#Hell isn't real but if it was it'd be an American game show

[foone]

In hell you're on wheel of fortune and you know the answer but every time you spin you hit lose a turn, but the other contestants keep shouting out letters that aren't in the puzzle so hope springs eternal

[northwest-cryptid]

Jumping off the anon from earlier: I don't think anyone likes the new world set and I've seen plenty or people call out the devs for it so your def not alone there. Also I thought the Ala mhigan gown was African American patterns, since that is what they take inspo from?

Also as a certified zenos simp he calls even himself savage and while I sympathize with you having it used against you I dont think its as deep as you're making it out to be, zenos is a villain of course he's going to say rude shit to the wol

Anyway I dont go here and I don't doubt you'd block me for this if I wasn't on anon and I don't feel like being attacked for an opinion. So ✌️

A. The fact "no one likes the New World Set" isn't good either, the thing I dislike about it is the headdress specifically. As I said the actual outfit itself feels very "Party City Native" but it's the headdress that's actually offensive. Everything else about it is fine, at least more or less.

B. "He's bad so he's gonna do bad things it's not that big of a deal" I'm gonna say it again, SAVAGE IS A SLUR THAT HAS BEEN USED AGAINST MY PEOPLE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS, DENIAL OF IT BEING A SLUR DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS OF A SLUR. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say people don't listen to Natives. I don't care if he's a bad person doing bad things you're REALLY missing the point, he's not real, someone at Square wrote that shit into the game thinking it's okay to use a slur and you are living proof that people do not care, congratulations you are part of the problem. Again people wouldn't be saying this shit "isn't that deep" if he used a different slur, you just don't think Native problems are worth worrying about unless they're cookie cutter shit like the New World Set which you still miss the point about.

C. You thinking the Ala Mhigan gown was African is exactly what I'm talking about, Natives aren't given any recognition when our culture is being stolen and profited from. I literally told you I'm Deer Clan Lakota and those very same patterns are on clothing passed down from my father's grandfather to him, and from him to me; patterns on clothes made by our people.

D. The entire ending of your message shows you don't know me but assume your opinion would upset me enough to block you rather than correct your misunderstandings, what do you take me for; some kind of savage? (See I can make that joke.) Ask yourself why you think I'd block you and ask yourself why you would be "attacked" for your opinion.

I genuinely do mean people like you when I say I wish people would listen to Native voices. A lot of people don't actually know squat about us, our culture, or our problems. Since you were so confident in making an assumption about me, allow me to do the same; you would not say these things about other minorities. Because you feel safe telling a Native that slurs that have been used against us aren't that deep, but you sure as hell wouldn't tell a Black person that the N word isn't a big deal, and before anyone says "well you can say one of them and not the other!" Yes I can, savage is our word, the N word is not. If I were Black it'd be the other way around for me.

People do not want to accept what we as Natives have to say unless we specifically say what you want to hear. This is specifically a big reason why most people don't know about our history, our culture, and our problems; it's not that we're not sharing them, it's not that we're not trying; it's that most people don't care enough about Natives and would rather get up in arms about FFXIV.

Do you realize how little I care about FFXIV?! There are Natives being raped, and murdered every day. The government has told us that if we cannot keep the blood of our people pure enough for them to consider us Native we won't be able to inherit our land and the American government will just take what little we have left because Native American people will no longer legally exist, our options are inbreeding or choosing to give up our very existence and we don't want to take either opinion.

And you want to argue with me about whether or not a slur is a slur because you're horny about a fictional video game character who says a slur.

I don't even have to say "people aren't listening to Natives when we try to tell you something is bad" because not only do people STILL think this is about FFXIV but people are willing to tell me it's "not as deep as you think it is" yeah alright cool thanks, let's not pay attention to the fact that it took until the 70s for Natives to be able to practice our culture and religion off the res, and even then where my father grew up, if a Native was off the res past 8 pm they would be violently beaten by cops. On my father's res the young men were taught how to survive in the white man's world of business while our young women were taught how to please the white men and not make them angry so they wouldn't be murdered or worse. Our culture was literally taught out of the youth because we are being forced to conform or die.

Let's ignore the decades of hate crimes committed upon my family alone, let's ignore every time I've heard the word savage while being beaten, mocked, and harassed. Classmates would try to hold me down and cut off my braid because they heard it would dishonor me. Classmates would grab me in the hallways and beat me, if I defended myself at all I'd put up with the parents of these kids screaming about how "this savage hurt my son" and when I'd explain I was just trying to get to class and was jumped by 3 kids with sharp objects even the principle would say I shouldn't have used force only to remark how he realizes "my people often don't handle conflict with words" so sure yeah, you can deny racism all you want.

Because it doesn't hurt you, and it's easier to look away and pretend this is all about some MMO than some actual real world problem that I was literally just saying the MMO exemplifies in its use of our culture and the use of a slur, and sure you can continue to defend it, to be mad about the wrong things because listening to Natives is hard.

But hey maybe it's just not as deep as I think it is, right? Perhaps all the racism and rape and murder and erasure of a whole people isn't that deep, because after all "savage" is just a word.

Look you're going to need to excuse me here, because yes I am upset; you have no idea what it's like to never be listened to when you try to explain racism and the problems your people are facing. Only for it to get some traction and then every inbox message I get completely misses the point, okay fair I'll explain things, no one has been offensively misguided until now; but to get this in my inbox first thing in the morning is like waking up to someone saying "no one cares about Native shit, shut up it's not that deep" and then ending it with the most passive aggressive "you're just gonna block me anyways and I don't want to be attacked for my opinion so ✌️" that tells me your not listening, you don't care to listen, you didn't want to learn you just want me to shut up.

This whole answer isn't for the Anon who sent me this message. This answer is for you, the individual who's actually taking the time to read it, because I do appreciate that you're actually reading what I have to say, even if it's easier to say it's not that deep; even if it's easier to look the other way and pretend we don't exist. I say these things in hopes my message reaches you and that you are aware of the kind of shit we deal with. I want for a world where the needs, concerns, and racism against my people receive the same coverage and care that other minorities get. We're being ignored, we're being intentionally forgotten, swept under the rug by anons like this who can't accept that our problems are real.

Do not be that person. Be better.

[unsteddie]

@dame-zoom-a-lot asked fun questions so let me give you a short run down

So both Dustin and Lucas seem like they'd be into wrestling to me, I think Dustin would find a local league and badger Steve about it.

It'd be so cool, Steve's like the most athletic guy he knows, he'd have so much fun! Steve, who hasn't been involved in organized sports for like a year now is seriously considering it. When Dustin explains the concept of face vs. heel I think that would sell him.

Steve's pretty, has boy next door charm, and has that all American feel. He's confident he can be a face character. So he tries out, flashes charming smiles and tosses his hair. And yeah, of course he's a face.

It's great for a few weeks, he's having so much fun. He's a little more on the slim side compared to some of these guys, but he modified his work outs and has already seen a difference. He thinks in a few months he'll be pretty squared off and look just as intimidating. He knows how to take a hit and fall and roll pretty well, it's something he learned from his brief stint in football back in middle school.

Dustin and Lucas are there basically every weekend when they do a show, the others make appearances from time to time, and while the shows aren't crawling with babes, Steve's been doing ok in the lady department. He's on a roll.

But Dustin can't leave well enough alone and apparently has also been talking all this up to Eddie. The way Steve's stomach dropped when Munson rolled in talking to one of the organizers was enough to throw him off his game, and he got slammed to the ground for real. He was supposed to dodge and roll but he missed his cue. Que tingling embarrassment when Eddie's eyes roll over him while he's trying to get his breath back.

Of course Eddie joins, and of course he's a heel. They've been billing Steve as an all American hero type (pretty boy hulk Hogan vibes for those of you who know), and they didn't have a great match for him in their line up. Enter Kas the bloody handed (don't fucking look at me), Eddie's satanic, scourge of small town america, and all around heathen character. He is, in the owners words, the perfect heel for Steve.

He paints his hands dark red, and one of his friends is always around to paint a pentagram on his back. It drives Steve up a wall. He just runs around the ring hissing at the audience and teasing Steve. Even at practice he's always teasing Steve.

If Steve thought he wasn't quite physically up to par with the other wrestlers, Eddie isn't even in the running. Sure he's got muscle but it's all long and lean, half the time he looks like someone let a stray cat in the gym.

He's fast, and can twist out of any hold Steve tries on him, even when he's not supposed to. He is ALWAYS doing something he's not supposed to. Including egging the crowd on when he's running Steve ragged during a match that was supposed to a straight forward win for Steve (I'll figure out a wrester name for him at some point, trying to avoid anything with the word king lol)

And as if Steve didn't already hear enough about Eddie from Dustin, now Dustin has questions and theories about their moves and storylines.

Basically Steve's in hell and Eddie's having a ball bothering the hell out of him.

One of these days I'm gonna actually sit down and write out something about my steddie pro wrestling au. We'll not PRO, amature wrestling au??

Anyways it's assholes to lovers basically.

[officialgritty]

How I Would Humble NHL Players

An essay written by bigboigritty. 

I would humble hockey players the only way I know how to, by sending them to Australia. Let’s suppose that they have decided to hold the All Star game over here (forget about it’s usual date) (forget that some players I have listed below might not be invited) (and while you're at it, please forget that Australia’s rinks are Not Good).

I think that they would suffer but in an entertaining way so it’s fine. 

First of all, their biggest concern is getting sunburnt. It would effect all of their dumb asses but I’m particularly worried about Pierre-Luc Dubois and Mitch Marner. Boys are practically translucent. Vince Dunn would be fine, he’d probably wear a shirt most of the time which is a very smart decision. 

You may wonder why I didn’t mention Nolan Patrick because I am a certified slut for him, well I don't think he would have a problem. He would spend most of the time inside and when he joins the others, I think his Virgo ass would reapply sunscreen. Maybe he would burn slightly but I don't think it'd be enough to make him uncomfortable. 

Another thing that I think they will gain from this experience is a higher pain tolerance. Now you’re probably thinking, “Zoe they are NHL players so they can handle pain.” Wrong.

Real pain is running barefoot on cement at theme parks while you race to get to the next ride. Also getting into the car and having to avoid touching every piece of metal to not get branded like a cow. Or better yet, when the heat gets so bad that there’s a black out because everyone has their air conditioning turned on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that other countries have scary animals but I would pay to see them panic over ours. Crocodiles here can grow up to 5.2 metres / 17 feet. We have a box jellyfish season where it’s advised to avoid swimming or wear wetsuits for coverage. Funnel web spiders can survive underwater for hours by trapping air bubbles around their skin. We have several of the worlds deadliest snakes present across the country. 

Listen, I don't want anyone to get injured but the constant fear that they would have when doing anything would be enough to make me happy.

My biggest question is who would survive in the shady areas, who would survive the eshays?

Under no circumstances can you look them in the eyes or cross their path. They are not to be feared individually but in groups caution is advised. I think the players would attempt to assert dominance and that is simply not an option. You are better off to ignore the eshay.

Nolan would have no issues here if im being honest. He is big and I don't think they’d find it worth it to fuck with him. But you know who they would target? Matthew Tkachuk. “Where are you going pretty boy?” “Oi braa did we hurt your feelings ya pussy cunt?” They would make fun of his hair in particular. 

Travis Konecny would be an eshay. I don't think I need to make further comment. (So would Louis Tomlinson but I am not a 1D account and I will continue to repeat that until it’s true.)

I would also give them a few iconic tasks to get the true Australian experience. Activities for the ‘vacation’ include triathlon events, beach flags, bush walking and climbing the harbour bridge. They could attend a cricket match but they tend to like golf so unfortunately they would probably enjoy this :(

AFL is an extremely popular sport here and I think they would loose their shit when they learn the rules of this game. No protective equipment is used other than mouthguards, that's it. That’s all you get. And jumping onto other players for leverage is encouraged. I would thoroughly enjoy the fights that would break out because of this.

Another task would be to use a map to make their way to a servo for a slurpee. The catch is that they will be required to pass through multiple alleyways. Also, the season is Spring, it’s swooping season mother fuckers. Let’s see how brave you are when birds chase you down the block. Personally I don’t think any of them would pass this test, maybe McDavid because the birds may not be able to detect a heartbeat.

Australian food would disgust them, I just know it. Things that they would need to try are a Bunnings sausage sanga, fairy bread, lamingtons, baked beans on toast, Milo and Vegemite. Because I’m me I would give them no butter with their Vegemite. 

An after thought I had was money so I’m editing this to include it. Everything here is EXPENSIVE so they would need to learn how to budget. Upon doing research, Canadians would be fine but the Americans will be mad.

1000 CAD = 1019 AUD

1000 USD = 1297 AUD

Another after thought was the fact that they won’t be able to drive (or at least drive well) here. We drive on the left and not the right, same goes for walking paths too. I can sense a lot of them bumping into people.

Where I think players would live based on vibes alone:

Carter Hart and Vince Dunn: North Shore Beaches, NSW. Daddy’s money. Carter probably did Nippers whereas Vince was a skater boy. 

Travis Konecny: Darwin, NT. Would 100% live there and enjoy it. He would try to conduct crocodile tours but gets assigned to feeding the baby crocs and doing shows for little kids. 

Tyson Barrie: Perisher, NSW. One of the only ski resorts we have to offer, major friendly mountain man energy.

Nolan Patrick: Byron Bay, NSW. @antoineroussel enlightened me, steering away from my original thought of Katoomba, NSW. Byron Bay is a magnet for hippies and links rainforest to the ocean. Chris Hemsworth and his family also live there.

William Nylander: Perth, WA. I don’t know much about Perth other than they wouldn’t shut up about partying while the other states had to quarantine. For some reason, I also associate Perth with Tik Tok. 

Sidney Crosby and Connor McDavid: Melbourne CBD, VIC. These two would live in the same apartment building in the city, Connor one level above Sidney. It’s the most boring looking block of them all and Crosby would send in complaints to the landlord about McDavid pacing during the night.

Tyler Seguin: Surfers Paradise, QLD. Party central, not many people are actually from this area and he would be sure to tell absolutely everyone that he was. I also think he would get a Meter Maid tattoo, specifically on his leg. Has definitely slept on the beach before because he couldn’t find his way home.

Jamie Benn: Hobart, TAS. Tasmania is usually forgotten about. Another one with mountain man energy except he is more creepy than friendly.

Mitch Marner: Fitzroy, VIC. @antoineroussel is responsible for this one too. Hipster central, makes you question how the hell someone so young can have so much money. Would chug $45 wine and not blink an eye.

(honourable mentions include = Sammy Blais: Hobart, Tas. Once again no comment on Tasmania. TJ Oshie: Cairns, QLD. Would do reef tours. Haydn Fleury: Western Sydney, NSW. Haydn would 100% own a ute or a white holden commodore and you can’t tell me otherwise. Roman Josi: Adelaide, SA. Small town history teacher vibes.)

I have attached a handy map for those who may need it.

In conclusion, the NHL should send their players over here to teach them some manners and while they’re at it, management should bring themselves too. Nolan Patrick could pass as an Australian if he built up a tan. (So does Nylander in this picture but we won’t talk about that.) Come over anytime baby, I’m free. 

Glossary

Servo - A service station, also known as a petrol or gas station. Example: 7/11

Theme park - An amusement park. Can be said in reference to both normal parks and water parks and usually means those in QLD. Example: Six Flags

Swooping season - August to October in Australia. When birds attack and chase humans and / or pets for getting close to their babies. Magpies are notoriously bad for this. 

Bunnings sausage sanga - A cheap feed / meal found at the front of a hardware and gardening store called Bunnings. Made up of white bread, sausage, onion and your choice of sauce.

Fairy bread - White bread with margarine and topped with 100s and 1000s / sprinkles. 

Meter Maids - Women who work along the beach dressed in gold bikinis. They top up parking meters to save tourists from getting fined and will often stop for photos. 

Nippers - Surf lifesaving programs carried out for children between 5 and 14. 

Ute - A pick up truck.

Eshay - A person who partakes in drug use, graffiti, listens to EDM and targets victims in groups. Below is the typical style of an eshay. 

Tagging a few friends so this doesn’t completely flop but feel free to ignore if it isn't your thing. I won’t be offended lmao

@scheifefe @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself @d00dlebob @bowenbyram @kempe @prettyboyroope @quintonsbyfield @travisgermy @pitoftrash @kspitehockey @ballsakic @canadianheaters @bricksatlandyswindow @powerblais @brokeninsidebutnobodyknows @jamiedrysdales