#FOR BEARING THE PAIN OF BETRAYING ONE OF THEM WOULD BE TOO COLOSSAL TO BE HANDLED BY HER POOR HEART

[h3nsh1n]

SACREAMING AND CRYING AND VOMITANDO DANGRE ENVENENADA

[cheese-void]

2. OUT OF THE FIRE

Sometimes it felt almost as if the cold dark stone of the prison was the scolding heat that reflected from the white stones of a forgotten home they once had. Only distant flashes of a previous life that looked more and more like a far away dream. The creature could remember a time when these pictures were clearer, crispier… But something, themselves even, but also pain, had pushed them far, too far maybe for them to come back. Each and every ounce of happiness that had achieved to stay in these memories was more salt on the open wounds of their mind and flesh. It was easier to be no-one and to have no past. Their situation though, had evolved quite a bit since they were pushed in a cold cell of Utumno, left alone to contemplate an infinite existence of darkness. One of their companions of sorrow incited them to volunteer to become one of the scribes. A colossal task but also one of the safest. Men, trolls, wraith… Various evil creatures roamed the fortress and the territories seized by Morgoth. Thousands of orders passed hands and claws to coordinate immense armies in the War that followed. They needed hands to bear weapons but also hands to bear pens. Orders, maps, encrypted messages, drawings… Now, they did not really remember how it all started. The first few hundred years stuck in Utumno were a dark blur of screaming, pain and restless eternal nights spent copying parchment after parchment. During that time, the creature started learning common speech and black speech. They even learned certain variations through all of the different groups they had to translate for. They threw themselves into the despair of words and writing until their hands twitched and bled. At one point, they lost their right ring finger… They did not remember the exact context. A mistake, certainly. They had been beaten and cut numerous times, but the corruption had slowed down some of the healing qualities of their elven body. That finger was lost forever. An eternal reminder that whatever they were now, they were not really an elf anymore. Their pointy ears were the same as the uruks around. Only their facial features betrayed their origins. Light cheekbones striking out of their dark skin, underlining pale eyes. Their hair had been long and brown a long time ago. They still sometimes remembered it brushing against their back. Now it had been shaved on the sides and tied up into a short braid. Only a selected few prisoners were given the opportunity to be a scribe. As long as the creature could remember, they seldom saw anything else than the first elves, the first uruks, holding the feathers and the wooden pens. Holding, as a result, the information… The wide library, full of various leather books and parchments was in the heart of the black citadel. It did not have any windows and each writing desk was surrounded by books, ink bottles and spare pens. Uruks would patrol around, discouraging any discussion or any suspicious behaviour. After a while, it was like a dance. They would shuffle their feet. They knew each other's faces, names… When the creature could remember its name. There was a sweet spot during that time, when they were in some sort of habit. The rhythm of the day soothed the pain of the mind and the body. There was some comfort to be found in there, somewhere, anywhere really. After a while, seeing the same guards, discussing the matter of the citadel, commenting on the supply of leather or ink, it almost felt like some sort of home. Utumno was a small village after all, with its rumors and its customs. It dawned on them one day that this was their life now. Even though they could not remember any other life than this one, they knew it had been different. They knew there had been warmth and happiness somewhere in a distant past. Sunlight, flowers, trees, rivers… They had a regular dream, their feet in cold water, looking up at a mountain, before being smothered by heavy rocks falling on top of them. That water, they remembered. And yet, in these familiar feelings accompanying the habits, they knew very well that none of this was right. They were prisoners. Although they came to realise that almost every single one of them, scribe, guards, soldiers… They were all prisoners in the end. Even though the scribes were not at the heart of the battle, they could feel each variation of pace in the grand scheme of things. Ever changing abrupt corrections, more translations, more detailed maps… The scribes probably foresaw the fall of Morgoth before most soldiers. And yet, the creature did not foresee this as a possible liberation. A liberation of what, for what? They had stopped counting the years. They had stopped remembering where they used to live. Their name was a far away memory, tucked away somewhere where all their previous knowledge lurked. It would sometimes dart out to the surface, unsuspected and unexpected. A sound, a smell or a word. More often than not, it would summon a feeling more than a clear memory. The creature was then left either trying to suppress it with all of its might, or trying to identify what sort of vision it could have come from. Then the orders came in. They had to dismantle the library in Utumno to scatter its content and scribes around other smaller fortresses. The strategy was quite sound. If Utumno fell, not every single secret information would be found out, and also, it would all be incomplete. Some were sent to Carn Dùm and others in smaller secret locations. They were shuffled around, chained tightly to one another, isolated. The creature did not think that they could be even more cut from the rest of the world. And yet… They ended up in a small, more strict outpost, with only two other first uruks. The lieutenant in charge of it all was a corrupted man, a former knight in one of the human cities, Lotomar. He was somehow more twisted than previous masters the creature had known. He did not have a sense of duty but one of power over every life form in his contact.

________

It happened in the middle of the night cycle. Although they did not operate based on the sunlight, they did have shifts and periods of rest. Even the army of Morgoth recognised that tired soldiers were no use at all. When the creature realised what had happened, they were already being pulled by strong hands. When they looked up, they saw the half burnt face of Ragmor. A first uruk, like them. He was tall and strong and had probably been a beautiful sight as an elf. But extensive torture and corruption had completely melted one half of his face and body. One of his jaw bones almost stuck out through the thinned skin and his right eye was completely black and blind. They met Ragmor at the outpost. He was a gentle but stern being. Keeping to himself, never raising his voice or showing any sign of quick temper. He had been allocated to a smithsing station. He had said he was a smith “before”. He would often tell strange stories about the Valar, forgotten battles or funny tales. He had a grave voice that could resonate through your mind, embedding images of extraordinary adventures. It gave some respite from the cruelty of Lotomar. An explosion, that was it. An explosion had happened. An attack? An assault? An accident? For now they could not say. There were lots of movements left and right. Their ears were deafened and they could feel the pulse of the frantic agitation around in their very core. Ragmor was pulling them from their feet, keeping them close. The only thing they could remember before fading away from consciousness were the black gates completely pulled open, peering into a deep gallery in the mountain.

[ramblingguy54]

True Colors: An Emotionally Fantastic Serious Game Changer.

If we’re to look back at Reunion as Season 1′s dramatic pay off for Amphibia’s message of toxic friendships, as Anne & Sasha’s conflicting dynamic showed us, then True Colors is a colossal expansive note on this big theme of the series. True Colors makes Season 1′s finale look like a walk in the park for what angst goes down between our three main heroins in Season 2′s climatic resolution. Everything that can go wrong does go oh so painfully wrong for these three kids. Anne, to no one’s surprise, gets double crossed by Sasha leaving things between them a Hell of a lot more bitter than they were previously, as if that couldn’t already be topped when Sasha tried to kill the Plantars before. Anne has had enough of her lies and manipulation not being afraid to tell Sasha straight up how awful of a friend she’s been in general, even hitting her where it hurts most of all saying, “No, I’m done listening to you! I’m done trusting you! You’re a horrible person and I am done being FRIENDS with you!”, going so far as to get a shaken reaction out of Sasha dropping her brave face act, making this girl try to wipe away the frog family.

Right off the bat, True Colors makes it highly evident this isn’t just another story of stopping a bigger threat, but one hitting much closer to home, overall. Yes, King Andrias is certainly a dangerous villain, who makes his presence and intimidating nature known to the others by True Color’s final act, which despite this Amphibia isn’t entirely putting him at the forefront, rather focusing on a more intimate study of Anne, Sasha, and Marcy’s big emotional conflict. This finale knows exactly where to put its focus of importance on, so I love that instead of it being action packed we’re getting the spotlight shined on just how screwed up these three of a friendship have, in spite of Marcy claiming in The Dinner episode, “We’re supposed to be friends for life. We don’t split up!’ . Very ironic stuff right there, indeed.

True Colors’ most powerful strength it adds to Amphibia’s ongoing profound story about healthy friendships is the thorough deconstruction of these girls defined “ideal relationship” as people. Before Anne came to the world of Amphibia this kid was afraid to stand up for what she believed in, even knowing especially well that stealing the calamity box was morally questionable, but did it anyway. Sasha was super manipulative, abusive, and used her power to control people, like she did a lot of toward Anne in their lives. Marcy, while very smart, wasn’t the most competent physically, who soon grew into being more independent without needing to rely on Anne always having to be there for her. These three were changed immensely by the events of being thrust into this world of sentient amphibian creatures. Anne benefited morally most out out of all three in taking up the mantle of responsibility and ironing out her own issues. She’s become a much stronger person all around. 

This episode asks us an important question though in nutshell with, “Have Sasha & Marcy truly changed for the better?”, since Anne has reached a point in her arc feeling genuinely content with who she’s become and the bonds that have been made with the Plantar family shown most notably with Sprig Plantar. Hence the whole purpose behind the song, It’s No Big Deal, with Anne feeling proud for who she is, yet not noticing a bigger issue right underneath her nose. That previous episode was meant to bring Anne’s happiness up only to bring it all crashing down in a devastating display of new revelations in True Colors. Every dramatic emotional beat isn’t just earned. Each significant moment is completely knocked out of the park by terrific voice acting, beautiful animation, and music composition that gave me serious emotional goosebumps. True Colors did exactly as Not What He Seems accomplished for Gravity Falls in shaking up its own respective dramatic stakes just when you thought it couldn’t get any higher for these protagonists. Shit seriously hits the fan here.

Did it ever occur to you, Anne? Sasha? That one of you knew more, than she was letting on? That ONE of you might’ve gotten you stranded in Amphibia on purpose...?

The big bombshell twist of Marcy playing a part too in getting them into this whole debacle completely flips everything upside down. Sasha pushed Anne into taking the Calamity Box, yes, but if Marcy never sent that photo because of her desire to stay with them together forever, then they wouldn’t have been stranded in basically a world full of dangerous creatures and who knows what else. Easily my favorite part of the episode, considering it adds more nuance to a situation that defined Amphibia’s story. It wasn’t just one person’s fault at the end of the day. Sasha bullied Anne into taking the box, Anne didn’t put her foot down to make a stand for something morally questionable, and Marcy took advantage of them both to benefit her own selfish desires for supposedly a “happy ending” not involving them staying apart, due to her parents moving away for a new job. All three girls played an important part on why they got landed into Amphiba. It’s why Anne’s statement to King Andrias, “The three of us may have made some mistake, but you...You’re evil and I’m gonna stop you!”, holds such a real weight to it, as this story continues to solidify how genuinely fleshed out their dynamic is.

Marcy’s super desperate plea to be understood by Anne & Sasha when Andrias revealed her getting them thrown into Amphibia purposefully was hard to watch. On one hand, I felt for Marcy because she didn’t want real life circumstances to tear apart that close connection she had to Sasha & Anne. Sure, she could’ve just kept in touch with them over the phone or chatting online, too. However, Marcy had known them since very early childhood. When you’ve been so attached to someone it can be a devastating thing, depending on just how vulnerable you are emotionally, to start drifting apart. Marcy represents that embodiment of toxic need for togetherness and couldn’t bear to let a possibility, like moving away, throw a wrench into her happiness and friendship, as well.

Never mind Marcy wanting to stay permanently in a different reality, rather than face her’s, but it made this person feel like something more. It gave her a chance to feel truly special in being able to live out a fantasy dream of having such power and freedom that a kid, like herself, couldn’t have had. The freedom to know she is plenty capable of making it out there on her own without Anne having to watch this kid like a hawk. So, to have someone, or something, try taking it away from her terrified Marcy of facing a terrible truth. That she isn’t strong enough after all to live a life without Anne & Sasha by her side completely, where Marcy will never feel truly worthy enough to blossom into her own person. It’s why that line, “I just...didn’t want to be alone...”, carries such a deep pain to it all. Marcy just crumbles into pieces accepting her greatest weakness. As much as Marcy fumbled the ball big time, it’s so easy to empathize with her on the idea of feeling competent enough. Marcy never meant to hurt Anne or Sasha, but the sad crushing punchline is she very much did.

Speaking of which, Anne had every right to be upset and mad, obviously. Anne has been missing so many things from her life before everything went off the wall. Hopping Mall especially highlighted Anne’s emotional desire to give anything just to hear her mother’s singing again. This teenager has been really dealing with a lot of grief in general quite honestly. Anne got into a high stakes battle against Sasha to save new friends, who’d practically became like an adopted family, which left the poor girl traumatized and heartbroken over the end result. She thought finding Marcy would help compensate for it and eventually be able to mend those complications with Sasha to boot. It’s simply painful to see it all blow up in Anne’s face to know not only Sasha betrayed her trust yet again, but realizing Marcy also played a part of responsibility in getting them thrown here. Matt Braly really just decided to slap future trust issues onto Anne finding out Hop Pop, Sasha, and Marcy were all super dishonest in their intentions at one point or another. Damn, I feel so bad for her.

It makes their embracing hug back in Marcy At The Gates so much harder to watch. Anne was super glad to see her again. Anne had wondered what became of Marcy or even possibly started to think she could even be alive at all. Then come to find out later on Marcy having intentionally ripped her away from a normal life must’ve felt worse then what happened with Sasha. Anne, already done with all of Sasha’s bullshit, thought she could at least expect better from Marcy not letting her down, but that too wasn’t the case. Marcy is very much as flawed as Sasha in what she has done. To think, Anne wanted so badly to get back home, yet she’s staring the very person dead in the eye, who ripped her away from it to begin with. Marcy knew Sasha would talk Anne into taking the box from that thrift shop, even if she wasn’t completely certain it would successfully teleport them away. Regardless of whatever good intentions someone can have in why they did what they did, it still doesn’t absolve them of said mistake. Fact of the matter is, Marcy tragically made her own bed, by choosing to mess with forces she couldn’t begin to comprehend and now has to face consequences, in spite of her not deserving them.

What really got to me was when Marcy tried to spin around Anne’s personal growth and close friendship with the Plantars as all entirely thanks to her. When she said, “I gave you this! I gave you everything!”, I was like, “Nope, that couldn’t be any further from the truth.”, seeing everything that has culminated in Anne’s journey of bettering herself. Marcy didn’t give Anne anything, but a one way ticket to cutting the kid off from her family, presuming she’d be fine with this idea. It’s all kinds of messed up, however what it boils down to is Marcy undermining Anne’s independence and agency. Anne’s moral judgement in decision making was what allowed her to create this new life she made for herself in Amphibia. Anne’s honesty as a whole led her down a path of togetherness, while Marcy’s lying landed her in a result of not wanting to be alone, costing her so much.

“I don’t believe this. We were so focused on each other we couldn’t see what was right in front of us!”

True Colors excels at earning each of its emotional beats because they line up with character motivations down to the last letter. Anne doesn’t want to trust Sasha anymore because of their already rocky past, which leads to her helping King Andrias regain control of his kingdom. Sasha not keeping a lid on her temper, wanting to rule over Amphibia, and trying to reinforce that power dynamic with Anne & Marcy only made things worse for her image of a changed good friend. There wasn’t a chance in Hell Anne would hear Sasha’s reasoning after she flat out tried to take away her frog family, by attempting to use the Calamity Box a bit ago in the episode. Marcy wanted to believe there was a happily ever after in seeing this world traveling idea as their only chance for salvation as friends for life, but it turned out to be something much more sinister, when learning of Andrias’ backstory and his true scumbag nature. All three of their motivations come clashing together, blinding them from a much bigger danger. Something that effectively puts everyone at stake.

Amphibia’s Season 2 finale works so excellently, given it covers important dramatic elements it’s been stirring around since Season 1′s early rumblings. Amphibia is a story centered around people’s need for emotional connections. True Colors builds miraculously off what Reunion already did quite well in showing friendships can become rough and they are never easy to deal with. When you have to make a stand it can be a tough pill to swallow on the reality check of maybe this “good friend” of your’s isn’t as nice as you previously thought them to be. Anne having been hurt one too many times now by her former friend sends that message close to home, so much so even Sasha begins to question her morality as a human being. It poignantly encapsulates how this trio’s complex friendship is a serious growing issue needing to be reexamined, overall.

What if Anne’s right..? What if I am a horrible person...?

Something I absolutely love to pieces about True Colors, also a testament to Season 2′s darn good writing, is how much introspective we get from each character on what they’re feeling. We’ve seen plenty of Sasha’s vulnerability before in other episodes centered on her issues, but now we’re getting to the root of it. Sasha is really taking everything more to heart, little by little. Sasha’s understanding what kind of an effect she has on people, seeing the damage it has caused made evident by Percy and Braddock in Barrel’s Warhammer. Grime once told her, “Some dreams have a price and not everyone is willing to pay it.”, where she’s questioning that idealism every passing minute the invasion plan proceeds further into reaching success. Sasha isn’t sure what to do with herself anymore feeling aimless. Those previous episodes had a real impact on her priorities more than she cared to let on with Sasha’s typical tough girl act. This kid has let her guard down more, which scares and confuses Sasha. She’s always used to playing the role of protector it contradicts everything Sasha stands for when the roles are totally reversed because now Anne has made her feel the tremendous change in their growth as individuals.

Sasha’s lifestyle has been all about control that after somewhat learning to be more considerate to Anne & Marcy’s feelings she feels beyond conflicted about what truly matters to her. The most screwed up part of it all is Sasha didn’t want to fight anymore, taking up a pacifist approach after seeing what King Andrias had been hiding from everyone. It’s a fitting punishment for Sasha to try bringing Anne over to work together once more, but getting her pleas for companionship outright ignored. Anne was correct that Sasha had wasted all the chances to be reasonable. Boonchuy tried to hear out Sasha before at The Third Temple. One wanted to start things over again to iron out their serious issues, but the other was driven by bitterness, while only remorseful to a degree at best, of seeing their once weak friend become so independent, mature, and stronger that it drove her up wall. Sasha wanted to take away that “problem” being the Plantars, since in her eyes they’re the source of Anne’s strength, driving a wedge further between the two girls in their heated Reunion 2.0 battle.

True Colors demonstrates the horrific price of no trust, communication, nor teamwork from the three main girls that Andrias smoothly took advantage of, as if they were fiddles. 

“That’s the thing about friends isn’t it? The more you love them, the more it hurts when they go.”

King Andrias is quite literally what I wanted Lunaris to be, where DuckTales’ Season 2 finale didn’t impress me on doing. He’s a serious big baddie to the main cast, who follows through on his threats of violence to demonstrate his wide array of arsenal and power. Andrias doesn’t just emotionally manipulate characters, like poor Marcy, but utterly crush them without an ounce of remorse for his actions. When he dropped Sprig out that window after Anne willingly let him have the Calamity Box back I thought they were legit gonna kill this boy off. The way Anne’s flashback montage of her good times with Sprig were eerily shot really didn’t help either on that note. Anne’s Calamity power finally activating is easily up there among stuff, like Dewey risking his life for Della’s disappearance in Last Crash, where the cinematography is shot and animated brilliantly. You feel Anne’s blind raging sadness in every hit she landed on those robots and Andrias. If anyone didn’t believe Sprig was like a little brother to Anne, then I dunno how anyone couldn’t view their bond anymore as such after this hugely defining scene. Anne went bloodthirsty when she believed Sprig to be dead further evidenced when she hugged him in relief afterwards exclaiming, “Sprig!? You’re alive!? Oh, thank goodness...”, which cuts deep so damn much.

Anne was ready to fight every one of Andrias’ troops in that castle to the death, if need be. Before Sprig came back from falling, thanks to Marcy’s quick acting, to comfort Anne, her only goal was to slaughter every opponent in that throne room, along with making Andrias pay dearly for even daring to lay a single finger on anyone of the Plantars. I’m not gonna lie, this pivotal power up reminded me so much Gohan turning Super Saiyan 2 after Cell curb stomped Android 16 into pieces with a smirk on his face. Anne Boonchuy’s maddening outburst is a classic testament to the idea of, “Piss off the nicest person and they’ll make it their mission to instill the biggest kind of fear/terror into you.”. showing this kid at her most vulnerable mental state, yet. Sprig & Anne’s cathartic embrace really messed me up in reinforcing just how these two respect, love, and would go above any of their limitations to help the other out. Sprig’s “death” scene was a masterful bait by the writers into making us think someone was gonna die and it was gonna be a poor kid, no less.  

However, it was actually all just a bait and switch for the real, “Oh, shit. They really just did that”, moment with Marcy unexpectedly getting run through with Andrias’ gigantic sword. In a last ditch effort, Marcy wanted to atone for what she had a hand in getting them all into. Marcy was ironclad determined in making her own stand for what was right trying to save the people she endangered. Akin to what Sasha did in Reunion for saving Anne’s life, Marcy does the exact same here. Although, unfortunately this time, no one is here to protect Marcy from escaping death, like Grime catching Sasha from plummeting at Toad Tower. Marcy couldn’t react in time because she was so focused on helping her dear friends out. She wanted to prove to herself at least one time, “I’ve screwed up so much stuff with my friends. Maybe, just maybe. If I get my friends back home, it’ll prove I’m not an entirely crappy person for setting these events into motion.”. Marcy’s own deep seeded remorse is what saved Anne & the Plantars, while being the cause of her own untimely demise at Andrias’ hands.

This scene is what no doubt encouraged the warning sign for younger viewers Disney decided to make for them. It’s impressive how far Matt and his crew are willing to go for intense dramatic content. Andrias trying to crush Polly with his fist after destroying Frobo with casual ease, dropping Sprig out of the window from up sky high, and stabbing Marcy with his powerful sword displays his cold blooded brutality. Doesn’t matter who you are. If you get in the way of Andrias’ plans for multiverse domination, then he’ll throw anyone into their own grave, be it man, woman, or child. That’s the mark of a truly terrifying antagonist.

Andrias didn’t care who had to be hurt or manipulated to get back the box, so he could invade other worlds with Earth being his next prime target for invasion. Marcy’s fate is a horrifyingly poetic statement, since Sasha stated to Anne in a flashback from Marcy At The Gates, “One of these days, she’s gonna get herself killed.”, with True Colors tying back to this line in a disturbing manner. Something that sends chills down my spine is we get to see the full extent of how far Andrias shoved the sword through her body. We don’t just see the entry point of where it hit her, but it even zooms out to show the whole thing. Real talk, I got serious Avatar The Last Airbender vibes from this scene. Reminded me so much of Aang getting suddenly zapped with lightning by Azula when he tried to enter the Avatar state. Marcy didn’t want to be alone so badly she ended up inevitably dying alone trying to send Anne back home to their reality. One Hell of a way to close off Marcy’s last moments in Season 2, until her inevitable resurrection happens in Season 3 now that King Andrias has her in a tube tank that looks tied to his master.

True Colors ends on a deeply bittersweet cliffhanger leaving the fates of Sasha & Grime totally unknown if they’ll get away by the skin of their teeth, or get captured by Andrias’ soldiers and robots. Anne finally returned home with the Plantars, but at a deadly cost of leaving her other close friends behind in Amphibia. After all the isolation, heartbreak, and endurance she went through with her frog family Anne finds herself at a total loss for words. Once again, Anne is in a state of solitude of not knowing if her friends are really okay or not, mirroring the start of Season 1 when she landed into Amphibia’s world. It’s safe to say to say that, “Finally me and it’s no big deal.”, lyrics have aged terribly for Anne’s realization of finding her own identity came at the expense of getting separated from friends she’s known since kindergarten. Definitely see Anne becoming a lot more protective of the Plantars now more than ever after watching Marcy drop to the ground from being stabbed in front of her eyes.

Amphibia’s Season 2 finale is exactly how you capitalize on a winning story telling formula of dramatic writing, lovable characters with layered depth, and increasing the stakes of your story in an organic manner. True Colors is a finale that should be talked about for a long time to come, as it not only showed how worth the wait it was, but reinforces why Amphibia is a truly great series. It’s unafraid to take its characters to dark places in a way that feels totally earned.

Amphibia Season 2 is everything a sequel to a first film should be.

[marsbutterfly]

A Message From Beyond

Summary: In which Hanji sacrificed herself to save you, instead of Moblit sacrificing himself for her.

Notes: This is the second time I've written AND edited a fanfic all by myself, so please bear with me :)

AO3 Version! | Wattpad Version!

It's been weeks, but the empty space where she used to sleep hurts more with each passing day. While your side was perfectly organized, you don't dare touch Hanji's part of the room. You cling onto one of her shirts, trying to feel her once again. 

As you glance at the bedside table, you see a couple of random books and her spare glasses. The sight brings a smirk to your face, "of course you would leave a mess behind" you think to yourself but at the same time, it makes your heart ache.

You can't smell her perfume in the air anymore, and the warmth of her body is gone. The words "I'm all alone" have been hammering in your head since you had come back. A sob escapes your body, no matter how strongly you try to hold it in.

The tears that run down your face bring your body into a state of exhaustion, forcing you to close your eyes and rest. Lately, that has been the only way for you to get some sleep.

.

You open your eyes to find yourself underneath a tree, the sun peeking from behind the leaves keeps your body warm. You rub your eyes as you sit up, trying to recognize your surroundings but with no luck. You can hear a voice in the distance calling your name, the person's face is too far away for you to be able to tell who it is.

As their image becomes more clear, you can finally identify who's calling you and the sight brings tears to your eyes.

"Hey Y/N! I've been looking all over for you... are you all right? Why are you crying?" The figure that once stood in front of you now sits by your side, analyzing your features while concern fills her eyes.

You immediately cross your arms around her neck, not saying a word. You hold onto her cloak allowing the tears you've been so familiar with to come out all at once. You feel her hands gently touching your body, the softness of her fingers against your skin is all you've been thinking about ever since you watched her disappear.

"Hanji..." is all you manage to say while the hiccups and sobs escape your throat.

She doesn't say anything, she closes her eyes and allows herself to feel you in her arms. Her hands go through your hair in an attempt to calm you down. The chilly breeze hits your face while you take a deep breath, a sense of calm in your stomach as you can once again smell her skin.

"I miss you" you whisper in her ear, your face moving down until you reach her lips, not giving Hanji enough time to say it back. As you kiss her, she shifts allowing her back to rest against the tree while you gently sit on her lap. Your hands travel through her neck all the way to her cheeks. You peck her lips gently before separating your faces.

"Why did you have to leave me, Hanji?" the noticeable pain in your voice forces her to look down. She takes a few seconds before answering and, as she does, you run your fingers through your face, drying the tears that form in your eyes. Once she's ready, she flashes you a sad but gentle smile while tucking a strand of hair behind your ears.

"I had to protect you."

Your face contorts into a frown, your bottom lip shaking lightly. "I didn't need to be protected, I can take care of myself."

She lets out a sigh closely followed by a giggle, "at that moment you couldn't."

You rest your head on her chest as she plays with your hair. The memories of that fateful day come rushing through your mind.

-

You can still hear the terrified screams of your comrades as you watch Bertholdt's silhouette rise in the sky as he's about to transform. Yours and Hanji's squad are too close to him. Panic rushing through your veins as you look at your girlfriend.

"Y/N!" You can barely hear her, the buildings around you being destroyed by the explosion and the fire is spreading quickly, there is no way you can survive it. That is until Hanji pushes your body into a decaying old well.

As you are falling, you closely watch as her body is incinerated. In a second, she is gone. The wind that helps your body go down the old well betrays you for a moment when a rock hits your left eye. Once your body collides with the floor, you pass out.

After 20 minutes, you open your eye to find yourself still holding onto the thunder spears. Realization not fully hitting you yet, you make your way up to see the damage. Air barely manages to enter your lungs as you watch the results of the Colossal Titan's transformation. The buildings being thrown around as if they weigh nothing startle you. You take 5 minutes to look around, but with all the fire and dust, you can't find anyone, you quickly realize it wasn't possible for any bodies to be left intact, they were all incinerated.

Before tears have time to form in your eyes, you decide to go looking for the group of teenagers surrounding Eren. You can't remember much after that.

-

You shake your head, trying to push away the painful memories, your hands slightly punching the grass by your side. You once again lay on her chest, allowing her to caress you in the manner you miss so much. It takes you a few minutes to notice you can hear her heart beating. As you sit up a gasp escapes your lips.

"I wish this was real." You look deep into her brown eyes, begging whatever God out there you could make this moment true. Begging for her to come back. Your name falls from her lips as she takes on a serious expression, a strange feeling settling in the pit of your stomach as you stare at her.

"The real fight has yet to begin." She doesn't take her eyes off of you. The uneasiness you are feeling only grows bigger every second that passes and every hair in your body now stands up. "Once you cross the ocean, you'll find out who the real enemy is."

Somehow the air feels thicker and it gets harder to breathe. You can feel your heart pounding in your chest, a confused expression settling on your face.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't tell you much more than this, but Y/N, you shouldn't trust Eren." she pauses for a few seconds, trying to figure out just how much she can tell you. Taking a quick breath, she continues, "Watch out for your friends, especially Mikasa and Armin, they will need you the most."

You start to feel her body fading through your fingertips, her image once again disappearing right before your eyes. Despair is the only feeling you have left.

"I'll always be right here with you, you are never alone." she continues as she places one final kiss on your lips, it's so gentle and quick you can barely feel it.

"Be careful, all right?" is the last thing she says before her body disappears completely from underneath you. You fall on your back, the grass rubs against your skin and it leaves a gentle shade of red to it.

"Hanji.." you whisper while covering your mouth with the back of your hands, whimpers coming out of your body like never before.

Your eyelids are now as heavy as rocks and you can't keep yourself awake. As you drift back to sleep, the darkness around you becomes rather comforting and before you're pulled back to the real world once again, you hear it as clear as the day you met her,

"Y/N, I love you."

.

You open your eyes slowly, trying to shift around on the empty bed in a way so the bright sunshine won't touch you. The empty space by your side feels a little less painful today.

You decide to head to the bathroom to take a cold shower and prepare for the day but Hanji's words not leaving your mind for a second. Don't trust Eren, but why not? Who will we have to face to finally have our freedom?

The warm water against your skin relaxes your shoulders, the steam hiding the scars left by the Colossal Titan's brutal attack. As the soap bar slides through your body, you think about the feeling of your girlfriend's soft hands against your limbs and how she always took care of your injuries. Carefully, you wash your face, slowly feeling the spot where your left eye used to be.

You turn the water off and walk towards your room. The chilly breeze against your skin after such a hot shower brings a gentle smile to your face.

Once you have your clothes on, you make sure to carefully bandage your left eye before grabbing the black eye-patch that rests by the door. As you walk past Hanji's old office, you can almost see her running around with a small sample from a titan in one hand while she looks for a pen, Moblit following her not far behind trying to make sure she's ok. You smile at the now empty room before starting to walk once again.

"Good morning Commander!" You turn around to face the short, blonde-haired boy. You could tell by the look on his face he was exhausted after training, but his smile looking as bright as always.

"Good morning, Armin." you say before flashing him a compassionate smile.

"Will you be joining us for breakfast today?" he asks softly, not wanting his worry towards you to be visible through his voice.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. Mikasa and Eren seem to be waiting for you."

He looks to his left to find his friends waiving at him, so he simply nods at you before sprinting towards them.

You look out the window towards the sky, maybe you're right Hanji, I'm not alone. You continue your path towards the dining room before stopping one last time in front of the massive doors, you can almost feel Hanji's hand on yours as you open them. For the first time since you became the commander, you finally feel like you are ready to be the leader the Survey Corps needs and as a promise to yourself and Hanji, you will not let them down.

[marahope-things]

I think the similarities that people are finding between Adora/Catra and Mara/Light Hope are less to do with the relationships being the same internally (as in, in terms of the dynamics between the two characters) and more to do with the fact that their stories deal with a lot of the major themes of the show, because the two pairings embody a LOT of the major themes of the show between them.

I don’t think it’s an accident or any kind of misrepresentation that the two relationships have parallels, but as someone who enjoys Mara/Light Hope A Whole Lot, while being pleased but more or less happy with how Catradora is presented in the show and not feeling a need to go beyond that, I want to unpick why, and what some of those differences are.

Partly because I think people make broad, thematic-level arguments about why a pairing is attractive to them, and for me, there are a lot of intra-relationship or interpersonal dynamic elements that have more bearing on why I like a ship. And it’s hard to frame in a positive light, but with Catradora, they already engage with some relationship dynamics that I’m a huge fan of (namely, rivalmancy, childhood-friends-to-lovers, and enemies-to-lovers).

The big similarities I see people picking up on are: The mind-control thing, and the "you deserve love too"/"you’re more than what you can give to other people" exchange.

And these are extremely valid parallels! They touch on two Extremely Core messages of the show! They’re very real! And you’re correct—those parallels do mean something about Mara and Light Hope, about their importance to the show and its message. Mara and Light Hope embody many of the show’s core themes, and I am glad people are starting to write about that!

But I find myself sometimes feeling like that’s… not quite the reason why I like the pairing. Y’know?

So, with the caveat that this is just my feelings about the pairing, and probably literally everyone who ships either Catradora or Marahope has a different opinion than me in some way or other, I want to discuss the major differences between Catradora and Mara/Light Hope as I see them.

Because we started liking these ships before we saw the themes that they’d be used to embody in the end, right?

Breaking it down

What Adora and Catra have is a rivalmancy, essentially—especially when they’re first introduced.

Even when they’re on the same side, they have a competitiveness to their dynamic, and part of what drives their split is that Catra, on some level, resents Adora for getting all of the things that she wants, but can’t have, because of (basically) Shadow Weaver—and then abandoning both it and her. It’s a rivalry between peers, fellow soldiers, and there’s a colossal amount of abandonment issues and emotional trauma involved as well. They’re also both close to the same age.

And they were raised together. They spent their formative years extremely close, and their split has a lot in common (probably intentionally) with painful adolescent splits that happen as people grow up, change, grow apart, and (sometimes) come back together. It’s quite moving!

Mara and Light Hope aren’t peers in the same sense; you get the sense that they started out more like co-workers, and their eventual split only happens because Light Hope has their mind wiped and their ability to choose taken away from them (Catra, on the other hand, makes a lot of choices that put her and Adora at odds, often intentionally). The two of them work together and depend on each other, and they become friends, and their roles are complementary. Literally neither of them could do the other’s job, and they depend on each other’s skillset and resources to stay safe and fulfill their own duties effectively.

So they meet as fully-formed (relatively) people in a professional context and become closer, rather than being together for those formative years and undergoing a separation as they change and discover they don’t fit the same way they used to.

There’s also an implication that Light Hope may have trained other She-Ras in the past. I don’t know how long Mara expected her tenure as She-Ra to be, but it seems like that could be a lifelong commitment, once she’s been chosen. If so, then that could imply that Light Hope’s "age" (though I don’t know if that’s something anyone would even keep track of for an AI, because they weren’t supposed to change and “grow” like a person) is on the scale of centuries by the time she meets Mara.

And even if you headcanon them traveling to Etheria together immediately after Light Hope was minted, they’re still not really anything like Catra and Adora in their dynamic. The development of their relationship has a lot more in common with interspecies or human-AI relationships in sci-fi—Terminator, Andromeda, and Killjoys come immediately to mind.

I’m also intentionally including platonic relationships here, like John Connor and Uncle Bob in Judgement Day, too, because this is such an established trope, and touches on some of those Core Sci-Fi Questions that exist in the genre—about the nature of life, consciousness, sentience, individuality, and choice. It’s not just in a romantic context that you see humans and AIs ruminating to each other about what beauty is, why people find flowers “pretty”, what it means to have free will, to feel emotions, or to be an individual. Hell, you can even include Data from Star Trek in that list.

But it is also something of a trope for AIs to "fall in love" or develop special bonds with humans that they work particularly closely with, or for humans to fall in love with AIs (sometimes they go more Pygmalion with the latter and cast the human as the AI’s creator).

Which brings me to the core trope being engaged in Mara and Light Hope’s relationship, one that Noelle has actually alluded to in their remarks during the "Exit Interviews" streams:

Relationship makes Light Hope more than their intended purpose.  

Memory and programming

In one of the streams, Noelle states that the writers’ room made the decision that something about Etheria "broke" the people who have tried to conquer it, and kind of made them part of itself (God this show has Star Wars all over it). He uses several examples, including Hordak.

Hordak, however you feel about him, develops a sense of individuality that makes his re-assimilation into the greater Horde impossible. Like Light Hope, he remembers things he isn’t supposed to, and on being presented with a physical reminder of Entrapta and his relationship with her, Horde Prime’s conditioning begins to break down.

Over the course of her arc, Mara comes to realize that being She-Ra means something more than her superiors have told her, and on realizing what her superiors are doing to Etheria, concludes that She-Ra, and all of Etheria, are being exploited and need to be protected from the First Ones. So, by betraying the First Ones (breaking her oath to them), Mara fulfills her role as She-Ra.

And Light Hope falls in love with Mara, something she was never supposed to be able to do. In the end, it is the memory of Mara that allows Light Hope to break through her programming long enough to allow Adora to destroy the Sword.

I know I brought up how AIs gaining sentience and self-will is a trope within sci-fi, but the best recent example that I can think of off the top of my head (and the reason I was able to articulate this at all) is actually The Good Place, with Janet.

In The Good Place, successive reboots are the in-universe mechanism that allows Janet to grow and change—but it’s her relationship with the other core characters that shapes who she becomes and what she believes. In fact, if she hadn’t been stolen and rebooted so many times in the first place, she never would have become who she did at all.

So: Like the rest of the cast, relationship makes Janet more than she was originally intended to be. Relationship makes Janet whole and fully alive. Light Hope’s story is, um, a bit more tragic, but I think the comparison works.

Catra and Adora, on the other hand, are dealing with a separate problem(/s): Catra’s pain and abandonment (and Adora’s self-abandonment) as a result of what they endured growing up, and the angst of childhood friends growing up and growing apart. It fits very squarely within the parameters of She-Ra as a kids’ TV show.

To boil it all the way down, their relationship *is* the problem. And it takes the whole show to fix it.

What’s suggested by the (sparse) textual evidence on Mara and Light Hope is that their relationship followed a more well-worn sci-fi path: By becoming friends with Mara, Light Hope learns how to be in relationship with another person, how to make her own choices, go against her programming as needed—how to have fun and appreciate beauty and being. Her falling in love with Mara is, metaphorically, her learning how to be alive in the world. Through loving Mara, she gets a glimpse of a world beyond being someone’s instrument, someone’s tool.

That’s part of what’s so heartbreaking and beautiful about them: In the midst of a situation that’s that’s built on deception, concealment, and coercion, where both of them appear to have been lied to or denied the entire truth by their superiors, where Mara, Light Hope, and the entire planet of Etheria are considered expendable by their superiors as long as they get their shiny weapon, Mara (who seems to understand that there’s more to life than duty and heroism) creates a space for Light Hope that is free from the constraints of her programming, to a degree. And as a result, Light Hope changes.

If Light Hope is a villain for her role in all of this (and this is complicated by the fact that she’s a programmatic being created for a particular purpose), then loving Mara is part of what makes her redemption possible. Her relationship with Mara makes her more than a weapon. In fact, it breaks her as a weapon.

And there’s certainly elements of that in Catra and Adora’s relationship, but it’s not the throughline that it is for Light Hope and Mara until you get to season 5—a full three quarters of the way through the show.

Love also doesn’t play as positive of a role in Catra’s redemption arc, really (where her parallels to Light Hope would be the most obvious), both because her villainy is something she explicitly chooses, and because her internal conflict and pain regarding her feelings for Adora are so much a part of her villainy. It only becomes redemptive in Adora’s struggle with the Failsafe—i.e. when we get back into the world of the First Ones, where most of the themes of "destiny" live.

So yeah. That’s the breakdown. I want to get into the individual tropes, but I’m going to have to save that for another day.

[spnsmile]

Outbreak (destiel drabble) 😷☕

Cas looking sadly down his phone with iron grip after texting his husband 30 minutes ago that he's just tested positive of corona virus, tries not to hold the burning tears at the back of his eyes while he sits alone inside the isolation room.

It had been a sweet beginning of the week with Dean kissing him good morning with a tray of breakfast in bed, hot soup and energy booster stuff. Dean is great at home cooking. Everything he prepares is like a meal shared with the gods guaranteed to make your day. Had he known he won't be able to see Dean for days next, he would have spend more time with his husband.

Cas is a doctor and the days went by alarmingly tough with rising numbers of people infected. He tells Dean he isn't in the ICU unit, being a Pediatrician, he's not much exposed like his fellow doctors, doesn't mean the kids don't get sick.

He assures Dean he is okay and keeps urging his husband to wash his hands, eat healthy food and almost everything he knows that can keep his husband safe while he takes care of those arriving in the hospital.

Dean is a firefighter and thus knows the importance of self-preservation in order to save many.

But five days later, Cas ends up positive.

Gone are the days he and Dean are worried about another kind of testing, but hey.

An hour later, here he is, alone and afraid of what's to come.

He imagines Dean receiving his text with dagger stabbing both their hearts. He couldn't call him without breaking. If he starts crying now, Dean will absolutely rush here and look how much good that will do them. Dean hasn't replied yet so maybe Dean hasn't read but...

Cas thinks of Dean finding their home empty, thinks of Dean reading the message plastered on their refrigerator with his three xxx. Hopes Dean doesn't touch it, seems pretty stupid now. Dean knows the importance of self preservation to save many.

He thinks of Dean in his uniform, watching the news with the others with arms crossed, the bulge of his muscles outlined. He imagined Dean changing his boots then quickly looking at the message with his green eyes, usually bright, slowly round in surprise. He thinks of Dean... been thinking of him forever with his boyish grin and dumbjokes, Cas is sure his husband's top priority would be to cheer him up despite this crisis, because only Dean could...

But he can't be with Dean and the thought hurts.

Can't be with Dean... but he can't be without Dean... but also... staying away... For Dean.

Memories flash like a slow movie wrapped in soft lights fill his eyes, and mostly it's just Dean. All of it. His head is full of Dean.

The firm lips he'd been biting on begin to quiver. His eyes blazing of flames and waterworks rush out on display.

Much more than his own pain is the picture of Dean waking up to find himself alone on the bed, in the kitchen, in the garage, on the couch they both love and make love on.

Had he known last Monday was the last time he'd see Dean, he would have told him how much he loves him and would like another lifetime with him. It breaks his heart to leave Dean when the world is dark and uncertain, the lonely place they both left behind to be together now clawing them back to its empty center.

He promised Dean he wouldn't ever leave. Promised him he would stay. Now they won't even be allowed to touch, let alone, see.

Cas doesn't know what's going to happen to them, to the world, or when it will stop and when the world will be okay. Like everyone else fumbling over the pandemic virus unprepared of its horror and colossal damage to mankind, Cas fears the future.

Roller coaster of emotion hits him real time but he wills himself to calm. For Dean.

To be strong. For Dean.

But waiting for Dean's message is nerve wracking and Castiel figures out it's only just the beginning.

Swallowing his heart, his body unusually hot and aching, Castiel leans on his knees, bows his head and wraps both hands at the back of his head waiting...

He doesn't know what.. The good news? The bad? He knows Dean will try to reach him but with the hospital already infected and probably nearing quarantined?

He wished he told Dean how much he loved him. Wished Dean didn't have to be so groggy when he kissed him goodbye. He closes his eyes and prays.

I want to see him.

Loud voices outside alert Castiel who raise his head to the door in confusion. Seconds next, the door burst open and to Castiel's horror and relief, Dean comes barging in, eyes glaring like a mad dragon hot and flaring and searching for its unabandoned treasure.

Their eyes instantly locked and whatever it is that's keeping Castiel's expression deadpan, crumbles to pieces when he sees his husband whose green eyes flicker over him-

"Cas!" Dean yells like his life depended on it.

"D-Dean!" the voice didn't belong to him. Emotion hits skyhigh and before he knows it, he's standing up and the angry growl of command comes washing everything out of his system. "You get the hell away from here, Dean!"

Dean startles because Cas is really angry. At the back of his mind, he knew Dean was gonna pull this. That Dean would break heaven and hell to get to him but to see it in progress- one emotions remains.

Love.

So much love for Dean to the point of sending him away. He sees Dean's eyes on him for a moment, then he's gone and in three steps yanks Castiel on his arms.

"Idiot." Dean hisses, warm cheeks pressing hard on the side of Castiel's head, making the doctor's heart thunder against their pressing chest.

Cas smells ash and singed hair on Dean as the doctor tries to pull away, but he's weak against the strong arms he didn't know he's been craving a lot. Dean whose presence immediately send sparks of life in his dull existence, "Kinda little too late for that, don't you think? I think I'm positive already."

"What?"

"There's fire on Fifth ave right before you messaged. Had to rescue an old man on wheelchair stuck on the 10th floor. He's on quarantine already. They don't think he will survive."

Castiel gasps on his husband's chest, his hands curling on the man's waist.

"Dean... Are you...?"

"I think so." Dean noses the back of Cas ear, leaving warm on the places his mouth while Cas shuts his eyes as if in pain.

"It's alright, they are husbands." says a voice flatly coming from the door where a medical worker in full equipper suit against contamination is frowning. "Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to stay still until we get more personnel-"

"I'm not going anywhere." Dean rumbles, his arms around Castiel digging solid and pulling even closer, almost rendering his husband breathless. Castiel stays in those protective arms feeling light headed and safe.

"Dean..." he begins softly, all emotions given in one name.

"So... This is us making do on till death do us part?" Dean chuckles but his quaking voice betrayed him. The way he holds Castiel like he can hold him forever.

"We don't even know if you're really infected, Dean! I don't want to think of you dying..."

"What are you talkin about? I'm already dead without you, honey..."

"That's a depressing thought." he tightly grips the fabric of Dean's jacket and buries his nose on the burrow of his husband's neck. Delight and dread mixes together, but it's hard not to cling for support when he's so weary and so alone.

"We won't die, Cas. We'll win this thing too like how we won the others. Okay?"

Castiel's logic wants to argue, wants to point out hundreds of scenarios why this hugging and embracing is bad. He thinks of the many cases already spreading in the world and of Dean adding in theit number. In a world where the future seems bleak, one voice speaks the loudest in his ears.

"We'll get through this together."

"Mr. Winchester," says a voice from the door again, "I'm afraid you're gonna have to let go of Mr. Winchester. For now, if you please."

Dean sighs and he and Cas parts a little to get a good look at the other. Cas almost whimpers because he thought he'd never see those green eyes, those freckles that makes his husband...

"I hate em polite people. Makes you guilty after punching one of their security off."

"Dean!"

"He's wearing the helmet and covers, alright? It's my hand that hurts."

Castiel clicks his tongue. "So what are we going to do now?"

Dean looks over his shoulder to the waiting medical team, then whips his head back to his husband, cups Cas' small frame on his large hands and pulls him- just pulls him into a very mouthwatering deep kiss.

And nobody stopped them.

At least till the doctors are groaning and calling for support.

"You're gonna have to bear for a month till you're both cleared, Mr. Winchester, Mr. Winchester. Let's try not to make another string of the virus. I would not need to remind you to wash your hands, but for fucksake, hands off."

It was better safe than sorry.✨

#would like to thank the real heroes fighting corona 😷 stay healthy and please be strong!

#not intended for any offense ✌

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 122 Thoughts

In the world of the living, injustices go unanswered. Villains are allowed to prosper. Crimes that go against everything humanity should stand for become so standard that people tire of feeding the outrage that should come naturally. Yes, the world is wrong. Oh well. There’s nothing to be done. This is the way it is.

There are monsters outside. Don’t ever go there. There are monsters outside. Don’t ask how they came to be. There are monsters outside. Don’t expect sympathy if you die trying to vanquish them.

This is how it is. Don’t fight it.

Die, and let your continuing legacy be death.

Do not question it.

Be a good girl.

In a world like that, destruction becomes salvation. A world like that does not deserve to survive.

How magnificent it would be if that meant it didn’t. How magnificent it would be if every trace of it were trampled to death, never to rise again.

Surely that would be right.

In the arena of mental health, a popular distortion--that I’m sure the internet has more than a passing familiarity with--is referred to as black and white thinking. Something must either be good or bad. There is no room for nuance. Pick a side, and set the other one on fire.

What I’ve found in my personal experience is that the more heightened your emotional stress, either from the topic at hand or just in general, the easier it is to fall into that type of thinking. The opposing viewpoint is such an active affront that paying it any consideration feels like physical pain. Annihilating it makes more sense than trying to reason with it.

Eren has always provided a good window into that emotional state. He isn’t without nuance, and he can learn from others, but he feels things very deeply. He feels things very deeply in a world that has initially forgotten what that even looks like. Eren is a suicidal bastard for wanting his world to be something better than it is. It takes years and several superpowers for his people to see him as more than that.

With the stark, horrifying glimpse at the OG Ymir’s life, it is difficult to mind that the world is exploding.

The fact that someone is finally willing to hug this girl and let her have her own feelings is more important than anything else.

Two thousand years, and the closest anyone ever came to thinking this cycle should stop was to lock all of her descendants in a cage and take away all their choices, just as with the very first round.

As abominable as what Eren has done is, and as outlandish as the logic that’s taken him through all of this is, Eren has always been relatable because he’s human.

He isn’t like Jean, who longs for the average but has his eyes opened and chooses to be something more. Eren is humanity’s extremes.

Within the confines of the world he lives in, the fact that the walls just when kaboom is not good. It is, by many standards, very, very bad, and this is a problem that goes beyond the current problems, which Eren caused, which are similarly very, very bad.

Most of what Eren has done is incredibly bad. In ways that can’t be understated.

Yet the desire to see this world destroyed is perfectly understandable. As a member of the audience, watching Ymir’s life and seeing every speck of her freedom and agency violated time after time, only for no one and nothing in the world fight back for her sake--

It almost feels triumphant, giving her choice enough to become yet another monster of destruction in her ever-persisting line.

Thousands giant monsters erupting from their cages and spelling doom for anyone who crosses them feels like a fair response to Ymir’s suffering, and it is incredibly tempting to let this world burn. A world that does this to a little girl deserves as much agency as it’s given her.

Eren hugging her and letting destruction fall does not feel like the disaster it is, in light of everything she has been through.

Emotionally.

On every other level, including several different emotional ones... this... continues to be bad.

It is satisfying to watch Eren have the correct response to flagrant injustice. Even in his most futile moments, his righteous fury and certainty that something is wrong is a breath of fresh air. It’s humane in a world that has forgotten its humanity. That is the person who remembers to hug a little girl instead of making demands of her.

What causes problems is only everything else.

Of which there is a lot.

Eren still breaks his friends’ hearts, he still lets his cult run rampant, he still lets the higher ups in the military be drugged, he still betrays every confidence every person has ever had in him.

On a personal scale: bad.

On a worldly scale: somehow worse.

Paradis is universally hated and feared. Marley, a nation who has caused destruction as freely as the very first king who chooses to enslave Ymir and her children, is painted sympathetically in the light of Eren’s actions.

What has happened to Eldians has been undeserved from the start, and Eren’s actions answer for the injustice of one while piling injustices upon her children.

Ymir should have her freedom. Eren appears to have won it for her through abandoning the entire rest of the world.

Somewhat as a byproduct of wanting to destroy the world that does all of these horrible things. I’m not sure he knew Ymir existed before his Inception journey with Zeke.

Eren is still the person who can fight for people who deserve better, but his request remains the same.

“Ymir, our founder. Lend me your strength.” --120

“I’ll put an end to this world. Lend me your strength.”

Unlike Zeke, he hasn’t made demands. Even before he understands the full story, he asks. He wants this to be a partnership. But for all his drive to reach the Coordinate, I don’t think he expected the little girl he found.

Eren has followed a script he doesn’t fully understand, to make his desire to change the world come to fruition. Saving Ymir is what happens because of who Eren is, but it only happens because he needs her power to do whatever he’s planning.

He does not come here intending to save her.

Normally I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on that, but I think with all of Eren’s recent choices, it deserves to be belabored a tad. The kindness he shows Ymir is heartbreaking and uplifting, but it’s coming from a man who has willingly committed the same atrocities Ymir performed as a slave.

He saves her thanks to their kindred spirit. In desperation, to stop his brother.

Eren is still Eren. He still knows how to be kind, and gentle with people. He still knows right from wrong.

He has done horrible things, and there has yet to be a justification for his methods.

The explanation for wanting this world destroyed is everywhere. Look at Marley. Look at what Paradis was. Look at Eren’s cult. Look at what the Eldian Empire was. Look at Ymir’s entire life. Look at all the damage that has come from one girl’s enslavement.

Burning all of it to the ground is understandable. With Ymir running the show, it’s even deeply sympathetic. Eren is the only person to give a damn about her in 2000 years, and after what the world has done to her, I don’t think any reaction from her could be called unfair.

The choices Eren has made are still appalling.

All of his allies want to be free. They’ve fought by his side. Without his powers. Trying for better. Working for better.

Eren dismisses all of their efforts to walk alone.

Without even knowing the full story. He’s still learning about his abilities, after such an extended period of planning in secret. None of his work in isolation has done as much for his efforts as luck.

So that’s Eren.

A disaster, but ever a human one.

Then enter... I don’t know how to put it. The core of the story?

There isn’t going to be much about this chapter I can say I like. There’s too much damage to use language like that.

What I appreciate, is that throughout all of the chaos of Eren being a jackass question mark, the story still stays true to itself, and the very basic concepts it had in the beginning.

From the moment humans are born, they’re free.

No one has the right to take that away.

Ymir’s freedom is bastardized again and again. Her one touch of power brings her into a world worse than ever before, and condemns her to a life that is never her own. Her most active choice is giving her power to a boy who asks instead of considering it his privilege.

Her enslavement is wrong. Her isolation is wrong. Her death removing her final semblance of choice is an abomination.

From the very beginning, Ymir and her children are turned against the world as weapons, with varying degrees of choice. It can be guessed that several hundred years later, her descendants are making their own bad choices, such as in the case of King Fritz.

It still starts from a slave not being allowed freedom.

Marley uses the exact same methods as the Eldian ruler.

They have their Warriors.

It is an honor to be a Warrior.

A mark of respect. A recognition of their worth. To be better than the scum they come from.

It is a reward for Ymir to bear the Eldian ruler’s children.

A reward for her to bring life into the world that will watch her die before them and be commanded to eat her corpse before it cools.

Ymir’s curse isn’t dying from her power.

It’s her enforced powerlessness eating her alive, the same way Eldians have fed on each other for centuries. Forced into a life of slavery, she is still there after two-thousand years, watching her children eat each other. Knowing that it all began in her.

She started this story.

What a nightmare it is that it never changes.

One way or another, she and her children can never be free.

In the many discussions about the ending of this series, and the rumbling, I’ve often wondered what happens to the Colossals inside the walls. Because oddly, for a series that is so good about contemplating moral quagmires, it hasn’t come up that the final refuge of Paradis is to command their enslaved kin to protect them.

As the freckled Ymir describes it, being a titan is a living nightmare. The titans in the walls have been asleep, but presumably in that nightmare for over a hundred years.

There’s been no talk of their humanity. No talk of their freedom. No talk of putting them to rest.

They are weapons, as Ymir’s children always will be.

Ideally, in a happy world, Eren activating them means that maybe they’ll be free, just like everyone else.

In a happy world, Eren would not have taken the steps he has to get here.

But it is a confusing bit of thematic inconsistency if he truly does plan on using the rumbling. He’s finally using the powers in a way that will put an end to... something, clearly in a way that he views as different from Zeke’s plan, but for the moment, we’ve got miles and miles of Colossals, mindless and awake.

Several somethings are going to die, whatever the intentions here.

It’s hard to picture how this results in a free world for Ymir and her progeny, yet after this chapter, I think it’s fair to say that’s what’s being attempted. Eren is destroying the world of the Eldian ruler, which has kept all of them cursed. That’s not a bad thing.

Freeing Ymir is not a bad thing. Freeing the walls is not a bad thing. Objecting to Zeke’s plan is not a bad thing.

Every single bad thing leading up to these circumstances does not inspire confidence. Nothing about Eren suggests someone with the stability to use this power in a way that won’t start a new age of tyranny.

It’s just throwing more slaves at the problem.

Which, in a rare bout of consistency for post-time skip Eren, is not something he agrees with. So this promises to be fun.

Last, but not least...

Hell, no one wants me to rant about Historia. Again. I don’t want to write it all out. Again. It’s a tired topic full of pitfalls and unpleasantness, and I would so prefer to not bring it up, but every single part of this plot makes her absence so conspicuous it threatens to cause physical pain.

“You’re no slave. You’re no god. You’re just a person.” --Eren, 122

“Exterminate the Titans?! What a pain in the ass! Who’d volunteer to do that?! In fact, I think humanity’s the problem!! We should just let the Titans destroy mankind!

[...]

I can’t be a good girl… and I don’t want to be a god.” --Historia, 66

This chapter begins with Historia. It begins with the origins of Krista Lenz, modeled after Ymir. A performance that ultimately breaks down when Historia decides to live for herself and make her own choices, through the strength of a different Ymir.

Eren is there for that fracture. He’s the one crying and bloody from bowing to the fate of the world in that saga. Historia saves him despite his best efforts, and Eren’s exchange with Ymir echoes her too well for him to have forgotten.

So we begin this chapter with Historia.

Whose current plotline, as told by the story, is getting pregnant for the good of her people. Or generally for the good of someone not her.

Historia creates Krista Lenz to be like Ymir.

Krista Lenz does not survive. She is an obstacle to Historia’s freedom, and Historia reclaims that instead of her childhood aspirations that are only a shadow of what she truly wants.

Then, now, we have the elephant in the room.

I once made the argument that Historia’s role in this arc would be better served by a nameless monarch we knew nothing about.

Ymir has a name, but I feel that she proves my point fairly well.

Her tragedy is sympathetic and abhorrent, and clearly details the evils of the world without violating anything fundamental about her character. This is simply her life, with misfortune and cruelty guiding it more than her own choices.

If you line up their character development, Eren’s outburst this chapter is in keeping with Historia’s outburst sixty chapters ago.

Historia’s current, stated plot significance, is equivalent to if Ymir, several years into the future and randomly not in Paths Hell, obediently, miserably, provided a new heir for the sake of  the Eldians.

All without ever having her own voice.

Ymir’s given panels and panels of the horror she is personally experiencing; Historia’s story is told by everyone except for her.

The fact that their fates line up so well would only be poetic if Historia hadn’t already had her character development reclaiming herself as a person. This is new for Ymir. It is not new for Historia, and considering that the plot is very firmly supporting free will and choice and personal agency, including her in that as-is really only repeats a storyline she’s already lived through once, and if that’s put her in her current position, there is no reason to trust the story when it does it again.

Historia’s role continues to be incongruent with the rest of her writing, and direct quotes spoken by herself within her own character arc continue to be the simplest way of pointing that out.

Meanwhile, the veneer of pretending that there’s no social commentary involved in that subplot basically implodes in the first page of this chapter.

Ymir is explicitly described as “girlish,” and her demanded role in the story, as well as the role of her female children, is to breed.

That is unquestionably framed as horrifying.

Yay.

The themes of the story don’t mean much if they aren’t answered in turn by the narrative beats honoring them. Historia’s part in this, as presented, is an aberration that actively harms the story being told.

Yes, still.

Which is comforting only in that it means the story can’t finish without addressing that. Everyone scream and shout for joy.

I feel like I’m even more okay than usual with November taking its time getting here.

[halapenojalapeno]

Skinny Love.

Kaidan was sitting in the café on the Citadel when an unpleasant thought wormed its’ way into his head. He realised that, despite it coming as quite the shock, he probably should have known. He drummed his fingers on the table with one hand while using the other to quietly sip his drink, grateful that he’d managed to avoid the lunchtime crowds. Where was Shepard? He was not generally an impatient man, but the longer she took the longer he would have to ruminate on the events that had past.

He had noticed within hours of being in her presence as they prepared for the Mars mission that Shepard’s behaviour towards him was markedly different. She was still as unfathomably kind to him as she’d always been, despite his harsh attitude towards her. She had the same warm demeanour towards him as she’d always had, as if he had left her crew for a few days rather than a few years. Yet, there was no questioning that something had changed. She no longer reached out to touch him, whether it was to brush against his arm, a gentle squeeze of his fingers, or to feel his arm round her shoulders. She had told him once in confidence that she did it because on Earth she’d never had anyone precious to her and she wanted to know he was close, in a conversation that felt like it was lifetimes ago.

The mission itself ended in disaster for Kaidan as he was gravely injured, but the coming weeks of recovery provided him with a moment of clarity. Why in all the galaxies had he been acting like such a colossal prat? His thoughts floated back to Horizon, where it all went wrong. “I loved you!” He spat it out to her in the past tense, as if he could ever get past his feelings for her. Shepard had implored, she pleaded with him to just try to see it from her side, but in the heat of the moment he’d decided that she wasn’t trustworthy. Instead he flipped it round to insinuate that Shepard was the one that was blind. “They can decide if they believe your story,” the thinly veiled insult hit its mark and Kaidan had to grit his teeth to stop himself from grimacing at the hurt on Shepard’s face. It was clear she knew what Kaidan had meant to say was ‘I don’t believe a word you have said.’ Still she tried again for him, one more time: “I could use someone like you on my crew Kaidan, it’d be just like old times,” She spoke tentatively, and he had understood she was asking for more than just another crew member. “No it won’t; I’ll never work for Cerberus.” He replied forcefully. “Goodbye Shepard.” He hadn’t meant for it to be the end, despite the fact he was the one that said goodbye. It was all a bit of a mess after that, Kaidan mused, sliding the lump of ice from his glass into his mouth. He thought about the shaky correspondence he sent to Shepard that was intended to rectify his mistake, to show he hadn’t meant to end it. It was too late, though, and a few months later a letter was delivered to his door written in her chunky, slightly slanted handwriting. Then another. Then another. By the fourth he’d all but worked out what it was that could possibly be so important it warranted the effort of handwritten letters. After all, he knew Shepard and she would want to soften the blow as much as possible and if it couldn’t be in person then the most personal method available to her would have to do even if she struggled with it – being able to read and write weren’t really a priority for her when she was growing up on Earth’s back streets. He didn’t read them for he was sure that the whoever had caught Shepard’s eye would be talked about in them and he couldn’t bear to look. So, he buried himself in his work in a pathetic attempt to hide from any mention of her name and, to be fair, it was paying off; he even got promoted to Major. Until the whole galaxy went to shit with the arrival of the frickin Reapers. So they were together again and yet not for the mission to Mars and then, stuck in a hospital bed, Kaidan couldn’t avoid the information he was so desperately hiding from. The nurses were gossiping about Shepard’s exploits on one of Palaven’s moons – shooting Husks and Marauders, saving the Primarch, basically kicking ass like always… and afterwards, sharing a passionate moment with Garrus Vakarian. This was the truth, Kaidan thought as he waved over the waiter to order another drink, that he he should’ve known. Garrus and Shepard were always close, and had Garrus not been a turian maybe Kaidan would’ve had to tell him to back off. As it was, “Shepard and Vakarian are the one true pairing of the Normandy” was the most popular joke during those precious moments of peace and laughter while trying to stop Saren, despite both their protests to the contrary. Still, the news stunned Kaidan; betrayed, not only being cheated on by his love but she had done so with his friend. Of course, that wasn’t exactly true – knowing Garrus he wouldn’t allow a relationship with someone if they were romantically entangled elsewhere – but it was an easier truth than that of the letters Kaidan refused to read. The news helped Kaidan finally plucked up the courage to ask Shepard about fixing their relationship, so he sent her an email to ask her to visit. Naturally she came as soon as she read it, but as she walked in wearing a look of concern while trying her hardest not to look haggard, her back straight and hands held behind her back in military style, Kaidan lost the nerve. Yes, this woman was the real Shepard, but times had changed and so had she. He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time in years and he could see the worry and the stress and the fraying nerves written all over it. He was not going to be the one to make an already gruelling situation worse. Not this time. Kaidan was going to trust Shepard, he was going to believe her, and he proved it in the situation with Udina on the Citadel. He was not going to have another Horizon. He supported Shepard like he should have done the first time around, and stood down when she asked him to. Perhaps there is still a chance, a little voice in his head had mused, but he crushed it, reminding himself that Garrus was stood by her side when Shepard confronted him, possibly ready to shoot Kaidan down to protect her. Once he’d joined the crew again he could see how happy Garrus made her, much as it pained him to admit it. When Kaidan was with Shepard she seemed to glow, but with Vakarian she positively sparkled. Kaidan watched dumbfounded as Shepard was pushed from one precarious situation to the next, like Rannoch and Thessia, and when it seemed like she was about to break Garrus would wrap an arm around her, pressing his head against Shepard’s and the tension would melt out of her. She’d peck him and gently whisper secret loving words to him and when she pulled away the deep-set lines of worry in her face would have eased. It was for that reason that Kaidan ignored the burning ache in his chest at the sight of them. He did have one very awkward conversation about the situation on Garrus’s insistence which resulted in him punching the Turian squarely in the mandibles, but after that he held on to no real resentment toward him. Losing Shepard was altogether of Kaidan’s own doing. Kaidan was snapped out of his thoughts by the sight of Shepard walking towards him. She was dressed in civvies, an N7 jumper and some sporty leggings, and had her blazing red hair tied into a messy ponytail. He shook his head as if doing so would dislodge the memories he was just reliving, regretting it instantly as his implant created dull spikes of pain in response. He grabbed a menu as she dumped herself into the nearest chair. “Hey, Kaidan. Went for a quick run first, you know, fire up the appetite,” She flashed him a cheeky grin and scooted her chair round to peek over his menu. “I’m surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this,” he murmured, pretending not to notice the proximity. “Maybe it’s better not to ask,” Shepard laughed heartily, a sound that was becoming scarce as the battles raged. Kaidan considered telling her that he had never stopped loving her, that he was still waiting for her, that Horizon was a horrible mistake… but what would be the point? All that would happen was that Shepard would stop enjoying herself, stop being able to laugh with him.

Once again, Kaidan lost the nerve.

[satansluvchild]

Ch 1- Why am I in a cave?

Everyone had betrayed me. My parents' greed, school bullies, and even Joyce ended up painfully stabbing me in the heart in the end. The deep hatred I had for the world slowly began to grow into a being. The pain of breathing slowly faded into the background as my miserable life flashed beyond my eyes. I had accomplished little to nothing with my time on earth. I was tormented every day by strangers and family alike. I had no good memories of my life, and while it was bittersweet, I felt a bit of relief this world would no longer abuse me. While I laid in the puddle of my blood, I made a promise to bring hell on earth. I Nicholas Grimsby made that halfhearted promise as I stared up at the darkening sky and took my last gasp of air into my chest.

I became alarmed when I regained consciousness. The excessive warmth and agonizing pain got crueler as more time went by. Was this hell? Did I have to go through even more suffering? I tried to open my eyes but could not muster the strength even to lift them. I sat in pain for what felt like an eternity until it abruptly ended as quickly as it had come. While my physical pain left, I was still depressed about how things had happened. Why would Joyce trick me?

Sweating and weak, I tried to hear if any sounds could tell me where I was currently. The only thing I could hear was a constant dripping of water, the faint sound of the wind from time to time, and the steady beating of my own heart. Feeling around to figure out where exactly I was lying on was out of the question; I could not control my body's movement. Irritated, I tried a few more times; this seemed to have the opposite effect and made my already weak body exhausted; I decided the best decision would be to regain my strength and produce a plan to escape wherever I had been taken. The thought of being kidnapped or buried alive came to my mind, but I was too tired to worry too much about my situation.

The point being, I had already come to terms with death, and it seemed my situation was not as bad as it was previously. As far as I could tell, I was currently not in danger and should reserve my strength. I had been stabbed, which means I must've somehow survived the ordeal by luck. But there was no telling how long I had been here or when my captor was set to arrive. I needed to prepare in case of a fight. A few hours later, I woke with a start ... time seemed to become skewered by the eternal darkness. The pain I felt when I regained consciousness the first time hit me like a punch to the gut, pouring a bucket of water onto my grogginess; all I could do was take shallow breaths as I felt an unbearable pain that could only be compared to being torn apart like a rag doll and then slowly sewn up tightly. The pain would fade then start up again, getting each time worst. If this went on any longer, I indeed would lose the little sanity I kept. Again, like the first time, the pain quickly left as it came, only leaving me with a horrible headache and sweltering warmth. I needed to try and find medical help and escape the woods I had been hurt in. If I didn't make it in time, I would die from the fever I got from the stab wounds.

I wanted to sleep again, but I needed to assess what was going on quickly. I concluded that I somehow ended up in a cave. At first, I thought a wild bear or Joyce and her partners must have taken my body to eat or hide, but I became relieved when no growling or more pain showed up. Maybe the predator forgot this cave, or I was in it; perhaps my old friend thought I was dead. Whatever the situation was, I needed to find my way out of this place if they make an appearance. I was able to move my body after a couple of tries, but my sight never seemed to return. I blindly crawled for what felt like hours, only stopping a few times when the discomfort reared its ugly head or until I bumped into something hard.

When I bumped into something for the umpteenth time, I stretched my hands to see what exactly was in front of me. The cold surface and ragged edges told me I had bumped into a rock wall, a noticeably big one, it seemed. I decided to keep one hand on the rock and push myself into a standing position. I strained, trying hard to balance all of the weight on my legs. It seemed I had become fragile while in my coma-like state. After a few minutes, I gradually walked with ease; still using the cave wall as a guide, I found a tiny opening and decided to go through. The walls surrounding me increasingly became tighter until I grew concerned that I would get wedged and die stuck smashed between two walls. As I hesitated to keep going ahead, I noticed what sounded like trickling water a few feet in front of me, pushing myself through the last bit of the hallway.

The room opened up vastly as I decided to crawl again to feel the ground towards what I heard. I soon encountered a tiny pool of water; I opted to drink the water if it were the only source I would see while exploring; I needed to make sure I wouldn't die from lack of water. I drank until my belly felt it was ready to burst. I regretted the decision afterward. In all the survivor movies, they always boiled the bacteria away. But there was no wood or any way to boil the water. As I sat there nauseous from drinking so much water, I began to think. Why was I in this cave anyway? And why did it seem like I was deep inside said cave? I also noticed earlier how different I felt physically wise. It seemed like my height changed drastically, and shockingly my anatomy as well. My hair feels longer; just how long have I been asleep? If I were crazy, I would think I became a girl... I choose to ignore this thought. Maybe I am currently in a coma or having one of those weird dreams that feel real. These thoughts seem more rational than me being stuck in a colossal cave and changing into a girl. But then why did this dream feel so real?

The pain felt natural, as well as the water in front of him. The last thing he remembered before didn't even seem realistic; his best friend and crush of five years lured him into the woods to brutally stab him while his bullies from school stood watching and cheering her on. As he pondered this, his heart felt like it had been pierced again. I will get my revenge on them all! He thought. He became inspired by the idea of relishing in their pain and began a long trek to what seemed nowhere.