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ohheyitsokay · 3 years ago

Text

found

pairing: Paz Vizsla x reader

wordcount: 3.3k

warnings: brief mentions of cannon typical violence, the general awkwardness of writing a new character, fluff

summary: you're someone surprisingly good st finding lost things, and you find a Mandalorian - who's looking for home

Trying to get over my need to over explain things by leaving random plot holes. Don’t think about it too hard.

The charred remnants of the base were in tragic, disorganized, smoking piles all around you.

Feet still, you breathed in through your nose and out through your mouth, too tired to be in awe of what had taken place, too overwhelmed to realize that you were unscathed.

When a figure stepped out from behind one of the heaps, only your eyes moved, impressed in spite of yourself that they had managed to stay silent. It was a being barricaded in armor, solid like they were carved from the mountain around you, but blue, shockingly, wonderfully, beautifully blue.

You wondered if you had it in you to fight him.

It hadn’t been so long ago, that you’d met other Mandalorians – their helmets so full of pompous you wondered how they could fly. As he walked closer, you noticed that he did not look like them, did not hold his chin so high it begged to be knocked with the blunt end of a weapon. There was pride in his shoulders still, but no more than was in yours, and he approached you with empty hands.

“What happened here?” his voice had a rumble but he seemed curious, not disbelieving or angry.

“I tricked them,” you told him, and you were surprised to find yourself unafraid of telling him plainly. “I was looking for a missing flock of sant birds, and found them plumping the bellies of imperial troops.” You gestured loosely to a sparse gaggle of silly little beaked creatures tied a string toward the edge of the rubble. “I muddled the communication signals until they believed there was an incoming attack, and their would-be rescuers believed their own troops were the enemy.”

The Mandalorian's back straightened slightly and his helmet tilted.

“You did that for sant birds?”

“I have no love for imps or those who take what is not theirs,” it came out defensive, although he hadn’t belittled your choice. “It was more effective than I expected, but there were not many living who are not anymore, just droids.”

“You are one who finds what it lost?” there was a question there, but not one spoken aloud, and the subtext screamed.

“Can I help you find something, Mandalorian?”

His shoulders rose slightly - just a hair, really - and you couldn’t sworn his helmet dipped.

“Yes.”

Your fingers danced along the buttons and levers of the ship’s control panels, waiting for a command from your mind that would never come. They moved when you thought, searching for a memory – you couldn’t help it.

Next to you, Paz watched, amused as your sharp eyes were unfocused, mouth open just slightly with unspoken words.

“What are you thinking of, little one?” he asked, as quiet as he could manage, snapping you back to the present.

“When we first met,” you turned to him with a smile that made him fidget in his seat. It baffled him, how good you were, and how steady you’d been by his side.

Paz didn’t respond with words, just a thoughtful hum as he watched the stars race by in streaks. You didn’t know, but he was a little embarrassed by it – how enraptured he’d been by you, how quickly he trusted you.

After being separated from his clan, injured and angry, he had spent months stewing and brewing plans for finding his brethren again to no avail. Paz even hitched rides with strangers and picked up less than ideal work, hoping for something of his people to point him in the right direction.

Still healing, he settled on a little planet known for its rumors, known for spreading and sharing information so fresh it hadn’t had time to be twisted. It was there that he waited for words of Mandalorians, met the… other clans, and it was where he heard of you.

On the surface you weren’t remarkable, the whispers said, just a traveler with an uncanny ability to find lost things, and just smart enough to bend the world to your will and just slippery enough to stay one step ahead of genuine trouble. They said you were caring and cunning and clever and had a knack for judging a person’s character. From word alone he liked that, liked you.

The farmer who owned the barn he was sleeping in told Paz that he had asked you to find an old necklace of his mothers. A day later, both the necklace and a long lost sister were joining them for dinner, and you shrugged off both the thanks and the payment with a smile. Paz knew, because he had heard you distantly, through the weathered slats of the barn, and it stayed with him.

The dismissive words reminded him of home - the first reminder that wasn’t painful - evoking moments that were sweeter than the ache of loss. He would have said the same thing, when the Mandalorian’s who were not warriors requested his help. It wasn’t strict custom, but the way, to accept meals instead of money, stories instead of useless metal. Your actions, words, and far-away laughter reminded him of his home.

And when he found you, uninjured, a glint of satisfaction in your eyes and pride in your shoulders as you spoke casually about justice he couldn’t go back. You were almost glowing in the light of the still smoldering embers, gorgeous and determined and he knew he only had one choice – one shot take you with him.

Paz wasn’t in the habit of making promises he wasn’t absolutely sure he keep but he made himself one that day, buried it like a time capsule somewhere in his chest.

And then immediately put it to the test, by testing you.

He looked over at you, your hands now fiddling with your chair, and he fought the urge to mimic the movements. “I evaluated you,” he hoped you could hear that he was smiling.

You snorted, an impolite noise that made want to laugh.

Standing, you widened you stance comically lifting your limbs in an effort to be bigger, mocking him and saying “If I hire you, little one, I must know that I can trust you,” in an exaggerated tone. The exact words he’d told you after his test was over, something you teased him about often. Paz was laughing, but he wondered if you liked how deep his voice was – it was the key change to your mimicry. Looking satisfied with yourself, you settled down again, reminiscing.

The test had been to accompany him on a mission he’d picked up for extra cash – there were plenty of opportunities to be reckless but you gambled with neither his life nor your own. It was one of those circumstances where you were moving and guarding cargo for a rich young diplomat. He told you afterwards he wanted to see if you’d pocket anything beyond your payment, and of course you hadn’t.

“I passed with flying colors.”

The mission had veered left, when a misinformed bounty hunter pressed the tip of a blaster against your throat. At the time you were nearly strangers, but you didn’t give him up, even when you realized the bounty hunter was looking for a woman.

Paz was as in awe of you then as he was now. You agreed to help him the remnants of his clan, and to travel with him, and his promise to himself remained intact.

He nodded.

When he was young, Paz had a sweetheart, a kind Mandalorian girl with whom he enjoyed spending time with. It fizzled as apprenticeships and training were traded politics and responsibilities, and he had always had fond memories of that time.

It paled in comparison to how he felt about you.

You had been searching on your own for something you swore would help your search, and had been gone for days. If he hadn’t been sure before, he was certain now – what you were to him was infinitely more than anything else he had ever known. Still, he felt like a schoolboy, missing you, glancing at the door to the ship with eagerness every time he heard a creak.

He had thought for weeks it was because you felt like home, had been sure it was your ease with mando'a and his culture that made take to you like a duck to water. It made sense, he reasoned with himself. Of course he missed his family, those he was raised alongside, the very people who gave him purpose in life - of course he was looking for any scrap or taste of that wherever he could get it. Nevermind that your smile made him feel like he’d been stunned, it was just because your personal culture fit his like pieces of his armor.

Anyone would have been pleased, half smitten with someone who allowed then onto their ship, especially one as functional as yours. It was perfectly reasonable that he was comfortable with you, since you were always so thoughtful and honest and caring.

And you were talented, useful, that was all. The reason he valued you so highly was that you made his life easier, matched him step to step and balanced out his strength.

But that was all over now. It was special, how well you fit with him, and not to be taken lightly the vulnerability you gave as you shared your space and rations and time with him. All those other things were true, certainly, tenfold the longer you stayed in his company, but he could no longer explain away how much lighter his heart felt when you trotted into the ship, windblown hair and triumphant eyes.

He wanted you to be by his side, preferably if you wanted to be there.

Standing, he moved towards you, wishing he could hug you as you unceremoniously dumped your supplies on the floor. Instead, he picked them up, piling them or putting them back where they belong as you both filled each other in onto the days passed.

Eventually, the suspense overflowed, your excitement bubbling out of you.

“I got it!” your voice did something when you were excited that he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but it made him smile.

“Got what?” Paz swallowed a cyar'ika.

Eagerly, you produced a small drive and plugged it into the display, saying, “A map!” with pride.

“We already have a map,” That time, he nearly choked on the mesh'la his instincts insisted on, looking at you with genuine confusion.

When you grabbed his gloved hand, he thought he might never let it go.

“Not one like this, Paz.” You turned to the floating miniatures, and he only watched your face under their glow a moment longer before he tore himself away to look as well.

It was distracting, how close you stepped to him as you pointed, but your words were thick with value.

The map had details of Mandalorian sightings and rumors and stories. Even more than that, many of the planets had extra information tacked on, about resource numbers. Paz drank them in, your excitement finally making sense as he realized you were starting to highlight the ones where imported goods didn’t match the populations reported. Your voice was telling him you’d find them soon, that for him, you would do whatever it takes. His longing had become yours, in this little ship half buried in the dirt, under the expanse of the sky.

His hand found your shoulder, gently turning you and carefully, carefully, he hugged you.

The first three planets they chased were driven by pure, unadulterated excitement. He was eager for his brothers, eager to go back to protecting those who raised him and those who were being raised alike. Eager to be home, wherever that may be.

But as the weeks wore on, a realization settled in his mind. Finding home would mean your job was complete – his loss would be you, instead of his tribe.

And he did not like that thought at all.

It became a harsh contrast to his eagerness, as jarring as cool water cracking over heated metal, raising a stink that made his eyes threaten to fill. With each lead the two of you chased, there was a twist in his gut, anticipation suddenly less solid in his heart.

Your ship was nice, cozy and reliable, and he had filled his bunk with anything he found in the markets that reminded him of home. In between searches, you always managed to find the littlest work for the highest pay off – and really, work for a Mandalorian and his lovely, cunning companion was more than available. It was nice, filling your little kitchenette with foods you had introduced to him, and whatever he could get his hands on of the ingredients from his memories.

It wasn’t the same as his old home, with the people and culture who had shaped him, but it was something, and he… liked it, a lot.

He had gotten used to you, the way when his frustration built how you’d match it when he needed to, or lock him in a room with a pile of rations, or slip your hand between the gaps of his armor and rub circles with your thumb. Once he’d gotten in his head about the Mandalore, gone so far he wanted to fight everything that moved, maybe even stop some of them from breathing. You walked right up to him, wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned your weight on him until he remembered to breathe. And he didn’t really think anyone else in the galaxy would’ve done that.

So how could he give that up?

There was an elderly woman, Kori, who had missed the battle. Paz told you excitedly that she was fierce and had fought the armorer for the right to travel, unaware of the trouble that followed his brother-in-arms and the child.

You had set up the meeting at a little cantina you knew, and watched as Paz paced around your ship in his newly polished armor.

The last few months with him had been like a dream – and you had never been more selfish. When you’d met this Mandalorian you had been in awe, despite the previous encounters with the beskar-clad race. More than his formidable size, he cared fiercely, almost seeming larger by the passion that filled his frame.

And the more time you spent listening to his stories, why it all mattered so much to him, and having him listen to you in turn, the more thankful you were that he found you, and continued to let you help him in his search. He didn’t need you, not really. The man was resourceful and intimidating and held himself with the confident grace of a predator - it would have been just as easy for him to take what he wanted and be on his way.

It was strange, how his blood was equal parts humble and proud, but you were drawn to it, intoxicated by him. No one had ever made you feel as protected as he did, as… valuable as he treated you, and you ached for him. You couldn’t bear not to help him as much as you could, but you already knew you would miss your long nights spent talking or the way his gloved hand would grab yours like it was his second nature.

When it was time for the meeting, you had put extra care into your appearance, as if it would matter, wanting to make a good impression. Your companion stopped, and looked you over, and your feet shifted on the bumpy ramp of your ship.

Paz rumbled, as he had the first time you’d met, saying, “What is this?”

It made you laugh, sometimes, that someone so powerful and in control could be so awkward at times.

“Is it bad?” you quipped, trying to sound as though you did not care what he thought. In truth, he was the only one you had ever wanted so badly to think you were attractive.

Paz made a small noise, one you thought you recognized as annoyed, and you turned in time to see his helmet shaking and his shoulders tense.

“Mesh'la,” his voice was lower than normal. Logically you should’ve expected it, but it was amazing, almost overwhelming how his hand enveloped your cheek.

“Thank you,” you whispered, leaning into his touch. It was warm, and you felt selfish for wondering how much moreso it would be without his gloves.

And then a moment later the touch broke and he was hurrying to the cantina with you at his heels.

Kori was there, and they embraced. She greeted you kindly, but you kept your distance as they talked.

You settled at the bar, trying not to mourn a relationship that was hardly more than friendship, as you felt the eyes of someone on the back of your neck. It was a familiar feeling, and you turned, assuming it was Paz – but finding a man making his way over to you instead.

He was handsome, too tight clothes stretched over the muscles of his chest and a sweet, crooked smile. It made you think, maybe a distraction wouldn’t be so bad – and it wasn’t, at first. The guy was nice, attractive and charming and respectful enough that you let yourself actually enjoy his company. You almost didn’t feel the Mandalorians watching you – and you certainly didn’t see your Mandalorian's hands clench on the table.

Paz had hardly said a word to you since he dragged you back to the ship. He knew it was making you anxious, knew you were already waiting for him to start packing, knew you deserved some type of explanation as to what was happened but he just couldn’t.

For the very first time in his life he was petrified of getting the words wrong, desperate to say everything as right as be possibly could.

He wasn’t trained in this – they would say it was the way and move on, or have heated conversations driven by what they knew was right. Mandalorians weren’t … tactful, tentative, tender people, but Maker, did he want to be, for you.

You, in your nice clothes, settled in a crate, watching him and waiting, looking just touch guilty.

It’s not your fault, he wanted to say. It was his, for not being honest sooner. For letting you think he wasn’t head over heels in love with you, for letting you believe he would, could leave you. But he was angry, at himself and at the karking boy for thinking he had any right you make you smile like that.

Angry that it took Kori one look to know what he had spent weeks denying, to unearth the promise he'd made himself about keeping you close.

Angry it took her hand on his fists, and her quite, “Home is where the heart is, adi'ka,” for him to realize.

And when Paz was angry, words slipped past his tongue back down his throat like bitter medicine, and he couldn’t make it stop. He was a man who had spent years of his life in absolute control over every muscle in his body but he always failed with one, the one that seemed to matter most.

In the end, he remembered to do what he wished you would do – he pulled you into him, pressing he forehead of his helmet against yours.

In a moment, he could explain himself, tell you he loved you, ask you to let him stay. In a moment he would thank you for finding him.

But for now, he watched as the confusion cleared from your eyes before they closed and your mouth pulled into a smile, and didn’t run from the pride that filled him from head to toe.

taglist:

@fangirl-316 @scribbledghost @writeforfandoms @beautyagegoodnesssize @princess76179 @mrsbentallmadge

#paz vizsla #paz vizsla x reader #star wars #the mandalorian #maybe i don't know people

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years ago

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Never Gonna Be Alone

A Tyler Rake/Established Female OC fic

Summary: A lot changes in five years. Now a family of nine, the Rakes are splitting their time between Australia and New York City. With Dhaka nothing but a distant yet still painful memory and the dirty work mostly behind him, Tyler is healthy and thriving. Not only as a husband and father, but as the acting founder and boss of his own mercenary business and co-owner of his wife's well loved and flourishing bookstore. But while love and domestic happiness abound, the past and its secrets are never far behind.

Huge thanks and tons of love to @tragiclyhip for never letting me give up! It’s thanks to her I ever actually finished off the last fic, or started this one. And she also made my incredible banner! <3 <3 <3

Warnings: none

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @tragiclyhip

Prologue

FIVE YEARS LATER

******

The stand sits fifteen feet above ground and wraps halfway around the gnarled and twisted trunk of a centuries old Kapok tree. No hunter has made use of it in years; the stairs leading upwards weakened by harsh weather and neglect, wood cracking and bowing under the soles of well worn combat boots. Despite the added weight of gear and a kevlar utility vest, long legs and a wide stride make it easy to navigate the missing steps. His movements are purposeful and quiet; careful to avoid even the slightest snap of a twig or the rustle of dried and fallen leaves or the scratch of dirt and pebbles against the pitted and fragile wood. Any sound is a detriment in this environment; the lush and dense landscape so eerily still and silent that even a hint of noise would seem deafening. The slightest of movement has the potential to stir up the wildlife, which in turn would draw unwanted attention upwards from the banks of the Mekong River.

Even under the thick and expansive umbrella of the forest the heat is stifling. Humidity oppressive and choking. A thin layer of sweat gathers on his brow; errants droplets burning his eyes and gathering on the ends of his lashes. His shirt -long sleeved to not only provide cover in the jungle but protect from scrapes and cuts and the burn of the sun- nearly soaked right through; darkened patches under the arms and at the small of the back, the fabric clinging to dampened and slick skin. Fine beads settle around his mouth, and when he drops into a crouch at the top of the stand, he swipes his tongue over his top lip in an effort to clear away the sweat. It had been an hour hike through the jungle; moving swiftly and silently as he listened to directions being given through a transmitter he sports in his left ear. It’s sweltering and he’s thirsty; head pounding and his hands begin to tremble as the beginning stages of dehydration begin to settle in. He takes the time to remedy the situation. Shrugging off the rucksack slung over his left shoulder and dropping it onto the floor of the stand; hands shaking yet able to tear open the zipper. There’s two bottles of water packed in amongst the gear; extra pairs of socks in case of treks through swamps and marshes, two full clips of ammo that will only be used if someone on the other side is able to pinpoint his location and launch a full scale and fully armed search.

He hopes it doesn’t come to that.

Downing half a bottle of water, he uses the remains to cool himself down; splashing a handful of the liquid against his face and then dumping the rest over his head. Ten years ago, the elements wouldn’t have bothered him as much; he would have been thirty seven years old and still in relatively good shape. Physically AND mentally. And despite a consistent and punishing routine of heavy lifting, core training, and cardio, he’s definitely feeling the effects of both age and decades of hard and often dangerous living. Knees stiff and aching from the brisk hike over rough terrain and then through mud and thick brush; the arthritis that takes up residence in the small of his back and the right hip making its presence known. He’ll be sore tomorrow; every step he takes will send pain shooting through him, and for the next week he’ll wonder just why the hell he ever said ‘yes’ in the first place. Each stiff movement and slow step and aching muscle will remind him of just how things HAVE changed over the years. Gone are the days when he could skip a few days sleep; able to function on both little rest and minuscule amounts of food and drink. There’s no way he’d be able to do THAT now; push his body to the limits he’d been testing for so long. That man no longer exists. The one that would take the most dangerous and unpredictable jobs in hopes of catching a bullet. Who’d almost pray, beg and plead each and every time he went out that it would be his last; one sniper’s shot away from finally being put out of his miserable existence.

Things changed, of course. When he’d been least expecting them to. There’s way too much to lose now. It’s why every decision he makes now...every movement...matters so much. Even the smallest of mistakes can change the course of the future; one misstep potentially blowing his cover and leading to his untimely -and likely extremely brutal and bloody- demise. An hour away a helicopter waits for him; on standby to whisk him back to Vietnam and that little ‘hole in the wall’ hotel he’d been staying in. A quick shower and he’d back in the air; rushed to the nearest backwoods airport where a private jet would take him home. It’s been four days now; two spent in the planning stages before his first ‘hit’ in Laos and then the trek to Cambodia. Two for the price of one, Anil had said, although money matters very little now. These kinds of gigs are more a service; wiping out the dregs of society more of a gift to humanity than anything else.

He normally doesn’t take on jobs. A total of three in the past five years. This is the fourth AND fifth. The skills and the mindset quickly and effortlessly returning, the first kill a lot easier than he’d thought it would be. It’s like riding a bike; once the gun is in your hand and you’re peering through that scope, your finger easily finds and pulls the trigger. And this job had been impossible to turn down; the dirty and vile details hitting home and preying on his ‘human side’. Anyone in his position as a husband and father would have been enraged and disgusted. Drug runners and weapons smugglers that moonlight in abusing and torturing their wives and exploiting children. Sometimes even their own. People that evil don’t deserve to live; even a bullet between the eyes considered too kind. But it’s all he has time for. No ‘face to face’ meetings. He can’t be seen or even identified by name in order to protect his OWN family. He has to remain a ghost. An urban legend of sorts. Talked and gossiped about in drug circles and even among the local police and military who’d either been paid off by the criminals or had been hopeless and hapless when it came to stopping the activity. Nothing will be known about him. No glimpse of his appearance, no chance to hear his voice or even know his name. He’ll be known for just those ‘lucky shots’ he’d gotten in. Turned in to nothing more than rumours and speculation that will continue spreading long after he’s gone.

***

“T...you there?” Yaz’ voice through the earpiece. The reception is spotty; words broken up by heavy static.

He uses a forearm to wipe the mixture of water and sweat from his face, then lays a finger against the transmitter clipped to his vest. “I’m here.”

“Hot out there today, isn’t it.”

He smirks, then begins pulling pieces of a semi automatic rifle from the confines of the rucksack; hands moving quickly and efficiently as they snap and twist the weapon together. “I don’t want to hear your bitching. You’ve got air conditioning. I’m the one out in this shit.” His voice is low and quiet as he speaks. Even the smallest of sounds can travel great distances; echoing through the jungle and making its way down to the banks of the Mekong.

The river sits fifty yards to the south; muddy and heavily polluted and dotted with boats belonging to local fisherman. One vessel stands out from the crowd. A large and expensive houseboat; the chrome that lines the powerful motor and makes up the railings on the top deck sparkling in the sunlight. His mark is inside; meeting with some of Anil’s people acting under the guise of weapons buyers. When the time is right, the man in question will be led out onto the bottom deck and he’ll have one shot to get the job done. It’s another reason Anil had personally sought him out; his marksmanship impeccable, no other employee coming close to possessing that level of skill.

“You good?” Yaz inquires.

“Yeah…” he snaps the magazine in place and then switches off the safety. “...I’m good.”

“I’ll let you know when there’s movement. Going silent for now.”

He tears off the lid of the second bottle of water and takes a single sip before setting it down; using his sleeve to wipe both the opening and every side of the plastic. He can’t leave any trace of himself behind. Not a drop of sweat or a hint of saliva or his fingerprints. He’ll wipe the stand down before he leaves; methodically cleaning anything he may have come in contact with. IF his location is discovered, money talks. Anyone remotely related to his mark will pay to get answers, and the police will take what’s offered and collect every shred of possible evidence. He can’t take that chance. A single, unattached person may not care. Had he still been the guy living in the rundown and beaten up shack in the outback, he wouldn’t have thought twice about covering his tracks. But lives depend on him. A wife and seven beautiful little humans that count on him to protect them and keep them safe.

He CAN’T fuck this up.

Up in the stand he’s well hidden; camouflaged by the abundance of thick, lush greenery. It’ll be a tough shot through twisted and tangled branches; not even a foot of clearance between wood and leaves. Depending on exactly where his mark is led, he’ll compensate for that; pulling to the right or left in order to prevent the bullet from getting too ‘dirty’. He’s made tougher shots; mostly in his SASR days. And there’s no doubt he’ll make this one.

He bunches up the ruck sack and places it near the edge of the stand, facing the river. He’ll use it as both a ledge and a form of cushioning; balancing the long barrel of the rifle will provide stability and muffle the sound of the shot, disguising where it had originated from. He winces as he gingerly lowers himself onto his stomach; the cracking in his hip and the soreness in both knee and shoulder reminding him that he’s not as young as he used to be. Forty-seven is ancient in mercenary years. Most never make it that far. The odd few get to retire peacefully, but the majority are taken out by a bullet; one too many lapses in judgment and the smallest of errors leading to their deaths.

But most never get to have what he does either. A normal life with a family that loves him ; thousands of miles away, anxiously awaiting his return. It’s why he’s so careful; every decision he makes and every action he takes is done with them at the forefront of his mind. And he thinks about them now; warm and safe in the confines of a townhome in New York City. Four days ago they’d travelled from Australia and he’d promised to meet up with them as soon as the job was finished. It’s their third Christmas there; an eight bedroom brownstone in Gramercy Park. The kids especially enjoy spending the holidays there. Quickly falling in love with the idea of a white Christmas and enjoying all of the outdoor activities; sledding and skating and seeing the tree at Rockefeller Centre and visiting Santa and the reindeer in Central Park. And while life in the Big Apple had never appealed to him, the draw of Gramercy had been impossible to resist. Quiet and quaint; tree lined streets and a private park and neighbours that mind their own business and don’t ask too many questions. He’d initially worried about standing out like a sore thumb; tanned skinned and the array of tattoos and scars and the ‘Down Under’ accent. It turned out to be everything he HADN'T expected. The feeling of small town life within an enormous city.

The back of his hand swipes at the locusts and mosquitos that hover close to his face; their buzzing and humming both tickling and irritating his ears. The right isn’t as good as it used to be; hearing slightly muted and distorted thanks to years of both firing and coming in close contact with weapons. It’s another drawback to getting old. Along with his eyesight. Needing glasses to read or to spend anytime staring at a computer screen.

“They’re on the move.”

He blinks sweat from his eyes and wipes his lips and chin on the sleeve of his shirt. Then he settles in; bending his left leg at the knee and wriggling his stomach against the wood beneath him. The latter is mind over matter; as if the simple movement and the way he presses the toes of boots against the stand will improve both shot and stability. His finger hovers over the trigger; other hand lightly supporting the barrel of the gun, allowing the rucksack to bear the majority of the weight. Anil’s people come out first; identified by the tan linen suits he’d been told they’d be sporting. The ‘Mark’ is a middle aged man, clad in casual attire; olive green cargo shorts and a simple white golf shirt. He’s short and stocky with greying hair and a noticeable limp; a run in with a rival drug crew years ago resulting in the amputation of his leg and the acquisition of a prosthetic device.

His jaw clenches and his lips settle into a thin, pursed line. His heart hammers in his chest and both his shoulders and his chest tighten. It’s adrenaline. That unmistakable rush that comes before an imminent strike. He remembers it well. And it’s both surprising and disheartening how much he’s actually missed it.

As they chatter and laugh, one of Anil’s men places a hand on the Mark’s back and ever so slightly turns the other man in Tyler’s direction. It’s all he needs; just enough of the Mark’s forehead to ensure a ‘kill shot’. And he takes it; the sound slightly muffled but still deafening as it echoes through the jungle and stirs birds from their perches and wildlife from the safety of their nests and dens. The bullet easily tears through layers of leaves and bypasses branches; finding its target and sending the Mark sprawling backwards and then down into a pool of brain matter, fragments of skull, and quickly spreading blood.

“Target’s down.”

The words are simple. To the point. And as chaos erupts down by the river, he calmly begins his retreat; pushing himself up onto his feet and slinging the rifle over his shoulder. There’s no pressing need or rush; Anil’s people have made their quick escape and the screams and shouts are coming from startled fisherman and colleagues of the Mark that had been inside the houseboat. He has time; methodically cleaning every inch of both the stand and the stairs and making sure he’s left nothing behind.

“I’m heading back,” he says, shouldering the ruck sack and taking the stairs two at a time. He’s suddenly anxious to get on his way; feeling the relief that sets in as he begins his hour long trek.

A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. Not from the success of the mission or the satisfaction that comes with ridding the world of yet another monster. It’s one of happiness. One of peace.

The realization that each step he takes brings him closer to home.

#Tyler Rake #Tyler Rake fan fiction #Extraction fan fiction

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yarasun · 5 years ago

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Illicit Desire 3; l.dh

Word Count: 9.4K

Summary: A secret friendship between the heirs of rival companies. But behind the label of friendship, feelings of affection lingered. Donghyuck who would give up everything to be with you, goes out of his way to show you how he feels. It’s a risky decision, but he’d do anything to make you his. Despite being an illicit desire.

Author’s Note: This was all based of my imaginations. Plot was reccomended to me by a friend. Credits to the KDrama The Inheritors, this is where I got a small bit of the Business School idea from. As mentioned, these were mere products of my imaginations, and does not define the idols mentioned. I’ve already posted the first 2 parts, check them out before this. Enjoy!

>> Illicit Desire 1 || 2 <<

You could feel his stares from afar. Like he was observing something that he never knew existed. As if you were something magical that just allures him and his curiosity. He gaped at how such ethereal beauty existed. He questioned at how he, out of everyone, was so attracted to such masterpiece. He never saw himself becoming so addicted to you.

It's been weeks, almost a month, since Donghyuck's confession. Since then, neither of you had the guts to initiate a conversation with each other. After that kiss, Donghyuck decided to take you home. He didn't even anticipate for what you had to say, he just took you home, the ride, a deafening silence. You thanked him for the day and said goodnight before he drove off in the bright night.

"Why does it seem as if you're avoiding her?" Jaemin asks as the group continues to walk out of the school campus. Jeno snakes his arm around Donghyuck's shoulders as they walked towards their cars.

"I confessed." He mumbled and the group started interrogating him.

"When?" Jisung asked. Donghyuck placed his bag in the back seat of his car and turns around to face the group once more. "That day I said I needed to head home and couldn't hang out with you guys. Instead, I ran to the cafeteria, and I found her. I took her out for some food, played Just Dance in the arcade, had dinner and while heading back to my car, I told her how I felt."

Renjun dropped the lollipop he was eating and grabbed Donghyuck's collar, pulling the taller boy down to his eye level and asking, "What did she say?" Donghyuck stared at the older boy in confusion and horror, "I was not able to await her answer. I got too embarrassed and just decided to take her home."

The boy loosened his grip on Donghyuck's collar and took a deep breath. "Hold on. Don't tell me you guys kissed?" Chenle spoke up and Donghyuck's face turned into a bright hue of pink. The group stared at him in shock, knowing what the answer was by his reaction.

"You confessed to her, and shared a kiss. But you didn't wait for her reply to your confession?" Jeno confirms and Donghyuck nods. He then smacks his forehead and whispered, "You're hopeless."

After the little interrogation, the group dispersed and decided to head home. It was finals week and everyone needed to focus. Especially Donghyuck, he couldn't drop from his spot as the highest scoring student. His parents would blow a fuse and he couldn't bear to sit in and listen to another lecture.

You walked out of the school hallway and stood by the waiting area for your chauffeur to pick you up. Flipping the pages of your Entrepreneurial Venture and Office Simulation book, you patiently waited for the driver. Donghyuck saw you. He was staring, intently. It's that type of look of longing that makes him want to beg on his knees, pleasing for you to give him attention. Just even the slightest one.

Donghyuck would gladly get on his knees for you. He would willingly embarrass himself, just for you. He'd be eager to accept anything from you, even if you couldn't reciprocate his feelings, he'd be pleased just to hold your hands once more. That was how much he loved you. But you would never know that.

Or so he thought.

As soon as the chauffeur pulled up, you immediately got into the car and headed home. You needed to study harder this time. Sure, you had pretty good scores, but good was never enough. Not in your family. "Could we stop over at Heio's? I'd like to take out some food." You told the driver and he simply nodded.

You got out the car and headed into the small café and ordered your usual Cookie Dough milkshake and a box of 6 macaroons. Suddenly, Donghyuck popped into your mind. You remembered the day he took you out and got you to taste their macaroons. Unconsciously, a soft smile crept onto your lips.

"Could I be the reason of your smile, darling?" His voice. You moved your head slightly to have Donghyuck's face inches away from yours. He looked heavenly. He looks like an actual young god. Or he could even be mightier than one. He's eminently captivating, possessing a surreal radiance, it's almost illusory.

Lee Donghyuck was divine. The kind that everyone longs for. The one that you yearn to be with. He was truly ethereal, and you savored the idea of being with him. To entangle your fingers in his hair, intertwine your fingers with his, and to have him by your side. You wanted Donghyuck, badly. But he'll never know.

"Donghyuck, why are you here?" You asked, stepping back to create a distance between the both of you. He placed his hands in his pockets and shrugged, "I thought some Heio's macaroons would help me in studying. Little did I know you'd be here darling."

You looked so irresistible, Donghyuck thought. He loved how you looked in your school uniform. It made you look studious. He wished to put his arms over your shoulders whenever he'd like. He fancied the idea of showing you off and allowing you come along on the little trips with his friends. He desired you, yet, he was too afraid that you didn't feel the same.

"I'll pay for her orders, along with mine." Donghyuck tells the cashier. Afterwards, the both of you walk over to the claiming area.

You were shocked when he suddenly pulled you towards him, his head snuggled on your head. Your face making contact with his chest. "Darling, I've missed the feeling of you." He whispers. Your heart once again started racing. Your whole system felt hot, as if igniting on fire. Anytime, exploding out of excitement.

"Donghyuck." You cooed and he pulled you even closer. You could feel all the emotions radiating off his body. Neediness, pain, love and regret? You were unsure of the last emotion, but that was what it seemed to be.

"I hate being away from you. I hate staring at you from afar. I hate looking at you and thinking, that oh shit. It could've been me she's talking to. It could've been me that she's laughing with. It could've been me, who is always beside her. I hate these feelings, darling." He admits in such a shaky and hushed voice. You felt the pain in every word he uttered.

Donghyuck loved you very much. There was no denying that. Despite it as a proscribed feeling, he did. And there was nothing that could stop those desires of his. He would gladly step down from his position as an heir to their business, as long as it meant he could be with you. He didn't care about the criticism at all. As long as you both shared the same affection towards each other, he'd willingly test his luck, and gamble, just for your hand.

"I know. But we can't do anything about it Donghyuck." You said, hesitating every word. It was hard for you to admit, but you had a point. Despite all this strong affection for each other, neither of you could do anything to fulfill those desires.

"Darling, after our graduation, would you allow me to pursue you?" He asked, loosened his grip on you, and looked at you deep in your eyes. Drowning himself in those deep, mysterious and bottomless orbs, unable to comprehend your hidden emotions. You were undecipherable.

"I don't know Donghyuck." You answered carefully, trying your best not to say anything wrong. He smiles bitterly and kisses your cheek, "I'll prove my love for you, darling. Just wait." He says.

"Cookie dough milkshake, and 2 boxes of macaroons for Lee Donghyuck?" The barista calls out, and you both walk towards the counter to grab your orders.

"Thank you Donghyuck." You said and he kissed your forehead, whispering, "Study well, darling. I'll be waiting for you after graduation." He says and walks out the café, strutting towards his car.

You heaved a heavy sigh and walked out the café with your order. Finally driving off towards home. In the car, you replayed the scenario that took place in the café. Was he sincere with what he said? Did he really feel that way? Was Lee Donghyuck really in love with you? You shook the thoughts off as the car pulled up into the large grey gate of the house.

As soon as you entered the house, you were greeted by the helpers, but aside that, an empty house. You opted to start studying as soon as possible, so you ran to your room and decided to take a shower beforehand. It was always best to be fresh when studying, your mind seemed to function better that way.

After a few hours of studying, you checked your phone to realize that it was already 10:45 p.m. and you needed sleep. A notification popped up on your screen and you decided to check it out.

"Hey darling, it's late. I hope you were able to study well. Good luck on tomorrow's tests. Get some rest. Goodnight." It was Donghyuck. You've always had each other's numbers but you tend to forget that you did. Mainly because you don't contact each other often. Ignoring his message, you switched the device off and got into the comfort of your bed, and engulfing yourself with the warmth that your thick blanket provides. And finally, dozing off into a deep slumber.

___

"How do you think you did?" Hana asks with a smile. Her bright set of teeth shining blindingly. She was exceptionally beautiful. Like a deity that descended from the sky. She has this soft fire that ignites wherever she goes, burning everything in her wake. Kim Hana has a bewitching fire to her, one that could never burn out.

It's been a few weeks since your final exams and you weren't anxious at all. Just had these tingles of your knees buckling with the thought of your father possibly kicking you out of the household, if you ever had low scores. So, no, you were not nervous. You were simply neurotic.

The results for the finals were to be posted in the school hall's bulletin board. Pretty much everyone was agitated to see the results, thus causing the huge crowd hoarding towards the school hall. You usually view the results a few hours after its posted to avoid the crowd, but today, Hana was able to drag you across the campus. When it came to her, you seemingly have no choice but to assent it.

Both of you squeezed through the pile of sticky, sweaty bodies until you popped to the front. Searching for your name, unable to find it by the 6-10 list, you started to sweat nervously. Until Hana's arms shook your shoulders vigorously. "You're number 1!" She screams and hugs you tightly. Unable to grasp the situation, your eyes tried desperately to focus on the list

1.Y/N

Lee Donghyuck

Choi Yerin

Kim Jiwoo

Seo Hyo Sik

When Hana finally let’s go of you, were you only able to smile brightly and express your excitement. Sure, you admitted that you studied hard for the exam, even going through lengths of ruining your sleeping schedule, in order for your father to not be disappointed in you. But you had never expected to come close to Lee Donghyuck's level. Let alone be the reason of him coming in second.

In the midst of talking with Hana, your eyes caught a glimpse of the group. Lee Jeno had his hands in his pockets. Zhong Chenle with his infamous smile, his eyes turning into slits. Huang Renjun's blonde hair glowing from afar. Na Jaemin and his toothy grin, his arms draped lazily on Jisung's shoulder. Park Jisung stood like a tower, tall and mighty with his round glasses steady on his nose. And of course, in the middle was Lee Donghyuck, he looked like a god. Powerful, beautiful, yet dangerous. He stared at you, intently. You were confused. It didn't look like any of his usual gazes. You were unsure of how he looked at you. Was he proud that you were number 1? Or was he mad that you dethroned him? You decided that it was undecipherable. And you left it that way.

"Hey, let's grab some snacks and go shopping! I need a new set of palettes to prepare for our graduation." Hana chirps and you shook your head. Snapping out of your reverie, as the both of you walk out the hall. You stole one last glance at Lee Donghyuck and his friends, and you were certain that he smirked.

Lee Donghyuck indeed was agonizingly beautiful. If the day of judgement comes, it might be that Donghyuck was a sinner. A sinner for breaking hearts with his angelic, yet devilish looks. A façade if you say so yourself. If he were to be banished into the dark and never-ending depths of Tartarus, without doubt, you would decide to be banished with him. For Lee Donghyuck, was truly worth all that pain. You would burn in hell and be left in ashes, as long as it meant Lee Donghyuck would be the cause of that pain. Donghyuck was a blazing flame, he could burn out the world if he wanted to. He was mesmerizing, yet he brings pain and affliction. But, you as a masochist, would risk it all and burn with him. For what you felt for Lee Donghyuck was no unadorned affection, it was something far beyond what you known as love, something much stronger. And you had no way to put it into words.

"How about I treat you to some food? My little celebration of my achievement." You suggested and Hana's eyes glimmered under the bright sunlight. You laughed at her expression and the both of you walked towards her white Bentley.

"What are you craving for?" You asked as you maneuvered Hana's car out of the school's parking lot. You decided to try driving her car since your parents were far too strict into letting you drive your own Jaguar around the city. They would always have the chauffeurs drive you around and pick you up. Thus, with the purr of Hana's car, excitement pumped through your veins. It gave you chills and you loved the feeling of it.

Both of you decided on some seafoods and had an early dinner. Afterwards, Hana decided to check out some new heels for future outfits and she also ended up purchasing a heck ton of clothes. You and Hana were a contrast of each other. She loved designer clothes and high heels. Meanwhile you found comfort in plain jeans and oversized hoodies paired with your Adidas superstars. She enjoys going out to parties and business galas while you stayed home and read books. If people were unaware of your social status, you would even be mistaken as an ordinary girl. Not the daughter and heiress of a huge medical company across the country. With your antithetical characteristics, people questioned how the both of you were even friends. Not that it mattered anyways, you had always treated Hana as a sister. You'd get into mini arguments just because of your conflicting beliefs, but at the end of the day, it was always you and her that would rattle the Earth to its core.

After spending hours in the mall, you decided to head home. You contacted the chauffeur to pick you up and Hana left as soon as your car pulled up. Bidding her farewell, you got into the car and drove back home in silence. The only sounds were your soft breathing, and other cars zooming past the road. Overall, it was a comforting silence that managed to let your mind at ease.

"How were your results?" Your father asked as soon as you stepped foot inside the house. He was sitting by the couch, one leg over the other and reading a random book which was probably from his office. Your father always seemed to be emotionless, he looked at you sternly, his eyes seeming to lack any kind of glint. He was the opposite of your mom. You mom always sported out smiles and her voice, a soothing sound. They were so unlike yet they matched each other well, just like the friendship between you and Hana.

"I was the highest scoring student out of the whole school." You muttered quietly. Just enough for your father to hear it. He stood up from his seat and engulfed you in a tight hug. You smiled and returned the favor. "You did so well sweetheart, I'm so proud of you." He says and finally let’s go of you. A big smile plastered on his face.

"Thank you, father. I worked hard for it." You said and he nodded in agreement. "I know you did sweetheart. I'm really proud of you. I'll be sure to tell your siblings and mother about it as soon as they arrive home. Now, rest up. You deserve it." He says and with that you smile and walk up to your room.

Setting your school bag and paper bags from the mall on the table, you got into the shower and took a quick bath. Afterwards, you decided to open up all the things you bought and organize it around your room. You bought a few new books to add into your collection, and also some hoodies and a pair of black sneakers. Hana was skeptical about your choice of fashion, but refused to argue with you about it, knowing that you were comfortable with it.

A new notification popped in your phone and you tapped the screen lightly to read it.

"Hey darling. Congratulations on becoming number 1. I'm so proud of you. Up for lunch tomorrow?" It was a message from Donghyuck. You smiled and typed in an answer.

"Hi. Thanks! I really thought you would kill me earlier HAHAHA. Sure, I'm always up for food."

A laugh emitted from Donghyuck when he read your message. He was genuinely proud of you. Seeing you smile in the hall when Hana engulfed you and saying you were number 1, truly was a beautiful sight. It made him sigh in content.

In Donghyuck's eyes, you were exceptionally beautiful. Like an angel that fell from the sky. The way you smiled and how your eyes glittered upon realizing the situation, Donghyuck decided you were and always will be a sight to see. You were perfectly molded, shaped into a masterpiece. You were far prettier than a garden of red roses. Your voice, it was soft, soothing and mellow, it was a mellifluous sound in Donghyuck's ears, and he absolutely loved listening to it. He was unsure as to why you made him feel this way. He was never fond of the effects that you had om him. The ability to make his heart swell when you'd pout or smiled and how putty he becomes when you talk to him. Donghyuck didn't know much about love, but if it meant imaging a future with you, being able to hold your hands and crash his lips against yours, then surely that is what he felt for you. Or probably, far more intense than just love.

"AHAHAHA as much as I was disappointed at myself, I could never bring myself to hurt you darling. Take note of that." Unconsciously, you smiled at his message. You didn't know why Donghyuck had this effect on you. But then again, you never really questioned it. Because, whatever it may be, you liked it, and you liked the fact that Donghyuck is the reason behind those tingles that you feel. Sometimes, the huge rivalry between your companies tended to slip from your mind. Making you cling onto that blurred dreams of having a future with Lee Donghyuck, savoring that sweet despair that would bound to happen if you ever did get consumed by your fantasies.

"Alright then. I guess I'll see you tomorrow? Goodnight Donghyuck." You answered and placed your phone on your bedside table. You hugged the covers tighter on your body and deciding to finally doze off into a comfortable slumber.

"Goodnight darling." The boy sighs with pleasure as he sends the text message. A smile rests on his lips as he wanders to the thought of you. Your genuine smile setting his heart ablaze and boiling his blood, in a good way. It was the prettiest thing he's ever seen. The way you looked, seemed as if you held all the planets in your hands, and he wished he could've stared at you for a much longer period of time. You were Donghyuck's angel in this wicked and damned world. He wishes for you to hold his hand when times get rough. For you to ruffle his hair as he nestled his head on the part where your neck and shoulders meet. He simply wishes for you to be with him always, which is why he intends to pursue you before it was too late.

___

A smile crept up your lips as you twirled once more to appreciate your outfit for your little meet up with Lee Donghyuck. A plain oversized black tshirt, tucked into your tattered high-waist jeans and paired with your white adidas. Grabbing your black mini backpack, you placed your phone, a liptint and wallet into it, finally walking out the room. Overall, you looked like an average teenage girl, no family reputation, no huge responsibilities.

You got into the car and the chauffeur drove you off to Heio's, where Donghyuck said he would be waiting. As soon as you entered the café, you spotted Donghyuck in a booth by the window. He was wearing a grey oversized hoodie, tucked into his black ripped jeans and he sported a pair of black combat boots. He looked so beautiful.

"Hey darling." He stood up and greeted you as soon as you arrived in front of the table. He steals a kiss on your cheeks and he allows you to take your seat before he walks over to take his. There was a cookie dough milkshake on the table and a plate of macaroons. "I already ordered if that's fine with you." He says and you smiled at him. Both of you started talking about random things and laughed with each other. Completely forgetting about the people around you.

Being with Donghyuck was like gambling on lotteries and casinos. You could never predict nor be sure of the outcomes that await you, but as long as you enjoyed the moment, that was all that mattered. For being with Donghyuck was dangerous, consider yourself a pessimistic for saying that, but there was no denying it. It has always been engraved in your mind, that you and Donghyuck, an impossible mach. Neither of you were sure of the consequences that come with it, but you knew that you liked each other. And risking everything for this so-called love, would definitely be worth it, just to end up with each other.

"Are you in the mood to visit Lotte World darling? I mean you've probably been there before but-" You cut him off with a peck on his cheeks and pulled him out the café. "Stop mumbling and let's go." He smiled and placed his hand on the small of your back, guiding you towards his grey Porsche. He opened the door to your seat, and jogged over to his. Donghyuck was unequivocally, an ideal boyfriend type.

After purchasing your tickets and parking Donghyuck's car, the both of you walked into the indoor theme park. "I've actually never been to Lotte World." You admitted as your eyes wandered around the huge place, numerous attractions catching your attention. Donghyuck grabs your hand in his, and intertwines your fingers and he leads you further inside.

"Really? I've been here numerous times because of Jisung always wanting to go on the Swing Tree." He says and you tugged on his arm, "Swing Tree? Can we try it out?" You asked and Donghyuck sighs, nodding and taking to where the Swing Tree was. It was a pretty tall tree, roughly around 4 meters with some seats attached to it. It spins at about a high speed of 50km/h, and you were excited to try it.

There wasn't that much people around so you were able to try the attraction, without having to queue up for a long period of time. Taking a seat behind Donghyuck, the personnel in-charge, buckled your seatbelts, and in less than 2 minutes, you were spinning at such a high pace, it was as if you were ready to be sent flying into the sky.

After hours of roaming around the amusement park, Donghyuck decided to get some food and head to the mall for some shopping. He also needed to purchase a few things for the graduation. Whilst in the car, Donghyuck grabbed your hand and intertwined it with his. He brought it up his lips and placed a chaste kiss on the back of your hand. This action made your mind fuzzy and body hot. You were fully aware of Donghyuck's effect on you. But never once, has it crossed your mind that it could go to such high extents. To the point that you were unable to think and everything was just about him and his ravishing looks. His lips were soft on your skin, it left a heated spot on your skin, as if you were kissed by the flames of Ares' wrath. Donghyuck would be the death of you, that you were sure of.

"Darling." He calls out to you in such an angelic voice. It sounded like glass, handling it delicately. The way his little nickname for you rolled out his tongue, was mellifluous. Just like flowers and sweets, it causes a smile to creep up your lips unconsciously. You hummed as he fiddled with your fingers that were intertwined with his.

"Would you say the words I love you too if I told you that I loved you?" He asked, his gaze still focusing on the road. His question caught you off guard. You loved Donghyuck, you really did. You were simply afraid, agitated that he might hurt you. It always lingered in your mind that Donghyuck was a rival. Although you never really cared about the company feuds, and you were genuine about your feelings for Donghyuck, what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he was simply using you? What if he acts as if he loves you, but the next day, leaves you for his family's gain? You were perturbed about those thoughts.

"Donghyuck-" Unable to finish your sentence, Donghyuck grips your hand and pulls up into one of the mall's empty parking space. "Darling, don't. Not yet. I can't bear to hear your rejection just yet. Let's just go." He says, and unbuckle his seatbelt to get out of the car. You could feel the pain and disappointment in his voice. But why? You were sure Donghyuck did not love you that hard, but why is there a presence of hurt?

You shook the thoughts out of your mind and simply decided to walk with Donghyuck into the mall. He grabbed your hand and intertwined your fingers with his once more as he dragged you into Cipele. The certain shop sells some of the most expensive and high-end brands of shoes. Knowing Donghyuck, he probably doesn't wear a simple Adidas, or Vans, he owns numerous pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes. His father even urges him to purchase a few from a much more designer brand, but he feels comfortable with what he owns, therefore he had a whole shelf of Christian Louboutins.

"Good afternoon Mr. Lee, how can I help you today?" A sales clerk pops up beside you as Donghyuck smiled and greeted her. "Hello Min Ji, I'm looking for a pair of black dress shoes for our graduation."

The sales clerk looked like she was around your age. She had long blonde hair with soft streaks of pink at the end and her softly tanned skin gave her an alluring glow. She was beautiful, her lips small and puckered with her simple lip gloss and a light coat of BB Cream and powder. She had a simple makeup look but she seemed naturally good looking.

"Ah yes. A delivery of stocks arrived so we have a few pairs that you might like. This way." She said and Donghyuck follows behind her. His fingers still interlocked with yours as he softly tugs you along. His eyes wandered around the shelves in search for something he might like. Christian Louboutin was well known for making red soled shoes for both men and women. As mentioned, Donghyuck admires the brand and owns a lot of pairs from the particular brand. Even his school shoes are Christian Louboutin.

"Do you think this looks good on me darling?" He asks as he takes a seat and tries one of it on. You looked at him from head to toe, and vice versa, nodding in approval. "You look good in anything Donghyuck." You mumbled and he chuckles. He heard it. "Darling. Please, don't give me false hopes." He says and takes the shoe off. "Can I try on the Greggo Flat?" Donghyuck asked and Min Ji nodded. He turns towards you and smiles.

He looked even brighter when he smiled. It was something you saw often, for Donghyuck is a very jolly and frolicsome person. Every time you saw him in the hallways with his friends, they always seemed to roister around and that alone, was a spiffing view. Donghyuck was exquisite, his pearly whites could blind you if you stared at him for too long. He was the reason of your heart drumming against your chest, and your stomach churning from excitement. He was your little drug, there was no denying that you were addicted.

"Here you are." Min Ji comes back to place another shoe on the floor. Donghyuck tries it on once again and seeks your approval. Lifting a thumbs up, Donghyuck beams and nods at Min Ji. "I'll take the Mika Sky Flat, and the Greggo Flat." Min Ji bows quickly and proceeds to packing the shoes and settling them on the register table.

"Hey darling, try these on." Donghyuck said as he handed you a pair of white sneakers. You looked at him in confusion, and he pushes you towards an empty seat. "Just try it please." He pleads and you sigh. Untying the shoe laces of your Adidas, you slipped it off and slipped on the one that Donghyuck gave you. "It's a little too tight." You said and slipped it off immediately. Donghyuck calls for Min Ji to get a pair in a size bigger, and lets you try it on once more.

"How does it feel darling?" He asked and you smiled. "It's really comfortable. I like it." You said truthfully, slipping it off and putting on your Adidas ones. "Pack this for me please." He says and passes the shoes to Min Ji. "Donghyuck, no. I'll pay for that." You said and Donghyuck shook his head. Both of you argued for a solid 5 minutes before you gave up and Donghyuck placed a soft kiss on your forehead. He walked over to another aisle and came back with another pair of white sneakers. Taking a seat beside you, he tries it on for himself. "Does it look good darling?" He asked once more and you nodded. "It looks good on you, especially if you pair with a fashion casual attire." He smiled and once again, asked Min Ji to pack it up.

Probably satisfied with his shopping, Donghyuck walks over to the counter with one hand behind your back and the other holding on to his wallet. "Mr. Lee, your total comes to 3,900,000 won." Donghyuck hands over his card and pulls you closer to him. In your families, purchases like these, were normal. When everything is handed to you in a silver platter, it's as if everything was possible. But no, it isn't. Not all. Because in the end, money can never buy love, happiness and freedom. And that's why you never enjoyed living the privileged life.

Both of you walked out the store and continued roaming around. After a while, Donghyuck brought you to a restaurant and you had dinner. It was late when he decided to take you home. The car was filled with a comforting silence. Donghyuck's fingers intertwined with yours as he kept the other glued on the wheel. The day passed by pretty quickly. Every time you were with Lee Donghyuck, it's as if the time passes by like a breeze. And soon enough, you were back home, snuggled under your blanket with a soft smile on your lips.

"Goodnight darling. I had fun, and I hope you did too. Sleep tight."

___

You woke up to the sound of murmurs around the mansion and the booming voice of your father. Groaning, you got up from your bed and headed into the bathroom to brush your teeth and cleanse your face. After 30 minutes or so, you descended from the staircase in your Rosamosario robe and foam slippers.

"Congratulations on your engagement Miss Y/N." Haeun, one of your house keeper says as she bows curtly in front of you. Engagement? You were not informed about any engagements. "Engagement?" You asked and she nods firmly. "I suggest you speak with your father. He is having his breakfast in the dining room." She says and you hurriedly walked towards the said room.

Your father sat comfortably in his usual spot, the head of the table. He had his face buried in his newspaper, while his other hand held a cup of green tea. "Y/N." He calls out and settles the paper down. "Father, what is this engagement all about?" You asked.

"Dear, as you already know. I intend for you to take over my place as soon as possible. Since you are graduating next month, I have decided for you to be married 7 months after your graduation. By that time, you will already be 20. Therefore, I have already announced your engagement. Hwang Hyunjin of the Hwang Corporation. As you know, they own 62% of the hospitals throughout the country, which will be a major boost in our business. It's a good unification." He says, not even allowing you to speak your mind about the situation.

"Father. I don't intend to be tied down so soon. Please." You answered and he slams his palms on the table, emitting a loud booming sound that echoes throughout the room. Your father was never one of the patient ones. Neither does he like it when someone opposes him. "Y/N. Whatever I say goes, and you have no choice but to oblige." He says.

Your blood boiled with whatever he said. Sure, you expected this to happen, you were aware of the possibilities of an arranged marriage, for it was ineluctable. But never would you expect it to happen so soon. You were too young to be unified. Let alone be married to someone, you were not even comfortable with, or knew a lot about.

Hwang Hyunjin. He was ethereal. As if ripped from the cosmos and used as a figure to mock unembellished mortals. Aside from Donghyuck's group of friends that caught the attention of the students in campus, there was another. They called themselves Stray Kids. They too had the looks of a god, the figures of well molded objects and the seductive charms of Zeus himself. Hwang Hyunjin was a part of this so-called group. He was divine. His tall, slender figure that towers over the other students, his eyes that turn into slits when he smiles, his pouty lips and his adorable little mole. He was easily good looking. Aside that he was an amazing dancer with such powerful charisma, people tend to drool when they watch him perform on stage. Truthfully, Hwang Hyunjin could be anyone's prince charming. His whole guise screams a character torn from the pages of a fairytale.

Even so, you did not look at him any other way, than simply, an acquaintance. You talked from time to time, but you couldn't really label each other as friends. Unlike Lee Donghyuck, Hyunjin was simply unorthodox. He does not give off that comforting and welcoming vibe like Donghyuck and the Dreamies. Not to be misunderstood, Hyunjin was nice. In fact, he was an angel. He offered you banana milk every time he sees you by the waiting shed, alone and vulnerable. He would sit and wait with you for your chauffeur to pick you up, before he would take his cue to leave. Yet, once again, he was not Lee Donghyuck.

Hwang Hyunjin was and never will be the man to make your heart swell. He could never be the one to make your heart race like how Donghyuck does. He could never make you blush with some silly nickname that has no meaning. He could never burn your lips the way Donghyuck does when he brushes his lips against yours in the most dulcet way. Hwang Hyunjin could never give you that felicity, the way Donghyuck does.

And so, you lay in bed, tears welling to the brim of your eyes as you cast out the agonizing articles that circulated through the internet about your engagement with Hwang Hyunjin. It was bound to happen, you expected it. But why did it hurt this way. Why does each tear that slipped from your eye feel like needles pricking your soft skin? It burned though its tracks and caused your head to pound. Being engaged to Hyunjin is not so bad. He was compassionate, and fun. But why does it hurt thinking about being unified to him?

Could it be that there was someone else in the deepest part of your mind that you wished were the one instead. Probably.

Your phone vibrated from the bedside table. Skeptical about reading the notification, you grabbed the gadget and slowly lifted it up in front of you.

"I really hoped the rejection would come later. But I guess you were too eager to get rid of me huh darling? I wished you could've told me in person though. It's painful to see your face in the media with the caption of engagement, and that man you were getting engaged with was not me. Congratulations darling. Be happy and I hope he treats you well."

Donghyuck, I'm sorry.

___

It's been weeks since the announcement and Donghyuck's message for you. You left him on read for it was painful enough to read. And neither of you were ready to have a deep talk about the announcement. You were too hurt to discuss further about the topic and Donghyuck on the other hand was not in the stable emotional state to talk to you. He was disappointed and deeply afflicted to the point where his friends had to come over to his house and drag him out of bed just to get ready for school. They had a hard time doing so for Donghyuck didn't like the idea of seeing you around in campus while the news kept on coming about your engagement with Hwang Hyunjin.

Everyone in school was shocked about the news, as it was so sudden and rushed. They started interrogating you and due to the suffocating crowd, Hyunjin had to save your vulnerable self from the crowd. It was the first time he actually interacted with you since that announcement. He pulled you towards the cafeteria to have a proper conversation. Unaware of the deadly glares that burned your backs from a certain Lee Donghyuck. He decided to leave school early, since everyone was simply preparing for the graduation, there was no major reason to actually show up, unless you were a part of the organizing committee. His friends tried to stop him, but there's no containing a heart that has been shattered.

"Hey. Are you busy? If not, how would you like a little coffee date?" It was Hyunjin. You smiled bitterly at your screen and sighed. Typing a reply, you got changed into a pair of light washed jeans and an oversized hoodie. Walking over to your shoe rack, your eyes landed on the Christian Louboutin Vieira that Donghyuck bought you weeks ago. It was still new and unused. You decided to only use it when you were with him or alone. The pair meant a lot to you, so you tried your best to keep it untouched. Grabbing the worn out pair of Adidas from the top rack, you slipped it on and walked out of the room.

At the end of the marble staircase was your mother, she had her usual soft look with her matching heartwarming smile. "I'm off to hang out with Hyunjin. I'll be back before dinner." You said as you placed a soft kiss on her cheek. She nods and you leave the house to drive off to Heio's.

Upon arriving, you immediately spotted Hwang Hyunjin. He was wearing a sleeveless white shirt tucked into his black jeans and finishing off with a pair of black sneakers. You walked over to the booth and took a seat in front of you. "What would you like?" He asked as he tapped his card on the table, awaiting your answer.

"Can I get a strawberry milkshake and a slice of the vanilla cake?" You asked and he nodded. He then stood up to head to the counter to place your orders. A few minutes later, he came back with a tray full of food and beverages. "Here's your milkshake and cake." He says and places it in front of you. Smiling, you thanked him as he took his seat opposite you.

"Based on my knowledge, you and Donghyuck hang out here a lot?" You bit back a choke from your throat as you tried desperately to swallow the piece of cake. "Why? Are you my stalker?" You countered and Hyunjin laughed. His voice was pure, with a mixture of a slight hint of depth. He had a genuine laugh, one that could comfort you in chilly nights. But not enough to drown you in your thoughts. "Bold of you to assume I stalk you. I simply come across the both of you when the car passes by on the way back home." He says and you nodded.

"Would you be honest with me Y/N?" Hyunjin says as he sits up straight. You shrugged and continued to sip your milkshake, encouraging him to shoot his question. "Is there something between you and Lee Donghyuck?" He asks and your lips left the straw as if it was burning in flames.

"What makes you conclude that?" You asked and he sneered. "Hey, I asked you first." Rolling your eyes, you leaned on the soft cushion of the booth and crossed your arms over your chest. "Nothing. I like him. That's all. It's one sided." You answered and Hyunjin raised his brow. It was the truth. Whatever you had with Donghyuck, it was and always will be one sided. For you know Donghyuck would never be able to reciprocate that feeling of affection. Sure, he showers you with all these sweet actions, like dates, the confession and the kiss. But it didn't mean that much to him, for Donghyuck was a heartbreaker. He may not think about it, nor it'd be his intention to do so, but you were not stupid enough to believe in his little cantrips. You had no plans in getting hurt, nor getting humiliated, so as hard as it may be, you'd have to let go of the petty feelings and fantasies you had of Lee Donghyuck. For Lee Donghyuck, was, and never will be yours.

"I sincerely doubt that." You puckered your lips and stared at Hyunjin. Indeed, he was ravishing, his cat like eyes, pointed nose, defined jawline and his soft hair that scattered all over his face. Hwang Hyunjin was undoubtedly beautiful, as if a majestic creature that set foot on the Earth. He was a dream come true, consider yourself lucky if he noticed you, for Hyunjin was the realization that perfection did exist. However, you did not seek perfection. You seek a man who spends his money recklessly on shoes and long-sleeved polos. A man who burns your skin with his soft ones. A man who sucks in all your thoughts, thus causing you to lose coherent thoughts when he held your hand and kissed you. And that man was none other than the devil, Lee Donghyuck.

"Listen here sweetheart. As much as I'd love to wake up next to you and have breakfast with you, and do all those married couple things, I never want to be a reason for two lovers to break apart. I know for a fact that Donghyuck loves you, more than you probably know. And I would be genuinely contented, with the thought, that you and Donghyuck could have your happily ever after." Hyunjin says, reaching over the table to grab your hand and placing his over yours, grazing it softly.

"Hyunjin, you know that would never happen. Our families have a long history with each other, and it's not a good one." You said and Hyunjin nods, "Yes, sweetheart I know. But what if both of you are the key to ending that rivalry. Your father can't do anything about it, if you marry Donghyuck, you'd still be the heir to your company. There is no one else that he could pass it to." He was right. You were the last of your entire family line that could inherit the position, so despite your father's decisions, if something were to happen, he has no choice but to pass it on to you.

"Hyunjin-" He smiles and let’s go of your hand, stopping your sentence. "Go sweetheart. Find him and please, confess to him how you truly feel." He says, and with that both of you stood up. He embraced you in a tight hug and you've never felt this grateful before. Hyunjin truly was an angel in disguise.

You ran out of the café and got into your Loire Blue 2020 Jaguar F-Type, driving out into the main road. Grabbing your phone from the cupholder, you dialed Donghyuck's number while keeping a steady eye on the road.

"I'm sorry the number you have dialed is out of reach. Please try again later." Damn it Donghyuck.

You decided to call one of his friends, Jeno's contact popping out of the screen first. "Hello? Y/N?" His voice was soft and confused from the other line. "Hey Jeno, do you have any idea where Donghyuck is?" You asked hopefully and it sounded as if he choked on his own saliva. "Y/N, we haven't been able to contact him for weeks. He refused to answer our calls and messages since the day we went back to school after the announcement. He left school early that day and we haven't been able to find him. His family is worried sick." He says carefully, afraid of possibly making you worry. But it was too late, you already were. "Can you text me a few locations where he could possibly be?" You asked and Jeno agreed. Ending the call, you received a text message from Jeno with 3 locations.

Heio's, Mark Lee's apartment, Football field. Since you just came from Heio's, it was definitely off the list. Jeno said that Donghyuck and Mark are childhood friends and since Mark graduated, he doesn't have much time to hang out with the Dreamies, but Donghyuck stays at his apartment from time to time. You typed in the address to Mark's apartment, which the information was generously disclosed to you by Lee Jeno. As soon as the navigator located it, you stepped harder on the gas pedal and the car bolted through the road. You weren't a bad driver, in fact you were actually one of the best, your parents simply don't like the idea of their little princess zipping across Seoul in a blue Jaguar.

As soon as you arrived, you took the elevator up to the 7th floor, where Mark's apartment was. 716, it was Mark's door. You rang the doorbell and after a while, the door opened, and Mark stood at the opposite side. His jet-black hair covered all over the place and his round glasses slipping off his nose. "Oh, Y/N?" He said and opened the door wider, allowing you to enter. Mark's apartment was cozy, it had a simple white and beige aesthetic, and it was spacious enough for at least 3 people. "If I may ask, what brings you to my apartment?" He asked, as the both of you sat on his leather couch. He handed you a warm cup of water and you accepted it.

"Jeno told me Donghyuck might be here. They've been looking for him for a few weeks. He also told me that they couldn't update you since you were pretty busy with your work so they decided to simply keep it from you. I hope you understand." You said and Mark nodded. His fingers tapping on his lips. Mark Lee was your senior last year. He was older than the 5 of you, followed by Chenle who is currently 19, and Jisung who is 18. The 7 of them were really close, and it was as if Mark was the leader of the pack. He was smart, talented and also good looking. After the graduation, his parents released the statement that he would take over their company which had 2 bases, one in Korea and the other in Canada. Mark has been preoccupied for the past year, preparing for his travel to Canada in order to check up on how the business is there.

"I haven't talked to Donghyuck and the others for a few months now. Like they said, I've been quite busy so I didn't have much time to interact with them. Also, why are you out here searching for him? Have you suddenly become close friends?" Mark knew about the rivalry between the companies, but he never knew about your relationship with Donghyuck. He always considered both of you as acquaintances, but Donghyuck had only mentioned about you and his affection for you this year. So, no, Mark Lee does not know.

"You could say that. But anyways, I've got to look for him. Would you mind if I made my way out?" You asked and Mark stood up with you, shaking his head. "No no, it's totally fine. Update me when you've found him please. Good luck." He says and you exit the apartment.

By the time you got out of the elevator, the sky was dark and the rained poured heavily onto the streets. Pulling your hood over your head, you ran to your car and got in as quick as possible. It was already 20 minutes till 7 and you had one last place to check. You were skeptical about the place but knowing Donghyuck, he spent a lot of time by the empty football field in the school campus. Sighing, you turned on the car and drove off towards the school.

Since it was a Friday night, the school might still be open at this hour since the teachers don't really leave until around 8 or 9 pm. Pulling into the parking lot, you ran towards the field. Despite the heavy rain that drenched your whole body, you tried desperately to search for Donghyuck. There was a figure in the distance, he was standing there, a ball between his legs and he simply stared at it. His hands were shoved into his pocket. You continued to walk towards it and as you got closer, you realized who it was. It was him. Lee Donghyuck.

"Donghyuck." You whispered softly and he turns to look at you. He looked so sick. His lips were pale, his eyes had bags under them and his beautiful smile, it was no longer there. He too, was drenched from head to toe. "Darling." You teared up with the mere mention of his nickname for you. He smiled and pulled you into his embrace. It was welcoming and comforting, it somehow made you feel warmer and fuzzy. Donghyuck always felt like home, he was that someone you craved to hold on to during scary nights when lightning lit up the skies followed by the ear-piercing roar of thunder. He was your escape from this harsh world, for Donghyuck had always felt so right.

"Darling, please just stay with me. I can't live a life wherein you're married to some other man. I know how you feel about me darling. I know you feel the same way. Please stop denying it." He whispers. His chin was on top of your head, your heart churned at the sound of his voice. He was in agony, and you knew that. His voice, it sounded like that of a broken plea, it sounded so hoarse and it pained you to see him in this state. This was not the Lee Donghyuck that took you on dates, he was not the ebullient and stentorian Lee Donghyuck that walked by the school hallways. He was the damaged, afflicted Lee Donghyuck that you created. You were the reason why Donghyuck skipped school and refused to talk with his friends. You were the cause as to why the sunshine aura that he once possessed, dimmed and finally burned away. You were to blame for Donghyuck's current state.

"Donghyuck. I'm so sorry." You started. Pulling away from him, your small hands cupped his face and you stared at him deeply. He was burdened, in a maze of misery, wandering around to search for salvation wherein only you could be. He skipped meals, lacked sleep and was almost never home due to the torment that he brought upon himself. He blamed himself for being too late to claim your hand. It was because he was petrified of the rejection that might occur, as to why he never got to fully express himself to you. For Lee Donghyuck loved you very much, yet he was agitated to manifest how he truly felt for you, thus causing you to slip away from his grasp.

"Donghyuck, I'm here. I will stay with you. I will fight for you Donghyuck, for I love you too much to let go of. I will talk to my father, it's you who I desire Lee Donghyuck." And with that, Donghyuck smiled. He pulls you back into his embrace, his arms trapping your smaller frame in his, afraid of letting go, afraid that you might slip away once more. He cups your cheeks in his hand and presses his lips against yours. Tiptoeing, your arms hung loosely on Donghyuck's neck as you shared a deep and passionate kiss with the one who you truly longed for. After a while, he pulled away and presses your foreheads together.

"Darling, I love you." He whispers and crashes his lips on to yours, once more.

Kissing Donghyuck is like exploding fireworks in the sky. He just felt so right. The way both your lips moved in perfect harmony and how his fingers gripped on your waist tightly, it was like you were floating in heaven. Donghyuck had and always will have this effect on you, and only him. Only Lee Donghyuck could bring you this high, only he could render your mind useless, and only he could leave you breathless. For Lee Donghyuck was the only one who could make you feel this way. Lee Donghyuck was a mix of euphoria and affliction. Yet, you would willingly burn with him in flames, for you lived and breathed for Lee Donghyuck, and with that, he could do anything he wanted to you. He could love you until his last breath, or he could hurt you until you'd wither away. Lee Donghyuck was your first and last love. You'd fight the world, in order to be with your illicit desire, to be with Lee Donghyuck.

-The End-

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captain-ed-tucker · 5 years ago

Text

The True Maniac

You are the chosen one, they say. You are meant to be the savior of the world, they say. All those words, they are my company every day, day after day, they follow me, stalk me, haunt me everyday of my life, it's almost insane. Wait...it IS insane. Funny you should say that really cause ya know, I knew this gal the other day who had a hot ass and gosh she was cute and I could go on and on...oh...oops...I went on one of my rants again. I'm sorry. I'm rude. I should start again. My name is Johnny Lawrence and you are probably one of the voices and people that come through my head each and every day, you all keep me company, it's kinda sweet, but in a creepy way. But I'm the step son of Sid Weinburg, he's the CEO of Texaco and Time Warner, yes, that guy on TV that asks you for more subscriptions, that creepy greasy guy is my step dad, funny you should ask why the bloody hell am I related to that guy in the first place. Ah, it's a long story really, I hope you have patience cause I'm probably gonna ramble and ramble and go off on maniac induced episodes where my thoughts might not connect with my words and my stories may seem more fantastical than usual, it's all up to you to whether to believe me or not, I don't care if you don't, nobody has believed me in a long while.

You still here? Wow. I'm suprised, most voices and people tend to go away after awhile, you are creepy as hell, after my imaginary dead brother York, who by the way never existed, nor was ever born. I hope for the sake of my story, no York was ever born in San Francisco, it's highly unlikely, but hey, you never know.

Oh and by the way, I lost my girlfriend becuase of a BLIP, lost my title for the All Valley Championship cause I was concussed and dizzy and hallucinating, only to be fucking crane kicked in the face. But hey, at least I have a job as a Rad Tech and am living on my own, so ha! You can't call me a basement dweller since I live in a apartment all by myself overlooking the ocean and ninety percent of the time, I see tourists hanging out there taking selfies and making out like it is some sort of lover's nest. Ugh, I guess I get what I pay for...literally...I got this place on the cheap side with the help of AdBuddy since I could barely afford it on my own and rent is fucking up my savings, like C'mon, stop fucking me up here damn it! And not to mention the fact that my REAL step brother's trial Ryan Weinberg, who has been accused of sexual harassment at the workplace and I was named as a witness, my step dad wants me to lie on the stand...can I do that? I mean... that just feels so wrong, very wrong. Tell me I'm not the only one that I'm feeling this way, cause I have no idea what to do next.

Oh...great Jed is here, wait just a minute while I talk to him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh Johnny, just here to deliver your latest mission, the details will be soon revealed as you go."

"Don't you think this is not the right time?"

"Oh but it is."

"Oh and by the way, you will have a handler, she has a certain Jai sais ne qoui about her. You will know her when you see her...DON'T FUCK THIS UP!"

Okay...now Jed has left and I'm still stuck with you. You have this intense, scruffy look about you...I can tell you really are a curious person, you aren't like the others before...that's interesting. Most have tried to change me, give me orders or tell me that I'm chosen or some bullshit...some of those days I'm convinced of that bullshit and actually believing it, the scariest part is not hearing a lie, it's believing the lie and perpetuating the lie. I get up and head to my apartment and flick all my pills that are there to "fix" me...you can't fix what is broken and I am broken.

I also find the package for Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology. Odd...they never send me anything, I haven't even heard of them at all. It is scary and creepy though, I wonder if the FBI is watching me, I might close the curtains and I should...you think I could be watched...right? I...I feel like everything has eyes and cameras and ears and mics and all the tech in the world to enhance interrogate me before I have a chance to defend myself...wait...the phone is ringing...I have to pick it up, just wait here ok?

"He...hello? Who is this?"

"This is Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology research institute inc. Speaking, we are here to speak to you becuase you have been chosen as a "Hero" Candidate"

"Well...what DOES a hero candidate do?"

"Well we have them do experiments that others normally do not do and we treat all sorts of problems, including prostate problems"

"Popcorn problems?"

"Yes popcorn problems."

"Thank you...I'll consider it."

I hang up the phone in utter confusion and now you are looking at me like I'm an idiot! STOP STARING AT ME JOHN KREESE! STOP!

END OF PART ONE

I get up and, oh...fuck, you are there again, well done you asshole, you are still with me. Oh well, I don't have time to yell and holler at you, I have to get ready and go to work and then head over to my parents house, my brother is celebrating his engagement to Adelade and they are going to announce a wedding date and it all is amongst this scandal of his sexual harassment of a clerk. I have no ideas what I feel or where I stand anymore.

Work is a boring affair as you can tell, you're already doing your kiyakis and forward thrust punches and I'm busy as hell scanning patients and I have lots of paperwork, not to mention the decontamination process I have to go through every day just for health purposes so I'm not literally emitting X Rays by the time I leave the hospital.

Getting rides on the tube to my parent's mansion is very expensive for now since my budget has been tightened becuase I went on a mania induced spending spree and I racked up so many charges and fees from gambling with the furries and casinos are never happy to see me, I never understood why that was the case.

Regardless, I have to call on an AdBuddy and he soon comes over and inserts funds into my account, but in exchange, I have to view a bunch of ads that are read aloud by the AdBuddy and one of them is about Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology. Neberdine is everywhere...the pattern is the pattern, there is a larger force at work here and I'm sure of it. I know it, I can feel it at work, it's a bit mysterious to others, but not me, I'm the only one who understands how this works at all.

I can see you have cleaned up real nicely for the occasion and I thank you for that, I have to admit Sensei, you really look handsome in a suit, it really suits you...get it? Hahaha! Oh...I see you don't get the joke? Oh...ok, oh well then. I then go in and hand my coat to the butler and head up the stairs through the foyer and then meet my parents, my step mom and my step dad, both are looking regal tonight since their oldest firstborn is celebrating his engagement again since my "Incident". I hate to admit it but the nieces and nephews are the only reason I even bother show up to family functions at all, I hate this fake, plastic family filled with Barbies and Ken's, I want something more than this Kreese...but what is it I want?

Soon my brother Ryan is busy singing and wooing Adelade and she's smiling and tearing up and all that sappy shit, I wonder if she's marrying him for the money, I would hate for that to happen to Ryan, I had my own experience with Ali Mills and it didn't end well at all.

Soon the adults want to play balderdash but honestly, I feel suffocated and I wanted out of here as soon as possible, the fakeness was getting to me and I can hear them begging me

"Aw cmon! You used to love balderdash"

"Balderdash is fun!"

"Really? What's wrong, play with us!"

"Please play with us! Just one round! I promise!"

At that, I just can't stand it anymore, there is a roaring fury in me that explodes and I yell at the top of my lungs

"BALDERDASH IS STUPID! IT'S BULLSHIT!"

One of my nieces burst out in tears and I can only look on in guilt as as my other brother Andrew glares at me angrily, great...another brother that hates me...fun. I storm out and I see you following me, why do you follow me? Leave me alone, just let me get a smoke, at that moment I can see one of the dog shit cleaners whirr by, it's a small machine the height of my ankle and it sucks in the shit and sprays the sidewalk clean and I walk past and go home...I have to do this, this is everything I will do, to sign up for the trial and to cast you out for good, you had a great run but you need to fuck off.

I arrive at a grey concrete bulding with narrow Rainbow stripes running up the side and I can see the sign of the bulding is in Japanese and I enter and a Japanese woman coldly greets me and hands me a clipboard filled with paperwork, judging on the amount I have, I'm gonna be here a long time just filling out papers. Fuck my life. Another guy next to me adds "Ooo five bombs eh? See that? That's where the money comes from." Sure enough, there are five bomb logos printed on it and I add

"Is it safe?"

"Hell no! The more dangerous, the more money! That is usually how it goes."

I look down at the form and then sign it and turn it in and the intercom says

"Johnny Lawrence to intake exam room four"

The Asian woman bows before me and I bow back and I sit down in the chair, I'm apparently going to be strapped to a lie detector machine. The blood pressure cuff is slipped on my arm and a pulse ox device is placed on my finger and a galvanic skin response device is placed across my chest, she then asks me to tell her how I feel when I see a series of photos. I can hear the clicking of the machine as the metal needles move up and down the paper, leaving trails of red, recording my reactions and my responses and she starts with the first photo which is a bottle of pills and I reply

"Poisoned"

The next picture is of a family, sitting around a table and enjoying a meal and I reply

"Suffocated"

I then see a ink blot and I reply

"Confused."

The test goes on and soon she says "I want you to turn your attention towards me as I ask you this final question." And I look up into her expressionless eyes and I hear a ding and the green light next to me lights up and she said "Congratulations, you have passed the test, you are now in the ULP Phase III trial." She bowed at me and I bowed one last time and I left the exam room, perplexed at what was the final question. I sit down, holding my badge that is labeled with the number 1 on it and as I look up, I see a man I never thought I would ever see again in the flesh, Daniel LaRusso and he is yelling at a test protocor screaming "This is bullshit and you know it! PATRICIA LUGO!" And he storms off after the woman that handed me the clipboard, I don't know what does he want with her but FUCKK!!! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! DAMMIT!

End of part Two

I get up for the day and I stretch the kinks and massage my knee, fuck, that knee has been giving me so much chronic pain for so long, I have resorted to opiates to at least bring the edge down, it doesn't help much with my life, I don't have a job becuase I'm labeled a "Drug addict."

I'm a drug addict for trying to relive chronic, never ending pain from the shattered knee, it's the same knee that suffered a devastating injury at the tournament and yet I managed to defeat Lawrence, Chozen worsened the injury and when I worked in construction, an accident shattered the knee and now I have to put it in a brace so it doesn't cave in on the weight that I put on my knee.

I slip on the brace and grab a stack of magazines and some cash and walk to the nearby store and ask for some cigarettes, the clerk asks me how I am going to pay and I snap

"I'm gonna pay with an AdBuddy."

"No AdBuddy payments accepted here."

I groan and pull out what little change I have and I slam it on the countertop and then he hands me my cigars and I light them, soon I feel a bliss sink over me as I limp back to the shared apartment I have with the others and I run to my room...I NEED THAT PILL! I want to suffer in a way that my knee can never give me suffering, this is the suffering that makes me scream and want to tear out my soul and I have begged for death so many times, but really, I am alone.

San Francisco is a boring as hell city, I moved here when my mom died seven years ago, I gave up hoping for healing, my opioids and my cigarettes were all I ever needed now a days. I swipe the drawer open and open the bottle. The pill is shaped in the letter "A" and I sigh, this is my last pill. I say

"This is it, you are my last pill, then it's fuck you forever."

I then sit on the couch in the cramped and messy living room and I grab the remote control and mash the pill up and snort it all up and gosh...I'm in it.

I wake up hours later, I'm in tears yes, but I am alive, this pain reminds me that I am alive, that I am breathing and that I am fighting, that I'm still awake and that I'm still ok. But I have to pay someone a visit, someone I haven't visited in forever, someone that I haven't spoken to in forever.

I then go to my wallet and yell at my roommate

"Who stole my money?"

"Well you haven't paid your share of the rent in two months!"

"MAYBE IT'S BECUASE I HAVE CHRONIC PAIN AND I CAN'T WORK! I'M ON DISABILITY!"

Oh wow...way to go you son of a bitch, you had to screw that up. Well then, let's try another tactic, the puppy brown eyes and some pleasing.

"Well can I at least have twenty bucks?"

"Well then, fine take some. Calm down junkie!"

Oh Fuck you bitch, like you had your knee kicked in and your knee crushed by some careless truck driver who was high on No-Doze to realize you were nearly under the fucking truck.

I snatch the bill from her hand and I go to my cousin Louie's home, as usual, he is in his A-Void pod, that antisocial idiot hates everybody, well I need his money and I need it now, I'm a man on a mission and nothing is going to stop me. One problem, he changed the combination to the safe and I grunt and I head out to the backyard and i find the pod and press the button and say

"Hey Cousin? How are you?"

A mechanical click and then he replies

"Fine."

I snort

"Your yard looks like a fucking mess."

And it literally is a fucking mess.

"Oh um...what's the combination to the safe."

Another click and a whirr and he replies

"I changed the combination to the safe."

"Thanks for the information Captain Obvious. So what is it?"

"Your birthday."

Really? Fuck you.

"I brought you something to eat."

"Applejacks?"

"Yea."

I slam the cereal on the table top in the dining room which looks like it has seen better days, I step over rubbish and junk from the good old days and I then enter the combination and then I grab the money and then leave, funny how my cousin used to be married until his wife was shot to death while coming back to work, I guess in a way, he can't move on from his loss like I can't move on from mine.

I stand at the bus station, ready to buy the bus ticket to Newark, but as soon as I want to enter the bus station, I want the A pill, I want it so badly, I can't resist the urge and I mutter a "Fuck you" and run off. I'm so ashamed and angry, I am weak and pathetic, that's all I'll ever be.

I approach my friend Kamreon who is playing chess with a foul mouthed furrie and the man is winning and Kameron is my source of these pills, I know that he can get me to them, I know so. I approach him and I ask

"I need more A pills."

"I can't, these pills are really hard to procure! These are from my dad's work!"

"Then how do I get into Neberdine?"

"Sign up for a study, help my dad make millions, for all I know, you could be testing deodorant for a week."

Fuck no, I am NOT going that route, to just end up testing deodorant, no way!

"Gimme a name Kameron! Any name!"

I slide over a one hundred dollar bill and he sighs and gives in before replying

"Patricia Lugo, and can I say something as your friend?"

"Yeah?"

"You sound like a junkie."

I roll my eyes and reply

"I am NOT a junkie!"

And I run off to a store that can dox that woman and give me something to work with.

End of part three

I soon arrive at the doxxing shop and a bored Asian man looks up at me and asks

"What can I do?"

I look to the side before scribbling onto a notepad and hold it up to the Plexar glass barrier and the unamused looking man adds

"Can't read your shit writing."

I roll my eyes before adding

"Lugo. Patricia Lugo of Neberdine Pharmaceuticals and Biotechnology."

A few clicks of the keyboard later and a click of a mouse and he continues

"Patricia Lugo was arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication, had her arrest records wiped by ZipDox in order to get the job at Neberdine. But, ZipDox's records can be easily unscrubbed and that's why I call ZipDox, ShitDox. If you want more, you gotta pay us more than she paid ShitDox to get her records scrubbed. I'll say...500 dollars, and you get a free calendar as a frequent customer."

I sigh and slip the Bill's under the glass partition and he hands the calendar over and then adds further

"Patricia Lugo lost custody of her daughter Usnavy after the arrest and her daughter goes to Hunter College. I could have her daughter kidnapped, I know a few guys with a white van."

I shake my head, I don't want anybody hurt, that's the last thing I want, for anybody to get hurt in my search, my quest for the A pill. Nobody should get caught up in my quest for me to drown myself in self-misery and self-pity. He then adds

"It also says she has a FriendProxy appointment at the Bonsai Gardens."

"I'll be there."

"Ooo interception. Sneaky I see."

He smiles snidely and I pay up and leave and then I cancel her FriendProxy appointment and get a lapel pin with a FriendProxy logo on it and then I stride over to the gardens, they remind me again of someone I lost, someone I cared about, someone who meant so much to me in a fatherly way, the bonsai trees remind of him so much, it is really painful, and suddenly, she comes over and embraces me, breaking me from my thoughts and she says without a second thought.

"Remember when we met here? At this same place?"

"Oh yeah...oh yeah, all the beautiful Bonsai trees. They remind me of so much."

"I wonder what are you talking about? I was talking about the moment we met? Remember when we also went to Chinatown and we went over the Golden Gate Bridge?"

"Oh yeah, and I remember when we went to see my uncle Liam."

"Now who the fuck is Uncle Liam?"

That question brings my thoughts to a screeching halt as she continues:

"Honey? Are you ok? What are your ratings? You do not seem compatible at all."

I'm fucking pissed off, I'm not compatible with anyone and to hell with that bullshit talking lady! All she seems to do is yammer off on a tangent that I sure as hell do not talk about. Before I can stop myself, I cut her off and say:

"Listen up, I'm here to fuck your life up, I canceled your FriendProxy appointment and I'm here to ruin you forever."

She is taken aback and shocked, she seemed a bit stunned by what I was saying and I'm not sure how to react to that as she slowly digests the information and she adds

"What are you talking about."

And what am I talking about? I haven't a fucking clue at all. Perhaps it's the drugs or the energy that's fizzling out but I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, I have no idea how the hell am I supposed to get her to funnel me at all, I quickly walk away to a hall overlooking a pond where koi fish swim around and I see her again and she says

"You know, you remind me of my daughter. She's just like you. Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are so you desperate to join Neberdine?"

#billy zabka #dutch karate kid #karatekid #karate #the karate kid #johnny x daniel #daniel larusso

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matt-masterss · 4 years ago

Text

Only two people have ever had this expressed to them in my life. I don’t expect a single soul to ever read this. But I hope me writing this will somehow help me.

It all started when my mom died when I was 4. That was the first time someone left and never came back. First time being abandoned. I still try and deal with that everyday. Never understanding or knowing what it’s like to have a mother and someone who loves you in a way only they can. My entire life it’s been a weird mystery and concept to me.

From there people just came and went out of my life like it was nothing. Never really bugged me until I realized that’s not really how it should be.

My dads alive, but not necessarily a parent in the normal sense of the term. He was always trying to be a friend more than anything. He tried his best. But the drugs and the trauma didn’t help much.

I always had this idea of unconditional love in my mind. What it meant or should be. Wanting nothing but the person you love to be happy, doing anything for them, not asking for anything in return, no secret motives. just happy to be with them. Through the good and bad times. It was something I feel like I never experienced from family.

I tried to find that in friends and lovers growing up. Doing things at a very young age that most people don’t to try just to impress others. Drugs, sex, hanging out with the older kids, extreme sports, dress certain ways.

That all changed when I was about in 9th grade. I brought some kids some alcohol to school to try and impress them and become friends. But they were just using me and lied. They ended up getting caught with it and snitching on me the moment they could to try and not get in trouble. The principles understood my background and were very lenient with me. I was getting good grades, a like able person, just another kid in the system who was felt a shitty hand. And I got kicked out of school for a while.

During that time I realized how I was sick of not being my self, trying to please others, letting other people sway my opinion so much because I just wanted to be liked. I never really got attention at home in that way.

I almost died that summer when I ripped open my kidney and liver. I didn’t realize how much I truly hated where I lived until after that. People only checked up on me so they could post about it on social media, my step mom stealing my pain pills that I needed to be able to function while my organs healed, going into high school with a “fresh” start. Not really knowing anyone.

I tried killing my self once school started. I remember it so vividly to where I can still remember every smell, the look in my classmate Quinn’s eyes when he realized what I was going to do, the feeling of the gun in my mouth. I was listening to king park from la dispute. Quinn looked at me and asked what I was doing and what I was listening too. We were in class and supposed to be taking a test but I was jsut dissociating and not doing anything.

I remember looking at him and told him none of this shit matters. No ones going to see me after tomorrow anyways. after that he never talked to me again. At least not the same way. He was a nice guy. Probably could’ve been a good friend. After school I went home. Little brother was taking a nap, my dad asleep on the couch, and Justine was gone some where. So I made my move, I knew my dads combination to his gun safe and where the key was. I was so numb yet full of adrenaline. I grabbed his 9mm that I knew always had hollow points in it. I figured it would make the chance of survival less.

I wrote a note explaining my reasoning and left. Went to the river trail that was just down the street. Skating down the side walk with the wind at my back almost pushing me to go faster and get it over with. “Can i still get into hevan if I kill my self” a lyric that’ll always be burned into my mind. I got to the trail and walked into the tree line. Pulled back the rail and turned the safety off. Had the pistol lined up in my mouth to go right through my brain. I pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. So I kept pulling it over and over. The gun was empty. I was so preoccupied with getting it I didn’t even think about if bullets were actually in there.

I’m grateful it was empty. I’m grateful I didn’t kill my self that day. It made me realize a lot about my self and needing help. Wanting more out of life, to be my self, to not be so sad, to live a great life, make as many memories as possible, to help others. I brought back the gun. Burned the note. And acted like nothing happened.

I focused on school and friends. Then she came along. Rylee, the first girl I ever opened up to and romantically fell for. Little did I know she would physically abuse me, use me, and manipulate me. After about a year I broke it off. I was hurt and confused. I know relationships come and go but I never understood why I was treated like I was.

If I wasn’t good enough

If I could’ve done more

I was a fucking kid.

Sometime later came Cherikee. We had known each other since elementary school. She had been with one of my friends for years and they split up. We started hanging out the summer of 2015. And I fell in love. We fell in love. She trusted me and i felt like I could try and trust her. We went through hell together. Graduating high school, family violence, my self harm and eating disorder, her self harm and eating disorder. I always came out on the other end stronger. And for a while she did too. We moved in together after high school. Her family accepted me as one of their own and I’ll always be so grateful for that. But things changed, people always change that’s just a part of life and growing up. I learned that from a very young age. She was undiagnosed but we always knew she had a mood disorder. I learned everything I could about mental health and psychology because I wanted to help. She didn’t want her family to know and didn’t want therapy. I begged for years to get help. But she’s never listened. You can’t change people or make them do things they don’t want to. So I was patient. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I was ready for it all.

2020 was a hell of a year. That’s when everything changed. She cheated on me, lied to me, and so much more. I was shattered and in denial that the one person I thought I could trust and call home would do that. I wasn’t perfect. I had my own baggage and god knows I tried and still try to never put my own shit on others. So I left. She didn’t want me anymore. It hurt, I was shattered, but I decided to focus on me. Lost weight, reconnected with my brother who other than my grandma are the only people I can say love me. I have no spite or anger towards her. I still think she’s a good person.

Things were going okay. Working through trauma, focusing on work. Coming to terms with maybe I’m not good at love or deserve love. I wasn’t hateful or have spite. That’s just not who I am. I always think the best of people or at least try. But my trust for people was gone. I did what I did best. Started to lose my self a bit and go numb. Got lost in hookups and woman. Knowing that I didn’t want to fall for anyone or have a connection with anyone. But sex has always been a vice for me. I don’t self harm anymore, eating disorder is taken care of, I’ve had too much trauma and failed attempts of suicide with drugs to want to do those.

So nicotine, caffeine, and sex. My vices.

I met this girl. With green eyes that could ruin your life or make it in a single glance. I didn’t think anything of it.

We talked for a few days and I thought “okay we’re going to meet up and maybe become friends, probably just hook up and then she’ll leave or I’ll push away”.

Fuck I was wrong.

I remember sitting on my porch frantically chain vaping this nasty menthol gas station vape waiting for you to come over. You pulled up in that car with those “badass” custom wheels. You came up and that’s when I first heard your voice in person. It was weird all I could think was how pretty it was.

We went to my room and I remember you asking if it was cool to you vaped. I’m so beyond addicted and didn’t care so I said it was fine. And then the flood gates opened. We talked for hours. Well you talked for hours more like it. And I was so lost in you. Your voice, your story. We started hanging out and talking more. Not every day but every other night.

We bonded over music, long car rides, coffee, life, our dark sense of humor, our big hearts, and the way we connected physically. There were no feelings romantically. We were just having fun and became friends.

I remember when you invited me to your brothers football game. Meeting your family. Your mom and dad sitting on opposite sides of the field. Having to shuffle between both of them to make sure none of them get their feelings hurt. Seeing how everything affected you. Then I met your friends. All your family.

We opened up in ways that neither of us had really been comfortable too with others. It was refreshing and nice. You met my friends and family. We went on a trip out of state together. And we were just having fun. And then we both caught feelings. Quick. I told you I wasn’t ready for anything like that and you said you weren’t either. We pushed it aside and kept doing our thing. Getting to know each other more In the coming months. You’d drive an hour just to see me. I’d do the same for you too.

I told you I loved you in November. I remember how vulnerable I felt. Even thinking about having feelings in that way and trusting someone. But I had this weird blind trust in you that I’d never had before. November 12th is when you said it back. I’ll always remember that. Curse of a semi photographic memory. I asked you to be my girlfriend on decemember 4th.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy. You are still attached to your ex, trying to figure out who you are and what you want. But nothing we couldn’t get through because were happy with each other and always on the same page naturally. It was always just so easy with no stress or pressure. I got too comfortable though. My priorities started to shift more than yours. I fell. And fuck I fell hard. It scared me. Thoughts you were just going to leave. Which I understand happens. People love and then don’t. People come and then go. A cycle I’ve seen my entire life.

I smothered you and didn’t give you space out of my own insecurities of not being enough I think. I’m not exactly sure when things changed. We had only been in each other’s life’s for six months. And things got serious quick. For both of us. I could see where things were going. I had felt this before. It sent me in this mind set I’d never been. And it disgusted me. You broke up with me because you wanted to better your self. Be single. Do your thing. And then it was like I wasn’t there but I was watching everything happen.

I pushed you away and scared you. a woman who had been through just as much If not more than me. And it sucked. Seeing the pain. Realizing how much I have to work on for my self. To never let something like that happen again. Out of all the abandonment, the hurt, trauma, trust issues. Almost none of it compares to hurting the girl with the green eyes. I’ve let go. Moving forward and maybe at some point we can just be friends. But it’s too soon for after everything that happened. Me becoming toxic like I never have. First time I’ve ever been the one to fuck up or honestly be toxic. Never again.

I’ve cycled through my whole life the past few weeks almost like watching a movie. Of reasons to not trust others, never get close, not open up. But it’s not how I want to live and it’s not a way to live. Refocusing on putting my self first. Not falling into cycles with vices again. Being healthy, truly healthy whatever that means.

I’m happy to experience emotions the way I have and feel the way I’ve felt. The ups and downs. Life’s about experiences. And it’s a beautiful thing. If somehow you read this don’t mind me stealing this.

It was all good until it wasn’t.

And well, that’s okay. Maybe I’m addicted to the idea of love. I don’t know. I’ve had to look at my self a lot lately and figure out where to go from here.

Not knowing what I really want to do with my life and where I want it to go. So I’m focusing on friends, myself, being truly okay being alone, not ever relying on others, not letting anyone sacrifice anything for me. I don’t want to hurt anyone like I have in my life. Hurting mentally can be so much more than physical pain. It can make physical pain.

I don’t really know how to end this other than it’ll be okay. Not being okay is okay. Needing help sometimes is okay. And putting your self first is hard. But it’ll be okay. Everything happens for a reason I guess. And letting go is okay.

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gaiatheorist · 7 years ago

Text

Universal Credit.

It sounded fine in principle, from a distance, the simplification of something like six existing benefits into one, that clarity and cohesion, instead of fragmented, separate departments, working on individual elements, in isolation. Holistic is good, ‘better together’ is good. It’s not ‘together’, it’s not ready, and it’s not fit for purpose. It’s a ‘flagship’, I suppose the Titanic was, too.

I’ll avoid the obvious “I, Daniel Blake.” references, I’m not shoplifting tampons, I’ve stockpiled enough to see me through a couple of months, there’s the possibility that the anxiety, and the fact that I’m not really eating will pause that inconvenience anyway. We live in hope.

The issues with Universal Credit, and there are many, all seem, to me, to stem from the fact that the parties who implemented it have never been poor. On paper, on linear flow-charts, in that far-away land of secure employment and adequate savings, it’s just a bit of belt-tightening, a bit of budgeting and planning. ‘Just’ is why I’m tapping away here, rather than in the comments sections of the news websites. ‘Just’ get a job, ‘just’ use own-brand, ‘just’ put another jumper on, and close the doors between rooms, to keep the heat in. Personally, there are a lot of things I can’t ‘just’ do, I have Acquired Brain Injuries, every element of my life requires additional adaptations and intricate risk assessments. That’s my problem, not Universal Credit’s, and, most of the time, my ‘work coach’ remembers. Sometimes she forgets, and goes onto auto-pilot, reading out call-centre or bar-work jobs from her screen, and I have to remind her about my limitations. I’ve been lucky so far, she knows I’m falling through the gaps in the UK disability assessment system, she’s human, I’m lucky not to have been allocated a ‘coach’ keen to sanction me. That’s even more of a fear now, as the months tick by, and my bank-balance dwindles. Universal Credit doesn’t cover my outgoings, which certainly aren’t champagne and caviar.

I was one of the guinea-pigs in my locality. Single, no ‘dependant’ children, because he’s 19, I still fed and housed him over his endless university summer break, though, chipping away incrementally at what was left in the bank. ‘We’ single-no-dependants, ‘new claims’ were the test cohort, starting the work-coaches off with the easiest group, and the ones who would cause less media furore. Expendables, with no raggedy-urchin children to tug at heart-strings. ‘Just find another job.’, I imagine some of the less complicated clients did just that, rather than wait months for their allowances to be paid. That’s wholly intentional, from my perspective, why jump through hoops if you ‘can’ just drop into another job? Even if that job is fluctuating agency-hours, or zero-hours on minimum wage. Nobody really spoke very much in that first ‘group session’, while the chipper work-coaches patronised us, about ‘logging hours’, and ‘phoning the helpline’ if we were unavailable for any reason. We’re ‘available’ for ‘any suitable work, over £7.50 an hour, within 90 minutes of home, for up to 48 hours a week’, on pain of sanctions. My phone, or email could notify me of a vacancy or mock-interview at any time, and I’d be obligated to apply, even if it was night-shift work in a factory two bus-rides away. (One of the complications of my disability is cognitive fatigue, most commonly in the evening, I’m not altogether functional after about 6pm, and actually present a risk of harm to self or others after about 8pm.)

Some of the guinea-pigs will have thought “Sod this.”, and found work. Some of the guinea-pigs will have realised that this system isn’t like the old systems, there’s no capacity for ‘fiddle work’, where they might previously have ‘signed on’ fortnightly, whilst still working cash-in-hand. The old systems were flawed, and susceptible to abuse, the constantly-available clause in the ‘claimant commitment’ is a tool to weed out fraudulent claims, but we’re all tarred with the same brush. I have an increasingly debilitating paranoia that I’ll get a notification while I’m in a counselling appointment, with my phone on silent, or hanging laundry out at the top of the garden, where I have no phone-signal. Constant, niggling anxiety. (’Just get a prescription for Prozac.’ What if I get a notification while I’m at the surgery, though? This strand of anxiety is purely situational, I can’t go ‘off sick’ from work-searching with anxiety, or ‘stress related disorder’, because the DWP would see being-in-work as a solution. Catch 22.)

Guinea-pigs aside, the press are in a frenzy about Universal Credit now because the ‘full implementation’ is due, and the system has been proven ineffective. There will, I suspect, be trite, throw-away comments about ‘teething problems’ and such, but I have leaflets in my training portfolio from about 2010 warning that the roll-out would cause issues. This is not new-news, it has been in the public domain for years, but it’s only now, at the 11th hour, that voices are being raised. I worked with the families that are about to be devastated by the roll-out, so have a different understanding of the potential issues to the far-away policy-makers. I wrote to my MP, outlining some of my concerns for his constituents, his secretary was surprisingly helpful.

The application is electronic. I frequently overhear telephone calls in the Job Centre (It’s open-plan, and my brain injuries come with hyper-acute hearing, I’m not ‘listening’, I can just hear them.) “Yeah, no, that’s not us now, you have to do it online.” ‘Everyone’ has a stable internet connection at home, now, don’t they? Wait, what, ‘some’ people only have mobile internet, on pay-as-you-go phones, or no internet at all? Well, they can ‘just’ go to the library, and use one of the £1-an-hour computers there, or one of the four available terminals in the Job Centre. The Job Centre is going to be very noisy very soon, because the Working Tax Credit, or Child Tax Credit claimants are going to have to bring their small children in with them. Thirty hours of free childcare, because people-like-us can’t afford to pay a nanny Splendid, except it doesn’t actually work, the nurseries can’t afford to subsidise it. There’s a potential side-rant here, that certain sectors of the population will see ‘working mothers’ as demonic, they ‘should’ be at home, in an apron, ‘making memories’ and doing enrichment activities. Nice work if you can afford it, but the vast majority of the population can’t survive on a single income. Dear lord, there’ll be the usual ‘single parent’ uproar, won’t there, with the preconceptions and assumptions.

Some people won’t have internet access. Some people won’t have the IT skills to navigate the systems. I’m fairly IT literate, but I still have the occasional cold sweat when it looks like my evidence hasn’t saved properly, there was a security conflict with the site I’m tasked with accessing daily after the last Windows update on my laptop, it’s intermittent now, some people don’t have a back-up device. Some people won’t have the literacy skills, or the numeracy skills to navigate the systems, there must have been an assumption that every UK citizen has functional literacy, they don’t, I’ve worked with them. An hour on the library computers, or the Job Centre terminals might as well be trying to read Chinese for some people. An hour on mobile internet, what does that cost on pay-as-you-go, and how long before the phone credit runs out, meaning claimants can’t return calls about interviews? (The ‘Universal Jobmatch’ site might as well be trying to read Chinese sometimes, it’s copy-pastes from various other jobs-boards, the formatting goes all over the place, the links don’t work, there’s no proof-reading in evidence, and multiple copy-pastes of ‘Internal applicants only.’ My literate frustration is an inconvenience, less-literate claimants will spend hours applying for unattainable vacancies.) If you forget, or mis-key your password, you can be locked out of your account, and have to set up a new email address to re-register.

The ‘waiting period’ seems to be the factor under scrutiny in the press at the moment, I genuinely can’t remember exactly how it was explained to me, because I was in floods of tears at the indignity of claiming benefits for the first time in my life. I think the woman said “You stand your first week, they’re ‘waiting days’, then you’re paid four-weekly.” (Four weekly in arrears, and the transfer-method can take a week, on paper, it’s six weeks between applying and receiving funds. There’s no mention of the fact that the ‘claim’ doesn’t start from you hitting ‘submit’ on your application, but from you presenting yourself for your first appointment at the Job Centre, with all of the requisite proof-of-identity. Some claims will be further delayed by people not having ‘the right identification.’) The waiting period assumes that everyone will have their last month’s salary sitting in the bank, maybe a bit of severance pay. Not everyone is paid monthly, not everyone has savings, or a safety net, some people are paid weekly, there’s also the clause that if you left your job voluntarily, your claim could be void. I don’t know how it works for people rolling-over from other benefits that were paid weekly or fortnightly, but there’s the potential that, even though the systems ‘know’ that the weekly CTC payments were the only income-source, there’ll still be the waiting period.

That’s the massive cultural disconnect, between policy-makers and the general population, the powers-that-be simply don’t understand how hand-to-mouth existence is for some of us. I had a little money in the bank, but that’s not the case for everyone. There will be begging, borrowing, and stealing from some sectors of the population, this is a powder-keg. I limped through the eight weeks it took for my ‘standard’ payment, and the nine for my ‘housing element’, and I had to chase both of those. I still have my land-line phone connected, so wasn’t using up my mobile credit. Some people in the village, and in the UK don’t have land-lines, and won’t be able to chase payments if they’re out of credit.

The ‘single’ system isn’t. ‘Standard element’ and ‘Housing element’ are processed by two different departments. There’s uproar about the ‘housing’ element being paid direct to the claimant, instead of the old system where Housing Benefit was paid directly to landlords, or local authorities. Readers of certain newspapers are indignant that ‘the poor’ will spend the housing element, instead of paying their rent, I don’t know, chips and cheese, or cigarettes and big TVs, I suppose. The powers-that-be will counter that “Budgeting advice is available.”, that would be the person that scans your ID at your first appointment pointing to ‘Money advice service’ and ‘Step-change’ on a leaflet. Some people will have debts, I was lucky enough not to, but, once I start on that conveyor-belt of missed direct debit bank charges, I know from experience how hard it is to escape the cycle. My ‘Claimant Commitment’ states that I will read the local papers weekly, in my search for employment, I read all of it, not just the ‘jobs’ page, which is all online anyway, and the ‘property’ section has increasing numbers of ‘No DSS’ adverts. My rent is about average for the village, and the ever-so-helpful news-site comments of ‘Just move to a smaller/cheaper property’ miss the point that most of us don’t have funds available for a deposit to do that.

My ‘standard’ element, of £317, was eventually released eight weeks after my initial appointment, which was actually 12 weeks after my employment ended, because I’m ‘too proud to beg’, and didn’t want to claim benefits, that’s my problem, not the system’s. I had to chase it, six weeks passed, and I ‘phoned the helpline’, as per protocol, in the seventh week. Jolly little recorded message on a loop, reminding people that if it hasn’t been six weeks, there’s no point complaining, that’ll suck some people’s PAYG phone credit. “Oh, did you claim housing element?”, the girl on the phone sounded about 12, everyone ‘sounds about 12′ when you get to my age. “I don’t know, I don’t know how any of this works, I’ve never claimed before.” “Well, I can see here that there’s a problem with your housing element, but I can authorise payment of your standard element.” (Another of the issues with my disability is irritability, the majority of my damage is frontal lobe, which can impact on some of my responses, it WAS difficult not to shout at the girl, for asking me if I’d ‘claimed housing’, when she could see on her record that I had. She’s only doing her job, and she’s probably used to people shouting. Or crying, like I was.) She authorised the ‘standard’ payment the same day, and asked me to phone back with regard to the ‘housing’ element issue. I phoned back. Another 12-year-old advised that she couldn’t see how much my ‘housing element’ would be, that only the housing department knew that, it being ‘worked out on a matrix of local and national rents’ (Snarky head is quietly confident that the matrix includes subsidised LA housing, and those nasty damp bedsits above the car-spares shop that nobody wants to live in, because of the youths setting fire to bins behind them.) She’d task it to ‘housing’, and authorise the payment. Except she didn’t have authority to authorise the payment, I imagine some of her other customers that day had been more antagonistic than I was, and she was trying to avoid confrontation.

The ‘housing’ element was delayed because my ex-partner’s name was still on the tenancy agreement I’d provided. Fair point, and I’m still slightly anxious that some nefarious men in black might home-visit, and see my son’s aftershave in the bathroom, and assume I’m fraudulently claiming, Check with Council Tax, he left over a year ago. “Oh, we’re not linked to Council Tax.” (Yes, you are, I’ve just had a letter, 8 weeks into my claim, stating that I could be eligible for a low-income reduction.) “If I could have his date of birth?” “Are you checking with HMRC, I’ll give you his National Insurance number.” The ‘housing element’ doesn’t cover my rent, there’s a shortfall of £150 per month, which I’m picking up, at the same time as paying all of my other bills out of the £317. There’s a shortfall.

In both the ‘standard’ and ‘housing’ elements, there is the option to request an advance, up to 1/2 of the allocated allowance, but it has to be repaid out of subsequent payments, meaning that every month, for the next 3, or 6 months, depending on the payment-plan, will be ‘short.’ There is linkage between DWP and Council Tax, but some residents here have a fear of brown envelopes, and some can’t read- that’s another ‘visit our website, or telephone’ to apply for the discount.

I’m organised, I’m methodical, I’m used to being accountable. Some people aren’t, and these systems are going to be devastating for them. The local authority, and some of the housing associations are employing work-coaches of their own, under various vague job-titles. Oh, and rent arrears recovery posts. This thing is going to crash and burn on a monumental scale. The ‘pockets of deprivation’ in this village won’t be able to navigate the systems, and will be sanctioned as a result of the gaps in their knowledge or understanding. We will see an increase in violent crime, due to the frustration. We will see an increase in domestic violence due to the inability to live on nothing. We will see an increase in alcohol or substance dependency, because that detached-fog is easier to live in than a reality with empty cupboards. We will have classrooms full of rumbling bellies, waiting for the free school lunch, because the ‘breakfast’ option at break-time isn’t available to them. We will see more burglaries, more shop-lifting. We will see children missing school because the electricity pre-payment meter ran out overnight, and nobody’s alarm went off. Children will miss school because the money doesn’t go into the bank for another three weeks, and they have no shoes. In the midst of all this, social care thresholds keep increasing, we KNOW that early intervention is better than waiting for the inevitable crisis, but the people who can provide that intervention are spread so thin that everything is at breaking point.

There, with all that off my chest, I’ll complete my mandatory hours of actively seeking employment for the day.

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