#Eomer: this is the man's dick you want to suck?

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Éomer sits on the edge of whether or not he should inquire. Decides to push himself off into his choice: ‘What is it?’ ‘My lord?’ ‘What are you thinking over? It’s something to do with…we need a name for him [Saruman].’ ‘The Collector,’ Gríma says far too swiftly for Éomer’s liking. ‘He collects things. Keeps them in cabinets that line the walls of this one room…Specimens—insects pinned to boards, birds, also jars with preserved animals, body parts. All meticulously labelled—’ ‘And this is the man you thought to follow?’ ‘It’s a study, Éomer. Have you never wondered how something works? Take apart an animal to see what goes where inside of it? How some deaths are caused by things unseen to the naked eye? Have you never wondered?’ ‘Not about that.’ ‘Whatever it is you have wondered about, there is likely an answer to it in Orthanc. The books he has, a tremendous number. More than any one man could read in a lifetime.’ ‘Is there an answer to that time the sun disappeared?’ Éomer asks, harsher than intended. ‘Is there an answer to why some men seem incapable of love while others love too much? Is there an answer to why some children die in their cot and others live to adulthood? Is there an answer to why there is evil in this world? Is there an answer to why there is good? Why is it we all have both inside of us and some are able to do what is right while others struggle?’ Gríma looks at Éomer for the first time since they began this strange, evening conversation. Eyes wide, pools of black ink, lips in a thin line like a suture. Éomer believes he is being weighed. He believes some unknowable calculation is being thought through. [...] ‘Collector,’ Éomer prompts. ‘I dislike it. It makes my skin crawl.’ Gríma lifts an eyebrow, face profile to Éomer for he continues to study the blinking red of the cinders. ‘It makes it seem as if he views everyone and everything as nothing more than objects,’ Éomer continues. ‘Something to use up, discard. Like those specimens you described, but instead of snakes or frogs or what-have-you it is people.’ ‘Sometimes,’ Gríma murmurs. ‘It is sometimes like that.’ Should Éomer ask if Gríma is being literal? ‘What troubles you?’ Éomer tries, instead.   ‘What is this?’ Gríma bites back, but with little heat. ‘Éomer son of Éomund is interested in Wyrmtunga’s well-being?’ ‘I am interested in you remaining well enough to see this through to the end. After that point, I care not what comes of you.’

"I don't care about you beyond this plot we have going together" says Eomer son of Eomund, a lying liar who lies.

also man I love Grima being like "This is very normal!!" about Saruman and Eomer being like "This is not, in fact, normal!! This is, in fact, deranged behaviour!!"

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

working on a scene with Saruman (everyone's favourite Tower Top) and god he and Grima need to fuck (derogatory) (no, they don't).

get a room!

Eomer: I'm banning you from Orthanc.

Grima: that. goes against our plans.

Eomer: if you're sucking dick, it's mine, not that old man's.

Grima: but what if I want to fuck that old man???

Eomer: no.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Yet another writing ask: 2, 3, 26, 33, 40 please!

Five million years later I am answering your ask! Thank you so much for sending it along!

I'll focus mostly on our beloved snake man, as relevant/appropriate.

2. Anything that you'd like to write but feel like you're unable to?

There are a lot of fanfic ideas that I don't feel like I have time or energy for them, or to do them justice.

For Grima - there's a half-written sequel to Be Not Afraid of Plenty/Wondrous Works where Eomer's getting married and Grima's getting up to no good and isn't at all jealous/feeling abandoned/experiencing the many uncomfortable feelings that can exist within the human condition. Why would you think he is??

I want to write something of a creature feature with Grima and Eomer (one of them is a Creature, idk, something fucked up and monstrous) but I'm not sure I'll ever have time or, more importantly, motivation/energy.

3. How would you describe your writing style?

Literary and poetic, for sure. Perhaps a bit florid and purple-prosey/try-hard at times.

26. What would you describe as OOC?

hmmm I'm not sure. Grima's one of those characters where he can be written in a variety of ways that are all supported by what we have in the canon so I'm not sure there's a lot of OOC opportunities.

I mean there are the basics: he should be mean and hungry, he should be sly and cunning, he should be a coward/have minimal to no backbone, he should be drawn to power and wealth, he should be a thief (if we're doing book Grima, at least), he should be someone who takes a mile if you give him an inch etc.

But how all of those traits manifest, and which ones are the dominant traits, is all pretty loose and very much up to the writer. Because it's like, are we writing Grima at the height of his power? If we are, there's some arrogance to interweave into him that is pretty thoroughly stamped out by the time we get the scouring of the Shire. Are we writing Grima only from the movies? Are we writing Book Grima? Post-Saruman Grima? Post-Saruman and with Frodo for a month? Six months? A year? What kind of childhood and family are we giving him? etc. all of these things would impact him and change him as a person in some manner.

For me personally, I always bump on him as a character if he's not sassy/doesn't have a bit of an Attitude & Authority Problem. But that's because I really go hard on Book Grima who is sassy and snarky, even when he's beaten down thoroughly by Saruman. Like, the depths of that dark point on his life, he's still a snarky bitch. It's in there, it's just been stomped on and beaten into something like submission. But give him some care for ten minutes and man that attitude of his will come springing back up.

However, I understand why people don't include that part of him. It's very book-based, it's not how he's written in the movies, and it's one of the aspects of him that's a bit at odds with the remainder of his character which is very grovely/boot licking/dick sucking/let me make a thousand excuses in a whiny voice etc.

I might have a Lot of Thoughts on Grima's characterisation...

33. Give your writing a compliment

I think that I'm a rather good world-builder and thinking things through, and working out details, is a strength of mine.

40. Write a 9-word fic 17-word fic.

Elderflower mead is Saruman's voice. And surely, it's no bad thing to listen to something so beautiful?

(nine words is hard! no space for the language to breathe)

---

Thank you!!

[ask meme]

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

If you ever wrote a Griomer fic set in modern times, what job would Grima have? What car would he drive? What kind of beer or wine would he drink? Where would he live? What would he do to relax? How would he and Eomer meet? Curious minds would love to know :)

A BEAUTIFUL, BOUNTIFUL THOUGHT. 

May your crops be watered and your cows plentiful. 

Ok so the first real question is setting. I’m going to go with Portugal. Lisbon, to be exact. Because I don’t know any modern AU that takes pace anywhere other than America and England. With a few exceptions that just prove the rule. 

Grima works for the government in the legal department of one of the ministries. Maybe Foreign Affairs or Finance - something in that vein. Is he on the take? Probably. Can you get things done by shoving him a handful of dirty 100 euro bills? Yes. 

He was also absolutely was running a book during the dust up between that one anti-masker judge and the director of police over Covid. When the judge challenged the police director to hand to hand combat saying that if he won the police director would have to publicly state “I’m an idiot, a puppet and the government’s bitch.” 

Grima LIVED for that whole hot mess. He also absconded with all the funds from running the book because Grima is here for that sweet sweet cash money.

But yeah, he works in a government legal department and people just refer to him as “Grima from legal,” as if there are other men with his name running around. Mostly people avoid him, yet somehow he keeps climbing up the ladder and no one understands how or why this is happening. 

He is a riot to have on calls though because when people are like “if we pass this legislation would that contravene the constitution” he always answers “I can make it so it won’t”. 

Examples of a day with Grima at the office: 

Grima: I’m not sure I like this language in the contract as it stands - it makes it seem that we would be liable to pay the local municipality a bucket of money. And we’re not going to do that. 

Random civil servant: That language came from the city’s mistrust of us at the central government. 

Grima: Completely fair, I don’t trust us either. But we’re taking it out. The municipality is on their own. Shame them with their bad fiscal planning if they kick up a fuss. 

[...]

Civil servant: Can we even do this? Like, are we actually allowed to pass this kind of legislation?

Grima: I mean you can. The courts will hate you and you will have judges out for your blood. But you can. Theoretically, government can do anything. 

Grima: Anyway, there are regulations already in place to support the legislation’s implementation. We’re cart-before-horsing it here but trust me. It’s fine.  

Civil servant:

Grima:

Civil servant: 

Grima: I mean, I do maintain that it was a mistake to pass the regulations so quickly but uh .... things got out of hand. Which is typical. 

Civil servant: Got out of hand? The regulations are a mess. 

Grima: They’re a mess because we’re just making it up as we go along. 

-

As they’re in Lisbon I suspect Grima takes public transit or walks to work on the average day. Also, I don’t know enough about cars to have an opinion of what kind he would drive.  

Grima, as a contrast to other Portuguese people, prefers wine to beer but will drink whatever you put in front of him. I enjoy head-canoning that his preference is for rose and he tells people who judge him about this to go suck a metaphorical dick. That said, I suspect his table wine/what he always has in the house is red. Probably from the Duoro region. Also your bog-standard liquor collection.  

That said, those little 15cl glasses that beer comes in Portugal. He finds that acceptable. 

I think he’s a snacker. Like he just snacks through the day instead of eating real meals. Five minutes between meetings and he’s casually eating a sandwich. Where did he get the sandwich? Who knows. Why is there a bag of chips suddenly appearing? Magic. 

I head-canon, in both universes, that Grima a) likes pickled things, b) hates asparagus and walnuts, c) consumes vast quantities of coffee and d) has a serious sweet tooth. How many pastéis de nata can this man consume in a single sitting? So many. 

For how he spends his free time - he does like the football and has many spicy opinions about everything relating to it. Especially the latest fiasco in the UK. Also, the UK in general. 

Grima: England was a mistake. Shouldn’t have happened. 

Eomer: Guess we’ll just visit Ireland and Scotland. 

Grima: Why would we do that? It’s cold up there. I want to go to Croatia or Naples.

Eomer: We went to Naples last year. 

Grima: ... Your point?

Though he pretends to be disinterested in it for Reputation Reasons, I suspect he’d be a big fan of Eurovision and does one of those March-madness style betting pools with his siblings over it. It’s the only time he talks to his brothers. 

Christmas? No. Civic holidays? No. World Cup? No. Eurovision? Yes. 

Eomer thinks this just demonstrates that Eurovision is the solution to most problems. 

In terms of day to day hobbies/way to spend spare time - lots of reading. Many books. Eomer is like “One day we’re going to be eaten alive by your books. There are so many of them.” 

As it’s Grima, he has a chaotic organizational system for them that makes sense only to him. Also, he never re-shelves them so there are very neat and precise stacks of books around the flat which he finds rather soothing. He makes upset noises whenever Eomer tries to tidy up. 

Eomer believes in de-cluttering. Grima does not. 

Puzzles - I firmly believe Grima likes puzzles. And those crazy ones too, like 7k pieces of the moon. So it’s all white and grey. 

Also strategy board games and trick-based card games. 

And for where he lives? I assume a flat - one bedroom, nothing too fancy those he has Aspirations and Dreams of being filthy, stinking rich one day and being able to spend money like an American. 

-

Oh man, how did they meet? I feel like they’re on opposite sides of some legal issue or argument. Like Eomer works for the Lisbon government and there’s a jurisdictional dispute and Grima’s representing whatever Ministry is involved and it’s all knives out. 

Then afterwards they keep running into each other because Life is Full of Trouble. Grima’s like “can a man not drink his coffee and eat his pastries in peace?” and Eomer slides into the chair across from him, “How’s my favourite corrupt government lawyer?” Grima gives him a rude gesture. 

Grima’s all, “Excuse me, I’m busy.” Proceeds to take out a deck of cards to Very Visibly play solitaire. 

Eomer is thinking, Oh my god what a freak. What comes out of his mouth is, “So you want to grab dinner or something?”

Grima, “No.” 

Eomer, “Drinks? Go for a walk?” 

Grima: 

Eomer, “.... I know a book store with a cafe in it that sells really good croissants and does like an overly fancy charcuterie board”

Grima, “I’m free next Friday at 8.”  Immediately goes back to his cards. 

Oh he’s also permanently attached to his cellphone. Like it’s probably glued to him at this point. An additional limb coming out of his left hand. 

Eomer: We’re on holiday. 

Grima: government never stops babe. 

-

Thank you so much for this ask. I love them so much they’re both so dumb. 

<3 <3