. Now for the $140 dollar question; Am I allowed to use my student loan money to pay for my car insurance bill? I ask that because technically I'd be paying for a school-related item, because I can't drive to school without paying for car insurance, since that'd be illegal. So does anyone know if I can do that without getting into trouble? Anyone who has hands-on experience, or is an expert on this kind of thing, and can answer this TONIGHT PREFERABLY would be greatly appreciated!!""

How much money does car insurance go up per year after an accident that is your own fault?

My wife and I just had an accident in a parking lot in which we backed into another car that had almost completely backed out already. No one was hurt, but the damage caused by our car is between $1,000 and $1,500. We will not have the damage to our car repaired. This accident is our fault; however, both of us have had a completely perfect driving record up until now. We just want to know how much this accident is going to make our insurance go up.""

About health insurance....?

If u have 2 health insurances, whatever your primary doesn't cover, your secondary will? My primary insurance sucks, but then i have the Unions insurance as secondary.""

How do you have a baby without insurance?

alright so im not pregnant yet but my question is how do you get insurance and such when i finally get pregnant

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

How much does an automatic 2004 Nissan 350z insurance cost in vancouver b.c?

How much does an automatic 2004 Nissan 350z insurance cost in vancouver b.c?

Whats a good cheap sports car?

Hello i need some help. This is my situation I'm 20 years old i live in Connecticut and I'm looking to purchase a car (used). I have about $2k cash to put down on it. I would say my limit for price would be about 6-8k due to financing fees taxes etc (credit score of 731). Now what I'm looking for is a pretty fast sports car to use as my DD.(I currently have a 89 mustang lx 5.0 which gets about 10 mpg city) Not very economical as a DD when gas is over $4 a gallon. Anyways back on topic, I found a 2002 wrx for 8k but got quoted for an insurance rate of 2k-3k. So this is out of the question! I make about 200 a week at the moment and pay $100 cell phone bill and $100 a month for rent. So my funds are limited for insurance + car payments. Basically i need to know a reliable cheap fast sports car i can get a good insurance rate on. But it also has to get good fuel economy! Sorry for the long rant and me being so picky but please help!""

Health Insurance cost?

Hi im a 28 year old non smoking male. I currently am unemployed but do unser the table side work which actually pays me more and im my own boss. Id like to have health/dental insurance. I wanted to see/ask what the monthly average cost you guys are paying and what companies are good. Again I will coming out of pocket as I do not work. Thanks for the help and have a blessed day.

Why do a lot of health insurance plans through your parents employers cut you off at 25 yrs old?

I'm a full time student and turned 25 in September. I guess once September ended I'm no longer covered under my dad's health insurance. I was surprised because I at least thought I had the semester to finish off since it was that way with my friend. But anyways, why do a lot of companies cut you off by then? I know a lot of people at that age are done with college, but there are still plenty who aren't. I'm still an undergrad, but what about the ones that are going to medical school, dental school, etc, that aren't even done with college until there late 20s if they went right out of high school? 25 is still young, and it's still hard to afford for most people at that age. Also, I heard about student insurance. Do most college have that for students to check into?""

I got a citation for no proof of insurance and have a couple questions..?

so my first citation, annnd i was wondering if i take traffic school do i still have to pay the $1,000 fine for not having insurance at the time? also if i sell me car before the court date does that help ? if not what can i do to not pay because im broke no job and no money , willing to do community service.. can i do that for this kinda thing?""

Why do men think they are better drivers than women?

because if that were true our insurance wudnt be alot cheaper than theirs?anyone agree?

Cheap motorbikes... cost and insurance?

looking at motorbikes 600cc and upwards that are cheap insurance groups. im not looking for a cruiser but mayber a sports tourer or bandit style bike ( sorta sporty looking ) ive tried to look but cant fine any... i keep getting insurance websites is there any 600cc's that are group 1 insurance at all????

""What are some cheap first cars, and low insurance.?""

I have 3400, in my bank account and ive been searching for a used car. The most I'd like to spend is 3000, so i have some leftover to get me started on insurance and license plates..Any suggestions on a good first car to look for? Also whats a good Max Milage on a used car? Like 100k? or 150k? I have no clue.""

How cheap is Tata insurance?

How cheap is Tata insurance?

What is the cheapest auto insurance company for young drivers?

I am selling my older car to my brother but we are trying to find out which insurance companies would be the cheapest for him. Any suggestions?

Need Health Insurance Advice: Colorado?

Question I had a shoulder injury while weight lifting last November. I recently graduated and my school's health insurance is going to end soon, and I need health insurance to help pay for a possible MRI/surgery down the road. Or even more PT. I don't have much experience with health insurance because I never get sick or had injuries before so I need advice on what to look for in the policy. Do health insurance generally allow pre-existing shoulder injuries to be covered?""

CAR INSURANCE for a17 year old??

i just passed my test and have the old ford fiesta waiting for me to drive but atm the quotes i'm getting for insurance is around 2000 What are the cheapest sites for car insurance? Should i do Pass Plus?

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

""50 in a 40, first ticket ever. Insurance?""

I got a ticket for going 50 in a 40 tonight. My gas was PASSED E, and I was turning into the gas station. I realize that doesn't do anything for my case. I'm 17. I've never been in a wreck, never been pulled over. The cop (who is a friend's dad) said that I go to court Oct 1 and if I'm eligible for Defensive Driving I can take it, and it wont go on my driving record. Question is, does this affect my insurance rate at all? I pay my own insurance. I have State Farm.""

""How are younger drivers supposed to afford car insurance these days, especially if you're a student...?""

Car insurance is so expensive it's ridiculous, not to mention the price of driving lessons/test and what not. The problem is, I need to be able to drive because of where I live, if I didn't live in a rural area I wouldn't bother about driving so much, but looking at prices to drive these days, it's ridiculous. How do they come up with prices such as 1,000 - 5,000 is beyond me!""

Why are large engined/big sized second hand cars much cheaper than the small cars with small engines?

I did ask this a minute ago but I got it the wrong way round. Im looking for a car around 3.5k but the cars in that price range are great big hulking cars with huge engines that I cant afford the insurance for. How come smaller cars are more expensive?? I notice that when looking at new cars, the ones with bigger engines and bigger models are more expensive, so why is it the other way round for second hand cars?""

How much is a 2010 Jeep Sahara cost a month for insurance?

How much is a 2010 Jeep Sahara cost a month for insurance?

""Kawasaki Ninja 250R, insurance help?""

I just turned 17 last week, and it's the summer break now and am looking to get a job. The plan is to earn and save as much money as possible until I have enough to purchase the 2012 Kawasaki Ninja 250R Motorcycle. I've read and heard many good things about it, and it seems to me like it's a good starter bike to purchase. One thing I am unclear for is the insurance. I've read that insurance for the Ninja 250R is very cheap, but also have read that it can be really expensive. Realistically, what am I looking at here annually? I have a clean record, I'm also planning to get my M1 in the next few weeks.""

""I'm 57, am learning to drive a car, will need the best and cheapest car insurance, how will I know which is re""

i just want to be able to drive my car, and know there is help there for me, when and if I ever need it, without all the hassles of being stranded. Am in the process of checking out AAMI, RACT. Comprehensive for a first off driver is about $859 a year!! would i be better to Join RACT emergency on road assistance AS WELL AS taking out fire and theft third party insurance separately? I will be about the only driver, with a friend or two......is this the best cover for me? Say...for 1,2 years until I build up a reliable record? enough then to qualify for cheaper comrehensive insurance car cover?""

""Insurance for 17 year old , group 5 . ARGH!?""

Im buying a saxo 1.4i Furio and its in insurance group 5 I was just looking for the best ways/insurers/policies/discounts/offers that i can get I got quoted something stupid like 3300 TPFT online for a frickan 1.4!!!! I know for a fact it goes WAYY cheaper than that seein as i know a first time driver on his own policy that drives a saxo VTR insured for under 2000! I just dont know how to go about gettin the quote below 2000 Can someone PLEASE please help me. I know i have to shop around . but i dont know where or who to go to. and what to do when i get there! Experianced advice, examples and prices you have had on similar sized engines for your first car would be a magic help! Thanks""

Where can kidney patients get affordable life insurance?

Life insurance for kidney patients.

Can anyone tell me how good this insurance is?

I recently got Reliance Standard insurance..can anyone help me figure out the copay? I went to the website and can't figure it out..

How do I get cheaper car insurance?

I am trying to get my first car so I can drive my girlfriend and myself to work everyday. I am 19 and have had my license for about a year, I am going to get an older car a early 90s which I know lowers the insurance and live in new york and just getting the new york state bare minimum insurance. Even with that the quotes I am getting are around 200 dollars a month! About $2500 a year! About twice what I am paying for the car. Is there anyway I can save some money on this?""

Question about car insurance?

My husband made a dent in his car when trying to park. He now wants to fix the dent. Can car insurance cover this?

Whats the insurance of a maserati granturismo?

i wanna buy a maserati granturismo, what would the insurance be ?""

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Do I need to have insurance to take/have a drivers licence in North Carolina?

So I'm 18 and live in NC and I'm moving back to Europe next summer but before that I want to take my licence here because its way cheaper. Do I need to have insurance if I do NOT have a car I just want a licence for when I get back to Europe. Also, can I drive a car thats not mine if I dont have insurance.??""

Free car insurance??

My partner just called up his car insurance company to have me down as a named driver on his car. all the asked for is my name, DOB and my occupation. and they said there is no charge its free. Is this for real?? why is it free?? nothings free these days lol i also only have a provisonal""

Car insurance at 20 on average?

How much would car insurance be for me if i only have my licence for 2 months before i get a car and i am 20 years old?. The car would be minimum a 1.2 litre and maximum a 1.6 litre so what would a 1.2 litre, 1.4 litre and 1.6 litre cost me on average?.""

Switching car insurance from old to new car?

Forgive me if this is a stupid question.. I currently have insurance coverage on a 2004 car and just purchased a 2013 car. I am going today to switch over my insurance (if possible) and would like to know what to expect before I go. I automatically assumed my insurance would go up because of the year difference, but a friend of mine recently switched her policy over from a 2000 to a 2007 and her policy did not go up, so now i'm questioning if mine would go up and what would cause it to vary. Thanks!""

I have kaiser insurance does my insurance cover the lapband?

how many pounds must one be overweight before they can have the lap band surgery? i am covered with kaiser permenete health insurance. does my insurance cover this procedure

Can my brother put me on his health insurance?

I have a illness. I started a new job and insurance won't kick in untill another three months. Can I be put on my brothers insurance? He has no children and he is not married. Plus he never uses it.

Do i need condo Insurance?

I have a condo in a six unit building in south florida that is being rented out. The building is insurance by the HOA master policies (windstorm and liability). My question is do I still need to insure my unit? Thanks.

If I have secondary driver Insurance on my Dads car. Am I still covered on our other car aswell?

My Dad put secondary insurance on his car (that I pay) so that I can use it. But he never lets me use it because he takes it to work everyday. But my Step Mom has her car here, and my dad tells me I can't use it because my insurance only covers his car. Is he just being a douche?""

How much is Car Insurance for a 17 year old Boy in NJ?

I recently got my license and my mom added me to her insurance. For 1 month they are charging approximately $400. This seems really outrageous. Car is a 2007 Toyota Camry. I also have above a 3.0 average and supposedly get some kind of discount. What are your opinions on this price?

I was rear ended in california with no insurance is there anyhting i can do?

I was rear ended in a car accident in california,and I did not have insurance at the time.My car was wrecked.And Im stuck with the hospital bill's.Is there anything i can do legally ?""

Car Insurance Question?

I'm looking at buying a four door sedan but I don't have car insurance. The reason that I don't have insurance is because I only have my permit. Unfortunately, I no longer live with my parents so I don't think their insurance will cover me. I've been trying to get quotes from various companies for when I do get my license but many of them will not even give me a quote if I don't have my license. Are there any car insurance companies that will offer insurance to me while I still only have my permit? I already found a car that I like before realizing my parents probably won't be able to put me on their insurance so I'm trying to figure this out quickly but thoroughly. I'd really like to get it soon because I hate driving in my parent's minivans since they are huge and I have trouble seeing out the tinted back window. So far the only option I see is to have my parents buy the car for me until I have my license (which I plan to get before December to avoid learning in the snow).""

How much do you pay for health insurance?

How are you covered? Through your employer, self-employed, Medicare or Medicaid?""

What is Private Mortgage Insurance?

What's an easy definition for Private Mortgage Insurance?

Iiability Car Insurance for Adult Children?

Our 26 year old daughter lives in another town. She drives a car that we own. We have her name in our car liability insurance. If she has an accident and it's her fault will it still cover the liability part or could us or she be sued? We live in Texas.

How do I save on auto insurance?

I want to save on auto insurance.....what factors can lower your rate? I need to know things such as an alarm, and kept in the garage, but what other factors can help me getting a low rate? Thanks everyone""

Why does having access to more than 1 car put your insurance premium up?

I'm trying to get insured on my mums car, the quotes on insurance comparison websites are higher when I mention that she is insured on somebody else car though...""

Auto insurance pricing for newly licensed 16 year old male driver?

Turning 16 soon and will need a car. I'm looking into getting a 2006 Mazda 6 with 100,000 miles on it. I live in Ohio and will basically be using it for driving around town, possibly to a job in the future of course (if it's still running). As a newly licensed driver, would any of you know how much the insurance would possibly cost? I'm a B average student with a 3.0 GPA average as well, if that has any an effect on the cost.""

Can I dispute my insurance adjuster's estimate of value of a totaled vehicle?

I have a vehicle which was totaled. Insurer is Progressive. I live in WA, so the adjuster is not allowed to use NADA or KBB to determine value. He's supposed to provide fair market value. He got two estimates, both of which seem very low to me--less than half the replacement cost of a vehicle from the same year in the same condition. I've asked whether I can submit Craigslist listings from my half of the US to prove the value is higher. He says any documentation must be from within 150 miles of my home, which puts me at a disadvantage since I live in a rural area. I'm wondering: 1) Is my insurance company obligated to accept competitive estimates of value in determining my vehicle's value if I can find local shops that determine that the value is higher? 2) What mechanisms are in place to ensure that value estimates made by dealers are accurate, and can a dealer's estimate of value be disputed? 3) What other options do I have if my adjuster refuses to budge on value?""

How much is motorcylce insurance?

Does the price vary from different insurance companies, and if so would it be cheaper then car insurance?""

Average insurance rate for a taxi?

in bakersfield ca

""How much woud monthly car insurance cost for a 19 year old, and a 1963 Dodge Dart?""

I saw I nice 1963 Dodge Dart for sale, and Id like to get it but Im not entirely sure how much insurance would cost, if I can get some sort of ballpark range so I know whether or not to buy it""

How much would car insurance cost for a 16 year old girl driving a 1997 Ford Mustang GT?

The car is a V8 and has 170+ miles. Please do not post answers with websites linking me on how to figure it out on my own.

If two insurance companies have a dispute?

Let's say that I get into a car accident with another driver. My insurance company determines that he's at fault. His insurance company determines that I'm at fault. How does this typically get resolved? Do they go to a third-party arbiter?

""Insurance group 19, how much does it cost?""

its a mercedes gl 320, diesel. How mcuh does insurance group 19 cost?""

Does getting car insurance quotes lower your credit score?

I was wondering if getting multiple insurance quotes can significantly lower your FICO score due to inquiries..especially if you have a limited credit history..

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

Fort Monmouth New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7703

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/chancel-indemnity-insurance-quote-dorothy-benitez/"

[carriejonesbooks]

When I was a kid at Bates College, I spent a lot of my time feeling like less. My family had been kind of poor after my step-father died. My nana would stand in line to get us big orange blocks of commodity cheese for the week to supplement our $30 grocery budget Every  week my mom would yell at her that we didn’t need that. She always took it.

My mom didn’t answer the phone because she was so afraid of credit card companies calling.  She’d make me do it and lie that she wasn’t there.

I still hate answering the phone, even the cell phone, even when it has caller ID.

Anyway, when I went to college I wanted to forget all that. I wanted to be an intellectual like everyone else. I wanted to have gone to private school in Manhattan or Conneticut, have a summer home in the Hamptons and clothes that weren’t from K-Mart, which was sort of the WalMart equivalent back then, but worse.

I got over all that because I knew it was pretty shallow. What I had a harder time getting over was class issues that had less to do with materialism and more to do with hatred and intellectual history.

In one of my directing classes, one of the sexier straight guys actually announced about Beckett, “People who are not wealthy don’t care about this. A truck driver doesn’t watch public television or listen to NPR. They don’t care, they’re too busy humping and eating and drinking.”

My dad was a truck driver. He watched public television. He listened to NPR. I didn’t want to think about him humping. He ate food. He didn’t drink. His parents had been prohibitionists.

In one of my playwrighting classes the professor announced, “The working people of this country don’t give a shit about nuclear power. They don’t give a shit about a man of color.”

When I was in elementary school my dad would bring him with him to protest the same nuclear power plant that my step dad was helping to build. He helped me try to get New Hampshire to recognize Martin Luther King Day and do a hundred other civil rights things. He cared.

And one of my college friends would love to say, “Carrie is too poor to be pro intellectual.”

He’s a minister now. That still doesn’t make what he said right.

And one of my female poetry teachers told me over and over again, her voice trilling up with her patrician accent, “Carrie, you have the potential to be a poet, but your voice is too raw, not refined, not artistic enough.”

My voice was poor. My cadence was public school. I was not from rich. Every sentence I spoke showed that.

They still do.

Those are just four of the incidents that made me both angry and intimidated and focused, but in the back of my head it just inflamed my self doubt. I could never be a poet because I wasn’t wealthy, private-school educated, my parents weren’t intellectuals. I could never move people with words because my words were too stark and my sentences too short. I would never fit in because I didn’t have the background that most of the other students had.

And then two things happened. I read Sherman Alexie, a not-wealthy Spokane and Coeur d’Alene who despite his issues with women, impacted me positively. Maybe because I never met him.

And I met Seamus Heaney in real life.

Seamus Heaney came to our college at the invitation of Robert Farnsworth, who was an awesome poet and professor. He met with students, he gave a reading and we all got to hang out with him at a reception.

“I can’t go,” I told my boyfriend at the time.

He bit into his pizza. He was always eating pizza. “Why not?”

“Because it’s Seamus Heaney,” I answered staring at the little bits of sausage on the pizza before I plucked them off.

“So?”

“Seamus Heaney!”

“So?”

I didn’t know how to explain. Seamus Heaney was THE poet, the Nobel Prize winner. He was Irish for God’s sake. Those people were gifted with words. They had so many amazing poets… Heaney, Yeats, Wilde, Clarke, Moore. I was from New Hampshire. We had Robert Frost but pretty much every New England state tried to claim him.

Heaney wrote things like:

“A hunger-striker’s father

stands in the graveyard dumb.

The police widow in veils

faints at the funeral home.

History says, Don’t hope

on this side of the grave.

But then, once in a lifetime

the longed for tidal wave

of justice can rise up,

and hope and history rhyme.”

You will regret it if you don’t go,” my boyfriend said. “I’m going to just be playing Leisure Suit Larry anyway.”

So, I went, as anxious as if I was going on stage myself. Heaney transfixed me with his amazing baritone and bear-like presence. And his words… Of course his words… And when I met him afterwards, I was terrified until he grabbed my hand in his and said, “So you are a poet?”

And I said, “No.”

And all he did was nod and say, “Oh, yes you are.”

But in his eyes was this knowing, this connection, and maybe it wasn’t really there. Maybe I just saw it because I wanted him to understand me, because I wanted someone to get who I was and who I wanted to be. Or maybe not?

I don’t know, but one second later my professor said, “Oh, yes she is. I told you about her. She is like you.”

And then one of them said something about growing up not wealthy and I can’t remember the exact words, but what I do remember is that I finally felt understood. Later, I looked up Seamus Heaney’s past, about how his dad was a farmer and neither of his parents were big on words really, not in the intellectual way that everyone in college seemed to be. I found out that he was like me a little bit not because he was a poet and I was trying so desperately hard to write just one decent poem, but because we were both human, that we both came from humble places, that we both looked in people’s eyes when we said hello.

And that was enough for me. That was enough for me to believe in myself.

Seamus Heaney performed a miracle when I met him. He made me believe that I could be whatever the hell I wanted to be and that it didn’t matter how hard I had to fight or work or not fit in. What mattered was that I wanted the miracle of being a writer, of metamorphosis from Carrie the poor neurotic kid from Bedford, New Hampshire into Carrie Jones, the neurotic best-selling author who lives on the coast of Maine.

He gave hope and miracles in his poems and in his person and I am so thankful for his existence and so sorry for the world’s loss.

“The main thing is to write

for the joy of it. Cultivate a work-lust

that imagines its haven like your hands at night

dreaming the sun in the sunspot of a breast.

You are fasted now, light-headed, dangerous.

Take off from here. And don’t be so earnest.”

  I wrote this post back in 2013 when Seamus Heaney died, but in one of my student packet’s this week, I referenced Heaney and then yesterday I saw this Liam Neeson video (randomly) where he was talking about Heaney, so… there you go. I’ve reposted it.

Here’s Seamus Heaney reading his own poem, “Blackberry Picking.”

  Do Good Wednesday

Scary, right?

People are fixing it.

You can help with poetry and kids. These images are from Get Lit’s website and Get Lit is making a difference.

“Get Lit was founded in 2006 after Diane Luby Lane created a one-woman show about the power of words and toured colleges with iconic Chicano poet Jimmy Santiago Baca. After the show closed, she couldn’t bear the thought of cutting off the work completely. She started teaching classic and spoken word poetry in two high schools, Fairfax and Walt Whitman. When the semester ended… the students wouldn’t leave. They insisted on meeting after school. The rest is history. Today, the curriculum has expanded to almost 100 schools, and the Get Lit Players are the most watched poets on the internet. Curriculum requests flow in from Mexico to New Zealand.”

Get Lit “uses poetry to increase literacy, empower youth, and inspire communities.”

Get Lit works – 98% of Get Lit Players go to college, and 70% get scholarships!

Here are Get Lit’s specific needs and how you can get involved.

  Writing News

Carrie’s  super excited about the upcoming TIME STOPPERS book coming out this August.

This middle grade fantasy series happens in Acadia National Park in Bar Harbor, Maine and it’s all about friendship and magic and kids saving their magical town.

An imaginative blend of fantasy, whimsy, and suspense, with a charming cast of underdog characters . . . This new fantasy series will entice younger fans of Harry Potter and Percy Jackson.” –  School Library Journal

  “Sticks the landing . . . The world building is engaging . . . between the decidedly wonderful residents and the terrifying monsters who plague them.” –  BCCB

  “Amid the magic, spells, adventure, and weirdness of this fantasy are embedded not-so-subtle life lessons about kindness, friendship, and cooperation.” –  Booklist

  “A wild and fresh take on fantasy with an intriguing cast of characters. Dangerous and scary and fun all rolled into one. In the words of Eva the dwarf, I freaking loved it!” –  Lisa McMann, New York Times bestselling author of The Unwanteds series

  “Effervescent, funny, and genuine.” –  Kirkus Reviews

It’s quirky. It’s awesome. It’s full of heart. You should go by the first two books now. 🙂

  Time Stoppers

Time Stopper Series

Time Stoppers Front and Back Covers – US versions

CARRIE’S BOOKS

For a complete round-up of Carrie’s 16-or-so books, check out her website. And if you like us, or our podcast, or just want to support a writer, please buy one of those books, or leave a review on a site like Amazon. Those reviews help. It’s all some weird marketing algorhthym from hell, basically.

OUR PODCAST

Thanks to all of you who keep listening to our weirdness as we talk about random thoughts, writing advice and life tips.

We’re sorry we laugh so much… sort of. Please share it and subscribe if you can.

Please rate and like us if you are feeling kind, because it matters somehow.

Love

The Poet Who Saw Me – Wednesday Writing Wisdom When I was a kid at Bates College, I spent a lot of my time feeling like less.

[wheresthenuggetparty]

I know no one‘s going to read this, but I can’t stop thinking abt it. I’m one of those people that’s always wanted to find my soulmate and get married and be with the love of my life. About a year ago I met this guy (let’s call him Joshua) who literally seemed perfect. We had exact same interests, same style, had similar upbringing in our family values. He loves kids, we are both of the same religion and take it just as seriously, and he’s funny. We started talking a year ago but I had to go to Italy for 10 days, and he met someone from home and started seeing her. A couple months later they broke up and we hung out and had a gr8 time, and talked about a month. over that month, he was wounded so he was flirty in a sexual way, and I didn’t want that so I called it off. I started dating another guy who was really sweet, but not the one. Towards the end of the relationship, I started realizing that I still had feelings for Joshua again. After I broke up with my ex, I started talking to him again, and we’re still talking to this day. So at this point, we been talking for about two months, which is the longest we’ve talked. Over those two months, I’ve seen him go from a calm cool collected guy who puts up a front, to a really sweet guy who is goofy fun and dorky. I really like him, and I enjoy spending time with him. We’ve hung out twice since I broke up with my ex and we’ve made out and stuff lol, we’re planning on hanging out more over the summer. But there’s a lot of complications that go along with that, like how I go to grad school in June about two hrs away, and how my fam is v against me dating before I go off to school. And there’s the fact that he does like me, but doesn’t return the feelings as strongly as I return them to him. we talk every day, even if it’s just one text, and we have come to the decision that we’re going to continue to spend time together And hook up a lil bit but be in a limbo area where we’re not really friends but we’re not dating. Which is literally fine. It’s actually perf considering how we can’t really date. Even though he really likes me, and wants to keep spending time with me and doing what we’re doing in this limbo, something is missing in his feelings so he doesn’t want to pursue me as a real girlfriend rn. And I get that, not everyone can be in love with you. Which honestly is a blessing bc if he did, Id prob get way too wrapped up. But it’s also disappointing bc it sucks when things aren’t mutual. it’s taking everything in my power to keep chill. Bc idk if it’s really that I have genuine feelings or if it’s just being enamored. But I do have feelings. My value is not in him, but I want more than anything for him to value me like I value him. So I’m caught in the sort of weird place where I’m excited to spend more time w him but I want him to love me even though I also don’t want him to love me. Its taking everything in my willpower not to just be upfront with him and say I want this more than anything bc even if he did feel the same, it was hurt more because we couldn’t be together. I’m thankful for how it is but at the same time it’s irritating. He said if it’s really too hard or I’m not feeling this, we can call it quits. Which is kind of him to suggest because that’s a lot for somebody to say. And I told him that I want to still do this. his main concern was he just doesn’t want my feelings to get hurt. Which is really sweet, but I feel like my feelings are going to get hurt either way no matter what happens. But that’s no reason to really stop what we’re doing because I’m genuinely happy and things are really good. of course, we haven’t been able to see each other hardly at all, so I’m sure that feelings will develop over time. But it’s hard not to bank on it, especially when you know that may not be the best thing. I don’t know, I just don’t really have anyone to talk about this with. It sucks to not have mutual feelings between you and someone and idk what to do.