#ForwardsUpwardsAndOnwards

[thiyagaraja27]

First 10 Years of Filmmaking: The Worst.

A Self-Reflection on the Virtues of Failure.

I have been fighting to make movies in the past 10 years. I went to a college that was only worth it for the people I got to know there. I had the opportunity to work in some tiny corner of Hollywood’s indie circuit a bit, just a small taste of what could have been. Then I returned home to Malaysia so that I could perhaps explore another window of opportunities to further grow my oeuvre. By the way, the use of the word “oeuvre” - that’s how you know when a piece of shit thinks highly of themselves.

I fought for the conception of tasteful movies and for taste itself at the risk of being perceived as a snob. I am aware that my ego has taken centre stage in many occasions but it has come with a lot of sacrifices on my behalf. My main interests were always in writing and directing. Producing was just something I had to do to survive but I made my peace with it because it was still close enough to my passion. (another annoying word) People think they’re being smart when they say they’ll never work for a corporation or a movie studio - but they’re missing out in terms of really experiencing what an ugly and cutthroat world it is out there. You can’t shield yourself from harm forever. You gotta take some real risks to grow and advance. If not for learning the trade it is good for building character.

I fought for the movies I knew I could make - countless of sleepless nights spent in anxiety, depression, frustration, rage over scripts and projects that were moulded lovingly with the help of clever people I learned a lot from. So far I’ve written 9 complete scripts and countless stacks of unfinished ones. None of them saw the light of day. The pages are haunted. I found a way to deal with pain by building secret passages to my past and trapdoors to keep the insanity contained - majority of them of course dramatized for emotional resonance. I languished in personal tragedies thinking it would form a better foundation of character in me and meanwhile I tried to keep my eye on the prize for the most part. Now after 10 years I find myself with so many loose ends and some can only be tied up inside stories while I remain unresolved as a person in real life.

I may seem like a fighter but sometimes I succumb to mediocrity. People who know me may say that I’m an opportunist, I hardly ever turned down anything. I rushed into a movie twice when offered & both times I regretted it. I got fucked, fucked with, fucked upon, fucked over by so many people - who took advantage of my passion & naivety. And I knew too, for I didn’t care so as long as I was doing good work. Or any work. The reality of it is I became too blindsided and engrossed in whatever meaning I wanted to spin that I did not see the big picture at all. As a result of that, I must say I am mostly embarrassed by a vast majority of my own work. So that would explain the lack of self-promotion. The only consolation I take from them is the acknowledgement of my own weaknesses that could hopefully course-correct whichever wrong paths I’ve travelled down. 

I have fought for movies against conventional idealisms and old-age tropes. With a childhood of mostly worshipping at the altar of cinema I had selfishly abandoned all other worldly beliefs. Movies seemed much more spiritual than anything else. So my idealism gets the better of me sometimes. It may sound cheesy but I was always around to remind people the purest of intentions when the world of filmmaking becomes too overwhelming & business-oriented. At the same time I aimed to demystify their childish notions towards it. I always try my best to be practical because it was much more helpful than saying “Yes, you can do it!”. And I tried to practice pragmatism in anything I do. So I bid my time at times. I polished and nurtured my projects and constantly searched for like-minded people to collaborate with. Yet out there rages on a war between people who use artistic aspirations as a means to become rich, famous and powerful. Behind the thinly-veiled glitz and glamour of the movie world is a desperate Westworld-like kill-or-be-killed reality. I tried treading the minefield carefully in my navigation so it took me some time to find the right people to fight with. Because when you have the right people with you that makes any battle ten times more worth fighting.

I’ll keep fighting for the movies despite its deep influence by corporate interests. Making a movie is a gargantuan task you undertake at the risk of losing your soul and that in itself is taxing. But then you learn that all the decision-makers of the world pushed a pen over to a name or date and that’s that. A bunch of execs flipped a coin on your fate in-between smoke breaks while you’re out there jumping through rings of fire. How you find the balance and how much you compromise is a tale nobody is interested in indulging. Inspiration without realism sells better. 

I’m fighting still today, almost no difference than 10 years ago. The bridges I built - almost half of them rendered pointless due to countless ever-changing circumstances. I keep leaping from places to places every 3 to 4 years and everything resets. The older you grow the more you start to recognize that you are merely a victim of time. The universe is indifferent to your goals and ambitions. I have failed continuously for 10 years in a bid to be taken seriously as an ... whatever that is I’m trying to be taken serious for. I know if I keep this up most probably I would end up doing whatever I set out to do eventually. But then again none of that guarantees a catharsis, closure or compensation for this painfully mundane existence. Some would say “Hey, don’t beat yourself up so much. You’re actually lucky to be in the position that you are in.” To that I would say, “Winners don’t take consolation. Only adulation.”

Here’s hoping the next 10 years won’t be as bad.

“I may be in this ring, but inside I sing, so give me a stage, where this bull here can rage, And though I can fight, I'd much rather recite, because I'll go all-out for what I want, I'll never go blunt, For I wanna bring entertainment, and that's entertainment...”

If you don’t know where this quote is from please don’t make movies. Thank you.