#Funerals are stressing me out rn

[mondglocke]

my mother died last week and noone told me how much i would start to hate the words "Thank You" bc everywhere i go it's just "my condolences".

[pochapal]

chronic illness is so funny because everyone around you is shitting screaming throwing up wanting to kill themselves from the despair of it all but you're literally just chilling

[mooningningg]

"𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐟 𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐛 𝐲𝐨𝐮."

Flirty enemies to lovers with jjk men.

gojo, sukuna, and megumi, (f).

genres, warnings, trope. fluff! | cursing ig! | enemies to lovers! |

notes i. I'd be happy to see my request and submission box filled rn, pls.

⋆.ೃ࿔*Gojo.

•you hate gojo, he hates you. Oh boy, just the thought of his white hair irritates your whole being, shakes your bones in anger, his name ever so leaves a bitter taste right on your tongue. It was serious both of you didn't like each other, oh so you thought was the case.

•you see, to gojo. When he sees something he's interested in, he likes to get their attention, well that's exactly what he's doing with you.

•being an annoying piece of shit = your attention.

•you really had no idea why he even started to bother you at some point but it grew to the point that you came to a final choice that you hated the man, absolutely despised him!

•but if you did... Why was it you found yourself enjoying his lips devouring yours.

The sound of sloppy kisses bounces off of the walls as gojo pushed you further more onto the wall behind you in an empty classroom if it was even possible, it was like your lips were the only thing presented to a starved man, which gojo played as at that moment. He was needy, so desperate, his hands roamed all over you, not leaving a spot untouched.

You couldn't believe yourself, absolutely unbelievable. You were arguing him at first and not even a second after you found your lips against his, and surprisingly, his lips felt like heaven when it was shut and only moved against you.

"I hate you so much." You mumbled in between the kisses and he replies, "you're the worst person on the face of the earth." "You suck." "You suck more." "Literally want to kill you." "Already planning your funeral."

˚ ༘♡Sukuna.

•Oh boy(2), being enemies with him if that's what you call is such a pain in the ass, istg. This man will NEVER stop bothering you, he likes to see you stressed out and angry, but he lowkey thinks it's cute that's why he likes to piss you off.

•his playboy, rebellious antics, is the reason why you hated him, he was bad news, always a troublemaker. He liked to break the rules and well... You liked to go by them not break them, but sukuna found himself interested more on breaking you.

•you intrigued him at some point though, when he started bother you he was legit hating on you but as time flew by, he somehow liked your attention on him.

•and now, these days he started flirting with you, but still a mix with being a pain in the ass, and you were confused wether you liked it or not, because he was... Charming, indeed, but a delinquent.

You placed the book right on the spot on the shelf you took it from back, after reading the title and summary you found no interest to read it for the day, you continued your search in the library, fingers brushing on every books spine, trying to find something interesting to say the least.

And when you did, you took it from the shelf and smiled slightly at your accomplishment, turning around to head to the safest place to read said by you.

Unfortunately, you were met by a big chest in front of you, the familiar scent of his perfume meets your nose and as if on time you rolled your eyes just like that.

"Move, jerk." You harshly bite, glancing up at him to look him in the eye and he stared down at you with that usual smirk of his that you wanted to slap off of him more than ever "and why would I." The pink haired replies, not flustered at all he brings his hand to place on the shelf right beside your head, he leans down to have his head leveled to yours.

"Because you're in the way, are you dumb." You say in a more demanding tone, meaning what you had said, he chuckles mischievously at your statement, "if you weren't so pretty you'd be six feet under the ground, you just piss me off, so fucking bad. The way you run your mouth all the time like, jesus christ woman do you never shut up." He suddenly rants in your face, saying all that with a smirk.

"You think I'm pretty?"

*ೃ༄Megumi.

•he was mean, not really. He was just brutally honest, serious and you kind of did not like that about him because he was mean to people, he was totes not your type. He was just straight up blank, not a single smile ever can be seen on his face and you found it annoying how someone can look and feel so miserable.

•it was mutual, he found you annoying also. Always running your mouth, like you can never shut up, he was annoyed with people that were loud but you, oh he was annoyed on another level. You go on over and over, over a topic that made no literal sense and the next you were over another topic.

•but maybe the things you found annoying about each other was overcomed by the liking you two had for each other also, and you may never guess what happened next but that's right. You both are officially secretly dating no body knew what or how it happened. The transition was... Complicated, ehe.

"HEY GUMI HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHAMPOO I CANT FIND IT ANYWHERE." Yuuji literally yells as he barges into the bathroom with which he assumed only megumi behind the shower curtain, "Yuuji..." Megumi calmly tries to get his attention but no, the pink haired was rather easily distracted that explains why he was unfocused about what megumi was trying to say, he only focused on finding his shampoo, "like I thought it was here, because I literally remember putting it here but i-" "Yuuji, I'm not exactly alone in here..." Megumi was too shy to say, "huh what?" And just like that you peeped through the shower curtains with an innocent smile as if you weren't butt naked inside the shower with your significant other, which turned out to be yuuji's roommate.

"Hey, yuu." You say with a sweet smile, yuuji instantly became flustered and as he was taking his steps back towards the door but still looking at you, " oh uh hi I'll just..." Knocks multiple things over, "...leave you two alone." Knocks more things over, "also I think your shampoo is over there." You pointed right at it but yuuji didn't even take a glance, "um thanks Y/n, I'll just.." *awkward finger guns*.

notes ii. this isn't proofread btw :).

[mulletmitsuya]

Toman Groupchat (good timeline, which means everyone is alive)

Warning: dog funeral, car accident, suggestive (barely), swearing

Desc: Mikey doesn't have good time management skills (i am so terrible at descriptions, my bad)

Sano Gc

Emma: Michael

Emma: where are you?? :(

Shinichiro: Mikey you were suppose to be here an hour ago

Izana: why would you trust him to drive a car by himself

Izana: he's probably sleeping

Mikey: no i'll be there in like 5 minutes

Shinichrio: where are you??

Mikey: i can't see any street signs anywhere

Mikey: this is so stressful

Mikey: uh i just passed a bus stop that has a stop sign with a yellow dick painted on so

Shinichiro: that's 20 minutes away

Mikey: whoops

Emma: we're starting without you

Mikey: NO JUST WAIT

Mikey: why wouldn't you guys just let me get get here with my bike this would have solved so many problems

Shinichiro: cause Pah said we shouldn't. give Pochi some respect :/

Mikey: POCHI IS DEAD!!! AND DOESN'T KNOW NOR CARE ABOUT WHICH METHOD OF TRASPORTATION I AM USING TO GET TO HER FUNERAL. SHE ALSO WON'T KNOW THAT I'M LATE. WHY YOU ASK??? CAUSE SHE'S A DOG"

Mikey: YOU GUY'S ARE SO EXTRA

Shinichiro: dude :/

Everyone Gc

Izana: "POCHI IS DEAD!!! AND DOESN'T KNOW NOR CARE ABOUT WHICH METHOD OF TRANSPORTATION I AM USING TO GET TO HER FUNERAL. SHE ALSO WON'T KNOW THAT I'M LATE. WHY YOU ASK?? CAUSE SHE'S A DOG"

Izana: words from Mikey just btw

Baji: the fucking disrespect

Baji: i'm shaking rn

Mitsuya: dude

Mitsuya: first of all we've been waiting for you for like an hour

Mitsuya: and now this

Mitsuya: and it doesn't matter

Mitsuya: more than Pochi, it's about Pah who is our friend who is also in mouring

Mitsuya: be a little more sensitive

Mikey: but i was sleepy :(

Mitsuya: 😐

Takemitchy: Mikey-kun i offered to pick you up tho

Draken: why didn't you

Takemitchy: he said it was too early

Draken: ...😐

Hina: but it was like 11am

Takemitchy: he said he was still sleeping

Baji: you trust people for years and this is what you get

Baji: you're sick dude

Mikey: IT'S A DOG😭😭😭😭

Takeomi: pay some damn respect

Mikey: 🤨

Mikey: i know y'all didn't invite Takeomi

Mikey: i give it 30 minutes until the paparazzi he "didn't call" get to the funeral

Senju: bro acts like he's the famous one💀

Pah: Mikey i'm very disappointed in you, we're starting the service

Mikey: dude give me 5 minutes

Mikey: ...

Mikey: ...nvm

Shinichiro: what now??

Pah: bitchass

Mikey: bad news

Mikey: i've been hit by another car

Mikey: i'm fine tho

Izana: pity

Emma: ok let's just start guys this is getting ridiculous

Mikey: YOU GUY'S DON'T CARE THAT I'M LITERALLY IN A CAR ACCIDENT??

Chifuyu: can you not handle when attention isn't on you for one day????

Baji: you aren't dead are you

Baji: if you were a real mf you would have flied out the window and died

Kazutora: *flew

Baji: i don't have it

Kazutora: have what?

Baji: the flew

Kazutora: huh

Kazutora: what are you talking about

Baji: i'm not sick

Kazutora: ...

Kazutora: k☺

Takemitchy: guys can you be more sensitive

Takemitchy: Kakucho's parents literally died like that

Chifuyu: of what

Takemitchy: a car accident

Baji: real mf's🔥💯

Chifuyu: Baji-san

Kakucho: i wasn't really thinking about it until you said that Mitchy but that's fine

Takemitchy: 😟

Mikey: IS NO ONE FR GONNA COME PICK ME UP

Mitsuya: nah the service is starting

Draken: wait an hour

Mikey: where?? the wreckage??

Draken: idk the police station or smth

Emma: wait at the bus stop 😚

Mikey: i hope Ken-chin doesn't fertilize you for at least 5 more years

Draken: Sano istg

Emma: that's not funny🙁

Mikey: of course it's not funny, i'm cursing you

Pah: when you die, which will be very soon

Pah: i will make sure to take 10 heavy, fat shits before even thinking about coming on time

Pah: better yet, i won't come at all

Pah: i'll just continue taking heavy, fat shits while you're small, 5'3, decomposed body is buried, never to be seen again

Mitsuya: what the fuck Pah

Mitsuya: you could have said literally anything else

Draken: uh

Baji: that's the spirit ❗

Baji: some real shit

Kazutora: man what's wrong with you

Pah: i thought we were all on the same page

Mikey: ☹️

[whopissedmypants]

my cousin just came out as trans and was immediately cut out and pretty much abandoned by her parents, siblings and our whole family. i want her to know that there ARE people in her family who love and support her wholeheartedly but also don’t to make her feel uncomfortable by reaching out randomly. Especially since i’m not sure how she feels about the family in general right now seeing as she couldn’t even come to our aunts (who I KNOW would feel ashamed rn if she could see this happening to her niece) funeral a few days ago as a result of the reaction. How would you recommend I go about doing this?

I think that despite it being scary, reaching out is the best option.

I think that sending a text message or DM is a great way to start and just say something simple like hey I know you just came out and it didn’t go well but I want you to know that you’re always gonna be safe with me and I’m here to support you.

Also, a thing that I do when people are going through stressful times is, I will tell them that they don’t have to respond because I recognize that they might not have the capacity to give for that currently, so I would say that as well.

So yeah, just let them know that you’re here for them when they want/if they need, and they don’t need to respond <3

Thank you for reaching out for guidance! I hope this helps! (Also don’t be afraid to dm me or send more asks!)

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

My mother stayed with us. 😩 I was hoping 🙏🙏 that she would leave today, but..... she wouldn’t be such a pain, if she really left after just one night.

And Nico... he has nothing better to do, than talk to me about our probs early in the morning. I just woke up!! I hardly opened my eyes, he already started to dictate to me. He told me not to go to Dominick’s funeral. I was sick and should stay in bed. And well, he was right, so I’m not gonna be at Dominick’s funeral. Tbh, I wouldn’t have been able to handle this well anyway.... N. & I also talked about something else and... I felt much better after our conversation.

Nico: You’re still mad at me. I get it, but it’s not gonna go on. The stiuation between you & Daniel. I had to talk to him. You told me your version of the story, but I also wanted to hear his opinion, to understand. I think I know why it's so difficult for him to sign the divorce papers. But he’ll explain that to you, as soon as you get better.

Me: What does that mean? I mean... US!

Nico: We both know what we want. We want to stay together and we love our Baby . You don’t want to be with Daniel. You would have stayed with him last week, but you came back home and told me everything. You think you betrayed me. But I see it differently. You backed out at the last moment because... you love me. Even though you were mad at me, you ended up saying no to him.

Me: But I wanted Daniel. And I kissed him.

Nico: Maybe it’s a good thing. At least now you know... what’s important to you.

Me: Your reaction really surprised me... While you’ve changed, I’m still the same insecure person, as I was then. Bcs... I still find it hard to trust you. I mean when you’re abroad for so long. And soon, you'll have to leave anyway.

Nico: You come with me, or I won’t go. I’ll stay home with you.

Me: You didn’t really mean that. And I don’t want you to give up your dream for me.

Nico: You're my dream. If I go abroad without you, then only with the certainty that between us, everything's fine. Or I'll quit soccer.

Nico: Anyway. Rn you should just focus on our Baby and the pregnancy. The doctor told you yesterday. You need to relax! And I think you should tell your Mom that you increased your dose.

Me: You don't understand that. I’m ashamed of it. You have no idea how I feel about it. The truth is, I suspected it. Somehow I knew our baby was suffering. I felt a tremor in my belly, all day yesterday. I knew our Baby was moving, but it was different than usual. And when the doctor confirmed my guess, I just wanted to die.

Nico: It’s not your fault. The main thing, he's fine.

Me: I always think you’ll blame me one day. But I’m also relieved. It’s not easy to talk about it but as it looks, it works quite well with you.

Nico: I will never blame you. You’re trying your best to get him born healthy.

I kissed N. That moment I felt a.... deep connection between him, me and our baby. I was not that afraid anymore. But suddenly my Mom came up to the bedroom. 🤦‍♀️

She totally annoyed me!  She was a little stressed out because Nico and I haven’t prepared anything for the baby yet. Besides, I still haven’t divorced Daniel. This has upset her. She was worried.

And why Nico and I had to move out is because his lease was only temporary. We had to decide, whether to extend the contract, or move out. Since his apartment had no nursery, we decided to look for a bigger home. Otherwise, the contract would have been extended for another 2 years. I didn't want that. But if I had known, how long we have waited in the end to move into our new apartment, I would have preferred to stay here. There were delays on the construction site, our apartment was newly built. We had to wait 6 months longer than agreed, until we could move into our new home. Our baby was almost a year old (10 Months) when we could finally move.... Ugh, it’s gonna be... hard for me.

Previous/Next

[nerves-nebula]

My dad got in an accident and I just kind of don’t care at all. It took me a minute to even realize the gravity of being in the hospital, my first thought was kind of just whatever. And even then, I just didn’t really care at all. I’m actively trying to muster any sort of emotion about it, but the only evoking thing about it is that my mom wants me to call him and I don’t wanna do that. So uh, sorry to vent at you, I’m just kind of worried about that. Or I feel like I should be concerned. Really I still don’t care

thats fine tbh. and it's fine if you later realize you did have feelings and just couldn't feel them, and it’s fine if you never care at all. You don’t gotta care about people. If you’re worried about it I’d bring it up with a mental health professional (though I’d also take whatever they say with a grain of salt. It’s a real roll of the dice with those guys)

my dads been saying he's about to die ever since I was young and it stresses me out every time. it'd be better if it didnt work on me anymore cuz i think it's a manipulation tactic (he's like "ough im about to dieee go to grad school and talk to your mother pls")

Sometimes I say that I wish he’d just die already and get it over with and the only thing that prevents that from being true is that I’d have to go to his damn funeral once he really does kick the bucket.

Like I feel bad for my parents and I’m probably gonna feel some sort of way about it when they die but rn I kind of wish they’d just disappear. But now I’m rambling.

[riewritten]

i thought abt sharing this to my art blog bc... art... but then this is something i'm writing for school rn so i'm sharing it here instead ( ´ ◡ ` )

the story prompt i did last 2021 was pitched to one of my writing classes (TV script making). last sunday, a groupmate was thinking about making a character sketch (like the document) but i thought about making a literal sketch 😭

chau asked if i plan to turn this into a comic (@frenchdyer ily i wouldn't even share this here if not for your words of encouragement ILY). i need to ask permission from my groupmates first but if they ever agree, i think i'll work on this one! aAaHhHHHhHHh

for the context of character sketch, BLUE indicates the past whereas PINK indicates the present design.

her design was heavily inspired by csm's asa mitaka bc they share the same attitude and (a bit of) upbringing!

so the working premise of this story is that our main character, LISA (20), takes a tired nap at the nearby convenience store after catering to her sister's funeral. however, when she opens her eyes again, she finds herself in a timeline five years before her sister, KRISTA, died! as her uncanny encounter ensues, she targets one goal: seek revenge for the people who had bullied her, which, she believes, were the primary reason why her sister ended up dying.

moving on to the next character, we have MAXON (20)!

indeed, he is basically erwin smith with black hair. i mean, maxon is an intelligent boy (student council, too!) so i thought, why not integrate the commander in his physique? tho ofc, he is far from erwin's personality. we made him a very flawed human being.

he is a former co-worker of LISA's sister, KRISTA, at the minimart 5 years ago. he also used to be LISA's classmate.

during funeral, MAXON tries to initiate a conversation with LISA only to no avail because our protagonist isn't in the mood to talk. funny enough, he was also at the convenience store LISA took a nap in. MAXON closed his eyes & heaved a sigh due to forlorn, but then finds himself in the same disposition as LISA when he opens his eyes again—in his 15 y/o body five years ago, at the classroom, and KRISTA is still alive.

to make things more fun, MAXON and LISA will not have a clue about their disposition (like, LISA would assume that the MAXON she talks to is none but a measly kid and vice-versa).

as MAXON's regret lurks around his mind, he sets two goals: to change the way he acted with LISA's bullying incident at school and help the two sisters the best way he can. WHY THE REGRET, THOUGH? because in the original timeline, MAXON was as a mere bystander. even when LISA's disposition worsened that came to a point of dropping out of school and having KRISTA work more to support her therapy, MAXON did nothing.

the last main character would be KRISTA, whom funeral was depicted in episode 1.

no particular inspiration for her charac design but now that i look at it, she resembles the OC i made in dusk in the brightest, which, apparently, loves her younger sibling to her very core too.

LISA and MAXON blame themselves for her death bc of its probable cause: heart failure due extreme stress and exhaustion. that, and KRISTA refused to have her heart conditon treated properly bc financial constraints and her priority over LISA’s disposition). to put it simply, she will be the center of MAXON and LISA’s motivations as they go back in time to change things.

here's the catch: it is ambiguous if they really did travel time or it was none but collective fragments of their imagination to cope with the grief.

for now, our group are onto making the manuscript. i'll ask them if it would be possible for me to turn this into a comic afterward lol.

[skiasurveys]

What does the shirt you are wearing look like?   its a grey oversized tshirt that says "All roads lead to rome" lol

What was the last thing that stressed you out or upset you?   school. I have like 9 assignments to do this week.

How do you stay positive with all that life throws at you?   I... don’t.  <- same

What quality do you admire most in other people?   being actually loyal.

What is the highest level of physical pain you have ever been in? rate 1-10   tw// abuse: probably when I got hit by my ex

...same question, but with emotional pain?   -- abuse

What is your most prized possession?   my macbook, it has all my stuff on it lol

Which youtuber do you feel like you could be friends with easily?   i feel like safiya and tyler, and maybe Molly Burke.

Do you like your natural hair color?   its alright. its brown.

Do you think you will dye your hair when you start going gray?   i was thinking this the other day.. maybe.

Are you pale right now, or do you have a tan?   pale

Do you think you look best with a tan?   yeah

What is your favorite app on your phone?   Twitter, Spotify, Tik Tok even tho that app is a curse, and Tumblr

How old were you when you got your first smartphone?   I was 14 I think

Do you ever meditate on Scripture?   sometimes actually

Are you living a life you want to escape from? or do you love your life?   im just living.

When was the last time you felt that life was good?   when i was manic

Do you have one big mistake that you've made that you want to fix?   not anymore. I made mistakes, but it got me to where I needed to be.

Do you wish people would forgive you for your past so you could move on?  yes 

Do you wear green on St. Patrick's day?   no. My dad died on saint pats, so..lmao

Are you Irish at all?   i dont think so

Do you pray to God every day?   sometimes

What are three things you are currently looking forward to doing soon?   sleeping, the last of us episode 9, and working ig

Do you ever dance in the rain?   No.

Have you ever sat on a rooftop?   no, i want to so badly 

Who is that last good musician or band you discovered?   I have no idea.. I think Grandson?

Do you like to watch talent shows like America's Got Talent and X Factor?   i used too but not anymore tbh.

Have you ever tried avocado toast?   yup, and i didnt mind it

Name three items on your wish list right now.  New Ipad for my art, new bed, and maybe a new phone.

Are you more talented musically or artistically or neither?   i guess art

Are you better at English or math?   English.

What were your best subjects in school?   Social Studies/ History and Art

What was your favorite subject in school?   Social or any art class. 

Have you ever visited a teacher at their home?   once when I was in kindergarten and she held a bbq at her house

How many windows are in your bedroom?   One.

Who was your first roommate?   i guess my ex boyfriend

Who was your first best friend (besides a sibling)?   Eden

Do you have a sibling who looks like you?   Not really. I have brown hair, and brown eyes, and my sister has blonde hair and blue eyes lol

Name three women you know who have lost a child.   -- I only know two.

Whose was the last funeral you attended or watched?   My dads like 10 years ago

What types of cancer are in your family, if any?   Breast

Do you have big dreams for your future?   I stopped dreaming.

Do you feel alone?   Yeah, quite terribly.

What is this month's calendar picture?   I dont use a physical one

What is the theme of your wall calendar for this year?   --

Have you ever seen a double rainbow?   Yes.

How old will you be on your next birthday?    27

Which nationalities have you been told you look like? (i.e., Asian, Irish) I got told I looked dominican but I dont see it

Have you ever had an outstanding library fine?   No.

What book are you currently reading? nothing atm

Are you poor/broke right now?   Im broke rn but I get paid soon

Have you ever received any scary, threatening messages on social media?  yeah, I got doxxed once

What is the name of your youtube channel?   I dont make youtube videos but i have a channel ig

How many subscribers do you have on youtube? like 110

Do you wish that life were more fair?   yup

Who was your first kiss?   his name was Brandon

Do you feel you have found your soulmate yet?   Nope.

Are you single or in a relationship?   Single

If you're single, do you want to be, or do you wish you weren't?   I wish I had someone but realistically atm i dont have time for one, and also i need to heal still i think

Ever collected shells at the beach?   i used too omg.

Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin?   carve

Who are three of your favorite youtubers to watch?   i have so many i watch but i guess atm- CallmeKevin, Kurtis Conner and maybe Markiplier, or Gamegrumps

What year did you graduate high school?   2015

What do you miss about high school?   I think what i miss is life wasnt as stressful as it is now, and i miss seeing friends every day.

What do you miss about college?   Im still in college

What color was your first car?   white

Do you have a car now?   yes

What color was the house you grew up in?   its like a light light teal

Growing up, what floor was your bedroom on?   top floor

What is your birth order in the family?   im oldest

What would your name be if you were the opposite gender?   I think mom said Nathan

What were you almost named?   Jaycee

Does your bedroom have carpet?   Yes.

Best camping experience?   i dont remember much from camping.

What are the top three travel destinations on your bucket list?   Iceland, Italy, and Japan i think

Do you get heartburn?   sometimes, i HATE it

What are three things you are known for in your town?   omg..idk.

What are three things you are known for on social media?   Stan accounts, I run a traumacore account as well on here, and my art i guess

What is your Instagram account name?   --

Have you ever used Snapchat?   Yes, but now I only use for selfies

Did you want to be famous when you were younger?   yes

What show did you most want to be on as a kid?   i didnt rly want to be on any

First celebrity you were obsessed with?   I think Joe Jonas

First celebrity crush?   Michael J Fox LMAOOOO

What was your first favorite stuffed animal?   I dont know my first. but Max my horse i got when i was 4, which i still have lol

What was something unique about you as a kid?   *annoying as fuck

Were you ever goth/emo?   technically I had a emo phase, but my mom nEVER let me fully unleash it lMAO

Do you want any more piercings?   i want them done

How many tattoos do you have?  Zero.

Do you want more tattoos?   I want to get one.

If you had to get a tattoo, what would you get?   I think a cute fox

Do you mostly write in cursive or print?   I think its kinda mix of print and cursive

Were you ever homeschooled?   nope

Describe your dream wedding in five words. too lazy

Pick three animals that you think resemble you, and why?   raccoon, rat, and a fox

Are you unique?   no

Do you get called a free spirit?   No.

What day of the week were you born on?   Thursday

How are you feeling right now? tired

[m1ckeyb3rry]

AYO MODEL ERA MIRA?? CONGRATS!!! Hmu if you ever make one of those subscriptions like Chris Prince I’ll come to your meet and greet (don’t scam me) LMAO

the get possessed part actually has me sending the process is insane LOL im just imagining you getting into the zone like “mmm yes I love flirting with women I am that top dog im a super sexy defender yes that’s me”

IM CRYING THE SHOE THREAT??? Thats literally Barou just throwing the shit Nagi and chigiri left around the floor back in their faces it matches him sm….shoeliver is truly the best duo name ykw is funny when I first typed liver it autocorrected to lover (even though liver is a word….) LMAO truly meant to be

HAAH snuffy the only responsible adult so real no it’s ok mikages stubble grew into that full beard from stress and aging dw abt it yk when you get to the wedding arc you should design wedding invitation graphics (if you want LOL) I bet they’d go hard

STOPP I lowk forgot Nagi’s the love interest for a second uuhbdjsns no swerving no swerving…..but slightly sweaty rolled up sleeves Karasu….but REAL AEGISLASH TAKE ME TOO SHSHSH

Barou’s too underrated people are missing out on his potential omg (and I’m not even talking about in soccer LOL)

Wait speaking of how far are you from 1k rn I lowk forgot…just trying to see the odds of that pokemon event coming true if so I’m fr going to start brushing up

FR what’s worst is the people I see theorycrafting and analyzing saying Nagi’s gonna get kicked out and I’m like are we reading the same series here??? Like GUYS cmon let’s use our brains a little please I’m begging…..I’m crying “I forgot I liked chigiri” LAMOSAOSK yeah it does suck though because a big majority of his fans feminize him like crazy (esp when they ship him with Kunigami and turn him into a damsel in distress) yeah I think the move is just stay away from the crazy twitter side of the fandom LOL

IM GONE THE SPONGEBOB LFMAOAO stop the Barou edits go too hard wtf…but NO PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING LMAOO I appreciate all the content and lowk my fyp lost its way I don’t get much bllk there as I used to so I need this

DHSHSHS FR bro “can I say something controversial” and it’s just straight facts because people are fr just setting themselves up for disaster and like doomposting like guys cmon…..as if we didn’t all survive whatever the hell was going on in jjk s2 animation too (some scenes were so bare bones but we all lived)

SWOLE ERA Barou would be proud first it’s the graphic now this LMAOA out of curiosity what’s your go to routine?

- Karasu anon

YESS MODEL ERA INDEED dw if i do become famous i’ll be like yukimiya and expose scams not create them like chris prince 🤩 jkjk it’s really not for anything huge HAHA so no fame or scamming for me quite yet…tbh i only applied on a whim (i happened to have the photos they required for the application on hand [one of then was my linkedin pfp though icl] so i was like why not) ngl i was surprised when they emailed me back and told me they added me to their book but yk yolo!! might as well try it and see what the vibes are

HELPPP repeating my aiku affirmations while i work on the oaeu…“i am a rizz lord…i hate italian people…women want me fish fear me…i’m the goat” HAHA have to get in the mindset fr

shoeliver my magnum opus number one bllk ship name number one duo etc etc no one can compare!! PLEASEE barou is so mom coded it makes sense i can def see him threatening to throw his shoes at his kids nagi zantetsu chigiri when they’re being annoying/misbehaving HAHAHA

wait wedding invitation graphics would actually go crazy i don’t even think either wedding is ever shown in the epilogue (because of all of the time skipping) but maybe a side story of snuffy just dealing with everyone’s messes at either the tullireo or nagiy/n wedding might be in order sprinkled amongst the epilogue chapters 🤔 either that or i’ll make barou funeral invites but that’s more morbid…

AEGISLASH PLEASE ASSIST KARASU ANON AND I IN GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE W (still alive not possessed) BAROU AND KARASU POKÉMON AU VERSION 😭🙏🏻 nah because the visual is insane karasu’s face card is too lethal…reader’s crazy for not falling in love with him immediately ‼️ like girl you don’t even meet your actual man for an entire arc you’re telling me you don’t have the teensiest crush on karasu until nagi arrives in all of his lazy pajama wearing glory??? /j (mostly abt nagi wearing pajamas he’s a little better than that) nah but me personally the moment i see him taking care of his little baby birds i’m folding LMAOOO karasu with his fletchling would genuinely cause me to malfunction (wait imagine tullia gets him to babysit the pokémon she breeds when he has free time so his alternate clothing style is him in a white t shirt [so we can see his glorious biceps] jeans and a green apron with the black falconer’s gloves as usual and we just get a scene of him walking around bottle feeding a baby pokémon while talking on the phone about official gym business HFJSKSJD i fear i need him)

nah because barou is too underrated for what he brings to the table!! hoping we see a rise in barou nation after s2 as well although if not we’ll def see his non-dude bro fanbase (because lbr all dude bros love barou) expand after nel is animated he looks GORGEOUS in the game against bm!!

i’m like 60ish followers away but randomly the number will go down so i could not tell you how long it’ll take before i reach 1k 😭 i also might post the event a bit early just so people can be prepared for it HAHAHA we’ll see if i even do pokémon!! maybe i’ll end up with smth different who knows i’m very indecisive unfortunately so i probably won’t know until the last minute what i’m going to do

when people think nagi will leave the manga and be kicked out for good i’m like ah yes the character with his own spin-off is definitely the one they’re axing HAHAAH nagi + rin + barou are the only ones besides isagi that i can say for sure will be relevant until the end just because of the nature of their dynamics w isagi and the way their characters are written 😭 NAH BECAUSE I STAY FORGETTING CHIGIRI HIMSELF IS ACTUALLY COOL he can’t help his stans yassifying him/using him as an excuse to hate on other characters…wait also this is a pet peeve of mine but whenever people call chigiri a princess unironically i’m like 😟🤨 because i am 100% sure that the other blue lockers do NOT mean it as a compliment necessarily LMAOAOA like chigiri straight up gets mad when people who aren’t his friends/close teammates call him princess/missy (depending on the translation) i’m pretty sure it’s meant to be an embarrassing/teasing nickname not a nice one (karasu and otoya using it should be MORE than enough proof for that theory)…chigiri official arts have set the fandom back one million years they overly yassfiy him bro is simply NOT like that in the source material!!

THE SPONGEBOB HAD ME CRYINGGG lowkey what if i said me though 🤔 jkjk…unless??? OKAY YAYYY I WILL KEEP SENDING YOU SILLY LINKS AND EDITS HEHEHE today i will offer you a nagi + chigiri edit because it feels thematically appropriate to the convo LMAOO

no because people fr have such rose colored nostalgia tinted glass bruh jjk s2 was lowkey really bad at times too?? truly bllk is not as horrible as everyone is making it seem it honestly in terms of coloring and art style alone has a lot of depth and vibrancy and life i think people need to relax a bit like this isn’t violet evergarden things will not be perfect and that’s okay!! it’ll still be fun if you go into it just to enjoy it for what it is

LMAOO i’ve been going to the gym for a while but i never lift heavy enough to get swole i will leave that for my bfs 🤩 i start off on the treadmill for anywhere from 10-30 minutes depending on what i’m doing…if it’s an answering asks on the treadmill kind of day i’ll go at the 6 incline at a 2.5-3mph pace until i’m done clearing my inbox (usually 30ish mins plus or minus 5) and if it’s a day when i just want to be in and out i do a 15 incline at a 3mph pace for 10-15 mins!! after that i lift weights but nothing crazy/above 50lbs 😭 i’m not trying to be jacked so i’m not trying really hard to hit a PR as long as i feel like i worked out!! some of my fav exercises w weights are squats, romanian deadlifts, and the lateral pull-down machine!! after lifting i’ll do yoga to stretch out the muscles i used that day 😄 i go to the gym like twice a week and then horse riding once a week so i work out in a dedicated way only 3x per week and the rest of my steps come from walking around in general HAHA

[1d1195]

ohhh myyy godddd that’s so crazy to me. i’ve been going to weddings since i was a CHILD. i think it’s a culture thing tho bc where im from ppl are always getting married andddd you’re supposed to invite LOTS of people, there’s no such thing as a small wedding😭

but i get being tapped out !! when it’s been too many back to back i get tired and stressed abt it. also funny but i think ive only been to like one funeral ??? maybeee two idk

birthday was fun !! vry simple i stayed home all day im not much of a birthday person, or at least just not my birthday bc i love celebrating my friends. the skincare routine is ???? it’s only been a few days so im not sure yet but ill keep you updated

i was going through dresses with my mom today for the weddings that was fun, always love putting together an outfit. i got a new phone case with one of those cute charms that hang from the bottom and it feels like a whole new phone🤭

I SAW ONE OF YOUR ANONS MENTION SHATTER ME ???? SO FUNNY CAUSE IM READING IT RN (i’m on book 5, anon TRUST when i say things change) im also not a huge dystopian fan at ALL bc it’s just getting too real !!! but i picked this up because my friends were BEGGING me saying i had to read it and I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS DYSTOPIAN 😭😭😭 I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS FANTASY ???? but nope !! its taking me forever to get through them but im pushing thru💪

on the topic of books, have you ever read a court of thorns and roses ??? i spent so long avoiding it for some reason but i finally caved and O!M!G!!!!! i LOVED it. idk if u have or haven’t but i will say i think you’d LOVE rhys😉

wishing you every single good thing in the world cause you deserve it !!!!! tell me how you’ve been <3333

~🎶

The weddings I've gone too haven't been that big either. I think the max was 150 people (but could have been closer to 120). Most of them have really been ~100. It's just so expensive and that's why I'm sick of it. It's a lot to spend on a bridal shower gift, a wedding gift, AND I've been on two destination bachelorette parties so it's just literally been draining my bank account.

I love that you had a lowkey/relaxing birthday! It sounds so nice! I am actually a huge bday fan. It's the only time I want to be the center of attention (or willing to be). What's your favorite kind of outfit? Or your style in general?

Isn't it cute how a little detail can change your whole attitude about something? I got a new screen protector and I'm like "I love this phone again" and last week I was ready to go trade it in HAHHAHA

🎀-anon will hopefully see this! I'm not sure I'll ever read it tbh. Like I said, dystopian really freaks me out now. I was firmly in middle school when The Hunger Games came out and Divergent was all throughout high school. On top of that my friend was recommending a whole bunch of zombie apocalypse books at the time too I was just really stressed while reading which is not what I wanted. It's still not either hahahahaha I don't mind a little conflict obviously but reading about governments and people being horrible to each other for the sake of being horrible (essentially)... I'm all set. I would first watch the news 😂😂

I have not taken the leap to read A Court of Thorns and Roses 😭 I think it's inevitable but I have A LOT of reading to do to get through my bookshelf. I've been making slower progress which isn't very helpful either 🙃 The fantasy side of novels never really piqued my interest either but I've seen lots of good things of course about the series! I'm sure I'll read it eventually, but I don't think I will be doing so just yet. When I do, I will keep an eye on Rhys hehehehe

I've been good. I swear the weekends are getting shorter every week. I'm lowkey dreading May and June but hopefully it will go by as quick as possible 🙃 I'm thinking about taking magnesium supplement because my doctor recommended it as a way to help me get out of my funky moods, boost energy, etc. etc. It's also just supposed to be really beneficial overall. Idk, I'll try anything to fix me hahahahaha I'm reading my book and writing part 4 of Ding...I'm not sure if it'll be done in time for tomorrow. I'm hopeful, but nervous it might be a Thursday update this week. Thanks for asking! Hope you have a great rest of your weekend and stellar start to the week!

xoxo

[wolpvampii]

《ok I've been needing to start writing a diary for a very long time now (even my therapist tried to encourage me to do so) so here i go ☆-diary entry day 1-☆》

13.3.2024

(9:24 am)

currently sittinh in the bathroom floor at school, it's been like ten minutes already oughhhjf i need to get back to class soon or my class assistant is gonna bomb me with the cvtting accusations yet again wahh

im feeling so anxious but relaxed and empty at the same time..

this whole over 1.5 hours I've been just thinking about trying out snorting my adhd meds (equasym) to see what would happen lol

and also thinking abt either cutting a styro/babycut on my throat or cutting a vein on my hand so i would maby get the medical attention I've been needing this past 5 years or so

cuz like apparently me telling my psychologist that the random episodes where im actually considering sewerslide like /srs isn't concerning enough then idk what is

LIKE ALL SHE PRETTY MUCH SAID WAS "everyone has bad days sometimes and if u feel like you want to cut mby consider usind the ice cube or rubber band method next time ☺️☺️" LIKE HUHHH.... DID U GET UR LICENSE FROM TEMU OR SOMETHING WHAT THE FUCKKK !!!?!?!!!!.!?!!!!!!

(9:51 am)

alr went back to class ghhgjd

my teacher just got me a cup of coffee ty pookie but i feel so weirddd feels like im hot ad cold at the same time amd my whole body is shakinf dies and fucking explodes

(10:13 am)

ok i pussied out from snorting them and instead tried to just put the meds under my tongue to see if it has any effect ..💀

currently not really feeling any effects minus shaking and light-headiness but maby that's just me being a whimp idk I'll update later if anything happens im scareddd ( T∀T)

10:45 am

OK BAD BAD MISTAKE GGELPL..

I SRARTED SHAKING LIKE REALLY BADLY AND IT FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO GET AN PANICATTACK OR SOMETHING

then my pussy ass went to whine to the teacher rhat i felt pretty sick and wanted to go to the nurses office, so i did

i relaxed a little after talking to the nurse but still little shaky and light headed tbh

she questioned me then told me to go eat a little then come back when im finished like alrr pooksters 😚😚

11:58 am

at the cafeteria rn but we have tuna lasagna I HATE TUNALASNGA 🗣🗣🗣

like what even is that it looks like it has the mind of it's own stopit

(erm ignore the bunnies, had to put something over that hideous creature so it wouldn't be on display in my profile 😛)

11:18

FUCKING HELLL SHESBCALLING TO THE HEALYHCENTER FUCKKKKFLFKEKJW LIKE I KNOW I NEED HELP BUT I DONT WANT MY PARENTS KNOW WE JUST HAD MY GRANDMAS FUNERAL LIKE5 DAYS AGO AND MY MOM IS PRETTY STRESSED IN GENERAL RN FUCK IM SL HORRIBLE WTF I DONT WANNA MAKE THEM WORRIED STOPPP IM THE WORST SON EVER UGHHH

11:25

the nurse said that she's just making a quick call to the center GIRL IT'S BEEN OVER TEN MINUTES WHO ARE YOU CALLINGG MY WHOLE BLOODLINE??? PLS IM SO NERVOUS

11:43

alr ok im not going to the health center, but the nurse told me that if i get worse i should go see her immediately, or go to the center.

idk im little dizzy and shaky rn but i think we good 😀👍

11:50

hm im thinking about getting a therapy dog/ animal so i wouldn't get these weird toughts and ideas maby

having animal company just relaxes and helps me so idk i did talk abt it with the nurse and she was very positive abt it and said it was a good idea :3

i remember talking to my mother abt it too but she said something like "yeah but your anxeity isn't 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 bad 🤗"

like miss mam your kid cut himself in school multiple times, is paranoid that he might k1ll himself on a whim, tried to get high from his meds just for fun and sometimes even cries in class when left alone but okay if you say so 🤷‍♂️

12:41

alr idk actually maby i should go to the nurses office then the center after all..

maby i could finally get some help to my actual issues, rather than just for my learning problems but who knows

12:50

guys maby taking my meds drug abuser style wasn't such a good idea after all me thinks

13:06

alr school ended but im currently sitting at the nurces office ughh my head spins

feels like im in a dream

13:41

okk walking to rhe health center rn wish me luck gusy

13:46

NVM UHHHSH IM HAVING DOUPTS HHELPP....

IM SO NERVOUS MABY TH8S WAS A BAD ISEA ARFTER ALL UHH

13:51

ight fam im here what noe

14:15

alr they checked my pulse and stuff,

everything was much normal than earlier but my pulse was somewhat high

now im just waiting for another doctor to come and talk to me gulps shivers

14:37

attempt to finally get proper care failed miserably im so pathetic man

they just checked my pulse n stuff and let go

no guestioning why i tried to overdose on my meds but okay.

that shit was so embarrassing dawg💀

i should've just taken more fucking piss baby pussy whimp why didn't i make them check the huge gaping scars on my leg to see if they're infected ugh

alr then i have to think something else, my fucking family and psychologists only care about my academics like i just wanna know what's wrong with me and how could it be fixed

im only diagnosed wirh dyslexia and adhd and in my opinion neither one of them makes a guy act like this tbh..

i also feel like that me being self aware of my situation and everything makes me feel like im just faking this all/ being mentally ill and it just makes me feel so embarrassed and total shit

like it's not valid

like the ppl arounds me, especially my family and friends are just being stressed out over my nonsensical shenanigans

(took me over half an hour to yap allat wtf💀)

15:13

GUYS IS EMOTIONAL SUPPROT FERRET A THING PLEAS3 JUST LOOK ST THEMMM 😭😭😭😭❤️❤️

the way i would never even look at a blade if i had one omgf

i know they are alot to handle and probably wouldn't be a good therapy animal but please jst let me be happy okay?? 😢😢💔

16:01

eepy

16:50

AAAHH HELP STHIT I FORHOT TO TELL MY PARENTS THAT MY DRUMMING LESSON ENDS AT 16:45 ...

both of my parents were just calling me non-stop (my phone was on silence mode 💀)

giggling when i walked out of the building where my class was i just saw my dad pulling away and i just stood there watching him leave like

17:13

meow got home likw 10 minutes ago

it's so weird trying to act all normal with my parents while they have no idea taht i nearly almost overdosed with my meds at school tday 😛

22:28

prolly gonna go sleep soon my heaf hurts so bad gn guys follw for more bangers🔥🔥

[angel-of-the-moons]

Warning guys, don't ever shop at a place called "FYE (For Your Entertainment)" because they WILL sign your credit card that you use in store up for the fucking membership shit without your consent.

Cause guess what kinda charge we just got hit with for an account I DON'T HAVE? Never once got an email from em saying to set up an account etc and their customer service is a joke asking for "backup emails", my full name and address plus the account number I DON'T HAVE.

They literally charged a card I used (wasn't mine, my mom let me borrow hers) in-store for the VIP membership shit.

Man, I've had a bad month so far, we got kicked out of our motel room halfway through our trip, I've had no sleep plus I'm helping arrange a memorial and funeral I can't handle this stress rn...

[cabeswaterdrowned]

I’m not really in the mood to start watching something new even though I technically have a lot I want to lol, so on a whim because I feel like it I’ve started a TVD rewatch attempt let’s see if I follow through! (I’ve only seen the whole show (like 7.5 seasons I didn’t see all of s8) once but I’ve seen majority of s2-3 eps multiple times and a select handful of s1 4 and 5 eps a couple times each and most s6 eps twice since I did a rewatch of just that season in December (technically I did not finish it but that wasn’t about my follow through I just didn’t have hbomax access for a while and by the time I had it back was focused on other things again) 

so anyway. notes I took rewatching the first couple episodes (my plan rn is to Not lb in the format I sometimes do because I think I’ll exhaust myself/my commitment, instead will try to either write some notes during or takeaways directly after watching the eps when I feel like it and share intermittently) 

Pilot 

-Elena Bonnie and Caroline are all so pretty here such pretty faces and pretty shiny hair all around 

-really enjoy how cynical Elena is even as she’s trying to put on a brave “today I will smile and it will be believeable” face. especially her talking about people’s reactions to hers and Jeremy’s grief and the “the rest of the world has moved on” quote near the end I can (unfortunately) relate to a lot of this so much more than the first time I watched the show :(

-Caroline’s immediate interest in Stefan + “it’s not going to happen” I do lol knowing how this all plays out :) 

-Bonnie’s ‘psychic’ ness so cute but also her predicting happiness… ironic not in a happy way. This being one of the episodes if not the episode where she’s happiest I think… 

-Bonlena moments are very cute in the pilot 

-running up the hill wasted on a boring moment in the pilot is so funny, but I do really like it ending with (in a sense) the first steferine moment 

-so much bad and poorly aged dialogue. obviously. but then glimmers of really good dialogue out of nowhere 

-I do sort of wish Damon’s crow powers had been a consistent thread. I don’t remember it being a thing after early s1? Would have been so funny 

-Vicki was a standout to me rewatching this. Knowing what happens to her is so sad… Matt should have died instead of her and She should have been around for the whole show fr 

-Jenna is an angel 

-the dialogue is worse than I remembered overall but I’m going to say the visuals/effects are better than I remembered? 

-also I actually rewatched the Pll pilot a couple days ago so was struck a bit by the similar structure of some things, they both open with the blonde girl who is killed/missing (only for TVD it’s a random girl we have no attachment to, for Pll it’s obviously Alison who is a Presence. and then it’s much later in the TVD pilot that we see Katherine who is the char with Alison haunting status for chars in s1), the focus on the liars but especially Aria/Elena’s attempts to move on from grief general quotes about moving on from the past, similar structuring to some of the Aria&Mike/Elena&Jeremy scenes. the funeral at the end of the Pll ep v Vicki being taken to the hospital at the end of TVD. There are others 

-it also was very funny to me that they stress the “passion” of SE vs Matt and Elena in the pilot considering that is going to become a tag line for DE

The Night of the Comet 

-Elena and Stefan waking up and both thinking ‘wow it’s so weird how I see color/am not as depressed as usual. and it’s all because I remembered what it’s like to be horny’ is hilarious sorry

-I am mad at that teacher I was mad on Elena’s behalf last episode now I’m mad on Jenna’s! Leave Jenna alone 

-the way Damon put his hand on Elena’s back/shoulders in their first meeting to guide her + general manner towards her like makes me uncomfortable. Which I guess is the intention at this point 

-Jenna looks so good I need her 

-when Elena is telling Jenna about Stefan being on the rebound and her responding that “at least it’s another woman wait until you date a guy with mommy issues or cheating issues or amphetamine issues” find this hilarious because Stefan DOES in fact have mommy issues as we will learn, and the show treats his blood issues as metaphorical addiction issues. cheating issues no but his whole transference deal with Katherine-Elena is maybe not so different you could make the argument? like it’s not that but there’s emotional dishonesty in a way. 

-also I just enjoy Elena and Jenna so much as a duo.

-I really like Bonnie’s outfit passing out Night of the Comet fliers with Elena 

-Bonnie touching Stefan and getting bad vibes if such a mood 

-there’s quite a bit of language iin these two episodes that’s aged badly but Caroline’s “druggies are the biggest attention whores” (paraphrased) line about Vicki particularly egregious 

-Gravity playing in the SE kiss is so funny because I first watched this pre Community so now I have the Paradigms association. lol

-but also Stefan’s “it was epic” line my brain made an association to Leronica “I thought our story was epic” and SE could Never be what Logan x Veronica is smh so I was a little offended 

*Also watched Friday Night Bites but actually watched most of that while working out and didn’t take notes. And I have reflections but, not that there isn’t plenty to be said about this episode but I’ll take a pass rn* 

[drabbles-mc]

i have been slacking on my screaming reblogs this month as i've been reading fics and adding them to the discord blog. but i have cleared my schedule for the morning. only thing on the docket??? yelling about this 🫡

It wasn’t a life, but a cheap imitation, and after all, wasn’t that justice? -> the fact that this is punctuating the first paragraph. i have a feeling that by the end of this here 3.2k the answer to that question is NOT going to be what she expects sksksk

Andrea used to have an easy answer to that question -> WHAT DID I SAY?? 😂

Justice always the destination; truth, the means. The most erroneous misconception of all: that one could not exist without the other. -> don't mind me i'm simply just. salivating over this. so absolutely normal over it honestly. can you not tell??? can you not tell that i'm Totally Fine and Completely Hinged about it?????

socks stuffed in his dress shoes, dress shoes in hand, walking through the sand on the beach -> i don't know if you ever watched the show On My Block but there is something about this image that just gives me SUCHHHH big OMB vibes and i mean that in the most complimentary way known to mankind. i'm in love

And though, she condemned his actions, what he’d done, she was reckoning with the difference between deeds and intentions and how the two become misaligned when you’re part of a bigger system. -> god. your mind. her mind. THE MELDING OF YOUR MINDS TOGETHER. like this is stressing me out (complimentary) and i can just. i can feel the struggle in her head.

She used to think that last part didn't matter. But then, she’d been wrong about a lot of things. -> the way my knee-jerk response during these Loving Andrea Hours is to be like, 'she's never been wrong about anything ever in her entire life' but i know that that is categorically untrue sksksksk

people are hard to hate up close -> she's so right for this and i'm sweating about it because i know that this is Foreshadowing. i know that we are In A Narrative rn

Polite, but with the trademark frankness of a kid moonlighting as a career criminal. The authenticity of criminals as a rule never ceased to surprise her -> i need you to know that i will be gnawing on this for the rest of the day like a dog with a new stick. just gnoshing away in my little office.

He only got out for the funeral. The last one he’ll attend maybe ever; a statement, in isolation, that sounds like a good thing, if you don't think about the fact that it’s only because no one’s around left to die. -> hey???? um?????? next time could you maybe?????? FIRE OFF A GODDAMN WARNING SHOT BEFORE GOING STRAGHT THROUGH MY RIBCAGE WITH YOUR BARE HANDS AND RIPPING OUT MY HEART????????????????

Julian orders black coffee and chocolate chip pancakes with a side of French fries instead of hash browns because though they’re both potato-based, he doesn’t like the texture of hash browns. Or at least, that’s the answer he gives when her brows furrow, questioning the distinction. -> hiiiiii helloooooooo as someone who just loves everything about ocs and the creation process of them, i need you to know how much this little detail means to me. hugging my laptop tightly to my chest about it

“Okay, Julian,” she goes with his given name. Because now she knows Bugsy’s a family name, it feels improper to use it, being a total stranger. Like she hasn’t earned it. -> what i'm about to say will come as a shock to many, i'm sure, but: i'm in love with her. i'm so so stupidly in love with her.

rather than copy/pasting like 4 whole paragraphs, i just want to say, that i love how much you emphasize the differences with name usage and the weight that it always carries depending on which one you use. it's so fucking true and to see the way that you navigate it in this makes my heart soar

There were estimates, people tried keeping track, but those were just numbers. Too far away from what mattered. -> this reminds me of that quote about tragedies and statistics etc. it makes my heart hurt how fucking real it is

Her whole monologue to Julian. I'm thrashing about in my office. 😭

NOT THEM HOLDING HANDS AT THE TABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM INCONSOLABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

| Hard to hate up close |

⁂

Pairing: Andrea Nuñez & OC!Julian "Bugsy" Barrón Corona

For @narcosfandomdiscordNarcOctober - Day 24 - Day of Monsters

Prompt: "The world isn’t made up of heroes and monsters. Just broken people balancing between the two.”

Word count: ≈ 3.2K

TWs: Canon-consistent violence, references to trauma/domestic abuse

There’s always the power of choice, insofar as you believe that you have one. The fucked part about it all was the system they were in was built to give most people the false impression that they didn’t have any. After the failed assassination attempt on her boss, Jesús Blancornelas, Andrea Nuñez meets with the little brother of the sicario who did the deed, Julian Barrón Corona aka Bugsy, to understand the man behind the monster.

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She’d always heard a few decades in an American prison left people looking much older than they were. The confinement, the stress, the lack of sun, the terrible food, the boundless future of the same old day-to-day nothing, for some, with no end in sight. Nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to. It wasn’t a life, but a cheap imitation, and after all, wasn’t that justice?

Andrea used to have an easy answer to that question: of course, it was. For a lot of these pinshe pendejos, mercy even. Justice was something she’d believed she had an innate understanding of. Even her father said so. Since she was five, he’d said so. That’s why he encouraged her to be a reporter. But at some point, the concept of justice and the truth became intertwined and simplified in a way that seemed comically obtuse now. You seek the truth and justice will follow. Justice always the destination; truth, the means. The most erroneous misconception of all: that one could not exist without the other.

But the news about Rebollo changed the game, and now, as she watches Julian Barrón Corona – heretofore known to her only by his gang alias, Bugsy – socks stuffed in his dress shoes, dress shoes in hand, walking through the sand on the beach until he reaches the front door of the café, she’s taken aback because he looks younger than his 33 years, even though he hadn’t been in the free world in over a decade, and then she realizes all that racket about truth and justice is a fairy tale. More fit for the panels of a comic book, than the pages of a newspaper. More fiction than nonfiction.

He hasn’t seen her yet, at one of the patio tables outside, and she doesn’t flag him down immediately, preferring to study him from afar instead. He seemingly preoccupied investigating, reading something on the front door. Perhaps trying to figure out if it was absolutely necessary to put his shoes back on. Through the tinted glass of the windows, he finally spots her on the patio, and doesn’t bother going inside, so as not to trouble himself with the shoes. There’s something of herself in that. She hates dress shoes. Glancing at her boots, wiggling her toes inside against the well-worn leather that stretches to accommodate them, yeah, she wouldn’t have wanted to put those foot prisons back on either.

And it all worked out since she hadn’t bothered to dress up for the funeral. Only because she didn’t know she was going until her foot hit the too-green, carefully manicured lawn that blanketed the hills of the cemetery. Her legs did the rest in spite of her – left, right, left, right – bringing her to the edge of the monochromatic crowd of mourners, in varying shades of black and gray. She could barely see the opening of the grave over the flowers piled atop the casket. She hadn’t a clue why she was there. She knew no one, and no one knew her.

The deceased she only knew by reputation, and had seen only twice in person. Once, when she snuck behind the police barrier to sit outside the cathedral and wait for unsuspecting Arellano/Vasquez wedding attendees to exit, spill a little chisme, maybe put her onto a new lead. He’d been standing on the side of the building, probably there to ferry the family to the car from the private entrance of the rectory, once the ceremony ended. Since she was not where she was supposed to be, she hid behind a corner, trying to draw as little attention to herself as possible and didn’t get a good look at him.

The second time was in her car, staking out the hipódromo with Isaac. She was so focused on Benjamín, she didn’t pay the guy at his side much mind, except to mentally note that he looked vaguely familiar. But after visiting Jesús at the hospital, when she went back to the office to write her story, she pulled out Isaac’s pictures again to get a better look. See what he was like not covered in blood, slumped over in the street, with a bullet in one eye. Popeye with one eye. However, tasteless it was, she found that detail darkly hilarious. Until she finally saw him in the pictures Isaac took. His face was expressionless to the point of unsettling, except for his eyes, inky black with an almost ascetic countenance and an unforeseen depth, heavy with the weight of his life and the whole world, bits and pieces that she could only speculate about and that would torture her curiosity forever.

Before that, she’d believed that she hated him. Even though Jesús walked away from that intersection with his life and this man didn’t, she was angry. Pissed. She hated him. Except she didn’t. No, in reality, all she hated was what he symbolized. And though, she condemned his actions, what he’d done, she was reckoning with the difference between deeds and intentions and how the two become misaligned when you’re part of a bigger system. There’s always the power of choice, insofar as you believe that you have one. The fucked part about it all was the system they were in was built to give most people the false impression that they didn’t have any. It wasn’t an excuse, but it was the universal explanation. 

Over time, she'd come to understand that the reasons people do the things they do can be conflicted and strange, at times baffling and inexplicable. Sometimes they hadn’t thought about the reasons at all, just spent their entire lives reacting. The way she saw it, yes, actions are worthy of condemnation and should be the basis by which a person’s character is divined but her own estimations now required further analysis. That’s where the reasons and intentions come in. Not important in the formation of a person’s character, but crucial in her conception of them. She used to think that last part didn't matter. But then, she’d been wrong about a lot of things.

She doesn’t hate him. Because you can’t really hate someone you don’t know. And when you do know it’s still hard. If she’d learned anything in her career, time and time again, it shakes out this way: people are hard to hate up close.

So, why go to the funeral, if not to curse the man's grave? Seated across from Julian now, while he loosens the collar of his shirt, rolls the sleeves up to his elbows, then places them on the table, flipping through the menu like a magazine, that’s what she’s hoping to find out.

“Has pedido ya?” All she sees are a pair of inquiring eyes over the brim of the menu and it’s a sight so strange she almost laughs. But the eyes give her pause. Dark and filled with the mysteries of a life lived too fast and hard to make sense of. Just like his brother’s, only less so. A little freer somehow.

“O, no. Estaba esperándote. No voy a comer probablemente.”

“Ah,” Julian nods. “Pues, yo sí, porque comida en la carcél sabe a puta mierda, perdóname por decirlo.”

Andrea looks down, a tight smile on her face. He's disarming immediately. Polite, but with the trademark frankness of a kid moonlighting as a career criminal. The authenticity of criminals as a rule never ceased to surprise her, so accustomed she was to the dance of obfuscation, a never-ending cycle of Two Truths and a Lie played by political officials, businessmen, spokespersons, strategists, law enforcement, feds, the PJF, the PGR, Cisen, Disen, DEA, CIA, and on and on. Or the dance of silence from the narcos at the top, black-hat politicos themselves who’d finally amassed enough of something to lose by talking.

When truth was unattainable, she’d take silence over lies any day. But criminals, particularly low level ones,  usually had little, if anything to lose. So honesty was usually attainable. To a point, anyway.

On the heels of that, it turns her gut with pity to realize Julian, who started off with little himself, now has nothing. Mother on hospice, both brothers dead, and set to go right back to Calipatria prison in the States. He only got out for the funeral. The last one he’ll attend maybe ever; a statement, in isolation, that sounds like a good thing, if you don't think about the fact that it’s only because no one’s around left to die.

The waiter comes around to take their order, and she opts for a latte to kill the caffeine heading brewing behind her eyes, her usual morning coffee but another casualty in her whiplash decision to go to the funeral. Julian orders black coffee and chocolate chip pancakes with a side of French fries instead of hash browns because though they’re both potato-based, he doesn’t like the texture of hash browns. Or at least, that’s the answer he gives when her brows furrow, questioning the distinction.

The menus are cleared, their coffees brought, and Andrea taps the rim of hers after taking a long sip, not sure how to begin.

Julian seems to pick up on this “Mira,” and opens the conversation with an air of lending a hand, an attempt to help that surprises her, “voy a contestar a toda tus preguntas, porque me diste una excusa para quedarme aquí en Tijauna un poquito más. Así qué tómate tú mejor tiro.”

“Hmmm,” Andrea turns this over. That’s the best thing a reporter can hear, “I’m an open book.” It rarely happens with any real transparency and but this time it is. And of course, this time she has no idea what the fuck to ask. So, she starts off easy, “Prefieres que te llamo Julian o el alias de pandilla, Bugsy?”

“A mí, tampoco no importa. Prefieres que hablamos en espańol o inglés?”

Andrea responds in English, “I don’t mind either, either.”

Mid-sip, Julian chuckles into the edge of his mug, splashing a bit of coffee back onto his nose and cheeks. Mopping it up with a napkin on the table, he takes the opportunity to set things straight. “Bugsy’s not my gang name, by the way.”

“Qué?”

“No me lo dieron la pandilla. Fue un apodo de mi hermano, Matteo.”

Andrea’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. An seemingly mundane detail, its significance betrayed only by the fact that he wanted to set the misconception straight in the first place. That, and the mention of the other Corona brother, Matteo. Who she knew a little bit about. Shot and killed by police more than fifteen years ago for allegedly breaking out of a mental health facility. Along with his obituary, she’d read the only two or three existing, very short news articles about the incident, nothing more than a paragraph in the dailies.

“Okay, Julian,” she goes with his given name. Because now she knows Bugsy’s a family name, it feels improper to use it, being a total stranger. Like she hasn’t earned it. “I don’t–“ Unable to continue, she looks off to the side at the ocean lapping at the shore, trying to gather concoctions of words and images into some semblance of form and thought.

“It’s okay,” Julian shrugs. “I know who you are.”

Her head snaps back at attention. “Sorry?”

“I know you work at La Voz and that your boss is Jesús Blancornelas.”

Andrea leans back in her chair, massaging her temples, and looking up at the red and mint green stripes of the umbrella shading their table.

“Lo siento,” Julian offers, like he’s speaking to a stray cat he’s got cornered but is trying not to spook. “I didn’t mean that in any typa way. S’ not a threat or nothing.”

The front two legs of her chair come down hard, shaking their table. He’s so earnest and she can’t figure out if she wants to punch him for it or cry. She can’t figure out fucking anything anymore. The only thing she can begin to ask to make some sense of any of the bullshit she’s been through in the last six months is, “Why. I just wanna know why.” 

And like that, there they are. The words, out of her mouth, spilling onto the table now for both of them to deal with.

“Why David did it?”

David. So foreign. It was always his full name, David Barrón Corona, or just Barrón Corona. One of the Corona brothers. Sicario for the AFO. Not David. But instead of saying any of that, she just nods for him to continue.

“Well, I don’t know much. Everything we get– y’know on the inside, is piecemeal. But last I talked to him, I know things were going in a direction he didn’t like, y’know. Bystanders, priests,” he motioned with an open hand at her across the table, “journalists, people not in the game. Just wasn’t down for all that, chu’know. That ain't how we came up.”

His English is accented with that Chicano lilt she’s heard in movies and she wonders if his brothers sounded the same. Again with the mundane details, but she needs them. She’s using them. He scratches the corner of his mouth, waiting patiently for her to take her turn in the conversational volley, but she’s too busy deconstructing monsters in her head with mundane details. Harder to hate up close.

So, after another sip of his coffee, he continues, “Y’know where we come up,” he shrugs, looking behind him as if where he came up is right behind him, and in a way it is, “where we come up, options are hard to see your way to when all you’re trying to do is catch your breath. Our dad–“ Pausing to look at the ocean, Julian crosses his arms and clears his throat. Dad is clearly a sticky subject. “Our dad tried to prepare us for the world, in his way. My brothers got it worse than me but I saw enough. And as we got older, everyone around us was turning to the clickas, pandillas como las llamas aquí. Y’know most’d tell you it was to make a buck but it was prolly more to belong.”

Andrea seizes that. “Is that why you guys did?”

Caught in a memory, Julian smiles wryly, “Well, Matteo? Matteo didn’t really belong anywhere, even where he did. But I guess in his own way, yeah. To belong but also as a means to an end. 'Cause we wouldn’t have got the old man out the house without the Red Steps.” He takes a sip of his coffee, like that’s that.

She has the urge to poke holes in that declaration, but something stops her. What he said about options. Choices. How they’re hard to see when you’re just trying to catch your breath. So, instead of arguing, she follows his lead, getting caught up in a memory that’s not hers and doesn't need to be. “So … Matteo was the first domino to fall?”

“Correcto. Y despues de eso, David se une a Matteo, eso fue todo. But the thing is … and,” he shrugs, “this might disappoint you,” looking at her with a sorrow that might look like pity if he had an ounce of condescension in his body, before he  breaks the news gently. “It wasn’t a tragedy. For them, for any of us. 'Cause guess what never happened after that? No one surprised us in the middle of the night with military drills, no one got drunk and pushed us into crowded streets with traffic, claiming it was ‘a test’ to see if we’d flinch, ‘cause 'only pussies flinch and get fucked over by life.' No one yelled at me to finish my peas ‘til I puked at the dinner table. Shoplifting travel bottles of Yukon Jack when the punishment was six months in YA if we got caught. White-knuckling it in the passenger’s seat, drunk driving ninety miles an hour on the 101 freeway at three in the morning. All that? Over.”

Now Andrea's looking down at the table, itemizing that harrowing list in her head that’s left Julian nearly breathless. Hearing it out loud, one after another, she can’t help but feel for him. For them, their family. But  just as she’s about to give way to too much compassion, the fire in her chest erupts, back to a roar, thinking of all the kids on the streets of Tijuana with no fathers. Fathers taken from them too soon. Like Jesús almost was. Like her own was. More fathers than she could keep track of. There were estimates, people tried keeping track, but those were just numbers. Too far away from what mattered.

It’s like he can see the fury building in her right there but if he can't, he addresses it. “I’m not saying it was the right thing– fuck, I’m not even saying it was the only thing to do. There were a lotta options. But no one told us. So, we were never keeping track. Now? In prison? I got nothing but time to keep track. I know exactly what me, Matty, David could’ve done different. But I can’t change what we did. Just try to remember that choice is the only control I have.” He laughs but it doesn’t reach his eyes, “And you best believe that’s a near impossible task where I’m at,” the first sign of bitterness he’s exhibited this whole time but it’s gone as fast as it comes. “But in a lotta ways, prison took away the noise real early for me. The distractions. The expectations of others, of life. What a man’s s’posed to be, s’posed to do. I can’t think in ‘supposed to’ anymore, only what ‘is,' what I can do with that. If anything.”

He stops mid-thought, exhaling energetically and Andrea gets the impression that this is the most he’s said out loud in a long time. To anyone. Or maybe it’s  just a heavy topic and a long day and he’s tired. She doesn’t know this kid that well, Julian. But she has to give it to him. He knows how to close. She purses her lips, digesting what he’s said, deciding to match his transparency with her own.

“Well, Julian. I hear a lot of bullshit in my line of work. And I wasn’t certain what I’d find here, but of course, you have to understand I always prepare myself for that inevitability.” He chuckles at that and the muscles in her temples soften, eyes cast down to look at her hands, as she picks her cuticles nervously. “But you've laid out your truth, so I’ll lay out mine. I came here ready for it. Ready to hate him. Wanting it even. I’d hate you if you’d given me the slightest justification. I came here expecting all the things I’d read and heard to be confirmed, that the monsters I’d made in my head were real because it’s so much easier–“ she trails off. Easier to what?

She doesn’t know, all she knows is, "it’s easier to–“ she huffs, frustrated. Where are the words? Why can't she find the right ones? Oh, fuck it. “Eas– ugh, because it’s just fucking easier. And all I want is for this to be easy because everything else is hard. But you met me with nothing but you and the truth. And all I feel is guilty that I can’t hate either of you.” She throws her hands up in defeat, letting them land on the table. The contact rattles the table and their cups. “But I can’t. I can't, I can't. Because the more I learn, the more it becomes clear that nothing is simple. And that the world isn’t made up of heroes and monsters. Just broken people balancing between the two.”

He laughs, “Yeah, well,” like none of that surprises him. Although given everything he’d been through, there were probably precious few things that surprised him. He surprises her though with what he next, less because it happens and more because he didn’t lose a tooth to her fist for doing it. “My mother used to tell us the only certain thing is absurdity and uncertainty,” he says, reaching across the table for one of her hands, then bringing it on the table to hold in both of his, dark eyes pleading with her own. “And the best way to deal with it is to say the things out loud. Call it what the fuck it is.”

An honest-to-goodness, real and genuine smile smile breaks out across Andrea's face and deepens as she’s filled with relief that she’s still capable of forming is still in working order. She was scared the mechanism would be broken forever. Squeezing his hand like she can telegraph gratitude through her fingertips, she gives a nod, “Thanks.”

He beams back at her like the sun. 

About to let go of his hand, she remembers what she’d thought about earlier – how he started off with little and has nothing to lose because he has nothing now – and grips it tighter still, “Hey, Bugsy,” drawing a puzzled look from him. “About your brother. I’m j– I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“Just ... for everything.”

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[scotty-nobody]

It's another rough one tonight lads