#Fucking mental health break cry me a river

[eidolongay]

I got this stuffed animal I pre-ordered in March that was supposed to be here in August and like, I'm not even that happy i wish I could have refunded it but mysteriously one of the many problems the seller faced were emails getting lost so I never got any confirmation :/

[rpcburnbook]

alias-changer here: i switched in order to make a definitive break from a former toxic and abusive rp partner who stalked and isolated me from others for years. fuck you for trying to accuse me of doing something shady. i wanted to pick back up a beloved hobby without that mental health-destroying experience hanging over my head. // be honest. you were the problem. the gaslighting here is hilarious. go cry a river and try to be a victim again. // found my abuser

.###

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 16, part two

(Masterpost of All the Rewatches) (Previous Post) (Canary’s Pinboard of Stuff)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes

Just A Box of Rain

The brothers find Jiang Yanli and tell her what happened. Pro Tip: a good way to deliver bad news is like this. 1. say "I have bad news" so the person can be prepared for a shock 2. clearly state the bad news. 

Standing in front of the person with tears streaming down your face and looking away when they try to meet your eyes is not, actually, a super effective method for delivering bad news. 

This episode continues to be punctuated by closeups of characters' hands as they respond to events. 

Yanli clutches her broken lotus pendant, cutting her palm and bleeding as she weeps.

Not-at-all symbolic rain drenches the three of them while they cry, standing apart and not comforting each other.

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep You think that you're gonna drown Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep With all this rain falling down

(more after the cut)

They upgrade their boat with repaired seats and a real oar, and move along toward a hopefully-safer location. 

The scenery continues to be gorgeous, and it appears to be actually really raining on this river or lake. We see Wei Wuxian's hand on the boat's oar as he takes his siblings to what he hopes will be safety.

Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken

OP is valiantly resisting dropping a chunk of "Don't Pay the Ferryman" lyrics in here, because projecting European symbolism onto Chinese media is not my bag. This scene does carry a lot of weight, though, showing Wei Wuxian’s sadness and isolation, his ever-growing distance from his siblings and reminding us of his servant status. While his siblings sit under shelter with tears falling down their faces, Wei Wuxian stands in the rain, laboring to protect them and not letting his own tears fall.

It's totally reasonable that Wei Wuxian is the one to man the oar, right? I'm sure Jiang Cheng is the more exhausted of the two of them even though Wei Wuxian started off his day yesterday getting whipped FIVE times by the Zidian and ended it by being choked for 45 seconds.  

Self-Isolation

They reach an inn, where Yanli has a fever, maybe from being left outside all night while her brothers failed to work out any of their interpersonal shit, followed by getting extremely rained on for hours and hours. 

Wei Wuxian carefully puts on a bright, optimistic face for her, practicing for his future fake happiness after the Burial Mounds.

Jiang Cheng sits and has a lot of feelings, totally not helping while Wei Wuxian tends to Yanli. This is not typical of him and just shows how deeply shocked he is by what's happened; usually he is extremely attentive to Yanli and careful with her health.

Wei Wuxian tries to get Jiang Cheng's attention, so that Jiang Cheng can take over caring for Yanli while Wei Wuxian gets medicine. Jiang Cheng is busy staring into the middle distance, and won't respond.

This is Wei Wuxian realizing that absolutely nobody is going to help him.  

Wei Wuxian goes out in his distinctive robes with no hood or anything, to buy some fever medicine, and is quickly surrounded by guards.  They hear "we caught him" and run off, leaving him be.  

What Wei Wuxian doesn't know, that we learn in Episode 50, is that Jiang Cheng and his death wish decided to take a stroll, and seeing the Wen soldiers approach Wei Wuxian finally snapped him out of his reverie.  So he let himself be caught in order to draw them away from Wei Wuxian. 

Let's talk about this choice. In terms of clan roles, Wei Wuxian is absolutely the expendable one. Jiang Cheng became the clan leader when his father died, and knew it from the moment he saw his father's body. 

So far he's 1. Tried to go back to fight and die, against his parents' express instructions 2. left his sister alone in an inn with a fever 3. given himself up to be killed in place of his chief disciple, when it's his disciples' job to die for him, if it comes to that. All but two of Clan Yao's disciples died to protect fucking Captain Blowhard, for goodness sake.  

All of these actions are emotionally super understandable; he's young, he's had a terrible shock, and he's an emotional guy who's never heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. And I'm not here to defend feudal power structures. But perhaps Jiang Cheng shouldn't ring the "YOU PROMISED" bell quite so loud in the future, considering his own relationship to his obligations. 

Wei Wuxian begs Yanli to stay put and stay safe while he goes to find Jiang Cheng, and he promises to take Jiang Cheng back from the Wens. Yanli clutches his hands and asks him to promise again that he will rescue their brother, and that they will all go to Meishan together. But for once Wei Wuxian is completely honest, and disentangles his hands and sets off without another word.  

More running ensues, this time in the rain. To quote Adam in Season 7 Episode 1 of Spooks, "all this traumatized running is starting to really annoy me." (Spooks is the shit. Don't watch it if you like characters to have a lifespan longer than a mayfly's)

Camera Operator: Finally, a little appreciation

Wei Wuxian arrives in Lotus Pier, and can we just take a second to appreciate the decor of this place? Look at that tile floor with the cobblestone border, and the bamboo wall panel behind him.

He grabs the first Wen he finds, who turns out to be a much-needed friend.

Rescue Me

The Untamed is the tale of a man’s devotion; devotion so strong it transcends clan allegiance and even death. And that man’s name is Wen Ning.

Initially Wei Wuxian chokes him, like bros do, until he recognizes him and lets him go...

...only to immediately grab him and demand to know if he had a part in the massacre. Wen Ning stays pretty calm, seeing the angry side of Wei Wuxian for the first time, and explains that he heard about what happened, and is there to help.

Wei Wuxian absorbs this and lets him go, giving us a closeup of their hands together, with Wen Ning not so much resisting Wei Wuxian's grip as giving a steadying grip of his own to his best friend.

Wen Ning, who Wei Wuxian saved from one water demon, has already saved Wei Wuxian from one horrifying animatronic dog, and does not actually owe him a life debt at this point. Wen Ning has defied his sister and his entire clan and flown to Lotus Pier with a team of minions, with the specific intent of fucking things up for Wen Chao to the best of his abilities, simply because "Wei Wuxian is a nice person." 

Wei Wuxian isn't feeling like a nice person just now, however, thinking that he can use Wen Ning as a hostage to...what, trade for his brother? Wen Chao would probably be happy to kill Wen Ning himself, but his dad needs Wen Ning as a way to control Wen Qing, so maybe that plan would work.

Then Wei Wuxian sees this small pouch hanging from Wen Ning's belt, and it stops him in his tracks.

For once we are not given a flashback to explain his thinking, so I’ll provide one

The talisman he gave Wen Ning to protect him, now protects him from Wei Wuxian himself. He lets Wen Ning's arm go, and tries to think of another plan. 

Wen Ning already has another plan, and has come to Lotus Pier prepared to enact it. 

Wei Wuxian can't believe he's found someone to help him. In a moment of wrenching vulnerability, he asks Wen Ning to save Jiang Cheng and to retrieve the bodies of Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan. Wen Ning immediately agrees. 

Wen Ning then embarks upon the least sneaky sabotage campaign of all time, chatting to the guards while messing with the wine, and generally acting like a person who is up to something. 

Nobody respects him enough to worry about it, though, and the party proceeds as planned.

The banquet is set up in the cleaned-up courtyard of Lotus Pier The Yunmeng Supervisory Office, and features dancing girls performing in the center of the beautiful carved paving, and corpses hanging in the doorway. 

I bet Jin Guangyao hires this same dance troupe for his future parties.

Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao sit at the main table, snuggling and being gross, but mercifully not necking on-camera because this is a 100% no-necking show. The drinks are sent around and Wen Chao tells Wen Zhuliu to drink up. 

Wen Zhuliu is busy gazing wistfully at Yu Ziyuan's corpse.

Let's face it, Wen Zhuliu is the only dangerous person in this place at the moment, so what he does next is the make-or-break for Wen Ning’s plan. 

Wen Zhuliu smells his wine and immediately can tell something is wrong. He takes a long moment to consider the situation, eyes on Yu Ziyuan, and then downs it, letting his emotions--perhaps something in the neighborhood of remorse, perhaps simple disgust at his craven supervisor--get the better of him.  

In the morning he will be able to tell Wen Chao with 100% precision exactly what the drug is, probably from smelling it right here. This is the only miscalculation Wen Zhuliu makes in the whole show, and it eventually costs him his life.

Wen Zhuliu has no reason to think this decision will hurt him. It's definitely impossible for Jiang Cheng, whipped and crushed, to avenge himself and his parents. But Jiang Cheng, with Wei Wuxian’s help, is going to achieve the impossible. 

We end with Wei Wuxian hiding while he waits for Wen Ning, as strung out as we have seen him so far, although he's got worse mental states ahead of him on his journey.  He doesn't know yet if he was right to trust Wen Ning, and the episode ends with him, cold, wet, and miserable, waiting to find out. 

Next Episode: Still miserable, but with a cape! Soundtrack: 1. Patty Griffin, Rain  2. Grateful Dead, Box of Rain

[chironshorseass]

angst number 5 for percabeth?

“What’s the point?”

Dear anon, I am sorry that I got a but carried away. Just a teeny bit. 

Read on ao3.

Au in which Percy killed the Goddess of Misery, back in Tartarus.

tw: drowning, implied abuse, mental health issues, mild blood

Percy woke up drowning.

In the back of his mind, he knew that that was not possible. In the back of his mind, he could hear the running water. Water from the shower faucet.

He’s floating, maybe. In the tub.

But that’s not what was going through his mind at the moment. All he felt was breathlessness. And water. But it wasn’t the good kind. This water, cold and dark, did not want him.

No, it wanted to destroy him.

Like Misery.

He’d killed that goddess, once upon a time. Made her choke on her tears, turned her blood to dust.

The running water sounded like her, that wretched being. She was laughing at him.

He forgot why and where he was in the first place. That laugh was the only thing that was certain at the moment. And the water—with its icy breath—filled up his mouth and lungs.

Where was he in his dreams?

Hopefully not here.

His arms reached out, searching for something—anything—that could pull him out of this hell. They could’ve been nonexistent, for all the help they managed to achieve. He felt as if his own body couldn’t even move an inch. He wanted someone to save him.

Maybe you don’t deserve to be saved.

.

.

The memory gushed around Percy, resurfacing from the deepest parts of his mind—well, to be honest, it had always been there, gnawing at him.

Tartarus always came back to haunt him, one way or another.

He was there, right next to the inky abyss, surrounded on all sides by the liquid poison and its fumes. It crawled slowly but surely toward him like liquid honey. He backed away but knew it was no use. He’d die one way or another.

Annabeth screamed at Akhlys, trying to get the goddess’ attention away from him. She had the likeness of one of the corpses that Nico liked to sprout from the ground, not at all looking like that beautiful and vibrant girl he had once known.

Percy lifted his head to look at Misery, the mastermind behind it all. She grinned at him, flashing her golden fangs. Her cheeks were rivers of blood, like the blood he tasted in his mouth as he bit his tongue so he wouldn’t cry out from the sudden pain.

He glared at the poison, its small lakes pooling around him.

Lakes.

Liquid.

Maybe he was mad. But maybe he didn’t have to die right now. The ringing in his ears grew louder; Annabeth’s shouts sounded further away. But he could stop this, he had to try.

He concentrated, feeling the familiar tug in his gut. The poison paused in its tracks.

“What is this?” Ackhlyss’ voice bordered on manic.

“Poison,” Percy rasped, standing up with shaking legs. His motive, however, didn’t falter. “That’s your specialty, right?”

He watched as the toxic liquid retreated farther from him and toward Akhlyss’ feet as if she were a magnet and the poison was metal. It sizzled against her toes, and she jumped, shrieking. She swiped at it, but more came.

“You dare go against me, boy?” But as she said it, tears flooded her eyes; her knees buckled. After many futile attempts, she screeched, “Stop this!”

But he was just getting started.

Her control over her own creation was over, dominated by someone else.

The goddess shrunk into herself, tears flowing like rivers down her cheeks.

Oh, good. More water.

He had the urge to laugh. How foolish of her.

Percy concentrated, searching deeper and deeper into the root of his powers. Soon enough, he had Akhlyss choking on her own tears; it engulfed her mouth and eyes. She clutched her throat, poison burning her legs as it climbed into her as well.

He was dimly aware of Annabeth calling to him—begging, but she didn’t understand this feeling that Percy felt. This glass-shattering sensation against his stomach. How good it felt, to finally control what could never be controlled.

So he didn’t listen. Instead, he clenched his fists and kept it up. See how much misery Misery could take.

He pushed further into him, and Akhlyss’ blood boiled.

Minutes or hours or days passed before her wailing sounds and anguished cries stopped for good. The poison finally encased her entire body, and she lay on the ground, motionless. In the blink of an eye, her remains were turned to dust.

It is done.

“Percy?”

Annabeth walked up to him, taking her time. The look on her face was enough for him to stagger, clutching his stomach.

“Percy?” she whispered, now closer to him.

His name lingered in his mind, a chanting that never seemed to stop. But through the agony in his gut and Annabeth’s muffled sobs into his shirt, her expression afterwards was what haunted him most.

It is done.

.

.

Something broke inside him that day, he knew. Just like right now, when his powers and his heritage served him no purpose.

It was as if he were trapped in an eternal void. His hands, finally able to do something, clawed at his throat, willing his lungs to work.

Why can’t I breathe?

Why can’t I breathe .

He was the hero, the son of Poseidon; this wasn’t supposed to be happening.

What an ironic way to die , don’t you think?

The laughter kept invading his thoughts, ringing across his brain just as horribly as the water.

He gasped out, scouring for any oxygen he could steal.

Water.

Water in my lungs.

Had he always been drowning? Or was this a nightmare?

Perhaps he should just give up. Perhaps the water wouldn’t feel so cold if that were to happen.

But if he listened closely to the chaos, he could make out a muffled scream. Someone crying out, pronouncing his name.

Arms grabbed him by the shoulders, and suddenly he’s sitting up, leaning into someone else. Hands grasped his face, soft and tender. Sobs echoed across the room. His eyes were shut tight, but he’s sure that he’s in some kind of room.

Right, the bathroom.

The laughter stopped.

He tried to breathe again, but he found that he still couldn’t, the door of his lungs yet to unlock. Panic seized into him once more. He tried to open his eyes, but they felt like lead weights.

Annabeth. He realized now, that she’d been the one to pull him out. She was here, shaking him, crying, letting the water pour down the drain.

If I could only breathe.

He faintly registered the way she gently pushed him down, making him lie on the cool tub, now free of the water. He felt pressure on his chest. Her hands, compressing and releasing.  

And then, maybe, he could breathe again. His world was still tinted in balck around the edges, though.

.

.

Annabeth had her arms wrapped around him, both of them lying on their sides in the comfort of his bed. She protected his Achilles’ spot, a habit she never could break. As much as her doing this filled Percy with ease and calmness, he knew the truth: she couldn’t protect him. Not really. His true war was with himself.

Her warmth didn’t seem to suffice, either. Or the snug pajamas that she had given him to wear.

He could still remember the bathtub’s chill, after all. And Tartarus.

Annabeth snuggled closer to him. He felt her breathing against his neck, real and alive. She threaded her fingers through his and kissed the nape of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” she said, voice breaking. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. That I didn’t realize—”

“S’not your fault. I just...” A lump formed in his throat. He swallowed it down. “I don’t know why. Why was I fucking drowning, ‘Beth? Why?”

His eyes bored into the dusty bookshelf in his room, but soon his sight blurred. A tear fell down his cheek and into his mouth. It tasted like the sea. The sea that betrayed him.

“Maybe, maybe you’re just scared.”

“Like you were of me?” He shut his eyes tight. “When I killed her?”

Her curls tickled his face as she shook her head.

“No,” she whispered. “I could never be scared of you.”

“But you were. I know you, Annabeth. And I know you’re scared, even now. And the worst thing? You’re scared of me.”

“No.” Her tone took a hard edge. “I’m not scared of you. Gods you’re the person I love most in this fucked up world. Why would I be scared of you?” Her hand unclasped from his, moving it to his damp hair, combing through the dark curls. “No, I’m scared of what you could do to yourself.

“Especially when Sally’s not here, and we’re alone and I, I assume you’re fine. But I’m not even fine, so it makes no fucking sense that I didn’t try to see what was wrong earlier, and...and…” She broke down into sobs, face smothered into the crook of his neck as he lay there, unmoving. His eyelids were closed, but tears escaped them anyway.

She pressed her damp nose against his skin and took a shaky breath.

“I never…” She lifted her face and swept back some of the hair that stuck to his forehead.

He opened his eyes, and finally looked at her, craning his neck to do so. Her cheeks glistened with tears and her hair was a tangled mess, but he took in her image, gazing at her with new vision.

It hit him—that this girl would forever be his anchor, his haven. This complicated, sweet and amazing girl, with eyes akin to the storm inside him. That she was protecting him. That she wanted him to heal. She reclined on her elbows, softly caressing his exposed cheek with her thumb. Then, she leaned down and kissed his tears away.

“I never—and I thought you were going to die,” she said in a small voice. “...I never knew how powerful you could be.”

He stiffened under her touch.

“What’s the point, anyway? It’s not like my powers work anymore.”

He didn’t dare admit what he yearned to say, that he deserved every last breath of pain. That Gabe, that sorry excuse of a stepfather, had been right. That Percy would amount to nothing, and in the end, he’d end up just like that horrible man. He already felt it inside of him, settling comfortably as if reuniting with an old friend.

“But they do work, Perce.”

“How would you know?” His tone sounded accusatory, but Annabeth didn’t seem to mind. “I was drowning, just like in that prophecy. In Alaska.”

“I know you still have them, because I feel it in you. And now you’re letting it consume you instead of controlling it. What happened down there...you can’t change what you did.”

He exhaled, “I wish I was sorry.”

She didn’t respond, only settled back into him.

After a few minutes of staring at the heaps of comics and the little night light, she murmured, “You’ll be alright. We can work through this. Together. I know we can.”

He could only wish he felt the same way.

Nearing to the edge of dreams in his sleep, he felt the water once again. At first, he realized that it was the same way as in the bathtub. Darkness and cold. Jagged ice.That horrible sensation of panic and helplessness.

Images flashed through the currents. Teeth and golden eyes and blood and choking. Voices whispered to him.

Let go.

What is life, anyway?

It’s useless. That’s what life was.

The water wouldn’t let him breath, anyway, so he sunk into the depths. He was used to this. It didn’t matter.

As he drifted away, a voice came to his mind, so startling and out of place in the coldness that it felt like someone had suddenly spoken right into his ear.  

Remember your lifeline, dummy.

Annabeth had said that, hadn’t she? He wasn’t so sure; he couldn’t remember much about anything.

What was it?

Anchor.

Something pulled him upright. It was a tug, coming from the small of his back. And then the darkness didn’t seem as imposing. The whispers and wailing stopped. A smile came to his mind. A face hallowed in a crown of golden hair. She was by the sea, splashing salty water with foam and laughing.

Anchor.

No, Annabeth wouldn’t want this for him; he could fight to live. He could get better. The water turned blue and warm, like drinking a mug of hot cocoa. He gasped, letting his tired lungs have what they wanted from the start.

She was right, gods, was she always right. Hiis powers still worked. And clearing his mind, he remembered the breathing methods they’d practiced, him and Annabeth.

One in, two out, three in, four out.

Up on the surface, the sun gleamed, sending golden ripples all around.

A hand appeared from the outside, cutting into the water. There was a canoe; he could see the dark silhouette. This time, his limbs moved with ease.

One in, two out, three in, four out.

The currents guided him up, up into the world. When he drew nearer to the person on the other side, he looked up, only to be blinded by the sun. But movement from above blocked the light like an eclipse.

Annabeth.

Always Annabeth.

She beamed, seemingly annoyed and amused at the same time, her yankees cap tucked over her hair. Her arm extended toward him, and she laughed. The echoes rippled even in the water.

“Hold on, Seaweed Brain. You’re not getting away from me that easily.”

He felt it now. It wasn’t the currents moving him toward the sound of her voice, but a cord. A single golden thread.

“Come on. Take my hand.”

And so he did.

[geshertzarmeod]

Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles​ made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro.  I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden.  This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela.  I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan​ . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray​ . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

[kaori-flowers]

Nikki and Ranboo my all time favorite siblings :)

Also I wrote some shit. It might be sad idk. Idk what people find sad and not sad. Sorry!!

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Nikki stood silently next to the others, and she kept her posture straight as she could. Her back was aching and her chest was hurting from the words that were being said. She held her composer, and kept her face dry but she was really hurting. Both physically and emotionally. Nikki glanced at the L'manburg tree and then the rest of the group. Her heart tightened more as the memories of this place resurfaced.  She looked down and away quickly, taking a slow deep breath.

"Nikki have you got something to say?"

Quackity had noticed her odd movements and the uncomfortable stiffness she had while standing straight. A few others looked at Nikki quickly, the mention of her name raised questions. To them Nikki was silent. Obedient. She did what she was told, sometimes speaking her opinion about it but still doing it. No one ever really second looked Nikki, just seeing her as a friendly person. That does what she's told..... all the time.....

"Um..."

Nikki was sick of it. She was not a shadow of Wilbur. She was not a shadow of anyone actually. She never will be, but that's what people see her as. It was wearing her down, and upsetting her more and more lately. Everything that was going on was so stressful and it put everyone on edge. So almost every little thing bothered Nikki now a days, especially since she was already extremely irritated. She just wanted to go home to her foxes and flowers, and relax away from all this pain. This war. The suffering. She didn't want to be a part of this anymore. So she decided that she wouldn't. She's her own person who is in control of her own life, and she's about retake control of it like she should.

"A-actually.... I do!"

Nikki moved quick, picking up the lava bucket with her bare hands. Before anyone could piece together what was happening, Nikki threw the bucket. It landed on a thick branch and dumped all down the side of the tree. The lava almost instantly burned the bark and flames errupted quickly, engulfing the tree. Nikki quickly kneeled and put her hands in snow as tears slid down her face. The lava bucket was insanely hot and definitely didn't let Nikki catch a break.

"Nikki!!"

"What the hell?!"

"What the fuck Nikki?????"

"Get water quickly!"

It was too late though because the lava was burning holes into the tree, and seeping inside it. Flames were raging inside the tree as the lava soaked into it slowly. The water seemed to just make the fire rage harder in anger at the attempt to stop it. Nikki looked up quickly as Tubbo walked towards her in an attempted strut. Nikki stood up and kept her hands held out in front of her gently. Tubbo stopped quickly and restrained himself from hitting her.

"Why. Did you. Do. That?! Are you a traitor just like Ranboo?!?!"

Nikki scoffed, rolling her eyes at Tubbo's question. She then gently flicked her head so the hair in her face would disappear. Tubbo crossed his arms and Nikki would have done the same if she could. But her hands are burnt. The others slowly encroached onto both of them, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Ranboo isn't even a traitor! He's just confused and new here! He doesn't understand that he can't live in peace and harmony with everyone. Im starting to agree with him though!"

"Nikki-"

"Shut up! You all need to shut up and listen! Okay?!"

Nikki never had such an outburst before, and it made everyone uncomfortable and surprised. Nikki was usually very silent and obedient to everything that was said or that went on. Suddenly now she decides to jump out of her shell and stand up for herself. She want's to be in control of her life from now on, rather than letting others control her. She is tired of being walked on and looked past.

"NONE of you care about me! None of yo-"

"We do!"

"No you don't! No one asks how I am. Or if I'm okay. No one even gives me a second glance, because I do what you all say! I'm letting you all run most of my life and it's horrible! I hate it! I hate this life that you all gave me!!"

Nikki's voice shook as anger and upsetness rushed through her heart, making her chest tighten. Everyone slowly looked around at each other awkwardly, feeling uncomfortable. No one here had ever seen Nikki so emotionally and defensive before. So it was extremely uncomfortable for them, and they had no clue what to do or really say. They were all used to her being obedient and doing what was asked with very little complaints. Out of everyone Nikki was the one that talked back the least. Until now of course...

"NONE of you are even my FRIENDS!! You only talk to me when you fucking need something. No one ever visits me. No one ever has a normal conversation with me."

"Nikki, I'm sorry i-"

"It's always about asking me to do something for you. Or to join your stupid fucking side. WHY should I even JOIN ANY sides?! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME. NONE OF YOU ARE MY FRIENDS!"

Nikki's voice didn't bother to hide its emotion, shaking as her heart seemed to tighten in pain. Tears gracefully slid down her cheeks as she yelled at the people before her. Everyone around her was unnaturally silent now, unsure of what to do. None of them had EVER seen Nikki this upset or even crying like this. Tears were streaming down her cheeks in an almost constant flow. Nikki was so upset and she couldn't stop her tears or her voice from shaking. Her throat felt like it had a hard lump in it as she tried to hold back a choked sob. Her hands tried clearing her cheeks of tears but it was no use, because they just kept flowing like a river. She let out a shaky sigh and closed her hands the best she could.

"I am going home. I am no longer a part of this place or any of you. Do not contact me. You didn't care to begin with so do not pretend to care now."

"Nikki wait!"

"Don't touch me! I am DONE with all of you! This is my life and I'm going to live it how I want. I don't want to be your little.... little... SLAVE anymore. I hate all of you for not ever giving a shit about me!"

It was clear in her voice that her mind was made up, and the shock factor prevented anyone from trying to stop her. They all stood and stared in silence, watching her as if they had just seen a ghost. Which Nikki would now become a ghost, or at least a partial ghost. She wasn't gonna stay here anymore. So she was gonna end up as memory in the back of everyone's head. Just like what happened to all the others that left. They all ended up as a memory in the back of peoples head, occasionally popping up from time to time. Not something someone thinks about to begin with, but it manages to find it's way to the front of the mind.

"Are you okay?"

Ranboo wasn't good at whispering but Nikki was a little grateful he tried. He was late to the 'party' but caught the end of Nikki's speech. As her younger brother he worried greatly about her. Especially since her hands are severely burned, and tears were flowing down her cheeks like a river. She lightly smiled at him and nodded ever so slightly, linking arms with him gently. She lead him away from the people, and away from L'manburg. She was done with them. With that place. It was no longer a part of her and never would be ever again.

"Here, they can't see us."

Ranboo made her stop walking and pulled out his pocket first aid kit. She smiled lightly at the thought of her little brother carrying that around. Ranboo gently wrapped each of Nikki's hands with gauze after softly rubbing burn cream on them. Once both Nikki's hands were wrapped, she hugged Ranboo quickly and tightly. He stumbled for a second, surprised by the hug, but hugged her back right away. She closed her eyes and held onto him for a few minutes. Ranboo didn't mind and waited, as he would any other time. He figured she needed a hug and no matter how long it took he would hug her.

"So.... Does this mean I get to live with you now?"

Nikki's throat hurt immensely after she coughed out a few harsh laughs. Ranboo looked at her worried as she gently rubbed her throat. It wasn't too bad though, since she could still talk.

"Sure. We'll have to do some house renovations though."

She smiled softly, as she looked up at her tall brother. It took him a second to understand what she meant, but when he got it he smiled brightly. She hugged him again, this time a lot more gentler and less needy. Ranboo didn't hesitate to hug her back, resting his head ontop of hers. She sighed slowly and closed her eyes as she continued to hold him. Nikki was grateful she still had Ranboo. He seemed to the only one that actually ever cared about her feelings and well being. And even if he wasn't.... Well, now he truly was. He was all she had left now, except for her foxes of course.

"Come on, let's keep going. We have a long walk before we get home."

Ranboo gently nudged her back from the hug and gave her a light smile. She smiled back, nodding a little before linking arms with him again. They began walking the memorized path to Nikki's house quietly. Ranboo was constantly glancing over to make sure Nikki was still okay throughout the whole walk. He didn't exactly care about the house, more about Nikki. She was his only sister and probably always will be. She was so important to him and his mental health without her knowing.

"Thank you, Ranboo."

Her soft voice seemed to put his racing, panicked thoughts at ease. He smiled at her and nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Ranboo was a big softie when it came to his sister, and now it was all about her. He would do anything to protect her and if it meant making sure none of the people he thought were his friends come by.... Then so be it.

[thelittlestcheshire]

even if you have to cry, don't let your crown fall

a love letter to luxor’s ches elswood

Well, it’s finally time that I feel ready to post this, and while I’m aware it may be bittersweet with my upcoming departure, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Today I present to you a three hour Ches playlist, divided into sections and covering her entire time at Luxor, from when I first picked her up in June of 2019 all the way to now. There’s quite a few plot references, and small (and not as small) references to other muses throughout, especially when it comes to Elliot, so keep an eye out for those as well!

I’d like to thank Lex for giving me the idea to make these, and her support throughout the process because without her, these playlists wouldn’t even exist. And thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with us, while I’m sorry I need to dip out early after this event to focus on my health, I love y’all so much.

The standard Ches tws apply (poor mental health, alcoholism, etc etc), and anything I think may be a bit abnormal / section exclusive is noted on the sections.

twist me like a key, then you open the lock | pre-luxor:

the section of time before I played Ches at Luxor, very James heavy. additional tws: Death (Sign of the Times), Toxic relationships (nothing explicit tho)

Sign of the Times (Jasmine Thompson) [ Remember everything will be alright. We can meet again somewhere, somewhere far away from here. ] // Sweet Ophelia (Zella Day) [ Singing like it's a full moon, careless now that he has you. Turns you on to the right songs, promises that you're hooked on. ] // Couple of Kids (Maggie Lindemann) [ Now I'm fallin' heavily, recklessly, trying not to lose my sensibility; but gravity, it pulls me into you. ] // Glowstick (Sofia Karlberg) [ You play me like a line-up; long con, you make me wise up. ] // Crying in the Club (Camila Cabello) [ Ain't no crying in the club, hey, hey, let the beat carry away, your tears as they fall, baby. Ain't no crying in the club, hey, hey, with a little faith, your tears turn to ecstasy. ] // Ember (Katherine McNamara) [ Reignite; you lost your grip on me, and now I blaze wild and free. ]

nobody shows up unless i'm paying, have a drink on me cheers to the failing | summer & fall 2019:

the first time I was at Luxor playing ches, from June - October 2019

7 rings (Ariana Grande) [ Been through some bad shit, I should be a sad bitch. Who woulda thought it'd turn me to a savage? ] // I'm a Mess (Bebe Rexha) [ “It's gonna be a good, good life;” that's what my therapists say. ] // OMG (Little Mix) [ Oh my gosh, I did it again. He said I broke his heart, it keeps happening. ] // Only Angel (Harry Styles) [ Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short, but I think that's what I like about it. ] // LA Devotee (Panic! At The Disco) [ Drinking white wine in the blushing light, just another LA Devotee. ] // Woman Like Me (Little Mix feat. Nicki Minaj) [ I made a few mistakes, I regret it nightly. I broke a couple hearts that I wear on my sleeve. ]

all of this emptiness i've been sharing, it never comes when i want it to | winter 2019:

the period of time Ches went home to be with her family and was away from luxor additional tws: vomiting (Habits (Stay High))

Carmen (Lana Del Rey) [ Darlin’, darlin’, doesn't have a problem lyin’ to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf ] // How You Remind Me (Avril Lavigne) [ And I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle. These five words in my head scream, "Are we havin' fun yet?" ] // Playing God (Paramore) [ This is the last second chance (I'll point you to the mirror). I'm half as good as it gets (I'll point you to the mirror). I'm on both sides of the fence (I'll point you to the mirror). Without a hint of regret, I'll hold you to it ] // Habits {Stay High} (Tove Lo) [ Staying in my play pretend, where the fun ain't got no end. Oh, can't go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain. ] // Bedroom Window (The Pretty Reckless) [ As I look out of my bedroom window; is it all real or just fantasy? I have lost touch with what makes me human, I have lost touch with reality. ] // Impossible Year (Panic! At The Disco) [ There's no sunshine, this impossible year; only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear. ]

i wouldn't say you got the best of me, i'd say you got me somewhere in between | spring 2020:

Ches’s return to Luxor, and the months following leading up to her mass text about Leo’s dad following the Lake Bash

3 O'Clock Things (AJR) [ Would you go running if you saw the real me? Maybe you'd love 'em, yeah, maybe you'd feel me. ] // Wild Heart (Bleachers) [ Well, everything has changed and now I can't tell what matters. I will find any way to your wild heart. ] // Rise (Katy Perry) [ When the fire's at my feet again and the vultures all start circling. They're whispering, “you're out of time.” But still, I rise. ] // Don't Stop Me Now (Queen) [ I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars on a collision course. I am a satellite, I'm out of control. ] // Princesses Don't Cry (CARYS) [ Girls, so pretty and poised and soft to the touch, but God made me rough. Girls, so heavy the crown, they carry it tall, but it's weighing me down. ] // Save Rock And Roll (Fall Out Boy feat. Elton John) [ You are what you love, not who loves you. In a world full of the word 'yes', I'm here to scream... no, no (no, no). ] // Making a Monster out of Me (Katherine McNamara) [ And I don't know how to recollect the morals that I always did possess. Don't know where its leading me. ] // We Don't Have To Dance (Andy Black) [ You're never gonna get it, I'm a hazard to myself. I'll break it to you easy. This is hell, this is hell. ]

tonight it's alright, i can see the tunnel at the end of these lights | summer 2020:

summer camp and the months leading up to a new school year

Night Owls Early Birds (Foxes) [ A wild fire inside me burns. Why do I look like I'm wear for worse? Save me, save me, go underneath the ground. ] // Too Much (Carly Rae Jepsen) [ When I party, then I party too much. When I feel it, then I feel it too much. When I'm thinking, then I'm thinking too much. When I'm drinking, then I'm drinking too much. ] // Royal Blue (Alberto Rosende) [ My regrets are a shade around my neck I know. It's torturous, and there's a burden that I can't let go. ] // Who You Selling For (The Pretty Reckless) [ And when Roger showed me I was building a wall. I've been waiting a long time, waiting a long time, waiting a long time, waiting for it to fall. ] // Heavy (Linkin Park feat. Kiiara) [ You say that I'm paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy. ] // The Archer (Taylor Swift) [ I've been the archer, I've been the prey; screaming, “who could ever leave me,” darling. But who could stay? ] // Everybody Lost Somebody (Bleachers) [ And there's a reason I wake up alone in strange places, a reason I see myself in a million faces, a reason I can't stop it all from changing. So come on, motherfucker, you survive, you gotta give yourself a break. ]

no cameras catch my muffled cries. i counted days, i counted miles | fall and winter 2020(/21):

a new school year, from the start of the semester right until the aftermath of the kings’ party

So It Goes (Guards) [ I don't know who I am but I do know who I'm not. I'm just looking for a friend, I'm still searching for the plot. ] // Wasabi (Little Mix) [ Love to hate me, praise me, shame me; either way, you talk about me. ] // Think Before I Talk (Astrid S) [ Maybe I should think before I talk; I get emotional and words come out all wrong. Sometimes I'm more honest than I want. ] // Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince (Taylor Swift) [ No cameras catch my muffled cries. I counted days, I counted miles to see you there, to see you there. And now the storm is coming, but... ] // Sober Up (AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo) [ Won't you help me sober up? Growin' up, it made me numb, and I wanna feel somethin' again. ] // The Show Must Go On (Queen) [ Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score, on and on. Does anybody know what we are looking for? ] // Waiting For A Friend (The Pretty Reckless) [ My head is like a prison cell, I'm all by myself. I'm waiting for my friend to come and break me out. ] // Sober (Demi Lovato) [ I'm sorry that I'm here again, I promise I'll get help. It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry to myself. ] // Eight (Sleeping At Last) [ I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut, and bury my innocence. But here's a map, here's a shovel, here's my Achilles' heel. ]

i got this handled, i don't need rescuing | spring and early summer 2021:

ches’s progress from the end of march until now

The Man (Taylor Swift) [ I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man. And I'm so sick of them coming at me again, 'cause if I was a man, then I'd be the man. ] // Princess (FLETCHER) [ But we're all going through it, so why do we do it? Why do we hide? ] // Humpty Dumpty (AJR) [ If I can't breathe, then you can't see, but aren't you excited that I'm giving you the best me? ] // My Mistake (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Am I jaded? Am I meant to feel this way?  I'm a loser, getting beat by my own game. But if I falter, well, at least it was my mistake. ] // The Climb (Miley Cyrus) [ The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking; sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking. ] // breathin (Ariana Grande) [ Some days, things just take way too much of my energy. I look up and the whole room's spinning. You take my cares away. ] // Clean (Taylor Swift) [ Ten months sober, I must admit just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it. Ten months older, I won't give in, now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it. ] // Not a Pop Song (Little Mix) [ A hamster on a wheel that's how it feels tryna be real. These unrealistic expectations said we'll make it if we fake it. ] // Queen (Loren Gray) [ Eyes on me like I'm a prize but you better recognize I'm not your angel 'cause I belong to me. ] // The Cure (Little Mix) [ This happiness was always inside me but Lord, it took a minute to find me. ]

[gay-salt-amber]

River x Tess headcanons

-You know the phrase 'Opposites attract?'

-That's them

Tess is proper and so sweet and intelligent, River on the other hand is nothing like that, she's loud and never thinks before she acts... and stupid

This can be seen a lot in their relationship

Example, whenever they go to gatherings, River throws on a hoodie while Tess wears something you could nearly mistake for a ballgown

But River loves it, Tess is the prettiest woman she's ever seen

They have a lot of pet names for each other

Tess calls River, Bayou which is a Native American term meaning small stream

River uses every single pet name in existence, baby, dear, etc.

She also uses other words for death since Tess's first name is a word for death

River is the only one who has seen Tess without her eyes in for a long period of time

Once, they ran into Boulder on a walk in the forest and Tess had to physically restraint River from giving Scourge more paperwork

At their wedding, they only had about 15 people, aka only a few Bloodclan cats

They have considered a romantic poly relationship with Sandstorm and Tawny pelt before because those 4 are very, very close

The two of them love to dance together, even though Tess

Tess always carries around a parasol which weirded River out a first cause we don't live in 1880 anymore, but now she just finds it cute

it took so, so long to get together, neither of them know why

Tess is a babysitter for everyone and River is tired

Once Tess got River to wear a dress of hers and while it was kind of big it looked so fucking adorable

Random kisses all the time

They're so-so about PDA

Tess gets hit on ALOT because of how proper and pretty she is nobody thinks she will say anything

That's where River comes in a kicks their asses and then takes Tess to get tea or something

Tess hates coffee and loves tea, River is the opposite

Never arguments between them but a lot of Tess having to scold River for attacking a clan cat

So, you know how Tess used to do maid stuff for the Kathrine's?

Well their son had a massive crush on her (the one they didn't kill)

Once, the Kathrine's and some other people entered the forest looking for them, during a gathering Blood Clan attended

Uh, safe to say, once everyone heard about what happened every leader let them break the rule of no violence and River and Tess proceeded to kill or badly wound every single Kathrine and the others there

Theme song: devil town- Cave town

So, you know how I said Tess is proper?

Well, she is, just not in private

She is the biggest savage, flirty person ever its not even funny

Like the moment they enter their house Tess is instantly just calling River baby, babe, using bad pick up lines, making sex jokes at the drop of a hat, the whole nine yards

Which creeped River the fuck out the first time it happened but just finds it hilarious now

Tess overworks herself all the time and it makes River feel so, so bad

This leads to River dragging Tess away from the patrol or whatever and forcing her to sleep

Neither of them can cook so they just order a fuck ton of takeout and eat that until they run out and repeat cycle

Sometimes River forgets Tess is blind without her fake eyes in so Tess needs to wear a blindfold so she doesn't forget

Tess's mental health... is something, sometimes she's a beacon of positivity and other times her mental health is the song Hey little girl by Sophie Marie

But, River tries her best to help her though, they really are made for each other by the end of the day

River has no sense of what's wrong and what's right, she never really knows what can and doesn't make some cry, which is understandable.

She grew up in Blood Clan, in the streets, that's not something that is taught often

Tess tries to teach her though, she's getting better, its also a learning experience for Tess because she learns how to be more selfish and not put everyone before herself until she breaks

The people everyone comes to for advice

They can both play violin

River has told Tess that she doesn't have to be formal around her, she can just be herself. But Tess still has slipped up and called River lady or Madam

River may or may not have been a flustered mess

Tess has worn River's clothes more recently, she really likes them but more then likely wont go out of her way to buy them herself

Tess is the hoodie stealer since she doesn't have any hoodies for River to steal

A lot of people think River is emotionless, whenever Tess hears those comments, it pisses her off so, so bad

So, whenever she hears comments like that, she will just kiss River dead on the lips and say

"Does this dear blushing woman I call my lover look emotionless to you now, dear?" She says this with a pissed look. They run away real quick

So you know the story of Anne Bonny and Mary Reed? How they defended their pirate ship even though the rest of the crew including their captain surrendered?

Yeah, they're like that. Fighting to the nail

Tess would also say Anne Bonny's line of "“I am sorry to see you here, but if you had fought like a man, you needn't be hanged like a dog." when she talked to Boulder once when Bloodclan were going to execute him

River would also say another Anne Bonny quote a lot, "Pains me being this close to you, which should tell you how fuckin desperate I am."

River confessed her love to Tess while she was doing paperwork

It was gay

and cute

Tess said yes of course

Now they're happily married, they want to have kids but with River and Tess's sleep schedule being all out of whack and River not being the best with kids they're not totally sure yet

They have matching tattoos, they both hearts with knives and flowers in them, very intricate little things

River owns a gun store while Tess hand makes outfits for cats if they need them for missions or just to have

They both ride motorcycles together at like 2 AM out of sheer boredom

Blast rock music to help them sleep

So! That's all the stuff I have for today, I will more then likely be writing Night Cloud x Maple Shade ones later so look out for those!

[ur-jinji]

Could you maybe share your angsty playlist 🥺

okay okay i’m not gonna make my playlist public but i will tell you a bunch of my favorite songs off of my “feel something” angst playlist & explain the way they make me feel. i know you did not ask for that but i need to vocalize it. maybe in the future i can make spotify playlists if anyone’s interested? mine are unorganized so eh don’t wanna share lmao but anyway, here you go 😘 sorry this post is long i just love music

asleep // the smiths

literally if you hear me listening to this, i’m having a depressive episode. it’s about wanting to pass away and telling people not to feel bad lmao beautiful song tho

the background // third eye blind

amazing. heart wrenching. about being alone after someone leaves you. VERY good song. tears.

bloodstream // stateless

amazing music. love the chorus. i interpret it as being so in love with someone that theyre a part of you

brain damage // pink floyd

amazing. about going crazy. love dark side of the moon. best song on that album is “any colour you like” it’s entirely instrumental and gives me chills. it’s a feel something song for me but maybe not for others

breaking down // florence + the machine

please listen to the mtv unplugged version. ABOUT BREAKING DOWN. amazing.

bubble gum // clairo

i think it’s about regretting not reciprocating feelings for someone. chills. love. puts me in a mood instantly.

chamber of my reflection // mac demarco

BEAUTIFUL. dislike him but his music is really good. about being alone

come back to earth // mac miller

“i just need a way out of my head” god gives me chills. i love mac miller. i miss him everyday.

demolition lovers // my chemical romance

beautiful music. amazing. about two lovers who would die for each other. huge, super emotional build up, then the most beautiful music ever.

a different age // current joys

just good. good angst.

early sunsets over monroeville // mcr

AMAZING. HUGE EMOTIONAL BUILD UP AT THE END. END SO HAUNTINGLY

edition // rex orange county

BEAUTIFUL. about a couple going through some shit

free as a bird // the beatles

AMAZING. one of the best songs on this planet. it’s about a couple and the guy doesn’t really know where it all went wrong

friends // vacations

about drifting away from someone. so beautiful. CHILLS.

goodbye // the vines

fuckinv beautiful. about longing for someone and saying goodbye to them. first song i learned by myself to play on guitar

good news // mac miller

about being hella depressed and how people only want to hear the good stuff. they ain’t like ya when you’re down. gr8

halah // mazzy star

it’s about missin someone. chills. love it.

i cant handle change // roar

about not being good enough. beautiful fucking song like holy shit. but if you hear me listening to this god ask if i’m okay bc i’m not. best build up for any song in the world

i love you so // the walters

god amazing. about loving someone but you’re not good for each other

jesus christ // brand new

it’s haunting. amazing. i think it’s about dying.

life // the walters

it’s about life movin real slow. it’s a really beautiful song. love it.

married with children // oasis

god i love this song. it’s about being annoyed with your partner but at the end of the day, you love them so much you always come back. makes me cry bc relatable

moonlight on the river // mac demarco

love. it’s about dying i think lmao or maybe a relationship dying?

necromancer // joy again

literally such a pretty, chill song. feels really raw. it’s about loving someone so much but i don’t know if she feels the same way

numb // men i trust

fucking beautiful shit. so chill. about being numb lol

show me how // men i trust

gr8. it’s about wanting to be shown that the person you like cares about you but it ain’t workin

sullen girl // fiona apple

beautiful. raw. about being a sad bitch

under control // the strokes

fav strokes song. amazing. i think it’s about wanting to change someone but knowing you shouldn’t

waiting room // red orange county

fucking beautiful. it’s about someone you love dying :( it’s really sad honestly

where is my mind // the pixies

GREAT. about doing drugs & your mental state aint good

wish you were here // pink floyd

it about wishin someone was there duh it’s a really good song tho

worldstar money // joji

feels really raw. it’s about battling with your issues and wanting someone to be there for you still

now

for the final song. the one that is so fucking emotional for me.

young // vacations

i don’t know what it is about this song but it sucks any remaining serotonin out of my body instantly. the music is so beautiful. it’s about struggling with mental health i think. just wonderful.

that’s just some of my angst music 🙂 i have a lot more. these were the ones i felt like were worth noting lmao

[the-twinventors]

Stella was stunned. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’re being dramatic.” The female coyote smirked at her, leaning casually against the wall. “So, you’re throwing up a little - boo hoo, cry me a river. Girls like you give the rest of us a bad name, constantly whining for attention and using every little excuse to get out of doing anything. Get over yourself.”

Stella pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a deep breath. The audacity of this woman... “I’m sorry, what’s your name?”

“Sylvie.”

“Alright, Sylvie--” Stella fixed her with a glare. “I’m not just ‘throwing up a little’ - I’m throwing up all day every day, so hard that sometimes my nose bleeds. It’s an actual thing that goes beyond standard morning sickness, and--”

“Blah blah blah. Again with those dumb excuses.” Sylvie flipped her hair passively, sneering at her. “If you didn’t wanna be feeling sick all the time, you should’ve kept your legs closed, honey. You are such a child--”

“I shouldn’t be having to justify my sickness to you!” Needless to say, the younger twin, now at twenty-eight weeks, was furious with this attack at her character. “Everyone handles pregnancy differently! You try being pregnant!”

“Ugh. No. Wouldn’t dream of it.” Sylvie waved her hand dismissively. “It fucks up your body so much. You’ll be lucky if any guy ever wants to sleep with you again after you pop that brat out - you’re gonna be fat and gross for the rest of your life.”

“Not if I keep my health up postpartum! You seriously don’t know shit, do you?!” Stella was sitting on her hands now - she was gonna end up punching this bitch otherwise. “Do you have anything else to do with your time?! Wait, don’t answer that - you stopping just to insult me tells me enough. Just move the fuck on and let me feel like trash in peace, please.”

For a moment, it seemed like she was going to move on, starting to walk past the table. In that split second, Stella dared allow herself to relax, releasing her hands to go for her phone - and suddenly screeched as something cold splattered on top of her head. She leapt from the chair, spinning around to face the smirking coyote again - yep, her takeout cup was empty. “What the hell?!”

“Aww, are you gonna cry and whine about getting a little wet, too?” Sylvie laughed, tossing the empty cup over her shoulder. “Grow the fuck up. No wonder no one on campus likes you.”

Something inside Stella snapped, and she stormed forward, rolling her sleeves up. “Alright, that’s it, you little--!!”

“Stella, hey! Easy!” Ah, there was Jayce, back with his coffee and Stella’s milkshake. He stepped between the two women, shoving the milkshake towards his sister to get her to back up. “Deep breaths, alright? Don’t let her get to you.”

“But she fucking--!”

“I know, I saw it. But you gotta stay calm for Galaxy, OK? Let me handle this.” While Jayce was inwardly simmering with rage at what he’d just witnessed, he knew getting into a fistfight wouldn’t do either of them any favours. Once he was certain Stella wouldn’t go for the kill again, he turned towards Sylvie, glaring at the coyote. “You know we could have you arrested for assault for doing that to her, right?”

“Oh, come on. Why would you even bother?” Sylvie laughed. “It was just a dumb drink. It’s not gonna kill her.”

“That doesn’t matter! What you did counts as assault against a pregnant woman! No one’s gonna defend that!” Jayce planted his free hand on his hip, not letting up. “And you know that security’s got our backs! I’ve got half a mind to grab the nearest guard right now!”

“Really? Are you sure? Well...” Sylvie tapped her chin idly, before giving him another look - oh, for the love of Chaos, that better not be a flirty look. “... maybe I can persuade you not to?”

Jayce blinked, hoping she was joking. “W-what?”

“You could really use a break from your sister, you know.” Sylvie sashayed up to him, one hand reaching out to cup his face. He twitched away irritably. “Why don’t you hit up my place later? I could show you a good time...”

“OK, no.” Jayce promptly backed up, one hand right out to keep her at arms’ length. Stella backed up to give him more room, giving the coyote a look that said, ‘are you fucking kidding me right now?’ Her brother continued angrily - “First of all, I just watched you harass and attack my sister. I’m not gonna bother with anyone who can’t show her any kind of basic respect. And second, it doesn’t matter either way, because I’m not into girls.”

“What?” Sylvie frowned. “Don’t be stupid. You just think that because you’ve never gotten any in your life. Take up my offer and you’ll soon change your mind.”

“Uhh, no, I think I know my own preferences and such better than you, a practical stranger.” It was Jayce’s turn to hold back the urge to punch her. “And, again, you attacked my sister. So even if I was into girls, it wouldn’t matter.”

“Whatever.” Sylvie pulled a tiny scrap of paper and a marker from her back pocket, scribbled on it, and stuck it in Jayce’s hoodie pocket before he could dodge back again. “Call me when this gay thing is over, cutie. I can rock your world if you want it...”

And she promptly sauntered off, swaying her hips. Noses wrinkling in shock and disgust, the twins exchanged looks, before Jayce dove into his pocket to retrieve the scrap of paper. Unfolding it, they saw a phone number scribbled down - hers, most likely. For a while, the silence spread out between them, both of them wondering what the hell kind of mental gymnastics were going on in the coyote’s mind.

Stella spoke first. “... avoid like the plague?”

“Avoid like the plague.” Jayce promptly dropped the paper down the nearest drain, and swung his arm over Stella’s shoulders. “Rivers’?”

“Oh, yes please. I need it after that shitshow...”

[desiree-harding-fic]

IHSTFA River Scene

When Kravitz comes home, he thinks the wine is blood at first, the years he spent talking of this murder and that and this domestic violence case and that – and so he sees the red on the wall and on the couch and the floor and his heart stops for a solid ten seconds as he wonders what on Earth he’s going to do without Taako.

And then he looks a little harder, and sees that it’s not blood, but wine, and before he can even breathe a sigh of relief, a shape appears at the top of the stairs and something about the movement catches his eye.

It’s Lup. But Lup like he’s never seen her in all the time he’s known her. Lup with her face splotchy and hair wild, looking like a woman possessed, and she looks right at him, which she never does except in stolen glances and glares from across the room when she thinks Taako can’t see.

She looks right into his eyes, and holds his gaze, and the look that crosses her face is disappointment, sharp and so painful, and Kravitz doesn’t understand why, and then she’s thundering down the stairs toward him.

“Kravitz,” she gasps, and Kravitz can’t remember the last time she even acknowledged him like this, and hell, he isn’t even sure if she’s ever said his name before this. “Kravitz,” she grabs the lapels of his suit, hauls him close to her. She’s so like Taako, this close. And so much not.

“Please, please, Kravitz, you need to find Taako,” she gasps, and her grip is so strong. “Please,” she says, and tears are spilling from her eyes, and Kravitz doesn’t know when Barry got there, but he’s trying to pull her off of him. “Please, can you go out and look for him, he – he’ll listen to you, and he’s not answering my calls and I said such horrible things to him and you have to tell him I’m sorr - I’m so sorry. I don’t know where he’s been since this morning – please, Kravitz, please. I can’t lose him again and he just walked out the door and hasn’t been back -”

What can Kravitz do?

“Okay,” he says, grabbing Lup’s wrists, not hard but firm, and holding her still, talking in his best calming voice, the way he talks to the hysterical clients every once in a while, “okay, Lup. Slow down. Taako’s missing?”

She visibly flinches at the word missing, and lets out a horrible little sob, and Kravitz curses his insensitivity, but Lup still nods.

“Okay,” he says, trying to form a plan. It hasn’t even been three minutes since he came in the door. And his house is in complete disarray with broken glass on the floor and wine on the wall, and a woman having a breakdown in his foyer, and this is so much, and where could Taako have gone? Lup must have said something really awful to Taako for him to just… not come home, and Kravitz is more than a little worried. What state is Taako in? What if something happened to him?

“Okay, Lup, look at me,” he says, and she does, such a horrible expression of pain on her face that Kravitz’s heart about comes right out of his throat. “I’m going to go out, and I’m going to find, Taako, okay?” She’s looking a him so intensely, and Kravitz doesn’t think she ever has like this, ever, in the whole year she’s been back. “I’m gonna go get him, and bring him back, okay? And I’ll tell him what you said.”

“Tell him I’m sorry,” Lup sobs, “I’m so sorry –”“I will, Lup,” he says, and releases her wrists, and she grabs his jacket again, clinging.“Thank you, Kravitz,” she sobs, “thank you.”

Barry has to pry her off of him, and Kravitz has to go because it’s nighttime in D.C., and Taako didn’t have a car, but he could’ve gotten a cab or an uber or anything, he could be anywhere, and Kravitz has to find him. Because it isn’t like Taako to just run off, he’s been doing better – he’s not the kind of person who just runs away from his problems anymore. Hasn’t been that person in a long time. And the fact that he has –

Kravitz has to find him.

He slips out the door, barely looking as Lup collapses to the floor, Barry still holding her desperately and trying to calm her, and Kravitz wonders how long he’s been working on that, and secretly, he blesses Barry’s patience.

But the knowledge that Taako’s gone sits heavy in his stomach like a stone as he climbs back into his car, still in work clothes. Taako. Oh, Taako.Kravitz has to admit that he’s been… angry with Lup, since she returned. He tries to push it down, tries not to acknowledge it, but he is. She’s made their lives infinitely harder. And he would never begrudge a person’s mental health… but with Lup…

It’s just that he just doesn’t want Taako to be hurt. And Lup, intentionally or not, has been hurting him, hurting him deep. Causing stress so acute with her spiral that Taako’s been spiraling too. Kravitz himself is barely holding on.

And where does she get away with ruining his home in a fit of passion? The number of times Kravitz wanted to smash something out of frustration is… too many to count. But when has he ever acted on it? Somehow, he’s expected to have more restraint than that.

He could scream.

And yet… Kravitz would never wish her away. He knows how important she is to Taako, knows who she was through Taako’s stories and memories. He can see, once in a blue moon, little glimpses of that person in the Lup of today. But PTSD does a hell of a something to a person.

But for Taako to just run away… what could she have done to prompt such a thing?Taako’s phone doesn’t even ring when Kravitz calls it. Which means it’s either shut off or dead, which is just fucking perfect isn’t it?

He calls Ren, but no one at the restaurant has seen Taako all day. He calls Istus, but she’s heard nothing. He calls Magnus and then Merle, talking to them on the phone as he wanders around the city in his car, first on the streets near their neighborhood and then to the bars he and Taako used to go to, but no one’s seen him, not one of their friends. And no one’s heard anything, not even his mother, who he calls in fit of desperation, and Kravitz shouldn’t have stayed late at the office, if he had come home sooner he would have known sooner and could’ve looked for him before it was the middle of the fucking night, and anything could have happened to Taako, out alone in the city like this. It’s not like he isn’t competent, but Kravitz also knows the kind of things that happen to gay men wandering the streets at night, even though they live in a good neighborhood, and he has to force himself not to think about it and just keep looking.

He’s on hour 3, and he’s been calling Taako, or at least trying to, every 10 minutes or so and has gotten nothing, and he’s just starting to consider calling the police because it’s past 11pm now but Taako’s going to be so mad if he does –

And he rolls by Georgetown Riverside Park.

For some reason, his foot hits the brake, and he stops dead.

Something tells him to park and get out of the car.

He and Taako came here when they first moved in to their house together, a few months before Lup got back into the states. It was just barely spring and he and Taako would bundle up in their coats and walk out to the park, not caring how far it was from the house even though Taako complained the whole time, and then they would just stand and talk and stare at the water and the city across the way. Because Taako liked the water, liked living near it. He liked the way the lights would reflect and the boats that would occasionally go by. He loved the Potomac, loved the South as much as he used to protest it, and Kravitz loved watching Taako in the light of the streetlights and the stars.

The same light falls over the park now, and it’s freezing, and Kravitz pulls his coat around himself, the air slicing through it like it’s made of paper and chilling him to the bone. He tightens his scarf and shoves his hands in his pockets and walks through the park, looking carefully into every shadow, a last resort. Gods, let Taako be here, he prays. It’s been hours. Kravitz is exhausted, bone tired.

But more than that, Kravitz is scared. So scared in the wake of his family falling apart and feeling like he’s the one string holding all of it together, and now it feels like that string is fraying and breaking, and if Kravitz has to call the police and go home empty-handed, or if he has to stay out until morning leaving Lup to truly lose whatever’s left of her mind, or if he has to deal with a phone call tomorrow at 7am telling him Taako’s body washed up on the banks of the river somewhere, then everything will be over.

For the second time in a few hours, Kravitz wonders what he’s going to do without Taako.

His throat is tight and he thinks he might finally cry.

And then.

There. Along the river. In their spot.Taako.He’s long and lithe and so beautiful, and he’s not dressed for the weather at all, no coat, no scarf, nothing. He must be freezing. And he’s just staring at the water, leaning on the fence, unmoving save for his left hand which slowly brings a cigarette to his mouth as he takes a long drag, and then away as he blows out, the smoke mingling with the fog of his breath in the cold air.

Kravitz is so, so unbelievably worried, seeing Taako in the middle of some sort of classical nervous breakdown, and fuck, he’s smoking again, but more than that he is so relieved.

Taako’s not missing. He’s not dead. He’s here, in one piece, maybe not mentally but physically whole, and Kravitz can work with that.He walks up to him slowly, half afraid to call his name and startle him. He just walks up to him and stands next to him, facing him, and Taako’s in profile, looking almost grayscale in the indirect light from the streetlights on the snow, and Kravitz says, soft as he can,

“Taako?”

Taako doesn’t look at him, takes another drag from the cigarette, and Kravitz can see the pack in his pocket. His eyes are unfocused on the water, and he’s still, so still, and Taako’s never still. It scares Kravitz. It’s like it’s not even Taako standing there, just a ghost of Taako, a reflection.

He breathes death in and out, and doesn’t look at Kravitz, and just says,

“I don’t think I can do it anymore, Krav.”

Kravitz’s heart breaks.

“I know, Taako,” he breathes, his chest heavy with it.

“You don’t,” Taako says, bitter, glaring at the cold water, not quite ice, but so close, “you don’t know her like I do – you weren’t – you weren’t there. You can’t see what she’s –” he looks like he can’t go on, just glares at the cigarette in his hand and bites his trembling lip. His hands start to shake.

“You’re right,” Kravitz says, and he has to get this right, in this moment. He has to do this just right, because that’s what he does, he gets things right, and the prospect of losing Taako forever is hanging over his head like a chandelier ready to come crashing down on them both. “I wasn’t there before,” he says, “I didn’t know her when you did.”

“But I know you,” he says, because he thinks in this moment, Taako needs to hear it. That someone in the world knows him, and loves him. That someone cares for him. “I can see what it’s doing to you,” he tells him, because he has to get this right.

“Talk to me, love.”

Taako throws the cigarette to the ground, grinds it out under his heel, and he stares at the water for a long moment, and Kravitz wonders if either of them are breathing, and then Taako puts his head right in his hands, balling his hands into fists in his hair.

“What am I supposed to do?” he whispers, broken.

Kravitz wants to hold him.

“Can I touch you?” he says, and Taako, breath shaky, nods. And Kravitz immediately wraps his arms around him, going so far as to unbutton his coat and pulling Taako back against his chest, trying to lend him some of his warmth. He covers Taako’s hands with his own and holds him. Taako’s so cold. He��s shivering. And Kravitz wants to take all of his pain away, and knows that he can’t, that this collective family breakdown is killing all of them, slowly, as sure as Taako’s cigarettes would, as surely as Lup’s drink. They’re trembling apart, piece by piece, foundations being shaken so the whole building will come crashing down.

“What do I do?” Taako says again, his voice so tired. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“Come home,” Kravitz says, because it’s true. “For tonight, come home. We can figure it out from there.”

“I can’t watch her do this anymore.”

“I know.”

“But I can’t get her to stop.”

“We’ll keep trying,” Kravitz insists, “your sister loves you. We’ll keep trying, and we’ll take it one day at a time. It’ll work out, Taako. I promise.”

“You can’t know that,” Taako says, and he sounds so fucking defeated, that Kravitz turns him right around and cups his face in his hands.

“Listen to me, Taako,” he says, “I do know. I know because I’m not going to fucking let this go on. I don’t care what it takes, I am going to work every day to help her and I don’t care if it takes my entire fucking life, Lup is going to get better. You and me and Barry, we are going to make this work and I don’t give a fuck how hard it supposedly is. I am not giving up on your family.”

“Kravitz,” Taako says, a little fear-colored, a little awed, and then he reaches up and touches Kravitz’s face and Kravitz didn’t realize he was even crying. He didn’t realize that he’s shaking too. “Babe, hey…”

Kravitz draws in a deep breath, and the cold of it burns his lungs.

“You scared the shit out of me,” he says, and then he’s really crying. So much crying tonight. Kravitz thinks if he sees another tear in his lifetime he’ll die.

Taako wipes his tears with his freezing thumbs, switching their places, reaching up to hold Kravitz’s face.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and Kravitz shakes his head to tell him no, it’s ok, because that’s not what tonight was for, he’s here to bring Taako home, not make him guilty – “no, don’t babe. I am sorry. I should’ve called.”

“I called you so many times,” he can’t help the words from spilling out, “I thought something had happened to you – like –” he chokes on the word, can’t bring himself to even speak a hypothetical into existence like that.

“Like you used to see at work all the time, fuck, Krav, no.” Taako says, and Kravitz sobs. “No, no, baby, I’m okay, I’m right here.” He cuddles in close to Kravitz’s chest, and Kravitz puts his arms around him, holding him tight. “I’m here, I’m okay, Krav. I’m sorry I didn’t call you, I – I’m not – I’m not.”

“Don’t fucking do that to me,” Kravitz says, the last of the fear rearing up inside him for one more attack, “don’t you ever do that to me.”

“I won’t, Kravitz,” Taako says, holding his face, bringing him close, “I won’t, I’m sorry. Babe, I’m so sorry.”

Kravitz nods, and hold Taako close, and it’s so cold, fuck, he’s freezing, and Taako must be colder, but it doesn’t reach him, also, in a different way, and Kravitz is wondering if this is what a mental break feels like, and Taako says,

“How is she?” half-grudging, half-worried.

Kravitz gives a little humorless laugh. “Awful,” he admits. “I think maybe she’s been in and out of panic since you left this morning.”

“Shit.”

“It isn’t good, certainly. I wasn’t home for two minutes before she was on me begging me to come get you.”

“Lup talked to you?”

“Extensively. She told me to tell you she’s sorry. She was… hysterical. She’s convinced you hate her.”

“I could never. I mean, I’m pissed, but I’m not – I couldn’t. I thought she knew that.”“I’m not sure she knows much of anything anymore.”

Taako sighs, runs his hands through his hair one more time, and then he turns, resolute.

“Okay.” He says, “Okay, let’s go.” And he begins walking down the sidewalk, back in the direction of their parking lot.

“Taako?” Kravitz says, not wanting to push, but knowing - knowing he has to.

“Yeah?”

Kravitz just holds out his hand. And Taako stares at it, and then Kravitz looks meaningfully to the crushed cigarette at his feet and back at Taako.

“Fuck,” Taako says, “yeah, okay,” and he reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the pack of cigarettes and crosses the space between them to put it in Kravitz’s hand. Kravitz closes his fingers around it carefully, drops his hand to his side.

And then they go.

He drops the cigarettes in a trash can as they walk by, and he tries to read the energy off of Taako, to know if he’s upset with him. But it doesn’t feel like he is. In fact, as soon as Kravitz’s hand is free, Taako takes it in his own.

They slide into the car, Kravitz turning on the heat full blast, and Taako melts back into his seat and sighs.

“Kravitz?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” He says, voice simple, eyes closed. He looks tired. Kravitz knows he is.

“Whatever for?” Kravitz feels his heart bleeding out, maybe a little bit.

“For looking. For coming to get me.”

Kravitz isn’t sure if his heart swells or breaks at that, but he reaches across the car to grab Taako’s hand where it lays on the seat.

“Always, love. Always.” Taako nods, opens his eyes.

“Alright. Let’s go home.”

[jaenicolevalley]

My Story

*Trigger warning*

Self-harm and suicide are talked about. If you are triggered by either of these, please, do not read. 

I was thirteen when I first cut myself. I was thirteen when I began my struggle with depression and anxiety. I was thirteen when I realized that maybe I am not for this world, that I am too different, that I am not good enough. 

I remember taking that pair of scissors, tears running down my face. Before this moment, I could not comprehend how one might do this to themselves. I couldn’t imagine a world that could be painful enough to hurt your body. And yet here I was, in pain, and there was no one there for me. 

When those scissors first made their mark against my pale skin, I did not know that it would lead to a battle that would last for at least another decade. I had no idea that I would become obsessed with finding the relief that I felt as I finally cut myself. That it would become my strongest coping skill. 

Sitting on my bedroom floor, gasping for air, I finally felt some sense of calmness come over me. I did not know it at the time, but what I had just experienced was an anxiety attack. 

Looking back on that time, I realized that maybe if I had gone downstairs and talked with my mother, then maybe I could have saved myself for a few more years.  

It always felt like my life went downhill from there. Everything that happened after that night spent on my floor drowning in my tears always felt like it was my fault. 

For two years, I was what could be considered a casual cutter. I only did it when I couldn’t breathe, when I was in too much pain for anything else to work. 

The summer of 2015 came and I don’t think I had cut for some time. My uncle Scott, my mother’s brother, came from Colorado to visit us. He’d come before, but when I was too little to remember. And from the moment I received my first hug from him, I knew that we clicked. There was something about our souls that just...went together.  

We went camping, up at Yellow River State Forest in the northeast part of Iowa. There was a moment, a moment that will forever be ingrained in my heart. I’d been sitting on the couch in the motorhome and Uncle Scott had come in to get something. Before he went back outside, he stopped next to me, looked down, and said, “I get you, kid.”

I didn’t really know what it meant back then. I didn’t understand that my uncle was fighting the same battle as I was. October 2015 was when my life really started to go downhill. 

Uncle Scott killed himself with a single shot to the head. I remember when we got the phone call. My parents were making dinner, and I had been sitting out in the living room. I remember my mother just breaking down and crying. And when I learned that Uncle Scott was dead, I acted like it didn’t affect me. 

Later that week, we boarded a plane set for Colorado Springs, Colorado. And when it was finally time for his funeral, for his viewing, I took one look at his lifeless body and just broke down. When it was our turn, I hugged his cold body and just sobbed. I didn’t understand why he’d left me. Not in the way of, oh why’d you die, but rather, why did you leave me here on this earth? Why didn’t you take me with you?

There was a hat that Uncle Scott had wanted me to have, but I left it on his motorhome. When we went to his funeral, we searched that motorhome for it, but we never found it. To this day, I ask myself why I didn’t take that hat with me. 

A few short weeks after that, I had my first mental breakdown in the middle of the school day. I was in so much pain and I had no idea what to do. It hurt so fucking bad. 

  I ended up going into the hospital, spending two weeks there trying to get better. And of course, I was okay...for a little while. In total, I’ve been to the psych ward six different times. 

Most of those times I’ve been in the hospital was simply because I was self-harming or wanted to self-harm. 

March 29, 2017, was a different story. I’d been having a terrible day. My parents were fighting for the umpteenth time, I’d had a terrible day at school, and on top of that, I was hearing the voices. See, I’ve heard voices since I was little, but they weren’t always bad voices. Yet when I am depressed or stressed, they turn against me. They tear me down, try to drown me in my own blood. And on that day, they were the worst. 

I was texting a friend at the time, and I thank God that she was there for me. I’d stolen a bottle of Hydrocodone from when I’d gotten my wisdom teeth out and was seriously contemplating taking my own life. I wanted to die so badly, I was in so much pain. It was like getting shot with 100 bullets. It hurt so much to just breathe.  

I didn’t tell the girl that I was going to kill myself, just that I was having a hard time, but she must have figured it out. I ended up downing three of them before my mother came upstairs, concerned after receiving a phone call from that same friend saying that she should check on me.  

I remember being tired, just wanting to sleep, but I was crying too because I saw the fear on my mother’s face when I said that I had taken some of the pills. I remember my mother calling 911 while all I could do was keep crying.  

When the paramedics got there, I found myself in front of my choir teacher, who also happened to be a paramedic on the side. I cried even harder because just like my mom, I didn’t want to hurt her. I kept apologizing over and over again. 

Things got better after that. Sure, I still had bad days, and yes, I did have to go to the hospital a few more times, but they were far between each other. 

A few weeks ago, I had a mental breakdown, and for the first time in a long time, I was scared. I didn’t want to self-harm because I was way past the point of that. I was scared because I thought I was going to take another bottle of pills, I was scared that I was going to kill myself, and this time, I knew that I wouldn’t reach out to someone. 

My chest was hurting, both from not taking deep breaths, but also because I was in physical pain from my mental pain. I just wanted it to stop. 

And maybe, when my uncle died, I thought that people who killed themselves were selfish, but going through a period when I was in that much pain, it’s really not a matter of being selfish. I truly believed that nobody cared, that no one would really miss me. If they didn’t talk to me now, why would they care later? It’s not selfish. Because of depression and anxiety, you begin to believe lies. Lies like:

“They don’t care about you.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

“Why can’t you just die so no one has to be bothered by you?”

I finally got the strength to call a friend because I was scared. She calmed me, and I lived to see another day. 

When I was younger, around the ages of 15 to 17, I thought I honestly wouldn’t live this long. I thought that I was going to take my life before I got to 18. I kept fantasizing about dying that I started to believe that I was going to kill myself before I got to that age. 

And sometimes, to this day, I still think that I’m not gonna make it to 21, 25, 50 years of age. And when I get those thoughts, I have to remind myself that it gets better. It might not get better for a while, but it gets better. 

Living with depression is not easy, and it’s certainly not pretty. It’s not selfish, and it’s not wrong. Mental health is a serious condition, a disease. And even though you can’t see the symptoms, they are there, struggling, tearing someone down. 

If you or someone you know is struggling, get help. Tell someone. Because without those friends that I had contacted, I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have this wonderful girlfriend, I wouldn’t have my mom, who cares so deeply about me. I wouldn’t have the memories I’ve made, the fun times I’ve had. Sometimes, all it takes is being brave. I know it’s hard, that you’re scared for whatever reasons. And it’s completely okay to be scared. But you don’t have to be scared and alone. Even when it feels like no one is there, there’s someone out there who is willing to listen. 

Life is worth living. Don’t ever forget that. 

If you feel as if no one is going to listen, I highly encourage you to call 1-800-273-8255. We want you to live. I want you to live. I need you to live. 

[rpcburnbook]

alias-changer here: i switched in order to make a definitive break from a former toxic and abusive rp partner who stalked and isolated me from others for years. fuck you for trying to accuse me of doing something shady. i wanted to pick back up a beloved hobby without that mental health-destroying experience hanging over my head. // be honest. you were the problem. the gaslighting here is hilarious. go cry a river and try to be a victim again.

~

[animeperspectivism]

“7 Seeds”, PTSD and the Elite Team, Analysis and Review.

     "7 Seeds” was originally a manga written and illustrated by Yumi Tamura, and published by Shogakukan. The demographic falls into shojo as well as josei, meaning that it’s a series directed at young girls and women. The story and plot are quite interesting, and I’m saddened to know that there is not a legal English translation of the manga. The anime itself, which is what I will be covering, is really bad, and it’s quite unfortunate that it’s the only legal form of “7 Seeds” that Westerners can experience.

SPOILERS AHEAD, for both seasons.

    The first season is absolutely apalling, and the story only comes around by the end of the second season. I don’t want to talk about the series as a whole, as I’ve already attempted a synopsis of the show but gave up simply because the story is quite extensive, the cast is huge, and it was just turning into a rambling mess. Instead, I’d like to detail the representation of PTSD in the series, specifically occuring in the elite Summer Team A, and even more specifically in the character Ango.

    The series introduces Summer Team A, and we don’t know too much about them, besides how efficient they are at surviving. What the viewers do get to see are the refferences from members on the team to their “final test”, and how some of the incidents and injuries that they see end up reminding them of it. Further on, we find out that Hana, who is one of the main characters that we follow from the Spring Team, is the daughter of the man who helped to organized and train the elite team. When Ango realizes this, he breaks down. He was an asshole in the first place, but as he puts his hands to his head and screams, we dive into a backflash. The story is so badly put together, the scenes are garbage, the cuts are bad, and the animation is even worse. But the story? I really liked it. It is absolutely horrifying, and the kind of trauma that these 7 kids come out of it with, is completely understandable.      Basically, there are a number of kids who are picked and raised in a facility. The backflash begins with a teacher telling them that they’re all special, and that they have the opportunity of heading into the future, of “boarding Noah’s Arc”. These are children, and we’re kind of shown in brief clips of the kids working together, building things, whatever, and it seems relatively normal. What they all knew was that only 7 kids would be able to succeed, so they each felt a need to work hard. But what they didn’t know was what happened to the kids who had failed and were sent away. The backflash shows a brief story of three girls who are close friends, who made some different coloured friendship bracelets, but one of these girls is sent away. She promises that she’ll send letters to them from the “outside world”, but they never recieve anything. At one point, Ango attacks a teacher who is harassing one of the girls, Kotori, and is sent to “solitary punishment” in what they called The Red Room. Dear god. Ango explains what this room is, and it turns out to be a part of a device that shreds livestock to create fertilizer. The room is filled with literal blood and guts, ect., and the punishment is to stand in the sludge for hours or days, we don’t really know how long he’s gone. But what happens is seriously awful. He looks into the blood and a literal hand starts floating, and he recognizes the bracelet that is still connected. It was their friend who had been sent away. The blood that he’s standing in, for however long, is the remains of all of their friends. Fucking sick. The poor fucking guy, traumatized to hell, as anybody would be, he doesn’t tell anyone. He keeps this knowledge inside until the “final test”, when everyone has turned 17. And this test is just about as horrendous. The professors and teachers literally sabotage the tools and training supplies. Hana’s father, Professor Takahashi, reveals to Ango that the theme of the test is “attentiveness”. Kids are injured and killed by these situations that are intentionally set up to pick these kids off, and every event becomes more and more extreme. Food supplies are poisoned, to the extent that they choose to grow their own food, some kids are even found dead due to carbon monoxide poisoning, their school facility is burnt down completely, we see floods and even buildings and mountainsides collapsing on these kids. They’re dying left and right. These kids grew up with eachother, and it seriously affected them as they watched as their friends died, finding out later that this outcome was orchestrated by the teachers that they trusted. 

    Ango, specifically, struggles with a close friend, Shigeru, who realizes that Ango never saw him as an equal, only someone to protect. This is during the “final test”, so Ango is kind of faced with the idea that this is the last chance for him to be one of the 7, and he might have to choose between himself and Shigeru. In the end, after some really bad animation and horrible editing, Shigeru takes it upon himself to cut his rope in the final trial, falling to his death.      By the end of this, when the 7 kids are the only ones left, we get this sad scene where each person is crying, asking why they were chosen? Why was it them and not any other of their close friends that they watched die? This was probably one of my favourite scenes from the series. It was just so real, and made us see the elite team quite differently. They wanted to be one of the top 7, but they were never privvy to the truth of how they would get there, and this moment was when they were really realizing what they were being put through.     In the current timeline of the series, all we’ve seen are a group of assholes who have literally murdered a “civilian” from the Fall Team (he was infected with an airborne virus..?), and then they tested some food and medicine on an injured person later on. They’re a group of kids who have basically never learned empathy. They were raised in a trianing facility, taught to work together until the “final test” when it was literally each individual against every other person. This is the kind of dynamic that we see Ango go through. It’s revealed that one of the elite team’s “duties” is to teach the civilians ways to survive, as well as protect them, but Ango is trapped by the idea that “they” were chosen and that “they” each fought to be here, while the civilians were simply “lucky”. They were chosen for absolutely no reason, they have remotely no useful skills, and Hana is the worst offender in his mind, as she was sent here simply becuase of who her father was. To me, this mindest makes perfect fucking sense. It’s “cause and effect”. Summer A Team have been mentally and physically tortured, and for their entire lives it was a “competition” to even be able to survive in this future. None of the training that we saw ever promoted these people to want to “help” anyone, and until the second season, we really only see the elite members struggle with the idea that they have to work with “unchosen” civillians. 

    By the second season, Ango goes off the rails, he attempts to rape Hana, but an elite team member stops him, and nobody finds out of course.The group then proceeds to look for fresh water in a cave. Hana’s rope is cut by Ryo, because he sees her existence as a detriment to Ango’s fucking mental health, so she falls but survives but ends up in an underground river. Ango goes off by himself, is lost, and kind of gets confused about his whereabouts. Later, in the second season, we see this as well, where his mind goes back to the trauma. He thinks that he’s in the cave where Shigeru died, still in the “final test”. When he sees Hana he comes back, but he chooses not to help her. The other teammates catch up, specifially Kotori, Aramaki, and Haru, who all want to save her, but Hana can’t hold on long enough and disappears into a goddamn hole. She is actually gone after this, for most of the second season even, which is unfortunate because I kind of liked her.

    Anyway, the remaining elite team figure that building a camp and staying close to the fresh water they’ve just found is the best idea. It’s also an important point that a character on the Fall Team is actually pregnant, meaning that she would need somewhere safe to have her baby, and most of the elites decide that it would be a prefferable opportunity to remain at the side of the civilians. And because of Hana’s departure and witnesses who saw Ango refusing to help her, some of the civilians felt that Ango was a danger. The Summer A Team member who stopped Ango’s assult on Hana tells everyone of what he did, therefore adding another charge against him. In the end, it’s only Ryo who is on his side, and everyone decides that banishment is the best punishment.

    Then begins the second season, which I much preffered. We get to follow the Summer B Team, who are residing on some sort of luxury boat (including a sauna? damn). Ryo and Ango actually join the team, not really revealing much about themselves or where they came from, so they’re quite mysterious, but Summer B is a group of pretty eccentric characters. This is the season that builds on Ango’s character, and I think that’s why I liked it so much. The beginning of this season is really nuts, because Ryo and Ango both have to figure out that these people are not actually useless, and that their skills fall into other categories than the survivalist way of being that they were trained in. We see Ryo setting up traps for the team, in the same way that the teachers had done to them during the “final test”. Members are set up to fail, and it’s almost by pure luck that most of these idiots survive. We also see how Ango deals with this, as he’s forced to either accept the outcome that this team of idiots will easily die because they lack any “attentiveness” whatsoever, or he can step in and help them. Ryo at one point closes the windows while the team are warming up with a fire in the cabin, and they start to pass out due to monoxide poisoning. This is reminiscent of the previous traps that actually killed kids, so it’s as if Ryo wants to test this less efficient team. I felt like this was really dumb, because these people are not trained, therefore, what is the point of setting them up? They’re simply going to fail. It might have been a test for Ango specifically, just to see what sort state of mind he’s curently in. He does end up saving the team from the monoxide poisoning, noticing it the earliest. He actually gets attached to this team, really wanting to protect the main female character, Natsu, as she reminds him of Shigeru. 

    Later on in this season, the team adventures into some strange ship that was designed as a sort of “vault” for humanity to attempt survival. The boat is affected by a sort of iron-oxidizing bacteria that has evolved, becoming dangerous and maneating. At first the team gets locked inside, and they all have to work together in order to stop the ship from self-destructing and firing an atom bomb into Japan? I don’t even know. The story was built up and it was relatively interesting, but the growth of the characters was even better. Ango gets lost, separated from Ryo and wanders the ship, finding a level that is extremely affected by the bacteria. Because the area looks a lot like cave walls, his trauma starts to affect him again. He thinks that he’s back in the cave with Shigeru, and he’s searching for him. Ango still has his gun, and ends up firing at Arashi, thinking that he’s actually Professor Takashi, testing him again. The two end up sticking together, attempting to find the others. They do end up finding Natsu, who is in the process of climbing precariously across crane structure. Ango and Arashi are trapped below, and call out to her for help. Natsu herself has really changed since finding herself on this ship. Rather than depending on others to make decisions, she was lost on her own and was forced to trust in herself. Arashi sees how hard she’s pushing herself, but Ango can only view her as a replacement for Shigeru, telling her that she can’t do it and she should just turn back. Natsu is able to get the crane down to them and brings it back up, and the three continue on their way. This is kind of the turning point, as Arashi and Natsu find out about who Ango actually is. He realizes that Natsu isn’t Shigeru, and explains why he has been treating her that way, because he looked down on Shigeru the whole time. Arashi asks him why he never ran away from the facility, and it’s here that Ango realizes that that was an option to them. He kind of breaks down, but Arashi then explains that he and the others were brainwashed. That if it were truly that awful, as Ango has described and as the viewers have been shown, then it was never his choice to stay either, and the guilt that weighs on his shoulders, isn’t truly his to carry. Arashi also brings up that nobody on any of these 7 Seeds teams wanted to be here, and that they are all victims of this governement program. Nobody was able to thoughtfully and honestly make the choice to be put to sleep and sent to the future, and the only thing that they can do now is to survive and do what they can for themselves. 

    That is kind of the end here. I personally liked Ango’s story and his growth, besides being an attempted rapist... He was a majorly brainwashed character, told that only the special ones will be able to rebuild society, and because of the sacrifices of his friends, he felt that it was unfair that completely average people were able to make it here. Honestly, that’s the most fucked up part. Why would random civilians be sent? We saw this question asked a few other times in the series, especially when conflict erupts in the Fall Team when a member becomes pregnant, when the deemed leaders had banned sex altogether. They figured that it would be better not to procreate, as the ones who stuck them in this situation would have wanted. And again, when the Winter Team woke up, all but three people were murdered by a lion. They had no guns, like Summer A Team do, and in the end, only Aramaki, the dude with the wolves, survives. All that these story beats do is point to how shit the 7 Seeds project was. They wanted to mix the elite survivalists with complete noobs, and had no idea what sort of emotions would erupt from this? Also, who thought that emotionally torturing the survivalist team would end up being a positive? Absolutely ridiculous.

    The writing is pretty bad, though, if the manga ends up being released in English (crossing my fingers for a digital release), I may have to check it out. The shoujo romance plot of it may end up being interesting, if not blood-boiling, but I think that if the story up until now, of what the anime has adapted, had more time to build on the characters and their interactions, it may well be a good story. I don’t recommend this series, the editing and direction is horrendous, but I am kind of looking forward to the 3rd season, if it happens.

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[helila]

being good 2 - electric boogaloo

So I’ve been rewatching the Good Place, and had just reached the season 2 finale and GOD it still hit me like a bunch of shopping carts.

It’s been almost exactly a year since I’ve first watched that episode, and just as I wrote a long-ass post about it then, I got inspired to write again. Last year has been a gotdamn clusterfuck for me, and honestly, the Good Place was kind of a compass for me in those difficult times. It was an eye-opener, and I figured it might be worthwile to follow through with what the show advises:

just try, make an effort in becoming a better person.

And yeah, a year went by. What do I have to show for it? Did my life become wonderful and like, fulfilling? Well uhh..... kiiinda? I did solve a couple of my problems, and some still persist today. Not every day is spent in a perfect state of euphoria, with appreciating the small pleasures of life. Some days suck ass, and I want to drown in a river of trash food and Netflix binge. Some days I literally have to escape into the world of Sims 4, and live out my wild fantasies of living in a nice home and not worrying about bills, and loneliness, and the f u t u r e. And owning a pet.

See there is a problem with the quest for goodness, and it’s pretty much the same as with mental health recovery. First, the progress is pretty easy to see and feel. Every day you manage to break away from your old patterns feels like a huge ass victory. When the ratio changes, and you mostly have medium days, with bad and good days here and there... well that’s just regular good old life for ya. Ain’t nothin fuckin special about it. You no longer get a kick out of it, and you start to crave that moral dessert. What am I busting my ass for? A boring morning commute with smelly people? That’s the best I can get after all the hard work I put into self-improvement? It almost feels like you been doing something wrong.

I did have a couple crying fits about this, no joke. I’d get home after a long day of not doing anything meaningful, feeling miserable and frustrated, and I’d legit sit on my bed, sobbing “the fuck am I supposed to do? what more?”

Sadly real life doesn’t have any traitor demons to show up just at the right time, and steer you into the right direction. All you’ve got is yourself and the people around you. And you’re supposed to open up and be vulnerable around them. And you know what... I am having a real fucking problem with that.

Yeah... I know. I myself also thought, but hey, I overshare all the time and talk about difficult stuff! I am totally open about a lot of things! Sure, some things! The things that I have deemed acceptable to share. And apparently, honest vulnerablity would require to also open about the shit you very much struggle with and wanna hide. Because it’s not cool beans, and uncomfortable, and godddddddddddddd why is that even a thing ahhh shiiit.

It’s almost ridiculous, that I find it easier to talk about the abuse I endured earlier in my life, than some other stuff that is pretty heckin mundane in comparison. And yet, that how it be. I have some tender lil feelings that I just can’t come to... accept and talk about. I evade and downplay, even in my head sometimes.

I am hoping to find a little courage somewhere deep inside me, and maybe then, some kind of conclusion will be reached. I am trying. Because I still stand by what the Good Place is trying to show us. Make an effort. Even when it’s difficult, and it might be completely in vain. Maybe there won’t be a grand prize at the end of it, but there is an inherent fulfillment in trying to make the best of the mess around ya.