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alphabet-blues · 4 years ago

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Here it is, chapter one of my baby, my magnum opus. This fic is going to be so long so I hope you guys are buckled up and ready. Each chapter also is accompanied by a literature/media excerpt and five song mini-mix as a YouTube playlist. - Venom

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Title: drowning lessons

Pairing: Harley Keener/Peter Parker

Fandom: Spider-Man (Tom Holland), and MCU

Chapter: One

Rating: Explicit

Content Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Tags: Angst, Depression, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Graphic Drug usage, Addiction, Graphic Usage of Opioids, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, brief mentions of forced prostitution, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, drug overdose, Graphic Depiction of a Drug Overdose, Getting Together, Fluff, Banter, The Euphoria Fic, Blowjobs, Alternate Universe - College/University, Drug Addict Harley, Aged-Up Harley Keener, Aged-Up Peter Parker, Drowning Lessons, Falling In Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags Are Hard, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Harley Keener Needs a Hug, Underage Drinking, Partying, Purchasing of Drugs, Harley's Nirvana Hoodie is a character

Summary: It all started with a house party and a bad idea, like most things in Harley’s life.

In which Harley takes pills, listens to Nirvana, and doesn't want to be alive anymore.

Falling for Peter is easier than breathing, and also the least of his problems.

(Also known as the Parkner Euphoria Fic)

Mini-Mix 1 for Chapter 1

The Pool Players. Seven at the Golden Shovel.

We real cool. We Left school. We

Lurk late. We Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We Die soon.

- Gwendolyn Brooks

It all started with a house party and a bad idea, like most things in Harley’s life.

He was 14, and it was his first party. Well, not his first party, but his first party with actual high schoolers that involved booze that wasn’t snuck out from a parent’s meticulous liquor cabinet. Harley though, didn’t have much of a taste for alcohol.

The smell of beer on people’s clothes was tainted by memories of his Father. He’d had his first beer when he was 10, given to him by his Uncle with strict orders not to tell his Mother. It was bitter, rancid, and burned as it went down and Harley couldn’t understand how people loved this stuff. Or how his Father had chosen this over their family.

The party was a little ways out from the main road and tucked behind a line of trees that led to a few rolling fields of corn. It was October, and there was a slight chill in the air. The corn had been combined at the end of summer, leaving a desecrated patch of land in its wake. By the time next summer rolled around, there would be stalks nearly as tall as Harley. He was fascinated by the cycle of it all.

Technically, there wasn’t supposed to be any freshman at the party, but he had weaseled an invite from his friend Joey’s older brother, Mike, as long as he followed his strict orders to “be cool.” Harley could do that.

When Harley made his way into the house he watched the different crowds of upperclassmen interact. Some were dancing to the loud thumping of the music playing from the speakers by the TV in the living room, while others were huddled into tight groups, either drinking, or passing a joint around. An ache settled inside Harley’s chest.

Harley committed to his role of being a wallflower and held back from all of the groups as he made his way through the house. He had sat on the couch for close to a half-hour when someone passed him a joint and told him to take a hit. Harley did, and was careful not to choke so he didn’t look green at his first-ever real party.

The joint in question got passed around their circle a few more times until someone put it out. At that point, Harley had taken several puffs and was starting to feel light-headed and fuzzy, but in a good way.

The ache in his chest morphed - it spread warmth over Harley’s ribs and clavicle, but it still burned.

Harley floated through the house afterwards, giggling at nothing, and took whatever was offered. He drank something bitter and sour that made him want to hurl before he was passed something sickly sweet but felt like acid as it washed down. When he finally stumbled out of the house he felt a happy buzz wash over him. He could barely feel the cold nip of the air, and goosebumps raised all up along his arms.

He found his bike where he had discarded it on the grass lawn when he arrived. It was hard to see in the dark, especially with his head swimming, but he managed to pull his bike onto the road. The wind of the night air blew through his shaggy overgrown hair as it fell in his eyes. He biked down the eerily quiet streets of his hometown as the persistent aching in his chest eventually subsided, for the first time since it had arrived. No one was around, and his ears were filled with static due to the lack of sound - a sharp contrast from the thudding bass of the party.

He fell off his bike twice before he got home, and winced as his elbow got scratched up from the gravel. But instead of being frightened, he was elated, he couldn't really feel it. He snuck back into his room through the window he kept unlocked for that exact purpose, and made sure to be as quiet as possible, even though the motor functions in his hand were failing him and it took him multiple tries to get his window up.

He changed his clothes, noting how they smelled, and buried them deep into the bottom of his hamper so his Mom wouldn’t get suspicious. When he finally collapsed onto his bed he felt sated. He was warm, and the rocking of his bed from his head spinning as he closed his eyes lulled him to sleep.

It was probably the best sleep he’d gotten in years.

That was the start, but it wasn’t the beginning.

The beginning was not quite a year later, at the start of summer break. He was invited to a pool party by Mike’s friends. As soon as the sun went down they all changed out of their bathing suits and into t-shirts, and shorts. They relocated to Maddy’s basement - the girl who had been throwing the party. Harley was expecting the alcohol, and the weed. He’d gotten used to it by now, and even knew how to roll one of the best joints in town. He kept a stash in a sealed bag buried deep inside his nightstand that he would pull out and smoke in the backyard by the shed whenever things got overwhelming. Or, for when that well-known emptiness crept into his veins, that instead of making him angry, just made him sad, and desolate.

He was used to the weed, but the pills were something new. He was halfway through a joint that he had matched with a girl he vaguely recognized. She had introduced herself as “Tasha” when one of Mike’s friends stumbled over and sat down next to him. Harley passed the joint over to Tasha. His head was swimming pleasantly, and he grinned over at the guy who he was pretty sure was named Toby.

“Look what Jessica’s sister brought,” Toby said excitedly as he held up a baggy with a bunch of tiny perfectly round blue pills. “She’s like the fucking tooth fairy, I swear to God,” He crowed as he handed a pill to Harley and one to Tasha. Tasha glanced over at Harley nervously, and Harley didn’t say anything until Toby left, probably to go distribute the pills to the other partygoers.

Harley looked down at the pill he had clutched in his palm. It had a ‘5’ etched big in the center, with a smaller ‘325’ carved under it. Harley recognized the pills from health class. It was percocet.

Tasha finished the joint and then stubbed it out on a spare plate that everyone had been using as a makeshift ashtray. “I’m gonna go see what Josh is up to,” She told Harley in a small voice before handing him the pill she had been given. “I’m good with just weed.”

Harley nodded dumbly as he watched her scamper off. He took in the scene of the party going on around him as he stared at the now two pills in his hand. It felt like an old cartoon where there was an angel and devil sitting on his shoulder arguing over what he should do. He stared at it for entirely too long before he said, “Fuck it,” and swallowed one down dry. He tucked the other one into his weed grinder for safekeeping, figuring that even if he hated how it made him feel he could probably sell it to someone at school for a couple of dollars.

The next twenty minutes passed slowly as he waited anxiously for it to kick in, to see how it would feel. He didn’t feel anything for the first while and was gonna accuse Jessica’s sister of being an idiot and buying counterfeit pills when it started washing over him in waves. He went out to the back deck where the pool was, and where it was relatively empty. He sat down on the edge as his eyes went half-massed, and the ribbons of euphoria made their way through his bloodstream.

For a blissful while he didn’t feel anything. Nothing at all. He laid out flat, head facing the water, and started swirling circles in it with his pointer finger. He watched for what felt like hours as his finger caused ripples in the pool.

It wasn’t until later, much later, when Joey was helping him into his house quietly, because he was too fucked up to stand, that he pulled the grinder out of his pocket. He opened it once Joey had gone home and looked at the little pill inside of it. Harley didn’t understand alcohol, but he understood this. He would do anything to feel nothing again.

It wasn’t an all-or-nothing type beat, at least in the beginning. It was more gradual. As the low simmer of Harley’s misery built so did his coping mechanisms. It wasn’t until right after he turned 16 that he was sneaking out to parties every single weekend, coming back high, drunk, or sometimes something worse.

He bought from Jessica’s sister for a while until she left town. Then, he bounced around various dealers getting wildly different qualities. He tried a little bit of everything, and never turned down a pill if it was offered. He passed out in so many different basements he lost track. He could tell that his Mom was catching on to his worsening attitude and sunken eyes. Hell, even he had noticed the weight he had lost and how he was able to count most of his ribs without sucking in anymore. None of that mattered. All that mattered was how he could get rid of the emptiness inside of him, even if it was just for a night, or however long the drugs in his system lasted.

He got a job bagging groceries at the mini-mart downtown. Most of the people that he worked with were college burnouts who sold and did drugs whenever they weren’t showing up for a shift. He bought baggies of pills in the parking lot whenever he got off work with the money he made from his minimum wage. He knew that he couldn’t keep up the delicate balance forever, and eventually there would be a tipping of the scales.

It was a month before his 17th birthday when he ran out of money.

He needed a fix so bad that his hands were shaking and he could barely see straight. He had nearly crashed his bike 10 times on his way over to Tyler’s apartment. He wasn’t the best of dudes, but his shit was always pure, and Harley knew he could deliver.

Once Harley climbed up the steps he walked along the railing until he got to the door that led to Tyler’s apartment. He rang the doorbell as he fidgeted with his hoodie and dug his fingers into his palm so hard he nearly drew blood. When Tyler opened the door he followed him inside, chewing on his lip.

Tyler went back to his room as Harley waited anxiously in the foyer. He didn’t have any money, and he didn’t know what he was going to do. All he knew was that he needed another pill. He needed everything to stop. He bit his thumb as he waited for Tyler to come back out. After a few tense moments, Tyler came back out with a baggy full of familiar pills. He sat them down on the coffee table and glanced at Harley expectantly.

“I can pay you back next Friday. That’s when I get paid,” Harley told him, his tongue feeling thick in his mouth.

Tyler sucked on his teeth and grabbed the pills back up, before Harley had a chance to reach for them. “You still owe me for last time.”

Harley’s stomach dropped. “Right. I know that. Just- ... I can pay you back next week.”

Tyler shook his head. “And what’s in it for me?”

Harley’s eyes widened as he took in the setting of what was going on. “W-what do you mean?”

Tyler shrugged. “How bad do you want ‘em, kid?”

Harley bristled, and brought the sleeves of his hoodie down to hide his hands. He wanted to hide from the situation completely, but knew he’d be right back here tomorrow if he didn’t leave with the pills that he needed. “What do you want?”

“I heard you gave Colson head at the bonfire party a few months ago,” Tyler said, as Harley’s face burned. “You any good?”

Harley counted to 10 in his head. He thought about a lot of things in the time it took for him to count. He thought about his Mom, his Dad, and his sister. He thought about his one English teacher from the previous year who always had an absurd amount of faith in him and told him that he was capable of great things if he just put his mind to it. He thought briefly about Tony and his billions of dollars while here he was broke as shit and questioning his morals. He thought about Colson, who he’d had a crush on for a couple of months, who let him blow him at a party and then told him afterwards that he wasn’t gay, and that they probably shouldn’t do it again. Lastly, he thought about how shaky his hands were and how all of this would be over as soon as he got his hand on the pills. There were five in the baggy. If he paced himself he could last until next Friday when he got paid and he would never have to do this again.

With that resolve in mind, he closed his eyes and dropped to his knees.

| | |

When he left Tyler’s apartment he couldn’t stop wiping at his mouth, and how it felt dirty and raw. He got halfway down the street before he let his bike fall to the ground and bent over to wretch into the grass on the side of the road. He didn’t have much in his system so it was mostly just bile, but anything, literally anything, was better than the lingering taste of Tyler’s cum in his mouth that only served to remind him what he had let him do.

Once he gathered his wits back up, he was able to make it to the 7-Eleven that was only a few blocks away from his house. He parked his bike in the bike rack outside half in a daze, feeling like he was no longer inside his body. He went into the bathroom with his hood up, and made sure nobody else was inside. He wiped down the edge of the sink with soap, and dried it meticulously with the thin paper towels from the machine. He took one of the pills out of the baggie and smashed it until it was basically powder. He spread it with his finger into a line on the edge of the sink and snorted all of it in one go.

As soon as he did he felt the immediate head rush and stinging pain in his nasal cavity that made his eyes burn and well up with tears. He grabbed onto the sink for dear life as he took several deep breaths. He looked up and finally made eye contact with himself in the mirror. His hair was a messy tangle, and greasy, on top of his head. His eyes were bloodshot, and his nose was red, as well as his mouth, which looked rubbed raw. In a certain light, it could have been enticing, but Harley knew that he just really looked wrung out.

He glared at his reflection in the mirror until someone else walked into the bathroom. Harley froze in place and waited till the guy took his position at one of the far down urinals. “Whatever,” he whispered to his reflection as he turned around and left the bathroom, wiping at his nose with the bottom of his hoodie sleeve. The moment he reached his bike he felt it start to kick in and he breathed out a sigh of relief as the telltale rush he had gotten used to spread from his head down his shoulders, all the way to his toes as his chest flooded with warmth.

He just had to make it until next Friday, and then everything was going to be okay.

| | |

The thing was, Harley was a pretty angry person. He wasn’t angry all the time, but the slightest thing could set him off. He had a temper like his Dad, and it was always hard to stop himself from doing something rash, or impulsive. His Mom liked to say that he thought with his fists before his head. His anger was more like a low simmer, on a backburner constantly until something set him off and he snapped. It had only gotten worse since he started the pills, but so had everything in his life. He knew he had a problem, but that didn’t mean he wanted to stop.

Harley had been getting into fights at school for almost as long as he could remember. There was a day in elementary school where he had to wait outside the principal's office with a split lip and torn-up knuckles. He could hear his Mom crying through the door, he could hear her saying how tough it had been since Harley’s Dad had left and it made him feel awful. But, it also kind of just made him want to punch stuff more.

Kids at school were mean, but all kids who are growing are mean, and seem to have endless bouts of nasty shit to say. They picked on Harley because he was weird, and nerdy, and his Dad had left. There wasn’t even a divorce like some of the other kids in his class. He didn’t have elusive tales of two Christmases, or weekends at his Dad’s - all he eventually got was Tony Stark showing up in his garage when he was 9, before he fucked off just like everybody else. Sure, he had decked out his garage, but that didn’t mean much. Tony was a fucking billionaire, it was probably the equivalent of him giving a homeless kid on the street a 5 dollar bill.

Harley got better at learning how to deal with his anger. He also got better at not getting punched, and throwing his own. He learned how to hide bloody knuckles, or bloody noses, and only got pulled into the office a handful of times. They made him go to the school counselor and she said it was a coping mechanism; that the violence was a way for him to act out and ask for attention. Harley thought she was mostly a quack who didn’t actually give a shit about the kids she was supposed to be helping. The fighting had been self-defense, but the pills? He could admit that those were probably the coping mechanism.

Harley thought about his school counselor as he locked the door to his room and threw the baggy of pills that he had worked so hard for into his nightstand, under a pile of books he was supposed to be reading for class and knew he never would. He wondered what she would think of him now, or what he had done. He laughed mirthlessly at the picture of her horrified face as he told her that the school system had failed him, just like his Dad, and just like everybody fucking else.

Despite everything, his grades were good. Harley was smart. He knew he was smart, and that was half of his problem. He stopped having to try in school after the second week of 6th grade. He always showed up, and always finished his work though, even if he was working on his projects high out of his fucking mind. He usually wrote his best papers that way.

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, he thought about his Dad. He thought about what his Dad would say to him and his pills. Maybe an outsider would draw parallels to him and his Father, from one addict to another. He wasn’t anything like his Father, though. Yeah, Harley had a problem, but he was still here, still doing the shit he was supposed to be doing. He was still a functioning member of society as far as he was concerned and hadn’t ran away as soon as things had gotten tough. His Father was a coward and that’s all he’d ever be.

Sometimes though, sometimes, in the dead of night when he was shaking and sweating from either a comedown, or withdrawal, he would try to discern if his Dad would be sad, if he even gave a shit at all. He wondered if he would be disappointed.

Whenever those thoughts took hold he would just text one of his friends to see if a party was going on, and there usually was. He’d smoke a joint, or take a pill that was offered and suddenly he’d forget all about the thoughts that had previously been consuming him.

But the thing about all of his anger is that he would gladly take it over the sadness. There was a hole inside of him. He wasn’t quite sure when it formed, but it was there. It threatened to consume him whole on nights he was alone and could only stare at the popcorn ceiling of his bedroom. The only time when he didn’t feel empty was when he had some chemical pumping through his veins. So that became his thing.

He couldn’t ignore though, how it was hurting everyone he loved. Abbie and his Mom never said anything, but sometimes it was like they knew. They would give him a look with their sad eyes like they wanted to help him, like they somehow had the capability to heal him. When he came home on certain nights, pupils blown and speech slurred, his Mom would look at him like he was his Father.

Maybe he was slowly becoming his Father.

Either way, it hurt, and he couldn’t stop. The only thing that didn’t hurt anymore was the dizzying rush he got whenever he snorted the pills that he had come to love so much.

There was one night that Harley could remember. He had slammed his bike on the front porch a little hard, and had made a little too much noise coming in through the window of his bedroom. He was high as shit and the world was thick, but buzzing around him. He changed out of his jeans into an undershirt, his hands fumbling and not working right, like they were no longer connected to his brain. When he finally finished his task he stumbled out into the hallway to go to the bathroom before he could pass out for school in the morning.

As soon as he got to the door of the bathroom he could hear his Mom talking in the living room, and he froze. Her voice was muffled, but he could still make out what she was saying. It sounded like she was on the phone with someone, which wouldn’t be an unusual occurrence for her, especially at this time of the night. It always made Harley smile whenever he would come home and she would be gabbing excitedly with one of her girlfriends, or spilling town gossip. This time, however, Harley could tell she wasn’t chatting with her friends.

“He’s just been so withdrawn. I know he sneaks out of the house almost every night and I don’t know if I should let him have his freedom or be concerned.” Harley heard her say, her voice sapped, and weary. “He’s so bright. You know that. I’m worried that’s going to be what gets him.” She paused for a while, so someone else on the phone must have said something. Harley took that time to let his head fall against the door of the bathroom.

Harley had a feeling the conversation was about him and it made him sick. His fuzzy brain was taking in all the words she was saying and knew that he didn’t want her to feel that way. He didn’t want her to worry. But he also couldn’t stop. His brain was whirring all the time and the only thing that ever gave him peace; a fucking reprieve, stopped the voice in his head - the one that sounded like his Father, the one that told him he was a waste of space, that he was nothing - were the pills that he took, or snorted, whichever was easier, or quicker, really. At least when he was high he was a good nothing.

“No, I know. And he’s so good sometimes. He’ll be happy and chatty, and he’s always been so good with Abbie...it could just be a teenager thing. Sometimes I’m just at a loss. I know he needs something, but I don’t know what that is.”

The world to stop turning, Harley thought, with a sudden flash of vengeance. If there was one thing he could write on his Christmas list it would be for the world to stop turning, and for him to stop breathing. But that would definitely cause his Mom more concern and he didn’t want that.

He didn’t want to listen to the conversation anymore, so he made sure to open the bathroom door obviously, and took a few stomping steps inside, hitting his hand on the counter in the process, that way she would be alerted to his presence in the hallway.

He couldn’t make out her voice after that.

Harley stared at his face in the mirror. He took in his red eyes, pupils swallowing his irises, skin pale and sickly. At one point he might have been something to look at, with sweeping blonde hair, and a crooked grin that his Mom used to always pinch and say was her favorite.

He didn’t look like that anymore.

He didn’t even look like himself anymore. His outside finally matched his inside - a hollow shell of someone pretending to be a person.

When he got out of the bathroom his Mom was no longer on the phone, and he couldn’t pretend to be anything other than absolutely exhausted, so he shuffled into his room and fell back onto his bed. He played the words she had said on the phone call over and over again in his head until he fell asleep.

| | |

Harley was smart, brilliant, actually, that was the thing. School was a breeze, but he knew that even though he kept his grades up, every time he snuck back in through his bedroom window his Mom was disappointed in him. He knew that she had no idea what he was doing, but she also wasn’t stupid, and somehow knew he was close to doing something that would throw his life away.

If only she knew that this was the only way he could keep on living. If only she knew he probably would have slit his wrists in the bathroom if those tiny little blue pills hadn’t kept him company, and drove away all the malicious clawing thoughts that flickered through his brain constantly.

Harley had an affinity for building things. He also had an affinity for hacking, which would have been worrisome if he wasn’t good enough to hardly ever get caught. After he burned his bridges with Tyler he started exploring his other options. Hacking into the local hospital’s database was so easy it was almost laughable.

He quickly learned it was going to be a dead-end because they kept all their opioids in a Pill-O-Matix which was an automatic drug dispenser that used doctors’ credentials to unlock it. Even if Harley could somehow bypass it he would have to disable the security cams, and it wasn’t something he could do on a regular basis. It wasn’t worth it.

After that, he did some digging into his local pharmacy, but that was mostly a dead end as well. Their computer systems were out of date, but most of their pill tracking was manual, as it was a tiny small-town pharmacy. If any of their opioids went missing they would surely be noticed.

So Harley started bouncing around dealers again. He knew it was dangerous. But the hole inside of him was just as, if not more dangerous, so he knew what he had to do. He got shitty pills from freshmen with older siblings that dealt; who didn’t know the worth of what they were selling. On one occasion he got a set of pills of oxy that were cut with speed that made his heart race and he felt like he was having a low-grade heart attack for hours.

He didn’t want to be this way - a junkie. But he found something that worked when nothing else had. He could feel himself getting worse and worse and knew rock bottom was just around the corner. But he couldn’t stop. He didn’t know if it was a sick desire to actually hit rock bottom and to see what that felt like, or if his own self-control had finally waned to a point of no return.

It all came to a head a week before his high school graduation.

Graduation parties were popping up all over the place, and Harley wasn’t about to miss any of them. It wasn’t so much that he wanted to see his friends (friends that he could barely even call friends anymore because he didn’t really talk to anyone who wasn’t going to eventually sell him drugs).

It wasn’t even that he wanted to have a nostalgic cry fest with all the people who had tortured him his entire adolescence. He just wanted to get as smashed as possible so he could forget everything. Then he wouldn’t have to think about college, which he couldn’t afford, or all of the stress that came with being on the cusp of adulthood.

He could tell that something was off as soon as he took the first pill. He got high quicker than usual, and he also felt higher than what was normal. He relished the buzz, every second of it, and used his impairment as an excuse as to why he took another one, and another one once it was offered. He was never one to turn down free drugs. By the time the third one kicked in he could barely walk outside. He must have fallen on the grass lawn because one minute he was looking at the driveway that led to the house, and the next minute he was blinking up at the night sky.

He didn’t even realize that he was puking until someone was rolling him over with a bruising grip on his arms and back. The bile that had been clogging his throat rose and fell out of his mouth as he heaved and heaved. He puked into the grass for what felt like ages until he tried to focus his eyes and could only make out a vague blob of a person standing over him.

“Fuck, Harley,” he could hear the voice saying, but it was distant. It sounded like they were crying, but he couldn’t figure out why they would be crying. Harley opened his mouth to speak but when he did he only choked on bile once again until he was forced to spit it out in the grass.

A loud ringing was in his ears and all the talking he could hear was muffled and unintelligible. He started shivering violently and couldn’t stop. The hand that was holding him reached for something in the pocket of his jeans but Harley could barely feel it. He came back to himself enough to glance over with glassy eyes and recognized the person as Joey. Fuck. He shouldn’t be seeing him like this.

Joey had a phone pressed to his ear, and Harley tried to piece all the details together to figure out what was going on but it was hard to think. All he could feel was the sudden pounding in his head and how his whole body ached in a way that made him feel like he had just been run over by a semi.

It could’ve been hours later, or only a few minutes, time was passing weird for Harley. But suddenly he was seeing his Mom. She was pale as a ghost as her face floated in front of him, blocking his view of the night sky. “Mom?” Harley said, not quite believing what was in front of him. Just saying those words scratched against his raw throat and suddenly Harley was so, so tired. All he wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up.

“Harley, baby.” His Mom said, her cool hands pressed against his face. He was burning up. When did that happen? “What did you take? We need to know what you took.”

“I didn’t take anything,” Harley mumbled out, his words barely coming out as sounds or words. His Mom must have understood because her face turned thunderous.

“What did you take!” She yelled, her voice turning shrill as she screamed. Harley winced and his eyes fell shut until someone was shaking him, causing him to blearily open his eyes again. His Mom and Joey were like little pale-faced moons over his head as he could hardly make out the details of their faces, or why they were looking at him like that, or why they were so concerned. Couldn’t Harley just go to sleep?

“...hospital,” He heard his Mom say distantly. Then jerkily he was being pulled up by two pairs of hands until he was upright. The movement jostled him and his head fell back painfully like a rag doll. The sudden motion caused him to start puking again, and he bent over and heaved on an empty stomach which only made his throat feel like it had been hacked at with razor blades. Every inch of his body hurt.

He didn’t realize he had been put into a car until he was laying in the backseat while Joey held his head, probably to make sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit again. This was one of his worst nightmares. He could hardly think but suddenly he was stuck in a spiral of guilt so strong that it choked him even further. He could taste the bile he had been throwing up all over his mouth and tongue, and could hear his Mom crying from the front seat.

He was so sorry.

Nobody should be seeing him like this. All he wanted was to go home and pretend like none of this was even happening.

“I’m sorry,” Harley said, even though it was hard for him to talk. He wasn’t sure if he was talking to his Mom, Joey, or possibly both. “I’m sorry,” he kept saying in between the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

That was the last thing he remembered before he fell asleep.

| | |

When Harley woke up he was in a brightly lit hospital, and was lying in a bed. He had various wires hooked to his arms and he felt like death warmed over. Once he was able to blink through the blinding lights and focus on the room he noticed Abbie and Mom, both sound asleep in their own respective guest chairs. A lump formed in his throat as it settled in his bones what had happened.

| | |

After his Mom woke up they fought for what felt like hours. Eventually, it led to her crying as she said she didn’t know what to do. The pills Harley had taken at the party had been laced with fentanyl, and they had caused him to OD. The doctors had told her that he showed signs of having a long-term opioid addiction and would have to go through detox before he would be released. Harley had denied it vehemently until his Mom had told him to cut the bullshit.

In the time that it had taken him to recover he had missed graduation, and hadn’t been able to walk across the stage like the rest of his classmates. Harley pretended that it didn’t sting.

It was clear that his Mother didn’t know what to do with him, and Harley didn’t know what hurt worse, the fact that she looked at him differently now, or the fact that he had hurt her so deeply. It wasn’t until he went through the detox with gritted teeth and false promises that he would stay clean that he knew nobody really believed, that he was able to go home.

When Harley got to his room, he stopped short in the doorway and stared. All of his stuff had been packed up into bags that were sitting on his bed. He turned to look at his Mom, who was only a few feet behind him, with betrayal and fear. Was she kicking him out?

Instead of answering him right away, her eyes trained on a picture that was hung up in the hallway, just a little ways down from the entryway to Harley’s bedroom. It was a baby picture of him. His blonde hair was platinum then, but still tangled at the top of his head like a bird's nest, and he had a wide smile on his face that was completely toothless and all gums. He could see the tears welling in his Mom’s eyes as she turned back to face him.

“When you first mentioned that you wanted to take a gap year I got in touch with Tony. He gave me his number years ago and said to call if we ever needed him. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if the number was still going to work. I thought it might do you good to go and see him.” Her voice trembled then, “Lord knows he has more resources than I do.” A tear trickled down her cheek, but she continued. “I know you’re not happy here, baby. You haven’t been happy for a while, and I don’t...I don’t know what to do.”

Harley tried to let her words sink in, but they weren’t making any sense. “Since when does Tony give a shit about me?”

“Oh sweetie,” His Mom said, eyes sad. “He’s always been keeping tabs on you. He wants what’s best for you.” She seemed to gather herself together then, and her voice was less wobbly when she said, “I think a change of scenery will do you good. You have a flight to New York tomorrow morning, so you should probably get some rest.”

Harley balled his hands into fists at his sides and glared at the bags that had been packed for him. He was a problem who was being shipped off to New York because his Mom no longer knew how to handle him. He wasn’t sure what Tony fucking Stark was going to be able to do for him. The fact that he had been keeping up with Harley and how he was doing hit him as a shock because he genuinely thought that the man had forgotten about him, or at least, didn’t care for him anymore. He didn’t know how to handle the information that not only did Tony in fact care about him, but cared about him enough to open his home to him and want to help him.

“And what if I don’t want to go to New York?” Harley tested, because he always had to push.

His Mom only pursed her lips sadly. “It’s not negotiable.” She closed his door then, he guessed to give him a semblance of privacy. Not like it mattered, he was sure his room had been cleaned of all his stashes, and all his shit was packed up anyway.

Harley punched his pillow repeatedly, and screamed into it a few times before he ended up curled up in his bed and staring unblinkingly at the wall. If he was miserable in Tennessee he doubted New York was going to be much better.

Thanks for reading! This fic means so much to me and I can’t wait to hear the response to it, and post more :)

#Parkner #Drowning Lessons #Fic #Chapter One #Parkner Euphoria Fic #Graphic Drug Usage #Harley Keener #Peter Parker #Keenker #Parley #Harley/Peter #Harley Keener/Peter Parker

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callie-caje · 3 years ago

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it seems like years (since you've been here)

This fic is a gift for the amazing @doctornineandthreequarters who got me to watch 9-1-1 in the first place. Thank you for introducing me to such an amazing show Doc. I think its only fitting that my first 9-1-1 fic be dedicated to you. Title credits to the lovely @lost-lunar-wolf!

Summary: When Buck was a child, Maddie was always there. From every bruise or scrape to every broken bone, Maddie was there. 10 years later and he’s all alone.

Aka the what if Maddie didn’t show up until after the firetruck hurts Bucks leg so he thinks he is all alone fic.

Read here on AO3!

~~~~~~

it seems like years (since you've been here)

Evan Buckley was a clumsy child, always falling from something or another and hurting himself. From falling off his bicycle when he was five to wrecking his motorcycle when he was nineteen, how old he was didn’t matter because there was always one thing that stayed the same: Maddie. When he fell off the bike and refused to touch it again for a week or when he wrecked his motorcycle and went running to her, afraid to tell their parents and what they would say- Maddie was always there. She would look at him with her soft smile and clean his cuts, finishing off the job with a gentle kiss on his forehead. Maddie stuck by him through it all. Every time he needed her she was there, ready to help- until now.

~~~

Buck wasn’t some small kid afraid to tell his parents that he scraped his knee at the park anymore, he was 28 now and a firetruck had just crushed his leg. And this time there was no Maddie at his side, steady hands ready to help and comfort him. This time he was alone. Abby was gone, Maddie was with Doug and Ali had left the moment things got difficult. More precisely, she left after helping settle him on the couch after playing the doting girlfriend during his entire hospital stay.

He didn’t know what it was about him that made everyone leave. He didn’t know why everyone he loved seemed destined to walk away from him and leave him waiting in the shadows, begging and pleading for them to return. He didn’t know what he needed to do differently, what he needed to change about himself to make people stay.

As he pondered this, he heard a sound from the other room. A sound of laughter and joy, a promise of happiness. Turning to face the kitchen where footsteps could be heard, he placed a smile on his face prepared to tell one of his well-meaning friends to leave before one set of footsteps revealed themselves to belong to one of his favorite people: Christopher. Tuning back into the world around him a little bit more, he could hear footsteps upstairs in his loft bedroom opening and closing drawers, Eddie, he thought to himself, of course.

“Buck!” Chris shouted, walking towards him before joining him on the couch, “You have to get ready! Dad has his ceremony today and you have to come!!! Come on!!”

Sighing, Buck looked at his leg and was reminded of the way he had barely left his couch in days, let alone having taken a shower. “I don’t know bud, my leg is still hurting a bunch and I can’t really move it all too much so it's probably best if I just stay here. But you can take lots of pictures and call and tell me all about it later alright? You and your dad will have tons of fun, at my ceremony we had cake AND cookies.” He whispered the last line, like it was some sort of special secret shared between only him and Chris. With that, he could hear steps coming down his loft stairs and seconds later he could see Eddie walking towards them.

“Dad,” Chris said facing his father, “Tell Buck he has to go! You guys are partners, he has to be there! Come on Dad!”

“He’s right,” Eddie answered, looking Buck straight in his eyes, “You should be there. Besides, we have plenty of time until it starts. Definitely enough for you to shower and get ready and we won’t even be late.” Hearing this Buck smiled, all the words he planned to use in his defense having disappeared the moment Eddie stared at him with a look that said he wouldn’t be taking anything but an excited agreement as an answer.

“Alright,” He conceded, grabbing his crutches from the left side of the couch. “Let's do this then.”

~~~

Buck knew he shouldn’t have given in so easily the moment he took a step into the firehouse. Various red and white decorations were everywhere, the families of all the firefighters moving on from probationary to full-time members scattered around the area. As he walked in with the Diaz boys, all eyes turned towards them. And then the whispers started. Whispers mentioning him having been on the news, whispers that wondered how he had survived the whole ordeal, whispers that brought all the attention onto him and away from Eddie and the other graduates.

As they walked further into the firehouse, some of the whispers ceased and as they headed towards the other members of their shift who were all gathered together in the center of the chaos, most of the mingling resumed and the only thing that remained were the stares. Something he’d have to get used to, he assumed, with his picture and footage from that night having been blasting on the news for weeks despite his attempts to call Taylor and get her to cut it out.

~~~

Regret for having come to the event hit once more after the ceremony. Everyone around him was celebrating, surrounded by family. Eddie and Chris were with his parents and Abuela where they were all hugging him and telling him how proud they were. All the other graduates were doing the same, celebrating with their families and smiling while Bobby and the Captains from the other shifts made their rounds, meeting the families and giving their congratulations.

Everyone was laughing and smiling, enjoying the day with their loved ones yet he was alone. Everyone at the 118 had someone, everyone except for him. Hen sat with Karen and their son as Chim cracked jokes. Bobby was sitting with Athena and her kids at the table next to them and Athena had turned her chair to talk to Karen now that Bobby had left to go do his rounds. Eddie and Chris had been sitting with him, but they hadn't been at their table in ages. He was alone.

Gently, he moved his foot off the extra chair at the table where it had been resting, before using his crutches to help him stand. Walking slowly, he snuck past the Diaz table and towards the open garage door where he could wait outside for an Uber. Coming here was a mistake. It was just a reminder of what he didn’t have, what he would never have.

Once he was outside, having partially made his escape, he moved to lean against the short brick wall that helped contain dirt and various plants to “brighten up the dreary station” (Bobby’s words, not his). Once he was sitting on the wall he fumbled with his pocket for a moment before finally grabbing his phone from inside. First, he thought, Uber. Then I can wallow in my own pity at my apartment. That was the plan at least, the plan before everything changed in a moment.

A moment he never expected to have. A moment he never thought would happen. A moment he had dreamt of. A moment where his protector, his caretaker, his sister- his Maddie- came back to him.

“Evan,” A cheerful, yet questioning voice yelled from his left. Turning his head to the yell, he stopped in shock, unable to respond when he saw her walking towards him.

Maddie.

Maddie was walking towards him, a walk that became more of a run as he looked her in the eye. He blinked and suddenly she was standing in front of him, hands reaching out to grasp his shoulders.

“Evan,” Maddie says, this time quieter -only for them to hear.

“Actually, everyone calls me Buck now,” He managed to whisper to her in response when she pulled him into her arms.

As she rested her head on his tears began to pool in his eyes. She was here. Maddie was here. He wasn’t alone anymore. Lifting his head a bit, he looked over her shoulder to see the confused looks of his team staring at them. This time, the stares were less painful, less threatening. This time, they felt like they came from a place of concern, not like he was some social pariah. This time he had Maddie. Releasing him from the hug, she looked him up and down, no doubt cataloging his injuries. “How?” he asked quietly, not sure he wanted the answer for why she was finally here now of all times. Now, not when he graduated. Not when he watched someone fall off a rollercoaster and he called her sobbing. Not when he called her after Abby left and he didn’t know what to do. Now, when he hadn’t called or tried to talk to her in over a year minus the yearly Christmas card he sent.

“You were on the national news with your accident. I had to come see you for myself.” She told him firmly, looking him in the eyes just like she used to when they were kids and she had something important to tell him. “It took me a couple weeks to get ready to leave without Doug noticing or I’d have been here sooner, I’m sorry Ev- Buck.” She corrected, finishing.

“It's okay,” he mumbled. Even if it wasn’t just yet, it would be soon because she was here, he thought as he buried his face into her shoulder once more, “It’s okay.” After another moment of being held in her embrace, she pulled away to look at him again, almost like she couldn't believe he was real and sitting in front of her. Leaning down, she gently pressed her lips to his forehead making him close his eyes and smile before she turned to face their audience.

“Hello, I’m Maddie Buckley, Buck’s sister. It's great to meet you all.” She said as she greeted their audience, arm still wrapped protectively around his shoulder. As his team began to walk towards them he smiled, and for the first time in a long while he truly believed that he wasn’t alone.

#911 fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #maddie buckley #hurt/comfort #emotional pain #doctornineandthreequarters #cal writes #callie writes #911

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echoghost1 · 3 years ago

Text

Ectober Day 03 - Cryptid

Summary: Vlad wakes up in pain and in the dark. He is not alone.

Word count: 2,393

This is part of my Carnival Mythika AU verse, but you don't need to have read that to enjoy this (hopefully)

Also TW: A character is part-spider

and TW for Body horror of finding out that they are no longer human

And if I need to add more warnings please just let me know and I will totally add them!

I spent like all day today (10/3) working on this fic 😩 I hope at least one person like it

Anywho, you can also read it below the cut if you prefer

Vlad opened his eyes and immediately shut them again. His head was pounding and everything hurt.

Worse still was he didn’t remember falling asleep.

He took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes. It was hard to tell where he was because it was so dark, but also it looked like he was looking at the world through a kaleidoscope.

He felt his face just to be sure he didn’t have weird goggles or something attached to his face. He didn’t, but something was definitely different.

He had more eyes.

“What?” he cut off his own question because his teeth hurt. He hadn’t really noticed until he moved his mouth to speak.

He gently reached past his lips and felt his canines much sooner than he used to be able to.

Fangs?

What was he?

He couldn’t be human. Not anymore.

How did he even get here? Where was here?

Why was it so cold?

He hugged himself only to find his shirt had gone missing. No wonder he was freezing.

It was getting too late in the year to be running around without a shirt on. Not that he did much of that outside of swimming.

He knew he hadn’t been swimming today.

What had he been doing again?

That’s right, the circus had come to town.

He’d gone with his two friends. He had meant to just invite Maddie, but Jack was right there.

So the attempted date turned into a friendly hangout instead.

Jack was like a brother to him, so he didn’t want to be rude, but really wished Jack understood subtext a little better.

It wasn’t all bad though. He figured if he could just get some alone time with her, he could ask her out then.

Unfortunately, he never got the chance.

Not that it mattered anymore. He could never bear to let her see him like this.

If he merely had fangs he might be able to hide that, but the extra eyes? He must look like a monster. A freak.

No, it would be better if she never knew.

His body shook from the cold and the hard truth that nothing would ever be the same.

Something in the corner of the room got his full attention.

All this self-pity and he never bother to check if he was actually alone or not.

It was too dark to see what was there, but he knew he saw something move.

Whatever it was, it went still again.

Could it see him?

He hadn’t made any noise when he looked.

Or maybe it was because he hadn’t made a sound. Going quiet might have been as much of a tip-off as making too much noise.

It moved again and he backed away.

Tried to anyway.

His legs flared up in pain and he bit his lip to keep from crying out.

His newly sharpened teeth easily broke the flesh of his thin lips and the warm blood flooded his senses.

It was delicious.

He spat out his own blood in horror of his own thoughts.

“Oh geez, you’re bleeding. Are you okay? No that was a dumb question, sorry.”

Vlad turned his attention back to the other in the room. It could speak English okay, but it definitely wasn’t person-shaped.

It was too tall and had extra parts.

Vlad wasn’t sure if he was able to see it better because it was closer or if his eyes had finally adjusted to the darkness.

He wasn’t sure he liked being able to see it.

It reached out for him but since he couldn’t move without hurting himself he just braced himself for what was to come.

Only nothing bad happened.

“You’re freezing! Come here,” the being pulled Vlad into a hug, its long arms easily wrapped around his skinny body. Its clawed hand rubbed his back soothingly, but never scratched him, “there, there.”

The relief was instant. Vlad practically melted into the body heat of the other. Whatever this thing was, it was warm.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come over sooner. I thought you were shaking because you were scared of me.”

“I think I’m more scared of myself right now,” Vlad admitted as he carefully felt the areas of the creature he was currently clinging to for warmth.

Every part he could reach seemed to be covered in a soft short fur. It reminded him of a petting zoo and he wasn’t quite sure why.

“That’s right, this is all new for you,” it said as its warm breath ghosting across the top of his head.

He just hummed in agreement.

Then he started to feel bad for never asking for this friendly creature’s name. He may as well change that now.

“I’m Vlad by the way,” he introduced without moving from his current incredibly comfortable position.

“Hello, Vlad,” it replied.

And then proceeded to not say anything else.

Vlad leaned back so he could look them in the eye and he could see their reaction, “This is the part where you say you’re name?”

“Oh? Sorry, I’ve never done this before.”

“You’ve never introduced yourself before?”

“No.”

While Vlad was busy trying to understand how that had happened, because it was obvious that they weren’t lying, they kept talking.

“How do you get a name anyway?”

“From you’re parents, usually?” Vlad answered unable to keep the waver of confusion out of his voice.

He had a feeling that this was only going to get worse.

“That makes sense. I don’t have those.”

Yup, that was worse. That was so much worse.

And to be that caviler about not having parents means that they must have lost them when they were so young. Maybe even as a baby.

“How long have you been here? Where even is here?” Vlad asked looking around the dark metal room they were in.

“The train,” they answered.

Vlad wasn’t sure if they were ignoring the first question or simply forgot about it. Jack did that whenever he got asked too many questions at once.

“Who’s train is it?”

“It’s the Master’s train.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the next festival. Until it gets too cold and then we go to the Winter Place.”

“Winter Place?”

“Yeah, it’s all sandy and there’s a show every day.”

“A show?”

Now that he was really looking, maybe he had seen them before.

Before Vlad thought of stepping into that fortune teller’s booth to get advice on something that meant nothing now.

Before he had grown fangs and extra eyes.

Before his body had gotten so heavy and his center of gravity had moved.

Before all that, he had gone to the show at the circus.

There was a part where they dimmed all the lights real low and rolled a large box into the center ring. It was tall and narrow, like those crates that were in classic monster movies where there’s an ancient relic being shipped to an unsuspecting museum.

After plenty of pomp and circumstance, the box fell apart to reveal a creature.

It was almost human but not. It was too tall and had extra parts.

The ringmaster told them all it was evil. A monster. Something to hate.

Something to take their anger out on.

He had encouraged everyone to yell at it. To boo the creature. To shout their frustrations at it.

Vlad had participated.

He had screamed awful things because he knew it would be drowned out by the crowd.

He had been so cruel.

This creature wasn’t evil.

He wondered if it had ever done anything wrong at all.

“You’re the Jersey Devil, aren’t you?”

“You went to the show?”

“Yes.”

Perhaps this was punishment for all the awful things he’d done.

Vlad knew he wasn’t a very good person. Even if he never outright did bad things on purpose, it didn’t take much convincing to get him to do them.

“Sorry I didn’t notice,” The Jersey Devil apologized, “The lights are really bright, so it’s hard to really see into the crowds.”

“It’s alright. There were a lot of people. Doubt you would have recognized me anyway.”

“That’s true. You probably looked different before.”

“Speaking of that,” Vlad carefully segued, “what do I look like now?”

“You’ve got red eyes like me. Except you have more than I do.”

“How many do I have?”

Then, just as a child might, The Jersey Devil counted his eyes, one by one. The first two were Vlad’s original eyes, just in the same spot they had always been. Then on either side were three more.

No wonder he felt like he had been looking through a kaleidoscope. In a way, he was.

“Your skin is pale, like your hands, but only until your waist. Everything below that is dark and hairy like the top of your head.”

Vlad just nodded along at the news. He had a feeling that even if his friends or family could see him now that they wouldn’t even recognize him at all.

“Can you stand? I want to count your legs.”

Vlad decided to just do it and not think too hard about it.

He wobbled a bit at first, but The Jersey Devil held him upright.

“Oh hey! You have the same number of legs as you do eyes!”

“I have eight legs?”

“Yup!”

What sort of creature has eight eyes and eight legs? Eight hairy legs.

“Spider.”

“What?” The Jersey Devil asked.

“I’m a spider?”

“Do you not like spiders?”

“It’s not about liking spiders! I don’t really care one way or the other! I didn’t want to be one!”

The Jersey Devil backed away from Vlad during his outburst and if it wasn’t for the fact that it was twice his size, he would have sworn it was cowering away from him.

No. They were afraid of him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.” Vlad sat back down and could already feel the cool steel of the train leech away what little warmth he had retained from being close to The Jersey Devil. “This isn’t your fault. You’re a victim just as much as I am.”

The two sat side by side in silence while Vlad tried to rain his temper back in.

As they sat there Vlad couldn’t help but wonder just how long The Jersey Devil had been trapped here. How long had it been since they had been human? Did they even remember it?

“Where did you live before all this?”

“Before?”

“Yeah, before they took you away and made you be a part of their horror show.”

“I,” The Jersey Devil hesitated, “I don’t think there was a before.”

“What about before they changed you?”

“No one changed me, I’ve always been this way. All I did was get bigger.” The Jersey Devil smiled and flexed its wings for emphasis.

Vlad wasn’t sure how he missed the large leathery wings before, so he did his best not to react.

Instead, he asked his next question, “Do you mean to say that you were born like this? You were never human?”

“Yes.”

Vlad had a feeling The Jersey Devil wouldn’t actually know the answer to this but he asked anyway, “How old are you?”

They shrugged, “I don’t know exactly. I never had a birthday so I’m not quite sure how to keep track of it.”

“You go to the Winter Place once a year, right? Every winter?”

“Yeah, why?”

“How many times have you been there?”

“Oh, lots of times.”

“Can you take a guess at how many?”

“It’s more times than I have fingers.”

“You’ve been there more than ten times?”

That was a lot.

“All I know for sure is that I’ve had three masters.”

“Three?”

“Yeah. The first Master always reminded me that if he hadn’t found me in the woods when he did I would have died. I don’t really remember the forest, but I was very little then. I could hardly flap my wings let alone stand.”

The Jersey Devil seemed lost in thought for a moment before it continued.

“Then there was my Mistress. She’s the one who taught me to speak. She was the kindest person I ever met. I watched her grow up and have a child of her own.”

They were a little more nostalgic about her than Vlad thought she deserved. If she was truly kind, wouldn’t she have given them a name? Or set them free?

“And now I’m on Master number three. He’s got a son of his own now so he’ll probably be the next Master.”

Vlad had to take a moment to think about what The Jersey Devil had just gone over. It sounded like they had outlived at least one person’s entire life? And if that was true they were a lot older than he had previously thought.

“You really need a name.”

When The Jersey Devil merely blinked in response Vlad continued. “We’re going to come up with a name for you. Right now.”

“We are!?”

“Yes. What kind of name do you want?”

“What kind can I have?”

Oh boy.

“Do you want a long one or a short one?”

“Short, so it’s easy for me to remember it.”

“Okay. Do you want it to start with any particular letter?”

“D? Or maybe J?”

Vlad listed off as many names as he could think of but none of them seemed quite right.

“Jude! That’s got a J and a D in it.”

“Jude?” The Jersey Devil took a few moments quietly repeating the name.

They did this every once in a while to test the names out but seemed to be doing it more with this one.

“Hey Jude?” Vlad said partly as a joke in reference to the classic song.

The Jersey Devil perked up in response.

The pair were equally surprised by that outcome.

“That’s it! It’s perfect! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” The Jersey Devil, no, Jude, said as they wrapped Vlad up in a big hug using both their arms and wings to fully engulf the pair. “Jude! Jude! My name is Jude!”

The reason Vlad ended up here might not have been anything he would have ever wanted, but he was glad at least he could make someone else feel better for once.

Maybe it wouldn’t be all bad here after all.

#Ectoberhaunt 2021 #Prompt Cryptid #carnival mythika #phan fic #danny phantom #Vlad Masters #teen vlad #the jersey devil #tw: spiders #tw: body horror

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letsjustkeepitbetweenyouandi · 4 years ago

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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Buddie Recs For You

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Don't Take My Sunshine Away

Eddie is in a coma, and Buck blames himself. He should've been there to protect Eddie. The least he can do now is to be there for Christopher, even if Buck doesn't know if he has it in him to be a parent without Eddie. Buck makes Eddie a deal: he'll fight for Christopher in the real world, while Eddie fights to wake up.

Eddie's come a long way since those bleak days in El Paso, listening to his parents comments about how he's not fit to be a father. How Christopher doesn't deserve to be dragged down by the likes of Eddie and Shannon. Eddie thought after moving to LA, he and Chris had escaped that. When he wakes up and finds Buck neck-deep in a legal battle with his parents for custody of Christopher, Eddie must face his own mistakes, and find the confidence to stand up for himself against his absolute worst nightmare.

113k - 21/21 Chapters

Leading with the Left

When Buck said he was a "bartender" in "South America" what he actually meant was "stripper" in "Mexico."

And when Eddie said, "What's your problem?" what he actually meant was, "Is this about the time you gave me a lap dance?"

In other words, there's a few things the 118 doesn't know about Buck. Or Eddie. Or Buck and Eddie's relationship.

84k - 18/18 Chapters

Six Different Ways To Mark Your Territory

Or "5 times Eddie was a possessive bastard, and Buck (being the oblivious puppy he is) didn't notice. And the one time he couldn’t help but notice."

5k - 6/6 Chapters

Tread Lightly

Healing after a truck bombing, breakup, pulmonary embolism, tsunami and lawsuit is a slow process when you're afraid to talk to your team when it feels like the world is crumbling in on you. Finding your way out of the crippling darkness is a lonely process when you're afraid you'll get benched again for something beyond your control. Learning to love again is a terrifying process when you're not sure your best friend will ever truly forgive you.

151k - 36/36 Chapters

Accidental

It was an accident. He slipped. That doesn't mean he isn't going to take advantage of the opportunity that presents itself.

---- Post Lawsuit, Buck accidentally cuts his arm. He decides that maybe not getting help is best for everyone.

--- TW for suicidal idealization and injury that turns into a suicide attempt.

36k - 14/14 Chapters

Left Unsaid

A woman shows up at the station with a picture of Buck on her phone.

It goes better than last time.

The discovery of a small facebook group full of tsunami survivors rocks station 118.

33k - 7/7 Chapters

If The World Was Ending

Eddie doesn't realise how badly he's destroyed his friendship with Buck until his former partner has swapped stations, changed phone numbers, and moved homes without warning. It's nearly impossible to track Buck down and it's clear that Chris is suffering too. After Eddie is injured on the job, he has to start piecing together the broken pieces of who he is with the help of family and friends. Under those sorts of circumstances, a chance to repair his fragile friendship with Buck might be possible - but it won't be easy when Buck has a new boyfriend.

121k - 25/25 Chapters

Commentary: Right, I've read this one before, and I have conflicted feelings about it... the writing is really good, but well, they deal with Eddie getting amnesia, and there's not a real resolution of him getting al of his memories back, only some of them. Now, for me, that didn't really work out just as I wanted it, but I still liked the story, and like it's written really well with good character driven story and whatnot... So yeah, read at own risk

a leaf falls on loneliness

Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that.

But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”

—you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting—

So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.

11k - 1/1 Chapters

The Space Between Sleep

It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.

But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.

38k - 11/11 Chapters

Reaching In The Dark

It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.

But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.

38k - 11/11 Chapters

Commentary: Okay, so, I think I've read this one before... and I can't remember if it's like quality or what it is... but imma leave it for you to figure out, cause there's a lot of other ones that I wanna read for you to make sure they're good, so... read at own risk!

I'll Be Your Arms, I'll Be Your Steady Satellite

Buck couldn’t believe how quickly the day had turned. When he had been thinking about what came next, this hadn’t been what he expected.

--- The 118 takes a call that changes everything, turning Buck's world upside down and pushing his life in a new direction.

54k - 25/25 Chapters

Commentary: So, this was the one where he had a kid, and like, man, dad!buck was a thing I didn’t know I needed that much, but apparently I did, cause man I love it so much! Also, now I really wanna read more dad!buck kid!fic’s, preferably where like Buddie is together, and they want another kid, and so they decide to do surrogacy with Buck this time, and like, have most of what happens in this fic happen, but with some additions to it that I wished they added, with there being more Christopher being a big brother... anyhow, read it! It’s very good and adorable!!!

Like We Never Loved At All

Prompt: The lawsuit is all a front to protect the team but they don’t know so they treat Buck harshly. Buck bares all of it until Eddie or Bobby just breaks whatever hope he has left. By the time the truth comes out Buck is gone. Fast forward to a year or more later Eddie and Christopher are out with the team when Chris sees Buck. He’s got longer hair and cold eyes but most importantly he’s pushing a baby carriage with twin babies. He’s loving to Chris but frosty towards the team. What happened

22k - 6/6 Chapters

Commentary: Right, read it, and like it’s good, but the writer said herself that she was thinking of continuing it (But she has yet to do so) so though it has an ending to it, it’s not really a resolved one... more like a very very open-ended one... So again, read at your own risk.

Of Bikes and Concussions

Buck gets into an accident on his way to work in the morning, and before he can explain why he's late, he gets thoroughly chewed out and the rest of his day goes way downhill from there.

7k - 1/1 Chapters

Mistletoe

After Buck grabbed the mistletoe and kissed Hen, he decided he wouldn't stop there. After making the rounds, he reaches Eddie, and nothing is ever so easy with that man.

9k - 5/5 Chapters

Rewrite the Stars

Buck is struggling with nightmares weeks after he has returned to work after the tsunami. He is struggling to sleep, and distancing himself from everyone-- most of all, Eddie.

39k - 19/19 Chapters

Bury Your Dead

If you had asked Edward Buckley to describe his parenting style, he would’ve told you that he was a “disciplinarian.”

28k - 13/13

Commentary: Stumbled upon this one, and I’m pretty sure I’ve read it before, it sounds familiar, and as far as I can remember it was rather good!

it’s okay

Finally back with the team, Buck isn’t going to let anything tear him away again. He has to prove his place, his part in the family, even if that means smiling through the pain.

Or, Buck gets hurt on a call and doesn’t tell anyone.

11k - 1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Oh, it has a lot of angst and it will warm your heart!

Broken Silence

combined prompts asking for quiet Buck trying to stay out of everyone's way after the lawsuit--he and Maddie get hurt but he thinks they won't care, because of how they've been treating him lately, so he doesn't say anything, but does request time off, and then comfort ensues!

2k - 1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Listen, I know that it’s shorter than what you usually read, but man, it’s so heartbreaking and gooooooood

Comfort of Strangers

"I don't want anyone else to have your heart, kiss your lips or be in your arms. Because that's my place."

Buck and Eddie grow closer, one kiss at a time.

15k - 15/15 Chapters

5+1 Times People Call Them a Family

5 times someone points out that Eddie, Buck, and Christopher make an adorable family and 1 time where they say they are family.

4k - 6/6 Chapters

Stay

Buck’s voice was soft and hesitant, but full of patience when he finally spoke again. “Did I do something to upset you, Chris? I can leave—”

“No!” Chris whirled on him, a complete shift from the standoffish vibe he had been giving a second ago. The tears he bravely held back finally broke free from his eyes, sliding down his rosy cheeks from behind his glasses. He shook his head vehemently, the yellow crayon falling to the table. “No, I’m not mad. Please…” His words turned to whimpers, his lip trembling. “Please don’t leave me too.”

31k - 10/10 Chapters

Commentary: This was the one I linked you too on messenger. It has like a minor supernatural element to it, that they don’t warn you about, cause it’ll like spoil it, but it should not make you shy away from it, because it’s a thing that makes the story fits so well together and makes it so heartbreaking and good! So yeah, check it out, and be prepared for the angst!

All Bets are Off

"Enough!" Bobby sighed, he pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously exhausted. "Alright, I'm gonna need everyone to be completely straight with each other from here on out. No more fighting. Okay?"

Hen rolled her eyes but nodded. "Okay Cap."

"I'm always straight." Eddie called defensively.

Bobby's mouth opened to respond when they heard a strangled chain of coughing behind them. When they turned, they saw Chimney, choking on a bagel.

"Oh man…" Chimney coaxed through his wheezing. "That's the biggest lie you ever told."

Or, the five times the firefam realized Buck and Eddie were in love, and the one-time Eddie finally did something about it.

35k - 6/6 Chapters

Commentary: So it’s a 5+1, but it’s a lengthier one than the other one, and it’s so good! It’ll both satisfy your buddie need, but also your Bobby being a father to Buck need!! And like a lot of other good stuff, so yeah, should definitely give this a go

you working?

a request for some jealous!Eddie

Summer is winding down and the 118 is out for one last event at the local park before kids are back at school. Buck attracts attention, Eddie glares at the world, and Hen is honestly having a blast.

4k - 1/1 Chapters

Commentary: In reality, it’s a part of a series that’s 18k words long, but like 10k of it is a lot of smut, and like some of it’s plot driven, other very much isn’t, and then like the last part is an engagement one, so like, if you’re prepared for the smut, then sure, otherwise, you could just enjoy the first part of it, with a very adorable jealous Eddie Diaz

am I coming out of left field?

5 times it was obvious to literally everyone that Buck and Eddie are in love, and the one (first) time Eddie actually admits it.

3k - 1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Short, but cute, though the last part could be better

Can't Stay Away

“Long story short, your kid is too damn smart," Buck began. "Seriously, Eddie, maybe you need to pull him out of that fancy school and send him back to public school. Dumb him down a bit so he’s easier to handle.”

Buck’s words became so tangled in his anxiety that he couldn’t really process what he was saying. “What the hell are you talking about? Is Chris okay? Is he in trouble?”

“He’s fine. Safe and sound, happy as a clam, but I’d say he is definitely in trouble.”

...

In which Eddie's parents hate Buck, and Christopher is too damn clever.

6k - 1/1 Chapters

Commentary: Oh this is a good one... Like, proper whump and Christopher being the captain of our ship!

There It All Is (What's Always Been Mine)

“You alright Buckaroo?” Hen asked and Buck shrugged. “You’re not worried about hosting this sleepover, are you?”

“I just don’t want to screw this up,” Buck said. “Like, I’m the one who’s not a parent here. Am I really qualified to be in charge of three kids?”

---

Or, when a sleepover becomes the sight of a dangerous emergency, Buck learns what his friends and family knew all along; he’ll do anything for the people he cares about.

8k - 1/1 Chapters

Commentary: I said I wanted Buck with kids, and I got it. Basically, it’s cute, and I luv buck with kids, and this is a good one.

TO ADD MORE

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A Dive Into My Bookmarks

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light me and i'll burn for you

In which an old friend of Buck's joins the 118, and Eddie does not like him. At all.

31k - 3/3 Chapters

all the stones and kings of old

Edmundo Diaz, King of Calder, does not want a husband.

He had a wife, he has a son. He doesn’t need anyone to try and fill the void in his life Shannon left when she died—he is perfectly content with an empty bed, with Bobby and Athena advising him, with household staff taking care of Christopher when he can’t.

But. Apparently he doesn’t have a choice in the matter.

(Theirs is not an auspicious start.)

36k - 14/14 Chapters

Commentary: So this is the AU that I talked about, with it being medieval, and like, something out of Merlin, only I don't really think there's magic in it... i can't remember if there is... So I don't think there is. Anyhow, it's pretty good!

Everybody Knows

The five times someone assumed they're together, and Eddie had to correct them, and the one time it happened and he didn't have to.

14k - 1/1 Chapters

You square all the corners, I straighten the curves

Five times Buck and Eddie pretend they're dating (and one time they don't)

11k - 1/1 Chapters

The things we lost in the fire

Commentary: Now, this is a two part story, I'll add the summary for both parts.

Part 1:

Evan Buckley left his past behind when he left home for good at age 19. But an unexpected phone call on a quiet shift disrupts the life he's built for himself: forcing him to confront his past in order to build a new future.

Part 2:

It was fall at the 118. That was supposed to mean pumpkin spice lattes, Athena’s world-famous pumpkin pie, and the yearly tradition of getting bullied by children at the annual firehouse trick-or-treating.

Instead, it was a disastrous cornucopia of Maddie’s pregnancy, the Buckley parents visiting, and a sexuality crisis for good measure.

Oh, and?

It was wildfire season.

204k - Part1: 10/10 - Part 2: 22/22

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The Ones I Need To Read First

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waiting on the sunrise

When Buck left home, it was a rushed decision. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he had a high school diploma and enough street smarts to make it as far from his father as possible.

It's been nearly ten years since then, and now his father is in town. Buck quickly learns that some things haven't changed. But other things have, and his family will help him realize that.

28k - 10/10 Chapters

Two Weeks Noticed

With Christopher away at camp, Eddie finally has a chance to catch his breath after the hellish year he's had. Meanwhile Buck is still reeling from the sudden reappearance of Abby. On a routine night of movies and pizza, Eddie and Buck discuss some feelings and stumble into something that may just take some time to figure out. Good thing they have two weeks to get a handle on it.

148k - 15/15 Chapters

I Hit the Accelerator (But the Car was in Reverse)

When Buck is forced to confront the truth about his breakup with Abby, having casual sex with his hot new coworker seems like the best rebound idea.

Unfortunately, that hot new coworker turns into his best friend. But best friends can keep having sex with each other, right?

There's no way this could possibly go wrong.

68k - 15/15 Chapters

the weekly bet (but the forever kind)

When the squad bets on how long it will take for Buck and Abby to get back together when she comes back to LA, Eddie is forced to reconsider keeping his feelings for Buck a secret. “Thanks,” Eddie mumbles, hiding his face deep in his pillow, even if Buck can’t see him in the dark. “What for?” Leave it to Buck to be confused about something so obvious. “Being you, idiot.” “And again with the name calling,” he answers, content and sleepy. Nights like this, Eddie feels like asking for a miracle. But to the team, it wasn’t a matter of if Abby would take him back, but when. A matter of days.

49k - 9/9 Chapters

Guess We'll Just Have to Adjust

No, Buck does not have a damn crush on Eddie fucking Diaz. No, Buck is not thinking about Eddie's stupid smile or his stupid hair or that obscene sound he made when he pushed the couch the way he did.

Having a crush would be weird. And dumb. And the last thing Buck needs in his already fucked up life.

36k - 12/12 Chapters

Speak Now

Fake Dating AU idea from a tumblr post that got out of hand the minute I started writing.

Eddie lies to Shannon about being in a serious relationship when she wants to re-enter his and Christopher's lives, and of course the person he asks to be his pretend significant other is none other than Evan Buckley, because what are bros for?

25k - 3/3 Chapters

Pack a Bag, Say Goodbye

It wasn’t the first time he felt unwanted. In fact, it was an all too familiar feeling. But the last time he felt this way, he had left. Run off to South America and wherever else he could find himself. But the one thing that had helped him stop feeling lost, the place where he had found himself, had been ripped away from him.

So, why was he still there? What was the point in sticking around? ---

After the lawsuit, Buck is struggling when he realizes how unwanted he is at work. When he makes the decision to leave, how will everyone react? And to what lengths will they go to get Buck back?

61k - 30/30 Chapters

According To You

“He’s gonna’ be fine, they did scans, they said it’s just a scratch--”

“Just a scratch?” Eddie blinks incredulously. “‘Just a scratch’ doesn’t require stitches Evan! God, how could you be so irresponsible?! How the hell were you not watching him at the park?! How could you let him get all the way across the street without you?!”

5k - 2/2 Chapters

When it comes to an end (I will want you to plea)

After the lawsuit, Buck and Eddie are casually sleeping together. Eddie tells himself it doesn't mean anything more than that. An unexpected incident at work brings up something Buck thought he'd long buried behind him and makes Eddie re-evaluate his feelings for his best friend.

26k - 8/8 Chapters

Protector

He didn’t know who he could contact.

Even though it had been months since he had returned to work, there was still an awkwardness that could not be cleansed. There had been a chill at the start, he had been confined to the station, knowing that his decision to reveal personal information to his lawyer had truly been a mistake. Eventually, the team went back to how they once were in the field, working together to save lives without hesitation. They would share meals, the comradery slowly showing once more.

Outside of work, Buck felt alone.

21k - 10/10 Chapters

Helping Hands

Everyone wants Buck to heal from the past year, and they think getting laid will help him. Buck doesn't want to revert back to Buck 1.0, but he also doesn't want his friends to worry about him. So Buck enlists the help of his best friend Eddie in fooling his friends.

55k - 9/9 Chapters

Next To Me

Buck and Eddie started off in different places but eventually they ended up in the same. Eventually, they ended up in love.

Told from Buck and Eddie’s perspectives, a canon-compliant take on Buddie and how they could realistically get together.

Buck had never had a friend like Eddie before. Someone that burrowed under his skin and wrapped around him and became a part of him — like an extra limb, someone he couldn’t do without.

He loved him. Eddie loved him. Eddie was in love with him. With Buck. With his best friend. But it didn’t matter…loving him meant that the only thing that mattered was being able to keep him in any possible way even if that meant that Eddie could never tell him.

93k - 17/17 Chapters

burn 'em up and scatter their remains

A serial killer taunts L.A., targeting first responders. Fear creates tension among the 118, at the station and outside of it, but they’re going to need to come together stronger than ever to survive this.

50k - 25/25 Chapters

Eddie's Not-So-Secret Feelings

5 times Eddie says sweet things about Buck in Spanish so Buck doesn't find out he's in love with him +1 time Eddie realises Buck speaks Spanish and knew all along With special guest stars: Eddie's entire family

17k - 6/6 Chapters

More Than You Know

Eddie's forgiven Buck, and things are back to normal between them. By normal, we of course mean they are in love with each other but haven't confessed to anyone yet. After a bad call, Buck goes over to Eddie's to keep him some company. Except Eddie isn't home. And when Eddie does arrive, he bruised and bloody.

44k - 17/17 Chapters

a christmas miracle

The 118 are discussing their plans for the holidays, but Eddie's plan has Buck reeling with hurt.

38k - 4/4 Chapters

i think i might've inhaled you

How do you tell your best friend that you're actually in love with them? If you're Evan Buckley, you don't.

25k - 2/2 Chapters

You're Standing Here Beside Me

In the beginning, May doesn’t know much about Evan “Buck” Buckley.

Also known as my 1 + 5 + 1 Buck & May sibling fic or "1 time May finds out she has a big brother, 5 times Buck and May are totally siblings and 1 time May and Buck spend time with the rest of their family.

14k - 1/1 Chapters

The 118 Quarantine Chronicles

A look at the 118 during Quarantine. Featuring cooking competitions, tirades against math, parades, idiot boys in love, prank wars, and happiness.

16k - 11/11 Chapters

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger...Right?

Behind the Scenes: What we didn't and should've seen when the screen went black.

Four Times we could've seen so much more Buck Whump, Eddie caring and 118 protectiveness and one time it could've been a lot worse.

11k - 1/1 Chapters

Now when do I start to feel again?

Buck's first call back with the team doesn't go as well as Bobby and Eddie hoped. It leads to Eddie having to make a tough decision. A decision that only gets made after a very emotional day.

Buddie fic, pre-slash, 3x06 Coda, Bobby is clearly not only Buck's emergency contact but also his dad. Re-edited for typos 11/11/19

11k - 2/2 Chapters

Nothing to Lose

A simple trip trip to the bank ends badly when the robbery crew takes a firefighter with them.

Will his family and friends be able to find him before it's late. Will he realise everything he has and fight to get back to them.

Buck always needs to be the hero, even if he doesn't think he is.

Pre-Buddie because I am absolutely not confident writing how that would even unfold. There are hints of it of course because that's basically canon.

15k - 10/10

now that it's over (and i'm sober)

Eddie felt like he was going to choke on his own tongue.

It was a wildly inappropriate thought, given that they really were trying to rescue this girl from a fly-away hot air balloon, running at it with all the speed their legs could muster.

Even digging his heels into the ground and wrapping his hands tightly around one of the drop lines couldn’t stop him from staring slack-jawed at his best friend.

13k - 1/1 Chapters

and the winner is......

When Maddie convinces Buck to join her and the rest of the couples of the 118 on a couples game-show with Eddie as his partner, he does so hesitantly, if only because he knows that by the end of it -- the rest of the team will realize he and Eddie are way more than best friends.

18k - 1/1 Chapters

Drift Away

“You’re getting a call tomorrow from the Chief. You’re being reinstated to active duty. The city gave me the option of transferring you to a different station...I declined.”

“You won’t regret it”

“You might”

He did

18k - 3/3 Chapters

2 notes · View notes

tyrus-muffins · 6 years ago

Text

we goin✈️ soft hours

im CRYING SO HARD RN IM JDJDJD thIS TOOK ME A WHOLE ASS HOUR TO WRITE IM SOBBIFJFJF

ok first of all i love every one of you following me sO FRICKING MUCH!! thank you sm for putting up with my crackt posts and thANK YO U TO EVERYONE READING LOVING IS EASY LIKE DJSLDJDDJF i love yall so much wHEW 😔💕

ok lets go🤠✨

@cyrusthegoodman Hanneh, ur literally like the greatest friend like since my first day in the server it’s honestly wild to me that i found someone as crackt as mE HAHDHD like all the nights we’ve stayed up screaming lyrics to like the be s t songs and like late night emo hours like im just so happy we’re friends and i cant wait to start the new year right by screaming only fire at 12am HAHSHSH

halie outsold😌✨ ILYSMMM

@tjthekippen Maddie ILYSMMM ur sO FRICKING GREAT AND YOUR WRITING IS SO GOOD IM CRYINBGN im so happy we met and like ignfbdn i love yelling about muffy and making crackt canon theories about marTY’S RETURN DJDJD greed stays skinniieee!

@you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus THEO!! your fics are so soft i c r t y y y. y and im so excitwd to see where Cyrus’ Dictionary goes its so GOOD AND IM JSUTIGJF you were literally one of the first blogs i liked before i even made my AM blog like😭✌️ you’re such a great person and friend and ilysmmm you deserve the fricking world💕 ilysmmm

@cantstopcryingg rACHELLVJEJDJD you’re so fricking iconic and i’ll never forget that one night past midnight like i think it was only a couple days after i joined the server, you me and hanneh were wiLDING for h o u r s iKDJDJDJD creckheeds stay skinny✨

im just gon leave this here

ILYSM RACHELLLL HAPPY NEW YEARRR

@supremestoverlord tika ur sO amazing and iconic KDJD i cant wait for you to get further in the fosters and see your reactions to some of the stuff HAHBDDV HAPPY NEW YEAR ILYSMMMM

@kingtarty lauren thank you for putting up with my crackhead personality i 😔🙏 im getting so close to the end of the fosters im gonna yELLLL if stinkie brandon breathes one more time😤👊 KDJDDN no but rly thank you for being such a great friend and yelling at me to sleep at like 3am KSKSKS ilysmmm

@kittysrllygreetart FATIMAJFJSS UR SO ICONIC ILYSM i love ur art sO FRICKIGGN MUCH LIKE UR SO TALENTED C RNT Y YY (fun fact: two trucks started playing when i was writing this and i yeLLEDKDJD)

@ramenbyler OK LIEK HELLO SKINNY LEGEND HAJDHDJD ilysm and your edits are so GODTIER LIKE H EL L O and you’re so funny likENADJDJD but anyway susan from planned parenthood outsold wbk!!

@bandi-mack ANNABELLEEE we dont talk much but i L O. V E YOUR ART AND OFMJF YOU’rE SO TALENTED LIKE GOSH IM JSJDH the iconism leaped out!

i know i probably forgot to add some people but i love you all so fricking much!! thank you so much for making my 2018 so amazing. idk where i would be if it wasnt for this fandom. I’m so thankful for the show like not only is it iconic and covers so many important topics but i wouldnt have any of you guys if it wasnt for this show and im just 😭💕💕💕💕 i hope you all have an amazing 2019!!

goodbye, 20gayteen!

hello 20biteen! 😌✨

#ily all sm im critjgjfnf #also tyrus canon in 2019 i f e e l it👁#happy new year!!!#2019

31 notes · View notes

ruinsrebuilt · 8 years ago

Text

What I’m Reading - Week 8

sorry this is like two weeks late guys! the trouble with my ears had completely unmotivated me, but I finally said ENOUGH. at least I've been reading fics here and there so this week’s post is a bit longer (yay for fic recs!)

An Honest Man by @warriorgays

author summary: "Ask him to dance, doc."

word count: 2,435

my thoughts: Roe/Toye is one of my all time favorite rare pairs, so to see it written so beautifully is an absolute GIFT. post-canon / canon compliant, and very true to the characters, I adore this fic.

hello (i’m here, i’m waiting) by @mjolll

author summary: “Go on,” Gene finds himself saying, ducking his head, “we got this, trooper.”

“At least let me help you get this back to the med tent, Doc.”

Spina shrugs, “suit yourself, Chuck.”

word count: 559

my thoughts: ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAV RAREPAIRS. I may be one of the only ones on this ship, but I will go down with, I swear. this is one of those drabbles that I wish I could have abut 50,000 more words of.

I need you though by @gendryw4ters

author summary: "I’m… I’m going, George.” Luz doesn’t look up from his cereal. He’d known this day was coming, had known it since they’d first- well, not since they’d first met, but since they’d first gotten together, at least. The fact that he’d even convinced Ron Speirs to move in with him in the first place had been a minor miracle in itself.

word count: 943

my thoughts: this rare pair isn't one thats blatantly obvious but you know what? it’s golden. as proven by my lovely mind twin, with this brilliant drabble. starts out sad but trust me, the ending is worth it.

With Naps Like These by @aces-low

author summary: Luz and Joe become napping buddies. It's surprisingly more complicated than it oughta be.

word count: 8,335

my thoughts: napping and fluff and luztoye. can you say heaven?? I adore this so much, especially the ending. there is a little bit of angst but you know what? worth it.

Not Asked But Answered by Perpetual Motion

author summary: Lip asks for nothing but does everything, and George is a little in love.

word count: 1,221

my thoughts: this fic is achingly sweet, just like this pairing. the whole thing beautifully written - I love how George is reflecting on how dedicated and caring Lip is. he deserves to be recognized. my heart is full :’)

Way With Words by @donsmalarkey

author summary: Four times Luz flirts with Lip and one time Lip flirts back.

word count: 5,588

my thoughts: THIS IS SO SOFT AND CUTE AND ADORABLE AND FLIRTY AND GODDAMNIT MY FEELS. I’m so glad this fic exists, and if you even vaguely like this pairing, ya gotta read this.

Everything’s Alright, Yes, Everything’s Fine by @ralphspina

author summary: "And we want you to sleep well tonight, let the world turn without you tonight," or: Carwood finally takes a damn nap in a damn bed.

word count: 475

my thoughts: I was begging for luz/lip content and guess who came down from the heavens to hand me this perfection?? MADDIE. IT WAS MADDIE AND I LOVE IT.

Counting backwards by @jim-bones-spock

author summary: "He was now almost arrived. If George wanted, he could walk three steps and grab at Lipton’s coat, could pull him to safety. But Lip had ordered him not to move. George was still on his knees, shaking and breathing hard, counting the second still, just like he was keeping record to the most sadistic and stressful run ever. It was killing him."

word count: 1,227

my thoughts: another result of my pitiful begging for luz/lip content and you know what? I REGRET NOTHING BECAUSE THIS IS FRIGGEN AWESOME. such a tender moment, I swear to god, I just wanna hugs them both.

A Close Call by luluren

author summary: Nixon always seems to find him.

word count: 11,607

my thoughts: I was introduced to Nix/Roe a while back, but only just now have I really started to explore them, and boy I gotta tell ya, this fic is so well written that even though I went into it unsure, I walked out completely sold.

Here By Myself (A New Color to Paint the World) by @ralphspina

author summary: When the class clown and the emotional caretaker of Easy Company take stock after Bois Jacques, it's surprisingly easy for them to smile thanks to the good company.

word count: 1,202

my thoughts: you guys have no idea how long I have waited for the convent scene told from the perspective of luz/lip. and you have no idea how loud I screamed when Maddie wrote it. and you definitely have no idea how amazing it is, but trust me. it is perfection.

Heat Jump by @alyseofwonderland

author summary: The Army has the following rules about having a sexual relationship while deployed: 1. Please, pretty please with sprinkles on top, don’t. 2. If you find that you cannot follow the first instructions then: Do not have sex in zero G. Don’t do it. You will get written up if you even suggest it as an idea to a recruit. 3. If you have a sexual relationship with a member of your unit, please make it not your direct superior officer for the love of all that is holy. 4. If you find that you HAVE to have a sexual relationship with your direct superior officer you will be forced to fill out five times the paper work.

word count: 19,048

my thoughts: A SPEIRS/ROE SPACE AU. IDK WHY YOU’RE STILL READING THIS POST, YOU SHOULD BE READING THIS FIC.

Operation Get Julian Laid by LT_Aldo_Raine

author summary: Its Julian's 21st birthday, and he's still a virgin. So, his best buddies Bill and Babe take it upon themselves to get him laid before the big 2-1. Only, things don't go exactly according to plan. OR: “Shit, Julian, I gotta fuckin' spell it out for you? Do you wanna fuck me or not?”

word count: 4,879

my thoughts: I’m always a slut for Babe/Julian. Always. and this is no exception. poor Julian doesn’t wanna get laid with just anyone. he wants his best friend. sweet babies. :’)

and the stars look very different today by @r-catsby

author summary: Chuck gives up. “Fuck it.” He rolls his eyes, slips from the counter to pad out of the kitchen and down the hall to what was once his bedroom. It no longer feels right to claim it solely as his own considering it’s Ron’s sheets that cover the bed, his dirty clothes heaped by the door and his books mixed with Chuck’s own on the nightstand. Chuck’s not entirely sure where he ends and Ron begins, hasn’t been for the past three years. They just kind of fell together and never looked back.

word count: 3,388

my thoughts: this is so cute and domestic-y and sexy and GAH I LOVE IT. the characterization/dynamic is pitch-perfect too. I smiled the entire time.

five kisses that nearly killed george luz, for various reasons by @renelemaires

author summary: "Holy shit," is the first thing George says, because he really can't think of anything better. His mind is drawing blank, no matter how eager his tongue feels to leap out of his mouth. Everyone has heard about Speirs -- and everyone knows that kissing another guy, even by accident, is a thing that you don't do. In the army, that could get you kicked out in a heartbeat. In civilian life, you could be tossed in prison for it. And George just accidentally macked one on Killer Captain Speirs. He's a dead man.

word count: 5,140

my thoughts: LOOK. LOOK. LIP/LUZ/SPEIRS IS SUCH A GOOD OT3. I ADORE THEM. AND TO HAVE A FIC THIS WONDERFUL FOR THEM IS OUT OF THIS WORLD.

#roe/toye #grant/roe #speirs/luz #luztoye #luzlip #nix/roe #speirs/roe #babe/julian #grant/speirs #lip/luz/speirs #rarepairs #fic recs #what I'm reading

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imagine-hamilfluff · 8 years ago

Text

If I Had My Choice: Part 8

Alexander x Female Reader

Part One

Previous Part | Next Part

Masterlist

Word Count: 4964

Tags: @yehummno @robotic-space @isntthisenoughwhatwouldbeenough @unprofessional-inhumanbeing

A/N: Oh boy. I ignored my usual schedule for imagines to write this. This chapter, y’all. The scene at the end is the inspiration for the entire fic. I hope I did it justice. Enjoy.

Edit: I can’t believe I forgot this earlier, but this part wouldn’t have been possible without one of my favorite human beings and my one and only bae-ta Maddy ( @aaronburr-sir-imagines).

My love, before I left, you asked what you could do to save me. I finally have an answer for you: find someone who defends you and know I am happy for you. Don’t live your life waiting on me, Y/N. The best and only thing you can do for me is let yourself love and be happy. I know you better than anyone else in this world, and I know you won’t want to do this, even for me. But when you meet that person, promise me you won’t fight it as much as you wish to.

I love you, Y/N. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be your someone.

You folded the letter by its now well worn crease. Part of you wished John hadn’t known he was going to die. Maybe then he would have written to you about the nights under the willow tree or the days you hid on the rooftop. Maybe then he wouldn’t have asked something so impossible of you.

Sighing loudly, you filed John’s letter away back in the back of your drawer. You always wondered why John seemed so confident you would meet someone else. Why he was so confident that if he asked something of you, you would come through.

He was too late, you thought to yourself sadly. He didn’t tell you to let him go until he had already become your someone.

Of course, there was a short while you tried to believe John. But in the two months since admitting John’s death, Alexander began entering your mind like that less and less. It helped that Alexander had made his feelings towards Bethany clear.

And you were grateful for it as well. Everyone was less tense now that you and Alexander could hold short conversations, especially Bethany. It was just like you had told yourself: once your feelings passed, the nightmare would be over.

“Y/N?” Bethany inquired, entering your room without preamble. “Mother wishes to see you. It seemed important.”

A cold feeling entered your stomach. “Alright,” you replied, forcing a smile on your face as Bethany turned to leave. But as soon as she exited, your body switched into a panic.

It wasn’t as if you hadn’t seen or spoken to your mother since your abduction months ago. But this was the first time you had been summoned. And something in you knew enough time had passed for the other shoe to drop.

After taking a few deep breaths, you shakily stood and made your way out your door. Thousands of possible outcomes of meeting your mother swarmed your mind, each one making you more and more nervous. But one question stood out among the rest: Why had she waited this long to confront you?

By the time you reached your mother’s door, you had accumulated more questions, but not a single answer. With a deep breath and sweaty palms, you slowly pushed open the door.

Your mother was seated at her desk, busy working on paperwork for what you assumed was the marketplace renovations the council had voted on last month. You waited patiently for her to look up from her work, but when it reached almost three full minutes of no acknowledgement, you cleared your throat quietly to announce your presence.

The Lady glanced up at you with an annoyed expression and then turned back to her work. It was almost a minute later when she finally addressed you, still not removing her eyes from the papers in front of her.

“Next week I have an emergency meeting with Lady Weiter outside the battleground. I won’t be able to make a return trip home in time for the monthly meeting. I trust you’re prepared to head it up?” As she asked the question, her eyes glanced up at you expectantly from her page. The words stuck in your throat.

She wanted you to run a sector meeting?

Your mother sighed, irritated at your lack of response. “It’s a simple time conflict, Y/N. Can you head the sector meeting or not?” Her eyes held you expectantly as she gritted her teeth. She didn’t want to ask you to do this, you realized. But she had to.

Realizing if you didn’t respond she would rescind her offer, your head quickly began to bob eagerly up and down. With a long sigh, your mother looked back down at her paperwork waved you off with one hand. Biting your lip to hold back your smile, you spun and quietly made your way out the door. You held in your emotions until you turned down the hall to your room.

And then you couldn’t seem to contain yourself any longer and squealed like a child, jumping up and down. This is what you had been waiting for. This was your chance to prove yourself to the council, and maybe gain some support. You let out a laugh and spun around in a circle.

“Okay, either you just finished a really good book, or we’re having chicken dumplings for dinner: I have never seen you this happy.”

The voice rang out from the door behind you and you could hear a familiar smirk in the tone. You turned quickly, a smile still painted on your face as you rolled your eyes at Alexander leaning against his doorframe. He gave you a soft smile, and his eyes were glittering as they met yours.

“Both, actually,” you replied sarcastically, still laughing. Alexander scrunched up his nose in laughter in response. “But,” you started again, with a sly grin on your face, grabbing his attention, “you are looking at this month’s sector meeting leader.” You gestured to yourself extravagantly, and Alexander’s eyes widened.

When his mind finally comprehended the news, he broke out into a proud beam and exited his door to embrace you. You hugged him happily, glad you could consider him a friend again. Glad you didn’t have to deal with those messy feelings anymore.

“You’re going to be amazing,” Alexander’s voice murmured over your right ear. Your breath caught and skin prickled at the sound of his soft voice, but you refused to dwell on it. Instead, you pulled back from the hug and met Alexander’s eyes once more. You wished you could read the emotion in them, but then again, you probably didn’t want to know.

With a more forced smile this time, you murmured a “thank you” and turned to make your way to your room. Your thoughts changed gear as you remembered to inform Philip of the news as you shut the door behind you: your body still shaking and buzzing slightly from the encounter. Quickly, you glided to your desk, pulled out a new sheet of paper, and grabbed your pen.

The rest of the week passed in a blur. It was arranged so the day that your mother left for her meeting, Philip arrived to help with the final nuisances of heading a sector meeting. You were so busy planning everything, you saw no one but Philip for the entire week. Not that there was anyone else you wanted to see, you told yourself.

The morning of the meeting, you padded aimlessly around the estate in your nightgown. The sun was just rising, so you had a couple hours before the Ladies would start arriving. You and Philip has finished all the paperwork and agenda last night. He was probably fast asleep.

But your nerves kept you on your feet. A lot of your future was to be decided today. You were sure your mother still had plans to disinherit you one way or another, but if you received some support from the council, it would be near impossible for her to just get rid of you. You needed to win them over today. You needed them to join your team.

After your third lap, you sighed. The members of the household had already been up for awhile, and you should probably return to help begin preparations.

As you turned the corner to make your way towards your room, you met a stoic figure staring at a portrait. His sad eyes gazed longingly at the beautiful woman. With a shuddering breath, you softly walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his shoulders, embracing him in an unsolicited hug and resting your head on his soft shoulder.

“That’s not her any more, Father,” you whispered gently, addressing the younger form of your mother in the portrait. She looked happy and innocent. The portrait was commissioned just after your parents had married. Just after she took over the household.

Your father remained silent and still for a moment. But eventually, he shook himself out of his daydream, and turned to you to reciprocate the hug. “You’ll be just as great as she was today, Y/N,” he murmured softly. Tears plugged the back of your eyes, but you bit your cheek to stop them from overflowing.

You pulled back and observed your father: the ghost of the household. “You should sit in on the meeting today,” you suggested, hopefully. You wanted him to be there. But he merely shook his head.

“Don’t blow this because of me. Your mother will never let you near another meeting if you invite me while she’s away,” he chided you gently. You sighed, knowing the truth to his words. Then he leaned forward and kissed your forehead. “Go. They’ll be arriving soon,” he commanded with sad eyes. You took him in one last time, and then continued your walk back to your room, now with heavier steps.

Even when your mother was gone, your father was still too afraid to walk in her house.

When you opened the door to your room, Philip greeted you.

“Hey, good morning!” he said with a beam, obviously not taking in your distressed expression. “They’ll be arriving soon, but I can handle the preparations. You just get changed and try to collect yourself.” He instructed you so confidently, you couldn’t not do what he told you. Even though you knew he wanted to be the one to greet the Ladies solely because Theodosia would be accompanying Lady Schuyler this month.

The hours before the meeting stretched into what felt like years. You had too much time to collect yourself, that you now felt like falling apart. You were on the verge of just breaking down, just to get it out of your system, when Philip popped his head back into your room.

“It’s time,” he said solemnly. You took a deep breath and pushed yourself off your bed. Calmly and composed, you walked to your desk and picked up your papers. This was it.

You walked into the familiar room with the familiar faces, and stood in an unfamiliar position. Taking everyone in and sneaking a comforting glance down at Philip seated at your side, you began.

“Good morning, everyone,” you greeted, forcing a smile on your face. A few Ladies smiled back at you, but most looked at you warily. You ignored the sick feeling in your stomach. “I trust this meeting will go as smoothly as its predecessors. Let’s begin.”

You managed to keep your nerves in check for the entire meeting, bringing up the topics as listed on your agenda and mediating any discussion over them. It was slightly relieving to know you wouldn’t have to make your mother’s speech at the end as there were no mage users caught this month. It made your goal easier to accomplish.

Throughout the meeting you noticed you were gaining more and more looks of appreciation and trust. As the final topic concluded, you felt your heart squeeze. This was your last survey of how you had been doing.

You cleared your throat as you stood. “Ladies, thank you for joining me for a successful meeting. I look forward to working with you all more in depth in the future.” You noticed two Ladies pointedly avoiding your gaze, but the rest smiled approvingly. Your heart soared and you felt a weight lift off your chest. Unconsciously, you glanced down to your right, but your eyes went a person back from Philip: Alexander.

He beamed at you and your heart buzzed, but you refused to react to it. Honestly, you had forgotten he had been there most of the time throughout the meeting. The meeting had required so much of your attention. But now… Now your attention wasn’t directed to anything besides him. Your cheeks warmed.

You were jolted out of your thoughts by a strong clap on the back. You turned around--where had all the Ladies gone?

"Y/N, you've been standing there for ages. Come on, come celebrate! You did so well!" Philip grinned as he spoke and you couldn't help but smile back. His joy was contagious.

"Alright," you said, reluctantly acquiescing. You snuck a glance back at Alexander, but he was already shuffling out the door. Philip pulled your attention again, and you painted a smile on your face as you followed him out the door.

Philip, Theodosia, and you spent the better part of the rest of the day churning through seven bottles of your household’s excess wine. Since your mother had begun believing being intoxicated would increase a person’s chances of being seduced by mages, the three of you knew exactly when to take advantage of the free alcohol.

You giggled at Theo scrunching her nose as Philip said something to make fun of her. The library was quiet as you watched the sunset, and you laid flat on the floor, feeling the weight of the wine clogging your mind.

“Y/N?” Philip asked, returning you from your thoughts. You turned your head and hummed in acknowledgement, but Philip and Theo looked at you expectantly. You realized they must have asked you a question.

“I’m sorry, what?” you mumbled through your slurred voice. This time, it was Theo who spoke up.

“We were talking about our lunch tomorrow,” Theo explained, a hint of seriousness to her tone. You sat up concerned.

“What about it?” you inquired with a frown.

Philip and Theo exchanged wary glances at each other before Philip sighed. “We know you won’t be too keen on the idea, but we think you should bring Alexander.”

You stared at them for a long time and then finally shook your head. “No. Alexander will not be attending lunch with us, ever,” you responded with finality.

Theo looked uncomfortable as she began to speak. “Y/N, you know he’s a perfect match. You need to invite him,” she replied firmly. You gave them both a helpless expression as your cheeks began to flush uncontrollably. To hide a bit of the color, you laid back down on the floor and covered your face with your hands.

“Fine,” you finally gave it. “I’ll ask him,” you grumbled, wondering how exactly you were going to manage that and then deciding it was a problem for tomorrow: when you were sober.

You sighed loudly and sat back up. It was now dark outside. Philip and Theo began standing up beside you and you watched them. They looked down at you and each gave you a small smile.

“You did amazing today, Y/N,” Philip told you for what felt like the hundredth time. You stood up and gave both of your friends hugs. “Go get some sleep,” he commanded softly. You gave a small smile as him and Theo walked out of the library holding hands.

You clenched your eyes shut and cleared your mind of all the voices bothering you. And then you began walking towards your room.

But instead of heading to your room, you impulsively turned down the next hall and sloppily climbed the stairs at the end of it, giggling the whole way. You wanted to be up with the stars after today, you thought with a smile.

When you reached the top of the staircase, you swung the heavy wooden door open without ceremony. The breeze of the night wind greeted you with the warm summer’s night, and you smiled at the sight of the stars, stepping out onto the rooftop.

Your mind was still mostly sober, yet registering things slower. Something was off. Something was different. And you couldn’t quite-

“Alexander?” you whispered when you noticed his figure to the side. He sat at the edge of the rooftop, staring at you frozen. Your mind second handedly took in the half empty wine bottle sitting to his right. But mostly, you took in his eyes.

They blended in with the stars.

Your body began to vibrate with a happiness you weren’t sure you were allowed to own. But you wanted this. You wanted to end this night with Alexander--your friend Alexander--on this rooftop. With a small smile, you glided over to Alexander’s perch and sat down beside him.

He still stared at you, wordless.

You gave him a questioning look. “Is something wrong?” you asked playfully. But he continued to stare at you like- Your eyes widened.

Stupid, Y/N, you thought to yourself. He was in love with Bethany, and he thought you were- Well you weren’t, but him thinking it was enough to make you realize how stupid you were being. You closed your eyes and shook your head slightly.

“I’m sorry, I should-” you cut off your mumbling, with your hands pushing you up to stand. Your cheeks flushed red, embarrassed. How could you let yourself become so obvious in your intoxicated state? You half considered just jumping off the rooftop if it would allow you to escape faster.

But as you were halfway standing up, Alexander jumped into action. “No, wait! Y/N! P-please. Sit with me, I’m sorry. I won’t-” He cut off uncomfortably, as his cheeks began to match a hue of your own. His unfinished sentence hung in the air.

I won’t tell Bethany.

You knew you shouldn’t have sat back down, but you couldn’t help it. An awkward silence passed between the two of you as you both just stared ahead into the night sky. You were very acutely aware of his body’s presence next to you. And suddenly, you needed it to not be quiet. You needed to not be able to hear where your thoughts were going.

“Do you come up here often?” you asked softly, glancing up at him shyly. His eyes met yours with an unreadable emotion.

He was silent for a moment before he responded. “I try to come up here as many nights as possible,” he finally responded. You nodded and then actually absorbed his answer.

You wrinkled your nose confused and held his gaze. “Why?” you inquired noisily. “I get the charm of the place, but wouldn’t coming up here all the time take away from it a little?”

He seemed to relax a little that you were settling into your usual banter, and he considered you question. “Not necessarily. This is my favorite place to just think,” he responded softly. “It’s my favorite place to create stories, and that never gets old.”

You gazed up at the stars and could feel what he was describing. Unconsciously, you began to lean more into him, and he stiffened a little, but didn’t make any protest. And you realized you just wanted to listen to Alexander talk. About anything. You wanted to hear him tell one of his stories in his place.

“What’s your favorite story?” you asked dreamily. His entire body grew rigid, and you pulled away from him, furrowing your eyebrows.

He looked at you petrified. And then tried to force himself to relax as he shook his head.

“You don’t want to ask me that question,” he finally said softly. Your eyebrows raised, inquiring an explanation, but he refused to give any.

You huffed, playfully annoyed. “I didn’t want it to come to this,” you commented. His eyes questioned yours, and you shrugged your shoulders. “It’s going to have to be one of my questions now, if you refuse to answer.”

It took him a few seconds to register you were talking of your deal in captivity. You had two honestly answered questions left. He was sent into a panic.

“W-why would you want to waste one of your questions on that?” he asked, genuinely confused.

You took him in and shrugged your shoulders again. “You’re not answering it, so now I’m more curious than anything,” you answered lightly, but upon observing his terrified expression, you frowned. “What is so secret about this story? What could be that bad about it?”

He shook his head again. “Y/N, I promise, you don’t want to know.”

You gritted your teeth. “Well, I’m going to get to know anyways,” you demanded. “It’s one of my questions, so… spill.” Why did you always end up angry at Alexander? Were you even angry at him? Or yourself?

He clenched his eyes and sighed. He was silent for a long while, and then opened his eyes and stared into the night, refusing to meet your gaze. “It’s a story about a stall boy who meets two beautiful and well-endowed sisters.”

Your skin turned icy in the warm night as you stared at Alexander. “You are horrible, did you know that?” Alexander looked up at you with surprised eyes, and you began standing up furiously. “You owed me a truthful answer, and you pull this shit on me?” You sense a bit of confusion in his eyes as he scrambled to stand up after you.

You knew you were overreacting, but you couldn’t hear what he was about to tell you. You had thought you were doing better. Turning your back so you could hide the tears, you began stalking towards the door. It was just the wine, you told yourself. You had to be doing better. You couldn’t be pining after Bethany’s Choice for the rest of your life.

“Y/N, I am being honest, please,” he cried out behind you. You froze and collected your thoughts. You could face this, focus, you told yourself. With an icy glare, you turned around.

“Well, congratulations that your real life is a damn fairytale, then,” you responded coldly. His eyes widened as you continued. “Was this just to get back at me? To prove you’re so happy with Bethany?”

He shook his head. “What? No. It’s not like that.”

You gritted your teeth. “Then tell me what it’s ‘like’,” you demanded sarcastically, trying to stop the tears from pooling over. You were over him, you kept repeating to yourself. The nightmare had ended. It had ended.

“In this version of the story, the younger sister doesn’t Choose the stall boy,” he confessed quickly. And the two of you were at a standstill.

You stared at him angrily until you could find the words. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” you growled. “That you would rather be anywhere but with Bethany? That you wish you were just never Chosen?” Again, his eyes widened at your words.

“You think I don’t want to be Chosen?” he asked incredulously. You raised your eyebrows as a confirmation and narrowed them as he almost began laughing. “Y/N, that’s not how it ends either,” he explained carefully. Slowly, his face began to shine beet red.

“Then how does your wonderful, spectacular, fairytale life end, Alexander? Please, enlighten me,” you inquired bitterly. Your jaw was set like stone.

He hesitated and took in your angry form. Cringing, softly he said, “In my favorite version, it’s the elder sister who Chooses the stall boy.” It took a moment for the words to register.

And then all of your anger evaporated out of you.

You gazed into his sad eyes; they were staring back intently. A voice inside you was screaming “He wishes you Chose him!”, but you couldn’t allowed yourself to listen to it. Your unrequited feelings you would eventually get over just became real. Your body began shaking.

“You’re right,” you whispered softly. His eyes lit up in anticipation, and you cringed. “I didn’t want to know that.”

His expression plummeted at your words; you felt sick to your stomach. But you gritted your teeth and kept your expression neutral. You had to end this before this started. You couldn’t do this to Bethany. And you especially couldn’t do it to yourself. You had to let him think what you knew he was thinking, even though you wanted to scream that he was wrong.

His eyes avoided yours as he mumbled an apology. You stood stoic as he moved to walk around you to escape.

“Let him go” you repeated to yourself over and over again. But as he passed, he glanced up at you with those sad, beautiful eyes. And something in you cracked just enough to let him in.

You froze and let him walk a few more steps. But eventually, you couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I wish I would have Chosen you, too,” you confessed, the words tumbling out of your mouth too fast to stop them.

The sound of his footsteps ceased, and you cringed. Gradually, you turned to face him with his helpless eyes to match your own. You couldn’t believe you ever thought you would be able to let him go.

He took a step towards you, and you refused the urge to back away. “Say it again?” he pleaded desperately as he edged closer to you. Your words stuck in your throat as you stared at him. Suddenly, his arm was wrapped around your waist, with his other hand toying with your hair. You closed your eyes and tried to focused on breathing, but all you could focus on was Alexander’s breath on your cheek.

“Y/N?” he asked, begging you to respond. But your mind was overflowed with too many emotions. Alexander was too close.

You managed to form three words you needed to say. “Don’t kiss me,” you instructed. Your eyes met his hurt ones as he gently dug his fingers deeper into your hair. You stifled a moan and looked at Alexander seriously. “Please, don’t,” you whispered again, shuddering under his touch and allowing your arms to snake around his back.

His expression seemed wounded as he inquired why. His forehead connected with yours and you subconsciously leaned closer into him.

“It’ll change everything,” you whispered hoarsely. He let out a small chuckle.

“Aren’t we a little past that?” he asked sadly. It honestly had never occurred to you that you were. How could you be too far gone already when just this morning everything was under control?

You shook your head. “We can’t be. For Bethany. We can’t,” you repeated to yourself, and Alexander let go of you with a small grimace. Tears pooled in both of your eyes as you both refused to acknowledge how unnatural it felt to not be embracing. You took a shuddering breath, and lowered your eyes from his.

“I-I should… then…” Alexander half-heartedly pointed towards the door, and began walking.

You could feel your world shattering around you as you watched him walk away. It wasn’t supposed to feel this way. You were supposed to be relieved. You had done the right thing. You had done the right thi-

Alexander’s hand touched the doorknob, and your previously forgotten alcohol consumption came storming back into your mind; you were completely intoxicated. And so was he. And of every moment left to come in your life, this could be the only one you would have an excuse to make a horrible mistake.

This could be your only chance to be with Alexander.

And just like that, your mind had flipped a switch you had thought you had hidden. All these months, you had tried so hard to keep it from yourself. But now you couldn’t help what happened next. Your body was propelled into motion.

“Alexander,” you called out. He turned around just in time to catch you.

The force of your body crashing into his slammed the door shut behind him. His rough lips pressed against yours as his hands roamed your lower back. Your fingers began tangling his stupidly soft hair and pulling slightly. He softly ran his tongue over your lower lip, and you gasped slightly, which he took as his cue.

Leaning down slightly, his hands grabbed your upper thighs through your dress and lifted you up. Immediately reacting, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist, pressing your bodies flush to each other. He spun you around, and you gasped as your back hit the wall beside the door. Before your mind could begin processing anything, however, his lips were once again connected with yours and you lost any thoughts that may have been forming.

After what felt like years, you both stopped to breathe, and your eyes met. And you both knew. Despite your intoxicated state, you were too sober to continue. Slowly, Alexander dropped your legs and took as step back as you kept your back pressed against the wall. Both of your were breathing heavily and looked at each each other helplessly. Alexander ran his fingers through his hair and cringed while you wrapped your arms around yourself to hold yourself together. Then without another word, Alexander roughly pulled open the door beside you and exited the rooftop.

You stood there for a few moments, trying to gather your thoughts, and then sank slowly to the ground, holding yourself the whole way. As you sat with a thud, sobs began racking your body uncontrollably.

“Shit!” you screamed into the silent night. You curled your arms around your knees and buried your head.

You had officially sealed your fate as the worst sister to ever grace the world.

#iihmc #if i had my choice #alexander x reader #alexander hamilton x reader #alex x reader #hamwriters #alexander hamilton imagine #alexander imagine #hamilton imagine #hamilton fanfic #hamilfluff

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