#GOTTA have my occasional capper

[shitheadpalooza]

getting positively silly today

[threetimesrule]

Paris - Shouldn’t this have burned down by now?

This place has been the epicenter of most of the major European conflicts; from the Romans to the Nazis.  How did the city manage that distinction?  I’m not quite sure.  Why hasn’t it been burned to the ground like 15 times?  I’m not sure about that one either.  But what I do know is that Paris is amazing!  I mean like really amazing.  Heck, they have crepes everywhere.  Nutella ones!  Oh sure they have lots of other redeeming characteristics, I’m sure, but we’re talking Nutella crepes here people.  Big ones!  Oh and huge Nutella containers too.  Like embarrassingly large, even by American standards.  It’s as if Costco had a “single item for life” contest and all of France won, then chose Nutella as the prize.

But think about this, Paris is so cool that no one DID burn it to the ground.  They could have, probably hundreds of times.  Like Sundsvall…  "Phew, we’re done building.  Where’s the matches?“  But they didn’t because it’s too cool.  You’ll get lost there and won’t even realize you’ve been missing for three hours.  Actually maybe that’s why they didn’t manage to burn it down.  "Where’d I leave those matches?  They gotta be here someplace.  Leaving for Moscow you say?  Now, you say?  But I was looking for my… alright, alright.  Geesh, he’s real angry for such a little guy.”

Either way, bring eye drops because there are corners in this city where you won’t even want to blink. [Check out the Northwest corner of Pont d'Arcole at sunset.]

If you haven’t been to Paris, you should.  If you have, you probably loved it.  If you’re one of the few who found no redeeming characteristics to it at all, then you’ll probably like Detroit or something. [Try the Northwest Corner of the Dix Avenue Bridge at sunset… breathtaking!]

Montmartre -  

You’ll always know how to find this place because you can see Sacré-Coeur sitting atop its “mont” from basically everywhere in the city [The Basilica is astounding by the way; take the time to check it out].  But when you arrive in this number 18 neighborhood (or “18th arrondissement”, if you like to speak all classy… or French) you’ll know, because it feels a little different than the rest of Paris.  Like small town charm with big city style.  It’s the part of town where all the major artists, painters and writers lived during the 1800’s and it almost feels as though in any moment one of them might pop their head around a corner and draw you near some lily pads.  On top of all this (pun intended), you’ll occasionally find yourself in the middle of a set piece from the movie Amélie.  Could be worse.

Atop the Arch de Triomphe at night, on the hour – 

This is a really picturesque view of the city by day or night, but there’s something extra special about this view in the dark which really brings it to light (pun intended again – two for two).  At night, you’re not only granted a view of the city lights, the traffic, the buildings and streets spreading out like a star [Place de l’Etoile] but if you stand, on the hour, looking toward the Eiffel Tower, you’ll be treated to a very beautiful trick played on every epileptic in the city.  It’s like someone at the Eiffel Tower decided to host an hourly rave.  It’s really cool!  And Beautiful.  Still, the best part about the top of the Arch de Triomphe at night?  It’s dark.  Get your romantic make-out-session on!

Napoleon’s Tomb (and Les Invalides) - 

This whole place is the 1880’s equivalent of buying a corvette.  It’s needlessly massive.  His tomb is massive.  The dome is massive.  His manhood… well.

Sainte Chapelle - 

Even if you don’t like stained glass, you should really see this place.  The windows are nearly floor to ceiling, with most of the original glass.  Original glass!  This place was built in 1248.  This glass be old!  Like “your grandma yelling at you to be careful while you sit on her plastic covered furniture” old.  Like “I’m pretty sure I can smell the Serfdom” old.  Like “remind me again how somebody didn’t burn this down” old.  

Luxembourg Garden - 

Aside from the fact that these gardens are beautiful, the people are smiling, the fountains are bubbling and the architecture is exceptionally romantic.  This might want to be the first stop in your Parisian adventure.  You’ll immediately feel like you’re in Europe.  You’ll just get it.  As hard as you may fight it, you’ll lose yourself in a moment.  Heck, for a solid second I was a baguette and brie away from involuntarily giving up my citizenship.  It’s awesome.  Go here!

Les Arènes de Lutèce -  

You like wifi?  Are you a gladiator?  This is your place.

Rodin Museum -

There’s something about this little museum that is really relaxing, even if you can’t quite put your finger on why.  Hell, The Thinker still hasn't figured it out.  Speaking of Hell, Rodin’s Gates of Hell is there too.  That’ll straight mess with your brain.  Consider yourself warned.

Musée D'Orsay -

Built in an old train station, this museum - full of some of the most prolific Impressionism paintings on the planet - is the highlight of any trip.  Except mine.  Get there early.  The length of the line gets real dumb real quick.

The Café Le Saint Séverin  - 

All of the rest of the stuff listed here has been pretty touristy.  But this place is the complete opposite of that, which is surprising because it’s hidden smack dab in the middle of a really touristy area.  Here’s what you do: find Saint Séverin (a medieval church plopped down in the 5th arrondissement), walk around to the back of it and sit down at the café.  Voila!  There’s nothing quite like dining on French cuisine, sitting underneath the stars, next to a medieval church, in the middle of a fairly quiet street in Paris, and feeling like you belong there, to really make a trip worthwild.  Sitting in this spot, the whole world could pass and you’d just be happy that you made it to Europe.  I’d recommend going here after a long day of touristy crap.  It’s a great capper.

         Side note:  This is Saint Séverin part Deux.  In 1448, during the Hundred Years War, they burned Saint Séverin to the ground.  Guess they found the matches.  Or more appropriately, the match cord.

If you still have the time… do ANYTHING other than this…

La Belle Epoque -

One thing is for certain… actually I should step back.  You know how we all have one side of the family?  That one part of the family that when you talk about in public, you talk real quiet?  Because you know that you’re gonna talk about “that” side of the family?  And you know how the fashion in the 70’s makes everything about that already creepy or embarrassing group of people even worse?  This Cabaret is where those people get work.

...even with this please chose Paris over Detroit.

Great Books to Pick Up Before Your Visit:

Guide Book of Choice - Let’s Go Paris

Secondary Guide Book of Choice – Formmers Paris (get a newer print, the older one’s for your mom)

Lonely Planet French Phrasebook - Important phrases for any situation, like: "I didn’t know I had to declare this" (“Je ne savais pas que je devais déclarer cela”), “drug addict?” (“un drogue?”), “No, I don’t take drugs” (“Non, je,ne touches pas à la drogue”)  "You are very nosy" (“Vous êtes vraiment indiscrète”), and “Are the archduchess’s socks dry, completely dry?  (“Les chaussettes de l'archiduchesse sont-elles sèches, archisèches?”)

Paris from the Ground Up by James H.S. McGregor – A pretty cool book to read before you go, but there’s really no need to take it with you.  It’s not a guide book as much as a book about how the city came to be and why.  (Seriously…it should have been burned down like 15 times.  This book proves it.)

The Greater Journey: American’s in Paris by David McCullough – this is a good book to read even if you’re not going to Paris, but it sure as heck will make you want to visit.  McCullough tells stories about the American artists and intellectual revolutionaries who lived in Paris back in the day.  But he does it in a way that you may actually want to read about it.