#Feels kinda exhausting to try to keep fixing myself but can't ever really make it better

[rain-fall-23]

Not your job anymore…

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I want to talk to you so bad but I don’t think I can anymore cause it’s no longer your jobs to care. It’s no longer your job to listen to me talk about my favorite books or shows or the things going on in my life. You quit that job not even a 2 week notice but that’s okay. Not really but if I keep telling myself that then eventually it has to be right? Even though its not your job anymore and you will probably never see this (and this is probably stupid) here are something’s I’ve been wanting to text you

You graduated last week and even tho I wasn’t there I want you to know I am still proud of you. I know how hard you worked and I know you are going to do great things in life. I hope you’re doing good and I hope you’re happy.

I finally quit that job I hated. After 5 years with the company I just couldn’t do it anymore. That manager took away headphone and I know that’s such a dumb reason to quit but after the break up music was the only thing keeping me going. Obviously it wasn’t the only reason I quit but I could have continued to handle the double standards and management not listening and everything else as long as I had music but not without it. It’s better off this way, I still don’t know what I’m doing but it’s gonna be okay.

I haven’t been sleeping. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted but I can’t get my mind to shut off. I knew 2 years ago i would be fucked if we ever broke up not just because of the hurt of all of it but because even then I couldn’t sleep with out you on FaceTime and now my sleep schedule is so fucked and that’s my fault i should have known better then to let it get that bad but there’s nothing i can really do about that other then try and fix my sleep schedule. It probably wont happen tho.

You would be happy about this one, C and I stoped talking as much. There’s no reason for why other then we no longer work together. I know you probably wanted some big fight or something because you never really liked her but yeah. It’s weird tho because I thought she was my best friend and I thought it would always be that way but I guess not. She did come over today it was really awkward I was really anxious the whole time and everything felt off. Oh and get this her and her husband are expecting their first baby! I’m happy for her and I know she will make a good mom.

There’s so much more I wanna tell you but I guess none of that really matters, I hope your well I miss talking to you.

Next month would have been 3 years together.. anyways I’m okay I have to be. (I know this is stupid but it kinda but not really makes me feel better)

[shrews-things]

On chronic pain and dysphoria

[obeymehasinfluncedmythoughts]

Poly!Mc Who Has Panic/Anxiety Attacks.

TW! Rant in Author's Note and also potential triggers in the writing.

I am having not good time and I'm kinda having one of these myself.

Y'know the worst thing about being abused and not talking about it is that when you react to it, people act like you're over reacting. Thank you little brother for telling me that not wanting to talk to my abusive ex's mom was rude, and that I was being over the top. And he was really just talking to my mom so "God Maddie this doesn't involve you"

If I ever felt worthless before the thought that interactions with my abusive ex's parent doesn't involve makes me feel even fucking worse. This is why I want to fucking move out.

Lucifer

Definitely makes sure to ask you about the tools you use to calm yourself down, then makes sure to have what he can on hand at all times.

(I've begun to imagine Lucifer with a little backpack full of your little things if you are also a person who takes multiple medications, has special equipment, dietary restrictions, ext. He's like a prepared mom with snacks in containers and those little squeezable applesauces)

He'll probably set up a specific system with you to tell how you're feeling. It could be as simple as green, yellow, and red, or something more complex to your own design.

Depending on your preference, he'll ask you how you're feeling throughout the day. Whenever he receives an undesired answer he'll make sure to take you somewhere quiet and help you figure things out.

First he'll start with basic questions to take your mind off things. He'll ask you about small details of the day, or even from the night before to really get your mind moving.

Following that, Lucifer makes sure to ask you what you want to do. If you'd like to go somewhere else, continue on your day, or go home.

From there it's pretty simple. He adjusts himself to what you need, and the two of you will only ever address the issue when he's certain you've rested and recovered.

Mammon

He's definitely only got one approach to this.

Whenever you're building up to an attack, or even in the midst, you'll almost always find yourself surrounded by the demon's arms.

^This is a great tactic for some, it isn't for others... it will take him a while to learn this. But, until then, you're usually wrapped up in Mammon's embrace as he rushes through any obstacles in your way.

He's just trying to get you to a safe space!

After he's actually found that space though, things calm down a lot. He makes sure to get your comforts close to you, erase stimulants, and put your mind at ease.

It's kinda like watching someone fumble a football throw, but catch it despite the clear mishandling.

Probably because you know he really is trying his best.

Leviathan

Levi is great at distractions.

He's quick to catch onto any form of mental panic too.

With those powers combined, he makes for a great buddy to ride out the waves of fear, frustration, and utter exhaustion to follow.

You'll always have a game, book, or show to keep focused on.

On top of that, there's lots of blankets for cuddling and wrapping around yourself.

(Also swimming is a benefit. You might not exactly feel it in the moment, but the emotional reset and potential joy that could follow from watching the reptilian demon wiggle through the water is incredibly tempting.)

He's not the best talker though, and if you do want to discuss your fears, he might stumble over his words a little too much for your comfort.

That's okay though. He has extra ramen hidden in his room.

Satan

Likes to get an idea for things that could potentially trigger your attacks before they happen.

He feels like that will prepare him more, but it really doesn't.

Sometimes reading books about the subject just isn't enough. Especially not when you're in the moment, witnessing the emotional toll it's taking on the person you love so much.

He has a hard time coping with the idea that he can't just fix things instantly. Sure, good things come to those who wait, but it's not like this is a potion slowly brewing. This is you.

Will take tips from Lucifer's book and carry around things to help calm you down.

That's the only credit he'll give Lucifer in all this.

Asmodeus

Definitely panics when he witnesses your first attack.

He doesn't really know what he's supposed to do. There's obviously an issue but it's clear that he can't see it.

Asmo tries to ask you in the moment what he can do, but that's counter-productive.

So, after his first experience he'll seek guidance from his older brothers.

Likes to buy you cute stress toys (eve if you don't use them)

He is trying to help but really he's kinda an airhead.

Beelzebub

Beel does a lot of talking.

He likes to make sure you're aware that you don't have to put your guard up for these moments. That you can let it all out, and he'll watch over you.

He describes the surroundings and makes sure to let you know what's happening in attempts to make the inevitable drop after your attack a little easier.

Beel is pretty good at noticing potential triggering topics during the day. Whether this is due to his height that allows him to look over everything, or his natural perceptive eye, you can't tell. Either way you're thankful.

Big arms make for great, secure hugs.

Probably likes to hand you over to Belphie afterwards, simply due to how tired you'll be. Belphie is always great for sleepy cuddling.

Belphegor

Doesn't really see your attacks often.

Between sleep, school, and his occasional spite-fueled adventure that drags him away from your side, he's not around as often as some of the others.

Well, at least not during the day.

He sees a lot of you at night, especially when you've just woken up in the midst of an attack, probably upset by something in your dreams.

Belphie is great as calming you down by assuring your dreams are, in fact, just dream.

He also always promises that the next one will be good, because he can't have his one love becoming any less sloth.

Very soft, very caring. He's also got a lot of blankets and pillows in case you need more security.