#FVete

[life-rewritten]

Don’t say no Ep 1-11; Messy, Complex and Heavily Misunderstood

So yes, I’ve come back after a long pause because of a show that I was even surprised I wasn’t writing about. Since I decided with my blog that I needed time away from how I consumed and perceived media. I needed a break from the fandom and how it seemed like all I talked about was the same repetitive themes of morally grey questions and opinions found in certain genres, mainly boys love. So I took a long pause, kept watch of all the shows airing, and it helped that COVID also caused a drought with most of the media that would make me want to write. But here we are, everything is coming back, and in the meantime, although there was a shortage, BL seemed to never stop. Still, it didn’t feel the same primarily due to poorly produced and frustratingly shallow shows only available, which, if that’s to your liking, crack on, but it isn’t to mine. One show, in particular, that managed to survive the drought was the sequel to the TharnType 7 years the series; Don’t say no (DSN). 

An introduction to DSN

And I know what you’re saying, that’s amazing; if you know my history on this blog, you know I was obsessed and very protective of a particular couple in this series; Leo and Fiat. I wrote about them the most on here; I squealed, defended and even managed to predict certain arcs for both characters. So I should have been excited, I should have been writing on here for the past 3 months, but I kept silent. I watched as people who I never thought would watch a Mame show, show up, insult, and berate the show without even giving it a chance. I watched as people started, for some reason, focusing on only certain aspects of this show and saw the rise of the show’s popularity. With quotes like “This is actually healthy, communicative and filled with lots and lots of character development”. I saw people praise the show whilst still close-minded, stayed on their high horse that they could never ever like something that was Mame’s and that there must be a different writer because DSN was actually great for some reason. I found it hilarious; for once, I’m the one cringing and not liking how the show was ( I dislike the directing so much), whilst others felt like they understood and loved the story, fair enough to them. 

It’s also funny to see the outrage poured out for episode 11. Everyone being like, of course, it’s terrible it’s Mame, I forgot who the writer is, she’s never good at character development, toxicity is all she cares about, bla bla, bla.  And I’m just like, but episode 11 was always going to happen. This was always going to be a conflict that has been set up, foreshadowed and hinted at throughout the whole show, and if you watched the prequel, you even know why this had to happen? 

I’m not saying it’s award-winning or excellent writing, but saying inconsistent, stupid, nonsensical is a bit… It just means that you haven’t been watching this show at all, or you have ignored all the warning signs and depth added to this show purposely by a writer who consistently plays with themes like these, making her bls always have dimensionality and complexity embedded in her characters. 

So once again, I’m here defending Mame (who I keep repeating I think is a good but flawed writer) and her choices and again explaining why she chooses to do what she does. How she’s not shallow or stupid or whatever people call her writing for no reason, how she puts thoughts into her main characters all the time and her love stories (on tv now, that is) and how she is trying to grow and learn as she keeps on writing BLs.

And so we’re back to Leo and Fiat. Ahh, Leo and Fiat; one of my most loved dynamics in a couple since last year. They’re toxic, messy, immature, and buck load filled with issues and psychological problems to count, and yet I love them because of this complexity because no matter what, their love, like most of Mame’s stories, is unconditional, ‘healing’ and protective. There is no doubt in what they have for each other as love. And even more, this is a bl that is actually really unique, it focuses on these two’s journey after being friends to lovers, it focuses on what happens in the middle of that journey, the fears, the pain, the worries, the frailty of this trope and it uses two incredibly broken people to do this.

It also does the job of making Fiat, someone so detested and misunderstood, finally, have his spotlight, and for people to see that, like with all of Mame’s characters, there’s always more on the surface, a reason for the madness and the pain. It finally exposes Fiat and Leo’s relationship and shows their fears and determination to make it less delicate and long-lasting. From where these two have come from, it makes sense their romance is easily breakable; there are too many cracks needed to be mended in both; psychologically, corporally and emotionally, for this to be sturdy. And so what DSN does is that it slowly unveils these cracks (that were hidden in subtext before) to the surface, it finally exposes Leo and Fiat’s façade, secrets and weaknesses, but it does it step by step. Because Fiat is more hurt and has more demons to slay, he’s at the forefront of this plot like Type was at TharnType. It’s his hurdles we’re exposed to; they’re needed to be defeated for this relationship to truly work; they’re more urgent, so we get reuniting with his family and facing his scars, understanding and knowing he’s not a burden to people. He’s wanted, finally receiving love and also finally being with Leo. It’s mainly focused on him, but Leo, the knight in shining armour, our prince charming essentially. Charming, protective, romantic, and dreamy Leo is also important for this relationship to work, yet he never gets to voice out his demons. They’re slowly littered and solved temporarily, only for it to surge back again, but it never is about his struggles. It’s always about Fiat’s healing. 

This is why I laugh when I see people say character development because Leo hasn’t even yet begun his (and that’s a fault of Mame’s writing; she continually exposes that too late, she did the same with Tharn in TharnType season 1), for there to be character development, the flaws and issues have to be exposed to the characters. Still, with Leo, everyone tends to focus only on his mask of strength and perfection on the surface. Because of course, in other to be with Fiat, that’s what’s needed, strength, unconditional support and love, but people forget that courage is also something necessary. 

Leo; Strength, Loyalty and? 

Courage, since he was first introduced to us, is something that Leo does not have. It’s in his character concept, like yeah, he’ll stand up to Fiat’s father, and that can be seen as courage, but that’s not what I mean. Leo’s flaw and concept are that he feels insecure, inexperienced, and inadequate for his role as Fiat’s person with all the responsibility he has. And this has always been something that paralyses him; it caused him to put Fiat and him in a cage for over 10 years of misunderstandings, miscommunication, and mistakes. And it took Fiat indeed until episode 11 to realise the gravity of what he’s been going through.

Leo was never developed; the only progress he truly made with his scars was to step out and confess his feelings for Fiat since the beginning and don’t get me wrong, he has been helping Fiat through his development because Fiat is the only person who actually grew (even shown with how he reacted to the kiss in episode 11). People need to realise that with Mame, the last few episodes always unveil the truth about the other love interest, that they’re also not okay, they’re also traumatised or affected in their own way, and usually their pain is never taken seriously because in society it doesn’t look like big of a problem as what their partner is going through.  

Leo is a coward, and it’s something that Leon finally called him out for at the end of episode 11. He truly takes on the burden and responsibility on his shoulders because it’s what makes him feel strong and makes him feel good about himself, but in reality, it’s too much on him, and when he’s left to his thoughts (as shown with his nightmares about Fiat’s fickleness) he breaks. And the reason is that mentally, he does not think he’s good enough or worthy enough to be in the position he has. It’s why Mame chose to make this plot happen towards the end. It’s not that she loves regression but that her characters aren’t fully yet grown or healed or ready to be together until all their issues are on the surface.

Mame; Toxic, Complex and? 

I agree the way she writes them is imbalanced and toxic, but I was never one to shun toxicity in stories, as you know because they introduce complexity and unique storylines; just because something is on tv does not mean it always has to be healthy or idealised. Mame’s flaw is because she thinks love can heal all cruelties. That’s the basis of all her stories, that love can mend it all.   She adds psychological depths to her characters to make them interesting and not just a hero or a villain. This is dimensionality, and it’s a great way to create concepts for stories. Her issue is because she’s not fully educated about the psychological aspects of her writing; she comes off like she sees it as a shallow thing and that love solves everything. As long as you have a good love story, it’ll make you want to change and improve and heal. 

 I get that issue; I also hate that she uses drugging and other immoral acts to cause conflict, but firstly, she’s not the only writer who does this; it’s not just bl that does this; this is misused in other stories for a plot.  I guess to her, it’s the only way to make the characters go through drastic measures needed to make them stop pretending, and it unveils their weaknesses and flaws or is connected to their past mistakes and trauma that hasn’t yet been dealt with properly.

 For example, Fiat is always a victim because DSN is like a tick list of all the karma/issues he caused coming back to get him. It basically educates and forces him to see how his actions affected others and how much pain and hate he had for himself that was unjust. So, unfortunately, because he doesn’t know what Leo is going through or what Leo’s most significant pain is, he had to see him kiss a girl. And this has always been something that was associated with their story and character arc. Fiat’s promiscuity is one of the challenges that caused both he and Leo to be stuck in that 10-year cage they were in previously, and it’s something that wasn’t solved when they got into a romantic relationship. 

Fiat; Confident, Loved and?

Fiat knows this; it’s why he hid his urges because he knew that there was a fragility to that aspect of their relationship. After all, Leo struggled with that. It’s why he changes in the show and why you slowly, as he heals, see that bratty, whiny yet confident and sexual version of him appear again. As much as I hate the being roofied thing, it’s an uncomfortable way to make Leo see Fiat once again (since Fiat is now grown and matured) in that regressed state he used to be in the past, drunk and with a conquest. There had to be a way to make him act in a manner that wasn’t him anymore, and it had to be King because King is connected to Leo’s biggest fears and insecurities about himself which is hinted at throughout the whole show.  It was used to parallel the past with Leo and Fiat; Fiat to test Leo would always call him to see him drunk and be with another conquest; King knew this and used it. Is it the best way to write this? No, but Mame is toxic, and she doesn’t hide that she is writing a toxic story.  When she puts out concepts and character arcs, she stays consistent; in my opinion, this whole show truly explained and brought Fiat the understanding he failed to get in the prequel, but it also brought its own plot twists to show how both Leo and Fiat aren’t aware of everything, it showed how they would end up falling for this trap because they’re still fragile, ignorant about certain aspects of their scars and still have cracks. 

And whilst I hate the cheating and possessive trope, it makes sense that Fiat did trust Leo (a sign of his growth and change) about kissing the girl, but he actually was just in so much pain about it. The reason he had to be this way is that he did this to Leo over and over again. And it’s something that wasn’t adequately solved. For Fiat, it’s not that they’re regressing in communication but that he’s still processing something he’s never thought he had to deal with. With everything that’s already happened to them because of him, he was afraid of this, causing a crack to their fragile relationship as it was finally strong.

 When he realised this is probably what Leo has had to deal with for 10 years especially seeing how Leo snaps, he chooses to make them go back to friends because he doesn’t want Leo hurting that way again.  

He couldn’t even deal with the pain with trust and just kissing; what about Leo, who he tested continuously with sleeping with people. His regression is consistent because it’s the same reason he let Leo keep their relationship friendly for 10 years; he believed making it romantic would ruin them. He’d hurt Leo because, at that time, he thought he was a monster, unlovable etc. It’s always been his biggest fear, breaking Leo. It’s always been their concept, and it makes sense that that’s what he’ll do because Fiat has always been on edge about how fragile their romance was since the beginning of the show.

That’s the show’s whole theme: that fear of being friends to lovers because of their past and their psychological traumas and hurt.

DSN; Messy, Complex and?

I honestly could write a more extended essay and have evidence and proof and more, but I feel frustrated by the fact that people are refusing to get why this plot was written. It’s not the best choice of writing, but it’s not nonsensical or surprising either. It’s only Fiat that has the growth and the opportunity. In episode 11, his regression was also progression, in my opinion, because he dealt with everything maturely and ended things first. Always putting Leo first has always been his priority, it shows his growth, in my opinion, whilst with Leo, he’s never had that emotional support or help. 

The show has just been showing how many things he’s had to deal with, how alone he feels when Fiat isn’t there (from like childhood because his parents aren’t there), how much responsibility he’s had to shoulder and bear and then the whole past with King and his insecurities as a leader and romantic interest to Fiat. It’s something that’s plagued him for years on his own. He has no emotional support from anyone focused on him, not Fiat and him, so he was never growing. He was just always trying to be something everyone wanted him to be, and so his regression makes sense; his arc makes sense because he always deals with things on his own. I think writing-wise, it just sucks it wasn’t dealt with before Fiat’s mother’s drama; I would have put this whole King drama before that and truly made Fiat’s mum the last villain and problem they have to deal with. That way, people won’t feel too flabbergasted by the regression when it seems that they finally both had grown and were happy and loved.

At the end of the day, I’m not going to say that DSN is a masterpiece because it’s not, I actually don’t enjoy it the way people do, but I will defend things about it because it’s one of the only BLs out now that has depth, complexity, conversations and uniqueness to it, it’s not afraid to be messy, and it also showcases a very romantic connection that most BLs fail to show. Its plot is structured, planned, and mostly thought out; there’s an effort in telling these two’s story and making them feel natural and not just one dimensional. Once again, with this writer, we have a polarising show because no matter how much people want to hate what she produces, certain aspects of how she writes make you also care deeply and like what she has if you’re honest with yourself. Episode 11 of Don’t say no makes sense, not the best plot twist or obstacle, but it makes sense; it was shown throughout the show, it was hinted at, and it was consistent with the dynamics presented in this show. That’s all. 

[life-rewritten]

WE BEST LOVE (Fighting Mr Second) Deyi And The Role of Family, Duty/Obligation and Responsibility.

Let’s get to it, oh my, We Best Love just keeps on getting better and better the more I break it down. Seriously I am so surprised by how much I can write about this show especially when it comes to these two, they’re so incredibly written in my perspective just because they hit all the right things I want from writing; they are 3 dimensional, they’re flawed and realistic, they are relatable (the more we get to understand why they do what they do) and their romance is both sweet and entertaining but also deep and serious. There’s nothing else I can say when it comes to praising this show especially season 2 which is very polarising to the audience because they feel whiplashed by the sudden seriousness and change of tone with the goals the show is trying to achieve. My thing is if you don’t understand the show properly, and how the characters have been planned and written from the start, you end up in season 2 just being sad and frustrated by how many mistakes the characters make, how stupid and illogical their actions seem when they do something or they respond to something. For example in episode 3 Shide is seen as an idiot, a noble idiot, his actions by pulling away and refusing to communicate and be open with Shuyi is seen as stupid and annoying because it caused a lot of pain, suffering, anguish for them that could be avoided. And yes it was uncontrollable situation to him that he tried to deal with but because there are other ways he could have dealt with this more maturely, smarter and better, there is this struggle to try and forgive and understand his perspective for why he decided to stay away from Shuyi for 5 years. It’s very sad and upsetting to know the reason is again a basic trope used in BLs and romance stories. But again I keep saying We Best Love isn’t trying to do something different it’s using the same tropes in this genre but writing it better. And I know it doesn’t seem like the choices made so far in the show is smart but there is understanding when you finally break down what the writers are trying to say with this story, why the writers are choosing this path. So again I come with another essay (my second one this week) focusing on Deyi and why it’s more complicated than just what we saw in episode 3 about the truth of Shide’s reason for why he chose to give into Shuyi’s father. Let’s break it down shall we?

The Theme of Family in WBL

The first thing about this essay is going to be focusing on the role of family, duty, obligation and responsibility in We Best Love. Family is something that has always been important in the show since we started of our couples first reason for talking to each other being that they both have lost a family member. The effects of Family in the show is very prominent and shown in season 2 of WBL. But also it’s always been hidden and hinted at how the environment that Shuyi and Shide grew up in (Nature vs Nurture) had made them become who they are in both seasons. So the reason why Shide is  seen as responsible, always in control and strong is because of him having to replace his father’s role when he was younger to want to be the one to protect and take care of his family. For Shide Family means everything to him it’s what makes him who he is, his focus is his duty and obligation to them to make sure they are living peacefully and safe. This started of just as his mother and him but later on as we see in season 1 he also then takes the responsibility (In America) over his stepfamily as well, we don’t know exactly why he’s the one who has to deal with a lot of struggles to protect the family again, but everything he does is to keep them safe. The reason why we see him in season 2 in his company is again to do with Family. And Shuyi is not different, Shuyi is also shadowed by the influence, control and hold of Family, he has a legacy he has to protect, but also someone he has to impress and become like his father who he was left with. Whilst Shide takes on the role of protecting the family’s safety and happiness by ensuring they’re taken care of and at ease, Shuyi also takes on this role to protect his position, his heritage and his father’s riches and company by being competitive and determined to be on top. So this has always been there since season 1, it explains a lot about how these two think and how they act. They’re both feeling pressured by the responsibility, duty and obligation they have to the role they play in their family to succeed.  And what season 2 does is it brings that to light, it shows the struggles that they have been going through but also it makes us see the sacrifices and choices they have to make because of this influence of Family and pressure of Duty.  The idea of having to both hold a weight of responsibility which clouds people from them, their wants and needs, and leads them to make constant sacrifices.

The Introduction to Shuyi’s Father

 So that’s important to notice because episode 3 brings in a revelation that Shuyi’s father is very important to the break down of our couple’s relationship and the reason for why they’ve both entered a state of misunderstanding and miscommunication.  It’s because he pressured and made Shide separate from Shuyi for 5 years that we are in this well of pain and anguish and toxicity. Shuyi’s father is not introduced to us immediately in season 1 but his shadow is there. The mentions of how Shuyi has an easy life, his wealth, having people keep an eye on him, having a very privileged easy life is hinted throughout the whole season until finally it’s after Shuyi and Shide fall for each other, the father shows up from the dark. He’s been keeping an eye on Shuyi and looking out for any hints or clues for obstacles to his goals, but also when we first see him he’s shrouded in dark lit room, he’s cold, has a powerful aura and demands to know more about the situation. We can already see from how he reacts that he’s angered by the situation. So we know he is going to be our villain in season 2, it’s not a surprise to realise that he’s always been the reason for why our couple is separated, it’s not a surprise to see that he’s an obstacle to them. But the thing about him is that as much as he is at first just a typical one dimensional homophobic BL parent, he’s more than that, in fact at the end of this analysis you will see he’s not even the villain the writers want us to focus on because he’s not a villain, he’s actually so more than that. Let me explain more.

A Lovers Game or A Long Lasting Commitment?

The first time we see him as an obstacle is when he calls Shide,  after Shide returned back to America to find Shuyi and know what’s going on. Shuyi had misunderstood and thought Shide was married with a kid and had left him. So Shuyi was not speaking to Shide and Shide after dealing with his own family issues, finally returned to Taiwan and came to face to face with the father instead of Shuyi. The father is determined immediately to stop their relationship, the first reason he gives is because he thinks it’s not long lasting, it’s fickle. He calls it a game. Of course our mindsets and Shide’s start to think he says this because he’s phobic, he’s belittling what they have, he’s refusing to take it seriously and he thinks it’s doomed to end. He doesn’t think the relationship is strong or right enough to help Shuyi, he sees it as a waste of time and an obstacle that needs to be stopped. He’s determined. This is quite contrary to what Shide and Shuyi believed about what they had, they believed especially Shide that they would have forever, because that’s how devoted he was to Shuyi which is what he tries to say.

Shide tells the father that he’s serious about what they have but also that Shuyi can leave him but  he won’t give up on Shuyi. Again this is a huge hint to one of the reasons for why Shide is lacking, or what was his first mistake, his doubt in Shuyi. In that sentence it’s him that is chasing, he believes it’s his strength and determination to make their relationship succeed because that’s how he’s always been since they were  together and  that’s what always got Shuyi’s attention. He doesn’t trust fully Shuyi’s commitment to him because he always believed for so long that it was one sided. In a way Shide views Shuyi’s feelings for him as weaker than his, it can change at anytime, it’s not as strong as his, hence the consequences of his actions is that he hurts Shuyi’s pride and feelings by  holding back the truth from him because he wasn’t confident in what they had.

A Volatile Fight For Survival and Peace 

But this is not just what the father uses as his reasons for why they shouldn’t be together. Again connected to phobic beliefs he focuses on Shuyi’s future in the company. Remember this is what Shuyi’s character outline is connected to, his duty and obligation to protect his position as the heir of his father’s company. So we find out that the father believes that the environment is harsh and inhospitable for Shuyi if he’s found out by the shareholders of the company that he’s with Shide. The father views Shide as an obstacle to Shuyi’s peace and comfort in the future. Shuyi has been told this before and also Shuyi knows he’s being watched by the shareholder, he’s under pressure by them and he mentions how much he is in this season.

Shuyi’s initial reaction is also always focused on control and protection of the position he has, because he was constantly told he had to be more stronger and better to be in a great position where he was safe, his father made him active, agile and more but that only always broke his spirits, broke his trust in others and broke his heart because he also constantly felt like he was never enough because he was           always losing. It’s actually his father’s constant push that makes Shuyi determined to always become first because he was always told he had to be ahead to get to where his father was. His father’s shadow always covered him and led him to always distrusting and misunderstanding people’s actions, he always felt babied, and without freedom to actually do what he wants until he fell for Shide. This is why he states to Shide I didn’t want to fall for a guy after he confesses to him. Not because he didn’t know what he was or he was in denial but because of the exact reasons that his father gave to Shide, because of the pressure of taking over and being watched by people and the shareholders, of being used as a weapon to take him down in the homophobic society he was in. Shuyi saw competition even in season 1, it was always his focus because his life has always been about that, Shide saw wanting attention and notice to ensure that he was never seen in his protector role as weak or vulnerable  to get what he wanted, to make a name for himself, and to be something more.

. It’s the reason for why Shuyi has to fire half of the company because it makes the Shareholders trust that he’s in control and isn’t weak. The father also mentions how it’s family that are also enemies to them, because they’re also looking for reasons to see Shuyi’s downfall. (hence why Shuyi is so distrustful of people because his own family also wants to see him fail).  This is when we start to see the intentions of the father’s actions, yes he has a phobic mindset but the focus is on Shuyi’s protection, the focus is on making sure Shuyi is safe. The father believes that the shareholders all are phobic hence showing the environment that he was raised in but also his mindset that has been framed by ignorance, tradition and society. The father doesn’t want Shuyi to struggle with the company because he won’t be able to manage the shareholders’ power if they do have something to say since they also affect the stocks and how the company runs. In a way his business is also in jeopardy in his head, he wants to have an heir to his company to secure the safety of it but Shide might be an obstacle to that because of how society and the environment they are in is.

What’s ironic is that Shide is remarkably similar to the father when he mentions his past in terms of struggling and trying to make it to be something. The father talks about how he started from scratch to make this company hence he knows the struggles, the chaos, the vicious environment surrounding them, which is why he constantly wanted Shuyi to be strong, to be seen as successful, to be seen as in control, because he knows what Shuyi will have to go through  with that role. He doesn’t want  Shuyi to struggle with the same stuff, it’s ironic because Shide is actually in the father’s position when he was younger, where he is struggling with responsibility, and work and making a company stay safe and being someone in society. That’s why it’s sad but also funny that both Shide and the father in their acts of always wanting to protect and keep Shuyi safe they actually just hurt him and they make him feel insecure and less than because of what they do to him. But again it’s understandable why they are so determined to protect what they love because its what they love, Shuyi is precious to them both, and they don’t mean to make him feel the way they do, to hurt him, or to push him away. The father is not meant to be seen as the villain of the show; it’s society that is the villain of WBL, how society acts, how they pressure people to think, how they control our ways we view ourselves and our freedom, that’s why the father is shown slowly to be just jokey, funny and  sweet in his own way to Shuyi, he’s not cold he’s warm despite being such a suffocating shadow over Shuyi. So that’s a very important thing to notice about the show with what they want to show with the father. It’s society that’s making him act the way he’s acting.

The Distance Of Two Different Worlds Apart

The father also mentions another reason for why he thinks Shide and Shuyi are unfit. He claims they are from different worlds. This is so eye opening because again Shide has the same ideas in his head about the struggles that they face (it causes his insecurity of why Shuyi’s feelings may be weaker). Being from different worlds is why Shide is determined to be number one. When Shuyi’s father mentions that they are from different worlds it puts a perspective again on understanding why Shide feels insecure about what he is to Shuyi but also why he’s so determined to by himself make sure that what they have is safe and okay. It’s why he’s so focused on protection. Because there is a slight insecurity about what he lacks in terms of economic status, reputation in general, and position. He’s always been trying so hard to make it and that’s another thing he focuses on for the 5 years they are separated; to keep trying to make it to become someone in Shuyi’s world. In order to be with Shuyi he has to ensure that he can be in a place of protection, safety, security and ease which he feels he can’t provide by just being himself.  It’s so important because it’s this insecurity plus other things that will be mentioned later that makes him give into the father, seek the father’s approval, and proceed to sacrifice what he wants, for Shuyi’s happiness. He always hoped that even after 5 years even if there has been a distance he’d be able to be stronger to get back to Shuyi. Because he was never going to give up.

The Problem With Insecurity, Doubt, and Fear

1. Insecure about their relationship;

As mentioned Shide is insecure about what he is to Shuyi, he has been in an 8 year unrequited love for Shuyi and he still struggled to believe and trust that what they had was strong enough to withstand anything.

This is sorted in his head because he always believes that his determination will win over Shuyi. As long as he can fight for Shuyi and as long as he doesn’t fail chasing after Shuyi he will be successful in ensuring he makes Shuyi want him. This is why he automatically thinks in season 2 the reason why Shuyi is angered is because he disappeared for 5 years, he failed at his determination to make sure Shuyi’s attention was always on him, because he thought it could be stolen if he was weak. The father tells Shide that if Shuyi has a girlfriend after 5 years then he needs to give up. As long as he doesn’t have someone by that 5 years then there’s hope. But also if he does have someone and is happy then Shide who is self-sacrificial will be willing to sacrifice his own happiness for Shuyi’s happiness. Even in season 1, he’s always been self-sacrificial because he didn’t even want to win over Shuyi whenever he had a chance to, he was only trying to get a friend, instead of doing what he wants and trying to elevate their relationship. He always chose whatever Shuyi wanted over himself as we saw in season 1 when the truth came out in the hospital and Shuyi said he didn’t want to fall for a guy. Even the reason for why he chooses to give into the father’s demands even though he knows it’s a trap and has no chance of escaping, is because of Shuyi. He says it’s to protect how Shuyi views his father, and their relationship (and that hurts because he understands the value of the relationship between father and sons because he lost his father, so he wouldn’t want to put Shuyi in that position when he knows how it affected him)

2. Insecure about himself

Shide although he tries to have a mask of being in control and being strong all the time. Although his goal is to always ensure he’s number one to everyone and Shuyi, there are parts of him that does not see that in himself. It is because he does not think he can be loved/helpful by just being himself, being vulnerable or being weak that he takes on everything and works hard constantly to make sure he is ahead always. Especially for Shuyi in Season 1, the reason why he thought Shuyi wanted him was because he was number one and he got his attention by always defeating him.

This is treated in his head by becoming something or someone just the like the father requested so they end up in  the same status. Because he’s determined to be someone to his family and protect them he takes on the responsibility of taking care of the company but he also does so because the father gave him an ultimatum to get a career and be someone to be with Shuyi.

3. Insecure about society and how they are treated

Shuyi being the heir of his father’s company also makes Shide become insecure about what to do to protect them. Again Shide wants to be viewed as a helpful addition not a burden, someone who protects not destroys, he didn’t want to be the reason why Shuyi ends up losing the relationship with his father, and his position as the heir.

 This in his head is removed by staying away for 5 years to ensure that Shuyi  has enough time to focus and get the company, become CEO and defeat the shareholders. Once Shuyi passes the test of the shareholders and takes over, they wouldn’t be as big of a threat. This is what both Shide and the father believe.

Society: Mindsets, Environments, and Prejudice

The father’s focus on wanting children is also stated when he later goes to the bar with Shide. Again him being phobic is problematic but it makes sense that he is, he’s ignorant and again warped by the ideas in the environment he’s in. His phobia isn’t from nature it’s caused by nurture, it’s caused by what he’s been shown, told, since he was young. His automatic mindset for success and stability is for the typical path that society wants ‘men’ to follow in his time to become; to be masculine and strong, ( hence why he forced Shuyi to do a lot of athletic activities which ended up breaking and hurting him in different ways),  to make a legacy happen, to have a wife and kids, it’s all old-fashioned ideas because he is old-fashioned because he wasn’t taught better. Again he’s not the actual villain of the show. Society is.

 The cheating misunderstanding is what causes the catalyst that makes the dad try to break them up. He tried to listen and accept Shuyi’s threats of leaving but then when Shuyi showed back up after America he was furious. Because he already had an idea formed in his head about how fickle their relationship would be  because of phobia, and now it was being shown to him because the way Shide is perceived to cheat is to choose the right path that he wanted for Shuyi. (a wife and kid).  Not only did Shide cheat but Shuyi cried about like being ghosted for 6 months, because Shide wasn’t texting. The most important thing to discover about the father and understand his character outline is that although his flaw is having closeminded ideas based on society and environment, his actual focus is protection of Shuyi’s happiness, the reason he really wanted them to separate, the reason why he formed that trap was because he thought Shide was not serious and that Shide was harmful for Shuyi because of the cheating scandal, because he made Shuyi cry so much, because he hurt Shuyi, because he essentially was mocking Shuyi’s devotion and heart by cheating in America. It’s also about the  pride of Shuyi being protected. Again just like Shide the father’s prime goal is protection of Shuyi.

So now knowing Shide’s mindset and why he did what he did, we can revisit the couch scene in episode 2 and discuss more about how the show shows him dealing with the consequences of his actions.

The Consequences of Actions and Mistakes

Ahh the couch scene, I’ve been thinking about it. I know people want me to break down why it was wrong they had the romantic music playing when they slept together, what message it showed, I know people want me to talk about how uncomfortable we all felt in that scene (you were meant to feel that way), I know people want to talk about the trigger warnings in that scene but there are so many other comments about why non consent/ dubious consent is an issue that should be taken seriously when being shown in BL. You can find them in the tags.

I’m going to focus on the writing of the show and analyse why the scene happened the way it did. This is not me defending non consent, this is just me laying out what the writers wanted to achieve with the scene. You weren’t meant to find it healthy, you weren’t meant to want a relationship like that, you weren’t meant to praise the actions of both characters, because Shide and Shuyi are problematic as of this time because of the situation they are in. So from this show we can finally can say that Shide and Shuyi did sleep together, how do we feel about that, probably not great right? I feel like, I didn’t think they would sleep together because I was holding out for hope that Shuyi would punch Shide. So yeh it was an interesting thing to see not fully discussed or explained in the new episode. However these two’s relationship are in the stage of miscommunication and misunderstandings (which can lead to toxicity and escalations)  mixed with the longing, pining and passionate love they’ve both been trying to hold back for each other for 5 years. The theme for these two has always been about control as from my previous analysis and the couch scene no matter how morally wrong or right it was, was always going to happen because we finally see both of them  break down and lose that control they’ve been trying to have on each other, and of course before that happens it’s done with a fight, with breakdowns, with confusions, with questions.  

The loss of control of the heart

Shuyi loses control over his heart because he can see Shide in his most broken state. Remember this isn’t like Shide.  Shide is normally calm, in control, always trying to salvage the situation, Shide has never cried in front of Shuyi apart from their first confession and even after all that he’s always come out looking better and in control of everything because it’s like him to do so.Shuyi was frightened; one because of trying hard to keep himself from giving into his wants and longing for Shide that he’s been trying so hard to not lose to, he was frightened because Shide was being aggressive and he wasn’t sure if he was messing around with him or not, he was also frightened lastly for Shide. Because Shide was screaming like someone who was drowning on the inside, someone close to just giving up on everything, someone who was so broken and desperate to have something to hold on. Shuyi was frightened for Shide because he realised that there was something more to what happened, he also realised that Shide was not willing to let him know, he saw Shide grapple with confusion and wanting to say it, and he couldn’t understand but he was worried and understood that Shide wasn’t happy, wasn’t a victor in their breakup like he thought. Shuyi also recognised Shide’s pain because it paralleled his at the beginning of the episode when he cried over the broken phone and his heart break. Shide was also heart broken like he was, Shide was also struggling like he was, Shide was also lost like he was. That’s why even though he tried so hard to fight it, his walls fell and he let him self be with Shide that night. That’s the first part of this equation for why Shuyi let himself sleep with Shide although he was drunk, (dubious consent,).

The loss of control of the mind

If Shuyi was fighting losing control over his heart, Shide was losing control of his mind. As much as it pains me to say, Shide wasn’t in the right state of mind, this was a Shide who was being the worst version of himself because he was exploding, he was losing control, he was confused, he was also very angry at the mess he and Shuyi were in, he was lost because all his efforts, (which is pointing to the title of episode 3; Self Righteous Efforts Are Wasted).  His energy, his work, his heart was wasted because of situations he couldn’t control. Shide was so affected because he realised just like Shuyi also realised seeing him drunk, that what he did to Shuyi was so much more worse than he thought, he was doing everything he could to protect Shuyi, to prove himself to Shuyi’s father, to let them have a happy forever later on, he was doing all he could to stay with the one thing that was his ultimate priority and happiness, he was doing everything he could to protect that and he found it so unfair that he couldn’t even let Shuyi know about that, he probably also hated life its self, because there was so much he had to struggle with those 5 years without Shuyi that he couldn’t control.

He couldn’t control the situation in America in his head (why he didn’t text Shuyi is his own fault but it’s a flaw of Shide to always hold back his truth so he’s suffering consequence of his actions), he couldn’t control in his head Shuyi’s father’s requests because Shuyi’s future was more important, Shuyi’s relationship with his father was more important, Shuyi’s peace and calm was more important (what he failed to see was that he was also Shuyi’s priority, happiness, future, peace and calm so again because he had self-doubt about how important he was to Shuyi he put himself in a situation where again he held back the truth which again is his flaw). Basically Shide was exhausted, and hurt because to him it was so unfair it was like all his efforts for the past 13 years when he finally got hope with Shuyi fell down the drain, because Shuyi no longer saw him as someone even worth being real to. Like Shuyi really was going to go so far in his heartbreak and hurt to also break Shide even more, Shuyi must have hated him so much to want to use him and toss him after. Shuyi’s care for him had ended. And all Shide could do was blame him self, wrap himself up in self-hate, self-doubt, insecurity and anguish as he drank with Shouyi.

Even when drunk he tried to be in control he wanted to go home, that’s what he told Shouyi, he was going to choose to keep up the façade with Shuyi and let Shuyi have his revenge or whatever with him but he couldn’t because he was no longer able to hold back because of the influence of alcohol. That’s what alcohol does, it disinhibited all his inhibitions, It made him explode with everything he was feeling, pain, suffering, longing, anger, tiredness and defeat. He was split into two people. One the Shide that was angry and upset at how Shuyi wanted to treat him, at how much everything he’d done was for nothing, but two, the Shide that had just been biding his time to be with Shuyi since 5 years, the Shide that ever since they reunited had just wanted to hold and go back to how they used to be with Shuyi hence the kissing, hence the skinship, hence the breakdowns and tests and everything that happened. That Shide was not meant to be liked, that Shide was the most vulnerable form of Shide that he was trying to hide so much.

The Problem With Gao Shide

Shide’s actions is not right but it is understandable (I mean he’s dumb and stupid for always reverting to holding back the truth and himself, and emotions from people it’s his downfall, but it’s always been his character, it’s loyal to how his character was written).  He’s always been invasive, always been secretive, always shoulders all the burden on himself so of course he does the noble idiocy trope with Shuyi’s father, of course he doesn’t tell Shuyi when he’s suffering in America, of course he doesn’t; for Shide his problems are his problems and he doesn’t want to be burden to people, he always wants to be seen as number one, now this can be anything, seen as a success to people ( wanted by people), proper and responsible for others (so they feel safe and protected with him) to be seen as strong and happy (so the people he cares about feel happy and loved). Because he lost someone that was like that to him (his father) and so he felt like he had to replace his role since a young age, he had to be that person for his mother, he had to fill up that space and do things right, and make sure he’s not a burden, he’s not weak, he doesn’t fail. Because of this he never wants to show when he’s struggling, to anyone,  even Shuyi.

It’s a flaw that he formed because it was the only way for him to stand up and take the role that kept the people he loved safe in his head. But the thing with character flaws is that they have to go through a development, so Shide has to suffer the consequences of his flaws, hence why season 2 is the way it is because it’s unveiling how he is and what he does to himself constantly, how he hurts himself because of his flaw and how he also hurts others. Again Shide and Shuyi are flawed characters since season 1, but season 2 is when we finally see them mature and have to grow from all of that just like people have to also grow and learn about their flaws and compromise when they get in a relationship. Remember the goal is pure covenant love at the end (they don’t have that yet) which is at the end of it all unconditional love. These two need to be able to learn and work through both flaws and communicate and show each other the truth, it’s only when we finally let ourselves be vulnerable with the one we love, that’s when you get that healthy, relationship, you get that healing, you get that pure love. So give them time; the truth is slowly being unveiled, this couch scene, episode 2, is the worst versions of both Shuyi and Shide. Shuyi because he’s vengeful and cruel and obsessed with wanting control and Shide because he’s Shide and he finally enters a state where he can’t do that no more, alcohol had to be the thing to finally make him stop hiding and doing everything on his own. That’s why the couch scene happened, you can argue they shouldn’t have slept together (I agree with this) we could have had the punch, we could had a different outcome or a discussion shown about why it was wrong, or even add  a trigger warning to the episode. I agree but it’s not going sway me from seeing how good season 2 is with story telling and character development, and character writing. Say what you want to say about the show but this writer hasn’t changed anything about her characters. About her aims of the show, about these twos journey since season 1. She’s always left these clues, she’s always shown what these characters are like, she’s never hid their flaws and it’s not surprising that Shide does all the things he does that are harmful to himself and Shuyi but that’s the part of learning and seeing their relationship finally tackle these issues and get to the healthy place they will end up at. And I still commend the show.  

[life-rewritten]

Sana vs Yasmina; The Theme of Pride and Prejudice.

Don't wanna make this a long essay (sigh). However, it could be because this episode has a lot to unpack. Between comparing it to the OG Sana episode, which also had the same themes and ideas portrayed differently here.  Or trying to use the information already given to us by other characters. And also, remembering (which many people tend to forget), that this is all in the main character's perspective; 

Of how she sees the world,

How she views and interprets people's ideas and actions towards her Based on her preconceived notions about society

And based on her insecurities and worries about her identity.

 Because skam is always being shown through the POV of the main character, the audience is also always being misled. That, or given the same hints, clues and ideas about how the main character thinks and not really the other people's perspective until someone tells them they're wrong. People keep forgetting that Skam, that this show is based  means Shame. It's about flawed characters with shame. And what is that shame?  Basically, insecurities that are exaggerated during their storyline that pulls out themes that are very sensitive and relatable and bring up discussion and debates. People get so triggered and blame the show constantly on what it's trying to say, when really it's the main character's consistent perspective on a situation that makes certain characters be portrayed at first generically. Or stereotypical or offensive because that's what the character's mindset thinks about those characters. In Yasmina's season, her skam is her insecurities with dissociation between two worlds/lifestyles; this is the same for Sana, with religion, tradition, and beliefs, vs her relationships, her idea of fun, and the society around her and their own ways. 

Sana and Yasmina have the same perspectives (but act differently on how they deal with it), struggle with knowing who they are, what they want, and where they belong as a girl who wants the best of both worlds these two different lifestyles. And it makes her struggle. For Sana, because she was bullied severely, she had preconceived notions about everybody's actions towards her and became very defensive in her demeanour, including towards her friends and relationships. Her shame was that she couldn't be vulnerable and let herself really be free because of how she perceived; based on her experience and stereotypes, both her religion and the non-religious aspects of society. Sana had to grow open-minded and realise it's not all black and white. Yasmina is the same; she's not as defensive as Sana, who had a big flaw with this, but she's also a bit close-minded at times, only basing things/and actions on also stereotypes and insecurities about how society acts and views her. 

So it's not just her probably judging Aicha for wanting to be a little bit different with how she handles the religious aspect of her life, or her deciding about Younes's choices to not be Muslim, etc. It's also her judging her mum for her own perceived homophobic actions or her religion's perceived strict rules and laws that governs her life. Just because she sees it as this does not mean that's what's actually true. And that's what this episode is trying to bring out. 

In Sana's episode, when Yousef kisses Noora, many things escalate with the same themes; Yasmina confronts this episode with her own prejudice and pride. For example, Sana deals with ideas about Islam being connected to homophobia by society trying to judge her brother for getting into a fight with Isak. The blood on her hands from both symbolised her struggle of who she wanted to believe. In the end, she also started to listen to people and think her brother started the fight because he was homophobic when it was actually a misunderstanding. Two, she also overhears about her friendship group plans, excluding her on purpose because people have it out for her because they're Islamaphobic and dislike her defensive manner towards things, and her bossy nature. They planned to kick her out and say awful things about her, her brother and her lifestyle that already proved/triggered her own prejudiced notions about how society views her.  And lastly, she also has the guy she loves, who she has been avoiding because of her own prejudices, and struggle with tradition, kiss the one girl she has insecurities about when it comes to ideas about relationships. For Sana, Nora in Skam was seen as the ideal popular, beautiful girl. She was non-religious and so less conservative than Sana, and two because she was seen as the beauty standard (even Vilde struggles to deal with this in the past seasons) for all girls. Sana had insecurities about not being attractive or wanted for who she was by people.

So we have all of these themes to do with Sana's ideas and beliefs about how certain parts of both worlds she's torn between do things, and it all adds up to an explosion in that episode. For Yasmina, it's the opposite. In every scene of this episode, they also dealt with these themes. But instead of a big explosion, it all happened below the surface.  Rather than exploding at the same time/event all at once. We see her in this episode, in three plotlines; 

One is her fight with her self wanting to be with Younes and wanting to stay with her religious traditions. 

 Two is dealing with being excluded by her friendship group because of how people perceive her lifestyle and wanting to fight for it, vs wanting to just let it go. 

And three is confronting her mum and her issue with her friends, and certain aspects of their lifestyles as showcased by Robbe and Sander's important cameo (there's a reason why it had to be them, yes it was about homophobia but a prejudiced view on homophobia, it's a misunderstanding and they're allowed to want to tackle this topic about this prejudice) 

I'm going to try and break it down even further and connect it back to why this is just a better adaptation of skam; Sana's season. What changes have truly improved these themes and conversations but also why it's connected to Yasmina's skam/flaw in her season and how she confronts her issues with pride and prejudice, just like with her shadow character in the book the season uses, Elisabeth Bennet. 

Preconceived Notions about Family and Tradition

One, it's important to note one of the most serious changes this show has brought is deciding to reduce the importance of Robbe in Yasmina's season. Especially since Sana's relationship with Isak is what catalyses even more actions and growth to do with her skam and her season's conclusion. But it's important to note when they decide to include Robbe in Yasmina's perspective and narrative of her story. And that is this shopping scene which was done intentionally. They did invite Robbe and Sander to pick at and poke at Yasmina's insecurity about her own ideas, her own beliefs (also due to her conversations with Younes towards this too), and her own frustrations with her opinion on the rules and traditions her religion has.

 For some reason, because Yasmina is torn between two worlds, both worlds end up being seen very stereotypically. Also, both hurt her and make her feel excluded like she's not meant to be part of it. One because she has certain features of both worlds that make her identity and her beliefs, and the other because the other side of them makes her feel ashamed and insecure about her lack of connection towards them. One example of doing with this that has always been a fear of Sana's and growth for her is how she perceives Islam and Homophobia,  a big stereotypical issue that most religious teens have to deal with and question. It's all based on old traditional beliefs, ideas and more, and this causes a stigma and stereotype that all Muslims have an issue with this topic. 

Yasmina, like Sana, has to learn in Robbe/Isak season how sometimes it can make the community feel hurt and alienated, and she has to apologise when she realises what her actions have done. In her season, this still stays with them in their head, including the fact that their love life is also connected to this topic again. So Yasmina has, unfortunately (and she's allowed to be flawed in her thinking since she's growing and young and learning), also taken in some of these ideas, like Sana does when she thinks Elias could be homophobic in her season. She completely refuses to communicate and trust his point of view initially, and she has to apologise for it later. This is the same with Yasmina. Because it's in her point of view, specific actions of others are exaggerated or focused on more than they should; they are misinterpreted; this is not the show doing another stereotypical portrayal of Homophobic Muslims. No, it's showing what Yasmina's flawed mindset and insecurity is about this topic, she instantly thinks her mum is acting that way. And she misinterprets her mum's actions, bear in mind she's not the only one, just like Isak also caused an issue in Sana's season that caused the fight, Robbe misunderstands her mum too. 

Her mum is not having a problem with their relationship; she's having an issue with them because it's already been stated that Yasmina feels pressure about her mum's dislike of her friend's because she's worried they'll pull her away from her identity. The thing is, her mum has always said this, she later repeats it after this scene to Yasmina, but of course, everyone, including Yasmina, failed to trust her on that because we're in Yasmina's perspective, the doubts have sown into our minds, and her actions scream just that. But to see people heavily misunderstand this scene again and not see that they're trying to exaggerate and focus. Yasmina's own prejudice on her mum's opinions is sad because it's precisely that. Her mum is wrong for alienating her friends but the reason why she does has been skewed and wrongly viewed like Elias in Sana's season with a stereotypical, Islamaphobic lens.

 This is how Yasmina's prejudice can sometimes make her see things and feel like she doesn't belong there. There's so much more to say about this whole issue, but this was the first similar issue/theme shown in Sana's episode that also was brought up in this episode, something Yasmina after hell week, would find out she's wrong about, her family loves her, they might be traditional, but she's allowed to have own identity and be loved for who she is and how she acts. This is also why there's more tension showcasing her disconnection from her family's actions towards her. And her own values and fears about the strictness of her religion.  Even though it doesn't have to be that way, it does for now in her head.

Exclusion and Alienation with Friendship

This is another one that has been stretched out differently to Sana's season, but it's the same theme and struggle. Except, Yasmina has already actually had a reason to feel all her insecurities and opinions on society views. As it's being proven by just listening to these girls in the bathroom. For her, it's frustrating because even when she tries to stand up to them, she can't. They act dumb, naive and afraid of her, making it look like she's the one that's aggressive/crazy. It's so frustrating; what this does is that it pokes at her insecurities about her other lifestyle. It disconnects her from the feeling of confidence for the friends she makes or allows. Maybe her mum is right. She's too different; the worlds are too diverse. Thus, this is poking at her;  the reason she's being excluded is her strong convictions with her religion. Like with Sana (though Sana was more aggressive and defensive about it), everyone makes assumptions that she can't go, that she's not free to be with her friends, that her religion holds her back. They have so many stereotypical Islamaphobic ideas towards her (reasons for why Sana was bullied when she was young.) 

Yasmina is slowly dealing with this because once anxiety and negative thoughts trickle in, there's no point in stopping. Even though Luca is by her side and is protective of her, Yasmina's insecurities and pride are starting to combat what she believes on the surface vs what society makes her think she should feel. This is where the struggle with pride comes in with Sana and her, except Yasmina does it by holding it in and not discussing properly with Luca why she's not going, what she heard, what they did. It's again because Sana's friends did not have this information. They also kept on being part of the exclusion and alienation of her from the event, and that's precisely what's going to happen, probably with Yasmina.

 Sana had so many years of defending herself and protecting herself when it came to issues like this, and so every chance she got, she was judgy and refused to trust the actions of people who only meant right by her at times. However, Yasmina is only starting to deal with that anger and frustration; we know she, like Sana, also tends to snap and react defensively when she feels she's being attacked. Now with all of the things that have built up this episode, any actions of Luca, Kato or even Amber will seem prejudiced or will seem like they're making fun of her too, she'll be defensive, she'll hurt them with words without meaning to, and she'll explode. And this is what happens when you use pride and ego to try and avoid the circumstance of feeling like you don't have anything to offer to people to make them stay. And this is literally what Yasmina's head is starting to say to her. She doesn't belong in both worlds; she has parts of her identity in. She has betrayed her own self because it doesn't have its own place of belonging in society. What should she do? And we know how Sana reacts to this; the question is, how will Yasmina deal with her skam and insecurities. Her feelings of loneliness and depression. 

The Ill Fated Struggles of Romance 

Yousef; our soulmate for Sana, the one guy who for some reason makes her feel like her insecurities are lies. He accepts her for who she is, and he's constantly showing her that. Younes is the same; he's been a protector, someone to talk to and discuss her issues with, someone who makes her feel safe and ticks all her boxes even though he's not ticking them. Yasmina, like Sana, makes a decision after constantly being in her head to show him she's serious; she chooses to finally go to him. This is actually more than what Sana does in her season. Yasmina was going to let everything go and run to her safe place, which has become him in a way. He reminds her that she's okay being herself and that she has someone who sees her and gets her. However, it's ironic; this is one of the best changes, in my opinion, a Sana season has ever done. Because it really starts to flesh out this skam of Yasmina, which she confronts with pride and prejudice. Making another Muslim girl the Noora of the season makes that conversation about religion, identity, and insecurity even more prominent. 

Aicha is the symbolism of someone who also has both worlds that Yasmina feels disconnected from; however, in Yasmina's perspective, Aicha is the one who's meant to take her place because she's connected to religion similar to the way Younes is.She's strongly not following the traditions and ideas bestowed on her, but also, she's the only connection of a Muslim friend/lifestyle that Yasmina has as well. It's heartbreaking because Aicha makes Yasmina question things, whether she is also prejudiced towards people who do things differently for their own idea of identity and freedom.  Whether she's meant to also switch her identity and give up on her own beliefs and convictions. Since that's what society wants that in her head. To get the best of both worlds. Or whether she's not meant to believe (like Sana also feared) that someone would want her for her true self. 

Again Yousef/Younes is so vital to this skam/dilemma of these two because they are the most significant symbolism of the disconnect between the two worlds. When it comes to relationships, the show shows what is seen as a classic stereotypical version of what love is meant to be for Yasmina (with her mum discussing her cooking habits, her ideas on romance/marriage and who would want her). Still, yet the show also shows the struggle with attraction and lust that comes with love. That always feels like an illogical/incorrect path (because Yasmina/Sana fears that they'll be shamed for it by the religion or forced to do things that aren't for them because society thrives on the sexuality of relationships in media/life as a norm). Again they're teenagers; this is precisely what we come to learn about relationships and love as we grow; we question so many parts of ourselves; love brings out insecurities, it also makes you free. 

Love is a perfect way to showcase this dilemma and theme in Sana/Yasmina's season. This is why Yousef/Younes are always non-religious because they represent all of the insecurities and fears of both worlds the girls are part of. And that's why Sana's season always gets me even when the issues aren't solved later on correctly; the risk to bring this conversation to girls like Yasmina and Sana who go through the same worries, ideas of self, and struggles it's really relatable, and Sana was the first person I felt so incredibly represented by as a POC religious girl. 

With Sana, she had to watch Yousef kiss Noora (which was her biggest fear/biggest insecurity and shame that she had about herself because she didn't look like her. Sana hated feeling this because she wanted to always have pride and be all about defence and protection, but it was her most significant vulnerability that she struggled with. It made her truly believe in all of the truths about stereotypical ideas about teenage/young love and society's beauty standards and norms; this now isn't always true. Still, in Sana's, this was how she viewed society at times.) Meanwhile, Yasmina sees Aicha, someone she's already judgy of, worried about, and insecure about;  be close to Younes, be chosen by Younes after she got denied by him and show intimacy in a way that she and him could never do. Mostly because she wouldn't let herself do that (which is fine if that's how she is, but it makes her insecure, filled with worries that she pushes people away for being herself/anti societal norms). 

Aicha brings up all of those insecurities that she's been trying to push down with this matter, and it hurts to see her finally break down and be tired of it all. The best thing about this; is that this is a misunderstanding, and needs like in Pride and Prejudice, communication and openmindedness. Younes doesn't know what Yasmina has seen, and we know if he did, he would prevent it, but also, this will make Yasmina go in defence mode. Of course, he wasn't true. Of course, he didn't actually like her. Of course, he wasn't meant for her. These insecurities and doubts spiral and make her grow a wall due to pride and ego defence mechanisms like Sana. All she has to do is speak to them, but her stereotypical ideas in her head, her fears and her prejudices towards them will prevent her from communicating correctly, will probably cause her to lash out. (She may even like Sana make Aicha's actions exposed to her parents, which would be awful to do, but that's Aicha's secret that has been shown again. Remember Skam has flawed characters, teenagers that make mistakes and learn from them. Wtfock tends to exaggerate skams (flawed actions)  a lot)  but also, her pride will prevent her from wanting to show she's vulnerable to him and make him see she's hurt. But again, we all know this is a misunderstanding; this is based already on ideas in Yasmina's head, just like with her mum, just like with her friends and just like with Younes. It's all to do with what she's been going through the whole season. Her biggest fear, her biggest worry, not being enough, just being herself, not belonging anywhere and not getting a happy life because of her abnormal identity. She sees herself as strange; she's not, same as Sana did. And that is her Skam, which is the theme of Sana's seasons constantly. 

Again I ask the audience to calm down every time something happens in Skam. People will make mistakes; it doesn't promote any ideas until the show is over. You have to wait to see why they've put something there. There was a reason why Robbe had to think he was facing homophobia again in a season to do with that narrative. There's a reason why Aicha, despite Yasmina telling her she likes Younes is touchy with him (he may be a sibling to her etc. she's just flirty and loud with her personality. It's not wrong or right if she and Younes have an idea about what they are to each other). There's a reason why both Younes and Aicha showcase different parts of how people act with religion, it's relatable for some people, but also it makes Yasmina face her own stereotypical prejudices towards her own ideas about religion. The show isn't trying to be stereotypical with what they show; it's being or showing stereotypical actions because the main character has that issue; she has problems with judgement and misinterpretation because she's young and needs to learn just like we also were in this age. 

The journey to finding your identity, your beliefs, your self and trust where you belong is a long one in high school, so many people feel abnormal because of societal norms, so many people feel like they don't belong, this is not saying that Religion is wrong or right, it's just saying Yasmina in her world, in her perspective has been brought up with certain ideas, opinions, and as she grows she learns which is suitable to her, and which is wrong, she learns to stand up for her self, and realise she's okay being who she is, she'll be loved by the people around her, and just like everybody else around her, she can find love, she can be fun, she can still love God and religion, she can be herself and have her own version of happiness, and that's what life is. 

That's what Skam tries to show every teen and person who feels ashamed for what they are, or what they believe, it's important, this whole idea of immediately judging a scene without waiting to understand why that scene is essential (which can only be done after the show has ended) is very frustrating, especially when the show can be lifechanging for so many people who relate to it and find strength and belonging to it. All I'm saying is chill, wait, stop overreacting and let the show tell its story first. Because for so far, wtfock is making a fantastic Sana adaptation that has been given effort, energy and thought. Please, let's calm down and see it unfold, okay?

[life-rewritten]

Color Rush ; Power Plays and Forced Mindsets (Ep 1-4)

You all know when a show takes you by surprise, you're expecting the same repetition of storylines, the same tropes, the same settings over and over again and then one show stands out; it isn't what you expected. How on earth did you find such a gem. When Korea focused on bringing out new BLs, I was astounded, because that's what we've been secretly hoping for with the talent for production, directing and storytelling even if in a low budget, Korea is the one to beat. And if they start to take BLs stories more seriously, then we were in for a treat. There were phenomenal beginnings and exciting plots, and it felt right except there was also the little minutes and the need for the ambitious plotlines chosen to be concluded correctly, but because of short screen time, the stories ended unsatisfactorily at times. But it didn't matter because as long as we keep getting new Bls from Korea, everything will be fine, one day we'll get to a show that is above all the rest. Is it too early for me to then say that Color Rush is that show we've been waiting for?

An Introduction to Color Rush

Even though it's 15 minutes air time each episode, Color Rush manages to astound and confound us each episode. It's like being on a roller coaster, the thrill, the excitement, the euphoria and the joy that such a plotline was introduced. Color Rush sounds so weird at first; it's soulmate au trope, in a world where some people can't see color and end up finding someone who makes them do so with severe side effects. Like what? Who knew we were also falling into a story with psychological implications mirroring the issues with addiction and obsession, societal issues with prejudice reflecting LGBTQ struggles and minorities, and a terrifying, thrilling and yet sweet romance that seems never to know which spectrum it's on; if it's just a cute fluffy soulmate, au or a more psychological scarier look into obsession and power plays. It's phenomenal, and it takes me on a ride every single episode when it's over, I wonder what on earth did I just watch and why do I want more.

Why do I want these two to get together despite being frightened because of what their relationship entails, why do I feel emotionally torn about the positive and benefits these two have on each other vs the adverse outcomes that could happen the more they stay together. It's a trip. And it's become my own obsession and love too. I think like Yeon Woo I'm also experiencing some kind of color rush with this show because the way I don't want it to end, and the way I'm falling for it more is just something I never thought would happen to a 15-minute episode show. Anyways we're going to be analysing the mindsets and power plays of our soulmates and the negative and positive impact their relationship brings. Could we be falling for a psychotic twisted person (Yoo Han) or could we be being lied to by the media and society on how dangerous monos are? Let's find out.

So what do we know so far in Color Rush? We have Yeon Woo a monochromatic who is neurologically color blind, because of this condition he's been forced to think he's always going to be stuck in a grey, bleak, colourless world alone. He also doesn't want to meet the person destined for him to get out of that prison in his mind, because that person will end up being in danger as monos tend to have aggressive, violent personalities when they get addicted to the color rush they feel with their probes. That person is Yeon Woo, on the other hand, he's also forced to think life is boring because he can't recognise faces, he doesn't have a long-lasting impression with people, he is looking for something to latch onto and when he notices his monos eyes change color or receive color; he gets also excited and determined to keep Yeon Woo by his side despite the pain and suffering it could bring with them being together. Yikes right? There is a weird line between these two that shouldn't be crossed, a line of addiction and passion, the more they are exposed to each other, the possession and obsession grow, and the dependency becomes like a drug killing them on the inside but providing them pleasure because of the feelings they have for each other. Let's analyse the two mindsets of these two characters first, so we get a more in-depth look into what's going on in this world of monos and probes.

Yeon Woo: Alienation and Dependence

So we have Yeon Woo, he has a mindset of a mono. He's been forced by the world to think that he's a monster because of who he is naturally. With the role of the media and society telling him monos are destined to be alone if not they will be dangerous and hurt people. He's cursed essentially and feels that he must stay alienated and alone for the sake of people's safety. He's heard and seen rumours on how dangerous monos can get when they meet their soulmate, they can kill, they can maim, they break the law irrationally, and they even become cannibals if they are forced to a mindset of obsession and addiction to the colors they need to so desperately see. Yeon Woo's world is dark; it's quite synonymous with the feelings of depression, it's heavy, it's grey, it's stagnant. The mindsets of monos are to feel this longing despair and darkness within them because they cannot see anything else, and they are being told they are meant to stay this way forever.

It's incredible how much Yeon Woo has been forced to hate himself. We find out that he's been bullied repeatedly because he's a mono, people don't like what's different, and the prejudice is against monos because the media makes everyone see them as a monster, constantly fear-mongering everyone with rumours of one incident that happened with someone who couldn't hark the addiction to color rush. The thing is monos meeting their probes is even rare, so not all monos are ever going to be stuck in a crazy obsession to see color, they just are told to prevent it as much as possible. With Bullying making Yeon Woo move schools frequently because he reacts violently to defend himself, Yeon Woo doesn't trust or have any friends that he can rely on. This must be such a lonely, depressing, heavy toll on him. But what else can he do? The one person who can help him feel some kind of happiness or difference is his probe, but he can't be with him because he'll hurt him. It's regrettable and depressing when you think about the pain he carries. Not to mention the one person who could make him feel normal, his mother, a mono has gone missing and can't be found, and he probably thinks that again it's because Monos are cursed to be forgotten and in danger. It's awful.

Yoo Han: Obsession and Possession

On the other hand, we have Yoo Han. He's the probe, so he sees color, but he actually is also very similar to Yeon Woo's plight. He has prosopagnosia, face blindness; he can't recognise people or faces. He also has to be walking through a sea of nothing and feel like he can't make connections properly with people because of it. A person with prosopagnosia may avoid social interaction by choice, so he avoids the feeling of social anxiety and just has no interest in making connections with people. He already acts like Yeon Woo, Yeon Woo also chooses to avoid people because of his condition.

This is why it's fascinating because as Yeon Woo is terrified of becoming the mono obsessed with his probe, he doesn't realise that Han is probably more obsessed with him because he can see something different on him. He repeatedly mentions that he likes seeing the different colours enter Yeon Woo's eyes, and I think that he's latched on to that. He also receives a different type of colour rush; being able to have Yeon Woo depend on him and also being able to recognise a feature on someone's face because of colour that is distinctly different each time Yeon Woo goes through a color rush. This is why I find his power-play interesting because he wants to control when Yeon Woo sees colour probably because of trying to prevent him from being addicted and obsessed, but I don't think he takes it seriously how dangerous it is to keep exposing Yeon Woo to colour so easily especially when we can all see that Yeon Woo is experiencing signs of dependency on the color rush; something he's been trying to avoid. As Yeon Woo worries about becoming this monster, he probably should keep an eye on Yoo Han who is more determined to keep him by his side and is also forming some kind of obsession and dependency on his presence.

It's meant to be the mono who's in control, who's the one that receives the most from the probe and is the one with the most power in this relationship but Yoo Han is different. He is the one who's running to his mono endlessly, ignoring the risks and choosing to make his mono get used to color rush. I don't think he's trying to make Yeon Woo go crazy on purpose, or even he knows if he's being too obsessive, but I do believe he's not fully aware of all the information or have the ability to stop the time when they cross that line, and Yeon Woo does become the thing he's afraid of becoming. Han acts like he owns Yeon Woo and wants to control his addiction and outbursts; hence he pulls away and doesn't give into Yeon Woo's demands when he gets scared of losing the color. The basis of the addiction with these two is the fear of losing what they have. This is why in episode 4 although it's romantic Yeon Woo tells Han that he wants to be with him forever, it's also frightening cause that's a sign of addiction and dependency that we know he's trying to avoid.

Being a Mono: Prejudice and Self Hate

Looking into more of the prejudice Monos receive, we can see Yeon Woo's aunt call him and try and prevent him from listening to the media, so he doesn't see himself as a monster. She knows he's always heard and believed in how the media portrayed monos. And this is why it's fascinating to me, are monos really the way people think they are or has it been imbedded into their minds to believe that what they are is wrong. See why this is a metaphor for LGBTQ and minority struggles. Whenever something is different or against societal norms, the group suffers because of growing up with the mindset that something is wrong with who they are naturally instead of actually feeling safe to be who they are and free. Monos are treated this way; they've been told that the love they have for their probes is toxic and dangerous; when really it's probably an exaggeration or can be prevented. But society has made them stop wanting to view themselves and love themselves for who they are, but instead cages them with fear every day on the news about people who aren't them. They even write lazy news reports because they just assume that all monos kill their probes and go crazy from being together. It's really an interesting question to ask. We're feeling the tension and fear Yeon Woo has, but his heart has chosen Yoo Han from the start, he knows it, but he can't help question if it's because of the color rush or because of Yoo Han. And that's where the problem lies, can love ever be good and safe with obsession and codependency?

Macbeth: Madness and Greed

Speaking of Yoo Han's mindset and tendencies. I couldn't help but notice the book that is being mentioned repeatedly in this show, Macbeth could be shadowing him as well. He wears the orange hoody the first time when the book is shown, and this is very similar to the color of the book shown in the show. Macbeth; I've mentioned before is a story about someone who is so obsessed with power that the obsessiveness leads to craziness, violence and madness. Which is similar to symptoms that monos get when they're with their probes. But I can't also help but remember episode 4 when Min Jae says a funny quote about doughnuts in relation to Macbeth. It stuck with me because it may seem like a joke about food but actually think about it. He says the twisted doughnuts become round and the round doughnuts become twisted. And I think that's something to keep in mind we've been told the monos are the issue, the monos are the ones that are twisted and dangerous, but perhaps the probes are also just as dangerous and mad. Or perhaps it's again foreshadowing that Yoo Han is the one with the obsessive dynamics in this couple.

We may be worried that Yeon Woo is the one getting obsessed and addicted to the color rush but as I've said if Yoo Han is also somehow experiencing some kind of color rush when he sees the color in Woo's eyes if he is so desperate to latch onto the idea of someone needing him he may also go into a power trip as he's already showing he is with Yeon Woo. He might want to stay in that state of control and lose his mind. And that's scary and entertaining. I think these two will end up together. They're meant to be together despite the probe mono business. They show other affections and feelings of care, love (non-obsessive), and they both find solace in each other's presence because they both are different and get each other. I'm not saying Yoo Han is going to be a dangerous criminal but we should keep an eye on him to see if there are more signs of increasing dependency and reactions to Yeon Woo not playing by his rules.

Yeon Woo and Yoo Han: Power and Control

We have a theme of control and power with these two. Yeon Woo is trying to control his situation by avoiding ever meeting his probe; he continually tries to avoid the uncontrollable longing and feelings he's starting to have for Yoo Han. Still, no matter how much logically he thinks he can, he's already wearing a jacket and moving to the door towards Yoo Han. He's uncontrollably saying what comes to his head despite trying hard to prevent them from interacting more. People mentioned that he wasn't making sense when he says he wants to avoid people, but he's eating snacks from Yoo Han and Min Jae, and he's going into the lab with Yoo Han. But what he says is just because it's automatic to him to want to say that, he's been forced in a mindset that he shouldn't be with people, so even though deep down he wants the friends, and Yoo Han, he struggles with it yet automatically gives in and does the opposite. For me, that signifies how much control he's losing of himself when it comes to Yoo Han, again the problem is the lack of control monos have when they get addicted to the color rush. Usually with love having lack of control and your walls being broken down, and you are automatically saying how you feel is meant to be a strength to the romance, for color rush, however,  signs of that just mean more worries for Yeon Woo, how long and how much more exposure can he take before he entirely crosses that line and becomes uncontrollable.

We're starting to see even more worrying effects, loss of memory. Maybe Mono's truly lose the control of themselves, their minds and more without meaning to go into a state of mania which by the end they don't recall what happened. Maybe it's in this state that they become the most dangerous. We see Yeon Woo lose his memories of how he cried and screamed to hold onto the colors of his mum in his mind, and that's again a hint that he's entering that cycle that he's trying to avoid. So we also have to keep an eye on that. If Monos are losing consciousness and having no control over their actions when they go too far, then it means it's starting to become even more dangerous for our couple as they interact.

The lack of control and power over themselves, the world and their love lives is heartbreaking and painful when you look at it. Monos have been stuck in this cycle for so long but then why are some monos able to avoid that. I'm certain Yeon Woo's mum and dad did not go through that issue, yes his dad died, but we don't really yet know the basis of his death, and I think if his mum had been involved then, Yeon Woo wouldn't think of her that fondly, so again it brings me to ask if we are all just agreeing with societal opinions on what monos are and if there is a way for them to get out of this powerless and uncontrollable situation. Can Yoo Han and Yeon Woo find a way before the dependency and blackouts increase and cause more suffering? Maybe, Yeon Woo is getting accustomed slowly to Yoo Han's color rush and they know how to reduce the fainting symptoms from too much exposure. Yoo Han may be able to do what he wants to do which is to help Yeon Woo find the control he's so desperately searching for over this condition.

We have two people who felt forced to be seen as abnormal and lonely in the world. Now they've found each other, they could be each other's companion and saving grace, who gives them more meaning to this bleak life they think they have, this happiness they feel, and yet we are also torn because they could also be each other's downfall and lead each other to a spiral of madness and guilt. It's so exciting to see where this story unfolds and what it would bring. There's still so much to analyse and look into, there's the kidnapping mystery of the mother, and with that Macbeth doughnut quote, I'm forced to believe that it might be a probe which is the actual culprit that has taken these six monos, especially for revenge or also an obsession of their relationship with their mono. The aunt is also foreshadowed to get soon hurt, and I wonder how Yeon Woo will deal with that, someone is threatening her to stop looking to the case, and she probably will find the answer before she is sadly eliminated. And we need to know more about Yoo Han, his family, background and how he knows so much about color rush and more. Is there more to his actions than just the desperate need to find someone to be by his side that he recognises or is he on his own journey to lack of control and power and madness because of his need to be with Yeon Woo. Let's find out together.

[life-rewritten]

Fish Upon the Sky Episode 1-7 (The Problems with Walls; An analysis on Duen and Pi)

I swear, if I could just settle down, stop running away and actually analyse FUTS the way I usually do. I would have so many essays by now on how authentic and deep this show can get with some of its characterisations. As I  write this FUTS essay that has constantly been plaguing me and making me frustrated that no one else is seeing these themes, I realise again sadly how this director has sadly failed to show the vision of what he wanted for the series.  An essay on how DuenMeen and MorkPi mirror each other so much with their themes, it sounds crazy to think that they do because their storylines on the surface seem different at times. Still, also their love interests act differently towards them, and they have different dynamics with them. But that's what's so great about meta and mirroring in TV, especially in shows that aren't meant to be seen as deep or purposely filled with hints and clues to break down. Fish upon the Sky is one of those shows. It struggles to find a balance between wanting to be more profound and showing exciting themes vs pleasing and appealing to the audience, using humour and other exaggerated performances/narratives to do so. However, the writer of Fish upon the sky novel has always had her works struggle with these issues and themes. Jittirain always writes emotional stories about unrequited love, with different lessons, ideas, or characterisations that people fail to understand or truly value because the meta/depth of their personalities is hidden or misunderstood by their own directors. This is what happened in  2gether; this is what also happened in Theory of Love.

A Misunderstood Duo

In order to really understand how grand the narrative the show is failing to truly flesh out is, you need to understand that Pi and Duen (the two main characters of the show) are the narrators of both their own stories. Pi's is Fish upon the sky whilst Duen is Leech upon the sky (😂😂) but what's great is that you can already see the mirroring/similarities just by their titles. Even though their insecurities and worries seem different, it's the same theme for them;  both struggle with love because they secretly have a lot of self-deprecation and hesitancy from how people have treated them. It's not as noticeable when you see Duen's characterisation/storyline, but if you truly focus on the themes of his narrative without being distracted by the loud comedic routine he has, you'd see that his biggest insecurity, that he tries to be defensive and act like he doesn't care about is his dumbness. He genuinely feels weaker/inferior because he's known as being dumb to everyone around him. He struggles to process anything that is complex and requires more depth or thought.  It's played for laughs because he relishes in the idea that people feel exasperated by his actions. He acts like he doesn't get bothered by how people perceive him because he's still seen as socially acceptable, unlike Pi, who's actually bullied and alienated from society because of his own 'flaws'.

But you can see that it's all a façade when it comes to Duen, just like with how Pi handles his own insecurities and trauma to do with his perceived flaws. It's why Duen chooses to lie to Meen that he's a dentist. He didn't want him to see him the same way others do. This already should show that he doesn't actually enjoy being seen as dumb, but he has walls up to make it seem like he doesn't care. He knows he's constantly being compared to others, but he can't change who he is (just like Pi didn't also want to change how he looked or acted to please people at first). So he jokes and tries to see a positive in being that way; he starts to want to slack off and cheat off others when it comes to work. He stops taking University seriously and repeats classes constantly because he always fails. That is until Meen shows up, and then he starts to want Meen to believe he's something more. Why?

But in case I haven't repeated it enough, Duen is like Pi, whose insecurity is easier to see since we watched him get attacked and bullied for it immediately in the first episode. It's Pi's true thoughts and opinions we see in the show as the audience, whilst Duen's story is hidden with comic relief and unseriousness. They both try to act like they're okay with what they are being judged by in society. Thus, they act confident, they're both loud, they're selfish, acting like they don't care how people see them. Preventing others from getting to hurt them by making it look like they are in control of what they have and use that to their own advantage with others.

They both stay heavily in denial about their true feelings in general, but primarily with the critical focus; the people who make them question everything about their flaws that come into their life and frighten them the most. The ones that break down those facades; make them automatically want to run away whilst being unable to stop showing and escaping their true feelings whenever they're in their presence.

The Use of Humour and Sarcasm 

So what we end up with is a narrative with two incredibly annoying and flawed characters who are seen in the audience as exaggerated caricatures for comic relief and shallow storytelling. And it's brilliant because both their unlikable/loud, selfish personalities are just fake walls built, so they don't crumble and get affected by how society views them or wants them to act. So you see, there's the issue that people keep misunderstanding about these two stories, especially about these two brothers. They're realistic; they're flawed because they've been affected by society and the environment around them. They're acting like how anyone who's been hurt before would act, they have built up walls, and they've decided to just stay by themselves and let that guide them in everything. They deal with their issues with sarcasm and humour to reduce the seriousness of the situation, so they don't appear weak or let anything hurt them.  

That's why I love this narrative of FUTS, it's meta and more profound than people think, but because the director doesn't do the best to show it, it can get lost in all the exaggerated humour. For example, with Pi, because he's socially anxious and always overthinks how people think of him (due to his past experiences of being abused and hurt by being ignorant of how people thought of him), his world is wildly exaggerated in his head. The way he narrates the story is played for laughs and is a very telling and realistic representation of how overthinking is expressed in his mind; it's overdone, loud and nonsensical at times. That's what social anxiety does; it makes you cry about one stare, one laugh, one action someone does, it makes you panic over the most minor things, and Pi does that with panic and boisterous, sarcastic humour from the start of the show.

Hence his story also has exaggerated humour because he deals with his issues with that fake jokes and sarcasm. So the show also exaggerated humour too when we are in his perspective.  This is actually similar to Duen's breaking the 4th wall narrative style of his storyline. As with Duen, whose narrator of his story mocks and laughs at his actions ironically. When really that is just literally himself fighting with his inner voice about his true feelings about Meen. He breaks the 4th wall because he's internalising his own emotions and dealing with them as a skit; the narrator is his true self ridiculing him for not accepting that he has feelings for Meen and that he's not as bright/cool as he thinks he is. So if we understand this and notice that the narrator makes fun of him constantly and jokes about his actions, you'll realise that Duen sees himself that way too; he sees himself as a joke. He doesn't see himself as suave and carefree; he actually mocks himself internally for being dumb and being gross.

Pi: The Need for Protection and Avoidance 

So already, just from breaking it down with this point of view, Duen and Pi mirror each other so well, and their narratives because of this focus on the same themes and ideas of self-discovery. Both are flawed characters with a lot of vulnerabilities and pain that they refuse to deal with properly. An id ego defence mechanism catalysed because of their past experiences and protection of their mental space. They both stay in denial, hurting who they love by refusing to let them get to see them without the walls down and more. Pi hates that he loses control with Mork and refuses to let Mork have his heart because he believes Mork is too good for someone like him secretly.  He knows he'll be the one damaged. Hence the choice to intentionally misinterpret his brother's metaphor on the vaccine analogy and view it as the complication with getting with Mork. Let me try and use this to break down his mindset with why he chose to still choose Nan even though he knows (he does know) that he wants to be with Mork romantically. Listen to the analogy his brother uses. He mentions the iatrogenic vaccine, a vaccine intended for a patient that starts helping the patient be well but actually causes more harm than good. The end result is because of the incompatibility of the vaccine and the time it takes for those results to show up in the patient and make their lives affected in a negative conclusion.

 A vaccine ironically is meant to be an antidote, something that saves people, that helps and makes them feel better. And that's what Mork says he wants to be for Pi, it's romantic, but once his brother announces a different version of a vaccine, Pi jumps with that analogy and believes that's the truth about Mork and him that makes sense to him, than seeing it positively. So with this analogy, we can break it down this way:

The Iatrogenic vaccine was too different and incompatible with the patient. Which is what Pi believes about Mork. Remember, Pi doesn't think  (because of what people have told him) that he deserves loyalty and love from people better looking/capable than him. He sees Mork in this light from the start; he views Mork as a rival because Mork is good looking, popular, strong and cool, basically things that are not associated with Pi to others.  So Mork and him are incompatible in Pi's mind.  This is why Pi constantly asks Mork why he wants to be close to him. He just doesn't understand it.  

Second, the Iatrogenic vaccine starts off good but causes damages in an irreparable way to the patient. It's the patient that ends up being affected by this vaccine interaction, not the vaccine that caused it. Before Wan starts this vaccine conversation, he discusses how people around his hospital are patients primarily because of heartbreak; they come in with damaged mindsets, broken hearts and self-harming injuries because of being hurt by love and letting themselves be vulnerable to that. All Pi hears is people hurt themselves over the pain of heartbreak and being abandoned. That's the complication if he does finally trust Mork. Especially after Mork and him get to be close, it'd be just like with everyone who has gotten to know him in the past, who stayed by his side as 'friends', once they learnt about him, what they said is that he wasn't worth being loyal to. So many people used and deserted him, and it almost broke him. This is why Pi grow the walls he has now. Even though Pi is chasing after Nan, he's not expecting an answer from Nan that's positive; Nan is a fantasy, something he can use as a goal to want to keep chasing and distracting himself from that singleness and loneliness he felt at the start of the show. This is why he's doing all of this; he just wants a distraction from the mess of his life. But to Pi, Mork? Mork is real. He's serious; he's someone who Pi actually truly will be damaged by if he's hurt and left by him; he's someone who Pi truly loves and is real to Pi, it's terrifying, and so he rather just avoid that because of the risk of a complication. To be that patient tricked by the vaccine and left to deal with those consequences all alone? Yeh, no, he can't do that.  Pi sees him as a friend and doesn’t want to end that because that's the first thing in a while that has made him feel actually happy being himself and accepted. Being friends with Mork makes him feel safe. So again, it's selfish, but it’s all about him preserving what he already has with Mork rather than damaging it.

Those complications are exactly that result if he lets Mork in romantically and Mork sees his true self and leaves like everyone; it’s not Mork who’d be hurt. It’s Pi who’d have nothing more to believe in if he lets himself be that vulnerable. Again Pi is thinking with his head when it comes to Mork; there’s a massive risk if someone takes the wrong vaccine, that person is damaged because of it. Pis journey with Mork is the same thought process that friends to lovers have. The fear of losing each other if they cross that line, of taking things too far and ruining the foundation they had that made them safe. The fear of the love being false as it always has been from others.  Pi thinks he likes Mork because how can he not? However, Mork is always there, making it hard for him to think. He associates Mork with niceness and protectiveness, but that doesn’t mean he has to accept him romantically, and Mork sees right through him and is fond of breaking down those walls he put so high up to ensure he doesn't get hurt again. Mork is the one pushing Pi further away from him the more he clings because Pi doesn’t like losing control. Same as Duen. And Mork doesn’t let him just figure it out without manipulating everything; the more he does that, the more Pi feels manipulated and tricked into wanting Mork as a partner, and that's too scary for Pi. This is why it’ll be massive when he finds out who Mork truly is on his phone as the guy from nearby faculty.

Duen: The Need for Nonchalance and Ignorance

Duen is the inversion with his storyline; he tries to look cool and better to Meen,  refusing Meen to see him when he's worried, anxious or insecure because he himself shuts off those emotions whenever Meen triggers them. He doesn't want to face the truth, that he hates being seen as dumb and not being seen as a hero to Meen. He lies to Meen because he's trying to keep him by his side without actually letting him see his true self. After all, if he does, he also may judge or leave him too (guess what same as Pi's worries with Mork. Mirroring!).  Duen tries to act unaffected just like Pi does with Mork because again, they both know once they break down and give in, there's no turning back, they will be exposed, and the' truth' about them (which they believe and see about themselves) will push the people they truly want by their sides away.

So instead, they grapple for control by faking lack of care and feelings for their partner; they refuse to apologise quickly and refuse to give in easily to them to further their relationships, increase their trust and let them in. They refuse to let go of their fake personas and fake masks and walls they've built and try hard to hold onto the facade, which hurts Meen and Mork in the end. They both push and pull and show signs of vulnerability and romance only when they're alone with no one else around (like the tent scene with MeenDuen and the after school night scene with MorkPi outside). They show worry, devotion, and they show that they want them by their side. And these are the moments when we actually get to truly see who they are without their walls, their fake personas unshed, and their niceness, their care and protectiveness over them exposed.

Wan: The Comparison and Norm

When we're first introduced to the show, Wan is mentioned almost immediately as we see Pi's struggles. Because of Wan's reputation, people choose to crowd around Pi, and it's sad, but I also think Duen also had this same issue, just a bit different. With Pi, it's about his outer appearance, his beauty standards vs society's. It's exposed to him he lacks those, but it's his intelligence similar to Wan that makes people stay by his side at first.  He also studies dentistry as Wan studied Medicine, viewed by societal standards as impressive and praiseworthy. Pi is used by people who want to both get to Wan and want to profit from his brain and abilities. Duen is the inverted version of this; he is seen as handsome and cool and aloof, a bit messy, but the reason why Meen first leaches onto him is his street smarts and survival skills with social interactions, he knows the right people, he is seen as cool by others including Pi, but he's also seen as dumb. He's failed repeatedly, unlike his brothers at trying to obtain a degree.  So he has the outer appearance but lacks the next valuable thing in society's opinion; brains and the ability to increase your status by your talents and skills. Duen lacks that; he doesn't have any specific things about himself that he can fully be proud of. He's not highly talented, he's not intelligent, and he's also not viewed by women as extremely attractive or awe-worthy. He nonchalantly takes on this persona; he chooses to block any worries about things being serious because he lacks the smarts to think of things deeply or ponder about life's questions.

He's insecure, however, about this, and you see it when he tries to join in with Wan and Pi when they discuss vaccines and love. As Pi transforms for Nan, his lie is that he's well of without other people in his life like Mork; he pretends he's okay being seen as loud, not friendly, selfish etc.  Duen's own lie to Meen is that he is a version of Wan, of what people think Wan is; intelligent, put together and reliable. Because what Duen wants from Meen all the time (he doesn't realise he already has this devotion from Meen for just being himself when he's not trying) is for Meen to want to rely on him since that's precisely what Meen keeps telling him he likes about him, or wants to learn from him; street smarts etc. Duen likes being seen as a protector, a hero, a helper etc., to Meen. And that's why he stays adamant with his lie and refuses to let Meen truly see him below the surface.

Like Pi, he also doesn't want to admit what he knows and has fought to accept, which is, he loves Meen and wants him by his side. It's the fear of losing what he has with Meen that makes him do what he does, which is the same reason Pi also keeps rejecting Mork; it's the fear of losing him. And that's the ironic thing about Pi and Duen, they're ironically trying to preserve what they love, but because of scars, insecurities and walls, they're hurting the ones they love by just refusing to be their authentic selves. It's ironic because they think being themselves is the worst option. Yet, on the surface, they act like they're fine with who they are, they're loud about being carefree of what others think of them, they're okay if these two leave them, but in reality, their worst fears are admitting that they agree with what people see in them as flaws, that they also hate themselves for that. That's heartbreaking because they fought so hard to keep loving themselves, to keep believing in their worth, but society made them genuinely think that they're wrong. And it's painful but realistic.

Again they're all similar and mirror each other. I just want people to understand that FUTS is a deep show; I know the director doesn't do the best job with what he's been trying to show, but it is deep; there is thought at times put to it in the profound moments. In the moments where both Pi and Duen aren't being fake and are their true selves, you'll notice that the jokes and humour slowly reduce whenever they are true; the narrator also reduces for Duen because he doesn't struggle as much with his feelings for Meen like he did at the first time. All the stuff that happens in the show is on purpose, even if done messily and poorly. People love to hate on the show. It has a lot of flaws, I know, but it's not the worst thing; it has deep characters that are incredibly flawed and hurt (even Mork, who we still hope will get to understand his story) it has people that act one way on the surface but hold deep scars and pains below whilst wearing a mask. The characters are unlikable because they are realistic to how people with self-sabotaging habits and deprecation act. That's why I like this show. And I'm sad I wasn't writing out more all about the meta and moments I've enjoyed so far. Anyway, I'm grateful this show has been shown this year; it definitely made me ponder my own ideas about how I view myself and if I have walls up around the people I love. I think many people do relate to Pi or Duen somehow, and it's unfortunate that the director doesn't help us feel the same way about the narrative when it's actually a great BL story to unravel and watch.

[life-rewritten]

True Beauty; Problematic Bullies and Strained Friendships

Can I just say that these two episodes of true beauty have left me again with so much anger and disappointment? I've just spent the last 30 minutes sighing and shaking my head and cursing some of these stupid, frustrating characters. Now it's not even Soojin I'm cursing surprisingly, I have a different bone to pick with her, and a different perspective, but it's everyone in that stupid school, society, just everyone who switched at the end of episode 12. Now I did see it coming, but the fact that it's the same video of Kyung being treated like an animal that is what got them to switch without any morals or understanding, or pity, is so disgusting to me. I'm left cursing all the people who were Kyung's friend, who supported her and then just left her by her self to deal with this because of pettiness and anger that she lied to them. Make it make sense. The characters in this show sometimes act like one-dimensional puppets just doing whatever is the status quo, robotically seeing someone as of less worth because of their looks, feeling cheated for no reason (like she's not even friends with some of these people) because someone 'ugly' is hiding behind makeup, like what? It doesn't add up. Anyway apart from the focus on bullying which I will be breaking down more, I'm glad to see the tag and social media is less focused on the love triangle and more understanding about Suho now, I mean why not, he's a good boyfriend, but what I actually wanted to praise was the depiction of friendship with Suho, Seyeon and Seojun, and Suho and Seojun's journey in reuniting their bond again. It made me cry a few times, and it was very heartwarming. But it's just depleting my energy, even more, when I have to contrast it with Soojin's downfall. Sigh what a depressing reveal as a villain. Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts so let's get to it.

THE PROBLEM WITH BULLYING

What I like about True Beauty is that it does these interesting foreshadows/mirroring to certain situations that the audience will soon see show up. In episode 11, Suho is broken down and haunted by the reveal of what happened to his best friend however the show fleshes out and gives us more information, and depth to Seyeon as a character and the intense friendship between the three boys. At first, I wondered where this flashback would lead us to; however, I started to notice the similarities, the foreboding trajectory of Kyung's storyline in episode 11/12 to Seyeon's own betrayal and downfall.

Seyeon's story of how he became framed by his bullies once they discovered he was famous is so startling and similar to how JK's ruin takes place. She got immensely known and was put in the spotlight, and then because of a bully and someone she calls a friend; she was also framed differently as being someone who she isn't. The same reasons why Seyeon was attacked was because he lied about who he was, he had a lot of people who loved and admired him, and his reveal betrayed them, he was set up because of coldness, callousness and manipulation. This is the same with Kyung by the end of episode 12.

Let's talk about how True Beauty shows bullying as a focus; We have different characters that are connected, affected and pushed to the brink because of bullying. We also have the bullies some surprising; some just disgusting and frustrating, but also society plays a role in this bullying as well. Let's look at the characters:

Seyeon: Framed and Misunderstood 

First of all, it's heartbreaking to know more about what happened to Seyeon in the past, and it's even painful to know his story ended. From what I'm getting from his life story, Seyeon was quiet, shy, introverted but I think he also was a bully victim. He changed his name to Seyeon when he moved and found Suho and Seojun, and because of them, he learnt to fall more in love with his passion; music. (This is so eerily similar to Kyung changing her past, also finding her own passion and happiness which is makeup). Now he felt alone all his life before this because he was getting bullied and finally he got his debut as a star, and he managed to become more confident, successful and happy.

The problem is his bullies weren't letting go (like the frustrating harpies of Park Se Mi), they decided to make his life hell, so they posted a rumour, that Seyeon wasn't who he said he was (which might be true, he changed his identity probably to run away from the past) but they also made up more about him, they framed him instead as the bullies, and they twisted his story. Because of their actions, and Seoyeon feeling like his past was brought back, when he ran to Suho to ask for help, he felt like Suho believed the news and broke down in despair by himself in anxiety, probably PTSD and depression and he took his life.

Now let's pause there for a minute because we now know how this affected Suho significantly, but this is how True Beauty emphasises the amount of pain, suffering and anxiety Kyung ends up in, in episode 12. The same heartbreak, the same fear, the same worries, and the same comments and people dragging her down because of her looks. Now with Seyeon, as much as I hate cancelling nature, and social media bullying, the reveal that he was a bully, despite it not being real, I can understand some of the reactions people would have against him because as we're seeing, bullies in Korean Culture aren't cute, they're worse than other bullies, they drive people to take their lives with the extent of physical, emotional and psychological harm they inflict on someone. People thinking Seyeon was one of those people is quite shocking and should be called out; however compare this to Kyung's own situation.

Whilst Seyeon was being attacked for a valid reason from society, Kyung was being attacked for being ugly. Like compare causing harm to people by psychologically and emotionally abusing them to not having the perfect face structure, having acne because you were born that way, like compare that to what Seyeon was being blamed for. Does that make sense? And the frustrating thing about it is Kyung has a right to hide if she wants to under makeup, it's not like people have really given her a choice to avoid taking things this way. The upsetting thing about this is it's not just a picture of Kyung's face that is causing this uproar of feeling betrayed. It's not a picture where she seems happy and safe, and her life is unbothered by these things she has to hide. But it's a video of her being treated as less than a human, a video where she is being taunted and spoken to vilely, a video where she's having trash tossed on her, and she's breaking down psychologically and emotionally. A video where she's genuinely being denounced for being born.

It's unsettling. And it's ironic because Seyeon was being attacked and talked about by righteous teens about bullying and being woke about people who do this, but really society just stands by idly and judge someone because they're ugly. Being ugly is apparently enough reason for why bullying is okay, it's enough because she apparently shouldn't be allowed to live her life how she wants, it's so sick, they'd throw pitchforks at Seyeon for being the bully of people but also turn a blind eye and join in with bullying a girl because she doesn't fit their natural standards of beauty? It's sick.  It's unsettling, and it calls out the hypocrisy of people, people who just want to see people lower than them suffer. What gives them the right to speak about Kyung this way? What makes them superior to her? Because they're pretty? Because they don't have acne? Like what is the problem? Why are they so butthurt by her hiding her face with makeup and looking good. I just don't understand it. I'm very emotional about this as you can tell, so I'm going to have to move on, I just wanted the parallel of Seyeon and Kyung's storyline to be noticed.

Kyung; Ignored and Betrayed

Let's focus on Kyung in episode 11/12. She goes through her normal anxiety and worries, and at first, she doesn't communicate her fears to Suho. But I have to say that Kyung was starting to realise that she couldn't be paralysed by her PTSD. Actually, she bravely goes to Soojin to confess about Suho which I was so proud of her for, but she also goes back to save Hyemi from her bullies despite her anxiety and worry she'll get found out. Her concern was valid, stopping Semi was going to put a target on her back, and also Hyemi betrayed her before, so she has every right to feel some kind of way towards her. However, despite that, Kyung stood up for someone else in her position again. And it's something that I love about her, and I think she'll probably find her dream job doing, later on, we've seen her do this with Gowoon and help her come of her anxiety and depression and put makeup on her to get confidence and sing in front of people.

We saw her protect Hyemi this episode; I'm sure that's what she'll do in the future is help girls like her who feel the same broken, fear, and pain at how they were born. She'll be someone who stands up and helps them regain their confidence like Selena did for her. It's really inspiring and wonderful to see her find that passion slowly and make her dreams come true in that way. Kyung helping Hyemi shows her character, and she could have been like these slimy people and try and get revenge or be annoyed at her forever, but she just walks away and lets her be and prevents her from ending up in the same state she was in, in episode 1.  The sad, painful truth is Kyung has been proven right, why she was so afraid to trust people, to tell people about who she really was, why she struggled with trusting Suho with the information, people are fickle, and they switch based on shallow things, like appearance, popularity, money etc. Kyung's friends proved to her that she was right to not trust them with it, even Soojin who was meant to be her helping hand sat there (I mean she's the person who caused it) but she sat there and watched Kyung deal with her break down. It's just so messed up.

Hyemi; Forced and Tormented

Speaking of Hyemi, Hyemi also showed the same reasons for why Kyung has been so scared and worried about everything; these bullies are so weird, they make it their life goal to keep someone as their victim under this messed up of form of slavery and ownership. Hyemi ran away after feeling guilty of what happened to Kyung, she reported Semi and her harpies and tried to restart her life. Like Kyung, however, she got caught immediately, and we see what would have happened if Kyung hadn't leaned in heavily to makeup at the start. She won't be able even to walk the streets without those bullies finding her and getting her back under their abuse. And it's so disgusting. Semi is so worrying as a person; sometimes I feel like she deserves jail for all the pain she causes to people. She takes pleasure in breaking people down because she's afraid they'd take away her spotlight? I don't really understand this type of need for power, but it's disgusting. As much as Hyemi disappointed me in episode 1, she has no choice like Kyung but to betray her friend because it's soul-crushing the type of bullying, her and Kyung go through because of these girls. She has no choice in the matter because even when she tries to do good, they find her and they make her life even more hellish, and because she's 'ugly' as people keep saying, no one helps her, like with Kyung. They sit by and watch and say she deserves it. And the one person who does help every time has also been transformed because of her own bullying situation. And it's again heartbreaking.

Soojin; Regressed and Transformed

So remember how I said that Soojin is not who I'm cursing by the end of this episode. I'm so angry and upset at her; I was also disappointed with the writing because it's basic and I detest girl hate. Soojin's character has now been ruined officially; there's no way she can come back from her actions this episode. She's become essentially like Semi, and it's painful to watch. First of all, she tried to pretend things were okay in episode 11, she did try, but her feelings and her reliance on Suho was more critical, and as much as I hate her, I can understand her desperation.

Suho is the only person who knows and can help her with her own bullying situation. She's being even more bullied harshly by her own father, she's also being psychologically, emotionally and physically tormented and she can't escape this person. It's haunting. And it's heartbreaking because she doesn't truly have friends (apart from Kyung) because she's always the one people rely on (like Suho), she's put in this state of always being the person who defends, and fights, and protects and does what's right. Her life is seen as privileged, and great, and wealthy, and she has everything even the looks that Kyung desperately suffers because of. She's always had to rely on her strength and her self and her brains, but when she's broken and exhausted and needs someone to run to; Suho was that person, and now Kyung was making Suho not be able to be that person.

Her mindset is ruined because she can't find anyone else to turn to, her father is just as influential as Suho's father and the school won't protect her from him and need her good grades to stay with the reputation they seek, no adult can defeat her father, and so she's stuck. It's so worrying, watching her run into her room and she couldn't escape him because he was pounding on the door determined to enter and hit her more. And her mother is spineless and lets it happen, so Soojin is the most broken character and the most alone out of everyone in the show. Kyung is going through a lot of trauma, and her situation is so messed up but Kyung at the end of the day has Suho, she has Seojun as well, though she doesn't know the extent, she has her family even though her mum is not the best, she has her dad, her sister etc. Soojin has no one to run to. Kyung can't do anything to help her with the situation, and Kyung is taking away the one thing that probably could help her in her opinion.

Everyone is quick to hate and judge Soojin but her character arc makes sense because at the end of the day there is really no other place to run to, to avoid regressing into self-harm (washing her hands till they bleed and crack) but to put that pain on others, to feel resentment, jealousy, anger and desperation to get rid of an obstacle. Sadly, she had to endure this torment and become a shell of her self because she's now going to take it too far and it won't be forgivable if she keeps on making Kyung feel like she shouldn't be alive. It won't be right no matter what. And we see how far she can go by her actions in episode 12. She may be the typical second lead female we wanted her not to be, but she's written well, and her trajectory makes sense. I just hope she reforms before it's too late.

So bullying is a big deal in True Beauty, it's what's really causing all our characters to spiral into the trauma and pain they are in. Suho and Seojun may not be bullied, but they're co-products of it, by losing Seyeon they also had to suffer because of what bullying does. In a world where the adults aren't truly dependable, are more distracted by the need for reputation, status and fame, and act inhumanely when it comes to the suffering of these teens, who could really help our characters? They're all going through their pain and trauma alone and being pushed to the point of seeing life as futile and empty. Everyone in true beauty is a victim of this callous society and adults. And it's unsettling.

THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT WERE STRAINED

But this post is also about friendship. One thing that also was mirrored was the importance of friendship; if the teens all join together to protect their peers, if they all show unity and love and understanding to someone, they could save a life. Friendship apart from Kyung's was really great to see. However, there was a parallel with Suho and Seojun and Kyung and Soojin. I also wanted to say the annoying implications that women friendships have to always to be this way is frustrating; women aren't always conniving and manipulative and fickle when it comes to love, it's sad to see Suho and Seojun discuss so happily and calmly about liking the same girl and in the same episode watch Kyung break down and be brutally betrayed because Soojin liked the same guy as her. Like what message are you putting out? More on the bromance of Seojun, Suho and Seyeon. I find it fascinating because for so long, I wondered why this friendship was so important, like why these three are so tied to each other. But after episode 11 to 12, it's obvious. Like I said these three had had their own volatile situations that made them feel all alone and empty even Seojun actually and finding each other was what ignited their passion for life and brought them happiness and joy. Let me explain more in each character's pov.

Suho; Neglected and Withdrawn

Suho had struggled with a father figure and resentment at the whole world, he had to become self-providing basically and had no emotional support. It's so lonely to hear him talk about how alone he was from a very young age, his father was already distant from him (neglectful probably couldn't handle the mother's death but he also was cheating, so it's a bit ironic), he had no one to live with, and he had to take care of himself alone. But also there was resentment for his father because of the paparazzi tormenting him when he was younger, he felt suffocated by the reputation, popularity and status of his father and his father wasn't there to help him with that. You could say it's because Suho pushed him away, but no it's still a duty as a father to fight to come in and spend time with your son, to ask how he's doing, to check in on him in his house like how has he never once tried to force Suho to spend time with him and communicate their differences? Sigh.

So anyway the reason why Suho needed Seyeon and Seojun is because it was the first time he had people to run to and talk to, and it ignited this passion in him to do something he loves. Music. It's actually depressing when we see his phone in episode 12, he has no contacts apart from Kyung, his father, and maybe the high school guy—like Suho had no one for a long time until he met Kyung again.  But we also see his transformation in this episode, because he's more animated, lively, happy because yes Kyung and him are in love but also because Seojun is back into his life. Seojun and him basically reunite. Despite teasing and acting gruff and emotionless with each other, (because they've been separated for a while) they finally have each other again, they're still close. They still care for each other immensely; they're each others priority. And it's so sweet to watch despite the one painful thing about Seojun having feelings for Kyung.  But even then Seojun staying over at Suho's house and them laughing, and fighting and acting up, even Kyung noticed how different Suho had become. And I don't know it just made my heart warm. So that's what friendship was for Suho, he had two people who he was devoted to, who made him want to have something in life and be trusting again of people. They cared for him and nurtured him in their own way and helped him feel not alone. So congrats to Suho and Seojun reuniting.

Seojun; Responsibility and Pressure

  And now Seojun is a fascinating character. I tend to avoid analysing him because he's always happy, has a comfortable lifestyle; good friends, a good mum, a sister who cares about so much, etc. His life apart from the angst with Seyeon is so problem-free. He doesn't need to be jealous or sad, or traumatised because he's in a suitable environment mentally and he also is a good person. But let's go back to the past before Seyeon's demise. Seojun probably also felt alone and empty. Let me explain Seojun mentions that he used to envy Suho because of his wealth, his father in his life and his reputation. This makes us realise what Seojun thought he lacked, he apparently struggled a bit with poverty and not always having everything; he also didn't have a father figure in his life. In fact, we praise how good he is as a son, but it must have been so difficult to become the responsible man of the house as we put it when he was younger, one he had to worry about his mum's health, and take care and provide for her, two, he had to take care and protect his sister hence why he's so protective, he had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders to deal with.

And I think the one time he felt free and happy at first was probably when he made music with Suho and Seyeon. Because he doesn't have to think about responsibilities, or how to help his mum and more, so that's probably what he gained from their friendship a place to just be a teen and have fun. Obviously it's revealed, Suho helped his mom when she was ill, and that was heartwarming again to find out because these three were so protective and caring for each other, so loyal and bonded, and I think it's precious to see that. Obviously, after Seyeon's downfall, Seojun was resentful, angry and frustrated and he joined his gang of new friends, and they're so sweet, and just as devoted to him, it also made him more rebellious and more prone to fights because he had anger to let out but also his mum started to get better, so he was still frustrated and depressed about the circumstances but he had somewhere else to fall on, his new friends and his taking his anger out when he could. The only thing that probably was very hurtful more than just Seyeon was choosing to give on his dreams for music. However now he and Suho have reunited I think his music will come back, that passion is between him and Suho, and it's their dream.

Seyeon; Alone and Afraid

And well from my analysis you know what these two meant to Seoyeon, his letter is so heartbreaking and also beautiful because like they were all he had. And they just helped him find that confidence, that passion for life and companionship that he needed. And it's so sad he's not still with them. However Seyeon was truly a victim, and because of his influence on both Suho and Seojun, it's why they'd be able to help Kyung deal with everything she has to deal with in the next episodes. Because of Seoyeon, and also because his sister is the same as Kyung, Seojun is very protective and determined to prevent more losses in his life. Suho was at the rooftop and helped Kyung, stayed by her side and understood her when she had no one else making her feel loved for who she was because of Seyeon's effect on him. He also was determined not to have someone else end up in that situation. Because of this, they both will be able to help her get through it, and that's why I'm not as frightened or worried about her because she has these two great guys who won't stand back and let her do this on her own.

As much as true beauty is about a love triangle  between these three, it's also a really touching friendship between all of them. Kyung becomes like the weird replacement (not really) for Seyoeon because she brings back that passion and zeal into these two's lives, and she provides a companionship to them that is different from others, they also do the same for her. So I'm delighted despite the heartbreaks and loss that they found each other, I'm glad they're friends at the end of the day, they care about each other a lot, and even if Seojun somehow ends up the third wheel and the one that's left out a bit, I'm glad that his friendship with Kyung and Suho is still more important to him than vindictiveness or jealousy. Then again, like I said Seojun compared to Soojin is in a different headspace, environment and has more from life than she does. Her mistakes and her betrayal hurts, but it makes sense, I just hope she grows and changes before it's too late. I hope she finds love, peace and happiness someday. Everyone deserves that.

[life-rewritten]

OMG!! I just found your blog through a WBL fan sharing your post about WBL on Instagram, and I am SOOOOO happy to see that you noticed and appreciate the tutor and fighter couple from Why R U series too. If possible, please write an analysis about this couple, about any specific aspect you deem as most important or just generally, whatever you are okay with. I love reading your analysis and the insights it gives me, and I just finished binge reading all of your writings on my favorite bl (1)

Hi wow mindblown by this comment Thank you so much for letting me know that my stuff is being shared I really appreciate that and I am so grateful that you took time of your day to come speak to me. I adore Fighter and Tutor, like they’re my favourite couple ever. What happened when why r u was airing was I wasn’t yet analysing BLs at that time otherwise I would have been writing essays and essays about them. Because it’s been so long since I went back to watch them I’m going to let you see some of my drafts on how I would have broken their relationship into pieces and analysed. Because they are incredible and I really always feel sad when people see them as just like a se*ual couple when there’s more to them than that.  So I will let you see the first drafts and my ideas on them through this  ask and I hope that's okay for now. Maybe after my other shows I will like go back and rewatch them and start analysing more about them. If I do I’d probably do a youtube video about them because they’re so good. 

Here’s some of the analysis for them that I wrote: 

The theme for these two is  the struggle with internalised homophobia and self-acceptance. They both had this obstacle in themselves as they fell for each other and tried hard to avoid and run away from what they felt.  It’s been a long journey for them being into each other since the first time they met but not really realising what they felt.  Fighter did but he went into extreme panic mode and tried to run away immediately he felt that. So he tried to stay by Tutor’s side through the teasing and bullying because Tutor made him feel great and happy always but then with pressure from his father and the path he was meant to take to keep on being seen as successful, he thought his feelings for Tutor were useless and wrong. Plus he didn’t know if it was reciprocated so that caused even more fear for him which is why he just stayed with teasing and finally kater in thinking Tutor likes Hwa he chose to pull her away from him by taking her attention but also he chose to keep what they have as enemies/haters that way and avoid being near Tutor. This is why they end up hating each other a lot by the beginning of Why R U which is like 3 years later or something after he chose to stay with Hwa. 

Tutor didn’t understand fully why he got angry, jealous and annoyed, he had an inclination from the first year that Fighter liked men and he was actually hopeful about it because deep down he had feelings of wanting to also flirt with Fighter, wanting to stay with Fighter even when annoyed him and bullied him. He liked Fighter’s softness at times and he liked the way he felt even though he didn’t understand why he was so rifled and affected by Fighter’s presence when no one else has been able to do that to him before. But he became upset when Fighter chose to date Hwahwa because it was his automatic issue with IH that of course Fighter doesn’t like him but he likes girls, so he got jealous and sad and proceeded to also dislike Fighter because he had this effect on him whilst still trying to date his best friend who had feelings for Fighter.

They both have had unknowingly pent up feelings for each other, so once Fighter breaks the barrier by their first kiss, they both go into extreme panic and they both could no longer pretend any more with what they have. Which is why the first episodes they both keep struggling to keep their attraction with each other quiet because its been 3 years since they wanted each other that way. Fighter has so much pent up attraction and needs to give into his feelings that each time they have a chance to break that barrier it’s intense and crazy. Both have been longing, pining secretly for each other since the beginning of the show. What happens next is for Fighter he has to choose to finally accept that he cares a lot, a lot , a lot about Tutor, he finally starts to learn more about this person he loves and he starts to want to protect and keep Tutor happy and by his side. When it comes to finally choosing to let go of Hwa and choose to fight for Tutor and start knowing if he feels the same way. It’s a leap of faith he takes when he breaks up with Hwa. He realises he’s the one stopping his wishes from happening with Tutor because he keeps being in denial about what they are because he’s scared it’s only him that’s gay and has feelings for the other.

It’s only after tutor sister tells him that he’s holding back his feelings does he realise that it’s time to talk about their unstable relationship and Fighter at that moment had also come to terms with his break up with Hwa after making out with tutor revealed the truth, that’s why on the rooftop they do a test that ultimately breaks their walls down and choose to give in to their feelings no matter how scared they are about it being reciprocated. When Tutor looks away and loses the game it’s a symbol to Fighter that he’s also been the same as him from the start. Tutor looks away sadly thinking he’s the one who has the feelings but Fighter just loses it and lets him know its equal which is why I love that scene so much because for so long both of them because of IH has been avoiding thinking the other had the same feelings for them when they both from the start have felt love for a long time. And from then they go on a journey to learn about what this means, if it’s real feelings and not just attraction hence their beach vacation which is essentially them asking if they could love each other and be in a real relationship, and if they can take on their obstacles around them. The beach solidifies for them their feelings so they choose each other for life hence the earring and necklace. But it’s fast paced how they feel because it’s just confirmation, now Tutor starts to realise that Fighter is actually different than he thought he was and he falls so fast, he now realises how much he loves Fighter and how much Fighter made him want to fight for his happiness and life. Tutor has not had hope for happiness and ease in his life, because he’s always had to fight to survive on his own. So when Fighter shows up like a prince charming and constantly is connected to saving him time and time again, it’s exactly him realising there’s someone who does represent that hope that he’d be fine. Hence why the final obstacle is Tutor regressing and starting to think because of IH and society that he and Fighter are just a pipe dream.

They go back to face the world only for Fighters father to bring back all the fear, internalised homophobia and obstacles they had. Fighter panics and thinks he was right; the reason why he never told Tutor his feelings was because he was afraid the other would break his heart (was not gay, did not have feelings for him, would make fun of him etc) so when Tutor breaks up with him he loses his mind after trying hard to let go. When he sees that actually Tutor is taunting him and is still flirting with a guy, not him, he proceeds drunk and upset to try and get back moments from the beach scene/ past make out scenes to keep that spark alive but realises Tutor is not okay this time and he’s the one forcing it. He also acted out because with them the truth comes out each time they’re physical with other romantically. It’s a kiss that caused them to finally tell each other how they felt. That’s always been the way they break their walls down.

It’s what causes him to break down and finally reveal the truth he’s loved Tutor since he met him, he’s just been afraid of all that’s happening even if it’s happening he still wants to be with Tutor. Tutor however breaks his heart even more so he backs off. Tutor on the other hand is broken and mentally exhausted back to depression, back to having to fake being strong and deal with the futility of hope and joy in his life as he’s always been used to. He gets seen by Fighter and doesn’t have it on him to fight him away, so decides to stay in an idealistic fantasy, tells him to hold him and breaks his walls down again. Tutor is always having to fake being strong because it’s how he survives so whenever Fighter enters his world his vulnerability scares him, that’s why his sister gives him the image of a cactus. He’s tough and sharp or pretends to be with his demeanour but actually he’s just a boy who wants to be happy and be safe and survive. So when Fighter shows up at his weakest moments, as he struggles to deal with his mental exhaustion and heart break, he gives in  because again Fighter represents to him that hope. He starts to waver and want to stay in that lie for a long time with Fighter. Hence when he wakes up and Fighter is gone he thinks its all over and he finally breaks down completely.

Only when Fighter goes he breaks down in anguish truly thinking he lost him. Fighter finally comes out to his dad and fights his views, And we end up back at the beach, a place which represented authenticity and truth for them, it’s their truest realest self, but it also was their escapism. So Fighter coming there and letting Tutor know there’s no more obstacles in their way makes them both finally equally start a stable relationship with no more fear or care about anything. These twos relationship is full of tension and they both feel the chemistry, like magnets their bodies are drawn together, every scene they’re in, it’s their love language physical touch not bl fan service. They just naturally want to be in contact with each other and also their pent up feelings leads to them constantly wanting to sleep together because of hormones and well because they enjoy their se*ual life, nothing bad about that it’s realistic for couples to be that horny, that needy and that touchy.

It’s people who don’t get the context of internalised homophobia and what being in the closet is like for people with this anxiety and self hate caused by how they think society views them and treats them if out, those are the people who think there was no plot. Every dialogue these two had, their flashbacks and their acting (eyes, facial gestures, touches) showed why Fighter liked teasing Tor, why he dated Hwa but never paid her attention, why we had the beach scenes, why the break up escalated, why Tutor gave in when ill, why the non/dubious consent scene happened, why they get back together and why they told each other I love you forever immediately after they got together. Every single part adds up. It really is insane to me how people don’t see their real story to this day or see them as such a great storyline for BL. I would never get it.

[life-rewritten]

Fish Upon The Sky Episode 8-11 Problems with being Romeo and Juliet (MorkPi)

What an episode! After three weeks of hating this show and slowly removing myself from accepting this show as a favourite. FUTS hits me in the feels and gut in a way that I always knew it would. The realisation of my errors and judgement made me close to tears, dramatic, I know, but it's frustrating when your intuition tells you something, but for some reason, on the surface, it seems to be the opposite. It's a struggle. I wanted to defend this show, break it down and yet there were times I was ashamed I saw more from what it gave. And even so, we still have to mourn the fact that it could have been so much more had the director taken a different approach.

What I enjoy about this show is the meta and characterisation of its characters and their arcs and depth. You can tell that there's so much to understand before you judge them, they all are struggling, but the show fails to show why their struggles matter. Why what they're going through is important. Especially when it comes to its main protagonist and love interest, Mork. The show's comedy overshadows at times and makes us dislike what we see and throw it to the wolves as shallow and unimportant. It's hard to understand that something lurks in this narrative about themes like self-discovery and dealing with anxiety, self-deprecation etc., that could make this show so much more profound and needed than it seems to be. With so many frustrations and uncertainty about; where the story is going, what the message is if the romance is even romantic. FUTS can be a wild ride of struggle, frustration and yet happiness and comfort. It's a whiplash that causes annoyance and disappointment in its misunderstood moments. How does a show do that? The narrative is meant to be incredible, and yet somehow, its final product and performance are abysmal at times. Why? This isn't a hate post. This is an analysis on FUTS episode 11, and why after so much confusion, we finally get to the bottom of it, something that clicks and again brings back why this narrative is incredible and just not done in a way it deserved. But first, let's address the biggest fish, Mork.

The Problem With Understanding A Character Like Mork

Finally? An understanding of Mork's desperation after what seemed impossible and painful. It's ironic; what FUTS does is it tells and shows you with clues that at some point, Mork and Pi both are similar in how they go about their romantic storylines; they mirror each other's desperation, stubbornness and pride. There has to be an idea of a difference and an idea of self-worth that makes them chase love like it's their all.

Both Pi and Mork start this story as admirers determined, serious, selfish yet doubtful and insecure. But it's hard to see how these two people who seem so different in terms of society's treatment and approval can both be having the same ideas of lack of self-worth and insecurity.When you look at Pi, you get it. He's been traumatised into hating himself into self-sabotaging because he believes he's not good enough. This leads to his standoffish characterisation, his selfish, close-minded, and victimisation mindset. Where nothing matters but his comfort and safety. Nothing he does is good enough to please society. He's been moulded with the perspective from the start that he's destined to be alone. He mocks it, but as the story continues, we see the mask fall. He's not okay with it at all.

But Mork? Mork is the opposite; he's loved by society to the point of suffocation. He has a fan club of praises and supporters; he's seen as handsome, intelligent and cool without even having to try like Pi; he's effortlessly wanted and loved by all. So how can he be insecure? How can he even think for a second he should be suffering from having a fish upon the sky effect when he usually's everyone else's fish, ideal and dream? Why would he think he's not enough to keep what he wants? The answer is pretty obvious to our face, and even I missed it. It's the lack of understanding of his pain because of his pretty privilege.Pretty privilege sounds like an impressive feat; you get what you want cause you're hot, you're adored by everyone, and everyone perceives you as happy and living a happy life because you were blessed and lucky with what is envied and desperately sought; approval. But alas, no, because of this, you tend to be judged as too perfect, stale, no growth, no flaws, and no personality. People overlook your own struggles because you're seen as the lucky one. And the thing is because FUTS is in Pi's perspective when it comes to him and Mork, we also view him through that lens. I just forgot that we're looking at him through the lens of our very own main character, who's very naive and wrong about how he perceives everything around him.  

Mork's obsession with Pi doesn't make sense because Pi doesn't get it. How is he so confident and cool and yet always acting nervous like Pi is the one in control of him? Like he's scared to lose Pi, why should he feel like he will fail with Pi when all he has to do is let him go, and Pi will come running back because he's worth returning to. Everyone knows this; everyone praises him because they know this. Pi will later always realise just how cool and important he is. Why is he so frustrating and has no worries apart from Pi not wanting him?? Like why is he so one dimensional? But it's ironic; what we see of Mork is again how Pi sees him, and in this episode, Pi finally knew more about him and finally saw Mork's insecurities and reality. And the thing is, Mork lives a very ironic painful life, where it's actually important to notice that again his flaws come from his own ways he deals with his own fears and perception of himself.

Because instead of being pushed by the trauma of being rejected by society, it's the opposite. Instead, his flaws stem from the obsession that society has with him; it's actually his pretty privilege that's always been his burden and curse. The reason why he acts possessive, desperate, scared, and controlling is because of the fear that he will lose what he has just because of his pretty privilege. Stay with me, let me explain it more:

The Kurosawa Effect

An example of a character like Mork is Kurosawa in another BL called Cherry Magic. Everyone loved him, praised him, admired him, but it suffocated him and made him be taken for granted; in fact, it is during his suffering and drowning, he finds love with someone who perceives him as the opposite. Yes, that person thinks he's fantastic and whatnot, but Adachi is brave and cares about who Kurosawa actually is on the inside; he saw through him. But you see as the show goes on that it's Adachi's insecurities about himself that makes Kurosawa, later on, suffer; he has it all; he can get anyone he wants. Yet, every time it comes to getting who he loves, they see themselves as lower than him and don't trust that they are suitable for him.

This is the irony of FUTS. Pi is someone who is being punished for the lack of being pretty to society, for not being wanted. He had to develop a hard wall to deal with this crippling fact that destroyed his sense of self. The irony is as he developed a way to deal with this, as he chose to shun and hide from society; that's what Mork fell in love with when looking at him. And now you already see something Mork envies from Pi even though he watched him struggle;

 Pi is not wanted by society, but Pi is allowed to be himself, free and uncaring, and this lack of being bothered (a mask Pi used) made Mork want to know him. Because he couldn't do the same. Pi offered a world where he could join and be just as close to and away from society's cage, where they both could hide in.  

But even with all the pain and anguish Pi went through, Mork saw his strength, watching him stay kind, helpful and caring to society despite his closed of energy. Something he didn't understand how he could do that, but because it's Pi, Mork fell hard for that part that Pi didn't even notice.

 Lastly, it's watching Pi slowly grow his own confidence, his own fight and his own determination of self-preservation, shunning society as they shunned him. Mork found Pi's tenacity in not letting people affect him actually attractive, and he liked that and wanted that. Pi didn't suffocate.

 Mork liked that despite what the world did to him, he refused to let himself drown and break, he overlooked Mork for what people saw in him, and he spoke to him anonymously as a natural person, not an object.

But alas, Pi was the only one in the world who didn't want him. The very person he wanted by his side, and yet the very person he was scared to lose because of the exact reasons he fell for him. Pi shunned society, but wherever Mork went, society followed him. This is why he didn't go give him the umbrella. He was insecure and worried and scared of losing him immediately to the claws of his cagers.

The Suffocation of Popularity

Because although he would have gotten Pis love and adoration, Pi wouldn't fall for him authentically (what he felt for Nan, as we find out slowly, it was fake/a lie he used to cope). Pi would chase after Mork, but it'd be shallow, unreal and fake because Pi would see him as impossible to love. And we see this, no matter how much he spends his energy (reason for why he's so determined, serious, possessive and obsessive) to convince Pi why they should be together; Pi refuses to see Mork as nothing more than society's most beloved and wanted. It should be why he gets to be with who he loves, but it's a punishment. Ironic right? It's so much of a sentence that his birthday can't be celebrated privately because fans are always on the lookout for his life; he has had to deal with this constant invasion. This is why he keeps on trying so hard to make Pi accept that it's his life; something he can't escape.

His popularity is almost like a curse, not a blessing to him, in a show where popularity is coveted by the main. Ironic right? And it's incredible because, again, people are the source of his issues: society and the public domain. Pis pain is his insecurity, hurt, trauma, and need to be accepted by people to honestly think he deserves happiness. Whilst Mork is the opposite, his insecurities stem from being a burden to the one he loves for just… loving them. For just wanting to be happy with them. And the thing is just like Pi becomes selfish and becomes flawed because of his resolution to deal with the hurt and pain and anguish of his feat, Mork is the same; he also becomes, you guessed it, selfish too, almost to the point at times of toxicity. But it's toxic positivity, the reason he's flawed is his clinginess, possessiveness, stubbornness, but he became this way because he's determined to keep what he loves to be happy; he became strong to deal with his pain. Still, his strength and determination become his flaw. And Pi is the same; Pi became strong selfishly only focused on himself and his happiness to curb his anxiety and futility of thinking he could ever be loved by others. 

Even when he now has friends, a lover and acceptance of family, Pi still thinks he's the worst, and the way he runs away from this is intentional self-sabotage. He becomes the monster he believes he is; hence his selfish character, lack of empathy, insecurity, and stubbornness to stay unloving is provoked when he feels vulnerable and attacked. Mork suffers for Pis strength and mask, and Pi also suffers for Mork's obsession and determination. They both ironically hurt each other when they both strive to protect each other.

Pi believes Mork can be protected by not being with him, and Mork believes Pi can be covered by him taking his burdens and constantly being by his side, but it's both ironic; they both hurt each other because of society. It's society; Pi is protecting Mork from; he wants him to be loved and accepted and stay his cool, pretty way. And Mork is also protecting Pi from society by telling him:

"F society let's be by ourselves in our own world protected, and safe. If society doesn't want you, I want you, let's leave society and not care about it let's be ourselves".

And yet, it triggers trauma for Pi because each time the more Mork strives to show him he's protected, he's hurt even worse for being with him. He's triggered even more with his trauma for any step they take to be free. See why it's ironic? And yet ironically so perfect and great as a narrative??

A Fish Drowning In The Sky.

These two find themselves the victim of society and its norms, and they find themselves unable to know what to do to survive and be happy because of what society does to them. Mork's actions are romantic, but it's negative. It's toxic at times, but that's his flaw, that's his desperation not to lose Pi, not to let him run away from him, not to leave him alone once more alone to deal with this cage he always thought he'd be trapped in. Being an object, not being seen or being happy. He's a fish drowning in his bowl, an ironic metaphor, and Pi is his fish in the sky—the place where freedom actually is. But Pi is drowning in the sky because it feels hostile and inhospitable; he can't stay in the sky. There's no water to survive. He doesn't want Mork to join him there. It's ironic because when it came for Nan, he saw Nan as his fish in the sky, but it shows you how that was just a way to distract himself and have the incentive to hope he didn't actually want to join the sky with him. Because the sky was always scary and hostile to him, Nan was never in the sky; he was always in the bowl, and Pi knew this but let himself lie that Nan was what he wanted. It's again ironic.

There's so much to say about this episode, and I don't know if I will continue breaking it down, but this narrative has always been incredible. It was the way it was edited and shown to us that failed. The director made so many moments that could have been done differently done the way that makes us disregard this show. Mork is a character with dimensionality; he has depth, pain, 'insecurities and flaws; he just was being viewed in a lens that made us all misunderstand and disregard it. It's surprising that rewatching this show after knowing all this, the whole show changes for me. It becomes a tale about two people who are ironically made for each other but are so destructed and affected by the world around them. Society is their obstacle: Romeo and Juliet (hence the balcony scenes mirroring that) torn apart by society but meant to be. But the show won't give us enough time to see their growth into escaping this toxicity they have grown with. Pi still has so much to grow and learn before he lets Mork in. He needs to know he's worth it, and he's on that journey; he finally has people around him to show him he's okay. Mork just wants someone in the world that makes him feel safe, and that's Pi, and he also is slowly close to getting him to stop hiding and trusting him. They both are slowly closer to their mental freedom and happiness. That's how good this show could have been—man, what a fantastic episode.

[life-rewritten]

Lovely Writer Ep 1; An Introduction to Ambition, Masks and Secret Goals

We did it, guys! After trying hard to get back into this writing groove thing, I think I have found it, the show that will make me want to write. And we all say What??  Oh, my word was the first episode of Lovely writer so great. From the first moment the show starts, you can tell there's meta, it's calling out the BL industry; sarcastically, with comedy, shallowness, and yet there's this air of secrecy and depth to it. It's funny because the industry's problems made fun of are essentially going to be our big villain of the show, the thing that's going to try and rip our couple apart. So to see the first episode already lay a foundation for us to start realising the disconnect with what's being done on the surface vs what's being truly displayed secretly shows us already this show is playing with the ideas of masks and the lengths it would take to actually survive in this world/industry portrayed in the show. The thing as well is we are watching this show through the lens of Gene; he's also someone who's become very disconnected with how he feels about the problematic elements of this industry vs how people want him to think about it; they want him to thrive off it, to use it for his ambition, to use it to make himself known. So already, we are also introduced to the theme of ambition and the theme of secrets. The characters are acting in a way to get something done for them, and yet they're hiding their truths to please something; the industry, a person of power, or just something they want. And that's fascinating already to start with. That's already going to be fun to unpack and write about.

I just really love how deep this show is already becoming;  hidden with comedy and romance, we see depth, we see realism and calling out issues that we face in the real world concerning the BL genre, and still, we see yet, a love story brewing as well, it's a perfect combination. Or is it? And not to be so fully surprised, I did say that Tee is a great director, he made TharnType mean something to me, and that's because he hides his themes and his actual message behind layers and layers of subtext, he focuses on flaws of characters, but he makes them feel real, yet he also tackles real conversations about things that happen in real life and hides it behind a passionate romance and comedy. That's why this is so great for me. In already episode 1, Tee has shown up and done everything I knew he could do with Lovely Writer, and I am so freaking excited. The words are pouring out of me. Once the show started, I wanted to write, analyse and talk about this show.  I wanted to bring to the surface the meta, the subtext, the foreshadowings and the character depth. I am truly ready for this show, and I hope you all are too. So episode 1, how were we introduced to the themes of the show so far; well, let's find out.

An Introduction to Ambition, Masks and Secrets

So the show starts off as a typical romantic comedy Bl; at first, you are like, it's funny they keep mentioning these little truths about the genre and the industry. It makes sense; we're seeing the story through the eye of a frustrated writer in the industry who has to do a lot to be part of it, so it is funny but also surreal to see the issues being brought up about the industry. Because of this, you know this show is meta. It's taking its self not seriously, but it's actually serious below the surface. So immediately, my sensors start to ping, could there be more depth to this story, are there hints showing us what to look out for, is there more to what Tee wants to say with this show. And actually, the first thing is the introduction to Aey. They mention him at first during the casting call discussion; the way they introduce him is interesting to me because I know he's an obstacle to our story. He's a love rival, and he's sneaky.

Aey is an interesting villain if you wanna call him that. He's obviously going to be a barrier, and you know, his smile on his face seems like a mask, not particularly for evil, just something he has to use to get his way. Just like Nubsib, he's faking an image, and we see his real face in the bathroom, this episode. Especially when he looks through some comments and tweets, which I don't know what it's about because there were no subs, but I'm guessing either mentioned his sexuality or how cute how he and Nubsib will be together or something else that pokes at his insecurity. Right now, he's ambitious,  his thoughts are on succeeding, and so he acts docile, nice and friendly to get what he wants; however, we can see that the reason why he's right now trying to get Nubsib's attention isn't because of love; it's because of the job, of wanting to keep appearances, of knowing this would make him more successful, this will make them famous and please their growing shipping fandom.

That's the exciting thing; the question is, does he really like Nubsib or is he just faking it. Is there more to his connection with Nubsib? Also, just the fact that he's not a one-note character but he already seems to have layers is so exciting for me; this show is already doing what I hope it would do for me, it's being meta, secretive, smart, structured and still having comedy and romance on the surface. These characters all seem to have layers, truths hidden and interesting reasons for why they do what they do. That's fascinating to me. So because of that one scene where we see Aey almost break his mask and then go back to putting it on to please people and write on his social media, I'm already seeing the theme of ambition in this series. I see it in Gene, Nubsib (for Gene mostly), Aey, even Hin, who's a bit interesting with his own want to write and need to be noticed. Interesting.

The lengths our characters have to go through to achieve their ambitions might make them take on masks that they aren't particularly comfortable with, and also isn't an accurate display of their own values and truths but never the less they have to do this to achieve their ambition.

Gene: The Mask Of A Writer

We can see Gene isn't really a fan of BL writing and the tropes associated with it. In fact, he deplores it, he finds it hard to write about, and he doesn't think there's any substance to them. His focus is that what they portray is shallow, unimportant and toxic, just like how he sees the industry promoting them. It's why he's fine being an introvert; he feels safer in the confines of his home doing what he loves to do; writing, but he's decided, letting people in is not worth it. Mostly people from his industry who seem callous at times, greedy at best, and just corruptive. He disagrees with that and tends to want to distance himself from that. But what can he do? He wants to write, he wants to survive by doing what he loves to do, he wants to thrive in his job; however, he has to make sacrifices to get to that goal where he can comfortably write what he wants.

He's not really comfortable there, he wants to write something else (something with more depth, something with more understanding, something that makes him feel like him), but he can't, so he takes on a mask to keep on doing whatever he can for his ambition.  Writing is all Gene seems to have, from constantly being tired, irritated, and too focused on it to even take care of the state of his house, of himself, and of his relationships. Nothing is more important than writing. That's his ambition, what makes him happy, what makes him safe, what makes him comfortable. And that's very relatable; as an introverted writer my self, Gene finds an escape from the real world when he puts his mind at work, and he creates however slowly, the love and excitement he has for writing are being shadowed by the lack of belonging he feels for the genre he has to write about. The moral conflicts, the uncomfortable topics and just overall the shallow results of his stories. They don't mean anything to him, just a way for ends meet. And that must be incredibly frustrating and tiring. Yet Gene has to do it to get his ambitions done.

That's why it's funny/important that Nubsib is invading his space. Nubsib's presence is showing up and unravelling Gene's masks, his truths, his reality. Nubsib is pushing Gene out of his act and making him question his ambition and truth. But also, in a way, Nubsib is providing depth for Gene for this genre as he starts to be truly inspired by his unknown attraction and connection to Nubsib.

 The more the love becomes authentic, the more Gene starts to understand maybe why BLs might be written and why it might be loved by many fans because of that meaning of love that is portrayed when done correctly. So perhaps, Nubsib is making Gene realise more about the other side of things; maybe he offers a different perspective, especially since he's going to be one of those tropey BL characters.

Nubsib: The Mask Of A Lover

Nubsib is very much ambitious, he takes levels to make sure he gets to Gene, but also he hides his true self and wears a mask of two faces. Even his manager knows his real personality and says it; he's faking an image. He hides who he really is to Gene to come of nicer and sweeter, but also he does all of this to get his goal of making Gene trust him. Making Gene first think he's a good boy.  Now, of course, immediately, I notice his two-faced behaviour. I see red flags; this isn't a healthy way to pursue a lover; it's full of lies, secrets and not truly knowing the real person's character. So are we going to unveil more about his intentions, why he's so invested in Gene and what he gains from doing all this, this way? Why is he so ready to ensure this time, Gene doesn't escape or that he doesn't lose his chance to finally be with Gene.

Acting doesn't seem to be his agenda; Gene is, you know, which is why you can feel already from the bat that he knows Gene before. He's pretending they haven't met before/, or he's seen something in him that's made him want to be near him; that's fascinating and interesting, that's the lengths he's taking; to wear a mask to get what he wants. It's interesting because, in a way, his lying, manipulation and secrecy is the opposite of what his presence is going to be for Gene in the show. Remember, he's meant to add authenticity to Gene's life, and love, and vulnerability, and so it's worrying because it's almost like Gene is falling in someone who he doesn't even honestly know. But this is just episode 1; as much as yes Nubsib is manipulative and secretive, I think there are things we'll get to see about him that's still authentic, at least for now; one of the things that stay true is his feelings for Gene, that's what's driving him, and Gene who has been so devoid of that connection maybe that's why Nubsib has to find a way to break down his walls in that way. We can see it's not easy for people to see Gene's vulnerable side. Nubsib makes him vulnerable, and maybe Nubsib knows this about Gene if they have met before; maybe he knows this is the only he can maybe try to make Gene notice him since Gene is so quick to run back home and throw himself into his world of writing. But is it okay? No, it's still manipulative and deceitful, but I think it's going to have consequences. And I can't wait to see how that unfolds. You also see some parts of when his masks fall, and that's concerning Aey, which is funny because  I think they're the same type of people. This is why I'm intrigued by this show; they both will do whatever it is to get what they want.

Aey: The Mask Of An Actor

And then we have Aey; he's even more fascinating; he's pretending to like Nubsib for his own agenda. Even Nubsib can feel it. They've known each other for a while. They can read through each other's masks. That's why they have an interesting plot arc coming. The show does start by making note that he rarely would get a role this big because of his queer identity. Apparently, that's an issue/ problem with the industry (both in fiction and in reality, sadly). They think LGBTQ actors don't attract money if they're too 'queer',  so Aey is determined to get success, notice and fame. He's already found ways to get to this point by overhearing Nubsib when he finds out about the audition. Nubsib is already known and supported by people. Aey may be different. Maybe he's had to struggle to be noticed.

In a way, he's doing all he can to ensure this works for him, but in order to do so,  he also wears a mask and hides who he really is to everyone. In fact, the reason why he's chosen for the role is because even though he is queer, he doesn't seem like it. This is what was said in the show. The only person who seems to see him truly is Mhok, and that's an exciting development being hinted at. There's someone again who is connected to unravelling his mask and knowing his genuine authenticity. I think this is a big theme surrounding romance in this show.  So Aey is going to be an interesting obstacle, just like Sib, everything that comes out from his mouth are lies to get what he wants, maybe even his smiles and fake niceties aren't truly his character; he seems devious (not in a negative way), he seems cunning, like he knows how to be one step ahead. This is probably what he's made himself become to be chosen, noticed and taken seriously. To get what he wants. This makes him a fascinating antagonist; I don't think he's a villain, just someone who has a fascinating character arc in the show. I can't wait to explore it.

Hin: The Mask Of A Follower

And then there's Hin. As much as he's chirpy and nice and friendly to Gene, he seems quite, I won't say jealous, but he does show he wants the chance and opportunities Gene has with writing. He asks the manager by text as the audition happens,  to read his book and let him know if it's possible for publishing. It seems he tends to be overlooked; he's curious, wide-eyed, always looking positive, but what if this is also just a mask? What if we're gonna see more to this arc too. It'd be interesting to see if he'll feel annoyed at Gene complaining about having the opportunity he has to write BLs, when others may not be chosen the same way. But that's just a theory about Hin. If all the other characters are just as ambitious in getting what they want, what's to say, Hin wouldn't be later. What role would he play during the show's ending, perhaps just a supportive friend, a guide to help Gene deal with whatever comes, but it is interesting to know he also wants to write. My first thoughts always point to negative with that because it suggests rivalry. And I think rivalry is also an interesting theme, an occurrence that happens in the industry. So maybe there's more to him, or perhaps not.

So yeh ambition and masks and the lengths the characters would go to fulfil what's important to them in this show have been built up already. Most of our characters all share similarities of having to become or do something that doesn't pertain to the truth of who they really are. They see no choice in the matter; they have to do this to survive or to be happy. This industry is a competition, it's harsh, and you need adaptability, tough skin and methods to survive and get what you want. Especially since Lovely Writer is about the Acting industry as well. These characters all have to be actors somehow, Gene has to pretend he cares about BL, so he sells and makes it big, Nubsib has to pretend he doesn't know Gene, so he can win Gene's heart, Aey has to pretend he cares about Nubsib, so he becomes famous and supported by his fandom, and maybe even Hin has to pretend he's okay with following after Gene, so he can find opportunities to learn more about the industry and also find ways to publish his book. An interesting theme that occurs in real life. Obviously, as Gene and Sib fall for each other, those ambitions come out to the surface, become obstacles in the making, and they have to choose to sacrifice some of it for their love and happiness. One way or another, there's a consequence to not being who you are; somehow, the truth always comes out.  Okay, let's do this show. Let's get to know these characters. I certainly can't wait.

[life-rewritten]

LOVELY WRITER EP 2; THE PRICE OF AMBITION; SACRIFICE OF AUTHENTICITY, TRUTH AND IDENTITY

Okay Let's crack on. I'm annoyed at myself that it took me this long to finally calm down and just write this analysis out. Basically, because real life can be a b*tch and get in the way. But this episode also showcases how the reality of life can get in the way and make us lose our values, self and ideals. Lovely Writer has been this amazing experience so far; each episode I just want to shout out, at how real, meta, and deep this show is. It makes me so happy to see a BL show that has so much depth even it is not meaning to be, what I see from this show is incredible and I’m in love with it so far. If Episode 1 focused on putting on masks to get to achieving your aspirations and hiding yourself; Episode 2 hones down on that message and also shows our characters making sacrifices of their truths, authenticity, and identity in order to survive the environment that they’re in to make their dreams come true. This theme is both as painful as illuminating, it really exposes and brings up questions about a lot of truths about our characters, it makes them so much more real and human but also foreshadows and leaves hints about the obstacles that our couple will have to face. Also, it tackles this sinister feeling that the show has when focusing on the love story brewing, is the love real, is it toxic, should we be worried? Why is Nubsib so secretive and eery? But actually, just a full exposure to the message of the show? So, Let’s analyse episode 2 and the theme of sacrifice of Authenticity, Identity and Truth, and why this is a foreshadowing to the rest of the show up ahead.

Gene: Sacrifice of Connectivity and Relationships

This episode of Lovely Writer aka Nubsib was just as great as episode 1. Maybe even more disconcerting and layered. One because on the surface we see the love story of Gene and Nubsib brewing, Gene is being forced out of his comfort zone with a struggle, and Nubsib has laid out his plans to finally get his attention. On the surface we immediately start of with a typical contract living trope in the storyline, Gene finding ways to still have his personal space and focus on what he has to write that day but finding himself becoming more open and convinced to let Nubsib in and break down some barriers he has always had with the outside world. Especially with how his home is  so dear to him; is a safe space, that he doesn’t really want any intruder, or distraction wading in and making it uncomfortable for him. In a way Gene is so relatable; this what an introvert does, he protects his space and where he feels the freest from the clutches of people. He protects himself where he feels the most vulnerable because he’s afraid of being corrupted, used or hurt. It’s a metaphor, or well the house represents him because Gene is someone who for some reason does not like letting people in, you could say it’s his introvert nature, but it seems more than that, he doesn’t even let his own brother into his space, he doesn’t bother to really interact with people in any way shape or form, and each time he has to do so it’s full of anger and resentment at whoever is causing him to leave his space. Maybe he views people as obstacles to distracting or taking away his focus on writing, maybe he thinks interacting with people would cause a flood of insecurities to make him slow down with his writing, and ambition. We know he has distant friends especially like looking at Tum, there’s a friendly history with Tum from college bu even still with that, he’s truly okay with being alone and being without people. All he cares about is writing, all he puts his effort in is writing.  And that’s where this theme of sacrifice already starts to play in this episode and show in general. The reality of sacrificing things of importance in order to make it in the industry or to make your dreams a reality.

 For Gene, everything he puts his effort into is writing, it seeps everything from him: his focus, his time, his self-care, his sleep etc. He’s someone who’s just content creating and writing, it’s like that’s how he escapes the world and finds his own comfort, where he can be his true self. The house is a metaphor of Gene, because Nubsib has to find a way to enter into it, this isn’t easy to do but also we start to see him help make it even better, even more accommodating, even less chaotic. Nubsib entering ends up actually although forceful and uncomfortable; improving the living condition of Gene, he offers him back everything that his focus on writing and ambition lost him. He offers him the self-care, the food, the cleanliness, the time to do something else instead of always just focusing on his laptop, he helps Gene find a healthier way of doing what he’s already being doing. But also, he changes Gene’s perspective and knocks down a few walls, because he starts to realise that living with someone isn’t as bad as he feared: it’s actually the opposite.

So Nubsib does this thing where his actions lead to Gene coming of his comfort zone and discovering about life and people which in return helps him discover more about the authenticity of the story he wants to write. This is why it’s so easy for Gene, each time he’s challenged by Nubsib’s actions to get inspiration and have a clearer answer to what he wants to do with his story. Because that’s all he cares about even if he’s uncomfortable with writing a BL genre, he just loves to write. Because he’s always had this shallow mindset towards the genre, he never really focused on finding inspiration in the truths about the genre, in seeing where there could be more to the genre than what he thought it was on the surface, (a theme of this show) but once he meets Sib, his attitude towards writing becomes different because he’s starting to see that authenticity and see the other truths to creating a romantic love story.It also probably shows how inexperienced he is with relationships, I mean for someone who truly doesn’t want anyone near him, it would make sense again that that’s an aspect of things he chose to sacrifice to focus on writing before Sib no one’s really caught his attention and he’s probably not seen the point to it.  So, it is a fascinating look into these two’s love story already, although there’s a sinister feeling about Sib and his character motivations, we can already see how he’s affecting Gene even in his flawed, messed up ways. It’s nice to see that there’s a positive impact on the writer and it explores why it’s so easy for Gene to slowly let his inhibitions go and trust Sib and give his heart to him later.

 Nubsib knows how to get Gene to truly look deeper into himself and question his desires and needs and wants, even as he manipulates the situation in which he gets a kiss from the script reading, it’s more about how he does it. Although it’s manipulative it’s the question he asks Gene that ends exposing Gene’s question about the truth and authenticity and his own feelings that he actually puts into his writing when it comes to BL. As writers it’s only when you are using your honest voice and feeling truly passionate and connected to the story, is when you see that inspiration and words pour out. And for Gene that’s the issue, he’d prevented himself from being truly connected with the genre he was writing, he followed typical rules and ideas that he saw as basic and shallow but he never thought to embrace the writing process and truly relay his own opinions and ideas into a story. Once Nubsib asks him that question of how he felt when he wrote his scenes, Gene realises that the key to unlocking his story is being authentic and focusing on the feelings and not the tropes/rules in the story (another similarity with the show itself). I think that’s telling, again how Nubsib affects him even though he uses probably problematic methods to do so. In a way Nubsib just being his flawed self, is what Gene needed to grow and unlock more to understanding his self and his truth. The show also uses that to showcase again the theme of authenticity vs pretence or fakery,  because seeing their story unfold on the surface is tropey and forced/cheesy at times, but really there is a depth there to how they’re both affecting each other, although they’re pretending to kiss in the scene, there’s real feelings that have been unlocked since the first moment they locked eyes with each other, and although there’s a questionable part about the authenticity of some of the aspects of the relationship (Nubsib), the show isn’t running away from showing what these two have is real, automatic and in a way needed. So, it’s just layers upon layers of this idea of reality vs pretence in this show.

Nubsib: Sacrifice of Authenticity and Identity

Let’s talk about Sib because he’s such an interesting character when it comes to this theme of sacrifice. One because he’s someone who we are not sure we truly know, he’s hidden, he’s manipulative, two-faced, and secretive. It’s such a weird experience to see that what Gene is feeling is real and is helpful and needed, when it comes to Sib but it’s also scary because it leads to the question: is Sib a good person, does he have good motivation or is he just creepy? And in terms of sacrifice, it seems like he’s not losing anything to get his way and to be with Gene. But the thing I love about this show is again, the book/show is actually named after him (Its second name), Sib is actually the most important metaphor and message that is connected to the theme of authenticity vs fakery in this show. On the surface he’s someone who looks like he has everything, I mean it’s pretty obvious he has power and privilege over certain things (including wealth, the car he lies to Gene about is probably his) , the way he carries himself, and the way others bend to his will is hidden but it is hinted throughout the show. Tum has no choice but to listen to Sib and be ordered by him even though he’s the one who’s meant to oversee him as his manager. And Sib already had an audition prior to even meeting Gene in the other one, it was just for show, he had already been accepted into the role of Khin.

And it’s telling because he’s also good at playing this role of Khin who’s possessive and orders his lover around and tries to get what he wants with anger and power. Gene doesn’t think Sib would be good for this role because on the surface he sees Sib as someone gentle and naïve and slow, but ironically Sib is like Khin maybe without the problematic anger but from what we see or hear when he’s without Gene, he does order people around, he’s prone to disliking everything and having a sour face each time he’s in a situation with others. It’s only when Gene appears does his mask go on and he becomes this soft hearted, lost actor needing direction personality. So, the first sacrifice, if you can call it that about him is definitely his identity and authenticity to get to Gene. And at first, I wondered why this is a sacrifice because to me it seems like a great thing to get rid of if his character is anyway close to the character, he plays on screen Khin, but actually he’s sacrificing his power and control when it comes to Gene. There’s something about Gene that makes him want to be different. Something that exposes how he views himself. The reason why he becomes this act, is because he’s trying to be perfect for Gene, this exposes so many insecurities about what he thinks about himself, although it seems like he gets his way all the time, and his fans worship the ground he walks on, people let him do whatever he wants but it exposes that there’s something missing, something he had to lose to become this way. And the first one is identity/character, we’ve seen already the hints that this industry leads people to having to make sacrifices about who they are, to put on masks to get to where they want to go, to be put in a state of self-hate, insecurity about needing to change themselves for the worse to become successful. And although we’re watching him gain the success now, I think Nubsib is a product of that sacrifice of character/identity.

Perhaps the reason why he’s so cold and cruel is because he’s someone who was nurtured in a toxic environment that showed him how to get power by being that way, the reason why he’s calculating and manipulative on the surface is maybe because he had to always be this way to get what he wants. Whatever Gene is to Sib is opposite of whatever he’s had to go through, it’s clear he knows who he is, he’s determined to be helpful to him and show him he cares about him and needs him if we take his first words to Gene in the audition as foreshadowing how he truly feels about Gene. But whatever Gene did to make him want to sacrifice his riches, privilege, power, and control must have been something he desperately wanted to cling to, to grow and become who he was. Because for me it looks like Sib has always had to deal with the ‘pressures’ of being in the spotlight already, he’s already constantly followed by fans, (sacrificing his privacy, something that will end up becoming his biggest obstacle later in the story when he’s with Gene), he’s already prone to being objectified and pressured because of the effect this show will have on his fanbase and prior to the show

. His sacrifices point to the same ideas of rich privilege/pretty privilege where he’s probably been neglected, misunderstood, unloved although he comes from a great/privileged situation in others eyes and the way he’s had to get what he wants is to put on this façade of coldness and indifference, and also maybe that’s what he’s to attracted to in Gene is the authenticity that he can’t find anymore around him especially looking at how he interacts with Aey. It’s clear he sees him as someone who’s inauthentic, it’s clear he’s used to how the acting industry works and what they expect of him, so I can see him feeling like he’s surrounded by fakery and shallowness (like Gene thinks he’s also being forced to create and surround himself with, in his writing) and being so pulled to the fact that Gene feels real, and probably from their past, that’s what Gene always represented to him. Like maybe safety, maybe care, maybe authenticity. So that’s what I mean by him having to sacrifice his authenticity and identity for his own ambitions. But this is just my first theory about why he’s the way he is. Because what he’s had to sacrifice will come back to get him, it’s because of his lack of authenticity/truth to Gene that will cause him to lose him, it’s because of his lack of privacy that will cause him to lose Gene, it’s because of his pressures faced in the acting industry that will cause him to lose Gene. So yeh he’s an interesting character to keep an eye on because he’s not just a one-dimensional puppy that gets his way, he’s going to be a victim, he seems very intriguing and important to notice, especially since the novel/show is named after him.

 Hin: Sacrifice of Morality and Self

The theme of sacrifice starts being truly shown in episode 2 when we see Hin and Aey/Mhok. It’s an interesting switch from the tone of the show, where everything is loud, cheesy and full of sound effects (which are done on purpose because it’s to emphasise the comedy effect that the show is trying to use to hide its message), to immediately showcasing characters that are clearly not okay, struggling and dealing with the truth of their hurts and desires. We first are exposed to this by seeing Hin. The more we get to know his character, the more I am truly afraid of what they’re trying to lay out for him, because if it was me, Hin is going down a secret villain arc, mostly because I already mentioned he’s someone with a mask, he’s peppy and happy on the surface and eager to follow and be inspired by Gene and his success (which Hin sees it as), when he him self is struggling to be taken seriously with his writing. We see in episode 2, the sacrifice he has made to make this dream a reality, first of all he’s had to sacrifice financially living well, he’s not making money because he’s not being noticed, compared to Gene who is completely serene and well of because of the results of his own writing and creativity. Hin is struggling to keep up with the demands of reality vs his want to follow his dreams and ambition.

Another thing he’s sacrificing is also his family/ relationships, I mean by distance and choosing to follow his path, it’s clear he misses being with them and he misses having someone who is close to him, but he’s had to move to come to this situation to make his dreams as a writer come through. It’s all he wants, and it’s what gets him up from his mini depression in the episode, it’s what makes him gather his strength and proceed to write. And I know this feeling, the feeling of constant worry, anxiety, and depression that you’re not making your dreams happen, but the constant push to want to strive to make it happen because it’s all you want. The thing is, it would be great if Hin is just going to learn a different way in making his dreams a reality but this is a show that’s with the message that this industry corrupts and makes people sacrifice themselves in order to make it and get their ambitions, and as much as Gene and Hin could be close, I sense a brewing hostile thing forming between them, really in reality Gene is Hin’s rival, someone who clearly doesn’t appreciate how lucky he is to get to create these big BL stories that get hit after hit, someone who has his books being turned into a show, someone who’s being noticed but pushes every thing to not be noticed. In my opinion Hin would see Gene as someone who takes what he has for granted, coupled with the snark remarks, and cold closed of energy Gene seems to have sometimes with Hin? It just seems like it’s enough for him to react if worse comes to worse, if desperation reaches it’s limits, I just see Hin’s character choosing to become one of the sad realities of life and ambition in these stories, where he has to find a way to make it to the top no matter what.

It just seems like with the desperation growing and growing to be noticed, to be making money to survive, to prove to his family that he chose the right path, that Hin could snap. But maybe the show is just showcasing the reality of what people like Hin, Me, others have to go through when you chase after your ambitions, maybe it’s just a relatable plot that may end up having a good ending/ character growth, but just because of where the themes of the show seem to really be heavy on, I am going to keep an eye on Hin’s character. If I know Tee, he’s someone who has directed before a show where a character makes us love and trust him and seems happy on the surface only for him to be very warped because of the choices he chose to get what he wants (Lhong from TharnType) it won’t be surprising if Hin ends up becoming a plot twist villain. Sad but not surprising and would match with the reality/meta of the show’s message. 

 Aey; Sacrifice of Truth and Trust

Let’s put Hin out of the equation and actually focus on our ‘hinted’ main villain Aey. I keep saying he’s probably not a villain, but it is odd to hear Mhok say this episode Aey used to do bad things when he was younger and it’s nice to see him grow from that. With Aey, the spotlight on his character’s mask and actions is very telling, he’s someone who feels abandoned, hurt and betrayed. He’s resentful and he’s determined to make it. From episode 1 knowing the number of hardships he’s had to deal with to be an actor (like his queerness, his insecurities, lack of charisma etc) who’s as known as Nubsib is really fascinating and important to see. Episode 2 emphasises this determination again, he’s had to brave it and defy his family rules to choose to become an actor. He’s had to sacrifice his relationship with his family to try and make his dreams a reality. He’s had to put on a mask and become someone else on the surface to make his dreams a reality. And he’s had to sacrifice his own confidence, his own idea of self to please the fans and become an actor that’s successful. He’s even had to hide his queerness to fit into the industry, to be chosen. It’s through his determination that he overhears Sib talk about the audition and shows up, unlike Sib who’s asked to be placed in the audition easily, Aey has to fight to be seen and noticed.

You start to see this pattern with both Hin and Aey how they mirror and expose the privilege that Gene and Sib actually have in the industry though they don’t see it as that, well Gene doesn’t, I have a theory Sib also doesn’t but it’s ironic because from Hin and Aey’s perspective Gene and Sib are in amazing positions, are lucky and have it easy but they have to literally crawl and struggle their way out to make this dream they have a reality: to become noticed, to be taken seriously, to be successful in what they want to do. And Aey is 100% just like Hin is to Gene; a mirror character to Sib, he’s just as manipulative, just also sacrificing his authenticity, and identity to become better, to get what he wants, he’s choosing to become a wolf in sheep’s clothing just like Sib. And that’s why I like this show, the character’s mirror each other to showcase the hypocrisy, flaws and mistakes each character has. No one is a villain or a bad person per say, they just all have issues and are all humans but mostly are all victims in this industry.

Again, it’s the industry that is the main villain of the show. That’s incredible, and meta, and real. So Aey is someone who has this energy of someone who also feels unloved, neglected, and abandoned because he clearly feels hurt by whoever Earn is. I don’t know why people think she’s his girlfriend, he’s apparently gay so I don’t think so, but she gives me maternal vibes, she gives me older sibling vibes. Her story is that she also sacrificed her dreams in order to fit the mould of the family’s values and wants to survive. So she represents the opposite of Aey, she’s a reflection to his failures in his head if he doesn’t make it, she’s probably daddy’s favourite, or responsible, always doing the right thing whilst Aey is seen as a nuisance and her presence probably reminds him of that hurt and abandonment that heHi’s felt because of choosing to be who he is. For me the reason for why he’s not speaking to her is because he’s the one who’s been hurt or neglected by her, she’s trying to make amends because she knows she’s the one in the wrong and judging from her character introduction she either tried to make him stifle his wants and needs or she hurt him by betraying him in order to seem responsible and survive in life. So she’s also connected to the reality of the sacrifices people make to survive in the world and get their ambitions; the theme of the episode.

 it's interlinking to relatability of ambition, but it's also connected to the struggle and why people become who they become; flawed in the industry. And that’s why Mhok is so fascinating to this story, I think he’s a love interest to Aey, and mostly because the rules of this show is that the person who’s connected to exposing authenticity and making the other confront the truth about their selves is the reason for why love is needed and valued. Mhok is someone who knows Aey without the mask, he clearly cares and wants to do what’s right, he’s here to ensure that Aey is fine and doing well. Mhok is someone who is connected to Aey’s real self, past and hurts and he’s someone who is able to stop or call out Aey whenever he goes too far. So the question is what is Mhok’s actual ambitions, why is he doing all this for Aey/Earn, what is his goal? Right now I think he’s screaming jilted lover or he has feelings for Aey and this is how he protects him, there’s little hints he does care, he gets a little weird when Aey is flirting with Nubsib in episode 1, so he clearly doesn’t like Aey pretending or being close to Nubsib in that way. Either way he’s going to be playing the role of Aey’s calming influence/moral compass, the person who grounds him. For Aey to be so three dimensional already as a character, and maybe as a villain is again why this show is good, it’s deeper, it’s real and all the characters are fleshed out, and the plot is structured, planned and good.

The Price of Ambition

So we have this idea of characters who are making sacrifices;  very sad and unfortunately realistic sacrifices to get to their goals and ambitions, not only have they all sacrificed a piece of their authenticity to fit into this harsh environment, but they’ve had to regress their characters, their self, and mute their own voices to survive and reach the end where their dreams become real. Ambition is a real thing, we all want to get to where we goanna go, achieve our purpose, or fulfil our dreams, the reality this show portrays is true, it’s so difficult in this world to be successful and get to where you want to go, without losing your voice, without becoming full of insecurity and without feeling cold and vicious due to the abandonment, neglect and betrayals experienced during the journey. Life is never easy but at the same time, this show places a huge focus on being authentic, on still following your heart and fighting your voice to be heard, it also showcases the facets of humanity; how yes we can be flawed, we can be lost and we can become different to our values, but real self-love, genuine romantic love and hope can help us fix those things, find a way back to who we’re meant to be, but also succeed after all the effort and tries. There’s still positivity and a chance to make things right by confronting the reality of the situation, by finding our selves and knowing what we stand for. 

So, I’m not worried about Lovely writer being this toxic message of Nubsib manipulating his way and getting away with it, it’s more than just this surface BL love story, it really about watching these humane characters grow and learn. Nubsib is going to have to learn and grow and deal with truth of the industry before him and Gene can actually settle and get that happy ending, and they have a lot of trials and obstacles to deal with that will transform him, grow him and expose him to wanting to do better and wanting to take of his mask. Gene is someone who doesn’t like the shallowness and corruption of the industry and so he’s someone who’s going to go through his own journey and learn about how maybe it’s not just only the truth about the genre, I also think with a little bit self-discovery of knowing his truth and doing what he wants to do at the end. And I know this is really deep for me to be analysing this show, but I always knew Lovely writer would be relatable, and to be honest I’m shocked at how real it is, even though it’s still being disguised as a romantic comedy BL. Tee clearly had a goal of exposing and being as real as possible whilst still offering the joys and entertainment of a love story. This is all I could ever ask for in a show and a BL, I think it’s incredible where this show is going, and I can’t wait to see where things play out. Even if like the show didn’t mean to be this deep, and Nubsib ends up being like the devil or something, or this ends up truly being toxic, it was fun to see this show for now as a media piece that means something, that reflects something and makes you think about yourself, and your dreams, ambitions, and goals. And that’s something I’m grateful for.

[life-rewritten]

START UP- DREAMS: DISILLUSIONS vs DESTINY

It's starting to get exhausting dealing with the discourse in Start-up, especially when revolving around the love triangle that refused to be ceased. Heads up, whilst I'm on here analysing mostly about the relationship with Dosan and Dalmi.  I didn't have a side for a long time, I also liked Jipyeong because he was based on Cyrano, he was the guy who wrote to her soul or whatever, but the thing is, as much as I've tried to follow where the show leads me, what clues the show leaves, which Fate is supporting (Fate represents the writer's opinion as well) and why a couple deserves to be together, whilst I've tried to be unbiased, I can't help but now shift the other way to Dosan 100%. I will be infuriated and disappointed if Dalmi ends up Han Ji Pyeong, there I said it, irrationally, possessively, and harshly. And I know this won't get a lot of notes and support but who cares. This is my voice and my opinion. I have come to dislike Jipyeong a lot, fear not this is not a Jipyeong hate post, I don't have it in me to make lists of reasons for why I dislike him, but this is about episode 11-12,  our characters breakdowns from their dreams and destiny.

 All of our main characters in start-up have a dream that yes again, Fate is trying to lead them to, but sometimes their goals don't align with what Fate has for them. The characters experiences; have shaped them to see the future in one way, to want things in another, and to also feel stopped cruelly by Fate and Luck each time it's near them, however, like with Destiny and Purpose, these characters are guided by Fate with good intentions, all the plans for Fate for them are to get to them to their most significant potential and success, even if it seems like it's not for them. Everyone is guided and pushed by Fate, almost forced even, if you try to do something that isn't for you Fate harshly stops you, if you try to run away from something that is for your benefit Fate forces you to go there. 

So our 4 main characters have a destined path for them designed by Fate, its to ensure their skills, growth and talents are utilised in every way possible. This episode it seemed like everything was crashing down for our babies but really, although everyone feels defeated this storm was a push in the right direction. Here's why;

DOSAN’S DREAM: TO BE LOVED

Dosan, my Dosan, no words to explain the hurt he went through this episode. The way his dreams came crashing right in front of him, the way that the only way for him to move forward was to be on pause for a while and fulfil what the world wanted for him, to be a genius. I've written so many posts about Dosan being the person who's the most needed, used and wanted in the world of Start-Up. He's the key man remember, he's the person who everyone falls apart without him there. This episode Dosan was forced to go to the next part of his destiny, somewhere where he'd be utilised more and needed. Dosan was born to code, he was born to be a genius, not even metaphorically, or jokingly, the boy was given coding as his strength, it's automatic to him, authentic to him and is the thing that he's the most accurate at. 

Except for so long because of this Dosan resented himself, he found it useless when he couldn't make friendships or connect with people correctly, he found it useless when it came to being loved for who he was, he found it useless when it came to him trying to find meaning for why he was such a loser. For him, coding was his comfort, his tool to help wherever he can (because that's just him helpful) and the only thing he could rely on. But because of this Dosan never saw how vital his coding was, he's humble, modest and just using it to help wherever he can, he didn't notice all that coding has done for other people. 

First, it provided his friends job they were happy in; Their potential was seen (CODA and 2STO. 

It led to an accurate handwriting forgery test to detect forgery other businesses. 

It led to success with Noongil for both Dalmi's grandma and so many other people,

 It led to him also accurately helping Dalmi code for her drug recognition app, which is also crucial for everyone to use. 

Dosan is incredible, and the fact that he didn't understand why Alex would spend billions and billions to just get him is so sad, but it's good because it means he's not going to go bad. I just love him (that's me being biased). Everyone can see (apart from Jipyeong who I'll explain later), how great he is, how important he is but Dosan only wants his dreams, to be loved. 

It's like he views his coding/geniusness like a curse? It makes him awkward and struggles with everything else, and it makes him feel worthless. All he's ever wanted was to be loved for who he really is (even though being a genius is also who he is);

He wanted his dad to love him without the idea of being a genius, 

He wanted his friends to be by his side just for him, 

He wanted Dalmi to love him only as his awkward, weird and stupid Dosan self. 

His dreams from the start felt blocked because everyone tried to push him to see being a genius as his dream. His father interrupted his speech to Park Changho about what he wanted to say the obvious; winning awards etc. Dosan saw it as a  burden, guilt, and just a barrier to actually loving himself for who he is. 

DOSAN’S DESTINY; TO BE A GENIUS AND THE NAM DO SAN OF DALMI’S LETTERS

Thing is yes I get it, I get why he just thinks being loved and being happy is enough for him. But I agree with Fate as we've seen Dosan is so needed by the world for all that he can do, he's automatically the most selfless and inventive person around him, he takes dreams, ideas, and illusions and makes them real. Heck, he's a real-life manifestation of dreams (Dalmi's own dream guy). He's so incredible the way he just is, the symbol for everyone's hopes and dreams to come through; this isn't me being biased! 

 In episode 12 alone we see it; 

He brings hope as a symbol for  Youngsan's dreams; to not be seen as a failure. 

He brings the solution for Dalmi's ideas to come through because he fixes and solves the coding issue for her on the plane.

 He brings proof for Chulsan who always wanted to be seen and noticed for his skills and be recognised by going to 2STO.

He also brought ease for Dalmi's grandmum to still live comfortable although she may not be able to see. Still, he also made her dreams for granddaughter come through because he is a real-life manifestation of the guy she wanted for her. 

 He also made wishes come through for Jipyeong despite him not seeing it: he's the real-life representation which helps repay Jipyeong's debt to the grandma.  

Dosan is so needed by everyone and also the world, so he couldn't stay stuck in the sandbox with Dalmi, he had to be forced to move on for now. So his dreams (to be loved) and her dreams (her dream guy) can come true. 

DOSAN’S STORM: BEING FORCED TO GIVE IN AND SEPERATE FROM DALMI

Fate forces Dosan to become great and self-confident and see he's worthy.

That's where Alex comes through because Alex for everyone is actually the representation of Fate/Purpose, he's here to be the storm that forces them to grow. Like Dalmi said it's Fall; she's falling before she blossoms. Alex is the falling step, he's the hurt, the betrayals, the challenges before the beauty/truth is seen and appreciated. He's the fire/heat used to make the diamonds. And he did it, he pushed everyone by force to their next destinations. And he chose Dosan because he saw what we've seen, he knows how desperately the world needed Dosan's skills, how much his headquarters needed Dosan. He saw it all, and harshly had to cause reality to come so everyone grows up and pushes forward to where they need to go. 

Symbols for Dosan's conflict with his dreams, vs destiny

Follow your dreams baseball: Dosan says he doesn't want the results and the awards Fate intends to bestow on him its led him to feel lonely with no one by his side. Fate doesn't stop his dreams as he thinks but also makes him viable for them without him knowing. Yes Dalmi broke his heart, but actually, it confirmed to us pretty much he's the one she wants, she selflessly chose to let him go because of how much she loves him, and he'll keep being in her heart until he returns. It also made her realise he is the guy of her dreams (despite the fact she said he wasn't) she was lying; everything she said was the opposite, he was the guy from her dreams, but at that moment life was making her think it was an illusion. 

But in a show that is so supportive of dreams it literally is named after a place to prevent dreams from being ruined, Dalmi and Dosan will get back their dreams; its already in motion. 

DALMI'S DREAMS: TO CONTINUE HER FATHER'S LEGACY AND BE SUCCESSFUL WITH HER CHOICES; TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG/ TO BE CHOSEN

 Dalmi is someone who I absolutely love, she's determined, resilient and she's actually so bright. The thing with her so far is that we see her potential, her ideas are genius, and she also represents dreams becoming a reality that is useful and helpful for people; 

She's the one who poked Dosan in the right direction for the handwriting forgery test,

 she's the one who brought up the idea of the self relying car

 The person who brought up the idea for the drug recognition device. 

She's great. But also she has her own dreams, Dalmi's dream whilst Dosan's is to be loved, is to be chosen/wanted. From a young age, she felt slighted that her sister and her mother did not pick her and her dad, and the fact the world seemed to make fun of her choices made by her heart. She had dreams to prove to everyone that she made the right choice, that she was on the right path, but also she wanted to continue her father's legacy and dreams. She wanted to be successful with her choices. 

Her choices so far are: Her father, Dosan and being CEO of samsan tech. Each time she's been mocked, rejected by the world and hurt for her choices; 

She's mocked by her sister for staying with her dad when he was going to die, and leave her alone, and force her to be behind.

 She was rejected by the world as CEO of Samsan Tech when Alex didn't view her as useful or important, 

and she was hurt because she chose Dosan as her love interest, she was hurt because she had to let him go cruelly to be who he was supposed to be, she was meant to be left alone by him if he was to grow and become prosperous. 

In each of these, something great came out of it; her father inspired sandbox to be created, Samsan Tech was chosen by 2STO and won demo day, and Dosan was her dream guy manifested. 

 But she was the leftover, the discarded and the failure in each one. It's sad to see how much her dreams felt like disillusions, she was not the person winning from those dreams but the person those dreams did not belong to. Dalmi struggled this episode to see her self as worthy or needed. And that hurt. 

DALMI'S DESTINY: TO BE THE GIRL ON THE SWINGS; AN INSPIRATION, A LEADER AND EXCELLENT SOURCE OF HELP TO PEOPLE

Thing is Dalmi is needed. Her destiny is to be the very face of the Sandbox company. She's the original source of the inspiration of this company used to make sure everyone's dream doesn't get hurt or ruined. She's meant to represent, innovation, comfort and success. She's meant to be great, and Fate wants her to be great. She's a leader, a spark of ideas, and a catalyst to winning. She is important. And she's destined to become a great source of help to people. 

Notice the things she thinks of; its all to do with ease and helping people (like Dosan), whilst Dosan is application and manifestation, she's the innovation and inspiration to everything; 

She is the person who makes him find a way to sort out the handwriting test, 

She's the person who makes him realise how to sort out Noongil with VR and the voice activation,

 She's the person who comes up with the self relying car, 

She's the person who comes up with the drug recognition system. 

See she's already the source of creation for helping the world and making life easier for people and companies. We see what she's good at in episode 1 with her father (she comes up with ideas for him, and she stays by his side as a helping hand). In episode 2 before she quits, she was able to get her company the money needed for buying the products she knew what fangirls wanted, and she catalysed sales. She's a catalyst. So why is she being deserted by Fate?

DALMI'S STORM: BEING REJECTED AS A CEO AND FORCED TO GIVE UP ON DOSAN

Fate forces Dalmi to become self-reliant and determined, she's been given the tools, experience, the location, dream, and the people by her side she just needs to see it.

 Also, she was forced to reset, she was forced to go back and learn from her scars, remember she felt discarded by so many people, it wounded her pride and slowed her down, she was petty to her sister, and that always stopped her growth, Fate came in to force her to heal from that, to grow from that and work with her sister. Because they're both meant to fulfil her father's dream. Fate gave her the right people to use, and learn from (Dosan, Injae, Jipyeong, Sandbox owner, her father) to become who she's also meant to be. So it felt like Fall, but actually, it was for her to bloom into who she was meant to be.

If you noticed in episode 13 trailer: she has her own start up named after her father (fulfilling his legacy) she has the prototype for the car named after Dosan’s teachings (Tarzan) and she also works with Injae as well. She’s on her way to fulfilling her destiny, and Dosan needed to go for her to do so.

Symbols

Self relying car: Because those dreams aren't hers, see she's the catalyst in all of I've mentioned before, those scenarios where she's left, she's always helping others, but like her self reliant car, she needs to become self-reliant. Dosan is excellent to her he's her help, her inspiration, her guide, but she needs to grow and rely on her self, she needs to find out what her strengths are and not just rely on fantasies. Instead of dreaming it up, she needs to manifest it her self. She's now been given an opportunity without Dosan and JP input to find her own voice, where she's actually in charge and confident of what she knows.

Dosan's baseball: it was telling her to follow her dreams, not his, not JP, but hers. To do so, she needed to reset, return back to deal with her feelings, and pride and reunite with her scars and learn about her self. Dosan being there wouldn't help her at that moment. But also she returned the ball back to him: because he also needs to follow his path although he doesn't see it as his dreams; in doing what he was forced to, he'd return back to her and actually keep his promise/dream for her in episode 7 (to be wealthy and successful). 

In a way, disappearing is fulfilling both their dreams/ideas Dalmis dream guy comes back to her the way she asked him to in episode 10 (the suit), and He becomes a dream version of himself for her. She still is his dream, and he still is hers. 

It's funny how life works, it makes you face reality, but love brings fulfilment of dreams in a way you never expected it to, it's still going to get there, but you just have to climb up the mountain first before you see the view, a few obstacles to help you get to the top. 

JIPYEONG'S DREAM: TO HAVE SUCCESS AND TO BE WEALTHY; TO BE WANTED

Jipyeong is an interesting case, he starts off alone, all he dreams of when he's young is to be successful and wealthy. But I also think his dreams are similar to Dalmi's; to be chosen/wanted. He's been without anyone for so long, deserted by Fate to be alone; he's an orphan. He doesn't trust anyone because he's never known how to, everything felt difficult, and he had to fight his way out on his own. For him, clinging to logic and controlling the real world is how he survives and is successful. In fact, controlling/investing in numbers is how he got his first success, that brought him here. He's always wanted to be wanted and chosen. But he also sees success as being above others as well, because he's been looked down on so long when he was younger, he wanted a chance to be seen as important. 

In this episode everything comes crashing down for him 

He realises he's not essential; He didn't even know details about someone he claimed he cared about the grandmum and her blindness. He noticed Dosan already helped her with that not him.

He realises he's not wanted; Dalmi already wanted and was in a relationship with Dosan who he looked down on; who just proved to everyone he's wanted and actually destined for greatness and success. 

He realises he's not chosen; he stopped being seen as Samsan's Techs mentor by Yong San and everyone due to how much he belittles them and put them down. Because of this, they refused to listen to him when he tried to warn them and then he didn't try to help. He wasn't chosen by Dalmi although she thanked him for his words of advice. He wasn't chosen either by grandma because she already rejected him as Dalmi's love interest in episode 9. 

So basically everything was falling apart for him, and he also realised he wasn't a good person. Although fangirls will keep on saying the opposite, he's not a good person, he's selfish and always so focused on the surface that he doesn't look deeper or take a chance on things. It makes him an awful mentor; all he does is break people down instead of offering advice on how to move forward—a pessimistic presence. 

JIPYEONG'S DESTINY: FOUND FAMILY, TO BE WANTED DIFFERENTLY AND TO FEEL PEACE AND TRUST WITH PEOPLE. TO BE AN OLDER BROTHER TO ALL THESE CHARACTERS.

But the thing is like Jipyeong's strength has always been to do with Dalmi's grandmum. In fact, I wanted to say with Dalmi as well but not really cause he keeps crossing that line. His destiny has led him to finding someone who will choose and want him. Fate led him to Dalmi's grandmum in episode 1, it's why he was first shown, he also is being pushed by destiny to find the family he never had. It's about found family. Dalmi isn't meant to be his soulmate, she's meant to be family, just like the grandmum is like a mother figure to him. Jipyeong is meant to be loved, chosen and wanted as an older brother figure. I keep saying this, but you'll notice that's what the show has been showing, his advice only works when he's a mentor/ guidance to the group, it's like an older brother, he's meant to show them reality and berate them, but he's not meant to be the hero or the prince charming to Dalmi's rescue. 

His advice works especially for Dalmi, who needs guidance on reality. But it's for a family relationship; he's been like an older brother to Dalmi for a long time, despite the fact that he was her fantasy Dosan on paper (Dosan is the manifestation of that), but as an older brother, he's protective, caring and looks out for her in the right way, he guides her and becomes another male figure in her life that is comfort and advice after her father died. 

Jipyeong is meant to be a family member, that's why in the promo you see him finally getting his found family dream come true. He also said this was his dream/wish for his birthday he wanted a family to play go stop with; with Dalmi in his life, he's gotten a grandma, a mother figure (probably Dalmi's mum) and a sister (Dalmi). The fact that people don't see why this is what he was meant to be aiming for is funny to me. 

It's not just to Dalmi he's meant to be destined for. Its Dosan, Dosan and him are destined to form a brother bond its why Fate pushed him to Dosan from the beginning, he was meant to guide and teach Dosan how to fulfil his destiny, but he let jealousy and pettiness prevent him from being a good mentor to Dosan, he looked down on him and refused Fates call to invest and trust in Dosan. It was a mistake, and he knew it this episode. Also, he had a found family with Samsan tech, he had three people who would have been friends to him if he didn't berate them and put them down in a disrespectful manner, even Yong San is there to teach Jipyeong to humble himself. But also its Dosan and his crew who help him achieve what he wanted the most to repay his debt to grandma; they make noongil, they use his AI to make noongil, for grandma. He was just too prideful to see it. 

So Jipyeong is destined to become a good boy just like Grandma says he is like he's meant to grow to trust, and love and be chosen as a family member/ mentor. Its what he's been starved of for so long and where he's the most useful and needed.

JIPYEONG'S STORM: BEING SECOND LEAD AND FORCED TO SEE THAT HE'S WRONG ALL THE TIME AND SELFISH

Hence why his storm was exactly showing him all the ways, he failed though people didn't notice; it showed he was a horrible mentor because he didn't gain the trust and respect from his group, it showed he was an awful love interest because he was too focused on money and success to realise the girl he loved's grandma was going blind. He was against the source that was helping her, it showed he was always late, he was forced to be a second lead because Dosan has always been by her side helping and thinking of her first and foremost. Did he learn from his lesson? 

Fate forces Jipyeong to become humble, selfless, and reflective. He still isn't even close to doing so, but also to understand the value of money and greed to not look on the surface

From the trailer it seems like he still doesn't get it, he's still trying to cross that line, maybe I'm a fool, but even after three years I'm sure Dalmi brother zoned him, we'll see, but I think he's still prideful and didn't get what Fate was doing when it gave him three years to spend time with his found family. He still has a long way to go, but I'm sure he'll grow, and I'm his final fulfilment for his destiny in being a good boy would be choosing selflessly to bring Dalmi to Dosan. Because I still think that's how Fate has been using him this whole time. 

So these are the ways Fate pushed our characters to achieve their growth and become who they’re meant to be. In Jae also has her own story to tell but this was already too long and not connected to the love triangle. I’ll make her own post a review later on. But yeh I love this show, a lot of people like to call it useless, or failure to show its message, but this has always been an inpirational message about fulfilling your dreams and becoming the person you’re meant to be, how love helps that, but also how reality needs to happen for that as well. Life isn’t a bed of roses but we can always manifest and get our goals if we put enough effort and hard work into it. These characters all do that, and they all help each other grow. The love triangle may seem useless but it’s a learning point for all our character’s its a way for them to learn and change, and so I’m grateful for it. Just hopeful the writer doesn’t change her direction just because fangirls are threatning for her to make someone endgame who doesn’t deserve it. Okay that’s it. that’s the analysis for this week. Bye <3

[life-rewritten]

Tharn and Type 7 Years: The duality of TharnType and LeoFiat

Okay, let's crack on to episode 4. This is going to be Looong! Strap in.  Another episode that yes I enjoyed. This show is like returning back to an old love, it feels nostalgic, it's the best thing in the day to end with, you're excited but also scared at the same time because you've become so attached that any issues that ruin this will break your heart into pieces. And I wasn't expecting it, but I became pretty attached real fast, I fell hard again. I am so grateful for this show for bringing back that excitement, and longing because waiting for the episodes is beginning to start to hurt. 

Addressing the Complaints 

In episode 4, fans have said that this episode was another filler episode full of nonsensical scenes and purely another LeoFiat storyline, fans were upset at the lack of screen time apparently for MewGulf (who play TT).  I say apparently because that's rubbish, they still have more screen time than others. Fans also thought the plot had started to be stagnant and nothing was happening. Hmm, I can see how fans may think of the last one, because I too even after watching episode 4, felt the story was on hold; however, I wasn't angry, I was intrigued. I know that the writer of this show leaves clues, information for where her plot is going right now; Tharn and Type are on a roller coaster, everything right now keeps building up, moving up waiting till it reaches that pause before we all fall and lose our minds. Because of the angst and drama. Because it will be painful. On Today's analysis, we're going to break down The dichotomy and duality of our two prominent couples this season in episode 4; LeoFiat (LF) and TharnType (TT)

Now, this is an example of the duality of LeoFiat and TharnType. We get two scenes at the beginning of episode 4, both associated with the making of or eating cake. It's funny when I analyse some shows as sometimes I hate looking deeper into scenes that may not even be planned or aren't actually that deep. But I got irritated because people stated that it was pointless having the cake scene; one because it was censored and we didn't get a kiss from TharnType, and that's what the scene was for to them, two because why the hell is Fiat eating a cake happily so important for TharnType? 

Well, I'm here to tell you that it is essential, every dialogue in these two scenes with cake is needed as much as the shopping scenes and the long focuses on characters doing mundane things. It's actually again telling you and building up the story in subtext. TharnType the show has always been a show that uses subtext to build up the tension and show what's going on secretly below the surface, in season 1 we saw this happen the opposite, we saw the angst and the fights and the pain on the surface, but we realised the depth, the meanings, the actual psychological links of our characters in subtext. In season 2 we have this reversed, we're getting the angst and the conflict being built up in the subtext. On the surface, we see ordinary moments that seem like they hold no meaning.

 Except they do: Take the cake scene, for example, we are again shown the mindset of our characters and behaviours towards the plot of the story: The marriage conflict with TT and the Fiat's interference with TT as the villain of the show. We're shown hints again to their personalities, mindsets and behaviours. 

Let me break it down even further: 

THE MESSY THING ABOUT CAKES

Cake Scene Number 1: Tharn has woken up to make a cake for Type because it's his day off in a while. Tharn isn't a great cook, so he's made a mess of the kitchen, in order to prevent more messes and Tharn getting hurt, Type distracts him with his body and intercourse. Type then proceeds to ask Tharn out for shopping, and a date and they tease each other. 

Cake scene Number 2: Fiat is happily eating cake, Leo shows up and berates him for his messiness, and Fiat pushes it off. Leo continues to complain whilst babying Fiat, Fiat and Leo then discuss Leo's family and how Fiat likes being seen as the favourite son in that family. Fiat then convinces Leo to take him out to go shopping for shoes he wants. Leo says he'd go alone, Fiat disagrees and manipulates him into letting him go by being more baby and cute. 

Tharn and Type: 

Messes and Destruction

So why is this cake scene so important? The dialogue and behaviour! Tharn is shown to be impulsive and rash. This is repeated throughout the whole episode. It's a warning, Tharn is spontaneous; ready to do new things, step out of comfort zones despite the mess and destruction it could cause to him and his safe space. With cooking he does it because he promised Type, it's to make sure Type is comfortable on his day off because he worries about him overworking (this is also repeated for the plot of this episode). However as much as he promised to cook always for Type, we've seen twice with his cooking, that Tharn is prone to making more of a mess than something useful. We even see a pan of the camera to the counter to show how much chaos he had caused. There's a reason for why it panned out. We've seen his battles with the eggs, the first time he hurt himself and Type was over-worried, and this time he messes up and destroys the kitchen to get one egg broken for the cake. It's cute but look at the dynamics:  

Type's Protective and Reactive Nature

Type is more reactive to Tharn's hurt, mess and destruction, and he's protective over what they have and is more on the watch for the damage rather than the gesture. Tharn wanted to be romantic, but he ended up ruining it by rushing, by being impulsive, by not slowing down; the gesture is for Type and to make Type happy, at ease and comfortable but it doesn't end up like that. This is foreshadowing; the cake making is the marriage plot. The reason why Tharn wants them to be married is so he can have a stable and secure relationship with Type, to make them happy and feel safe. Still, Type is more worried about the results of marriage, the 'mess' of their relationship if people get involved with their relationship or if the marriage doesn't work out because of society's laws.  This again shows how much both of them are doing things for each other but not actually not seeing each other and understanding each other. The more Tharn pushes the more Type will be worried and overreact. This was foreshadowing.

Leo and Fiat:

Messes and Obstructions

This is the one everyone said was a waste of plot except it wasn't. Look at the first details, we see Fiat happily and messily eating a cake, he's so happy, peaceful and joyful. This is the first scene we've seen him this way so far we've seen him anxious, mean, grumpy, loud, obnoxious and just overall unstable. The reason? Because Leo wasn't there. His friends mentioned it, he himself said it to Leo in episode 3 that he was losing his mind without him there, but he didn't want to bother him since Italy was so important to him. That one minute of him eating cake and smiling peacefully is there for a reason; its to show him blissful and different, the effect of Leo on Fiat. 

He's not meant to be a devil or evil he's just a kid who is spoilt and bratty.  Fiat knows how he is with Leo, and he appreciates it, he enjoys all that Leo has done for him, and it makes him love Leo. Yes, Love, Leo. He knows about his feelings, but he pushes them down because Leo keeps pushing them aside and seeing them as nothing. I wrote a post previously (here), detailing how both Fiat and Leo have feelings for each other, Fiat has been forced to let go of those feelings because Leo keeps rejecting and sweeping past his feelings because Leo sees his love as fickle or part of his spoilt personality; for example with this scene when he replies to Fiat's confession, 'You always say you love someone to whoever pampers you all the time'. 

Leo doesn't take Fiat's feelings seriously because he thinks Fiat plays too much with people, and he doesn't want to be that to Fiat (just a game to distract him so he won't get bored). Fiat just wants to be with Leo and to be by his side at all times. For Fiat, if being friends is the only way to do so, then it is better to stay friends. That's what this scene is showing you with their dynamic and with their dialogue.

Fiat's spoilt persona

Which brings us to Fiat's childish personality. I said in my previous post, Fiat felt neglected by the people around him; his parents, his friends who see him as an annoying brat and Leo, who didn't take his feelings seriously. We find out this episode that Fiat is close to Leo's family, he's like their son they take care of, but because they live far, he still feels neglected and alone. His actual family definitely don't show him care and emotional support, but they do spoil him with materialistic stuff probably. Hence why Fiat has embraced this spoilt child persona because it gives him what he wants; his parents attention, Leo's family's attention as the favourite 'son' (basically he's babied by them and spoilt by them) and Leo's care and affection.  

In fact, this is the reason why he proceeds to eat messily like a child, he knows Leo will clean it for him, and this is why he proceeds to whine and cry and complain because it gets Leo to baby him. Fiat embraces this childish, immature, spoilt personality because it makes it easy for him to be taken care of by Leo. See the cake scene for example; his mouth got wiped by Leo, Leo brought him water and then proceeded to accept Fiat's wishes to go with him to the mall because of him acting like a baby. 

On the other hand, Fiat just wants to spend as much time as possible with Leo; it's why he was so determined to join him at the mall despite coming up with other reasons. Fiat knows he loves Leo, probably knows what it means, but Leo's constant rejection and blindness make him think it's unrequited and failed.  But one thing most important to this plot, Fiat gets what he wants by being a baby. He doesn't like when he's being neglected, so he becomes manipulative, stubborn and immature whenever he wants something. This is why he becomes our villain. Leo can calm him down, but Leo is also the person who's making Fiat more of our villain because he refuses to accept Fiat's feelings; if he had taken him seriously, we wouldn't get this conflict. Fiat needs Type to distract him from his frustrations with Leo.

Plot: Fiat and Leo have known each other for a long time, are close to each other's families, and Fiat is used to being spoilt and babied. 

IT’S A DATE!

Shopping scene Number 1: It's a date, Tharn and Type eat and Tharn tries to get the marriage conversation in again, and Type becomes a bit possessive when he notices Tharn on his phone, changes the subject and we get Tharn's work philosophy, Type tries to warn Tharn to slow down, but it ends with Tharn proceeding to hint to marriage again, Type smiles whilst rejecting it softly. 

Shopping scene Number 2: Leo is possessive and jealous about Type, he wants to ensure that Type is just a fling to Fiat, Fiat doesn't get why Leo is acting this way and proceeds to say its because he gets what he wants, its a conquest basically, Fiat distracts Leo by complaining about his legs and then Leo continues to put shoes on Fiat as Fiat stares at him lovingly.

Tharn and Type.

Tharn; The hasty and rash

Again we get a repeat of this motif. Tharn wants to rush out some plans for his work, but Type is worried about him not slowing down and waiting to see the results. Again we see this misunderstanding of each other's perspective. Tharn wants to rush work stuff because he wants to make things stable and secure for him and Type fast, so their future is safe. Type doesn't understand why Tharn doesn't focus on the now, and take things slow and be protective of his work more carefully. Tharn's business is a metaphor like the cake for their relationship. Again the reason why he's being impulsive is for Type, and again Type doesn't see the reason for it. 

This is repeated again with the shopping scene, Tharn is rash and likes to spend money without thinking, because he's used to being wealthy and spoilt, (like Fiat). Again Type is protective of finances, he's their financial planner, he thinks of the big picture. He protects their relationship from any potential signs of harm, stress or issue. We actually see him do so this episode once he discovers Nana sneaking around in Tharn's life. It's him being protective and preventive. This date scene dialogue also foreshadows what will finally get Tharn and Type to the end of the conflict; possessiveness, communication and understanding.  These are three things that get Type willing to accept the proposal;

Possessiveness

Because Type finally realises that many people are still trying to ruin him and Tharn and marriage will help him get security and stability. Because the reason why people keep doing this is that they think he and Tharn are single. He realises he needs them to be exposed to the world to avoid these minor issues. 

Communication

It's only after Tharn explains why he rushes his work style for their relationship that Type finally gets his point of view, it makes him understand more why Tharn is more eager and trying to push things, it's for their security and stability, its for Type, so he also starts to feel grateful and happy at the thought of the ring on his finger. Hence the smile. 

Understanding

It's not yet happened but its losing Tharn that would make Type understand why marriage was needed. It's through them finally reaching a breaking point that will eventually push him to accept it despite his fears.

Leo and Fiat:

Leo: The oblivious and the envious 

Fiat basically says again the reason why he acts spoilt is, so that Leo pampers him; he doesn't like the idea of Leo not doing so. Obviously, the shopping scene is vital to the plot, it introduces Leo to Type, and at first, you seem him react uncomfortably because he's guessed it's one of Fiat's 'fake' relationships, people who he flirts with and sleeps with and gets bored of quickly; a quest. He still doesn't notice Fiat asking for his feelings; Fiat asks him if he thinks he's handsome Leo walks away (again pushing his feelings to the side/overlooking them). Fiat also explains why he likes Type; because he's hard to get, and a quest, it excites him, and it makes him determined to win his heart. 

We get even more clues to this when Fiat tells Leo he's always gotten what he wanted, but he had one thing he could never get. If the audience pays attention, you'd see him pause on Leo. Leo's feelings are what he couldn't get and what he had to give up on, but he diverts it to a lie, which he says that it's wanting Leo to stop nagging him. Thing is this shows Fiat's mindset again. Leo's requited feelings are something he's tried to get, but he didn't have a chance according to his perspective. Again Fiat knows he loves Leo, you see it again when he looks at him lovingly as Leo puts the shoe on him. These two aren't seeing each other eye to eye. But yes, shopping for shoes is important to the plot.

Plot: Fiat sees Type and proceeds to be eager and ensure he can keep texting him. Fiat admits he wants to be with Type to Leo. Leo isn't happy. Tharn notices Fiat and worries but gets distracted by Type so forgets about him. 

PHONES, SOCIALS AND PICTURES 

Scene 1; The social media scene: Type and Tharn discuss Tharn's worries for Type's work and how much energy he puts into it. Tharn wants Type to be more comfortable and at ease, and sends a picture on Instagram showcasing his ownership for Tharn. Type feels happy when seeing people's reactions to Tharn until he sees that Nana has liked all of Tharn’s picture, he's worried there's a homewrecker upcoming, and asks Techno for what he knows. Techno reveals he saw Nana and Tharn together. Type becomes possessive, looks through Tharn's phone and proceeds to go confront Nana.

Scene 2: The gym scene: Fiat is happily on the phone texting Type, he sends a picture (just like Tharn) to Type and discusses his behaviours and attitudes since he started getting physical therapy. Leo gets jealous and tries to get Fiat's attention, finally asking Fiat if he sees Type as something serious, Fiat says Yes. Leo loses his cool and becomes upset. Fiat doesn't notice as he's distracted happily texting with Type. 

Tharn and Type:

Possessiveness and Preventiveness:

We see Type again lean towards marriage when he notices how happy he is when Tharn declares his ownership. But also they communicate, and Tharn tells Type he's worried about him overworking, he wants to be the one taking care of Type. Type is happy and grateful, he understands he's Tharn's number one priority. And he likes seeing people react to Tharn as a good boyfriend. But we see his fears come back, because the reason why he hates being exposed to the public, why he keeps refusing to involve people in their relationship is because of people like Nana.

Now I just want to speak about Type and Tharn's possessiveness and irrational jealousy. Obviously, people would say this is the reason for toxicity of TT except if you know the show and understand them it isn't. The way they started their relationship is enough to show you why they are so jealous of people, it wasn't to do with them not trusting each other, or being toxic and controlling. It's not to do with any of that. 

It's to do with Long. Remember him? In Season 1 Type had to go through a lot because of people's interference; San kissing Tharn, (making him finally call Tharn his boyfriend) and Tar returning and chasing after Tharn ( making him also protective and find out Long's interference causing them to break up). Finally Long had been manipulating Tharn for a very long time psychologically, emotionally and physically. Type knows Tharn is easily manipulated and easily attractive to problematic people.

 Nana is one of them, she's a flashback to all these people who tried to ruin what they had, and both TT has shown repeatedly this season are extremely overprotective of their relationship. It's not a surprise Type looks into Tharns phone and answers Nana and goes to her, he's being protective and preventive not toxic. He knows Tharn won't cheat; it's not about him; it's about as I keep repeating preventing measures that could cause harm to their relationship. Same reason why Tharn wants to get married and declare ownership, its to protect and secure their relationship. They have the same goal, just different methods. 

Leo and Fiat: 

Possessiveness and Proclamations

If you guys didn't notice Leo was mirroring Tharn is season 1 episode 2 I think. Type showed attraction to Tharn shirtless and drinking water, and the jealousy seeing him text someone else. We’ve those scenes before because we’ve seen Tharn do all that is S1. First thing to notice is; Leo is confident, he can distract Fiat. This shows you he's been doing it before, he's used to getting Fiat's attention on his body,  and he's used to getting Fiat distracted from other people, this is why he hasn't bothered with others. Because Fiat gets bored and returns back to obsessing and flirting with him. 

The problem here is Leo is too late when it comes to Type; it's his lack of presence in episode 1, 2 and 3 that led Fiat to seek comfort and trust in Type. Fiat finally found someone else to be excited about, someone else to feel inspired by and someone who makes him not bored when Leo isn't around. Fiat likes that about Type, he wants that; he's being distracted from his own feelings for Leo, he doesn't see or understand why Leo is acting out. He's too focused on his quest. And I get it, he finally has a chance to move on from Leo and still keep their friendship intact. Type is the way to do that. 

 The Problem With the Unofficial Label

This is the danger of unofficial relationships. Leo thought his comfort zone was being in this unofficial thing with Fiat. He had feelings, but he also thought Fiat wasn't going anywhere or getting distracted because he always returned back to Leo probably whining and throwing tantrums, he probably also again threw his shot and flirted heavily with Leo.

 Leo was okay keeping what they had this way (like Type was okay with keeping him and Tharn hidden), but it's only when he realises that their relationship isn't stable or secure for him to declare ownership that he reacts, he's learning just a bit too late. Fiat's entire focus has shifted to Type, and it isn't going to change any time soon. Leo has pushed Fiat away too much that now he's going to be regretting it and being hurt because of this. 

To all the people who feel bad for Leo, Fiat isn't manipulative or using Leo, he has no clue about his feelings for him, he gets hints sometimes, but it's always pushed away once Leo rejects his flirtations. If you noticed this episode before Type showed up Fiat was saying how he felt to Leo repeatedly; 

'I love you the most in the world."

"I'm handsome don't you think"'

"If I stop, won't you pamper me anymore?" 

 Each time he got rebuffed by Leo, Leo assumed Fiat was saying I love you to anyone easily as long as he was spoilt by them, he believed it was fickle and interchangeable. He walked away when he was asked if he thought he was handsome because of jealousy, and he failed to see Fiat's fear when he said the last quote. Leo doesn't see Fiat's feelings and Fiat has stopped trying to see his. Hence fixation on Type. Again this is for the plot, Fiat is a villain. After all, he's started to want to win Type's heart because he likes how he feels with him, and he's never lost a quest before. 

Plot: Type is getting closer to the idea of marriage, Nana has come into the picture. Type is determined to prevent her from doing something and goes to confront her. Fiat is also starting to fall harder for Type and has decided to pursue him. Leo, on the other hand, is also getting jealous and losing his control of his feelings and Fiat's attention. 

‘A MUNDANE PLOT AND STAGNANT STORY TELLING’ 

Three scenes with immense depth to character building mirrors from season 1 and more plot building. The plot hasn't stayed still, Tharn is more determined and closer to getting Type to accept his proposal, but he's impulsive, rash and rushes things without giving Type room to think. His brother warned him about this in the episode and its foreshadowing he needs to stop and slow things down. Give Type time! Type is possessive of what he has with Tharn and is also closer to leaning towards marriage, but if rushed, he'll panic and lose his cool. 

Fiat and Leo's plot is building, both have feelings for each other, but because Leo refuses to tell Fiat straight up or take his feelings seriously both think it's unrequited; in response, Fiat finds distraction and excitement with Type and so proceeds to focus on that conquest, he's determined to win Type's heart, but he also likes being with Type because Type seems to understand him and is just like him remember.

 Leo, on the other hand, this episode realises someone has actually taken his place in Fiat's mind and is now panicking and no longer willing to keep their relationship unofficial.

 See? Is that not a plot? We get both information and a build-up to Fiat becoming the villain, whilst again making us feel sorry for him. We get the marriage plot still ongoing, there's more manipulation to get Type to say yes, and he's close to it, but if rushed, he'll stop. There's still miscommunication and misunderstanding of each other's perspective when it comes to both our characters. The plot has not paused; it's always moving, everything was needed this episode. So all those people who keep complaining, please for the love of god calm down. 

More Tharn Type Analysis: Masterpost Check under Tharn and Type Here

[life-rewritten]

ITSAY EP 4- SELF-SABOTAGE, HINDERANCES, AND REVERSE HELPS

Warning a painful post coming. I cried so much while analysing this. A lot happened on episode 4 of ITSAY, and I've spent days trying to process. First of all, with that episode my weary heart grows hopeful for a happy ending, even if it is bittersweet, I can't see what else they could possibly do after breaking my heart into pieces. So yes I don't see deaths coming, I don't even see running away from feelings coming anymore, I feel like episode 4 fulfilled all the foreshadowing clues left, and there's nothing left now except but to wait and see the results of the exams. To fully understand the episode and relieve that whole heartbreak again, let's analyse the theme this time and this time let's look deeply at Tehs: Self-loss, regression and sabotage because of the overwhelming consequences of feelings. 

THE CONSEQUENCES OF MISTRANSLATION OF THE HEART

For me, this episode was like a cut that refused to heal. It's easy to predict most of the events that occur in this episode: Teh freaking out about his sexuality, trying to distance himself from Oh, Oh getting hurt becoming resentful, Oh becoming even more hurt when Teh finally tries to call what they have off, both become lost and confused and defeated, Teh gives up all he has for Oh, Oh rejects it and they return back to their rivalry/ their relationship regresses.

 Remember in my previous post (here) I said that Episode 1 was going to be mirrored in Episode 5, that there were so many full circle moments they could return to. Well, I think Episode 1 started to be reflected in Episode 4 with our characters: Oh and Teh have repeated a cycle again of resentment, rivalry and regression (will discuss this in my next post). They've returned back to their old state as rivals no longer friends, no longer lovers, no longer intimate. 

And it's not like Teh wanted this to happen. Teh is so lost when he's without Oh, remember he's addicted and obsessed with Oh, Oh is like the only thing that keeps him grounded and not restless. The fear of losing Oh is something that Teh can't control, it causes him to act out, to lose his mind and it causes him to try and try and try every single time to ensure it doesn't happen. But Teh forgot who Oh was, and I also did. We all screamed from the top of our lungs that Teh would give up his place for Oh but we just forgot about a specific part of that equation: Oh's reaction. I thought it'd be easy; Oh will realise too late what had occurred and Teh would have left by then and he'd run to the sunset and keep waiting for Teh, but nooo I forgot about how Resentful, Prideful and Angry Oh gets whenever he gets hurt by Teh  (shown in episode 1). But before we go into Ohs state this episode, Let's look more at Teh in detail, try and understand him more in this episode when looking at our theme.

TEH: Reverse-Help and Self-Hindrance

Again our Chinese translation lessons become a tool for foreshadowing in this episode. From the beginning of the episode as we see Teh create the tutorial guide, and try and tutor Oh, we get foreshadowing titles/translations such as the word for Reverse Help and it's further emphasised with another translation the word for being a hindrance because of trying to help. As Teh goes through his devastating, and uncontrollable self regression, he tries to go into overdrive. First, he tries to keep his promise to the two people he's torn about; 

For Tarn, he tries to retain his position as someone who loves her for 3 years, as someone who still wants what they have, as someone who is still the same .

For Oh he tries to keep the promise he made to him in episode 1 that he'd help him fulfil his dreams by tutoring.  

Tutoring Chinese Translations Whilst Mistranslating Feelings

Tutoring Oh has always been his way of trying to make things make sense, for example when Oh told him he couldn't return back to their closeness as best friends in episode 1, Teh decides to show him that he will keep working on their friendship and proceeds to help him pass the exams by tutoring. Tutoring Oh becomes an excuse for Teh with everything, to get closer to him when he doesn't want to think, to avoid underlying issues whenever things seem hectic, and to spend as much time as he can to be near Oh without having to face the implications of it. Tutoring Oh is to make Oh learn how to translate Chinese so he can pass the exam to get to the University. 

However, tutoring Oh being Teh's priority shows what he truly wants as his goals: to always be near Oh no matter what, to grow with Oh (for both of them to go the University together and fulfil their dreams) and to repay Oh for the time he hurt him when they were kids/enemies (insulting his dreams and making him self doubt). Teh puts the tutoring as a priority because he puts Oh as his number one, Ohs dreams are important to him, and that's all that matters even if things feel too much to handle. This is already why you see what happens to Teh during this episode, he starts to hyperfocus on that priority as he tries to avoid and avoid what is truly going and instead of helping all he does is make it worse: 

Here are instances in episode 4 where Teh's over helping does nothing but make things worse for him and for the people he cares about; 

TEHS REVERSE HELP TO OH

As mentioned, we have the tutoring. The whole obsession with Ohs dreams become more of an obstacle to Oh, who feels frustrated at Teh, who isn't understanding how he feels. Teh and Oh crossed the line and become more than friends after episode 3, but Teh tried to run away from Oh and then tried to pretend everything was okay. For Oh, Teh hyperfocused on the tutoring (ironic since again he's focusing only on Oh) but he was breaking and causing him to question everything because of his avoidance of the issue. 

Both Oh and Tarn had no clue where they stood with Teh, and he didn't know how to tell them how he felt, because he himself didn't know. Remember the tutoring is all about translation and as I said before the show is all about the consequences of mistranslating feelings when young. When we are young, we don't understand how strong feelings can be, how painful, how confusing (if its someone you can't be with in your perspective) or how uncontrollable. Like Teh instead of trying to listen to the heart, we revert to logic to try and explain feelings and typically that leaves us with nothing but confusion and exhaustion. The more Teh kept running away and avoiding the subject, the more he was affecting both Oh and Tarn: 

Tarn: Because she needed to study, she made it her priority that her aspirations mattered to her that's why she held of their relationship for 3 years despite liking Teh, her aspirations were more important. But now Teh was making her revert to someone who couldn't stop thinking about their attraction to each other; the more Teh led her on, the more her feelings were becoming a  hindrance to her aspirations( trying to help but being a hindrance). But again Ironic because Teh was trying to help her too, he was trying to 'do right' by her by not changing what they have, he was trying to stay by her side even though he was no longer there in the present for her. 

Oh: Because he was starting to realise that just like Teh everything revolved around him, he was beginning to become hurt, self-hating and resentful towards everyone and Teh. He was beginning to lose the zeal to keep on struggling for his exams (Teh revived his hope thus without Teh everything was beginning to seem useless), and he was starting to feel broken-hearted each time Teh avoided the situation.  Oh was realising his dependency on Teh but it frightened him because it could be gone, it could all go wrong, and Teh still had Tarn.  He was starting to be exhausted with everything because when he tried to keep his promise (to keep them a secret), Teh refused to treat it like that, Teh kept on pulling his hopes up and then destroying them, and he became tired of it. 

: The tutorial guide

This brings us to the tutorial guide. Damn, the way my heart screamed for Teh during this. One because as his mother put it, Teh spent nights, days recreating a tutorial guide with 1000 words for Oh to learn for the exam. By tearing out parts of his own revision guides, he used it to create a version that was understandable/ easy to understand. This is clearly a metaphor for what he was doing again with his over helping by tearing/ giving out parts of himself to create different versions of himself for the people he cared about, so it was easy for them to deal with his change. 

The guide was beautiful; you could see the care, the effort, the time he put into it because Tehs priority as mentioned was Oh, Ohs dream and Oh being near him. The guide represented what Teh was trying to do all episode, to make everything easy, pleasing and understanding for everyone.  Teh went into overdrive with the tutorial guide because it was the only thing he could do to again avoid and run away from what was going on, on the surface. 

Now at first, this tutorial guide seems helpful just like Tehs intentions, and it brings Oh back to him. Oh forgives him and they reunite, even proceeding to continue their relationship like before, talking, returning to their beach and doing what they wanted with each other. Except we see later at the end of the episode, all Tehs hard work was for nothing. Oh was resentful because Teh brought his hopes up once again, but refused to deal with the situation again. The tutorial guide instead of being a helping guide to Oh became a waste, it led to Oh even retreating and avoiding to study for the exam because he was heartbroken. Oh did not use the tutorial guide and did not show up for the exam. 

Meanwhile, Teh realises how much he gave to Oh that was wasted and couldn't be retrieved, for example, he later discovers he has to study for the exam only to see empty tatters of his previous revision guide (himself), he'd given everything to Oh, and it was wasted. 

Tehs acting position

This is why Teh giving up his place for Oh with the application is just so sensitive. It's romantic how much Oh is Teh's priority. From episode 1, we've gotten a repetition that getting past this application was Tehs vision, everything he wanted since he was a child. Again we see the evolution of all this; he spent so many years studying, practising, preparing for his acting dreams. His mum did all she could to show him how proud she was of him, his brother worked hard to save money to provide plane tickets and cash for his university dream. Everyone put effort into helping Teh and pushing Teh to his goal. And it's heartwrenching to see him give it all up. 

Us romanticists squealed and hoped that Oh would understand, that this was the first steps for our two to return back together. There's still the exam, we thought, Teh and Oh will reunite, they'll be together, in University, we'll run to the sunset together and scream after that is done except, instead of Oh to see it as a gift, he calls Teh out, he's insulted, he's annoyed, and he's frustrated. He's not going to accept it, he's going to relinquish it. 

Again all Teh did was a waste. And it's worse because this was the final thing he could give up for Oh to be near him, it was the last thing he could give of himself in an attempt to make things go back to normal, the final thing he could do to have Oh forgive him. And by the end, Teh is truly mentally, psychologically, and physically exhausted and gone. There's no more to give, no more to help, he lost it all, and he still couldn't figure out why. 

In an attempt to help everyone, to revert everything to normal Teh is the person who's the most broken and lost. It's to Oh on the surface with his actions, but  he's also trying to help/ impress everyone else as well:

His family: 

His mum who has made it a thing of how helpful Tehs brother has been in her life. Their father isn't here, and Tehs mum is someone who relies on her sons' dreams and actions to provide a sense of success in her life. For Teh he couldn't live up to his brother, but once he told his mother about his dreams about being an actor she rejoiced and boasted to all her friends about it; she was proud, immensely excited and driven to push him to his dreams. 

So when Teh realises that his mum will also be proud that he had a girlfriend like his brother, another form of success, he regresses back to this thoughts, he still needed Tarn to impress his mother, he was reminded of his previous goals, to impress her and be seen as equal to his brother. So he tries to keep what he and Tarn had as normal to keep making everyone around him 'happy', and 'impressed' except it led to Oh hurt. 

It's like a sad game of choices; if he chooses Oh, everyone else he's trying to impress falls apart; for example, the revelation when he decided to give up on the acting application, it wasn't just him affected, everyone had put their hopes and excitement on it, and he ended up losing their praise and support. 

In fact, he came face to face with the thing he was trying to avoid, his mother proceeds to harshly compare him with his brother (I thought she was so out of line for this) and she finally shows him that all his fears and notions on this were real. His mum had been seeing him as a failure compared to his brother it just sucked. 

If he chose them, he lost Oh again he saw that happen when he tries to revert all he had with Oh back to normal, he broke Ohs self-esteem and made Oh go into self-hate and despair. He, on the other hand, was also just as broken, confused and defeated. 

In the end, the sick game of choices, as he tried to impress everyone Teh became a shell of nothing, no support, no praise, no love (both losing Tarn and Oh) and no aims (losing his path to his dreams and his confidence). 

Self-sabotage, hindrance, and regression

So you see Teh becomes a mess because of his failure to translate his feelings correctly. The obstacles to him being able to do so causes him to try and do so in a logical way; trying to split his self and please everyone. He becomes self-sabotaging, and as Tarn tells him he only ends up hurting himself, losing everything he tried to hold on to, and he also ends up becoming a regressed version of himself with nothing to lean on (in his perspective).

 It hurts because these are the results of Internalised homophobia, the results of a society that has made people like Oh and Teh feel like they have to hide and hate who they are at a young age,  the effects of immaturity and young age; not able to understand or deal with feelings, not being able to know what they mean or able to control how we act when it comes. 

It's all consequences of falling in love so young. And as much as falling in love is worth it when you meet the one, it sucks that some LGBTQ+ have to go through obstacles and hindrances and more pain just to understand or get to the person they are meant to be with. It sucks. Thank you to ITSAY for teaching us all about this, for showing us this, for making us realise all this. 

In a way we all can end up like Teh's cut out revision guide, if we don't have enough self-love, confidence, or trust in our feelings, we can end up tearing parts of our selves, losing our selves, dreams and perceptions because of mistranslating who we are/what we want. Luckily this is all to do with age, it's okay to make mistakes and learn from it, this will now push Teh to understand and accept himself for whatever he is, and what he feels, this will open his eyes to seeing he has people by his side who won't let him fall (Hoon, and hopefully Oh) and this will make him stronger, confident and braver. And finally, hopefully, it will lead him once again to the person he loves, and they'd be able to run to the sunset together and scream that they made it. One can only hope. 

PREVIOUS ANALYSIS: PROMISES, SUNSETS AND MALE PROTAGONISTS

PREVIOUS ANALYSIS; XIN THE FOCUS OF THE HEART

[life-rewritten]

1000 Stars Ep 1-6; Tian and the Consequences of past mistakes.

This has been long coming. I’ve just been very weirdly conflicted with writing about this show because I tend to find speaking about it for hours more appropriate. But because I didn’t have time to create a video focused on this topic, I decided to write it out the way I know how. First of all this has been just an insane experience, this show is... well how  can I describe it?  It’s incredible, and not like the oh this is really good incredible, I mean like it’s mind blowing how outstanding this show is, the fact that this show is the first Thai bl show of 2021 that was original is blowing my freaking mind, it’s put a standard to everything else, it’s standard is excellence, there is no mistake, no errors, no issues with this show unless you’re someone who loves to find something wrong about something. This  show is so inspirational, representative, deep, and important in this genre. First of all it’s a unique type of storyline, it has meta everywhere, it’s incredibly filled with dimensional characters that are so human and real and make mistakes but learn and grow, and it has an incredible realistic love story brewing. Like what else can you say about this show? The cinematography? Excellent. The directing. Even more great. The acting; So incredible. Everyone who has joined to make this show mean something, mean something to me. Because this show is now my hiding place, an escape from the realities of the world, and the grim aspects of life, a show that makes me learn about the value of life, the importance of love, and just the inspiration of finding meaning to who you are and why you should be here. This show is so incredibly written and planned with so much effort, direction and energy. If GMMTV can keep on with this energy with all their other BLS this year is going to the biggest, greatest breakthrough for this genre. This show makes my Fridays. And I wanted to first start with that because it’s hard to write thoughts about this show, because there’s so much to flesh out and explain, every scene, every dialogue, every thing means something to the overall story brewing, to the subtext hidden, to the themes and messages the show is trying to teach. Everything can be explained. And I think that’s so incredible.

 So what do we have in this essay then, we have a focus on Tian, and his actions from Ep 1-6, it’s incredible how our little sunshine is finally going through self discovery and finding who he’s meant to be, also it’s just amazing to see him find his soulmate through all of this; who just means so much to him and influences all of his greatest things in life. However this show toes between the line of a really sweet love story, with some humour, some laughter, some cheesiness and flirts but also a darker, sadder and realistic portrayal of some issues in the world, and also some parts of the human psyche that represents or relates to us in some way. Whether this show is about how easily depression can make us fall into this well of self hate, and self destruction, or make us forget the value of the people around us and the value of even our selves, or this show is a message and warning to consequences of recklessness, corruption and selfishness, this show has so much to say and show whilst still presenting it in a format that’s a BL; that’s still hopeful and beautiful and sweet. And how Backaof has gone and done this is incredible to me. This essay is going to be breaking down each of the hints and clues that point to the serious aspects of the show, what are we to expect? Why is this a repeated theme in the show, what does it mean for our characters, what does it mean for us? So Let’s break down the foreshadowings and clues to  the plot twists in the show that’s upcoming and how Backaof has laid a very meta plan for each of these clues to take place.

 Tian and The Consequences of The Past

Mostly episode 5 really is the episode where these clues are hidden in subtext. So much is troubling immediately we begin the episode. We start of with a realisation that we’re being bamboozled, the show is hiding information from us, it’s twisting our perspectives on certain storylines and there’s still truths that we need to unveil to piece together. The most important connection of this story is the demise and removal of Torfun. In fact her accident is the catalyst that causes this story to begin, she’s a guide to Tian to lead him to this new renewal of life, and purpose but also she’s the family and friend to many people who have been touched by her presence, she’s also the person connected to our love interest. In so many ways her demise means a lot to the plot of the story. And it’s shocking to think that there could be more to it. It’s not just this plot that is a convenience to the story, it means more, it’s connected to every single thread of the plot, connected to the love story brewing, because it’s her heart that’s being confused at first with Tian’s feelings, it’s her presence that’s being emphasised on with Tian’s guilt of replacing her, it’s her words that’s being valued by Tian to want to be better and do more for himself, but it’s her mystery that keeps us all on edge including Tian who is slowly unveiling memories that he doesn’t want to accept. It seems like deep down Tian knows something is of about Torfun’s accident, it’s like he can’t rest, he can’t help shake when he questions his flashbacks, his memories, there’s this desperate need for him to attempt to make it up to her, to ensure she’s happy and rested with her wishes coming through, it’s such a desperate need it drives him to self sacrificial methods, he completely leaves his own needs and care for her goal to be realised. 

And it is sweet but Tian is also someone who is incredibly hurt, and destructive, he’s been so pushed into this mindset of thinking he’s not worth it, his life is not worth it, his presence is not worth it. For so long he has been shackled by the idea of deth (wrong spelling on purpose) following him all around, one day he was meant to leave the world, unexpectedly, no hopes, no dreams, no freedom from this and so he became numb to this premise of life, of value, of self care. Tian is incredibly reckless and self destructive because he lost the meaning of why he should be self protective and self loving. And it breaks my heart everytime we have to relive or even remember his state of mind in the past episodes from 1-4. Now this begins to change once he settles and realises he has meaning, and he’s needed and he’s worthy. It starts to change when he realises he wants to be protected by the man he loves, it starts to change when he’s found something to protect, his new family, friends and lover. It starts to change when he also wants to make a difference and be of importance. So Tian is finally going through this self discovery of Purpose, Love and Happiness, which are all connected to this meaning of life, that he wanted to uncover when he read Torfun’s diary at first. But as much as he is on this path, he still has remnants of his mistakes and his past mindsets that prevent him from moving forward, it eats him up with guilt, it paralyses him with fear that one day he could lose it all, but also it makes him run into the claws of danger and deth time and time again. So Episode 5 really is a map of all the dangers that Tian has to get through, connected to his own faults, flaws and development needed to be unpacked to get to his destiny/fate with Pupha. These worries and foreshadowings show a grueling yet important journey to overcome, he needs to overcome his self doubt, his self hate, his numbness to life and his guilt and shame of the past. So Let’s analyse and break down these clues.

Consequences of Recklessness

Episode 5 starts with immediately a shift, it’s a plot twist to see that Tian didn’t faint. It’s odd for me to be watching this scene in the beginning and screaming Faint please faint, why isn’t he fainting. Immediately he stands up assures Tul he’ll be okay and then proceeds to discuss about his car as his baby and pride, you know it’s a problem. The emphasis of Tul feeling uneasy brings up this worry that Tian is about to attract trouble through his lack of care for himself, and his lack of value for others and things connected to him. This is the moment we’re hit with the wave of realisation that Tian may have to deal with the consequences of his recklessness, and that means that this event is connected to the source of everything the one thing we still have questions about; Torfun and her accident. And it’s a terrifying lesson don’t get me wrong, but it’s like Tian to be reckless, he’s reckless about everything, his life, his heart, his self, he’s just constantly putting himself at risk. 

Immediately he opens his mouth and pushes for an illegal car race, we know there’s going to be consequences, this is connected to how powerful he is, (they can close the road and cover up the truth), this is connected to how corrupted his background is as we’ve seen in episode 1, how little they value others for themselves, it’s connected to the ease and way he can be privileged and thrive of chaos and get unscathed whilst people like Torfun end up victims used and forgotten. Now I’m not saying Tian is the actual person who took Torfun’s life, although he does end up in possession of her heart, he doesn’t drive and I do believe he wasn’t the one in the car, maybe in the passenger seat next to the driver, or maybe hitting another car from behind that ran into her, or Tul managing to get him out of that situation before he could be the one who caused it. But it’s still his words, his actions that lead to this accident, and that’s a terrifying fact both he and the audience has to deal with.  And this is connected of the value of life and people and how this can be lost with recklessness, and corruption  and selfishness. 

Consequences of Evasion of the Truth

Tian literally had to evade and run away from this world to go to the village to find the real meaning but it doesn’t erase his past, he has to deal with that, and I do think he will think he’s the one who is the person at fault mostly because he’s starting to get flashbacks of that event, he knows he’s hiding a secret and It’s more than just the fact that Torfun gave him his heart, it’s because deep down he’s scared he was involved in that in a different way. And this leads to Pupha and his secrets, the way he was actively trying to conceal the truth in episode 5, because of his fear of losing it all, and hurting the person he loves. The fact he’s hiding secrets means that those secrets will come to light and we do see an example of this a bit less painful when Longtae stumbles on Torfun’s diary, this is still going to be happening because Pupha still needs to know the truth and the way Tian has covered up the secrets and truth for so long means there’s consequences to hiding the truth. 

This is also another theme of the show, connected to the fact that Torfun’s accident is being covered up as just that, connected to the fact that maybe Tian’s father and mother tried so hard to evade the truth and move on and pretend nothing happened, by selling the car and forcing Tian to not think about looking for her. That’s why it’s worrying because the parents are obstacles and in my opinion are also one of the hints episode 5 leaves for us the audience to notice. Already it’s uncommon to hear that Tian’s mum isn’t as worried about him in the village, when her love for him in episode 1 is suffocating and protective, she won’t be okay with his choice to be reckless, to push his heart, to come to a place with distance, and so it’s a red flag.

Consequences of Corruption and Power

It’s a warning, his parents are connected to a plot twist, they’re going to be an obstacle because they represent right now Corruption and Power. And the consequences of corruption and power removing the value of life is also shown in episode 6 when we see our villain Sakda. In fact it’s because Tian tries to evade Corruption that we see the value of all the villagers earnings, work, life, burn so cruelly at the end. Sakda’s cruelty has no bounds, he doesn’t take the people seriously; he sees them as liabilities, obstacles, unimportant, he doesn’t value them just like Torfun was also unvalued by her aunt because of money/recklessness and also probably by Tian’s family because of corruption and power. It’s all about the darkness of privilege; the very lesson Tian is learning about and also growing away from. Episode 1 shows the stain of corruption in Tian’s life, how it suffocates him and makes him feel unsafe and unhappy in his own home, how it shrouds him in the dark compared to Torfun who found light in Pu Phan Dao. And that wine stain on his chest that carves the same length and shape as his scar is a reminder that he’s been stained and affected by that Corruption. And that’s why he tries to escape and start anew. But there are consequences and lessons of forgiveness he needs to learn, a way to relearn about his own meaning and value but also a way forgive himself and Torfun to find peace with the truth unfolded. Okay so a bit dark but this is a theme, the way corruption and the rich and power don’t care about the value of life, even in Pu Phan dao, Phupha is tagged with protecting the home, the trees, the forest because they have value, but the rich come and poach and cut down the source for the people, they misuse and scam the people because they don’t know or treat what they do as valuable. That’s why Tian as he learns about value finds a way to help the villagers regain the value of their tea leaves and more, he adds innovation and a creativity to everything to make the villagers be strong enough to know their worth and yet the rich and the corrupt manage to burn it all down in episode 6. The theme is recurring; the question is how do we come out of it with forgiveness, peace and understanding.

 Consequences of Carelessness

I can talk about this theme and the value of life linked to this show for ever. But there’s more shown in episode 6 that hints at the worrying obstacles we still have to face. There’s Social media mentioned, Tian repeatedly warns Tul to not take a photo of him, he lies to Nam about his facebook and he finds Torfun through facebook in episode 1. He’s so desperate to hide his past and his truth that maybe that’s how some of the truth will be unveiled. Social media can be easily tracked if a person has it out for him, but also Tul takes a picture with him that holds such a warning to it, it just seems important to notice as well. Because it could be Sakda who unveils it but he’s also connected to so much more. 

His power also puts Phupha at risk, because Phupha is the one tasked with preventing these type of influences hurting the village. Phupha’s job requires his life to be at risk for the value of others, the people he deems family, and the place he deems home so his job is going to also lead to him being at odds with Sakda and his minions. Especially since we have seen how violent they can get, and in episode 1 we are shown a bunch of people who are currently a danger to the forest with one escaping and boss connected to them. That’s Sakda. So if Phupha has to stop Sakda his life may be in danger as he risks it for the village but also mostly Tian who is the target of them now. 

Again that’s the consequences of Tian’s recklessness because even though it was good for him to defend the village and do what’s right, he was warned repeatedly what it could bring. And it brings Phupha’s life in danger. Especially the foreshadowing with him running in episode 6 to bring out a symbol of Phupha’s presence in his life. His actions have unfortunately led to the endangerment of the one person he wants to protect more than himself. The one person who truly shows him the value of life. That’s why episode 5 jokinly repeats also warningly that Tian is a trouble magnet, it’s a joke because it seems him being reckless and attracted to trouble is not important because with his status and privilege he can come out unscathed, however it can lead to catalysts of drama and more pain in the future. Hence again the consequence of recklessness. Tian acts before he thinks, it’s a good and bad quality, first it leads to him being brave, being determined, being creative with how he tackles solutions, it comes to him immediately at the same time packed with his self destructive mindset, at times it leads to him causing trouble and harm. This is why I say another theme to his self acceptance journey is forgiveness this is not just him learning about the best things in life, it’s also about him embracing the mistakes of his past. Because it’s only if he learns, will he become his best self, the one that loves everything about himself, and the one that can move forward and heal past scars. Also because I’m sure people are like what about Torfun our victim essentially, I think Torfun is definitely making Tian also feel this uneasiness and determination to unfold the truth for peace, she gives him permission in the episode 1 for him to take over her heart, to take care of Pupha but probably also to take care of the village. I think she’s at peace but you know we’ll see if the show mentions her again in a different manner.

Consequences of Insecurity

But this brings us to the next obstacle mentioned in Episode 5: Torfun vs Tian. Head vs Heart. Especially also connected to Phupha. From episode 3-6, Pupha and Tian have given their hearts to each other, in subtext it’s really obvious they both know how they feel however it’s always distracted by insecurities, logic, and questions in their minds. There’s a lot in their heads they have to deal with that makes it hard for them to confess. Although Tian is basically still willing to fight over those thoughts and choose him and show him he’s open. This is why I don’t think Tian fully thinks it’s him behind Torfun’s incident, mostly because if he truly thought he was behind the car he won’t let Phupha near him. He won’t forgive himself to even let love in. So I think he has inklings something is not right but he pushes down and isn’t fully aware of what happened that night. But apart from those worries, there’s more things he and Pupha deal with that is hinted in episode 5 and we see is preventing both of them  just coming out and saying what they feel.

The things in Pupha’s head vs heart

The first worry which he kind of removes in episode 6 is distance. Phupha says it in episode 5, he doesn’t want to be the reason for why Tian stays in the village and not return back for his degree in college. He doesn’t want to hold Tian back though he’s worried that him returning means he won’t come back to the village. Infact Tian returning home has been Pupha’s biggest fear since he first met him, it’s why he teased him harshly each time he saw him pre ep 3, because he didn’t want him to leave so he always angered him and tested to see how determined he wanted to stay. Because of this looming distance/long distance relationship that could occur in the future, Pupha shies away with his other insecurities and prevents himself from confessing rather keeping their relationship in this unknown stage than facing the reality of what they are. He doesn’t want to get in the way of Tian’s potential, it’s obvious Tian is finding Purpose in the village as a teacher and helper but for Pupha where people of the village dream of going to the city to get their dreams, and live a better comfortable life it’s better for Tian who’s frail, and smart to go back and unveil his potential by staying in college for however long he has to.

 But also Pupha notices Tian is secretive. This is why although it seems Tian is open to him and obviously flirting and hinting at a way to elevate their status, Pupha shies away because he has insecurities, one he still doesn’t trust how Tian sees him, there’s this idea of him being different to Tian because of age, personality, and maybe even sexuality, and he worries about all of that, what if Tian is more matched with others his age, and finds more happiness and comfort with people who speak like him and act like him, what if Tian hates strict and moody people, what if Tian isn’t queer? These are the insecurities he battles with in his head even though his heart thinks Tian may reciprocate.

The things in Tian’s head vs heart

And we know the big one for Tian is Torfun. She’s Pupha’s prized, valuable connection, someone who really meant the world to him, someone he and the village is struggling to let go of. Tian feels like an impostor holding her heart, it fills him with guilt, shame, worry about him not being worthy enough to replace her, but also to help them deal with her demise. And For Pupha especially who doesn’t have a lot of family members; who cherishes every single thing as like the most important valuable thing, he doesn’t want him to be hurt with that realisation. He doesn’t want him to compare Tian with Torfun, he doesn’t want to always see the hurt in his eyes when he looks at Tian and misses her.  

It’s also the fact he’s been lying for so long, and so that worries him even more as days go by, because he lied (as his subconscious of Pupha told him in the dream In episode 4) it makes it worse, he should have just told them immediately to take away the betrayal and the hurt. So this is all also in his head. Before he accepted his sexuality he also questioned if it was her who loved Pupha not him. Because sometimes people say things to him that makes him feel again like she’s there controlling him, or changing him to become like her etc. It’s hard for him to not think there might be a chance he likes Pupha because it’s her not him. However the most important one is the guilt of holding her heart, of basically stealing her life, he basically took the guy she loves, the job she loves, the place she loves and replaced her. So he’s not really particularly comfortable with that truth; in fact this is the reason why he’s desperate to make her wish her come through to give her some sort of validation and make her still have meaning. To also ask for her forgiveness for being the one who took her heart. That’s why I think if he’s any way close to her demise as in the accident the guilt and determination to run to the cliff and just beg her for forgiveness is even more desperate and intense. That’s what I’m dreading. Because the journey to the cliff isn’t an easy one, and if Tian desperate and reckless runs away to go make it happen what happens to his already overworked heart?

Consequences of Deth

And that’s the last thing we really have to overcome in the show, the closeness and link to deth both our characters have, like it’s insane, Phupha’s life is constantly in danger, and episode 5 reminds us of the violence of people like Sakda he has to face. Meanwhile Tian is just close to it because of a chance of his rejection, luckily episode 6 reintroduces his medicine and now Nam knows the truth, his heart may finally be taken care of well, but there’s still a chance that he’s pushed it too far, there’s still a connection to his numbness of life, and his self destructive way he sees himself when he’s filled with guilt and pain. So there’s still this tangle with this, which is worrying as we saw in episode 5, his heart is pushed so many times over the limit and in episode 6 even more when he runs into the fire forgoing his own safety yet again. So that is important to note. However I think this is just probably going to be more of a warning for Pupha though Tian’s life is also endangered by Sakda since he’s a target so it’s both, they’re both again in danger of sacrificing themselves to help the other. This doesn’t mean a sad ending I don’t even worry about that, but it’s an obstacle, it’s a consequence of the themes of the show, and another lesson for Tian to learn and grow from.

The themes of Identity, Self love, Purpose and Renewal of the meaning of life all are lessons that Mr Tian needs to learn as he discovers himself through the show. However Tian’s past doesn’t just disappear as we see mechanisms and mindsets constructed from his past environment, situations and hurts can show up as consequences, but this doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world for our couple, in fact it’s opposite, it’s a healing message of embracing your past and healing your scars, and becoming a better person knowing you’re still worth everything good despite your mistakes if you’re willing to grow and change. Knowing actions have consequences but you have a chance to learn from them and grow. It’s a self acceptance and self-forgiving journey, to embracing your fate and finding the meaning of life again. So yes in this show there’s a reason for why the characters act the way they do, there’s a reason why Tian constantly puts himself in harms way, a reason for why Pupha is the opposite and is strict and filled with order to prevent recklessness, to protect the value of people, life and more. Both Tian and Pupha come into each other’s lives to offer perspective, to help each other grow, with making Pupha embrace vulnerability and weakness of himself, and to make Tian embrace meaning of life and purpose and love; all the things he thought he had lost. So yeh Episode 5 was a rollercoaster, I kept on smiling but then worrying each time below the surface another clue popped up showing we still have a lot of obstacles to deal with. But if we don’t have these obstacles then these real life messages and call outs won’t matter, we need to see the price of privilege, we need to see the consequence of recklessness, the selfishness of corruption and how it can bring  harm to others, we need to know why it’s important to value your self, and know your truth, and fall in love, So we’ll be fine, this show is incredible already and it deals with everything well. No matter what theories we have Backaof has a full map for how everything ties together in his head, how Tian deals with his guilt, how he confronts his parents, how he chooses Pupha overall, we’ll see it all unfold. It’d be a journey, sometimes painful but we’ll come out smiling. Anyway here’s the analysis of the consequences and dangers in the show. Let’s discuss? What are your theories? How do you feel about the show? Let me know. Ciao.

[life-rewritten]

The Gifted Graduation Series: An Ode to Pang and Wave’s love

As much as I try hard not to fangirl in this blog, and try to focus on just analysis and theories when it comes to this show. This time  I can't help it, when it comes to this show I always wonder if I should call it a Thai bl? Or if I should just accept that it isn't and move on, but then they give me these two's interaction, and then I'm a mess screaming there's no way Gifted is not a BL series. You don't need kisses or explicit confirmations of love between two men for a show to be a BL for me; I call Great Man Academy a BL and it's a gender bender, but it's still a BL for me. Why can't I do the same with Gifted the series? Because honestly the love of Pang and Wave may not be canon / confirmed as a romance, but for me, there's nothing else to explain it? I've tried using the oh they're best friends who are soulmates line, but like that's even more of a reason why they're in love, it's not like they get mirror images to other BL couple scenes right? (but then we get the earphones sharing thing which was the same as Sarawatine in 2gether the series, PhuKao in oxygen the series), it's not like they're proclaiming out to each other how much they'd die for each other? (but then we have Wave going to sacrifice himself with a virus that could potentially kill him and take away his powers just so Pang stays safe and then Pang doing the same in order to protect him), it's not like they tell each other every day how much the other person means to them (but then you have Wave saying he's so stupid for never giving up on Pang) and it's like wait for what? This has to be love, this has to be romantic love, I can have many best friends, but I don't think I'd lean close to their face inches from kissing and say that I would gladly give everything, my life, my ideals, my hopes and dreams just so they can stay by my side forever maybe its cause I'm a lousy friend who knows? 

But when I see that kind of soulmate, passionate and unconditional love my brain goes into overdrive. These two are made for each other if they were a boy and a girl (in this heterosexual forced society we're in) this would be the ultimate power couple heck we'd have seen them already make out by now multiple times. So let me just have this okay? Let me just write an ode to one of the greatest ships in NON-Thai BL history, and let me explain to you why The gifted series is a BL to me even if Pang and Wave don't end up on the rooftops telling each other how in love they are. I'm fine with that, in my head, they've already passed that stage and are lovers,  on their way to defeating evil and saving the world and staying together for the rest of their lives. Let's begin

Let's look at episode 10-11 in the Gifted Graduation before I keep on writing essays about these two's dynamic—the Virus.

THE VIRUS

You know what Pang and Wave have is special, and obvious when even the villain who is a psychopath can see that Wave is Pang's weak link. Supot threatens the other students, so they don't hide Pang's whereabouts, but he ensures that he gives a long side-eye to Wave, he smirks like he already has a plan for him, like he already knows what's about to happen, like he already understands that Wave is no longer the Wave in season 1 who'd sacrifice everything to ensure he's safe and his powers are still intact, but Wave is now Pang's 'friend', the Wave that will sacrifice everything even if it means he's hurt for Pang. And low and behold Supot confirms this with glee later on. It wasn't even a possibility for Wave to betray Pang. For Supot it was a done deal, that he had found a way to secure Pang under his control. That reason was Wave.

REASONS FOR WHY WAVE TOOK THE VIRUS:

Because he can't betray Pang, that's an apparent reason. But it's more than that; at this moment Pang has shown that his idealism for the better world is a failure, he ended up doing the opposite and actually was the cause of Supot taking over the school system and being the messed up dictator that he is. Pang is the person who set his plans in motion. Wave should be furious, should be doubtful, should be tired, but no, one thing stays the same. He won't give up on Pang no matter what. Don't get him wrong he is furious, doubtful and annoyed, he even shouts to Pang this episode that he's so stupid for never giving up on him, for always wanting to save him, for always wanting him to be right. And if you know Wave who is the very optimum of knowledge and logic, him choosing to go against everything that is presented in front of him just to keep on believing in Pang is insane, his undying love and loyalty for Pang can't be broken. And he knows it, and he laments about it, but you know what he's okay with it as long as Pang is safe.

Because he was guessing how Pang was feeling after everything that happened. He could already see what happens next; Pang would be so exhausted, mentally and physically drained, and probably on the verge of giving up and choosing to end all his hopes and beliefs. He knew precisely how Pang would feel, so he took drastic measures, the only thing that could bring Pang up to his feet was if someone he cared about was hurt or in danger of being hurt by Supot. He took the Virus so Pang will get up and stop moping and hiding and do something. He believed that what they had would cause Pang to switch on and be determined to help again. It was the only way he could do that. And for Wave, Pang's spirit, idealism, and optimism were more needed than his own potential. Pang was his most trusted hope for the future, so he gave everything to ensure he didn't lose that. 

Because he trusts Pang will find a cure. Because it's Pang. No matter what they've been through because Wave believes so much in Pang's potential and power, he knows that they'd be fine. It doesn't matter how many times they've failed before, it doesn't matter if the world is cruel and manipulative, it doesn't matter if people betray others, and change their philosophies, because, for Wave, Pang is his rock, Pang will keep fighting for what's right and one day he'll win because he's right. Wave has watched Pang fail and fail time and time again, but he always believes that as long as they're together, they're still hoping, and they still care, they'll be fine. Because Pang showed him why trust and unity are worth it. That's why in episode 4 he doesn't get shaken by Time betraying them he's just like, but we'll win. Because Pang is to him, his winner, if Pang cares and fights for it, Wave will be okay, and he'll be cured again. Because it's Pang, Pang will end up saving the world, and the gifted and Pang will be proven right. That's why although he feels stupid, Pang is the only thing he can't let go of in his mind otherwise his world would crumble; he'll be broken down, and his hope will be shattered, and he doesn't want to be that way like he was in Season 1. For him, Pang is his strength, so giving up his powers, his life, or his logic doesn't faze him because he'll be okay if Pang is still fighting for him to be. 

THE REASON FOR PANG’S UNWAVERING FAITH

Let's look at what Wave is to Pang because I've already been repeating over and over again what Pang is to Wave (his strength, trust, hope etc.). Before we do that, let's analyse Pang's relationships when it comes to his idealism for a better world. His anchors should I call it, the people who make him still want to fight for a better world etc. 

His friends/colleagues: From season 1, Pang got to be close to everyone, he became a leader for all of the gifted students in his year. He was the one who managed to convince them to fight for what's right. He had them as his team supporting and holding him up, and as we see in season 2, their hopes become frail, they become weak, and they can't keep up with their optimism as the world seems so dim and bleak. His friends trust and hope in him is what makes him determined to be a good leader. It's because of protecting them that he also gives into Supot this episode (after Wave) because he doesn't want them hurt or controlled in that way. They're his bargain chip for Supot. And luckily we see that because Pang is now weaker and controlled by Supot they've taken on the role to ensure that his vision for the world comes through, they've decided to trust no matter what in themselves and him to make sure his hopes comes through. 

The students in danger: For Pang, he's the reason why Supot regained his control, and it kills him inside, so he gives up to protect everyone. Pang cares so much about what's right, and people. Equality for people is why he started his fight for a better system, and in this season seeing students be used as lab rats for a virus was very unsettling for him, it's because of this he trusted Supot because he had a way to cure them. The students are his source of determination. he wants to protect everyone and ensure everyone is safe. But now it looks like he's failed with that. However, I don't think, so he probably is still determined now he has Wave by his side (haha) because they're still being used and that's not okay to him he's just secretly looking for a new way to save them.

Grace, Third and Time:  The next people that make him want to fight and stay true to his vision is the new generation of gifted who he's come to have to protect as well. Grace, Third and Time represent Pang, Wave and the other gifted students, like Pang they're determined to do what's right, they're optimistic. They don't care about the system, they are willing to fight and advocate for justice and equality. And they look up to him so much, he's their idol because he's inspired them to take on the system and fight for their beliefs. That's why we see them continue to keep on finding ways using their potentials to keep this vision alive. Grace doesn't care about adults, she really appreciates and is grateful for Pang for fighting for all the students, she's seen her friends (and thought one was dead) be used as experiments for this messed up system so yes she believes and wants Pang to be right. And Time started of doubting Pang's ideals, but now he also sees that Pang was right Supot is insane and evil, so he's even more determined to protect and help Pang to defeat Supot. Third likes doing what's right so he also believes in Pang because he can see for now that what Supot is doing isn't right. The new generation of gifted students is more determined now to keep Pang's vision, especially when they now know that change is possible. I'm sure Grace has already convinced Pang and Wave of a new secret way to ensure they have their vision come through, we just won't find out until the end when Supot is blindsided. 

WAVE PANG’S FLOAT AND ANCHOR

And then finally there's Wave: See he has his own category for Pang's anchor. Wave is Pang's most needed anchor. He represents Pang's determination, loyalty, and faith in a better world, just like Pang's unwavering loyalty to his idealism for change, Wave returns that back to Pang, he's literally the symbol for Pang's anchor to his idealism. He's his biggest mission accomplice, his anchor when things seem stormy (the person who grounds him and wakes him up from giving up, so he starts finding a new solution, he's the person who reminded Pang of who he was when he lost himself and his memories at the end of season 1, he's the person who's the most loyal to Pang this whole season no matter what happens and he's the person who is determined to believe that they will succeed and fuels Pang with optimism). 

He's his float when Pang is drowning, he's the person who reaches out to Pang as he finally wants to fall and give up, the person who gets Pang back up because of his actions, the person who Pang thinks of first when he's being controlled or tempted by Supot, he's Pang's moral compass, a reminder to stay true to his path, and to keep fighting. 

Wave is everything to Pang and more, he's Pang's truest source of hope and light when everything feels dark and impossible. He's also Pang's strength. And that's why Pang runs to him every single time it's time to do something for the mission (Wave thinks he's just a tool but he doesn't understand how much Pang needs him to just be there). And because of his knowledge as well he's Pang's guide, and logic because sometimes Pang can get too up in the clouds and so he needs someone to bring him back down. Wave does both, he calls out Pang when he's too selfish and dreamy, and he pulls Pang up when he's being too pessimistic and hopeless. He's Pang's steadfast anchor no other person will do. He's his helper, his person, his confidant, his advice and his brains, no one else.

THE FATED PAIR

But there's also a fated/destined vibe with these two. They're fated to be together. Because in Gifted Graduation there's the fated pairs, two people opposite and partners who want to bring a change to the world. We have Supot and Yuth, we have Chanon and Pom, we have Wave and Pang, and we have Time and Third. The similarities between the fated pairs is another post, but its there on purpose, and so is their different paths/changes that occur in their dynamics. Wave and Pang are the most robust destined pair. One of the teams has the brains, information, the logic and the other has the idealism, the idea, the vision, the hope—each pair start of trusting each other, loyal by default and sacrificial as well for the other. 

For Supot/Yuth: Yuth believes wholeheartedly in his friendship with Supot, he stays hurt and abused so that his dreams and his revenge for Supot's death isn't wasted, he refuses to give up on his vision because he believed it was also Supots. So he's delighted, and over the moon when he realises that Supot is alive, and he thinks its a sign that they'll win. So these two represent Wave and Pang's loyalty and belief in each other. The only issue is, Supot is a psychopath, unfeeling when it comes to his goals, so he ends up destroying his friend out of petty jealousy and also greed and ego. 

Chanon/Pom: Chanon had hopes and ambition to push Pom to become a great teacher, to fulfil his biggest dreams, Channon was Poms inspiration and source of hope. Pom was Chanon's confidant and partner in crime. So they represent Wave and Pang's push, and inspiration to each other, except Pom, betrays Chanon when the world seems like its crumbling down. Chanon crosses Pom for revenge because of being traumatised by the world/Supot. Their trust and hope in each other are damaged. But Pang and Wave's is never going to be damaged. 

Third/Time: Our newbies, they also start off being under each other's skin but automatically becoming each other's best friend, once Third gets his hope of becoming in the gifted program (because of Time's fight for it), he's grateful and loyal. Time is also appreciative for Third because he does what's right, but also he provides information (through his potential) to help their group survive. These two are just starting, but they represent the origins of Wave and Pang, that uncontrollable fate pulling them together to be a team no matter what. That destiny that ensures they find each other even if they hate each other to automatically start saving the world together no matter what. 

WAVE AND PANG: PERFECTLY MATCHED

So Episode 10-11 Pang may be shattered right now with hope. Still, all the people he's inspired, all his anchors and reason for fighting are about to help and bring his vision back, and they'll finally show him how right he was to fight for them. How helpful he was to them and how he really did save all of them despite failing time and time again. But the funny thing is, it's Wave who's right there by his side as he's broken down. They're both right now sacrificing everything for each other. 

Wave is holding Pang up as he is being under the director's control; he's the reason why Pang hasn't yet given in to evil because he's his moral compass in his head whenever he is being forced to do so. Pang and Wave stop each other from evil by just being there, they just need to show up by each other's side for them to want to trust and hope again that things will be okay. They save each other time and time again. 

They're each other's opposite; teaching what they need to know, perfectly matched to help them improve from their flaws, Pang teaches Wave to trust and be more open to caring about others than himself, he pushes his walls down to believe again in feelings. Wave helps Pang be grounded and come back to reality, to look after others properly and to be selfless and be a good leader. They're logic and emotions a perfect match.  

See why this is a BL? Why I'm shipping these two so hard. It's enviable to see what these two have formed. It makes me so jealous but also so giddy and just grateful that we have a couple like them despite not being stated as one. For me, these two are in love, these two have a bond that is unbreakable, and these two are soulmates destined for each other. They're the power couple who will save the world time and time again as long as they have each other, as long as they save each to other and as long as they keep on loving each other. As much as I couldn't analyse anything else this episode but these two, I will say that I don't believe these two have given up on their vision, they're probably secretly up to something, or they'll be pushed back to their hopes and idealisms next episode when they see all their peers fighting for them to trust again. As long as these two are together, they'll be fine. And so will the ending of the show, Supot will be defeated, he just doesn't know it yet. 

[life-rewritten]

Manner of D*eath (MOD); The Little Mermaid and The Warped Prince

This is a fun one, I promise. MOD  continues to be a ride with excitement, worries, and more questions to bring. But you know what after major rewatching and analysis, I have come to terms with how I think the story will go—the whole reason one; word Little Mermaid. I've written a past suspect list (here) before about who I thought the culprit is from episode 1. There's been a few changes to that, but I think I can finally guess who the culprit is that took Jane's life. And it's because of this foreshadowing with Little Mermaid. I'll explain even more. Little Mermaid not only helps me bring up my final suspects, but I also think it is a base for the romantic relationships in the show as well. So without further ado, let's dive into this analysis.

When writing my suspect list, I stated that there were many apparent hints to who the suspect is and why they could possibly do it. I didn't want to believe in my simple theory because it seemed too easy to guess and too simple to be. But after thinking about it, I also said that it's not about who's the suspect that matters but how we get to that information. The show has littered many plotlines making sure we don't feel comfortable about our feelings on who we think the suspect is. We've questioned Tan's involvement, That, Pued, The Mayor, Jane her self and others. So even though the suspect may be easy to guess I think with the way the writers and director made us go through loops slowly revealing the information and leaving some clues that can't be fully vouched for, or 100% agreed on, the reveal will still be shocking and fun to see how it unveils and ends, and there might be a forgotten person that surprises me. The issue I had with the show at first since I hate mysteries was if the plot wouldn't leave enough clues or subtext for us to understand what's going on and the reveal will be out of nowhere. But to my surprise, Jane already mentioned who killed her and why because of her mention of one book Little Mermaid. Let me explain more;

The warped Prince and the Little Mermaid

Little Mermaid, not the Disney one, the one (apparently an allegory to a gay unrequited love by the writer who is also important later for the base of the couples) where we have a depressing ending, betrayals and sacrifice. Here is a summary of that one, and the things we should focus on when reading it.

 Little Mermaid is about Ariel (that's not her name in the original, but I'm going to call her that), Ariel falls in love with the prince after saving him. She is determined to be with him and lets her self be changed to human to join his world, there's a list of rules, she has to be mute, she can't return back to the human world once she takes the potion, and she must make the prince fall in love with her. She goes through a lot of pain once she takes the potion, reunites with the prince who never saw the girl who saved him but someone else, if she wins the heart of the prince she'll obtain a soul, but if he marries someone else she will die with a broken heart and dissolve into sea foam. Alright great, so you're starting to see the difference with the Disney one right? Let's keep going. 

 The prince begins to like being with  Ariel, who is beautiful; their relationship becomes the best. Still, he does not have feelings for her romantically (I know I was shocked, why haven't I read the full story of this before. Poor Ariel she got friend-zoned) But the sad thing is the prince does love Ariel (the girl who saved him that he can't remember). He believes that the person who saved his life is a girl from the temple, the girl who found him when he woke up (sigh), so when his family tells him to marry the temple girl, the prince agrees. All of Ariel's sacrifice goes in vain. She is broken and is denoted by her sisters to eliminate the prince in vengeance to come back to the sea. However she can't do it, she loves him too much, and so she ends her self instead. Luckily the story doesn't end all too bad for Ariel; she obtains an immortal soul and goes up to heaven for her love and selflessness. The end.  

You're probably wondering why on earth I had to read this out to you. But bare with me, listen to the things that you need to see: 

The Little Mermaid sacrifices her self to get to the world of the prince. Her love for him makes her willing to be in pain, bleeding on her feet, stay mute, and lose her home because of him.

The prince is not in love with the little Mermaid despite her sacrifice. He loved the temple girl because he thought she was the person who saved him, and he was pressured into marriage with her by his family too. There's a love triangle.

The little Mermaid feels betrayal at the reveal of who the prince loves. She is forced to wait for death because she cannot speak or go home. 

The little Mermaid is told to get revenge by her sisters and get rid of the prince. But she wants to do the right thing.

She dies for love and selflessness.  

Are you seeing where I'm going with this? Let's look at Jane and how she fits this storyline.

Sacrificing her self for love; 

One of the biggest reveals of the show is that Jane was in love and happy with Pued. They had been a couple that was the talk of the town until one day they weren't. Jane went through a miscarriage that got her to fall into depression. No one knew why or understood why she and Pued ended. We discover that Pued coerced Jane into selling her body to the mayor and others so that he could stay prosecutor and have power. 

One, Pued is a warped version of the prince. The prince was indebted to Ariel for his life just as Pued was indebted to Jane for her acceptance to help him stay in power. Pued viewed his wealth and power as his life. Second, Jane let her self get assaulted, drugged and abused to make sure her boyfriend stayed on his throne. This is the same as the little Mermaid who lost everything of her, her tails were transformed forcefully (bleeding each time) to legs, and she had to deal with that on her own, she lost her voice, and she also lost her home. She gave up everything for the prince. 

It gets worse, Jane got pregnant and was forced to bleed (see the visual?) through her legs by getting a miscarriage. Pued and her broke up then. We can assume, she wasn't okay with what happened and her depression consumed her, I think there's more to it. Just as Ariel lost her voice and right to speak (her tongue was also taken, I know right? this story is wild ), Jane was forced to keep quiet by the higher-ups and the world of Pued. 

Now let's pause, Ariel had to lose her world and her home to go into the prince's. Pued's world was the same as Tan and Por; it was the mafia organisation. This probably was funded and supported by the mayor and the corruption of the justice system. The organisation put each of its members in a high position of power and status as long as they did something for them. Tan is Dam; he's a puppet as I wrote about in my past essay. He didn't mean to go into this life, but his mother wasn't alive, and his father was the one who roped him into taking care of his brother Pued. It's important to see why Tan had to hide and help Pued go into hiding. He didn't know the full details; he was told something different by Pued. I will explain what I think he thought was the reason soon.  Like the little Mermaid for love, Jane joins Pued's world of corruption without knowing how deep and dangerous it was.  She only notices the errors of her ways when another girl is eliminated due to mishap with the miscarriage, and that's Nat. She couldn't as a teacher stay still anymore. But it's more than that as well. Although she's a martyr, I think she also wanted revenge. Why? Let's go into point two.

2 There's a love triangle

You didn't see this one coming, did you? I mean I'm guessing people are starting to jump on the train with this. The first time we saw Jane, she was with Tan, so we assumed the love triangle was between her, Pued and Tan. This was further hinted at when Tan punches Pued because of how he grabs her and spoke to her (we didn't know). Tan protected Jane like a  girlfriend, but he didn't show any signs of remorse when she was removed. He went and covered up the truth instead. Still, moments after her demise, he speaks fondly of her she and him were friends, he did care about her and did miss her despite needing to ensure why she left was hidden. 

He's just a puppet under Pued's lies and instructions. The other love triangle was foreshadowing what we thought in episode 1; Tan, Bun and Jane. Bun thought Tan was straight, and in a relationship, we saw him go through remorse and sadness when he discovered the guy he wanted was already taken by his best friend. However, this love triangle isn't the reason why Jane took her life (or why she was removed because of love). There's one more we haven't seen, but it's been there. And it's upsetting and frustrating. In my first episode 1 suspect list, I wrote that Rutingwa was not to be trusted, but I was going to trust her for now because I didn't understand how she could be the one to pull Jane up the rope etc. However, I did notice her overreactions and over emotions when she walked in and saw her sisters demise. She was in the same clothes as the day before at the event. I found it odd.

 The second thing I called out and remembered is the terrorising of Bun only started to happen when she ominously asked him to keep updating her on her sisters MOD, Bun had gone to her first to say the MOD wasn't sui*cide, but it was actually mu*rder. Lastly, she again showed even more interest and anger once she discovered how the cops were hiding her sisters MOD (it's a red herring she couldn't care less, I'll explain soon) and she vowed to find out what happened. In the current episodes, she showed up again determined to know what Bun knew about the case, and she claimed she didn't know about her sister's reasons for depression. 

She didn't know anything about Pued and her sister's relationship just what others know.  So here is where you hear it from me first; Rutingwa is the person who is the suspect. I'll explain how she did it and how she is involved. But she's the temple girl, the person who misleads the prince into thinking she saved him. If the prince is warped in the show as Pued, then the temple girl is also warped. And it's the biggest betrayal. See why I think Jane had more reasons for why she was desperate to reveal the truth. She wanted to do it for justice (selflessness of the Mermaid) but because of revenge. The prince chose a girl from his world, and I think Runtingwa is also part of the corruption ring, and she is aware of it. 

3 The mermaid victim

Ariel, once she discovers the prince's betrayal at first isn't angry at him. She's just depressed, she cries and cries and waits for her demise. However, that's important to note because Jane also went through her fair share of depression. The reason why Ariel cried was because of loss of her self, and the sacrifices she made for this man, she felt stupid, heartbroken and defeated. She understood he didn't love her, but it felt like she had wasted everything for him. The reason why Jane went into depression in my theory is that she found out about Runtigwa and Pued. 

Her depression stemmed from her miscarriage, but she started to want to say the truth, the reason why she stayed with Tan to be protected because she knew of her sister's betrayal. She may have found out during the period of her depression and Pued may have told her it wasn't the case, but I think what drove her the most to want to reveal the truth at first was revenge. What led to her demise was confronting both Rutingwa and Pued that same night after discovering the truth. However, she kept quiet at first because of Pued telling her not to say anything, and the higher-ups threatening her to be quiet. I believe Pued made Tan keep an eye on her (he didn't know the real reason). 

4 Vengeance and Selflessness

But it's more than just the anger at the betrayal that probably made her break up with Pued. It was also the other factors. She knew what was happening to Nat and she couldn't say anything. She knew about the world of corruption and how it was taking her students and others, and she had kept quiet not because of love but because of fear, once Nat was hurt by the botched miscarriage, she couldn't stay silent anymore. 

I believe she not only uncovered the betrayal of her sister which led her to more anger and determination, to tell the truth, but her sense of responsibility as a teacher made her feel it was no longer acceptable. This is her little Mermaid's choice to be selfless. Instead of choosing to hurt the .prince at first after her sadness (she didn't choose to say something because of the betrayal at the end,  but she had the thought and probably started to gather evidence then), she decided to put her self in danger and unveil the truth about the corruption. (hence risking her life).

 The only issue is because of love for Pued she told him what she was going to do. He didn't take it lightly and warned her not to. She realised who he really was and he lost his temper and hurt her.  Remember that Ariel wants to get rid of the prince because her sisters give her that idea, just like removing the girls she cared about made Jane more determined, to tell the truth.  This is why Tan came and punched him; he didn't like what his brother said or did, even if he has to be a puppet Jane was his friend. This again shows you Tan didn't know what was really going on; he had to follow orders underneath Pued begrudgingly. The reason why he thought he had to cover up Jane's MOD was because he was misled. 

I won't be surprised if he knew about Runtingwa and Pued's affair and that's what he thought Jane was going to unveil and why Pued told him to keep an eye on her. He knew Pued was involved in Jane's demise, but he thought because her MOD would reveal the organisation he has to hide and protect his family, he had to keep their jobs intact. He was a puppet under orders which only started to realise the gravity of the situation once he fell for Bun. 

5 D*ying for love and selflessness 

So Jane, like the little Mermaid, decided to sacrifice her self and reputation. She decided to expose the higher-ups. However, on that night, she didn't expect that Pued would follow through with his warnings and come and try and convince her. Remember how I said I didn't know how Rutingwa would do all this to her sister, or where she got the strength to hang her sister? (Not that women can't be strong) it's because I think she and Pued both got rid of Jane. Now despite Pued being warped and cruel to Jane, I still think parts of him cared for her. The prince cared and felt indebted to the Mermaid; he saw her as a close friend. I don't think Pued meant to end her life. I think he went to warn her and scare her to stop like he made Tan do to Bun. 

I think Rutingwa, however, is the one who convinced him to make her demise look self-inflicted (trying to avoid words is so hard but I have to use all these synonyms not to get flagged on Tumblr haha). Rutingwa knew about Jane's MOD; she was involved in it; she also came to warn her sister. She even stuck by Bun's side to ensure evidence was taken care of, to keep him quiet by snitching. 

Pued went into hiding to avoid being seen as a suspect he faked his kidnap. Rutingwa could get away with hers by feigning ignorance. Now I really tried so hard to prevent a girl from being a villain in another BL, but I think Rutingwa is a brilliant villain. She has shown that she's heartless and determined to get her way if she is the villain. She's a plot twist because she's been hidden under layers and layers of other red herrings as we uncover the plot, and she and Pued hardly interact. When she feigned her ignorance about her sister's condition, it made sense to us seeing her fight for the police to expose her sisters MOD, but that's because she knew he was one of the corrupted people involved. They had planned to get Bun of their case. To make her self seem innocent. It's fantastic. 

The most obvious clue is that she is the closest person to the victim, just like Bun said in episode 1; it's always the ones closest to the victims that are the suspect, he just didn't deep how close it was, he was right it was her boyfriend, but it also was her sister who was putting on a show, in clothes she wore the night before and was acting naive about her sister's depression and spiral to her demise. Rutingwa is someone to keep an eye on. She'll go to lengths to be seen as innocent, and I think she's the main head of this, not Pued. Pued is just as Jane said spineless and weak, he's just spoilt and wanted to stay in power, he didn't care about Jane enough because he was in love with Rutingwa and they both sacrificed her to let him stay in his position and she in hers as his lover. It's messed up, but hey it's a brilliant plot. 

To Love or Not to Love: Little Mermaid a foreshadowing device for the couples 

So that's the first way the little Mermaid is connected to the foreshadowing of the plot. The second is the base of the romantic couples.

Two worlds apart; the little Mermaid and the prince are prevented from being together because of separate worlds until she joins him sacrificing her self and voice and then life for him to be there. 

To k*ill or not to k*ill. After discovering his betrayal, the Mermaid has to choose to save herself, go back to her world, or leave for love. She decides to sacrifice her life for love.

Misunderstandings and Regrets: The prince misunderstood the temple girl as his saviour he couldn't move on from that mindset, and so he didn't let himself love Ariel. Until the end, he never knew Ariel was the one he truly loved. 

Two worlds apart: Justice vs Corruption

As you can see, one of the themes of the love stories with everyone who is in a romantic relationship on the show (not the subtext ones) is being two worlds apart. Let me explain. 

Jane is torn by her ethics as a teacher vs her love for Pued, and she chooses to sacrifice her self to get to his world and be with him. 

Bun is torn by his morals as a pathologist and determination for justice ( due to past experiences with the police) vs his love for Tan who is part of an organisation that does crime and is linked to corruption. He sacrifices his suspicions and fears to get to his world and be with him despite being afraid he could be just like the people he hates. 

Sorowit is torn by his innocence and also determination for justice to his friends vs his blooming love for Tat who is connected to violence and the corruption ring that hurts him. He sacrifices his worries and resentments (because Tat even injured him when they first interacted for his friend) to get to his world and be with him. 

In all these love stories, the characters end up unveiling a betrayal, which makes them feel used with wasted hearts and love because their love was never real. In my theory, Jane discovers that Pued is not just spineless and heartless, but he also didn't love her, he loved her sister, and before she could do what was right she was eliminated. 

Bun has to come to terms that Tan may be the suspect and has lied and used him just to hide the evidence and the truth. Their love was never real, and he wasted his trust and heart on him. Sorowit will also come to the same terms when he discovers that Tat may be working for someone who knew about the corruption that is affecting all his close friends and Jane. (Nam, Nat, Jane). He also would force himself to question if Tat has a heart because of how cruel he can be. Bun is the person to warn him about Tat. 

Whilst Pued is warped prince, That and Tan are puppets forced to follow orders of an organisation that they can't escape. Without meaning, they both fall in love with Bun and Sorowit despite the danger and the fact that they're meant to stay emotionless and unfeeling since all they can do is be loyal to the organisation to remain taken care of. Tan has had no choice in the matter, and because Tat works for him, he also didn't have a choice and was probably forced into it at a young age. 

2 To maim or not to maim. 

The issue is that all couples had entered a dangerous situation, in order for one of them to survive in their world; one must be removed. For Jane, to return back to her world of responsibility and justice, Pued has to be exposed, and his reputation had to be ruined. If she told the truth, the whole town would be ruined. It had to be a decision between her and him and the rest. She chose to go to him selflessly, and he decided that she was the one that had to go. 

This is why it's a sad foreshadowing at some point Tan will have to make the same choice. Bun's life or His. And Bun will have to do the same after discovering the truth. They are both in a situation where one of them can't survive if the other does. If Tan survives, the organisation survives, the higher-ups win and the town is not ruined. But Bun is silenced. If Bun survives, Tan will be hurt and taken care of by the higher-ups and framed. Tat and Sorowit are the same. Sorowit's curiosity has got him involved in this too, the more he knows and stays with Tat the more his life is also in danger, the more Tat would also have to follow orders to get rid of him. Sorowit has to decide like Bun if he can sacrifice Tat for the truth to be revealed. In Little Mermaid, you know what path she chooses, she chooses love. Bun and Tan will choose love; what that means? I don't know, Tat and Sorowit are the same. 

Misunderstandings and Regrets

That's why we're in a sad predicament. Right now, the misunderstanding and lack of recognising Tat and Tan's innocence is going to drive a wedge in the relationship and case. Bun will believe Tan is the suspect, and Tat was the one who threatened Bun. They're both going to get framed. Just like little Mermaid was framed in the opposite as not the person who saved the prince. There's a lack of clarity happening at this time that could lead to fatal consequences; unfortunately, same as what happened with the prince and the Mermaid. For Pued and Jane, I wonder if Rutingwa framed her, could Rutingwa have been the person to make Pued stop loving her or trusting her? I don't know how, but like I said, she seems to be the strongest and scariest villain/suspect. She does what she wants to get what she wants.

 Could Pued have loved and cared about Jane the way the Prince cared about Ariel and the girl who saved him but somehow got lack of clarity on who she was in his life? Did Rutingwa seem more like the better person to help save his life and career? If she's involved in the corruption ring then yes. She probably seemed like a better wife or choice. But again Pued is the warped prince, Tan and Tat aren't. Their love is genuine and authentic. Bun and Sorowit will later come to terms with that, and choose to be the ones that sacrifice everything for them I believe just like the Mermaid did. Luckily the little Mermaid may not be a happy ending for Jane in the way she wanted, but it is a happy ending in the tale. She is rewarded for her love and selflessness. Jane's reward is the truth getting uncovered by Bun. Saving more girls from the situation she was in.  I also believe Tan and Bun whoever sacrifices would be rewarded, I believe this will have a happy ending, but that's just me.  They'll reunite at the end, finally unveiling the real villains and surviving. That's what I believe. 

So Manner of Death is about to become my favourite just from seeing the next episodes unfold. I could be wrong about this, but I don't see how yet, there are so many clues hinting to Runtingwa as the badass villain she is, as much as I hate girl hate, I commend her on her villainy, she's stone-cold,  if she is, she doesn't mess around, and I like seeing flawed women sometimes. I just want her to be the head of the whole thing, not just doing this because of love for Pued. But because of power and greed and determination to have a good reputation. I want her to be more cunning and stronger than Pued as a villain, even if he's the person who did it, I want her to be the one who suggested it. I don't know sometimes I like seeing women in this role, she's not an ex-girlfriend of the Bl couple who is determined to ruin them, she's not even the villain because of jealousy Pued wants Jane, she's doing it for power and reputation. Like Yes, you show how evil you are, and you own it. She'll be a great villain if she is as cunning as I think she is. Pued in my mind is a wimp, even if he hurt Jane, I don't think he meant to do it. But we'll see how cruel he can be.

I know the mayor, and police detective could be the ones, but with their reveal now, I don't think Jane was tricked or eliminated by them, they are red herrings to the story. Disgusting corrupted people who have power and control, but it's a puppet who did it because of fear. It's Pued. But maybe I'm wrong, and it is them, it wouldn't make sense with the foreshadowing of d*ying for love. They didn't eliminate Nat; she was eliminated because of the botched miscarriage, that's what I believe anyways. Let me know what you think? Any other suspects I'm missing?  You can check out my other analysis of the show in my masterpost. Let’s discuss about the show.