#Genuinely weirdly intrigued by my own brain tonight... Sort of feel like I should just keep writing and see what comes out

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Day 166: Saudade

(Suadade: a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia that is supposedly characteristic of the Portuguese or Brazilian temperament.) cw? this is a little bit spooky at the end. It's going to need a part 2.

Harry had been sitting beside the hospital bed for so long that he'd gone deaf to the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor. He'd been here so long that he knew perfectly the charm that would turn his hospital chair into a cot, he knew each of the doctors and nurses by name, and he knew that if he asked nicely they would give him the razor and let him shave Draco's face.

It was okay most of them time.

Or at least he tried to tell himself that it was okay. Or that it would be. The hours since Draco had been hit by a stray curse had turned into days, days had turned into weeks, and before he knew it Harry had spent nearly two months at Draco's side.

In those seven and a half weeks, Draco hadn't moved a muscle; hadn't blinked, hadn't squeezed Harry's hand, hadn't done anything.

It bothered Harry, when he allowed himself to think of it, Draco being so still, being so quiet, it wasn't like him. He busied himself with all sorts of things, talking to Draco like at any moment the other man would open his mouth and talk back.

"Hi mate," Ron said from the doorway and Harry looked up from the book of Robert Frost poetry he'd been reading aloud.

"Hey," he said, levitating the bag of yarn and knitting supplies for the blanket he'd been working on off of the other chair so Ron would have a place to sit. "How are you?"

"I think the better question is how are you?" Ron replied.

"Oh, you know," Harry said, his fingers automatically reaching for Draco's, "We're here," he added with a shrug.

"Do you think-" Ron started before he broke off and looked away.

And Harry very much did not like that look or that tone of voice. "Do I think what?" he asked carefully.

"Dr. Miller said she'd come to talk with you about end-of-life measu-"

"We're not there," he interrupted.

(Read more below the cut)

"Right," Ron said, nodding slowly, "Only, she seemed to think-"

"We're not there yet," he growled.

Ron blinked at him and Harry could see the concern in his eyes but couldn't bring himself to accept it. "Mate, you haven't left the hospital in weeks."

"And?"

"You've got things outside of this, you know? A job, a home, family, a life."

"He is my life," Harry managed through the tears that were slicing his vocal cords to shreds and stinging the back of his eyes.

Ron took Harry's hand in his, "Your godchildren miss you. Hermione and I miss you," he added. "Work has been a nightmare without you-"

"I can't," he said. "Ron, don't you get it?" he asked desperately. "He is my life," he repeated. "He is my family. He is my home. I can't leave him. I can't-"

"Harry," he said, voice soft and sympathetic in a way that Harry couldn't stand, "Don't you think he's already left you? The odds-"

"I don't give a flying fuck about the odds!" Harry shouted. "Out," he said, angrily swiping at the tears on his cheeks. "Get out."

"Harry-"

"Get out," he repeated, loud enough that one of the nurses poked her head in.

"Everything alright, love?" she asked Harry.

He looked away, clenching Draco's hand in his.

"Perhaps you'd better go," she said gently to Ron.

Ron sighed, "I'm here when you're ready," he said, clasping Harry's shoulder for a moment.

And Harry burned with anger, with disbelief that Ron was so ready and willing to just let him die, to kill him for all intents and purposes. He didn't say a word as Ron left, just flicked a hand at the door to close it behind him.

"Draco," he whispered helplessly, clutching his hand in both of his and bringing it to his lips to press a kiss to his knuckles. "I can't," he whispered through his tears, begged really. "Please."

He let the tears slip down his cheeks unchecked, waiting.

"Please," he repeated. "I can't do this without you. We have so much to do still," he whispered, choking on the words, choking on his dreams, on what their life was supposed to be. "Come back to me," he pleaded. "Come back."

Harry held his breath, waiting, but nothing changed.

----------------

He fell asleep on his cot next to Draco's bed, arm stretched across the space between them so he could hold the other man's hand. His dreams had been strange in the hospital, time never worked quite right and Harry often woke gasping with the feeling that he was suffocating.

Tonight, though, he fell asleep and the next thing he knew, he was in a meadow outside of a little cabin with a stream running by it. He looked around, listening to the sound of the birds chirping in the trees nearby, the water babbling in the brook, and he took a slow deep breath of the clean air.

"I wondered if you'd show up," a voice that Harry would recognize anywhere said.

And for a moment, he kept his eyes closed, let his heart pound in anticipation before the inevitable disappointment.

"Open your eyes, love," he whispered as fingers brushed over his cheek.

Harry blinked his eyes open and there Draco stood in a pair of white linen pants and an untucked pale blue button up that he'd left partially unbuttoned. His long blond hair was elaborately braided, little braids all worked into one larger braid. And his face was covered in freckles, Harry ached with the desire to kiss each and every one. Merlin, he wanted to hold the other man and never let go, but he couldn't seem to even move.

"It's alright," Draco whispered, fingers tracing his cheek, "You can touch me."

He cupped Draco's hand in his and turned his head to press a kiss to the center of his palm, breathing in his scent, feeling the warmth of his skin.

Draco slipped his fingers through Harry's, "You don't have long," he murmured.

"What?" Harry asked, looking up at him. "What do you mean?"

"The connection," he said, like he wasn't quite sure it was the right word, "It's tenuous. You shouldn't really be able to be here at all, but you've always had an annoying penchant for breaking the rules."

"What?" he repeated, grasping at Draco's words and trying to hold them, "Tell me what you mean," he begged. "Where are we?"

Draco shrugged one shoulder, "I'm not really sure. But I know you're not meant to be able to get here."

"How do I get you out?" he asked next.

"I don't know," Draco replied.

"What do you know?" he asked desperately, because he needed something to go on.

Draco brushed his hair back from his face, "Your hair's getting long," he said softly.

"Draco," he prompted, "What do you know?" He clutched his hand in his, "You've been here for weeks, surely you've figured out something."

"I can hear you sometimes," he said. "Like this afternoon," he added, leaning down to kiss Harry's head.

Harry stared at him, waited for him to say something useful.

"Whatever the barrier is between here and there, it gets thin sometimes," he said. "I can hear you, I can feel you," he added, "But you can't hear me. And I don't know how to find you," he continued softly. "I tried," he said, "I really tried. But there's no way out," he said. "I can't get past-"

The world started to shiver a bit and Harry instinctively clutched Draco's hand tighter.

"You're going to have to go," he said as he peered past Harry, into the woods.

Harry rose to his feet and looked over his shoulder at where Draco was looking but he couldn't see anything. "What is it?" he asked, apprehension tingling in the tips of his fingers.

"I told you that you shouldn't be here," Draco whispered, fingers clutching Harry's arm, "You have to go."

"Why?" Harry asked, turning to look at Draco once more, "What is it?"

Draco's eyes met his and the look in them struck something dark deep inside of Harry, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "You can't stay," he repeated.

"Draco," Harry said, cupping his cheeks, to draw his eyes to his own, "What is it? What are you afraid of? What's out there?"

Grey eyes met his and he opened his mouth to speak but it was too late. The world started to dissolve around the two of them.

"No," Harry said, clinging to the other man, who began to slip through his fingers like sand. "Draco, no!" he cried. "I'll find you," he promised desperately. "I won't let you go. I'll-" he snapped awake, gasping for air like he'd been holding his breath underwater, with Draco's hand still firmly clasped in his.

He sat up and moved closer to the other man, pressing a kiss to his forehead, his cheek, the little mole on his neck, the knuckles of his hand. "I love you," he said, hoping he could hear him or feel him, "I love you so much, Draco," he said, pressing his forehead against the other man's. "And I will find you. I promise."

---------------------------

Welp. This is going to need a part 2

Day 165: Genderqueer | Day 167: Favorite Mug

[anachilles]

» somewhere in the crowd, there’s you  ♪  julie/luke [ juke ]

If they weren’t already dead Julie swore she would kill them. Luke especially.

Actually no, that wasn’t fair. This time she couldn’t completely blame them for what was admittedly a dumb decision on her own part. But see it from her perspective - the boys hadn’t seen the Mamma Mia movies. They didn’t even know of their existence. That had to be remedied.

TL;DR - The boys are introduced to the Mamma Mia Cinematic Universe. Alex spectates, Julie sings ABBA, Luke falls further in love, and Reggie ends up reliving the horror of high school math class. Also BROT4 couch cuddles.

link to read on AO3: [x]

taglist: @wokealex @blueruby31

If they weren’t already dead Julie swore she would kill them. Luke especially.

Actually, no, that wasn’t fair. This time she couldn’t completely blame them for what was admittedly a dumb decision on her own part.

But see it from her perspective - the boys hadn’t seen the Mamma Mia movies. Didn’t even know of their existence. They had just been finishing up a group jam session when she’d made some off-hand joke about them hitting the big-time and having their music turned into a movie-musical series “like ABBA”. Reggie’s face had lit up and he immediately jumped on it, “Wait, they made a movie out of ABBA music?”

“Multiple movies?!” Alex had cut in, looking disbelieving but nonetheless delightfully intrigued.

Luke snorted with laughter, throwing his hands up as he turned to look at Julie. “That’s it - I know what we’re doing tonight” he exclaimed, and pointed at her “Do you have them on ta-”

He catches himself before he can finish the word ‘tape’, but Julie’s eyes still narrow, her own smile now challenging. The boys really weren’t that bad at picking up the basics of modern technology, but slip-of-the-tongues still happened and Julie loved to tease them about it. Luke most of all just because he always dogged the other two the most about it when they did it. Also, perhaps a little bit, because he was kind of cute when he got all defensive.

“On what, now?”

Luke floundered for a second, and Alex and Reggie traded a look between them. Suddenly though, a lightbulb dinged above his head and his expression turned smug.

“DVD! Do you have them on DVD”

Julie laughed, making what was meant to be a loud ‘buzzer’ sound. “Wrong answer! Not the most up-to-date form of media storage, but nonetheless thank-you for playing”. Her expression softened though when she heard Alex and Reggie hound him a little behind her, “However, we do have them on DVD because my dad likes having physical copies of stuff”.

She was about to leave to go grab them from the house, only the time on her phone caught her attention and her heart sank.

“Hey guys, I can go get them for you but I don’t think I can stay the whole way through both. I’ve got school tomorrow.”

All three boys erupted in protestations, Luke’s notably the loudest of all, though on Alex’s suggestion she conceded to stay for at least the first one, then they’d pick up the second one tomorrow or something. 

Honestly, it hadn’t taken nearly as much convincing as it should have. 

She just really needed to physically be there to witness the three of them watching Meryl Streep jump off a pier to the tune of ‘Dancing Queen’ and Pierce Brosnan absolutely butcher ‘The Winner Takes it All’ for the very first time. Also, talking to them about the movies had made her realise it had been way too long since she’d last watched them herself, and they always made her feel so light and happy. As silly as it may sound, the care-free, sunshiney tone but with genuine moments in them had helped carry her through some really dark days. Since then, they’d always been comforting to return to.

So that’s how she ended up squished on the beat-up old studio couch with three ghost boys from the 90’s, having the absolute pleasure of seeing them react to ‘Mamma Mia’ for the very first time. It was a bit of a tight squeeze, and required Reggie to be sitting with one leg straddled over the arm of the couch and the rest of him pretty much glued to Luke’s side, but they made it work.

Although just as she was getting herself comfy in her spot between Alex and Luke, something niggled at the back of her mind. Something she forgot to do? Maybe? She wracked her brain for a couple of minutes, but her attention quickly and all-too-easily drifted to the screen as the opening chords of ‘Honey, Honey’ sounded, like some sort of siren call, and she couldn’t help but mouth along to the words. She knew them pretty much by heart.

What certainly didn’t help with her cognitive functioning however, is when during ‘Money, Money, Money…’ she felt Luke shift where he was pretty much flush against her side and his arm stretch out behind her neck. His hand settled somewhere near her shoulder; teasingly close but not quite touching it. Her heart rate kicked up a notch, but she was determined to keep her eyes on the screen in front of her, daring not to look his way or even let on that she noticed.

The boys were touchy-feely and generally very physically affectionate with each other, she knew that just from generally being around them these past couple of months. Julie had always found it really sweet and endearing, how unashamedly tactile they were with each other, but at the same time couldn’t help but feel left out as her own friendships with all of them got deeper and she grew closer to them all. Now that they were corporeal, at least to her, suddenly she’d become privy to all that as well.

Now she couldn’t imagine not being able to do stuff like hold their hands during band circles, or not knowing the utter warmth of Alex’s hugs (it was undisputed that he gives the best ones) when he noticed she’d had a tough day at school, or even what it felt like to not have Reggie gleefully grab her hands, or arm, or shoulders when he got super excited about something.

She’d already been falling hard for Luke before when she couldn’t physically feel him under her fingertips. For all intents and purposes wasn’t fully there there, but now? When she’d felt the brush of his body behind her when he’d lean over her shoulder to look at sheet music, or his thigh press up against her leg as they shared a piano stool during their little lyric brainstorming sessions? When they could high-five, lean into each other’s side, playfully shove each other when one thinks the other is being annoying, grab each other’s hands and dance around the room in celebration when they manage to book another gig? All those little moments they could have now added layers to what she already felt.

However, even if she felt something between them, that spark,  and her gut told her Luke possibly felt so too, Julie also couldn’t deny that that kind of affection wasn’t any different to the kind he showed towards Alex and Reggie too. Plus, she didn’t really know how ghosts felt about having relationships, especially with the living, or if Luke would even want to go there. So she tried not to read too much into what kind of felt like Luke pulling that old “arm around shoulder whilst distracted by the movie” move.

So although she never really could forget how close he was, Julie let herself become immersed back in the movie. Her life was generally good, labels and certainty or not, she was happy. The happiness of the movie fed into that. The boys seemed to be having a hoot with it as well, if how much Alex especially was grooving in his seat was any indication.

Julie’s not quite sure what possessed her to say it in the moment, or what she expected to transpire when she did, but when they got to the ‘Super Trouper’ scene coming straight off of the, uh, heaviness of ‘Lay All Your Love on Me’ (during which Luke went weirdly quiet for some reason, prompting Alex and Reggie to share a fleeting look over the top of both his and Julie’s heads) and the opening chords sounded she blurted out 

“Oh, this used to be my karaoke song when I was a kid”. 

Luke’s eyes immediately went wide and she knew she was in trouble. He quickly urged Reggie to grab the remote and pause the movie, ignoring Alex’s soft “Hey, I was watching that!”, before turning his attention fully towards her.

“Well now you have to do the routine; get on up there and show us what you’re made of!”

Julie’s jaw hung open a little and she wasn’t sure whether she could really be annoyed at anyone but herself for practically handing this to him on a silver platter.

“No! I really don’t…” she tried to argue, though his mischievous smile was infectious and damn her lips threatened to twitch into a smile too. “It’s been years! And anyway, I only bust it out for audiences that are deserving of it”.

Luke met her with a challenging gaze. “Bet it’s cause you don’t know the words” he said, turning to Reggie, his tone dripping in antagonism. “Hey, did you hear that the great Julie Molina won’t perform because she doesn’t know all of the words to Super Trouper by ABBA?”. Reggie’s eyebrows shot up and he immediately played along. “Y’know what? I actually did hear that somewhere. Huh…”.

Julie shot a withering look at Alex, a wordless “Can you do anything?” shining in her eyes, but he has the nerve to just shrug (!) with a silent, smiling “I’ll allow it”.

She could’ve got them to drop it if she really had wanted them to, she knew that. Maybe Julie from three months ago would have. Actually, no, that version of herself definitely would have made them drop it; the darkness shrouding her life day-in, day-out smothering any semblance of silly, carefree happiness and convincing her that simply having fun just wasn’t for her.

But she didn’t feel like that anymore.

Julie pulled herself to her feet, eyes fixed with new determination. She crossed the room to the open space, taking a stance mirroring that of the one they’d paused Meryl Streep in and fixed Luke with a playful glare, even though she was addressing Reggie.

“Unpause the movie”.

The performance was one for the history books, if she did say so herself. The boys watched on in amazement as she remembered every word, near enough every step and dance move (the big sleeve shimmy was an interesting one though with sweater sleeves nowhere near dramatic enough to match Donna’s) and personally she thought she sold it.

About halfway through Alex snuck a glance at Luke by his side, and realised karma must be having a slow night given how fast it was paying the other boy back, because he was undeniably staring at Julie with what was clearly pure, open adoration.

“‘Cause somewhere in the crowd, there’s yooooou” she finished with a flourish, heart thumping, and lowered her arm to point at all three of them in turn, but finishing ultimately on Luke even though he was sat in the middle. His face scrunched up with a cheesy smile and he let out a loud whoop of appreciation, kicking off the round of applause before the other boys joined in, Reggie coming in clutch with the standing ovation and everything.

Julie felt breathless but joyful as she flung herself back into her seat, and Luke leaned forward to grab her soda, handing it to her with what looked like contrition.

“I guess I stand corrected, huh?” he said, defeated, but not entirely sorry to be so.

She shrugged, taking a sip of the drink. “I guess you are. It’s a good look on you”.

Luke snorted with laughter and they laughed together for a brief second, an apparent blush rising to sit on his cheeks (Could ghosts blush? How did that even work?).

Before the situation could get weird or questionable though, he turned back towards the movie, but slowly. Like he wasn’t quite ready to leave this moment just yet; like he wanted to stay looking at her just a bit longer. Julie just nudged him and settled back in, trying to go about it in such a way that would implore him to put his arm back around her like he had before.

It didn’t come until the scene where Bill confesses to Sophie that he thinks he’s her father, but eventually that now familiar weight settled behind her head again, setting off a whole herd of butterflies in her stomach.

The first movie came to an end, and things wouldn’t have been awful if she’d just called it a night there and gone to bed. But she was having so much fun and they were all so comfy, and the boys seemed very excited for the prospect of a half-prequel-half-sequel.

“Surely they’ve already used all the good ABBA songs in the first one though, right?” Reggie argued, causing Alex to swing round to look at him, scandalised.

“Are you insinuating that there’s a bad ABBA song?”

While they hashed it out in the background, Luke backing Reggie up just to get a rise out of Alex, Julie acted on impulse and jumped up, running towards the garage window. All the lights in the house were out, meaning her dad was already in bed and everything. As long as she was super quiet sneaking back in and remembered to bypass that squeaky floorboard on the stairs, he never had to know.

“Alright; Here We Go Again - let’s do this”.

Turns out Julie had kind of underestimated how late it was and how long the day had been. She could feel herself getting tired around the ‘Waterloo’ mark, eyelids growing heavier and heavier as she gradually sunk lower and relaxed deeper into the couch. By the time young Donna makes it to the Kalokairi her head had come to rest in the crook Luke’s neck, his flannel soft under her cheek as his cheek leans against the top of her head. Maybe it was a testament to how sleepy she was, but she couldn’t bring herself to move away. The posture felt natural.

She was so comfortable, surrounded by warmth and the soothing hum of the old second-hand TV they’d bought at a garage sale and moved into the garage, she was right on the verge of dozing off… when a realisation crashed into her mind, seemingly out of nowhere.

Julie shot up poker-straight, suddenly very awake. “Oh, crap!”

The three boys startled, most of all Luke when her movement meant he almost fell face-first into the couch cushion.

“What is it?!”

She groaned and fell forward into her hands. “I have a math test tomorrow. And I was going to study for it before bed tonight.”

So that’s how she ends up with Reggie hanging uselessly over her shoulder in the middle of math class, the exchange that came after the realisation still ringing in her ears.

“Hey, hey! It’s fine. Take Reggie - believe it or not, he was good at math” Luke offered up hurriedly.

Reggie himself looked a little stricken. “Yeah, 25 years ago, dude!”.

“Do the rules of math go out-of-date, or…?” Alex teased, though still placed a comforting hand on Julie’s back.

“No, Alex, they don’t - so relax, you’ll be fine, man! You can’t make the situation any worse by trying”

“Don’t give him that challenge, Luke”.

Though admittedly she loved him just for actually turning up and trying, he was staring down at the test with as much confusion as she was. Apparently math had changed over the course of 25 years. They exchange a mutually panicked look. Clearly, neither of them knew shit. Instead, Reggie just runs up to the front of the room and peeps on Mrs Ford’s answer sheet, Julie’s hopeful eyes following him as he dodges around desks and backpacks lying on the floor.

“Are you sure?” she mumbles to him under her breath when he gets back. Apparently not quite low enough though, when the guy next to her turns to give her a funny look, and she has to make a show of furrowing her eyebrows and counting on her fingers, muttering appropriately as she goes.

Julie can feel Flynn’s discerning gaze from across the room and she knows she knows there’s some ghost-like foolery happening. It’s a mess. She’s a mess.

Eventually the bell sounds and signals an end to the ordeal, and Julie takes out her (locked) phone to genuinely thank Reggie for his help all the same.

“Ehhh I’m not sure how much help I was, but you’re welcome” he says, laughter coloured with self-deprecation.

Julie smiles genuinely, and she would’ve nudged him if she wouldn’t have been nudging thin air in public. “Hey, I think we got about three quarters of those answers down and that’s 75% more than I would’ve gotten without you”.

Reggie looks pleased, and stands up a little straighter as he walks alongside her. “Do you mind if I hang out here for a while, by the way?”

Julie’s a little taken aback. “I mean, sure, but why would you want to? It’s just school”.

Reggie shrugs, and there’s something unreadable in his eyes. It’s weird for him; he’s generally such an open book. “I don’t know. I never graduated, we were still going when we… y’know…” he trails off, eyes scanning the halls and the throngs of students laughing and chatting together at their lockers, going about their normal day. “Kind of miss it”.

“Well, you obviously have free reign to look around wherever you want. If you want me to show you anywhere in particular, just let me know. I’m meeting Flynn for lunch now though, so that might not be as fun for you...”

The way he says it makes something ache in Julie’s chest, and she wishes she could give him a hug. With the boys so real now, and so immersed and predominant in her life, it was getting easier and easier to somewhat forget that they were actually dead and had both led and left lives behind. Being reminded of that was starting to hit her that little bit harder.

Reggie nods sincerely, mirroring her slight chuckle. “Thanks, Julie”.

Approaching the cafeteria, Julie sees Flynn in the distance, and is about to put her phone away when she suddenly stops in her tracks, and keeps it held to her face.

“By the way…” she smirks. “If Alex or Luke ask, I scored a 95 and it was all down to you”.