#He's a freakin' poet now-no kidding!

[nightrae13]

A random screenshot from Chapter 1 of the (translated) MochiAka novel 2 bc Mocchi is so precious, he's taking his screenwriting talent to the exteremes:

Here's him being embarassed becaused his poetic thoughts were captured in Akari's perfect drawing through his intense stare at her that time lol. He's so precious!!

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S2 Ep 31: You Can’t Spell Marriage Without Mai

First off, when I got to this episode, I turned to my bro and said “WHAT” and he said “Right? This episode is the best. It’s all down from here” and I was like “YOU SAID THAT TWO EPISODES AGO” so now I know Bro can never be trusted.

If you had told me the plot of this episode before I watched it, I’d say “no, that is Mario Party Fanfiction, and you’ve changed all the names.” That is where this episode went.

Does Mario Party Fanfic exist? Quick Google search, one moment. Dear Lord. OK, I’m back.

Now guys I want you to know that every time a ship comes up in Yugioh, I write like...10k words about it, math equations appearing around my head, as I try to figure out what the freakin hell anyone is even doing and if the writers even know what they’re doing, and I’ll just promptly delete it. I just want you to know the service I do for you. Every time it comes up I start ranting about what the hell an ancient Egyptian would even understand about modern romance and then I stop myself and go “No! Focus!” and I’ll Ctrl-A and I’ll just *delete* and feel a burden lift off my shoulders and into the ceiling like a prayer.

And then this episode happened?

And I’m just like...

...

well I TRIED to spare you.

Please admire how many people they stuffed into Mai’s very small convertible. I half expected them to drive up to Kiki’s Delivery Service.

In case you’ve also forgotten something that happened 40 episodes ago, Mai saved Joey last season by giving him a McGuffin as well as a gross ass handkerchief (which he doesn’t have anymore, the whole 'will they ever return the gross ass handkerchief’ plotline seems to have left the building) and finally, here, halfway through S2 we’re going to actually address why Mai would have any compassion for this bundle of awful kids.

I mean, Joey is still in high school and Mai is like 24 (although some say 44???) so I’m pretty sure they were trying to make it seem platonic or motherly between these two but eh, I don’t even know with this show, man. I mean she and Joey are 8 years apart but Serenity is 4 years Tristan’s junior despite Mokuba being 1 year younger than her and like right there. (Mokuba’s like 12 by the way, something surprising I found out when I did a Google Deep Dive on everyone’s canonical weight a few episodes ago.) And then Pharaoh is like either 5000 or 16-ish depending on who’s asking, so age doesn’t seem to be ever an inhibiting factor in this show.

But as is Yugioh tradition, any space that could possibly be filled with any growth between a boy and a girl--even platonically--must be absolutely derailed by something exploding.

(read more under the cut)

Stepping out from inside of this limousine is a man who wears sunglasses at night, and so at first I thought “oh hell it’s Pegasus’ security, he’s back” But he’s...he’s not. I really, really wish it were.

Joey literally wiped his hand off on the ass of his jeans before trying to shake the hand of this guy he has never mentioned before in his life but swears is his favorite person in the world.

Jean wisely left him hanging.

Joey is SO ready to see a ship in this show actually do something. So ready, that he is willing to accept Mai and this rando we’ve never seen before as canon, despite the fact I’m pretty sure a chunk of last season was trying (rather unsuccessfully) to pair him up with Mai?

It’s not where I expected this episode to go! I really thought we were going to go and play a tourney? We were meeting up with Kaiba at a stadium one block away - he’s just sitting there on his big ass dragon shaped chair and like “omg the moment I walk away they get completely distracted, every single time.”

Anyways, lets get to a flashback where very fancy people in pastel suits were playing cards because apparently cards isn’t just for streetfighting.

I have been wading through 1.5 seasons of these characters doing these elaborate dances around each other to never ever speak a word of commitment or relationship, and I’ve been pretty OK with them doing that. Honestly, the less romance in my Yugioh, the more satisfied I am, but then, after 1.5 seasons of basically nothing but Serenity wearing some bandages and needing a lift from the hospital, suddenly we have this random guy show up and profess marriage, and it is the most whiplash this show has ever given me.

I will accept demonic weird ass devices threatening children, spooky magic, bad history, and all sorts of weird ass outfits but like marraige???? wtf?????

Which is something that Mai seems to know because she turned him right down as you should when a person you’ve never met before decides to marry you based on your ability to coordinate cards in a deck.

Joey honestly thinks being a rich star will automatically make you marriageable material, because I guess Joey completely forgot about Seto Kaiba, a very famous billionaire who is maybe one of the least marriageable people on the planet.

So what gets me about this episode and what makes it so freakin weird is that everyone here accepts this as the rules from this point on.

She MUST be married if Mai enters and then loses this game. Welcome to the Yugioh universe. This is how card people dating works. This is law, she has to accept this proposal if this card game based on chance loses.

Anyways, Yugi’s here to be the voice of reason in a dating episode and that’s something I didn’t expect to write in a sentence.

Yes, his motive was “Mai, this will take too long” not “Mai, you don’t know this guy, and he’s probably crazy” it was “Mai please, I know the world will end when I enter this tourney and so you have nothing to lose and it’s the best time to marry a stranger actually, but can you not? It’s taking SO LONG.”

Duke Devlin in the back still trying helplessly to keep up with what the hell is going on since he wandered on this team by complete accident four episodes ago.

And yes, it’s THIS that makes Joey not like this guy. Not the part where he proposed out of the blue, nearly ran over them with his car, stalked Mai for like a year, and then completely disregarded Mai’s common sense. No--this part, where he threatened to kick Mai out of the competition. That was the low blow to Joey.

You will lose this duel and gain a husband.

That is an actual line from the show, folks, this show went places.

aaaaand Mai starts losing right away.

DAMN

IT.

This is the one thing I thought was pretty much in the bag. That there would not be the concept of one of these characters getting married. That was the One thing I was sure of. But I was not only wrong, but this is like the most bizarre wedding I’ve ever seen on TV. It’s basically a shotgun wedding but with cards???

And what makes this more bizarre, and it was something I only noticed after watching this episode, is that we’ve seen this type of behavior before. But at the time, back in the beginning of this season I was just like “that was just a really weird thing that happened that wouldn’t possibly be accepted as normalized in this universe.”

Like, remember that creepy DDR guy who dueled Yugi so that if he beat Yugi in a match, that creepy guy would become Tea’s boyfriend despite never spending more than 2 minutes with either of them? That despite the fact that Yugi isn’t even her boyfriend, it was like something all three of them were like “I guess I have to go through with this now.” At the time I just assumed that was an insane thing that happened. I just assumed that would never come back.

This was the episode where suddenly I realized, maybe the big issue with these kids dating is a hell of a lot more than just actually going on dates. Maybe it’s because I didn’t understand what their love language is. It’s not Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and for sure as hell isn’t Physical Touch, it’s the 6th, not very often talked about love language, that’s right, it’s Cards. Rewrite everything, Gary Chapman. Tear it all down and reshoot all those Ted Talks, we forgot something.

Like, sometimes I forget that these guys live in a universe controlled by cards. I mean we’ve seen cards and romance intermingle twice. (three times, if you count Rebecca, who might be engaged to Yugi now? It was kind of a really weird ending to a card game) Pegasus even tried to resurrect his dead wife through cards. All these cards currently exist because of Pegasus’ undying love for Cecilia (who is...OMG I forgot that chick might be alive somewhere)

What I’m saying is that...What if this is how they’ve actually dated this whole time? What if this whole time that I assumed no one was dating they......they actually...were? What if I just didn’t notice, because it was just so freakin weird? What if this is more like how in a Jane Austen novel, if someone goes on a walk with someone else it’s basically like 3rd base?

Like, remember Jane Austen’s Persuasion, where Captain Wentworth went on a walk with Louisa and she was like “hey catch me, I’m 14 years old!” and then she tripped off a wall and got a concussion and he was like “DAMN IT! Now I have to marry her!” and everyone was like “Well congrats on getting married, Louisa.” and then she fell in love with a sad poet who gave her soup once while Captain Wentworth was getting his nuptials planned out in Bath and so Louisa dumped Captain Wentworth’s sorry ass and he was like “OH THANK YOU. YOU ARE SO 14.” And then sad soup man showed up in Bath while Wentworth and the rest of Louisa’s family was quickly crossing out “Wentworth” on all the marriage invitations and sad soup man was like “Before Louisa, I was in love with this other chick, but she died, so I’m pretty stoked I found Louisa.” and Captain Wentworth was like “You’re such an asshole for cheating on your dead girlfriend, I would never do that, you ass!” and then immediately married Anne Wentworth by writing her one single letter saying “hey, want to get married Y/N?” despite the fact that he went well out of his way to avoid her the entire book?

What if that’s been going on in the background of Yugioh but I just didn’t know because, unlike Persuasion, I never took a college class on Yugioh Dating Customs so I have no idea when it ever happens.?

See, this is the stuff I usually delete but like psh whatever, it’s a dating episode, so for once this isn’t a tangent, and yes, I am reading too much into this, thank you.

Anyway, after Joey asks Yugi what to do and then telephones what Yugi just told him to Mai enough times, Mai beats Jean Claud Magnum and avoids a lifetime of...whatever that would have been like.

However, something is off about that game and it takes a card wizard to explain it to us although it was...........really obvious.

This is the third time someone on this show was abducted by a ninja net.

She gets kidnapped by a guy in a ninja jet suit contraption and this is her reaction!? Freakin lucid dream what the hell?

This is the weirdest show I’ve ever watched. Not so much because it has stuff other shows don’t have, but because it forces me to have these expectations of what I think it is and then, once I get comfortable, completely changes it. Last episode Bakura murdered 3 established characters in a graveyard. Like, not even random people, Bakura murdered 3 named people with funny accents we’ve known since last season. That was already completely insane for a kid’s show to do. But rather than address whatever the hell is going on with Bakura, we’re just going to add more to the pot and throw in this crazy asshole, too. For kicks.

Like this is a filler episode somehow? This filler episode would be an entire season of any other kid’s show.

So this episode ends with Mai hanging from a flag pole in a miniskirt, but it’s not like anyone in this city would ever peek their nose out of their window to see what the hell is going on, so at least she doesn’t have to worry about upskirting an entire town. Just these two people.

And like, Joey’s such a mess in that head anyway that like who freakin cares? He’ll probably wake up tomorrow without any memory of yesterday thanks to possession, drowning, getting beat up, tied up, and then this oncoming concussion.

I’m pretty sure she should have stabbed him right through with this duel disk?

(the dialogue really does imply that if he had done this himself she would have been cool with it. How freakin weird is Mai?)

And then he just lets her go? Makes you wonder if it was an abduction or just a game he thought she would enjoy? I don’t know. This episode was all over the place. I mean...maybe he really thought she’d like getting caught in a net and being flown all around Domino? I don’t freakin know.

Like, in my opinion she was stalked for over a year and abducted with several witnesses. But, no one is calling the cops. So like...was this weird to them? This was very weird to us...but like...maybe Mai was like “hm, that was a so-so date.” because this type of behavior is just how this universe does?

....

....

Yugioh, are you OK?

Anyways, next week:

Is the tourney cancelled because after episodes and episodes of tangents, no one ever freakin shows up and Kaiba has to go back to school to do a Chem final? Does Duke Devlin ever even do anything? Does it take 20 minutes for Bakura to walk through security because he keeps setting off the metal detector with his invisible necklace that he can never take off?

[notsugarandspice]

More Fic Recs! ♡

these are mostly WIPs that I love so so much (and some completed works that I forgot to mention in my previous rec). I don’t rec any of the ‘popular’ stuff because it’s, well...popular :D these are just my personal favs, but I’m probably forgetting many soooo

Running up that hill by @speakslowtellmelove (speakslow on AO3)

Summary: The Dead Poet's Society inspired AU that one person asked for :) --> I love this one so so so much. it makes me reminisce about boarding school and that whole crushy feeling, all the sneaking out and awkwardly making new friends. I love everything about it. y’all better read the shit out of it. my internet wife wrote it, and she’s good at everything. (6/?)

bring him home by @reddhie (fireyicegirl on AO3)

Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak was sent to a gay conversion camp by his mother after discovering that Eddie was gay. Now, he has finally returned to Derry, returned to his friends. See through his friend’s eyes as they watch him struggle to accept himself once more, and as they attempt to help him heal. --> such a good story about the struggles of sexuality and parental abuse. I just love the angst in this one and Reddie history is so freakin’ good. I can’t wait for more chapters. (5/?)

You get a lifetime by @tinyarmedtrex (same on AO3)

Summary: Richie meets Eddie and feels a spark. And he's pretty sure Eddie feels it too. Only one problem, Eddie is married. What? --> I remember this is one of the first Amelia’s fics I ever read and I fell in love with it HARD. it’s so well-written, and the story is so captivating. I LOVE it!! just go readddd. who doesn’t like a story where two lovers can’t be together?? (9/9)

scatterheart by sadclown (on AO3)

Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak and his mother move to Derry, Maine for a fresh start. The fresh start happens to include a neighbor with the name of Richie Tozier. --> an extremely adorable meet-cute fic with beautiful friendships and a crazy amount of fluff. just read this, and it will make your whole week, promise. (4/?)

A Memory of Love by @stellarbisexual (same on AO3)

Summary: Richie and Eddie, who haven't seen each other since they were kids, get cast as the lead couple in an indie film. --> this one is absolutely fantastic and original and so freakin’ interesting because acting is my life and this fic is my life source OKAY?? the sexual tension is stifling btw, just a fair warning. (4/?)

The power of imagination by typicallyatypical (on AO3)

Summary: aka a fic where Eddie is a grad student, and Richie was an undergrad who worked in the same research lab as him. At the time it would have been against school policy for them to date. But, two months after Richie graduates, they run into each other in a bookstore. --> LISTEN, this one is so great, the age difference, the tension, the flirting, the bookstore vibes. GOD. it’s amazing go readdd. (4/?)

A Constant Game of Falling Short by @hanscom (inoubliable (hanscom) on AO3)

Summary: Eddie likes to fix people. Richie, surprisingly, doesn't need to be fixed. --> I just read this today, and it was so good, the characterization was grade A, and it’s just plain enjoyable to read such amazing writing. read it! (1/1)

Man in Motion by @skeletonscribbles (strictlyamess on AO3)

Summary: a post-grad, inspired by St. Elmo's Fire love song to the Losers. --> I hate yet to leave Sara a lengthy comment of pure obsession over this fic, but it’s absolute FANTASY. I’ve never seen St. Elmo’s Fire but I absolutely loved it, and it leaves you with that odd feeling of saying goodbye to something that feels like home, and it’s magic ok??? just fucking read it, man (1/1)

[matchstickforyourmuse]

Could you write some prompts of a guy realizing he’s in love and asking his best friend for help, since he’s never been in love before?

Absolutely, dearest Anonymous! Thank you so much for asking! I’m so, so sorry about how long it took for me to post this. Things are hectic sometimes.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I enjoyed writing them. As always, you’re more than welcome to switch any pronouns about to suit your whims. Little disclaimer: Any names used do not pertain to any person or character alive or dead. Do (or do away) with them as you please.

Another quick note: Some of them are ridiculously long. I apologize. I got a bit carried away. Also, if you want more, please ask!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- - - “Listen. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He stared hard at his friend, who didn’t seem to be paying much attention. (But perhaps it was better that way. He still wasn’t even sure if he wanted to think about this, let alone discuss it.) “I….I don’t know what I’m doing, and I need your help. I need….I need advice.”

“On what? Sorry, I didn’t catch that first bit.” His friend took out one of his earbuds, and quirked an eyebrow. “What are you doing that needs my help? If this is one of those DIY things, I told you I’m no good at workshop stuff. Go ask Nance, she’s a gearhead.”

“No, ah-….No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” He gnawed on his lip for a moment, quite seriously wondering if he should just drop the subject altogether. “Isn’t about workshop stuff. It’s…. It’s about….Uh. You have a girlfriend, don’t you? And you’re happy?”

“Mhm.”

“I need to know how you guys….Started. Y'know. Started….Started going out. How you knew that you….Uh….Gosh, help me out here, man. How you knew you, were, like, starting.“

“…Starting? Started what? You mean how we started dating?”

��No. No. Uh, started….Liking eachother. But not liking. Like-like liking.”

“…You alright, man?”

- - - “Gran,” He acknowledged, smiling as the old woman strolled into the room with a platter full of tea and shortbread cookies. “So, uh….” He took his cup with a grateful nod before continuing. “I’m really glad I could come and visit you. It’s been so long.”

“Oh, cut to the chase,” his grandmother snorted, before taking a long drink. “You live right across the street. It’s not like we couldn’t have texted.”

He tittered, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, uh….There’s….There’s this lass. Met her at uni last year, just before graduation.”

“Oh my stars, is that a blush I see? I suppose we’re going to be here a while. Might as well put on another kett-”

“Gran. Gran, this is….I just need some advice. I’ve….How do I say this? This isn’t just some passing fancy. I think I’m in love.”

“All the reason for more tea.”

- - - “She ain’t for you,” he barked. “She ain’t your type. I’m tellin’ ya.”

“No, no, I’m tellin’ you. She is. I feel it. But I don’t know how I’m feelin’ it. You get me?”

“Loud and clear, brother. But what you’re feelin’ ain’t love.”

“It isn’t? It….What do you mean? It’s gotta be.”

“What you’re feelin’ is stupidity.”

- - - Sincerely, me. Hah hah….P.S., you took psychology once, right? How would you diagnose love?

Would that sound stupid? It probably would if they were talking in person. But they weren’t. So maybe it was actually sort of funny…? Ugh. Who was he kidding? He moved to scribble out the last line, but stopped himself. His mind was so frazzled. He just needed to talk to someone about this. Someone that knew him. He cursed under his breath. Why did they have to be so far away? Why the heck did they have to live in the middle of nowhere? He was going mad. He needed to talk to them.

- - - “You’re a poet,” He declared, rubbing his temples. “You’re supposed to know all about this stuff.”

“I write haikus, not odes. It’s not my fault you went and fell. Stop beating me up over this! You’re acting like a child. You want me to define love? I’ll just record your babblings the next time you happen to talk with them. Then I’ll replay it over, and over, and over again until you realize that you’ve already defined it. Stop freakin’ asking me to help you, and just go do something about it.”

- - - “I just don’t get it.” He sighed and began fidgeting with the hems of his sleeves. “She’s not pretty. But I love her.”

The boy’s father chuckled, looking at him from beneath the brim of his wide hat. “Oh? Not pretty? Shoot, boy. Maybe one of the horses kicked you in the head without you realizin’.”

“No, they didn’t. I swear,” his son insisted, not quite catching the joke.

“Love’s a strong word.”

“I dunno what else to call it, papa. What do I do? Do I….Do I marry her now?”

He wasn’t sure why his father started chuckling. This was a very serious matter, wasn’t it?

- - - She grimaced. “Stop giving me that look.”

“What look?”

“That stupid you-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about look. Just….Stop.”

“I’m not giving you that look. I’m giving you the I-have-absolutely-no-idea-what’s-happening-and-frankly-I’m-quite-petrified look.”

“Pah. It can’t be that bad. Listen, all you have to do is-”

“It’s bad, Mills. It’s real bad.”

- - - For the whole period, the two exchanged notes underneath the table. For the most part, they were in near-undecipherable chicken scratch. (Something that they had perfected in order to avoid the prying eyes of their teacher.) But they still understood the basic concepts of what the other was saying. It went something along these lines:

Dude help

I’m not helping you cheat on the test you idiot

No, not on the test, I need help with Jean

I’m not lending you my pants

DUDE you know what I meant

Why do you even flipping like them?

No, I don’t just like them

Don’t get angsty on me dude

This is serious, I’m going to have a mental breakdown if you don’t tell me what to freakin do

Dude that’s one of the things about having someone else. I can’t tell you what to do.

- - - “So what do you do if you’re in love?”

“Pardon?”

“You heard me, boss. What do you do if you’re in love? Is it the same thing as having a crush? Flowers and chocolates and little cheesy couplets on their desk or something?”

“Well….Uh….I…I don’t exactly know. I just….Uh, I guess? Maybe throw in a surprise visit or something?”

“…You’re as confused as I am on this, aren’t you?”

- - - He continued mopping the floor, but with every stroke, drew closer to his friend, whom of which was polishing the window. “So, uh, hey.”

“Hey.”

“You know the patient in room 573?“

“Yeah?”

“How strictly are our no-intimacy-between-patient-and-staff-member rules?”

“Dude….”

- - - ”….And with the Holidays right around the corner, I thought I’d ask ‘em out so they can meet my parents before all the craziness starts up again. Whatd'y'a think?“

“Listen, uh….What you’re planning is beyond sweet, mate. But you’re getting…ahead of yourself. You know what I mean? You shouldn’t just throw yourself at….Ugh, for goodness’ sakes. Do they even know your name?”

“No….But that’s besides the point. I know what this is now. You told me yourself. It’s love.”

- - - “….And then she said ‘I’d like to get to know you better.’ What kind of creepy line is that?”

“It’s not exactly….Creepy, per se, but it was definitely a line.”

“Oh gosh. She’s actually noticed me. I…don’t know about this. I love her. I really do. But….I just….I haven’t thought this all through. I was perfectly fine just admiring her from afar. But now she’s all in my face and now….Gosh, I love her even more. But I just….I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t even talk to someone without sounding like an idiot. How the HECK am I supposed to convince her I’m not some antisocial wackadoo?”

“Okay, first of all, you’re not antisocial, you’re asocial. And secondly, being asocial doesn’t make you a….Whatever the heck you just said. And thirdly, just….Just let it go. Don’t force anything. But don’t run away from it, either. This isn’t something to be scared of.”

[deadmantalking117]

SOME TIPS FOR THE FREQUENT FLYER

So you got yourself a brand new disease and you're wondering... Steve what should I be doing with this new and terrifying existence? Some person with a white coat is telling me that my whole life is going to change.. Probably for the worse. Should I be doing something more? Should I just lay in bed.. point my toes up and wait for the angels to come and claim me? Should I get a pedicure? Tell me what to do! Sorry.. I have no clue what you're supposed to do with your life! You certainly don't want life advice from me.. I'm a mess. But I have learned a few things in the past 35 years of dealing with this mess, that might give you some ideas! So throw a few of these up against the wall... see what sticks. I JUST GOT THE NEWS.. I HAVE A DISEASE. NOW WHAT? first thing is.. relax. Take a breath. I've said this before, but educate yourself. Try to get an idea of what is involved with your particular disease. Crohns. Cancer. Lupus. Heart Disease. Lung Disease. A.L.S. Arthritis. Multiple Sclerosis. I could keep going on for pages. But whatever is threatening your life or the quality of it... go on Facebook, join a support site. You'll be amazed how many others are right there with you! And all these groups have someone like me. Someone who's managed to cheat the reaper. Someone with years of experience that no doctor can give you. And they all want to help you. They've been right where you are. I don't really need support from others anymore.. It's my turn to be the support. And there are millions like me. Learn from them. Every disease has its own set of issues. Find out from people who've worked it out. Your doctor will give you all the information he has.. but he doesn't actually have this disease . Talk to someone who's actually been through it all before. And most importantly.. ASK! There's no stupid questions about your disease.. just stuff you don't know yet. Don't be embarrassed. I've said this before as well.. you're not as interesting as you think you are! All that humiliating poopy stuff I talk about.. that was hard learned information. You don't have to learn it the hard way. I've already made every mistake twice.. so you don't have to! SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY! Nows a good time to take an inventory of your life. Do a little navel gazing. When you get a diagnosis of a serious illness or you've been involved in a serious accident or some form of real bodily harm. Your life is going to change in ways you cant begin to imagine. Take these first days, weeks, months to think about the future. But while you are.. consider.. what do I really need? Not.. what do I want? But what are those things I have to have? Check out Maslows hierarchy of needs. (Google it) You need food, shelter, clothing, for sure. But you need hope, love, support as well. I'll bet you already have these things in abundance. See? Right off the bat.. you're way ahead of the game.. everything else is frosting on your cake. In my experience. Taking on too much is the path to madness. How many times have we planned and worked for some goal, only to have the legs cut out from under us because of my disease? And be clear, I'm not for a second saying don't make plans.. quite the opposite.. just factor in your disease and keep focused. Planning for the future is a necessity in life. Just be sure to take stock of what you have. SERIOUSLY KEEP IT SIMPLE I learned long ago that when you get sick or injured.. the amount of paperwork you'll deal with could fill a small forrest worth of trees.. in my case, a pretty good sized jungles worth. What to do with it all? I get a couple of those really nice file boxes they have at office supply stores. I write the year in big numbers across the front. Every piece of paperwork gets tossed in. Every reciept, utility bill, credit card statement, and all the doctors and government stuff. Everything goes in the box. If I need any of this information its in a small box. In 25 years of doing this.. I needed to search the box 1 time for a tax thing.. but there it was. I used to be more OCD about filing and organizing all my finances and medical information. But the fact is.. for all that effort. No one ever needed this info. After 5 years of sitting on a shelf.. burn the box!. Of course there are things that need to be specially kept.. your tax info. Current medical issues. But usually its the box. Do the same with everything in your home. Get rid of as much clutter as you can. I think it was Buddha who told us.. "You don't own possessions... they own you" you have enough to occupy your time now. Do you really want to spend any of it dusting? PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE! I know this has been said already. But try to keep your future in mind. Dont obsess and stress over every detail. Just the broad strokes. There's an old saying... "If you want to make God laugh.. tell him what you're doing tomorrow!" Your new disease will throw curveballs at you every day. Prepare to duck. STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES I hate that expression.. It's so hippy dippy and trite. But there's a core truth to it. You're life has suddenly and probably drastically changed. You're in pain and afraid. "Take a look around you, at least you got friends!" -Prince The little purple poet was right. If you're reading this.. you likely have all the basics already. And if for whatever reason you dont have anyone.. there are places to check out for that too. The internet is a vast array of groups with different interests. Find one that matches yours. Check out your local churches, mosques, synagogues, or social clubs. There are so many people out there looking for you.. now is a good time to go meet them. SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE... SHOW THEM THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL... again.. this is really sappy. But important. After you've taken stock of your life and your situation. Take time to really notice the people in your life. They're your greatest resource. Then let them KNOW how you feel! They love you and want the very best for you. Don't try to shoulder this weight alone.. it will crush you. It was very hard for me to ask for help.. the hardest thing in the world is to admit you need help, even from my wife or kids. But I did. The easiest part is letting them know how much you appreciate them. IMPROVISE - ADAPT - OVERCOME this is from an old Clint Eastwood movie called Heartbreak Ridge. We made it our family motto. It's great advice for anyone. But for you diseased maniacs.. It's should be your mantra. Situations are going to come at you SO FAST! your ability to deal with new realities will be one of the main things that influence your overall happiness and well being. You can't be rigid.. you gotta be very flexible. I'm freakin Gumby ! (Google it) My point is.. Adapt or Die! - Darwin I'm sure I'll have more sage words of wisdom.. but you get the idea. You're about to embark on a hero's journey through the United States healthcare system. For whatever reason, you or someone you love is busted up and likely to stay that way for a while. Take some time and learn how to cope with it. And like that old poster of the little kitten dangling from the branch always said HANG IN THERE! damn I'm old Be well my friends

[wingsporkhalo]

“Fate’s Flawed Design”: an old original story by MysticDelphox97-- Chapter 2

I know, I know, I should be putting up chapters 6 and 7 of Evva: Agent of Shield, but I didn’t want to put those up until I had more of it recorded. It is totally coming soon though.

Also, just as a note to everyone, starting May 8th, I’ll be taking some summer classes (three of them, although only one of them starts May 8th; the others start in June), so I may not post as much! Or who knows; maybe I’ll post MORE because I need the stress relief that only laughing at bad stories can provide. Either way, I hope you’ll be patient with me! C:

All right, let’s delve into Chapter 2 of “Fate’s Flawed Design,” otherwise known to @mysticdelphox97 and me as “The Cringe.” In this chapter, Remy writes a story even stupider than this one and spends entire paragraphs talking about how beautiful her dog’s eyes are, and also discusses Leaf’s “hoe-craving father.”

If you missed Chapter 1, it’s over here.

Fate’s Flawed Design

With me, disaster finds a play field. Love seems to draw dark twisted pleasure tearing at me, Cause I can't let you go. Mercy, like water in the desert, shines through my memory, like jewelry in the sun. Where are you now?

~Lyrics from Dreaming Wide Awake, by Poets of the Fall

Wing: those angsty lyrics doe

Mystic: they're in every. single. fucking. chapter

Chapter 2: Back Story

“Seriously? Leaf got jumpy like that on you?”

I nodded, looking at the laptop screen that portrayed Kyle and his room.

Wing: Portrayed It was just like, a fanart of it, I guess

We were currently chatting on VideLog 2.0, which is sort of like the Skype that people used when it came out in 2003, nearly 22 years ago.

Wing: Wait, this story is supposed to take place 25 (or so) years in the future?

Mystic: from the looks of it, apparently?

Wing: Come to think of it, I think you did give a year in the last chapter. But I didn't see any descriptions of new/invented technology, so I totally forgot.

I sat on my bed, resting against my pillows and the headboard. The Instant Messaging icon kept blinking, meaning someone was trying to contact me, but I ignored it. Right now I was in the middle of an important conversation with Kyle.

“The incident with the Populars shook her up. You know how they treat her,” I said.

Wing: Yeah, how dare they want to ask a question

“Yeah, no kidding. I saw what they did last year, when I had her in my class. God, it was terrible, I’m surprised they never got in trouble.”

“That’s because they had built a sympathy relationship with the teachers. I think the only teacher that cracked them was Mr. Lockwood, before he was replaced by Mrs. Brightly after he got a job in California.”

Wing: A “sympathy relationship”? Is that a relationship formed only because of sympathy? Like, you just saw a girl get viciously and publicly dumped so you walk over and say “So uh...he was a jerk, right? Do you want a cupcake, my treat?” (I would totally do that.)

Kyle grunted in agreement. “It’s too bad she won’t be in the same high school as us though. She’s going to some specialty school, right?”

“Yup. She’s going to The Learning Clinic,

Wing: “Clinic”? That doesn’t sound like a school...

which is near the town of Pomfret. So, she’s going to be moving…” My voice cracked slightly. The thought of Leaf moving away was… unbearable.

“Well, at least she’ll be going to a good place. And Pomfret isn’t that far away, because some of the students there go to the same high school as we will be,” Kyle stated, trying to reassure me. It wasn’t exactly working.

“Come on, Remy. I know you’re upset about this, but it isn’t like Leaf’s moving across the continent! Christ, I don’t think her family can afford that.

Wing: You don’t have to tell Christ. He already knows.

And from what Leaf told me, her mother is going to get her a cell-phone for graduation, so when you get yours, you can still be in contact with each other.”

“Wait… Leaf’s getting a cell phone?” I asked. Leaf never mentioned anything like that to me…

“She didn’t tell you? Well, that’s weird. I thought you knew, since you’d be one of the first to know,” Kyle said. Then his eyebrows furrowed. “She really didn’t say anything?”

I shook my head.

“Not even a hint?”

Again.

“That is totally freaky.”

I sighed. “Well, it’s not like I would have cared anyways.”

“Why not?”

“Because, isn’t it more convenient to use a regular docked phone?”

Wing: LOL, and this is supposed to be in the future. Adorable.

Mystic: pffffffttt

“Leafsters

Wing: Stop that.

would’ve wanted you to care, Remy, because unlike us, she doesn’t have a laptop to use, and you know how her mom feels about her using the docked phone constantly. Who knows, maybe you’ll get one by graduation too. That way you’ll never lose each other.” There was a brief noise from Kyle’s end. He turned around, answered it, and then focused back on me. “Sorry, Rems—I have to leave now. My grandma wants me to help her cook dinner.”

“Its fine, Kyle. You know where to find me.”

Wing: Next to a docked phone?

He smiled and then disconnected. I stared at the empty screen, with a blinking banner across it that read: “Your conversation ended. To reconnect, click on the refresh button at the bottom of the window.” I didn’t need to though, because Kyle was done talking to me.

Wing: Oh, thank goodness you reminded me. I was beginning to forget that, since it said Kyle had to go a whole two paragraphs ago.

He had a point though. If Leaf was getting a cell phone for graduation, then if I got one, we’d always be in touch. And yes, I did care that she was getting one. I was supposed to two months ago, on my birthday in March, but we were very tight on money then. My dad said he would make it up to me, but I don’t want to get it by High School, because what if I can’t get a hold of Leaf then?

Wing: ...Uh...what? Wing: You...don't want to get it by Strangely Capitalized High School? But wouldn't it be good if you got it by then??

I know I sound all defensive and possessive of her… but after seeing what she had to go through, and having to stick up for her for nearly eight years… who wouldn’t be?

Wing: Look, buddy, just because you “had to stick up for her for nearly eight years” doesn’t mean you get to decide how she conducts her social life. She’s not a freaking sculpture that you’ve spent eight years molding. Also, you don’t sound like a very nice friend. Your wording makes it sound like you resent having defended her and stuck by her. What a jerk

I got up and placed my laptop on my desk, closing the lid. My cat clock started mewling, signaling five o’ clock. I had done my Science and Social Studies already. My English assignment I haven’t even looked at.

I dug around in my backpack to find my English folder. We weren’t using the books at the moment because we covered all the material for the year. I checked my planner for what was due: my story plot for the Creative Writing project. I grabbed my purple notebook, which held a lot of crucial details for my story. I had the characters narrowed down except for their names, but it was the plot I needed help with.

I looked at my first main character, a round teenage girl

Wing: "a round teenage girl" omfg ROUND REALLY  BWAHA

Mystic: SHES SPHERICAL

Wing: JUST ROLL HER DOWN A FREAKIN HILL

who has low self-esteem and is often picked on by her peers. She has a crush on a “hot” guy, who is dating some snob.

Wing: I like how "hot" is in quotation marks, like Remy can't really see how guys could be "hot" :3c

The guy is my second main. He’s a jock who is a major flirt and doesn’t care which girl he dates, as long as he is never bored. My third main is a geeky boy who has a crush on the main girl, but has an odd way of showing it. I personally like the geek because not only is he funny to admire, he has guts for trying to prove his worth. I have secondary characters as well, but it mainly focuses on those three, because of the love triangle.

Wing: Pick a teen-oriented rom-com movie. Any of them. Bam. you wrote a summary for it.

How exactly I was going to incorporate my horror theme to this angsty thing, I have no clue.

I ran it over my head. Self-conscious girl who isn’t skinny but certainly not obese,

Wing: Well of course not. Obese people can’t be sympathetic characters./sarcasm

dealing with peer pressure and feelings for the hottest guy in school. Said hot guy who isn’t into serious relationships and is a bit of a jerk. A geeky boy who loves the girl, but no matter how hard he tries to show her, she doesn’t seem to notice.

Geeky boy actually has some potential…possibly for a murder? But it wasn’t just Geekster that has it—Insecure Girl does too. And Too-Hot-To-Be-Cool Guy.

Wing: Wha?

It hit me like a bull.

Wing: At least it wasn't like a car t-boning you [boos and OHHHHHHs heard from audience. I shrug and give a smirk.] I know, I know, I'm awful. Poor Charlie. Also, all of this is hitting me like a lot of bull too. [more booing] Tough crowd.

Mystic: PFFFFFFF

I began to scribble down plot ideas that could include an angsty-romance, as well as horror. Gore counted, right?

Wing: No.

Well, that’s what I put down.

The plot was that there was no definite plot.

Wing: Seinfeld: The Novel

That each arc has its own story. Arc 1 will have the girl, who turns emo

Wing: OMFG

and takes her classroom hostage, fed up with the insults and the fear of her school, and plans to eliminate the sources. Arc 2 is Geeky, who gets tired of trying to please Insecurity, so he kills her, then kills Hotsauce because he’s the reason why she never fell in love with him, then he goes insane from it and commits suicide. Arc 3 is about Hotsauce, who tries to find love but never does, so after he starts dating the snob, he starts to go insane and decides to kill the snob, because he felt that all she wanted was the drama and to vacuum his wallet dry, and she wanted to be the first to get laid by him, so he “loved” her then slowly tortures her to death. I’m thinking of a fourth arc too, but I’m not that far yet.

Mystic: I was so appalled by the whole "the plot is that there is no plot!" like????? doesn't a story need a plot??? Whhhh???

Wing: what the fuck even with the story tho Wing: I would never feel okay with turning something like that in to a MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER

Mystic: I KNOW Mystic: honestly wtf was eighth-grade me thinking???

I think Arc 3 might be a bit M-Rated,

Wing: Okay, 1) What, all the killing wasn’t M-rated enough for you?! and 2) JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THIS HYPOTHETICAL STORY COULD NOT GET ANY WORSE, THE MIDDLE SCHOOL AUTHOR DECIDES TO PUT PORN IN IT. GREAT

but there’s a good chance that the Creative Writing project won’t be finished by school’s end.

And there’s a very good chance that Mrs. Llaydeu would butcher it anyways, if she ever found out.

Wing: YO, SHE'S NOT THE ONE DOING THE BUTCHERING HERE, APPARENTLY

Mystic: yeesh its a good thing i got therapy like shit

Wing: At least you were writing about someone else writing about another person doing it, and not doing it yourself LOL

Mystic: AND YET THIS EXISTS

Wing: IT WAS YOUR SELF-THERAPY Wing: WHICH PROBABLY ACTUALLY WASN'T HELPFUL FOR ANYTHING MORE THAN FRUSTRATION-RELIEF, BUT STILL Mystic: well at least it proved successful at times. there's about six of these chapters lol

So I think I need to make a back-up plot just in case. I decided to make it a classic teenage angst-story where Insecurity realizes that Hotsauce isn’t all that she thought he was and instead goes to Geeky. I honestly liked my original much more.

Wing: Go back to watching Higurashi, Remy

The backup has a cheesy setting, yeah, I know, but it’s better than no plot, and it’s just in case I get caught by Mrs. Llaydeu.

Wing: "Just in case I get caught by Mrs Llaydeu"?? YOU KNOW, YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT ON YOUR OWN TIME. HOW SHE GONNA "CATCH" YOU WRITING STUFF YOU WRITE AS A HOBBY?? WTF, REMY?? JUST WRITE YOUR MURDERFEST FOR YOURSELF AND WRITE SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOUR ASSIGNMENT. THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT PROBLEM TO SOLVE

I might actually continue with the original if I really wanted to. Or it just might as well end up as one of those stories you’re so into, but then you just drop it and lose inspiration.

Wing: Ouch that hits a little close to home Mystic: oof yeah

Yeah, I know, I have a very horrific side when it comes to stories. I’m sort of like the next Stephen King, a bit.

Wing: I'm sorry, is your ego Santa's list? because you need to CHECK IT. TWICE.

Mystic: remy dear you aint Stephen king YOU FUCKIN NUTS

But hey, who knows, right? You definitely won’t catch me writing some chic-fic or whatever though,

Wing: Because of the way "chic" is actually pronounced, I'm pronouncing that "sheek feek"

because I’m just as girly as Kyle is gay, which he isn’t.

Wing: [narrows eyes] I find your specific denial highly suspicious...

I could smell my mom’s broccoli potato soup cooking downstairs. So, soup tonight with just me in the house and Rocky, because Dad is living with his brother in Massachusetts, while I’m stuck in Connecticut at the moment. But last I heard, Dad was planning on buying a house closer to where I’ll going to High School next year. I’ve seen the school, the only thing I haven’t done was shadow, because I was too fucking lazy to.

Wing: a) How do you shadow a fucking school and b) calm the fuck down with your language, young lady

Mystic: oh that's actually a thing Mystic: see eighth graders could "shadow" a freshman at my high school for a day to see how a typical day on campus was like

Wing: oh okay you didn't say shadow a student tho Wing: it sounds like she wants to shadow the school, not shadow AT the school LOL

Well, at least there’s summer to take a tour around the school. The only thing I’m insecure about is transportation, because I don’t know if the bus that picks up my neighbor will pick me up at the same time or whatever. We’ll see though.

“Remeleen, supper’s just about ready. Can you come and set the table?” Mom asked from the first floor.

“Coming, mom!” I called.

I leapt from my bed and went down the flight of stairs, taking a turn into the living room and then through to the kitchen. The dining room was a small area, with a simple table that could fit four people, and it had cabinets for the plates, bowls, eating utensils, and cups. I set it for two before hitting the couch to look for some television series. I found one of haunted houses and watched that for fifteen minutes, with Rocky cuddled up on my lap.

After Mom placed the food on the table, I nudged Rocky off and headed to my usual seat, which was across from Mom. We ate our supper quietly, which was the broccoli potato soup, salad with dressing and fixings, and pieces of oven-bread to dip in our soup.

Wing: "Oven-bread"? Is that bread that only lives in ovens? Is it like, homemade bread??

Mystic: ...bread that's made in the oven i guess?

Wing: So like... ...bread, then.

When I finished, I grabbed Rocky’s leash, clipped it to his collar, and took him for a walk.

Walking Rocky was probably the best thing to do at my mom’s, because she doesn’t take us out to eat or does anything fun with us, in fact. The only fun things we ever did was always involved with Dad, who arranged most of the activities.

Wing: Cringing at "does" and "was" in those sentences

Mom only went with us if she found someone to watch the house, even for just a few hours. I know it may sound harsh, especially to my mom, but I kind of agree with my dad; she does need some sort of therapy help. Obsessing over a house isn’t healthy, and we live on one of the safest neighborhoods, because it’s not as packed with residents as the huge estates, like where Marybeth lives, at Grey Hound’s Landing. Her house has been robbed, broken into, and damaged so many times for her whole life, that it’s hard to keep track of the exact number.

Wing: Jfc. Maybe she should move?? Also I don't really think huge estates get broken into??? Wing: Huge estates can generally afford security???

Mystic: very unrealistic i agree

So compare that to our homely situation

Wing: Remy obvs doesn't know that "homely" means "plain" or "ugly"

(which hasn’t been robbed before, thanks to Mom), and you can tell that she needs to lighten up. Even just a bit.

Rocky pulled a little on the leash, and I gave it a sharp, quick tug to pull him back. He looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes that remind me of storm clouds. It’s like they could just pull you into a dream, a small fantasy, which had helped me calm down before. When I imagined being in a calm, relaxed state, Rocky’s magnificent irises appear. They give you a sense of dreaming, but it’s not considered day-dreaming. It’s more than that. It’s like you’re dreaming with your eyes wide open, visioning things that you’ve never imagined of before. It’s a very comforting experience.

Wing: Jfc. Remy spends a whole paragraph talking about how beautiful her dog's eyes are. Should I be worried

Mystic: obviously remy is a furry

Wing: ROFLLLLL

If only Rocky were around when Dad and Mom were first arguing, when I was only seven years old. It was two years after that when my dad left, but he bought Rocky as Charlie’s, Amy’s, and my present before departing in November. That was the worst Thanksgiving ever, because Mom didn’t let him come, worried he might bring home a girlfriend. He never called that day either. And then Christmas, he dropped off presents, two for each of his kids … none for Mom.

Then, right before Amy’s birthday in April, he says that he has been living with a woman he met on the internet. And that he broke up with her. Then, a week later, he called the house phone. I was only nine then, but I still loved my dad.

Wing: ...Because...everyone knows that people stop loving their dads at age 8?...

I picked up the phone since Mom was putting Amy to bed. I knew something was wrong right away; his voice was slurred and hard to understand. He said awful names that he thought were being directed to Mom… but it was me. I cried, telling Dad to stop, I wasn’t Mom. He said something I’ll never forget:

“Oh, I’m sorry (hiccup) sweetie. Can ya tell your (hiccup) your Mom what I said? She needs to kno-(hiccup)-ow what a true bitch she is, and how much Hannah (his now ex-girlfriend) loves me.”

Wing: I like how her dad takes the time to pronounce "hiccup" in (somehow) verbal parentheses, and also reminds Remy of who Hannah is

Mystic: wait who's hannah

Wing: According to the story: “Oh, I’m sorry (hiccup) sweetie. Can ya tell your (hiccup) your Mom what I said? She needs to kno-(hiccup)-ow what a true bitch she is, and how much Hannah (his now ex-girlfriend) loves me.”

Mystic: OHHHH

Wing: I guess you needed Remy's dad to parenthetically explain to you.

Mystic: Pfft it's not very memorable xD

Wing: Shrug. It's a palindrome, at least. Wing: Also, I don't think he's drunk. If he's hiccupping that much, he probably just has hiccups.

That was the first time I swore at my father. I pulled the ones I knew that Mom and Dad would say sometimes, but rarely in front of us. I threw the phone to the ground and ran to Mom, crying, sobbing, and yelling about what happened.

I refused to speak on the phone with him since.

When my dad realized what had happened, he tried desperately to earn my trust back, so far as breaking up with his ‘girlfriend’ again (at least, as far as I know) and moving in with his brother. I’m happy that he’s trying, but… I still can’t get over it. How can I, a typical Daddy’s-Little-Girl figure, who was part of something that should have never, ever have happened? I still have a grudge, knowing that it’s gonna happen again, knowing that that was the bullshit my mom had to go through.

Both of them are neither right nor wrong. My dad’s not the perfect husband, but he jumps right back and tried to mend the pieces instead of finding another slut to knock up again.

Wing: Jfc. How is the nameless hypothetical woman who only exists to demonstrate a point in this specific sentence STILL being blamed here??

My mom has always been there emotionally for us, but her possessive behavior can get overwhelming. But sometimes, they both can have their moments where they just lash out. Mom did that to me when she thought I was defending Dad about something (I was only stating what happened!). Even Dad, who would compare me to my mom, mostly for mistakes and when I get obsessed and stressed over something he considers ‘stupid.’

The two of them are not perfect, but they’re not messed up like Leaf’s hoe-craving father.

Wing: "Leaf's hoe-craving father" I'm cracking up omg spelling it like that just makes it sound like he's REALLY into gardening ROFLLLL seriously though hoe-craving HE CRAVES THEM HOS

"How ya feelin, dad?" "Well, if I'm being honest, I have a bit of a craving right now." "Oh, really? For what?" "FOR A NICE HOT JUICY HO. THIS HO CRAVING WILL NOT BE SUPPRESSED"

Mystic: OH MY GOD

I just … only wish … we could be a real family again. I wish that Charlie was walking with me, instead of bruised, battered and broken at the hospital. I wish Amy was here too, because she’s an amazing conversationalist and knows how to brighten my spirit. I wish that Dad hadn’t been drunk that night nearly four years ago, and that Mom wasn’t obsessive over everything and more enjoyable to be around. I wish everything was different! I want my dad back, like the father I knew six years ago, instead of someone who’s trying to be that same dad but isn’t; and I want a mom who acts like she cares and isn’t obsessed over some god-fucking-damned house! I just… I just…!

Jesus Christ!

Wing: Aww, the writing here is very raw and emotional, though. I can tell it came from real emotions you felt and I wanna hug you :C <33 Mystic: Oh gosh senpai ;; it's ok that was a long time ago! Wing: I knowww, but like, I'd feel just... AWFUL if I continued trampling all over this thing you wrote without acknowledging that you were undoubtedly very sincere about it at the time and it is a reflection of who you were emotionally back then. Y'know? So, Younger!Mystic, just, keep trying, you're awesome, and I love you ;-; Mystic: SENPAAAIIIIIIIIIIII ;A; Wing: KOUHAAAAAAAAI ;n;

I broke down right then and there, collapsing on the curb and crying, no, sobbing my emotions out. I was surprised later on that the neighbors didn’t hear me, even though I swear I was loud enough for somebody to notice. I felt Rocky brush up against me, sitting on his haunches and nuzzling me. His pitiful whimper brings my head up, which he takes advantage of and licks my face.

I sort of laughed, trying to lighten myself up, but the tears didn’t stop. My face was heated uncomfortably, even though the night was much cooler than at dismissal earlier today. My eyes stung from crying so hard.

Then those piercing, gentle canine eyes met mine, and the negative feelings start to simmer down. Rocky tilted his head and whined in concern. I stroked his head, feeling the soft fur on top.

“Oh Rocky, what a mess this has become,” I said, choked by the hurt, anger, and sadness that began to bubble again. But Rocky’s intense gaze kept them from overflowing. “I know it’s nothing like Leaf’s dad, or her mom or whatever … but … it hurts … it--” I spurted out a sob,

Wing: Aaaaand then the mood was broken at the sentence "I spurted out a sob" Like, just spewed that sob everywhere It got on the pavement and everything

Mystic: JUST SPURT THAT SPIT EVERYWHERE REMY Mystic: JUST LIKE AUDREY

sniffled, then continued, “it’s like what she said. Life never works the way you want it for anyone. Instead … it challenges you, sees how much you’ll try to make the best, until you do crack from the pressure and shut down.” There was silence for a few moments before I asked: “Do you know if that’s right?”

Rocky only barks.

Wing: Suddenly in the present tense.

I laughed shortly. “Course you didn’t,” I muttered. I then turned my body to face the husky and Akita mix, who has a smile on his muzzle, and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Wing: omg, the dog is smiling Wing: the DOG is SMILING

Mystic: SMILING DOGGO

Wing: it reminds me of when I was doing the first spork that I ever did for tumblr, which was more in the format of reviews/summaries for every chapter, and I got SO MAD about the introduction of a fucking husky into the story for NO REASON and it was magically intelligent and could do really cool stuff and NODDED WHEN THE MARY SUE SAID THINGS

Mystic: pffffff omg xD

“You’ll be there for all of us, right? Not just me; I’m sure Amy and Charlie will need you as well … especially Mom. I know she doesn’t really like you, but … I’m sure she’ll want someone with her in her time of need.”

He moaned in that cute, doggish way of his,

Wing: "He moaned in that cute, doggish way of his" The Remy x Rocky is real/I'M GOING TO HELL

Mystic: BRUH Mystic: REMY CONFIRNED TO BE INTO BESTALITY

Wing: CAN'T SPELL BESTIALITY WITHOUT "BEST"/SATAN IS CALLING FOR ME

Mystic: OH MY GOFD

and placed his head on my shoulder. After I collected myself and found the strength to carry my own weight, I got up and walked Rocky back home, even though we didn’t get out too far.

We got back home at around 7:30. Mom asked what I was doing coming back so early, but I ignored her. Although I vented to Rocky, I knew I needed a person to talk to. I haven’t the guts to tell Mom, and I’m sure Kyle is busy with his Grandma and talking to Marybeth. Leaf is very limited to talking on the phone, but she’s one of the few I knew would understand.

The one person I never would have thought of came to mind instantly.

I grabbed the home phone and retreated to my room. I looked thoroughly in a small box that I kept under my bed, looking for that number. I found it, the simple, pink-heart sticky note, with a carefully handwritten cell number and the name of the contact. I smiled when I recognized it.

Erika.

She was one of my best friends, but she moved to Killingly last year.

Wing: Killingly??? THAT'S not a horrible name for a place or anything

Mystic: That's a real place lol Mystic: my community college is actually in Kilingly

Wing: omg, that's, whoa, I. I mean I knew there were places called that, but geez, just. What a horrible name LOL

I always kept in touch with her though, because she is the best girl ever,

Wing: Add another stone reading "gay" to the pile I've made for Remy

and I used to always have heart-to-heart conversations with her. She was close to Leaf as well, and part of our CSI games that we played when we were younger. Erika also had a thing for sassing things up with the popular group; she was a bit of a Mary Sue when standing up to bullies,

Wing: ????????????what??????????

Mystic: remy don't know what a mary-sue is apparently

Wing: like if anyone's the Mary Sue here, sweetie...

Mystic: PFFFFF EXACTLY

but she was targeted because of one thing: she was an orphan. I met her foster parents, and they were very nice, despite the obvious differences in their appearance when compared to their child, who had Puerto Rican characteristics. But Erika was very happy to have a doting family, and to just have one at all, because she saw what the orphans at the orphanages had to go through. Some had given up hope for finding a family, since many were rejected because they were teenagers and not cute babies or adorable little kids.

Wing: You make them sound like dogs and cats at the pound.

Erika’s real parents gave her up because they didn’t want the responsibility (they were teenage parents, by the way)

Wing: ...And this was necessary to mention why?

to take care of a baby. So, Erika was brought up by the Nuns

Wing: They were very important Nuns that required capitalization.

that ran the orphanage that she was put into. She grew up inside there until she was ten years old, and then attended my middle school. I loved her because of her spunk, despite her past, and she was patient enough to listen to even a Popular’s angsty story. And she gave pretty good advice, too. She was the most natural mediator I have ever seen. Why else would Mrs. Jillian have picked her as one of the Peer Mediator Officers at our school?

We haven’t spoken to each other in a while, which, now that I think about it, makes me nervous. Please, don’t let her forget about me already, I thought desperately. Then, taking a deep breath, I dialed the number into the phone.

As I listened to the connecting rings, I reminisced about the good times I had with Erika, even though for a short while. I missed her, I really did. She was a second Leaf, in a way, but she could control her mad personality, and (I hate to point this out) she didn’t have any disorders that I knew about. But that didn’t make her any more of a person than Leaf. I would never think of replacing Leaf for someone else. That’s why I really don’t have a single best friend that I liked more.

Wing: Uh, what I'm hearing here is "except really good at being a person and basically psychosis-free! Basically she's like the finished product while Leaf is more like the prototype! Erika's just all around better!"

Mystic: oof youre right Mystic: that's pretty shitty tbh

Wing: Like, just in general, the whole "a second Leaf" thing was...pretty bad LOL

Mystic: yeeahh, especially since the two characters are nothing alike at all

Wing: And then she actually goes further to explain that "oh yeah, Erika doesn't have Leaf's PROBLEMS, though. Oh, but that doesn't make her better than Leaf! It's just that she's better at a lot of...shit!"

Mystic: remy hun u a piece of trash

Wing: Rofl!

My heart jumped as a familiar voice answered the other end.

Wing: Erika makes Remy's kokoro go doki-doki.

“Hello? Who is this?” Erika.

“Hi Erika … its Remeleen,” I said.

“Remy? Is that really you? Oh my god, we haven’t talked in weeks! How are ya, what’s happenin’ how’s Leafsters, Kay-Kay and Marybeth?” Erika asked.

“They’re fine,” I reassured, giggling at Erika’s nickname for Kyle. Then I remembered the reason why I called. “Actually, I was hoping … that I could talk to you.”

She got what I meant. “Fire away, girl. I’m listening.”

I smiled, and the rush of emotions start to brew in my stomach again as I shakily began to speak. But Rocky jumps on the bed and lays down next to me,

Wing: That inconsistent tense tho

and as I’m pouring out my feeling, I glimpse those blue eyes, and I feel complete again.

Wing: I'm not saying she's in love with her dog or anything...but she totally appears to be in love with her dog

Mystic: PFFFFFFFF Mystic: did i have like a thing for dogs or something what the fuck

They remind me that I’m not alone, that there are other people out there feeling the exact same way as I am.

Wing: Rocky is Remy’s religion. He brings her comfort and solace and a sense of community

And it calmed me down.

Time to leave the past behind me.

This is the last night you'll spend alone. Look me in the eyes so I know you know. I'm everywhere you want me to be. The last night you'll spend alone, I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you need me to be. The night is so long when everything's wrong. If you give me your hand I will help you hold on, tonight,

Tonight.

~Lyrics from The Last Night, by Skillet

Wing: the fucking song lyrics Wing: are obviously about Wing: Remy and Rocky Wing: I just Wing: can Wing: 't

Mystic: ASLKJEODHGD Mystic: DID I JUST WRITE A FURRY ROMANCE Mystic: HOLY SHIT

Wing: NO SERIOUSLY READ THEM AGAIN; IT IS ABOUT THEM I SWEAR

Mystic: AHHHHHHHH IT TOTALLY IS Mystic: HOLY CRAP

Wing: IT'S NOT EVEN FURRY ROMANCE THOUGH. LIKE, FURRY ROMANCE IS ARGUABLY MORE ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE FURRIES ARE ANTHROPOMORPHIC. AND THINK WITH HUMAN INTELLIGENCE, BUT...! Wing: THIS Wing: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY Wing: ...EXCEPT MAYBE “ONTO THE NEXT CHAPTER!”

Next part up soon!

[onestarpicturebooks]

I am clearly out-of-touch. There are way too many great reviews about this book so I am obviously on aware of its greatness. Maybe there is something wrong with me. There must be. But I can honestly say this is the worst book I ever read in my life. I am not saying that as a joke or to be funny or to be sarcastic or to generate a response. I really feel this way, and obviously I am missing something that others see. But here are my thoughts. I am not familiar with this write. She has written other books. They might be amazing. I don't now. I do know that this book claims to be a poem. I don't see it. I have read countless poems in my life. I know what a poem is. Just because a few words here and there rhyme, does not make something a poem. In fact, I was 3/4 through the book when I was remember, "Oh wait! This is supposed to be a poem!" So I backed up and looked for some sort of rhythm or structure or rhyme scheme. It was a struggle. It is possible that this might be considered a poem. In the same way that you would be considered a poet if you said, "I ran down the street to get something to eat." Does saying that make you a poet? How about, "I fell down on the ground." Does that make you a poet? If so, then this book is a poem. The story is dreadful. I understand this is supposed to be "Cat heaven" but it is not very convincing. Why do cats need to walk through "sweet grass?" what is the significance. No other grass will do. There are butterflies along the way. So Cat Heaven is Butterfly Hell, I guess. The Cats grow wings so they can fly in and around trees. Do you have cats? How would your cat feel if he or she suddenly grew wings out of his back? Yes, I understand it is "Cat Heaven" but maybe cats don't want freakin' wings growing out of their backs. God loves cats. Instead of caring about anything else on earth, he is walking around with a cat on his head. God has a kitchen where he feeds cats milk. Where are the slaughterhouses in Heaven where they get the cow milk? Does it magically come from cows? Why must it come from cows? Cats are not cows. Can't god create some special liquid that cats like without it tasting like milk meant for calves? God walks in his garden with his "good black book." What on earth is a "good black book?" What is the significance of the book being black? If God knows everything, why on earth is he reading a "good black book?" God shares is bed with all the cats. Really? God sleeps in a bed at night? How big is this bed that all the cats in Heaven can sleep on it? As big as the kitchen counter where they all drink cow milk, I guess! As far as the drawings, I am really astounded by the defense they are kidding. I guess these reviews are written by bored moms who eagerly grab magnets and hang up every drawing their 4 year old does in school. That is what these drawings or paintings or whatever the heck they are look like. They look like they were done by a 4 year old! Now you might say to yourself, That is perfect. That way little children can relate to them!" Really? Do you really think that? If so, then how come every children's book in the world doesn't have crappy drawings and painting in them? This author must of one heck of an ego to insist on putting these crappy paintings in this book. Throughout publishing history authors have worked with separate artists to being their text to life. Why on earth couldn't this be done here? Why do readers need to be subjected to this garbage? I will say this, and I am 100 percent serious. If your 5th grader came home and said, "Mommy/Daddy, we had a project at school today. We had to write and draw a book called Cat Heaven. Here's mine!" You would look at it and force a smile. Whatever your child did would be better than this poorly written and poorly illustrated book that takes advantage of emotional people who are suffering from grief at the loss of their cat. You can defend this book all you want. You can say I hit the nail write on the head and that the author intended this book to read and look like a child did it, but I don't believe it. No GOOD author wants to write crap. There are countless beautifully written and illustrated books for children around the world. I don't think this book looks the way it does as a result of a conscious effort. I think this is the best she could do, and it was published because there was nothing else like it out there, and it has sold really well. I don't think anyone cared enough about the reader to give us something if real value, that is worthy of tackling the emotions we feel when we lose a cat. I am angry with this author. I am angry with this publisher. In my opinion, this book sucks. But clearly I am in the minority since there are over 100 glowing reviews about this garbage. You lost a cat or you know someone who lost a cat. I am sorry for your loss. It hurts. I know what it feels like. It is terrible. This book did not help me or my family heal or feel better. Instead it pissed me off. There are other books out there that I have seen since that give us what we need. This is not one of them. Sorry for your loss.

Sonny Blue reviews Cat Heaven

[aion-rsa]

The Buy Pile: Super Science For The Win!

WHAT IS THE BUY PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (winner of the 2012 Top Cow Talent Hunt/blogger/novelist/poet/jackass on Twitter/head honcho of Komplicated) grabs a whole lotta comics. These periodicals are quickly sorted (how) into two piles — the “buy” pile (a small pile most weeks, comprised of planned purchases) and the “read” pile (often huge, often including comics that are really crappy but have some value to stay abreast of). Thursday afternoons you’ll be able to get his thoughts (and they’re just the opinions of one guy, so calm down, and here’s some common definitions used in the column) about all of that … which goes something like this …

THE BUY PILE FOR FEBRUARY 1, 2017

Transformers Lost Light #2 (IDW Publishing)

Jump from the Read Pile. With amazing character moments as the guide, half of the cats is stuck in a dystopian alternate universe and the other half are at each other’s throats. This leads the story to an interesting place as the overarching quest for a lost legacy of their mechanical race continues. Watching the drastic shift in roles for Cyclonus and Tailpipe, or the exhausted nature of Megatron (perhaps, now, the most developed character in the entire property) as he sees what happened when he did not act as he did, all these moments wove an interesting parable about the nature of Cybertronian life and how it’s almost a curse unto itself. Heady stuff wrapped in whimsical trappings by James Roberts, Jack Lawrence, Joana LaFuente and Tom B. Long.

Nadia Pym is the best in “The Unstoppable Wasp” #2.

Unstoppable Wasp #2 (Marvel Comics)

Jump from the Read Pile. Nadia Pym is an orphaned super genius on a mission, as unflappable as Kimmie Schmidt and smarter than Lena Luthor. When she fails to notice her own myopia — planning on using fellow genius Moon Girl as a recruiting prop without ever thinking to talk to her — it’s a moment that could be played differently but sticks to the light tone. The action is balanced with the kookiness and Jarvis makes a perfect exasperated foil for the inexorable drive of the titular character. Writer Jeremy Whitley has the tone down pat here as the visuals from Elsa Charretier, Megan Wilson and Joe Caramagna make this bouncy, energetic script come to life.

WHAT’S THE PROGNOSIS?

Smart stuff to get us started, all good so far …

THIS WEEK’S READ PILE

Honorable Mentions: Stuff worth noting, even if it’s not good enough to buy “All-New X-Men” #1.MU had some cute quotes and character moments but was stuck with a crossover-inflicted plot that’s easily forgotten.

The “Meh” Pile Not good enough to praise, not bad enough to insult, they just kind of happened … “Shade The Changing Girl” #5, “Blood Blister” #1, “Champions” #5, “Everafter From The Pages Of Fables” #6, “Spider-Man 2099” #20, “A&A The Adventures Of Archer And Armstrong” #12, “Monsters Unleashed” #2, “Justice League” #14, “Nova” #3, “Star Wars Darth Maul” #1, “Invincible” #132, “Deadpool And The Mercs For Money” #8, “Green Lanterns” #16, “Big Trouble In Little China Escape From New York” #5, “Midnighter And Apollo” #5, “Karnak” #6, “Jem And The Misfits” #2, “Flintstones” #8, “Aquaman” #16, “Unbelievable Gwenpool” #11, “Vampirella” #0, “Death Of Hawkman” #5, “Jem And The Holograms Annual 2017, “Avengers” #4, “Goldie Vance” #9, “Harley Quinn” #13, “Faith” #8, “Ghostbusters Annual 2017, “Flash Gordon Kings Cross” #4, “Star Wars” #28, “Hard Case Crime The Assignment” #2, “Marvel Universe Avengers Ultron Revolution” #8, “Superman” #16, “Moon Knight” #11, “Jungle Fantasy Ivory” #6, “Deadpool” #26, “Electric Sublime” #4, “Bullseye” #1, “Fall And Rise Of Captain Atom” #2, “Assassin’s Creed Uprising” #1, “Nightwing” #14, “Planet Of The Apes Green Lantern” #1, “Old Man Logan” #17, “Walking Dead” #163, “Hawkeye” #3, “Cyborg” #9, “Back To The Future” #16, “Green Arrow” #16, “Planetoid Praxis” #1, “Batman” #16, “All-New X-Men” #18.

No, just … no … These comics? Not so much … No alarms and no surprises.

SO, HOW BAD WAS IT?

Well, while a lot of books just muddled along (and, honestly, “Moon Knight” was a hair from being reviewed much more harshly), it wasn’t so bad as a light week.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Two jumps beat the blahs of the Meh Pile, so the week essentially wins.

THE BUSINESS

Yeah, there are now 24 pages of the astonishing new web comic “Menthu: The Anger of Angels online and ready to roll. 48 pages remain, all done already, as this web comic shares a page a week throughout 2017, alongside a monthly newsletter from the Operative Network that includes giveaways and more. Hoo hah!

The writer of this column isn’t just a jerk who spews his opinions — he writes stuff too. A lot. Like what? You can get “Project Wildfire: Enter Project Torrent” (a collected superhero web comic), “The Crown: Ascension” and “Faraway,” five bucks a piece, or spend a few more dollars and get “New Money” #1 from Canon Comics, the rambunctious tale of four multimillionaires running wild in Los Angeles, a story in “Watson and Holmes Volume 2” co-plotted by “2 Guns” creator Steven Grant, two books from Stranger Comics — “Waso: Will To Power” and the sequel “Waso: Gathering Wind” (the tale of a young man who had leadership thrust upon him after a tragedy), or “Fathom Sourcebook” #1, “Soulfire Sourcebook” #1, “Executive Assistant Iris Sourcebook” #1 and “Aspen Universe Sourcebook,” the official guides to those Aspen Comics franchises. Love these reviews? It’d be great if you picked up a copy. Hate these reviews? Find out what this guy thinks is so freakin’ great. There’s free sample chapters too, and all proceeds to towards the care and maintenance of his kids … oh, and to buy comic books, of course. There’s also a bunch of great stuff — fantasy, superhero stuff, magical realism and more — available from this writer on Amazon. What are you waiting for? Go buy a freakin’ book already!

Got a comic you think should be reviewed in The Buy Pile? If we get a PDF of a fairly normal length comic (i.e. “less than 64 pages”) by no later than 24 hours before the actual issue arrives in stores (and sorry, we can only review comics people can go to stores and buy), we guarantee the work will get reviewed, if remembered. Physical comics? Geddouttahere. Too much drama to store with diminishing resources. If you send it in more than two days before comics come out, the possibility of it being forgotten increases exponentially. Oh, you should use the contact form as the CBR email address hasn’t been regularly checked since George W. Bush was in office. Sorry!

The post The Buy Pile: Super Science For The Win! appeared first on CBR.com.

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[aion-rsa]

The Buy Pile: Bad People & Bad Decisions Make For Good Comics

WHAT IS THE BUY PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (winner of the 2012 Top Cow Talent Hunt/blogger/novelist/poet/jackass on Twitter/head honcho of Komplicated) grabs a whole lotta comics. These periodicals are quickly sorted (how) into two piles — the “buy” pile (a small pile most weeks, comprised of planned purchases) and the “read” pile (often huge, often including comics that are really crappy but have some value to stay abreast of). Thursday afternoons you’ll be able to get his thoughts (and they’re just the opinions of one guy, so calm down, and here’s some common definitions used in the column) about all of that … which goes something like this …

THE BUY PILE FOR JANUARY 18, 2017

Curse Words #1 (Image Comics)

Jump from the Read Pile. The lure of leisure time and scantily clad romantic partners have felled conquerors of many stripes, from the Zentraedi in “Robotech” to … well, the Invid in “Robotech.” In this crafty new book, an imperialist’s minion gets a change of heart when he experiences New York City. That part is very engaging, and when the bill inevitably comes due that leads to some solid action and the truth needing protection in an extreme fashion. Charles Soule, Ryan Browne, Jordan Boyd, Michael Parkinson, Chris Crank and Shawn DePasquale turned in one entertaining work and watching this struggle between demons and slightly better angels is a great start.

“Grand Passion” #3 breaks all the rules and loves every minute of it.

Grand Passion #3 (Dynamite Entertainment)

Jump from the Read Pile. Not at all safe for work, this twisted gunpoint love story has everything you need to get engaged in the characters and resolve the plot in this issue while pushing you towards the next one. Spoilers would abound with discussing the details, but James Robinson, Tom Feister, Dave Curiel and Simon Bowland deliver a bawdy, enjoyable romp.

WHAT’S THE PROGNOSIS?

New ideas getting their game face together? Gotta love that, especially with so much cool new stuff happening.

THIS WEEK’S READ PILE

Honorable Mentions: Stuff worth noting, even if it’s not good enough to buy

Answers start to come in “Mosaic” #4 with the help of a brain significantly better than the series’ protagonist. There’s a real holodeck feel to it, as a lot of nothing happened just to transfer some information and do a bit of character work. That dragged the plot, which wasn’t so good, but the building of Morris Sackett as a character is fantastic.

Maximus the Mad is like a bored frat boy Loki in “Uncanny Inhumans” #18 where he comes up with a plan that only involves a little bit of murder and mayhem but he figures will be wholly forgiven. Hanging out with two of the worst Inhuman villains aside from himself, this has the feeling of a good crime comedy but hits the brakes sometime during the second act, leaving things unresolved. An improvement with the focus on character, but not enough to make it home.

“WWE” #1 was interestingly written, presenting the story behind the story as a story, reframing actual events in wrestling … “history,” we can call it. In any case, this behind the scenes look plays out as if the characters on the screen are the same when the cameras are off, carrying the scripted nature of the stories to a whole new level. On one hand, that’s brilliant and amazing, especially with the Seth Rollins characterization. On another hand, many of the shirtless characters herein were difficult to distinguish from each other, and that made the story seem to go by in a blur at points.

“Captain America Sam Wilson” #18 took a long time to make what seems like an obvious decision (as stated by almost everybody who matters in these pages), which made its titular character terrible even in the eyes of many people closest to him. It also had a strategy from a young hero that bordered on stupidity, so that was a problem. What was good was Steve Rogers, dancing around double entendres so much that Ben Kenobi might pause and then applaud respectfully. The ideas are better than the execution, and if this issue is right that the cause matters more than the consequences, that’s something to like.

Just when “Star Wars Doctor Aphra” #3 was getting good, after some character development (including her full name) and finding out just how dangerous a single Wookiee can be, when the page count caught up to it, cutting the story off at the climax of a second act. Written as trade bait? Maybe. This was close to making the mark, though, as each cast member did some of what makes them awesome.

The “Meh” Pile Not good enough to praise, not bad enough to insult, they just kind of happened … “Harbinger Renegade” #3, “Aquaman” #15, “Revolutionaries” #1, “Trinity” #5, “Cage” #4, “Hook Jaw” #2, “Green Arrow” #15, “Squadron Supreme” #15, “Jeff Steinberg Champion Of Earth” #5, “Dollface” #1, “Lucifer” #14, “Spider-Gwen” #16, “Black Hammer Giant-Sized Annual” #1, “Venom” #3, “Superman” #15, “Deadpool And The Mercs For Money” #7, “Horizon” #7, “Ultimates 2” #3, “Justice League” #13, “Black Widow” #10, “Athena Voltaire And The Volcano Goddess” #3, “Suicide Squad Most Wanted El Diablo And Amanda Waller” #6, “Divinity III Aric Son Of The Revolution” #1, “Avengers” #3.1, “Raven” #5, “Unbelievable Gwenpool” #10, “Battlestar Galactica Gods And Monsters” #3, “Mighty Captain Marvel” #1, “Justice League Vs Suicide Squad” #5, “Gamora” #2, “Doctor Who The Ninth Doctor” #9, “Patsy Walker A.K.A. Hellcat” #14, “Harley Quinn” #12, “Kill Or Be Killed” #5, “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” #11, “James Bond Hammerhead” #4, “Nightwing” #13, “Black Panther World Of Wakanda” #3, “Generation Zero” #6, “Star-Lord” #2, “Cougar And Cub” #1, “All-New X-Men” #17, “Justice League Of America The Ray Rebirth” #1, “U.S. Avengers” #2, “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency The Salmon Of Doubt” #4, “Invincible Iron Man” #3, “He-Man Thundercats” #4, “Night’s Dominion” #5, “Green Lanterns” #15, “Few” #1, “Batman” #15.

No, just … no … These comics? Not so much …

Since “Clone Conspiracy” #4 and “Amazing Spider-Man” #23 have so many of the same story elements, they may as well have the same review. Of course, trusting maniacs and murderers goes as it inevitably has to after pages and pages of moralistic hand wringing and prevarication. These books are so predictably doomed that when the other shoe finally drops, it’s almost a relief to know there’s just the punching and attempted murder to get through now. Subpar concept, adequate execution.

SO, HOW BAD WAS IT?

Not bad.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Those jumps, though … let’s call this week a winner.

THE BUSINESS

Well, there are 22 pages of a new 72 page web comic on line, there’s another one coming next month while a third just got collected for sale, 44 pages of story for just three bucks through Black History Month. All that and asking the question who is David Chance? It was a big weekend at the Black Comix Arts Festival in San Francisco, and if you join the mailing list there’s free stuff in it for you, to boot!

The writer of this column isn’t just a jerk who spews his opinions — he writes stuff too. A lot. Like what? You can get “Project Wildfire: Enter Project Torrent” (a collected superhero web comic), “The Crown: Ascension” and “Faraway,” five bucks a piece, or spend a few more dollars and get “New Money” #1 from Canon Comics, the rambunctious tale of four multimillionaires running wild in Los Angeles, a story in “Watson and Holmes Volume 2” co-plotted by “2 Guns” creator Steven Grant, two books from Stranger Comics — “Waso: Will To Power” and the sequel “Waso: Gathering Wind” (the tale of a young man who had leadership thrust upon him after a tragedy), or “Fathom Sourcebook” #1, “Soulfire Sourcebook” #1, “Executive Assistant Iris Sourcebook” #1 and “Aspen Universe Sourcebook,” the official guides to those Aspen Comics franchises. Love these reviews? It’d be great if you picked up a copy. Hate these reviews? Find out what this guy thinks is so freakin’ great. There’s free sample chapters too, and all proceeds to towards the care and maintenance of his kids … oh, and to buy comic books, of course. There’s also a bunch of great stuff — fantasy, superhero stuff, magical realism and more — available from this writer on Amazon. What are you waiting for? Go buy a freakin’ book already!

Got a comic you think should be reviewed in The Buy Pile? If we get a PDF of a fairly normal length comic (i.e. “less than 64 pages”) by no later than 24 hours before the actual issue arrives in stores (and sorry, we can only review comics people can go to stores and buy), we guarantee the work will get reviewed, if remembered. Physical comics? Geddouttahere. Too much drama to store with diminishing resources. If you send it in more than two days before comics come out, the possibility of it being forgotten increases exponentially. Oh, you should use the contact form as the CBR email address hasn’t been regularly checked since George W. Bush was in office. Sorry!

The post The Buy Pile: Bad People & Bad Decisions Make For Good Comics appeared first on CBR.com.

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[aion-rsa]

The Buy Pile: Brains Over Bluster

WHAT IS THE BUY PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (winner of the 2012 Top Cow Talent Hunt/blogger/novelist/poet/jackass on Twitter/head honcho of Komplicated) grabs a whole lotta comics. These periodicals are quickly sorted (how) into two piles — the “buy” pile (a small pile most weeks, comprised of planned purchases) and the “read” pile (often huge, often including comics that are really crappy but have some value to stay abreast of). Thursday afternoons you’ll be able to get his thoughts (and they’re just the opinions of one guy, so calm down, and here’s some common definitions used in the column) about all of that … which goes something like this …

THE BUY PILE FOR JANUARY 4, 2017

Unstoppable Wasp #1 (Marvel Comics) — Jump from the Read Pile.

Nadia Pym is indefatigable. Like a super powered Energizer Bunny, she makes Kimmy Schmidt look like Debbie Downer and laps Squirrel Girl like she was Eeyore. She dives into heroism with a lust for life that’d have Iggy Pop giving a slow clap and her infectious enthusiasm and brilliance bursts out of every panel here. “Princeless” writer Jeremy Whitley has bottled lightning with this wonderfully balanced script that does great explanations (only once going a bit heavy handed, and even there in character), has solid action based on real world science and hits Bobbi Morse in a place she thought she couldn’t be touched. The visual presentation by Elsa Charretier, Megan Wilson and Joe Caramagna is vibrant in places, intimate in others and perfect all around. This, finally, is a hero we deserve.

What does the night hold for Bruce Wayne in “Batman” #14?

Batman #14 (DC Comics) — Jump from the Read Pile.

This issue made the jump by honing in on what the Bat really does and has Catwoman both marveling at it and mocking it while a clock ticks. You see the craft Tom King puts into this work, and while from a conception standpoint the Sisyphean futility and ridiculous nature of many of these conflicts (Condiment King? Film Freak?) takes away some significance here, the craft stands up to scrutiny. Let’s also note the amazing visuals from Mitch Gerads and Clayton Cowles, which brought the Gotham City night alive.

WHAT’S THE PROGNOSIS?

With two endlessly re-readable jumps to start us off, that’s a rock solid start.

THIS WEEK’S READ PILE

Honorable Mentions: Stuff worth noting, even if it’s not good enough to buy

In this episode of “Making A Murderer,” er, “Justice League” #12 Amanda Waller uses several buckets full of exposition to give us the new, much more morally flexible, bwa-ha-ha free Maxwell Lord, outlining his rise to power and rationales behind it. Not bad as a Wiki entry, or something for one of those sourcebooks everybody refers to, but not exactly prime time viewing.

“Hawkeye” #2 is closing in on being good with fantastic characterization but can’t connect on its plot. Fun art, some fun moments (extra points if you catch the meme reference) but still falling short.

“Autumnlands” #14 had some quality moments as creations defied the goddess they credit with their making. The splash page may overly titilate some more prudish readers, but this book has the vocabulary of myth down pat. It could use a little more context for its impossible characters, but it’s not bad at all.

The “Meh” Pile Not good enough to praise, not bad enough to insult, they just kind of happened … “Scarlet Witch” #14, “Aquaman” #14, “Star Trek Boldly Go” #4, “U.S.Avengers” #1, “Cyborg” #8, “Black Science” #27, “Death Of Hawkman” #4, “Optimus Prime” #2, “Moon Knight” #10, “Everafter From The Pages Of Fables” #5, “Nailbiter” #28, “Flintstones” #7, “Avengers” #3, “G.I. JOE A Real American Hero” #235, “Unfollow” #15, “Saga” #41, “Green Arrow” #14, “Champions” #4, “Big Trouble In Little China Escape From New York” #4, “Unworthy Thor” #3, “Green Lanterns” #14, “Walking Dead” #162, “Spider-Man 2099” #19, “Harley Quinn” #11, “Box Office Poison Color Comics” #1, “Squarriors Volume 2 Summer” #2, “Wicked + The Divine” #25, “Justice League Of America The Atom Rebirth” #1, “Jem And The Holograms” #22, “Justice League Vs Suicide Squad” #3, “A&A The Adventures Of Archer And Armstrong” #11, “Nova” #2, “Midnighter And Apollo” #4, “Ragnarok” #11, “Nightwing” #12, “Deadpool The Duck” #1, “Faith” #7, “Shade The Changing Girl” #4, “Wynonna Earp Legends Doc Holliday” #2, “Superman” #14, “Old Man Logan” #16.

No, just … no … These comics? Not so much …

“Captain America Sam Wilson” #17 was insulting in its ham-fisted fumbling around social justice buzzwords and complex issues of racial identity, micro-agresssions and the experiences of marginalized people in the country. Also, again, most of the book had the titular character not actually doing anything or having any effect on what happened. Give Misty the shield. Let’s stop this tedious exercise.

SO, HOW BAD WAS IT?

One bad apple can’t throw off the whole bunch.

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Two jumps make the first week of 2017 a certified winner and well worth it for fans of the art form.

THE BUSINESS

Did you get the first official newsletter from the Operative Network? There was a free comic book (written by the maker of this column) offered from the newsletter and a chance to win a custom sketch worth $45 as well as the “Soulfire Definitive Edition” volume one hardcover. If you subscribe now, you can get in on what’s coming in the January edition.

The writer of this column isn’t just a jerk who spews his opinions — he writes stuff too. A lot. Like what? You can get “The Crown: Ascension” and “Faraway,” five bucks a piece, or spend a few more dollars and get “New Money” #1 from Canon Comics, the rambunctious tale of four multimillionaires running wild in Los Angeles, a story in “Watson and Holmes Volume 2” co-plotted by “2 Guns” creator Steven Grant, two books from Stranger Comics — “Waso: Will To Power” and the sequel “Waso: Gathering Wind” (the tale of a young man who had leadership thrust upon him after a tragedy), or “Fathom Sourcebook” #1, “Soulfire Sourcebook” #1, “Executive Assistant Iris Sourcebook” #1 and “Aspen Universe Sourcebook,” the official guides to those Aspen Comics franchises. Love these reviews? It’d be great if you picked up a copy. Hate these reviews? Find out what this guy thinks is so freakin’ great. There’s free sample chapters too, and all proceeds to towards the care and maintenance of his kids … oh, and to buy comic books, of course. There’s also a bunch of great stuff — fantasy, superhero stuff, magical realism and more — available from this writer on Amazon. What are you waiting for? Go buy a freakin’ book already!

Got a comic you think should be reviewed in The Buy Pile? If we get a PDF of a fairly normal length comic (i.e. “less than 64 pages”) by no later than 24 hours before the actual issue arrives in stores (and sorry, we can only review comics people can go to stores and buy), we guarantee the work will get reviewed, if remembered. Physical comics? Geddouttahere. Too much drama to store with diminishing resources. If you send it in more than two days before comics come out, the possibility of it being forgotten increases exponentially. Oh, you should use the contact form as the CBR email address hasn’t been regularly checked since George W. Bush was in office. Sorry!

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