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irenethewoman · 1 year ago

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Mrs.Shelby-Chapter 9- Gift

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April 1920, Birmingham

John called us to the Garrison pub, claiming there was a matter to announce. He said he was going to marry Lizzie Stark. I don't want to comment on this. Everyone's a whore; we just sell different parts of ourselves. Those were Tommy's words.

Lizzie Stark is a good person; at least she knows gratitude. She took care of Martha before she died, and even after, she often visited Martha and John's children.

But John is a Shelby. How can Thomas Shelby's younger brother marry a whore? What does that mean for the future of the Peaky Blinders? What has happened to the Shelbys? Love runs deep, and for the sake of love, people throw everything away.

"Tommy, can you understand?" John pleaded with his brother. "You have Diana, and I deserve love too."

...Why should I care? I am Lady Vanessa from Chelsea, and would it be embarrassing for Tommy and me to be together?

At this moment, Finn rushed in, saying we had been robbed. The Lee family made it clear that they are also a bunch of bastards.

As I flipped through the ledgers, reconciling the lost property, Tommy found a pair of pliers on the table in the meeting room.

"Don't move! There's a hand grenade here," he warned.

Listening to their stories about the "jokes" on the battlefield, I was stunned. Still, I quickly responded, "No, there isn't. Otherwise, we would have been blown up when we came in."

"The bullets they sent only have my name on them. They want to kill me."

...Alright, what bullets? Tommy kept this from me again.

I watched him run out of the betting shop, seemingly knowing the location of the bomb.

I looked down at the ledgers. Money can be earned again, but things more precious than money are irreplaceable. If we want to replace Billy Kimber, we cannot afford a setback and let the Lee family take advantage. We must negotiate and become a tight unit.

Tommy returned, having found the bomb in his car.

He listened to my thoughts and nodded. I asked if he wanted me to accompany him.

He remained silent for a moment and shook his head. "The Lee family knows I have a beauty with me, but they don't know you."

"So what?" I frowned at him. I didn't understand. I just wanted to help him bear more, and besides, we were going for negotiation, not war. What's so scary about them knowing who I am?

Tommy shook his head and gave me a teasing kiss. "Can you... uh, smoke less..."

Tommy went to the outskirts market, and I accompanied Polly to find Ada.

Poor Ada, pregnant and living like a rat in the dark basement. Love? If this is love, I'd rather not.

Ada gave us the address of one of Sean's associates, a life for a life.

Since Ada left home, this was the first time I had seen her. She had changed from the lively girl of those years into a thin woman with a bulging belly. Her face was pale, and her eyes rolled around like a frightened quail.

"Don't torture yourself just because you hate Thomas," I squatted down, trying to persuade her gently. "And Thomas has done a lot for you and Sean, even though he sometimes seems annoying, he loves you. Go home."

I tried to persuade Ada to go home for rest, but she firmly refused.

It was raining heavily. I tightened my coat and stood in Tommy's garage.

Finally, Campbell arrived.

I handed him a note with Chapman's address. "This is Stanley Chapman's residence, and he has £200 from the Russians."

Campbell reached out to take the note but I dodged. "Use it to exchange for Sean."

He nodded. "You have my guarantee, Miss Turner."

Guarantee? Who would believe your guarantee? I raised an eyebrow.

His eyes betrayed him; he seemed to see me as a little animal that could be played with. He probably thought I was a gentlewoman protected by Thomas, harmless and innocent.

I didn't bother to correct his mistake. Let him see the consequences of his prejudice.

He asked me to pass a message to Thomas, asking him to hand over the weapons as soon as possible, and made a series of threats.

"Your spy, Grace from Garrison Pub," I spoke as he walked away. "Quite useless."

I watched Campbell stop in his tracks, turn around, and look at me.

We silently confronted each other.

"Miss Vanessa," he called me by my title.

That's right.

Despite scoffing at the news of "grandfather looking for me," I still managed to contact the informant who came from London. My grandfather, David Barton, was in poor health, his only son had already passed away, and he wanted me to return to be his heir, inheriting his factory and vast wealth. He even offered to help me inherit the title of Baroness—even though my younger brother George was still the current heir.

My grandfather went as far as seeking Churchill's help to communicate with me. Although I was indifferent to inheriting the wealth, I felt a bit emotional seeing the news of my grandfather.

In the face of the upcoming war, the support of such a wealthy old man would be a great help to the Shelby family. So, I decided to return to London temporarily.

I briefly talked to my grandfather on the phone, but the most important thing for me was to find information about the Russians.

The Shelleys sent a car to pick me up.

I drove my car and waited at the entrance of the Garrison. I planned to tell Thomas about my temporary departure to London and also to ask him about the Russians.

But Thomas seemed to be in a bad mood.

"Tommy," I called his name, but he only gave me a cold look.

"I'm leaving for London. Grandfather asked me to inherit the family business," I said softly.

This time, he finally looked at me seriously. "When?"

"As soon as possible. I'll be back after handling the family affairs. It's just a temporary return."

He didn't say anything. I could feel the chill in his eyes.

"I need to know more about the Russians. Do you have any information?" I continued.

He finally spoke, his voice indifferent. "We're dealing with them."

That was all he said.

I left Birmingham without saying goodbye to the others. As I boarded the car, I took one last glance at the Garrison, hoping that when I returned, everything would be fine.

However, fate had a different plan for me. I didn't know that my temporary departure marked the beginning of a series of unpredictable events.

As I stepped into the car, I could feel a storm brewing on the horizon. Little did I know, the storm would change everything.

#cillian murphy #tommy shelby #tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fanfiction #tommy shelby imagine #fanfiction #thomas shelby x reader #tommy shelby fanfic

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putyouinabettermood · 2 years ago

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Finn the quail from Fat Hen Farms wearing a little mushroom hat via https://ift.tt/XnjY3RC putyouinabettermood.com

#happy #better #mood #smile #aww #cute

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data2364 · 5 years ago

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Penny Johnson Jerald as Captain Victoria Gates 2013 in Castle “The Squab and the Quail“

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2804932/

#Star Trek #Star Trek TNG #Penny Johnson Jerald #Die oberste Direktive #Homeward #Kasidy Yates #Star Trek DS9 #Dr Claire Finn #The Orville #Captain Victoria Gates #Castle #Javier Esposito #Jon Huertas #The Squab and the Quail #Wachtel oder Täubchen

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laceymorganwrites · 4 years ago

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Uhh, ancient finns thought the Earth was born from a quails egg that broke.

In the beginning there was only Ilmatar, the void and a great deal of wind. She was lonely and wanted a son, East wind took pity on her and made her preggo. So then she just laid around for a while till a quail landed on her knee and made a nest, laying seven eggs, one made of iron while others were either normal or cosmic. Either way, her leg began to ache, and slowly she started to stretch it, but the eggs fell and broke, yolk forming the sun, egg white the moon, the shell the dome of the Earth, other created the earth snf underworld, and shattered egg pieces making the stars. Ilmatar then shaped the ground and added some things. Also she was still preggo at this point. The poor goddess had been pregnant for like. Seven whole fuckin ceuntaries, and after she was done making the earth, her son finally decided to come out and as you can guess, the guy was old as shit. Also a very good wizard!

Now as always, note that there's a ton of different version of this story, usually with minor detail changes but it's like the gist of it

Also apparently Vikings were scared of finns or somethin, because they thought they were all wizards who controlled the nature or somethin

Not too sure about that one tho

pls I love this sm!!!

this sounds so cool

#answers from the chef

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stellardarlings · 4 years ago

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#SavingWhatWeLove Day 4

We Have Everything We Need – Celebrate the characters introduced in The Last Jedi.

Rey really needs to get better about checking whether a space is empty before she barges into it. She has the ability to do that even without opening a door and yet, more often than not, she forgets, still unused to there being people everywhere.

It’s why she’s now trapped in a room with the silently crying form of Rose Tico, who startles at Rey’s intrusion and frantically wipes her eyes, pretending she hadn’t shut herself up in an engine room on the base to bawl her eyes out in private.

Rey would gracefully back out of the room and pretend they hadn’t seen each other, if Rose wasn’t already giving her a cheery, if watery, smile and a wave.

“Hey,” she greets Rey, sniffing and rubbing at her cheeks. “I was just—“

“I’ll go,” Rey assures her. “I only wanted a little—“

“Time alone?”

“Yeah.”

Rey likes Rose. She really does. She’s an endless source of optimism at a time when they really need it. And it’s a very focused, specific type of optimism which doesn’t allow for pessimism from anybody looking to squelch it. More than one officer has quailed under Rose’s glare when they’ve tried to proclaim a particular tactic or task is hopeless, and Rose has told them nothing is hopeless. Plus, she’s an excellent mechanic, always happy to listen to Rey’s ideas and find ways to make them actually work. She’s a good friend. Finn looks at her like she put the stars in R’iia’s eyes.

But Rey’s no good with crying. Rey doesn’t cry, hasn’t since childhood except for a few misguided moments on Ahch-To. She’d even resisted letting them fall when Han Solo plunged from the bridge on Starkiller Base, even though they’d stung her eyes. Rose is not what she needs right now.

And yet Rose’s forced smile has softened, its edges bearing her natural warmth. It’s genuine, even if it didn’t start that way. She shakes her head, her shiny hair shaking with the movement. “No. Stay. I’d like you to.”

Rey stays frozen in the doorway instead of approaching the crate Rose is perched upon. She has no idea what to say next.

“I’m sorry,” she blurts.

Rose’s eyebrows lift, disappearing behind her glossy fringe. “What for?”

“Whatever you’re crying about. Aren’t you supposed to say that to people who are sad?” She’s heard that from somebody. Maybe Poe? He’s always telling her that her manners are awful.

For whatever reason, this makes Rose giggle. “I mean, you can. But if you aren’t the person that made them sad, you don’t have to.”

“Oh.” Rey wraps her arms around herself, suddenly chilled in the drafty room. “Did somebody make you sad?” She could go yell at them if they did. That’s a way of being a good friend to Rose—at least, in a way Rey’s capable of.

“Kind of?” Rose looks down at her lap, then slips her hand below the neckline of her jacket. She’s clutching at something Rey can’t see. “I miss my sister, that’s all. Something reminded me of her and I had to get away from everyone for a little while.”

Finn told Rey what happened to Rose’s sister. It wasn’t so long ago, really, but the Resistance has barely stopped running since escaping from Crait. Poor Rose must not have had much time to herself to miss Paige.

“She was all I had left,” Rose continues. “But she gave herself up to make sure we’ll win, so I feel guilty for feeling sad at all. I shouldn’t focus on how I feel—I should be doing whatever I can to help us win.”

“I don’t have anyone left either,” Rey finds herself saying, and then it all comes spilling out, like she’s a freshly uncorked bottle. “I thought I did—for years—but I found out recently that was a lie. A lie I’d been telling to myself. My family are gone, and I don’t miss them at all, not really. I feel guilty about that too.”

It’s not the only thing she feels guilty about. She misses somebody in particular, but it’s not her family. She’s not even sure it’s somebody who ever truly existed outside of her imagination, not even when he’d been kneeling in the abandoned hanger on Crait, staring up at her with dark, sorrowful eyes. If he’d existed, the Resistance wouldn’t be hunted across the Unknown Regions right now.

Rose exhales. “You shouldn’t. Feel guilty. Not if they abandoned you.”

“Then you shouldn’t feel guilty about missing your sister,” Rey says softly. “And we’re not the only ones without any family. Finn doesn’t know what happened to his, Poe’s are gone, Leia…” She cuts herself off. Leia has family left, even if not many people really know the connection between the General and the newly minted Supreme Leader.

“I guess we’ll just have to be there for each other,” Rose decides.

Rey finds herself smiling. “I guess we will.”

#SavingWhatWeLove

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bigbeautifulcartoonpeople · 4 years ago

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So I've been thinking of baby names, and this is what I've got so far, right now the plan is to not know the sex until birth, but any suggestible additions or ones out of the lists that would be good a name?

Feminine:

Adora

Agatha

Alexandria

Amber

Athena

Auburn

Autumn

Ava

Avery

Ayodele

Brooklyn

Cathy

Dana

Evelyn

Fawn/Fauna

Genevieve

Hecate

Ionises

Jacqueline

Katana

Lilith

Magnolia

Meredith

Minerva

Naomi

Octavia

Penelope

Quinn

Raven

Sarah

Teresa

Veronica

Vinny / Vinnessa

Wednesday

Winona

Masculine:

Anthony

Barnaby

Brazen

Dionysus

Finn

Jerome

Levi

Macron

Mason Jr.

Philip

Piper

Spencer

Timothy

Uvo

Zeus

Neutral:

Ace

Alex

Amal

Andy

Ash

Augustine

Axil

Azar

Bai

Bao

Beau

Biscuit

Boa

Ewe

Faun

Grey/Gray

Maroon

Mint

Pepper

Quill/Quail

Tontonuse

Willow

Yak

Zax

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mymiraclebox · 1 year ago

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The Kwamis

Alpha Kwamis: Vitaa the Panda of Life Shii the Crow of Death Tikki the Ladybug of Creation Plagg the Black Cat of Destruction Graay the Wolf of Order Prrysm the Platypus of Chaos Stellar the Firefly of Space Koree the Raccoon of Void

Elemental Kwamis: Swaar the Dinosaur of Gravity Longg the Dragon of Storm Tonna the Feathered Serpent of Earth Zeffyr the Griffin of Air Duskk the Grim of Darkness Nokk the Kelpie of Water Emburr the Phoenix of Fire Matto the Pterosaur of Aether Kirrin the Qilin of Light Kiikaa the Thunderbird of Electricity Uunice the Unicorn of Magic Ziima the Yeti of Glaciation

Timekeeper Kwamis: Antiqq the Aurochs of Reversion Shaash the Bear of Preservation Sass the Cobra of Opportunity Zipp the Dragonfly of Progression Allta the Frog of Change Keena the Lynx of Intuition Frostt the Penguin of Stagnation Fluff the Rabbit of Evolution Apple the Red Panda of Lineage Passtel the Snail of Patience Faae the Spider of Destiny Mataara the Tuatara of History

Delta Kwamis: Harmonee the Ant of Cooperation Sannar the Axolotl of Restoration Fangg the Bat of Fatigue Chaapa the Beaver of Innovation Pollen the Bee of Subjection Maggi the Binturong of Magnetism Yanna the Bison of Victory Blancca the Blackbuck of Inversion Nooroo the Butterfly of Generosity Duune the Camel of Perspective Milli the Chameleon of Emotion Purr the Cheetah of Agility Reef the Coral of Sensitivity Dess the Cougar of Apathy Remmi the Coyote of Despair Snapp the Crab of Adaptation Llucie the Crocodile of Clarity Fawnna the Deer of Wilderness Barkk the Dog of Detection Clikk the Dolphin of Sound Olivv the Dove of Peace Liiri the Eagle of Freedom Tuskk the Elephant of Memories Florra the Elk of Growth Sorren the Falcon of Observation Trixx the Fox of Deception Elle the Gecko of Equality Parra the Giraffe of Confusion Ziggy the Goat of Imagination Karrma the Goose of Justice Verr the Gorilla of Sacrifice Spikke the Hedgehog of Precision Taamus the Hippopotamus of Density Kaalki the Horse of Migration Ravenna the Hyena of Scarcity Gloss the Ibex of Friction Izzy the Isopod of Instinct Niisha the Jackal of Connections Belaa the Jaguar of Imperception Jellos the Jellyfish of Hatred Kicc the Kangaroo of Avarice Vexx the Komodo Dragon of Corrosion Valoree the Lion of Courage Donna the Llama of Attention Vollee the Locust of Invasion Xuppu the Monkey of Disruption Allces the Moose of Evocation Duux the Moth of Hope Baash the Mouflon of Strength Mullo the Mouse of Abundance Currio the Narwhal of Wonder Attlantis the Octopus of Choice Jiicho the Okapi of Dimension Fleet the Ostrich of Guidance Ziibi the Otter of Transformation Tyyto the Owl of Secrets Stompp the Ox of Determination Lynn the Pangolin of Boundary Ecco the Parrot of Communication Duusu the Peacock of Psyche Daizzi the Pig of Love Glaace the Polar Bear of Endurance Anjjel the Quail of Mercy Habuu the Rattlesnake of Beauty Ommen the Raven of Probability Mannta the Ray of Immersion Kaanda the Rhinoceros of Augmentation Orikko the Rooster of Vitality Finn the Salmon of Navigation Aynna the Scarab of Reflection Verriti the Scorpion of Truth Daante the Seahorse of Fear Selkee the Seal of Elusion Flairr the Secretarybird of Passion Poppy the Shark of Joy Yuume the Sheep of Dreams Frijj the Snow Leopard of Silence Tinni the Squirrel of Diminution Noodle the Stoat of Elasticity Prrince the Swan of Loyalty Acce the Thylacine of Isolation Roaar the Tiger of Force Scuut the Tortoise of Knowledge Wayzz the Turtle of Protection Teer the Vulture of Sorrow Sotaa the Wolverine of Conflict Drill the Woodpecker of Expansion Divvi the Zebra of Duality

#20 canon plus 100 ocs #kwamis #kwami oc #kwami #oc kwami #updated list of everyone #hopefully its the last xD #plot twist it wasn't the last one #there will only be links for my OCs since tumblr only allows 100 links per post

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ratsoh-writes · 2 years ago

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Which animals would they be?

Hmm

Finn would be a quail. A little skittish but friendly too. And not at all aggressive

Sails is something lazy and Mostly harmless. Maybe a whale shark

Hook is wild and playful but hella dangerous. Like a chimpanzee

Captain is that natural leader, rough and elegant. Like a lion

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fablecoingolf · 4 years ago

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I really need to figure out what quail looks like so I can draw them and ben finn like

#theres nothing stopping me #but itd feel weird skipping sparrow #at least like #i think trying to #design a character as done immediately doesnt work #like thats not how to think of it?#i cant think of words im tired i just #saw this image and it made me think of them

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saieras · 6 years ago

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CH 6: A Horizon’s Bend

Summary: Every midsummer, the Haddocks made their way across the Great North Sea, back to the Hidden World where they could meet their dragons again. But as kings and empires rose in the East, and news spread about the wonders of the Archipelago, men sought after beasts of fire made flesh, for fire was power.

The fate of the Archipelago now rests on one family.

Genre: Adventure/Drama

Rating: T

Warnings: SPOILERS FOR HIDDEN WORLD

The Haddock children are canon. The other village children are my own creation.

Cover courtesy of gifs provided by @drchee5e and @frostyviking.

“Are you sure you don’t want some, Brother?”

Finn looked up, bleary-eyed, to see a stout red-haired boy pushing a wooden plate at him. It was laden with boar cutlets and roasted quail, gleaming under the firelight and looking deliciously juicy. His stomach lurched.

“I do want some,” Finn said miserably. “But I don’t think I can hold it down right now.” The world was still spinning around him, and he moaned. “And don’t call me that,” he protested weakly as he suppressed another gag.

Leif Dagurssen, as per usual, ignored his every word. The boy shoved the plate in front of Finn, sidled closer to him on the bench, and said, in an awed whisper:

“So what was it like, Brother? Sailing past the Maw?”

Finn almost winced when he felt Leif’s arm around his shoulder. It’d always felt ridiculous and almost cringe-worthy to be called Brother, but the Berserker boy was impossible to deter. Something about continuing their fathers’ legacies, or some similar yak-dung in that vein. Uncle Dagur certainly didn’t help matters — the man had beamed at them the first time he’d heard the phrase, and had proceeded to babble excitedly to Dad about how their children were turning out to be just like them. Finn wasn’t so sure he’d like that, even if Leif didn’t throw knives at him.

“I don’t know,” he muttered, giving up on corrections. “Scary, I guess.” But not as scary as being thrown a dozen times in the air by grown men, he thought glumly. It was the worst form of torture to have a feast you couldn’t stomach. He wish he could switch off his nose, at least!

“Woah, I bet,” Leif said, equal parts adulation and envy. “Father says he’ll let me try after I come of age. Maybe sooner, if I do well.”

“Uh huh,” Finn said. “That’s gre—” here he just about gagged again. “Oh for the love of Thor…”

“I think I can do it sooner,” Leif continued, unfazed. “Don’t you, Brother? I mean, I’m stronger than you.” He reached over and squeezed Finn’s forearm, then nodded, satisfied that it was indeed thinner than his own. Finn rolled his eyes and put his head on the table again.

“You do you, Leif,” he mumbled.

“I will! Thank you, Brother.”

“Wasn’t a compliment.”

Read more on AO3 or FFN.

Or start from the beginning.

If you don’t want to subscribe/follow on AO3/FFN, you can also request a tag by commenting! Thank you :)

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data2364 · 5 years ago

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Penny Johnson Jerald as Captain Victoria Gates 2013 in Castle “The Squab and the Quail”

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2804932/

#Star Trek #Star Trek TNG #Penny Johnson Jerald #Die oberste Direktive #Homeward #Kasidy Yates #Star Trek DS9 #Dr Claire Finn #The Orville #Captain Victoria Gates #Castle #Stana Katic #Kate Beckett #Wachtel oder Täubchen #The Squab and the Quail

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peacefulheartfarm · 2 years ago

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Raising Animal Protein

Raising animal protein for food on the homestead. What are some of the options? And what are some of the factors to consider when making your choices. As you may know our choices for raising animal protein on the homestead currently includes cows, goats, sheep and poultry. In the very near future, we plan on having pigs. There are other types of protein that we may have or have considered. I’ll talk about all of those.

But first, as always, I will never take you all for granted. You make this show possible.

Welcome to any and all new listeners and welcome back to the veteran homestead-loving regulars who stop by the FarmCast for every episode. You mean so much to me. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast. It has been a while and I’m so excited to share with you all about the homestead.

Our Virginia Homestead Life Updates

We’ve had a busy morning already. Scott is milking. I set up for making butter in a little while and put some yogurt on to ferment. It will be ready in less than 8 hours. I’ve been out to the garden and planted a half dozen flowers, stocks this time, and let the chickens out to play.

Chickens/Quail

Chickens you say. When did that happen? If I remember correctly, the eggs began hatching on April the 8th. I had 24 eggs each of American White Bresse and Black Copper Maran. There were two incubators running and all went well. I hatched 17 White American Bresse and 7 Black Copper Marans.

Due to the low hatch rate on the Marans, the eBay seller sent me another dozen for the cost of postage. I incubated those and hatched three more of the Black Copper Maran from that batch.

The first batch of low hatch rate was not my fault. Most of the eggs were not fertile or perhaps were “scrambled” in the shipping process. But I must say that of those that didn’t hatch in the last dozen, four were nearly or fully formed. I have no idea why they died just before hatching but have to believe it must have been something I did or did not do with that last batch.

At the moment, I have 14 American White Bresse and 9 Black Copper Maran. I lost three of the Bresse and one of the Marans. That last loss happened just a few days ago. That particular chicken was hatched six days after the rest of the crew. It was always smaller, but a little over 2 weeks ago, it developed some kind of disorder. It couldn’t really stand up. The vet happened to be here that day and took a look at it. She recommended antibiotics for a few days and see how it goes. That seemed to help a bit but eventually the chick succumbed to whatever the ailment was.

The vet did not have a lot of information on chicken issues of this type. She said there are just too many variables without testing. And chicken generally are not worth the cost of testing. So, there you go.

Dogs

There is a lot to talk about with the dogs. I’ll try to keep it brief. Let me start with the current state of affairs and then go back and fill in a few details. Finn disappeared about 4 weeks ago and has not returned. While he and Charlotte escaped a lot, Charlotte has always been back the next day and Finn never more than two days. We did have to go and fetch him three different times. He seemed to get so far away that he did not know how to get home.

Charlotte and Mack are now guarding the sheep. They seem to be doing well with that task. Charlotte still goes wherever she wants, whenever she wants, but she stays relatively close. She grieved for about two weeks after Finn disappeared. I had her on a tether so she could not run away, but even after I let her loose, she was very quiet. Being a Great Pyrenees, she generally barks a lot. But there was nothing for many days. Now she is back to barking up a storm.

Fear of Thunder

Speaking of storms, on the day that Finn disappeared, there was a storm and Charlotte returned home only hours after they both escaped. I found that she is very scared of thunder. Still, after seven months, she will not let me walk up to her to pet her. But if there is thunder, she is right there beside me looking for comfort. I can pet her all I want in those moments. But Finn did not show up with her, not unusual.

Let’s see if I can be brief regarding of the circumstances of Finn’s final escape. Starting about six weeks ago, we were trying to get them to bond with the sheep so we put all of them together in the front pastures. We had already been trying this for some time in the field next to the house. We were able to contain the dogs there. The same was not true when we moved them to the front fields. For several days we tried patching places in the fence to keep them contained. They still escaped nearly every day. After an escape that had Scott going a few miles to pick up Finn, we put both of them back in the field right next to the house. Finn was put on a tether. Charlotte will stay close by to him. We then spent long hours discussing what we were going to do.

Another Coyote Attack

In the meantime, we left the sheep in the front pasture. Within three days of the dogs being out of the pasture, we had a coyote attack. We lost six of seven lambs and one of our new ewes. The remaining sheep and lamb were moved back into the field next to the house with the dogs. Just three days alone and the coyotes zeroed in on them. We suffered yet another huge emotional and financial loss. It’s far in the past now and I am over it, but as you can probably imagine, it was quite traumatic at the time. Again, I was questioning whether we wanted to have sheep and goats.

I got over that bit of negativity and we still have the sheep and a deposit on some goat kids. More on that later.

After lots and lots of research, I decided to try and train Charlotte and Finn with an ecollar. It was recommended over and over again in the Livestock Guardian Training group on Facebook. No matter the ecollar system, it is an expensive and time-consuming undertaking.

We were keeping Finn on the tether and Charlotte always stayed with him. But what to do about protecting the sheep? We can’t keep them in the same field forever. The sheep must be rotated from field to field for their health and the availability of grass. The idea of fixing fences every day, every time we move them to another field or paddock was completely unrealistic. The time to complete the ecollar fence and training would be months and months. We decided to go back to an original plan before we got Finn and Charlotte. Mack was to be the sheepdog.

We had kept him separate with the cows because he chased the sheep. He bonded well with the cows and we were preoccupied with trying to train Charlotte and Finn to guard the sheep. All was well there. Now that Finn and Charlottes plan with the sheep was scrapped, we decided to bring Mack back into the picture. And this was the fatal day that we lost Finn.

Let’s Train Mack

Now that we decided to train Mack with the sheep, what was the plan to make that happen? We needed to check the health of the flock after their coyote ordeal. The plan was to bring all the sheep and Mack to the corral together so he could see us working with the sheep. Then we would bring the lot of them back to the field next to the house for a week or so until Mack could start to see them as his animals to be protected. Well, we needed to move Finn and Charlotte out of that field while we made this short jaunt up the travel lane to the corral and back.

We put Finn and Charlotte into the lower garden fenced area. We had held them there before and there was no problem. We didn’t take the time to move the tether. By the time we returned with the sheep and Mack only about 30 minutes had passed. I’m guessing that within 10 minutes Finn and Charlotte had gotten into the orchard and then completely out of the perimeter fence.

I’m still grieving over Finn. Tomorrow will be four weeks. There is not much hope, but I still cling to just a little bit of hope. He has a collar that has our farm name and phone number clearly visible from 3 feet away. I can’t imagine someone would steal him. How would they know they needed to strongly contain him? He could have run afoul of a bear or that pack of coyotes. He could have been hit by a car, though we have found no evidence of that. Someone could have shot him. He could have gotten to the Primland resort. They have all sorts of bears, lions, and who knows what else over there. It’s an internationally known hunting resort. I just don’t know. I just don’t know. And that’s the worst, not knowing. He could still be out there.

A Brief Hope Still Burns

About three weeks ago, we had a call from someone who thought they had “our dog”. I was so relieved, but then it wasn’t our dog, it wasn’t Finn. It was a Great Pyrenees dog that was extremely skinny and had some medical issues. Perhaps Finn is still out there somewhere like that trying to survive. There is that small string tied to hope coming up again. I better move on.

Sheep/Lambs

The remaining sheep and lamb are doing really well. We moved forward with the plan for Mack guarding them. Charlotte was also in the same field and I let her off the tether after only a few days. She was so despondent I thought it was best. My instincts were correct for once in that situation. No more escaping. She stays pretty close, though she does still roam around various places on the property. I will eventually have to train her to stay within the perimeter.

I think Mack is beginning to bond with the sheep. Moving him out of the field next to the house has sealed that deal. Before that move, the sheep were with Mack and Charlotte, but the calves were also in that field. Mack immediately bonded with the calves, but not the sheep. Moving the dogs and sheep to a separate paddock from the calves seems to have worked. Fingers crossed, so far it has worked. The sheep are still wary of the dogs. It will likely take months and months for them to become comfortable with Mack. I mentioned in a previous podcast that he is food aggressive. He has chased them away from his food multiple times. We are working on a system where the dogs can have their food and the other animals cannot get to it. The sheep are easily chased away but we really want them to get along with the dogs. Eventually, all of the cows and sheep will be together and the cows are not so easily chased away. And truly, the dogs should not have to fight for their food. Yet another plan is a work in progress. Scott is working on that today.

Goats

I’ve gone back and forth about whether I want to bring goats back onto the homestead. I already decided that I want Kiko goats. They are very expensive goats. And when I say expensive, I mean very, very expensive. The kind of expense that would really hurt our finances.

I have put down a deposit on a trio of Kiko goats. It will be late summer, fall or even next spring before we have these goats. Two does and a buck as a starter herd is the plan. Not only is it imperative that the dogs begin guarding the sheep so I can feel confident they will guard the goats, but more training will be needed so that the dogs don’t harm the goats when they arrive. Thankfully, that is still quite a few months down the road. There should be plenty of time to get the dogs and sheep stabilized in their symbiotic relationship. Adding the goats will be just a short training period with the goats in the next field over where they can be seen but with no contact. After a few weeks, we would introduce them to the dogs with close supervision until we are comfortable that the dogs will accept them as part of the family.

More on the goats as that time gets closer.

Cows/Calves

Luna went to a new home. We sold Luna and her bull calf to a lovely couple looking for a family milk cow that was not going to overwhelm them with milk. Luna was perfect for them. And her bull calf is going to be breeding their other cows. It was a great fit and I’m so glad that we could rehome her so well.

Since Luna is rehomed and Cookie finally had her calf, we are now milking three cows. Butter, Cookie and Claire. I make cheese on Mondays and the rest goes to the calves and fulfills the herd shares. All is going well with the cows at the moment.

AI for Spring 2023 Calves

AI for birthing in March has already started. We AI’d eight cows. By Monday we will know whether we need to try again with any of these girls. If we see signs of any of them coming into heat again, we call the vet and she will try again.

We also have a tentative plan to breed one or two in the fall so that we have milk year-round. Perhaps if only one or two do not take, we will let one slide and try again in December for births in September 2023. And there is always Cookie. She calved so late that she did not make it into the initial AI session. At the moment, she is already slated for December AI. Of course, we can still change our mind at any time until mid-July. AI can be done as late as Mid-July for projected births no later than mid-April 2023. There are always so many decisions to be made.

Garden

I’ll briefly mention the garden. Finally, the entire garden is planted. Yesterday I put in the last of the winter squash and melon seeds. I may plant a few more flowers, but the veggie part is done.

Tomatoes, Lima Beans, Eggplant and Chard

I ended up with a lot more tomatoes than I had planned. Who knows that I am going to do with them? I have four beds of baby lima beans that are looking good. The eggplant is going to be stellar this year, as is the chard. The chard is pretty easy, but I must say I am more than pleased with the eggplant. I haven’t grown it in four or five years because of repeated failures. I had given up on being able to raise that vegetable. I’ll say it again, these plants look fantastic this year. This could be the year of my success with eggplant.

Summer Squash and Cucumber

I also planted cucumber and summer squash which is also a first for several years. They have never done well for me. We shall see how they progress. It is too early to tell how they are going to do. We only transplanted my plant starts less than a week ago. I see many of them catching on, but time will tell.

Onions and Herbs

The onions look fantastic. I also have cilantro, parsley, and peppers planted. The cilantro looks weak. That one I keep trying but cannot say I have been successful with it – YET. No basil. I only started Thai basil and I sold all of those plant starts at the farmer’s market. I may have to buy a plant or two of sweet basil just to refresh my stock of dried basil. We shall see.

Winter Squash/Pumpkin

The last few beds have winter squash and pumpkin. Some of those are from seed which has not yet sprouted. I hope to see a jungle of plants out there in the next month.

Creamery

As far as the creamery, Scott and I (mostly Scott) are putting up the ceilings in the barn and milking parlor area. He has finally gotten caught up on all of his other tasks and is moving ahead with completing the creamery. As usual, we are behind schedule, but you know what?, we will keep plugging along. It will get done, but on God’s timeline and now ours. That’s about all I have to say about the creamery today. I hope to have lots of updates on this topic in the next podcast. Let’s get on to the topic of the day.

Raising Animal Protein

We have lots of resources that I’ve already talked about. As you can tell, there are always challenges, no matter how well you think you’ve laid out your plan. And every day brings new decisions that you never knew you would have to make. No matter how educated or prepared you think you are, just know that every day is a learning experience. You will never get it done, settled, never to change.

Large or Small to Start

Unless you have previous experience with large animals, cows may not be your first goto animal for raising protein. My suggestion is to start with something smaller. Sheep and goats are smaller, but even smaller than that are chickens. Chickens are always a great place for anyone to start. Comparatively, they are easy. In many places, you can raise chickens in your backyard. If you have an HOA, maybe not, you may have to forgo the chickens, but there are other options. I’ll talk about some in a moment.

The thing to keep in mind with chickens is whether you are looking for egg or meat protein – or both. If you are looking for both, check out dual purpose birds. There are many other factors to take into consideration, but this one is the most important.

Choosing Chickens

You don’t want to get caught up in exotic chickens, really cool looking chickens, that don’t produce the meat and eggs you require for your family. While many exotic-looking chickens can provide exactly what you need, it is important to check the statistics regarding the finished size of the bird and/or expected numbers of eggs per year. Some may be as little as 150 eggs per year, while others may produce nearly 300. Generally, the more eggs, the less body size. And vice-versa. More body size can produce significantly few eggs. It’s not 100% true, but a good rule of thumb. Rely on the published statistics for your chosen breed. While you may not buy from Stromberg’s or McMurray’s (those are the two biggest outfits that I know), they are a great resource for comparing one breed to another. They each have lots and lots of information about the chicken breeds they carry. It really helps in making your decision. Then you can choose who and where to get the chicks for your enterprise.

Once you’ve chosen your breed, the internet, in general, is your resource for details. Search engines are amazing for providing answers to specific questions. Just today, I looked up the age at which my chickens should start laying. For the Bresse it can be as early as four months old, while the Marans can be as late as six months old. I didn’t really consider that in my decision for which breed to choose, but it may be an important stat for you. How quickly can you begin to get eggs? Which breeds may have health issues? Are there any climate issues to consider based on where you live in the country? And so on. Choose your breed, but then read up on it to make sure it will be a good fit for you. And as always, you may make a mistake and need to start again. No problem. You won’t be able to think of every single question and get every choice correct the first time. As I said, every day is a learning experience.

You may consider ducks, though often we keep ducks just because they are cute and not so much for meat. Having said that, they do provide good meat and they come with their own set of challenges related to water. I don’t have any and can’t provide much more information than that. They always seem like more trouble than they are worth. Your mileage may vary.

Rabbits and Quail

Other small animals to consider are rabbits and quail. Both of these can be grown in the smallest of environments. And an HOA will likely not even know you have them as long as you keep the manure cleaned up regularly. Both tend to produce a lot of odors from excrement. Out here, I can get away with any amount of odor I can stand. In an apartment or HOA subdivision, you will need to find ways to dispose of the manure likely on a daily basis. As with all animals, there is learning to be done, but both of these animals are relatively easy to raise.

Goats and Sheep

I would say that the next largest animals up the scale are goats and sheep. Obviously, you need some land for this. I can’t imagine any HOA allowing grazing animals in your yard. But you also don’t need a huge amount of acreage for just a few sheep or goats. You will need fencing. If you keep them close to you, a family dog can often provide deterrents to predators such as other dogs and a coyote or two. An acre or two of good pasture will suffice for one to five goats and/or sheep. Of course, it depends on where you live, but supplementing with hay is always an option if you don’t have the grazing space. You’ll likely need hay even if you have the acreage.

Pigs

Next up would be pigs. We haven’t given these guys a try yet, but it is only a matter of time. We have been so focused on the cows, sheep and goats that we simply haven’t had the time to get this enterprise started. You can also keep one pig in a relatively small area. They are generally friendly and easy to work with from everything I’ve seen. Of course, it depends on the particular animal. You could end up with a mean or unruly animal. Just like humans, there are all kinds of personalities out there. Visit the farm where you plan to purchase your pigs and see how they interact with them. Is the breed you are considering a docile breed? Will it do well on pasture. Sad as it is, there are some breeds that will require some confinement and lots of feed to live and grow. They have been bred to thrive in that environment. If you have woods, you have a great environment for raising pigs more naturally. This is another animal with which I have no experience, so I’m not going to say more here. Just listing it as an option for animal protein sources.

Bovine Animals

If you are into the big animals, cows and even bison might be a good choice for you. Even with a cow, you can get by on a couple of acres. You’ll need more or less hay according to where you live. And as an aside, all of this info is for the US. I am definitely not your resource for anywhere outside the continental US. And I don’t have any info on raising bison, but there are plenty of them available out in the Oklahoma and Texas areas. They are a big, scary animal but it’s definitely doable. Check out Arms Family Homestead for info on bison.

How Much Do You Need?

Anyway, as far as beef, one butchered cow will provide protein for at least a family of four for a year. It depends on how much meat that your family consumes and that in turn depends on their ages. A couple of teenagers and you need the whole cow. If your children are younger, you might only need ½ a cow. And you will need to factor in what other animal protein sources you have chosen to raise.

Now that I am on that subject, I’ll give you our stats and you can perhaps scale it up for you and your family. For the two of us in a year we plan for as much as ¼ cow, ½ pig, 1 lamb and 1 goat. That amount changes depending on which animals we have available at any given time. But if all things were equal, that is what I plan for the two of us for a year’s worth of animal protein. Add to that lots and lots and lots of eggs from the chickens. As far as chicken meat, I don’t have a very good idea of how much we consume. Unfortunately, I’ve been buying them at the grocery store at irregular times. Usually, when I’m shopping and think, “gee, I haven’t had chicken in a while” and then I buy one of those rotisserie ones. All of that is coming to an end soon, thank God. At the moment we don’t eat a lot of chicken simply because it requires that trip to town.

I’ve heard others plan the number of meat chickens from one a week to one a month. There are 52 weeks in the year and 12 months. Your needs will fall in there somewhere. And all of that has to change if chickens and rabbits are your main source of animal protein. You might need two a week or some other number. Make your best guess and then adjust each year as you narrow those numbers down for your changing family situation. Again, your plans will change as you learn.

Final Thoughts

That’s it for today’s podcast. I’m changing my schedule to make it easier for me to publish podcasts more often. There is always so much going on and the animals and gardens have first priority – and of course getting that creamery up and running. We will get there eventually. In the meantime, I’m assessing how I use my time and opening up more opportunities to share our homestead updates and a little bit of wisdom on how you might get started.

God willing, I think I’ve given you enough basics on animal protein sources to get you started. Shoot me an email with any questions you have about getting starting with growing your own animal protein for food. I’m always happy to take a few moments to respond. Tell me what you are trying to accomplish and I will try and provide some guidance or at the very least, where to find more information.

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Thank you so much for stopping by the homestead and until next time, may God fill your life with grace and peace.

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solia-dreams · 7 years ago

Text

White Noise

I haven’t written Rey X Kylo before but they’re my kind of tortured, grey-area, should-have-a-bad-feeling-about-this-but-let’s-go-for-it-anyway pair so this came out of me today.

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She shouldn’t have touched his hand.

Months passed and she tried not to think of him, not as she worked with his mother and her loyalists to rebuild the Rebellion, not as she found herself increasingly relied upon as a pilot in their decimated force, not as she struggled to find time to refine and practise her skills as a fledgling Jedi among her other, more pressing responsibilities. She tried not to think of him as she watched Finn and Rose grow closer, painfully sweet as they were, and she tried not to think of him as she watched Leia and Poe’s respectful warmth, more acutely aware than most of whose role Poe was filling for the grieving General.

When she kept busy, which wasn’t hard, she succeeded in forgetting him. He was licking his wounds just as surely as his First Order were, just as she and the Rebels were. It was the closest approximation of peace anyone could have hoped for so soon, both sides too weak to strike out at the other, the galaxy at a breathless standstill, wary of choosing a side in a war that could still go either way.

When she ran out of productive distractions, that was when she felt it – their connection, forged by Snoke, still unbroken despite Kylo Ren’s betrayal. She couldn’t explain it but neither could she ask anybody about it. Rarely an experience so complete as when she was on Ahch-To, she no longer found herself looking at him, talking to him, trapped in an artificial room with him while all her other senses dulled. Trapped with him in endless white noise. She was actively avoiding thinking of him, and distinctly felt he was doing the same thing, and didn’t expect that to happen again without Snoke’s intervention. Instead, it was snatches, glimpses, a feeling she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, pin down. It was a gaze catching hers unexpectedly when she zoned out during a boring briefing, gone just as soon as she blinked, startled back to her senses. It was another breath synchronised with hers when she meditated and felt for the Force, gone as soon as she opened her eyes. It was a flick of a black cloak at the edge of her vision while she trained with her staff, a flash of sizzling red in the sparks of her microtools as she frustrated herself trying to fix the Skywalker lightsaber. It was a pull when she lay dozing in the pilot seat of the Falcon, ferrying supplies for the Rebellion, a disconcerting whisper against the silence of hyperspace.

It was temptation. The first of the books she’d stolen from the island warned of this: the dark side, tugging at her soul, baiting her with what it knew she couldn’t resist.

Worst was when she slept, when she dreamed and had no control of where her mind strayed. And stray it did. Confused, conflicted feelings of anger, loneliness, fear, disappointment, admiration, hurt and curious fascination swirled unchecked inside her, taking unsettling shapes in her subconscious, playing out in imaginary scenarios that varied in inappropriateness and foolhardiness, ensuring she woke most nights gasping and ashamed with the truths of herself.

In her dreams, her memories and desires and fears coalesced murkily. She found herself in battle with him over and over, in the snow, in Snoke’s throne room, in the jungle, on the salt flat in Luke’s place. Sometimes she won. She wanted to kill Kylo Ren for what he had done to the galaxy, to Han Solo, to the Jedi Order, to her. In those dreams she played out her desire to hurt him, see those dark eyes he’d inherited from his beautiful mother widen in shock and fear of her as she bested him and brought him to his knees, right before she put her saber through his chest. Always through his heart. He never wore his mask and she never took his head; though she slashed furiously at the face that haunted her, she could never do more damage than she’d inflicted outside Starkiller Base. He gained that scar over and over, and she burnt a hole through his heart over and over, and he screamed and begged and snarled and fell and tears spilled from those eyes she could not forget until the light went out in them, over and over again, but it was never enough to quell the hatred she felt for him. There was no satisfaction to be gained in defeating him.

Other times, she lost. These dreams left her just as hollow and unsated. She fought with all she had but in these dreams, it was not enough, and he took her down. He was unreasonable, infallible, the monster she had accused him of being, and he was so much more than she, stronger and bigger and better. His moves were fast and unpredictable, his slashes hacking, his posture animalistic, his control of the Force formidable, and he found her lacking at every turn. He shamed her with his impressiveness, drawing her childish admiration of him into painful, vulnerable light. He hurt her, he tired her out, he humbled her. Sometimes she thought he was toying with her; other times, he just wanted her done with. Every time, his eyes were cold and hateful and vengeful as he kicked her feet out from under her and drove his lightsaber through her. He went for the heart, too. He cared nothing for her, not in these dreams, and she woke from them afraid, face wet with humiliated tears. She was no match.

Then were the dreams that were more memory than fantasy, where he killed his master rather than kill her, where he brought her lightsaber back to her with the faintest touch of the Force he controlled so eloquently, where he stood over her and ignited his lightsaber not to hurt her, but in preparation for the consequences of what he had done. Where his eyes watched her get to her feet, the same eyes that had just watched as she was tortured and thrown about like a useless doll, where those eyes regarded her with resignation and respect and kinship – where she had known he believed in her to be able to fight at his back and hold her own, not needing his protection, where she had known that he trusted her and she could trust him. In the dreams where she battled Snoke’s Praetorian guards with Kylo Ren, she was alive, and emboldened, and afraid and horrified by what she was doing, killing with her own hands, killing with him…

She woke from these dreams unsure, even less sure than she awoke from the make-believe dreams, because the reality was far more frightening. She had never felt the Force like she had that day, and she had let it all in – light, dark, all of it, and used it as it guided her to use it. And it had guided her into an alliance with the darkest and most dangerous man she knew, which should have made her feel guilty or wary, but instead it had felt right, and worse: it had felt like Not Alone.

It was short-lived, the goldenness of Not Alone, because then the blue blade ignited through the red guard’s helmet and Ben Solo got to his feet, and she asked one more thing of him, to throw his power around a little more, power of the kind she could only fantasise about, to rein in his armies and save the day, and he was Kylo Ren again and he let her down.

The dreams were invariably violent, but not always in this same way. There were dreams of running away, either on foot or in the Millennium Falcon, chased by his dark and menacing presence at the back of her awareness. In these dreams, her heart was in her throat, thudding with terror, knowing when he caught her, she’d be done. She ducked under fallen trees or staircases or space debris in her desperate attempts to lose him, but it was never enough. His TIE fighter swung at her from the other side and fired on her, ending the dream, or a black-gloved hand closed on her collar and dragged her out screaming into the path of a swinging red blade, or, mid-step, she suddenly froze, caught in the web of his power, powerless herself, and behind her, his footsteps crunched on the undergrowth, ever closer, ever nearer…

“Rey…”

His voice left her weak with fear, and something else. Shame? With everything he said to her, he stung her. His words were cutting, even when he didn’t mean them to be. When she heard him speak, she knew she should run, but instead she stopped and listened. Somehow, absurdly, his voice had power over her she should be strong enough to resist, but wasn’t, even just in dreams. It elicited an instant kick to her heartrate, a drop in her ambient temperature if the goose bumps were anything to go by, and a shaky longing she’d never admit to. In dreams, though they left her red-faced in the dark, she could hear again as he spoke her name, in his dangerous voice that made her quail and sent a shiver along her nerves, and to say again the things he hadn’t meant to mean as much as they had – that she was not alone, that she was no one, but not to him.

Things no one else had ever bothered to say, but which she’d always, desperately, deeply wanted to hear. How had he known?

Indulging in reflections of words that meant far more to her than to their speaker led her into spirals of self-disgust, for what kind of nobody needs her enemy’s validation to feel whole and worthy? What insufficient scum needs more than the unconditional love and acceptance of a friend and brother like Finn?

“Join me… Please.”

Kylo Ren offered no love, certainly none such as the unending, protective love she had found in the former stormtrooper who had thrown his future away for the Rebellion, and for her, but he made her feel needed, wanted; and he did not accept her as she was, as Finn did, but he understood her. He saw her.

And she desired that too completely, too fully, and in her unguarded moments, waking and dreaming, she was haunted by his eyes, seeing her, understanding what she was, wanting her on his side.

Their fingertips touching impossibly through space and time.

The shock of electricity shared between them. The Force, untempered, wild and eerie.

The intensity of his vulnerable gaze. Not Kylo Ren. Ben Solo. Or were they one and the same, indistinguishable? Which one was it in the dreams where his eyes burned into her and made her stomach flutter? Who did she imagine would drag his fingers through her hair and murmur her name against her skin?

His fingertips tracing her arm…

His breath on the back of her neck…

His low voice in her ear, forever mocking.

Tonight, it was one of these dreams.

“Go on, say it,” he breathed, poised over her, taunting her. Pinning her to the bed, stretched along her. Eyes glinting, dangerous and fierce in the terrifyingly familiar face she’d scarred. His voice made her shiver with longing, and she tried to sit forward to meet him, but he never made anything easy for her. He pushed her back down. “Say it.”

She swallowed. “Please.”

And he gave in to her.

Rey sat up in bed, gasping for air and struggling against the binding of her loose blankets, which just a moment ago had been his hands, running the length of her body under his as his mouth closed on hers, his full lips exactly as soft as they looked each time she noticed them but exactly as strong and disarming as the words they produced. She pushed the blankets from her legs and swung her arm blindly at the wall beside her bedding. A warm, soft red light grew from the sconce above her, protecting her night vision. The small cubicle she called her quarters at the new Rebel base was darkened for the two daily night cycles, one of which she used for her scheduled sleep shift. She looked around the tiny space, from her one-person bunk (containing, thankfully, only one person, despite the inclinations of the dream) to the workbench along the opposite wall where her lightsaber still lay in the glinting pieces they’d wrenched it into like spoiled children fighting over a toy, to the small mat she’d laid on the floor between. She could see nothing out of place, no signs of disturbance, no indications of another presence.

She was alert now, so there would be no whisper, no flick of black cloak, no unexpected loaded gaze. But she still breathed deeply until she had control of her insane pulse, and listened, and looked, and waited, just in case.

She was pathetic.

She lowered her head into her hands with a groan, feeling sick. Who was she? The Rey of her dreams was variably a vicious murderer, a failure, a victim and a traitor. Her skin felt clammy and slick, and she dug the heels of her hands into her eyes when she felt them start to sting with the threat of tears. This had to stop but she felt out of control. These psychotic dreams of killing, kissing, hurting, fearing, wanting her greatest enemy, himself a murderer and a traitor but also her heroes’ son, they couldn’t be the product of a healthy, stable mind.

As much as she hated him, she admired him and desired his respect and attention. She wanted to kill him as much as she wanted to trust him at her back and feel the Force guiding them as one incredible unit. In sync with his every move, protecting his back as he fended off the majority of their foes, knowing he was protecting hers, feeling his motions before he shifted, ducking below his blade before he could swing it, tapping into the intentions of those intending to do him harm and blocking their weapon’s path before they could, intensely aware of the way the Force surged through him in the forms of passion and adrenaline, not fear and anger as she’d assumed, she’d felt connected, intimately connected, to another person. He was right in what he’d said, that she was lonely, and searching for family in everyone she met. In Han Solo she’d found a hero but not a dad; in Luke Skywalker, a legend but not a role model; in Leia Organa, a mother’s warmth but not a mother’s need. Poe Dameron had filled the gap Ben Solo had left in the general – the loss of either of these boys would be what destroyed Leia, not the loss of Rey.

She wanted to know him and be known by him, like nobody had ever let her know them or bothered to know her. They were the only two left, the only ones out there like the other. Two halves. Did she want him like these most disturbing of dreams suggested? She hoped not, refused to analyse them or give them any credibility. They made her feel unwell. The dreams were psychosexual, she told herself, metaphors for the powerplay between them. Domination. Submission. Winning, losing. Manipulation. Need. Desire. Fear.

She wasn’t worthy of Luke’s tutelage. She saw that now. Whether the hand of the dark side or of Kylo himself, she still fell into the same mistakes every night.

So it surprised her every night that he pretended not to know how troubled and pathetic and absurdly conflicted she was, and he afforded her the benefit of the doubt he had not afforded his own nephew. Faintly blue around his edges, transparent, he appeared cross-legged on the mat on her floor after every nightmare, beard tidy and trimmed like she’d not known in life, haggard face revitalised with spirit, eyes bright and patient and kind and optimistic like the boy his sister Leia remembered.

But not Luke Skywalker, the farm boy from Tatooine.

Not Luke Skywalker, the legend.

Not Luke Skywalker, the bitter old recluse.

Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master, at peace. And what peace he brought her with his timing every night, balancing her sickened queries of self-worth and her place in the galaxy with his steady presence and his steady, determined failure to ask about the dreams or pass any sort of judgement for what he must already know.

“So,” he asked, “shall we continue with Lesson Three?”

Rey smiled in spite of herself. Lesson Three, it turned out, encompassed everything about the Force and the Jedi Luke had left out in the first two very minimalist, very reluctant lessons on Ahch-To. She pushed herself off the bed onto the mat opposite him, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and pushing her damp hair from her sweaty forehead. Pushing Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, whoever he was and everything her weak subconscious had attached to him, from her thoughts with more strength than she possessed in her lonely, susceptible solitude.

Lesson Three and Luke didn’t make her feel needed or wanted or understood, but Luke, lofty now in his higher plane, could not be said not to see her. He gave her the things he couldn’t in life – patience, time, knowledge, wisdom – the things he understood and could see that she needed. He made her feel grounded. In control.

Like a Jedi.

“Yes,” she agreed firmly. “Please.”

---

I might write more, not sure yet. I needed to redeem Luke a little and explore my Reylo fascination. Hope you enjoyed it!

#tlj fanfiction #tlj spoilers #reylo #star wars fanfiction #rey x kylo ren

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