#Her (also beating up Santa for money): Yeah! I can hook you up with some HRT! No problem!

[boringkate]

Heartwarming Christmas movie: Femboy quits his soulless dead end job in an isolating unwalkable small town and returns home to the big city for the holidays. He falls for a tgirl pro domme who teaches him the meaning of satanism while introducing him to a client who may be Santa.

[spaceskam]

i’ve only kissed out of fear (1/4)

Summary: a malex secret marriage au when they’re in high school, part 1 (title: readiness is all by atta boy) warnings: mentions of child abuse

part one - part two

ao3

“One more week.”

“Please don’t remind me.”

Michael’s eyes flickered up to get a good glimpse at Alex’s face.  They were in the bed of his truck and had his head in Alex’s lap as he painted his nails for probably the last time.  Michael hated thinking that in 7 days, Alex would be stripped of his personality and given camouflage.  His hatred only grew when he remembered that Alex might only come back in a box.

“I’m never gonna see you again, huh?” Michael asked, mindlessly picking at the hem of his tattered shirt.

“I don’t want to talk about this, Guerin.” Alex said, shutting him down in that voice that screamed ‘Manes Man’.  Michael hated when he spoke that way.

“We need to.”

“No, we really don’t.”

“Yes, we do!” Michael sat up sharply, finally getting Alex to look him in the eye.  “I love you, Alex, and you’re about to be sent to fucking war.  I don’t want that to be it.  I don’t want to just have you ripped away from me to never see or hear from you again.  I’m going to spend the rest of my life worrying, wondering if you’re alive or if you’re laying in the desert on the other side of the world with a bullet in you.  I can’t live like that, it’s going to drive me insane.”

“We don’t have a choice,” Alex argued, wearing a face that belonged to Jesse Manes.  It made him look away.  He wanted to argue, but he didn’t have a foot to stand on.  If they ran away, his father would hunt them down.  If Alex told him no, his dad would probably beat him into submission.  Any option ended in pain.  That was just their stupid fucking life.

“I wish there were more options,” Michael whispered, borderline pouting as his back thudded against the side of the bed.  “I’m just… God, I don’t want to go my whole life not knowing if you’re alright.  No one’s gonna tell me if something happens to you.  It isn’t fair.”

“Well… There’s one option.” Alex said softly.  Michael’s head shot up.  Alex was still looking down at his fingers, carefully touching up his nails as if he didn’t just say there might be a solution to their problems.

“What do you mean?  What option?” Michael asked, sitting up.  Alex didn’t say anything and Michael crawled a little closer.  “Alex?  What option?”

“We could get married,” Alex suggested simply.  Michael’s heart skipped a beat at the suggestion, anxiety pulsing through all the way to his fingertips.  He was sure his entire body had turned red.  

“We… we’re only eighteen.” Michael muttered out as he stared at Alex.  The idea of getting married sounded so, so insane.  Especially since it wasn’t even legal.  But the longer he stared at Alex, even though he wasn’t looking back, the more he felt like he would do it.  If marrying Alex on a whim meant a working solution, he’d do it.

“Yeah, I know, forget it.  It’s just the only thing I could think of where you’d be notified if something happened to me.” Alex said, grumbling to himself as he tried to focus on his nails even more.  Michael scooted closer and grabbed his hand with his good one, making him look at him even though he was careful not to smudge the wet polish.  All he needed was Alex to say it again, to say it was a good idea again, and he’d do it.  They’d do it.

“How would we do it?  Like, how would it work?  Since it’s not legal and… and is it even allowed?” Michael asked, holding his hand a little tighter.  Alex’s eyes flickered around his face, biting down on his lip.

“Uh, domestic partnership technically, I guess.  We could… go to Santa Fe, have a ceremony and stuff. And DADT is in place, but it’d still make it easier for you to be put on, like, my emergency contacts.  Besides, what’s the worst they could do?  Kick me out?” Mischief danced in Alex’s eyes, fueling Michael’s smile as they laced their fingers together.  It sounded good.  Better than good, actually.  Fuck, them getting married could mean Alex wouldn’t be allowed in at all.  How awesome would that be?

“Yeah, yeah, that sounds good,” Michael said softly, kissing the back of Alex’s hand.  He shifted to sit up on his knees along with Michael, their foreheads leaning against one another.  Smiles were on both of their faces, involuntary laughter bubbling as they let their decision sink in.  Fuck.

“So… Michael Guerin, the man of my dreams who gives me something to look forward to, will you do me the great honor of becoming my husband?” Alex giggled out.  Michael’s toes curled inside his shoes, knocking his feet together as he squeezed Alex’s hand.  Those words felt so surreal.  He never thought anyone would like him, much less want to marry him.  He had issues.  He wasn’t human.  He didn’t deserve Alex.

But, by some force of nature, he had him.

“Yeah, I will.” Michael agreed.  If possible, Alex smiled even wider and moved to wrap his arms around Michael’s neck.  They wrapped each other up in a hug, Michael holding him so tight he was shaking.

This was incredible.  This was everything.  Alex was everything.

“Fuck, we’re gonna get married.” Michael murmured, pulling away just enough to grab Alex’s face.  “When?  We got a week.”

“Uh, let’s leave tomorrow morning,” Alex said, grabbing Michael’s wrists and rubbing small circles into them, “We can go to, to a courthouse or call for any, like, last minute chapels if you want.  Then we can get a motel room for the night and drive back here the next day.  I’ll tell my dad I stayed with Liz.”

Michael licked his lips, “I don’t have money for a motel room.” Even that statement came with amusement.  He was giddy with the excitement of the whole thing.  He dreamed of this, dreamed of loving someone like he loved Alex.  Somehow, out of all the shit that happened to them both, luck was on their side.

“I bet my dad does,” Alex said, raising his eyebrows.  Michael let out a surprised laugh before closing the space, finally kissing his boyfriend.  No, fiancé.  How fucking fancy is that?

Celebratory kisses were a different feeling.  There was nothing frantic about it, there was nothing sad.  All the sadness that had pushed them to this decision seemed to be easily ignored when they let themselves focus on nothing more than them being together.  A legally binding contract that insisted they were important to each other, that they would be together forever regardless of how accurate that actually was.

It sounded too good to be true because it was.  But nothing was stopping him from doing it anyway.  Within a handful of minutes, Michael discovered celebratory sex was even better than celebratory kisses.  Sex with Alex had always been good, even their first time when Alex basically had to direct him.  Alex had somehow managed to take Michael’s awkward fumbling and made it into something hot.  It was like a secret talent he had.  Michael wasn’t sure if he was envious or just really fucking lucky.

“You know, I’m glad you mentioned this now and that we’re going tomorrow.  Then we get a few days of being husbands before you have to leave.” Michael whispered, stroking Alex’s cheek as he laid curled up at his side.

“I’ll look into tonight, see where we can go,” Alex said in response, propping his chin against Michael’s bare chest.  Michael ran his hand through Alex’s dark hair, his eyes fluttering closed when his fingers caught a knot.  God, he was beautiful.  “What time is it?”

The question was a reminder of their actual situation.  Alex had a curfew, he had a dangerously strict father.  He could get away for tomorrow, but he didn’t want to risk their plans by being late tonight.  So Michael felt around for Alex’s phone, finding it in the corner beside the tire.

“7:45.  Also, you have a text from Maria.” Michael said, sighing when he realized they had to leave soon.  After the night in the shed, Alex’s curfew had been moved from 10PM to 8:30.  As if that would keep Alex from hooking up with guys.  Can’t be gay before 9PM.

“What’d she say?”

“Said she wants to throw a party for you before you leave,” Michael said, putting the phone down.  He let his eyes drift down to his new fiancé.

“You should come,” Alex suggested.  Michael had never actually been invited to a party that wasn’t thrown by Isobel.  He smiled.  

“Okay.”

They eventually got dressed and climbed into the front seat of the truck.  Michael took Alex’s hand in his own.  That felt nice.  It felt so casual for them.

Still, Michael dropped him off a few blocks down just in case, sending him off with a sweet kiss and the promise to meet him at 7 the next morning.  The drive to Santa Fe was a long on and it would be all his savings on gas money, but it was worth it.  They’d be 3 hours away and married and happy in their own bubble for a night.

After dropping off Alex, Michael drove straight to the Evans’ residence.  No communication was necessary as Isobel snuck him through her window so he could take a shower and grabbed his dirty clothes to throw in the wash with her own.  They’d fallen into this routine ever since he’d run away from his last foster home and it would probably remain until Michael could afford a place to live on his own.  He’d originally planned to be moving into a dorm in the next few weeks, but that was no longer an option.  He was needed here.

Naturally, his thoughts drifted back to Alex once he stepped under the stream of hot water.  Michael would never say it out loud, but there was a part of him that was jealous that Alex was getting away.  It wasn’t in the way he wanted to leave, but at least he’d be doing something that was bigger than Roswell.  Michael was nothing more than a bum.  That’s all he’d ever be.  

Yet, Alex still wanted to be married to that.  He wanted to legally bind himself to a deadbeat.  It brought back that giddy, undeserving feeling low in his stomach.  No one was that good.  Except Alex.  Beautiful, talented, brilliant Alex who loved him even though his father had tried to beat the love out.

Alex, who Michael was lying to.

Michael hated lies.  He’d surrounded himself in them and, with each day that passed, let them consume his soul a little more.  Alex was a grounding force and Michael feared the lies would swallow him whole once Alex was gone.  All that did was make him want to be honest with him even more.

They’d made a pact.  He, Isobel, and Max had promised they would tell no one, regardless of how much they wanted to.  It was for their own safety, no one could be trusted with something that serious.  No matter how much they loved them, no matter how much they promised not to tell, it would still be risky.  He didn’t want Alex to ever be put in a situation where he was being interrogated for information about aliens.

But he also didn’t want Alex to be married to someone and not even know that they’re not human.  Michael had amazing control over his powers after years of work, but shit happens and if Alex had to find out what he was due to him losing control, he would never forgive himself.  It felt like betrayal.

He needed to tell him.

“Why do you look like that?” Isobel asked as they sat on her bed.  Water droplets dripped from his hair and wet his shirt as Isobel tightly wrapped his hand with fresh gauze.  The external wounds had healed, but it still hurt to move it too much and he hated looking at it.  Alex did too.

“Like what?”

“Like… happy.” she smiled, raising her eyebrow.  “And you’ve got a hickey on your neck so I can only assume some girl made you look like that.”

“Who said it was a girl?” he asked.  Isobel paused, a smile slowly finding her face as she cocked her head to the side.

“Michael, are you trying to tell me something?” she asked.  He thought about telling her the truth, but that wasn’t really an option.  Admitting he was getting married would only make her mad that she wasn’t invited.  Besides, as exciting as it was, at the end of the day it was only so he would know if Alex got hurt or worse.  That was it.

“Nah, it’s not serious.” Isobel could take what she wanted from that.  She rested her hand on his cheek.

“If they make you happy, I don’t care who or what they are.  You deserve happiness, Michael.  No matter what you’ve done.” Isobel promised, her smile so sweet that he knew she couldn’t possibly mean what it sounded like.  But he couldn’t even manage a smile.  He just wanted Alex.  He never looked at him like that. Maybe he would if he knew his secret.

Maybe it was worth the risk.

“They do,” Michael said simply.  She smiled.

“Good,” Isobel stood to her feet and went towards the door so she could go get his clothes from the dryer.  “You know you can stay here if you want.  That truck can’t be comfortable.”

“Nah, it’s cool, I have stuff to do in the morning.  Don’t wanna wake you,” he said.  She nodded and stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Michael leaned back against her headboard, his eyes following the ceiling fan.  He wanted to be happy and he wanted that with Alex.  The only way he could do that without any burdens for the rest of his life would be by telling Alex the truth.  Even if that meant risking his life or risking Alex never looking at him the same way, it would better than living a lie with the man he loved who had trusted him with unparalleled vulnerability. Alex would come to him beaten and crying and trusted him with that.  Michael could trust him with his secret too.

And that’s exactly what he planned to do.

[nemossubmarine]

Warhammer 40k: Wrath & Glory RP #22

Hey, it’s the start of a new adventure, and with the leaving of Gorm and addition of Vivek the party’s average height has gone down like 30%. I wonder if that’s going to be at all relevant?

There’s about a day or so in between Gorm and Uffe leaving and anything interesting happening. Vivek and Saef spend it together. 

Vivek has decided to stay at Saef’s room, since he rather not take a stranger’s room and Gimlet lives between Gorm and Saef, so taking Gorm’s room won’t do either. 

Saef’s cool with this. 

They hang out and talk, Saef explains what has gone down at Dew Mountain (Vivek doesn’t explain at all about what has happened with him :P). 

Saef also mentions to Vivek that the Inquisitor has arranged him a teacher in all that psyker stuff. 

Vivek questions what might be the end goal of such an education. 

Saef shrugs and says he only wants to keep the Inquisitor happy for now. 

Vivek warns him that it’s plenty easy to get conscripted in a world such as this, so it might be relevant for Saef to ask about that before he gets drafted for something he doesn’t want to. 

Saef says ”thanks dad”, which flusters Vivek a bit. 

He tells him to get a better father figure. 

Saef shrugs and says that he somehow has managed to get quite a few dads, Gimlet, Vivek, his actual dad, who’s also on ship. 

Saef opens up to Vivek about how awkward the whole thing has been, having his family on board. 

He mostly tries to avoid them, because he’s pretty sure his family doesn’t want to see him. 

Vivek shrugs and says it might not be the case, but if this is what Saef is most comfortable with. 

Meanwhile, Gimlet stays inside his room and avoids Vivek the best he can.

But let’s cut to the actual happening-ons, Saef gets a text from Molly, where Molly asks him to get his friends and meet her at the teleporter. She has a favor to ask. Saef gathers Vivek and Gimlet and off they go. 

Molly explains that there’s an Imperial cargo ship adrift in space and it’s been calculated to hit Santa Maria within an hour. 

Santa Maria is planning on blowing it up, but Molly would like to take a peek at what the cargo is and whether it could be sold for cash-money. 

Namely she wants Saef and co to do it, and they have only about half an hour to do so before Santa Maria blows the ship up. 

So any ideas? 

Vivek suggests them hopping onto the ship and fixing the engine if it’s broken. 

Good idea, but there’s one problem. His name is Jimbo, he’s the new teleporter guy (RIP Paul, you are missed). He needs to be gotten out of the room so Molly can teleport our folks. 

Molly says all he knows about Jimbo is that he really, really likes space golf. 

Vivek asks if anyone knows anything about space golf a little too loud, and Jimbo (from the other side of the room) asks if someone mentioned space golf. 

Vivek grits his teeth for a bit, then turns on his smile and goes to talk with Jimbo. 

You see, Vivek is a space golf enthusiast but doesn’t actually know much about it, maybe Jimbo could teach him. 

Jimbo suggests they meet up for a coffee after his shift. Vivek agrees, and then tries to get Jimbo to show him his club right now, so he could talk golf better? 

Yeah it doesn’t work. So Vivek agrees that it’s a date. 

Jimbo gets quite flustered at that, he didn’t mean it as a date.

 Vivek pulls rank on Jimbo, saying that he’s a corporal of the Mechanicum army (technically still true?) and he doesn’t do or tolerate that kind of behavior (it wasn’t a date-date, it was we’ll meet there at this time and date-date), so maybe Jimbo could go and report to his supervisor about what he just did. Jimbo, defeated, does so. 

Vivek turns to the others and asks if he was flirting with the dude. 

The general consensus seems to be yes. 

Well, nevermind that, Molly starts working the teleporter and sends the trio in one by one (in order Vivek, Saef, Gimlet).

Our heroes teleport into a tight corridor of the ship. There’s a siren blaring and smell of blood in the air. 

Also, Saef recognizes the smell of tyranids. 

When he informs the others of this, Vivek says that his grandparents were killed by tyranids, to which Saef points out that his whole home planet was just decimated by tyranids. 

They pull out their weapons and start sneaking forward. 

There’s a window showing to the cargo room and Saef sees shadows moving inside. 

Upon letting everyone know, they duck so as to not let the people (or most likely xenos) inside know what’s up. 

There’s blood and servitor parts littering the room, and a broken down servo skull that Vivek checks out. 

It’s clear that our heroes can’t avoid the battle forever. 

Vivek asks what’s their usual battle plan. 

Saef says they usually just let Gorm go first, and then follow after him. 

Unfortunately there’s no Gorm around, so one of them has to go first. 

Vivek gets up, catches glimpse of the first genestealer (of two) and blasts off its lower left arm with a devastating blow. 

This is for my grandma, he says as he does it. It’s pretty cool, eyy. 

Saef gets up next and shoots the same genestealer, killing it. 

There’s a second genestealer still left. 

Gimlet shoots at it, and also manages to blast off its lower left arm, very cool-like. 

Unfortunately it doesn’t quite die and it charges through the new broken windows at the closest victim, which is Vivek.

It gets stuck in the window, but manages to attack Vivek quite severely (altho Skitarii don’t bleed, so who’s to say). 

Saef comes in to beat it up with his bludgeon. It’s quite shocking. 

Gimlet shoots at it over Vivek’s shoulder but the genestealer has not yet gone down.

 It attacks both Vivek and Saef with its next attack. Ouch. 

Vivek has noticed that there’s a pipe of some sort going above them, and he pulls off the vent of it with his magnetic abilities (dude’s one big magnet if need be). 

The pipe turns out to be a pipe for gasoline and it douses the genestealer. 

Saef manages to step out of the way in time to not get doused. 

Vivek then lights up a cigarette and drops his lighter into the gas, lighting the poor genestealer aflame (but it looks damn cinematic).

The genestealer rushes back out of the window and dies on the cargo bay floor. 

Combat’s over, yay! 

Gimlet goes to give Saef some first aid. 

Vivek wanders off to check the other stuff in the hallway, which turns out to be a skeleton of a small child with a small bunny plushie next to it. 

Vivek loots it and then goes to examine the cargo bay. 

Gimlet offers Vivek first aid as well, but Vivek says he’s fine. 

Both Gimlet and Saef can see this is not the case. 

Saef asks Vivek to accept some medical attention, ”for me buddy?” 

Vivek pulls Saef aside a bit, and notes that Gimlet’s the reason he currently wanders around without an arm and an eye, so he doesn’t exactly trust him to get anywhere near his wires. 

But fine, he’ll do what Saef asks, as long as Saef keeps an eye on Gimlet. 

Vivek asks Gimlet to take a look at the spot where the Genestealer’s hit has driven a piece of his armor into his side and Gimlet does so, without any fuss. 

Vivek thanks Gimlet. 

Then they turn their attention to the cargo. Vivek and Saef open some of the boxes of cargo in the room. 

All seem to contain guns that Saef recognizes being used by gangers on Dew Mtn. 

Well, there’s plenty of them, but is this what Molly was hoping, who knows. 

But first a more pressing matter, turning the ship back on. 

Our heroes make their way to the engine room where Vivek and Saef immediately show their ignorance on all things technical (Vivek offers to say some prayers). 

Gimlet points out that the engine isn’t broken, it’s just turned off and it’s easiest to turn that back on from the control panel, in the cockpit. 

So that’s where our heroes head. 

The doors to the cockpit are jammed shut but there’s holes from guns littering the door and one hole big enough for our heroes to get through. 

Inside they find several dead genestealers as well as a dead space marine, who’s body has been eaten from inside his power armor. 

Gimlet immediately recognizes the space marine’s armor and says it’s a Red Corsair, a type of Chaos Space Marine known for pirating. 

Vivek puts out his cigarette on the dude’s armor. 

Gimlet turns the engine on and everything's smooth sailing, except the gas light is on, for some reason hmm… 

Saef and Vivek go attempt to put the panel Vivek tore off back on, but it’s too high up so Gimlet comes to help, lifting Saef up to get the panel back on. 

That figured out they return back to the cockpit and notice that the ship was on autopilot, heading somewhere in Dew Mtn and it’s now asking if that should be continued. 

Saef calls Molly and let’s her know that the cargo is shitty cheap ganger guns, and also a chaos space marine. 

Molly is a bit surprised at that, it is an Imperial cargo ship after all. 

She leaves getting rid of them to Saef. 

So, can our heroes sell these totes illegal guns to someone? 

Saef says he knows a weapon sales’ person by the name of Sheila on Civitas A. 

She dealt guns to a lot of gangers, from similar crates. 

Unfortunately she is super-annoying, but it’s worth a shot to check if she’s still alive and in the business. 

Vivek takes the pilot’s seat (well co-pilot’s seat as the Red Corsair is on the pilot’s seat proper). 

Gimlet investigates the body of the Red Corsair more carefully. 

He finds the Corsair’s bolter and on it ascribed the name ”Nemeroth”, who Gimlet knows to be a Red Corsair warlord that supposedly died 120 years ago. 

Saef carries some of the bodies out of the cockpit to give them room to manage the ship. 

As he does so, he hears some kind of mechanical sound coming from underwater, or under gasoline in this case. 

He follows it and finds the servo skull that is attempting to make some kind of sound, but its speaker is broken. 

Saef brings the skull to Gimlet to look over. 

There is a radio on the ship that Vivek has turned on. 

Apparently Red Corsairs are really into metal. 

But the skull could be hooked up to the speakers as well. 

As Gimlet fiddles with the skull, he asks Vivek whether Uffe has a crush on him or not. 

Vivek seems quite taken aback by the question, asking on what observation Gimlet is basing this on, he has only ever seen Vivek and Uffe together twice, and it’s not like Gimlet has any particular great insight into what kind of person Uffe is like. 

Gimlet is quite persistent at the point. 

Vivek points out that Space Marine’s don’t do romance / sex anyway, so he must be mistaken. 

Saef chimes in about these books he’s read that say something quite different.

Vivek makes the point that those have been written by people who find Space Marines attractive, plenty of those around, Vivek may or may not belong in that category (just because he likes a man who could snap him in half with one hand…), don’t mean they are accurate to what happens in real life. 

As they are arguing the point, Gimlet hooks up the skull into the speakers and it starts blasting off a message about Elysium and Grand Inquisitor Fane. 

Vivek asks if this Fane person is a friend of Gimlet’s. 

Gimlet says an Inquisitor by the name of Fane did live, 120 years ago. 

So is this some kind of time travel thing?

 Saef goes to check out the weapons and comes to the conclusion they have been made maybe two months ago, max. 

So at least those aren’t from the past. 

There’s also the question of servitors, as far as Vivek can see, they’re not official Triplex Phall -variety, so someone’s making unofficial servitors, great. 

Gimlet is also worried since Grand Inquisitor isn’t a title in the Inquisition. 

Vivek suggests perhaps this Fane fellow liked to be called a Grand Inquisitor in bed (eyebrow waggle). 

Gimlet doesn’t really get what Vivek is saying so Vivek calls him a bit of a virgin. 

Gimlet leaves the cockpit. 

Saef stays with Vivek and teases him about Uffe a bit more, though Vivek can see that Saef is just ribbing him. 

He does admit that Uffe is kinda cute, Saef says he doesn’t really see it, but ”you do you”.

And that’s all for the first session of this adventure. Plenty of mysteries abound. Next time, some weapons selling and possibly something more.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26/12/2020 (LadBaby, Boris Johnson, Ed Sheeran)

It’s Boxing Day in the UK as I write this and I’m pretty tired but we still have to review those charts regardless, especially this chart as this is the Christmas chart – at least it’s being paraded around as such – and hence we have a Christmas #1. For the third year in a row, family vlogger, pseudo-comedian and amateur musician, not to be confused with DaBaby, Mark Ian Hoyle – more commonly known as “LadBaby”, has bagged the #1 for the holiday season. Every time I’ve covered the Christmas #1 it has been this guy and, yeah, I’m tired of it. At least this year he felt some stiff competition, and hey, the songs’ proceeds do go to charity. Oh, yeah, and this guy is the third act to have three Christmas #1s in a row, putting this nobody from Nottingham with a barebones Wikipedia page and a couple million YouTube subscribers on the level of the Beatles and Spice Girls. God, the UK Singles Chart never fails to amaze me. Anyway, that’s arguably not even the biggest story here so let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As I said before, this is the “Christmas week” so throughout the UK Top 75 there are a lot of holiday songs re-peaking or reaching new peaks, before dropping off entirely the next week. Let’s start as we always do by listing the drop-outs from the chart, of which there are quite a few notable ones. Most of our top 40 debuts from last week are gone, like Taylor Swift’s “champagne problems” and “no body, no crime” featuring HAIM, as well as “Show Out” by Kid Cudi, the late Pop Smoke and Skepta. We can also say goodbye to “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, finally after 54 weeks and a surprise return earlier this month, in addition to other top 10 hits like “you broke me first” by Tate McRae, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio and “What You Know Bout Love” also by Pop Smoke, as well as some more minor hits like “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur, “Golden” by Harry Styles and “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer, but I can see almost all of these rebounding hard next week so I don’t think there’s much to worry about here. For fallers, since Christmas has really consumed everything about this chart this week, we have some big ones that’ll find themselves back in the top 10 or at least top 20 next week like “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19 (the first non-Christmas non-debut song to appear on the chart, by the way), “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #20, “Whoopty” by CJ at #22, “34+35” by Ariana Grande at #28, “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI at #31, “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus and Dua Lipa at #35 alongside “Midnight Sky” also by Miley at #36, “willow” by Taylor Swift off the debut to #37, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #38 and “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy. We also have “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #43, “Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals at #45, even “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X at #49, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #54, “Loading” by Central Cee at #59, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #60, “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #64, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #66, “Dynamite” by BTS at #67, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring Don Toliver and NAV at #72, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa with the biggest fall down to #73 and finally “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix at #74. To put the dominance of holiday music on the charts in perspective, if we take the songs that are not either explicitly Christmas-related or a clear Christmas #1 campaign (i.e. LadBaby), the song at #38 would be at #10 and our #1 would be “positions” by Ariana Grande at #19. “Whoopty” by CJ, that entered the top 10 last week and dropped to #22 this week, would be at #3. There are 11 songs in the top 40 that never made an effort to take advantage of the holiday season. When we get into some of our debuts, it’ll be even clearer how big Christmas is in British pop music. Anyway, let’s skim through our gains and returning entries, most of which are Christmas or Christmas-related. For returning entries, we have the comically awful “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud at #71, last year’s scam attempt at a Christmas #1, “River” by Ellie Goulding at #69, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by Nat King Cole at #63 (which I’d appreciate more in the top 20 like it is in the US every year – this is a classic), “2000 Miles” by the Pretenders at #62 (again, incredible song that deserves a higher holiday peak each year), “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love at #58, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia at #55, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #53 and for whatever reason, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper at #41. In terms of notable gains – and I stress notable, since a lot of higher-up Christmas songs had small gains but still good performance - we have “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Jackson 5 at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra at #56, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby at #52, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” by Brett Eldredge and Meghan Trainor at #51, “Forever Young” by Becky Hill at #50 (both off of the debut), “Baby it’s Cold Outside” AGAIN by Michael Bublé and Idina Menzel at #47, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #46, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano at #44, “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #42, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” AGAIN by Dean Martin at #39, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #34, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #33, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #32, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #29, “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms at #27, “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #26, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #25, “All You’re Dreaming Of” by Liam Gallagher at #24 (thanks to a Christmas #1 campaign that crashed and failed), “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams at #23, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #21, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #18, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #17, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #15, and finally, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber illegitimately notching a spot in the top 10 at #8. Finally, we can get onto the new arrivals, although something about this next one tells me that we won’t be in line for anything all that good.

NEW ARRIVALS

#70 – “I’ll be Home” – Meghan Trainor

Produced by Meghan Trainor

...for Christmas. She’ll be home for Christmas. I guess she just can’t finish sentences, even though her cover art has the full title. Anyway, this is a 2014 original Christmas song that went nowhere except Sweden. It’s not anything like the Bing Crosby and wasn’t nearly as successful, mostly because it’s a jingly, inoffensive ballad tacked onto a silly Christmas EP that also features Fifth Harmony and Fiona Apple of all people – who probably should have charted her track instead – as well as the deluxe edition of that debut record Title that nobody liked. At least in this, she’s not going for a faux-retro style, or at least one that I can find the inspiration for, and is just singing over this oddly jaunty piano melody – which sounds pretty albeit bland – as well as some swells of strings and acoustic guitar that do work sonically. The content implies that Meghan Trainor is in contact with Santa Claus personally, and that he gave her the advice to be home with her lover this Christmas and... that’s why this charted, isn’t it? Well, it’s not her fault – it’s not a “stuck with u” moment, but it is dodgy that she decided to put this on her own Christmas record that was released in October of this year, which can’t seem unintentional. I’d be lying to say this isn’t a pretty little tune from Trainor and her voice does fit this instrumental, but a jazzy rendition from someone with a deeper, smoother voice, would work wonders with the content. Oh, and that Christmas record features guest appearances from both Earth, Wind & Fire and Seth MacFarlane, as well as her dad, because, you know, sure, 2020.

#65 – “Gnat” – Eminem

Produced by d.a. got that dope

I can’t tell if I’m underestimating Christmas or overestimating Eminem when I say I expected an album bomb – or whatever that equivalent would be in the UK and our land of silly chart rules – from the deluxe edition of his pretty damn terrible album, Music to be Murdered By. This 3/10 trainwreck consists of two hours I’ll never get back of either great beats wasted by Eminem’s corny, stiff flows and painfully unlikeable delivery or obnoxious, unlistenable beats that are dated enough for Eminem to start going on his Relapse “killing women in funny accents” shtick, which was awful then and even worse now when he tries to replicate it. Marshall, you’re 48, and I know that you’re just “messing around” but if you’re going to treat the album as a cinematic masterpiece within the album and its thematic Alfred Hitchcock interludes, you have to understand that the audience will see it as that way as well, so you having fun and being painfully unfunny in the process over cutting-room-floor trap instrumentals cannot slide. At least Kamikaze had some genuine anger and dare I say some actual balls in how it tackled controversy and dissed everyone he could think of off the top of his head. The last record was angry and bitter, this one’s just tired and lazy, and that’s before we get into some of the ugliest bars, instrumentals and cadences Slim Shady’s ever put on record, which is especially present on “Gnat”, a lightweight trap banger with some acoustic guitars not dissimilar to those that would appear on a Lil Baby mixtape, complete with questionable bass mixing and really bad hooks. On the verses, he sends a death threat to Mike Pence, but on the chorus, his bars are “like COVID” because “you get them right off the bat”. I don’t know about you, but in 2020, I don’t want to hear Eminem harmonising with producer tags, making topical and insensitive pandemic references, or spitting sex bars with coughing ad-libs. Before the beat switch, his flows are some of the sloppiest and drawn-out he’s ever used, and yes, I’ll admit, that second beat is a lot better and Em kills it over that instrumental – but only for a brief moment before we have a third beat, which Eminem is pretty great over, especially with that sax and sweet piano keys overlaid with hard 808s and Eminem’s rapid-pace, quick fire flow... and then he raps the chorus again and I want the song to end as quickly as it started – thankfully, it does end rather abruptly. Just wasted potential all throughout – if that beat switch and flow was a guest verse on damn near anyone else’s record (Em has made tracks with Don Toliver of all people, and he could work), this could be great. For now, Em, you know Kris Kristofferson? I think you should Piss Pissofferson. Forever. Look that up, by the way, that’s a lyric on the record because of course it is.

#61 – “In the Bleak Midwinter” – Jamie Cullum

Produced by ???

I had only briefly heard the name “Jamie Cullum” before this, but he is an English jazz-pop singer and pianist who’s basically useless and uninteresting but, hey, at least he has a radio show on BBC Radio 2. Sure, I mean that might have been the reason that Amazon Music picked him up for an exclusive project for which this is the biggest single. It’s not on Spotify, it’s not even on Genius, and it’s barely on YouTube but since it is, I should tell you that this is his first charting single since 2009 and it’s a remarkably uninteresting rendition of a Christmas carol done a lot better by Jacob Collier – and that one’s on Spotify – so yeah, your sleepy piano arrangement and tone that makes you sound like Robbie Williams half the time and Beck the other, doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

#30 – “Afterglow” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by PARISI, Fred Again and Ed Sheeran

If we inexplicably remove everything Christmas-related on the chart, Eminem’s “Gnat” would have debuted at #20, and this new track from Ed Sheeran, already stunted from being released on an unconventional day, would have hit #5. Regardless of chart position, Ed Sheeran’s back with his first solo single since Divide. Yes, I’m purposefully ignoring that collaborative project he put out in 2019 because as far as I know, it doesn’t exist. At the end of the year, when things are looking as if he could start touring again, Sheeran predictably releases his lead-off single. This song in particular is a heartfelt ballad from Ed to his wife, who he wishes to be there forever and even if they aren’t together at any moment, whether he’s touring or they separate for whatever reason, he’ll “hold on to the afterglow”. I won’t lie, it’s a really sweet and convincingly sold love song from Ed, even if it’s not anything new, it does feel like a different approach since he’s a newly-wed man now. Although I’m not a fan of this somewhat muddy mixing that somehow messes up just a guy and his acoustic guitar, making what should be a really pretty, ethereal and mellow track sound almost ugly, which doesn’t flatter Ed and his limited delivery at all, especially when he starts getting multi-tracked in the second verse and whooshing sound effects of strings pop up in the mix, and, yeah, it just sounds cheap and gross at this point, which is really a waste of incredible content and a great performance from Ed, who sells everything as well as he can. I understand how this is supposed to be down to Earth, so a perfect mix wouldn’t make sense, but if you’re going to make him harmonise with his own background vocals and even show signs of belting, give him some more grandiosity and go full out instead of restraining him so that it just sounds jarring. With a different mix this could be one of Ed’s best tracks since the melodies are on point, the song feels really heart-warming and sincere, especially coming from Ed to his wife, but we won’t get a remaster anytime soon, I imagine, so for now this is just pretty damn good. I love the cover art as well, painted by Ed himself, and released alongside the single as a bit of a Christmas gift to fans, as well as the start of what I’m pretty sure will be a promo cycle. If this is a good peek into what that album will sound like, it’s safe to say I’m more than excited than ever to hear from Ed Sheeran.

#5 – “Boris Johnson is a Fricking Jerk” – Kool & the Gang

Produced by ???

Okay, so the song’s calling Boris Johnson something stronger than a “fricking jerk”, and the song is decidedly not by soul legends Kool & the Gang, although I’d love for that to happen sometime. This is a family show, of course, so we have to take some liberties. This track originates from a comedian from Basildon, Essex of all places, and whilst we don’t know his name, the songwriting credit on Spotify is given to contemporary British poet Wayne Clements so maybe he’s behind this, who knows? Whether he is or not, I can tell you the history behind this comedian’s music, as he has been making crude short singles about controversial topics in British society and politics for a while, including some about Nick Clegg that charted, although never higher than #63. He retired in 2016 but after writing an autobiography, the guy’s back and he released a compilation of punk rock tracks, all of which are small and profane, with a “band” of puppets that I also can’t name. State-controlled Russian television networks – because, sure, again, it’s 2020 – say that he will start touring in 2021, mostly because he’s finally reached that mainstream audience with this family-friendly tune about Boris Johnson. Here’s how Vick Hope and Katie Thistleton introduced it live on air during the mid-week chart reveal.

Now at #19, we've got a track about Boris Johnson that has so many bad words in it, we can't play it on daytime Radio 1.

Ah, you cowards. Wait... Anyway, I’m pretty happy that the British public can stick it to Boris and the heartless Tories that follow him and currently rule the country, even if it is all a bloody stupid joke from an anonymous punk rocker. We can dig into Boris for his failures on Brexit, mishandling of the pandemic, disgraceful reality-star-esque personal life, that he wasn’t even born in the UK yet is basically a nationalist, his history of Islamophobic commentary, his crap excuses for journalism back in the 2000s or even his clown-nose, blonde bowl-cut “hair style” he adopts whilst addressing us on live television feeding us lies and misleading statements that turn into retcons the next time he has to address the nation, whether it be on Brexit or COVID-19 tiers and regulations, both of which are a confusing mess to both sides of Europe that exist to drift us away from where we should be going as a nation, and further into the realm of political party tribalism that we know absolutely does not work in the States and that we mock the Yanks for. We’re more than the sick man of Europe, we are the America of Europe. I guess you could say Ireland is our Canada, but we don’t even have a Mexico to make us look better, we just have other western, central and northern European countries that may be flawed but are far ahead of whatever the hell this shell of a union is in 2020, less than 80 years after the creation of our National Health Service. People will look to pundits and newsreaders like Piers Morgan, entertainers like Phillip Schofield, war veterans and charity-givers like Captain Tom Moore, and even politicians like Boris Johnson, as the “heroes” of Britain’s 2020 but it’s increasingly clear that absolutely no-one is a hero, and it’s the people’s right to be upset. Hence, nearly exactly a year after Boris Johnson cheated his way into power by smear campaigns and elitism, we have this song debuting at #5. Unfortunately, the song doesn’t go into any of that. It just repeats the title in an anthemic – and considerably agreeable – refrain that is an undeniable punk hook. The riffs and guitar work here isn’t of any interest, but the guy’s delivery is powerful and furious, so I’ll give the song credit: it’s not just correct but it’s really good, especially for a one minute runtime. He also released some satirical MIDI-level synth-pop remix with gross Christmas sleigh bells and hi-hat skitters, because, say it with me, it’s 2020. I wouldn’t recommend the album though, it overstays its welcome by the time you get to “Jesus Died of a Stranglewank”.

#1 – “Don’t Stop Me Eatin’” – LadBaby

Produced by who cares?

I can’t get mad at this lazy “parody” of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” about sausage rolls, or even its Ronan Keating remix, which is LadBaby doing a favour to Ronan Keating, if anything. Sure, my blood boils with the idea that this incompetent Internet personality from the East Midlands – which I think I’m sadly also able to describe myself as – got the #1 over Mariah Carey, or even that Boris Johnson diss track, but it’s going to the Trussell Trust and it’s ultimately an inoffensive, vaguely happy track that even gets the vegans involved. I, for one, prefer “Boris Johnson is a Sausage Roll”, a version of our #5 you can – and should – play on the radio even after Christmas. I don’t have anything more to say about this guy so piss off, LadBaby, you can’t even get the album cover right to the song you’re parodying, thrice in a row.

Conclusion

Best of the Week is definitely going to the Somethings for “Boris Johnson is a Something Something”, with an Honourable Mention to Ed Sheeran’s “Afterglow”. I can’t bring myself to give a charity single Worst of the Week so I’ll spare LadBaby the honour and grant it to Jamie Cullum for his greedy Amazon exclusive trite, with a Dishonourable Mention for “Gnat” by Eminem, for just being wasted potential all across the board. Next week, everything Christmas-related will be gone and we’ll get a bunch of returns and hopefully some new, interesting returning entries. We might even get the impact of Playboi Carti’s long-anticipated album – and I hope so because it’s fantastic – but that’s wishful thinking. Anyways, I hope everyone had a happy holiday season. Here’s our top 10:

Thank you for reading. You can follow me @cactusinthebank for more rambling about pop music and occasionally politics, and I’ll see you next year.

[motoyas]

I WAS TAGGED BY: @dicennio and @kageyamastobio​ (thanks for the tag ;) it was nice getting to know you guys better through the questions) 

Tagging: mutuals i want to get to know better -> @destroy-konoha​ @sarukui​ @yuus​ @keikakus​ +anyone else that wants to do this :) (you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to!)

RULES: ANSWER THESE 85 STATEMENTS AND TAG 20 PEOPLE

THE LAST 1. DRINK: water 2. PHONE CALL: the last call i got was one of those spam calls that i don’t bother picking up for lol, but the last call i made was to my dad 3. TEXT MESSAGE: a friend 4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Forever by EXO (the new album snatched me bald in record time) 5. TIME YOU CRIED: idk probably over some fanfic (i’ve cried so many times over kittebasu’s crossfire) 6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nah 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: eh  8. BEEN CHEATED ON: i don’t think so? 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yeah 10. BEEN DEPRESSED: yea 11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: yea... (no ragrets) 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. red 13. black 14. recently i’ve been really feeling that pastel blue/cyan IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes! 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: nah 17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: all the time (surround yourself with ppl who can make this happen :) 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: lol when are people not talking 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: yeah, for the better 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: ha yeah 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: don’t have facebook GENERAL 22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: don’t have facebook 23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: oh i wish, sadly we don’t really have time to look after one. it’s okay tho, one of my friends owns like a zoo 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: nah, it’s unique 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: karaoke and din din with friends in the city  26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i woke up at 7:30, then went back to bed at 8:30 and didn’t wake up until like almost 1:00 lol 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: i was watching a drama 28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: when i finally get my license rip 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: a few minutes ago when she came home from work  31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: 소름 (Chill) by EXO 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: one of the managers at this nursing home i volunteer at is named tom, other than that probably some customer i’ve served at a restaurant i work at 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: lol ongoing racism and polarization in the U.S 34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: gmail, youtube, tumblr 35. HAIR COLOUR: dark brown, like really dark, basically black 36. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: long 37. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: oh sehun has really been making my heart go doki doki lately 38. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: hm, my collar bones lol and i guess my hair because it’s so low maintenance  39. PIERCINGS: mah ears 40. BLOOD TYPE: i’m pretty sure O. not sure if it’s negative or positive... my parents just assumed i’m O because they’re both O which makes sense since O is recessive anyways 41. NICKNAME: a lot. they’re mainly inside jokes tho 42. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: me, myself, and I. living my best life 43. ZODIAC:  leo  44. PRONOUNS: she/her  45. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i don’t really know? i guess weightlifting fairy kim bok joo, it’s a kdrama tho. i’ve kinda stopped watching a lot of western shows because they always drag it on for too long and it always ends up going downhill -.- 46. TATTOOS: i’m planning for my first 47. RIGHT OR LEFT HANDED: righty 48. SURGERY: does getting your wisdom teeth out count? funny story, i was awake the whole time when they took out all four and i felt every push, tug, and crack 50. SPORT: track and tennis 51. VACATION: like places i want to go? i’m looking at iceland, new zealand, and south korea. i’ve been to a good amount of places before like other states in the U.S, canada, china, japan, england, and france 52. PAIR OF TRAINERS: too many, i count 9 rn but there’s more in storage (i live for comfort so...) MORE GENERAL 53. EATING: rice all day everyday 54. DRINKING: nothing beats water. but i also enjoy green tea because it has a lot of health benefits, black coffee (yeah i’m that snob ^^), and boba!!! 55. I’M ABOUT TO: read a book (ik, what a concept) 56. WAITING FOR: me road test 57. WANT: money (ya girl’s broke), also to get into college 58. GET MARRIED: maybe in 10 years, who knows where life will take me WHICH IS BETTER: 60. HUGS OR KISSES: both? 61. LIPS OR EYES: eyes, although lips are cool too 62. SHORTER OR TALLER: tall because i’m a small and people always want what they don’t have 63. OLDER OR YOUNGER: older 64. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: both? i don’t really care  65. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship 66. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: troublemaker ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) HAVE YOU EVER: 67. KISSED A STRANGER: no 68. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: pffft yeah 69. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: somehow i have 20/20 vision? 70. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yea 71. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nope 72. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: nah 73. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: nah 74. BEEN ARRESTED: lol no 75. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: yeah 76. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: no DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. YOURSELF: how can i not when all those inspirational memes tell me to? 78. MIRACLES: hmmm idk 79. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: no? it’s probs because i’ve personally never experienced anything like that 80. SANTA CLAUS: lol nooo 81. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: it depends on the date 82. ANGELS: lol do fictional characters count? (i’m looking at you sawamura eijun, the entire cast of oofuri, + all of my haikyuu!! children) OTHER: 84. EYE COLOUR: dark brown,  85. FAVOURITE MOVIE: i don’t think i have one?

[fxvixen]

92 truths

tagged by @livecement​, aw yeeeeah i really wanted to do this one

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag try to tag people and get really anxious.

LAST…

[1] drink: water

[2] phone call: my mom

[3] text message: my pharmacy about my new prescription and before that, my old work friend

[4] song you listened to: this mashup

[5] time you cried: i cried last night and most of yesterday afternoon

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: if you count middle school level “dating” yes but otherwise no

[7] been cheated on: no

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: i’ve only kissed one person and the reason i regretted it was because right after it happened i realized that i didn’t like them like that 

[9] lost someone special: not to death

[10] been depressed: lol

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no, i’m pure

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] black satin that’s shiny af

[13] emerald green satin that’s also shiny af

[14] dark magenta satin that’s ALSO shiny af

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: lots

[16] fallen out of love: yeah

[17] laughed until you cried: once

[18] found out someone was talking about you? i’m sure lots of people are talking about me, i’m flawless

[19] met someone who changed you: yeah

[20] found out who your true friends are: uh... who knows

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: yeah

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them, the only people i don’t are people i’ve fallen out of touch with

[23] do you have any pets: oliver, cat

[24] do you want to change your name: i wouldn’t change my name, because it’s easy for people to remember but i’ve always wanted a nickname, so i’d be tempted to change my name to something that gave me a nickname

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: i was in a log cabin with my family and i got ice cream sandwiches 

[26] what time did you wake up: 11:16ish

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: i had just finished serenading beca, because someone pounded on my wall

[28] name something you cannot wait for: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY TWOOOOOOO

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: two days ago

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had someone to cuddle with

[31] what are you listening to right now: this same mashup

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yep

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: myself

[34] most visited website: here and https://www.solitr.com/ which i’ve found relaxes me

[35] elementary: i had lots of different friends and the teachers loved me

[37] college: it’s an ongoing process

[38] hair colour: my dad always used to say that it’s turd brown, but it’s got some highlights in it rn

[39] long or short hair: just past shoulder length, but nowhere near what i would consider “long”

[40] do you have a crush on someone: yeah, fuck my life

[41] what do you like about yourself? uh...i can sing. sometimes i look good. sometimes i crack a joke. sometimes i think i’m good at writing

[42] piercings: lol sometimes my ears are pierced, but i only wear earrings like once a year so i always gotta force ‘em through

[43] blood type: A+  at least something about me is getting perfect grades

[44] nickname: yeah i want one

[45] relationship status: hah

[46] zodiac sign: leo

[47] pronouns: she/her

[48] fav tv show: young justice or haikyuu

[49] tattoos: i’m planning on getting at least two but i don’t have time right now for my small one and i don’t have the money for my big one so lol no

[50] right or left handed: mostly right, but anything to do with shooting or aiming is left

FIRST…

[51] surgery: i got a cyst removed from the bottom of my tongue

[52] piercing: my ears when i was 13 or so?

[53] best friend: lol right now the only friends i really have are my tumblr friends because my friends irl decided to be dicks, so vivi is literally my bestie

[54] sport: soccer

[55] vacation: i went to boston when i was 2

[56] pair of trainers: i think they were white, who knows

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: watermelon gum

[58] drinking: water

[59] i’m about to: pretend to do my homework until i have to leave

[60] listening to: it’s still this damn mashup

[61] waiting for: my life to actually start

[62] want: for my homework to magically be done or for my anxiety about it to disappear

[63] get married: i think i’d like to, but only to wear the dress and show everyone how much i love the person

[64] career: student, research assistant 

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: i like hugs but my only experience with kissing wasn’t that great. can i choose nuzzling as an in between. like, hugging with my face

[66] lips or eyes: lips

[67] shorter or taller: i like to feel small but i’m kind of big and i like to hold other people so ??? either, i’m just not a fan of someone the same size as me

[68] older or younger: idc

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: ..... stomach?????? idk

[71] sensitive or loud: i don’t like the insinuation here, but loud people make me nervous

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? no

[75] drank hard liquor? yes

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? yes

[77] turned someone down: kind of

[78] sex on first date? no, but... i might?

[79] broken someone’s heart? i think so

[80] had your own heart broken? yeah

[81] been arrested? no and i’d probably just start crying

[82] cried when someone died? technically yes

[83] fallen for a friend: lol... yeah more than once

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? about certain things, yes. i tend to believe in myself more when someone says i can’t do it or they think they can be beat

[85] miracles? there’s been some things that have happened to me that i’m not really sure what to take it as other than some kind of divine intervention

[86] love at first sight? i don’t think so

[87] santa claus? no

[88] kiss on the first date? probably

[89] angels? who knows

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: i already said it

[91] eye color: hazel

[92] favorite movie: avatar or guardians of the galaxy

i’m tagging @queeniwaizumi, @heynoir, @mattsunflower, @strawberry-jambouree, @tobioslilgiant, @rockin-llama, @robin22nerd

you don’t gotta do it if you don’t want

[deadcactuswalking]

The Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020

Screw your introductions. It’s 2020, we haven’t got time for a pre-amble. This is the best list.

THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2020

For 2018 and 2017, I did four massive lists with at least 10 songs each discussed in depth for the end of the year. I’m proud of them and I stick by them but they’re tedious to write and read. You really need some kind of visual medium for them to work that well, at least in my style of year-end lists. Thankfully, there are hundreds of people doing just that so instead, I’m just going to take 10 songs I remember from the predicted year-end list and ramble about them in hopefully a more precise way. Let’s start with... oh, for f—

#10

“I Hope” – Gabby Barrett

Peak: #3

I don’t like country music, or really get country music. I’m British, I’m not supposed to, but as I do watch charts I see country music gaining increased prominence on the charts, in an era of streaming I didn’t think it could really cope with. I’m using SailorCharts’ predictions for the Billboard Year-End Hot 100; this is at #10, which is crazy to me. That’s probably thanks to that nonsensical Charlie Puth remix but let’s ignore that for the sake of my sanity. “I Hope” is vindictive, overly harsh and absolutely repulsive. It shows an uglier side to Gabby Barrett that you’d usually only be able to see if you look up her political views, but that’s what makes it so uniquely cathartic to me. This is a person who I disagree with heavily on a moral principle ripping off a middling Carrie Underwood track with blown-out, compressed and really gross production... but that’s 2020 for you. It’s hard to listen to with a straight face or without turning it off, but you have to endure it. You have to listen to this woman croakily belt her overlong chorus until the melody of that hook grounds itself into your mind, and you remember that climax point. “And then I hope she cheats”. Barrett isn’t destroying the guy’s sports car as a metaphor for her revenge fantasy like Underwood, she is just completely upfront about how much she wants this guy to be left emotionally distraught by this new relationship out of pure spite. Nothing represents the constant aggravation of 2020 finally releasing and expressing all of the fears and anger society has kept curled up until they were forced to isolate for the sake of common human respect and dignity, and the fact that people are adamant that they’ve had enough of oppression, inequality and the elite, than those squealing guitars in the second chorus and Barrett’s raspy delivery. This song is far from perfect – I’ve seen many argue it’s not good at all – but it feels necessary this year as an avenue for the public to vent their frustration. Now let’s do that with someone who isn’t a Trump supporter.

#9

“The Bigger Picture” – Lil Baby

Peak: #3

Yeah, speaking of songs being necessary, I admire Lil Baby, a person with a platform who people, especially the youth, will listen to, for making a protest song like this. Regardless of how many rappers express their grievances about racial inequality and societal issues, the person with the biggest and most impactful voice will always matter the most to me. The most important issue Baby gets at here is that racism isn’t new or simple. It’s complex. It’s deep-seated. It’s systematic. It exists in the very way people function under their governments and how people live their lives and do business. Even me mentioning business is a sign of how capitalism undermines the struggle for the economy. Lil Baby speaks from his own experience in Atlanta and gets to the heart of real Black struggle in the United States, with the inherent fear and defiance that many young Black men have of the police and authority, regardless of background or criminal record (oftentimes non-existent, unlawful or directly targeted). Sure, he dips his toe into some centrist ideas, which I’m not a fan of, but they aren’t rooted in this “why can’t we all get along?” crap often spouted by those who don’t want to see social upheaval affect the money flow. It’s not just rich old white dudes either, look at Lil Pump, Lil Wayne and Kanye West, and how buddied up they got with Trump for their own desperate financial security and outright refusal, in many ways hypocritical, to help the working-class and the disadvantaged. They’re only disadvantaged because of the elite. It should not be an inherent birth right to be impoverished, but that’s how we live, and I admire Baby for attempting to make a change over the melancholy pianos and trap skitters. Oh, and yeah, he’s flowing and spitting over this. He’s not boring and overly pretentious. He’s engaging. He makes you want and need to listen to him because he, like many Black people in America and oppressed minority groups worldwide, has got something to say. We’ve got to start somewhere. Black lives matter. Now for some honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions

Let’s have a lighter tone, perhaps, for these next few entries, but first, let’s run through some honourable mentions, in no particular order other than where they are on the predicted Hot 100.

“Blinding Lights” – The Weeknd

This song has already been talked about to death, by about March, so I’d be doing a disservice to discuss it here.

“Don’t Start Now” – Dua Lipa

Same here. This is a weird list because whilst this would be in the top five if I had more to say about it, I don’t have much to say about it other than how it is a perfectly composed pop song. I want to discuss songs I actually care about on a level more than pure sonic enjoyment, so make of that what you will.

“ROCKSTAR” – DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch

Roddy Ricch should be absolutely treasured while he’s still here.

“Life is Good” – Drake and then Future

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about pop music in 2020 it is that Future, when he’s on, is an absolute monster. Anyway, more honourable mentions soon, and let’s hop back onto the list proper.

#8

Screw it, it’s my list.

“All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey

Peak: #1

At the start of this year in January, it felt like just another monotonous routine of a year that started exactly how it would end: with apathy about the world in ruins. This is true for most years but 2020 decided to spice it up a little with... you know... 2020, and all of its pandemics, riots and chaos. So, for just a short time, can I talk about a song that provides absolute joy to absolutely everyone? It peaked at #1 at Christmas in 2019, which was part of the 2020 chart year, and it’s on the predicted list, so it counts and it is an incredible song that reaches into the holiday festivities with manufactured cynicism, before plunging into that jolly bag of cash and producing the most organically happy Christmas song ever. The song is, by name, not even about Christmassy commercialism, and rejects it entirely, with how Carey croons beautifully about how she isn’t asking for gifts, snow or Santa Claus. It’s telling how a single about wanting personal connection every holiday season is the biggest Christmas song of all time instead of any of the other schlock that gets reissued and has a resurgence in this time of year. It helps that it is a gorgeous and intricately composed song with that mellow intro building up into the sleigh bells and pounding percussion carrying the wonderfully 90s strings. This is a timeless classic and I’m so glad it’s a Christmas standard, for what it stands for as well as it being just an amazing song that really only comes around every so often to be a bonafide smash hit everyone loves and appreciates... except maybe every retail worker since December 1994. Walmart is a cesspit anyway, I assume that bile can be chalked up to overplay and negative connotations, of which this song on its own in a vacuum, has absolutely none.

#7

“We Paid” – Lil Baby and 42 Dugg

Peak: #10

How do I even...? I mean... just listen to the song. It clicks. I’d love to leave it there but I am obliged to ramble so... I find this song impossible to explain. I mean, it’s just “We Paid” by Lil Baby and 42 Dugg, an absolute anomaly. It’s barely a song, with a chorus unrecognisable from its verses, two nasal and uninteresting vocalists, flows I’ve heard before and clearly rushed, awkward bass mastering and mixing overall... yet it’s so, so addictive. It’s all about that intro for me, where it starts with a whistle and off-beat, complete nonsense producer tags and pre-verse rambling from 42 Dugg, before the bass kicks in and it just hits so hard. I couldn’t care less about any single line after “’Fore I go broke like Joc”, and I don’t have to. Both Dugg and Baby have stiff flows but are full of character that is so, so necessary over this menacing trap beat that survives only off of the melody so incredibly low in the mix I can’t tell what it’s even trying to be. Oh, and, while we’re here...

“24” – Money Man, remixed by Lil Baby

Peak: #49

This is good for a lot of the same reasons, and wasn’t even a hit. I just wanted to highlight this song for many of the same reasons I really love “We Paid”. It’s a complete nobody rapping robotically over a trap beat that bumps but only because of the cadence and charisma of the two rappers here... which is kind of non-existent in both songs. It relies on the flows, and they’re just kind of monotonous after each of the iconic opening lines. It’s also telling that this chorus acknowledges two Black men who have since become iconic in their fields and died within a month of each other, those being Kobe Bryant and Pop Smoke, may they rest in peace. It’s pretty tragic, actually, and adds a sense of depth to the braggadocious triumph these deflated singles attempt to convey. I am bemused by these songs and whilst you can try to fully understand popular music to the point of deep analysis and Genius annotations, the best music has a sense of mystery and intrigue, at least to me, and something about the whistle in “We Paid” and the vocoded guitar line in “24” makes these two tracks incredibly replayable. Also, you know, Lil Baby’s verse on “24” might be the verse of the year.

Honourable Mentions #2

The sequel is never as good as the original. Regardless, here are some more honourable mentions.

“WHATS POPPIN” – Jack Harlow, remixed by DaBaby, Tory Lanez and Lil Wayne

This guy is a bad omen. “I’mma spend this holiday locked in” is an eerie prediction of this dour year. Also DaBaby is awesome when he tries.

“Roses” – SAINt JHN, remixed by Imanbek

The original song is dreadful, I have no idea how this Kazakh house DJ pulled this remix off but it is a massive improvement from about every possible angle you could think of.

“10,000 Hours” – Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber

That’s well over a year, like that’s 416.7 days. These guys are devoted... and honestly kind of scary.

“Ballin’” – Mustard featuring Roddy Ricch

Chorus of the year.

“Blueberry Faygo” – Lil Mosey

This song is awful, absolutely reprehensible, with no redeeming factors and a clear lack of effort put into anything in the song itself... but at least it’s optimistic. At least it sounds happy and like a true Song of the Summer, and, oh, my God, we needed that this year.

#6

“Lemonade” – Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver

Peak: #6

NAV is on my best list. NAV is on a year-end list. NAV has a #1 hit in the United Kingdom, Portugal and Greece. NAV, the Brown Boy himself, has one of the biggest hits of both 2020 and 2021, given that this isn’t caught between years, and I’m not complaining because this song is a riot. I did say that this list wasn’t based on pure sonic enjoyment but I’m going to throw that absolutely out the window for this one. If anything, “Blinding Lights” and “Don’t Start Now” aren’t on the list out of pure fatigue, because this song is just as incredible as it sounded on release, with that slick, watery acoustic guitar coating a light trap skitter and bouncy 808s. That’s a description I could use about most hip-hop this year, but “Lemonade” has this liquid-smooth quality to it and it is safe to say that NAV and Gunna fill up all of the space available in their container here, whatever that means. NAV, for once, co-opts a flow that sounds great from his whiny Canadian mumble, mostly because he takes Don Toliver’s flow from the chorus, and whilst he didn’t write this chorus, he absolutely sells it with his soulful crooning. This song is a hedonistic celebration of everything materialistic and meaningless, but it’s having fun doing it, and that is seldom seen in 2020’s trap efforts. Gunna’s flows here are playing with the beat in a way that is reminiscent of Young Thug but finally in a way that sounds uniquely interesting and fitting for Gunna, and not just straining his limited vocals out to testing out a flow that clearly doesn’t fit the guy, or settling for something a lot less engaging. Man, out of all people to be praising this year, I did not expect it to be Lil Baby, NAV and Gunna... back to back, several times. Let’s get back to people I did expect to be gushing about by the end of the year.

#5

“everything i wanted” – Billie Eilish

Peak: #8

Much like “The Bigger Picture”, this song made the list out of necessity, mostly in its lyrics. I would be absolutely selling this year short to not include one of the most thought-provoking young women in pop music on a list like this, and thankfully, she wrote a gorgeous song that I can discuss here. Firstly, the sound of this song is brilliantly subtle and intimate, with panning keys, light-weight clapping percussion and such little focus on everything surrounding Eilish’s soft, dead-pan cooing multi-tracked to add that extra depth and convincing delivery to the lyrical content, which we’ll discuss later. It’s not that this makes the song sound unfinished or lazy, or even uninteresting, because it has that degree of elevation that is necessary for a lyrically focused song like this, with the second verse starting off with just the muted 808s emphasising that intimacy that Eilish attempts to convey through the lyrics, which are mostly an ode to her and her brother’s especially close relationship. Eilish details her depression and even nightmares, relating to a lot of her music’s themes surrounding sleep paralysis and the very concept of dreaming. That first verse is heavy in content, and honestly distressing to even write about here, but it can be summarised in this: Eilish had a dream where she committed suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, which is a common location for these types of deaths, adding that unnerving realism to the verse. The verse may be about betrayal but you could interpret it and much of her music as a response to the press and the media, which seems to flip on how they portray and criticise her, which has been increasingly obvious this year. That makes the idea of no-one, not even her fandom and those keeping the most attention and eyes on her, caring about her suicide even more damaging and raising the stakes to something that doesn’t feel like meaningless teenage angst or even just dropping off emotional baggage. The song is, in many ways, a love song to the only person she thinks would care: her brother, FINNEAS, with the chorus reciting his words of wisdom and reassurance to Eilish as she struggles with suicidal thoughts. The verses may be a specific and detailed level of insight into her psyche, but the chorus, with its wider scope and lesser detail, doesn’t come off as unrealised. Rather, it appears motivational, to both Eilish and the audience, but with the following verse and final leg of the chorus making it incredibly clear that words mean nothing without an action to follow it up or back up what has been said. Motivation doesn’t mean a quote on a wallpaper or Genius lyrics page. It’s about the willpower and the inspiration to change the way you think about yourself and make self-improvements to battle these demons, even when it seems impossible, and if it does seem impossible, there’s always your close support bubble that can reassure you and bring you back down to Earth when it all feels so unreal and that you can’t handle it.

     Ee-ooh.

#4

“The Box” – Roddy Ricch

Peak: #1

It’s tough to go into extreme depth about the personal impact a hit song has had on your mental health and what this means for the audience of said artist, and then completely dismiss it for another wacky Young Thug clone, but I did it before – in this very list twice already – and I’ll do it again, God damn it. “The Box” is pure chaos. It starts with this triumphant brass section that sounds dusty and classic, but then you immediately hear that damned “ee-ooh” sound, barely on beat and barely holding a note. It sounds like a poor falsetto imitation of a door creaking, and it is perfect. It’s just such an engaging hook, as if the actual hooks and choruses weren’t engaging and interesting enough. There’s so many intricacies to Roddy Ricch’s performance here and his array of flows are put on display excellently over this menacing beat with that reversed 808 that sets this apart from any other trap beat, especially with the eerie keys and especially with Roddy Ricch, who delivers possibly the best performance on this list second to my #1. The song starts with that mighty, iconic hook and even with that, Roddy rejects his flow before the measure is even up, outright refusing to continue and stalling with a muted “mm” sound. The lyrics aren’t cryptic by any means but it’s not like they’re all that simple, forming some kind of trap-rap word association all about “the box”, which could really mean anything at this point. He goes for a whiny elongated ending to each line in the second part of the chorus before switching sides to elongating the middle of the line in contrast to him spitting the last few words in rapid succession with a carefree cadence that’s almost inspiringly smooth. His verses are littered with charisma and hilarious ad-libs, and that’s before he goes into that falsetto for the second half of the first verse, with a simple but joyously stiff delivery, that makes his voice get closer to cracking with every syllable. Then we have the second verse, where the dude even laughs on beat and makes it sound great. The yelping in the second verse is endearing and amazing, with the way the beat cuts off for him to belt “BITCH, DON’T WEAR NO SHOES IN MY HOUSE!” at the top of his lungs like a misogynist toddler absolutely completing the song for me, and how the beat comes in afterwards is just perfect. It’s hard to explain this song without listening to it, again, but one listen of these flows and how he plays around with the beat like a kids’ toy is enough to understand truly why this song is one of the best of this year, and that Roddy Ricch is an absolute treasure.

I’m a 2020 presidential candidate / I done put a hundred bands on Zimmerman

This might be the best lyric on this list by the way. Speaking of ridiculous trap bangers with quotable lyrics and incredible flows...

#3

“Heartless” – The Weeknd

Peak: #1

How did both of these songs hit #1? Sure, they’re trendy, they’re catchy and they’re by popular artists, but there’s something about these songs that feels so chaotic and messy, yet so grounded in reality despite how loony these guys and their performances are, including the lyrics. For “The Box”, you have 30 Roc’s pounding trap beat to make sure Roddy doesn’t completely go off the walls, and for “Heartless”, well, the same is true, but replace 30 Roc for the absolute legend of modern hip-hop production that is Metro Boomin. The intro going into the first verse is one of the highlights of pop music this year. I love how it leads you in with the mystery of the coating of reverb-drenched synths, all of which sound oddly alien, before revealing the layer of the trap beat and furthering the mystery via The Weeknd’s whispering “sheesh” ad-libs. Then, when that first verse hits, all subtlety is dismissed as excessive and unnecessary, even with that first cocky opening line, but especially when the heavy 808 bass continues to crash multiple on each bar surrounded by air horns and Abel’s never-ending luxury porn. This song is an ode to self-aware, reckless and absolutely self-indulgent materialism, highlighting its effect on not only how Abel copes (most notably with the amphetamines making his “stummy” feel “sickly”) but also on who surrounds him, particularly his inability to settle down and find a partner, and how frustrated he is with this, which is especially true in the chorus, before he puts on the disguise once again for the verses, in which he spits a list of endless excessiveness in his bars carrying as much swagger as he usually does. This song in all its maximalist production is oddly minimal in how it presents the raw psyche of the character of the Weeknd and his drug-addled mindset that couldn’t care less about the effect he has on his friends, family, women, himself or even society, as long as he has a good time... but it’s increasingly clear that he knows the impact this life style has and he understand that it makes him “heartless”, but only because that’s what he decides is directly affecting him and of course, Abel has always made sure that the character of the Weeknd is as selfish and self-obsessive as possible. It helps that this isn’t a moaning and moody piece of self-indulgent boring trap slop. It isn’t conveying a message through music that can’t represent it, it’s effectively pulling off its narrative through the whole sonic package, and you know what helps even more? It’s fun, and it’s funny, and the revealing bridge where Abel looks back at his past relationships and how this life style is a response to the damage and pain inflicted on him by said relationships, comes as a genuine shock because just seconds earlier, the guy said this:

So much pussy, it be fallin’ out the pocket

What an incredibly thought-out song, and definitely one deserving of a couple GRAMMY Awards in whatever category those racist out-of-touch elitist executives decide to retroactively slot the Weeknd into when the backlash becomes too much. With that said, here are some more honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions #3

Now in IMAX 3-D!

“Break My Heart” – Dua Lipa

INXS are fuming.

“Good as Hell” – Lizzo

This is beautifully composed and genuinely motivating, and Lizzo has so much charisma but in 2020, I do not feel “good as hell” enough to justify this being on the list. Hey, what can I say? Truth hurts.

“Truth Hurts” – Lizzo

That failed gag was about as on-the-nose as this song itself, but Lizzo totally embraces that.

“For the Night” – Pop Smoke featuring DaBaby and Lil Baby

“Wishing Well” – Juice WRLD

I’m not a fan of these songs in particular but it would be awful of me to not include these two artists on the lists, even if it’s tragic that it has to be posthumously. Both were gone way too soon, and way too close together for it to feel anything more than distressing and really depressing. Sure, they represent two completely different issues rappers face, but the fact that the two biggest hip-hop artists of 2020 are both gone and not able to see this immense success is just a tough, bitter pill to shallow. Rest in peace to both of these men and I hope out of respect for their legacy, and out of apathy for how the record labels milk both of these audiences, that I won’t need to talk about them in the years ahead.

#2

I have just discussed a lot of important songs with meaningful concepts, deep lyrics and insight, sonically innovative instrumentals and genuine emotional trauma as the background for their creation... but when I discuss my #2 as well as my #1, I need you to keep in mind this question: what is the purpose of pop music?

#2 – “RITMO (Bad Boys for Life)” – The Black Eyed Peas and J Balvin

Peak: #26

Popular music and especially the charts should always be taken with a grain of salt. Art doesn’t necessarily mean anything without meaning appropriated to it, and that meaning has a bunch of baggage that correlates to the lyrical meaning and contextual history behind whatever is being analysed and what is being criticised or praised. The Billboard Hot 100 is a glorified stat pad, as many have pointed out, and there are flaws in the system that don’t even make it a perfectly accurate set of data. This isn’t to undermine popular music and its impact. I’m not saying Elvis Presley and his ludicrous amount of weeks at #1 is to be scoffed at, or that Michael Jackson’s Thriller is an inconsequential piece of music that shouldn’t be remembered as fondly and as often as it is. These albums and artists had a genuine effect on culture, and the society that follows it, especially in the United States’ desperate attempts at gathering an “American” culture to cope with their extreme levels of regional, ethnic and economic diversity and disparity. Neither my #2 nor #1 pick reflect that at all. In fact, “RITMO” is a laughably bad song, but to call it a song implies there is art here, when in reality this is a pure product made for a soundtrack to a mildly successful Will Smith movie, made as a cash-grab by a fading producer-rapper and a tacked-on genuine mega-star who was offered millions of pesos to rap on this dated, lazy house-adjacent reggaeton beat. This isn’t just a product, it’s packaged and not with limited edition decoration, just typical, disposable plastic that’s harmful for the environment. I’m not doing a worst list this year because I want to celebrate what remnants of fun we had in 2020, and it’s telling that a lot of these songs are from 2019 or earlier in the year, and feel like separate landscapes even. Do you seriously remember “RITMO” in any capacity? Or even the movie that it was made for? It’s almost outstanding that a song that samples a band called Corona can be so oddly tone-deaf to the current situation, and not even one of the pandemic, but one of social progression and worldwide oppression that this song ignores to sell a product... but ignorance is bliss.

#1

It’s misleading to say that 2020 started off awful in March. That would just be blatantly untrue. Hell, the virus was discovered in Wuhan in December and made its way to Europe and the United States by the time late January rolled around, and even by then the US had killed important Iranian military secretary and one of their national heroes Qasem Soleimani ostensibly on grounds of “terrorism” for the sake of a power play and risking a potential world conflict. Diplomatic incidents don’t just happen, they have reasoning and they have a background. Not even in popular music do things just happen, they follow a trend or a burgeoning genre, and if they don’t, they are pioneers of a trend that follows to varying success. You can see this in 2019 producing the biggest hit of all time with “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, which felt like a sudden insurgency of this random country-rap pop song by a complete nobody becoming suddenly one of the most important cultural milestones in the country’s history. It’s less of a sudden event and rather an exemplification of things that were happening over time, like the dominance of streaming, conglomerates manipulating what was believed to be organic digital and social media to benefit them and the elite, the increasing saturation of white men in the country genre that has yet to improve from his bro-country years, the racism that runs rancid in the South as Republicans steer closer to extremism and anyone who can challenge them decides to clear their way to the centre or is oppressed and ignored by the government that can continue silencing them. You may say that it’s not that deep but if you talk about popular music, you absolutely have to consider its wider impact. With all that said, sometimes it’s better to live in the moment.

“Hot” – Young Thug featuring Gunna

Peak: #11

Maybe it’s bizarre for me to dismiss everything I said about the cultural impact of popular music and its existence as a product for the big three record labels as well as a milestone for culture and the audience that consumes it, just so I can put my favourite hit song at the top of the list. I would completely agree with you, and I wasn’t planning really to put this song so high until it immediately clicked in a contrast with “RITMO”. “RITMO” isn’t self-aware of its existence as purely a product and nothing else, but it’s not like that fact is hidden from you when you listen to the track. It is pure ignorance of the wider world and pure ignorance of anything that is actually and genuinely important to people across the States and across the world, but not in a way that can move people and become important. Sure, the song is fun and catchy and actually a pretty damn great song, that is why it’s so high on this list, but it’s more to represent how heavily these songs juxtapose each other. “Hot” is in equal proportions a promotion of commercialism and materialism, much like “Heartless”, but without any of the emo-adjacent moaning about fame and without any of the self-awareness... which may seem like “Hot” misses the point but it absolutely does not. “Hot” is the absolute peak of the trap genre. It’s not conceptually important, but it is a song that means the most to me in this particular period and in this particular year. The song is an album cut from 2019 that is only big because of a Travis Scott remix and SpongeBob memes, so it sets itself up to be perfectly detached from 2020, even before you hear those triumphant horns from Wheezy and the trap percussion that bumps harder than anything else on this list or in Thug’s discography. That immediate release of energy coated in smoky, whispery ad-libs isn’t what makes this song important, though, it’s the subtle build-up of Gunna’s simple, direct but menacing flow that feels like he is directly talking to you and almost wagging his finger at you whilst doing so. It’s just Gunna appreciating and absorbing the peak of hedonism in a cohesive and monotone Auto-Tuned flow. Just like the years of the Trump administration and prior, it creates a routine and a pattern that despite how outrageous it may seem, gets you used to believing what is expressed and revealed, which is often completely petty and ridiculous nonsense, just like Gunna’s bars here. Then Young Thug comes in. The aura of mystery surrounding his reverb-drenched mumbling in the bridge intrigues you and pulls you in, taking you out of the Gunna-infused hypnosis and dragging you face-first into starstruck astonishment. The song finally releases in full-blown explosive trap-rap fashion with one simple meaningless phrase: “I took the Bentley coupe back then I hopped in a Cayenne”, followed by that energetic screeching ad-lib that book-ends nearly every bar here. Finally, there’s liberation. Sure, this is hyperbolic, and I’m not trying to make some insanely pro-Biden political statement here, but it feels significant to me that this is one of the biggest hits of one of the most historically essential years in recent history, even if it didn’t make much initial impact. Thugger switches from sing-songy melodies to repetitively imitating a machine-gun in a guttural yell, and it feels natural. It feels chaotic and that there is very little focus, but that’s because there is. He is completely ignorant of anything surrounding him and indulges in his own self-aggrandisement with rapid but smooth flows in his signature yelping delivery. The lyrics are frankly meaningless and irrelevant listing of luxury brands and cars, but that’s because Thugger couldn’t care less about the wider world or what surrounds him or even the impact he himself has on society or culture. It’s not like that means the song can only be appreciated in a vacuum because it creates that vacuum for itself, and by using that one manic Thugger verse – the best verse I heard in 2019 and one of the best verses to ever hit streaming services on pure energy and delivery alone – allows itself to release and indulge in the little things, the petty fantasies, those precious albeit unimportant elements of life that add up to form some kind of self-satisfaction and dare I say in 2020, happiness, and before you can even truly appreciate that...

Turn the whole top floor to a whorehouse / Hundred racks in ones, dude bought the flood out

...it’s taken away from you once again, and you have to scour your way through a fading trap beat without any of the additional touches that made it so great in Thugger’s verse, without the playful flutes, and most importantly, without the fun. You’re left there with what remains of Wheezy’s composition after it was ravaged by Thug and with only the same whispery, barely audible repetitions that started the song off, and you realise that whilst the release may feel great and liberating while it’s there, until you break the routine and bring about change, your happiness and your freedom is meaningless and any attempt to replicate that same feeling is futile. So to answer that question, the purpose of pop music is to reflect on how culture and society develops, evolves and adapts with what it’s faced with, but ultimately, to us as people and consumers, music serves as a fleeting moment of joy, self-expression and most importantly, a release of what has to be bottled up and silenced in the everyday routine of life, because of powers outside of our control. Farewell, 2020, and good fucking riddance.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2: 16th December 2018

There’s more of them. Why? Why must there be more of them? How many Christmas songs do we need? None of the 12 we have on the Top 40 can even really make a play for the number-one spot (“thank u, next” being the Christmas #1 would be disappointing, though), so it just feels like we should be applying the same rules we do to artists who have more than three songs debut in the top 40. Three Christmas re-entries every week, at max – not only do we get less of them, but it’ll be more telling of what are the most popular ones, and we won’t have songs that never go anywhere break chart records. Did you hear that, Shakin’ Stevens? Sigh...

CHRISTMAS NONSENSE

#36 – “Driving Home for Christmas” – Chris Rea

Who’s Chris Rea? I don’t know, really, he was a guitarist, apparently? From what I can gather, this is his only lasting impact because after a peep at his discography page, I can’t remember much from this dude at all – and sadly, being best-known for this song is not a great first impression. It peaked at #33 when it was initially released in 1988 (although it was written in 1978), however has since returned to the UK Top 40 every year, peaking last year at #14. I hear this one all the time and while I was just about to trash it for being plastic and too polished to really work, I mean, all Christmas music is, right? Judging it from that perspective means that I can more specifically complement the joyful, light chirpy piano melody and the nice acoustic guitar plucks running throughout – especially the occasional riff. I do like Rea’s raspier voice and the song’s well-written and doesn’t seem dated (would have sworn this song was made in the 2000s before today, although that may just be the animated music video that I’m used to seeing), and that’s pretty much all you need to ask for a Christmas track, so since this one does more, I’m not complaining about this returning – good enough song.

#33 – “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” – Wizzard

I credit the band as “Wizzard” but it’s really “Wizzard featuring vocal backing by The Suedettes plus The Stockland Green Bilateral School First Year Choir with additional noises by Miss Snob and Class 3C”. Yeah, there’s a bunch of children choirs here that used to be credited but are now left to the wayside, just for us to gaze at in the video as the poor kid gets picked up and sang with before the song ends and Roy Wood kicks him out, quite literally. They recorded and wrote this song in August too, so their producer decorated the studio and gave lead singer Roy Wood a fitting hat from lost-property. Oh, yeah, and I’m still unsure who really owns this song, there was a brief dispute between EMI and Warner Bros over it. This classic initially peaked at #4 in 1973, and has come back every year since. Now, I love this song, not because of how well-written it is like “Fairytale of New York”, not because of the production such as in “All I Want for Christmas is You”, but mostly because of how joyful it is – despite being really tongue-in-cheek. It starts with a cash machine for God’s sake, they were clearly aware of how much of a sell-out and cash-grab a Christmas rock song was, and wrote a saccharine song with all of the elements of a Christmas song, including the crisp horns and the children’s choir, of course. Wood’s vocals here are pretty great, and there’s some proper groove to the production – I’m surprised this one never met the US Hot 100, to be honest. The instrumental bridge with the strings rising in intensity while clashing both the choir and keys is just beautiful, and I personally find it hilarious how much effort they put into perfecting something that they knew was just easy money. The sax solo in the background in the penultimate chorus is pretty cool, and Roy Wood shouting “Okay, you lot, take it!” in a growling voice is iconic. Oh, and it has whatever the 70s glam-rock equivalent of a beat switch is four minutes in that is just abrupt and unnecessary, but I’m not bothered by it, it lasts like 15 seconds.

#28 – “One More Sleep” – Leona Lewis

This is a much more recent track yet still has become somewhat of a staple. Leona Lewis is an X Factor winner who made a Christmas album in 2013, with this being her lead single and almost her revival as her last single had failed to chart and her last album did relatively badly in comparison to her two previous, so what’s better to revitalise your career than a Christmas tune? After peaking at #3 in 2013, it hadn’t re-entered into the Top 40 until 2017, but now has returned, so we can safely assume we’ll be seeing this one for years to come. Leona Lewis’ performance here is pretty great albeit subtle, over some pretty non-descript yet effective Christmas pop production. The drums here are really punchy, and with all the sleigh bells and whistles added such as the horns (I’m not sure why everyone uses these for their Christmas songs, but it works) it is pretty well-produced if anything, and I’m not going to say it isn’t catchy (and that’s it’s only real purpose). I’ve actually never heard this one in full before, so I was surprised that this wasn’t mediocre, but it’s not great either. I appreciate it though, we need some newer Christmas staples.

#22 – “Step into Christmas” – Elton John

This song makes me feel like I’m on a whole lot of drugs. Yeah, to put it bluntly, but disregarding how much I love that guitar riff a lot, and the steadier beat, as well as how well-written it is, there’s so many repetitions of that one hook that it just gets to me and almost hypnotises me. I know how Christmas songs are kind of supposed to work like that, but this one is nearly five minutes, and although there’s definitely enough change for it to stay appealing and have the necessary breaks in the joy, it feels like it never stops. It’s just a neverending slog of a really good song being ruined by playing it four times in a row. This song needed to be two minutes and 28 seconds, but it might as well be three times that, because it’s mind-numbing. Like, seriously, Elton, shut up. Look, we get it, the admission’s free, that’s cool, but your Christmas song you’re welcoming me into feels way too much like Paul McCartney’s for me to have any fun. Seriously, have you heard “Wonderful Christmastime”? It’s the same concept, except the song that is being repeated ad infinitum isn’t a good song to begin with. The method clearly works though, because it initially peaked at #24 in 1973 and had a new peak last year at #11. Now, before the conclusion, what’s happened to the rest of the Christmas songs not in the top 10?

Christmas Climbers

“Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande is up five spaces to #30, with “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” reaching #26 after a 13-spot increase. Similarly at #21, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens has increased by 15 spaces. In the top 20, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas” by Michael Bublé is up 14 to #16, right next to “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid up 11 to #15. I’m not entirely sure if we’re counting Dalton Harris’ cover of “The Power of Love” featuring James Arthur as a Christmas song, but in that case, it collapsed by 15 positions to #19.

Christmas Conclusions

There wasn’t anything really bad here, but Worst of the Week goes to Elton John for “Step into Christmas”, with Dishonourable Mention not being given at all – again, nothing is all that bad. I guess Honourable Mention can’t be given either hence Best of the Week goes to Wizzard for “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday”. Now, let’s return to the “normal” half of the charts:

Top 10

Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” is still at #1 without seemingly any competition other than a 1990s Christmas song by Mariah Carey. Yeah, I’d hate this to be the Christmas number-one because I honestly don’t think songs without any relation to the holiday get that. Heck, even “Perfect” last year by Ed Sheeran had a video about the holidays.

Also not moving this week is “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max at the runner-up spot.

Honestly, this top three seems too stable for Mariah Carey or Wham! to break into it. “Without Me” by Halsey is also not moving at all at number-three.

“Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus jumps up six spaces to number-four.

Of course, at the tail-end of the top five, up one space from last week, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey. I do want to add that this a top five without any credited male vocalists. Yeah, Mark Ronson is credited as a primary artist because he produced the track, but males produced every song here, it’s just good to see a top five full of pop girls this year.

Down one position from last week is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne at number-six.

Up seven spaces is “Last Christmas” by Wham! at number-seven – I guess this COULD make a play at number-one, but I doubt it’ll have a bigger peak than last year considering the death of George Michael was two years ago at this point, and that’s the main reason for its spike in popularity last year.

“Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down a spot to number-eight this week.

Thanks to the release of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, the R&B tie-in single, “Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee, survives in the Christmas avalanche, with a seven-spot rise to number-nine.

Finally, to round off the top 10, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl is up eight positions from last week, now at #10.

Now, just like last week...

What Survived

Anything that has drops or climbs less than three spaces aren’t mentioned. Any new arrivals, Christmas songs or top 10 entries aren’t mentioned – but otherwise, this is quite literally the rest of the top 40. “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie is down three to #11, “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson has the same fate at #14, “Close to Me” by Ellie Goulding, Diplo and Swae Lee is up four to #17, “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez is down nine to #18, “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is down three to #20 (I’m surprised it’s still here), “Better” by Khalid is down three to #23, “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra is somehow up eight spaces to #25, whilst “A Million Dreams” by P!nk is down eight spaces to #27, “1999” by Charli XCX and Troye Sivan is down five to #29, “Polaroid” by Jonas Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella is down eight to #31, “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is down a surprising 12 spaces to #34, “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down six to #38 (although I feel this will rebound in January), “Shotgun” by George Ezra returns to #39 (did his album get discounted or something?) and finally, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish is also down 12 to #40. I’m surprised it’s lasted as long as it has.

What Suffered

“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo had its streaming cut I take it, as it has dropped out from #12 (just as I started to like this much more, unfortunately), while “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez is out from #27 (good riddance), “MAMA” by 6ix9ine featuring Kanye West and Nicki Minaj is out from #29, “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker is out again from #31, former #1 “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith is finally out from #38 and “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee and Maluma is out from #40 – probably because it wasn’t on the album. Speaking of...

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “whoa (mind in awe)” – XXXTENTACION

Yes, I’m disgusted by what I’ve heard of XXXTENTACION’s first ever posthumous album, SKINS. The song with Kanye and Travis Barker, “One Minute”, which they seem to be pushing as the second single, makes me want to throw up and “BAD!”, which we reviewed a few weeks back, is pathetic and lazy, but more importantly, unfinished. I know that even X, who is infamous for not developing his music, would add something to “BAD!”, for better or for worse. Honestly, I’ve been trying to escape the album to not fund and hence dignify what the label is doing, but I have to hear this one, so, sure, I’ll say, this seems at least promising. I like the little marimba line, I think it’s unique to hear in trap, but XXXTENTACION’s lyrics here aren’t exactly very memorable, mostly because he mumbles all of it, but mostly because he says “whoa” more times than I can count on one hand. The bass and trap skitter actually really works here, and to be honest, this beat, although barebones, is pretty damn good, although X trying to say something being “like whoa” is not as meaningful as he’s trying to play it, and honestly this song just doesn’t exist, does it? It’s nothingness. It’s mostly instrumental and I can barely hear the dude anyway. I can’t give this any title like Best or Worst of the Week because it’s our only new arrival this week, so it’s like a 4-5/10, to give you any idea of how much I like it.  

Conclusion

That was it, that’s our only new arrival. How anti-climactic. This won’t be the last time I see you, there’s a new REVIEWING THE CHARTS on the 23rd, but since I doubt anything Christmassy will really happen there, happy holidays, everyone. See ya next week!

[seewetter]

#Him (beating up Santa for money): I finally feel like I'm part of a community! Trans girls r so cool! Do you think I should transition too?#Her (also beating up Santa for money): Yeah! I can hook you up with some HRT! No problem!

Heartwarming Christmas movie: Femboy quits his soulless dead end job in an isolating unwalkable small town and returns home to the big city for the holidays. He falls for a tgirl pro domme who teaches him the meaning of satanism while introducing him to a client who may be Santa.

[nightpool]

#Him (beating up Santa for money): I finally feel like I'm part of a community! Trans girls r so cool! Do you think I should transition too?#Her (also beating up Santa for money): Yeah! I can hook you up with some HRT! No problem!

Heartwarming Christmas movie: Femboy quits his soulless dead end job in an isolating unwalkable small town and returns home to the big city for the holidays. He falls for a tgirl pro domme who teaches him the meaning of satanism while introducing him to a client who may be Santa.