#Gansey can't wake himself up

[clotpolesonly]

Blue Lily, Lily Blue ch 47 // The Raven King ch 67

[earthwoken]

it  wasn't  that  adam  liked  them.  it  was  more  about  them  liking  him,  serving  a  purpose  for  him,  but  explaining  this  to  ronan  wasn't  an  option,  because  he  wouldn't  be  able  to  understand.  ronan  would  never  yield  a  part  of  himself  to  make  other  people  comfortable,  adam  felt  like  he'd  been  doing  that  his  entire  life.  “  i'm  still  friends  with  gansey.  ”  hand  absentmindedly  touched  the  hem  of  his  vest,  something  that  once  used  to  belong  to  him.  “  and  i  seem  to  recall  you  once  called  me  and  blue  poverty  twins,  but  i'm  still  dating  you.  ”  there  was  no  hiding  the  underlaying  exasperation  to  his  voice,  but  there  was  something  softer  too.  having  ronan  around  felt  like  waking  up  from  a  dream,  like  harvard  was  an  illusion  and  this  was  reality.  

adam  can't  picture  himself  having  everything  he  wants  without  sacrifice.  his  boyfriend  close  by,  a  future  in  harvard.  it  sounds  too  good  to  be  true.  but  he  allows  the  insecurities  to  drift  by  momentarily  and  enjoy  the  moment,  relax  against  ronan's  touch  where  he  feels  safe.  a  hand  presses  against  his  cheek,  a  reminder  that  this  is  real.  “  yeah.  we'll  figure  it  out.  ”  a  promise,  as  much  as  he  can  allow  himself  without  risking  disappointment  if  it  doesn't  work  out.

“   i just don’t see how you like them.   the shit they said back there…   you’ve fought with gansey for less.   ”   ronan looks at adam,   eyes searching his face for emotion.   something heavy and uncomfortable tugs at his heart.   insecurity,   dread,   uncertainty.   the realization that he’ll have to change if he doesn’t want to be left behind.   they’re not new worries by any means;   they’ve been nestled inside the dreamer for months.   their hazy summer had distracted him from it well enough.   late-night dreaming,   impatient kisses,   barn repairs,   swimming until they exhausted themselves.   repeat.   but everything works until it doesn’t.   it all came to an inevitable end.   now they stand here,   reality pressing in all around them,   neglected feelings threatening to spill over. 

when adam grabs his hand,   every ugly feeling momentarily dissipates.   a nod.   back to square one.   there’s so much more they need to discuss,   but ronan doesn’t want to argue right now.   he leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to his boyfriend's forehead.   it’s soft and lingering,   a moment to savor.   “   i’ll get an apartment close by.   you’ll never have to miss me again.   i mean it.   ”

[shayberri789]

I really enjoy character analyses and metas. Like if I had a choice, those are the only essays I would’ve written in high school - not that I'm any good at writing them lol. My thoughts are there but they always end up rambly and long. As it is, I have Ronan lynch braintrot as the moment. And I'm about to make it your problem.

(Very long and slightly all over the place character breakdown of Ronan's relationships, with a particular focus on his relationship with grief, Gansey, and the moment in bllb where he dreams in the church with adam)

My dad and I are listening to bllb together atm, and just passed the moment where Ronan dreams Greenmantle’s “crimes” for Adam, and how upset he was over it, and I just had to pause and rant about it because:

Ronan is so horrifically traumatized, but despite how he presents himself he is NOT a bad person. As Adam puts it: “When he wasn’t trying to look like an asshole, his face looked very different…” and “How appropriate it was that Ronan, left to his own devices, manifested beautiful cars and beautiful birds and tenderhearded brothers, while Adam, when given the power, manifested a filthy string of perverse murders.” (Bllb) Ronan is a hufflepuff character (I will FIGHT you on this). He “doesn’t do casual friendships,” he’s hardworking (look at the work he does at the barns! How long he worked to dream the car for gansey!) and he’s so, so loyal. He’s devout to his brother, to gansey, to Adam, to his family. He shows a tender love for nature (cabeswater, chainsaw, the animals at the barns). Ronan, at his core, is a soft character.

Now imagine this boy, this CHILD, 14 years old, innocent, and yeah he’s got the hard edges from his father but they’re tempered by love and youth and he’s just a BOY. A boy who’s best friend is hunting a magical king, a boy who’s magical himself and forced to hide it, a boy who’s father is magic and he loves him more than the whole world - and one day he wakes up and sees the man he loves most dead in his care, murdered brutally and he thinks “I was close enough to help. I could’ve helped” (he is a CHILD, and his survivors guilt tells him he should've somehow stopped his dad being murdered??) and is he given time to grieve? NO. His brother - a liar, a distant boy (because Declan was like. 16/17 and I’m still young myself but even I know that at that age you’re a child too and Declan was already knees deep in his fathers business, with the knowledge that his father was murdered to make HIM give up his brother to a collector and that’s trauma too and now with his father dead he has to step into his shoes and protect his family and he wasn’t given time to grieve either—but that’s a different post) - has never been much of a brother to Ronan and in his grief he distances himself further, and he is not in a position to be a brother anymore, never mind handle Ronan’s violent grief. If he could ever, he can’t anymore.

And now Ronan has lost his father, and in a matter of days he loses his brother completely, his mother, his home, every piece of stability and support he could have had. And on top of this, he has to hide his dreaming (and dreamers can't not dream - they'll die), and he can't accept his sexuality yet, and he's dealing with the trauma of seeing his father's corpse, and his home and family, and he's dealing with grief and survivor's guilt. That is a LOT to put on a 14/15yo boy. And he doesn't have any support, or coping mechanism, and people already have this idea of him and he slips into self loathing (Night horrors? I read someone explaining how they're a representation of his self hatred - I mean, in tdt he says "they [the night horrors] hate me" and Opal says "Ronan, why do you hate you?" - and when gansey finds him and thinks he attempted suicide bc of a nightmare - he pretty much did, via subconscious) and he drinks and he races and he hardens his edges and hides every soft, vulnerable part of himself.

And in the middle of it all is Gansey - strong, reliable gansey, who has been living with death his whole life, who has a dream stronger than anything Ronan can imagine, and Gansey who is the pillar of stability in the group. It is Gansey who repeatedly looks out for his friends' mental and physical wellbeing (even at the cost of his own quest of own wellbeing - and this boy is SUCH an interesting character and I relate a lot to him and one day I AM going to write a character breakdown). It is Gansey who reassures them when they're shaken in Cabeswater "the trees speak latin" sign, with the camero, with Gwenllian's cave (and other scenes I can't think of off the top of my head). It's gansey who repeatedly comforts people in their grief (Noah, Maura (disappearance), persephone, when Ronan's mom died), and it is Gansey who Ronan moves in with after Niall's death. It is Gansey who puts a "leash" on Ronan, who continuously manages to understand Ronan even at his strangest, most broken, and Ronan is almost devoted to him. Most people can't muster enough understanding and empathy for ronan to see past his exterior and understand him. Gansey is always the pillar of stability in Ronan's life, and honestly I think that for all Ronan mockingly calls gansey "dad', Gansey has stepped up to fill the role Niall left. Gansey is the only one that Ronan will always listen too, the only one who can call him off a fight, and when Ronan once again loses his mother in trk, Gansey is the one he once again turns to for direction and support -

'"Ronan," [Gansey] said. The gentle way he said it nearly made Blue cry. [...] In a very low voice, Ronan replied, "I'm waiting for you to tell me what to do, Gansey. Tell me where to go." [...] Gansey said, "I don't know how to find Glendower." / "You do, Gansey," Ronan replied, voice uneven for the first time. "I know you do. And when you're ready to find him, I'll be sitting right here, waiting to go where you tell me."

Okay but how much Ronan is in pain here and how much he trusts Gansey and how loyal he is to him honestly makes me cry even after reading this series genuinely upward of 15 times. Anyway, when in trb Declan says "Remind Gansey of that . No Aglionby, no Monmouth," and Adam thinks '"then you've killed him [Ronan]," [...] He couldn't imagine Ronan living under a roof without Gansey, period' - he's right. At this point in his life, Ronan cannot survive without Gansey. Gansey is the truest brother Ronan has at the moment - because while Matthew adores him, and he matthew, the boy is a dreamthing and a child, and on some level I think Ronan knew this (and I think Matthew, and Ronan's love for him, is one of the big motivations for Ronan to keep trying to stay alive between Niall's death and trk); and Declan has for a long time stopped being family to Ronan. And when Gansey falls down the hole in the Cave of Ravens in bllb, Ronan even says it - "Do you hear me Cabeswater? You promised to keep me safe. Who are we to you? Nothing? If you let [Gansey] to die, that is not keeping me safe. Do you understand? If they die, I die too." Ronan is a boy who's quite literally lost eveything before, including most of his family, and he wouldn't survive losing the one he's built - especially the pillar on which is rests.

WHOOPS I got side tracked into a meta about Gansey and Ronan's relationship. This is why every essay feedback I got in hs consistantly had "practice consiceness".

ANYWAY BACK TO THE TOPIC:

So Ronan is a deeply traumatized person, but he's a boy who's actually good at his core and he's just and loving and loyal and hardworking (he is a hufflepuff your honour. He does not care about chivalry, bravery or righteousness (or right and wrong - he only cares about being fair and just) - he values loyalty, hardwork, fairness, and trust. Idgaf what Maggie said - Noah and Ronan are hufflepuffs, Blue is a gryffindor, Gansey is a ravenclaw, and Adam is a slytherin. But that is also a different post). And a key trait for ronan is his fairness, and that he never tells a lie - because he already lives with so many of them. And at this point in bllb, Ronan has accepted his father's death somewhat, he has accepted and embraced his dreams, and his sexuality and feelings for Adam. He has mastered his self hatred, he has recovered so much and grown so much, and now this boy (who he STRAIGHT UP SAYS IS AN OBJECT OF HIS DEVOTION TOO!!!) asks him to go against his nature and dream something horrible, and lie - this boy he "worships" asks him to do this in his sacred space of worship, under the eyes of Mother Mary (side note: hello symbolism! He is 'sinning' to himself with his dreams, while the only parent he has left is his mother, who herself is a dream-thing - did anyone else catch this or am I grasping at straws? lol) - of course Ronan is upset. Of course he has a nightmare ("I tried for too much at once," Ronan said from the pew. His words were short, clipped. He was trying not to look like he cared about watching himself die [side note he was actually upset about what he was dreaming, but Adam didn't understand this. I'll talk about it later] [...] "It wasn't the sort of thing - the sort of thing I normally dream about, and everything got agitated. The night horrors came..." - Cabeswater is connected to Ronan, it mimics his subconscious - the dream was agitated bc Ronan hated what he was doing - and the night horrors returned and tried to kill him.

And Adam - who's lived with horrors and violence his whole life, and who's been so wrapped up in himself the last three books because all he's ever had his whole life is himself and a constant motto of "keep going, bare it, keep surviving" and hasn't been able to develop very good empathy yet either - he doesn't quite understand what's going on in Ronan's head. He thinks he's upset about Ronan watching his double die - because to Adam, that has always been the worst case scenario for himself (dying - it all being for nothing). He doesn't understand how far outside of Ronan's nature he's asking Ronan to go, and ronan knew what would happen when he did it - he knew he'd dream something dangerous and he could bring it back but Adam wouldn't leave. So not only does Ronan have to focus to bring so many things back, he has to go so far against his nature to do so, and on top of that he has to keep Adam in mind and keep him safe. Ronan is upset because he had to lie, that adam asked him to lie, and that he very nearly could have killed him both, and Adam doesn't quite understand. Adam (understandably, from his perspective and understanding) gets defensive, and Ronan says "I didn't say it was your fault. I said get the hell away from me." - What he meant was he needed a moment alone to pull himself together, to calm down, but he's upset and frightened and disgusted with himself and a wreck - and the way he phrased it wasn't quite right.

Ronan is a flawed and such an interesting character, and I adore his arc and his relationships with his family and with himself and Cabeswater, but I think this is long enough, so you can have my thought-spew as it is and Maybe I'll be back with the rest of the gangsey.

[emmerrr]

prompt idea: "i'm here without you and i dream about you all the time" 🥺😢 i listened to 3doors down and now i can't stop thinking about pynch the lyrics are perfect i need something sad but sweet or pining ronan 101 😂 he he love your writing!! If you don't want to do this just ignore me :D have a good day ☀️

aw you’re so sweet thank you! i sort of hate that song so it’s not gonna be related exactly, but i can absolutely give you pre-relationship pining ronan!

-

Adam looks tired.

Adam almost always looks tired to be fair, but this is slightly different, like something’s pushed him over the edge, and Ronan can tell as soon as Adam opens the door that he is tired.

“You look like shit,” is what Ronan says instead, and Adam rolls his eyes, stepping back to let Ronan in.

He does not ask Ronan what he’s doing here, showing up close to midnight. He does not look surprised at Ronan’s presence. “Keep it down,” is all he says. “I haven’t finished the homework yet.”

“What homework,” Ronan asks with absolutely no inflection.

“The--” Adam sighs and shakes his head. “What’s the point in telling you, you won’t do it anyway.”

“An astute observation, Parrish.” Ronan kicks off his shoes and goes to grab his sleeping bag, left here for his many unannounced sleepovers.

It goes quiet while Adam resumes his homework at his makeshift desk, and Ronan busies himself getting comfortable. Part of him wonders what he’s doing here, whether he’s just a glutton for punishment, getting as close to Adam as possible without giving the game away entirely.

Except it’s not a game, not really. And if it were, Ronan’s the loser, undoubtedly.

He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, maybe. Waiting for the day that he shows up and Adam tells him to go away, or just doesn’t even open the door.

But instead, time after time, Adam lets him in. Shares his space. Accepts a share of the snacks Ronan brings with him. Either lets Ronan distract him, or studiously ignores him. But never, ever, turns him away.

Not for the first time, Ronan tells himself it doesn’t mean anything. That Adam is just so desperate for company that even Ronan’s will do. Getting his hopes up is absolutely the worst thing he could do to himself, but foolishly he can’t help it. Not when every laugh he draws out of Adam feels like a personal victory. Not when he now spends more time with Adam than he does with anyone else, even Matthew, even Gansey.

“I can’t concentrate,” Adam mutters, rubbing his temples.

“Well, obviously,” Ronan says, glad to be brought out of his own head, however temporarily. “You’re completely fucking exhausted.”

He’s expecting to be snapped at, because isn’t that his role here? To goad Adam, jab at him, remind him he’s a human fucking person?

But instead Adam laughs, dry and humourless. “Too fucking right.” He looks up, right at Ronan, something searching in his expression.

Ronan’s struck dumb for a moment. He doesn’t know how to be the supportive friend; he doesn’t have the right platitudes to say, and he doubts Adam would want to hear them from him anyway.

All he can say in the end is, “Go to bed, Adam.”

Maybe he was always going to, maybe it’s because Ronan didn’t say anything shitty for once, or maybe it’s the rare use of his given name that gets Adam moving. All Ronan knows is that Adam nods, gets up and turns his light off, and crawls onto his mattress, curling up under his threadbare duvet.

It takes a couple of minutes for Ronan’s eyes to adjust in the dark. When they have, he rolls over onto his side, assuming Adam has already fallen fast asleep.

He’s not though; his eyes are open too, and they meet Ronan’s. Ronan starts, but doesn’t look away. This feels like new territory, and he doesn’t know what to do with it.

Adam smiles a little, the first glimmer of one Ronan’s seen from him all day, and he yawns, letting his eyes close at last. “G’night, Ronan.”

Ronan reaches his hand across the floor, letting it settle in between them. It feels as close as he’ll ever get.

“Night, Parrish.”

He wakes up first, the early light of dawn creeping through the window. Adam is sleeping steadily, breathing deep and even. His fingers are half an inch from Ronan’s, reaching right back.

[leezuhh]

I JUST FINISHED THE RAVEN KING AND ASFHFUSKOXPSOSOSKSK EVERYONE WAS DYING

(tags have more info, spoilers even tho everyone else has prob long since finished this series)

[whichcouldmeannothing]

i gave declan a cake (trc linked)

Declan Lynch is a busy man.

He has lists upon lists crossing over his mind. His phone buzzes every 5 minutes, a new meeting or a new task pulling his attention. He's connected to his work, to his family, to school. He wakes up in the morning, a to do list in his mind and a dedication to get it done. He can’t risk slipping up, can’t risk slowing down and having the horrible things he runs away from catch up to him.

He grumbles internally, the composed man he is, as he drives home. The cool air of the car blows onto him, but it does nothing to stoke the rage brewing under his skin. Ronan was supposed to text him back, because he does care about his edgy brother and because he’s not handing up assignments, and he actually shouldn’t drop out of anything, be it school or whatever cliff him and Gansey are at. His group members were supposed to text him back, but they’re all out partying and wasting time and acting their age somewhere else and now Declan has a presentation to finish all by himself, to keep his GPA the perfect unnoticeable number it has to be for him to survive.

Oh, and Matthew’s hungry.

deklo u forgot to buy food :(, the message read when he finally left the library. Matthew is his responsibility, his ward, his brother and his visitor this weekend. And smart, responsible, busy Declan forgot to feed him. He stops thinking about whether dreams even eat, as he takes a detour to some McDonalds, because of course he needs to add to Matthew's collection of Happy Meal toys. He knows how out of place he looks in a drive-thru, him in his grey suit and styled hair.

The drive home is quiet, but Declan's mind is anything but.

Because there's this feeling that he's forgetting something. It starts as a tiny little feeling, something pulling at the back of his mind, but he can't even think of what it could be. He shuffles through his mind, like a guy with a file cabinet. It feels important, but he can't find it.

It frustrates the hell out of him.

He misses having a girlfriend, but when the last one walks out because you wrote the wrong last name on a floral arrangement, the hassle just isn't worth it. But he misses being remembered, feeling like he's somewhere, planted firmly beside someone, who he doesn't have to do meticulous work and research just to keep them alive and liking him.

But thank God, Matthew comes over every weekend. Like clockwork, Matthew Lynch in his garish clothes and overnight bag shows up at his apartment, watching Saturday cartoons on the floor. Mathew's consistent and makes Declan feel human. Plus, it's easier to look after Matthew when he's confined to one space, like a baby being placed in a brownstone crib.

He steps out of his Volvo, and enters the building. The elevator hums as he stands. What is he forgetting? Is it a school thing? A work thing? Is something going on with Ronan? (Something is always going on with Ronan.) Is something going to finally realise what he's done and shoot him in the head?

He puts his key in, turns the knob and his heart freezes.

The apartment is dark.

Matthew should be home by now, because he's reliable. Matthew should be in the living room, glued to the screen and loudly chewing snacks. All his brain can think of is Matthew Lynch, where is he what happened did someone take him, and how long it would take to get the gun he stashed under the dresser beside the door and shoot whoever has his baby brother. He quietly sets his bag down, his fingers finding the small little weapon he keeps.

The light flashes on in the kitchen and Declan shoots up, levelling his gun at-

“Happy birthday!” He drops the gun as fast as possible because sweet adorable darling Matthew is grinning at him from behind the counter. He’s holding the worst cake Declan has seen in his life. Cheap streamers hang taped from the fridge. A plastic party hat sits on Matthew’s blonde curls.

Something twists in Declan’s heart.

He steps closer to the kitchen, his heartbeat slowing down. He was overreacting, it was just his brother. Just his brother.

Matthew starts talking. “Sorry, I don’t know who to invite, because I don’t know your friends, so it’s just me! Sorry.” Declan doesn’t have the heart to tell him he wouldn’t have had to invite anyone. Matthew lays down the cake. “It’s boxed, because I don’t know how to bake, and frosting it was hard, so uh, it’s just sprinkles.”

It is just sprinkles. The cake is covered in yellow frosting, a shaky little smile on the top with black frosting. Clearly, Matthew tried something else in the black frosting, but scrubbed it out. He can actually barely see the smile over the sprinkles covering most of the cake. Ordinarily, Declan would sneer at something so unrefined. But right now, he can barely hold in his tears.

“I tried to get Ronan,” Matthew fishes out his phone from his pocket, quickly swiping through something. He shows Declan the screen as a video starts playing.

“Please!” Video-Matthew says. Ronan looks mad, but clearly his little brother is doing the puppy eye thing that all little siblings know how to do, because he softens in the most un-Ronan way, because of course Matthew does that. Matthew breathes, and the world corrects itself to make sure he has enough oxygen. Ronan stares at someone off screen, and back to the camera.

“Happy birthday, Declan. Hope someone gives you a cane so you can be more of an old man.” Matthew laughs that obnoxious laugh that soothes the tension under Declan’s skin and the video cuts off.

“Sorry, he was busy with Gansey and Adam, but I tried to get him here and- oof!”

Declan crushes his youngest brother, eyes shut tight. Because Matthew is the most perfect one of the Lynches, untouched by anything tragic. Pure as a fresh snow, as friendly as a snowman. Someone who needs Declan but is willing to show he cares, to make Declan feel less like the robot he’s become, but as an older brother who has a younger brother. He hugs his brother, his brother whose heartbeat he can’t hear, but whose smile he can feel against his chest.

Declan will always be a busy man.

He will sleep an hour, ready to track down some new lead and then head to some cafe to do his project and then fruitlessly check-in on Ronan. He will then drag Matthew into his suit for church, and then go back to the Fairy Market, keeping his family afloat.

But today, he will make time for his younger brother.

And himself.

He blows out the candles over his birthday and wishes.

Please keep them safe.

--

Happy birthday asshole

Gansey got mad at me for being rude

Thanks for stuff

i am tired with tumblrs obssession to make declan do the dumbest things no i will not be putting declan lynch into a goddamn ant farm im giving him a cake pls seek help

[clotpolesonly]

#there's something very symbolic to me about this being turned back on Gansey #esp after Gansey tried and failed to wake Glendower whom he is so strongly paralleled/associated with #and the way death and sleeping are often metaphors for mental (and physical but in this case mental) illness #you can't always save yourself #it's not a matter of will power and just talking yourself out of your depression or suicidal ideation #and you can't always do for yourself what you can do for others #you can be a crucial lifeline and lifesaver for someone else and still not be able to claw your way out of your own mind by yourself #someone needs to be that lifeline for you in return #someone needs to reach back #Gansey can't wake himself up #but Blue can #Blue and Adam and Ronan and Henry and Noah together can reach out and bring him back from that edge#wake up she tells him #and he does

Blue Lily, Lily Blue ch 47 // The Raven King ch 67