#F-Fellow... rot??????? C-Can it be true??

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

fellow + gidel ssr time fellas

(This bastard took an entire soft pity :(( but hey, I got a Dorm Uniform Jade dupe and finally FINALLY my first Dorm Uniform Floyd on the way, so I ain't too pressed about it.) RISE UP FELLOWIVES NOW’S YOUR TIME

***Character profile, voice lines, Groovy, and vignette spoilers below the cut!!***

First off! His official profile, coffin, and candy (Fox Candy):

(School) Grade/Class: None

Birthday: May 17 (Taurus)

Age: 26

Height: 181 cm

Dominant Hand: Right

Hometown: ???

Club: None

Best Subject: Mathematics (specifically Arithmetic)

Hobby: Watching theater

Dislikes: Saving money

Favorite Food: Apples

Least Favorite Food: Potatoes

Special Skill: Sewing

We finally get confirmation of Fellow’s age! (He had previously said in Playful Land that he was 20-something.)

I love that Fellow’s best subject is math Deuce is jealous/j; it makes so much sense given that his inspiration, Honest John (and Fellow himself) aren’t good at reading. It’s that whole “kids are either good at math or English��� stereotype. In Japanese, the phrase 算数 is used. 算数 refers to arithmetic, or very basic math taught in elementary school (adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing). That specific phrase explains Fellow’s elementary level of understanding. His dislike being saving money is also related to numbers; he spends the money he has right away to get by in the moment. Fellow doesn’t really have the skill or the luxury of financial planning, he has to focus on the here and now, looking out for both himself and Gidel.

OMG, his favorite and least favorite foods???? 😭 Playful Land has apple (core) flavored candies and popcorn… and again, this is a reference to Honest John and Pinocchio’s first encounter! He takes the kid’s apple and eats it, lol cnsvwiwguwkw Potatoes being his disliked food… Maybe it’s because it’s the “poor” man’s vegetable? Because potatoes are so versatile, keep for a long time, and are filling because of the starch content, Fellow might resort to eating them a lot, so perhaps as a result he got sick of the taste.

What I find most interesting about Fellow’s profile are his listed hobby and special skill. He largely comes off as despicable and a slimy scammer (which he is, don’t get me wrong), but we can see different sides to him in these details—both the inner child that had his dreams trampled but remains hopeful about the future and the big brother figure/guardian to a child. Gidel is actually formally referred to in Fellow’s profile as his (non-blood related) brother, which made my heart melt 🥺 TWST must know I have a thing for beastmen who act shitty but are actually excellent mentors to the children/j

Fellow enjoys watching theater. It’s a way of transporting you away temporarily to new worlds with crazy stories and emotional performances. When words aren’t enough, you sing. And when singing isn’t enough, you dance. It’s an area that’s so full of life and joy, at least from the audience’s perspective. I’m thinking that watching theater must have been a form of escapism for Fellow, especially with how accessible it is (think of like street performances). Watching theater might also serve a dual purpose of teaching Fellow how to come across as amicable and friendly, which says a LOT about his character. He’s resourceful and able to learn from unconventional sources, then is able to apply those skills to real world situations.

Fellow’s special skill being sewing is surprisingly very cute! If you’ve taken one look at his and Gidel’s designs, we may have already spotted some of his handiwork. There’s mismatched fabric patches on their clothes!! The stitches look so clean too. The patterns not matching is probably because Fellow just used whatever scraps he was able to get his hands on, but I also like to imagine that he tried to make the best of the situation by incorporating the mismatched fabrics in a fun way (like the diamonds in his pants).

Next, can we talk about the composition of that GROOVY????

It’s another reference to the same Pinocchio scene! Fellow’s holding his book like Honest John did and it looks like he’s trying to teach Gidel the alphabet from words scratched on the sidewalk. Notice how the C is written backwards too 😂 He even wears glasses like when Honest John was trying hard to act like an intellectual.

And Gidel!!! Pencil and pad of paper in hand, he looks so interested to learn (something which was hinted at in Playful Land). Gideon in the film is also shown with a pen and pad of paper, scribbling down nonsense as Fellow pretends to diagnose Pinocchio.

Gidel glances up at Fellow with an expression of admiration. I love how wholesome their relationship is depicted as, it leaves a warm feeling in the heart.

The framing of this Groovy is very interesting. We have Fellow to our left—a direction has historically been associated with evil (in Italian, the word for left is even sinistra, as if to imply something sinister) and in the darkness. Gidel is the one to our right and in the light. It presents Fellow to us as someone who has given up on his dreams—but not completely, since we see some light touching his hat, gloves, and highest features + he is currently teaching Gidel and still has dreams of opening his own school. Gidel is shown in the light because he’s still a naive child that doesn’t understand how the world works. His dreams haven’t been destroyed yet, and there’s hope for him to have a better life since Fellow is looking after him and instructing him.

CHECK THIS OUT, GIDEL FOLLOWS FELLOW TO CLASS LIKE MARY'S LAMB OR SOMETHING????? Gidel pops out from under the desk or out of/behind Fellow's cape! Gidel also joins Fellow on the homescreen.

Some of Fellow's expressions are so priceless... For example, look at him in Flight! There's an unsure face and a little bead of sweat. (He makes a lot of pathetic accompanying sounds too, lol) Flying takes magic, so he's probably not confident or powerful enough to maintain flight for long stretches of time--though when he does nail it, he looks ultra smug.

ADGKVAVFOOEFIEQOfsl HIS SHOCKED FACE

How uncool, Fellow-san...

His attack sprites are very similar/identical to what we saw in Playful Land--Fellow's just playing for the opposite team now.

Gidel hops into battle to assist, so I guess they count as the first two-character card. It's been a while since I've seen these animations, but I think I can appreciate them a lot more now. I'm noticing new little things like how Fellow adds a bunch of showmanship into his attack, little flashy flourishes and even presenting Gidel with his arms splayed, as if welcoming a star to the spotlight. The attention to detail really is crazy for these.

If you want to read his voice lines in full, you can find an excellent fan translation of them here! I'll just be remarking on things I noticed while combing through the voice lines myself:

First off: bro calls himself Fellow Hones-SAMA???????? OKAY, KING 😭 Love that confidence you got goin' on there...

bifabsiyofbefe Love how he just reads a textbook and then flat-out admits he has no clue what the heck it's saying. Hey, honesty is a virtue.

Ace 💀 He has the balls to play a prank on an adult... I kind of want to know what the prank was, but at the same time I feel like I should be shaking my head and telling him off for doing it in the first place. I do appreciate that Ace being shitty brought out Fellow's true personality there for a second though, I live for it when Fellow gets real steamed and starts shouting that the NRC students are brats or that they should drop out if they have no motivation in school.

The way Fellow automatically clocked that Kalim is way too trusting and would surely be in danger even if he wasn't the one to come for him... Fellow, watch your back. Jamill WILL come for your sketchy ass for what you did back then.

I didn't find anything super interesting in Fellow's comments about Ortho, but I do think it reveals that there is value in him coming to school. It's only at NRC where Fellow can see such a curious thing like Ortho, and that speaks to the value of really going out there and being exposed to different things. That's part of Lilia's own growth arc too, and a large part of why he now spreads that same rhetoric.

Fellow remarks that Ramshackle is "pretty sweet", which means one of two things: either this is the refurbished post-book 6 dorm OR it's still the shabby pre-book 6 dorm, but since Fellow and Gidel have never really had their own stable housing, even run-down old Ramshackle seems like a massive upgrade.

Fellow and Gidel must have been so happy to see that lunch at NRC is free and served buffet style (so there's no limits to how much you can take). On top of that, they got dead chefs from 5 star restaurants staffing the kitchen! Those two really hit the jackpot, I hope they eat well.

AVUSDGVUADOVIAISDBIDAS THE DIALOGUE IMPLYING FELLOW CASUALLY BYPASSED THE SCHOOL'S BARRIER AND OTHER SECURITY MEASURES... So Chenya-core of him, really. Fellow may not have magical might, but he's seriously street smart to have found a way in like he has.

Small detail but I appreciate how Fellow has lines which call attention to Gidel. It doesn't just remind us that Gidel is there too, but it also demonstrates to us that Fellow actively tries to include him in the conversation despite Gidel's muteness (a condition which may lead others to outright ignoring him or talking down to him).

LAST THING (though it's not in MysteryShopTL's linked post): in his birthday greeting to the player, Fellow says that both you and him don't have talent for magic, so you should get along. I didn't think the game would acknowledge the player and Fellow's similarity in that sense, so it was very nice to be proven wrong.

And to finish off this post (which ended up being way more massive than I thought it would be), a quick summary of the vignettes!! If you want to read them in full, please check out MysteryShopTLs’ post!

In vignette 1, Fellow and Gidel are putting on a street performance in Silk City. Fellow collects fees from the onlookers and then tries to milk more out of them by spinning a story about how Gidel is a puppet that can walk without strings. Buuut Gidel moves like a normal living being and sneezes, which ruins the ruse and leads to the crowd getting mad at them. The duo run off, but Fellow reveals that while the locals were looking at Gidel, he used magic to steal some of their precious metals and jewelry. In the next vignette, Fellow and Gidel have moved on to Fairest City. It's said that they live a nomadic lifestyle and hop from place to place, never staying for too long in any one location because word of their scams may spread and cause a situation where they cannot reasonably make money through their lies. (Cute detail: Fellow listens to Gidel's suggestions on where they should go next and even praises Gidel's smarts.) This time Fellow's trying to auction off a magestone that he claims will allow anyone who holds it to use magic. The people of Fairest City don't believe him and give him the cold shoulder, which upsets Fellow (since he really hates it when others look down on him). He ends up using his UM to get his audience to be more pliant and manages to sell the magestone for a pretty penny. At the end of this vignette, Fellow drops a line about how he and Gidel are so free, how they can do whatever they want since they have nothing holding them back. I really love that thought~

AND IF YOU THOUGHT VIGNETTES 1 AND 2 WERE FUNNY HAHA TEEHEE CUTE, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE VIGNETTE 3 💀 VIGNETTE 3 FELT LIKE IT WAS A TARGETTED SNIPE ON MY HEART

The setting is Sunrise City! Fellow and Gidel are being chased off by an angry person they tried to rob. It looks like they're unsuccessful today and will be going hungry. Gidel tries opening a random can of OIL in search of food, so Fellow scolds him and tells him to leave it be. Apparently Gidel does this a lot when he's hungry (just grabbing random shit and trying to eat it), even though Fellow has tried teaching him how to read. THIS IS WHAT THE CONTEXT OF THE GROOVY IS, FELLOW SQUATS DOWN (like we literally see his 2D model lowering) AND DRAWS IT ON THE GROUND FOR GIDEL TO SEE. O is for orange, I is for ice-cream, and L is for laugh. Fellow realizes that L is the only non-food word, but he couldn't come up with anything else. I wonder if like... this is some common game they do to distract from hunger. They have to imagine the food they could have but can't. And L being "laugh"? That can't be a coincidence. Fellow could have used any other L word as an example, even if he couldn't come up with a food that starts with L. It makes me think he picked "laugh" on purpose in an effort to lift Gidel's spirits and to try and distract from their circumstances.

Aaaah, as I was saying! Fellow gets upset that he doesn't know as much as your average 26-year old would since he never went to school. Gidel seems to sense his frustrations and reassures him with a pat, which reenergizes Fellow. He says he'll try to find some food, so Gidel should focus on making a fire. While gathering wood to burn, they come across a job posting by a shady rich man that Fellow and Gidel supposedly did another job for in the past. Fellow suggests that they check out the job and if they don't like it then they can leave. ADSKJBBSLDIADBLUBAB These are the events leading up to Playful Land... meaning that Fellow’s showmanship is wasn’t something he developed at the amusement park, but as a general coping and survival mechanism to get by day-to-day.

I uh. May or may not have cried a little at Fellow and Gidel's really wholesome interaction 😭 I MEAN YEAH OF COURSE I'M A SUCKER FOR BIG BROTHER CHARACTERS (and we certainly see that in how Fellow scolds Gidel and looks out for his wellbeing, both in the vignettes and in Playful Land) but also???????? ? ? ? ? ?? ?????? ? ? ? ?? I love Love LOVE how Gidel is shown to be supportive of Fellow as well. Fellow as the older person, the adult, and the able-bodied one of the duo is pulling most of the weight when it comes to getting resources and handling communication. However, Gidel plays an important role in their dynamic as well. He's the heart and the emotional support that Fellow needs when he's down in the dumps and being hard on himself. Gidel not only serves as a "reason" for Fellow to work hard (to support a child), but he also gives Fellow motivation and hope that tomorrow can be another day. YOU CAN REALLY TELL HOW MUCH THESE TWO CARE AND LOOK OUT FOR ONE ANOTHER OTL

OOOOOOOoooOOooOOGGHHHH MY HEART *clutches it* I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, I CAN'T HANDLE THE ONII-SAMA OF IT ALL

[crystalwillow]

Hesitant

Pairing: Elijah Greene x Casey Valentine (F!MC)

A/N: Like myself, have you ever wondered what a blossoming romantic relationship with Elijah and Casey would be like? After talking it over in a group chat recently, I was inspired to take the leap and write a fiction about just that. I feel like there is going to be a lot of fluff and sweet love ahead. Enough to maybe rot your teeth and make you shed a few tears. So grab a snack, drink and a tissue or two. Maybe three. And settle down to take a sweet journey with two of our favourite residents as they realize they’re falling in love.

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It was another busy afternoon at Edenbrook, and a lot of the staffs pagers had just gone off, calling them to the ER for triage. Casey rushed towards the stairs seeing that the elevators were crowded. At the back of a long queue she saw one of her fellow residents, Elijah at the back, trying to wheel his way through the chaos. She stopped and her legs automatically turned round and carried her over.

“Okay people! Y’all who have legs and can use stairs shift it in that direction. We have doctors here that actually need to use the elevators!” she commanded loudly. Others looking at her in shock as she stopped beside Dr. Greene.

The other doctors knew she had a point and realized it would be quicker for them to take the stairs, so they hurried in that direction. Elijah smiled up at her as he wheeled himself forwards and pressed the button to call the elevator.

“Thanks Casey.”

“It was nothing. I didn’t just become a doctor to help out the people in the rooms who need our care.”

“Join me?” he asked as the elevator pinged and the doors opened. Smiling she stepped inside with him and hit the button for the ground floor.

“You know what sucks?” he asked.

“What?”

“We’re on dinner duty tonight.”

“Awesome. I’ve been wanting to cook this new pasta dish.”

Elijah smiled as he laughed, shaking his head lightly. “You can be real shameless.”

“And? So can you. When you want to be.” She replied as they headed towards the doors of the ER.

“Alright. Professional faces back on.”

“I shall see you after this Dr. Greene.”

“Copy that, Dr. Valentine.”

Casey giggled and then got straight to work at getting people’s symptoms and tagging them correctly. Though when she reached one patient, her heart dropped as she heard his voice.

“Not to sound rude, it’s extremely busy here. Please, talk.”

“I have a slight headache and a bunch of cuts and scrapes. My leg is also in extreme pain.”

Casey knew she had a job to do but she was frozen, scared to look up. It was just a coincidence, some dude had a vocal tone that was similar to her friend Bryce, she just hadn’t detected it yet.

“Casey?” Bryce said gently, wincing as he reached out to place his hand on her shoulder.

No. No. No. Damn it. It is her friend. Taking a brief moment to breathe, she turned her gaze up to him, only to gasp at the cuts and scrapes he had all over him. He smiled softly with an encouraging nod which seemed to give her enough strength to tag him correctly and move on. Once triage was complete, she waited for the other doctors to clear out before trying to leave herself. She looked at Bryce who was being seen to as she waited. As if he sensed her, he looked over and gave a smile as if to tell her he was going to be fine. She looked back at him, a sad frown etched on her face.

“I’m going to be fine Case. It’s looking like all I have is a broken leg.” He called out and smiled as he watched some happiness comeback into her being. As if some life had been put back in her with those few words. She waved and then filed out of the ER behind the last few doctors and headed back to her work.

--- That Evening ---

Casey and Elijah were at home, chilling on the couches with their gaming controllers in hand as they played Mario Kart. They were trash talking and nudging each other as they both had their competitive side starting to show.

“Haha! Eat my banana skin you stupid mushroom man! I’m going to win!” Casey exclaimed as she raced towards the finish line

“Oh yeah? Well why don’t you, eat my dust!” Elijah shouted as he used a mushroom to speed past her and cross the finish line in first place. “Hahaha! Yes! That’s what I’m talking about baby. First place! Out of nowhere.”

“Very slick Elijah. Very slick. Well done.” Casey congratulated with a smile as she placed her controller on the coffee table.

“Aw. Are we not going to do another race?” Elijah pouted

“I’d love to. But, we have dinner to cook.”

“You’re right... We should do that before the zombies return and have nothing. They’d eat us.”

“Exactly. After you.”

Elijah put his controller next to Casey’s and wheeled himself to the kitchen.

“So. Casey. You said something about a pasta dish?”

“Yeah. It’s a basic tomato and basil pasta but I want to try and put a twist to it. My own unique taste. Maybe then it could be referred to as the Casey Special.”

“Not fair! I’d know the secret too. It should be called the C&E!”

“Nope. E is what I call Ethan. During work hours it’s Dr. Ramsey, so when we hang out as friends if I say Ethan, he knows he’s in trouble.”

“Okay. Then how about... The Elijsey Special?”

“The Elijsey Special...” she pondered, looking at the sink before turning back to Elijah with a smile. “I like it.”

“Awesome! So what can I do to help?”

“How’s your experience in making a tomato and basil sauce?”

“I’m pretty good at that, believe it or not.”

“I wouldn’t doubt you for a second. Well, not when it comes to things like this. If you were to do something incredibly stupid on the other hand...”

“What? Like, I don’t know, run down the street screaming “I’m practically Taylor Swift. Watch!” then drop into a puddle, shouting the lyrics to Enchanted. Very passionately may I add.”

“That was one time Eli. And plus. Taylor Swift is one of the most powerful female figures in the entertainment industry. I was doing some promotion for her.”

“At 2am. Walking home from the bar?”

“I’ll have you know, Dr. Greene, All the best things happen with a bar, and 2am involved somehow.”

They shared a look and laugh as they continued cooking dinner. They were just plating up when the door opened and closed, a tired yet frustrated sigh following it.

“Worst. Day. EVER!”

Casey and Elijah shared a look of concern before heading out into the main area of the apartment, where they saw Sienna on the couch. Face buried in a cushion before she let out a frustrated scream. She didn’t seem to notice they were there as they shared a deeper concerned look. Things must be really bad for her to be screaming into cushions.

“Hey... Si?” Casey asked hesitantly.

“Is everything... okay?” Elijah added.

Sienna sat up and looked at them with a little bit of shock.

“Oh! Casey. Elijah. Hi.. I um, I forgot you were home first. I.. Sorry about... all that.”

“Don’t apologize for having feelings.” Casey said as she sat next to their friend

“Yeah. Everyone has them, and if you don’t let them out things get real ugly. Fast.”

“But you guys have never seen me like this before. It’s embarrassing.”

“That may be true. But Elijah and I just finished dinner. Why don’t we sit at the table. You can rant to us about everything that’s made today horrible and then afterwards we’ll watch some movies.”

“I’ll watch movies if we can finish with a Star Wars film.”

Sienna looked back and forth between her roommates, a small smile graced her delicate features.

“That... Sounds like exactly what I need actually. Do we have wine?”

“Only the best red money can buy to accompany a pasta dish.”

“You guys made pasta?!”

“Yup. And the tomato sauce was made by yours truly. So if it tastes amazing... It was all me.”

Casey laughed and playfully shoved Elijah’s shoulder as she passed him to the kitchen and put 3 plates on a tray, carrying it to the table. Elijah followed behind with the wine and the glasses, setting them out and pouring them all a glass as they settled into enjoy the meal. Sienna ate a mouthful of pasta, groaning in bliss.

“You guys. This is amazing.”

Casey and Elijah smiled at each other before turning back to their friend and accepting the compliment with a thanks, and together they all tucked in as Sienna ranted about her day. It sounded rough. She talked about how she had 2 patients die, charts getting mixed up when she knew she put them in the right places. And so much more that made her mood extremely valid. After the meal, just as Casey said, they all sat around the TV and watched movies. Sienna had made herself comfortable in a chair with her blanket. Elijah and Casey sat on the couch, Casey resting her head on Elijah’s shoulder. His heart racing at the close proximity and one question in particular raced through his mind. Does she like me too?

Elijah had liked Casey for a while but didn’t want to accidently blur the lines and ruin the good friendship they’d built. She wrapped her arms around his waist to hug him as she looked up and smiled at him. God, there it was. That sweet smile that matched the scent of her perfume perfectly. After a moment he looked down and smiled back at her as his arm naturally went round her shoulder, hugging her closer. A couple of movies passed before Sienna started falling asleep, saying goodnight to her roommates, and going to her bedroom. Jackie had made it home by now and was at the table eating her dinner. Casey and Elijah finished the movie they were watching and in that time Jackie had finished her food, disappearing to her room for the night as well. Casey sat up, stretching as the movie finished.

“I’m going to the toilet. Then I’ll grab us some more drinks and snacks so we can watch that Star Wars movie yeah?”

“Sounds great!”

Casey left to sort herself and everything out before coming back, cuddling on the couch with Elijah again. They were quite a way through the movie when Casey turned to look at Elijah after feeling his breathing change. She smiled softly and paused the movie, moving carefully to pick him up, turning round carrying him to his room to put him to bed. She then went back and cleared everything away, washed the dishes and was about to wheel Elijah’s chair to his room and leave it by his bed, when the door opened, and an extremely tired Aurora walked in.

“Hey.” Casey greeted softly.

“Hey.” Aurora smiled tiredly.

“Your dinner’s in the kitchen. Me and Elijah made tomato and basil pasta”

“Thanks. I’ll try to keep my eyes open long enough to eat it.”

The two chuckled, then Casey headed off with Elijah’s chair before going to bed herself. She had just closed her eyes when her phone rang. Groaning she answered it.

“This better be important because I just got into bed.”

“Casey... It’s Bryce. You need to come to the hospital. Now.”

Hearing the urgency in Bryce’s tone, she hung up and put her phone down. Grabbing the closest pair of sneakers, she slid her feet into them, tying the laces. Having only enough time to grab her phone and keys, before rushing out of the door. When she arrived at Edenbrook, she quickly found Bryce sitting in the main atrium with his leg in a cast and crutches beside him.

“What’s up?”

“It’s Dr. Ramsey.”

“What about him?”

“He’s in the ER going nuts!”

“Over what?”

“Nobody knows! He just stormed in and...” at a loss for words Bryce just gestured his hands.

“So why call me?”

“Dr. Banerji requested it. Not even he can calm Ethan down, and well he knows you and Ethan sort of.. just get each other.”

Sighing and pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes and rubbing, Casey sighed as she shook her head.

“I’ll see if I can help. But I’m not making any promises.”

Casey turned and headed to the ER walking through the door and was met with a wall of chaos and shouting. Looking around she found Ethan at the foot of a bed, yelling at a nurse to work faster. The nurse looked terrified as her hands trembled trying to get the IV line steady and positioned properly. Sighing she walked over and placed a gentle hand on his arm.

“Ethan.” She sighed sadly.

He turned and looked beside him but just shrugged Casey’s arm off. Too enraged over whatever it was to even speak back, he moved on. Casey sighed deeper knowing she’d have to bring out the theatrics.

“Ethan please.” She pleaded following him, sadness and desperation in her voice.

Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose he turned around. “What is it, Rookie?”

“Not here please. Somewhere... private.”

He looked down into her eyes that she had molded into perfect pools of sadness and confusion. He closed his own eyes for a brief moment, biting his lip before telling her to follow him. Together they walked towards the exit, nurses and doctors alike silently thanking her with subtle nods of their heads. They reached Ethan’s personal office and he shut the door behind them.

“What is it? What’s happened?” “That’s what I should be asking you Dr. Ramsey.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes you do. Why did you go into the ER and just start shouting. That isn’t you Ethan. Not even when your super stressed about a case do you do that.”

“Yeah, well. Maybe I’m not the amazing person you draw me up to be Casey.”

“What? Of course you are. Okay... so you have a prickly side. But so does everyone.”

“No they don’t Casey. Not like I do.”

“Ethan please. Sto-”

“NO CASEY. YOU STOP! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME HAPPY. STOP TRYING TO SEE THE GOOD IN ME. JUST STOP TRYING WITH ME. WHILST YOU STILL HAVE THE FUCKING CHANCE!”

She was taken aback for a moment at his harsh tone towards her but as he continued shouting, her resolve hardened, and she punched him full force in both arms. He glared at her then continued shouting. She hated resorting to it, but she pulled her hand back and with a little jump to help boost her higher, she slapped him round the face. Leaving a handprint behind. Shocked, Ethan stopped talking almost immediately and stared at her.

“Fucking finally.” She retorts annoyed, rolling her eyes.

“Did you... Did you just JUMP to slap me?”

“So what if I did. You needed to shut the fuck up so you can listen.”

For about another hour, they sat and hashed out what was making Ethan so angry in that moment. At the end of it he was exhausted and yawning like a baby.

“You should get home Ethan. Get some sleep before tomorrow.”

“I guess so.” He said as he let out another yawn. “Let me drop you home though. You shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of night.

“Thanks.” Casey smiled sweetly and headed to the atrium to wait for him to change and come down.

“Ah! Dr. Valentine.”

Casey turned at the mention of her name and saw a brightly smiling but very tired eyed Dr. Banerji walking towards her.

“Dr. Valentine. Thank you for coming here so late. I know it’s a terrible inconvenience.”

“No. It’s no trouble at all. Anything for my friends.” she replied, stifling a yawn behind her hand.

“As a thank you, don’t worry about starting your next shift at 7am. Come in for 1pm. You need the rest you deserve, and it is late.”

“Oh, Dr. Banerji... I- I don’t know if I can...”

“Nonsense. I’ve already watched Ethan do this. I’m not letting you do it too. You’re going home and you’re going to rest. And by rest I mean sleep.”

Casey opened her mouth to protest but stopped when she saw Ethan coming over and just gave a smile and curt nod to Naveen. After saying goodbye’s and Naveen turning down a lift home from Ethan about 6 times, Casey left with her mentor and they headed to her apartment. Ethan parked on the curb and said one more thank you to Casey before they shared a hug, Casey heading inside. When she got to her room, she fell into her bed and went to sleep instantly.  

The next day it was close to 10:25am when Casey stumbled tiredly from her room, heading to the kitchen to get coffee before getting ready for work. She knew Naveen had said 1pm, but she was up earlier than that so she may as well head in as soon as she can.

“Casey?” Elijah questioned as he came out the kitchen with a drink of his own.

“Oh. Hey Eli” she smiled with a yawn.

“I thought you started at 7 today? You’re late.”

“No.” Casey shook her head. “I got called to the hospital last night after you fell asleep. Dr. Banerji all but ordered I go in for 1pm.”

Elijah chuckled. That sounded exactly like Naveen.

“In that case. Could we talk about something before you leave?”

“Could I get my coffee first?”

“Obviously. I’m not a monster”

Casey grinned and went into the kitchen, brewing herself a cup of coffee before joining Elijah on the couch they shared the previous night.

“So. What’s going on Dr. Greene?” she smiled, sipping her coffee

“Well... Are you good with feelings talk?”

“I talk with patients about them all the time. I’m all ears. Whatever it’s about.”

Elijah hesitated before sighing deeply, trouble clouding his eyes.

“The thing here is. It’s about you. And my feelings regarding you.”

“Oh. Have I done something to upset you? Was I supposed to remove your jeans before tucking you in?”

“So that’s how I got to my room. I thought I’d fell asleep elsewhere.” Elijah chuckled. “But no. it’s nothing bad.”

Casey sighed a breath of relief but then confusion crossed her face. “Then what is it?”

“I.... I think I should just come out and say it. I like you Casey. And not just as a friend. I like like you.”

Casey sat in stunned silence as she reveled in his admission. She too had felt something between them. She just wasn’t sure what it was, so never acted upon it beyond a friendship. Though she had no idea he felt the same way. If she even felt what he was feeling that is.

“Casey...”

“Hm? Oh yeah. I’m still here.”

“Are you... okay?”

“I’m fine.” She reassured and drank more of her coffee, watching as Elijah’s face fell.

“You don’t feel the same do you?”

“Elijah-”

“And I’ve just ruined our friendship by admitting my feelings.”

“No Elijah you ha-”

“This was stupid of me. Why would you want to date the guy in the wheelchair? When you can have any number of fully able bodied men at the hospital who could ta-”

“Elijah. Will you stop?!” Casey placed her mug back on the table and grabbed his hands, pulling herself closer to him. He stopped rambling and looked up into her eyes before grinning sheepishly.

“Sorry.” He apologized

“I... I feel something for you.”

“Y-you do?!”

“Yeah. I... just don’t know what it is.”

Elijah looked at their hands briefly before looking back up.

“Would you want to... go on a date?”

“I.... Yeah. I’d like that.” She smiled. Elijah smiled back at her, squeezing her hand lightly and she squeezed back.

“After my shift? I finish at 9:30, maybe we could make a last minute plan to do something?”

“How about I cook for us.”

“Elijah you cooked last night.”

“Not for the whole apartment. Just for us, silly.”

Casey smiled, blushing lightly at her early morning dumbness.

“Oh right. ... Of course.”

“Anything in particular?”

“Nope. You make the choices. I’ll just enjoy the meal, and the company.”

Elijah smiled at her one last time before they hugged and Casey got ready for work, heading out to catch the train across town. She arrived at Edenbrook and strolled up to the diagnostics office, she entered the room as the team was in the middle of a differential.

“Nice for you to finally join us, Dr. Valentine.” Ethan commented with a soft smile

“Sorry, Dr. Ramsey. I was on a train when you paged.”

The team gave her a baffled look before shrugging and getting back to work, filling Casey in. Nothing was going to bring her down. Well... unless something really tragic happened of course. But for now she was going to focus on work and her date with Elijah later that evening.

Later that night she was about to clock out when a nurse came running up to her.

“Dr. Valentine!”

She turned to them, fully alert.

“Sarah? What is it?”

“It’s Dr. Varma. Quick.”

Eyes widening she followed Sarah to where Jackie was leaning against the wall, hyperventilating and sweating profusely.

“Jackie?”

Casey looked on worriedly as Jackie could only spare a quick 1 second glance before looking at the floor again and passing out as she breathlessly said 2 words. “I’m..... fine....” then her world went black, Casey rushing to close the short distance between them before she hit the floor.

“Sarah I need you to find a spare bed asap. I’ll page for help.”

Nodding, Sarah rushed off in search of a free bed, whilst Casey paged Baz and Zaid for help. Within minutes the twin doctors were there as Sarah came back with a bed, stopping it beside Jackie and applying the breaks. Together Baz and Zaid lifted her onto the bed, making sure she was comfortable and covered with a blanket.

“Casey. What happened?” Baz asked

“I don’t know. I was about to clock out, then head off home to get ready for my date tonight. That’s when Sarah ran up to me, informing me something was wrong with Dr. Varma. I arrived on scene seconds later, she seemed to be having a panic attack. All I got from her were the words “I’m fine.” before she passed out.”

“Well clearly, she wasn’t fine!” Zaid snapped.

“Alright bro, calm down please. She isn’t a doctor right now. She’s a patient. We need to treat her as such.”

Zaid wiped his hands over his face with a sigh, knowing his brother was right. He turned to Casey and gave her a tight nod.

“We’ll take it from here. Don’t keep your date waiting. Go.”

Shocked, Casey left the room and the hospital before Zaid could change his mind. She got outside and quickly caught up with Bryce.

“Don’t tell me you actually went to work today.” She chuckled

He turned his head to her and gave a smile. “Of course I did! Not even a broken leg will stop these magic hands from saving lives. Give me a chair and I’m fine.”

Casey laughed brightly beside him as they stopped before parting ways.

“Never change Bryce Lahela. Never change.”

“I don’t plan on it.” He grinned.

Casey grinned back and then they said goodbye to each other and headed home. When she walked inside, Casey smelt something delicious but didn’t dare go to the kitchen and peak, so instead she headed straight to her room grabbing a towel, and getting in the shower instead to wash off the sweat and grime from the days work. After that she felt refreshed, and ready for her date night with Elijah. She opened her closet looking for something to wear, when that feeling settled in. She clutched her stomach and closed her eyes tightly trying to will the butterflies away, but she couldn’t. She was nervous and turning into a sweaty mess. She didn’t want to mess this up. She looked through her dresses, but they all seemed too professional for a date. So she turned to another section, skimming through when she gasped. She smiled at the navy blue jumpsuit with a gold waistbelt. “I forgot I had this.” she muttered to herself as she took it out and off the hanger. This is what she would wear. She put it on, done her hair and makeup then picked out a cute pair of sneakers to pair with the outfit. There was no way her feet would fit back into another pair of heels now. She sat on her bed picking up her phone as it dinged. She smiled when she saw a message from Jackie. Thank goodness she was going to be okay. She typed out a quick reply as a knock sounded on her door. Placing her phone on the bedside table, she opened the door to Elijah who was dressed in a dress shirt and tie, his regular jeans dressing the look down a little but still ensuring he looked somewhat formal. His jaw dropped as he drank in Casey’s appearance. She giggled a little as his eyes roamed her body in a show of adoration.

“Hi.” She smiled

“You’re absolutely gorgeous...”

In the moment of silence that followed, Casey blushed as Elijah continued to stare at her in awe. She cleared her throat briefly then resumed her smile.

“You look very handsome tonight.”

“Yeah... But compared to you... Ahem. Excuse me... Um, dinner’s ready.” He smiled shyly

“After you.” She smiled and followed him to their dining table where he had set up the cutest romantic scene she’d seen in a while.

“Oh! Elijah.. this is...”

“Is it too much?”

“No.” she said shaking her head. “It’s beautiful.”

Elijah grinned and helped Casey into her seat, plates of steaming hot food already at the table. It looked delicious. Chicken fillets, potatoes, vegetable, gravy. It was then Casey realized how hungry she was as her stomach growled loudly, causing a furious blush to spread up her neck and onto her cheeks.

“Uh.. sorry about that. I haven’t really stopped today..” she said shyly, and Elijah chuckled.

“It’s okay.” He reassured and they dug into the meal. After a few bites, Elijah spoke up again. “Is it okay?”

Casey nodded as she swallowed the bite she just took. “I’m not just saying this because we’re on a date. It’s delicious! The flavors are amazing!”

He grinned brightly at her comment and they finished the main dish.

“Dessert?” he asked, taking a sip of wine.

“Did you make some?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’d love some!” Casey smiled and Elijah took their plates to the kitchen and came back with two bowls of dessert, placing Casey’s in front of her first. She gasped when she saw what it was.

“Eli?!”

“Yeah?” he asked with a smile as he put his own bowl on the table.

“You... You remembered?” She said, choking on her emotion. Elijah just smiled with a nod in response, Casey leaning over the table and kissing his cheek making him freeze momentarily before smiling shyly and blushing as they dug into their chocolate cake and cream. The rest of the night went smoothly, conversation flowing freely. They quizzed each other on their medical knowledge during dessert, then moved to the couch where they told each other more about their home lives, and growing up. As the night drew to a close Elijah smiled at Casey.

“I guess I should walk you home.”

“How gentlemanly of you.” Casey grinned as she rose to her feet. Together they made their way to Casey’s room.

“Well...” She smiled, pointing to her bedroom door. “This is me.”

They came to a stop and smiled at each other.

“I had a wonderful time tonight Casey.”

“Me too. You’re a great guy Eli. Would you... want to do this again sometime?”

“Yes! ... I mean, yes. I’d love to do this again.”

Casey smiled brightly, bending down and giving him a kiss on the lips good night.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” She said softly opening her door.

“Y-yeah. See you tomorrow Case.”

He watched as Casey went into her room and shut the door. He stared at the closed door for a while as he touched his lips, still feeling hers present before smiling to himself.

“Goodnight Casey!” he called through the door, it opened again, and Casey poked her head out.

“Goodnight Elijah.” She replied with a smile then shut her door.

That night Elijah went to bed with a smile on his face, knowing he’d hit the jackpot and was now dating the most beautiful doctor at Edenbrook.

[junker-town]

Seven Worlds, One Planet: Episode 2, reviewed by how sports it is

Including a walrus massacre, volcano bears and snakes pretending that they’re spiders.

We continue our extremely important mission to conduct a scene-by-scene review of the BBC’s new nature documentary, Seven Worlds, One Planet, in order to see how sports it is. We determined that Episode 1, which focused on Antarctica, was reasonably sports. How fares Asia?

Episode 2 Asia

Scene 1: Walrus Massacre

Me on my work commute. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/tZPZFsZTjl

— BBC One (@BBCOne) November 3, 2019

The Pacific walrus is not one of nature’s most appealing creations. They resemble nothing so much as socks left to rot in a garden and then stuffed full of blubber a few years later. And while on land, tusked animals are majestic — the eyes of an elephant convey a deep, thoughtful, almost platonic serenity — the walrus betrays its toothy compatriots, lurching about horribly on land and bringing to bear what is perhaps the animal kingdom’s beadiest stare. The sabre-tusks themselves (I seem to remember being taught that they are of use in rooting out clams, although exactly how was a mystery to me then and remains one now) are a perverse addition to the ensemble. “Well-armed” is hardly a sensible adjective for evolution to bestow upon what is essentially an enormous sausage.

The sausage-ness attracts exactly what you’d expect in the Arctic: polar bears. Both walrus and polar bear are creatures of the ice, and, as I expect you’ve seen from increasingly breathless news reports, there’s less of that around these days. Walruses need a flat surface upon which to rest, while polar bears need it as a platform from which to hunt. With no ice, walruses have to congregate on a few thin, rocky beaches, and that sort of gathering attracts hungry polar bears.

Packing maybe 100,000 tonnes of walrus on one beach sounds like a recipe for severe puncture wounds and indeed several dozen walruses attempt to escape the packed crowds by scaling the cliffs behind the beach. And here is where this scene turns from ominous to outright macabre.

Are walruses good at climbing? No, but they’re persistent enough to scale the cliffs, given enough time. If you’ve ever gone on a serious hike, however, you might have noticed that the descent is just as grueling as the ascent. Now imagine if you weighed as much as a small car, had flippers for limb and were trying to get down a large cliff in a hurry.

The ‘hurry’ is where the polar bears come in. Where a walrus can climb, so too can a bear, and when they reach the top of the cliffs, the walruses instinctively try to escape towards the sea, where they’re more mobile and thus better equipped to fend off attacks. So they race towards the sea, the fastest way possible: by hurling themselves off the cliff. A walrus might be ill-equipped to climb, but it’s even less capable of handling a 100-yard drop.

This rain of soon-to-be-former-walruses rather naturally spooks their fellows, creating a stampede in which many other walruses are crushed or slashed to death by flailing tusks. The Odobenid Vespers — more than 200 walruses die — conclude with a delighted polar bear surveying a pile of corpses, clearly stunned by its good fortune.

NB: This scene is shocking. I’m not trying to celebrate it by writing so much about; it’s just been weighing on my mind since I saw it. The knowledge that anthropogenic climate change is at least partially responsible for these events (Attenborough assures us that they’re still relatively rare) brings the horror home even further.

Aesthetics 9/10

As I’ve mentioned, walruses are hideous animals. But this category necessarily includes atmosphere, and the oppressive grimness of this awful scene carries too much weight to ignore. A bouncing walrus might not have any conventional aesthetic value, but there’s no way we can give this tragic, moving scene any less than high marks here.

Difficulty 10/10

I think that the difficulty of this one is adequately illustrated by the body count.

Competitiveness 3/10

Apart from the early scuffle between a walrus and a bear (in the water, the walrus has the advantage), this is all about walrus versus ground, at speed, and is therefore not competitive.

Overall 22/30

Walrus-diving is sports. Not the sort of sports I want to actually watch, but definitely sports.

Scene 2: Volcano Bears

When you’re desperate to get greens into your diet at any cost. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet #saladwoe pic.twitter.com/mignAvLIbv

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

Bears are incredible animals. Sometimes they’re ferocious, brutal predators, able to rip you basically in half with a swipe of the paw. Sometimes they’re fisherbears. Sometimes they’re honey thieves. And sometimes they perch daintily on top of a volcano, eating grass.

Go find the Kamchatka Peninsula on Google Maps. It’s the thing attached like a stubby tail to the east coast of Siberia. A winter there, you might imagine, is a cold, unpleasant thing. However, Kamchatka is also blessed by a surprising abundance of volcanos, which create unusually dangerous oases in the barren desert of snow.

And so we meet our volcano bears. These bears, who emerge from hibernation hungry, converge on the only snow-free spots around. To find greenery, they must conduct some precarious scrambles above volcanic vents, and some bears have been known to get too close or to slip and fall. Those bears do not have a good lunch.

Aesthetics 7/10

The true beauty of a bear comes mostly in comparison to other animals, and unfortunately we don’t get that here. Instead we have some scruffy-looking critters doing an ungainly shuffling to eat some grass. But ...

Difficulty 10/10

... it’s metal as fuck because they’re shuffling around eating grass that’s growing over volcanic springs which would kill them if they fell in. It’s so metal, in fact, that I’m giving some bonus points in aesthetics.

Competitiveness 2/10

Bear vs. grass? Enh. Bear vs. volcano? Also one sided (and, fortunately, we don’t see that).

Overall 19/30

All sports would be improved, at least hypothetically, if conducted over a volcano. In this case, the aggressive geology upgrades ‘skinny bears eat some grass’ from ‘definitely not a sport’ to ‘possibly sports’.

Scene 3: The Battle of Little Bigfoot

Hearing your parents car in the driveway but you’ve done zero chores.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet #runningforcover pic.twitter.com/Hghyh23hIo

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

The forest of Shennongjia, in Hubei Province, China, is home to some very strange creatures. Himalayan lore is rife with rumours of man-sized, furry apes, averse to human contact. And, well, here they are. Maybe. These are blue-faced, golden-coated, snub-nosed snow monkeys. They’re rare, mountain-dwelling, mostly-bipedal and overly-hyphenated primates whom you could quite happily build that sort of myth off if you were snowblind and suffering from the altitude. Granted, they’re not that much over 2’ tall, but let’s have some artistic license here. Where’s your sense of mystery?

Monkeys are not usually associated with snowy conditions. These ones have a hard time of it in the winter, surviving by huddling together for warmth (given their beautiful, plush coats, this doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world) and feeding on what looks like a miserable diet of bark, moss and associated grime.

So desperate are they for food that when families collide at the edge of their territories we get what this hitherto serene scene desperately needed: a huge monkey fight. We begin with the dominant males baring their teeth and punching the shit out of each other and then descend into a general melee of kicking, scratching and biting.

Fight over, the scattered band must regroup for warmth, so we get another heart-rending monkey hug. Awwww.

Aesthetics 9/10

The snub nose is ugly and the blue skin is very Game of Thrones, but fortunately those considerations are overwhelmed by a) the really lovely golden fur and b) the flying hugs and c) MONKEY BABIES. These snowmen are extremely bominable.

Difficulty 9/10

I assume nobody reading this has ever tried to punch a monkey in the face. Readers, please do not try punching a monkey in the face, even if you have a monkey to hand. It would be cruel, for one, but also I imagine it would be extremely bad news for you, because monkeys are agile, strong, and mean, and seem more than capable of biting off that hand.

Now make this a small army of very hungry, oversized monkeys punching each other in the face. And it’s also freezing. They would kick your ass.

Competitiveness 9/10

The male monkeys looked well matched, and when you add the general chaos of the melee to that you get an intense, hard-fought battle.

Overall 27/30

MMMA is 100 percent sports and I will have these monkeys fight you if you don’t agree.

Scene 4: Spider-Snake

Everyone: Snakes and spiders are scary, but at least they’re mutually exclusive. Nature: Hold my beer…#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/gXpJFQ74yM

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

Many people are terrified of spiders. Many people are terrified of snakes. What this scene asks is: what if we COMBINED THE TWO? Here is a special guest review of the above GIF, by my good friend Harry Lyles:

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But let’s back up.

The Dasht-e Lut, in Iran, is not a fun place to hang out. It’s one of the driest places in the world. It’s also one of the hottest. There is no earthly reason to live here, except by accident.

When mishap or sheer bloody-mindedness places critters in these sorts of environments, evolution gets to work. And given long enough, evolution can come up with some absolutely wild shit. The Dasht-e Lut is on the flight path of migratory birds, which provide a rare food source — if they can be got.

Perhaps the best way of catching birds is to get them to come to you, which is the trick used by the spider-tailed horned viper. The scales on the tip of its tail have been formed perfectly to look like a plump, juicy spider with wriggling legs, and when the viper flicks back and forth it really does look like a tasty morsel (if you’re a bird) is sitting there just waiting to be plucked.

But no! It’s a snake, and now it’s going to try to bite you in the head. Have fun!

Aesthetics 8/10

Another relatively ugly scene — the shot of the shrike hovering in astonishment is a particularly cool exception — redeemed by the sheer insanity of what we’re seeing. SPIDER-SNAKE!

Difficulty 9/10

You try catching a bird with your teeth. You can draw a spider on your hand (or hold a spider model, or a real spider). I don’t care. Not happening.

Competitiveness 7/10

Some birds get away, which suggests that this is not as one-sided a match as it might appear.

Overall 24/30

Imitating a spider so that you can catch birds with your face is sports.

Scene 5: Sure, Let’s Watch a Tiny Lizard Fight

Run Forrest, run! #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/DiFZXio2Qb

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

Lizards will go to great lengths for love. In the breeding season, male sarada lizards strut their stuff on the open plains of northern India. They’re brightly coloured and beautiful, and have a dazzling blue and red fan on their throat they unfurl to catch the attention of those lovely lizard ladies. But there’s a problem: saradas are not very big lizards.

Standing (and their gait is quite something when they do) at all of three inches tall, male saradas need some environmental help to be seen. And so battles commence over the small rocks which dot the landscape. Throat-fans are waved with menace, and then the fight begins. Jaws snap, legs flex, and these little lizards go flying through the air, a blaze of shrieking colour.

Aesthetics 9/10

They lose a point for their ridiculous waddle, but these lizards know how to put on a show. Beautiful colours and a surprisingly acrobatic fight scene.

Difficulty 4/10

You might get a nasty bite or two but I’m pretty confident anyone reading this would clean up against a three-inch lizard if they had to.

Competitiveness 10/10

A well-matched fight between two lizards at the top of their game. It’s a shame one had to lose: he left everything on the rock out there.

Overall 23/30

Miniature sports are still sports.

Scene 6: Orang-utans

You...are...the love of my life, and I’ve never felt this way before. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/RFaosm6JAa

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

Here we get to watch a baby orang-utan try to eat termites (not tasty!), struggle to climb a tree, give up after nearly getting all the way up to the top, and then take a nap on his mother. Then he eats some mangos.

Nothing else happens. It rules.

Aesthetics 10/10

Look at the little floof! I can’t stand how cute the little guy is. The nap absolutely kills me.

Difficulty 5/10

That tree looks like a very annoying but definitely possible climb.

Competitiveness 0/10

A) mother is always there to help out if he needs it and b) nothing actually happens, which is totally fine.

Overall 15/30

It’s adorable, but it’s not sports.

Scene 7: A Miniature Singing Rhino

I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t know these critters existed until I watched this episode. Sumatran rhinoceros are the smallest rhinos in the world, standing around 4’ tall and covered in red hair. They also sing little songs to one another. Or they would, if there was still a ‘one another’ to sing to: Sumatran rhinos are critically endangered, with less than 100 individuals left. So that’s depressing.

Attenborough uses the plight of the rhinos to segue into an illustration of the annihilation of the Southeast Asian rainforest. They contain valuable timber, and that land can also be used to grow oil palm plantations, which produce additives to be used in processed food and biofuels. That last note is particularly depressing: even supposedly eco-friendly technologies and techniques can lead to habitat destruction.

“Huge areas were initially stripped for timber and then a very different type of tree was planted. Oil Palm.” #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/reSWTBBfNW

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

Asian land is increasingly valuable as the population expands, but the growth of its cities, while substantial, cannot possibly account for the scale of habitat loss. In the battered forests of Indonesia and Malaysia, we have monuments to one of the oldest of human foibles: near-sighted greed.

Aesthetics 2/10

The rhino is ugly enough before we pivot into scenes of forests being bulldozed.

Difficulty 10/10

It’s easy to feel smug about one’s environmental footprint when the damage being done on your behalf is conducted out of sight. But we should never forget that while cheap goods come at a cost we might not feel now, the real price will be revealed soon enough.

I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone here: I live in England, and so simply by existing I am personally responsible for titanic levels of carbon generation and general destruction. But the first step in fixing the problem is recognising that there’s a problem.

Competitiveness 0/10

Pretty much beating a dead horse at this point.

Overall 12/30

Just because it’s depressing doesn’t mean it’s sports.

Scene 8: Whale sharks

Whale sharks are the largest fish in the sea. They are slow-moving, friendly filter feeders, and are absolutely enormous — the largest recorded are nearly 60-feet long. As one might imagine, they are easy to catch, and as they have so much meat that they’re extremely valuable. Unsurprisingly, there are not many whale sharks left. In this scene, a whale shark cruises near the surface, edging up to a waiting fishing boat ...

... but this scene is not so depressing as the last. Fishing for whale sharks has been banned in Indonesian waters, and instead of hunting the giants, they throw them their bycatch, causing the gentlest shark feeding frenzy ever captured on film.

Me: Oh no, I’m on a diet. Also me: ... #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/V3lB0GoTFP

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) November 3, 2019

Just slurping those little fish right in. Yum!

Aesthetics 6/10

Whale sharks are undeniably cool fish. But they are in fact so cool they barely do anything apart from sucking smaller fish into their hungry maws.

Difficulty 6/10

I appreciate the choice of the fishermen have made not to defy laws and go for the easy, hefty catch.

Competitiveness 0/10

Whale sharks against little fish isn’t even fair when the little fish are alive to begin with.

Overall 12/30

Not sports. Cool whale sharks, though.

Overall sports tally: Quite a lot of sports

Four definitely-sports, one probably-sports, and three nos. BBC did a nice job stepping up the sportsiness this episode.

[tessatechaitea]

Deathstork #9

If this were me, they'd have to stick my cock in one of those arm shackles too. Mostly because I'd have requested it.

I don't know how much longer I can be funny because I'm just getting angrier and angrier at what the Republicans are doing. They were anti-Trump when they feared he might bring some liberal ideas into the White House because he's one of those Hollywood types (plus he expressed quite a few liberal ideas previous to running as a Republican) but now that he's carrying out their hateful and selfish agenda, they're happier than pigs in shit. They are pigs in shit. Hell, they are shit. I don't want to demean pigs. Here's what I just posted as a Facebook status because I'm ready to burn down all of my relationships with people who think Mitch McConnell basically telling a peer who is a woman to shut up (and then not doing the same to my Senator from Oregon, Jeff Merkley, because why? Oh, wait. The why is the easy part, the fucking coward. I wonder how many times Little Mitch got his nose bloodied at school by another boy for being a dick to a girl? Too bad some girls didn't bloody it to (additional note: oh look. More white men were allowed to read the letter on the Senate floor. Go fucking figure):

If you agree with what Trump and the Republican toadies are doing, you are: A. Ignorant. B. Sexist. C. Racist. D. A Coward. E. All of the above. F. Fuck you.

All of Trump's cabinet picks could have had similar names and nobody would have batted an eye, apparently.

Dr. Villain is waiting to speak with Jericho for probably innocent reasons. But currently, Jericho is out sitting on a bench in his Ikon superhero outfit. At least his body is. His mind is inside of a nun. Doctor Super Villain tells Joseph that he's Slade's personal physician. I know when I was a doctor who totally wasn't a super villain at all, I used to hunt down my patients by bothering their family members when I thought my client needed to see me. I felt it was better than waiting for my patients to alert me to a problem. Dr. Villain can't track down Slade because he doesn't know Slade is locked up.

And apparently guarded by cyclopes.

Things you learn from playing Dungeons and Dragons for so many years: A. A little something about courage and B. the plural of cyclops. This multi-part story is called "Four Rooms" but it does not take place in a hotel. The first room is Jericho's office where Doctor Villain is waiting for Slade. The second room is where Slade is being interrogated at the Coast Guard's supermax detention center in Florence, Colorado. I don't know how they get their prisoners there by boat. The man interrogating Slade calls him "Death Strike" which is stupid. He obviously should have called him Deathstork. The man's name is Dex and he's all, "Oh! Oh! So you think you're Jesus Christ, do you?! Well, la de freakin' da!" Actually, he might be a little more adult about it. I can't help but perceive everything through the eyes of an immature asshat. The third room is Northern Vietnam. That's a big room! The star of this room is Xia (the star of the first room was Jericho and the second room, Dex). This is the room I'm going to like the most because Xia has breasts.

See? This room is the sexy room if you're into breasts, face kicks, and camel's toes.

Room Two is the room for you if you're into chauvinists. Some might read some of the things I've written and snarkily say, "Well then that must be the room for you, you buttfaggot!" No wait. Those are the things Deathstork fans generally say to me. What the other "some" might say is "That sounds like the room for you, Tess! You sexist jerko!" To them I would say (and have said!), "You've been reading me completely wrong if you thought that!" I have been known to make sexist jokes on occasion. But they're almost certainly and almost definitely quite probably making fun of the people who think that way. But then that's sort of the problem inherent in satire. Those who don't realize you're making fun of them wind up embracing you as a hero of their chauvinism. I've always been a huge fan of satire because it's generally more intelligent than just calling somebody a cunt but in the current climate where spectacularly dumb people are celebrating the causes of dumbness, racism, sexism, and lunacy, satire might not be the best way to go anymore. It's time to simply look people in the eyes, call them an asshole, and leave it at that. Finally we get to room four! That's the room where they're playing poker. In the pot is an ancient sword called Deathstork. This room also takes place "years after the massacre" in Srebrenica. If I weren't an American and were able to remember things from just over twenty years ago, I would probably remember what that was. But who can remember it since 9-11 happened? That was the worst thing to ever happen to anybody in any country ever. Sorry. My satire is showing again. Unless that's just steamy, bloody, fetid sarcasm. It's hard to tell when you're as angry as I am at the ignorance of my fellow countrymen (and countrywomen! They're no smarter than the men!). The poker game is where Slade gets the name Deathstork (and the sword!). It's also where he meets up with his team of international muckrakers, including Wintergreen. Slade teams up with Wintergreen's men to find General Dragas, the man behind the orders to commit genocide. As they search for him, they run into a little hitch. Wintergreen's translator is Bosniak and wants to see the general dead. Slade wants to the general alive so Slade can pay next month's rent. Usually Slade would win this argument but this is early in his career as Deathstork (the beginning, to be precise). And also the translator has a small army on his side. The Ranking! +1! If you were exhausted beyond belief of searching for an intelligent Deathstork comic, you can finally stop being exhausted! That's because this comic book exists. If you haven't been reading it, you'll have to be a little more exhausted as you hunt down all of the back issues (or just get off your lazy ass to get the trade (or just fucking order it on Amazon since you're already on the Internet, you lazy jerko)).