#Gonna focus on the crisis and social behavior change as a response

[ollieoliveoboelo22]

Did I just make my anthropology paper on crisis, collapse, and resilience about Mount Tamboura, the year without a summer, and the panic of 1819? Am I using this as an excuse to justify getting copies of some of Benjamin Tallmadge's letters?

Yes. Yes I am

[theyreonlynoodlesmike]

The lost boys with an s/o who has self esteem issues & has never really stood for herself & is always timid & talks softly

You got it!! I'm just gonna sum this up as a "shy" s/o. Here you go!!

Poly!Lost Boys x Fem!Shy S/O with Self-Esteem Issues

It was pretty easy for the boys to start dating you. They're all fairly outgoing (with Dwayne being able to when necessary), and they spotted you in the crowd. Even in the summer heat, you were covered head to toe. You were pretty, even if it was clear from your behavior and dress that you didn't think so. You were with some of your friends, but you seemed to almost be hiding behind them. When the boys came up to you, you looked like a scared little mouse. A few hypnotism tricks, and suddenly your friends that had tried to stand up for you were absolutely no problem. David had just wanted to mess with you at first, like a cat playing with its prey, but Dwayne had started to like you. Really like you. Your voice was nice and soft, and the way you said your name made him smile.

The terror twins were busy driving you nuts, making you flush bright red and Paul had even gotten you to squeak (Paul had made a particularly dirty joke about finding out what was beneath all those layers). You couldn't even tell them to stop you were so shy. So, Dwayne did it for you. The large brunette had wrapped his arm around your shoulders, bringing you closer and assuring that he wouldn't let them bother you. When he stared at you, you looked like you were going to faint. He'd given you a small smile, and your response was to look anywhere that wasn't his face or his chest. All it had taken was one shared look between David and Dwayne. Dwayne wanted to keep you, and David thought that he could've picked someone far worse. So, why not?

They had easily convinced you to come back to the cave. Really, all it took was just saying, "Come with us." And you were too timid to outright deny them. Dwayne had given you another assuring smile, offering to have you ride with him. "I'll drive slow." He promised, and you couldn't deny the way his voice made your heart flutter in your chest. "O-okay." You'd quietly agreed, and you'd ended up keeping your face buried in his back the entire time. Slow or not. After that night together, a night alone where they were able to get to know you, they all decided that perhaps they wouldn't mind keeping you around. A few more nights like that, and they had all fallen for you. They told you what they were and that they liked you the same night, mainly because a) who were you going to tell and b) they figured you'd react worse to their confession than to the fact that they were vampires. Dwayne was a sure-fire "yes", but the rest of them? Might be the first time they'd ever heard you say no. You didn't, and they were extremely relieved.

Paul thinks your shyness is both adorable and hilarious, and always lays on the compliments pretty thick. When you confessed that you had self-esteem issues (they had all pretty much figured that out already) he had literally protested. "What do you mean you don't like how you look? You're hot as hell!" Takes it upon himself to remind you every day that he thinks you're "hot", and plans on single-handedly helping you boost your confidence. Tries to get you to change up your wardrobe a little, but only because he has a theory that your layers aren't doing your self-esteem any favors. "Babe, if you could see how hot you are, I'm sure it would help." He would say as the two of you lay on the couch and he plays with the edges of one of your many layers. Paul doesn't have any issues with his body or his looks, but sometimes he's worried that he's annoying. He can't talk to the boys about it, but sometimes he'll ask you if he's being too much and he'll smile when you assure him that he's better than you are in social situations. Paul has a tendency to talk over you sometimes. He doesn't mean to do it, but you talk so quietly and you're not the type to slap him upside the head when he interrupts. Usually, one of the other boys will do it for you, and Paul will usually say something like, "Oh, shit- Sorry, sugar, what were you saying?" When you tell them that you wanna take it slow because of your self-esteem issues, Paul had to have a hand slapped over his mouth before he said anything stupid. Doesn't stop him a few days later when the two of you are in the process of making out and he suggests doing it in the dark since, "Technically, I won't be able to see you then, babe." And you have to remind him that, "Paul, can't you guys see in the dark?" "Oh. Right."

Marko is pretty good with your shyness. Sure, he likes to tease you here or there, but he never teases you to the point of getting upset. Always assures you that you're beautiful, even if you don't believe him. If you shake your head or tell him to stop, he'll quirk an eyebrow at you and say, "What? You don't believe me?" Before he's launching into a tickle attack until you agree and say that you're beautiful. Lays on some cheek kisses to make you smile, and will cuddle you as the two of you calm back down. The two of you have some long talks about your self-esteem issues, mainly because Marko understands. It's not easy being the shortest of the guys, and just overall being shorter in general. He knows what it's like to have things that he wishes he could change, and sometimes he swears that if they had changed just a few years later in their lives, that he could've been just a few inches taller. You quietly tell him that you think he's handsome regardless, and he's so happy. You don't compliment them often, and you're in danger for a kiss attack if you keep being cute. Marko is the type to nod and let you finish what you have to say 9/10 times. Though, the way he smiles at you sometimes makes you flustered, and those are the times where Marko interrupts. But only to lean in and kiss you because "you're just being too cute, babe." When you say you wanna go slow, Marko accepts it. He knows that he'll probably just have to be a little pent up for awhile, but he understands. Sometimes he forgets during heavier makeouts, but he pulls back the second you seem to be getting uncomfortable and quickly asks, "Shit, are you okay?" Before layering on the apologies. Will stand up for you and fight someone for you in literal seconds. While all of the boys will do this, Marko is the fastest and has/will chew someone out for you. Literally.

David loves to tease you for your shyness. He'll purposely ask you questions or ask you to "help" him decide something for the group, just because he knows that it'll make you have a small crisis. Though, as soon as he's done teasing you, he'll gladly make any and all decisions for you. He's patient and he'll wait for you to finish speaking, but he likes the fact that you follow along with pretty much everything he says. Doesn't compliment you often, but means it when he does. The two of you will be at the cave and you'll be sitting on his lap after a particularly hard day. Surprisingly, he's one of the best boys to go to when you're upset, and he'll just stroke your hair and whisper about how he thinks that you're pretty, and that "You're perfect for us, kitten. We wouldn't want you any other way." Before he kisses your forehead. It'll probably take a few months for him to open up about any potential insecurities he may have since he genuinely is pretty confident in his looks. He only mentions one (1) time that he might not be crazy about his weight, since he's a little soft around the edges and the rest of the boys are either ripped or bone thin, before he decides that sharing is not for him. But, it's that one little conversation that speaks volumes, as it makes it clear that David gets what you're going through. David is one of the more talkative of the boys, so really you don't have to talk much when you're with him. He doesn't interrupt you when you do speak, but it's nice to just take a break and let him speak for you sometimes. When you tell them that you want to go slow, David doesn't mind. That means he gets to focus on teasing you, and he sees it as just building up tension. Teases you by saying, "You gotta tell me what you want, kitten," under the guise of him not wanting to push any of your boundaries. However, you know him well enough to know that he's doing it just to be an asshole. Will fight someone for you, obviously, and they almost always end up getting eaten.

Dwayne is by far the nicest about your shyness, since he's the quietest of the boys. Liked you immediately because he saw the two of you as kindred souls, and gently coaxes you out of your shell by stepping out of his first. The other boys think it's weirdly fascinating to see Dwayne be considered the more extraverted out of a pair, and Dwayne will even go as far as ordering food for you and speaking for you in situations that you're too timid to. Tries to keep his compliments to a minimum after you say that you have self-esteem issues, but the way he stares at you sometimes makes it clear exactly what he's thinking. He looks at you with so much love and adoration in his eyes that you have trouble meeting his gaze, and he'll gently run his fingers against your cheek. Gives you knuckle kisses whenever you're nervous about being in a large crowd or someone is being rude, and shields you away/glares at them rather than get into a fight. Keeps you close and acts as your bodyguard. Always waits for you to finish speaking, and is the type to nod encouragingly. Again, the way he looks at you makes you flustered, but Dwayne will encourage you to keep going and wait for you to finish. Dwayne doesn't talk about his insecurities that much, and when he does you think he's being ridiculous because he's gorgeous. Will respond with, "That's exactly how I think about you, princess." And it makes you flush so red that Dwayne thought you were going to faint. When you say you want to go slow, Dwayne assures you that he'll never make you do anything you're not comfortable with. Let's you set the pace, even if you're a little too shy to take the lead. The two of you will lay in your nest for hours, just slowly kissing and keeping things light. He likes to have you sit on top of him so you never feel like he's gonna take control, but really all it does is just make you more nervous than ever.

Overall, they do their best to try to help you with your self esteem issues and they love you exactly how you are

[therineyaaa-blog]

A Silent Crisis

( BEFORE PROCEEDING TO READ MY BLOG, KINDLY, READ THE SHORTEST STORY ABOUT DEPRESSION THAT I WROTE BELOW. THANK YOU! ) ”JANE” [10:45 PM] Jane was found dead. She would never bother anybody again. - [9:25 PM] She made up her mind. She was so tired of being less important than anything or anyone. - [8:33 PM] She knocked on her mother's room. But she was too busy with those paperworks. Paperworks were more important than her. "Go back to sleep. Stop bothering me." - [7:23 PM] She texted her father. Her father was with his new mistress. His mistress was more important than her. "I'm gonna give you money tomorrow. I'm busy. Stop bothering me." - [6:42 PM] She knocked on her sister's room. But she was studying for her exams tomorrow. Exams were more important than her. "Get lost. Stop bothering me." - [5:30 PM] She called Melissa, her only friend. Melissa was with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was more important than her. "I'm with Dennis. Bes, stop calling. You're bothering us." - [4:29 PM] She was so depressed. She felt so weak. She knew she just needed somebody to talk to. She needed a person who would listen to her. She needed her family and her friend. - [3:13 PM] She was informed by her teacher that she failed her subjects again. She cried. She was so disappointed in herself. "You should've studied harder! Now, go back to your classroom. Stop bothering me." - [2:50 PM] She begged Josh not to leave her. But Josh chose her new girlfriend because she looked better. She was so hurt. "I don't like you anymore. Stop bothering me now." - [1:11 PM] She got bullied again by her classmates. She was laughed at. She was insulted. "You're so stupid." "We don't want you in our group. You will just bother us." - [12:05 PM] Jane still wanted to fight against depression. She knew she just needed somebody to help her fight against it. ( HERE IS MY BLOG ABOUT DEPRESSION )    At some point, most of us have, or will experience sadness. However, sadness is usually short-lived. When a person suffers with depression, it can affect work, school, eating, and the ability to enjoy life over an extended period. It is imperative to make the distinction between sadness and clinical depression; when depression is recognized, needed treatment can be obtained.

   Depression can affect one's ability to do the simplest things, such as waking up in the morning, brushing your teeth, going to school or work, and eating a meal. Depressed feelings make it hard to function normally, focus, and participate in once-enjoyable activities. Depressed feelings result in little to no motivation or energy, making it hard to get through each day.

   Symptoms of depression range from feeling sad, empty, hopeless, angry, cranky, or frustrated; to weight loss or gain; to thinking about dying and/or having suicidal thoughts.    What causes depression? Heredity plays a significant role, accounting for half of the etiology behind depression. Depressed individuals often are direct family members of others who suffer from depression. Depressed individuals may not have the same thoughts as healthy persons, due to neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain. Specifically, depressed individuals experience abnormal regulation of cholinergic, catecholaminergic (noradrenergic or dopaminergic), and serotonergic (5-hydroxytryptamine) neurotransmission.  The neurotransmitter imbalances can prevent someone from recognizing that he or she could find help. Many depressed individuals cannot imagine being happy again. They feel unbearable emotional, and sometimes physical, pain that seems to have only two options: dying or living with pain.  Neuroendocrine dysregulation may relate to problems of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal, hypothalamic-pituitary-thyroid, or growth hormone systems, areas that can be treated.    Psychosocial factors also play a role in depression. Major life stressors can precipitate depression but normally do not cause clinical depression, except in people predisposed to depression. Once someone has been clinically depressed, she is at higher risk for depression. Women are at higher risk, possibly related to heightened response to daily stressors (emotional sensitivity), higher levels of monoamine oxidase enzyme responsible for degrading neurotransmitters, higher rates of thyroid dysfunction, and the endocrine changes of menstruation and at menopause.    Depression can be categorized as mild, moderate, or severe. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition classifies eight depressive disorders. Five of the depressive disorders are classified according to symptoms. Major depressive disorder is defined as a period lasting two weeks or longer, when a person experiences at least five of nine symptoms where one symptom is depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure in activities. Persistent depressive disorder is a depressed mood that lasts for at least two years in adults, but only one year in children or adolescents. Other specified or unspecified depressive disorders involve symptoms that do not meet the full criteria for another depressive disorder, but cause clinically significant distress or impairment. Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, diagnosed in children, involves severe emotional outbursts and irritable mood. The remaining three depressive disorders are classified by etiology and include premenstrual dysphoric disorder, depressive disorder due to another medical condition, and substance/medication-induced depressive disorder. Adolescents can have any of these disorders.    In the past, people believed children could not suffer with depression. When teens showed signs of depression, it could be mistaken for the moodiness of puberty. Research today reveals that teens may be clinically depressed. Clinical depression may lead to attempts at self-harm. Teenagers may show indicators of depression that are different from adults. Depressed teens may sulk, act out, get in trouble at school, express negativity, and feel misunderstood by others. One study suggests that as many as six students in a classroom may be struggling with depression at any given time.  Teens struggle with school, grades, family, friends, and their identity. Bullying is a serious problem, contributing to teen depression. In 2013, 19.6% of U.S. high school students reported being bullied on school property, whereas 14.8% reported bullying electronically by email, chat rooms, instant messaging, websites, or texting. Sadly, family members, friends, and school personnel may not notice teens who are sad, lonely, and distressed, as they can be invisible or try not to be noticed. These self-inflicted injuries are a cry for help.    The first step to preventing teen suicide is recognizing and treating depression. Effective, early intervention will help reduce the burden and disability of depression. A combination of proactive support, mood elevating medications, and psychotherapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, can effectively treat teen depression.    Depressed teens need to be assessed for how they respond to life, especially stressful situations. Negative thinking patterns and behaviors can be replaced with effective coping strategies, such as good problem solving, helping with motivation to change, building self-esteem, resolving relationship problems, and learning stress management techniques. If chronic pain is a variable, management of pain is important. Other studies additionally support the importance of religion and increased frequency of attendance at religious services as protective factors for depression and suicidal ideation in adolescents.  Adults and peers can help prevent suicide by knowing the risk factors, warning signs, and asking if a teen has been thinking about suicide. It is okay to ask, “Do you ever feel so badly that you think about suicide?” “Do you have a plan to commit suicide or take your life?” “Have you thought about when you would do it (today, tomorrow, next week)?” “Have you thought about what method you would use?” The more specific thinking and plans a person has made, the more serious the risk of suicide. Risk also is greater if warning signs are new and/or have increased, or are possibly related to an anticipated or actual painful event, loss, or change.    Major depression and suicide can be averted if society takes action by careful consideration of the individual's developmental level, identifying high-risk groups, and researching the best evidenced-based interventions to reach the largest numbers.  However, despite the prevalence of depression, the impact on school performance, and lifelong costs, there is little discussion about intervention for depression among school personnel.    Sadly, it is common for someone suffering with depression to go unnoticed. Teen depression continues to be a quiet crisis in schools. To intervene, we need raised awareness of the problem, trained school personnel, and structures for delivering mental health services in schools.    Depression is a quiet crisis, but it need not be. Increased awareness, with the development of needed mental health programs, can reach teens who need help. Working with social media can reach teens who may be suffering in silence. Collaboration with teen support groups and faith organizations can create safe havens for teens. Through a coordinated effort on the part of public and private industry, government agencies, concerned family, friends, schools, and healthcare professionals, we can make a difference in preventing suicide and saving lives.    For a difference to occur, people need to acknowledge the severity of teen depression and the significant risk of suicide. Teens need our attention to make them feel valued, accepted, and secure in the knowledge that people are there to help them. Teens taking their lives is a tragedy.    In conclusion, depression doesn't go naked. It sometimes wears a blue shirt and sits in a corner of a house while clutching a toy car in its little arms, trying hard not to hear the violent words from its parents' mouths.It sometimes wears a school uniform, reluctantly going home, in its bag is a report card that will certainly define its worth just like what it did last year.It sometimes wears a jacket not against the cold but to conceal the bruises in its pale skin.It sometimes wears a pink dress, sometimes, an orange sweater, a white lab coat, a black suit, a yellow cardigan a green basketball jersey.It wears everything— cheap or expensive— everything.But no matter what clothes it uses, there's something that it never forgets to put on. Depression always wears a smile. Lastly, don’t lose another Jane. Reference: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

[wolfliving]

Climate crisis volunteers who aren’t gonna get a lot of money

*Getting your town drowned is really, really expensive.

https://www.shareable.net/preparing-for-climate-chaos-now-qa-with-disasterologist-dr-samantha-montano/

Robert Raymond: One of the main themes that we try to unpack in our documentaries is the idea of disaster collectivism — how community response to disasters is almost often marked by unique forms of solidarity and kindness. We focus particularly on vulnerable communities that are impacted disproportionately by disasters — communities that don’t have access to adequate relief and recovery resources. We saw disaster collectivism in play during Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, and we’ve produced episodes [of The Response podcast] on Occupy Sandy in the Rockaways and the Mutual Aid Centers that popped up all over Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria, for example. I’m wondering if there are any examples of disaster collectivism that you find especially compelling or inspiring?

Dr. Samantha Montano: The area that I specialize in within emergency management is disaster volunteerism and nonprofit involvement in emergency management, particularly during response and recovery efforts. So these are exactly the types of groups that I’ve spent a lot of time talking to. And honestly, all of them are compelling and inspiring to me. It’s difficult to pick one. I think it’s useful for people to know that this coming together of different groups — oftentimes spontaneously and by improvising a response to a disaster — this happens during every single disaster. This is a worldwide phenomenon that happens. It’s tied to how humans react to disasters — we’re prosocial in how we respond. When a disaster happens, we turn to one another, we help one another. And so really, these groups that you mentioned, they are a product of that human behavior.

I also think it’s also important to reflect on the way that our approach to emergency management has evolved over the past hundred years in this country. The more formal emergency management system that we have of aid through government is by design limited. The approach from the federal government is to be as limited in their involvement as possible. This runs counter to what the general public wants, because when a disaster happens, you want government to come in and help and address the needs in your community to get the roads back up and running, for example, or to get electricity turned back on, to get people back in their homes. There is a real mismatch between what the goal of government is, especially the federal government, when a disaster happens, and what the public perceives that role to be.

Furthermore, we also have to think about the history of this system and how it was designed and importantly, who it was designed for. Our emergency management system really dates back to the civil defense era in the 1950s, and it was really designed for a traditionally nuclear, white, middle class American family — that was who was in mind when it was created, and the people who were creating it were from that demographic. And so the way they conceptualized what it means to help before, during and after disasters comes from that mindset. And of course, it wasn’t true at the time and especially isn’t true now, that’s not what the American public looks like. We’re not all white middle class nuclear families. So that’s another way that we really start seeing certain groups of people having way more needs than other groups during disaster. And we see that there’s an inability of that formal system to really address those needs. It’s in those instances that I think we more clearly see groups like Occupy Sandy and whoever else come to the forefront as they work with people that are in those demographics.

The way you describe your interests in the bio on your blog is interesting because it brings together topics that one might not always see as being directly connected. One example of this sort of intersection is disasters and gender. I’m wondering if you could explain how you approach exploring that particular intersection?

Something unique about disasters is that all parts of life are affected by disasters in various ways. And so when we study disasters, we really need to be studying all parts of life, which can be very overwhelming. So we like to zero in on topics as much as possible.

One of the areas that really interests me is gender and disasters in particular. But so too with other demographics and disasters, such as race and class, for example. In the same way that we each go through the world every day with our identity, our gender, our race, our class, our education level — all of those things are influencing how we experience the world. And it’s also influencing how the world experiences us. The same is true during a disaster. The way that we are experiencing disasters is going to be different from one another based on the resources that we have, the help that we’re able to receive, or our social networks. So it’s really important for us as researchers to make sure we’re being careful about talking about groups of people as one whole group. We have to recognize how those different demographics intersect with one another — how a woman of color is going to experience a disaster differently than a white woman, for example. While still recognizing that we’re all in the same boat in the sense that we’re all experiencing this disaster. But the way that we experience a disaster is going to vary based on these other factors.

We’ve explored the intersection of disasters with things like class and immigration status in our podcast, for example. But we’ve yet to really explore the intersection with gender. I’m wondering if you have any examples that might help to illustrate that specific intersection?

One example that I use pretty frequently is the increase in domestic violence and reporting of domestic violence after disasters. Of course, any gender can be a victim of disaster violence, but they tend to be women. We see that there is this increased need among women and domestic domestic violence survivors for needing a safe place to stay, for needing resources to keep themselves safe. The disaster itself very often can drive women who have been able to get away from their abuser to go back because they don’t have the resources for housing and funding and transportation. It’s also connected to the stress of recovery and financial constraints of that situation.

We also see an increase of new domestic violence cases during the recovery time period. And so one thing for us in emergency management that is really important is to recognize as one that this is a problem in the first place. Most people don’t know about this increase in domestic violence post disaster — so if you know about it, you can do something about it. We can make sure that in emergency management, a local emergency management agency is reaching out to domestic violence shelters in their community long before disaster ever even happens, for example.

Moving forward, what do you think will be some of the biggest challenges that communities will face as a result of climate-driven and societally exacerbated disasters? What can communities do to increase their resilience or to ensure they are given adequate resources for relief and recovery?

The biggest challenge and most immediate challenge is going to be funding. We’re already seeing how our emergency management system is overtaxed and losing its capacity to respond. Right now we don’t have a plan for how to increase the capacity of the system. One thing I don’t think people have really come to realize yet is how expensive the cost of inaction on climate change is actually going to be, not just as a globe or as a country, but in individual communities. At the local and state level, governments are really dependent on the federal government for disaster related funding. And in the absence of the federal government seriously increasing that funding, a lot of communities are headed for a pretty uncertain future.

My best advice for communities who have a really clear view of how they’re gonna be affected by climate change specifically is to start organizing now. If you’re on the coast, even if you think you have another 10 years before flooding becomes a real problem for your community, start organizing now. Getting funding to do adaptation, to do hazard mitigation, takes a long time. We’re talking years and decades in many cases to get the funding for these kinds of projects. And so the way that you navigate through this huge bureaucratic system to get this funding is by applying public pressure and getting your representatives in Congress to fight for your communities specifically. And so the sooner that you begin organizing, the sooner that your neighborhood can start grassroots organization to start that advocacy work, to start building the relationships, to start understanding the process that you’re going to need to go through to get that funding.

Of course, some communities have more political power, more political sway than other communities — this is particularly true if you’re looking around and you’re in a small community that tends to be ignored. But the reality of the situation is that that begins and ends with us. And so we need to organize and be ready for what the future brings and to navigate those systems.

That’s my number one recommendation for people in terms of climate change broadly.

But more specifically for disaster policy issues: you’ve got to vote. And you need to be paying attention to who you’re voting for. Not just at the national level, but in local elections. It really matters who your mayor is, it matters what they think about the climate crisis and it matters how they understand disasters, how they envision your community needing to change in the future. These are really hard questions, and so you need as many leaders and advocates for your community as you can possibly get. So with local politics, that’s at least one place to start.

[megrimlocke]

Rage

So, here I am, almost a year since my ex dumped me, still yelling at him in my head at least once a week and often more. It’s not a daily thing anymore, thank god for that. Point is that in spite of the healing I’ve done I’m in a place where I need to be honest with my anger. I’ve made a serious effort at focusing this around forgiveness and addressing myself to what I then perceived to be legitimate criticism and to make this year be about growth and regeneration and all that. I’ve demonstrated that I’m not just a loser who can’t make plans for himself with career, I’ve shown that my body isn’t inevitably doomed to smallness and weakness, and I’ve shown that I’m not afraid of responsibility or unable to plan for retirement. I’m a homeowner now, and as of this week my equity has officially increased by 1,000 bucks or so due to my payments, which means that I now own roughly 1% more of my house than I did when I bought it (as I understand this anyway). I have a garden filled with beautiful and fruitful growing things and my cat is healthy and warm and safe. It’s not the home together I thought we were building but I have made a home and a little family of my own, and I’m proud to look after it all. I’ve done a really good job reconnecting with people I lost track of during the relationship or who I alienated in order to meet Chris’s demands of my time or his paranoid jealousy. I was so isolated in the end, I didn’t feel like I could reach out to anyone. I’ve either made one new friend or reconnected with an old one each month since he left, and my life is again a fleshed-out, robust social experience. In the past year I’ve turned to my medical concerns, and by changing the meds I take to manage HIV, my doctor has freed me from what I did not understand was chronic, chemically induced depression. The results in my life have been transformative, literally. He dumped me at 187 pounds with 33% body fat. I wasn’t even a big drinker or anything but I looked like a goddammed gollum. Managing my own endless sadness from the drug and also serving as a buttress for Chris’s anger about his parents or his work or whatever was on the menu that given day withered me. I cannot overemphasize this. When you wake up in the morning and stare at the ceiling and wonder what in the world you’re gonna do to get your feet over the side of the bed the last thing you need is a high-maintenance boyfriend angry about god knows what today. You know you can’t get out of bed because of the eggshells but you also know that if you stay there you will wither and die, so what are you supposed to do? It’s not even breakfast yet and you’re already in crisis. Today, I weighed in at 188 pounds. After having gone down to 170 to lose the fat I’ve eaten like a horse and applied the discipline and added all the weight back as muscle. I could never have done it in so little time on my old medicine, with it’s bone deletion on top of the depression. It would have taken twice as long to do this. My last body fat check put me around 14.5 percent. Not because I need to prove anything to him about my worthiness, but because I’m getting back to the goal and hobby I loved before he turned it into a terrible chore I needed to do in order to be loved. I’ve adopted the view that I and no one else am the most important person in my life and that my time and hobbies should focus around goals that ensure my comfort and happiness. So, while I do indeed remain hung up on this anger, it’s not without reason. I need to acknowledge that constantly accusing me of cheating, demanding that my body be better without giving me the freedom to go to bed, wake up, or go to the gym when I needed to, constantly bombing me with one emotional crisis or another and forbidding me to discuss the relationship with my confidants even as he had lengthy discussions with his about it were not just the childish insecurities of a younger lover. I was stupid to wait around for him to grow out of these behaviors. I should have known that making allowances and giving the excuses and even excising my friendships to satisfy his demands were unhealthy things to do, and that doing them just surrendered more of my autonomy. I was involved in a controlling relationship and I need to say that publicly and without apology or equivocation. I was involved in a controlling relationship with a person who saw me as an accessory, and I need to say that publicly because I can’t go on just quietly being angry about it and waiting for that sensation to subside, because it hasn’t in a year. I need to acknowledge- honestly and publicly- that I am pissed. I’m pissed off about how I was treated, I’m pissed off that I was dumped with the excuse that pursuing career goals and being with me were incompatible after I was specifcally told that he couldn’t handle my taking a career in archaeology because he “couldn’t handle” me being out of town for weeks on end at digs. The irony of that excuse and the truth that he simply wanted to chase dick in bars fills me with fury. I’m pissed off that I was so weak that every one of his misbehaviors I put on other people or apologized for, I’m pissed that I made him so central that I was willing to explain away any stupid way he treated me or other people. I’m pissed off that he had the gall to say “I’m also living with HIV” and make my health concerns and arguably the biggest tragedy in my life into something that was entirely about him. I wasted so much time with psychologists because he told me to talk to them about depression, I was silent about my status around his friends and relatives in order to avoid embarrassing him while he discussed my status with who he wanted and then sought my permission retroactively. I’m angry that I didn’t have the good sense to make my health be about me. I’m most pissed off about the remark because living with HIV doesn’t end when you dump someone. Being in a discordant relationship doesn’t equate to a diagnosis, and if we had discussed my condition honestly then it wouldn’t have been a mystery to his crass, judgmental friend that I needed to disappear every night at 10 because the old drug stopped me being able to drive after dosing. The matter of my survival should not have been made into a discussion about etiquette so that a droning old queen could feign offense. I should never have to apologize for attending to my health. Fuck I might have not even been on the same fucking drug if we’d approached my depression as a drug side effect (it was) and not made it into a counseling mental health issue. But in a relationship in which my judgements and opinions were not relevant, where only his life experiences mattered, the routines and remedies that worked for him- in the gym or in the counseling chair- were the only ones worth considering. Finally, I don’t care if it was in anger over mariokart or if it was because he didn’t wanna horseplay anymore. It was not okay to hit me in anger, not even if I wasn’t meaningfully injured, not even if the stinging went away in a minute or so. It was not okay to go on shouting fits of rage and beat on walls and slam his fists on steering wheels or scream into pillows demonstratively in front of me or stamp his feet when things didn’t go as planned in his work or when there was a disagreement about house work. I am not responsible for his anger issues, and the people who are have not been able to substantially hurt him in years. It’s not about little boy Chris who was treated badly by his parents anymore, it’s about a 220 pound man who can’t control his temper in adulthood. Regardless, it is not about me and it is not my fault. PTSD is not an excuse to lose control with people. Control with people is a litmus for how well one handles PTSD, the ability to get on with other people without fits of rage should be the standard against which one rates recovery for PTSD, not just an expected PTSD thing that the rest of us are responsible for quietly tolerating. I need to say all these things, and I apologize if this posting seems dramatic or demonizing or attention seeking or whatever, but I need to say these things and give voice to my anger because being privately angry has just left me more and more progressively angry and I need to release this in some way. I’ve taken back every other aspect of my life, and yelling at no one during my commutes to work instead of enjoying music or listening to an audiobook is not who I want to be. I want to let this go so that I can be a good boyfriend to whoever I get serious with next, I want to let it go so I’m content in my life. I can’t do that silently on my own like dark clouds that clear, and so I am here to make some noise and just let a storm be a storm.