#Even people who know I’m ace and sex repulsed tell me I should adopt instead

[mad-raptorzzz]

everyone including my parents: *complains nonstop about their children*

me: I don’t want kids

everyone including my parents: what do you mean you don’t want kids? Kid’s are the greatest thing in the world. You’ll never be fulfilled in life unless you have kids. You’re missing out.

me: 🙃

[just-graysexual]

Hello, I’m starting to think that I am asexual or graysexual. I thought I was bisexual because I believe both sexes are aesthetically pleasing to look at but I very rarely think about having sex with those people. I just left my significant other’s house after a make out session that he was more into than me. The whole time, I was thinking how weird this was and how I was a bit uncomfortable even though I like him and trust him completely. I’ve also had sex dreams so that’s another confusing factor. I’d really like advice from someone on the spectrum who could help me. I’m very confused and a bit upset because I’ve always wanted a relationship, just not a super sexual one. I also very much want kids one day. Please help me figure this out. Thanks.

Hey Anon, 

Don’t you worry. I know it’s really confusing and feels like a lot, but everything is fine and everyone is going to be fine. It most certainly sounds like you are on the ace spectrum somewhere and possibly on the aromantic spectrum too. It sounds like you have a great understanding of your feelings and your attractions, this is amazing; keep up the great work! The more you work on it the better understanding you will have. I promise, everything will fall into place eventually.

It’s perfectly fine to identify on the ace and aromantic spectrum, but still desire a relationship and want to be with someone. There is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. It’s also perfectly fine to desire a relationship that you want and think would be beneficial towards you. You can desire a relationship and close bond with a person, all without wanting a sexual relationship. Not wanting a sexual relationship does not take away or make the relationship any less valuable.

It’s totally fine that while during the make out session with your boyfriend you felt uncomfortable. It’s okay. It’s understandable that you didn’t feel right mainly because you were not into it. It’s okay to love, trust, and care about someone and want to be with them, but are not big on romantic actions like making out. Just because you were not into it does not mean you don’t care, love, or trust him any less. There are many people who are not big on kissing. Kissing does nothing for some people. You are most certainly not alone here. And there are many other ways to show affection than just kissing. 

Don’t feel bad about not enjoying the make out session. Kissing is clearly not something that you are into and that’s okay. There is nothing that you need to feel bad about. It’s okay to make out with your boyfriend, even if you are not into it, but to make him happy and please him. As long as you are okay doing it. Do not ever feel pressure or that you have to make out with your boyfriend. If you are comfortable enough to make out with your boyfriend to make him happy, then that’s okay. If you are uncomfortable then you don’t have to kiss him that intimately. 

Try talking to you boyfriend. Explain to him how you feel. You don’t have to tell him you don’t care kissing/making out, but that maybe you prefer a different approach. That you would rather kiss in a different way. Something that is more meaningful and passionate instead of running on emotion and feelings that make outs can come from. You prefer a close intimate bond, something that shows that you two care deeply about each other. 

Sex dreams are extremely confusing, especially when consciously you know you are not really into sex, but it’s quite normal to have a sex dream. Dreams don’t necessarily mean anything at all. A dream is just your brain processing information that happened throughout the day, your thoughts, or other things from your past and present. As you brain process these things it creates an image and you get a dream, which usually has something to do with what you have thought about or experienced that day or days before. Sex dreams can happen for several reasons. We are constantly bombarded with sexual things daily so it makes sense that every once in a while we have a sex dream. And other things can factor in this as well such as hormones, or menstruation, during these times people are more sexual so a sex dream is common.

Don’t you worry, there are many people, including aces, who have sex dreams even though they know for a fact that they don’t want sex or don’t care for sex. It happens. It does not have to mean anything. Sex dreams are not important or anything to worry about. Having a sex dream will never take away from your orientation or change how you identify. You can still be ace and have sex dreams.

It’s also super cool to not be sexual or want sex, but still want kids someday. There is nothing wrong with be ace and wanting kids. Many aces already have kids (biological and adopted). Being ace cannot prevent from having kids or what it takes to have kids. You can have sex with your printer for the sole purpose of having children one day. That’s perfectly fine. If you want kids then that is totally cool. You have every right to want children. It’s okay to be ace and want kids.

Based on what you told me, it sounds like there is a good chance that you are asexual, graysexual or somewhere else on the spectrum. Considering you rarely ever think about anything sexual with people you are aesthetically attracted too and don’t really care to have a sexual relationship. If you want, you can also check out inactsexual, bellussexual, or akoisexual. Incatsexual is where you want a relationship, but are repulsed or don’t care for the actions that come with a certain relationship. Bellussexual, which is considered the opposite of inactasexual, is where you are okay with sexual actions, but don’t want a sexual relationship.  Akoisexual is where you feel attraction, but don’t want it reciprocated, not interested, or the feelings fade once you enter a relationship. 

I also think you should explore your romantic orientation as well. This would probably be easier for you to figure out. Try working on your romantic attraction. I think there is a chance you could be on the aromantic spectrum too considering you said that you were not really into the make out session that happened. Try looking into cupioromantic, inactromantic, bellusromantic, or akoiromantic. Cupioromantic is where you don’t feel romantic attraction, but still desire a romantic relationship. Inactromantic is where you want a romantic relationship, but don’t care for or like the actions associated with that attraction. Bellussromantic is where you are okay with romantic actions, but don’t want a romantic relationship. Akoiromantic is where you can feel romantic attraction, but are not interested, don’t want it reciprocated, or the feelings fade once you enter the relationship.

Poke around and see what you can find. See what can fit for you and what can’t. Try some things out. And just because you are acespec or arospec does not mean you cannot have a wonderful, loving, and meaningful relationship or kids. You can still have all of these things.

You hang in there, Anon. You are doing an amazing job. You know you are aesthetically attracted to both sexes, now it’s just figuring out your romantic and sexual attractions to help figure out your orientations. Try working on your romantic attraction and romantic orientation first. Then try working on your sexual attraction and orientation. Based on what you told me it does sound like you are on the asexual spectrum. Asexual, graysexual, or another ace orientation can work for you and anyone of them would be valid for you to identify as. The final decision is always yours so go with whatever makes you the most comfortable. If you need any help, have any more questions, or would like me to clarify or elaborate on anything feel free to message me anytime.