#Experience or Vice and Innocence or Virtue

[karrova]

Georges de Feure

Experience or Vice and Innocence or Virtue

[bunnysbrainrot]

Vices and Virtues

Kinktober prompt: Threesome

Relationship: Crowley/Castiel x Reader

Content: 18+ only; threesome, unprotected sex, throat fucking, p in v, creampie, degradation, double penetration, oral (f and m receiving)

Summary: After a drunken ramble, an Angel of the Lord, and the King of Hell, both take on your challenge. Turns out, Angels can be just as depraved as demons.

A/N: to make Kinktober a little more exciting, i wanted to go with a pairing that doesn’t happen too often! if you have requests for other characters, let me know!

Angels and demons have been polar opposites for millennia. Before you’d gotten into hunting, discovering what lurks in the dark, you had a basic idea of ‘good’ and ‘evil’. After some time you realized that, surprisingly, angels are dicks. It was something Dean professed every now and again.

Over time, while getting to know both an angel and a demon, it opened your eyes to a morally gray truth. Demons can sometimes have their reasons for raising Hell, sometimes even literally. Angels, despite their reputation in modern religion, weren’t always good.

Both angels and demons have both proven themselves at breaking their stereotypes. Demons weren’t always headstrong about painful torture, and angels cared too little about being ‘perfectly innocent”.

That realization hit you even harder now that you lay sprawled on the bed, with two pairs of eyes staring you down.

You were fully clothed, but with the way these two looked at you, you may as well have been stark naked. Crowley had been utterly silent, shifting glances between you and the angel. Contemplating.

Castiel, who had before been so awkward before, held an air of confidence, looking at you intently and giving a dark nod to Crowley. You sat up fully, crossing your legs as you looked between the two men, though that was a loose term.

“So,” you started, “what’s up?”

Your tone was level, but it didn’t dismiss the blush spread on your face, or the way your hair on your arms stood on end. You’d known precisely how you’d gotten into this situation, and it was all because of a stupid question a few weeks ago.

It was a simple evening for everyone to relax. You, the Winchesters, Crowley, Castiel, and Rowena had been drinking since you’d all gotten home from a long hunt. More like mission, really, but you were all home safe, and one piece. Some parts of that night had become fuzzy, but you couldn’t forget what you’d said to Castiel and Crowley when the others had left, or simply passed out.

“You think angels and demons have ever… heh… done it? Like, together?” Your words slurred together in a drunken stupor.

Castiel had given you a thoughtful look, but stared at the ceiling as he gave an answer.

“It would be possible, though it’s rather confusing. I can’t imagine an angel and demon taking one another into… the bedroom.”

Crowley piped up, “It’s only because our feathery friends think they’re above that. Total prudes, if you ask me.”

“Good thing no one asked you,” Castiel quipped, sipping his drink.

You’d all laughed it off, thinking that was the only time you would talk about it. After all, it was just a hypothetical joke, a drunken ramble.

You’d been wrong about that. It seemed that Crowley and Cas remembered every word and flirty smile you gave them that night. Crowley took a step toward you with his hands tucked behind his back, a smug smile spread across his face.

“I’m sure you recall what you’d said to us back then, about angels and demons, and their time in the bedroom.”

Shit.

You froze, eyes wide up at him while he continued.

“It got me thinking,” Crowley nodded to Castiel, “that it could be more authentic if you had the real experience.”

You reeled over his words, the pit of your stomach grew heavy as you realized just what he meant. Castiel followed Crowley’s lead and stepped toward you, his face still as stone.

“Cas?” you asked, “Are you okay with this?”

He nodded solemnly, “I didn’t know how to… navigate the situation. I was given some help.”

You cocked your head to the side, looking between the two in confusion. Crowley smiled, nodding to the angel.

“I may have given Feathers a little something to, well, help us in this. Our sweet Castiel was feeling shy, so I decided to lend him a hand.”

Castiel rubbed his nose quickly, and it clicked. Crowley must have given him some sort of aphrodisiac for tonight. Castiel shifted on his feet, glancing down to his crotch, assessing when something would kick in.

“Come here, sweetness,” commanded the King of Hell, ushering you over with beckoning fingers. You did as you were told, striding over to the demon.

Crowley cupped your cheek, sweeping his thumb across your cheekbone. His eyes raked over your face, hovering on your lips before he leaned in, planting a soft kiss. You hummed into him, letting out a high moan into his mouth when you felt another warm body from behind.

A set of hands gripped your hips and drew them back, brushing fully against a newly hard Castiel. He ground into you gently as Crowley moved his lips fluidly with your own. A breath caught in your throat when Castiel’s lips found your neck, trained on the soft spot below your ear.

He sucked at your throat, adding a painful pressure that sent heat straight to your core. The marks you would have later would have a complicated explanation, for certain.

You whined softly into Crowley’s mouth, bringing out a deep hum from him. The demon’s hands finally moved down your body, taking their time over your shoulders, down to your chest, and to your waist. He kneaded softly at the supple flesh of your middle. Your head was spinning from the rush, unsure as to which man you should give your attention.

Sometimes, Castiel’s ability to read minds was irritating, but it was your saving grace tonight. His voice creeped over your hot skin as a low growl.

“You’re nervous,” he whispered. “You can’t decide what to do, correct? All I ask is that you breathe. Relax. Let us take care of the rest.”

You let out a bated breath, melting into the two men that kept you from falling apart at their voices. Castiel’s hands wandered to your front and moved upwards to your chest, gently palming your breasts through your shirt. You mewled softly when his fingers brushed over your nipples; he toyed with the hardened buds, rolling them between his fingers.

Crowley slipped under your shirt, pushing it upwards to your collarbone, exposing your aching breasts to the cold air of the room. He dipped his head to your chest, taking claim of a nipple from Castiel, swirling a warm tongue around it. You arched your chest into his touch, stomach tightening with each movement.

There was an air of urgency around you. You needed more, the glorious torture sent you in a tizzy, desperate for attention to your aching sex. Each part of you throbbed in unison, a soft cry for their touch.

“Someone’s growing impatient,” Castiel murmured against your skin. Crowley chuckled in reply before breaking away from you. He stared at you mischievously, snapping his fingers.

In the blink of an eye, your clothes vanished, as did Castiel and Crowley’s. Two thick cocks landed against your body, eager and throbbing with each grind into your nude form. Castiel eased his length against the middle of your ass, pumping himself on you. Crowley ground into you from the front, his heavy length pressed into your stomach.

Every part of you ached in need. To be touched. To be ravaged. To be fully used.

Crowley brought a hand to your neck, pressing firmly on either side to give you that crazed pleasure from lack of air. He urgently crashed his lips to yours as you struggled to breathe. His hand released you from its grip; the blood rushing back in had you panting, a sloppy smile on your face as you ogled the demon.

It was Castiel’s hands that were more greedy, to your surprise. He took his time groping your ass, your hips, your breasts.

“Seems that our angel appreciates your looks just as much as I do,” Crowley purred against your neck, leaving wet kisses in his wake. You shivered at the air that blew across your skin, bucking your hips into Castiel’s length.

Crowley pulled you with him as he neared the bed, Castiel wasn’t far behind, pumping his cock with a fervent hand.

You sat on the edge of the bed. Crowley gently kissed your jaw, reaching your ear.

“Lay down, darling.”

Crawling to the top of the bed, you laid your head against the pillows. Castiel stood to your right, now making his way toward you. The bed dipped as both men came to your side, splitting up and moving to each end of your body.

Crowley trailed his tongue along your thigh, nipping your skin along the way. You reached upward to Cas, carding your fingers into his hair before tugging him down to you, pressing your lips to his.

As if it were lock and key, Castiel quickly took you over, kissing you with unmatched passion. His hands found your chest as they’d done before, twisting your nipple to bring out another high-pitched whine into his mouth.

Your legs were being urged apart, spread completely before Crowley, who awed at the sight of your wet slit, pulsing with each heartbeat and inviting entry. He dipped lower, nestling comfortably between your legs. His tongue jutted out and licked a wide stripe through your folds. Your hips bucked onto his tongue as it passed over your clit.

Castiel pulled away, “Does this feel good?”

The angel, as always, cared about you deeply. Your pleasure was his responsibility tonight, and he wanted to make sure he and Crowley were delivering the best service to you.

You nodded, gasping when Crowley wrapped his lips around your clit, sucking the swollen bud while his tongue flicked across the bundle of nerves. You needed more. To touch them.

Until now, you’d been so quickly overcome with pleasure you’d lost all sense to return the favor. You reached toward Cas blindly, finding his cock and wrapping your hand firmly around the shaft. He grunted as you pumped him with a tight grip, brushing your thumb over the head of his cock, now slick with precum.

You twisted your top half to face him, gripping the back of Castiel’s thigh and pulling him closer. His cock prodded your cheek before your tongue guided him into your mouth, swirling around the tip. He shuddered, bucking his hips eagerly into your mouth. You hollowed your cheeks as you bobbed your head on his length, pushing yourself lower and lower until the head of his cock slammed into the back of your throat.

“Fuck,” Castiel cursed, paired with a low moan He stared in amazement as you worked on him, the way your lips looked better wrapped around him. An image he knew would never leave his mind.

Crowley drew your attention back to him, pressing a finger to your slick entrance, dipping in with ease. He curled the digit to brush your g-spot, sending a wave of heat across your skin. You moved your hips on his finger, whining around Castiel’s cock in your effort to get more pressure.

“Not a good… angle,” Castiel said gruffly. He pulled himself from your mouth, a string of spit showing you just how sloppy you’d gotten. Crowley broke his mouth away from your pussy, his fingers still pumping into you as Castiel took hold of your shoulders.

The angel tugged you sideways and backwards. Your head hung off the side of the bed, directly in front of Castiel’s thighs. His cock thumped against your jaw, a silent command to open your mouth. You slacked your jaw to allow him in, sucking him greedily.

He cradled your head in his hands, thrusting his hips into your mouth, the head of his cock hit the back of your throat with more ease this time. From this angle, he could fully use your throat, warm and tight.

“Good,” cooed the angel, shoving himself further into your mouth, “Good girl, open up.”

Your mouth had never felt more full, now being stuffed by Castiel’s dick. Tears stung in your eyes, falling past your cheeks and into your hair. You gagged on his length, barely finding a second to breathe. Cas stilled and pulled out of your mouth, patting your cheek lightly.

“Take a breath,” he instructed.

It was hard to do so when there was a demon’s fingers buried in your cunt. You cried out when Crowley’s pace quickened, with the tension in your abdomen you could hardly breathe at all.

Crowley shifted himself into his knees, leaning over to watch your expression as he pounded his fingers against your walls. You gaped up at him, straining your neck to watch his smile grow as an orgasm took you over wholly. Blinding white light clouded your vision as you clenched around his fingers.

Between your soft whimpers, Crowley praised you, “That’s a good girl. You look so beautiful like this.”

You relished in the praise, eagerly opening your mouth for Castiel once again. He pushed himself past your lips, striking the back of your mouth and easing into you slowly, filling your throat. He thrusted slowly at first, but quickly lost himself in the tightness of your throat, his hips hurting harshly into your mouth. You gagged loudly around him, but it went ignored. Castiel kept his relentless pace, glancing to Crowley and giving him a nod.

As he fucked your throat, Crowley positioned himself at your soaked folds, pressing the thick tip of his cock against your swollen clit. You cry out around Cas’s cock, drowned out by a harsh gag when he shoved himself in fully. He eased out of you as Crowley eased himself in, their movements in tandem with one another.

Hissing through gritted teeth, Crowley stretched you inch by inch, snapping his hips into yours as he bottomed out. You’d never though someone could be filled so easily, to feel like both ends of your body would be split right down the middle.

Crowley moved slowly, allowing you to adjust to his size. Castiel let up his movements, staring longingly at your pussy, now wrapped nicely around the demon’s cock. If there was a good word for how he felt, it would be jealousy.

The angel grew frustrated, a new wave of sadistic pleasure taking him over.

He smacked your cheek, “I’m not done.”

You opened your mouth dutifully, moaning around his cock. He kept his pace slow this time, giving your throat some well-needed relief. You wound your tongue around the head when he pulled from you, sucking harshly around his tip, bringing out a soft whimper. His hips sputtered slightly before he quickly pulled back, breathing heavily.

“Careful, Castiel,” Crowley teased, pulling you down onto his cock. “Keep going like that, you’ll disappoint our little toy, here.”

Castiel glared at the demon. His chest heaved with his heavy breaths, trying to recollect himself before going further. He lifted your shoulders and adjusted you back onto the bed. Crowley kept himself buried deep in your stretched pussy, jutting his hips to strike deeper and crash against your cervix.

There was no way you could disappointed this night. Not with the way your body was being taken advantage of, in the best way imaginable. You clenched down onto Crowley’s length, making him groan at the tightness of your walls. They fluttered around him as another climax crept up. With a few quick thrusts, the demon had you falling apart on his cock.

He laughed softly, “Slutty little thing, getting spit roasted like that. Two cocks using you until you’re all filled up.”

Crowley kept your gaze as he pounded into you, his balls slapping against your ass with every deep thrust. The noises coming from your pussy were wet, sloppy, and utterly divine. It was just what Crowley needed to hear, to know he was doing his job right.

A pair of lips found yours once again, moving smoothly against you as you shuddered around Crowley again. The shockwaves of your orgasm were hardly over before Crowley pulled his length out of your sweet cunt, stretched and aching to be filled again.

“Let’s have you on your knees, kitten,” Crowley directed, lifting you up to a sitting position. His gaze softened as he looked you over. Castiel gave you a concerned look.

“Is this still okay for you?” the angel asked, eyes keening for your answer.

You nodded quickly, looking between the two men, “Of course. It’s wonderful. I was wondering if… well…” you trailed off.

Crowley lifted your chin to look at him, “Use your words, princess.”

Biting your lips, you thought about how to phrase the words. You looked sheepishly between them, “I was wondering if you could take turns. From behind, I mean.”

A darkness pooled in his eyes at the thought. To use you so freely was a blessing he’d realized he went so long without. After this, he hoped you’d remember who you belonged to this night, whose names you would be screaming.

Crowley backed up, allowing you room to position yourself. You crept toward the edge of the bed, ass up in the air, your sore pussy in full view for them. They both approached you, gazing at the lewd sight before them. You pathetically ground your hips into nothing, your hole and clit being neglected as they took their time.

“Tell me, sweetheart, who’s this?” Crowley asked lowly. A cock sat at your entrance, teasing your hole before easing inside, stretching you out slowly. You were fucked slowly, letting your body adjust and asses the feeling. Hips snapped into yours, the cock crashing against your cervix. These movements felt different from before. The length still filled you, but not as it had done with Crowley.

“Cas… Castiel,” you whimpered.

“Smart girl,” Castiel said from behind. He rolled his hips into you, sending his cock deep into your pussy. A familiar wetness leaked from you down to your clit, completely soaked in your slick. Castiel eased himself into you until he reached the hilt of his length, stilling inside of you, processing the way your walls wrapped around him, slick and hot.

Ready to be used.

His hips crashed into you without warning. You bit into the sheets as you cried through gritted teeth. Castiel fucked you mercilessly, his balls smacking against your clit and sending shocks of pleasure to your heat, wrapping ever tighter around the angel’s cock. He grunted in response, landing a blow to your ass. A wide pink handprint now decorated your skin, followed by a series of other blows to deepen the rosy color.

Crowley tapped Castiel on the shoulder. You overheard him talking to the angel between your cries of ecstasy.

“Fill that cunt to the brim, Castiel. Use that hole properly.”

On command, Castiel’s thrusts became harsher, more frantic. His thick cock stretched your walls with each movement as he slammed himself into your cervix. Your stomach tightened as you came around him, letting out a loud cry of his name into the sheets.

Quickly undone, Castiel felt a rush over him when you said his name. His thrusts faltered again, cock twitching as he spilled his load into you. He pushed deeper as he finished, fucking his cum deeper inside of your cunt.

Crowley smiled at this, smirking to the angel. “Bred like the perfect little bitch. Good work, Castiel.”

Sweat pooled at Castiel’s brow, streaking down his face as he composed himself, regaining his breath. He looked to Crowley with a drained look before pulling from you. You whined as he left you empty.

Castiel resigned to the bed, flopping back to lay by your side. He shifted to brace himself on his arm, stroking a hand through your hair. Little praises flowed from him while Crowley lined himself with your entrance.

“You’re doing so wonderfully, sweetheart.”

You gave him a lazy smile, exhausted from the toll he’d taken on you. Your attention snapped back when you felt the head of Crowley’s cock press at your pussy, coated with what of Castiel’s cum had dripped out of you. He gripped the base of his cock and eased into you as he’d done before, filling you up deeper from this angle.

After a moment he was fully settled in, feeling your warmth around his length. Crowley groaned lowly as he began to thrusts, achingly slow at first.

Hardly done, and you were sore, to say the least. The internal battle of your soreness, versus the sweet sensation of a cock filling you, could never be won. You pushed your hips onto his length, smacking softly against his hips. In reply, Crowley harshly gripped your hips and began to pick up his pace.

Each moan was a symphony, a song of whines and groans that could only be one thing.

Pure, frenzied pleasure.

You arched your back when Castiel’s hands roamed over your perk nipples, fondling each breast as best he could given the angle. You hoisted yourself up on your elbows to grant him permission to go further. His calloused hands ran across your chest to your face, cupping it gently while he watched your expression contort with each deep thrust.

Castiel smiled warmly as you cried out Crowley’s name, unable to move from the grip the angel had on you. His eyes were glued to yours. He wouldn’t dare miss a second of this.

After he’d felt you before, Crowley was just as easily spellbound by the way you took him. Each thrust pulled him further to the edge of his own orgasm, but he was intent on drawing another one from you before he did so.

“Who does this belong to?” Crowley’s voice was soft as the finest silk.

At this point, each sensation rolling through you left you gasping, all rationale had left you completely.

You dumbly whimpered out a reply, “You… both of you.”

Crowley snapped his hips into yours, setting his cock impossibly deep inside your pussy. His pace was, arguably, more intense than Castiel’s, ravaging you whole as you shuddered around him. Your climax tore through you like lightning - your vision blurred, eyes rolled back in ecstasy.

“Smart girl. You’ll get your reward very soon,” Crowley said sweetly.

Your clenched down onto him, smiling to yourself when you felt the King’s cock twitch inside of you. Crowley breathed haggardly but remained intent on his brutal pace, stretching every warm inch of your cunt to fit his cock perfectly.

Castiel’s lips caught your own, swallowing the sweet sounds you made when Crowley’s thrusts began to grow sloppy. Crowley slammed himself into you once, twice, three times until his own orgasm hit him. He slowed his movements as his own released spilled inside of you, coating your tight cunt in his cum - a reward for your obedience.

He pulled from you slowly, his drained cock hanging heavily at your ass. Warmth flooded over you as cum leaked from your pussy, staining the sheets beneath you. You lowered yourself to sit on your knees. What all had been resting inside of your sex was still flowing out of you - it was it’s own reward for being of service to these two men, after all.

Castiel presented a newly-summoned washcloth, warm and damp to the touch. He left it up to you to clean yourself before snapping his fingers, cleaning himself entirely.

“Oh, please, Cas. Where are your manners?” Crowley said, snapping.

In an instant you were fully clean and dry, melting into the mattress with a sigh. Crowley’s clothes had come back, as did Castiel’s a moment later. The two men sat your side, looking over you with pure endearment.

“I certainly hope that that was okay,” whispered Crowley, carding his fingers through your hair. You nodded, groggily shifting yourself to sit up with them. Each movement reminded you of how sore you’d be tomorrow. Regardless, it was an unforgettable experience you’d think about for a very, very long time.

With another snap of his fingers, Crowley handed you a set of thick, cozy pajamas, paired with fuzzy socks. You smiled at him, thankful that he valued your comfort.

“Are you sore at all?” Castiel piped up.

You nodded, “It’s okay, though. I like it.”

Castiel’s brows furrowed, “Humans are strange… some of you like being in pain. It is a foreign concept.”

“We could make it not-so-foreign, if you’d like,” Crowley retorted. Castiel simply rolled his eyes instead of the signature glare. You shuffled into your pajamas and sat back on the bed.

Neither the angel nor the demon left your side, instead leaning back into the bed with you.

“Staying?” you asked, “I was going to put on a movie.”

Castiel powered on the TV, “Take your pick.”

[www-pinkhearse]

I find Elysium’s religious similarities to our world very interesting and it makes me wonder what changed

(Longer rant then i intended ahead)

For example the concept of hell and heaven still exists

The concept of demons, devil, vice and sin still exit, as well as virtue

God exists, referred to as God or Host Almighty

Hell!!! crosses as religious symbols still exist

So clearly, the concepts are similar.

But clearly Christianity doesn’t exist, even though geez as an expression does?

Im also saying this as someone who’s not an expert on anything theology related, so the technical terms are lost on me, and correct me if im wrong.

A stark difference I notice in disco elysium’s in game fictional religions tho, the way they worship (in the religious way not in the general way) political figures, which reminds me of how many religions in the past would worship their emperors as they belived they were holy. First similarity that comes to mind is the romans with their emperors?

This is obviously shown in the innocences, who are political figures first, and religious symbols second

Or at least they’re characterised to be? Since I’m uncertain on how different science is from our world, and not just in the “how far back are they in discovering most things we know nowadays”, I’m talking science AS A STRUCTURE which I’m assuming is VERY different since

They haven’t been able to really explore space

The pale exists

Tape computers

Cryptids exist

SHIVERS what the FUCK is up with shivers???? The city LITERALLY talks to you

Refering back to point 5, EDC which literally lets you read kim’s mind and listen in on conversation happening somewhere else

Super rich light bending guy WHO BENDS LIGHT

Not to mention the game is literally described as a fantastic realism, a genre defined by realism with magical elements

So as far as im concerned Dolores lungs could really be glowing, I don’t know!! Just like in real life there’s that caveat of “is this really how things went?” With the difference that unlike real life a lot of these things COULD very well be more intertwined with science then in our world i suppose??

Still, you’re constantly are left to wonder if the magical stuff that happens around you ACTUALLY happened because the world’s current understanding of science is also incomplete!! We constantly experience weird magical shit happening and we don’t have ANY explanation for it and are left to doubt even if: again you can literally meet a man that bends light, find a cryptid and the pale exists. Your brain lets your read people’s minds and everything.

Elysium’s understanding of science is COMPLETELY different then ours, and i wonder what role it plays in their religion

Idk if i went anywhere here, im just , saying shit 👍 and i couldve very well skipped some key dialogue here

[epifaniacintilante]

"No; you would have her to be tenderly and delicately nurtured, like a hot-house plant—taught to cling to others for direction and support, and guarded, as much as possible, from the very knowledge of evil. But will you be so good as to inform me why you make this distinction? Is it that you think she has no virtue?"

"Assuredly not."

"Well, but you affirm that virtue is only elicited by temptation;—and you think that a woman cannot be too little exposed to temptation, or too little acquainted with vice, or anything connected therewith. It must be either that you think she is essentially so vicious, or so feeble-minded, that she cannot withstand temptation,—and though she may be pure and innocent as long as she is kept in ignorance and restraint, yet, being destitute of real virtue, to teach her how to sin is at once to make her a sinner, and the greater her knowledge,the wider her liberty, the deeper will be her depravity,—whereas, in the nobler sex, there is a natural tendency to goodness, guarded by a superior fortitude, which, the more it is exercised by trials and dangers, is only the further developed—"

"Heaven forbid that I should think so!"I interrupted her at last.

"Well, then, it must be that you think they are both weak and prone to err, and the slightest error, the merest shadow of pollution, will ruin the one, while the character of the other will be strengthened and embellished—his education properly finished by a little practical acquaintance with forbidden things. Such experience, to him (to use a trite simile), will be like the storm to the oak, which, though it may scatter the leaves, and snap the smaller branches, serves but to rivet the roots, and to harden and condense the fibres of the tree. You would have us encourage our sons to prove all things by their own experience, while our daughters must not even profit by the experience of others (...)

Anne Brontë - The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

[lesewut]

“And because I am happy, and dance and sing, they think they have done me no injury.” [Chimney Sweeper]

William Blake, a wonderfully exciting poet from the Romantic era, was born in London in 1757 into a working-class family with strong nonconformist religious beliefs. Blakes believe and symbols are continously intervowen in his art. His poetic genius is trying to liberate the instinctual self and to defeat reason. Blake's ethics formulates the originator of morality and religion through the process of liberation. Overcoming phenomenal objectness or fragmentation for the sake of a symbiotic unity of humanity within themselves and peaceful harmony of man with the world.

For every soul-wanderer, reading Blake is a spiritual gift and looking at his visualised art, a dive into cosmic seas of collective psychology. Blake is breaking the lopsided emphasis of idealistic works. In all his gatherings of beauty, there is always a shadow of existential crisis. Even in the following work "Songs of Innocence", the Fall off Paradise is already happening. The violation of nature has begotten: The water is no longer clean and clear. The eternal division of humanity from the divine cosmos as a complex interplay of an individual search for the Holy Grail, is the human idiosyncrasy. The scepticism against rationalism and science is also playing a key role in Blake's work, as he underlines that only “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” [The Marriage of Heaven and Hell] and that "Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death."

Blake condemned the scientific trio of Isaac Newton, John Locke and Francis Bacon as sterile and materialistic. In this painting, (the idea of) Newton- sits on an algae covered rock, making calculations with a compass, like Urizen in Ancient of Days. He might be at the bottom of the sea, or perhaps in a black hole. He might be as Faust, signed a contract with the devil a few moments ago and then lose oneself in a cave, studying minerals and stones.

“The imagination is not a state: it is the human existence itself.”

The work "Songs of Innocence (and Experience)" is a double set of illustrated poems showing “the Two Contrary States of the Human Soul”, the child-like and pure versus the angry and disillusioned (cf. Jung's psychology and the meanings of symbols and archetypes- The shadow of the child is the senex, vice versa). Here we also have dualistic concepts of questioning the being and the problem of theodicy: How could God tolerate the "evil" and why are bad things happening at all? If God is "the loving father" why are the humans deprived of their original goodness? Why is our world still torn between ferociousness of the few and the humble benign of the resisting ones? Through the Fall of Man the unity between man and animal was broken (Gen. 3, 17 - 19), so the seperation is a result of the "evil", which was subsequently brought into the world. An anthropological interpretation could be, that the "Fall of Man" or the "Original Sin" are narratives that memorize our cognitive faculty. First we had to be aware of ourselves and our environment, than we were able to distinguish between different kind of (living) beings. The consciousness aroused questions about ethics, examining motives, motivations and shaping a guideline of virtues (Golden Rule). But throughout the history of generating more insight- of metaphysical speculation and cosmogonic questioning of the creation of the world, it seems difficult to tell what we can really know and what are just guesses. In modern times (but beginning with Xenophanes) the imago of God is excoriated as anthropomorphic. But this statement shall not purport, that our human imagination is nothing less than an illusion and so less than nothing. As Blake wisely interlinks our assumptions with the search for the first principle:

“He who sees the Infinite in all things sees God. He who sees the Ratio only sees himself only. Therefore God becomes as we are, that we may be as he is.”

Poets are the mediator dei, healing the earthly-borns from the abscence of spiritual healing. The humanity got more distrustful torwords ideals and the invisible world, but on the contrary, an individual, who always lacked deep philosophical wondering, is affected and enraptured easily through manipulative groups, who are just imitating religious sentiments, but without soul's salvation. The search of the humankind is an eternal journey to it's cosmic roots, a balancing act between boon and bane, an entanglement of wisdom and folly: Theia Mania.

“In the universe there are things that are known and things that are unknown, and in between there are doors.”

There are some theories and perspectives dealing with the similarity between holiness and madness, found in all world religions. Mania can be the consequence of confrontation with the absolute and infinite, which is overwhelming the human reason and through overstraining, turning them mad. Mystic mania is one of my favourite motifs, it is the breath of prophecy and the ecstasy of poetizing the world of illusions, as a bridge to eternal ideas. It is the idea of intensive love (to God and being), a radical self-denial for unification, a call for liberation. Paradox pairs in Blakes works are continuously expanded,

"Without contraries is no progression. Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence."

Blake sets contrasts or he is breaking boundaries, either way he is creating and this energy of creating out of imagination, is considered by Blake as the "only life". ______________________________________________________________ Inspired by Blakes bucolic poetry and hints of a collapsing worlds, I was incited to write a small tribute with the most common motifs of the poetry in "Songs of Innocence".

The Active Evil and Passive Good by Elvin Karda

Dwelling in the arcadia Pure daisies and cle the joyful life Piping songs of pleasant glee A child watches the piper on a cload "Pipe a song about a lamb- Let those tones into the air A reminiscence of a golden land Hidden treasures in ancient sand!" The piper plucks a hollow reed fire tunes his inner song and he stains the water clear walking the rippling stream along In the evening dew The joy is giving way to tears When green shoots turn violet- blue Error is created and eternal what is true

The child's weeping as meek as lamb But vanishes and crumbles into dust As melody clothes the tone in written words Mind and body out of touch Energy is life and like a fountain overflows Active evil is better than told with bad intent passive good

[stoicbreviary]

It took me many years to appreciate William Blake, and now I can barely imagine my life without him. 

Songs of Innocence and Experience has become almost a daily source of reference for the tension between the natural and the fallen, between virtue and vice. The pairing of the text with illustrations is a special joy. 

The images reproduced in this series of posts are from the 1826 copy at the Library of Congress ("Copy Z"), as they are the best resolution I have available. 

—5/2015 

William Blake, Songs of Innocence and of Experience: Showing the Two Contrary States of the Human Soul (1794) 

[wageronancap]

Your code begins by damning man as evil, then demands that he practice a good which it defines as impossible for him to practice. It demands, as his first proof of virtue, that he accept his own depravity without proof. It demands that he start, not with a standard of value, but with a standard of evil, which is himself, by means of which he is then to define the good: the good is that which he is not.

It does not matter who then becomes the profiteer on his renounced glory and tormented soul, a mystic God with some incomprehensible design or any passer-by whose rotting sores are held as some inexplicable claim upon him—it does not matter, the good is not for him to understand, his duty is to crawl through years of penance, atoning for the guilt of his existence to any stray collector of unintelligible debts, his only concept of a value is a zero: the good is that which is non-man.

The name of this monstrous absurdity is Original Sin.

A sin without volition is a slap at morality and an insolent contradiction in terms: that which is outside the possibility of choice is outside the province of morality. If man is evil by birth, he has no will, no power to change it; if he has no will, he can be neither good nor evil; a robot is amoral. To hold, as man’s sin, a fact not open to his choice is a mockery of morality. To hold man’s nature as his sin is a mockery of nature. To punish him for a crime he committed before he was born is a mockery of justice. To hold him guilty in a matter where no innocence exists is a mockery of reason. To destroy morality, nature, justice and reason by means of a single concept is a feat of evil hardly to be matched. Yet that is the root of your code.

Do not hide behind the cowardly evasion that man is born with free will, but with a “tendency” to evil. A free will saddled with a tendency is like a game with loaded dice. It forces man to struggle through the effort of playing, to bear responsibility and pay for the game, but the decision is weighted in favor of a tendency that he had no power to escape. If the tendency is of his choice, he cannot possess it at birth; if it is not of his choice, his will is not free.

What is the nature of the guilt that your teachers call his Original Sin? What are the evils man acquired when he fell from a state they consider perfection? Their myth declares that he ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge—he acquired a mind and became a rational being. It was the knowledge of good and evil—he became a moral being. He was sentenced to earn his bread by his labor—he became a productive being. He was sentenced to experience desire—he acquired the capacity of sexual enjoyment. The evils for which they damn him are reason, morality, creativeness, joy—all the cardinal values of his existence. It is not his vices that their myth of man’s fall is designed to explain and condemn, it is not his errors that they hold as his guilt, but the essence of his nature as man. Whatever he was—that robot in the Garden of Eden, who existed without mind, without values, without labor, without love—he was not man.

Man’s fall, according to your teachers, was that he gained the virtues required to live. These virtues, by their standard, are his Sin. His evil, they charge, is that he’s man. His guilt, they charge, is that he lives.

They call it a morality of mercy and a doctrine of love for man.

-- Ayn Rand

[dalishborne]

tidbit headcanons for bg3!revenelan:

although i get the sense that there isn't really a "wrong" way to worship silvanus/uphold druidic values (correct me if i'm wrong), revenelan has it instilled in her mind to embody the true neutrality of nature. as a vastly emotional and compassionate person, she struggles with this. has a hard time accepting difficult situations as "part of the natural course", or dark/evil people as embracing their nature, but really tries to do so.

highly dislikes the undead, very wary of creatures like vampires. her experience with both are limited but she can't wrap her head around the complexity of either. they are simply the antithesis of the natural world, at least she feels so at first.

as any good druid, she is highly protective of animals and other beasts (especially since people tend to treat them as secondary), however she does not treat all animals as "innocent creatures." she knows animals to have as much personality, vices and virtues, as humanoid people. they can be kind, rude, belligerent, etc. if she had a choice, she would choose animals over people any day. you'll see her interacting with animals similarly to people.

just as in her DA verse, she is especially partial to cats and has many cat-friends back in her grove, some who live with her. she does make a special effort to befriend and talk to cats she comes across on her journey.

her favourite wildshape form is also, surprise surprise, a cat. she genuinely enjoys the cat-typical affections she might receive from others: chin scratches, pets, and being held. in battle situations, she likely utilizes a panther form the most, though she switches it up depending on the situation.

given that she's spent her entire life in her grove within the High Forest, she is a little naive to, though curious about, the outside world.

[pepper-doyle]

Phoebe "Pepper" Doyle | Virgo Sun | ESFP-A

Archetype — The Joker/Innocent Child Birthday — September 12th, 1999. Zodiac Sign — Virgo MBTI — ESFP-A Enneagram — 8 Temperament — Choleric Hogwarts House — Slytherin Moral Alignment — Chaotic Good? Primary Vice — Hot Tempered Primary Virtue — Loyal Element — Water

Overview: Mother — Dorothy Doyle Father — Dylan Doyle Mother’s Occupation — Co-Owner of the Black Spire Bar, pack leader Father’s Occupation — Co-Owner of the Black Spire Bar, secondary pack leader Family Finances — average, middle class Birth Order — Second born, middle child of the triplets, also older sibling for her younger twin siblings Brothers — Roland, Lucky, Denver Sisters — Declan Other Close Family — Douglas Doyle (Uncle), Delilah Doyle (grandma) Best Friend — tbd Other Friends — tbd Enemies — her ex, some mundus, vampires Pets — none currently Home Life During Childhood — Nice and peaceful, Pepper grew up loved in her community. Town or City Name(s) — What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Different posters of bands, musicians she admires, Any Sports or Clubs — Anime club growing up, also DnD Favorite Toy or Game — FFXIV, Ark: Survival Evolved Schooling — Graduated from High School Favorite Subject — Any music class she had Popular or Loner — in between Important Experiences or Events — getting dumped by her first boyfriend in high school, her brother and therefore her exposure to hte public Nationality — American Culture — Werewolf Pack Culture Religion and beliefs — Atheist

Physical Appearance Face Claim — Emily Rudd Complexion — Pale Hair Colour — Brown for now, she does dye it Eye Colour — Blue Height — 5' 5" Build — thin Tattoos — a pack tattoo on her back Piercings — ears, and belly button Common Hairstyle — usually just down, sometimes in a pony tail, not very styled Clothing Style — jeans and a shirt, sometimes flannel, leather jackets common Mannerisms — drumming her fingers on her leg Usual Expression — a neutral sort of face?

Health Overall (do they get sick easily)? — No she stays pretty healthy Physical Ailments — none Neurological Conditions — None that she's aware of Allergies — penicillin Grooming Habits — She keeps pretty clean most of the time Sleeping Habits — Late nights gaming so she can sometimes wake up really late Eating Habits — she likes a good steak, but generally she eats relatively balanced meals. Will eat ramen for days though if the budget's tighter Exercise Habits — she occasionally goes to the gym, mostly does zumba classes Emotional Stability — Semi stable Body Temperature — Warm Sociability — Social Addictions — None Drug Use — None Alcohol Use — Socially

Your Character’s Character: Bad Habits — picking at split ends Good Habits — tidying up after herself where she can Best Characteristic — Loyal! Worst Characteristic — Hot Tempered Worst Memory — The day her brothers fought and everything fell apart Best Memory — When she first learned to play the drums! Proud of — her band and how it progressed Embarrassed by — her brothers sometimes Driving Style — somewhat chaotic Strong Points — Her personality Temperament — A little hot as said Attitude — Confident Weakness — She's a bit judgmental Fears — losing her brothers for real, never succeeding, anti-werewolf rhetoric Phobias — Claustrophobic Secrets — she thinks if she had been in charge of the band they might never have fallen apart Regrets — Not stepping between her brothers and their tension sooner Feels Vulnerable When — anyone calls her on her bs. She's put up a lot of barriers, so if anyone catches her in a lie, or when someone realizes she's not so tough as she likes to act Pet Peeves — Being interrupted Conflicts — Her werewolf status exposed to the world Motivation — to find her brothers and help them reunite Short Term Goals and Hopes — Find Lucky, figure out what's up with the band Long Term Goals and Hopes — Get past the werewolf bias and become a successful solo artist. Sexuality — Heterosexual probably Exercise Routine — somewhat regular Day or Night Person — Night Introvert or Extrovert — Extrovert Optimist or Pessimist — Realist Greatest Want — to become a well respected solo artist Greatest Need — to connect with her brothers again

[officer-judy-moon]

All About Judy

Archetype — The Innocent Child Birthday — May 8th, 1994 Zodiac Sign — Taurus MBTI — ENFJ-A, the Protagonist Enneagram — Type 2, the Helper. Core desire: to be loved and needed. Core fear: being unwanted Temperament — Sanguine Hogwarts House — Slytherin Primary, Hufflepuff Secondary Moral Alignment — Lawful Good Primary Vice — Pride Primary Virtue — Compassion Element — Earth

Overview: Mother — Leah Moon Father — Namseok Moon Mother’s Occupation — Music Teacher Father’s Occupation — Mathematics Professor Family Finances — Middle Class Birth Order — Oldest Brothers — Kevin, Jacob Sisters — None Other Close Family — Jun, Tae (cousins) Best Friend — Alyssa (friends since elementary school) Other Friends — tbd Enemies — Herself (as her top reason to keep losing her job) Pets — a cute maltese named Poppy Home Life During Childhood — relatively peaceful Town or City Name(s) — Toronto, Canada What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Floral and cutesy on one end, and then one wall dedicated to her police dreams Any Sports or Clubs — Soccer, Tennis, Christian Club Favorite Toy or Game — Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary Schooling — High School Diploma, Police Academy Training Favorite Subject — History Popular or Loner — Popular Important Experiences or Events — Graduating from high school, getting accepted into the police academy, getting reassigned from her first province, getting dumped by her first real boyfriend shortly after her reassignment Nationality — Canadian Culture — Canadian and Korean Religion and beliefs — Raised Christian

Physical Appearance Face Claim — Park Sooyoung (Joy) Complexion — Pale Hair Colour — black Eye Colour — brown Height — 5’6” Build — Soft Classic Body type, looks better with straight and clean cut lines Tattoos — None Piercings — Ears Common Hairstyle — Down or in a ponytail or updo for work Clothing Style — at work it’s the uniform, out of work relatively cutesy preppy, romantic, or sleek chic Mannerisms — wrinkling her nose, tugging at her ear a little, covering her mouth when chewing Usual Expression — a smile! She brings in the positive energy

Health Overall (do they get sick easily)? — No she stays fairly healthy Physical Ailments — None Neurological Conditions — None Allergies — Peanuts Grooming Habits — Very neat, clean Sleeping Habits — tries to go to bed early, gets up early Eating Habits — a bit more of a mess, mostly take out as she can’t cook Exercise Habits — Works out every day to stay in shape for the job Emotional Stability — relatively stable Body Temperature — Easily gets cold Sociability — Very bubbly and social Addictions — a minor addiction to collecting plushies (i.e. beanie babies and squishmallows) Drug Use — None Alcohol Use — None, she tries to avoid drinking

Your Character’s Character: Bad Habits — picking at split ends, giving up on cooking to get takeout Good Habits — telling herself positive affirmations, regularly stretches Best Characteristic — Optimistic Worst Characteristic — Naive Worst Memory — getting dumped right after she got reassigned by her first province Best Memory — becoming a police officer! Proud of — her family Embarrassed by — her many failures in different provinces Driving Style — she’s a bit of a distracted driver Strong Points — Brave, Confident Temperament — Sanguine, overall a bubbly happy person Attitude — Cheerful Weakness — Self-righteous, a little nosy Fears — being unwanted, failing again Phobias — of vampires and werewolves (thanks to her parents), also of cats Secrets — one of the times she got removed from a province was deeply traumatizing because [redacted]. She shouldn’t have been at fault but still ended up getting reassigned. Regrets — not being able to do enough for people Feels Vulnerable When — families start bringing up proud stories about their kids and what universities they went to or jobs they have. She wants to have those things to boast about too. Pet Peeves — slow walkers, someone standing too close to her or peering over her shoulder at her phone or computer Conflicts — her mess of a job experience, and some rooted prejudices Motivation — to do her best and be the best for people, to protect people Short Term Goals and Hopes — to get along with her cousins and aunt Long Term Goals and Hopes — to become the pride of the Swynlake PD Sexuality — Probably Heterosexual? Exercise Routine — Works out regularly at the gym or runs or walks, whatever works Day or Night Person — Day Person Introvert or Extrovert — Extrovert Optimist or Pessimist — Optimist Greatest Want — to become Swynlake PD’s finest Greatest Need — to figure out what her true strength is

[audiofictionuk]

New Fiction Podcasts - 4th August 2024

Critter Protectors | Kids Animal Stories, Mr Jim & Mr Luke Audio Drama Immerse your family in the thrilling adventures of the kids podcast, "Critter Protectors," where courageous heroes unite to protect the natural world. In a universe already filled with stinky villains and ninjas, the Critter Protectors face a new formidable adversary: Victor Von Smog. Teaming up with the renowned Mr. Jim and the Spyology Squad, our heroes find themselves in a desperate race against time. Led by Mr. Jim, Mr. Luke, Marcus, Ally, and Gabe join forces to save animals, decode mysterious messages, and uncover crucial clues. Will they be able to save their hometown before it's too late? Tune in to "Critter Protectors," a podcast packed with action, where brave heroes rise against evil forces to protect the innocent and preserve the natural world. Perfect for young listeners, this kids podcast offers a blend of excitement, mystery, and valuable lessons about teamwork and environmental stewardship. Join the Critter Protectors on their epic journey and experience the captivating stories that will keep your kids entertained and inspired. Whether you're searching for engaging stories for your children or an adventurous kids podcast featuring Mr. Jim, "Critter Protectors" is the perfect choice. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240707-02 RSS: https://feeds.transistor.fm/critter-protectors-kids-animal-stories

Midnight Caller Audio Drama "Midnight Caller" is a horror series that features frightening tales of suspense and terror (performed by a full cast) and narrated by the anonymous "Caller" - a creepy storyteller who calls into a help line in the middle of the night. The stories on Midnight Caller are told in multiple episodes (4 per story) that will leave you breathless and begging for more! https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240716-05 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/f8dab01c/podcast/rss

The Wretched Audio RPG Condolences dear listener, you are about to enter the realm of The Wretched. Steel yourself for this Cosmic Horror actual play. The dice are sometimes our friends but more often foretell of the horrors that befall our adventurers. Join us as we strive to fend off the terrors our past and the vices constantly threatening to overtake our mortal virtue. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240722-02 RSS: https://feed.podbean.com/greensweaterstudios/feed.xml

Error 313 Audio Drama Error 313 is an all new sci fi show following "One" a hard working test subject looking to figure out who she is, what she's doing, and the experiment she's gotten herself involved in. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240713-02 RSS: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2369760.rss

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Dungeon Dummies Audio RPG Tales of dungeoning, rivalry, adventure and jokes. Come join us in our adventures and travel the realms. Meet new characters and conquer new challenges. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240721-03 RSS: https://media.rss.com/dungeondummies/feed.xml

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Rise of Drekis Chapter 5: One Empire, Indivisible Audio RPG Rise of Drekis will feature discrete chapters telling the story of what happens after the events of The War for Arcadia. We know Drekis becomes a power house, but that's just the big picture. What is happening on the level of individuals? Is this a great benevolence that spreads? Is it a brutal regime? https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240724-06 RSS: https://media.rss.com/rod-5/feed.xml

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Dicing With Death - Father Prosper Audio RPG This single player campaign tells the tale of Father Prosper, a cleric of Quantarius seeking to bring balance to the world around him. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240724-07 RSS: https://media.rss.com/dwd-prosper/feed.xml

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Dicing With Death - Fenix Audio RPG Fenix, a commoner from Mistrya, survived an attack from Scoria. With the war over he goes on a pilgrimage to go serve the golden dragon Shine. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240725-03 RSS: https://media.rss.com/dwd-fenix/feed.xml

The Wandering Mind Audio Book A double feature. A newly emerged alien queen. A zombie who finds purpose. This episode contains violence and adult language. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240706-02 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/f8584c6c/podcast/rss

Rose Colored Daggers Audio RPG Rose Colored Daggers is a DND podcast that is currently running the Curse of Strahd. Our DM Sarah (she/her) leads Rae (she/they), Iestyn (he/they), and Naut (him) through the fog and into Barovia. Let the adventure begin. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240706-03 RSS: https://feeds.zencastr.com/f/iIl8EUj7.rss

Comedy Pilot Presents Audio Drama Showcasing the best sitcom pilots you've never heard of.We're not Hollywood producers and we don't have a £100 million pound budget. (We did, but we spent a lot of that on yachts and houseplants.) We are serious about being funny, though. Comedy Pilot Presents gives you the best in new writing and new actors, which we combine into a delicious funny goo served in a comedy crockpot. Be warned - there are a few naughty words and references to hows-your-father, but on the whole, we're pretty nice and want you to have a laugh.For more information on our podcast and how you can contribute, visit comedypilotpresents.com https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240709-06 RSS: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2380638.rss

KNMD - The mysterious detective squad Audio Drama KNMD, dass sind Kathy, Nina, Mona und Dean, vier beste Freunde und Detektive, die gemeinsam Fälle lösen. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240707-03 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/f8473120/podcast/rss

Zenith Audio Drama Episodes released weekly on Monday, starting July 8th. Charlotte Fitzgerald is missing. When her brother Dean and his girlfriend Thea set out to find her, they stumble upon the mysterious mountain town of Zenith, California, which is hiding more than a few secrets of its own. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240708-02 RSS: https://feeds.acast.com/public/shows/zenith

Felix: Space Pirate Audio Drama Welcome to the Adventures of Felix: Space Pirate! Join our daring captain on her journeys through a galaxy where secrets and riches go hand in hand. Travel with the crew of the Royal Witch as they encounter friends, foes, and frenemies. Expect the unexpected when a stranger with no past leads them down a dangerous path to unravel their forgotten legacies. Bold choices will be made. Bonds will be formed. But you must tune in for all to be revealed. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240717-04 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/f8e68c0c/podcast/rss

Saga Roll Audio RPG Welcome to Saga Roll, your favorite actual play podcast! Join our group of friends as we dive into exciting tabletop RPG adventures. We're currently exploring the world of Modiphius's Fallout, focusing on immersive storytelling. Our journey began with Vampire the Masquerade, and now we're sharing our love for RPGs with you. Follow us, get comfy, grab some snacks, and enjoy our epic gaming sessions. Don't miss out on our thrilling episodes and unforgettable moments! Listen and follow us to never miss an episode! https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240703-04 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/f9020928/podcast/rss

Based New World Audio Book Follow Kelly on their adventure to better understand their AI-driven world in this work of fiction written and recorded by Dylan Faullin. All music and sound effects from freesound.org (Creative Commons 0).A printed version of this work is not currently available. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240701-06 RSS: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2367934.rss

Aether Stories Audio Book Frances DeLisle is an intrepid explorer and reporter in a world where Queen Victoria reigns supreme and steam technology is the undisputed monarch. These pages contain the short stories and tales she uncovers on her daring adventures. So, embark upon the seas, soar through the skies, and traverse the lands in this steampunk realm where your imagination can whisk you away on a grand flight of fantasy. francesdelisle.substack.com https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240701-07 RSS: https://api.substack.com/feed/podcast/2728307.rss

Trail Blaze Fiction Audio Book Come blaze a trail through stories with me. At the end of each weekly post, you get to vote on where the story goes next. revadamthomas.substack.com https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240705-04 RSS: https://api.substack.com/feed/podcast/2742224.rss

Livet e en Quest Audio RPG En rollspelspodd där komiker med noll koll på rollspelsvärlden kastas in i äventyr av rollspelsentusiasten Anton Bjöörn. My Gudmundsdotter & Erik Broström m.fl. har ofta sällskap av en inbjuden gäst i olika äventyr. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240720-02 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/ef7bf260/podcast/rss

The Seneschal: A Rebel Moon Story Audio Drama Long before the Motherworld battled the rebel army on Veldt, five hundred years before Issa was reborn, Moa and its colonies were ruled over by a mercurial and brutish despot, the mad King Ulmer. Despised by his people but determined to hold onto power at all costs, Ulmer revives the lost Prophecy of Issa as a balm for the masses. And with it, he orders a pair of renowned inventors to construct a warrior knight unlike any before. A tale of creation, ambition, faith and betrayal, this is the story of the first Jimmy, the man who built him, and the woman who gave him life. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240729-01 RSS: https://feeds.megaphone.fm/NETFLIX9685155054

Records of the Realms Audio RPG Embark on adventure through the realms of storytelling! Our actual play podcast features a rotating cast of Record Keepers (Game Masters) and Scriveners (players) exploring a variety of tabletop RPG systems. From fantasy to sci-fi, horror to romance, and more, join us in experiencing captivating tales shaped by a variety of unique voices and perspectives. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240730-01 RSS: https://pinecast.com/feed/records-of-the-realms

The Adventures of Bud & Herb Audio RPG The Adventures of Bud & Herb is a new podcast from The Pocket Dimension. One part immersive audio drama and one part Dungeons & Dragons game where the dice tell the story and anything can happen. Follow along as best friends Bud and Herb hunt a cryptid that terrorizes their sleepy little town of Mystra’s Glen. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240729-02 RSS: https://feeds.transistor.fm/the-adventures-of-bud-and-herb

The Nth Degree Audio Book A storytelling show that’s meant to feel like a cross between an event at a literary bar in New York City and an intimate conversation held in the dim light of a waning summer evening. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240726-02 RSS: https://feed.podbean.com/thenthdegree/feed.xml

Roll For Rizz Audio RPG Step into the whimsical world of 'Roll For Rizz,' where a band of heroes, reincarnated into modern-day Japan by Goddess Inc., face an unexpected challenge: adapting to everyday life while thwarting the sinister remnants of their former nemesis. Created by Chester Lidden, this improvised comedy series takes cues from beloved anime like Konosuba, Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid and The Devil Is a Part-Timer, blending fantastical escapades with slice-of-life humor. Join Caleb Jones, Micah Riley, and the enigmatic Nick (Redacted) as they; navigate rent payments, strengthen bonds, and combat encroaching evil forces from their past world. Produced by Heath Studios, 'Roll For Rizz' promises a delightful blend of heartfelt character journeys and uproarious mishaps, promising viewers an unforgettable journey into a world where magic meets mundane, and adventure meets apartment living. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240729-03 RSS: https://feeds.transistor.fm/roll-for-rizz

Amanda Vint's Podcast Audio Book Here you can listen to me read my romance novels to you for free! New episodes released every Friday. Enjoy! https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240728-01 RSS: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2389744.rss

Lights Out Audio Drama Lights Out follows the disappearance of the Starship Athena and what happened onboard. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240213-08 RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/ed2b84a8/podcast/rss

An Invisible Sun Audio Book An Invisible Sun is a work of narrated speculative audio fiction written and performed by W. Keith Tims, writer of The Book of Constellations and The Love Talker. Set a hundred years in the future, history professor Christopher Cousins believes he's contracted a mysterious plague which is somehow related to the orbital Gates that allow light-speed travel through the solar system. But the governments and corporations are willing to do everything they must to suppress the existence of it. What's more, those with the plague can hear and see strange things no one else can. As he investigates, he falls in with a group of dissidents (or are they terrorists?) who, like him, want to uncover the truth--which may be the biggest secret humanity has ever kept. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240801-01 RSS: https://feeds.redcircle.com/bd2b862a-0abe-4835-918b-f9b941b1eafd

The Sins of Autumn- Badger Tales Actual Play Audio RPG The Sins of Autumn is a dnd5e podcast set in a completely homebrew world based on Celtic mythology. Follow, Ocras, Ash, Isla, Hastrubal, Gorum and Fitz as they find themselves entangled in a deep and terrible curse that threatens to overwhelm an ancient family. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240730-02 RSS: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2390336.rss

Case Study: IREC-A59 Audio Drama 16 USB’s of the first recorded interaction between aliens and humans.  https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240731-01 RSS: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2386590.rss

Crossroads Cantina Audio Drama Step into 'Crossroads Cantina,' where stories spring to life. Merging captivating audio dramas with enchanting short story narrations, each episode is an adventure into imagination. From mystical tales to heart-pounding adventures, our podcast is a haven for listeners seeking stories that resonate deeply. So, pull up a chair, let your imagination soar, and become part of a community where stories aren't just told—they're experienced. Whether you're a longtime listener or a first-time visitor, there's always a seat for you at the Cantina. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240112-03 RSS: https://feeds.captivate.fm/crossroads-cantina/

Meena Mason’s Podcast Audio Book If you love getting lost in the world of audiobooks, you must listen to Meena Mason’s entertaining stories. Dive into the Western romantic mystery, Because of a Woman, where betrayal, love, and revenge turn lives upside down or embark on the epic fantasy adventure, The Thief’s Tale and unravel Kessa Decora’s mesmerizing past. Intrigue, passion, and adventure await. Give your ears a treat. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240722-03 RSS: https://feed.podbean.com/meenamason/feed.xml

Sanctuary Audio Drama Starring Lily Rabe (American Horror Story). A woman wakes up on a future terraformed Mars, only to discover her husband has become the dictator of Mars, and the only way she can secure a free and peaceful future for the planet is to kill him. https://audiofiction.co.uk/show.php?id=20240725-04 RSS: https://feeds.megaphone.fm/sanctuary

[my-reference-notes]

Awakening the Heroes Within

Pearson's early work that describes the 12 archetypal model that was the origin of the PMAI instrument - Pearson identifies the twelve archetypes as the Innocent (Idealist), Orphan (Realist), Warrior, Caregiver, Seeker, Lover, Destroyer (Revolutionary), Creator, Ruler, Magician, Sage, and Fool (Jester).

Awakening the Heroes Within builds on Jung's concept of individuation by clustering the archetypes developmentally in three groups: Ego, Soul, and Self.

The Ego cluster includes the Idealist, Realist,Caregiver, and Warrior types and are basic to human functioning. With the second half of life comes the initiation of the internal journey of the hero.

INNOCENT/IDEALIST [Denial of reality]

ORPHAN/REALIST [Irresponsibility]

WARRIOR [Compromised Principles]

CAREGIVER [Guilt Manipulation]

The Soul cluster is composed of the Seeker, Lover, Creator, and Revolutionary, contributing to identity development that deepens as people mature.

SEEKER [Commitment Avoidance]

LOVER [Seductive sirens]

CREATOR [Obsessive distraction]

DESTROYER/REVOLUTIONARY [Addictive compulsions]

The Self cluster, containing the Ruler, Magician, Sage, and Jester, are the archetypes of the Self, which Jung thought of as the balancing point of the entire psyche (conscious, personal unconscious, and collective unconscious). The Self represents wholeness, is linked to the numinous or divine, and is symbolized by the circle or mandala.

RULER [Tyrant]

MAGICIAN [Evil Sorcerer]

SAGE [Heartless judge]

JESTER/FOOL [Without dignity or self-control]

The model is described in stages, but in experience the journey is spiral, where one encounters the same archetypes at different levels of integration as personal development progresses. The archetypes are also called forth in handling particular life tasks and responding to new challenges. A given life situation may call forth a particular archetype regardless of what archetype is theoretically predominant in that period of a person's life. All twelve archetypes are potentially present in any moment, and what may be called forth depends upon both the situation and archetypes (gods) who oversee that particular life period.

Imagine each of these archetypes as a best descriptor for your protagonist. As Pearson explains, each archetype is tempted by virtues and vices (i.e. strengths and weaknesses) to motivate their actions. Her book, of course, goes into more detail.

INNOCENT/IDEALIST [SANSA]

Denying danger leads to abandonment, but Discerning danger leads to safety. or False Optimism (misplaced trust) leads to abandonment, but Fidelity (loyalty) to reality leads to safety

ORPHAN [THEON]

Ignoring reality and embracing victimization and pain leads to exploitation; but Facing reality and taking responsibility for pain leads to safety.

WARRIOR [ARYA]

Battling everything in our path leads to loss and weakness; but Having discipline to battle what matters leads to winning and strength.

CAREGIVER [BRIENNE]

Coarse selfishness leads to puts one's self in harms way, but Generous compassion leads to care for others in harms way. 

SEEKER [STANNIS, DAVOS?]

Reckless conformity to the status quo leads to a false self-respect and unhappiness, but Autonomous (independent) initiative leads to a deeper self actualization and a better life. 

LOVER [JON]

Fear of commitment leads to loss of love, but Pursuit of your passion leads to bliss. 

DESTROYER [TYRION]

Draconian arrogance leads to annihilation; but Humility leads to metamorphosis.

CREATOR [SAMWELL]

Stifling our natural creativity leads to inauthenticity, but Cultivating our natural creativity leads to vocation.

RULER [DAENERYS]

Autocratic recklessness leads to chaos and disorder, but Autocratic consideration leads to order and structure.

MAGICIAN [MELISANDRE]

Ignoring the cosmos* leads to evil sorcery, but Alignment with the cosmos* leads to righteous transformation. (* natural law)

SAGE [BRAN]

Material attachment leads to dark deception, but Transcendence leads to enlightened truth.

FOOL [JAMIE?]

Playing tricks on reality leads to walking deadness (non-aliveness), but Letting reality playing tricks on us leads enjoyment, joy and freedom. 

LINKS

The Moral Premise Blog: Story Structure Craft

Twelve Character Archetypes PDF

Pearson-Marr Archetype Indicator / Assessment

[prolix-yuy]

What in the Actual Hell?

I don't know what to do with myself. This one got me by surprise! I passed 400 followers around my birthday and was like, "Aw, that's nice, you guys are too kind, I am a little gremlin who thrives on positive reinforcement," and then you come back and do this?! What's a girl supposed to do to deal with all these emotions?

Well, write, I guess.

I made the decision that IF I hit a crazy milestone (like 500 of you beauties being kind enough to follow me) I was going to open requests. So here I am, making good on my word!

LJ's 500 Follower Celebration!

Welcome to my little request celebration! To thank you all for being amazing and supporting me on this wild platform, I'll be opening my asks to requests starting now, July 25th, until July 31st, for requests!

Here are the request guidelines:

Send me the pairing you would like. It can be any character I've written before (including any versions from previous stories), or someone completely new! I work mostly within the Pedro Pascal cinematic universe, but other Star Wars franchises are welcome too.

Pick a theme from the list under the "Read More."

If there is anything specific you'd like to add to the prompt (a little flavoring for the story) or would not like in the prompt (Teen vs Explicit, fluff vs angst, etc) please feel free to include it! Otherwise I'll run with the prompt as the inspiration strikes.

I'll be keeping the requests under 2k words for my own sanity and ability to get them out with any sort of timeliness.

Requests will be posted...roughly over the next few weeks. It will honestly depend on how many come in. I'll give a posting update after the 31st!

The list of topics I do not write for is included at the bottom of the theme list. I will also reserve the right to not complete an ask if it is outside of my comfort zone content-wise.

Thank you all for brightening up my days with fun interactions, wonderful comments and so many new friendships. You make writing a joy for me, and I love sharing new stories with you.

Topics

Beauty of simplicity

Change of power – necessity

Change versus tradition

Chaos and order

Circle of life

Coming of age

Communication – verbal and nonverbal

Companionship as salvation

Convention and rebellion

Dangers of ignorance

Darkness and light

Death – inevitable or tragedy

Desire to escape

Destruction of beauty

Disillusionment and dreams

Displacement

Empowerment

Emptiness of attaining false dream

Everlasting love

Facing darkness

Facing reality

Fading beauty

Faith versus doubt

Family – blessing or curse

Fate and free will

Fear of failure

Fulfillment

Greed as downfall

Growing up – pain or pleasure

Hazards of passing judgment

Heartbreak of betrayal

Heroism – real and perceived

Hierarchy in nature

Identity crisis

Illusion of power

Immortality

Individual versus society

Inner versus outer strength

Injustice

Isolation

Knowledge versus ignorance

Loneliness as destructive force

Losing hope

Loss of innocence

Lost honor

Lost love

Love and sacrifice

Man against nature

Manipulation

Materialism as downfall

Names – power and significance

Nature as beauty

Necessity of work

Optimism – power or folly

Overcoming – fear, weakness, vice

Power and corruption

Power of silence

Power of tradition

Power of wealth

Power of words

Pride and downfall

Progress – real or illusion

Quest for discovery

Quest for power

Rebirth

Reunion

Role of men

Role of Religion – virtue or hypocrisy

Self-awareness

Self-preservation

Self-reliance

Temporary nature of physical beauty

Temptation and destruction

Vanity as downfall

Vulnerability of the meek

Vulnerability of the strong

Will to survive

Wisdom of experience

Youth and beauty

Topics I do not write for: explicit pregnancy content; motherhood; non/con, dub/con, or cnc without consent being explicitly given beforehand; incest; mommy kink; dd/lg dynamic; ageplay; sexual violence towards any character.

[londonwit]

           ❝ let's take a walk on the d a r k s i d e then. ❞

« jack mullarkey, 30, he/him, dc comics » ∙∙ loading case file for john constantine. known aliases, if any: the hellblazer. current location: new york, new york.  current occupation: occult detective. he is known to be quick-witted and selfish, so proceed with caution. their current alliance: civilian. penned by ree. ©

GENERAL DETAILS.

full name: john thomas constantine. nickname(s): johnny, conjob. name meaning: "god is gracious." age: thirty. date of birth: may 10, 1992. place of birth: liverpool, england. ethnicity: white. gender: cis man. pronouns: he/him/his. sexual orientation: bisexual. romantic orientation: biromantic. religion: unaffiliated. occupation: occult detective. education level: general certificate of education (gce). living arrangements: bounces from one place to another; was homeless for several months when he was 16 after being kicked out of his childhood home by his father. speaking voice and accent: british. spoken languages: english, latin, ancient greek, hebrew, sanskrit, ect.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, ETC.

faceclaim: jack mullarkey. hair color and style: blonde, clean cut. eye color: blue. height: 6'0". weight: 158 lbs. body and build: lanky, somewhat muscular. tattoos: several incantations of varying languages inscribed on his forearms, similar to the tattoos he has in the injustice comics. piercings: helix piercing in both ears, yet they've mostly closed up. clothing style: typically formal wear with a tie and trenchcoat. distinguishing characteristics: dimpled chin and piercing blue eyes. signature scent: silk cut cigarettes.

HEALTH.

mental disorder(s): suffers from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as brief instances of psychosis following the incident in newcastle when he damned a young girl’s soul to hell by accident. physical disorder(s): lung and cardiovascular complications due to his chain smoking. allergies: cats. sleeping habits: often experiences insomnia and has difficulty falling asleep. he also just stays up until ungodly hours. eating habits: a lot of instant noodles and hot pockets. sociability: he’s rather sociable unless he’s going through a rough time. it’s others who’d prefer not to associate with him given his track record of dead friends and family members. addictions: nicotine. drug abuse: in his early twenties, he was on antidepressants and prescribed olanzapine by his doctors at ravenscar psychiatric institute, where he was a patient for two years. alcohol use: will go on a bender every once in a blue moon but usually sticks to a glass of whiskey (or several) each night.

PERSONALITY.

label(s): the con artist, the devil’s advocate, the bibliophile, the karma houdini, the narcissist, the hellion, the addict, the deadpan snarker, the anti-hero. positive traits: charismatic, persuasive, humanistic, pragmatic, quick-witted. negative traits: cunning, selfish, arrogant, cynical, self-loathing. astrology: taurus. personality type: entp. moral alignment: chaotic neutral. hogwarts house: slytherin. element: fire. primary vice: pride. primary virtue: diligence. weather: rainstorm. color: orange/gold. music: the clash. movie: blade runner. book: the island of doctor moreau. sport: rugby. beverage: whiskey. food: bacon and eggs. animal: fox. season: autumn.

FAMILY.

mother: mary anne constantine (died in childbirth). father: thomas constantine (deceased). significant other: n/a. best friend: chas chandler. exes: zatanna zatara, oliver (ex-boyfriend), nightmare nurse, several meaningless flings. sibling(s): cheryl masters, sister (murdered by her husband), unnamed twin brother (died in the womb). children: n/a. extended family: tony masters, brother-in-law (deceased), gemma masters, niece. pet(s): n/a.

short bio: after a botched exorcism in his adolescence led to an innocent girl named astra logue being damned to hell, john has been running from the demons of his past and drowning his sorrows in a bottle of liquor, all while leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake. a conman by trade and savvy occult detective on nights he’s not conjuring demons, john’s spent the last several years swindling the streets of london with his impressive wit and token charm.

[huntertales]

Part Two: Vices And Virtues. (Rock And A Hard Place S09E08)

Episode Summary: Sheriff Jody Mills enlists the help of Y/N and the Winchesters to help investigate multiple kidnappings that belonged to the same chastity group. The three decide to infiltrate the group for themselves. But things go wrong when Y/N and Dean disappear. Sam and Jody must rescue them before it’s too late. Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Warning: Descriptions of intimacy Word Count: 5,728.

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

A/N: I tried something with this part...don’t know if it’s gonna come out good or totally suck. Obviously you guys know what you’re getting yourself into with the context of this episode. I really didn’t know how to add proper warning that would make sense, so bare with me. Obviously read at your own discretion. I hope you guys enjoy! 

You'd do just about anything for a hunt if it meant an innocent life could be saved from disaster, or worse, death. YAnd you did your fair share of stupid things over the years. Sitting here in an abstinence support group after regaining your virginity was on the top of the list. You sat on one of the fold-out wooden chairs and patiently waited for your first and only meeting of "Abstinence Purifies Us" to begin. It seemed the group was going to be much larger than you realized it was going to be when you saw a crowd of women come into the room designated for things such as this. What you noticed right away when everyone formed a circle to start the meeting was that there was not a single man in sight besides the brothers.

While you continued waiting, you went on thinking about how regaining your virginity at your age would be slightly strange as well, presuming almost all of the group in the group were going to be those who were high school aged to some in their twenties. You were a bit surprised to see a few who appeared to be possibly other than you. Perhaps they were like you, born-again virgins like you who wanted a fresh start in life. You folded your hands in your lap and patiently waited for everyone to join and get started.

“Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Suzy.” The woman sitting at the head of the circle spoke up and introduced herself after spotting a few new faces in the group. “I’d thought we’d begin with a silent prayer for our missing friends.”

You and Sam closed your eyes and lowered your head out of respect for everyone else when they did the same. Dean didn't see much of the point, seeming to be lost in his own personal thoughts when he stared at Suzy to follow her directions. You opened your eyes to check up on Dean, only to see he was being stubborn as usual. You cleared your throat and shot him a warning glare to play along. He quickly did as everyone else, knowing it was better to go along with the part without causing too much suspension. You rolled your eyes before shutting them again for a few more seconds before Suzy concluded the prayer.

“Now,” Suzy finally moved on to the actual beginning of the meeting after getting the formalities out of the way. “Does anyone have anything they’d like to share?”

"I wrote a new piece of verse." A young woman eagerly raised her hand, deciding to go before anyone else could try. She picked up a pink piece of paper and stood up from her seat. "It's called 'Sex is a racket, and God's ball is in your tennis court."

You were expecting to hear all sorts of different things during this meeting, but that one not one of them. You had to cover your hand with your mouth to keep the smile that crossed your face from showing how ridiculous the work sounded. You quickly composed yourself when you caught the disapproving shake of the head from Sam. You wanted to hear what was written, but it seemed Suzy declined the offer, not wanting to hear it today. It seemed she was trying to save the new members from not coming back next time for a bad first experience.

“And we would love to hear that, Tammy—later.” Suzy politely shot down the woman from letting her read to the group. You swore a few people seemed relieved at not being forced to listen to another one of the woman’s works. Tammy's smile slowly fell from her lips at being shot down from her writing she spent working so hard on. She sank down to her seat as Suzy directed her attention to you and the boys. “Why don’t we hear from our new friends? Sam, what brought you here to reclaim your virginity?”

You looked over at the younger Winchester to hear his response. He suddenly appeared to be a deer in headlights  when everyone's eyes landed on him, curious to see what his answer was going to be. He wasn't sure what to say, in all honesty, he decided to go with the truth. "Well, I guess because every woman I've ever had relations with, uh...it...hasn't ended well."

“He’s not lying.” You mumbled to yourself, knowing from personal experience. It seemed your comment didn’t go unnoticed from the man himself. You turned your head to see his infamous bitch face flash in your direction. “What? Sorry, Sammy, but it’s the truth.”

“Thank you for sharing, Sam. Stay strong. Stay pure.” Suzy said. The motto was chanted by everyone else in the group before the next person was up to share. And from the way it seemed to be, you were up next. “What about you, Y/N? What set you on the path away from sin?”

"Well, I guess I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I feel at this point in my life I need a fresh start. I haven't liked the way it's turned out since I lost my virginity." You began with your reason why you were here, thinking quick on your feet for a reasonable answer. Sometimes honesty was the best policy. So you went from there. "Funny enough, I gave it up pretty late in life. I was actually a virgin up until I was twenty-seven. Sex wasn't important to me. I was focused on other things. And if I'm being honest...I was scared to give it up to anyone else. It's such an intimate thing for someone to do. Sure, some might think sex is fun, and while they—"

You wanted to say that someone had the right to have sex with whoever they wanted, a natural reaction when it came to your way of thinking. You managed to bite your tongue in time before you could say it, remembering the crowd you were speaking to. "Basically, I wasn't in a rush to lose it. But I knew who I secretly wanted to be my first." 

You turned your head to look over at Dean, a smile creeping across your lips at the honesty even he didn't know about. "It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. We just said our first 'I love yous' to each other and somehow one thing led to another…and we made love in the backseat of his old Chevy.  It was out in the middle of an empty field at night, just the two of us with the radio playing in the background. All of it felt perfect, if I’m being honest.”

You swore you saw a few ladies drift off into personal thought of what it might have been like. A sort of dreamy expression when they saw Dean. He looked like the kind of guy who could charm the pants off anyone. While they were saving themselves for marriage, you saw the wandering eyes, the hidden lust even they couldn't ignore. A little bit of satisfaction came over you knowing he was all yours to keep.

“I realized a lot of bad things feel good in the moment. I had to learn the hard way temptations like mine come with consequences." You went on. "I discovered mine the morning after I gave up my virginity. It turned out Dean was doing something behind my back, something that broke my heart."

"He cheated on you?" Bonnie felt the need to cut in, her pretend sympathetic expression was hidden behind a told-you-so kind of tone.

"Sure. He...cheated on me." You went on with the lie, knowing the truth would sound bonkers to these kinds of people. "Anyway, what trust I thought I had in him disappeared. Lying to me about something like that hurt me. I guess it was God's way of punishing me. But I didn't listen. I ended up doing some other things I regretted."

"This is a safe space, Y/N." Suzy reassured you after falling silent, wanting to act as if you were still guilt ridden to this very day. "Anything you admit today will not be faced with judgement. We're here to help one another. Confession can be a great way to start over." 

"During our breakup, we decided to go our separate ways for a while. Dean dated a nice woman while I stayed single. However, while I tried to be good, I lost myself again to the temptation of sin. One day when I was feeling my lowest and drinking way too much. Sam and I..." The ladies all collectively raised their brows, curious and hanging off your every word about what you were going to say. You let out a sigh, pretending as if you had been holding your breath. "We had sex. I mean, it wasn't like what Dean and I had. It was mindless, rough sex. Our souls weren't in it. Sex always seems like a good idea because it feels good. That is, until you come down from the high and realize what did." 

"And you never did it again?" Bonnie asked you, her little too wide-eyed stare pointed in your direction from what you admitted.

"Oh, no. We hooked up on and off for a year behind Dean's back. And we denied it every time he asked us." You said, adding fuel to the discomfort slowly growing across Bonnie's face the more she heard. "But it made me realize how much I loved my boyfriend. Whenever I slept with someone else, it didn't feel right. And I'm sure he would say the same thing with every chick he brought back from the bars before we started dating. If anything, his biggest sin would be the slew of sloppy one night stands." You turned your head and gave the older Winchester a bright smile as you reached out to grab his hand and embraced with your own. "Right, honey?"

"Thank you for that...interesting share, Y/N." Suzy said. From the looks of it, she was still trying to wrap her head around the details you painted for her and the group. Everyone chanted their slogan to you before moving on to the next person up to share. "And what about you, Dean?"

"Like my loving girlfriend has told you, I have a history of one-night stands. I wasn't a prude. To me, Sex has always felt—I don't know—good, you know? Relationships weren’t for me. It was always too...complicated. It was better to hit it and quit it.” Dean chuckled at the joke that sounded funny to him, but landed on deaf ears. His smile slowly faded as he got more serious to match the tone of the room. “That was until I met Y/N. If there’s one thing I learned while we’ve been together, it’s the thrill of getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I guess like your virginity, you want to give it to someone special. You want to give all of yourself away to this person. For a long time I thought that wasn't for me. Sex has always been about the pleasure. It was fun. You know?”

Dean was trying his best to work with the crowd to try and get them to understand where he was coming from here. But it seemed he lost them again. Nevertheless, he went on with his confession. "But, uh...sometimes all those hookups make you feel bad, you know? You're drunk. You shack up. Then, it's the whole morning thing. You know, 'Hey, that was fun.' And then, 'adios,' you know? Always the 'adios.'

"I got tired of that. I hated filling the void in my heart with something temporary. I guess life kicked me in the pants at some point and made me realize what I really wanted. I wanted Y/N. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And, yeah, we kind of did things backwards...had a few bumps in the road. But isn't that what life is all about?” A few women nodded their head in agreement while the others verbally answered. "If anything, being in a long committed relationship made me appreciate how sex can be something meaningful." 

You had to admit, Dean had you in the first half of what he was saying. He sounded genuine with his words, as if he was putting his heart into this and playing up the role to make a good impression. Until it veered in the direction you should've feared. "Like I said, sex has always been fun. I'm not denying that. And it's even better with a life-long partner. You get to explore their body in an intimate way no one else will ever be able to do. Know what makes them go crazy . Isn’t that what it comes down to, right? 

"There's the touching and the feeling all of each other, knowing exactly where to go that gets them all excited. There’s no fumbling around. You just get straight to the point.” Dean was officially having too much fun at this point when he realized almost everyone was hooked in his words, yourself included. He dropped his voice so it was lower, almost sensual. “My favorite part is being able to trace every inch of her body, touching the places that only I get to see. In the moment it’s just the two of us moving together, pressing and pulling...grinding." 

Dean was and always will be a flirt, it was in his personality. A special skill set of his that you admired even before got together with him. Sometimes all it took was a pretty smile for you to feel swooned. While he might annoy you with that mouth of his most of the time, he also could get you in the mood. And it seemed you weren’t the only one starting to awkwardly shift in your seat from the way he was going on. You scratched the back of your ear as you tried to keep yourself focused and not lulled into a fantasy while he went on. 

“You forget about everything and everyone around you when you hit that perfect spot. All you can think about is reaching the end. And slowly, everything just builds and builds and builds until it all just..." Dean made an explosive noise to sneakily hint at what he was saying, trying to keep it family friendly. Tammy found herself lost in the moment, crushing the paper with her written verse, as if she was trying to calm herself down. 

Dean was and always will be a flirt, it was in his personality. A special skill set of his that you admired even before got together with him. Sometimes all it took was a pretty smile for you to feel swooned. While he might annoy you with that mouth of his most of the time, he also could get you in the mood. And it seemed you weren’t the only one starting to awkwardly shift in your seat from the way he was going on. You scratched the back of your ear as you tried to keep yourself focused and not lulled into a fantasy while he went on. 

“You forget about everything and everyone around you when you hit that perfect spot. All you can think about is reaching the end. And slowly, everything just builds and builds and builds until it all just..." Dean made an explosive noise to sneakily hint at what he was saying, trying to keep it family friendly. Tammy found herself lost in the moment, crushing the paper with her written verse, as if she was trying to calm herself down. 

Sam was starting to hate his brother at the moment. The room shifted to an awkward tone after hearing what kind of filth Dean thought would be appropriate enough to speak about. Simple talk that got even the prudent of virgins fidgeting in their seats. You weren’t saved from his ever present glare when you happened to feel his lingering stare upon you. You guessed it was for the confession you made yourself, and not stopping Dean when you should’ve. You innocently shrugged your shoulders and looked on, never admitting to the fact you were lost in the moment like every other woman here. Sam’s expression changed into his infamous bitchface to his brother, appearing again in the span of a few minutes.

“But the whole thing was just a little too, uh...sticky. And complicated. So, uh, I got my ‘V’ card back so I can do things right.” Dean topped off his confession with a smile and a slap to his knee. “The end.”

After Dean’s explicit confession, the meeting continued on like normal without anything titillating details from the other members. You half-listened to everyone else as they took the opportunity to confess themselves of what almost tempted them this week along with a couple of Bible verses being read aloud to help strengthen the bond to their abstinence before wrapping up things. You helped clean up the chairs and tidy up things, deciding it was the least you could do after your share. 

Luckily the meeting continued on like normal without anything else more...exciting from the other members. You half listened to everyone take the opportunity to confess this week what tempted them and a couple of Bible verses before wrapping up. You helped clean up the chairs and tidy things up, deciding to be a little bit respectful after the share you had. To be honest, you said all of those things out of fun, knowing your sexual history was a tad bit odd compared to most. 

You made your way back over to the boys after all of you did your share to help clean up the place, letting everyone else mingle among one another. Sam didn’t waste a second after getting you and Dean to enough of a deserted spot to share his discomfort felt during the entire meeting because of the both of you. You broke out into a smile even before he could get the words out. 

“So, wee bit of an over share, guys?” Sam sarcastically asked you, still squirming around at the details forever burned in his mind. You let out a chuckle in amusement. “It’s not funny, Y/N.”

“Kind of is, Sammy.” You teased him. 

“I was purifying.” Dean said, going to his defense about the reason why he went so graphic. He found himself losing track of focus when he spotted the consular, Suzy, talking to one of the members. “Hey, she look familiar to you? Swear I know her from somewhere.”

“Pack it up, Casanova. That stupid line might work, but you’re not single anymore.” You reminded him. 

“Oh, sweetheart, there’s no one in this world I want to give up my virginity to again besides you.” Dean laid it on thick with the flirtation when you took his words the wrong way. You rolled your eyes. “Seriously. It’s bugging me. Come on, let’s go find out.”

You felt a tap on your shoulder, delaying you from responding to Dean’s request. You looked over to see it was Bonnie standing there with a too wide of a smile. “I’ll catch up in a second, hun. The girls need to talk.” You joked with Dean, nodding your head to Bonnie. He escaped before he could find out what she wanted to talk to you about. You returned the smile when you glanced back over to her. “Hey.”

“So?” She asked you, curious for you to answer something you had no idea what for. You raised your brows and continued to smile, wondering what the hell she was baiting. “How did you like the meeting? That was quite a share.”

“I loved it. I know, but I feel so comfortable around you guys. This is the first time I’ve ever come clean about this stuff to someone else.” You said. You decided to play along for the hell of it, laying on the act extra thick as you went on. “You know, I couldn't help but think of those who weren't here.”

“Oh. Honor. She's my favorite.” Bonnie said, sadly smiling at the mention of the missing member. Before she could continue this riveting conversation, Bonnie found her attention lingering over to the snack table where she saw one of the women sneaking an extra snack for later. “Would you excuse me?”

“Of course.” You said, stepping out of the way to Bonnie could tend to whatever needed her attention. You thought you might be able to finally sneak away and join Dean, who seemed to be in conversation with Suzy. However you were stopped again by another member. She seemed angry for some reason. “Oh. Hi, there.”

“Her favorite?” She ignored your friendly greeting, too worked up at what she overheard Bonnie say. “She has no idea what kind of girl Honor is.” 

“You don't say. Uh, Tammy, right? The poet?” You asked, remembering her name from the horrible poem verse you were able to avoid. She nodded her head. You looked around to see where Sam was, hoping you might be able to sneak away, only it seemed he had your luck when he was cornered by Bonnie after she squashed whatever pulled her away. You withheld the urge to sigh and turned your attention back to her. “Tammy, why don't don't you tell me what kind of girl Honor is?”

That was the wrong thing to ask. She went on a rampage of what kind of person Honor was. You tried your hardest to sound interested as you nodded your head every once in a while, trying to be polite. This wasn’t the kind of stuff you cared for. Or would help the case. “And I bake real cookies for the bake sale. Honor just brings Oreos!” She went on, making you pretend to be shocked. “I mean, she’s not as innocent as everyone thinks she is.” 

“What do you mean by that?” You asked her, your tone shifting into a more serious one.

“All I’m saying is that she’s going to hell.” Tammy said. “And you would be too if you didn’t confess those things and come here to repurify yourself. I bet you feel so much better.”

“For sure. I mean, I already been to hell twice. Not fun.” You said. You let out a breath of relief when Dean waved his arm up in the air, catching your attention. His face scrunching up in confusion as to why you were still talking to Tammy. “Could you excuse me? My boyfriend needs me.”

“Is that supposed to be like some kind of metaphor…?” Tammy’s expression dropped at hearing what you just said, making her confused. “Oh! Nice talking to you!” 

You politely smiled before turning around and finally headed over to Dean and Suzy, wondering what kind of trouble he was getting himself into during your short time away. You doubt he made a good impression on the woman. But it seemed she wasn’t as quick to judge one from the way she was casually speaking to him, no spouts of words about the damnation he was going to face after death. She seemed the most approachable out of anyone here. Maybe that’s why she was in charge of running the group here. You politely squeezed yourself into the conversation when Suzy spotted you lingering before she smiled, welcoming you right in.

“I hope he’s not bothering you too much.” You playfully joked with the woman. “Dean tends to get a bit excited about these kinds of things. If there’s anything he loves more than me it’s God.” 

“Suzy and I were just talking. I swear I’ve seen her face before. I just can’t put my finger on it.” Dean said. “But we were also discussing the fact that she does private counseling.”

“Really? So everyone in the group dishes to you?” You asked curiously.

“They confide. Abstinence is really rough without support and education. It’s a wonderful thing the both of you decided to go on this journey together.” Suzy said, smiling in a kind of way that was admirable for the clear love you and Dean had for each other. And yet you could see there was almost a sadness behind it, almost envious. “Hey, you know what? I have some great books on the vow that really helped me. I live close. I'll just go grab them.”

“No, that’s okay—“ Dean tried to protest the idea of making Suzy go through all the trouble, wanting more to get back to the motel. You quickly cut him off, making his grip around your waist tighten ever so much. 

“With a kidnapper on the loose? We can go with you.” You suggested. Out of anyone, Suzy seemed like a sweet woman who wasn’t going to bombard you with guilt over your past behavior. Maybe if you got her alone she might be able to tell you something about Honor and the other missing couple. “Let Dean and I walk you home.”

“No, I'll be fine.” Suzy reassured you. 

“Please. It’s the least we could do. Just to be safe.” You told her. When you saw the woman let out a breath, almost as if she was a bit relieved, you smiled. “Just let us pop over to Sam and we’ll be right back.”

Dean dropped his friendly face when he stepped away from Suzy after unwillingly being dragged around town when he wanted nothing more than to go back to the motel with you. You decided to put your efforts on something more important when you had the opportunity than jump into bed the first chance you got. You lost your virginity late in life, you could wait a little while to lose it again. You made your way over to Sam after he wrapped up a conversation with Tammy after he was cornered by the young woman. It seemed she had the same effect on the man from the expression that lingered on his face after she left. 

“Hey, we’re gonna walk Suzy home. See if she might know anything else about the vics.” You told the younger man. “Can you stick around here and possibly talk to the rest of the group? See if you might be able to get anything else out?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sam didn’t seem to buy what you were saying, presuming it was a cheap cover to get out of here and back to the motel. “You know, I’m actually trying to work here. I don’t think it’s fair you two are trying to sneak off.”

“Come on, look. You know if Dean was single he’d be all over Suzy trying to do more than just bring her home.” You said. Sam shrugged at the thought, nodding in agreement. “We’re focused as much as you are on the case. No one’s jumping into bed just yet. We're gonna take Suzy home and see if she might know anything else about the people who went missing." 

Sam agreed with the plan from how it sounded coming from you. He waited a few seconds before he nodded his head, letting you and his brother head out with Suzy back to her apartment. Right as Sam turned around to see who else he might be able to speak to, he jumped slightly in surprise at seeing Tammy standing there, a little too wide of a smile on her face when she caught him alone. He managed to hide the sigh that wanted to come out behind a forced smile. He hoped all of this was going to be worth it in the end. 

+ + +

The walk to Suzy’s apartment wasn’t too far from the church like she said, the time it took to get there was filled with mindless chatter about what she thought of the town and church. She had nothing but positive things to say since moving here a few months ago herself. You continued on with the fake lie about yourself to keep the conversation going, telling her how you and Dean were planning on getting hitched and how this town was a fresh start for you and the boys. The three of you were a close family after your parents passed away, the only part of your story that was true.

Right away she got to work finding those books she mentioned back at the church. You decided to shrug off your jacket, not sure how long you were going to be here, and decided to look around yourself at how she decorated her place. Suzy mentioned there were quite a few books around here specifically for couples. Your offer to help when asked was granted when she mentioned there were some in a cabinet you were standing next to. You opened up the small door and crouched down to see what she had here. You skimmed her vast collection of books out of partial curiosity to see what an abstinence consular enjoyed to read. When you found what you needed, you cradled them in your arms and got back up, only to discover you felt a strange lingering stare on you. You turned around and spotted Dean’s eyes where they shouldn’t be. 

You shot him a warning glare to behave before Suzy caught you. Dean’s smirk when he was caught by you was wiped off his face when you a little too roughly plopped the books down to his hands, Suzy followed suit a few moments later with several more of her own. He muffed a grunt from the several self help books he was forced to carry. You smiled in appreciation and slapped the pile with a little too much force, making him almost lose balance on the books. He struggled to catch them before they could tumble to the ground. 

“Thanks, honey.” You cooed. “You’re so strong.”

“Okay. So,” Suzy seemed content at the eight books Dean was currently holding, hoping it would be enough reading material to get started with. “why don't you guys breeze through these, and I'm gonna head to the little girls' room.”

Suzy excused herself before disappearing to another part of her apartment, leaving you and Dean alone in her living room. Dean wasted no time ditching the books somewhere else as you casually looked around the place, all though you weren't sure yet of what you were looking for. It appeared to be like any other bachelorette home. You wandered around the place, glancing over at framed pictures of her life and examining little knick-knacks decorated around the place. Right as you were about to pick up a snowglobe, your cell phone started ringing, distracting you from your search. You looked at the screen to see that it was Sam, probably to check up on you and Dean. You went to answer the call when you spotted a half-open drawer that caught your attention. You let it ring a few more times before you finally answered it, all while opening the drawer just enough to see what was inside, wondering if it was some sort of junk drawer. Only it was much more. 

You pulled out a few DVDs that weren't blockbuster movies from the cover. More dirty films from the familiar titles you heard of. You let out a quiet chuckle from the discovery you made. Apparently Miss Abstinence was a former adult star. That's why Dean knew who she was. She had a pretty active role in Casa Erotica, her movie was so good you knew the man kept a downloaded file on his computer. A secret porn stash he thought you knew nothing about. You quickly tucked them back away when an idea popped into your head. 

You almost forgot about the call with Sam when you heard his voice from the other line call out your name in a slightly annoyed tone from your delayed response. You closed the drawer with your hip and turned around in your spot so you could casually lean against the dresser. Dean tossed you a confused look from the way you were acting as you finally answered his brother's insensent attempts of getting your attention before he could think the worse. 

You half-listened to what he was saying about the case, something about how this wasn't the work of a dragon, but all you could focus on was the sound of Suzy opening up the bathroom door. You told Sam you'd call him back before ending the call. As Suzy stepped back into the living room, you realized the promise you made to Sam was about to be broken. It could've waited until after the hunt was over, but you figured you waited around long enough for your first time.

“I gotta go.” You said, making sure your tone of voice sounded disappointed at how you were skipping out so soon on her. Suzy seemed worried from the way you were acting from the short time she was away. “Oh, it’s nothing. Sam’s just having a bit of trouble. You know men. Always something.” 

“Are you sure? It sounds serious.” Dean tried to get himself out of here before he could be pulled into the virtues of why keeping his virginity until marriage was for him. “Maybe we both should make sure he’s all right.” 

“That’s okay, honey. He just needs me to pop by the store and pick up some stuff.” You said. The look on Dean’s face was easy to tell he wasn’t buying your lie, despite how it was going to be all for him. He’d find out soon enough. “Thank you for everything, Suzy. I’ll see you at the next meeting.” 

Suzy seemed a bit upset at seeing you go so soon before she could properly go through some helpful techniques that you probably could've used. Dean tossed you daggers from leaving him here to spend God knows how long entertaining the consular. You gave him an adoring smile and waved goodbye to your boyfriend, figuring he would be thanking you for leaving him here after the surprise you had planned for him after he got back to the motel. 

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[problematic-president]

The spirit of jacobinism, if not entirely a new spirit, has at least been cloathed with a more gigantic body and armed with more powerful weapons than it ever before possessed. It is perhaps not too much to say, that it threatens more extensive and complicated mischiefs to the world than have hitherto flowed from the three great scourges of mankind, War, Pestilence and Famine. To what point it will ultimately lead society, it is impossible for human foresight to pronounce; but there is just ground to apprehend that its progress may be marked with calamities of which the dreadful incidents of the French revolution afford a very faint image. Incessantly busied in undermining all the props of public security and private happiness, it seems to threaten the political and moral world with a complete overthrow.

A principal engine, by which this spirit endeavours to accomplish its purposes is that of calumny. It is essential to its success that the influence of men of upright principles, disposed and able to resist its enterprises, shall be at all events destroyed. Not content with traducing their best efforts for the public good, with misrepresenting their purest motives, with inferring criminality from actions innocent or laudable, the most direct falshoods are invented and propagated, with undaunted effrontery and unrelenting perseverance. Lies often detected and refuted are still revived and repeated, in the hope that the refutation may have been forgotten or that the frequency and boldness of accusation may supply the place of truth and proof. The most profligate men are encouraged, probably bribed, certainly with patronage if not with money, to become informers and accusers. And when tales, which their characters alone ought to discredit, are refuted by evidence and facts which oblige the patrons of them to abandon their support, they still continue in corroding whispers to wear away the reputations which they could not directly subvert. If, luckily for the conspirators against honest fame, any little foible or folly can be traced out in one, whom they desire to persecute, it becomes at once in their hands a two-edged sword, by which to wound the public character and stab the private felicity of the person. With such men, nothing is sacred. Even the peace of an unoffending and amiable wife is a welcome repast to their insatiate fury against the husband.

In the gratification of this baleful spirit, we not only hear the jacobin news-papers continually ring with odious insinuations and charges against many of our most virtuous citizens; but, not satisfied with this, a measure new in this country has been lately adopted to give greater efficacy to the system of defamation—periodical pamphlets issue from the same presses, full freighted with misrepresentation and falshood, artfully calculated to hold up the opponents of the Faction to the jealousy and distrust of the present generation and if possible, to transmit their names with dishonor to posterity. Even the great and multiplied services, the tried and rarely equalled virtues of a Washington, can secure no exemption.

How then can I, with pretensions every way inferior expect to escape? And if truly this be, as every appearance indicates, a conspiracy of vice against virtue, ought I not rather to be flattered, that I have been so long and so peculiarly an object of persecution? Ought I to regret, if there be any thing about me, so formidable to the Faction as to have made me worthy to be distinguished by the plentytude of its rancour and venom?

It is certain that I have had a pretty copious experience of its malignity. For the honor of human nature, it is to be hoped that the examples are not numerous of men so greatly calumniated and persecuted, as I have been, with so little cause.

I dare appeal to my immediate fellow citizens of whatever political party for the truth of the assertion, that no man ever carried into public life a more unblemished pecuniary reputation, than that with which I undertook the office of Secretary of the Treasury; a character marked by an indifference to the acquisition of property rather than an avidity for it.

With such a character, however natural it was to expect criticism and opposition, as to the political principles which I might manifest or be supposed to entertain, as to the wisdom or expediency of the plans, which I might propose, or as to the skill, care or diligence with which the business of my department might be executed, it was not natural to expect nor did I expect that my fidelity or integrity in a pecuniary sense would ever be called in question.

But on his head a mortifying disappointment has been experienced. Without the slightest foundation, I have been repeatedly held up to the suspicions of the world as a man directed in his administration by the most sordid views; who did not scruple to sacrifice the public to his private interest, his duty and honor to the sinister accumulation of wealth.

Merely because I retained an opinion once common to me and the most influencial of those who opposed me, That the public debt ought to be provided for on the basis of the contract upon which it was created, I have been wickedly accused with wantonly increasing the public burthen many millions, in order to promote a stockjobbing interest of myself and friends.

Merely because a member of the House of Representatives entertained a different idea from me, as to the legal effect of appropriation laws, and did not understand accounts, I was exposed to the imputation of having committed a deliberate and criminal violation of the laws and to the suspicion of being a defaulter for millions; so as to have been driven to the painful necessity of calling for a formal and solemn inquiry.

The inquiry took place. It was conducted by a committee of fifteen members of the House of Representatives—a majority of them either my decided political enemies or inclined against me, some of them the most active and intelligent of my opponents, without a single man, who being known to be friendly to me, possessed also such knowledge and experience of public affairs as would enable him to counteract injurious intrigues. Mr. Giles of Virginia who had commenced the attack was of the committee.10

The officers and books of the treasury were examined. The transactions between the several banks and the treasury were scrutinized. Even my private accounts with those institutions were laid open to the committee; and every possible facility given to the inquiry. The result was a complete demonstration that the suspicions which had been entertained were groundless.

Those which had taken the fastest hold were, that the public monies had been made subservient to loans, discounts and accommodations to myself and friends. The committee in reference to this point reported thus: “It appears from the affidavits of the Cashier and several officers of the bank of the United States and several of the directors, the Cashier, and other officers of the bank of NewYork, that the Secretary of the Treasury never has either directly or indirectly, for himself or any other person, procured any discount or credit from either of the said banks upon the basis of any public monies which at any time have been deposited therein under his direction: And the committee are satisfied, that no monies of the United States, whether before or after they have passed to the credit of the Treasurer have ever been directly or indirectly used for or applied to any purposes but those of the government, except so far as all monies deposited in a bank are concerned in the general operations thereof.”11

The report, which I have always understood was unanimous, contains in other respects, with considerable detail the materials of a complete exculpation. My enemies, finding no handle for their malice, abandoned the pursuit.

Yet unwilling to leave any ambiguity upon the point, when I determined to resign my office, I gave early previous notice of it to the House of Representatives, for the declared purpose of affording an opportunity for legislative crimination, if any ground for it had been discovered.12 Not the least step towards it was taken. From which I have a right to infer the universal conviction of the House, that no cause existed, and to consider the result as a complete vindication.

On another occasion, a worthless man of the name of Fraunces found encouragement to bring forward to the House of Representatives a formal charge against me of unfaithful conduct in office.13 A Committee of the House was appointed to inquire, consisting in this case also, partly of some of my most intelligent and active enemies. The issue was an unanimous exculpation of me as will appear by the following extract from the Journals of the House of Representatives of the 19th of February 1794.

“The House resumed the consideration of the report of the Committee, to whom was referred the memorial of Andrew G. Fraunces: whereupon,

“Resolved, That the reasons assigned by the secretary of the treasury, for refusing payment of the warrants referred to in the memorial, are fully sufficient to justify his conduct; and that in the whole course of this transaction, the secretary and other officers of the treasury, have acted a meritorious part towards the public.”

“Resolved, That the charge exhibited in the memorial, against the secretary of the treasury, relative to the purchase of the pension of Baron de Glaubeck is wholly illiberal and groundless*.”14

Was it not to have been expected that these repeated demonstrations of the injustice of the accusations hazarded against me would have abashed the enterprise of my calumniators? However natural such an expectation may seem, it would betray an ignorance of the true character of the Jacobin system. It is a maxim deeply ingrafted in that dark system, that no character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false. It is well understood by its disciples, that every calumny makes some proselites and even retains some; since justification seldom circulates as rapidly and as widely as slander. The number of those who from doubt proceed to suspicion and thence to belief of imputed guilt is continually augmenting; and the public mind fatigued at length with resistance to the calumnies which eternally assail it, is apt in the end to sit down with the opinion that a person so often accused cannot be entirely innocent.

Relying upon this weakness of human nature, the Jacobin Scandal-Club though often defeated constantly return to the charge. Old calumnies are served up a-fresh and every pretext is seized to add to the catalogue. The person whom they seek to blacken, by dint of repeated strokes of their brush, becomes a demon in their own eyes, though he might be pure and bright as an angel but for the daubing of those wizard painters.

Of all the vile attempts which have been made to injure my character that which has been lately revived in No. V and VI, of the history of the United States for 1796 is the most vile.15 This it will be impossible for any intelligent, I will not say candid, man to doubt, when he shall have accompanied me through the examination.

I owe perhaps to my friends an apology for condescending to give a public explanation. A just pride with reluctance stoops to a formal vindication against so despicable a contrivance and is inclined rather to oppose to it the uniform evidence of an upright character. This would be my conduct on the present occasion, did not the tale seem to derive a sanction from the names of three men16 of some weight and consequence in the society: a circumstance, which I trust will excuse me for paying attention to a slander that without this prop, would defeat itself by intrinsic circumstances of absurdity and malice.

The charge against me is a connection with one James Reynolds for purposes of improper pecuniary speculation. My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife, for a considerable time with his privity and connivance, if not originally brought on by a combination between the husband and wife with the design to extort money from me.

This confession is not made without a blush. I cannot be the apologist of any vice because the ardour of passion may have made it mine. I can never cease to condemn myself for the pang, which it may inflict in a bosom eminently intitled to all my gratitude, fidelity and love. But that bosom will approve, that even at so great an expence, I should effectually wipe away a more serious stain from a name, which it cherishes with no less elevation than tenderness. The public too will I trust excuse the confession. The necessity of it to my defence against a more heinous charge could alone have extorted from me so painful an indecorum.

Before I proceed to an exhibition of the positive proof which repels the charge, I shall analize the documents from which it is deduced, and I am mistaken if with discerning and candid minds more would be necessary. But I desire to obviate the suspicions of the most suspicious.

The first reflection which occurs on a perusal of the documents is that it is morally impossible I should have been foolish as well as depraved enough to employ so vile an instrument as Reynolds for such insignificant ends, as are indicated by different parts of the story itself. My enemies to be sure have kindly pourtrayed me as another Chartres17 on the score of moral principle. But they have been ever bountiful in ascribing to me talents. It has suited their purpose to exaggerate such as I may possess, and to attribute to them an influence to which they are not intitled. But the present accusation imputes to me as much folly as wickedness. All the documents shew, and it is otherwise matter of notoriety, that Reynolds was an obscure, unimportant and profligate man. Nothing could be more weak, because nothing could be more unsafe than to make use of such an instrument; to use him too without any intermediate agent more worthy of confidence who might keep me out of sight, to write him numerous letters recording the objects of the improper connection (for this is pretended and that the letters were afterwards burnt at my request) to unbosom myself to him with a prodigality of confidence, by very unnecessarily telling him, as he alleges, of a connection in speculation between myself and Mr. Duer.18 It is very extraordinary, if the head of the money department of a country, being unprincipled enough to sacrifice his trust and his integrity, could not have contrived objects of profit sufficiently large to have engaged the co-operation of men of far greater importance than Reynolds, and with whom there could have been due safety, and should have been driven to the necessity of unkennelling such a reptile to be the instrument of his cupidity.

But, moreover, the scale of the concern with Reynolds, such as it is presented, is contemptibly narrow for a rapacious speculating secretary of the treasury. Clingman, Reynolds and his wife were manifestly in very close confidence with each other. It seems there was a free communication of secrets. Yet in clubbing their different items of information as to the supplies of money which Reynolds received from me, what do they amount to? Clingman states, that Mrs. Reynolds told him, that at a certain time her husband had received from me upwards of eleven hundred dollars.19 A note is produced which shews that at one time fifty dollars were sent to him,20 and another note is produced, by which and the information of Reynolds himself through Clingman, it appears that at another time 300 dollars were asked21 and refused. Another sum of 200 dollars is spoken of by Clingman as having been furnished to Reynolds at some other time.22 What a scale of speculation is this for the head of a public treasury, for one who in the very publication that brings forward the charge is represented as having procured to be funded at forty millions a debt which ought to have been discharged at ten or fifteen millions for the criminal purpose of enriching himself and his friends? He must have been a clumsy knave, if he did not secure enough of this excess of twenty five or thirty millions, to have taken away all inducement to risk his character in such bad hands and in so huckstering a way—or to have enabled him, if he did employ such an agent, to do it with more means and to better purpose. It is curious, that this rapacious secretary should at one time have furnished his speculating agent with the paltry sum of fifty dollars, at another, have refused him the inconsiderable sum of 300 dollars, declaring upon his honor that it was not in his power to furnish it. This declaration was true or not; if the last the refusal ill comports with the idea of a speculating connection—if the first, it is very singular that the head of the treasury engaged without scruple in schemes of profit should have been destitute of so small a sum. But if we suppose this officer to be living upon an inadequate salary, without any collateral pursuits of gain, the appearances then are simple and intelligible enough, applying to them the true key.

It appears that Reynolds and Clingman were detected by the then comptroller of the treasury,23 in the odious crime of suborning a witness to commit perjury, for the purpose of obtaining letters of administration on the estate of a person who was living in order to receive a small sum of money due to him from the treasury.24 It is certainly extraordinary that the confidential agent of the head of that department should have been in circumstances to induce a resort to so miserable an expedient. It is odd, if there was a speculating connection, that it was not more profitable both to the secretary and to his agent than are indicated by the circumstances disclosed.

It is also a remarkable and very instructive fact, that notwithstanding the great confidence and intimacy, which subsisted between Clingman, Reynolds and his wife, and which continued till after the period of the liberation of the two former from the prosecution against them, neither of them has ever specified the objects of the pretended connection in speculation between Reynolds and me. The pretext that the letters which contained the evidence were destroyed is no answer. They could not have been forgotten and might have been disclosed from memory. The total omission of this could only have proceeded from the consideration that detail might have led to detection. The destruction of letters besides is a fiction, which is refuted not only by the general improbability, that I should put myself upon paper with so despicable a person on a subject which might expose me to infamy, but by the evidence of extreme caution on my part in this particular, resulting from the laconic and disguised form of the notes which are produced. They prove incontestibly that there was an unwillingness to trust Reynolds with my hand writing. The true reason was, that I apprehended he might make use of it to impress upon others the belief of some pecuniary connection with me, and besides implicating my character might render it the engine of a false credit, or turn it to some other sinister use. Hence the disguise; for my conduct in admitting at once and without hesitation that the notes were from me proves that it was never my intention by the expedient of disguising my hand to shelter myself from any serious inquiry.

The accusation against me was never heard of ’till Clingman and Reynolds were under prosecution by the treasury for an infamous crime. It will be seen by the document No. 1 (a) that during the endeavours of Clingman to obtain relief, through the interposition of Mr. Mughlenberg, he made to the latter the communication of my pretended criminality. It will be further seen by document No. 2 [(a)] that Reynolds had while in prison conveyed to the ears of Messrs. Monroe and Venable that he could give intelligence of my being concerned in speculation, and that he also supposed that he was kept in prison by a design on my part to oppress him and drive him away. And by his letter to Clingman of the 13 of December, after he was released from prison, it also appears that he was actuated by a spirit of revenge against me; for he declares that he will have satisfaction from me at all events; adding, as addressed to Clingman, “And you only I trust.”25

Three important inferences flow from these circumstances—one that the accusation against me was an auxiliary to the efforts of Clingman and Reynolds to get released from a disgraceful prosecution—another that there was a vindicative spirit against me at least on the part of Reynolds—the third, that he confided in Clingman as a coadjutor in the plan of vengeance. These circumstances, according to every estimate of the credit due to accusers, ought to destroy their testimony. To what credit are persons intitled, who in telling a story are governed by the double motive of escaping from disgrace and punishment and of gratifying revenge? As to Mrs. Reynolds, if she was not an accomplice, as it is too probable she was, her situation would naturally subject her to the will of her husband. But enough besides will appear in the sequel to shew that her testimony merits no attention.

The letter which has been just cited deserves a more particular attention. As it was produced by Clingman, there is a chasm of three lines, which lines are manifestly essential to explain the sense. It may be inferred from the context, that these deficient lines would unfold the cause of the resentment which is expressed. ‘Twas from them that might have been learnt the true nature of the transaction. The expunging of them is a violent presumption that they would have contradicted the purpose for which the letter was produced. A witness offering such a mutilated piece descredits himself. The mutilation is alone satisfactory proof of contrivance and imposition. The manner of accounting for it is frivolous.

The words of the letter are strong—satisfaction is to be had at all events, per fas et nefas, and Clingman is the chosen confidential agent of the laudable plan of vengeance. It must be confessed he was not wanting in his part.

Reynolds, as will be seen by No. II (a) alleges that a merchant came to him and offered as a volunteer to be his bail, who he suspected had been instigated to it by me, and after being decoyed to the place the merchant wished to carry him to, he refused being his bail, unless he would deposit a sum of money to some considerable amount which he could not do and was in consequence committed to prison. Clingman (No. IV a) tells the same story in substance though with some difference in form leaving to be implied what Reynolds expresses and naming Henry Seckel as the merchant. The deposition of this respectable citizen (No. XXIII) gives the lie to both, and shews that he was in fact the agent of Clingman, from motives of good will to him, as his former book-keeper, that he never had any communication with me concerning either of them till after they were both in custody, that when he came as a messenger to me from one of them, I not only declined interposing in their behalf, but informed Mr. Seckel that they had been guilty of a crime and advised him to have nothing to do with them.

This single fact goes far to invalidate the whole story. It shews p[l]ainly the disregard of truth and the malice by which the parties were actuated. Other important inferences are to be drawn from the transaction. Had I been conscious that I had any thing to fear from Reynolds of the nature which has been pretended, should I have warned Mr. Seckel against having any thing to do with them? Should I not rather have encouraged him to have come to their assistance? Should I not have been eager to promote their liberation? But this is not the only instance, in which I acted a contrary part. Clingman testifies in No. V. that I would not permit Fraunces a clerk in my office to become their bail, but signified to him that if he did it, he must quit the department.26

Clingman states in No. IV. (a) that my note in answer to Reynolds’ application for a loan towards a subscription to the Lancaster Turnpike was in his possession from about the time it was written (June 1792.) This circumstance, apparently trivial, is very explanatory. To what end had Clingman the custody of this note all that time if it was not part of a project to lay the foundation for some false accusation?

It appears from No. V.27 that Fraunces had said, or was stated to have said, something to my prejudice. If my memory serves me aright, it was that he had been my agent in some speculations. When Fraunces was interrogated concerning it, he absolutely denied that he had said any thing of the kind. The charge which this same Fraunces afterwards preferred against me to the House of Representatives, and the fate of it, have been already mentioned. It is illustrative of the nature of the combination which was formed against me.

There are other features in the documents which are relied upon to constitute the charge against me, that are of a nature to corroborate the inference to be drawn from the particulars which have been noticed. But there is no need to be over minute. I am much mistaken if the view which has been taken of the subject is not sufficient, without any thing further, to establish my innocence with every discerning and fair mind.

I proceed in the next place to offer a frank and plain solution of the enigma, by giving a history of the origin and progress of my connection with Mrs. Reynolds, of its discovery, real and pretended by the husband, and of the disagreeable embarrassments to which it exposed me. This history will be supported by the letters of Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds, which leave no room for doubt of the principal facts, and at the same time explain with precision the objects of the little notes from me which have been published, shewing clearly that such of them as have related to money had no reference to any concern in speculation. As the situation which will be disclosed, will fully explain every ambiguous appearance, and meet satisfactorily the written documents, nothing more can be requisite to my justification. For frail indeed will be the tenure by which the most blameless man will hold his reputation, if the assertions of three of the most abandoned characters in the community, two of them stigmatized by the discrediting crime which has been mentioned, are sufficient to blast it. The business of accusation would soon become in such a case, a regular trade, and men’s reputations would be bought and sold like any marketable commodity.

Some time in the summer of the year 1791 a woman called at my house in the city of Philadelphia28 and asked to speak with me in private. I attended her into a room apart from the family. With a seeming air of affliction she informed that she was a daughter of a Mr. Lewis, sister to a Mr. G. Livingston of the State of New-York, and wife to a Mr. Reynolds whose father was in the Commissary Department during the war with Great Britain, that her husband, who for a long time had treated her very cruelly, had lately left her, to live with another woman, and in so destitute a condition, that though desirous of returning to her friends she had not the means—that knowing I was a citizen of New-York, she had taken the liberty to apply to my humanity for assistance.

I replied, that her situation was a very interesting one—that I was disposed to afford her assistance to convey her to her friends, but this at the moment not being convenient to me (which was the fact) I must request the place of her residence, to which I should bring or send a small supply of money. She told me the street and the number of the house where she lodged. In the evening I put a bank-bill in my pocket and went to the house.29 I inquired for Mrs. Reynolds and was shewn up stairs, at the head of which she met me and conducted me into a bed room. I took the bill out of my pocket and gave it to her. Some conversation ensued from which it was quickly apparent that other than pecuniary consolation would be acceptable.

After this, I had frequent meetings with her, most of them at my own house; Mrs. Hamilton with her children being absent on a visit to her father.30 In the course of a short time, she mentioned to me that her husband had solicited a reconciliation, and affected to consult me about it. I advised to it, and was soon after informed by her that it had taken place. She told me besides that her husband had been engaged in speculation, and she believed could give information respecting the conduct of some persons in the department which would be useful. I sent for Reynolds who came to me accordingly.

In the course of our interview, he confessed that he had obtained a list of claims from a person in my department which he had made use of in his speculations. I invited him, by the expectation of my friendship and good offices, to disclose the person. After some affectation of scruple, he pretended to yield, and ascribed the infidelity to Mr. Duer from whom he said he had obtained the list in New-York, while he (Duer) was in the department.

As Mr. Duer had resigned his office some time before the seat of government was removed to Philadelphia; this discovery, if it had been true, was not very important—yet it was the interest of my passions to appear to set value upon it, and to continue the expectation of friendship and good offices. Mr. Reynolds told me he was going to Virginia, and on his return would point out something in which I could serve him. I do not know but he said something about employment in a public office.

On his return he asked employment as a clerk in the treasury department. The knowledge I had acquired of him was decisive against such a request. I parried it by telling him, what was true, that there was no vacancy in my immediate office, and that the appointment of clerks in the other branches of the department was left to the chiefs of the respective branches. Reynolds alleged, as Clingman relates No. IV (a) as a topic of complaint against me that I had promised him employment and had disappointed him. The situation with the wife would naturally incline me to conciliate this man. It is possible I may have used vague expressions which raised expectation; but the more I learned of the person, the more inadmissible his employment in a public office became. Some material reflections will occur here to a discerning mind. Could I have preferred my private gratification to the public interest, should I not have found the employment he desired for a man, whom it was so convenient to me, on my own statement, to lay under obligations. Had I had any such connection with him, as he has since pretended, is it likely that he would have wanted other employment? Or is it likely that wanting it, I should have hazarded his resentment by a persevering refusal? This little circumstance shews at once the delicacy of my conduct, in its public relations, and the impossibility of my having had the connection pretended with Reynolds.

The intercourse with Mrs. Reynolds, in the mean time, continued; and, though various reflections, (in which a further knowledge of Reynolds’ character and the suspicion of some concert between the husband and wife bore a part) induced me to wish a cessation of it; yet her conduct, made it extremely difficult to disentangle myself. All the appearances of violent attachment, and of agonizing distress at the idea of a relinquishment, were played off with a most imposing art. This, though it did not make me entirely the dupe of the plot, yet kept me in a state of irresolution. My sensibility, perhaps my vanity, admitted the possibility of a real fondness; and led me to adopt the plan of a gradual discontinuance rather than of a sudden interruption, as least calculated to give pain, if a real partiality existed.

Mrs. Reynolds, on the other hand, employed every effort to keep up my attention and visits. Her pen was freely employed, and her letters were filled with those tender and pathetic effusions which would have been natural to a woman truly fond and neglected.

One day, I received a letter from her, which is in the appendix (No. I. b) intimating a discovery by her husband. It was matter of doubt with me whether there had been really a discovery by accident, or whether the time for the catastrophe of the plot was arrived.

The same day, being the 15th of December 1791, I received from Mr. Reynolds the letter (No. II. b) by which he informs me of the detection of his wife in the act of writing a letter to me, and that he had obtained from her a discovery of her connection with me, suggesting that it was the consequence of an undue advantage taken of her distress.

In answer to this I sent him a note, or message desiring him to call upon me at my office, which I think he did the same day.31

He in substance repeated the topics contained in his letter, and concluded as he had done there, that he was resolved to have satisfaction.

I replied that he knew best what evidence he had of the alleged connection between me and his wife, that I neither admitted nor denied it—that if he knew of any injury I had done him, intitling him to satisfaction, it lay with him to name it.

He travelled over the same ground as before, and again concluded with the same vague claim of satisfaction, but without specifying the kind, which would content him. It was easy to understand that he wanted money, and to prevent an explosion, I resolved to gratify him. But willing to manage his delicacy, if he had any, I reminded him that I had at our first interview made him a promise of service, that I was disposed to do it as far as might be proper, and in my power, and requested him to consider in what manner I could do it, and to write to me. He withdrew with a promise of compliance.

Two days after, the 17th of December, he wrote me the letter (No. III. b). The evident drift of this letter is to exaggerate the injury done by me, to make a display of sensibility and to magnify the atonement, which was to be required. It however comes to no conclusion, but proposes a meeting at the George Tavern, or at some other place more agreeable to me, which I should name.

On receipt of this letter, I called upon Reynolds, and assuming a decisive tone, told him, that I was tired of his indecision, and insisted upon his declaring to me explicitly what it was he aimed at. He again promised to explain by letter.

On the 19th, I received the promised letter (No. IV. b) the essence of which is that he was willing to take a thousand dollars as the plaister of his wounded honor.

I determined to give it to him, and did so in two payments, as per receipts (No. V and VI) dated the 22d of December and 3d of January. It is a little remarkable, that an avaricious speculating secretary of the treasury should have been so straitened for money as to be obliged to satisfy an engagement of this sort by two different payments!

On the 17th of January, I received the letter No. V.32 by which Reynolds invites me to renew my visits to his wife. He had before requested that I would see her no more. The motive to this step appears in the conclusion of the letter, “I rely upon your befriending me, if there should any thing offer that should be to my advantage, as you express a wish to befriend me.” Is the pre-existence of a speculating connection reconcileable with this mode of expression?

If I recollect rightly, I did not immediately accept the invitation, nor ’till after I had received several very importunate letters from Mrs. Reynolds—See her letters No. VIII, (b) IX, X.

On the 24th of March following, I received a letter from Reynolds, No. XI, and on the same day one from his wife, No. XII. These letters will further illustrate the obliging co-operation of the husband with his wife to aliment and keep alive my connection with her.

The letters from Reynolds, No. XIII to XVI, are an additional comment upon the same plan. It was a persevering scheme to spare no pains to levy contributions upon my passions on the one hand, and upon my apprehensions of discovery on the other. It is probably to No. XIV that my note, in these words, was an answer; “To-morrow what is requested will be done. ’Twill hardly be possible to-day.”33 The letter presses for the loan which is asked for to-day. A scarcity of cash, which was not very uncommon, is believed to have modelled the reply.

The letter No. XVII is a master-piece. The husband there forbids my future visits to his wife, chiefly because I was careful to avoid publicity. It was probably necessary to the project of some deeper treason against me that I should be seen at the house. Hence was it contrived, with all the caution on my part to avoid it, that Clingman should occasionally see me.

The interdiction was every way welcome, and was I believe, strictly observed. On the second of June following, I received the letter No. XVIII, from Mrs. Reynolds, which proves that it was not her plan yet to let me off. It was probably the prelude to the letter from Reynolds, No. XIX, soliciting a loan of 300 dollars towards a subscription to the Lancaster Turnpike. Clingman’s statement, No. IV [(a)], admits, on the information of Reynolds, that to this letter the following note from me was an answer—“It is utterly out of my power I assure you ’pon my honour to comply with your request. Your note is returned.” The letter itself demonstrates, that here was no concern in speculation on my part—that the money is asked as a favour and as a loan, to be reimbursed simply and without profit in less than a fortnight. My answer shews that even the loan was refused.

The letter No. XX, from Reynolds, explains the object of my note in these words, “Inclosed are 50 dollars, they could not be sent sooner,”34 proving that this sum also was begged for in a very apologetic stile as a mere loan.

The letters of the 24th and 30th of August, No. XXI and XXII, furnish the key to the affair of the 200 dollars mentioned by Clingman in No. IV, shewing that this sum likewise was asked by way of loan, towards furnishing a small boarding-house which Reynolds and his wife were or pretended to be about to set up.

These letters collectively, furnish a complete elucidation of the nature of my transactions with Reynolds. They resolve them into an amorous connection with his wife, detected, or pretended to be detected by the husband, imposing on me the necessity of a pecuniary composition with him, and leaving me afterwards under a duress for fear of disclosure, which was the instrument of levying upon me from time to time forced loans. They apply directly to this state of things, the notes which Reynolds was so careful to preserve, and which had been employed to excite suspicion.

Four, and the principal of these notes have been not only generally, but particularly explained—I shall briefly notice the remaining two.

“My dear Sir, I expected to have heard the day after I had the pleasure of seeing you.” This fragment, if truly part of a letter to Reynolds, denotes nothing more than a disposition to be civil to a man, whom, as I said before, it was the interest of my passions to conciliate. But I verily believe it was not part of a letter to him, because I do not believe that I ever addressed him in such a stile. It may very well have been part of a letter to some other person, procured by means of which I am ignorant, or it may have been the beginning of an intended letter, torn off, thrown into the chimney in my office, which was a common practice, and there or after it had been swept out picked up by Reynolds or some coadjutor of his. There appears to have been more than one clerk in the department some how connected with him.

The endeavour shewn by the letter No. XVII, to induce me to render my visits to Mrs. Reynolds more public, and the great care with which my little notes were preserved, justify the belief that at a period, before it was attempted, the idea of implicating me in some accusation, with a view to the advantage of the accusers, was entertained. Hence the motive to pick up and preserve any fragment which might favour the idea of friendly or confidential correspondence.

2dly. “The person Mr. Reynolds inquired for on Friday waited for him all the evening at his house from a little after seven. Mr. R. may see him at any time to-day or to-morrow between the hours of two and three.”

Mrs. Reynolds more than once communicated to me, that Reynolds would occasionally relapse into discontent to his situation—would treat her very ill—hint at the assassination of me—and more openly threaten, by way of revenge, to inform Mrs. Hamilton—all this naturally gave some uneasiness. I could not be absolutely certain whether it was artifice or reality. In the workings of human inconsistency, it was very possible, that the same man might be corrupt enough to compound for his wife’s chastity and yet have sensibility enough to be restless in the situation and to hate the cause of it.

Reflections like these induced me for some time to use palliatives with the ill humours which were announced to me. Reynolds had called upon me in one of these discontented moods real or pretended. I was unwilling to provoke him by the appearance of neglect—and having failed to be at home at the hour he had been permitted to call, I wrote her the above note to obviate an ill impression.

The foregoing narrative and the remarks accompanying it have prepared the way for a perusal of the letters themselves. The more attention is used in this, the more entire will be the satisfaction which they will afford.

It has been seen that an explanation on the subject was had cotemporarily that is in December 1792, with three members of Congress—F. A. Muhlenberg, J. Monroe, and A. Venable. It is proper that the circumstances of this transaction should be accurately understood.

The manner in which Mr. Muhlenberg became engaged in the affair is fully set forth in the document (No. I. a). It is not equally clear how the two other gentlemen came to embark in it. The phraseology, in reference to this point in the close of (No. I. [(a)]) and beginning of (No. II. [(a)]) is rather equivocal. The gentlemen, if they please, can explain it.

But on the morning of the 15th of December 1792, the above mentioned gentlemen presented themselves at my office. Mr. Muhlenberg was then speaker. He introduced the subject by observing to me, that they had discovered a very improper connection between me and a Mr. Reynolds: extremely hurt by this mode of introduction, I arrested the progress of the discourse by giving way to very strong expressions of indignation. The gentlemen explained, telling me in substance that I had misapprehended them—that they did not intend to take the fact for established—that their meaning was to apprise me that unsought by them, information had been given them of an improper pecuniary connection between Mr. Reynolds and myself; that they had thought it their duty to pursue it and had become possessed of some documents of a suspicious complexion—that they had contemplated the laying the matter before the President, but before they did this, they thought it right to apprise me of the affair and to afford an opportunity of explanation; declaring at the same time that their agency in the matter was influenced solely by a sense of public duty and by no motive of personal ill will. If my memory be correct, the notes from me in a disguised hand were now shewn to me which without a moment’s hesitation I acknowledged to be mine.

I replied, that the affair was now put upon a different footing—that I always stood ready to meet fair inquiry with frank communication—that it happened, in the present instance, to be in my power by written documents to remove all doubt as to the real nature of the business, and fully to convince, that nothing of the kind imputed to me did in fact exist. The same evening at my house was by mutual consent appointed for an explanation.

I immediately after saw Mr. Wolcott, and for the first time informed him of the affair and of the interview just had; and delivering into his hands for perusal the documents of which I was possessed, I engaged him to be present at the intended explanation in the evening.

In the evening the proposed meeting took place, and Mr. Wolcott according to my request attended. The information, which had been received to that time, from Clingman, Reynolds and his wife was communicated to me and the notes were I think again exhibited.

I stated in explanation, the circumstances of my affair with Mrs. Reynolds and the consequences of it and in confirmation produced the documents (No. I. b, to XXII.) One or more of the gentlemen (Mr. Wolcott’s certificate No. XXIV, mentions one, Mr. Venable, but I think the same may be said of Mr. Muhlenberg) was struck with so much conviction, before I had gotten through the communication that they delicately urged me to discontinue it as unnecessary. I insisted upon going through the whole and did so. The result was a full and unequivocal acknowlegement on the part of the three gentlemen of perfect satisfaction with the explanation and expressions of regret at the trouble and embarrassment which had been occasioned to me. Mr. Muhlenberg and Mr. Venable, in particular manifested a degree of sensibility on the occasion. Mr. Monroe was more cold but intirely explicit.

One of the gentlemen, I think, expressed a hope that I also was satisfied with their conduct in conducting the inquiry. I answered, that they knew I had been hurt at the opening of the affair—that this excepted, I was satisfied with their conduct and considered myself as having been treated with candor or with fairness and liberality, I do not now pretend to recollect the exact terms. I took the next morning a memorandum of the substance of what was said to me, which will be seen by a copy of it transmitted in a letter to each of the gentlemen No. XXV.

I deny absolutely, as alleged by the editor of the publication in question, that I intreated a suspension of the communication to the President, or that from the beginning to the end of the inquiry, I asked any favour or indulgence whatever, and that I discovered any symptom different from that of a proud consciousness of innocence.35

Some days after the explanation I wrote to the three gentlemen the letter No. XXVI already published. That letter evinces the light in which I considered myself as standing in their view.

I received from Mr. Muhlenberg and Mr. Monroe in answer the letters No. XXVII and XXVIII.

Thus the affair remained ’till the pamphlets No. V and VI of the history of the U. States for 1796 appeared; with the exception of some dark whispers which were communicated to me by a friend in Virginia, and to which I replied by a statement of what had passed.36

When I saw No. V though it was evidence of a base infidelity somewhere, yet firmly believing that nothing more than a want of due care was chargeable upon either of the three gentlemen who had made the inquiry, I immediately wrote to each of them a letter of which No. XXV is a copy37 in full confidence that their answer would put the whole business at rest. I ventured to believe, from the appearances on their part at closing our former interview on the subject, that their answers would have been both cordial and explicit.

I acknowledge that I was astonished when I came to read in the pamphlet No. VI the conclusion of the document No. V, containing the equivocal phrase “We left him under an impression our suspicions were removed,”38 which seemed to imply that this had been a mere piece of management, and that the impression given me had not been reciprocal. The appearance of duplicity incensed me; but resolving to proceed with caution and moderation, I thought the first proper step was to inquire of the gentlemen whether the paper was genuine. A letter was written for this purpose the copy of which I have mislaid.39

I afterwards received from Messrs. Muhlenberg and Venable the letters No. XXIX, XXX, and XXXI.40

Receiving no answer from Mr. Monroe, and hearing of his arrival at New-York I called upon him.41 The issue of the interview was that an answer was to be given by him, in conjunction with Mr. Muhlenberg and Mr. Venable on his return to Philadelphia, he thinking that as the agency had been joint it was most proper the answer should be joint, and informing me that Mr. Venable had told him he would wait his return.

I came to Philadelphia accordingly to bring the affair to a close; but on my arrival I found Mr. Venable had left the city for Virginia.

Mr. Monroe reached Philadelphia according to his appointment. And the morning following wrote me the note No. XXXII. While this note was on its way to my lodgings I was on my way to his. I had a conversation with him from which we separated with a repetition of the assurance in the note. In the course of the interviews with Mr. Monroe, the equivoque in document No. V, (a) and the paper of January 2d, 1793, under his signature were noticed.42

I received the day following the letter No. XXXIII, to which I returned the answer No. XXXIV,—accompanied with the letter No. XXXV. which was succeeded by the letters No. XXXVI—XXXVII—XXXVIII—XXXIX—XL. In due time the sequel of the correspondence will appear.

Though extremely disagreeable to me, for very obvious reasons, I at length determined in order that no cloud whatever might be left on the affair, to publish the documents which had been communicated to Messrs. Monroe, Muhlenberg and Venable,43 all which will be seen in the appendix from No. I, (b) to No. XXII, inclusively.

The information from Clingman of the 2d January 1793, to which the signature of Mr. Monroe is annexed, seems to require an observation or two in addition to what is contained in my letter to him No. XXXIX.

Clingman first suggests that he had been apprized of my vindication through Mr. Wolcott a day or two after it had been communicated. It did not occur to me to inquire of Mr. Wolcott on this point, and he being now absent from Philadelphia,44 I cannot do it at this moment. Though I can have no doubt of the friendly intention of Mr. Wolcott, if the suggestion of Clingman in this particular be taken as true; yet from the condition of secrecy which was annexed to my communication, there is the strongest reason to conclude it is not true. If not true, there is besides but one of two solutions, either that he obtained the information from one of the three gentlemen who made the inquiry, which would have been a very dishonourable act in the party, or that he conjectured what my defence was from what he before knew it truly could be. For there is the highest probability, that through Reynolds and his wife, and as an accomplice, he was privy to the whole affair. This last method of accounting for his knowledge would be conclusive on the sincerity and genuineness of the defence.

But the turn which Clingman gives to the matter must necessarily fall to the ground. It is, that Mrs. Reynolds denied her amorous connection with me, and represented the suggestion of it as a mere contrivance between her husband and myself to cover me, alleging that there had been a fabrication of letters and receipts to countenance it. The plain answer is, that Mrs. Reynolds’ own letters contradict absolutely this artful explanation of hers; if indeed she ever made it, of which Clingman’s assertion is no evidence whatever. These letters are proved by the affidavit No. XLI, though it will easily be conceived that the proof of them was rendered no easy matter by a lapse of near five years. They shew explicitly the connection with her, the discovery of it by her husband and the pains she took to prolong it when I evidently wished to get rid of it. This cuts up, by the root, the pretence of a contrivance between the husband and myself to fabricate the evidences of it.

The variety of shapes which this woman could assume was endless. In a conversation between her and a gentleman whom I am not at liberty publicly to name,45 she made a voluntary confession of her belief and even knowledge, that I was innocent of all that had been laid to my charge by Reynolds or any other person of her acquaintance, spoke of me in exalted terms of esteem and respect, declared in the most solemn manner her extreme unhappiness lest I should suppose her accessary to the trouble which had been given me on that account, and expressed her fear that the resentment of Mr. Reynolds on a particular score, might have urged him to improper lengths of revenge—appearing at the same time extremely agitated and unhappy. With the gentleman who gives this information, I have never been in any relation personal or political that could be supposed to bias him. His name would evince that he is an impartial witness. And though I am not permitted to make a public use of it, I am permitted to refer any gentleman to the perusal of his letter in the hands of William Bingham, Esquire; who is also so obliging as to permit me to deposit with him for similar inspection all the original papers which are contained in the appendix to this narrative. The letter from the gentleman above alluded to has been already shewn to Mr. Monroe.

Let me now, in the last place, recur to some comments, in which the hireling editors of the pamphlets No. V and VI has thought fit to indulge himself.

The first of them is that the soft language of one of my notes addressed to a man in the habit of threatening me with disgrace, is incompatible with the idea of innocence.46 The threats alluded to must be those of being able to hang the Secretary of the Treasury. How does it appear that Reynolds was in such a habit? No otherwise than by the declaration of Reynolds and Clingman. If the assertions of these men are to condemn me, there is an end of the question. There is no need, by elaborate deductions from parts of their assertions, to endeavour to establish what their assertions collectively affirm in express terms. If they are worthy of credit I am guilty; if they are not, all wire-drawn inferences from parts of their story are mere artifice and nonsense. But no man, not as debauched as themselves, will believe them, independent of the positive disproof of their story in the written documents.

As to the affair of threats (except those in Reynolds letters respecting the connection with his wife, which it will be perceived were very gentle for the occasion) not the least idea of the sort ever reached me ’till after the imprisonment of Reynolds. Mr. Wolcott’s certificate47 shews my conduct in that case—notwithstanding the powerful motives I may be presumed to have had to desire the liberation of Reynolds, on account of my situation with his wife, I cautioned Mr. Wolcott not to facilitate his liberation, till the affair of the threat was satisfactorily cleared up. The solemn denial of it in Reynold’s letter No. XLII was considered by Mr. Wolcott as sufficient. This is a further proof, that though in respect to my situation with his wife, I was somewhat in Reynolds’s power. I was not disposed to make any improper concession to the apprehension of his resentment.

As the threats intimated in his letters, the nature of the cause will shew that the soft tone of my note was not only compatible with them, but a natural consequence of them.

But it is observed that the dread of the disclosure of an amorous connection was not a sufficient cause for my humility, and that I had nothing to lose as to my reputation for chastity concerning which the world had fixed a previous opinion.

I shall not enter into the question what was the previous opinion entertained of me in this particular—nor how well founded, if it was indeed such as it is represented to have been. It is sufficient to say that there is a wide difference between vague rumours and suspicions and the evidence of a positive fact—no man not indelicately unprincipled, with the state of manners in this country, would be willing to have a conjugal infidelity fixed upon him with positive certainty. He would know that it would justly injure him with a considerable and respectable portion of the society—and especially no man, tender of the happiness of an excellent wife could without extreme pain look forward to the affliction which she might endure from the disclosure, especially a public disclosure, of the fact. Those best acquainted with the interior of my domestic life will best appreciate the force of such a consideration upon me.

The truth was, that in both relations and especially the last, I dreaded extremely a disclosure—and was willing to make large sacrifices to avoid it. It is true, that from the acquiescence of Reynolds, I had strong ties upon his secrecy, but how could I rely upon any tie upon so base a character. How could I know, but that from moment to moment he might, at the expence of his own disgrace, become the mercenary of a party, with whom to blast my character in any way is a favorite object!

Strong inferences are attempted to be drawn from the release of Clingman and Reynolds with the consent of the Treasury, from the want of communicativeness of Reynolds while in prison—from the subsequent disappearance of Reynolds and his wife, and from their not having been produced by me in order to be confronted at the time of the explanation.

As to the first, it was emphatically the transaction of Mr. Wolcott the then Comptroller of the Treasury, and was bottomed upon a very adequate motive—and one as appears from the document No. I, (a) early contemplated in this light by that officer. It was certainly of more consequence to the public to detect and expel from the bosom of the Treasury Department an unfaithful Clerk to prevent future and extensive mischief, than to disgrace and punish two worthless individuals. Besides that a powerful influence foreign to me was exerted to procure indulgence to them—that of Mr. Muhlenberg and Col. Burr48—that of Col. Wadsworth,49 which though insidiously placed to my account was to the best of my recollection utterly unknown to me at the time, and according to the confession of Mrs. Reynolds herself, was put in motion by her entreaty. Candid men will derive strong evidence of my innocence and delicacy, from the reflection, that under circumstances so peculiar, the culprits were compelled to give a real and substantial equivalent for the relief which they obtained from a department, over which I presided.

The backwardness of Reynolds to enter into detail, while in jail, was an argument of nothing but that conscious of his inability to communicate any particulars which could be supported, he found it more convenient to deal in generals, and to keep up appearances by giving promises for the future.

As to the disappearance of the parties after the liberation, how am I answerable for it? Is it not presumable, that the instance discovered at the Treasury was not the only offence of the kind of which they were guilty? After one detection, is it not very probable that Reynolds fled to avoid detection in other cases? But exclusive of this, it is known and might easily be proved, that Reynolds was considerably in debt! What more natural for him than to fly from his creditors after having been once exposed by confinement for such a crime? Moreover, atrocious as his conduct had been towards me, was it not natural for him to fear that my resentment might be excited at the discovery of it, and that it might have been deemed a sufficient reason for retracting the indulgence, which was shewn by withdrawing the prosecution and for recommending it?

One or all of these considerations will explain the disappearance of Reynolds without imputing it to me as a method of getting rid of a dangerous witness.

That disappearance rendered it impracticable, if it had been desired to bring him forward to be confronted. As to Clingman it was not pretended that he knew any thing of what was charged upon me, otherwise than by the notes which he produced, and the information of Reynolds and his wife. As to Mrs. Reynolds, she in fact appears by Clingman’s last story to have remained, and to have been accessible through him, by the gentlemen who had undertaken the inquiry. If they supposed it necessary to the elucidation of the affair, why did not they bring her forward? There can be no doubt of the sufficiency of Clingman’s influence, for this purpose, when it is understood that Mrs. Reynolds and he afterwards lived together as man and wife.50 But to what purpose the confronting? What would it have availed the elucidation of truth, if Reynolds and his wife had impudently made allegations which I denied. Relative character and the written documents must still determine These could decide without it, and they were relied upon. But could it be expected, that I should so debase myself as to think it necessary to my vindication to be confronted with a person such as Reynolds? Could I have borne to suffer my veracity to be exposed to the humiliating competition?

For what?—why, it is said, to tear up the last twig of jealousy—but when I knew that I possessed written documents which were decisive, how could I foresee that any twig of jealousy would remain? When the proofs I did produce to the gentlemen were admitted by them to be completely satisfactory, and by some of them to be more than sufficient, how could I dream of the expediency of producing more—how could I imagine that every twig of jealousy was not plucked up?

If after the recent confessions of the gentlemen themselves, it could be useful to fortify the proof of the full conviction, my explanation had wrought, I might appeal to the total silence concerning this charge, when at a subsequent period, in the year 1793, there was such an active legislative persecution of me.51 It might not even perhaps be difficult to establish, that it came under the eye of Mr. Giles,52 and that he discarded it as the plain case of a private amour unconnected with any thing that was the proper subject of a public attack.

Thus has my desire to destroy this slander, completely, led me to a more copious and particular examination of it, than I am sure was necessary. The bare perusal of the letters from Reynolds and his wife is sufficient to convince my greatest enemy that there is nothing worse in the affair than an irregular and indelicate amour. For this, I bow to the just censure which it merits. I have paid pretty severely for the folly and can never recollect it without disgust and self condemnation. It might seem affectation to say more.

To unfold more clearly the malicious intent, by which the present revival of the affair must have been influenced—I shall annex an affidavit of Mr. Webster53 tending to confirm my declaration of the utter falsehood of the assertion, that a menace of publishing the papers which have been published had arrested the progress of an attempt to hold me up as a candidate for the office of President. Does this editor imagine that he will escape the just odium which awaits him by the miserable subterfuge of saying that he had the information from a respectable citizen of New-York? Till he names the author the inevitable inference must be that he has fabricated the tale.

How good is that wifi hamilton???