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astraymetronome · 2 years ago

Text

Anger

A Mother’s Pain in Her Nirvana - Chapter Two

Notes

The song for this Chapter is Ocean Eyes the American Avenue Cover.

Sorry, this chapter took a little longer than expected, I was busy with family and then got sick. On top of that my school has finals and stuff has been kinda busy.

Her son had started to put things away. He did it with the utmost care but put everything that he wouldn’t be using into boxes and just neat piles. Inko didn’t want to watch her son set everything up after he joined her. She felt like crying every time they entered the house since her son had given up.

She was at least a little relieved he seemed to be trying to make sure the people who knew her and know him, have a piece of them both. She watched as he planned out who would get what before he left for school. She followed her baby as he walked, watching their surroundings. A few ghosts waved at her and she smiled back as they continued to walk. Well.. her son walked and she hovered.

Inko watched her son more as she quietly kept an eye on him. She wanted her son to feel safe and completely comfortable in his environment. He passed by the school gate with her on his tail before a voice caught her attention. “Inko?”

Her dull green eyes turned to catch sight of a woman with black hair, pulled up just like she had it when she was alive. Her hair was down now, left that way forever since she was in the middle of doing that when she passed. She didn’t recognize the woman, the black mole on the right side of her face is something someone would remember since beauty marks weren’t all that common or her gray eyes.

“Yes? Do I know you?” She asked as she hovered protectively around her son. She knew the fellow specter wouldn’t be able to harm him, but she still wanted to ensure his safety. Her clothes were torn up and bloody, as most ghosts were, but the hero costume she had on was rather clear. Her white cape and yellow gloves were stained red with her black uniform torn up rather heavily. She didn’t recognize her at all, but she clearly recognized her.

The woman admitted, following her as they both hovered around her child. “That must be Izuku..” She muttered as she got closer. Inko was quick to put herself between them both, glaring. She would protect her child.

“Do not touch him.” She said swiftly. “I do not know you and I don’t know how you know his name.” She added as they entered his classroom. Inko wouldn’t let her near him until she knew who she was at least.

“I’m sorry…” The ghost started as she got closer to Inko, but her attention was pulled away from the apparition as the alive erupted with noise. Laughter was loud as she turned to her child, seeing his blank expression. Under it, she could sense his turmoil and pain but he was so good at throwing a blanket over it and hiding his true feelings like a blackout curtain conceals light. His quirk would normally give him away, but she knew the suppressants he took just numbed his brain and forced him into a haze.

She wanted to pull the spider lily from him as he took it in hand before delicately slipping it into his bag. ”Please stop… Please my Ichigo..” She begged as she watched him close his bag and start up his learning. Inko whipped her forming tears and got up from the ground, floating towards the woman.

”I’m sorry his grief is this bad.” The spectator said as she turned to face her. She wanted to snap at her and say she had no right to talk like that or comment on her son, but she didn’t have the energy for that, so she just blankly nodded and began to observe him once more.

They floated in silence for a while, just listening to the lesson and watching the students work. No one seemed to bother her son for the hour, opting to instead just get their work done which Inko was thankful for. She felt her need for contact flood up as the woman got closer to her and she quietly began to speak.

“I didn’t want him to grow up the way I did.” She said quickly, glancing toward the ghost next to her. The woman seemed to freeze up, so she continued with her story. “An orphan... Abandoned…” She muttered a little bitterly before her voice became softer. “I don’t blame my mother, but the system was horrible… I think I had an older brother, but we got separated so quickly I'll probably never find him.”

Inko was well aware of the tears she’d begun to leak, they didn’t bother her as she brought her hand over. She hovered it over her son’s head, faintly feeling his mass of curls as she gave a small smile. “Either way, I just wanted him to have the childhood I couldn’t… One of a loving home and a safe environment.”

She didn’t understand why she was dumping her feelings onto the other ghost, or why she stayed to listen, but she was going to speak. She wanted someone to know her true feelings. They may be dead to the living but that doesn’t mean they have to be as dead as she is. ”I had my mother’s last name, but there was no record of her. It was almost as if she’d been removed from the world. Either way, I wish he could have known her.. I may not know my mother, or if she’d even be fine with his identity, but I have this gut feeling that she would have loved him.” She admitted as she turned to face her completely.

The specter was crying just as much as she was. Her eyes were wide and full of pain and sadness. She didn’t understand why she was responding in such a way, but she simply gave a soft smile. ”I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Inko…” She started to sob as she pulled her into a hug.

”I left you for your own safety, I knew what I was getting myself into and I didn’t want you both hurting after I passed.” She told her quickly. Inko felt confused as she looked up and the woman continued. ”I failed you as a mother, Izuku as a grandmother, and Yagi as a teacher.”

Inko’s eyes widened as she stared at the specter. From what she was saying, this woman had to be her mother. She felt reluctant as she spoke quickly, wanting some form of proof. ”If you’re my mom, what is my maiden name, and old was I when you gave me up?” She asked quickly as she saw the way she looked over in surprise.

She saw a small smile form on her face as she quickly tried to wipe her eyes. Her tears continued to fall as she spoke up, eager to try and explain. Her emotions seemed genuine and she wanted to be truthful. ”Your last name is Shimura and I... I gave you away when you were three and your brother was six.” She explained softly.

Inko made a small noise as she watched her. She felt conflicted. A part of her wanted to hug her and another part of her wanted to get mad. She wanted to yell and beg her why she gave them up. Her big brother had been 6 and she’d been three. On top of that, she knew her maiden name. She was never adopted, just fostered until she grew out of the system.

“Why. Not just that we weren’t safe. I want to know the reason.” She said quickly. She wanted to know who had abandoned her and why. Her mom shouldn’t have left her and her brother to the wolves but she knew a reason had to exist. She shouldn’t have just abandoned them.

”A villain was after me. I didn’t want him to go after you both, so I gave you away in an attempt to give you a proper life. I would rather have no children than have my child be hurt because of me.” She admitted. Inko didn’t know how to feel about it but she was telling the truth.

”I don’t know how to feel about you... I don’t feel comfortable referring to you as my mother…” She told her as she leaned towards her son. She gave a small sigh as she reached for his hand, unable to grasp it but at least she could graze it. She felt her tears drip once more. She loved her son and made sure he was always aware of that. Her son deserved to feel love after all.

”If you’d feel more comfortable, my name is Nana.” Her mother said simply as she leaned over to watch Izuku. She looked over at Nana and gave a small nod. Inko was done with speaking, she wanted to just observe Izuku and support him from beyond the grave.

________

Inko hovered by her son as he crept down the hall. She was trying to ignore how Nana did the same to her but from a further distance. She was grateful the other Spector was being respectful of her feelings and not really trying to invade her goal. She floated ahead of him, peeking at his desk as he entered the room. She wasn’t surprised by the words that littered the grain. It was upsetting but she wouldn’t be able to remove it no matter how hard she tried.

She watched as he made his way over, dusted the ash away, and got to cleaning the marker away. It was a relief to have him escape punishment for it since it wasn’t his fault in the first place, but the journey home was somber and cold. She hated seeing him so broken and dull. It didn’t fit her little boy. He was the embodiment of kindness and trust, he used to give kids at the park his sweets when they fell and tried to make them feel better however he could. She still remembered those days like they were yesterday. When she watched him slip that keychain into her nephew’s bag, she couldn’t help but sigh. He really was gonna go through with it.

Their trail was long and upsetting. Her son didn’t react to anything, in fact, he almost got hit by a car on his way home. She scolded him despite the fact she couldn’t be heard, but Nana seemed to at least listen to her. She was hovering over him as he unlocked the door to their apartment. She really can’t call it theirs anymore. It’s his now. He closed the door grimly and seemed to just sink into his room.

She didn’t want to be away from him, but her son still had his right to privacy, so she floated over to look around the bare apartment. The only signs of her existence were cooped up in her son’s closet, the clear missing frames were obvious to her on the walls but that was because she’d seen them every day for a decade of her life. Inko wanted to see her child smile again, so after about an hour or two, she caught him sleeping with his head on the window sill, hand reaching near the new vase and flower he had sitting on it.

She would have pulled a blanket over or closed the window if she could, but at least it would be a warm night and nothing cold.

When Izuku woke up the next morning, Inko wasn’t surprised Nana had left to go hover over whoever she’s been watching. She’ll probably come to see them soon enough after who knows how long. She had to leave again, not able to bare watching her son harm himself. She felt her tears once more but they would remain unknown to him. She would have wrapped him up in her arms if she could, convinced him to stop, or made him. Her boy shouldn’t be doing this to himself.

She hated it. It made her feel like a part of her was being stabbed and torn. Inko understood where that feeling was coming from; she’d made him with her body, and held him there for nine months before bringing him into this world. The fact she’d done this and now he was in so much pain hurt her more than any argument they’d had in her lifetime.

She watched as he took care of his wounds, bandaging and treating each cut. She was grateful he had the right of mind to at least take good care of them. Inko floated over him as he got a box of her college and high school yearbooks, pictures of her and Mitsuki, and just anything she’d gotten from her best friend and her family. She softly cried as he left it on their doorstep, not staying long enough to be caught in his vulnerable mindset.

She stayed there for a moment, watching as Katsuki opened the door and lifted up the box. She was well aware of who he was taking it to so she turned away, heading to her son’s school. He would try and get there early but he always ended up waiting till most kids were in the classroom it seemed. He probably did it to avoid the bullying and confrontation.

She was in the room before him, observing as students entered the classroom. It took about five minutes for a small group of them to go up and start drawing on the board. At first, it had piqued her curiosity, a part of her hoped it was an apology to her son but that was quickly ruptured at the sight of a hanging body. The moment she saw one reach for the green chalk, she realized what they were drawing.

”What is wrong with you all?!” She yelled out, trying to wipe the horrid creation away. Inko was well aware of her inability to but she still wanted to try. She had to try for her son. She could feel the lights flicker around her, reacting to her surge of emotions as the kids finished up their creation. She continued to try and stir up the chalk, wanting to ruin the picture. It didn’t work but she didn’t stop until she heard snickers.

Inko watched her son motion to his neck, quietly reaching out to comfort him before a voice broke her dead silence. “Get to your seat."

She watched as her son sat through that horrid sight all day, comments being thrown his way and his eyes just focusing on the ground dully. She gave invisible kisses on his forehead and hugged him as he went through his lessons, just anything to comfort him.

Inko nearly took his teacher’s face off when the man beat his hands before forcing him to clean up the mess his classmates had decorated the board with. She followed him through the rain once he bolted from the school, trying her best to protect him from at least some of the rain. It didn’t work of course, but she still tried. She will always try for him.

She followed him into the apartment, watching as he treated his hands. She wanted to take those hands and cover them with kisses, anything to calm him even a little bit. She had to observe him eat and collapse into bed. She hated it. She hated her afterlife. She hated his suffering. Most of all she hated her ex-husband and all the kids who made her son’s life hell. She wanted to see his smile and his freckled bright face, not his blood and such hurt littering his soft face.

Inko couldn’t help screaming into the night sky. No one would hear her, the dead wouldn’t care and it wasn’t like it mattered. She went for a few hours, no longer able to feel tired or horse from screams. Her voice was so loud it echoed and disrupted the birds but no one could hear her. Her anguish for her son. Her hatred for her death. Not a single soul deserved to experience her hell.

When the sun finally began to rise, she made her way back to her son’s room. He looked the most peaceful since he was a small baby. Her child had never looked like this since he came home for the first time. She didn’t even know he’d be her son yet, but she would have loved him either way. She couldn’t stomach not being able to hold him, laying next to him in his bed and holding him against her ruined body, her chin buried in his curls. She missed the bright smile on his face when he was small enough to be lifted by her quirk.

Inko didn’t move from her position until he woke, sitting up with him as he blankly watched the door of his room. She watched as he broke down, crying silently in the emptiness of the apartment. His words were soft and just barely audible to her. His begging made her heart snap for the hundredth time since she’d passed.

“Please… P-please give her back.” It was so silent she shouldn’t have caught it. She held onto him once more, desperately trying to get him to react to her touch, but nothing happened as always.

”I love you… I love you so much. I’m sorry I can’t be with you, at least not how you are used to. Please forgive me… Please Izuku.” She whispered into his hair, knowing the words would never reach but hoping by some miracle they would.

Izuku had made his way to her favorite flower shop, he really should have been getting to school but she wasn’t gonna bother scolding him for staying from that place. She understood his desire to be as far away from Aldera as possible. She watched him try and buy a bouquet of flowers, lilies of the valley, only to be given them as the owner spoke to him.

“Your mother was one of my favorites, I owed her some. Take them.” Mrs. Beppu told him. That old woman had been a florist here since she was a small girl. She used to stop by often just to talk about flowers. She used to want to be a florist and she’d considered being one once she retired from her vet position.

She wanted to thank her more than anything, for helping her with her pregnancy, being nice to her, and at least being so kind to her son. Inko felt so useless like this. She couldn’t do anything anymore. She couldn’t help hovering over him once more as she kissed his head. She could still smell his shampoo like this and barely feel his soft curls. She missed her son more than she should. She was right next to him after all, but he couldn’t see her. Her son couldn’t hug her or feel her. She hated all of it.

Sobs built up in her throat as they moved, her son quietly humming an old Spanish lullaby she sang to him. She knew he didn’t remember the words, but the fact he at least remembered the melody was enough for her. Her ex-husband had been the one to teach her it and she sang it to her son to remind him of his heritage. Hisashi had been from Puerto Rico and he was half Puerto Rican. She had learned the song by heart to just make his tiny face light up. Her son was so relaxed whenever she sang to him.

As he continued to hum the melody, she quietly sang the words, ”Duerme mi tesoro, (Dream, my treasure,) Duerme muy bien, (Dream well,) que los angelitos te miran, tambéi (may the angels watch over you, too.)” She wanted her son to feel happy and calm once more. Inko observed as he stepped towards her clinic, seeing faded blood stains on asphalt and cement. She saw him sharply inhale before turning away. He probably recognized the location and identified that it was where she’d been killed.

She felt uncomfortable with the area. Her head lowered a little as she moved closer to him, her head pushed against his as she quietly leaned against her son. She knew he wouldn’t be able to feel her or anything like that but to her, it was the thought that counted. When he stumbled into the clinic, her dull green eyes were pulled to a soft shade of broken blue. She didn’t know who he was or who he was with but something about the specter screamed safe. She looked around a little, seeing how he hovered close to a man and a child. Inko hovered over her boy as she looked around, seeing as the ghost got closer to her.

“Is that you?” He asked calmly, she looked up to see his thumb hike towards the picture on the counter. She didn’t really consider her co-workers making an altar for her. She knew Izuku had one hidden in his closet and she watched as he handed them the flowers only for the women to lay them by her picture.

“Yes, I’m Inko.” She said softly as she glanced over at her son, watching as they began to hug him. She felt relieved to see him calm and hoped that, just maybe, he would change his mind.

“Oboro, I’m following my best friends and their kid, I guess that's yours?” Oboro asked her. She gave him a small nod as she watched her son quietly. She felt the man’s gaze soften against her as he spoke up once more. “He’s not doing well, is he?” He asked which made her boil a little bit. He had no right to assume her son’s emotional health.

She was just about to snap at him but, instead, she just sighed and looked back. “Yeah… He isn’t. He hasn’t taken my death well… I’m worried he’s going to join me soon…” Inko told him as she kissed his head once more. Izuku was just quietly letting himself be hugged.

“Sho’ got like that too… He blamed himself for my death so…” Oboro explained as he glanced at the black-haired man. A part of her twinged with jealousy at his care and touch for his child. She sighed as she went ahead nodding.

”He doesn’t have anyone… No one else can see it. I’m the only one who has noticed, seen him bleed himself dry and hurt. He’s planning it. I can see it. That's why he brought the flowers and it’s why he’s giving things away..” Inko spoke out with a shaky breath. She was unsure if he’d be alright and the idea that he would join her in the afterlife this young made her sick.

Inko didn’t notice her tears until the other ghost had his arms around her in a hug. She shook a little as she squeezed him. She knew that Nana was her mother and she hadn’t even considered this with her but this random ghost just made her feel at peace. She was shaking as she quietly squeezed him close. Her head was down as she sobbed once more. ”S-sorry, my son and I are b-both very e-emotional people. H-his quirk even makes those around him feel what he feels, emotionally.” She told him as she saw her son move a little.

Inko pulled away without much thought, her son was gonna leave and she didn’t want to be away from him. “S-sorry… He has school..” She explained as she gave a soft smile. “I-i… Thank you for listening.”

She didn’t think twice before following him. Her eyes were still leaking as she hovered over him and glanced back at the family Oboro stayed by. They seemed to be very caring. She hoped the child grew up well.

When her son entered Aldera, she growled at the way his teacher began to berate him. Her son had entered right as the bell rang. He wasn’t late. Inko really wanted to shout at them. She had always hated this district but Izuku had encouraged her to keep him in the school. She understood he wanted to be Katsuki and that he was scared it would just happen again but at least a new start meant he could have been in a healthier environment. She watched him numbly sit down and pull out his notebook.

After half an hour she watched in horror as her son’s property was stolen from his grip and torn to shreds. She felt anger flood her once again as she tried her best to push the bullies away from her baby. She turned back to him as he trembled and sat back down, his things being hidden safely in his bag. She watched him cry himself to near exhaustion under his go-to hiding place at lunch, not eating for the sake of getting his stress out.

Inko could feel Katsuki’s glare, it wasn’t pointed at her, but she could tell it was pointed at her son. She wanted to grab her baby and pull him away. She watched him as he moved to leave the room. ”You have no idea of the wrath I’ll bring once you get here, Katsuki.” She swore to him before she moved to go and follow Izuku.

She still hovered over him when they returned home only to turn away as she saw her son begin to change for his privacy. She turned back once he opened the window, quietly watching as he sat on the ground to stare blankly out it. He was in one of her shirts, a lavender color with a pattern of daisies. She knew it would be too fem for his preference but she was glad he went to her for comfort, even if it was through her clothes after she’d passed.

Inko kissed his forehead after he fell asleep, gently hugging him as she lay next to him. She could feel him once more and she would relish it while she still could. Her son didn’t deserve to be so lost. He was her bright, kind boy and she never wanted to see him this low. Even worse than seeing him like this is knowing but being unable to help.

Endnotes

The song used within this chapter, Duerme mi Tesoro, is a Puerto Rican Lullaby. I found the piece on a site called Beth’s Notes and I wasn’t very trusting of the translation so I asked my school's Spanish teacher to translate it. I’m pretty sure it’s right at the very least.

#mha #bnha fanfiction #bnha #ghosts #inko midoriya #izuku midoriya #nana shimura #dead inko midoriya #oboro shirakumo #Spotify #our emotions in the night #a mother's pain in her nirvana

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