#GOD I WISH IT GAVE ME AROUSAL but yeah its super fun to draw

[suggesty-kalis]

BAM VORE JUMPSCARE @objekty

[caterpillar-worship-blog]

This post contains a high amount of sexual content and has things that may disturb or at least “weird out” many people. There is also a lot of what the internet likes to call “cringe”. This is also a very long post and I only recommend reading if you are one of those people who likes seeing what goes through different people’s heads (eg: pretty much no one). TRIGGER WARNING: Pictures of real insects (larva),mention of sexual activity

I’m to the point now I almost wish I had no sex drive, its such a waste. I just want to play video games, do stuff I enjoy or maybe start drawing again. Desire is such a trap for me because I’m a pretentious person attracted to this ideal of beauty and stuff. It goes deeper but I’ll save that for a post that will probably get me labeled as a lunatic (spoilers: tulpas). I get all these fantasies and they feel great but then if I release them (eg: masturbate) I feel the cold reality hit me. I become filled with a desire to hug and cuddle, to hold someone and do things like nuzzle or just tease and play. When I cum I realize that I’m just a human being most likely put here to reproduce, which I probably won’t do and don’t think I even want to. I like the warm,soft feeling, its radiant kind of but then it reaches this point where the sexual part overrides everything and demands I release. I suddenly feel like I have become a slave and think back to my ex, sex with her and how most of the time it was unpleasant. I’m long past the fallout of our relationship and don’t hate her, though we don’t talk and probably never will. We were just different people and I was incapable of giving her the things she needed from a person. I don’t know how to describe my sexuality to others so I don’t. I don’t think I’m gay enough to proclaim it publicly but different things arouse me. My first sexual desires started when I was 7, I would watch both Sonic cartoons and had a crush on Tails. Me and my sister would play Sonic 2 and she would drown Tails and I would fantasize about protecting him. Eventually I started dry humping my couch on saturday mornings before my parents woke up. I loved bugs a lot too, I found them fascinating but I especially liked insects who went through complete metamorphosis and I thought grubs were really cute. I wanted a giant grub to hug and cuddle with who would never go into imago ever and just be my soft, squishy friend forever. He had this shy, easily scared personality, kind of cowardly but sweet. I would watch nature documentaries about insects such as wasps, beetles, bees etc and I loved watching them care for their fat, white little grubby babies. I would go to our old library during the summer and I had this one hardbook book about diving beetles. It was fun to read to me because I thought “water bugs” were super awesome and we use to have a pool so I’d see them during the summer. I remember getting a “crush” on the diving beetle larva. He was a good deal more fierce than grubs were but was still a larva. Diving beetle larva had a personality, he was more adventurous and wanted to be strong and grow up into his adult form so he could be super tough, like how shonen anime protags are. I still wanted to hug him and beg “Noooo, you’re so cute..I like you the way you are, diving beetle larva-chan..don’t grow up!!” I should stress that these insect characters I made during my pre-pubescent childhood were always males. It was not just insects though, I had another imaginary friend, who was a girl. She was this chipmunk like creature who would come to me during naps, usually when I was staying at my grandparent’s old house back when I was in preschool. The little chipmunk had a completely benign face, I can’t remember it 100% but I was and still am autistic so certain things would upset or bother me a lot. Everyone is this way but I had certain “compatibility” ratios with smells,foods,faces and cartoons. The famous youtuber Ulilila coined that term and it resonated a lot with me because I still use a similar system in my head. Anyways, the chipmunk fairy creature had a face that was cute but comforted me, nothing about her was unappealing or neutral by my compatibilities. I would be small, her size, and we would play in the branches of this giant tree. It was not a real life tree or a cartoon, it was in the style of an old painting. My grandparents had lots of old paintings around their house of ducks,ponds and farm houses so that’s probably why the tree looked the way it did in my subconscious. We would play tag and she would run away but I’d catch her and we’d hug. I would be so happy when I’d hug her but then she’d jump away again until I could not find her. I could hear her rustling in the leaves and calling me but I’d call for her and start feeling this really incredible sadness and loneliness. Then I would wake up. I had good parents who tried their best and no one ever abused me but my childhood was very lonely. Before I started playing video games my friends were cartoon characters. These included The Little Koala, Maya the Bee and Heathcliff  the cat. I also really liked the animated dinosaurs from the pbs documentary “Dinosaurs” narrated by the lady who’s name escapes me, I think she did Nick News too. The third and final episode scarred me SO HARD because it was about the dinosaurs dying off but I’ll save that for another blog entry, this is way too long but its not like anyone will read my shit. But yeah, childhood was lonely. Kids didn’t start being really mean until the 4th or 5th grade I want to say but I just did not mesh with anyone. I had no geeky buddies to teach me AD&D, I had no one to play video games with, no one cared about dinosaurs and insects like I did. For a long time I wanted to be a fighter pilot too but not because I wanted to hurt people, I just thought the pilots looked really cool with their helmet and masks that made them look like houseflies and I loved how fighter jets looked. I wanted to be that. I had an infatutation with the look and shape of planes like the F-15 and F-111 yet I never cared for the actual science enough beyond eventually learning pointless trivia about hardpoints and how much “payload” they could carry jets. To me the fighter jets and bombers were like the dinosaurs and insects, they all were my “proto-pokemon” and they each had stats, personalities and other stuff. I still love all these things...but with military planes I feel some guilt I guess and have to separate reality and my childhood fantasies. I -do- love the Ace Combat series because it took my precious fighter jets and gave them rpg style stats while putting them into what is basically a gundam anime but with jets instead....but then Ace Combat went garbo and started taking place in the real world and abandoned the anime-ishness for something more Michael Bay and ~*PATRIOTIC~* I guess. God, fuck you Assault Horizon. But yeah..I was lonely. Sports bored me to tears and I was awful at them due to the fact I had crappy motorskills and I did not care. I hated PE and field day was only ok because I could sneak some of my bug guides or comic books outside and pray I would get a teacher who did not care about my lack of participation and was just happy I was someone who could entertain themselves. This has gone on too long for one post. I had a lot more I wanted to say and I don’t think anyone will read this but I’d feel better just doing another post later.