#FUCK i forgot a gabby button

[averagewriter777]

I Could've Been Here (Corpse x F!Reader)

TW: Disease (tumors/cancer), death, angst

You hated hospitals. For one, they were so bright on the inside and smelled of hand sanitizer. Secondly, you’re there every other week for an update on your physical being, so you’re just overall tired of being there. And you especially feel bad for your friend, Seán, who promised he’d be by your side at all times when in the hospital.

“Are you going to do another vlog here? I mean, we have been here overnight due to the swelling in your foot…” Seán fiddled with his phone in his hand. He’d already posted that he couldn’t do a video at the moment, for personal reasons. “Or are you going to keep this one to yourself?”

There was not an immediate response, until you let out a series of coughs. Seán adjusted his mask on his face, before reaching over and checking to make sure everything hooked up to you remained intact. You waved him off. “I might keep this one to myself… I look worse than I did the first time…”

Seán gave you a sympathetic look. “(Y/n), my dearest friend…” he grabbed your hands, making sure not to grasp the one with the IV in it too hard. “You’ve always looked this bad.” You smacked his hand away, only to flinch in pain because you hit him with the one that had the IV. “Ha! Just kidding… You should at least open your mindlink at let your soulmate know you’re okay. You’ve had it shut ever since you got sick… they probably have assumed the worst.”

Oh god. You definitely forgot about that. Since being diagnosed with Cardiac Sarcoma, a heart cancer, you completely cut off connection with your soulmate. Seán was disappointed when he learned you did that. And that was six months ago… “You really want me to just open the link back and be like ‘Oh, hey I’m alive- I just have a cancer in my heart and didn’t want to concern you with it’.” Seán crossed his arms and gave you a raised brow look. “Fine. I’ll open it back up, he’s just gonna be mad at me though…”

“No shit,” Seán mumbled and sank into his chair. He pulled out his phone and took a selfie, texting his own soulmate- who he knew well, Gabby, that he was still at the hospital… and you were doing ‘fine’.

You then closed your eyes and went far into the back of your mind. The link was all the way in the back, with your worst memories included. You shifted uncomfortably in your hospital bed when it was opened back up. ‘Before anything, I just want to say I’m sorry--’

‘YOU’RE ALIVE?!’ You flinched at the yelling in your head, Seán looked up from his phone, then back down at it. ‘You realize ‘sorry’ doesn’t exactly cut this, right? You shut down our link without any explanation. And I felt your heart fail before you did that. You better have a damn good reason for cutting it off.’

“He’s angry… he felt my heart fail before I cut it off six months ago…” You opened your eyes and looked at Seán, who was scratching the scruff on his chin. “What’re you thinking about, lucky charms?” At the same time, you decided to just drop it straight on your poor soulmate, telling him exactly the problem. ‘Look up Cardiac Sarcoma. That’s why.’

Seán looked at you with the raised eyebrow again. “Well no shit he’s mad.” He lowered his phone and quickly straightened. “Wait- did you say that he felt your heart fail when it did?” You nodded slowly, scared at the sudden change in your friend. “Fuck, I need to make a call. I’ll be right outside. Push the red button if you need to, okay?” Then he jumped out of his chair and left the room.

‘You have cancer? In your heart? That’s why you didn’t want to talk to me?’ He sounded hurt and slightly annoyed. ‘That’s got to be the dumbest reason ever. Wait- give me one second, I’ve got a call.’

The hospital room was silent after that. Usually, at this time, you would be vlogging part of your life and show some family recipes. (You’re a cooking and gaming channel) So, you decided to take out your phone and start an Instagram live. People were strangely quick to hop on, and all concerned as to why there were hospital tubes in your nose.

“Hello, everyone! I understand this isn’t my usual video or live, considering I’m not in my kitchen or gaming room… but I feel like this is something that needs to be said, especially if everything goes wrong in the next couple of days.” You let out a deep breath and closed your eyes, before giving the camera a pained smile. “For those of you who have been with me for a long time, you’ve known that I’ve had trouble in my chest, my veins in my neck sometimes look weird, or there is swelling in my body somewhere. Well, six months ago, I was diagnosed with Cardiac Sarcoma, which is a cancer in the heart.” The comments blew up, asking if you were alright, some bluntly asking if you were going to die… and others said they were here for you. “Since it’s spread quite a lot… I’ve been scheduled for a transplant. But we all know there’s a list for that. I don’t know the time I have left, and I don’t know when I’ll get that transplant…” You trailed off when Seán entered back in the room, still with a phone against his ear. “Anyway, I’m not gonna upload until the swelling in my foot- which is where it is right now, subsides and I’m better. I also just wanted to let you guys know. And with that, have a good rest of your days or nights…” You ended the live, not answering a single question, as intended.

Seán ran over to his seat and slightly removed the phone from his mouth. “Did you just do a live about it?” You nodded and put your phone on the table. “Ah, okay. Err, I was wondering if you could talk to someone- precisely the person I’m on the phone with. I’m about 90% sure they’re your soulmate- and he really wants to talk to you.”

What a twist. Your mouth dropped. ‘Are you on the phone with Sean? Did he call you?’ Seán removed the phone from his ear and put it on speaker. “Yes. I’m on the phone with Seán, and he was the one who called me. Can I talk to you now?” You took the phone from your friend, reading ID: ‘Corpse’ then put it to your ear- off of speaker. “You know what’s funny about all of this? We’ve met- online, but met regardless, and nothing was said.”

You put your hand on your chest to rub it, because the pain was starting up again. Seán stood up from his seat and walked out of the room to go get a doctor just in case. Your chest pain had been absent for a while. “I find that funny also. You’d also think with your deep, grating voice- I’d recognize it in my head and outside of it-- but it’s just different, I don’t know how to explain it.” Corpse chuckled. “So… back to my apology… I’m sorry for shutting you out for six months.” ‘And I haven’t told Seán yet, but the doctor’s said there’s a possibility of me not making it. It’s why I shut you out. If we’ve never met, you don’t have to mourn me like that…’Ugh, it sounded awful coming out like that.

“That’s still dumb reasoning. And Sean doesn’t know you’re practically on your death bed? That’s fucked up.” Corpse responded, sounding disappointed. “(Y/n)... I want to know where you are, for one. I want to be there for you… if you’ll allow me.”

Wait- didn’t Corpse like, not at all like crowds of sorts? Agoraphobia, you remember it being. “I-I don’t… Are you sure? I live in Brighton, which is why Seán is with me.” You heard him take in a sharp breath, but say nothing. “And as I said…” ‘I don’t know how long I have left, and I’d hate for you to come here and me not--”

“DON’T talk like that. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Corpse snapped into the phone. You heard a lot of rummaging around from his side. “I’m coming to Brighton, my anxiety be damned. Let Sean know I’m coming- AND what the doctor’s told you. Please… that’s all I ask.”

You hummed into the phone, and looked at your friend, who was biting his nails while speaking with the doctor. (Right, he’d called for the doctor too about your chest) “I’ll tell him… and text me your flight information and all. I’ll have Seán text you my number… and I’ll talk to you later. Doctor’s in the room. Bye, Corpse.” He said ‘bye’ and did not hang up himself, instead waited for you to do so. Seán’s phone went on the table as well after sending Corpse your number. “So… what’s up?”

The doctor, Dr. Adams- or Phil as you’d gotten to know him, set his clipboard on the counter next to the sink. “You didn’t tell your friend here that you’ve got a week before the tumor takes over your body?” Tears were falling down Seán’s cheeks as he looked at you. “Now, it’s not usually my business who or how you tell- but he’s been to every appointment, I thought he was your brother until my daughter saw him. I can’t believe you didn’t tell him… I had to break the news.”

‘The doctor ended up telling Sean.’ You didn’t mention your time limit to Corpse, pushing that away from your thoughts involved with him. “Seán, I was going to tell you… but--” He gave you the look he gave earlier. “I wanted to live until my last moments- okay? That’s how I want to live.”

Seán crossed his arms. “Phil just told me it’s best to keep you here just in case anything extreme happens! That’s seven fucking days, (Y/n). I-I just… I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” You opened your mouth to speak, but quickly shut it when you realized he wasn’t finished. “The reason your chest is starting to hurt again is because it’s all shutting down on you! I swear to God, if you didn’t tell Corpse about this--”

“I told him,” you interrupted. It wasn’t half a lie. You told him there was a possibility of not making it… a possibility. “He said he’s coming to Brighton…” You paused when the pain in your chest increased. “Phil… this hurts a lot… I want to go to sleep.”

Phil crossed over to the room and replaced the water with the sleeping and pain medication. “Alright, you’ve both said enough. Rest, (Y/n), I’ll be back in a few hours or when you need me.” He nodded to Seán, then left the room.

Seán was back in his seat, phone in hand, looking at a text from Corpse. “He’ll be here tomorrow night… that’s pretty fast. I’m going to leave the hospital tomorrow so I can pick him up, is that okay?” Your eyes were already closing as you nodded to him. “Cool…”

-

Seán was waiting right outside the airport. His hood was up and a mask covered the bottom half of his face. At the moment, he really didn’t feel like meeting anybody if he was recognized. Not with his best friend and sister from another mister on her fucking death bed.

Sister From Another Mister: Seán, he said that he just landed and is going through customs. He’ll be over soon.

Brother From Another Mother: Thanks. Why couldn’t he just text me that though?

Sister From Another Mister: Corpse doesn’t like public places remember? He wants to get out of the airport like yesterday. Oooh… Seán forgot about that. Damn, he felt bad in this situation. With now six days to potentially live, you were just getting your soulmate and vice versa on Corpse’s part. He sure hoped that you told Corpse everything, and didn’t miss a single beat- because Seán was going to drop all that he knew and was there for in the car.

Corpse: Hey, outside. Where are you?

Leprechaun Boy: Look for someone in a hoodie with a green mask on. Oh wait- I see you.

Seán waved his hand over to who he assumed was Corpse. Sure, he’d seen the man’s face before- but Corpse was also wearing a mask and the curls from his black hair were partially covering his eyes. “Nice to see you, Seán,” Corpse greeted and patted his friend’s arm.

“You too, Corpse.” Seán smiled as much as he could at his friend. “Wish it were under better circumstances though.” They started walking back to the parking garage, Seán with his hands in his pockets, and Corpse frowning and furrowing his brows. “Anyway, the hospital isn’t far. Should take us about 10-15 minutes to get there… on the way I want to tell you some things about (Y/n)’s situation.” Corpse lifted his head at the name and looked down at Seán. “You know, just how she’s doing really now and how this all started. Especially when you reach the hospital… she was doing okay yesterday, but the doctor dropped some big news on me…” he paused when they reached the car. “(Y/n)... she told you how long she has left, right?”

Corpse’s adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “All she told me… is that there is a possibility of not making it. A time stamp was never mentioned.” Seán rolled his eyes to the ceiling and let out the loudest sigh. “You’re telling me it’s numbered?!” ‘(Y/n), you have some fucking explaining to do when I get there.’

They both slid into the car after all of Corpse’s belongings went into the trunk. “Well… since she clearly didn’t tell you, I’m going to. The reason she never told me was because she wanted to ‘live out her last moments’- her words, not mine.” The grip on the steering wheel was already turning his knuckles white. “Yesterday, I was informed she only had a week left until the tumor completely takes over her body. And something that (Y/n) wanted in the beginning, was that if she was this close to death, she didn’t want to be alive.”

Corpse put his hand on his mouth. “S-She has six days?” He completely ignored the part that said she basically didn’t want to be alive at this point. Dear God, what was he going to be walking into? “Fucking hell…”

Seán placed a hand sympathetically on his friend’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll get to her in time.” And just in time, they pulled into the hospital parking lot. “Her room’s on the third floor. Do you need anything from your bags before we go up?” Corpse shook his head. “Cool. Let’s head to her room.”

The nurses at the front were already aware who Seán was and didn’t really mind him bringing someone else along. The whole staff was aware of the poor girl- as all of them remained on top of terminal cases. Even in the elevator with other hospital staff, they gave Seán little sympathetic looks. Corpse found it discomforting.

Room 315 was yours. You were lying down in your bed, as you always should be, talking on the phone with Felix and Marzia. When you saw Seán walk towards the door, you quickly said your goodbyes before making sure you looked… as okay as you possibly could- especially since you were hooked to a million machines.

“Sup, loser.” Seán greeted lightheartedly. Behind him trailed a very tall man, wearing all black. A black mask covered the bottom half of his face and you could just barely see the rest of his face over all of the black curls from his hair. “I’ve brought you a gift from America.”

You remained silent, both in your head and verbally. The man looked down at you, raising a brow… ‘What color are my eyes, say it out loud.’ Since you’d never seen Corpse, and despite you trusting Seán completely, you weren’t about to take any chances with a stranger.

“They’re a lovely shade of (e/c), but they seem to have lost some of their color…” His voice shocked you- once again. Your heart monitor skipped a beat, then went back to normal. “Stranger danger, huh?”

Heat rushed to your cheeks. “I-I didn’t mean anything by it. And no offense to you either, Seán, considering you knew what he looked like before.” Your friend shrugged while taking a fry from your lunch tray. “HEY! That’s my shitty hospital food, get your own.” Seán retracted and pulled out his phone- probably ordering DoorDash because of that comment. “Oh yeah- can you get Mexican?”

Corpse chuckled at the interaction and took a seat in the chair while Seán flipped you off and stepped out of the room. “I can see how people mistake you for siblings.” You laughed lightly, holding your chest afterward and letting out a deep breath. “I’m sorry I shut you out for so long… I just have this thing involving this stupid tumor--”

“That you have six days left to live, and if you’re still alive after six you’d like somebody to kill you?” Your mouth dropped, but you knew it was Seán who decided to tell everything. “Why didn’t you just tell me before?”

Good question, why didn’t you? Was it just living your life to the fullest before your tumor decided to take over? Or… “I-I don’t know… I’m sorry.” Your hand went to your chest again, the pain just kept increasing by the minute. “Corpse, I’m sorry to i-interrupt this… but can you call the doctor in? I-I’m not--” Your mouth slowly closed and your hand, in its last moments, gestured to the heart monitor.

No one had really noticed, but your heart had suddenly started beating at a slower pace. It continued to slow until it finally stopped. Corpse got out of his seat and tapped as hard as he could on the red button, calling for help, before rushing out of the room. “HER HEART STOPPED! SOMEONE GET OVER HERE AND HELP!” He grabbed Seán, who was surprised at the outburst, and also rushed back into the room. Seán held open the door for all the doctors and nurses that rushed in, and he held Corpse back from going towards you with his other hand. (Which took a lot of strength, mind you)

It had been a while, but Corpse felt tears welling up in his eyes. He’d just met you in person, and this is how it would end? Really? He forced himself to watch, though part of him didn’t want to, as the doctors attempted CPR. Every time the word ‘clear!’ was shouted, he heard Seán let out a sob. Fuck… would it really end like this?

“Doctor… we can’t try anymore. We need to call it,” one of the nurses mumbled to Phil. 

Phil sighed and started to take off his gloves. “R-Right.” He cleared his throat. “Patient name: (Y/n) (L/n). Time of Death: 2:23pm on November 11th, 2022.” He turned around and looked at the two men, who were crying silently. “I’m sorry, boys. We did the best we could… cardiac arrest is no joke, it’s rare for people to come back from it.” All of the staff left the room, leaving the two to mourn.

Both slowly made their way to your bed. Seán closed your eyes when he walked over, then looked away. “I-I have to make some calls… her family deserves to know.” He grabbed your phone, then rushed out of the room. The thing was with him, he’d seen you go through thick and thin for the past six months- and the last thing he was ready to see was you was… gone.Corpse sat in the chair next to the bed, putting both of his hands under his chin. His mind had been silent for six months before this, only his personal thoughts running around. For a little over twenty-four hours, he was able to hear his soulmate’s voice again. “God, I wish you didn’t give me those six months of silence… I could’ve been here, same with Seán, through everything.” He wiped his tears again, letting out a shaky sigh. “I-I could’ve been here…”

Word Count: 3450

[espieviolet99]

Chicago Fire Fic Cont’d

Warning: I am totally 100% making this shit up as I go now, so.... just be warned it will not be canon at all ^_^

-------

The next time Espie bumped into Tommy, was when she was walking Pouch. She’d decided to get used to the walk route to the Austin house so she could visit Gabby, and he saw her coming before she could look out for any of the guys. He smirked to himself as he walked out and called out to her.

“Espie!” He chuckled as he saw her jump, which set the dog on edge. “Oh, Tommy, hey.” She giggled, relaxing as they both headed for each other. “Who is this?” Tommy asked, crouching down to fuss the dog. “Pouch. Stationhouse dog. Our special pupper.” She answeed, cooing the last part and she gave fuss. “How are you?” “I’m good. Dawson is going to be joining us later today.” “Oh, yeah. Cool. We might run into each other on shift. Will be good to see you guys in action.” She mused, before tugging Pouch to continue. “Say, we only ever see each other on the job, You think your brother would mind if we got coffee or somethin’?” He asked, grinning as he did. “Of course he will, but... I won’t. There’s a Starbucks down the block from me.” “I know it. I’ll see you there.” “We haven’t said when?” She laughed, as he turned to jog back to the firehouse. “I’ll surprise you.” He called back. “I can’t have milk. Just sayin’.” She shouted, before leading Pouch away.

-----

The shift was finally over, and Esperance began her long walk home. Well, it was only long today due to the shift she’d just finished. She still walked like she was on a mission, and her earphones were blasting as she went. In fact, it nearly caused her to miss-

“Tommy!” She greeted, raising her hand to push the pause button on her earphones. “How loud are you playin’ those things?” He queried. “Loud enough to pass the time and keep out the noise of everyday life.” She groaned, looking at the roads around them. “Here.” He said, catching her attention again. She looked to his hand to see a coffee cup in it, and she blushed. “You didn’t have to buy me coffee.” “You knew I was going to, though. Otherwise you wouldn’t have told me about your milk thing.” “True.” “Thought you might be a gingerbread kinda girl.” “You thought correctly, sir.” She dramatically announced, as they picked up a walk.

They walked along the long road, conversing and getting to know each other. Though neither announced it, both knew it was a date of sorts. Espie knew she shouldn’t like him, but she was trying to be smart and take it slow enough to get to know him. Tommy, however, just wanted to spend time with her. He hadn’t expected to meet someone like her during this scenario. Maybe both she and Dawson could change his mind on female firefighters.

“Well, this is me. And, even though I’ve had caffeine, I am fucked. So, I’ma thank you for the coffee, and bump into some other time.” She smiled, before surprising him with a hug, and disappearing up the steps to her house. “See ya around, Es.”

------

It was a few days later, and Tommy was just finishing up a shift, when he came out to his car to find Espie leaning against it. He smiled, before composing himself to be less, how did she put it, fucked as he walked over.

“Hey, stranger.” She spoke. “Your brother know you’re here?” He jested. “No, but this large hot chocolate with whipped creamed does.” She theatrically gestured. “How did you know?” “Because I was happily wearing my glasses on my way home that day, because I forgot to take them off after doing paperwork, and accidentally read the side of your cup.” She explained, smiling at the end. “Look at you, you got a little tooth poking out.” He teased. “Okay, ruin the moment. I was proud of myself, and everythin’.” She feigned offense. “I’m kidding. Thank you. It’s needed.” “Long day?” “Very.” “You get yourself home. I’ll see you around.” She winked. “Need a ride home?” “No, I’m on my way in.” “Need a ride to work?”

She happily accepted, and they once again enjoyed each other’s conversation and company on the way to 51. Both wondering if this could count as another possible date. When they arrived, she thanked him as she collected herself and jumped out. Well, after she pivoted herself like an old lady to do so. At least it got them both laughing. She waved goodbye and then walked up the drive to meet the disapproving look of her brother.

“Good afternoon, brother. How art thou?” She greeted him, as per. “Was that Welch?” “Yeeeeeeeees?” She slowly answered, drawing it out as though caught doing something she shouldn’t. “Why?” “Because he offered?” “What are you doing?” “Socialising. With people other than our amazing work frendos. It’s allowed.” “He’s an asshole, Es.” “He seems alright with me.” “Yeah, well, maybe that’s because you have something he wants.” “Whoa! Let’s not.” She raised her voice. The surrounding other members looked over in trepidation. “Let’s fucking not.”

She stormed away and went to get herself ready to go on shift. There was no way she was going to push Tommy aside just because her brother said so. She’d at least get to know him and figure him out for herself first. Give him the respect to get to know him first. Matt could get well and truly fucked.

[zozzlez-art]

im pretty sure this is just his default look tbh

(Bonus gabby!)

prompt me?

[alwaysmarais98]

OCEAN EYES | Chapter 10 | Jonah Marais

A/N: There is nothing to say this time. Hope you enjoy that part and the series is coming to an end soon. Thanks to everyone who still sticks around!

Find the other parts in my MASTERLIST

Warnings: Swearing

Summary: Highschool AU, You move to Minnesota and attend high school there. Jonah just happens to be the captain of the Baseball team who also enjoys playing with girls.

“Are you and Jonah dating?”, I hear my mum asking the moment I enter the kitchen the next morning. I sigh running my fingers through my hair, “Good morning to you too mum and no we aren’t.”

“But you two have a thing? Y/N, I know when you are lying to me. Look I just want you to be careful okay. I don’t want anything happen to you but I know Jonah is a nice guy. His mum already mentioned something that he has changed a lot those past weeks since we moved here and she thinks it has to do with you”, she says and I blush as I think about it. Is he really so different?

“I’m sorry I sneaked around behind your back. It won’t happen again. And we aren’t dating… yet. I don’t know what we are and please don’t make me explain it now”, I whine and she nods handing me my lunch for today, “Have a nice day in school honey.”

Just as I want to step into my car I see Jonah walking outside, his bag hanging on one shoulder, “You want a ride babe?”, he grins yanking a hand through his messy hair. I look over nodding my head smiling, “Yes, I’d never say no to that offer.”

I get to his car and he opens the door for me but before I can step in he presses my back on the cold metal and holds my hips in place, “No good morning kiss?”, he mumbles under his minty breath making me already shiver that early as he has his lips against my ear.

I wrap my arms around his neck a small smirk spreading across my face as I let my tongue slide against the inside of my mouth, “Well if you are nice then…”, I start but he has already connected his lips to mine kissing me deeply. I play with the hair in the back of his neck while we kiss each other.

“I literally can’t get enough of you. I don’t know how I should go through a whole day seeing you in those tight jeans and not being able to touch you”, he groans into my mouth making me pull his bottom lip between my teeth gently, “Well maybe after school you could get me out of them.”

I push with my hands against his chest then step into the car, the surprised expression on his face making me laugh, “Let’s get to school now! Don’t want to be late because of you.”

Jonah steps into the driver seat starting the engine, “Don’t be a tease love, I warn you”, he fixes his crotch some before getting us to school.

“There you are! I thought you are sick or something. You have never been that late”, Christina exclaims the moment I enter the classroom and she is right. It’s just a few minutes before it’s about to start but Jonah and me had another make out session in his car before he let me go. I fix my hair a little, my lips are still swollen and my breath a bit quicker as I finally take a seat next to her.

“Sorry I overslept and yeah. Didn’t really have time that morning”, I say and get my notes out. She starts to laugh, “You sure about that? You look like someone just fucked you to be honest”, she smirks making my cheeks turn into a dark shade of red.

I hit her arm shaking my head, “Oh c’mon stop that. I just forgot to set an alarm”, I lie and before she can ask any more questions the teacher walks into the room to my luck.

I want to tell her about Jonah and me, I hate lying to my friends but I need to figure out myself at first what we are before others do. I trail off during the whole period just doodling at the side of my paper. I try my best to concentrate but Jonah is running through my mind non-stop. I can only think about the way he holds me, how his lips feel on mine and how he looks at me with those deep blue eyes. His gaze burned itself in my brain, only a simple stare from him could make my knees go weak.

The hardest thing however is to be in the same class as Jonah and not being able to interact with him. I could feel his eyes on my back when he sits behind me and he also makes sure to stroke his hand against mine when he walks past me. I bite my lip shooting him a small smile giggling at his responding wink. I never thought I would turn into a girl like that. A girl whose heart starts to race just when he looks at her and, yes you could official say now, I’m in love with Jonah Marais.

After a damn long day, I wait for him at his car facing my phone, “There you are. I looked for you at your locker”, Jonah grins as one of his strong arms slides around my small waist planting a peck on my lips.

“I thought it’s better to wait here. Less people and easier to kiss directly”, I grin lifting my head so my eyes meet his. Jonah chuckles, “Those are the words I wanna hear from my girl”, he leans in again just as Corbyn stops at his car and Christina starts to squeal loudly. We haven’t noticed they parked directly next to us.

“Oh my god!! I fucking knew it! I knew it, Y/N”, she yells and I hush her blushing deeply. She shakes her head walking between Jonah and me, “Why didn’t you tell me that you are here with Jonah? You date the captain now? Oh wow.”

“I wanted to tell you but we planned to keep it for us for some time until yeah, we are kind of sure what it is between us”, I try to explain myself while Corbyn hits Jonah on his back smirking.

“Well you should clear things up quickly then bro. You know half of the team is gushing over your girl already”, Corbyn smirks. I see the jealously rise on Jonah’s face and I’m quick to wrap my arms around him leaning against his side, “I’m just with you no worries and we wanted to go to that party together and yeah people would have noticed there anyways.”

“I’m so happy for you, you have no idea. Call me later yeah you need to tell me everything but Jonah, don’t dare to hurt her or you will get to know me”, Christian says making him chuckle, “No need for that, I don’t plan to let her go so quickly again.”

The next few days are full of kissing and making out. Jonah and me spend every single minute together and he also talked to my mum assuring her that he will treat me right and that he will take care of me.

I enter his house as we wanted to kill some time together before the party. In school, just our friends found out about us but we still kept it for us. “Jonah is upstairs waiting for you. You look so pretty”, Carrie says and I smile at her happily, “Thank you so much.”

I walk to his room knocking on the door but my eyes widen as he opens. He looks way too handsome in a button-down shirt tucked into his tight pants. “Like what you see babe? I definitely do. You look so hot”, he smirks. He grabs one of my hands making me spin around for him as I’m wearing a grey long sleeve crop top and a tight white short skirt along with my high converse. I curled my hair and put some make up on.

“Well you look so hot yourself, just let me fix something”, I grin and open one more button at his shirt exposing more of his toned chest while my finger tips run over his skin, “Now it’s perfect.”

I follow him inside his room and I see how he arranged the pillows on his bed ready for us to sit down and also some pasta on two plates. “Oh, did your mum cook for us? That’s so sweet”, I start but he shakes his head placing a hand on my hip, “No actually I did. I made food for us and Y/N, I wanted to”, he runs a hand through his hair. Something he always does when he is nervous.

He makes me sit down on his bed then grabs something out of his pocket, he slowly slides a thin silver bracelet with a small heart on it placing it around my wrist. “What? What is that for?”, I ask all surprised. As he finishes he slides his hand in mine pressing kisses on my knuckles.

“This is so new for me, I don’t even know how to start but I have to do this now. You drive me absolutely crazy and I can’t stay a day without you. I can’t risk to lose you before we even started something and I just want you by my side. I’m sorry if I mess things up sometimes but Y/N, do you want to be my girlfriend?”, he asks a small blush creeping up on his cheeks. I haven’t seen him so flustered before and all I can do is pressing a kiss to his lips, “Yes of course Jonah, what a question. I already waited for that. Thank you for the bracelet, it’s so beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you are”, he mumbles against my lips before we kiss each other again. “Gosh, you are such a flirt”, I poke his chest while my other hand strokes over his freshly shaved jawline.

After we had food and cuddled into Jonah’s bed we make our way to the party. I intervene my fingers with his while we walk inside the house hearing already the loud music and drunk people hanging around the door step. “Jonah!”, a lot of guys shout and greet him then suddenly someone pushes a drink into my hand.

“I will leave you with the guys okay so you can catch up with them”, I lean up almost yelling into his ear so he hears me. He kisses my cheek nodding before I walk over to Gabbie just starting to chat with her while we empty our cups.

“So, you and Jonah? Is it official now?”, she grins and I show her my bracelet happily, “He asked me out before we came here”, I squeal happily while we get another drink. She hugs me, “So happy for you, and he seems like a great guy. Completely different than I got to know him”, she admits.

“C’mon let’s dance”, she grabs my hands and we get to the dancefloor together. Christina joins us and we laugh while moving our hips to the music. I could feel the alcohol in my body after my third drink already and the house gets more and more crowded. My eyes search for Jonah but I can’t find him. Christina starts to make out at the dancefloor with Corbyn and Gabbie got lost somewhere as well. That’s the moment when I feel a pair of arms around me from behind making me press against a sweaty body. I can tell already at the disgusting smell that it’s not my boyfriend.

“Mm, wanna move those hips for me babe? Been watching you shaking your ass the entire time already”, the drunk guy slurs pressing his crotch on me. I try to push him away, “I have a boyfriend, sorry.”

I get out of his grip but he grabs me again gripping my butt, “You can’t just leave me like that. I need you on your knees for me so I can fuck your pretty mouth”, he smirks holding me against his front now. I swallow and push him again but he is obviously stronger.

“Let me go now!”, I desperately fight against him.

“Didn’t you hear her, fucking asshole! Get your dirty hands off my girl!”, Jonah grabs him from behind and pulls him away almost making him stumble over.

“Oh, so that’s your little boyfriend? You don’t dare to touch me like that”, he is quick to give Jonah a hard push as well. I look over at him seeing the anger in his eyes, “Don’t start a fight please. Let’s go… please”, I beg taking his hand. Jonah swallows his body all tensed up. Normally he would have beaten the shit out of that guy but he knew how upset I would have been then.

“You are alright? I’m so sorry I left you alone”, his arm slings protectively around my side and I rest against him nodding. “I’m okay. You showed up in the right moment”, I say while he leans down kissing my lips, “You want to go home. To be honest I’d rather be just with you now”, he mumbles while we keep kissing each other. I agree with him, “Me too, I think we had enough.”

We make our way to the door when a guy stops us, “Woah already taking one home Marais? Hot one!”

Jonah just shakes his head ignoring him while I spot Emma with her phone in her hand shooting me literally a death glare, “I think Emma hates me.” “She saw us? Doesn’t matter. I won’t let her do anything.”

I get back into Jonah’s car and he drives home as he just had one drink, “You aren’t drunk right?”, Jonah asks and I shake my head giggling, “No, I felt a bit tipsy before but it’s gone now. Probably also because of the heat in that house.”

I feel his hand rubbing over my thigh slowly while he parks, “Well the night is still young. Maybe you want to come to mine. You could also the stay night”, he starts.

I lean over kissing his lips, “Finally, I already assumed you would never ask me to do that.”

To be continued… 

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[milliemichalchuk]

so we mibby trash.

There were things that Gabriella Gomez II learned from a young age. She knew a proper curtsey could make or break an appearance. Manners were everything, especially when photographed. And newspapers would say anything about her if that meant their tacky tabloids sold more. 

Breaking News: Princess Gabriella Stole Princess Svetlana’s Diamonds?!

More like Svetlana took her emerald necklace but whatever. 

Princess Gabriella Flashed the Prime Minister of Uruguay?!

That pig actually tried to sneak a peek of her bum, and she shoved him off. But, of course, blame her for that. 

Princess Gabriella Thinking of Abdicating the Throne?!

She would always pause at that headline. It was possibly the only one that might’ve had a glimpse of truth. Being the only prince or princess of her country meant that she would naturally succeed the throne. She was supposed to succeed and lead her country to bigger and greater successes. But would she be any good?

Gabby knew how not everyone believed she should take the throne. She heard their whispers of how she wasn’t good enough, not worthy of leading the country. She was well aware of how even her own father had less faith in her than her own advisors. Naturally it stung, but she understood not much would be done to persuade him otherwise. 

But things changed during the “World Leaders of Tomorrow”. Honestly she hadn’t expected much during the month-long conference. It seemed rather unlikely that anything drastic would transpire amongst young royals around the globe. She was well aware that it was mostly a public image makeover for the royals who needed it most. (Perhaps she did, but nothing would be cleaned up in a month. How dreadfully unrealistic.)

Yet her relationship with Mikhail Volkov would change everything, for better and for worse. And sure enough in Gabby’s case, things would get worse. 

 “Are you having a good time, Gabriela?”

No. She was at a conference she was being forced to attend. Sure, some of her friends were here but she already felt over this whole ordeal. But she couldn’t say that to the Queen of Monaco who stared at her expectantly. After all, the country of Monaco had been “ever so lovely” enough to host the event. 

Instead, she paused to think of a sufficient answer. “I think so” she eventually swallowed. “After all, this is only the mingler. I have a good feeling that, um, we as the future leaders will band together to have a good experience.” Did that make sense? Apparently it seemed sufficient enough for the Queen who nodded and excused herself. 

With the open bar inviting her in, she found herself glued to the stool as she threw back her glass to down a couple shots. She would need a good drink or two to get through the opening dinner. 

Gabby sat on the toilet, leaning her head into her hands as she groaned. She shouldn’t have drank. 

The bathroom doors swung open, and the Argentinean held her breath. She hoped that whoever needed to use the restroom would use it quickly to leave her in peace. To her surprise the stranger stopped at her stall and paused. 

A second later, the mysterious figure tapped their feet in short intervals. Tap. Tap tap tap. It took her a second before she realized who it was. 

“Aira, leave me alone and stop trying to talk to me in morse when we’re the only people in the bathroom” she groaned. 

  “I think Jude’s playing the ‘penis’ game with Noah right now” she noted as she tapped her cheeks. 

“Who?”

“Y’know. Danish prince. Brown curls. Bit of a crooked grin” she commented as Aira finally realized who she spoke about. “Got a whole bunch of flack from his parents when they found out he was dating a commoner.” Aira shot her a look, and Gabby corrected herself. “I mean, regular citizen.”

Sometimes Gabby forgot that Aira wasn’t royalty but a dignitary’s daughter. It felt like they’d been friends since forever, though they knew one another even before Aira’s father became president of Brazil. Using language like “commoner” irked her, and Gabby understood she needed to treat lightly. 

Viva la democracy, she supposed. 

  “Did you get exposed for wanting to call your crush ‘daddy’ today, Aira?” she asked irritatedly, trying to watch her growing temper. 

“No, but I also wouldn’t call any man ‘daddy’. Because apparently I’m not as kinky as you.”

“I’m not kinky!” she hissed, giving her friend a swift shove. “I’m just an idiot, alright?”

“It’s only stupid if it doesn’t work” she insisted

“No, it’s still pretty stupid. You think Volkov will just forget that?”

Letting out a loud and frustrated groan, she stomped her heels before squatting to the ground. Who the hell let her be a human being was beyond her comprehension. And she was supposed to lead a country? Double whammy. 

Gabby didn’t bother standing or look around when she heard footsteps approaching. “Fuck off” she grumbled assuming it was one of her best friends. She didn’t need their comments tonight. 

“What a lovely way to greet an old acquaintance” a wry voice smirked. Gabby raised her head only for her face to pale upon realizing who she cursed at. There was Alex Volkov, black shirt with the first few buttons undone and a mischievous grin on his face. His hair was tousled and the lipstick mark on his neck didn’t go unnoticed. Typical Alex fashion.

“When’d you get here?” 

“Oh, no ‘lovely to see you, Alex’? ‘I missed you, Alex’? I’m hurt.” 

“It’s so wonderful seeing you, Alex! I missed you so much!” she faked exuberance which caused him to chuckle. “You gonna tell me when you got here or what? Didn’t even think you were attending this summit.” 

“Didn’t plan on, but apparently my old man expected otherwise.” He took a draw of his cigarette, letting the smoke out in her direction. “Just got here so unfortunately I’ve missed dinner. Care to fill me in?” No doubt he already knew what was going on from the sly look on his face.  

  “Heard you’ve been calling my brother ‘daddy’, Gabriella” Alex smirked, tossing the cigarette butt to the ground before crushing it under his foot. 

“What’s your brother’s name again? I don’t recall.” She was feigning ignorance. Stupid move, but it seemed better than confessing. 

“Such a shame if you forgot. Heard he’s been interested in you. Been saying some things” 

“What’d he say” she eagerly asked, taking hold of his arm. All cool went out the door when it came to her crush. 

“I thought you didn’t even know my brother’s name.”

“It’s Leo. Full name Leonid. Just tell me!” she begged, tugging on his arm. 

 While Gabby dealt with quickly putting out fires from news sources besmirching her reputation, Alex thrived on such outlets flaunting his poor notoriety. The worse the story, the better it was for him. 

Rumors swirled about the tscarevich that were difficult to ignore. The stories of him starting fights at clubs were numerous, often him leaving shiners on his enemy that day. He staggered out of the venues, slick smile across his drunken face as he tossed an arm around a pretty little thing with no remorse for his actions. 

His destructive tendencies extended to the bedroom as well. It was well known that Alex had numerous affairs, none lasting more than a week if a woman were so lucky. Any woman that showed any type of affection towards him was quickly dismissed and relegated to a fun mistake. 

If Gabby was an impending storm, Alex was a violent tsunami already raging on as he dragged and sank everything in his way. 

She only met him a handful of times before the conference, developing a strange bond with the man. He wasn’t the first born of his country, but she didn’t dismiss him as hastily like others did. She saw the way that his eyes scanned the notes of Russian foreign trade agreements, often whispering to his eldest brother political advice. Gabby knew better than to count the middle child out.

It was easy enough to relegate Alex to the title of acquaintance. She could easily call him a friend, but she knew he would dismiss that easily. He was difficult to crack, and she hadn’t any interest in opening up to him. The only thing he most likely would prefer was for her to open up her legs. She didn’t care for those sexual activities. At least not with him. Who she did care about was his older brother, Leo. 

Leo had always crossed her mind, a glimmering beacon of possibility. For what, she herself had no clue. The crowned prince of Russia was blessed with good looks and despite his often brooding personality, he could charm women quite well. He would shower them with compliments and poetry, and Gabby couldn’t help but become smitten when he finally showed her the time of day. 

“I’m not one of your conquests” she would text him, rolling her eyes at his flirtatious comments. 

“Never say never, Gabby” he would reply. If it was possible, her eyes would pop out of their sockets from rolling her eyes too hard with how much she couldn’t stand his ways. 

Her father’s relationship with Leo hadn’t improved since their first run in. After all, what father reacts well to finding out that their child calls another man ‘daddy’? 

Gabby hadn’t meant for that information to leak. In fact, that wasn’t something she wanted to even have a conversation about in the first place. But when a scandalous gossip blog leaked her private details, there wasn’t much she could do besides face her father and -

She wondered how long this relationship would last -

The break up had been messy in the politest of terms. Leo questioning her frantically as she persisted that this was for the best. “Gabby, you’re being ridiculous” he insisted, his grip on her wrist tightening as she shook her head. 

“I’m being realistic, Leo. Neither of us is going to abdicate our thrones. It’s not going to happen.”

“I’d give up being Tsar if it meant we’d be together.” His words struck her in the same manner when he asked her to be his girlfriend. The notion shocked her, almost made her heart melt, but this wasn’t their fate. 

She couldn’t bear to hear all the comments about how she took the rightful heir away from Russia. The Russian tszar never approved of Gabby from the start, and now he had even more of a reason to despise her. How long would it take for her to crack? A year? Perhaps less? No, Gabby wasn’t as strong as she wanted to be perceived. 

“I can’t do this, Leo” she choked out. 

“So that’s it? You’re going to throw this away?” he yelled at her. He cursed in his native tongue and while she couldn’t understand all of it, she picked up enough to understand he would never look at her the same way again. 

“You’re an absolute idiot for doing this, Gabby” he scowled before slamming the door shut. The next day not a trace of Leo was left. He took away everything, even the picture frame that had sat on her desk. 

All traces of their relationship from social media vanished with only the small slivers left on her Instagram. Leo made it clear she was no longer welcome in his life by blocking her on all of his accounts. She didn’t blame him, but it didn’t sting any less. 

Friends would ask her how she was doing. It was strangely easy enough for her to lie. She could fake it, pretending it didn’t bother her. Even her closest friends who had their suspicions were easy enough for her to fool if she gave enough of an elaborate story. She could trick Aira into thinking that Leo was a jerk, creating fake memories of how he never listened to her or that he didn’t connect with her the way she wanted him too. 

But it didn’t stop the tears from flowing at night. She would cry herself to sleep, replaying Leo’s final words to her. 

oKAY but gabby never really talking to alex after the break up

Not because she doesn’t want to but because she doesn’t know how to be normal

So she doesn’t message him 

Which seems alright because he doesn’t actively message her either

But then the birthday incident strikes

And she thought that maybe things would get repaired with alex

Except he never messages her

So she’s realizing that maybe this bond wasn’t as strong as she thought it was

It’s her birthday party and she’s got this club rented out for her 

Which sounds fun in theory but it’s just a bunch of royals/diplomats getting trashed for the sake of fun

And she can sing and dance and sway to the music trying to drown herself  in anything but her own thoughts, but she keeps thinking about leo 

How Leo would always wrap his arms around her waist, pressing tender kisses along her cheek before moving down to the jaw and then to her neck

How Leo’s lips would curve upwards as she giggled feeling his breath ghost over her neck like such

And how he’d whisper how sexy she was dancing even though she knew she looked like an absolute idiot. But not for one second would she think otherwise of how he felt about her

But he’s not here with her now in the club. And she can laugh about how silly Aira is being or how her best friend is hollering how much he loves his girlfriend over the blast of music, but the thoughts would haunt her of what Leo would be doing if he was with her

And the night gets worse as it goes along 

Someone throws up on her shoes - barf! - and some stupid dutchess tries to start a fight with her, yanking her hair and eventually shoving her hard enough that she stumbles into a bench and twisting her ankle

So Aira is helping her out of the venue as paparazzi swarm them

“Gabby! Is it true you’re giving up the throne to your cousins?” “Gabby! Gabby, look this way!” “Gabby, is it true that you’re now Leo’s mistress since he’s getting married?” 

“Fuck off” Aira pipes up at that leaving a flustered Gabby to process what was just said

“Is it true he broke up with you to be with her?” “Do you think they’ll be a good power couple?”

No one’s wishing her a happy birthday or anything. They just want information from her like always. Some juicy story to make money

And perhaps because she’s so frazzled that she slips out of Aira’s grasp and falls to the pavement scraping her legs

“That’s one way to get her on her knees. Leo knows the other way!” someone shouts in the crowd and she feels downright humiliated 

One of her friends threatens to beat the guy up while Aira and Jude help her up and quickly to the car

The next day the tabloids have slandered the absolute crap out of her

But the one that stings the most is one of her looking frazzled, hair messy, makeup smudged, eyes confused 

The headline reads “Princess Gabby a Mess Without Leo!” And it stings

And the video is circulating all around the internet of her falling and the comment that follows

She gets the texts from her friends telling her to ignore it, that it’s total garbage

But she can’t help but want one specific person to tell her it’s false and she hasn’t talked to him in five months

“Alex do you think I’m a mess?” she’s never been one to beat around the bush with him so why start now

She stared at her phone waiting for a response. An hour passed by and she picked up the phone to send another message. 

Gabby: Alex - is this still your number?

There was no notice that the number was disconnected. Perhaps it was someone else’s phone number now? No, someone would’ve at least said that this was a new phone. So she decided texting again. 

Gabby: You know yesterday was my birthday, right? Gabby: Did your brother see the newspaper? Gabby: Alex, will you please just talk to me?

Nothing.

Gabby: I’m gonna call you. Please pick up. 

She pressed the call button and put the phone up to her ear. Two rings and she was immediately taken to voicemail. It was clear he was ignoring her. 

Her heart ached as she stared at the phone screen. She wasn’t sure why this hurt so badly. 

Gabby: Call me when you get a chance. 

She’s not sure why this hurts so badly but she can’t help but stare down at her phone, wishing he’d just say something to her

HFDSHFHSF I FORGOT ABOUT THE LABBY ONE X ONE HSHFHSD I’M ABOUT TO FUCK SHIT UP SO BADLY HAHAHAHA

Valentina Cortez (val) princess of Spain

Gabriel Orsini (Gabe) prince of Italy

Okay but keeping that Gabby is now engaged to Gabe 

And that Leo is engaged to Val 

Except they’re not even dating anymore in this scenario so it’s Gabby having to hear about this engagement about her ex-boyfriend from a fuckin tabloid

And she’s not even sure what to think about that 

Because honestly she’s just stunned that she’s the last one to know when they thrust the microphone in her face, asking her how it feels to know that Leo’s set to marry Spain’s “wild child”

She’s never even met this Valentina girl, so she’s not even sure what to say to that

And Gabby’s only met Gabe a couple times, but their engagement is currently being kept under wraps because they’re trying to get all the logistics figured out when Gabby finally ascends the crown

Which only stresses Gabby out even more

Gabriella hadn’t seen or talked to Alex post-breakup. 

Because how do you talk to someone normally once you break up with their brother

Fun fact: you don’t and you pretend that whatever friendship you built with them never existed

And it’s not like it makes a difference because he never bothers to reach out to her

“Gabby” he breathed out her name softly. She relaxed at the sound of his voice, letting her eyes flutter shut. 

She turned around to take him in. He was still taller than her, standing straight as he looked at her. His hair was slightly disheveled though she knew this was on purpose. The popped collar with the first couple buttons undone was also a strategic look she was familiar with. But there Alex Volkov was in all his handsome glory. 

“Hello, Alex. Glad to see you again.” Gabby would later regret that statement as she found herself wondering how the hell this man always had a hold on her. 

“You wanna talk about something, Alex? Then let’s fucking talk!” she snapped, giving him a shove. He stumbled back, surprised by the amount of force. 

“You and your brother wanna demonize me? Fine! Go ahead! The newspapers do it all the time so what’s new? I don’t give a fuck!” she shouted, voice getting louder as she spoke. 

“But what you can’t say is that I didn’t try.”

“You broke it off with Leo. How’s that for trying?”

“Is that what he told you?” She let out a harsh laugh looking at his fierce gaze. “Did Leo also tell you he had plans of abdicating the throne?” She took his silence as a no. “How well do you think that would’ve gone over with your father, Alex? How well do you think the newspapers would’ve made it for me and him? You think they would’ve been nice to us? You think your father would’ve acknowledged my presence then when he wouldn’t even talk to me when I visited your stupid country?”

“You didn’t break up with him for his sake, Gabby. You broke up because you were scared.”

His words cut deeply. Of course she had been scared. There was no doubt about that. But if he only saw her actions as someone terrified of the future, then he didn’t know her at all. 

“Get out” she whispered on the verge of tears. He leaned in to touch her, but she swatted his hand away. “Get the fuck out, Mikhail.” 

“Why? Cause you’re in love with him, Gabriella?” he sneered, shaking his head. 

“It doesn’t matter if I lo-”

“Bullshit. You’re doing this because you’re scared.” There he went again, saying how she was scared. 

Right as she was about to dismiss him, he continued. “It’s fine if you’re not in love with him, Gabby. But don’t pretend that he’s going to make you a better ruler if he’s by your side.”

“Because you know so much about how to run a country” she snapped. She heard the malicious tone and regretted it immediately. “I’m s-”

“Save it.” 

“Did you tell Jude?” She shook her head. “Aira?” Another shake of her head. “Who else knows?” 

“It was my birthday, Alex.” He said nothing. Both of them knew the truth. He received the texts from her, but never responded. 

“It was my birthday, and you didn’t say anything. Not even a ‘happy birthday’” she choked on her words, tears forming in her eyes. “I know you saw the video. I know you did. Everyone saw it. And everyone was...Everyone was fucking awful.” That night replayed in her mind, how the paparazzi mocked her relentlessly. And where was Alex? 

“We were best friends! Did that mean nothing to you?” The tears slipped out as her body sunk, finally clearing the air of the incident that always bothered her deeply. “You were supposed to be my friend!” He moved closer to her, pulling her in slightly. She could feel that he was trying, attempting to be sympathetic. Yet it wasn’t enough. 

“Where were you, Alex?” she cried, slamming her fists into his chest. “I needed you. I needed you, and you weren’t there.” He said nothing, only holding her hands as they hit him repeatedly. He would let her cry until she was finished, unable to give her an answer. 

She knew he would never tell her, even if she begged for an answer. Before the break up she thought she understood him. Gabby was getting somewhere with him, breaking down his walls slowly but surely. And now after all this time, it was as if nothing happened. She was no better than his past conquests. 

“Gabby, I...care about you. But I care about my brother’s wellbeing too. I wasn’t going to let him ruin himself.” 

“So you would let me sink instead.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“So am I.”

She sucked in a long breath, trying to compose her breathing. He handed her a tissue, which she took and cleaned her face with. Looking in the nearby mirror, she barely recognized herself. Her face was splotched with makeup running. Her eyes were swollen. Rubbing her face roughly, she took a look at Alex. 

OKAY BUT HIM SHOWING UP TO THE CLASSES THE NEXT DAY SLIDING NEXT TO THE SEAT NEXT TO HER

AND HE’S PRETENDING AS IF NONE OF THIS HAPPENED

THEN THAT’S WHEN GABBY SEES IT

HE’S WEARING THE MIBBY JACKET

AND FOR A SECOND SHE MIGHT BE DREAMING

BUT SHE PINCHES HERSELF AND SHE REALIZES SHE’S AWAKE

AND THERE’S ALEX LEGITIMATELY WEARING THAT JACKET HE CONSTANTLY COMPLAINED ABOUT AND SWORE HE BURNED

HE SLIDES HER A NOTE THAT SAYS “DON’T GET USED TO IT.”

AND IT’S NOT A LOT BUT IT’S ENOUGH FOR HER TO KNOW THAT HE’S TRYING

EVEN THOUGH ALEX DIDN’T CHOOSE HER, SHE’S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ON HIS MIND WHETHER HE FIGHTS IT OR NOT

It seemed rather silly, crying over a dog she only knew for a couple of years. But Anya’s presence always comforted her that it was only natural that Gabby mourned the passing. 

Leo let her rest on his bed as she she sniffled, thinking about how life could be so unfair, taking away lives that mattered the most. 

“Leo, we can’t do this” she murmured, pulling away from his kiss. 

“Why not? I know you don’t love Gabe. And I don’t love Val.” It was the confirmation she wanted to hear, yet it didn’t make her feel happy in the slightest. “So what’s the problem with us being together?”

“For starters, I’m in love with your brother” she thought to herself. 

“I’m not allowed to like Alex, Aira”

“Who the fuck said that?” 

She internally groaned, wishing that she didn’t have to deal with Aira’s stubbornness. “Everyone, okay?”

“I say you can like him, and I’m part of the everyone club. So not everyone is saying that.”

“You know what I mean” she scowled at her best friend. 

“So you’re not gonna tell Alex you like him because you think people might judge you?” Why did she make it sound so easy, as if telling Alex her feelings would make everything become alright?

“Because I can’t, Aira! Okay? If I tell him, what then? I become the bad guy again! I let down my parents for not marrying the person they chose! I ruin the relations with Italy! I’m some slut who can’t keep it in her pants for the Volkov men!”

“When have you cared about what others think?”

“Since forever!” 

“Was I actually your best friend, Alex?” Silence filled the room. Gabby wondered if it had been difficult for him to separate himself from her during the break up. He always seemed to be fine, get back on his feet with considerable ease. But for the first time she was left contemplating if he wasn’t as strong as he appeared. 

The two of them had such similarities that they shouldn’t have worked. They had their stubborn natures and their desperate desire for at least a semblance of acknowledgement from their fathers. While she would never be good enough to rule, he would never earn the right to rule. 

As he laid on his back staring at the ceiling, she got on the bed and laid beside him. His slight flinch at her joining went without comment from either party. She held her hands over her stomach, feeling the weight of her breathing as it slowly heaved up and down. 

“Yes.” Her head turned slightly, acknowledging his one word answer. She wasn’t used to his vulnerability. 

Turning back to stare at the ceiling, she knew she’d regret saying the next words. Still, there was no way she could let it eat at her the way it did. She knew what would happen, how nothing would get resolved. But she wasn’t looking for a solution; she was looking for a sense of freedom from the words that tugged at her heartstrings. 

“I’m in love with you.” She swallowed, letting her words linger. “I’m like, stupidly in love with you. Not your brother. Not Gabe. Just...you, Alex.” 

She didn’t hear him move, not even a single rustle. For a second she thought she might’ve made up the moment in her mind. But when she looked back at him, face hard and cold, she knew he heard her. It was fine for her to know that he would never reciprocate it back. 

“See you tomorrow.” The bed creaked as she sat up. Gabby smoothed her hair, refusing to turn in his direction. Once again she heard no noise from him. She found herself walking straight ahead to his door and letting herself out of his room. 

Her heart ached more than she could bear. Why did it feel like she had been treated in the same manner of his usual conquests? This low and unworthy feeling of not being good enough for another tscarevich crept into her thoughts as she rested her back against his doors.

[limnotlimb-blog]

Music Memoir

chapter one: this must be the place (naive melody)

 “C’mon, Annie” Lauren elbows me in my side, “stop dragging ass!”  I push her and laugh, spilling her Miller Lite tall boy in the process.  We’re followed by our usual round-up: Tori, Gabby, and Blake.  I feel the bass in the air well before I see the party itself.   It was an old house, a couple miles down from our university campus.  It was our friend from high school’s housewarming party, and we didn’t know anyone else who would be there.  I was nervous, but had also found it’s usually more fun that way.  We can be anyone in the distorted light of parties with strangers.  The summer after high school, she was our first friend to get her own place and we were ecstatic to party somewhere besides our mom’s houses.  The door ajar, I push it open, feeling the warm air against my legs.  The traditional fluorescent lightbulbs have been abandoned for bulbs in hues of pink, orange, purple.  People are packed, not quite to sardines, but it was going to get there before the night was through .

My eyes drift, surveying the scene and people within it; warm eyes and sangria smiles across everyone’s face.  There’s beer pong playing right inside the door, a timeless game of skill and drinking. I move past a giggling couple to the table where drinks are in the kitchen and they had everything, and I mean everything.  I was impressed by the spread of refreshments, from cheap beer to the most popular liquors and even wine in addition to the bowl of sangria.  There were six packs of Gatorade stacked up on the left side, which act as a sort of holy water against the evil of tomorrow’s likely hangover.  I scoop some sangria, a tangy red with floating bites of oranges, into the signature solo cup of the same color.  I become best friends with a girl in the bathroom who had an extra hair tie, whose face I immediately forgot as soon as I stepped from the bathroom.  My boots stuck to the floor, creating a noise of tape being peeled from plastic as my heel escaped the layer of sticky, spilled PBR. I feel the laughter in the air almost more than the rhythmic bass itself.  The unmistakable verve of David Byrne’s voice echoes through me, “This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody)” is welcomed readily and I can’t help but agree with the title: this must be the place!  Any party that ditches the tradition of electronic music in favor of 80’s pop automatically wins a place my heart and ears.  I lean against my best friend Blake and we smile, dancing to the irresistible nostalgia of the 80’s which we never lived through.  How long has this song been playing?  It feels longer than usual.  Or faster.  Is it the tempo?  It could be a remix.  Or did some asshole accidentally push the “repeat” button on their Spotify app and we’re doomed to repeat dance to this song until the end of the time?  Ha! What a weird limbo to exist in, neither here nor there; neither of the 80’s nor modern dance music.  I know one thing for sure, if I was going to be doing the limbo, it would have to be with Talking-Heads era David Byrne.  Talking Heads eventually leave their spotlight, and is picked up by fellow nostalgia. Tears for Fears, DEVO, David Bowie, Hall & Oates, Prince, and the like; all my classic pop friends were here.  The strangers were strangers nor more.  They were the girl from the bathroom with the hair tie, the cute boy that pulled me in to play beer pong with, the smiling couple who just had to have us over for dinner sometime, and of course a few faces from high school in addition to the friends I arrived with.  

Under the lavender light I felt alive.  My heart swelled and I felt like a babe in the woods.  My wide eyes were naïve in this sweet light.  I felt like I could touch the stars of glitter across my friends faces and swim through the night.  I felt beautiful and infinite and all the clichés at once.  I didn’t want the night to end, and ended up passing out on the couch between my friends, still wearing my sticky boots.

Cover up and say goodnight, goodnight.

chapter two: golden years

 It’s the summer again, this time three years later.  It’s the summer of which two balloons, gold, were permanently taped up in my kitchen: “21” they read.  My birthday was before the official beginning of summer, a sunshine day in late May.  Every two weeks after that, more or less, one of our friends turned the same, ever-so-hyped twenty-one.  It felt like “Groundhog Day”, but instead of Bill Murray and a rodent, it was cheap beer and bad decisions .  I found myself in the same night with the same people with the same events playing again.  We felt originally liberated by the party.  But, by this time, house parties had grown old, and the thrill of paying too much for liquor in public was very much in trend.  It was a Tuesday.  Or a Wednesday.  It was some day, it was any day.  I remember I wasn’t feeling incredible.  Something inside me itched, and I bit my lip anticipating the night.  I was feeling an anxiety in going out again, already having a bad night worrying about having a bad night.  I had been snappy all day and was talked into going out to the bar, my friends convinced this would relax me.  Why not give it a shot, I thought.

Our friends dropped us off as they rolled downtown on their way to a nightclub instead.  Arm in arm with my boyfriend, Conner, we were followed by two more friends as stepped out into the pavement.  The day’s heat still radiated from the sidewalk as we flashed our ID’s to the bouncer. In the state of Utah, all alcoholic beverages purchased must be consumed within the fence of the patio, making it a very crowded space.  This patio wasn’t much of a patio at all, more like a wooden pig pen attached outside this building.  It was about five feet deep and thirty feet long.  It overflowed with loud twenty-somethings, chain-smoking cigarettes and breathing it into each other’s faces.  In the small space their laughter bounced off each other, each smile magnifying the last.  I couldn’t make out individual conversations because of the crowd, so they simply buzzed as a whole to me as I walked by.  The smoke was lit by the neon signs behind them, Budweiser AT THE TWILITE CLUB.  Vivid pinks and blues shadowed their faces in opposite directions.

We had to push past layers of bodies to make it the bar.  Two of their cheapest beers (Rainer tall boys) and two shots of whiskey, please.  While I gagged, I couldn’t deny the whiskey warmed my stomach and got me closer to where I wanted to be.  That anxious itch in my heart felt soothed, but I still felt tense about work.  I had worked somewhere for three years, and needed to quit.  One shot please.  I was pissed at the dent a stranger left on my car, another. I wasn’t making enough money to cover student loans? Fuck it, let’s do a whiskey ginger.  It tastes better anyways.  Starting to feel anxious about the money I’m spending here, too? Hey, treat myself, right?  The heat of anger left my heart and moved to my stomach.  I didn’t want to be an angry girl, I wanted to just be fun.  I didn’t want to snap at drunken compliments, I wanted to be the party.  I wanted what those pink-blue faces had out front, I wanted the smiles and to forget the rest of the world outside of this dingy bar. I wanted to be happy again.  I realized I ached for the easy summer after high school, when I felt forever was now.  I remembered my sangria smile and wanted to be that again.  

My thought was interrupted.  I had to pee. The lounge’s bathroom as painted an outdated pink and the line poured out.  Why did I even come here tonight?  The cheap drinks were hard to resist (whiskey sours for four dollars?!) but I sure was paying for it now in this endless line to sweet relief. Groups of girls and boys would pour out of these tiny single stalls, cackling in shrieks louder than when they went in.  One girl, donning a beanie labeled “baby” shoved into me.  I pulled back: “lighten up!” she yelled past the sound of her friends’ grinding teeth.  I made my way into the stall, finally, and pulled my skirt down and took a seat. That hyped-girl was right, I need to loosen up.  Why did I come here if I was just going to be pissed off about it?    It started feeling hollow to me.  I found comfort in the dim light before, leaning against friends in the old pleather booths.  They weren’t here anymore; they vacated as newer things excited them.  People familiar had left this scene and I felt terribly alone.  I wasn’t where they were, and home is where I wanted to be.  

Past the bar there was a jukebox.  A relic of a past I never knew, I still was fond of it.  I liked this jukebox.  I liked it because when I flipped through the selections again and again, I saw my friends.  I found David Bowie’s “Greatest Hits” resting after D’Angelo but before The Rolling Stones. I keyed in 6809, enter and Bowie’s “Golden Years” started to creak through the old speakers and serenaded the bar from the grave.  The twangy yet funk guitar rang in; and I moved my hips in rhythm.  I loved to dance but this felt foreign.  My legs moved wrong and arms were awkward.  That heat in my stomach returned, but not for long while it started working its way up my throat.  I moved past my boyfriend and the bodies, back into the baby-pink bathroom.  No line, I managed to grab a stall just before the whisky evacuated my stomach and right back the way it came.  Don’t let me hear you say your life is over, life’s taking you nowhere, angel.  Oh, Bowie, how do you know?  You’re an angel now; or maybe the mothership took you back to mars, Starman.  Come on, get up, baby.  Never in the twenty years we both lived on this earth did he call me baby my name, but it felt good to think he was singing to me.  Look at that sky, life’s just begun. Nights are warm and the day is young.  There was no sky in this stall, just a bittersweet pale pink.  I wiped my mouth and looked up nonetheless.  I felt cold in this bathroom, and rocked back.  I didn’t want these to be my golden years. Those my senior told me these were going to be the best years of my life, and that scared me.  What the hell was I doing I sat on the floor with my back to the wall.  There’s my baby, lost that’s all.  A soft knock on the door.

“Baby?” his familiar voice asked.    Once I’m begging you to save your little soul.  Standing up, I wipe my gagged tears.  I open the door and there’s my guy.  Conner takes my hand.  “Let’s go home”.

Come, get up, my baby.

chapter three: warm enough for you

The next day I wake up to my roommate’s cat sleeping on my face.  I picked him off me and he looks at me, annoyed. He blinked, meowed, and ran off. I wrap myself in my robe and make my way to the bathroom.  I run the water into the ivory bathtub.  As the water is running, I find my Bluetooth speaker in my roommate’s room.  I work my way back, stopping only to feed the cat, and stop the water, adding the finishing touch of pink rose Epsom bath salts to the blue water.  I find the album on my phone and press play.  To SZA’s sweet voice, I drop my robe and step in, feeling the warmth rise as I sink in.  

Why is it so hard to accept that the party is over? Bring the gin, got the juice

Bring the sin, got that too

 I’m glad I got over my aversion to contemporary music.  Thinking back to those summers before, I couldn’t believe I dismissed decades of music purely because of the time it was created. Pretentious, yeah, I thought I was the shit back then. It was as if I was somehow superior because I owned ���Dark Side of the Moon” on vinyl and definitely listened to it before you had (despite being born twenty-three years after its release).  I remember holding my iPod classic, finding it proper I only fill it with classics.  At this early age, around fourteen, I had fallen victim to the “hipster mentality” that was gaining traction in my suburbs, with a dash of rigid loyalism to classic rock.  I would dismiss artists or songs, simply because they were popular. Looking back at this, I don’t completely understand why I would limit myself.  Music could make me feel so many things, why would I dismiss entire categories or eras of music simply to feel “cool”?  In my bath I still felt the cold shiver of cringe, the kind only past embarrassment could cause.  I felt I knew so much back then.  This was met by an irony I was well aware of, that at any point in time I will think I know so much.  And three years from now I’ll think the same about this moment, then three years from then, and three years from then, and so forth.  I’ll be in perpetual state of vanity and naïveté until the end of my days. That’s something I should just accept now, I figure, why fight it?  There are plenty of other things that have happened over the past few years, besides my slight increase in self-awareness.

Won't you just shut up, know you're my favorite

Am I...

The cat found his way back in and sat atop the bathroom sink.  He stared blankly at me again, got down, and walked over. He put his front paws against the rim of the tub.  “Mrow” he yelled.  I reached my wet hand out and waited. He gave sandpaper licks then gave me a wide-eyed stare.  His name was Bowie, which my roommate named due to the striped marks across face; not too unlike the Aladdin Sane cover with the blue and red lightning bolt across the rock star’s face.  I called him Bowie-cat, so no one would confuse him with rock-n-roll’s deity—as if that was going to happen anyways.  He could be the reincarnate, I hoped, as he was born around the time his human counterpart died.  There’s the vanity again!  If David Bowie decided to come back down to our earth I’m sure as hell it wouldn’t be this cat.  I could dream though, I figured.  

Bowie-Cat stepped down and I let my hand rest in the air after him.  I wanted him to stay, but who tells a cat what to do? I was alone in my dim bathroom, and despite the warm water I felt the unmistakable chill of loneliness.  I wanted my friends back, real and famous. I wanted Bowie and Prince back, I wanted my old friends from that summer after high school to come back.  I wanted my friend that overdosed to come back, and all his shitty friends too.  I remembered the night before.  I did feel better, in those moments.  All those people in the Twilite Lounge were in it together that night, in a pool of whisky and laid-back smiles.  We were swimming together in it and I felt a little less lost.

Warm enough for ya outside baby, yeah

(Tell me that it's warm enough here for ya)

Is it warm enough for ya inside me, me, me, me

Warm enough for ya outside baby, yeah

 SZA’s lament still echoed in my bathroom.  I lowered my face into the bathwater, smelling the rosewater and I submerged. I sink my nose in first, blowing bubbles against the water.

I get so lonely, I forget what I'm worth.

We get so lonely, we pretend that this works.

 I lower my face in and feel the warmth creep over my closed eyes and hair.  I want to incubate in here, have this rose bath become my cocoon. Then perhaps I could emerge once again in three years, doubly wise and not hungover.

chapter four: blackstar

It had been a few months since my last visit to the Twilite Lounge downtown. I know this because the leaves had abandoned their post and now crunched under my heel.   Conner and I had been lying low, spending our nights at home with our new friend: HBO.  We get a call; it’s our friend’s last night in Utah before he makes the move to upstate New York.  He was going to start over, his aunt had a restaurant up there or something.    His name was Bo, and he as a wanderer.  Twilite Lounge was his favorite bar, with his favorite drinks priced cheap and favorite drug dealers.  I look deep for courage and manage to gather it, somewhere between applying my winged eyeliner and burgundy lipstick.  One thing was still certain, dark lipstick made me feel like a bad bitch and I was ready to face the world.  

I take the liquor slower this time.  It’s hard to say no when your friends throw salt-rimmed tequila shot in your face yelling “Shots!”  I indulge and take one, and shake my head at the combination of salt, tequila, and lime. I was feeling confident that night, and the tequila only fueled that.  I see our friend Bo, and we join him in a booth.  The sound of pool balls clacking together and drunken hollers blurred and I smiled on all of them.

I wanted to see Bowie that night.  I wanted to feel the exuberance of his single “Fashion” or the unforgettable joy of “Under Pressure” where Bowie and Freddy Mercury of Queen belt together.  I clicked through and through… I couldn’t find his greatest hits anywhere.  My eyes frantically searched and the only Bowie I found was stark black star against a white square.  My heart sunk at this album—it was his swan song of an album: Blackstar.

“They took it off! Conner, it’s gone!  They put ‘Blackstar’ instead.  Why the hell would you want to listen that here?  That’s not a good song for drinking.”  I pointed harder against the glass while I spoke, as if that would magically change what was behind there.

“It’s what’s ‘cool’ right now.  Or, it’s what they play when they want people to leave.”  Conner smiled, “You know, bum them out and kill their buzz.”

             Conner put his shoulder around me and assured me the album was still out there, we could even listen to it on the way home.  My mind was still stuck on “Blackstar” while he comforted me, because David Bowie knew he was dying.  He knew for a long time, it was a cancer.  It was the first album without himself on the cover, it felt like a goodbye.  His face missing on the cover felt clear to me, we better get used to not having him around.  The most striking track, to me, would be “Lazarus”.  I may not be religious but I can appreciate a good old fashioned biblical allegory. Lazarus rose four days after his death by the hand of Jesus.  David Bowie wrote this song for an Off-Broadway production with the same name.  It followed the character that David Bowie played in 1976, in “The Man Who Fell to Earth”, an alien who came to Earth in search of water to save his home planet.  Spoiler alert for a thirty-year-old movie—the alien is sensitive to light and blinded by a paparazzi camera.  He is unable to fix his ship and return home, now stranded on the planet Earth. The production follows the alien years later.

David Bowie was asked to write “Lazarus” for this fictional character’s second story.  Despite it being for a musical production, it does feel thinly veiled to be biographical. David Bowie did portray the man who fell to Earth, and he act the same alien persona in his music.  Was he not the Starman?  Had he not contemplated life on mars?  He was a space oddity and beautiful.  

I stood frozen, lost in thought, my finger on the button and my eyes unfocused on the album cover of Blackstar.  Conner came up to me, and I showed him the tragedy of Greatest Hits’ goodbye.

David Bowie died three days after the release of this single, music video, and the album.  I remember waiting after I heard, I waited for four days.  I watched the milky white record of The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars spin round and round, while I refused to take the needle off the record.  It spun in silence, but I didn’t want it to end. After the four days, David Bowie proved he was no Lazarus and did not rise—I felt alone without him in this world.

I stayed and closed the bar that night.  I had a pocket full of quarters and was determined to get that sweet high score on the Indiana Jones pinball machine up front.  I didn’t want to leave Conner and his friends, but I couldn’t go and be with them either.  I arrived late that night, and by time I arrived most were well on their way to a hangover the next morning.  I didn’t want to play catch-up, so we were working on two completely different wavelengths.  I felt uptight and, honestly, lame.  I felt like a boring old woman, only able to watch my friends from across the bar.  I felt like I couldn’t connect with them.  I nursed a local pale ale on tap, and played pinball wizard against the machine.  My final pin ball for the game slid past the two clickers and into the machine.  Game over.

             I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Bo.  I said before, he was a wanderer.  I had only known him for a month or two, but he was my boyfriend’s best friend for the past six months when he wandered into Salt Lake City.  He had greasy fake-bleached hair and was covered in hand-poked tattoos.  His eyes were red that night and his jaw was working overtime.  I didn’t know how I felt about him as a whole.  He had once showed me his tattoo: the twin towers and a plane, reaching from above his hip bones to his nipple.  The ink was crudely tattooed into his side, resulting in what seemed like a toddler’s doodle, vibrated into his skin.  I didn’t know if it was in remembrance of 9/11, satire, or maybe an ode to the conspiracy theory he believed in.  He told me he was passed out on heroin at the time, and while he would never admit regret to anything you could see it in his eyes.

             He also showed me beauty in his poetry and his kindness.  His heart ached for those in pain, and I could see the art bursting out of him. He was grandiose in his stories, and while I suspected hyperbole I would never call him out.  There was something magical about this character, and I didn’t want to pop the surreal bubble he lives in.

             Without words, he wrapped me in a tight hug that pulled me off the ground.  He whispered to me, “I’m scared to go.  I’ll miss all this.  Don’t hurt him”.  Just as quickly as he had embraced me he was gone, sliding past bodies pulling a smoke out of his pocket to smoke on the patio.  I stood for a moment, dazed, and went to find Conner.  He and a handful of our friends were crowding a small booth in the back.  

             Conner and I were tired that night.  I still felt out of place and it showed—I was itching to get out of there.  I asked if we could just quickly slip away.  Conner looked me in the eyes, with a serious c’mon. We couldn’t leave without a real goodbye.  I knew, and I was avoiding it.  Bo was such a surreal character and he slipped into my life without precedent and it felt weird to have him leave.  Conner grabbed my hand and wove me through the bar.  We couldn’t find him anywhere.  I checked the girl’s bathroom stall and behind the bar, no Bo.  Conner checked the boy’s restroom and the patio, no go for Bo.  We saw a friend of his and asked him where Bo went; he said he saw him skate away about ten minutes ago.

             How fitting, for this character to leave with a cat’s goodbye.  He slunk out of our lives as easily as he slipped in.  Conner and I stared down the street in the direction his friend pointed, and I felt Conner accept his friend had moved on to his next misadventure.

             I drove us home that night.  My mind wandered while I drove us the brief distance to my house. I looked to my right and saw Conner’s face, the red of the stop light reflecting off his face .  I saw shimmer below his eye before he was able to wipe it away.  I looked back to the road and felt a guilt settle inside me.  I had judged Bo the first time I met him.  He was on a 24-hour cocaine binge and his mouth was running a hundred miles an hour while he talked to me about the magnificent craft of Charles Bukowski. I couldn’t help but think of course this guy likes Bukowski.  He was strange but left a mark.

             I parked the car and walked with Conner inside. He undressed and slid into bed in quick motions, and was out before I had taken my shoes off.  I could tell his heart was hurting; he was going to miss his friend.  I found him exhaling a slight snore, and it seemed I wasn’t the only one who heard him. Bowie-Cat came in, greeted me with a “mrow!” and silently jumped on the bed and laid on his pillow, next to Conner’s face.  I pet and kissed both of their heads and went to my living room.

             My mind was empty as I sat down to unlace my Doc Marten boots.  I was reflecting on the night, and to fill the void David Bowie’s Lazarus started to creep in.The kick drum and rhythmic picking of an electric guitar.  The saxophone chimes in melancholy.  Look up here, I’m in Heaven.  I’ve got scars that can’t be seen.  Bowie’s voice rang in.  I again thought of Bowie in Heaven, then I thought of Bo in Upstate New York.  I’d never been there, but maybe it could be his heaven.  I know Conner was going to miss him.  His sleeping mind was probably replaying tonight over and over.  

I’ve got drama, can’t be stolen.  Everybody knows me now.

I judged Bo for the things he did.  For the binge-drinking and drug use, for his strange tattoos.

Look up here, man, I'm in danger.  I've got nothing left to lose.

I'm so high, it makes my brain whirl.

             As I kicked off my boots it began to sunk in. Bo was gone, David Bowie too.  It was like all the empathy I should have been feeling while I knew Bo himself flooded in.  I felt a shame boil in my belly.  It was like Bo fell to earth in Salt Lake City.  I started to understand, then.  These blue and pink faces weren’t necessarily free of loneliness or pain. In fact, it probably was felt inside them under the belly of cheap liquor like mine was.  We were all the same, just trying to be less alone. Things like drinking made it easier, it created a common denominator for people.  It became easier to talk, mouths became looser and social anxieties relaxed. Everyone was just trying to feel a little more connected, a little freer.  That’s what I felt those summers ago.  I felt liberated in the orange-pink light and fuzz of sangria.  Parties and bars and drinking, they were all methods to arrive at that feeling.  It may not have been a healthy reliance, but it felt good to exercise that right.  I deserved to feel connected, everyone does. Every pink and blue face I met deserved it.  We may have all fallen to Earth, blinded by its beauty, with nowhere to go.  We’re here on Earth until we’re not—until we return to heaven, mars, nowhere, or everywhere.  It’s easy to feel alien in these bodies, but we can find each other in the dark here, with the assistance of neon lights and long nights.  

Oh, I'll be free

Just like that bluebird

Oh, I'll be free

Ain't that just like me?

   The end.

   Tracks (In text)

This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody) Talking Heads

Golden Years David Bowie

Drew Barrymore SZA

Lazarus David Bowie

 Tracks (bonus)

Kiss Prince

Head over Heels Tears for Fears

I Can’t Go for That Hall & Oates

Hung Up Madonna

Bunny Ain’t No Kind of Rider of Montreal

Heroes David Bowie

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN!!!” - EPISODE 2

Me not being first boot??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Amanda slaying and staying??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Carson going and me, Liana, Christine, Lily, and Sam still being here even though we aren't officially aligned???? *NUT BUTTON MEME*

Ahhh me and kait did that i didnt expect it, im not sure how everything worked ut but it was wild whew, so many votes, im wary of kait cause she mightve lied to me but im hoping i can trust her

i only sent 1 pic for immunity so then i get lowest and i have chance of getting to cave or exile or whatever the heck and then hopefully i get idol and win the whole game woohoo

Well, that was a messy af tribal but it worked! I mean after the hell I went through, voting rob, then voting Amanda, then voting daisy only to find out I was too late and had to stick with rob! Like wtf. And for daisy to go home on a 3-2-1-1-1 with 2 null votes.  Like ok. And now we have a selfie olympics!!! Currently I'm sitting pretty with a 30% advantage in the challenge and 84 photos of things with the beginning letter for M or T!!!! I really would like to win this and stay immune for as long as humanly possibly lol. These tribals are messy right now because loyalties are just being formed Speaking of loyalties!! AMANDA!! I already love her #ThanksAHud! And I'm so glad that we are buddies! I'm just hoping that things work out for the both of us

That vote was a mess it seemed on Rob and Kait's tribe. Glad they stayed and Christine survived too. I'm not surprised Kait's tribe already voted for her, meanwhile the rest of us are sitting over here like: https://68.media.tumblr.com/894a6591ab3e2d171e8fec5d31ecbaeb/tumblr_omkup57QeN1r1gu3po1_400.gif

So Darian wins immunity.... https://media2.giphy.com/media/Rhhr8D5mKSX7O/200.webp#6 but I am also like  https://media0.giphy.com/media/IqO3mXbMLztHa/200.webp#4 See, I love Darian, but the issue is, I'm not sure if i can trust him, so he sort of needs to go soon,  but I see him sort of clean sweeping these immunities and that makes me a little worried honestly. I don't know what to expect this time around, and I am about to start sweating.... https://media0.giphy.com/media/VB5WwlZIt8eRy/200.webp#1

I'm a mess *takes a shot of vodka* I had 125 photos and forgot to turn them in. I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN! 

This feeling around camp has been so strange and I'm not sure if it's because I won or just because every tribal isn't gonna be the same. I had more people talking to me for the first tribal like right after results were posted and serious game talk with the whole tribe. Yesterday night only Sam, Lily, Christine and Dan messaged me but we didn't even talk game. (Well I guess that's about the same amount of people, but like the conversations were less in depth like they were the first time.) I just feel aimless in this game and I don't really have a good strategy. I'm not even sure I want to make it far because it always gets ugly once you get far enough. Lily just solidified our alliance of 4 (Dan, me, Sam, and her) and I think it'll be easy enough to ride it out with them for a while. I'm wary because I don't have anyone I'm really close to (because these are people I usually don't play with!) so I kinda feel like I'm on the bottom. Lily and Dan seem to closest and I know in the past Sam will have multiple close allies and not necessarily stay loyal to one overall. Kelsey freaking randomly disappeared again! If anything I'd trust him a bunch because he's new and I can influence him more easily probably into giving me information and voting with me, but I can't do that with this weird continued activity/inactivity. Might he actually be a catfish? We will never know. Also!! Silly Gabby and Jonny having too much fun in One World last night. I knew Jonny was in Rakiura but that's basically it. Now I know they know each other irl probably thanks for the tea y'all!! (ricky, goodness, you have too many friends in this game since I'm pretty sure you know sara irl too with all these Washington/barista coincidences!)

Moments later...

Oh! Yeah I forgot to mention that I'm trying to get the tea about the loser place since unfortunately I did not lose. I'm not close to Veronica (as in I have not talked to her since Day 1) so I have low chances of finding out from her, but I talked to Billy last night and asked him to ask Chrissa about it. Though he said earlier how he's not close to Chrissa so I'll probably end up asking her myself! :/ Since I don't plan on going to loser place, I need to make friends with everyone who goes so they can give me all of their idols/advantages...or at least agree with me on how to use them!!

I want Sam gone!!!

Why was I stupid enough to pick the thing that makes me inelegible to compete in challenges? I'm an idiot. 

so i don't know how to vote this round and no one is talking! like are you guys serious omg 

Sorta feeling indifferent about the challenge I tried super hard! But either way congrats to all that won! Someone had like 100ish I think I saw? Oh hellll no girl doing the most. Nervous for trible tonight it'll be my first! I don't think I'm going home though, I talked to Jordan and he said hunter because he didn't submit anything for the challenge and is pretty quiet. I don't even know the kid but as long as it's not me ya know! TBH if it had been my decision I would have voted Julia. The girl has "I love being beautiful" or some shit like that as her fucking quote on skype like ew girl your hella extra. 

i like kait and amanda

I'm just like so over Sam so I'm trying to get him out as revenge for Eddie. Fake ass. If I can't get him out in Emathia, might as well get him out here.

20 minutes later...

My allies are Rhea, Kait, and Darian (even if he did vote for me). I like Emma but I know she's probably upset about the first vote. Sam and Steven, you can go. I can try and bring in Andie and Amanda close to me, but it will be fishy to do it now. That's on my tribe. I like Jenn too, and Sam, and Shea <3. You never know in this game, I might go out, but I think my position in the tribe may increase? I can see it. I love Rhea so much. She's the purest cinnamon roll I've ever met. <3 100%

OKAY! So now that I actually have time, I've been talking to people on my tribe a lot more. I've been talking to Billy, Chrissa, Jonny and Gabby and they all are reasonable people. Whilst talking with them we talked about how Hunter is pretty inactive in the game and that we could look at him as a potential first boot from the tribe. The whole twist of us being in One World and only have individual immunity has kind of flipped the entire game on it's head. Usually, weaker members of the tribe are targeted because they're a liability but weaker players don't really matter as much this season because tribal immunity exists. Which means that people that are stronger in challenges may start to be targeted to give those weaker people a better chance at winning individual. Honestly, good job Ricky and Monty because I've never seen this before and it's kind of fun. 

Well I didn't win the last challenge... My document glitched and I lost most of my pictures, but the fact that I would have won still keeps me going!

Kait is the best duo every she cuts the shit and gets right to the point and we murder everyone together its so fun. That being said I can't wait until i get to a point where i can work with my loves Luke and Dan. Also im going out and ACTUALLY having a social life so this is all the updates youre getting from me tonight! Wooooo

i cant believe i worked to get a self vote when i already had one like the FUCK why do bad things happen to slightly nice people 

I literally don't know what's happening bc I've been gone all day bc it's spring break, but I know I'm not going so BLESS

Well. Officially in an alliance with dan, Sam, and Liana. I love it. We are called the game changers but I wonder if everyone is doing that right now. Veronica should be going tonight, but I question if it should be shea. But I think Veronica is a good vote right now and shea would be better for the following vote. I don't know honestly if either goes it doesn't matter too much to me. I love this whole tribe but someone has to go. 

I confess to shovin a whole bag a jellybeans up my ass.

so basically this round i lost immunity again but idc bc i know these ho's and they not gonna do anything... I hope. So basically the plan was for veronica to throw immunity and get last so she could go on the reward and scout it out for steven and i bc us 3 r in a alliance. she did but she got a self vote. basically everyone wanted to vote veronica but bc of sheas fight with carson we r voting shea. i feel bad bc i like shea but i cant lose veronica this early. i put my neck out on the line so if i get sent home ill be sad but ill def understand why

ALLL RIGHT so this round i haven't done much/heard anything BUT IM WATCHING BAYKOR WILSON PLAY MUSIC AT JONNY FAIRPLAYS BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE DEAD GRANDMA IS HERE 

My drunk ass needs to write a confessional in the next hour oops!! I hope that Veronica goes but apparently it's either Veronica or Shea. I just really hope it's not me. My tribe is quiet as fuck so I have no clue what's really hoping. Here's hoping my drunk ass makes it through 

i'm dead @ finding the idol. my goal is to idol liana out i think that'd be a boppin time, but for now i just wanna like continue not really doing a whole lot and let rob keep being out there on everyone's radar while i just say that no one talks to me so i can get more tea from them bc they think i'm in their back pocket. voting sam tonight.............i'm poppin' bottles! nah idrc about him leaving, he never talks to me and it's always like really forced when i go out of my way every fucking time to start a conversation with him. it's just really frustrating like i hate this tribe so much. social game says hello, freaks! i kinda hate having the idol because it's so much pressure to like play it at the right time and premerge is so delicate, especially with so many people and with me not really having a TIGHT alliance i just whew.

I think I'm going :( no ones socializing with me. Billy is just a cop out, says he doesn't want to throw out a name. Pssstt

My, my, my. What a LOVELY week this has been. So currently, our tribe is back at it again with dat council swag. I didn't do well in immunity, like I knew I would. However, if anyone can win, I'm very glad Miss Moana SNATCHED the title. Last tribal council, I flopped. I was inactive and that's unacceptable so this week I'm really pushing myself to be a deciding factor force like Ariana Grande deciding to snatch weaves when she breathes. With my reputation currently, I don't think people really assume that I even have it in me to be strategic. Little do THEY know...they are wrong. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. Now, Seamus has informed me that the vote is Shea. However, Seamus is a GOOBER. Shea and I have really become close and the fact that Seamus literally pms me to vote Shea BEFORE asking me how I am shows his inner Kesha: his True Colours. I don't really like the fact that Seamus is just treating me like a free vote because I know what his intention. I already can smell that he wants to drag me as a cute, innocent vote until he makes the merge with his best friends and takes me out. THAT'S going to be a no zone. Although that is the persona I'm going for, I feel like Seamus already has suuuuch a big plan for getting to the end and...I'm not a part of that. And if you're going to count me out, henny, count on getting to stepping. Or something exotic like that, tee hee~! I feel really nervous for Shea. I told her that Seamus was wanting to eliminate her and she immediately almost spoiled everything. She's an emotional player and that's the kind of I want to keep around. Those are the ones who never see through my fakeness and the kind that are targeted before good ol' sweetheart me. The only other option is Veronica so for this week, I'm going to try and flip a few people to do so. The last vote was so unified that it's quite scary actually...if things keep going the way they are, I have no doubt that eventually it'll be my log chopped by the axe. My advantage for this week's vote is that no one really has a reason NOT to trust me. With Veronica, they KNOW she's a scrappy player. And I believe I can use that to my advantage. Y'all don't know me, y'all don't know what I've been through! And NO ONE is going to believe that cutesy little Arianator weeabo is pulling strings. I learned from my past Tumblr competitions that playing aggressively gets out fast. I know now playing passively gets you treated like a child. Here...everything has to be subtle. Small little touches, here and there. And if you do enough of that, maybe the trickle of water can erode the rock. That's what I'm hoping to do here. If somehow, we can do the impossible, not only will I establish myself as a real C.O.M.P.E.T.I.T.O.R in this tribe, but I'll have pulled off a blindside that's really shocking and game changing. Maybe it's a bit too early to be calling shots...but I've got to do something. I think people already have caught on to the fact that something's afoot and the alarms are already blaring. I'm past the point of no return, so even if I wanted to, I can't allow myself to have regrets! I carry the name of a queen of BBCAN and a king of The Vampire Diaries. I'm here to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. And hopefully...this is the start of something legendary~! Wish me luck, darlings! Certainly sincerely, Canada's Self-Proclaimed Favourite; Kelsey Mikaelson! <3

ALRIGHT...So I'm really hoping Shea goes this tribal cause like....He can't be chill for one second in this game.  Literally the plan was to get Veronica out but once he hears his name he quits? C'mon now.. Don't even get me started on Kelsey telling him his name was thrown out cause like!?!? We're doing that so no one gets in trouble here why are you doing this!?!? I just don't understand Kelsey like I really wanted to like her but...She's on thin ice at this point. I just hope this isn't a ploy and something goes wrong but I guess we'll see!

So like wtf is happening, cause I don't have a clue. I'm loyal to Emma and I guess maybe Rhea. Idk Rhea just talks to me sometimes but right now that is good enough for me. Right I'm just waiting for a tribe swap so we can stop going to tribal every round