#Grief As Organized By Institutions (churches; universities) just makes me COMPLETELY balls to the wall nuts
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silly personal loss post lol
i’ve been so busy being peeved at my alive boss that i have kept forgetting the ways in which i’m rather genuinely fucked up about my dead boss
#it is funny that the central lesson of 2021-2022 is that instead of grieving for people like a normal person i bitch about the inadequacy#of their funeral services.#i don't know what that says about me!#i keep being like 'well i'm not as fucked up about my dead boss as i am about my dead FRIEND' and it's like ok. keep writing normal sentence#i just like........hmmm.#hmm#gwen died in october and i like only barely processed it on any dialogic level#on account of i learned she was dying over the summer immediately after the other#even more horrifying#tragedy happened#(not to rank them like an insane person but whatever.)#and i did not want to talk about it partly because a) it felt like a stupid parodic insane punchline#and b) it felt like the less important thing for my whole social circle#not in that it was FUNNY but finding out your boss/mentor is dying one week after your friend dies does something chemically insane to you#and c) lbr i could barely talk about any of it#but i just KNOW this stupid 'celebration of life' shindig tomorrow is going to make things Worse for me#funerals always do it seems!#Grief As Organized By Institutions (churches; universities) just makes me COMPLETELY balls to the wall nuts#i am already feeling completely balls to the wall nuts this week and it hasn't even happened yet#and my workplace was never perfect but it's gotten comprehensively Worse now that she is not in charge#we need a director not a secretary Trying Her Best but i know we are not going to hire the right person#and i know i won't get a vote or a stake in it because by god i am 21 years old#at this point literally all of us who knew gwen on any serious personal level have graduated#it just makes me completely completely miserable#words!
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