#Even those closest to me dont know how deeply fucked up I am all the time

[hetlesbian]

Sometimes I fucking love not existing because my reputation cant be ruined. Im a literal nobody. You cant punish me if I dont exist

[evilminji]

OKAY. *slams open door in manic about to have opinions*

MAYBE i am binging so, SO much unhinged bnha fics? Have already sent this to all my mutual and is not ENOUGH? But everyone is focused on these BABIES and not the MOST unhinged of them all? You COWARDS!!!

That's RIGHT! Ya girl has been hitting the "yandere/obsessive/possessive" behavior tag on Ao3 and is REFUSING TO BE NORMAL ABOUT IT! I have THOUGHTS DAMN IT! AaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA-!!! *Flips table*

Why the FUCK everyone focusing on BABIES?

I get it, don't yuck someone else's yum. To each their own. I respect that. But ALSO? What lvl of unhinged could they POSSIBLY HAVE? They are FIVE. SMOOTH FACED TODDLER BABY BOYS! A CHILD!

Like? Listen...

You know how Quirks are basicly evolutionary advantages? Random protections that are hit or miss? I have touched on this before in my naruto WIP (that i never posted but shush), but there must exsist a theoretical opposite of killing intent.

A sort of loving/peaceful intent if you will. A SAFETY intent. Or, for the purposes of THIS scenario and slightly to the left of that, a "love me" field. Which? Unlike what the perverse might believe or suggest? Just makes the target... love you.

Not sexually desire.

Love. Care about. Emotional connection.

And, yeah, maybe i've just been reading too many fics where shigiraki do what shigiraki does, and he is his unhinged obsessed lil self. Too many unhinged yandere fics where i darkly mutter "you are forgetting their Core Character Motivatioooooons! Just write an OC!"

Because you can twist a characters personality WITHOUT forgetting who they ARE. Thats what makes it INTERESTING, after all. Seeing how it could go so very, very wrong. How a good emotion, taken too extreme, can corrupt! N it's not just "oh that means violence n cursing right? Immediately jumping to cruelty?"

Its the obsession. The need to consume. The manipulation and care in which they try and maintain the illusion. It isn't one crack and "whelp, fuck it I guess!". Every character is different! Breaks under the strain of 1000% loving someone, DIFFERENT. And it brings up FASCINATING dynamics n potential quirk reactions?

Cause a emotional quirk WILL work. Even on people who supposed "dont have any" emotions? Because thats not how the human body FUNCTIONS. They HAVE all the necessary components. They just have a disorder. The Quirk would be forcing their body to MIMIC "feel-Y.exe" and their body would go with that. How THEY would process that data? What would it FEEL like to THEM? Whole different story.

But they WOULD feel "love" in what ever capacity THEY understand it.

You don't want to hurt your BEST FRIEND do you? You love them. Your BELOVED SISTER? This CUTE CHILD? She seems so NICE. Or maybe it's a precious and to be protected PET? She doesn't know what she'll get, "love" is nebulous and multifaceted. Could be platonic, familial, romantic. The love of a comrade. But it's never failed BEFORE. (Not, that I imagine, she being a well adjusted young lady, would feel morally comfortable USING said quirk in such times of peace. On anybody.)

We're all friend here, right? No need to be aggressive! Hurt anybody! Let's all put our weapons down, yeah?

But! This runs into a PROBLEM. The fuckin Yandere. Your bog standard sociopath. Those to whom this love field/targeting/ray/what-have-you is either so completely foreign too or NOTICEABLE as to be ineffective. Or to whom "love" is AGGRESSIVE.

Who's concept of "love" would actually make the problem WORSE.

I bring this up? Because I am FACINATED by the concept of AfO falling in love.

He... he would be COMPLETELY unhinged about it. The very act would unlock LAYERS to his deeply fucked up, highly obsessive, mind games and bank vaults, squirrel brain.

But I don't think he'd ever WILLINGLY fall in love. Or even be capable. Might be a brain chemistry thing, honesty. But the very reason his CLINGS to his his brothers quirk? Is because his brother was HIS. They were connected. It was... the closest thing he understood to love. And he is unhinged even to this day about it.

EIGHT GENERATIONS OF USERS LATER.

So like? If he spooked some poor soul? With a "love me" quirk? And she, in terror, tried to blast this Scary Supervillian into Not Hurting Her? She would have NO WAY of knowing that she just made a HUGE fucking mistake. Like... conceivably, the WORST mistake.

Because all it would take? Is her NOT instantly dying. No reflexive "how dare you use your Quirk on me". And? The altered brain chemistry starts to kick in. He's suddenly getting?? All these NICE happy brain chemicals that his body has been fuckin STARVED off? Fascinating new sensations? Elevated mood?

It's fake. He KNOWS it's fake. :) But that doesn't mean he won't murder her if she STOPS :)

Looooove yoooou~♡

Does it shift in to real, deeply deranged, love? Impossible to tell. Someone for the LOVE OF GOD call All Might. But?? He's just such an unhinged MESS it's fascinating to explore how emotional quirks would even react to him? Fascinating to think about how he would REACT if he had a SECOND "little brother" scenario. A person he CARED about. But this time... WORSE because it was in a way he could somewhat comprehend AND he had FAR more power then before.

Would it derail everything? Would he be able to focus on his Machiavellian plans while being able to fold them into them? Would he fuckin CONSUME THEM like he did Tomura? Ultimate form of love, after all, to become HIM.

How long could she, the hypothetical Quirk holder, keep that Quirk ACTIVE? Fear is a powerful motivator.

Just?? Why are there not more fics about the Ultimate Creep, BEING CREEPY AND UNHINGED??? He's VERY GOOD AT IT. Has had a LOT OF PRACTICE. LET AfO be deeply insane, 2XXX!

[pearl-blue-musings]

I Don’t Want You Back

I know it’s Thursday but I had to write this why yes this was inspired by another BØRNS song dont @ me

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsuro x gn!reader

Warnings: angst, alcohol mention, cheating, there is comfort as always, post time skip!

Word count: 1K

He truly should have known better by this point. Kuroo does his best to even out his breathing under the covers as his, well soon to be ex, partner stumbles into their apartment. He’s not entirely sure why he keeps giving them chances as he glances at the clock that reads 4 am. Kuroo knew they worked late but to be coming in this late and smelling like that? It took everything in him to not blow his cover. He wants to yell, scream, and cry about everything he’s done for this relationship but he knows it’ll fall on deaf ears. So he does what he typically does and waits for them to fall asleep before sending you a text message.

“It happened again.”

He also knows better than to wait up for your reply since you’re a heavy sleeper. You’ve been his rock for as long as he can remember. Neighbors turned friends, to becoming his high school team manager, to supporting him working for the national team, you’ve been there though it all. And although you should be asleep, he’s the one person you don’t put on do not disturb.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Kuroo gasps in his bed at your reply which alerts his partner to him being awake. “Tetsu babe,” they start, “I told you not to wait up for me.” They try to kiss his cheek but he pulls away. “C’mon don’t do this, it’s late.”

“Where the hell were you?”

They roll their eyes and try to rub his shoulder. “That’s none of your business.”

Kuroo abruptly gets up, slapping the mattress, “it is my business when my lover comes home at 4 in the morning smelling like booze and sex.” He pauses to try and catch any semblance of sorrow on their face and he sees none. “I know you’re cheating on me. And I’m done. Pack your shit and get out.”

They scoff and slowly get up. “Tetsurou you can’t be serious—“

“It’s Kuroo and I’m very serious.” His partner had never heard him speak with such intense seriousness; always jokes and flirtations. So of course they thought it would be easy to cheat on someone so busy and carefree. They roll their eyes and get up.

“Fine, he was better in bed anyways and made more money.”

“Then why don’t ya fucking go to him then?!”

An hour passes and Kuroo now sits in a semi empty apartment. He has to write apology notes to his neighbors for having to hear the noises so early in the morning. 5:30 is usually when he wakes up to hit the gym and get to work early but today is different as he sits on his couch with his face in his hands. However, a soft knock on his door has him breathing deeply before he gets up. His tired golden eyes peek into the peep hole and sees you standing there. He quickly opens the door and is immediately embraced by you. This is when Kuroo breaks down and cries into your shoulder. You shush him and bring him into his apartment and show him the affection he’s truly been missing.

The two of you call in sick for the day and spend it wrapped in each other’s arms and lazing around.

One year later

It took longer than he thought possible but he was able to successfully move on in his life. Kuroo was unaware of how much his ex had gaslit him and emotionally abused him so being with you was easy and a breath of fresh air. Being together didn’t come easily or suddenly, but gradually. After all, it is only your 4 month anniversary. You decided to treat him by taking him to your favorite club for some debauchery with your closest friends. Kenma couldn’t have looked more out of place but Bokuto was right at home. It had been a long and rough week at work so he truly wanted to let go with some of his inner circle.

Shot after shot was offered to him and he was starting to feel really good. So good that he was sure he saw someone that looked vaguely familiar. Those eyes, that hair, that stare… ah yes his ex. You hadn’t noticed as you were entertaining Bokuto and a funny joke he had told you and Kenma. You were so enraptured you didn’t even notice Kuroo get up and stumble toward the bar. You try to lean on him and you almost fall over when you see he’s not there. You blink slowly when you finally spot his bed hair walking toward someone you thought you’d never see again. Your heart sank as you saw them, his head resting in his hand on the bar top and them laughing and trying to touch his arm. You look away before it gets any worse and move to get up. You were always there for him and supported him through everything, so why did seeing him with his past lover gut you like a knife?

“Excuse me,” you slur to his friends as you get up and head to the bathroom. You try to push your way through the crowd and hold back tears at the same time. You’re barely there when a hand grabs your shoulder.

“Kit, kitten. Where ya going?”

The innocence and love in his eyes were always a weakness of yours and you couldn’t lie to him. The alcohol induced tears start to fall and that sobers Kuroo up. He carefully wipes away your tears with his finger as he cups your face. “Babe, what happened? D-did someone touch you?”

“I-,” you start. “I saw you. With them. I know they’re here…”

His eyebrows lift before softening, an equally soft smile on his face. He brings you in for a chaste kiss before resting his forehead against yours. “Baby doll, if you stared longer, you would have heard me tell them “I don’t want you back” okay? They tried, hell so did the liquor, but there’s only one person I love right now.

“And it’s you.”

[summoner-kentauris]

What does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir? (You can either just answer or write a lil story if you feel like it)

OOOO now i have thought in my free time a fair amount about what líf thinks of zasha but, and i cannot believe this, i have not thought about what zacharias thinks about líf and thrasir. full disclosure, book III happened to be going on when i formally stopped playing feh. i kept up with the story after that but, theres my obligatory knowledge base disclaimer.

also minor cws through this whole thing because i talk here and there about zacharias and his... mm, canonical relationship to death/selfharm

-

so, i spent a lot of time thinking about this one, and i keep coming back to my gut reaction, which is that i don't think zacharias would like them very much. i dont know why i think that, though.

PART ONE

i think a lot of it would depend on how they approach him, which is maybe why i've spent more time thinking about the reverse of this ask, come to think of it. see, i think zacharias could go any which way in terms of what he thinks of them. i think he could hate them, as two people who killed versions of everyone he ever loved, including metaphorically killing off the two people closest to him.

i think he could love him, having seen the hell (ha ha literally) that they went through. understanding what that feels like. given the way he talks about his suicide attempts, and honestly that he spent most of book I trying to get people to kill him, really his whole relationship to death. i mean the man talks a lot about death and killing. he might not be the feh OC who best understands how manipulative and... whats a good word. alluring? what im trying to say is that besides eir, he might be the one most likely to understand why Hel and hel's offer appealed to líf and thrasir. i feel like this bit has a place here: "With his dying breath...he begged for his life. He called out your names! "I'll do anything you ask! Just let me live!" excepting of course that i still am not sure if i think he said/thought that or not. ive never been sure who really is in control of speaking right then and there. Anyway. Probably he could come to understand Líf and Thrasir's stance, enough that he could care about them the same ways he cares about his versions of Alfonse ann Veronica

on the other hand, i can see him being fully horrified by the choices those two made in response. this bit: Not anyone... This dark god...seeks death. And it cries for the destruction of Askr. Like. Líf and Thrasir are intentionally enacting the same thing as the dark god's desires, in order to correct a mistake they made that, uh, also enacted the same thing as dark god's desires. talk about awkward. and i think Zasha, who has lived with this nightmare in his head for so long, might recoil from people who are so directly aligned with it. who wants to be around someone who has become, who has chosen to become, everything you ever feared you'd be? especially when you're nearly drowning from the effort of fighting to stop yourself.

i could also see him meeting them and it being incredibly, incredibly bad for him. i feel like, he puts a whole lot of... mm. what am i trying to say.here:

Yet it is you that says this, dear friend, and so I must consider it. I see the faith reflected in your eyes. Perhaps it is possible...

SPEAKING OF BUNNY ZACHARIAS I ALSO THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE FOLLOWING:

You never change. All you see is a lofty goal, even if you lack the means to achieve it... The idea that gods would fall by the hand of man is a fantasy... and a preposterous one. This is a goal that even our ancestors Líf and Thrasir could not achieve.

setting aside the obligatory wtf zash i know you know your lore (fuck, maybe there is no killing the gods, maybe all Fire Emblem victories are temporary at best and Zenith is the only one who knows it. but i think, probably not), i think you could spin a very believable scenario where zacharias takes one look at these two ambitious, arrogant posers and absolutely refuses to speak to them any further.

so, part one, i think that zacharias could think any number of things about líf and thrasir. which i suppose means that i think he's fairly neutral on the subject of líf and thrasir. makes sense to me, i suppose. i feel like zacharias | bruno has practice (regardless of whether he's any good at it or not, or whether its any good for him) at holding and maintaining separate personas, so I don't think the fact that líf and thrasir were alfonse and veronica would necessarily be all that important to him.

which brings me to part ii

what happened to dead zenith zacharias

if zacharias is neutral on the subject, I think a lot of their relationship is going to pushed in one direction or another by líf and thrasir themselves.

and, complicating matters (when do I make things simple?), i think their approach to zacharias would of course depend on what happened to their zacharias. correct me if im wrong, but i dont think we have even a hint what happened to him.

there are three ish options I'm seeing. one: as dead world zenith is further along in its timeline and as zacharias claims he's almost out of time with his curse, other zacharias died due to that before the war with hel. i feel like scenario one is the most likely to lead to a good relationship between main zacharias and líf and thrasir.

two: mr. professional "knows plot relevant things out of knowhere" was the one who found out about angrboða's heart in the first place. especially given "As destruction took hold, we joined with Embla to seek the forbidden heart...", which to me sounds a lot like, "hel was kicking our ass then zacharias showed up and said we should go get this mystical plot object from embla". thrasir even says she and líf weren't allies before the world went to shit. anyway. hear me out here:

Yes. The heart is sealed within an Emblian blood temple. If that seal is broken, someone will die each time the heart beats... Those who perform the rite are the first to die.

Now. Líf claims he was the one who broke it open, but he also was present for the war that followed and only after was he killed and inducted into hel's army. so. both of those things can't be true. i propose that the magic mcguffin located in a sealed emblian blood temple was unlocked by our dear zacharias and thats what killed him in other zenith. i think its possible that other veronica was the one who did it, but you know. its all imagination at this point. also, and i forgot this, but thrasir does go off about how she can't lose until she saves her brother, so. something especially tragic happened at least. and oh boy is scenario two a nice fresh tasty tragedy. so that's scenario two. other zacharias directly died as a result of attempts to fight hel

number three thing that could have happened to zach is boring. he's always off doing things, he could have just died off screen. i mean. everyone did, eventually.

frankly he could still be alive for all i know. the heart appears to take the lives of people in the world, not of the world, or else the summoner would have been fine. so, if zacharias was on one of his off world jaunts, he could conceivably be a-okay. well. as okay as someone who's whole world died. i don't think that's what happened, because thrasir is pretty clear about feeling that she failed him, but yknow.

líf and thrasir's reactions to the above

thrasir is i think the most straightforward. i can't really see her approaching main zacharias with anything but positive intent. even if she's only a little bit open, i think thrasir and zacharias will probably have a decently tolerable relationship. if zacharias can come back to a country that exiled him as a kid and let his mother die in a dungeon and then go on to not just befriend but protect and care for a half sister he didnt know before then, then i think he'll find a way to care about thrasir. you know, intsys could have had fun making another perpetual older brother character. as i understand it, xander gets brother'd a lot, he and zach could have talked. could have been fun. a whole, zacharias, a historically traumatized child: *arrives in a world* every currently traumatized kid in a five mile radius: oh shit this one's ours now. you know what im saying? found family except zacharias would very much like it to stop finding him. he's got important brooding to do. but anway, they didn't go that route and its a tragedy.

líf is... more complicated. i think scenario one creates the most positive outlook. i can see him still having guilt over zacharias' loss, but i think any of it would be overshadowed by everything else that happened. in this scenario, líf finally gets back a piece of the world he'd lost. yeah, it's not his zacharias, but still. it is a zacharias, who is living and breathing and frowning and asking why you are staring at me, knight. i think the two of them could get along rather well, although i see them having significant issues with pessimism. inch-restingly enough... the dark curse bades its hosts to kill askrans. and líf is, well. dead. so... perhaps... perhaps líf wouldn't trigger the curse like alfonse does. in that case, not only does líf get someone back he thought he'd never see again, but so does zacharias.

scenario two is just a nightmare. frankly, i initially thought this scenario would lead to líf just ignoring zacharias (out of guilt, pain, etc), but i was rereading the scripts looking for the spelling of angrboða and this came up:

Tell Hel. She'll erase those memories. She'll erase them all...

so, honestly? i think that in scenario two líf just straight up gets hel to remove his memories of zacharias (as an aside maybe this is also why he never ever ever talks about other anna >:{ )

in that case, líf wouldn't really have any reason to talk to this man, who causes this empty deeply sad feeling to well up in him for now discernible reason. and zacharias has no reason (or time) to talk to this standoffish general of the dead. so. that's a real ships in the night moment.

number three i think líf would still hold the same guilt as in number two, but i don't think it would be as horrifically tragic, so i think it's more likely he'd be willing to approach zacharias. he does appear to have even worse of a thing than alfonse about not opening oneself up to people, but i think that even if he's líf, he once was an alfonse, and being that this is me answering this, i don't think any alfonse can really keep away from a zacharias for very long. its a version of the person who once knew him as well as any other person in the world. like líf can't really seem to stop himself from associating with main sharena, i don't think he could stop himself from reaching out in his own way to main zacharias. and god does that man need some more friends. i think zacharias would probably be a little frightened of líf, and of what an alfonse could become. but i think probably... i feel like a lot of book i issues stem from the fact that, justified or not, zacharias thinks alfonse would risk anything, any harm to save him. i don't know that confronting an alfonse who literally risked everything and did all harm to save his world would be a comfort, but i do think zacharias would get a lot out of having someone who's already done the worst they can do. been there, done that, got the tshirt. i think zacharias would be a little afraid of what an alfonse could become, but i think he would no longer have to be afraid of... no, anxious about it. i think there's a kind of calm in having something confirmed that zacharias could appreciate. healthy? unhealthy? fuck if i know. i also think that in líf, zacharias has a friend who he can't physically hurt anymore. lífs already dead. been there done there got the.... glowing gel torso. i think, curse nonewithstanding, zacharias will always have some degree of tension and fear about hurting people he's in a relationship with, be that because of his issues with abandonment, of abandoning, of harm, etc. but you know. líf's kind of a rock. and he's already hit his rock bottom, now that i'm thinking about rocks. i think that kind of steady, placid deathness could really help zacharias. and i think he would find it soothing, whether or not he knew why.

plus he will be able to know that if the curse gets him, if he dies... he'll still have a friend in the realm of the dead. he doesnt have to be so afraid of leaving and getting left

so there we go! lots of musings. i have been thinkin about why my headcanons are less that and more elaborate branching theories, and i think it is because i would change my opinion depending on which story i wanted to tell or hear or see.so yeah. dunno which one of these answers belongs to the question, what does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir?, but hopefully at least one of them is interesting to read about!

OH also. i think he would be petty-ly annoyed about them cribing líf and thrasir's name. like full on scholar petty. probably showed up to the order in a nerdy huff excited to meet the actual factual líf and thrasir and turns out its just those two, sitting around glowing and reciting death metal lyrics like they're spoken word ballads. dont think he'd get over that ever.

[badatusernames]

CHOJI, SHIKAMARU, LEE, GAARA & HINATA!! ITS A LOT IM SORRY

THANK U FOR THIS...admittedly some answers may be a lil short just so i can like. Get to them all.

EDIT: IDK WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THIS. IM SO TIRED. IM SORRY ITS JUST A LONGASS NARUTO POST ON YOUR DASH I TRIED MY FUCKIN BEST YALL

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

Chouji (man i’ve seen it spelled both ways and i’m just used to typing Chouji at this point sorry)

Sexuality Headcanon: Pansexual!!  Gender Headcanon: Cis male A ship I have with said character: SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARUUUU, my god...just, everything about their dynamic makes my heart melt, the way they’re both people who are easily dismissed by others and how they have such UNFALTERING FAITH in each other. chouji knows how much of a genius shikamaru is, knows very well the fact that despite his laziness, once he commits to something he’s in it for the LONG HAUL, the way shikamaru just believes so steadfastly in chouji, considering him stronger than NEJI FOR FUCKS SAKE...they like. get one another, the kind of relationship where you can be yakking away one minute and then just sitting in contented silence the next. they can just laze around. maybe play video games and snack. and sometimes...kiss. and it’s so chill even with that latent tenderness their later relationship develops and they both just feel so safe and KNOWN and familiar like. love your best friend. anyway everyone slept on shikacho and y’all should be ashamed the naruto fandom is enormous and finding pretty much ANY content for it is almost impossible aside from the small (if lovely and amazing) tag and i’m pretty hyperfixated on it if you couldn’t tell holy SHIT.  A BROTP I have with said character: i’m really not a fan of ino taking potshots at him for his weight and outright shaming him, but once she grows out of that i absolutely love their friendship. listen, you know that post thats like--hold on

thats just them, thanks. A NOTP I have with said character: i have nothing against karui but canon is fucking dead to me and my opinions on p much all the “endgame” ships range from utterly neutral to absolute loathing. their relationship is on neither end of the spectrum, but. eh. definitely not into it. A random headcanon: he keeps nursing injured animals back to health because he’s just that fucking sweet and bringing them back to his house to keep them warm and safe while they recover and his team knows vaguely about this and ino and shikamaru like to poke fun at him for it but since they don’t tend to encounter said animals, it’s not really a huge deal.

of course they stop by his house one day bc he hadn’t shown up for training which is annoying and frankly a little concerning and finding the house mostly empty ino just bursts on into chouji’s room only to immediately have the opossum he’s been caring for latch its little paws on her face and cling.

it’s a bad morning. General Opinion over said character: literally one of my absolute favorites of all time and it really breaks my heart how overlooked he is in the fandom (seriously y’all...). i think kishimoto is kind of a stupid hack and the Fat Jokes are really grating and it sucks to see that so intrinsically tied to his character (like. just let him be fat. jesus christ) but his kindness and overall relaxed, loyal and lovable nature has me just melting. i adore him. 

Shikamaru

Sexuality Headcanon: He’s gay, scoob. (I could also talk a lot about how his earlier misogyny is both a product of being a whiny tween and also some internalized frustration of like WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT GIRLS. UGH. I DONT. STOP TELLING ME IM GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ONE ONE DAY DAD JESUS. and let’s be real, thats frustrating, even if it aint an excuse)  Gender Headcanon: he uses he/him pronouns because it’s just what he’s used to and comfortable with but man gender is such a drag... A ship I have with said character: SEE ABOVE SHIKACHO RANT A BROTP I have with said character: naruto! he and naruto have a really adorable friendship and i love love LOVE that he and chouji were shown to be kind and accepting of him even when most people were shunning him. also he’s so fucking dumb i love seeing shikamaru meticulously plan out something only to have naruto shriek into battle and ruin all of it. love those guys. stupid bros.  A NOTP I have with said character: ok. im sorry i just. loathe sh*katema i really do. i haaaate the way kishimoto writes this whole “ew a GIRL” “ew a MAN” vibe with the like OOOH BUT THEYRE GONNA LIKE EACH OTHER vibe like. 

don’t get me wrong i adore them as friends, i think they’re fantastic scathing and witty pals who bitch about anything and everything including each other

but they’re also both gay and kishimoto can suck my nuts byeeee A random headcanon: sometimes pakkun just fucking Shows up and chills with him. shikamaru wants absolutely no part of this but is way too lazy to like. do anything about it so it’s just this guy and a dog sitting in a field chillin and occasionally him piping up like ‘hey kid. remember when i bit your hand? yeah? haha, man time sure does fly.” while shikamaru is just. go aWAY.   General Opinion over said character: if you told 9 year old me watching naruto for the first time my favs were gonna be a three way tie of lee, shikamaru and chouji i never would have fucking believed you but here we are. i love him. i absolutely love him. he’s such a whiny bastard and a really good depiction of burnout genius who doesnt want to do ANYTHING, but his intellect is an absolute DELIGHT to watch. i love him very much. 

Lee

Sexuality Headcanon: he’s pan!! this is a boy that crushes easily and crushes hard on just about anyone!!!! Gender Headcanon: cis male A ship I have with said character: ok i ship him a lot with neji actually? what with how neji grows during the course of the series to regard lee with the respect he deserves is really sweet and there’s just something so infinitely adorable about him going around being the hammiest, most ridiculously earnest, kind and enthusiastic person and neji, now that he isn’t constantly bitter and angry at the world can finally really see that? lee is always happily dropkicking his way into his life, like he wouldn’t have it any other way, and i think that’s just...so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: SAKURAAAAA. oh my GOD do i adore their relationship. ever since lee saved her and basically just gave her a glimpse of his...lee-ness, the fact her negative opinion of him IMMEDIATELY flipped and gave her such a strong admiration and fondness for him kills me DEAD. she always treats him with so much respect and the fact she’s quick to rag on anyone making fun of him melts my HEART!! and on lee’s side, his little crush on her is adorable of course, but the sheer strength of the friendship that comes from it is more than infatuation could ever offer him. i want them to hang out together and talk about their troubles...i want them to make each other laugh and be so very kind to each other...i want sakura to storm over and throw him over her shoulder to TAKE A BREAK ALREADY when he’s been training too hard for too long. god. A NOTP I have with said character: honestly i’m pretty happy with a lot of lee ships! the only ones i view with obvious disdain are the ones with creepy age gaps honestly. A random headcanon: out of everyone in the leaf genin, he’s probably the closest anyone’s ever come to someone who EVERYONE is at least distantly friendly towards. like god have you SEEN how warm and inviting and concerned he is the SECOND he sees that naruto is feeling down? i get the sense he’s immediately inclined to provide that kind of support to any of his comrades, even the ones that Resist it.

you think sasuke is the most popular among the leaf genin? puh-LEASE. everyone looks on rock lee with at least a LITTLE bit of warmth. thats just fact. General Opinion over said character: since my first viewing of naruto he has been my Absolute fav, and while chouji and shikamaru are veeery close to stealing that spot, one look at him and i feel he’s gonna be on top forever. probably the best written character kishimoto’s ever produced that’s remained in  the main cast (tho i dont speak for shipudden onwards who fucking knows, but the truth of it is is i adore rock lee)

Gaara

Sexuality Headcanon: Panromantic Asexual Gender Headcanon: kind of like shikamaru, i feel like he uses he/him pronouns but also doesn’t particularly....Care? A ship I have with said character: ok so it wasnt until my naruto rewatch that i really started falling into this but i think him and naruto are super cute? while i loathe kishimoto for ruining so much abt this show he really is good at creating good foils to naruto, and gaara is no exception--and the way naruto changes his life by just kicking his ass (and proving he’s not just a Simp or smth) and then just, extending genuine empathy and a REAL sense of truly relating to where he’s coming from re:his upbringing? the EFFECT it has on him, bro!!!! my god!!! i feel like they’re that opposites attract ship that don’t clash constantly but instead fall into this adorable synergy and understanding? and i think thats so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: ...is it cheating to just put temari and kankuro here? bc they are literally his siblings but my GOD do i love their relationship. there’s something so deeply sad about their initial situation??? like having siblings that either are deeply fucking afraid of you or clearly don’t care for your well being whatsoever, it’s such a tragic scenario, and the times where they really do show legitimate care for gaara just breaks my heart...but the GROWTH. THE DEVELOPMENT. THE HEALING. i love the sand siblings so much, i am a STRONG advocate of seeing the development from estranged family to loving, occasionally bickering siblings who absolutely Love Each Other A NOTP I have with said character: uhhhh same with lee in that i don’t really mind most of the ships i’ve seen him in? while i don’t particularly ship gaalee i think its also Very Cute, and really it all just seems pretty valid as long as people aren’t being creepy? A random headcanon: i’ve been wracking my brain for one for a good 20 minutes and i just don’t have one he’s such a mystery to me/????? i love him but he is an enigma?? General Opinion over said character: oh my god he’s such an edgelord in the beginning. i’ve been doing a lot of this naruto rewatch with my friend @drashseed (a simply phenomenal fella 10/10 follow him) and every single time he talked the only valid response just became “ok gaara”

but his backstory? utterly HEARTWRENCHING. and his growth is just. absolutely divine, i adore him. thank you mister sandman for doing so much for us all.

Hinata

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual Gender Headcanon: cis woman A ship I have with said character: listen. i think kibahina is........Really Really cute. he cares about her so MUCH??? and there’s a certain tenderness to his interactions with her that’s just really evident whenever you see em together? i really love that you get the sense hinata is COMFORTABLE around him!!! like! i feel like hinata really deserves to have a partner who sees her when she ISN’T blushing and stammering? when she’s like? legitimately comfortable and being HERSELF? (dgmw the blushing is adorable i fucking love her but its one of the gripes i have with naruhina that so much of it is just naruto being oblivious and her having a small panic attack) the comfort she and kiba have make for a chill, adorable relationship i just cry over constantly A BROTP I have with said character: so i was GONNA put naruto here, but technically i already put him there for shikamaru’s so i’m gonna say neji!!! uhhh OBVIOUSLY they got off to a. very rough start but the way their dynamic changed (or perhaps in a way reverted back to the times they interacted before neji’s father died and temporarily killed his Human Decency) into this respect and fondness that’s just...such a delight to watch? i’m a SUCKER for slow and mutual reconciliation and there are just so many sweet moments between them. they are FAMILY, BRO!!! THEY CARE FOR EACH OTHER, BRO!!!!!!!!!! A NOTP I have with said character: ...at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i think a lot of hinata ships are quite cute? i guess i’m gonna have to say sasuke. because like.

has. he ever even looked at her. please. jesus christ. she deserves so much better. A random headcanon: she is a LOT physically stronger than she looks!! a lot of her combat techniques rely on taijustu after all so it’d make sense that she puts a lot of effort into physical training alongside chakra control.

i’m trying to say she’s strong. not as strong as sakura but. she can lift her bf up over her head (he’s dying hes dying he’s dYING he lOVES HER SO MUCH). it’s pretty fuckign badass

General Opinion over said character: i LOVE her??? honest to god i really really do--honestly while i dislike the direction they went in canon with her, i really loved seeing her be motivated to grow and change the parts of herself she hated to become a stronger person.

that and she’s so fucking cute and sweet and i just??????? bless her honestly.

[askbittyerror]

Wedding RP part 12

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Magnus steps forward, shaking, then collapses, chin cracking against the ground, black sludge and purple marrow forming a puddle underneath him. Mercury glances to Paladin thrashing against the tentacles then rushes over, kneeling by his father and scooting a bit to avoid Magnus’ weak snapping. “Dad-” He holds his hands out to heal, yanking them back when more slime explodes from Magnus’ eyes at the magic’s touch.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." Braithe tightens his grip. "Give me an excuse~" the corrupted one hisses, a dripping, oily snarl. "I'll pull your bones apart one by one, shove them in your sockets before they can dust, and twist." Coryn kneels at Magnus side, frowning. "Magnus. You have a thin choice whether to fight this off or not. If you don't, you will be corrupted forever." -to Mercury, "get his mate. now."(edited)

JusticeMom09/28/2020 Dragon slides into the space cursing over and over as they scale down to move to the bitty "what happened!?" they cry stopping before they reach the protective wall of bitty(edited)

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 “Dad and Pal fought.” Mercury says before vanishing to grab Blue. Magnus growls and whines softly, eyelights gutted out and joints turning black. “Fuck you.” Paladin hisses, his magic flaring, wings glowing blindingly bright.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 A deep, cold chuckle. "Ribs first then~" He falls silent as Coryn glares briefly, then rests his hands on Magnus, trying to heal... and also summon enough aura to possibly help, if it can. Blue Is surprised by the sudden return.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 They see which one to deal with first and they rush over to Pal and Braithe "stop! he is not himself!" they snap at the grumpy corrupted bitty(edited)

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Very brief pause. "...and?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 “Fight bad, Dad’s corrupting.” Mercury says quickly, tugging on them, the entire family making incredibly worried noises. The healing seems to be helping, at least a little. The pool of marrow stops spreading and the slime sizzles, Magnus letting out a weak wail and trying to squirm away. Paladin is being an unhelpful growly boy and is biting at any tentacle within reach of his mouth.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Braithe starts to respond with the intention of shoving an entire tentacle down his throat, and seeing what he can rip out... but a glare from Coryn, and he grumbles, simply holding on. Blue manages to set everyone down, without dropping anyone, and shrink in an instant, grabbing their son's hand, even as they stumble. "Please, please, please get me there!" Tumbles out in a rush

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Paladin continues to be deeply upset. Mercury grabs them and they’re back by Magnus’ side. The family follows.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Blue skids and stumbles to their mate's side, attempting to half pull him I to their lap, and adding their own healing magic to Coryn's. "Beloved? Beloved, listen to me... whatever happens, whatever kind of nightmare bitty you become, I'm still going to love you, okay?" ...Braithe stares at the multiple corrupted nightmares now in the room. he's just watching, but if they try anything, he's very willing to snap this glowing flyboy in half.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Domino carefully approaches Braithe, Licorice at his back. “Hand him over.” He softly requests. “Please.” Magnus whines, barely conscious. He coughs, spurting black sludge. “B…Blue?”

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 For just one instant, it seems like he'll refuse- Then, begrudgingly, he lets go, and vanishes back into the shadows, with the low growl that if they lose control of him again, they won't get him back again. Blue strokes his head, "Mmhm, I'm here... it's okay. I'm safe. You're safe... it's okay."

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 The bitties catch Paladin and Licorice coils tendrils around his neck, squeezing and gritting his teeth from Paladin’s frantic clawing and explosions of light until the Dream finally loses consciousness. The goopdads drag him off to the side, keeping him secure in their tendrils, ready to knock him right back out again should he wake up in the same mood. Magnus whimpers and moans, leaning into Blue’s touch. “What’s…. happ- happening?”

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...easy," Blue whispers, "there was a fight, you got hurt- but you're safe. you just need to heal. focus on me, please... beloved." healing magic all but encapsulates them both, and Coryn yields to it, letting them take things from here. He gets to his feet, staring at the place his brother had been, breathing hard from the magic use- - then starts out after him.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Magnus whimpers. Huitzi appears, picks both of them up, and frantically blasts through the two such a powerful burst of positivity that Magnus screams, vomits sludge and loses consciousness, every last bit of corruption exorcised from him all at once. September 29, 2020

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:57 AM The massive positivity hits them, and a sense like relief, as still they struggle not to let go of their mate- followed by unconsciousness, because so so much aura, if largely happy unconsciousness. Coryn can be heard calling for his brother with increasing franticness, not far in the distance.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 1:09 PM The Nightmare bitties are on the ground, wailing, those with goop sizzling. "Brah!" Fresh flies over, battering Huitzi's face with his wings. "Aura off! You're hurtin' everybody!" Huitzi gasps, the positivity immediately vanishing, placing his unconscious passengers on the ground and taking several steps back. "I'm- I'm sorry!" He stutters.(edited)

with-bells-uponYesterday at 1:11 PM ...Blue doesn't stir. they'll be out for a while. Coryn flies back in, does a double take at Huitzi, looks at the damaged nightmares, and flies closer to the tall paladin. "easy." he soothes, "look at me, okay big guy? don't run away,  its going to be okay... dont leave, your friends still need your help."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 1:18 PM "I- I can't-" Huitzi shakes, hiding within his wings. "I'll just hurt them more!"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 1:19 PM "...hold out your hand for me. your aura can't hurt me." [1:23 PM] some short distance away, a skelegoat bitty 'drops' by the corrupted nightmares, teleporting in, and for a moment just stares at the injured bitties. ...a sigh, and the phantom winged one kneels by the closest, and begins offering heals... stars, the smell...

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 1:25 PM A shaking hand pokes through the feathers. Mercury whimpers, leaning vaguely toward the source of healing.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 1:28 PM Uriah rests his hands on the younger goop, mumbling quietly about how he'd better not get stabby like his uncle does... "well, not to me, but-" Healing magic flowing through him, curious, tingling gold and silver magics. Coryn lands lightly on the hand. "-listen to me, okay?" Fluff dad is in, well, dad mode. "I know what it's like to hurt someone with my aura. My brother is corrupted... it happened more than once, especially when we were younger. Are you listening?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 1:30 PM Mercury's whines fade to purrs. A tentacle gently curls around Uriah's hand. Huitzi nods, wings gently parting. He's crying.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 1:37 PM Coryn approaches, slowly. "Braithe and I were taken to a fell world, shortly after we came to be. We were all the other had, and in a world where we were 'valuable commodity.' Especially me. My brother broke more than one of my bones, I left him with more than one burn. " "-we did everything for each other, even when we fought. and sometimes it wasn't possible to protect without hurting at the same time. But every time, we would heal the damage we did. Because our magics might be opposing, quick to hurt, but healing magic doesn't care about that." "They need healing. And I can't do it. I spent too much time in that world, and ut took it's toll. my magic will never be strong again." "...If theres going to be healing, you need to do it. Uriah gives Mercury soft pats as he heals. "Dad's right, you are cuddly." He whispers.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 1:39 PM "I- I-" Huitzi looks to the bitties, uncertain. "I don't know if I can-" Mercury purrs, nuzzling into the pats. Happy, mostly non-hurty boy.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 1:47 PM "...why? is your healing ability connected to your aura? have you never healed your friends before?" he was pretty sure this was unlikely, so- "-accidents happen. we hurt people we care about. no matter how hard we try not to... everyone does. the important thing is to make sure we do our best to make it right." Uriah looks up at the pair, then pats Mercury one more time before drawing away. "Okay, i need to go find my uncle now... dumbass got himself burned somehow. think you can help heal the others, or convince the tall feathery glowstock there to do it?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 1:50 PM Mercury whines at new healy friend leaving. "You're- you're right." Huitzi exhales, trying to calm his shaking. "I will do my best to repair them."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 2:02 PM Coryn sighs in relief, patting Huitzi gently. "Now I've gotta go find my brother... again. I don't know where he's hiding, but I felt when he picked up burns from your smaller doppelganger there. And, probably get between him and my son. Again."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 2:35 PM "Please call me if you require any help." Huitzi says, gently petting the bitty back and placing him on the ground. "...and thank you."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 2:53 PM Coryn climbs down, pauses, and smiles up at him softly, before lifting his wings, and flying off again. Tired fluffdad...

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 2:57 PM Huitzi approaches the bitties, healing them slowly and carefully, making sure to stop when they show any signs of discomfort, soothing them with pets, and getting back to healing until their smiling and purring.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 3:00 PM ...Fluffdad doesn't return... After several minutes though, his son does, looking over the group curiously. The skelegoat bitty adjusts his glasses, waiting to be noticed- or not, in which case he'll just continue eavesdropping.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 3:22 PM Huitzi sits, the bitties (and Blue) gathered in his arms. The Nightmares purr, fully healed and drowsy, gently nuzzling him. Huitzi gently pets Magnus and Blue, eyes sad and full of regret.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 3:25 PM ...good enough, then. Uriah moves to slip away, not liking to leave his biggie alone-(edited)

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 3:33 PM "Fwiend?" Mercury mumbles, looking up, tentacles wagging weakly.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 3:34 PM Uriah pauses, and looks back, a smile playing about his expression. "Caught, huh?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 3:47 PM "Fwiend!" Mercury wiggles, holding out his hands. "Wan' hug!"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 3:52 PM "...sure?" Uriah heads closer, made curious by this behavior. The skelegoat bitty has unmistably fellish features, the sharp teeth, the added but of claw, the scattering of scars here and there across bone, including one that just grazed his socket. His eyelights are a light, easy going sort of gold however... a gold that extends in faint stains beneath his eyes, like tears that never quite faded. ribbons of faded black can be seen here and there as well, like more stains... left by corruption this time. ...his wings are a faint silver, almost more felt than seen, phantasmal things... Uriah reaches down to accept the hug, humming softly. "Feel better, do you?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 4:10 PM "Yuh huh!" Mercury nuzzles him, purring softly. "T'ank you for healies!" Huitzi looks down on them, smiling.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 4:12 PM A sound of amusement, rubbing the others back. "Well I mean, if your dad adopted my dad's son, I'm pretty sure that makes us family, right?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 4:14 PM Mercury makes a delighted noise, squeezing him. "New brudder! Yaaaaaay!!!"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 4:16 PM ...more pats. Uriah's a bit confused, but oh well. "New brother." He agrees. "That means you have another brother, and a baby sister too. But let's take this one step at a time."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 4:25 PM Mercury squees. "So many family!" He purrs, nuzzling. "Best day ever."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 4:33 PM "...it's not on my list of worst, anyway." the skelegoat hums, "my name Uriah, what's yours?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 4:45 PM "Mercury!" He says, a bit of clarity coming back to his eyes. "You gots a pwetty name!"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 4:48 PM "Thanks, you to-" a snarl comes from a room nearby, and Uriah smiles, relaxing. "Good. Dad found my uncle... he's gonna grumble and growl and curse the whole time he gets healed. Always does."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 4:50 PM "Is gonna be okay?" Mercury looks towards the sound.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 4:55 PM a chuckle, "yeah. he'll be fine. those two know each other's limits by now- and I'm pretty sure dad is on a short list of people he makes a point not to hurt. not anymore anyway." maybe a bit ominous... but he seems pretty confident. "-uncle just doesn't like admitting weakness. so he gets extra snarly when anyone suggests he needs help with stuff."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 4:58 PM "Sounds like Nightshade!" Mercury giggles.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 4:59 PM "...maybe. wanna know a secret?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 5:03 PM "Yah!" Mercury nods.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 5:05 PM A smile, kind of hard to read, but not unfriendly. "I'm pretty sure you lot are the first time either of them have even laid eyes on another dream or nightmare bitty. Bet they both did a few doubletakes, huh?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 5:06 PM "Your dad thought I was gonna stab him when I asked for a hug." Mercury giggles. "Was really happy when I was all cuddly instead."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 5:15 PM Uriah laughs, despite himself. "Well, like I said, the only other nightmare bitty he's ever met is my uncle... and while dad might be safe from him?" maybe less humor now, as he admits with a soft hum, "well. let's just say dad wasn't well suited for a fell world- but my uncle fit in just fine." "...and you should definitely cuddle him at every opportunity. definitely."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 5:16 PM "I will!" Mercury smiles. "I love cuddles! Cuddles are the best! I used to be real small and my momma could pick me up and hug me and it was awesome!"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 5:21 PM Something soft briefly touches Uriah's gaze. "Huh. Sounds nice." "...my biggie is really cuddly with me. carries me around in his scarf, that kind of thing. we have fun together."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 5:27 PM "Your biggie sounds really nice!" Mercury smiles.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 5:29 PM "...opinion varies." he admits, somewhat ruefully. he's quiet for a few seconds after this, before sighing, and smiling ruefully. "yeah, I'm gonna go check on him. I don't like leaving him around his stepbrother for too long without anyone to run interference for him."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 5:35 PM "Okay!" Mercury squeezes him. "Be safe!"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:19 PM A sound of, maybe find amusement, as he squeezes back. "Sure. Probably." Before this can be questioned, he's managed to slip free and teleport away. Slippery fellow.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:21 PM "Bye Uriah!" Mercury waves after.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:23 PM ...Blue finally shifts, just a little.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:25 PM "Mom!" Mercury is by their side instantly, Huitzi gently putting the lot of them down and taking a few steps back.(edited)

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:38 PM Blue sits up, blinking slowly... they brighten to see Mercury, than freeze for one full instant, turning quickly back to their mate. Safe?

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:39 PM Safe. Magnus nuzzles against their side. Safe, but still asleep.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:42 PM Deep relief... Blue pulls Mercury close with one arm, Magnus with the other, and just, holds them. It takes several more seconds before they think to look over, and account for the others- -and. Paladin. Oh.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:44 PM The others are sitting up and leaning on each other, still a little groggy. Paladin is still unconscious, nestled between the goopdads, overloaded by positivity and from being choked out.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:48 PM "..." a shaky breath, before they look back at Mercury, and up to Huitzi, seeking answers. "What. Happened?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:52 PM "...I wasn't careful with my magic." Huitzi says softly, ashamed. "It affected more than just Magnus. The others were hurt." "I healed them the best I could." He bows his head, awaiting judgement. "I deeply, truly apologize for my actions. If you want me gone, simply say the word."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:54 PM Blue looks puzzled, having, largely missed this part. "i dont know what you're talking about, but... you wouldn't hurt any of us on purpose. And, we missed you too much, and wanted you back too much, to want you gone." "...I meant... what happened with Paladin?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:58 PM Huitzi looks beyond relieved. "Thank you for your kindness." He says before looking to Paladin. "...I do not know. He was unconscious when I arrived."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 10:59 PM "...he, stabbed Magnus..." [10:59 PM] "..." "Why?"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 10:59 PM Huitzi frowns. "What led up to this?"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:03 PM Blue goes quiet, thinking. "We, met Bells' sibling. Er, brother. An Ink with a soul, and a cute smol. And, a lot of hurt, i guess. It involved black 2.0 and- also hurting someone out of jealousy. It was honestly a lot all at once, but-" "-Pal got bristly, Magnus informed everyone he was our son now too, and refused to get away from him when Pal said and-" "And Paladin tackled him, and they vanished, i- I should have followed sooner, but i didn't think-!"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 11:20 PM Huitzi is quiet, looking at the brothers. “I assume you are aware that when a pair of apple twins spawn, it is a 50/50 chance of them being bitter enemies or loving brothers. Sometimes, even after their dynamic has been decided, it is possible for them to switch, albeit temporarily. When tempers get heated, or things get emotional.” He looks to Blue. “It can be impossible to detect when this sort of thing is going to happen, when a simple argument can escalate into a battle to the death. Please, do not blame yourself.” He holds out his hand, a gentle offering of comfort. “They will likely be fine and deeply regretful once they awake, but it is likely best to keep them apart for the time being. Just in case.”

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:24 PM ...okay. they'll just, never trust them to ever go off alone when they're angry again. but. they shouldve gone after them... Blue closes their eyes, nuzzling their large friend. "I didn't know." They whisper, voice shaking softly. "That's... terrifying. I- I'm glad they won't still hate each other later-" probably "but, it could happen again. I don't know what I would do, if-"

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 11:28 PM His thumb strokes their head. "Lucky we know several necromancers, yes?" An attempt at a joke. A bad one, but an attempt nevertheless.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:34 PM "..." it, successfully does manage to summon a smile, if a weak one. "yeah. guess so."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 11:35 PM Huitzi looks pleased. Magnus grunts, and starts to stir.

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:37 PM Blues attention immediately turns to him- then to Pal- then to Huitzi. "Um. Maybe you could... see that they have that 'some time apart' thing?" They plead.

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 11:40 PM Huitzi's hand withdraws and he carefully extracts Paladin from between the goopdads, holding him to his chest and taking several steps away. Magnus' eyes open slightly. "Hmmwhazzuh?"

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:44 PM Okay, relief... Blue wraps their arms around Magnus, nuzzling him gently. "Beloved~ Feel any better? You had me worried there."

AskbittyerrorYesterday at 11:50 PM The eyes close again and he purrs, nuzzling them back. "'m not dead, so I think I'm good."

with-bells-uponYesterday at 11:52 PM "Good..." they're just, gonna hold him. A lot. "I love you, Magnus. And I swear if you die, I will so send our kid after you." September 30, 2020

AskbittyerrorToday at 12:00 AM Magnus snorts. "Right back at you." A soft kiss. "Love you too, Blue."

with-bells-uponToday at 12:16 PM a kiss, deep, deep relief... and another... and, another... and then they just hold onto him, and pull Mercury close again too. "No more scary stuff for one visit, okay?"

AskbittyerrorToday at 12:19 PM "Agreed." Magnus nods, Mercury vibrating and nuzzling his parents. "...where's Pal?"

with-bells-uponToday at 12:22 PM Blue hesitates at this, drawing back enough to meet their mate's gaze. "...he's with Huitzi." they answer, unsure how he's going to react, whether he remembers, what will happen if he still needs to remember...

AskbittyerrorToday at 12:31 PM Magnus winces and rubs at the new scar on his chest. "Can't believe I actually pissed him off enough to try and kill me."

with-bells-uponToday at 12:41 PM "..." nuzzles again, sighing, "Huitzi... says it's something thst can happen sometimes, when tempers are heated. with 'apple twins.'" The enchanter rests their hand over his, where it rests over the scar. "Please tell me it's only as deep as bone?" They press, unmistakable worry here "...tell me you don't have a scar to match mine?" damaged bone, healed more easily then a damaged soul...

[wintersxsoul]

The Night We Danced

Summary: Two dorks in love that have to wait to get drunk to confess their feelings.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Maybe some language, drunk people and I think mentions of sex?? 

A/N: This is my entry for my dearest @writingsoftheloser 1k historical writing challenge! I got the Victorian Era, so I came up with this longass nonsense. I hope you enjoy and as always, feedback and reblogs are free and make me really happy and motivated <3

  Bucky Barnes was a dancer.

He sometimes had flashes of his old life in the late 30’s and 40’s, long summer nights dancing with beautiful dames, little Stevie by his side laughing and stepping in the ladies’ shoes. Everything was much more simpler, happier, but war happened and the dances turned into battles, the warm hands that he was used to hold became rifles and glocks. The jazzy tunes turned into gunfire, dates turned into risky missions and the thought of a long happy life turned into dust when he fell off that train.

Bucky Barnes stopped being a dancer to be a soldier, a spy, a deadly assassin.

They had taken all he was away, all his memories, his hopes and dreams. Everything was wiped but not his motor skills or knowledge. They turned him into the most efficient soldier, cold and calculating, his only motive in life was completing his missions. He had killed mercilessly, not questioning even once who was in front of the gun, he just knew he had to pull the trigger.

Everything changed the moment Steve Rogers, his best friend since childhood, found him 70 years after being used and tortured. Steve saved him from the claws of Hydra and gave him the opportunity to gain back his own self, to finally give his life meaning again.

His life changed drastically when he joined the Avengers, he could use his unrequired skills to help people, to save lives. He had his closest friends, Steve of course, Sam, Nat and then he met you. Once he was able to recover almost all his memories, he had a long heartfelt conversation with Natasha since she had suffered in similar ways. The brainwashing, the body killing training, the horrors of the Cold War and the cruelty of the Red Room.

You and Nat were inseparable, both becoming SHIELD agents the same year. You were a freelance hitwoman, both of your missions were to kill the same target. But before you could kill each other, SHIELD stepped in and rescued both of you, seeing your potential and the ability to do the missions other agents weren’t able to. When Bucky first came to the compound, you were away because your last mission went badly and it almost killed you, so Fury and Steve decided it was better for you to lay low for a while. Months went by and Bucky’s curiosity only grew, he really wanted to meet you, since everyone talked about you like you were an angel. When the time came to finally meet you, everything he ever heard about you was not nearly accurate to him. You were as much of a mystery as Nat, but unlike her, you opened up to him fastly, trusting him blindly. You both held each other on your worst nights and were also there for the other when you needed a good laugh.

You could have never imagined that the infamous Winter Soldier could be such an absolute dork with such a pure heart and soul. At first he was a bit sulky and moody, he was like a ghost around the compound, but months of therapy and help from his friends turned him into the man he was today, the man you loved deeply, even though you lied to yourself trying to make it seem like a platonic feeling. For years you remained as best friends, until the masquerade ball Tony organized for Natasha’s birthday.

“So, what are your plans for the party?” You asked Bucky nonchalantly while you looked for costume designers online. He looked up from his book and shrugged, he really didn’t know what you meant but he knew you would elaborate. You closed your laptop and placed it on your nightstand, all your attention on your friend now. You laid across the bed, resting your head on his lap. You were staring at the ceiling so you totally missed Bucky’s adoring gaze.

“Well, apart from getting hammered with Thor’s Asgardian alcohol, I don’t really know.” You rolled your eyes internally at his comment. You laid on your stomach so you could face him, your chin resting on your hands on top of his chest.

“Obviously you are doing that, but it’s not what I meant.” Bucky chuckled and you rolled your eyes. You weren’t sure about asking him to be your partner, maybe he was planning on going with someone else, maybe he wanted to go on his own. You cleared your throat while reaching out to fiddle with the laces of his hoodie nervously.

“Are you going with someone?” He frowned, realizing that you didn’t assume (like he did) that you were going together. Maybe you were planning to go with a date? He knew it had been more than a year since you had dated someone so maybe you wanted to use the party as an excuse to do so?

“What you mean with someone? I d-”

“You should ask Sarah from Forensics, I’ve heard she has a huge crush on you. She’s sooo soft and pretty. I have her number if you wa-”

“Okay, Y/n stop right there. I am not going with Sarah or with anyone else but you.” His eyes widened at his own boldness but he quickly found a logical explanation.

“I mean, we always go together to this kind of shitty parties we both dread. But if you are going with someone else is fine.”

“Yeah, yeah I just thought that maybe you wanted to go with an actual date and not your best friend.” He tousled your hair and you whined jokingly. He mumbled “dork” and you stuck your tongue out.

“My best friend is pretty cool and when she gets drunk the party starts, so I am not missing that for Sarah from Forensics.”

“Oh god James, and I am the dork? You absolute dumbass.” You shook your head in amusement and sat on the bed, putting your disheveled hair in a low ponytail. You slapped him lightly on the right shoulder and got down of the bed, gathering your stuff.

“I can’t stand to see that beautiful stupid face right now, I have to look for a fucking dress. You better wear something in dark red cause, you know it-”

“it’s my color” he mocked you using a high pitched tone of voice and laughed at the face of disgust you jokingly pulled off.

“Fuck you.”

“Why don’t you f-” His sentence was cut off by the bang of his door closing but you already knew what he said. You rolled your eyes and made your way to Nat’s room since you needed to organize shopping days and all that stuff.

-

Bucky Barnes was a dancer and fortunately he still had some moves, but waltzing was out of his league. He knew what a masquerade was of course, so the fact that he had to learn how to dance a completely different style was...frightening to say the least. He talked about it with Steve so they both were headed now to a masterclass while their dates were out shopping. Nat had asked Steve as her date because she wanted to go with his best friend. Their friendship was the most platonic you’ve ever seen and watching them flirt and banter was the highlight of your days. Nat was a fantastic dancer of course, she used to be a fucking ballerina, so she offered to teach you some moves. She was the only one who actually knew your feelings towards Bucky because you had confessed them one night you had drank your weight in vodka and when you saw Bucky’s text asking you to please be careful, you laughed and told her. You didn’t remember that conversation and when Natasha tried to ask you, she realized she shouldn’t bring up the topic until you were ready to believe it yourself.

“Ooof Nat, should I really buy this expensive dress?” You asked her while checking yourself out in the mirror. The dress was absolutely stunning, made of a dark red taffeta or a similar material, short sleeved and a beautiful v-neck, not very revealing but enough to make your babies pop. The bodice hugged your curves and the skirt was puffy.

“Listen, Stark is paying for everything, that includes our dresses. So yes, you are going to buy it.” She stood up and lead you back to the changing room so she could purchase both of your dresses.

Steve sighed heavily at Bucky’s complaints. They’d been dancing for four hours straight and they weren’t getting any better, or at least that’s what they thought. Bucky really couldn’t believe he had been dragged into this mess just because he loved getting drunk with you under any circumstances.

“Come on Buck, don’t worry. You two will probably be too drunk to even stand, why bother so much in learning this shit?” Bucky rolled his eyes and nudged his friend on the shoulder.

“Listen pal, I wanna do this right. You know how much I love dancing so this is just an excuse to learn something new.” He could almost believe his own lie, but Steve knew better. He knew Bucky better than himself, so he obviously knew the unspoken thing that was going on between two of his best friends.

“Okay buddy, whatever you say. I just hope Y/n appreciates all this instead of laughing at you like Sam and Nat are probably going to do.” He muttered something to himself and left the room without saying a word.

“Fucking idiots, I hope they fuck soon.” Steve said to himself before turning around and smiling at the dance teacher.

“Let’s do this Janet, I have a very dangerous woman to impress tonight.”

-

“I really, really, really, really regret the day I gave you access to come into my room whenever you want to.” You told Bucky, who was laying on your bed on his stomach, his face buried in the pillows. You slumped next to him and buried your face in the pillows as well. You really thought you looked like idiots but you couldn’t care less.

“Can we stay here? We can watch one of those victorian romantic movies you love and get wasted on our own.”

“You know I would love to, but Nat would kill us. Besides, you hate those movies.”

“I was just trying to persuade you Barnes, you don’t need to be so rude.” You stood up and opened your first drawer, pulling out the two masks you had bought throwing Bucky’s to his head and he responded with a fake “ouch”. He sat on the bed and looked at you amused, the small mask in his hands.

“And you have the nerve to call me rude. I already have my mask and I won’t show it to you until tonight.”

“Wow, sorry for thinking about you and your shitty memory, old man.”

“You know what Y/n? I’ll see you tonight before I throw myself out of that balcony.” You giggled at his fake tantrum. You really loved your friendship with Bucky, because even though you were always joking around each other, you had your backs. He was always there and so were you.

“You want me to walk you to your room?” He frowned at you but his eyes widened when he realized what you were about to say, but you said it before he could cut you off. “In case you don’t remember where your room is at.”

“That was one time Y/n, please let it go.”

“Never.” And with that said, he left. You giggled remembering the first night you two got drunk together. It was the first time Bucky had tried Thor’s alcohol so he was excited to finally get drunk after all those decades. He drank by himself almost three flasks and encouraged you to drink a bottle of vodka on your own, so at 6 am, you were stumbling through your room floor because Bucky had forgotten where his own room was, so he wanted to sleep at yours.

You took a last look at yourself in your mirror and placed the mask in its place. It was a shame that Bucky had decided not to wear the mask you’d bought for him, but his taste was pretty great so you knew it was going to be amazing.

When you reached the party the place was already full of people. Everyone was dancing to the slow melodies or drinking at the bar. You noticed that Tony had removed all the furniture from the room so it looked like a grand dance hall, the usual modern lamps he owned were replaced by huge golden crystal chandeliers, the windows were covered by thick curtains that looked like the ones European palaces had. The cream and golden tones of all the decoration gave a really regal look to the party, the soft glow of the candles in the bar and the sound of champagne glasses relaxed your senses.

You fixed your long silk gloves and sighed, moving through the crowd towards the bar, where Nat stood chatting with who you assumed it was Steve, Sam was behind the counter pouring alcohol to his half empty glass.

“You mind filling this lady’s glass?” Sam smirked and you winked at him. He raised his eyebrow under his cream and red mask and he took out a tall glass.

“What would the lady like to drink?” He rested both of his palms in the counter, looking at you with an amused look in his eyes.

“Vodka on the rocks, s'il vous plait.” You heard Nat choke on her drink and Steve turned to look at you while Sam just poured your drink, a smile playing on his lips.

“Aren’t we starting a bit early, Y/n? Your date is not even here.” You shrugged at Sam’s comment and took the glass when he handed it.

“Since you all seemed so surprised with my drinking choices, I’m going. I need an unjudging friend right now.” You waved your hand gracefully and moved towards the centre, trying to find Bucky. After five minutes and an empty glass, you saw his bulking figure talking to some woman. You needed a moment to gather your thoughts because he looked absolutely sinful with the outfit he was wearing. The black pants marked all his muscles, specially his thighs, those fucking thighs that drove you insane and his ass...you shook your head trying to stop your mind. You needed another drink.

“Wow look who’s back and empty handed!” Steve said to the small group. You nudged him in the ribs and asked Sam for another glass of alcohol.

“Why are you this flustered Y/n?” Nat asked you when she noticed your flushed cheeks. You fixed your mask trying to hide your nervousness and failing miserably.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Your three friends shared a knowing look and you rolled your eyes, finishing your drink in two sips and encouraged by the burning liquid, you went to where Bucky was. You could now see his whole outfit perfectly and your heart swelled. He was wearing a black ruffled shirt with a black and dark red embroidered vest and a black tail coat. His face was covered by a simple half Venetian mask, decorated with the same colors as the outfit’s. He was chatting with some agent you couldn’t recognize and you felt a pang of jealousy at how he was looking at her, smiling and touching her. At that moment you realized the alcohol was kicking in and that’s why you were having those stupid thoughts. You approached your friend and placed your gloved hand to his shoulder, indicating him that you were besides him and waiting for him to pay attention to you. You catched a part of the conversation and they were talking about one of the last missions the undercover agents did, so after a court nod from Bucky and a brief goodbye from her, his eyes were on you.

“Well, look at you!” He smiled at you warmly and you felt something flip inside you. “How did you recognize me?”

“Oh boy, you can mask that face all you want but you can’t mask those thighs.” You smirked and he started laughing at your comment, making you feel proud of your wittiness.

“How drunk are you already?” You brought your hand up between your bodies and pressed your thumb and index together whispering “a little” so only he could hear it.

“Lucky for you, I drank almost a flask, so that makes us dangerous already. Wanna dance?” He extended his hand and you took it accepting his invitation. You suddenly felt really nervous since it was the first time you were going to slow dance with him but unbeknown to you, Bucky Barnes felt sick due to his nerves. He wanted this to work, he wanted to show you and the world that he was still capable of being a soft person, not this cold calculative soldier with a dark past.

The feeling of his hand on your waist and your other hands intertwined was intoxicating you, your bodies pressed together, the only thing between you two were your clothes. You spinned around the room for what felt like eternity, time for you had stopped and everyone had disappeared.

You burst the small bubble you were both in saying you needed a drink, Bucky stopped swaying you and with your hands still intertwined, went to the empty bar.

“I’ve always loved the Victorian Era, you know?” He said while giving you a glass full of vodka, and took a sip of his flask. “The clothes, the courting, the chivalry and all that fuss.” He smiled sadly at you thinking that you wouldn’t notice.

“If you could, would you go back in time and stay?”

He took another sip, now longer, and shook his head. “Of course not, you wouldn’t be there.” He blurted out without thinking and you just giggled at the comment.

“Oh Barnes, don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure you would make good friends there as well.” You gave him a sincere smile and he shook his head again, taking another sip of the flask, this time a long one. You looked down at your glass and twirled the straw, looking at how the ice cubes collided with each other.

“I love you.” You jerked your head up and maybe it was the alcohol clouding your mind or the denial of your own feelings, but you didn’t notice his intense gaze, filled with love and adoration.

“And I love you too, you idiot. As my best friend, you should know that already.” You placed your lips around the straw and finished the whole drink, Bucky still looking at you shocked that you rejected his feelings without you noticing.

“No, Y/n, what I mean is that I’m-”

“You are what, Barnes?” Nat cut Bucky off and you threw yourself into her arms, kissing her face and wishing her a happy birthday. “I missed you, Nat. Where were you?” You started talking to her totally ignoring your friend, who got that as his cue to leave the party. He would never blame you for not feeling the same or not even noticing his feelings, that was totally on him, but he didn’t feel well enough to stay in the party. He knew you wanted him there, to get drunk together and then both of you ending up throwing up in the sink and the toilet, but tonight he needed to breathe, he needed to get out of the crowd.

“Hey, where is going Bucky?” Asked Steve while he approached Nat and you. You frowned and looked at the entrance, catching a glimpse of Bucky’s broad shoulders and hair leaving the party. “I’ll be back in a sec.” You said and stumbled down the bar stool, heading towards the entrance half running.

“We both know they are not coming back, right?” Steve said to Nat, a strong nod and a sigh answered his comment.

You ran as fast as your drunken state let you but before you could notice you slipped with the dress and fell.

“FUCK” You screamed to the empty hall and took off your heels and gloves, standing up trying not to fall again on your ass. Bucky was nowhere to be seen so you headed to his room, your head spinning due to the alcohol.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky startled you, making you lose balance but he caught you before you could fall again.

“I was just checking that you got to your room safely, since you know, you get lost and all that.” You laughed at his fake hurt expression and straightened your clothes. You noticed that he had taken off his mask and that you were still wearing yours. “Why did you leave?”

“I’m feeling a bit sick, I think I drank too mu-”

“James, if you don’t tell me what the fuck is wrong I’ll torture you until you do. The drinking excuse is the worst you could’ve used with me.”

Bucky sighed defeated, he knew he had to get it off his chest, after three years carrying this on his own, he needed to let the words out, he needed you to know. He reached for the laces of your mask and took it off, placing a strand of hair behind your ear and cupping your cheek.

“I love you, Y/n.” You rolled your eyes in fake annoyance just to mess up with him.

“Baby, we already established that I lov-”

“Y/n, you are not listening. I am in love with you. I want to be your best friend, your lover, your partner in crime and your drunk buddy.”

You stared at him wide eyed, not knowing what to answer or to do. He caressed your cheek with his thumb and you gasped at the feeling, making Bucky think that you were rejecting the act. You stopped him from moving his hand and he leaned in, his lips brushing yours lightly.

“Either you kiss me or I faint, so make a m-” And just like that, his lips crashed against yours with a passion and hunger you’ve never felt in your entire life. He pressed you against the door, the stupid huge dress stopping you from feeling anything. Your brain finally woke up and you realized what was going on. Bucky Barnes loved you, he was in love with you. And you were in love with him. You pulled away and stopped him, making him step backwards scared that he did something you didn’t want to.

“You love me?” You really asked him, thinking that maybe your brain was betraying you. He nodded and looked away, not wanting to see the rejection in your eyes.

“Hey coward, look at me.” You held his chin and forced him to look at you. “I love you too, always have. I was just too damn scared to admit it to even myself.” He smiled and kissed you again, this time slower, pouring every ounce of love he had for you in the kiss.

“What now?” He asked you once he pulled away to breathe. He had his hand on the back of your neck, caressing your skin with his thumb.

“As much as I’d love you to fuck me against every surface on that room, I am drunk and tired and I need to process everything.” He nodded and waited for you to come up with what you wanted to do next. “So you are going to take this dress off me carefully cause I can’t do it on my own and it’s expensive as fuck, you are going to give me one for your shirts and we are sleeping, together.” He nodded again and smiled, leaning in again to give your lips a small peck.

“Consider it done, asshole.”

[negasonicimagines]

Gladdest (Soulmate AU)

For this, I’ll be using the soulmate AU where what happens to your soulmate’s body happens to you. I’m not sure who originally came up with this. Basically, how it works, is like, if your soulmate gets punched in the face, you feel like you’ve been punched in the face. If your soulmate dies, you don’t die, but you feel it. Same with broken bones, you’ll feel it, but your arm won’t actually be broken. But not just pain, other stuff. Like if your soulmate cries, you’ll feel it, but you don’t cry unless they’re super heartbroken, or if they get a really good hug you feel it, too. In my version of this AU, the pain and other feeling doesn’t start until you turn sixteen. Imagine how fucked up it would be if that wasn’t the case and you had a partner older than you? Like, while 13-year old Bill gets in a fight, his soulmate, who is only 3, feels the same punches and kicks. It’d be so fucked up.

warnings: nsfw (but no actual sex, just a lot of talking about it [and masturbation] and some sexually tense scenes), the reader nearly has a panic attack (again, i know, sorry. what can I say? I project), & reader has a thing for.... erotic asphyxiation. let me know if i missed anything.

I am very open to writing a part two with smut... I just chickened out with this because I felt it wouldn’t be good writing.

You’d been sixteen for a little while now, and there hadn’t been much contact from your soulmate aside from the occasional feel of a phone falling on your face and smacking it.

It’s the beginning of a new school year at Xavier’s, and you’re pretty thrilled. Your roommate this year is your best friend, Ellie. Okay, not just your best friend, she’s your crush, too. Do I really have to say, at this point?

“Hey,” she greets you, sounding rather sullen as she enters your dorm, where you sit on the edge of your bed.

“What’s up?” you ask.

“I turned sixteen over the summer and I haven’t felt anything to give me a hint. All my soulmate does is cry.”

“All my soulmate does is drop their phone on their face,” you offer a complaint in return, and the two of you lock eyes for a moment, one of realization.

“No,” Ellie says. “No.” She’s bright red, immediately thinking of just how many hot summer nights she was kept up, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, gasping for breath at the way her soulmate’s fingers curled just right, just fucking right. There’s no way you, her crush and her best friend, were that good.

“No, can’t be,” you agree.

“Could be,” she reminds you.

“It’d make sense,” you admit.

“I hate everyone else but you.”

“We could try to find out,” you suggest.

She pinches herself.

“Ow! Not like that!” You whine, clutching at your arm. “Oh, well, I guess it’s too late th-” Ellie cuts you off with her eyes alone.

“Where does all that energy come from, Y/N?! What are you, the Energizer bunny?! At least three times a night, every night! What the hell?!”

You blush deeply, scratching the back of your neck. You hadn’t exactly expected you’d meet your soulmate anytime soon, or that they’d be bold enough to comment on your habits.

“I dunno, I thought it was normal for kids our age…” you mumble.

“Oh, yeah, well some people like sleeping and not screaming into the pillow because their soulmate has a little too much fun doing the five finger shuffle!”

“Please, louder. I think a few people in Antarctica didn’t hear you,” you retort, looking up at her from where you were sitting with a challenging expression.

“We’ve been friends for all this time and I never knew what a horny bastard you are,” she remarks.

“Well, I’m not the one who was ‘screaming’ in pleasure,” you mutter.

“I heard that!” she says, her expression still adorably indignant.

“If you hated it so much, you should’ve just got those over the counter meds, Antifel or whatever.”

“I- I…” She sighs. “Yeah, I didn’t hate it that much,” she admits, and you smile a bit. “But I wasn’t a fan of the choking,” she adds, gesturing at your scarf, your favorite one that she never would’ve guessed hides the bruises from where you’ve choked yourself with a belt, at least not before. “I’m more of a choker than a ‘chokee’, but, I guess that’d be obvious, wouldn’t it? Considering we’re soulmates and all.”

You nod, your eyes now on your lap, the floor, her tee shirt, the lamp in the corner, anything that isn’t her eyes, and she smirks.

“Oh, so now you’re shy?”

“A little,” you quietly reply, and she sits next to you on your bed.

“Let’s cool down,” she offers. “We’ve just seen each other after months of purely texting and the occasional phone call.”

“Thanks,” you respond, finding it easier to breathe.

“Why were you crying so much?” Ellie asks, addressing her original observation.

“Just depressed and lonely and stuff. I don’t have friends in my hometown, not like you.”

“You’ll always have me,” she says. “I mean it.”

“I’d hope so, soulmate,” you laugh off the seriousness of the conversation, and she sighs, looking to your eyes with her own soulful ones.

“I’m glad it’s you,” she tells you.  “I don’t think I’d be able to stand anyone else.”

“Yeah, right!” you huff out a laugh, confused at her sudden emotional openness. Sure, she was more honest about her feelings with you than anyone else, but that didn’t mean that she was a completely open book. Who was?

“You’re not disappointed, are you?” Ellie wonders because of your remark.

“God, no! I- I actually have a really big crush on you,” you admit.

“Yeah?” she asks, the cutest little grin on her face, you know the one. “I have a crush on you, too.”

You blush again.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m not very good at flirting or anything like that. I don’t really care about much of anyone at all, and you’re definitely the only person I’ve really cared about in a romantic way, so…”

“No, it’s not that! I- You- You being really good at flirting is what’s got me like this. And the fact that I’m a dork who’s really bad at flirting contributes,” you explain.

“I am? Good at flirting, I mean.”

“Well, with me, at least,” you tell her.

“Um… Sorry if it’s lame to ask, but… Can I kiss you?”

“Of course! And it’s not lame to ask at all, El, I appreciate it actua- Mmf!”

You could live forever in the feeling of her lips on yours, her hands oh-so carefully holding your cheeks.

“Sorry,” she shyly says, as she slowly pulls away from you, looking in your eyes. “I’ve just been wanting to do that for a really, really long time. Pretty much since we met, actually.”

“R-really?” you ask, a bit breathless and definitely still flustered.

“Yeah, you’re perfect. In, like, every way. It’s the worst and the best.”

“I’m perfect?! But you’re- You’re you!” you argue, and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes. “I’m so lucky.”

“No, I’m the lucky one,” she disagrees.

“We can both be lucky,” you tell her, and she sighs.

“I suppose that’s a good compromise,” she decides. “So, what should we do before dinner? We’ve got a couple hours to kill, but I don’t think either of us has much more to say that wouldn’t be repetitive or… Something.” She blushes again, cheeks bright pink.

You blush back, reminded that she knew all about you and the things you did to yourself behind doors. “R-right,” you reply. Hey, you may be a horny motherfucker, but that doesn’t make you any less of a bottom.

“Can I see?” she asks, touching at your scarf. You nod, and she unwraps the scarf. She carefully touches the spotted bruises with her fingers. “With the belt you’re wearing?”

You can’t even speak. You nod, and the ghost of a smile graces her face before she just barely presses her lips to the bruises closest to her, on the side of your neck. Your hand quickly grabs her bicep tightly, and she stops, looking to you with concern.

“I’m so sorry, I got a bit carried aw-”

“No, no, it’s good, I’m just… Sensitive there,” you admit, and one of the biggest smiles you’ve seen her wear is on her lips.

“Yeah?” she asks, taking her crossbody bag off of her shoulder and opening it. She takes out a bottle of Antifel pills. “How sensitive?”

“Oh God, um… I- Um…” Your nerves are really getting to you, and your breathing gets heavier as you stare at the bottle. This is really happening. It’s really happening. You’d always wanted to, especially with her, but now that it’s a reality, you feel on the brink.

Ellie can recognize that look in your eyes, and it’s a look she’d hoped she’d never be the cause of.

“Shit, Y/N. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I- Um, I just- I want to? But I- I just- I don’t know, it’s just getting really hard to breathe, and uh, not in a hot way,” you joke nervously.

“Hey, you can want to and not be ready to right this minute. We haven’t even been on a date yet, okay? I’m really sorry if I made you feel like you had to do anything you didn’t want to,” Ellie tells you, and she feels immensely guilty either way.

“No! I liked you kissing me, especially where you did, but, you’re right. We should probably adjust to the news and put a label on whatever this is before we do anything too serious.”

Ellie nods. “You always were the more logical one. I’ll put these in the medicine cabinet and we can just… Talk about stuff, like we always do.”

“But with more kissing and cuddling, I hope?” you request, and she nods, going to put the bottle away before returning to find you bundled up in her comforter. “It’s so cozy…” you practically sing, at least to her.

“This is a dream,” she sighs happily, slipping off her shoes and joining you in her bed. You spoon her side, and she hums in content, stroking your hair.

“You’re in a good mood,” you comment. Ellie is not a very cheerful person, at least not openly. So, to see her like this was surprising.

“Yeah, of course I am. It’s you. It’s really you. I’ve never been happier in my life,” she says, having really been hit with the fact that you’re her soulmate. All hers. “All mine…” she hums.

“You really know how to make a girl feel special… I mean it. I’m really not all that.”

“Please be my girlfriend,” she requests.

“Only if you’ll be mine,” you reply, and she scoffs.

“I think that’s how that works, babe.”

Your heart skips a beat and you stare at her in wonder.

“Sorry for not asking if pet names were okay…It’s just something I like, it’s really stupid.”

“No, I really like it, hence the dumb stare and the lack of breathing.”

She chuckles, holding you tighter. You smile with her, glad that she’s happy.

“I hope you don’t feel like you have to over-exaggerate how happy you are. It’s okay if you’re not ridiculously happy about finding your soulmate.”

“Oh, no, I’m as happy as I sound. I’m, uh, definitely a textbook case of Lesbian That’s A Grumpy Bitch Til She Gets A Girlfriend. But then again, I’ll probably just be a significantly less grumpy bitch to everyone but you, sorry.”

“I don’t mind, I like you being your bitchy self,” you reply, being rewarded with a kiss placed atop your head that sends tingles dancing down your body. “Mm… I like that.”

“Good,” Ellie responds. “I’m glad.”

“I’m gladder,” you tease.

“I’m gladdest...”

[fairycosmos]

urgent!!! I FEEL SO LONELY MY CHEST HURTS AND IM CRYING. I CANT EVEN TELL ANYBODY EVEN THE CLOSEST PERSON TO ME BC I DONT WANT TO INFECT THEM WITH SADNESS BC I WANT TO THE BE KIND OF PERSON WHO RADIATES HAPPINESS BUT IM JUST NOT IM ALWAYS SAD AND I AM JUST NOT THAT KIND. I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY AND CONTENTED WITH WHO AND WHAT I HAVE BUT IM JUST NOT. I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE IM NOTHING, I FEEL SO WORTHLESS AND THAT I DONT DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND IM SO HUNGRY FOR LOVE

hey babeyyyy. i'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this rn and like i can't tell you how much i relate but still i,,,, can't imagine the extent of your specific type of pain god :(( i got your other message and yeah PLEASE let's just fucking drink wine together and scream at the universe for being so unforgiving and unfair. :(( it sucks because i know there's nothing i can say to change your core beliefs but i am eternally proud of you for getting through these episodes and for managing to get by on a day to day basis. it's not easy and you deserve all the credit in the universe, dude. listen not to be dramatic but self hatred is literally a position that morphs every situation into something it's not. i know all the bad things you think about yourself seem like 100% fact, like there's no room for argument or alternative thought, but that truly is the trick of the sadness. i am telling you straight up from a perspective that is not biased by your own negative emotions: you are not unlovable. just because you're alone right now doesn't mean you always will be, and it is not a measurement of your worth as a person. it is totally okay to lose it and to cry and to feel overwhelmed at times, but it is not okay to hurt yourself (in any way) because of it. there is a line and you WILL learn to walk it if you give yourself the chance and the tools to do so. i promise that these concepts DO apply to you and you are not an exception to happiness and positive improvement just because you're current perspective is clouded by how hurt you are. you don't have to believe me at the moment, but please allow it to be something you consider when you're in a calmer frame of mind. that alone is good enough. those small choices do matter.

i totally get what you mean when you say it feels like you're infecting others with your sadness. sometimes i feel like my very presence does that. and you're allowed to feel that way, but you must try to simultaneously recognise that emotional vulnerability usually only strengthens the relationship you have with those around you. it's a way to let love in, the love you're looking for. maybe it's not romantic love but that's just one faucet of tenderness. yeah it's embarrassing but you must examine why you feel guilty over simply having a spectrum of human emotion. and you'd do the same for those you care about, right? leaning on each other is a good thing, it is so so necessary. the give and take is what makes things work. i'm not saying you have to go spilling your secrets to everyone. i'm saying it's ok to admit that you're struggling, as you have to me. even if you have to fucking force the words out. give those around you the opportunity to be a true friend to you. this seems like a very deeply rooted issue and, to be honest, if you haven't done so already i would also ask you to consider maybe talking to a professional about it if you can. i know your brains immediate response will be to shut the idea down, but you gotta see that that's just another tactic that will perpetuate the painful cycle. it can be your doctor, a counselor, even a mental health hotline it you don't know where to start. it may be that you need to reevaulte your self perception and face up to why you feel so scared and upset. a professional will be able to offer you specialized advice, show you how to cope in a healthier way when these emotions do arise, and show you how to question the anxieties so you see how illogical they are. seriously, if this is impacting your happiness and overall well being then there is nothing wrong with needing a more intensive form of support. i can't stress enough that your mental health is just as important and complex as your physical health and you do not have to try and confront it all on your own. sometimes medical assistance is needed, and that is fine. that's just reality. i get that it probably doesn't feel like a viable and realistic option for you at the moment. but please just let the idea linger. it's completely normal to be afraid, to not want to do it. but breaking these patterns starts with choosing to do something different, something for the better. no matter how much your brain rejects it.

that's just a thought though. no pressure, no commitment yet. for now, all you have to do is take a breath. give yourself a moment. allow your mind to go blank for a few seconds. you're here and you're going to be alright. i genuinely believe this is a stepping stone in your life and not a trap or a permanent destination. all of the things you desperately long for are nestled in the future. maybe not where you expect them to be, but there nonetheless. life really does only make sense backwards, and you must give yourself the time to live out the solutions to your problems, angel. it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking your circumstances dictate your significance but they don't. others truly don't see you the way you see yourself and someday someone is going to prove that to you. you'll be hugged, you'll be cherished. and the lack of something in your life is NOT an indicator that you don't deserve it. you do, you always will. it is so normal/human to crave companionship and a true connection, but that want does not determine your whole life. again, i know you don't believe me at the minute. but have a little trust in your older self. no matter how dramatically awful it all seems to you right now, there is a balance. and you will adapt to it, especially if you attempt to. i really hope you're okay and that you try your hardest to accept the rationality instead of the self loathing. you may not be able to every time but just giving it a go will make a difference. i'm sending so much love to you and i am really always here if you need a friend or someone to talk to, ok? hmu anytime.

[grandmasterofwangxiancultivation]

MDZS ch.83

MAYDAY MAYDAY CH 83 IS OUT AND OUR LIVES ARE AT RISK DKXGZJHXJXUSJS omg omg BREATH HANJI. BREATH.

*takes a deep breath* this is the chapter, guys. The chapter of that freaking spoiler. I'm gonna enjoy it all the same.

EDIT:

The second ‘siege’ could indeed be recorded in history. However, instead of being its scale or number of deaths, it’d be because it was the most pointless, laughable event of the cultivation world.

If you had succeeded, breaking you all would have been a pleasure :)

EDIT 2:

Wei WuXian knew at once. The closest ‘safe place’ to Yiling was the area of the YunmengJiang Sect. He asked, “So you intend on going to Lotus Pier next?”

Lan QiRen was vigilant, “Why do you ask?”

Wei WuXian, “Nothing. I just wanted to ask if I could go along.”

Sect Leader Yao warned, “Wei WuXian! You did a good deed today, but those are two separate things. Please understand that it’s impossible for us to associate with you.”

SOMEONE STOPS ME BECAUSE IF MY HANDS GET AROUND THOSE NECKS I'M GONNA KILL EVERYONE FOR TALKING LIKE THIS TO MY WWX

HE FREAKING SAVED YOU PATHETIC LIVES, YOU ASSHOLES

EDIT 3:

Everyone knew that Sect Leader Jiang, the one whom Wei WuXian turned against, hated him the most. They all thought that their negotiation would fall through.

Yet, he only let out a bitter laugh, “So you dare go back to Lotus Pier?”

I need these two idiots to talk everything out. JIANG CHENG STOP BEING JIANG CHENG FOR ONE MINUTE AND TALK WITH YOUR BROTHER.

Wwx back at lotus pier gives me too many feels I'm gonna die for sure

EDIT 4:

One of the boys commented, “Heavens, it’s so shaky that it feels like there’s a storm in my stomach. Hey, SiZhui-xiong, you’re throwing up as well? Aren’t you from Gusu? It’s not like you’re from the North. Why are you even more seasick than I am?!”

*screams incoherently*

GUYS GUYS GUYS WHAT GUSU. WHAT GUSU HE IS NOT FROM GUSU *hysterical laugh* I'm jumping on my chair and I just need it to come out in the open. Can someone say the truth to this beautiful boy, my sizhui djcysjcush

EDIT 5:

Just as he was about to throw up some more, he suddenly saw a dark silhouette hanging onto the part of the boat below the rail, half of its body submerged inside the river’s water, staring straight at him.

(Omg WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT RUN BABY RUNNNN)

[...] Just as he pressed down onto the hilt of his sword, he looked carefully and exclaimed, “The Ghost…”

Inside of the cabin, as Jin Ling heard this, he immediately rushed out with his sword, “A ghost? Where? I’ll kill it for you!”

(ZHUILING GUYS. ZHUILING. OMG THESE TWO, THESE TWOOOOOO. JIN LING SAY "I'lL kIlL iT fOr YoU" dkxujsxyusyxejdhxiek YES YES JUST Y E S-)

Lan SiZhui, “Not a ghost—the Ghost General!”

(WEN NING BLESS YOUR SOUL MY LOVE PLS EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO SIZHUI. also I'm laughing so hard at the mental image of wen ning clinging at the side of the boat bfjshxjdhd)

EDIT 6:

“Pfft!”

“JingYi, what are you laughing about?”

Lan JingYi, “Look at him. He is clinging onto the boat without moving at all, almost like a big, oblivious sea turtle!”

(SAME, BABY. SAME. ME AND JINGYI HAVE THE SAME REACTIONS, MY BOY.)

[...] Lan JingYi, “What is there to be scared of? It is not like you have not seen him before!”

(THE VOICE OF REASON. WEN NING AND JINGYI BROTHERHOOD. I'M HONESTLY CRYING AT HOW PURE MY SON IS GOOD JOB BABE)

EDIT 7:

Wen Ning stared at Lan SiZhui’s face as he walked toward him. Lan SiZhui noticed that he was here for him. He steadied himself as Wen Ning asked, “Wh-What is your name?”

(I AM SCREAMING. I AM SCREAMING SO MUCH MY THROAT HURTS. I'M CRYING AS WELL. I JUST NEED WEN NING TO KNOW HE IS NOT ALONE IN THE WORLD AND FOR SIZHUI TO REMEMBER AND REALISE BOTH WHO HIS BLOOD AND NOT-BLOOD FAMILIES ARE.)

EDIT 8: sizhui saying his name is lan yuan is breaking me

EDIT 9:

Dead people had no expressions, but Lan SiZhui was under the illusion that he thought he saw Wen Ning’s eyes light up.

He also thought that Wen Ning was feeling very excited, so excited that he stammered as he spoke. He himself began to feel excited as well, as though they were about to reveal a secret hidden for years.

Oh gods in the universe spare me.

EDIT 10:

"You really look like a distant relative of mine"

Szjahdiudicishcoshcoshxodhd WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY HEART RN THIS IS SO SWEET AND SAD AND BEAUTIFUL AND PURE AND PLS PLS GIVE THESE BABES A JOY. PLS LET THEM HUG AND TALK ABOUT FAMILY AND JUST GIVE THEM THIS. GIVE THEM THIS PLS, I NEED IT AS WELL *sobs*

Also, lan wangji parenting is- *finds no good enough words in the dictionary*

And sizhui correcting himself and calling him mr.wen? This boy. This boy is so gentle and his soul is so shiny and beautiful.

EDIT 11:

For something, watching the ‘Ghost General’, a deeply sour sense of familiarity rose up amid Lan SiZhui, along with a blurry thought—he seemed to have seen this face some place, some time ago. It seemed that there was a name that almost broke through some sort of a barrier. If he said the name out loud, many other things would resurface as well, and he’d understand everything.

BABY YES PLS REMEMBER ABOUT BIG BROTHER XIAN AND LWJ AND GRANNY AND WEN QING AND WEN NING AND ALL THE OTHERS PLS THE MEMORY YOUR FAMILY IS STILL THERE

EDIT 12:

But at this point, Lan SiZhui saw Jin Ling, who stood at the side.

(Shit. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SH-)

After some silence, Wen Ning changed his wording, “Young Master Jin Ling?”

(of course of frEAKING COURSE CUTE, SWEET SCENES CAN'T LAST FOR SHIT IT THIS NOVEL my boy, my jl, calm down babe I know you want to hurt him I know baby just-)

Lan SiZhui, “Young Master Jin…”

Jin Ling, “Move to the side. It’s none of your business.”

But Lan SiZhui somehow felt that it definitely wouldn’t be none of his business. He went over and put himself between the two, “Jin Ling, put your sword away fir-”

Jin Ling was feeling tense anyway. His sight being blocked, he couldn’t help but shouted, “Don’t stop me!”

He reached out and pushed. 

(OMG PLS NoOo BABE DON'T TAKE IT OUT OF SIZHUI I WANNA HUG ALL OF THEM THIS ANGST IS NOT WHAT I WANTED WHY WhYyYy

But SiZhui going from a more formal "young master ling" to "jin ling" how should I not ship them god sizhui a blessing

Also pls don't gang up against jl pls he has every right to feel like that my boy, just don't-)

EDIT 13:

Wen Ning saw that Lan SiZhui’s complexion was pale. Anxious, he blurted, “Young Master Jin, come at me. Wen Ning will not resist. But A- Young Master Lan Yuan…”

WeN nInG pLs-

(He stopped himself from calling him a-yuan guys I surrender. I can't read anymore. I'm dying)

EDIT 14 (i'm sorry this shit is getting so long-):

I knew it would come to this. I KNEW IT. DON'T GANG UP AGAINST JIN LING DON'T YOU EVER DARE. I need jin ling happy with ppl that loves him you're not alone, sizhui and jingyi love you, you have friends, you even have wwx, you're not alone babe-

EDIT 15:

Seeing the two, Lan SiZhui felt that no matter what difficulties he faced, he could overcome them no matter what, beaming, “HanGuang-Jun! Senior Wei! Come over here!”

FAMILY VIBES. I HAVE BEEN THIRSTY FOR THESE FAMILY VIBES SINCE CH 74. I NEED MORE OF THIS I NEED CH 84 NOW. N O W

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

absolutely pissed at a few friends i know dont go on tumblr. 

dont know anyone to talk to bc im down to two friends in my life so unless i want to lose them too then i guess i just have to scream into the void of anonymous blogging. ive had an crazy pathological FOMO for almost as long as i can remember. ive felt like an old old man since i was 15. all i can think about every day of my goddamn life is the passing of time and how my youth has been wasted in circumstances/a time and place where theres no cool counterculture/art for art’s sake/anything meaningful and social. im 20 now and ive been feeling like my best years are behind me for years. college is a nightmare. ive lost every friend ive had except for two and im not even entirely sure why. nobody wants to do anything. there are old friends in town, im always surrounded by old friends, but none of them leave the house. i dont want to live in a world where the only people in my life are friends from high school who blow me off every night for their millionth round of league of legends and my genuinely insane alcoholic dad who just goes on crazy rants that make me want to kill hiim and then myself. this is a crazy way to live. i cant move out. even if i could, id be miserable having a landlord/being a wage slave again. my god, all i want is the barest amount of social interaction that doesnt make me want to die. i cant believe ive never been to a crazy party, that almost all the friends ive ever had never wanted to do anything but sit around and play video games.

but onto what’s bothering me today. met up with the two friends i have left. known them for a while but we didnt use to be as close. they’re the closest to “interesting” or countercultural/artistic friends ive ever had, but they see all of that as mostly behind them. im incredibly resentful of not being “let in” on some of the more crazy times they had when we were growing up, but i can usually manage those feelings. today, they were just reminiscing about this secret spot in the woods they used to have wild parties at during high school. the way they described it made it seem like every stupid youthful experience that i’ve ever wanted. huge gatherings getting broken up by cops, a small pond for diving in from a gigantic vandalized cliff. glow sticks tied in trees for when it gets dark. ive known about this place forever, and ive always asked everyone to show it to me. i asked for years and years and years and nobody took the fucking 2 hours out of their lives to satisfy my curiosity. now i just have to sit there and listen to them talk about it like its the greatest thing that ever happened to them, so many life-changing experiences. so many true and completely authentic celebrations of being young and irresponsible. everything i always wanted, i begged them over and over to show me when we were all younger and they never found the time. now, they just talk about it, and i sit there, visually super uncomfortable, i tell them im annoyed that they never got around to taking me there- they dont take criticism well at all. they try to be polite, but they just want me to quit complaining. after the most hyperbolic shit you can imagine coming out of their mouths about this glorious place that shaped their young lives, i immediately hear a “oh, you wouldnt have liked it anyway, logan” just to shut me up. i didnt say anything to them for the rest of the day.

I know how crazy I sound, I dont care. I know there’s something wrong with me in the way i glorify those kinds of memories, how badly i want times like that to come back, but they know that about me too, and it was almost as if that whole conversation was designed specifically to torture me. it was like they took my deep-rooted, extremely sensitive pathological FOMO and said absolutely every combination of words that would set it off. i felt like some kind of incredibly cruel joke was being played on me at certain points. they went on for like 20 minutes. i think im really getting sick of this friend group, but if idecide to take a break from them, then ill be down to 0 friends. 0 friends and my only human interaction will be with my insane, narcissistic, racist, violent dad, who’s just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house anyway.

I hate the kind of person i am now. I hate having this much hate in me. I know that absolutely nothing in this environment is doing any favors for me mentally, but i cant think of anything else to do. I say that now, even as I type it, I dont feel any better. there is nothing cathartic about this. I can say it over and over again “I dont know what to do now” but that doesnt change the fact that when im done making this post, i will have to keep living this. i have no power to change my life. there are no new friends to be had. i dont know how to meet women beyond dating apps, and staying on them makes me miserable. i have no other relatives to complain about my dad to. i have no other friends i can complain about these two to. all i do is list my problems in my head with nothing productive to be done even after identifying my problems. I know that so much of it is “just me”, but my environment is forcing all the worst parts of me to come out over and over. im horribly, incredibly lonely, but i hate everyone i come to interact with. i dont know if theres any hope for it to ever be otherwise for me. i thought i would use isolation, especially during quarantine, to make some money and prove my worth to myself as an artist. ive had my stories published bought by a few magazines now and i still feel horribly empty. i feel too world weary to even imagine myself having a positive relationship/friendship with anyone ever again. im just so tired of every single person that i meet. im tired of everyone, and the most amount of pleasure afforded to me is sitcom reruns and fast food. the safest, most conformist material pleasures that there are. i hate my own melodrama, i hate that i care this much about small thinngs, i hate that theres something so deeply wrong with my psyche that im this crazed by the mention of a punk hangout spot that nobody ever showed me when i was younger, but i am going to live the rest of my life resenting that everyone around me only wanted to game, and nobody ever wanted to go to the shady/weird spots of the woods with me. how can i have missed my chance to childishly self indulgence, only to come out a whining adolescent still? how can i still be such a kid while missing what it felt like to be a kid? i dont know. ive always felt this way, but its only been especially bad for the last 3ish years. if it keeps going like this i dont know what ill do. again, no catharsis. again, there is nothing healing about my writing this. life sucks at every moment and then, somehow, i decide to keep living. im going to build a ted shed soon i think

[nursexpeditions]

i’m bracing for the worst and hoping for the best, trying to make sense of the madness in my head

I felt so much that I started to feel nothing. One of the hardest battles we fight is between what we know and what we feel. It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I withdraw from people and places from time to time. I need space from a world that is filled with millions of mouths that talk too much but never have anything good to say. 

These thoughts, they’re sharp enough to tear through my bare skin, through my muscle, then slowly eat away at my bones, and before you know it, they’re cutting away at my heartstrings. My heart beats, so loud and so fast that you’d think I was running for the gold medal at an Olympics event. Anxiety so fierce not even a Xanax or a bottle of liquor would be able to calm the storm I’m fighting. All i see is the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer, and like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience, a room in hell with only my name on the door.

I hear “what's wrong” or “you’re overthinking.” A blank screen appears in my head and I think to myself who have I become? What has made me into this monster? I look in the mirror and only do I realize that it’s been me this whole time. How inconvenient when you’re the firestorm burning everything in your path. 

“But he that dares not grasp the thorn, should never crave the rose.”

In these instances, I wanted to tell you how impossible it feels in these situations. It’s like trying to hold water in the palm of your hands, like trying to prevent an ice cube from melting in the summer, like attempting to run through the water. It’s not possible, yet here I try so hard. 

Someone with anxiety is inclined to assume everyone is going to leave. So much so that sometimes they might be the ones to ruin a relationship. I ruined many things that could’ve been amazing just because I was sad. 

The truth is, I battle something I can’t control and there is a sense of insecurity within myself when it comes to relationships. It’s hard sometimes. I create stupid fights of scenarios that I created in my head. I’m going to jump from point A to point B without even knowing all the details, and sometimes you’re not even going to understand how I got there. The best thing you can do for me is understanding how I went off on that tangent. Even if there’s no solution, the act of listening helps. I know in your eyes, it might seem irrational; but to me, it’s something that actually keeps me up at night, and I probably won’t sleep through the night because of it. It’s definitely not that I don’t trust you, but because I’m more scared than anything. 

It’s every worst-case scenario automatically playing out in my head and trust me, I already hate myself for it. By now you’ve probably noticed how fast i answer you, and for example, it helps when you say i can’t talk right now and this is why i’ll text you later. Silence kills anyone with anxiety and creates a hostile environment for problems that aren’t even there. It ends in apologies that aren’t even needed and adds layers of stress to my life that I wish i could control. 

I’ve realized my anxiety manifests in two ways, i’ll either be quiet and awkward, or you’ll be carrying me out as I choose my poison to ease my worries. Whether its a night out gone wrong, or an essay of a text saying or doing the wrong thing, I’m very observant and pick up on the slightest shift in behavior.

I would rather have meltdowns biting off more than I can chew because I have a hard time admitting I can’t handle something. I will always say yes and I will never turn anyone away which is my biggest weakness. I say help when you can but know when you can’t because I’m inclined to not ask for help since I’m used to dealing with things on my own.

..But that’s exactly where i’m flawed. The deepest pain i ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable. Just because I bury something doesn’t mean that it stops existing. I was willing to suffer as long as you had what you wanted in life to make you happy. Where do you draw the line in sacrificing too much of yourself to make a relationship work? 

For a while, I kept telling myself I was dealing with it the way that i am currently and doing this for the success of our relationship and that was enough for me at the time, but if i’m being honest, the more I think about it and the more time i spend with you, the more i want to move on with my life with you and if you feel the same, i need to feel or see that you’re taking the steps to as well. 

I get that the situation itself is complicated, but lets face it, that will never change. It’s like we’re waiting for it to miraculously uncomplicate itself one day, but in reality, it never will. I realize now i’ve been waiting for a day that will never come. Because at the end of each day, what are we REALLY waiting for? What will taking more time do for anyone? You and her will forever have history. You and her will always be close friends. You are a part of her life just as you are a part of mine and that’s something i’ve accepted just as she’s accepted that I am your significant other now (so you say). IThe most important question here is, what will waiting or taking up more time do for anyone? More time to be prepare ourselves? More time to be “ready” to face the inevitable? If anything, we are only prolonging the inevitable. 

But hey, you did have a point, there is a certain justified amount of “time” we should take before going to the next step, but that justified length of time for that window, in my opinion, has certainly passed.

I continually feel like the bad guy whenever i tell you that i’m uncomfortable with your interactions with her. It first started just as hanging out with her, but then it got more complicated to having to switch off being butters caretaker, traveling from city to city, at times having to be okay with your stay over for your own health and well being, and honestly the hard truth is that i’m just expected to deal with it. I know you ask and try to do things that will help alleviate all my anxiety but when will enough be enough? now family interactions? i didn’t even think it could get worse, and i must sound like the most fucking horrible selfish devil human being on this fucking planet because who in their right mind is even uncomfortable in a situation like this? I mean that takes one special fucked up person??? 

If we put all the cards on the table, its clear that I don’t think anyone will ever truly be prepared or ready for this, but it’s a bridge that needs to be crossed for the health of this relationship and i hope that you agree with me. I need to know i’ll be set up for success moving forward in this relationship because it’s absolutely nearly impossible to be supportive of you, trying to be supportive of her, let alone someone that has always been a threat to me. Its just not a good feeling for me. If she’s not a threat to me, then please help me see that. I want to be able to communicate with the people that are closest to you without feeling like i’m in the shadows. I don’t know how i’m supposed to go on knowing there’s this microportion of you that i want to know that i know nothing about because we aren’t ready to face the music. I need some sort of assurance that there will be steps taken to facilitate this change i think is essential to our relationship.

My thoughts have driven me so far that I’ve had completely absurd thoughts where there’s an instance where I can’t go out with your chino friends with you because she’s there but then when she’s not its absolutely okay to come. I used to make excuses that would validate me not going because i dont know them, but i’ve met and hung and talked to all of them and i’d say we all get along. But what do you do when those “overthinking” thoughts actually turn into reality? I don’t think i’ve told you but I’ve been in situation that I presumed worst-case scenario in my head that has permanently scarred me and has worsened my anxiety episodes since. In a perfect world, I imagine a future with both my friends and your friends in one room regardless of their relationship to you or i and i think thats why it’s so important to me to move forward and finally get some peace of mind. 

I know my feelings are valid and it has been reinforced many times. We have plenty conversation about its importance and therefore I know that my feelings matter and are important. I’m continually uncomfortable in this situation and something has to change. Im not proud of any of this because i know that it’s so fucking ugly to feel and be this way and it’s unattractive more than anything and i feel so fucking ashamed of myself having to even stoop this low. I feel an itching desire to tear off my own skin on my body to get myself out of the outfit i hate most on myself, on my own person. I itch to be better for you and constantly feel like i’m failing myself, failing you, failing us for not being able to get over my fucking self and tormenting thoughts. 

As i dig deeper into my core, i find that it’s most terrifying for me because I’ve never met someone capable of calming my storm. Those overwhelming anxious grey heavy clouds weighing over my shoulders or those lonely strikes of anxiety and depression. But you hold my hand and I swear my breaths come easier; maybe you make me feel safe, or maybe your smile pushes the hurricane out into the ocean.

If there’s something I’m good at in this life, its love. If there’s something I will stand for and be proud of in this body of mine, it’s my ability to show you how much i adore and appreciate you. It took a while to build trust, but now that we’re in this place, my hope is that my capacity to love you will fill you in ways you didn’t know were empty or even missing something. My one hope is that you can see past my imperfections and fight to help waver through them with me. I endure because i love. I survive because I endure. I win because I love.

[honestunmerciful]

8/11/17

I’m so scared I’m going to spend the rest of my life dwelling on this. In such an insanely short amount of time we connected so deeply it seems impossible. Connection isn't something to be taken lightly, when i find any person I connect with I tend to try to maintain those relationships, as most would. But how do you let go of what was the closest to a spiritual connection with a person? Of course music is incredibly important to me, and we shared such similar taste in it, films, and our out look on organized religion and government. Intellectual conversations on your couch was my greatest past time. The entirety of our relationship felt so natural, like home. Home is an entirely other concept for me, I dont feel the same ‘home’ sense with anyone else apart from you. I always bounced around between my parents and then being kicked out at the age of 15, I hold any kind of home feeling sacred. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it was because I was so young, and perhaps you took advantage of me. At least thats what every other person who knows you tells me. I dont even talk about you to other people, yet that comes up. I’m always so scared you show people the text messages or these posts (if you read them) to people in mockery of me. But at the same time should we consider a persons vulnerability and issues with depression a weakness? If you do show these and they say something outwardly degrading of me I think it says more of their character than mine. Depression is horribly hard to deal with, and for me loosing people I connect with inately triggers it. I have a very difficult time letting go of these people, but with you its been by far the worst. Honestly that scares the shit out of me, to feel so strongly about someone, but at the same time if you find a person that makes you feel like you are the stars you wouldn’t let go easily either. You'd fight for it. I mean yeah we all get fucked up over someone but this is so much more than that for me. So maybe I was young and naive. I always considered myself not necessarily a grounded person, but I feel I am intelligent and grounded in my morals at the very least. You’ve said so many times that you felt as passionately about us as I did, and on our connection. If that were true I feel like you’d be trying to pursue it. You say you're horrified of relationships, but I was content just being with you. If you're horrified of relationships, consider me petrified. I've held our connection in such high regard that traditional relationship ideals didn't matter. I see bits of you in other people. I wish I had a way of speaking to you, and talking about life with you again, just sharing the day to day with you. You’ve influenced and inspired me so much. I’ve written multiple songs on this experience that I hope the world will hear soon. I think you’d be proud. You always loved when we sang and played guitar together. I hope you understand how much I genuinely love and care about you. I know I am eccentric and passionate, a lot more than I should be. Its a character flaw really. I just hope you know I had the best intentions. I want nothing more to go back to the beginning of 2014 and relive all the moments spent with you, Matt and Kenzie. That was to date the best time of my life. I really try to move on, and to see other people but no one interests me. It all just turns into drunken meaningless sex. I can’t keep this lifestyle up. I fucking swear no amount of alcohol or drugs is numbing this feeling. But hey atleast I’m not physically harming myself anymore right? I just found more permanent but unnoticed ways of slowly killing myself, much like you do. Its the only thing that for a moment occupys my mind, I’m still searching for a permanent numbness. I absolutely fucking hate that Alkaline Trio is your favorite band, because they’ve been mine for 10 years. Now I can’t listen to them without you popping up it my mind, and I hope when you listen to them you think of me. That would make this so incredibly less painful to know that you think of me as often as I do you. I can assume that everything I’ve said isn’t reciprocated based on how much pain you insist on flicking upon me. I know you say you're doing what's better for me, but who are you to decide what I need and don't need? When you say you love me its followed with silence. How do you talk to a ghost?

[reflectionsof99]

What do I want?

Im on this journey of awakening & now im at a point to reflect on what do I really want? specifically... so i decided to make a list ..  - I want to be so deeply, madly in love with myself.. in a healthy way that  allows me to thrive, appreciate more, tolerate less and truly improve my quality of life. I deserve it, after so long of looking to make a love out of someone I want to realize that my truest  oldest friend & most legitimate soul mate it myself. & I dont have to feel lonely anymore if im simply focusing on the things I enjoy. being in a better space to give & recieve .  - I want to stop resisting, & instead trust, life & my intuition. In these past few days im so greatful for all the information im finally understanding one thing being how alot of the stress in my life is from resistance & from trying to control things around me. Also resisting my intuituion id like to stop doing that. When I hear about the things im letting go it feels as a loss & I havent really been understanding what im gaining. But im so tired of carrying fear or waiting for changes to occur, there are some things that i really dont want to let go off, but i am go greatful for the paitence & perspective througout this entire process.  - I want to slow down & truly be present for each moment & being aware of the energy i bring to a situation. Ive been treating life like a checklist & feeling as tho once I accomplish a,b,c then iĺl be able to fully engage or finally feel the bliss, freedom & happiness. But i choose to bring those things instead & then allow the rest to come. - I want to be creative! I have so many ideas & instead i want to align with the creating & manifesting. When ive been so shut down emotionally I realized how this has affected my sacral chakra, keeping me away from my creativety & sexuality as well. I wanna rebuild that as well as rebuilding my confidence. In high school my senior year I did alot of art classes because I liked the freedom of expression. Art teaches me alot about myself & about my level of paitence. I really would like to specialize in painting (photorealism), freelance photography & even some video recording & editing. These things make me feel alive !! & I´d like to give myself a genuine space to explore it. - I want to have fucking fun!! These past few years ive allowed my depression & adverse feelings to push me to far away from everything i loved including myself. my blog has been one of my closest means of self expression & a creative outlet. but now i miss having friends & fun!! I am being able to just take it easy, I enjoy feeling comfortable in my own skin & vibing out with new people. I miss being with people i feel relatable with , or having girl friends that hype me up & just having lots of normal girly fun with. I call it sisterhood because its so iportant to a young womens development to have a group of sisters to encourage her & also let her know when she needs to check her self.  - I want my tribe to inspire me! When i look at my tribe i wanna feel as tho they accept me & vice versa. Like its alot to learn from them in some aspect & as tho we can all love eachother unconditionally. -I want to validate myself!! With my lack of self love its had been around looking for validation I didnt even realize. Being vulnerable in the wrong ways & putting myself in uncomfortable situations simply for the validation that I matter and for all the self love that was missing. Well now I want to validate myself & go after what I want. Because I cant expect people to want my dreams more than I do. I cante xpect people to do things with me. & when i want people to keep reassuring me things are okay that from a place of fear & im releasing that fear now.  - I want to be confident!  I mean.. I feel pretty confident. But it goes deeper than that. I wanna feel confident in my appearance & in every single choice I make. Confident in my different & confident in my ability to be alone or handle responsibilities. I am ready to embrace confidence fully.  -I want discipline in the means of meditation & exercise. like responsibilities ive been avoiding i intend to truly see the benifits & prioritize them rather than resist or belittle. I feel these things will go a long way in my life & id like to see! - I want my car, my phone & my eyebrows & toes done!!! I group these together because when I think of them they make me feel like an independent adult women. sometimes the fact that I dont have these things makes me feel like im not where i want to be so i want this to motivate me. Like I feel like iv been so dependent on others & the car & phone is truly a means of freedom & indpendence. & when i get my eyebrows & feet done it makes me feel confident & feminine & I could use alot more of that. - Hitting the thousands doing what i love. this past year ive been thinking of & trying to do so much of something that I havnt compleated much of anything. I want to do what my soul really calls me to do & be able to provide myself the lifestyle where I have freedom to the highest degree. Id like to be able to afford the healthy foods or even land to start my own garden & the car & insurance to visit my family at my own accord & to go out when i want & to travel & even just take a personal day when needed. its truly my dream to be my own boss & i know its possible! Im just interesed in seeing how these thousands & millions will manifest for me. I ask for help from the universe in doing so as i release my limiting financial beliefs & embrance my abundance.  - I want to eat more vegan food, I want to feel good more often, I want to have alot of fun new experiences & be around people who enjoy doing simmilar things as me, I want to create & be the next big thing rather than wait for it & I wanna be paitent without getting my feelings involved when nessecary, I wanna embrace the wonders of life & self love to make up for all the years that was no where to be found. & deep deep down I want to be so inlove... but now with myself. - I want to go to the beach, feel the sand i my toes, people watch, charge up in the beautiful water. admire the metaphor for existance that a beach is  - i want to write poetry that flows, is genuine & vibes like i need it to & that others can relate to & enjoy that intruiges the deepest parts of people everywhere  - i want to visit & potentially build an earthship & bus to home coversion - i want to travel america with a lover in my bus conversion - i want to experience the epitomy of freedom & compassion - i want to do psychedelics when im ready  - i want my sex drive back. I litterally dont have one right now but im sure once I do it could make things a whole lot more interesting & fun. i feel shame & guilt clouding my sexuality & I wanna purify that out of me. & have truly spiritual next level sexual experiences when the time comes. - i wanna release guilt in general. about things I cant change or about my truth. - i wanna honor & understand my connection to nature & do everything I can to protect her.  - i want to travel to all these awesome places to experience other cultures, learn different languages , eat ao many amazing food & ulitmatley respect this entire creation in its entirety & ultimatley meet alot of people & have alot of experiences that make this whole thing worthwhile! & really appreciate all the different fascests of nature. I wanna go to costa rica, & egypt & the vadican to witness some of the wonders theyve stolen & france & africa & south america & just all over really. I wanna have something to offer & something to learn as I go. - I wanna go home to my heaven inside. Its calling me. & I know when I return things will be made right. - more means of experssion like enaging in my cosplay instagram ! & hopefully getting lots of followers maybe even money & also starting my youtube channel I am not always sure the details & im trying to be as specific as possible to these things can manifest but imma just be paitent & I hope this helps me & the universe & all my spirit guides & higher self in the long run. / I am sooo greatful!!!   I intend to have a relaxing day full for minfulness & self assurance & just doing whatever I want to do... / Love & light 

[spacegayapollo]

some bad news and why I havent been on much lately

its not that i feel the undying need to justify my lack of posting but more so to just get it all out in one spot, publicly. Most the people this all involves has hard/long explainations to how they are related to me.

So just before my mom came back from her spring break vacation, i get a phone call from my step dad (he WAS married to my mom, they broke up but me and him are still very close and i view him more of a healthy father figure than my own dad) that my dog has stomach, liver and intestinal cancer and has around two weeks to live. Beyond heart broken i pack as much shit i can and head over there (he lives about half an hour away) to spend as much time with my beloved Mulligan as i can. Every night was filled with booze and scream-crying.

Cindy, my step dad Randy’s girlfriend who lives with him, confesses to me shes scared Randy is going to up and leave us to move to Squamish (a very small beautiful town a few hours away). Cindy runs a foodtruck in the city and her 7 year old daughter just started school in the city. plus her kids dad lives in the city, too. making it impossible for her to move with Randy.

Now having spent two full weeks living at Randys my mom is starting to get pissed off, and very very jealous. When i told my dad whats been going on (i havent lived at his house for almost two years now) he become even more angry and upset that i have hardly been spending time with him. He even tried to bribe with the fact that hes going to see my little sister (havent seen her for over 4 years) this weekend to talk with her mom and try and figure out if she can visit us, Then to make things even more stressful, Randy asks if im moving in forever. Not the first time hes asked me to move in with them either.

In my dogs honor and memory, i get the same tattoo he has in his ear on my wrist. This upsets whos relationship with me i can only truly capture by discribing it as an asexual relationship. Me and Efrat have an incredible bond but she is straight and im not super duper into sex with others anyways. She is convinced by our mutual friends that right before my dog dies is a perfect time to tell me she is hurt and upset about my tattoo. She also has the same tattoo as her dog. I get beyond upset. I start crying my eyes out and yell “do you think youre the only one with this kind of tattoo in the whole world? My fucking dog is about to die and you seriously thought right now is a great time to bring this up?” she replies by admitting “I dont know what i am trying to get out of this conversation” and before i think to do anything worst, i storm out of her house.

Its a very common thing for people who are close to me to completely avoid me when i am very angry. So Efrat doesnt talk to me for three days. In those three days i call her of a total 15 times. She sent me one text saying “cant talk right now.” desperate to get a hold of her i call one of our friends to see is she is with her. Our friend tells me she went to the Island to visit my friend Eden.

This is where i get livid.

Eden has been my bestfriend since we were 4. She sadly had to move away in highschool so i saw her a lot less. After highschool she moved to the Island. Her roommate is a very charming guy. Efrat went to visit them once with her at the time boyfriend (who was a trash human to me all through highschool) and she falls for Edens roommate.

To make this situation perfectly clear; Efrat left to go try and hope on some dick and get high while i was losing my mind over my dog dying and the fact that Randy might ditch. All of this she knew very damn well about. And she ignored me and did not say she was going to the Island.

The day comes where we have to put down Mulligan. I can say with a sure fact that i have not lived a worst day. This was 5 days ago and i still have yet to stop randomly breaking down on the bus, at work and waking in the middle of the night crying my fucking eyes out. I dont hear a single fucking word from Efrat. We held a bombfire by the beach that night in honor of my pup that all my friends came to. She told others she was coming, but as you can guess did not show up. Didnt even send a simple text saying “cant make it, sorry.”

Two days later my best friend says her girlfriend cheated on her. Their breakup quickly gets out of control and all i will say is that the cop are involved. So she and my other friend stay the night with me at Randys place. While feeling like i am losing all control of everything important to me i somehow manged to comfort her. I finally get a hold of Efrat.

In prior nights my friends had seriously brought to my attention how damaging my relationship really is with Efrat. They encourged me all through the week to stand up to her and basically say cut the shit.

Being the stupid piece of pathetic shit i am, i crumble at the sound of her voice. Eventually we get to the point where i ask “what now” she tells me she doesnt want to cut me out but maybe slowly ease me back into her life. Somehow in all of this i am now treating her like the victim.

We have been planning a trip to Isreal (where shes from) since the beginning of the year to go in may. I have the whole month booked off and tons of money saved up. But after all this i dont think i want to go. Thankfully the tickets arent bought so i still have a little bit of time to figure that out.

I also thought shit at work was FINALLY getting better having my Chef fired and my sous chef that i so dearly idolize come back. But now hes acting really really different towards me. We have what is pretty obvious the closest relationship anyone has at work. We get alone perfectly, and deeply respect eachother. He even confessed i was the real reason he came back to our kitchen. But we arent roughhousing like we normally do, he hardly asks me to come out for smokes with him and i cant remember the last time he told me one of his amazing stories from when he was younger. Its crushing me that i have no idea if i have done something wrong, or if hes jealous of how close im becoming with our new chef, or if its something so unrelated to me and hes just taking it out on me because he knows i can handle it. I look up to him so much and it was so fucking hard the first time he left that i couldnt handle losing him again. so this is driving me fucking insane.

It really feels like every aspect of my life is going up in flames and the only positive thing i have to look forward to is American Gods coming out soon. Theres hardly any good shit happening in my friends lives so i cant even be happy and proud of them. Theres close to no healthy distractions avalible to me.

[ghiblicottage]

see for me it's weird like, i like porn (i'm trying to stop for religious purposes), but i don't feel sexual attraction to people?? ever?? how do those two things integrate??? am i demi?? idk man idk it's confusing

dude same like ive been in this cycle of “wtf am i” for months/years now and i still have nothing figured out its exhausting

oh man this is gonna be long ill just go on a rant of all thats been going on on my mind for all this time lmao this is way too personal but whatever if not here where am i gonna share any of this … so all my rambling under the cut for anyone curious about my experience with being ace (probably, idek tbh)

i just? don’t feel things toward people ? but sex & love are okay/appealing to me? but also how the fuck should i know if i like it ive never tested it

and theres this constant pressure of telling wether you like males or females and u like? both? neither? idk ?? i just dont feel any different toward them? can’t tell wether its because im attracted to both or none? i can tell wether people are pretty, gorgeous, pleasing to look at even hot? but? boobs, penis, butts, pussy all that shit is just the same for me i can look at them i get this big nothing inside me … 

when i talk to my friends about it, okay im not blunt about it i try not to sound weird cause the real word is Judgy lmao but like id go “so like what’s sexual attraction for you?” and then theyd tell me “idk it feels kinda hot down there and shit when you look at someone hot” and yep none of that for me but then for the big Straights™ they are it’s obviously because im closeted gay or im just weird and prude you know, and on tumblr where the Gays are more vocal and share their experience i just cant relate either? so i just end up feeling like i fit in nowhere you know

kinda why itd be nice to have more asexual characters in popular media cause honestly im not here to explain over and over what it means to people who will only think that it makes you weird like yeah no thank you, so id like to be able to go like “you know that famous character ? yeah im like that too” and be done with it

ive come to define being ace as the opposite of bi, like we feel the same toward anyone as straight people feel toward the same gender and gay people feel toward the opposite one, if that makes any sense

but where do you go from there? sometimes ill get these fantasies about being in love and being in a relationship and being loved by someone and id be craving physical affection and hugs and just not feeling this void inside me but then i get confused as to wether or not i would be able to reciprocate any of that affection and if yes with who then? like what can i promise if i get in a relationship? are my feelings gonna be as deep as yours or is it just on the surface, if you wanna get physical how far am i gonna be able to go? i just got this endless list of questions going on and on and on its… exhausting

things like porn and smut, i think i like it but its more of a way to visualize things i dont know of i guess rather than something deeply exciting to me… im guessing people who really feel sexual attraction like it more, seeing all those naked people and stuff idk … like just when my brothers talk about “boobs” (okay theyre like 14 and 17 so not quite the reference but whatever) or when my friend talk about guys they find hot, i mean i can see that it’s sexual attraction they’re talking about and im just here yeah those are big stacks of meat but whatever you do you i guess

and when it comes to “love” i know that i want it you know i havent been fantasizing and getting all these butterflies over my ships since i was 10 for nothing, i crave this deep emotional connection, but also i cant seem to be able to feel it for anyone ? the closest ive gotten to a crush was when i was 14 and this guy said he genuinely liked me, as in liked my personality (because i got quite a few guys asking me out just for my looks who had never even talked to me and it always made me incredibly uncomfortable), and i got butterflies about it for like a day and a half lol but then it went away pretty quickly anyway and turned out he had a crush on my best friend which honestly didn’t even disappoint me… i think i just liked the idea of someone liking me for who i am you know. and i dont think ive ever felt anything like that for anyone since then so …  i also have never fell for my girl friends which i heard is a thing commonly experienced by lesbians

and here comes the confusing part, because if im gonna watch porn id rather watch lesbian porn, het porn makes me uncomfortable more than anything its like always about the male gaze, male pleasure idk, and i know lesbian porn is pretty much always about the male gaze too unfortunately but at least it shows female pleasure you know… and also i feel like girls smile more in lesbian porn which i like better but im not an expert lmao, and AT BEST id rather watch a good movie sex scene where ive been able to watch the people fall for each other first like in the handmaiden for exemple. But when it comes to fic/smut fic (and general shipping) i think i only ever read m/f ones, i think the idea of a guy falling in love with a girl is a thing i really love cause forgive me but irl guys dont seem capable of any emotions… SO what does that mean ?? wtf am i?? i dont fucking know smh

basically i guess all i can say is im on the ace spectrum and everything is confusing af, and im completely oversharing so feel free to ignore lmao but i thought maybe some confused ace over there might like to read about someone who has somewhat of a similar experience idk, id like that i guess, it’s kind of hard to find a place to fit in anywhere so its nice to feel a sense of belonging like we’re not alone or broken and all that

i hope i havent been too disrespectful or anything, also i kind of dont really like watching porn and, i mean its not like im a big consumer of it anyway, but im thinking of stopping too because this industry is incredibly hurtful to women and i think its good that you are trying to stop! 

anyhow im embarrassed now lmao i cant believe im sharing all that but whatever here we go