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#Fits like a glove right down to the fact that PDs are sometimes genetic
crystalkleure
·
2 years
Text
Very Strong sneaking suspicion that I might have AVPD
#Fits like a glove right down to the fact that PDs are sometimes genetic
#My mom; my grandfather; and my grandfather's mother all have/had what my mom calls the ''[family name] Attitude''
#And it's just like. ''We are antisocial fucks who pathologically hate being around other people''
#''And you're my kid so you should too and so that is one of the many justifications I offer for having forcibly isolated you since Grade 4''
#''Stop telling me you're lonely. [Family name]s are supposed to move out into the middle of buttfuck nowhere in the deep woods --
#-- with only their spouse as soon as they possibly can and hide there like that until the day they die.''
#''I don't care that you're my kid and we can't get to the deep woods I'm just going to let my whole yard overgrow into a jungle and live --
#-- here with Only You for the rest of my life anyway. Close enough. You should be happy about this because you are a [family name].''
#And the worst part is that the Live In The Woods With Only One Or Two Very Close Loved Ones absolutely DOES sound VERY appealing
#It sounds very peaceful and quiet. I DEEPLY miss being able to go to my grandparents' house and just wander alone in the woods for hours.
#I damn sure don't want to do it with her though. I do not love her. She has beaten and tortured me throughout my entire life.
#.It speaks
#.Rua 🦄
#AVPD would...explain a lot...
#I rehearse every single potential social situation I could end up in in my head EXCESSIVELY to plan exactly how I will get through it...
#...and if I feel there is even a SLIGHT chance that something about it will go sour and become embarrassing/painful to me and I can't --
#-- plan out how to shut that Potentially VERY TINY Possibility Of Pain down COMPLETELY AND THOROUGHLY then I just. Will not engage.
#It's like paralysis. I just can't. It's Not Safe.
#I avoid my own EXTREMELY CLOSE FRIENDS like the plague a lot and I feel EXTREMELY GUILTY about it but --
#-- the reason I do it is because I don't feel like I'll be adequate enough social company. Not enough spoons to be Uplifting/Entertaining.
#I'm afraid I'll just be a mood drain because I don't have enough energy to spare and THAT causes me Crushing Guilt at the notion of --
#-- Inflicting My Presence On People. I don't want to get my bad vibes on anyone.
#For the most part just the THOUGHT of attempting to engage socially is so nerve-wracking it's exhausting
#So that ITSELF eats up all of my spoons.
#>I can't engage because I don't have the energy and I don't want to drag anybody else down >The THOUGHT OF ENGAGING takes all of my energy
#But I am miserably lonely
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