#HOMESTRETCH FOLKS WE GETTIN IT!!

[jubilantwriter]

Of Blood and Static

Chapter 6: These writings on paper are all I have of you.

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Word Count: 7558

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The Lady is aware of the loops.  She's aware of how the struggle seems endless - no matter how desperately she clings to the hands of those she loves, they're always forced from her grasp as she watches them fall fall fall fall fall each time.

They always fall.

Over and over, be it by her hand or some unforeseen force.

Always always always always always.

The girl in the raincoat falls.

Mono falls.

Even RK falls.

And she's left having to witness them each time.

The loops continue even as a new member joins the fray, and she's left wondering if dragging him into this mess was worth it, if it was worth trying to break the loops in a fruitless attempt of escape.  They can never escape - haven't they learnt this as children already?  The forces that control this world will always win out, and they will always remain trapped no matter how desperately they struggle.  

She's aware of the loops.  How she's always the last of them to die.  Each repetition takes its toll on her.  She never breaks as a child, not yet fully aware of the weight of the loops to succumb and break down when she sees her friends, but aware enough that she clings to their hands when she sees them, feels an uncontrollable urge to protect them and never let go.

The girl in the raincoat falls after the Pretender lunges at her, despite all that Six does to try and keep her alive.

She lets Mono fall after a hopeless feeling strikes her core, and she knows that dropping him is the only option she has.

And she watches as RK falls to his death as an adult, no matter how much she reinforces the railings, no matter how much she tries to race or teleport after him to try and catch him.

She's aware of the loops.  Aware that the tragedies continue to build and build and build despite all their struggling.  The girl in the raincoat dies, leaving behind the raincoat that Six inherits.  Mono becomes the Thin Man, relegated to helping from behind the screen and retainer of all their memories.  RK becomes the Caretaker, doomed to die in an accident before he reaches his true potential.

And she is forced to watch it all happen, powerless to truly stop anything.  

She is aware of the loops.

She is aware of the loops.

She stands in front of a television screen, wishing it would turn on.  She wants to hear his voice again.  She wants to know how he sounds as an adult.  But she can't.  His loop has already ended, and she can't reach out to him until the next one has reached its midlife.  Still, it doesn't stop her from placing her hand on the screen and wishing that it would turn on.

The Caretaker had already fallen earlier in the day.  She'd almost grabbed his hand before he slipped away, mere centimeters away from her own hand.  He'd fallen with a terrified expression, a look of realization that all his struggling to stay alive was for naught as the Maw jerked and jolted to keep him from taking any more steps forward in their plan.  She left his body where it laid - her one vase was already filled up with his ashes, and anyway, she could feel her time running out soon enough.

Her loop ends in blood and blood and blood.  When she looks up at her younger self, mouth covered in viscera, she can see so much of her own pain reflected back at her.  

"I'm sorry," she gasps out, the child looking more and more confused as she stares down at the Lady.  A boy in blue grabs her hand, dragging her away from the Lady as she lies there dying alone.  She closes her eyes and imagines a world where her hands are never cold.

She's aware of the loops.

But she's not the only one aware.

She opens her eyes, and Mono is running by her side, his paper bag still on his head.  Before she can say a word, he tugs her into a room that is empty of life.  They take a moment to rest, having little to worry about in the moment now that they have no one chasing them.  Mono looks around the room, taking in the strange paraphernalia littered around it.  A small statue sits on the ground, and he grabs it, dragging it to Six.  Six takes it wordlessly, a familiar destructive feeling surfacing up from... somewhere.

She picks it up and throws it on the ground, shattering the statue with relish.  When she turns to Mono with a smile, he's got his attention focused on the scattered posters on the ground.  He takes one, looks it over, and folds it up to put in his pocket.  She takes his hand and gives it a little shake, nodding to the posters and then to him.

He presses a finger to the front of his bag.  It's a secret.  Frowning, she bends down to pick up a poster herself, but he gets in the way and shakes his head.  Not yet.  But soon.  He pats his pocket and points to himself, and then to her.  He'll tell her soon enough.  She takes his word for it, nods as they continue to search the room.

Events continue, and she finds herself dangling Mono over the chasm beneath them.  He looks up at her with sad, sad brown eyes as she cries.  Don’t make her do this, don’t make her do this-

"Six," he whispers, because they're not used to speaking normally yet, and perhaps they never will, "it's okay."

"No," she gasps, and her tears fall faster when he smiles up at her.  Her arm hurts, and he’s already starting to slip from her grasp.  "Don't make me do this, please."

"It's okay, I won't be mad.  I even left a surprise in your pocket."  When she doesn't let go, he yanks his own hand from her grasp with that sorrowful smile.  She yells and reaches for him again, but he's already gone gone gone into the abyss, leaving her to leave by her lonesome.  When she makes it to the exit, she checks her pocket just as her Hunger already begins rearing its ugly head.

A poster for the Maw.  Nothing as special as she'd imagine it would be.

"Turn it over," her Shadow whispers, and so she does.

A doodle of an ugly man in a boat with a face that sags and stretches until all that is visible are the long holes that could be his eyes.  And then the words written in a rushed, childish scrawl:

"Ask him to come back."

She's aware of the loops.

But she's not the only one aware.

The Caretaker carries around a notebook.  When she first asked about it, he'd shyly put it away and waved her away, saying it was full of notes he'd written down.  She'd shrugged it off, having other tasks to attend to.  It wasn't until after she (re)introduced him to the Thin Man that he revealed what it was he was carrying around.

Items on the Maw carry over from previous loops.  It's how the television stays in place, it's how her library remains untouched and the same no matter how often she dies.  The only things that change are the faces of the Guests and children.

...Well, for the most part.

The Caretaker pulls her aside after her conversation with the Thin Man ("Did you see my note?"  "Of course I did."  "Will he come back?"  "He said when the time is right."), and holds out the notebook.  "I'm sorry I didn't share this with you before but," he flips through the notebook, showing off page after page of scribbles and doodles, charts and diagrams, "I wanted to wait for the right time to show this to you."

She takes the notebook out of his hands and realizes.  Realizes that this was one of the many things on the Maw that carried over from previous loops.  The Caretaker is one of them now, and as a result...

"These hold your memories," she breathes out.

"Well, not quite, but close enough."  He takes it back, thumbing through each page carefully.  "Reading each word reminds me of something, but I can never quite grasp it.  Still," he taps at a diagram showing the outside of the Maw from the top down, "it looks like I've been planning this for ages.  This shows potential docking areas away from where the Guests usually board.  It gives me an idea."

"Just an idea?"

"It's something we can work with."  He shrugs while grinning blithely.  "And frankly, I think we all could use something to work with."

Of course, even after that one little spark of hope, the Thin Man still dies at the hands of Mono.  The Caretaker falls before her very eyes, bones snapping and head cracking on the cold, unwelcoming floor of the Maw.  And as she sits in her loneliness, humming her familiar tune, she waits for that bright, yellow raincoat to pounce upon her.

She is aware of the loops.

But how much longer can she take before she stops trying altogether?

She is aware of the loops.  

They scratch at her memories, drag her around like a toy, and her Shadow continues to watch and remember in her stead until they're one once again.  

She is aware of the loops.

Aware that they've done this song and dance over and over again with no end.  She doesn't understand how Mono can keep this up.  How RK continues to go along with this horrible reality, as if he's always been a part of their team.  Is he just as single-minded as Mono?  They truly would get along so well if that were the case.  

Six stays where she's lying on the ground, Mono hopping around on the piano beside her.

"Six, come help me."

"I'm tired."  Despite their journey having only lasted the day thus far, she's already feeling this deep-seated weariness that she can't place.  Mono must sense it too, for he stops hopping around and lands on the ground next to her.  He sits besides her, tangling their fingers together and humming the tune from her music box.

Something about it makes her want to sob.  But that's stupid.  Sobbing in a place like this is stupid.  It's what gets them caught by monsters - the noise, the weakness, the vulnerability.  In fact, she should be getting up right now so that they can continue moving.  

Mono rubs his thumb into her hand, humming to her as she lies on the ground.

"We can stay here for a little bit."

"Thanks."  He doesn't move from where he sits, and she's grateful for it.   "Can we just stay here?  It's quiet, and no monster can get in here easily."

"It's not that safe."  Mono looks away from her and sees something that she can't see.  "But there's somewhere else we can go.  Somewhere where there are no monsters, and we can laugh and run all we want.  I'm sure we'll get there soon enough."

"How soon?"  She's tired.  So.  Very.  Tired.  "I want to sleep."

"Soon," he says, and he holds out his hand for a pinky promise.  "But until then, I promise I won't leave you alone."

"Good."  She hooks her pinky with his and gives it a firm shake.  "I'll bite you if you do."

A silent laugh shakes his frame, and she can't help but smile up at him.  She wants to stay like this with him, where he can be happy and she can be happy and they can be happy together, like it's normal to be happy.

But they're not meant to be happy.  Happy means letting their guard down.  Happy means forgetting that they're in constant danger.  She's reminded of this when they're cowering in a child's room, and the Thin Man holds his hand out and grabs her.  A monster with gentle, gentle hands.

The world is cruel, with their moments of tantalizing happiness and monsters with gentle hands.  The world is cruel, because it lets her believe that there's a happy ending somewhere if she just tries hard enough.  But maybe that's where her failure lies.

In believing that her efforts are worth something, when really her efforts amount to nothing.

She presses a hand up against the glass.  It doesn't turn on, but that's okay.  She's gotten used to the loneliness long, long ago.

"What happened to promising to never leave me alone?"

No one answers her.

Her life amounts to standing in a puddle of blood, surrounded by the sounds of broken static.

The loop ends as it begins, and she closes her eyes with the hopes of never opening them again.

She is aware of the loops.

Every bit of her wants to give up, to succumb and let herself mindlessly follow the flow of tragedy, but her stubborn, stupid, terrible friends refuse to give up.  Sometimes, she wishes she never introduced them to each other, what with their antics giving each other hope.  But then something warm shakes her from her thoughts.  The Caretaker takes her hand and tugs her up topside of the Maw.  It's overcast, and the threat of rain looms overhead.  She closes her eyes and lets the cold air wash over her.

It reminds her of the Pale City.

"We're so close,"  he says, fingers intertwining with hers.  "We just need one more thing."

"What kind of thing?"  Rarely is she able to help.  Instead, she asks all these empty questions that do nothing but serve as a vessel for their thoughts.  It's the least she can do, when all she does is let them fall.

"I need... to find a place.  Away from all the adults, away from all the monsters."  He taps his chin, deep in thought as the clouds shadow their faces.  "But surprisingly, your library lacks maps of any sorts."

"Unfortunately."  She stares out into the vast sea.  Not a single landmass in sight.  Given that they just recently picked up their latest batch of Guests, it comes as no surprise to her that the Maw has steered itself so far away from any coastlines.  "The ship goes as it pleases, after all."

"And it doesn't surface often."  He tugs on her hand to swing it back and forth.  How childish of him.  "I thought maybe standing out in the open would cheer you up."

"What do you mean?"

"You've been... incredibly down lately."  A thoughtful hum.  "Lifeless.  You glide around the Maw, attending to every sort of business but your own.  Even when you talk to the Thin Man on those few occasions, I hardly hear you say a word.  He's noticed too, you know."  She can't help the little twitch she makes at the mention of the Thin Man's concern.  "He's worried about you.  Says that you've been getting more and more quiet."

Of course he noticed.  "It's nothing to worry about."

"I don't think so."  The Caretaker squeezes her hand lightly with a smile.  So much like his title, it's hard to see him as an adult.  How did he end up so normal?  "We'll get through this, dear Lady.  It's only a matter of time."

"How lucky are we then, to have so much of it?"  The waves start to breach the ground they stand on, and she begins dragging him back to the door.  "Though it seems our time here is up."

He looks around, taking in the sight of the sky before she closes the door on the outside.  "Only for now.  Someday, we'll see those blue skies I read about in storybooks.  The blue skies from your favorite stories."

"Hmm."  She doesn't say anything more as she takes him deeper into the Maw, away from railings as they continue on their day.

He dies six days later in a bloodied heap on the floor.

She kneels by his body, fingers carding through his hair as she hums her familiar tune, his head in her lap as she waits for the time to pass.

Soon, her time will be up and she'll have her moment of rest.

Her loop ends at the hands of a girl in a yellow raincoat, and she wonders if the girl knows just what kind of living hell she's walked into?

She tires of the loops.

The awareness stings at the corners of her mind as she's strung upside down, the feeling so hopelessly familiar that she wonders if being captured is the only thing she's good at.  The Bullies cackle beneath her, but the mocking only lasts so long until a familiar grunt is heard, and the sound of breaking porcelain echoes in the bathroom.  She's dropped unceremoniously from where she's strung up, and when she comes to, a familiar boy in a paper bag offers his hand to her.

When she takes his hand, she lets all of her weariness flop her around, and the boy has to support her until she gets her bearings.  Silently, he takes her hand and drags her around until they find a room with a piano.  She half expects him to start jumping on it (it's obvious that they need to use it to break the floor beneath it), but instead, he sits her down and... lets her breathe.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"No."  She hugs her knees to her chest and rests her face against them.  "Tired."

"...Yeah."  He doesn't say anything more and lets the silence reign between them.  It lasts for a total of two minutes before he pipes up again.  Mono was never really good at keeping quiet like this, after all.  "What do you wanna do if we ever get out of the City?"

"Dunno," she says, eyes drifting close.  She's so tired.  "Maybe find a soft bed.  Sleep forever."

"Sleeping forever sounds... kind of nice."  Still, he shakes his head, and the paper bag crinkles with his movement.  She crinkles her nose in response and flicks his bag.  He makes an affronted noise, which is enough to make her giggle.  "Meanie.  But okay, but like, what would you do after you slept?  Like, what would you do when you wake up?"

"Dunno," she repeats.  It's not really a thought process she tends to follow.  "Eat?  Maybe do something fun.  Like kick a ball around.  Or lie in the grass.  Maybe read a book."  She pauses for a moment, looking up at the ceiling as though she can see it.  "What would you do?"

"Hmm."  He lies beside her and folds his hands on his stomach.  "I want to see the sun.  Did you know there's something called the sun?  It's supposed to be bright and warm and dry."

She ponders his comment.  Has she ever seen the sun before?  Probably not.  "Where'd you hear about that?"

"I think the Teacher was scribbling about it on the board when I was sneaking around.  It's supposed to be hot and full of gas."  He gestures aimlessly in the air.  "I bet if she could talk, she'd say like, only good students get to see the sun, so they better study good or else!  And then she’ll whack a desk with her ruler."

"Ew."  Six crinkles her nose in disgust this time.  "I hope her ruler breaks."

"Yeah, she probably breaks them all the time.  She's just a big ol’ meanie."

"All monsters are mean."

"You're right."  They grow quiet together, listening to the pitter patter of the rain before Mono suddenly sits up.  "Oh!  I found this in one of the rooms I was trying to get through."  He searches through one of his stupidly big pockets (seriously, how does he fit an entire collection of hats in his pockets?) and pulls out a folded piece of paper.  He unfolds it, and unfolds it, and unfolds it...

She snatches it out of his hands and shakes it open impatiently.  

"Hey!"  He snatches it back out of her hands and holds it carefully.  "Don't do that!"

"You were taking forever."  She rolls her eyes and helps him straighten out the huge sheet.  The top and bottom are torn messily as the paper feels oddly fake and like a weird kind of plastic.  On it is a large, red scribbled eye that takes up most of the paper, but beneath that eye are shapes that she's never really seen before.  She points to one shape and frowns.  "Someone doesn't know how to draw a triangle."

"That's not a triangle, silly."  Mono straightens out the paper and points at all the different shapes on it.  "I think this is a map!"

"A map?"

"Yeah, it's supposed to show you all sorts of different places."  His finger traces all the shapes on the map, humming to himself as he does so.  "If we're gonna leave the Pale City, we gotta figure out where we should go from here."

"Where's here?"  

"Um..."  Mono squints at the map, but the entire thing is a mess of lines with red scribbles and confusing markings.  He sighs with defeat.  "I dunno.  There's no words on it."

"So how do we know where we are?"

"...We don't."

"...That's okay.  Maps are dumb anyways."

Despite her words, they both stare at the map in silence.  Six begins tracing over the shapes herself, wondering where each place could be, and how long it would take to walk there.  She points to a lonely blob in the middle of the ocean and wonders who lives there, and if they're just as lonely as the blob.  "What do you think is here?" she asks softly, gaining Mono's attention.

"Hmm..."  He taps his chin, making the paper bag rustle with his movement.  "Maybe more kids?  And no adults."

"No monsters."

"Clean water."

"And food everywhere."

"Maybe even toys!"

"Balls?"

"And blankets and pillows!"

"Music boxes..."

"Lots and lots of music boxes."  Six glances over at Mono, and even though his paper bag obscures his face, she knows he's smiling at her.  "I bet they all play different songs too."

"That'd be nice."  She smiles back as Mono begins folding up the map.  He folds it and folds it and folds it until the large sheet manages to be pocket-sized, despite how bulky it becomes.  After a bit of consideration, he hands it over to Six.  

"You take it."

"Why?"

"So that you can pick where we go once we get past the Signal Tower!"

"But I don't have any pockets."

"Huh."  He looks over at her shorts and cardigan and realizes that she's right.  "We should find you something with pockets."

"Yeah."  She watches as he pockets the map and stands up, offering her a hand up.  Once she grabs it, he easily pulls her up as they look over at the piano.  

"Guess we should start going, huh?"

"Yeah."

It was nice while it lasted.

They continued their journey, Six getting her raincoat along the way.  Somehow, when she wasn't paying attention, Mono must have slipped the map into her pocket.  He probably meant it as a surprise, maybe a last minute, "Watch this, a magic trick!" sort of gimmick to make her smile that he never got to use.  After all, she dropped him to his doom.  She'd forgotten all about the map, too focused on growing into her role as the Lady that when she'd packed away the yellow raincoat, she'd almost missed the strange bulge in the pocket.

Taking it out was surprisingly difficult.  It amazed her that she never noticed the tightly folded up sheet until now.  However, she had little use for it - the Maw steers itself, and therefore, she never needed to learn how to read maps.

But.

She knew someone who could make use of it.  

Quietly, as she walks past him, she presses the wadded up map into the palm of his hand, so small that it’s impossible to see being passed along the two of them.  The Caretaker didn't so much as glance at her, closing his fist around it immediately and shuffling off to his own quarters.  There was little she could do with the map, but with what he'd shown her of his notes from previous loops... maybe... just maybe...

The Maw laughs at her with its mocking groans as her hope quickly turns to despair.  As it turns out, she'll never know what he figured out with that map this loop.  Having any sort of hope means that any sort of means can be used to squash it before it can bloom.  And who else to pay for her crime than the man who gave it to her in the first place?

He barely even shares a single conversation with the Thin Man before she finds him toppling over into the drop between the Janitor’s workspace and the kitchen, meathooks dangling above and below him as the Maw careens yet again into another obstacle.  All because he wanted to chat with one of the Chefs on their break, standing so close to the edge that she should have known better but instead was too busy watching the other Chef prepare their meals.

So of course she hears his scream too late, the Chef’s startled cry echoing her own as he too fails to grab the Caretaker’s hand.  Crashes and bangs ring out as both Chefs hold her back, keeping their Lady from following the same fate as she screams for him over the ledge.  It’s one of the few times she can’t find his body no matter how hard she searches.  The Thin Man could only do so much to comfort her before he too disappeared from her company.

And again, she was left alone.  Always so alone.

She waits for her loop to end, only for it to begin just as quickly the minute she closes her eyes.  All she wants is a break.  A small reprieve.  But even that is too much to ask.

Events played out as they should.  Little divergences are made here and there, but nothing so drastic that it feels like it matters.  A hand is pressed against the warm glass of a television.  Quietly, she asks, "Why do we keep doing this?"

He answers back, "So that we may have a future where we can all smile together."

And she asks him, "Didn't you want to quit long ago?"

And he responds, "Didn't you want these to continue long ago?"

And she laughs.  Cries a little when she replies, "How the roles have reversed."

His head bows.  "I'm sorry."

Her fingers curl.  "Don't be."

So he asks, "Why did you want them to continue so long ago?"

To which she explains, "I thought it was our only method of survival."  A pause.  "I was wrong."

"Not entirely," he says.  "As terrible as they were, it made me realize something."

"What was it?"

"I wanted more than just survival, to live to see another pointless, repetitive day."  His head tilts back up, making her believe that he's looking at her as he speaks with the words on the screen.  "I wanted us to be free."

"That's quite different from my reasoning."

"A bit."  She can see him lean back in his seat with his hands folded in his lap.  "But sometimes, it makes me wonder if our reasons are really that much different from each other."

"Perhaps," she says with no follow up.  The two of them stay in silence, basking in the other's presence.  She misses holding his hand.  Her forehead presses against the screen, porcelain mask clinking delicately against it.  "I want to see you again."

"Soon," he soothes, because that's all he can do. 

Their conversation ends with a flurry of static as the Thin Man is taken away by the Signal Tower to do some tasks.  Her sigh is heavy as she turns away from the screen.  "Soon" is such a finicky word, she decides.  It's been used so often that she thinks that it no longer means "a short wait".  How often has he told her "soon", only to have her suffer through loop after loop?

(Though, didn't she used to do the same to him?)

A blue blur barrels into her as she makes her rounds, interrupting her thoughts as hands grasp her arms.  

"Lady," the Caretaker says breathlessly, "there's something I need to tell you."

"Did you read something about vegetables again?  I told you, I'm not eating them-"

"No- though, we still need to have a talk about that at a later time but- it's something more... groundbreaking."  His hands splay out in the air with dramatic fanfare before taking her hand, tugging her along in a manner that has her gripping his tightly.  They travel down the halls at a brisk pace, shuffling past Guests that lumber aimlessly through the passages until they take a quick turn into the back paths of the Maw.  He thumps towards the engine room, veering off into a secluded area that has the nomes shuffling past him anxiously once they see her in tow.  A little side room is uncovered as he pulls open a loose panel and steps into it.  Inside is... a map.  With a large red eye scribbled over it.  Lines and words are written in black to stand out against the red drawing, arrows pointing this way and that, X's made to mark specific areas, and scribbles scratching out areas unwanted.  Little writings litter the map, notes made of certain areas until her eyes are drawn to a teeny, tiny island circled excitedly in black ink.

("What do you think is here?")

"Caretaker?"

"Six, look."  He drops the title as he points at the island with a bright grin.  "I found it.  A place that's devoid of any life!"

"...Sounds peachy."

"I mean- I mean there's no one who lives there.  It's deserted, out of reach, completely uninhabited."  He picks up a pen and circles some notes and draws arrows leading back to the island.  "My notebook tells me about these... these conversations with someone named the Ferryman.  There's not a lot about him, but from what my notebook has recorded, he doesn’t seem like a horrible person.  He cares about the children and wants them to be safe.  Granted, he tends to drop them off here, but the notebook says he’s nice, if a bit weird.  It also seems like he knows his way around the ocean.  I'd say he might even know where this island is."

"I know of him.”  Memories of being dragged aboard a wooden rowboat repeat in her mind as the saggy faced boatman stays silent during their trip.  She never saw him again after that.  “I can only assume it'd be near impossible to reach him."

"Not for me.  Not for the Caretaker."  A nome wanders over to them, allowing the Caretaker to bend down and pick them up.  He cradles them in his arms as he looks at the Lady expectantly.  "I take care of the children.  I ensure they remain safe and relatively alright.  If he were to entrust the children to someone, he'd have to entrust them to me."

Slowly, she makes the connection.  "You've met him before."

He nods, holding the nome closer to his chest.  "And according to my notebook, countless times before.  It looks like there's a meeting spot somewhere on the Maw where he drops off any children he finds in his journeys.  If I meet him there, I can ask about the island.  It'd be a place where children can not only survive, but thrive."  A glance is shared between the two of them before they focus on the map before them.  "Somewhere where no child will have to step foot inside the Maw."

"...Or be taken to the Tower."

The Caretaker nods solemnly.  "I had to tell you this soon, before my time runs out."

She turns abruptly to him as he shares a sad smile.  "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."  He puts down the nome and takes out his notebook.  Thumbing through the pages, he hardly looks up as he speaks.  "Each time a discovery is made, the entry stops there.  Nothing continues until I pick it up again.  Each day is marked with a tally, see?  Even if I have nothing of note, I always mark down the day."  He brings it towards her face to see the little tally marks that line the borders of the pages.  "Each new start begins when I find the notebook, and I start to dig.  Not a lot of time spans between start and finish.  It didn't take me long to figure out why."

"...RK-"

"If my guesses are correct, I think I’m going to die soon."  

"RK, please-"

"Six."  He stows away his notebook and gently takes her hands.  When had she started wringing them?  "Listen to me."

She stills, all of her attention on him as she memorizes as much as him as she can.  How his bangs still fall over his eyes no matter how often she trims them for him.  How his gaze always tends to look sleepy until he's around something that demands his attention.  How his feet are covered in calluses because he forgets to wear his geta frequently after a life of running barefoot as a child.  How the scarring on his right leg remains prominent after all these years even after they managed to get that awful manacle off his leg.

She memorizes all this and more.  Like how his hair looks when it's coated with blood.  Or how his eyes glaze over as they loll in his head.  Or how the blue of his haori both blends and clashes with the red soaked up from his broken body, a shade she still struggles to put a name to despite seeing it so often.  

RK squeezes her arms, drawing her out of her head.  Quietly, he removes her mask and gently dabs at her cheeks.  Ah, she forgot she can still do that.

"It's going to be okay."

"No it's not."  Her mind spirals at the thought of having to watch him fall again.  How many times does she have to watch him fall?  "You know you're going to die, how is that okay?"  

"Because."  He presses his forehead against hers, solid and reassuring.  "It gives us some time."

"For what?"

"To make sure we don't waste whatever moments I have left."  

She closes her eyes as she focuses on his warmth.  "What do you need of me?"

"I just need you to leave this bottle at one of the drop sites for the Ferryman."  He pulls away just enough to retrieve a bottle stashed away in his clothes.  She takes it without complaint, rolling it between her hands like a toy.  "After a few days, return and see if he's left a response.  Whatever you find, write it in my journal and sign it with your real name."

"That's it?"

"Small actions can go unnoticed," he whispers, pulling her in for a tight hug.  "And that's what we need in a world where we're always being watched."

Her eyes close as she leans into his warmth.  How she ever managed to get through previous loops without his constant support and comfort is beyond her.

(The thought of eating a nome revolts her more than the thought of vegetables.  It only makes her despise the Hunger even more, with how it digs its claws into her and makes her crave living flesh, making her the monster that she is now.)

They part not long after that, her drawing away from her dear friend reluctantly as he shoos her off, making sure the bottled message is safe in her clutches before disappearing to do whatever he needs to get done.  It comes as no surprise to her that after she places the bottle where he asked, safe and secure in a nest of rope, that he tumbles before her very eyes once again and lands with a sickening crunch just a few days later.

Once she's grieved over his body for what scant minutes she possesses, she rushes off to the drop site and looks for the answer he needs.  

Another bottle sits in its place, innocently out of place as she retrieves it.  The message inside is released and she reads the response in RK's place.  When she finds his notebook, she quickly scrawls down the answer to his message:

"Aye, but it won't be easy."

It's the last thing she manages to do before her loop ends violently.  Closing her eyes has never been easier, and it makes waking up even harder than before.

She is aware of the loops.  Anyone who lives constantly in them must hold some level of awareness regardless of how much they desire to live in blissful ignorance.  Does it help that each loop is a promise that she can reunite with Mono, even though it will always end with her betraying him in the end?  Does it help that each loop is a promise that she will get to meet RK again, even if it's at the cost of his untimely death?

Does it help that she gets to see that girl one last time, get to see her smile of gratitude before she ends up like every other child in this wretched, despicable world?

Maybe.

She's still not sure if it's enough to have her push through with each iteration.  But when Mono offers his hand to her, she still takes it.  When RK follows her around, she allows it.  And when the girl stops to help her up, she still moves to push that same, useless boulder.

Quietly, she hums to herself.

The world is loud and frightening, with monsters at every corner waiting to kill her as a child.  When she grows up, she becomes another monster at the price of survival.  Her eyes open, as they always do, to the sight of the loop unfolding all around her.  Little changes create large ripples, that’s what they tell her.  She watches these ripples passively from a distance.  That's all she can muster nowadays.  Passing along messages, carrying around items to give to the other recipient, always acting the willing messenger.  It helps that she always dies last.  

The scribbles on RK's map grow by the loop.  Mono's determination only grows stronger as he passes along the things he finds to RK.  And what does Six do, besides be their messenger?

She blinks, and words flit across the screen just for her eyes to see.  "You're the key to all of this," he states.  "Don't doubt your importance."

"As a porter?" she scoffs. 

"No, as our last fighting chance."

"Against what?"

"Against all odds."  His hand reaches out from beyond the screen to cup her face tenderly.  It strokes just beneath her mask's eye, presenting a comfort she doesn’t think she deserves before reluctantly pulling back into the screen.  "You're the spiteful spitfire who will last the longest out of all of us.  And we're depending on you to bare your teeth and fight when we can't."

She blinks, and the television is gone.  A hand rests gently on her shoulder in the library, a soft hum coming from the other.  "This wouldn't work without you, you know."

"Flattery gets you nowhere."

"It's the truth though."  He squeezes her arm with a smile.  "Who else would be strong enough to strongarm a change like this?"

"Not me."

"You're lying to yourself."  His touch is soft as he holds her hand in companionship.  "How else would I be here?  I know these loops have lasted longer than my existence."  He grins brightly at her without a hint of malice.  "Somehow, you dragged me into this mess through sheer will.  It always feels oddly surreal being here. I always feel like… I was never meant to live this long.”  A distant look settles in his eyes, and it’s one of the few times where she can’t figure out what’s going on in that mind of his.  With a quick shake of his head, he clings tighter to her hand for reassurance.  “But somehow, you made it work.  Who am I to not return the favor?"

How did she end up with two wonderful, lovely, amazing, brilliant friends?

They believe in her.  For whatever profound or idiotic reasons they may have, they believe in her.  To fight, to continue surviving, to refuse to step down - that's what they claim they need from her.  So she continues what she does best.  When she wakes up, she puts one foot in front of the other and continues forward.  She survives, in spite of all the hardships and monsters that block her path.  And as she survives, she keeps seeing them again and again and again.  Perhaps it's her selfishness at work again.  Dying to wake up to be found and chased and found again.  Waking up to run and fight and see them again.

Waking up to see the girl in the raincoat still alive, still radiant and doing her best to help any child she comes across.  Kind until the very end, when she perishes due to no fault of her own.

Waking up to see an axe drive itself over and over again into a wooden door as a boy forces his way into her life, and she grows less and less resentful, and more and more grateful for his presence.

Waking up to find food presented to her in hopes of staving off her hunger, a tentative but hopeful smile on the face of a boy still getting used to the idea of helping other children.  He grows up beside her, knowing of her antics and behaviors and being the only one exasperated yet fond of her actions.

She wakes up again and again just to see them over and over.  She wakes up because despite how the world seems intent on taking them away from her, she refuses to let things be until she sees them again.

Her hands are cold, but she refuses to let them stay that way.

A part of her hurts knowing she can't save them all.  Her selfishness rears its head again as she desperately tries finding a way to twist fate, allowing another of them to live - another of her precious friends to stay alive.  But nothing goes her way for that one moment; there is no rope to dangle down, not another boulder, no tree root she can tear out, no amount of reaching down to save the girl in the yellow raincoat.  A terrible thought plants itself in her mind as she watches her die for the umpteenth time - perhaps her death is what makes her so much more desperate to see that her two other friends stay alive until the very end.

Six clutches tight to the yellow raincoat she wears.

She has to make sure they survive.  If she can't save them all, then she can save as many as she can.  

Her resolve blossoms anew, and she thinks that maybe she understands what Mono finally discovered after suffering loops upon loops of disappointment.  When she presses her hand against the warm glass of the television, complete understanding is finally shared between the two of them.

"So, when will you come to get your meal?"

"Soon, I promise."

"I’ll hold you to it."

But of course, nothing goes her way.  It never goes her way.

The first time she realizes something's wrong with the Thin Man is when she attempts to reach out to him like normal.  She is met with a hazy sort of static, his visage distorted and broken before the screen did something it never did before - it lost signal.

Multicolored bars appear, surrounding a single image of an eye as it leers at her before shutting off.  She (hopes, prays, begs, refuses to acknowledge) assumes that the television is finally meeting the end of its long, beleaguered life and asks the Caretaker to help her find a new one for her quarters.  But even with the new television set up in her quarters, the television still says that there is no signal.

"...Something's wrong."  The Caretaker places his palm against the screen with a newfound horror in his eyes.  "They're finally making a move."  Their gazes meet for a moment before drifting towards the Eye insignias that have followed them through each and every loop.

She’d forgotten that they were a warning as much as they were decoration.

The true horror of the situation is made apparent to her when she faces down her tiny successor.  Her form is rigid, stiff, but not with the desperate strength of a child trying to survive and conquer.

No.

The little brown bag that threatens to fall from her pocket is more than enough for the Lady to understand what the Tower had done.

She dies at the hands of an angry, grief-stricken little girl, and the only thing she could do is hope that her new iteration clings to that rage as she grows up.

[shinedownsnation]

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